Realz

Aus Open 2016: Fashion Run Afoul Down Under

In Andreas Seppi, Australian Open on January 17, 2016 at 11:36 pm

Hey all you Realz Fanz, I am sure you are excited about the beginning of the 2016 major season which gets under way with the Australian Open in Melbourne. I am kinda excited though I am not keyed up as I would have been in recent years. I have long accepted the fact that Roger Federer and Venus Williams, my TOP FAVES are not going to win slams … well unlikely to win. However,  I am looking forward to seeing some brilliant and inspiring tennis on court during the next two weeks. 

As always myself and the lovely ladies in Andreen (@A_Gallivant) and Janina (@JLR78) break down both the men and women’s draws. You can take a listen below either on YouTube or on Podbean. 

On Podbean as well

However, the reason for this post is not to discuss tennis per se but to really get into the fashion of the tennis players. Now seriously, I have been following professional tennis for a LONG LONG LONG time and for the life of me, I do not understand how rich young people with amazing bodies commit so many acts of fashion suicide. These young rich folks appear to be have been styled by the Fashion Institute for the Blind or their worst enemy. In my mind, I think at times, it has to be that they are deliberately looking ridiculous so as to piss me off.

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Anyway, the players, a select group I imagine, went to the IMG players’ party and it was a virtual shit show in this fashion. As always, I am right there to hand out grades and constructive criticism. I truly pray that these folks would consult me before going out ever again. 

When it comes to the menz, I really cannot give them a grade. It is so easy for them to be honest. I only give out grades if they are absolutely horrendous. 

I'm done talking about Kei and his teeth. He needs to take a million of that $60+ million from Uniqlo and get them chompers in order. This is UNACCEPTABLE

I’m done talking about Kei and his teeth, or lack there of. He needs to take a million of that $60+ million from Uniqlo and get them chompers in order. This is UNACCEPTABLE

Meanwhile, it seems that Kei is heading to a college frat party

Meanwhile, it seems that Kei is heading to a college frat party

And so is FeFe Lopez

And so is FeFe Lopez

This is a really bad angled photo but it is them jeans that I am having issues with. What the hell is going on with that zipper ... #creepy

This is a really bad angled photo but it is them jeans that I am having issues with. What the hell is going on with that zipper … #creepy

Did they all shop at the same place. I cannot even look at Harrison and them grandfather shoes. No need to ask, we all know Ryan is heading to the same frat party

Did they all shop at the same place. I cannot even look at Harrison and them grandfather shoes. No need to ask, we all know Ryan is heading to the same frat party. By the way Ryan, one bit of advice, “Fitted Jeans”!! 

Apparently, Heather is just one of the guys. I don't understand what's happening here. This has to be the "before picture" and we have to wait for the "after picture" when she is ready.

Apparently, Heather is just one of the guys. I don’t understand what’s happening here. This has to be the “before picture” and we have to wait for the “after picture” when she is ready.

Divadal, your personality is supposed to be whimsical and not your hair. Surely, it is time to talk to your doctors about Rogaine or whatever else is new in the men's hair loss treatment department.

Divadal, your personality is supposed to be whimsical, not your hair. Surely, it is time to talk to your doctors about Rogaine or whatever else is new in the men’s hair loss treatment department.

As per the norm, Divadal looks uncomfortable as fuck! BUT the outfit looks really nice on him. I love the shades of blue

As per the norm, Divadal looks uncomfortable as fuck! BUT the outfit looks really nice on him. I love the shades of blue

I was ready to rip into Kyle here but then I realized that I never see him at these events. Astronauts (players on the satellite and challenger circuits) don't get invited to these premiere events.  So he gets a pass as this was clearly his first time and he surely is the guest of a guest. Kyle, I won't be so kind next time.

I was ready to rip into Kyle here but then I realized that I never see him at these events. Astronauts (players on the satellite and challenger circuits) don’t get invited to these premiere events. So he gets a pass as this was clearly his first time and he surely is the guest of a guest. Kyle, I won’t be so kind next time.

David Ferrer looks all right! He doesn't look bad but it is a very safe choice. I cannot hate on him too much here at all.

David Ferrer looks all right! He doesn’t look bad but it is a very safe choice. I cannot hate on him too much here at all.

Clearly someone did not explain to Seppi that this players' event was not being held in the locker room. And they say Italians have great fashion sense!

Clearly someone did not explain to Seppi that this players’ event was not being held in the locker room. And they say Italians have great fashion sense!

Look at the French showing you how it is done! #HubertforHusband He just exudes absolute charm and quiet sex appeal.

Look at the French showing you how it is done! #HubertforHusband He just exudes absolute charm and quiet sex appeal.

Of course it goes without saying that my main man Samuel Groth knows how to impress at outings. I never let my man go out looking like a mess. Meanwhile that lil hussy Josh Gibson was trying to angle in on my property but I had to let him know that Sam Space is already occupied #backoffbitch

Of course it goes without saying that my main man Samuel Groth knows how to impress at outings. I never let my man go out looking like a mess. Meanwhile that lil hussy Josh Gibson was trying to angle in on my property but I had to let him know that Sam Space is already occupied #backoffbitch

I perhaps never say it often ... in fact, I don't think I have never said it before, Maria is beautiful. Just looking ravishing and radiant in this photo

I perhaps never say it often … in fact, I don’t think I have never said it before, Maria is beautiful. Just looking ravishing and radiant in this photo

For once she isn't accentuating her "manish" shoulders. This outfit I think works very well. The colours, the length, her hair and makeup are #flawless. Maria you get an A+

For once she isn’t accentuating her “manish” shoulders. This outfit I think works very well. The colours, the length, her hair and makeup are #flawless. Maria you get an A+

Meanwhile, is this a silent protest from the Russian again her motherland's draconian homophobic laws. I see her dress and all I am thinking about is marriage equality.

Meanwhile, is this a silent protest from the Russian again her motherland’s draconian homophobic laws. I see her dress and all I am thinking about is marriage equality.

Hmmm I kinda indifferent to Pliskova's look right now. Karo, you get an M for Meh

Hmmm I kinda indifferent to Pliskova’s look right now. Karo, you get an M for Meh

Apparently, in her post career life, LiNaLi is the WTA secretary? Why gurl? WHY?? That red lipstick is too RED, you're looking clownish and you need some powder for your face as it is too shiny or sweaty but I am gonna say "shiny". That skirt length needs to be CHOPPED. Show those legs. Unbutton one of those buttons on the blouse and let that hair down. Those shoes aren't right but I am going to give you a C+ because you are somebody's mother now.

Apparently, in her post career life, LiNaLi is the WTA secretary? Why gurl? WHY?? That red lipstick is too RED, you’re looking clownish and you need some powder for your face as it is too shiny or sweaty but I am gonna say “shiny”. That skirt length needs to be CHOPPED. Show those legs. Unbutton one of those buttons on the blouse and let that hair down. Those shoes aren’t right but I am going to give you a C+ because you are somebody’s mother now.

Genie, why is your hair looking a mess right now? What were you doing before this shot??

Genie, why is your hair looking a mess right now? What were you doing before this shot??

This outfit clearly deserves an A if only we were talking about tennis kit. But as it is an evening wear, I'm gonna have to give this a D-. It fits but it certainly doesn't flatter

This outfit clearly deserves an A if only we were talking about tennis kit. But as it is an evening wear, I’m gonna have to give this a D-. It fits but it certainly doesn’t flatter

Victoria "Vika" Azarenka. What in the name of fashion is this fucking mess? You look RIDICULOUS. I cannot even give you an F. That's too high a grade for this shit.

Victoria “Vika” Azarenka. What in the name of fashion is this fucking mess? You look RIDICULOUS. I cannot even give you an F. That’s too high a grade for this shit.

WTF? WTMFF is this garbage. She looks like she cut up some eccentric nurses' scrubs and added the belt and the shoes thinking the ensemble would look cute. Azarenka, honey, YOU LOOK BAD. You get an H for Horrendous

WTF? WTMFF is this garbage. She looks like she cut up some eccentric nurses’ scrubs and added the belt and the shoes thinking the ensemble would look cute. Azarenka, honey, YOU LOOK BAD. You get an H for Horrendous

I almost think that she looked better her than at this party.

I almost think that she looked better her than at this party.

A funny thing happened to Serena on her way to the players' party. She misheard and thought it was a "dance party". She looks ready to drop it like it's hot. Serena you know I am going to have to get on your for that weave/wig and them eyebushes gurl. We need to do better boo!!

A funny thing happened to Serena on her way to the players’ party. She misheard and thought it was a “dance party”. She looks ready to drop it like it’s hot. Serena you know I am going to have to get on your for that weave/wig and them eyebushes gurl. We need to do better boo!!

Madison apparently is apparently locked up in fashion hell and don't have a clue or keys to get out. This looks so bad, I think Vika looks better. Them shoes are WRONG, murdering her toes and sweety what is going on with the dress? The colour, the form, the fit, your breasts are hanging out. Why? WHY?

Madison apparently is locked up in fashion hell and don’t have a clue or keys to get out. This looks so bad, I think Vika looks better. Them shoes are WRONG, murdering her toes and sweety what is going on with the dress? The colour, the form, the fit, your breasts are hanging out. Why? WHY?

Someone couldn't give you some make up to fix this. How you checked yourself in a mirror and thought it was all okay to go out like this? I have no choice for to give this an F for a fucking fail

Someone couldn’t give you some make up to fix this. How you checked yourself in a mirror and thought it was all okay to go out like this? I have no choice for to give this an F for a fucking fail

So BMS didn't have time to change as practice and just showed up like this after getting off the courts.

So BMS didn’t have time to change as practice and just showed up like this after getting off the courts.

Again another newbie. I wanna say so much but I am hoping that we learns from this experience and do better for Wimbledon.

Again another newbie. I wanna say so much but I am hoping that we learns from this experience and do better for Wimbledon.

Everything is nice but somehow it just does not work for me overall. Her hair is right, dress form its colour and everything are great. However, she just looks off in it altogether like it does not belong to her.

Everything is nice but somehow it just does not work for me overall. Her hair is right, dress form its colour and everything are great. However, she just looks off in it altogether like it does not belong to her. However, I have to give her a solid B+

Pavs looks great here but the pose is all wrong. I mean she looks good for her usual self.

Pavs looks great here but the pose is all wrong. I mean she looks good for her usual self. Body make up boo for those tan lines

This used to be Pavy's usual getup at these events. So we have to give credit where credit is due. She gets a solid C for this.

This used to be Pavy’s usual getup at these events. So we have to give credit where credit is due. She gets a solid C for this.

I am not sure about it. Cute top but those pants do not work. This needed a skirt or a different top. Either way, doesn't really work for me and Svitolina, you get a C-

I am not sure about it. Cute top but those pants do not work. This needed a skirt or a different top. Either way, doesn’t really work for me and Svitolina, you get a C-

I really need someone to explain to me why is it that the Spanish men ALWAYS look right but the ladies ALWAYS look a right mess. Why is Garbine wearing this shit in public? I don't even know where to begin

I really need someone to explain to me why is it that the Spanish men ALWAYS look right but the ladies ALWAYS look a right mess. Why is Garbine wearing this shit in public? I don’t even know where to begin .. First the hair looks like it was just washed with supermarket shampoo; that makeup isn’t flattering; that blouse is for a child not a grown woman: those pants … I think you would find that her grandmother’s couch is missing fabric as it is now her pants: her sandals … #icant

She was doing everything right until she decided to follow her hubby and match him with the white shoes. Why? Why? And I am going to pretend like I am not seeing that purse at all.

She was doing everything right until she decided to follow her hubby and match him with the white shoes. Why? Why? And I am going to pretend like I am not seeing that purse at all.

Thank God for small miracles. Katya baby looks like her and not the daddy# #keepingitrealz

Thank God for small miracles. Katya baby looks like her and not the daddy# #keepingitrealz

They get my vote for the best overall dressed. At least they make no bones about it being all costumes.

They get my vote for the best overall dressed. At least they make no bones about it being all costumes.

The USTA Responds to Genie Bouchard’s Lawsuit!!!

In Eugenie Bouchard on November 16, 2015 at 11:53 am

So thanks to the LOVELY Bridgepea (@bridgepea on Twitter) Karen, we were able to get the USTA’s response to Genie’s lawsuit …. You know how we strive to give you complete and controversial REALZ NEWZ!!!

juicy

You can check out the document in full in the link below or check out the images of the document below that. This document had me gagging! I mean who knew lawsuits and tennis can combined to give you hilarity. The folks in tennis NEVER leave us with a single dull moment. I have given you my non-legal expertise take on the document in BLUE!

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PAGE 1: This is not our fault! All we are going to admit to is the fact that she was there at the 2015 US Open in singles, doubles and mixed doubles and subsequently pulled out of the event. We have nothing to do with her entering a 4th event, “Fucking around in a physio room and allegedly getting hurt!” 

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PAGE 2: Even if we are at fault, she is definitely not getting more than $75k! Any notion of damages being in the millions is RIDICULOUS

We are totally feeling ourselves with this lawsuit

We are totally feeling ourselves with this lawsuit

 

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PAGE 3: Before we go any further, let me just clarify that Ms. Bouchard was not RANKED 25 in the world, she was SEEDED 25 at the US Open. Just a point of order okay! She said that she could have won the US Open and done well at the US Open had she not been injured, well that is all very “speculative” and we are gonna need a receipt for such claims. Her subsequent results at the Japan and China Open were no different from her previous results before the US Open ie. she wasn’t winning shit. Furthermore, she did not finish her doubles match with Nicholas K at 10 pm. Someone needs to buy this girl a watch because we do not have time for her bullshit

She was going to win the US Open? Gurl bye ...

She was going to win the US Open? Gurl bye …

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PAGE 4: We don’t know what “tiled floor” she is talking about and furthermore, she had no business in this room to begin with as she did no business in there at the time

THIS TEA GONNA BE SO GOOD

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PAGE 5: We are only going to admit insomuch as to say that Ms. Bouchard withdrew on September 5, 2015, as to why, we don’t know. Also when she is saying that her ranking points have dropped as a result of this “alleged incident” at the US Open, we are again going to need receipt for that because we are not responsible for her poor 2015

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PAGE 6: Blah! Blah! Blah! Legal speak

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PAGE 7: Even if what she is saying is even remotely true, Ms. Bouchard is an experienced professional player and she knows better. We should not be held responsibility for her own stupi… I mean her own negligence! Do we have to quote Sergei Stakhovsky here to get our point across?? 

I am just saying ...

I’m just saying … What was she really doing at this time? That’s what we really want to know

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PAGE 8: Whatever she is saying in paragraphs 34-41 are all a bunch of lies! Paragraph 42 is just her telling the same lie as in paragraph 41

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PAGE 9: Blah! Blah! Blah! Legal speak. This is us clarifying the ownership of the USTA spaces etc etc

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PAGE 10: Again, Ms. Bouchard has been to the US Open before and we are confused, conflicted and concerned as to how and why she doesn’t know how things work around here. And also, everything she says in paragraphs 52-56 are LIES

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PAGE 11: She is still telling lies from paragraphs 57-60! And we would like Ms. Bouchard to know that we are ready, willing and able to go to court on this matter. We are not settling this nonsense of a claim. It is our contention that she should have known better and whatever happened to her is her fault and her fault alone.

We are ready for a court date because we are snatching wigs out here

We are ready for a court date because we are snatching wigs out here

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PAGE 12: She did not follow the rules and so she got hurt. Again this is not our fault. She knew better

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PAGE 13: If we are at all culpable for any damages it certainly is not in the millions and we do not know what this mystery substance on the floor is/was because we don’t think it ever existed. Also that room is NEVER dark. So she can’t walk and can’t see? Ms. Bouchard therefore needs to familiarize herself with the Disability Procedure at the tournament and notify us of such fact. We contend that she did not do so at all as we have no record of such matter. 

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PAGE 14: More importantly is the fact that Ms. Bouchard when she was so called injured, she refused medical assistant at the site and went home. She claimed to be injured but when you looked at her social media, (we have screenshots etc), it is completely different. So we don’t know how she could have “on-going and permanent physical injuries” because her Twitter says she is okay! Must we go on with this nonsense? That is not how folks with concussion act after the fact

giphy (4)

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PAGE 15: She wants punitive damages but her documents do not say how and why she should get any. We are not paying this girl any kind of millions of dollars. We have a brand new roof and stadiums to build gaddamit.

 

 

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PAGE 16: Thank you very much. I think we have just won this case. PS One more thing! We will not be paying her any millions of dollars. In fact she owes us millions of dollars because she did not take care of Roberta Vinci who got a bye into the quarters and thus was able to take out in the semifinal Serena Williams who was our real money maker. This caused a massive loss of revenue because ain’t nobody had time for that all-Italian final. It was all about the #SerenaCalendarSlam.Therefore, we will be submitting documents soon seeking damages from Ms. Bouchard regarding that matter.

That's all for now

That’s all for now

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We CANNOT WAIT for the trial! It will be EN FIRE!!!

Podcast #34: CzechMate and London

In ATP World Tour Finals, Fed Cup on November 16, 2015 at 8:31 am

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Here is the latest podcast from the team

Also check us out on Podbean if Youtube is too much for your bandwidth: RTF Podcast #34