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French Open 2010: Le cinquieme jour

In Andy Murray, French Open, Grand Slam, Maria Sharapova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Venus Williams on May 28, 2010 at 8:11 am

Day 5 at the French Open proved to be a testing day. The rain did go to Spain but it came back again and again and again and again. Play has been so severely back up that today, Day 6, it is as if everyone and their grandmother are playing. If there ever was a day to be home and watch tennis, today is the day. As we speak, Divadal, the Serenantor, D’Joker Harelqueen, Dingo Dog, David Ferrer (surprise we haven’t a name for this one) and Speedy Gonzalez are all playing. And this is not even half of it as more fan favorites are set to play including, the Crackhead vs. Cibulkova (going to be very interesting), Mr. Federer, Tabasco Verdasco, Lochness Monster vs. Fatdatis (going to be very interesting) Ms. Gold Lamé vs. Fatrova. I do feel my temperature rising. I may just have to call into work. Anyway to the tennis..wait before I go…Two housekeeping matters…Please don’t forget to support our sponsor especially if you are politically inclined. It is really worth the effort. Also, I have yet to see comments on the blog postings. Come on people. I am very surprise that there have been so few comments…actually only TWO comments when many if not all of you supported the cause of having an actual blog. I am not an egomaniac and I am fishing for comments to increase my online profile. I simply want comments so as to improve the publication. New York Times thrives on readers’ response and I assure you, my work is definitely on par with that of the above-mentioned periodical. I wish not to have to take drastic action in order to force you fanz to response. To the tenis…..

Women’s Draw.
Despite the rain, a lot of women’s matches got on the way yesterday and because of the cold damp conditions, a lot of upsets came about and/or near came about. Yesterday saw the battle of two Sesame Street Siblings. Big Bird lil sis aka Fivehead took on Telly Monster’s sister Kaia Kanepi of Estonia. (See pictures) Things almost looked routine for the 4th seed but things took a decisive turn late in the 2nd set. Telly Monster’s sis decided to show her stuff and took the 2nd set. However, experience proved to be the victor as Fivehead closed it out at 6-4 in the 3rd. Final results 6-3 3-6 6-4. Fivehead might just make it to the semifinals. There is simply no real player in her quarter at this point who can bother her. However, she lacks the power off the ground and serve so, I would be surprised if she loses before that point. She faces a possible Serenanator, No Justice Justine and D’Stove as her opponent.

Kaia Kanepi

Telly Monster:I can’t believe you lost to that bird…You making me lose my street creds..I can just see Elmo laughing at me now…I won’t be able to look Big Bird in the eyes again…not that I ever could with his big dodo @$$ looking self.

Alisa Kleybanova took out Ana Ivanovic (Mrs Tabasco Ferdasco). This results is not surprising but disappointing. It seemed at one point that Ana Ivanovic was the future of women’s tennis. She has a very nice game and that forehand was crazy good. However, right about now, she’s history. Ivanovic was up 2 love in the first set but went on to lose 12 of the last 13 games 6-3 6-0. Will no one help this girl? She made it to three major finals and is the 2008 French Open champion. This former number 1 ranked player is currently at 42 and I know that number is going to be higher in the near future. Maybe she needs to take some time off or something. Have a baby perhaps a la Mommie Dearest?? What I really think she should do is drop Tabasco Verdasco so that she can concentrate on her career, which would make him a free agent and free for the taking because at this point, it is torture to watch her struggle this badly. In other wins, The Demented One staved off an upset and came through 6-2 7-6. She was up several times in that second set but constantly losing her serve. In other SSSC (Siblings of Sesame Street Characters)Wozniack took out the 32nd seed Kateryna Bondarenko whose sister Alona the 27th seed made it through to the 3rd round. Vera  Zvonareva the 21st seed lost 4-6 4-6 as did the 8th seed Radwanska 5-7 3-6. Na Li won, Israeli Shahar Peer took out American Bettanie Mattek-Sands who looked in control of the match in the first set winning 6-3 but the Israeli showed off her military training losing only 1 game in the next 13 3-6 6-0 6-1. Granny Krumm’s improbable run to the 2nd round finally came to an end when she met Australia’s Jarmila Groth. Gramma was sent to the retirement home to collect her SSI cheque losing 0-6 3-6. Due to late starts yesterday, Shriekapova has to finish her match against Belgian’s Flipkens as do No Justice Justine and La petite grosse.

Alisa Kleybanova. Where is the fitness in women's tennis?

This girl is looking more like she hangs at the Klondike Bar than at a tennis court.

Men’s Draw.
Before we get to discussing actual play, I have to announce the announced retirement of one of France’s best, Sebastian Grosjean. We just spoke about him yesterday and now his is leaving the tour. He has been battling injuries for a while. He would be missed.

Ladies do not be fooled by the face, the five o’clock shadow and the accent français, lurking in that mouth lays an explosion of dentistry. Though I don’t have the pictorial evidence, I swear there are more than the regulated 32 in that mouth. A dental fiesta/fiasco even though he is French

To Play: I am so happy to announce that Beetlejuice is out and we don’t have to see that hideous face again. I know there is a particular fan who finds BJ cute granted one has to also consider that she carries a torch for the Lochness Monster, affectionately referring to him as Nessie. Nonetheless, that little antics he carried on with on Day 4 proved to be futile in his effort to win. The match resumed between him and Fognini (I believe I spelt it Fogini yesterday. Correction.) and the two played only 6 games before the match was decided 9-7 in favor of the Italian. The French crowd was severely disappointed and I definitely heard some boos for the Italian. And speaking of Lochness Monster, he also finished his match against Juan Ignacio Chela aka Chin-Chela. “Nessie” won 6-2 6-7 6-3 6-2 and I have to say that I am very disappointed in Chela. This is the second match up between the two and Chin-Chela, an Argentine, has shown himself to be quite pathetic as a clay court player against Murray. I mean seriously Chin-Chela, you suck big time. Fatdatis also completed his match against a Spaniard 4-6 6-1 7-5 6-2 and American John Isner took out yesterday’s hottie Chuidinelli 6-7 7-6 7-6 6-4. Mr. Brooklyn Decker won his match 6-3 5-7 6-4 6-2 and though the American commenthaters are trying to make news out of this, there is nothing to report other than Mr. Brooklyn Decker is looking sloppy on the red stuff. I am going to make the prediction that he will lose in the next round especially if the weather conditions continue as they are. Nonetheless, I assure you that Mr. BDecker will not pass the 4th round this year at all. Anyway, that’s about it to report thus far…

However, I can offer you some early results, the Serenanator dusted off the rust she showed in the 1st round taking out her 2nd round opponent 6-1 6-1. Jie Zheng has lost in straight sets, David Ferrer won when Xavier Malisse retired, American Jill Craybas lost her match as well. Divadal made light work on his opponent taking it in straight sets. 6-2 6-2 6-3. Last year’s semifinalist Speedy Gonzalez made quick work in his exit in the 2nd round, losing 3-6 4-6 3-6. Adios Amigo..D’Joker Harlequeen also won as did No Justice Justine

RFTN Picture Show.
There are no hotties today, just cuties…blame it on the weather which cooled things down

Ana Ivanovic, looking like salmon in that color…as she goes up river to die. Nonetheless, she does it looking cute and one always get points for style here at RTFN.

Fabio Fognini, cutie not a hottie and anyone who faces the Nottie deserves some credit. However, in true Italian fashion, the eyebrows are out of control…


Francesa Schiavone…however, I do protest…it should be Franceso Schiabones.

There is no guy nottie…I mean I don’t want to be beating up on Beetlejuice all the time

But I thought you all might like…side profile of the Chin-Chela and Lochness Monster.. A literal animal house out on the court.

Mixed Bag…
I have to announce another sibling connection…

I have found the sister of Marian "La petite grosse" Bartoli

Gloria the Hippo (I know I would burn in hell for this one)

Granny Krumm…Can you believe Dinada Safina lost to a cripple?

Shite…It took me 3 months to get here today to see Divadal play and now it rains..FCUK!!

Mum…I was not playing in the clay…

Kissing in the rain…How sweet and adorable..

I know I saw that app to change the weather/stop the rain somewhere on it…Just give me a sec

Get away from me! I told you, I don’t need an umbrella. I am use to the water; I live in a lake for crying out loud.

Don't know who he is but he is looking just plain ole creepy.. really was the wind…She definitely has no boos..But I bet she is packing a 12 pack on that stomach and I will admit my envy.

Hey Telly Monster’s sis…Big Bird says to tell you to tell your brother that he can kiss his tail feather.

Though these people have the balls in the right vicinity, they have missed the exact location. You have to go down…

Remember some time ago I reported that Lochness Monster’s girlfriend had dumped him because of his excessive attention to his video games over her…well I have uncovered some evidence, which makes me think that she was being kind to the beast. Seems that the Scottish monster doesn’t quite measure up…And he has offered up proof of this…

Take a look…..

Hmmmm so just in case tennis doesn’t work out for him, he got the pre-requisite to be a short-order-cook.

Look forward to a jam-packed issue on Monday…Au revoir les fanz…Enjoy your weekend.


French Open 2010: Le quatrieme jour

In French Open, Grand Slam, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Maria Sharapova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Venus Williams on May 27, 2010 at 9:30 am

Apparently the tennis gods have showed us some favor as today and I can actually produce this newzletter today. An unexpected act of “terrorist/disgruntled low-paid and overlooked for promotion employee/not happy with disposition letter notifying me that you have exonerated and unfounded all my allegations against the NYPD” causing the early release from the dungeon of office work. I am not entirely sure what it was caused an evacuation from the place that pays my rent. Of course, they did not provide details because you know, it was beyond my pay grade to fully comprehend what was going on. Nevertheless, I was able to go home and watch the remainder of tennis, which was severely hampered by rain delay. As we speak…well as I speak/write and you read, today’s play has yet to start because of the rain. So after three glorious days of sunshine, the heavens opened up and had pissed all over the grounds. This has severely dampened the field literally as the courts are no longer allowing for a fast ball as it did during the previous three dry days. A lot of interesting developments took place yesterday. So we shall begin toute suite.


The Crackhead ranked number two in the world showed ample reasons yesterday as to why she is so highly ranked. Taking on a Spanish opponent (Spanish women no longer do as well as their male compatriots though there was a time that they were very consistent a la Conchita Martinez and Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario), the Crackhead was blazing on all cylinders. She looked shaky in her first service game but she never allowed the Spaniard to ever feel like she had a chance in the match, closing it out 6-2 6-4. What was particularly impressive was the fact that the American did not lose her serve and also that she was willing to come to net. I believe she was up at net 28 times winning 18 points. That’s a very good sign. Alas, there might be reason to resurrect the Crackhead from the dead because we here at RFTN, laid her to rest at the end of the Australian Open. It is almost tempting to pray for Easter in May/June but I am going to hold off on that one. The Crackhead has fooled me many a times, making me believe that she was going to do great things only to let me down hard. So I am going to just relax and take it for what it is. She is now in the third round, a place she has lost for three consecutive years. Perhaps after this match we would consider the possibility of cracking open the tomb. After the match, the Crackhead was asked yet again about the dress and she stated, “It is to give the illusion of lace on bare skin.” Hmmmm. I went back into the archives for a photo of the then Venus Williams at Wimbledon.

NO ILLUSIONS HERE..Venus Williams (at Wimbledon, she is never a crackhead) wearing a sheet of Bounty paper towel fashioned into pants.

Anyway, other wins yesterday included that of Ms. Gold Lamé who had a tough three set match, Fatrova beat Agnes Szvay who had taken out the Crackhead last year. Boynetsova overcame 4 match points including a triple match point game and made it through to the third round. Carolina “Danish Cookie” Wozniacki won as did Maria Kirilenko. Flavia “Penne Pasta” Pennetta who dismantled her countrywoman Roberta Vinci 6-1 6-1. Dominika Cibulkova also won and is next slated to play the Crackhead (very interesting match up) Cilbulkova as few of you would remember, took out Shriekapova last year at the Open, making it to the quarterfinals where she lost to Sam “D’Stove” Stosur. Watch out for a possible upsetter in Alexandra Dulgheru who won in Poland last week and is now in the third round. She seemingly has a hot hand. In notables losses, Gisela Dulko of Argentina who took out Victoria Azarenka, the 10th seed, in the first round went out as did Lucie Safarova aka Lady Gollum who took out the once promising Jelena Dokic.

It never gets better the more I see

In Men’s action,

Cool and calm as always Mr. Federer. Look at that flawless hair. The bangs going just so and the cut......impeccable.

Number one ranked, Mr. Federer was looking all sorts of sloppy yesterday if not lackadaisical. He allowed Alejandro Falla of Columbia to believe for a second that he had a chance of winning set. However, Mr. Federer caught win at the gravity of the situation and closed out the match 7-6 6-2 6-4. He is still on course to meet last year’s finalist Robin “Hood” Soderling in the quarterfinals. Hood wasted no time in the demolition of American Taylor Dent. 6-0 6-1 6-1. Consider that Hood and Dent played 20 games where as the Crackhead and her opponent played 18 and both matches started around the same time but Hood finished his in 1 hour and 11 minutes and the Crackhead 1 hour 35 minutes. Hood was being real gangsta as he basically won a three set match in the less time than it took to win a two set match. Baby Ali also had a quick day at the office as he took out his countryman Josselin Ouanna 6-0 6-1 6-4. Other winners include Marin Cilic, Tomas Berdych, boyfriend of Lady Gollum, Russian Youhzny, Wawrinka, Albert Montanes and Xavier Malisse.

Baby Ali and Josselin Ouanna. Excusez-moi monsuiers, un moment s’il vous plait? Sometimes biting off more than you can chew can be a good thing. Two is always better than one right??

Due to the rain, 4 men’s matches were suspended because of bad light: Lochness Monster leads Chin-Chela of Argentina 6-2 3-3, Fatdatis leads Granolles 4-6 6-1 7-5; Marco Chuidinelli leads American John Isner (aka Green Giant) 7-6 5-5 and the final match Beetlejuice vs Italian Fabio Fognini are all tied 2 sets apiece 5 games all in the fifth set. (Fognini is nothing like his namesake Fabio the Italian model. Fognini looks more like a hobbit or perhaps I should say, if Fabio is a Canoli then Fognini is a noodle) All these matches are set to be completed today if the rains ever stops. Now although I make fun of Beetlejuice all the time (I mean come on now, he has a face only his mama can love and I am nobody’s mother) I generally liked him. I thought he was a decent player and he is definitely charismatic. Plus he is also from the Caribbean, Guadeloupe, a French speaking island (Guad-a-loop) not Guadalupe. Anywho, after watching the close of yesterday’s match, I was forced to take back my liking for the hideous boy and douse him with haterade. Beetlejuice was kicking the Italian’s @$$ on the court. He had a 2sets to 1 lead as well as being up 4-1 in the 4th set. The partisan French crowd was all behind him. The finishline was mere steps away. However, Beetlejuice inexplicably began to throw in “dropshots” This is where you casually/gently hit the ball just over the net so that it bounces twice before your opponent can get to it. Anywayz drop shots are often time effective because it makes the opponent scramble to the net only to miss the shot. However, that plan was not working so well for BJ as Fognini was up at net before you could say Figaro and that is if BJ did not miss the shot altogether. So before you could say Presto, Fognini won the 4th set forcing a 5th set. Now whilst this was going on, the day too was going. Remember that there were several rain delays causing play to be pushed back. Fognini got the early break but was broken and things remained on serve till 4-4. Now the French crowd was rabid at this point, screaming and acting like a bunch of hooligans. It is now after 9:00 p.m., and the tournament referee came out and ASKED whether play should stop. He is asking the players whether to stop play meanwhile there are no floodlights in the stadium a la US Open and Australian Open. Of course BJ said play on but Fognini said he did not want to.

A face only a mama can love.

However, the referee said play on. This was getting totally out of control at this point. Play was held up for another 6 minutes as the Italian Noodle kept trying to plead his case. You know what happened next? Carlos Bernades awarded BJ a point claiming time violation. Now I have never liked Carlos Bernades from Brazil ever since he claimed he did not see Nicolas Kiefer of Germany throw his racquet at Sebastien Grosjean so as to prevent him from hitting a shot. Now, if the chair umpire is to watch play, I do not know how it was possible for him not to have seen this disgusting tactic when it all happened up at net and the umpire sits on the net. He has forever been written into my bad book since that incident and yesterday he got even more write up. The lighting situation has deteriorated to the point where the players were hitting moon ball and afraid to come to net as they could not see. If things continue in this manner, the ATP would have to hand out flashlights along with racquets to play. Anyways, Faboni played through the penalty and won his game. However, he was unable to close out the match despite having 3 match points. So finally when they decided to end play, the set was all tied at 5 games each. I was really disappointed with BJ and the way the French crowd was acting, I thought a riot was imminent.

I was thinking that this was a perfect opportunity for God to pull out that "Let there be light" trick again.

If the rain ever go to Spain, the Serenanator, Fivehead, Divadal, No Justice Justine, Tabasco Ferdasco, D’Joker Harlequeen and Shriekapova are all set to play today. At this point, no one has taken the courts.

Anyway before we get to the RTFN Picture show, a very loyal fan yesterday, sent me an article about Divadal. Now, I know many fanz love Divadal and that my being a Mr. Federer fan places me in yet another minority group. However, I never shy away from controversy. This article was about Divadal wearing a watch during these championships that costs over $500k. No you did not read incorrectly, that’s half a million dollars. Now, if I ever paid that much money for a watch, that time piece better be a time machine and not simply telling me that it is 3:45 p.m. or what’s the time in Timbuktu when I am California. That watch sure as hell better be able to let me go back in time and give me today’s jackpot numbers or stop my mama from marrying the man who I unfortunately bear some resemblance to. If after paying that much for a watch, which in essence is one would be wearing a mortgage on their wrist, this sucker is just telling time, those motherfcukers who manufactured the watch would be wishing the watch was in fact a time machine so they can prevent me from going postal at the manufacturing plant. I found out that the watch the Tourbillor RMO 027 weighs 3.83 grams, which is 0.14 ounce. GREAT, so when some kleptomaniac (like the Crackhead and No Justice Justine cause I know she loves to wear watches) steals the fcuking half a million dollar watch off my hand I wouldn’t even know. I mean seriously why you want a watch during a tennis match? Are you going to hold up play and be like, “Here. I got a date in 10 minutes can be stop play and resume tomorrow?” Granted that Rolex and IBM are the official time keepers and they have clocks all over the place. Anywho, I did some investimigating and found this quota from the Divadal’s website “It is an honour for me than someone like Richard (Mille) has chosen me as one of his ambassadors. Since the moment we met there was a special feeling. I know that he has worked very hard to be able to create this very special watch. I am honoured and I am sure it will be a special and successful partnership.” Not the highlighted text and this is an actual quote from the Spaniard’s mouth. So in essence Divadal sugar daddy gave him a very expensive watch. Wouldn’t you like to be a fly on the wall during their “meetings?”

Divadal with his Sugar Daddy. And you people think I make this stuff up

RTFN Picture Show
Hottie of the Day

Gisela Dulko of Argentina, gone but not forgotten. M’am can we do the tango??

Swiss white chocolate Marco Chuidinelli of Switzerland. Cannot get any better than dark chocolate mixed with white?…. Can I get an Amen??

Notties of the Day

Undisputed king of the nottie list…Beetlejuice

Austria's Yvonne Meusburger...She's just not cute…

Boynetsova used to try to be more gentile like a lady but now she is just being plain ole butch. She’s here and Queer…

Some helpful fashion hints/caveats from the ladies of the WTA Tour.

Black isn't always slimming….

Having the name of a so-called celebrity designer (Stella McCartney) printed on your clothing will not help detract from the fact that the outfit is altogether ugly.

Baby blue does not make you appear soft like a baby.

Simply wearing a ribbon in your hair will not indicate to others that you’re a woman. It’s a ribbon with bows that does the trick.

And finally, there are times when pink does not make you look, feel or act like a girl.

Guess the Gender??

Guess who just found out that a certain diva is only into way older guys??

Birthday Hint:I want the bag for my birthday.

Somewhere in the world in a restaurant, someone is still waiting for Wawrinka to bring the glass of water and another spoon that he asked for 1 hour ago.

Flight Time on the ATP…

Take Off


Up Up and Away

And in conclusion…

She not only dresses like one, she acts like one too

Want to know what he knows??

Not only that she is wearing underwear but what kind

French Open 2010: Le troisieme jour

In French Open, Grand Slam, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Maria Sharapova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Uncategorized, Venus Williams on May 26, 2010 at 9:00 am

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Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour! I hope that all is well with my readers. Today, the 4th day of the championships begins and so does second round action. All second round matches have been decided with the exception of one men’s first round match. Xavier Malisse of Belgium leads Simon Gruel of Germany. Malisse has a two set lead and they are tied one game apiece in the third set. However, today is a brand new day and Malisse’s lead is no guarantee of his eventual win. Today, it seems I have nothing to “hate” about. Hmmmm, never a good thing but I am sure before the end of this issue I would come up with something. I do have some regrettable news though. There will not be a full issue tomorrow. I do sincerely apologize. I simply have too much to do and may not be able to complete all the necessary steps in order to get the issue to publication. I will as always send out an update. Friday’s issue of course will be jam packed. I am again making a plea that readers post comments on the Blog. Even if you cannot make comments immediately, you can do so at a later time, granted that later is not several years from now. Anyway, as there is nothing else by way of housekeeping that I can think of, we commence with the tennis.

Women’s Draw
The women’s action saw four-time champion No Justice Justine take the court against Tsevtana Pironkova. Now the name Tsevtana Pironkova may not be familiar to many of you but for the remainder, this name is infamous. In 2004, the Bulgarian took out the Crackhead in the first round of the Australian Open, a major upset to say the least. I was therefore expecting to see a similar result against the Belgian. However, my dream of another upset was to be denied though hopefully deferred. NJJ took the match 6-4 6-3. Things were not all smooth for the Belgian cheat as Pironkova was hitting some good ball. Nonetheless NJJ is into the second round and 6 matches shy of taking back her crown.

WOW We can actually see boobs on the Belgian cheat…or is it just the wind blowing up under the shirt.

Marian Bartoli of France aka La petite grosse got through to the second round as did Vera Zvonereva, Daniella Hantucova, Wickmayer of Belgium (2009 US Open semi-finalist), Jie Zheng (2010 Australian Open semi-finalist), Israeli Shahar Peer and Shriekapova. They all made it through to the second round. Americans Jill Craybas and Betthanie Mattek-Sands also got through with Sands taking out fellow American Vania King (we often refer to King as that tricycle riding villain in Saw).

Look now Maria, we spoke about this outfit last year…

and you come back this year in a similar shite…Seriously WTF?? Who is your stylist?? I really hope you aren’t eating meals with them.

There was not much news on the women’s side unless you overlook the fact that last year’s finalist Dinara Safina aka Dinada Safina got schooled by her mama. Some critics felt that amidst a stretch of bad play and injury, Marat Safin’s kid sister would find her game here on the grounds of Roland Garros and to be honest, this was a perfect opportunity for the Russian. The 24-year-old was playing 39-year-old Kimiko Date (Da-té not date) Krumm (apparently she is married to German race car driver Michael Krumm. Never heard of him) Ms. Krumm originally from Japan took a 12 year absence from the game. She is so old that when she played her first French Open, Dinada was only 3 years old. At first it looked that fortune was favoring the young as Dinada won the first set 6-3. However, there is an expression which says “new brooms sweep well but the old ones knows the corners” And yesterday Date-Krumm was showing some ole school tricks taking the entire match 3-6 6-4 7-5. Now Dinada is out. She is going to drop out of the top ten as she has not come anywhere near as close as her stellar season last year when she made it to two majors finals and collecting tour titles as if there were available at a yard sale. Now she will be losing all those points and come Wimbledon, she is sure to be floating around the 15-20 ranking.

Whhhhhyyyyyyy?? I'm losing to an old lady WTF??

Date-Krumm…lil upstart taught she was going to school mama but like a good mama, I sure did give her a spanking

Anyways in other news, Venus and Serena Williams are trying to be number ranked in both doubles and singles this French Open. So they begin their effort to do so with a win in first round doubles 6-0 6-1. They played a team one half of which was Tamarine Tanasugurn. Now Tanasugurn from Thailand played two matches yesterday in both singles and doubles, four sets of tennis and only won three games. Yes 3, the number between 2 and 4. She lost 6-1 6-1 to Daniella Hantucova and despite getting some help in doubles only won one game. Talk about a tough day at the office.

Crackhead: Yeah gurl, I didn’t want to say anything earlier but yeah…your head a HOT MESS….

Anyway sticking on the subject of the Williams. People are still talking about the Crackhead’s dress in particular the nude color underpants. Many are claiming that it is classless, slutty, etc etc. I mean seriously, I don’t understand what’s the deal. First off she has been wearing this color undies all year long including at the Australian Open where she debut that yellow outfit that appeared to have a very low cut bosom. Now the woman is wearing underwear, the color does not matter. If she was trying to go GI Jane out there a la Lindsay Lohan, we would be having something to talk about but come on people, let’s focus on the bigger picture. Venus is actually being more aggressive and controversial where as usually it is more so the Serenanator who is the bull dog. Rumor has it that the Crackhead is staying in Serena’s Parisian villa and Serena gave the Crackhead the bigger room. Hmmmm is Serena actually acquiescing to her rightful place of kid sister. Let’s see. I am going to more so believe that the Serenanator figures if she keeps the Crackhead happy, she won’t be trying to pilfer her good stuff in her apartment. You know how them crackheads can be. Can’t trust them.

Venus down under in January 2010….Now you see the undies…

Now you don’t. ILLUSION IN YO FACE

Anyways the men.
I am guessing that since first round action at the French Open is over the span on three days, it sort of spreads out the drama because yesterday on the men’s side, it was business as usual, albeit at times some of the business was risky. Mr. Brooklyn Decker began his futile attempt to win a French title yesterday against Jarrko Niemenen of Finland. Mind you he had not played a single clay court match for the year but somehow he came on court brimming with confidence. He took the first set 6-2 but things quickly began to deteriorate for the American as he lost the next two sets and was two points away from losing. However, he climbed his way back out and improved to an 8-8 record at the French Open. Congratulations Mr. Brooklyn Decker, you have just moved from mediocrity to average. His compatriot Robby Ginepri also made it through to the second round, as he took out fellow American Sam “the Grinch” Querry who was playing some really good clay court tennis this season winning a title in Europe this season.

Overwhelming favorite Divadal put on a tennis clinic as he took apart French wild card Gianni Mina 6-2 6-2 6-2. One can only appreciate the fact that Divadal’s generosity as he has taken apart much more formidable opponents losing far less games.

Ahhh excuse me Divadal….

You’re wearing Serenanator’s outfit…(look at those fabulous arches in the eyebrows for the Diva)

Gianni Mina was lamb for the slaughter up against the Divadal.

Dividal being the flag ship of the Spanish Armada also saw fellow Spaniards Tabasco Verdasco, David Ferrer and Juan Carlos Ferrero go through to the second round. Austria’s Jurgen Melzer took out Dudi Sela of Isreal in straight sets. Lleyton “Dingo Dog” Hewitt of Australia also won his match though he too, like Mr. Brooklyn Decker, is on a losing effort to hoist the French Open cup.

Dingo Dog extending tremendous effort, which would be better spent elsewhere.

Anyway nothing much else to report though just far in terms of Day 4 play, the Crackhead has made it through to the 4th round 6-2 6-4 (a really neat match from the American) as did “Hood” who basically came out for a warm up session against American Taylor Dent 6-0 6-1 6-1. Nadia “Fatrova” Petrova also won as did Albert Montanes who beat Mr. Federer in Portugal this year also won. Mr. Federer is in action right now and though right now he is on serve, he is looking very very very sloppy. He finally took the first set in a tie-break.

RTFN Picture Show…
Hottie of the Day…well today for the woman, is merely a cutie…

Carolina Woziniacki of Denmark…the Danish butter cookie….

On the men’s side… possible VIEWERS DISCRETION ADVISED…
Fernando “Tabasco” Verdasco

Nottie of the Day…

Tabasco Verdasco getting ready for the match…..we here at RTFN has declared this man so hot, he is not a natural disaster….VOLCANO HOT…

Ana Ivanovic, you better watch your back because you might just get cut.

Notties of the Day…

They appeared on the tennis courts to play a match but...

but the jury is still out as to their gender…

Not much going on in the Mixed Bag today…

Ever the model of class and sophistication, Tabasco Verdasco showing off 4th position ballet. Spanish Baryshnikov

Talk about mega hold hair gel..this is through 5 sets of tennis…

These ladies definitely need a Mani.. (This is Jie Zheng. To think she is Asian and this is the state of her nails. Appalling)

And seeing that they are tennis players…Pedi for sure. Just disgusting.

What does Iron Man do in his off days?

He plays tennis for France under the name of David Guez

So I have figured out how it is that Dinada lost to a mommy…Because she is with child.

French Open 2010: Le deuxieme jour

In French Open, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Maria Sharapova, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis on May 25, 2010 at 5:38 pm

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As we speak, Day 3 of the French Open is under way and by the end of today’s play, all the first round singles matches on both the women’s and men’s draws would be completed. Yesterday was not so much an exciting day of tennis but it did mark the first day of full action on all the courts at Roland Garros. The marquee matchup of Lochness Monster vs Richard Gasquet of France did hold true to form. Anyway before we get to discussing tennis and other whatnots, as E’Ditor n Chefe, I have to do a little retraction/correction. In the last issue, I made an error whilst covering the Tsonga vs. Brands match. In my defense I was heavily distracted recalling the action on court not to mention thoughts of action elsewhere but for the sake of keeping our family-friendly rating, I will not speak of such matter. Anywho, I erroneously stated that Baby Ali and the German Lager played a 4 set match when in fact they played 5 sets. The German Lager played a very good match but as is often the case, there can only be one winner. I do apologize. The final score for that match was 4-6 6-3 6-2 6-7 7-5. I totally undermined the efforts of these two players. It was a Freudian slip as I most certainly wanted to get under….(Due to the Family Friendly Rating of this blog, the previous sentence cannot be completed. However, please feel free to use your imagination and put your minds in the gutter.)

Excuse me sir, can you show me how to place my hot dog in your buns? I would really appreciate it. Thanks 😉

Before I get to the tennis, I do have to clear up one other matter. Yesterday, I got feedback from a very very loyal reader about the French Open Prévu. Now, we all know I strongly encourage feedback especially now that there is an actual blog and comment section for you to make your opinion known. However, what I do not tolerate, is the questioning of my “journalist integrity” as well as the integrity of this illustrious publication. This very very loyal reader expressed disappointment of the lack pictures in that issue. So I am going to address this matter because I am aware that there are some readers who in fact are not reading the issue but merely looking at the pictures. Firstly, I know of no first graders who read this publication. Therefore, getting these issues just for the pictures is totally ridiculous. Therefore, like my great aunt “Tantie Stavie” told her husband when he bought the wrong juice, I am telling you, “You got to read brother! You got to read!” Nevertheless, a preview speaks of things to come and I can hardly show pictures of the 2010 French Open when the 2010 French Open has yet to start. DUH!! More importantly, for those who are merely taking a glance at my work despite my laboring over each and every issue, and complaining of there not being enough pictures, understand that this is a blog and not Flickr. By the very definition of the word blog (derived from web log or so they say) actual writing is paramount for it to remain true to itself. One can hardly expect to go to a play and demand to see musical numbers. This periodical is not a Photography Review or an art gallery.  This is a tennis blog. I understand the comical value of the pictures and that it draws the masses. However, I would like to believe that comedy is found not only in the pictures (It should be noted that nearly all credit for the pictures come from Getty Images and the French Tennis Federation) but in my words. Therefore, if you want more pictures, go get a highly digitalized camera, pay for my expenses to actually go to these events and you would have all the pictures that you want. So until that time, JUST DEAL! Oh okay, I think my stop is coming up on the Hate-a-Rail, so I am going to get off on this hate express train.

Oh yeah I should also mention that I have added a Moniker Guide page on the blog. So in case you are a bit confused as to who is who or who is what, check out the page. Monikers

To the tennis…Women’s draw.

The Serenanator started her quest for her second French Open title. This major is the only major that she has not won at least 3 times having 3 US Open, 5 Australian Open and 3 Wimbledon titles. She states that her lone French trophy is awfully lonely without a companion. She started off very sluggish against her Swiss opponent but in the end resolve the matter with a 7-6 6-2 victory.

The Serenanator looking to put a Hurt Locker on the women’s field. Look at those missiles in front and the guns blazing at the side.

Caroline Wozniacki of Denmark, seeded third here at this championship has been a question mark before the tournament because of her retirement in the quarterfinals in Poland last week. She is of Polish descent so was disappointed with the early exit. However, yesterday, she showed a complete recovery when she took out one of the many Russians in the draw 6-0 6-3.  Speaking of Russians, the Demented One aka Elena Dementieva looked very stellar in her 6-1 6-1 victory to move into the second round. The Demented One besides being a serious head case at times is often criticized for her weak service motion. She has improved it somewhat and one should know that the red clay definitely makes that serve less problematic as it would be elsewhere. In other ladies matches, the two Serbians also moved into the second round Fivehead Jankovic (who did not disappoint us with some horrendous fashion choice this year) and Ana Ivanovic (surprisingly she has no nickname as yet). Sam “D’Stove” Stosur of Australia (We have an Australian in the house) as well as Li Na are also in the second round.

You know sometimes I think I am a bit harsh on Fivehead. I mean after all, she is somebody’s child. However, just when I was about to re-consider, she shows up at the French Open looking like a big pack of Juicy Fruit. I mean come on now….Can you blame me…she’s an easy target.

American Melanie Oudin aka Abby Cabaddy lost yesterday. That girl got a big mouth and has no sense of courtesy. After her lost yesterday, she inferred that she lost because her opponent was old. I know the US has high hopes in this girl, she is the 3rd rank US player (somewhere in the low thirties I think…hold let me verify. Yes ranked 37 after Serena’s and Venus’s 1 and 2 ranking) but I really think their efforts are wasted. I know the US loves to have a “home-grown” champion. You know a Maria Shriekapova-esque type that can walk the Madison Avenue line. However, this Oudin Sesame Street character is not the one. First off she is too short and though she got to the quarters of the US Open after beating a string of mentally defective Russians, she is not that talented to win majors. I rattle off a long list of players who shown some flash of gold but on closer examination turned out to be the sun reflecting on glass…junk. Ever heard of Clarissa Fernandez of Argentina, Alexandra Stevenson of the US, how about Iva Majoli of Croatia? Well I doubt you have but Fernandez in 2002 made it to the French Open semi-finals only to lose to Venus Williams. Alexandra Stevenson, the daughter of basketball legend Julius Erving got the semifinals of Wimbledon in 1999 losing to Lindsay Davenport who went on to win her only Wimbledon title. Iva Majoli won the French Open in 1997 beating Martina Hingis in the finals, preventing what would have been a grand slam for the Swiss cocaine user. Now what do all these ladies have in common. They showed a spark but in the end their fuse was all wet and they never really got to explode. Ms. Oudin should be mindful of this as should the USTA.

Anyways to the men’s…
Mr. Federer began his title defense and I have to say that the way people are talking about Mr. Federer’s 2009 French Open title is beyond me. People are acting as though the man literally stole it from Divadal. They seem to think that there should be an asterisk next to his name and they continually and erroneously stated that Divadal was ailing and could not defend his title. However, I am here to set the record straight. The Spanish Diva LOST. Yes she lost. She did not retire from a match, she did not pull out of the tournament, she was not shot, stabbed, suffered a broken leg, arm or pinkie. NO. He played Robin “Hood” Soderling and LOST. This is extremely disrespect and disgusting coming from the many pundits on tv including those COMMENTHATERS on ESPN2 and now Tennis Channel. They are totally undermining the Swedish man’s accomplishment. Divadal was not limping around on the court and he played the entire match. He got beat. If he was not 100%, he should have stayed home. Interestingly enough, Divadal hardly made this excuse for himself. No one make excuses for other top players when they lose. They simply say, their opponent beat them fair and square. Now Mr. Federer did his job. He got to the finals. What was he suppose to do seeing that Divadal was not present? Lose and wait until they meet again in the finals. Divadal’s reign at the French Open though highly claimed as a foregone conclusion, is not law. He still has to play 7 guys each and every year in order to get to hold that trophy. Mr. Federer did just that last year and his name is on it. Mr. Federer has beaten Divadal on clay albeit Divadal is clearly the superior “earthbender.” I also dislike all this bullshit talk about when Mr. Federer has beaten Divadal on clay at Hamburg in 2007 and in Madrid in 2009, it was because Divadal was tired and the conditions suited Mr. Federer. Bullshit! Bullshit! Stop acting like Mr. Federer is some young upstart. Of the last 23 consecutive majors Mr. Federer has played, he has made it to the semifinals or better. The guy in second place, made it to 10 consecutive semifinals. So people RESPECT THE FED okay!

WTF people! Yes, I know the Diva is in the house this year as he was last year when I WON. And yes, I very much plan on defending my title. So how about a lil R-E-S-P-E-C-T…..

Anywayz, Mr. Federer won his first round match quite easily over his Australian opponent 6-4 6-1 6-2. Also winning yesterday was Gael ‘beetlejuice” Monfils, Mr. Federer’s countryman Stanislas Wawrinka, Marcos “Fadatis” Baghdatis, D’Joker Harlequeen, Ivan Ljubicic, Tomas Berdych, Nicolas Almagro and Speedy Gonzalez. The US should be proud of the fact that three men moved into the second round here at Roland Garros. Taylor Dent, John Isner aka Green Giant and Mardy Fish aka Mardy Whale all went through. This is a very fine accomplishment for the US men. One noticeable upset yesterday was the lost of Tommy Robredo.

Yesterday’s marquee match was that of Scotland’s Lochness Monster vs. France’s Richard Gasquet. Now Richard Gasquet and the Monster have played 3 times previous to this match with the Frenchmen leading the series 2-1. In their last matchup Wimbledon 2008, Gasquet was leading 2 sets to love and I think was up a break. It seemed the end of the Monster and that of the British hopes for having a men’s champion. However, being that he is French Gasquet ran out of gas or perhaps had too much because his game began to stink. He decided to do that silly trick of tanking the 4th set after losing the third so that you can have energy to win the 5th. However, this is a rather stupid tactic because at the end of 4th set, both players are even.  The other player who was down is not likely to go away just because you want him to. Anyway, Gasquet lost the match. It was devastating for him.

Oh Crap!! I think I just sharted…..

Things went downhill for the Frenchman as in 2009, he tested positive for cocaine. We reported this matter here at RTFN. Gasquet said that he kissed girl who had cocaine on her lips hence his positive test. Seriously?? Seriously?? We here at RTFN do not buy this story. Even if you want to believe him, the fact that he knowingly kissed a girl who was snorting the white powder speaks of his own comfort with the drug. However, what really makes this story so incredible is the fact that there was that much cocaine laying around on her face for him to ingest and register in his system. What kind of coke-ho leaves that much coke lying around on their face? Was he kissing her in her nose? However, what I found most unbelievable about the story was that people believe that Gasquet was making out with a girl. Are you kidding me?? Seriously?? For that to be true, he had to be high and therefore, he was using. Anyhow he beat the charge. Anywayz, to the match, Gasquet again took the first two sets and had a break. But like the true Frenchman that he is, he could not win the war and unfortunately, since we are playing on clay, the Americans could not be of help. Gasquet again began to play fart and allowed the Scottish beast to live to see another day 4-6 6-7 6-4 6-2 6-1. Gasquet choked and perhaps the fatigue began to set in. I hope the French Federation see what they caused by not giving the guy a later start. It’s really a shame because though I doubt he would ever win a slam, the Frenchman is immensely talented. I daresay he is the most talented French male player out there. Unfortunately, he is not as physically and mentally imposing as his compatriots Baby Ali and Beetlejuice. Nevertheless, RTFN cannot resist the urge to re-name Monsieur Gasquet as of today, is officially called Lil Richard G@$$ké.  Anyway, Lochness Monster is not a threat here and is sure to go out by the 4th round.

Lochness Monster: Oh those lips look so perfect for a French kiss.

In today’s matches, Divadal, No Justice Justine, La Petite Grosse, Tabasco Verdasco, Mr. Brooklyn Decker, Shriekapova, The Grinch are all set to play. No Justice Justine has already won her match, and Tabasco Verdasco is putting the finishing touches on his match. Mr. Brooklyn Decker is now battling it out in the 5th set. I am not surprised he had absolutely no preparation for this tournament.

RTFN Picture Show….
Hotties of the Day..

Ignore the manly body…look at that gorgeous girly face…(The Demented One!)

All I’m gonna say is he’s Brazilian….

Nottie of the Day

Yet another major and Beetlejuice still continues to scare us…


Mixed Photo Bag

Another installment of RTFN Locator: The long lost siblings of Sesame Street characters.

Today you re-unite Jelena “Fivehead” Jankovic with her brother “Big Bird” Notice the startling resemblance… the huge head….the massive wings and of course the matching feathers.

Like all divas, Divadal is a fashion trend-setter…
He first gave us the man Capri, then bedazzled pants in 2009, he was pretty in pink, now he gives us the plaid Capri with tight midrib shirt…..But you know, not all divas can be fashion icons

And the trend has spread like wild fire…

It’s caught on in America with the Bryan Brothers..Double Hot Mess Trouble.

Even the Bettlejuice trying to come off stylish as well

Did I get it? Did I get it?

Ru Paul's Drag Race at Roland Garros??

Oh what a mighty gush wind! A girl could be exposed out here.

Ru Paul’s Drag Race…May the best woman win…..I think she is “tucking”….even that grey bit looks like duct tape. If you don’t know what tucking means, you better ask someone.

Now the guy walking by with the racquet is today’s male Hottie of the day… How hot is he?? Look at the men (The man standing in the black suit, guy in the red cap the guy in the upper right corner in that hideous open shirt, guy below in black Lacoste t-shirt and the guy seated) When you can walk across a room/area/court and all the men are looking at you like these men and you not at the local gay club, YOU’RE THAT FCUKING HOT. YOU GOT IT GOING ON!!! You deserve to be hottie of the week. Now look at the two women (especially that lil escaped prisoner in black and white stripes).….they know they are beat.

See you tomorrow….

French Open 2010: Le premier jour

In French Open, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Sports Blog, Tennis, Venus Williams on May 24, 2010 at 8:27 pm

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The French Open began yesterday and is already on its way as we speak…well we read. As have become the habit in Paris for the past three years, they start play on a Sunday instead of the traditional Monday. Their reason being, clay court matches are longer and it is nearly impossible to fit 128 singles matches in two days. However, the Sunday play is usually very light compare to the regular days. Nonetheless, there were several very interesting match ups that brought the crowds to Paris and more importantly, prevented me from going to the gym or even a run.

Straight to the results, Boynetsova beat Soriana Cirstea who made a nice run last year at the Open getting to the 4th round. Many have questioned Boynetsova’s ability to defend her title, myself included but one cannot forget that Boynetsova has some thunder thighs and those are the tools one require in order to play well on clay. 6-3 6-1. Ms. Gold Lamé also went through 6-1 6-1, definitely giving the French hope, as did Fatrova, Penne Pasta, Cibulkova and Kirilenko. Big upset of the day was Gisela Dulko of Argentina taking out Victoria Azarenka of Belarus. Azarenka looked like a deflating balloon on court and of course the tears were flowing. Since we are speaking of tears, we have to mention Anna Chakvetadze who was on her way to win a first round match at a major something she often times struggles to do but of course suffered a mental break down. Also surprising lost of the Rome Champion Maria Sanchez (Spanish people got too many names so I am just shortening it)

Anyway I know by now the talk of the town is definitely the Crackhead aka Venus Williams and her “racy” dress but I would deal with that in a minute. What I want to talk about first and foremost is the tennis I saw displayed against Patty Schndyer. The Crackhead won 6-3 6-3 and I swear it was some of the best clay court tennis I have ever seen from her. She was all over that court. I believe the Swiss only held serve 4 times during the match. Everyone spoke of this match being very tricky for the Crackhead but she came out there erasing any doubt people may have had. She owns Patty Schndyer as it is 10-love lifetime against her. Anyway Venus made it 11-0. To the dress: or as the Crackhead calls it “Illusion” though one wonders if she isn’t quite Delusional…

Yes that is lace you are seeing and No that’s not her butt.

Now a lot have been said about the dress and considering that RTFN calls Ms. Williams a “Crackhead” it almost seems as if she is expanding the moniker to “Crack Ho.” However, that’s going to be too much drama and in some ways I have to defend her stylish choice. People calm down, Crackhead is not playing tennis in lace. Now, we here at RTFN have noticed many many many fashion “statements” which have only led to questions displayed on court from both the men and women. Whereas the men usually have problems with print, colors, size and coordination, the women seem to usually have problems of construction/execution. Yes on paper most of the designs are outstanding. However, considering the fact that you have to run up and down on court, sweating, the practicality of the outfit has to out way the ideal. Nonetheless, we have seen countless women such as Shriekapova, The Demented One, Fatrova come on court with utter madness..

Case in point, Shriekapova... MARIA…OH MARIA WTF GURL??…

The Crackhead is no exception. It is no secret that I hate her “Goddess” dress that big yellow getup, which favors Wilma Flintstone’s all-in-one piece she so exhaustingly wore throughout that horrible cartoon. I do not know if many of you remember the Crackhead’s pant bit in 2008 if I am not mistaken. If one can actually call them pants. Those things were so short, it had her religion exposed showing us all what God gave her. Now with this Illusion Dress, I have to say though appropriateness may be questioned, the execution and practicality were flawless.

oooooooo Nasty....

Oooooooo I'm a nasty girl

She unveiled a similar style dress earlier in the year but I guess, when she came to Paris, she needed to amp things up a bit. Now, she is not playing in lace as many of you females and men know, negligee is not suppose to be sweat in. If you’re sweating in it, something is wrong. Anyway, I think if I am not mistaken is that the lace is placed over a more durable and sweat friendly material like that bit she wears as a pants. That material observes the sweat and also makes a more comfortable fit. Otherwise, if she were running up and down in lace, there will be more than wardrobe malfuction, more like a warbrobe deconstruction. Anyway, the Crackhead is going to be 30 years old next month. That’s right, 30 and if at 30 a woman cannot wear negligee when the hell can she do so. The Crackhead is not some 17 year old upstart. She is fully mature, grand dame and I say to hell with rules of propriety. Divadal showed up at the Aussie Open last year with bedazzled pants. The pundits did not say shit….so let them lay off the Crackhead even though she is playing in her nightie. She has earned that right.

And to be fair… things could be worse…with this getup here… LOOK AT THAT HOT HAIR MESS…UNBEWEAVEABLE…

Anyway, men also played tennis and there were no wardrobe surprises for us at all but a huge upset of sorts. Ernest Gulbis of Latvia was poise to make some trouble here in Paris. In Rome, he gave Divadal some serious trouble in the semifinal and almost gave the Spaniard an almost improbable loss on clay. Gulbis had already taken out Mr. Federer on his way there. Mr. Federer paid him back in Madrid but there was no denying that Gulbis was on fire coming into Roland Garros. However, that fire was quickly extinguished by the Frenchman Julien Benneteau who pushed Gulbis to his breaking point. Gulbis had to retire from the match. Other notable wins yesterday included Juan Ignacio Chela of Argentina, Hood and Mikhail Youzhny of Russia. The interesting match up yesterday was between Baby Ali and Daniel Brands of Germany. Now Baby Ali had asked the French Federation to give him a Monday start instead of a Sunday start. They however, said no. It seems the French Federation are not in favor of granting requests to their players as they also denied a similar request to Richard Gasquet of France who won a tournament in Nice on Saturday and set to play his first round match today Monday against none other than Lochness Monster. I know for a fact that the French Federation President was in attendance at that match and saw Richard Gasquet won that long grueling match against Fernando “Tabasco Verdasco” Verdasco. Nonetheless they denied them both. But anyways, it seemed that Baby Ali was still smarting over the denial and came out playing like a spoilt child. Brands for a good player…truth be told, Brands was a hot player…but Baby Ali was just dumping shots everywhere expect in the court. He eventually pulled out the match in 4 sets but he was a heartbeat away from going to a 5th and quite possibly back home.

By the time you get this, Day 2 would have already started. Some wins that are already confirmed are that of Americans Taylor Dent and John Isner. Mr. Federer, D’Joker Harlequeen and the Serenanator are all through. Melanie Oudin aka Abby Cadabby lost her first round match as did Divadal’s ex boo Feliciano Lopez. Tomorrow would be a complete coverage of today’s action including the highly anticipated match between Lochness and Gasquet.


Hotties of the DAY!

Though you lost Soriana Cirstea, we still have to give you MAD props for looking damn hot and cute in the process..YOU DEFINITELY GOT IT GOING ON in that ORANGE…HOTNESS

Sometimes the face doesn’t matter at all…

There is a place called Alscae-Lorraine sandwiched between France and Germany, which have been the source of much controversy in global history (World War I) Well, I just want to say that I wish I were Alscae-Lorraine right now so that I could be between this Frenchman and this German…

(Jo-Wilfred Tsonga) Baby Ali is tired as he has been running though my mind

(Daniel Brands of Germany) Nothing like a nice German Lager


Hallo Hallo HALLO

OOOO la la

If you are willing to accept the good, then you have to take the bad… NOTTIES OF THE DAY.

I can't believe that it's Butter....It's BUTTERFACE

Chela is CheNO.....That's a scary look


Don’t know whether she is curly or straight…but I do know it is without a doubt..A HOT MESS.

See you tomorrow with more coverage… Remember to watch tennis


In French Open, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Venus Williams on May 24, 2010 at 6:33 am

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Bonjour les fanz…I am perhaps the last expert to give his picks, previews and comments on this upcoming French Open 2010. Many of the so called experts have already had their say. However, I assure you that we here are the final word on all matters relating to tennis. I do have to admit that for some unknown reason, I withheld writing this earlier. I am not sure. Perhaps procrastination but it just never felt like the right time to write this until now. Though by the time you read this, Day 2 of the French Open would have already started and you would have Day 1 issue to peruse as well. However, we here at RTFN is all about better late than never.

So the French Open is here and I have to say that beyond any that I can remember in recent history, this particular French Open is very momentous. It is jam packed and filled with many interesting twists, subplots and definitely much intrigue. I do not know much but I do know that his French Open is going to be hot for the game of tennis and it will leave many fanz salivating for more. And we here at RTFN will get to it all. Now, this would be the very first grand slam/major edition that will be up and running on our new home I do hope that everyone log on and post comments. Also tell your friends about the blog. I know some of you claim to have “limited” internet access but I am not going to accept that. I know for a fact that a computer with internet access is merely three to four steps away (depending on whether one has a bum knee or not). Therefore, I expect to see comments and traffic on the site or else your subscription would be irrevocable revoked. No more special delivery. Nonetheless, we would commence with the Le Prévu du French Open 2010.

Now when we last spoke, we were down under on the island-continent of Australia and Roger “Mr. Federer” Federer and Serena “The Serenanator” Williams were crowned Victor and Victress Ludorums and well deserved it was. However, things have greatly changed since that time. Therefore, it becomes necessary to set the scene for the preview of these championships. We begin with the ladies. Now between February and May there are basically 6 major tournaments; two hard court (Indian Wells, CA and Miami, FL) as well a clay court (Charleston, NC) tournaments in the US and three clay court tournaments (Stuttgart, Germany, Roma, Italy and Madrid, Spain) in Europe. Now these are very big tournaments, just below the majors for points and rankings. The big girls know to play these tournaments. Jelena “Fivehead” Jankovic took Indian Wells, beating Caroline Wozniacki of Denmark; Kim “Mommie Dearest” Clijsters took out…truth be told, she dismantled  Venus “Crackhead” Williams in Miami 6-2 6-1; Sam “Stove” Stosur took out Vera “Zeronava” Zvonareva in North Carolina. When they moved to Europe, Justine “No Justice” Henin (still haven’t come up with a nice name that is family friendly and fitting for this Belgian herb) beat “the Stove” and for the final two tournaments for two “surprises” Maria Jose Martinez-Sanchez (she’s from Spain) over Fivehead and Aravane Rezai over the Crackhead. (I would deal with that last result in a minute). These are all interesting results but they leave much to be desired in terms of telling the true measure for Roland Garros.

The women’s draw seems to be rather wide open as to who could be the winner, which is weird considering in previous years, a clear winner could have been picked weeks before the tournament even started. However, a popular saying here at RTFN is that “the game is won and lost on the field.” In the road leading up to Roland Garros, the Serenanator did not play a single match since winning the Australian Open until she got to Europe early this month as she was suffering with a knee injury. Last year’s defending champ Svetlana “Boynetsova” Kuznetsova has not muster much of a campaign in defense of her title as she has been lackluster as of late. “No Justice” Justine has not looked herself since coming back on the tour as she has been having some weird results. May be this is the reflection of a “clean” Justine. She lost in the first round of Madrid to Aravane Rezai 0-6 in the third. (Seriously??? Seriously!!!) Elena “The Demented One” Dementieva has been looking her usual self, demented with only two wins on clay this year. She made it to the finals at the French Open in 2004 and if there is any major she can win with that silly serve of hers is here on the red stuff.

Now you wouldn’t believe who are some of the top picks going into the French Open on the women’s draw are..Fivehead, Crackhead and Ms. Gold Lamé aka Aravane Rezai (picture explains it all) Fivehead has played some really good matches since Australia. Things have not been looking so bright for her since her lost in the 2008 US Open finals to the Serenantor. She has been going on a downward spiral though nowhere near the pace as her countrywoman Ana Ivanovic aka Mrs. Fernando Verdasco. She got to the finals of Rome and lost to the Spaniard Sanchez. It is no secret that I cannot stand her but I have to give credit where credit is due. She can definitely cause some trouble in Paris on and off the courts. It seems Ms. Fivehead thinks she is more than anatomically related to the Tyra Banks and under the mistaken impression that she too is a model. Having your picture taken does not make you a model. Do I have to go to congress and have them this a law in order for people understand this? Ms. Gold Lamé is also a contender, the pundits have predicted. Her victory over the Crackhead greatly increased her odds. It also helped that she beat No Justice Justine and Fivehead on her way to the title. The thing is that she getting a lot of noise because she is French born though you realize with the last name Rezai she is not really “French.” Her parents are Iranian. France is making a lot of noise because they have not had a French born champion since Yannick Noah 1983. They seem to want to over look Mary Pierce’s victory in 2000. Mary also won the Australian Open in 1995. I mean give Mary a break. So she is a Canadian-American-French woman. Mary’s mother a French woman married an American man I think and had a baby in Canada. Mary plays for France so she’s French. Sometimes, you have to take what you can get. Mary is just trying to make sure she can get the most for her healthcare dollars. She has complete coverage when combining the benefits of France, Canada and US. Anyway, Rezai is the new herald queen since Amelie “Loseresmo” Mauresmo has failed to bring home the title year after year. Amelie has since retired and now lives with her “trainer” a la Ricky Martin and Queen Latifah. Where can I find trainers who do these kinds of TOTAL BODY workouts? I digress. Anyways, the thing is that I do not think Rezai is much of a contender. Rezai has barely measure much on the Richter scale before Madrid and she is not even the number one Frenchwoman. That honor belongs to Marian “La petite grosse” Bartoli. So really and truly, Ms. Gold Lamé is just flash in the pan and underneath it all, like her dress, she is just plain ole tacky.

Yes that is black lace on gold lamé.Ms. Gold Lamé! Apparently her “friend” designed this outfit for her. All I am gonna say is; since you are too blind to see the truth of the matter, you can certainly take this “friend’s” clothing but I wouldn’t eat from her!

I was not kidding you not when I said that Crackhead is in the mix of things and we are not at Wimbledon. Now, we all know my standing with Ms. Venus Ebony Starr Williams at the close of last major. I buried her. She is “officially” dead to this organization and relegated to the repechage as she was constantly showing her crackish ways and leading me to a sure death watching her matches. However, the lady of nearly 30 has been showing some decent stuff. She defended her titles in Dubai and Mexico, beat Mommie Dearest at the non-tournament Billie Jean Cup collecting a cool $1.5 million for 4 sets of tennis. (And my mother told my sister not to play with balls and wood. Foolish woman!) The Crackhead also got to the finals of Miami, the quarters of Rome and the finals of Madrid. Did I mention that she is back at being number 2 in the world? Yes the Williams Sisters are 1-2 in the world and seeded as such at the tournament. This is great news for them because they can only meet in the finals of any tournament they play if they remain 1 and 2 rank. Anyway the Crackhead has a very good clay court record, she just does not have a great one at Roland Garros, a tournament she has played for 14 straight years. She has gone out in the 3rd round for three straight years. However, according to the stats, the Crackhead is a clay court player. I know. Unbelievable but true, numbers do not lie. She is ranked in the top amongst active players with most wins on clay; a tie for second on the list if I am not mistaken. She has one clay tournament win this year in Mexico and got to the quarters and finals in two other major clay court tournaments. I do not know how the fcuk she lost to Ms. Gold Lamé but Crackheads are prone to such antics, we all know.  The Crackhead should have at least made a match of it by taking it to a 3rd set as she was up 5-2 in the second set but she lost five straight games playing . I swear…Calmez-vous! Calmez-vous! I have already buried Venus and promised myself not to be emotionally invested in her matches anymore.

The Sisters are back on top. (In my humble opinion, I really think PETA should also be directing their efforts towards the unethical use of animal print!)

Anyway all this posturing does not mean a thing as the draw is loaded with 128 females all gunning for that prize. In the top half, Serenanator is on top and if she wants to win her second French title (her first being in 2002) she has to first survive a death pool. Last year, she came into the French Open having not played a single match on the red stuff. She made it to the quarters and was up a break in the third set before faltering against the eventual winner Boynetsova. The Serenanator promised to be back and this year, her preparation could not have been any better as per her standard. She made it to the semifinals of Rome and though she lost early in Madrid in singles, she took the doubles crown with her big sis. The Serenanator is hungry. She wants a second French title and she wants the elusive grandslam of tennis (winning all four majors in the calendar year). She is already there with an Australian Open title. People are forgetting to factor her in but if we know anything it is that the Serenanator loves being the underdog. The thing is that since 2007, the Serenanator has made it to the quarters or better in all the majors. She does not care for the other tournaments but it is at majors where she shows her full arsenal. However, she has No Justice Justine, the Stove, Maria “Shriekapova” Sharapova, La Petite Grosse and Isreali Shahar Peer all in just her quarter of the draw. On the other side there lurks Fivehead and last year’s finalist Dinara “Dinada” Safina to possibly face in the semis. Dinada has been out of sorts for a while now. I do think since the Crackhead obliterated her on the grass of Wimbledon last year, she has definitely lost her way. I did not help that everyone (except yours truly) was questioning her number one ranking and she has a bad back. Nonetheless, the Serenantor is going to be in the finals. She is out to seek and destroy.

Mr. Federer has come close three times (2004, 2006, 2007) and Serenanator once (2002), however, this year, they are really gunning for the elusive Grand Slam.

On the other side of the draw is the Crackhead. Her draw is not easy either but other experts say she could win. I say, let’s just wait until the Crackhead gets on the court, because her first round match is against, the Swiss Patty Schnyder a very tricky left-handed player. One knows never to trust a crackhead with even the oxygen in the air and I for one not going to trust this one with my hopes. You know in 2001, she came in ranked number one in the world and lost in the first round to Barbara Schett? Who the fcuk is Barbara Schett you may ask? Well she is just one of the many players on the list of women who has beaten Venus Williams at tennis when they bloody well have no business doing so. So yeah the Crackhead, I am going to hold off on any sort of prediction for her. BUT, if I were a gambling man as well as a glutton for punishment, I would say that this year, she really has a chance of winning the title. However, she has the Demented One, Dominika Cibulkova (last year’s quarterfinalist) Victoria Azarenka, Nadia “Fatrova” Petrova and lookie here, Ms. Gold Lamé herself in her quarters alone. There is also the possibility of the Crackhead having to face last year’s Champion Boynetsova, Carolina Wozniacki (last year’s US Open finalist) Italians Francesca Schiavone, Flavia “Penne Pasta” Pennetta and oh yeah, Na Li, the very same one who took her out 2008 Olympics and this year’s Australian Open. So the Crackhead is not in a good place right now. However, she from the hood and she know how to fight dirty. I personally think this half of the draw is more open than the top half. I do not think that Rezai is going to make much of a statement here and Wozniacki has played too much tennis for the year and comes to Paris injured. On the other hand, Boynetsova, the Demented One and several of the other players want to make a name for themselves here in Paris. We shall see, remember, the game is won and lost on the field.

As for the menz…Well there is really one name to be mentioned when it comes to the French Open, Rafael “Divadal” Nadal. Everyone else is supporting cast. Think of it like Destiny’s Child, the Supremes. Divadal is Beyonce and Diana Ross, and the others just singing back up. However, even that analogy does not seem I mean, I do not particularly like this comparison, as in both those cases, we all know the better singers were in the back up squads. The thing is that Divadal is virtually unbeatable on this stuff. Consider that last year, since losing in the 4th round to Robin “Hood” Soderling at Roland Garros, Divadal did not win a single tournament until this year. However, he won the last three he played, he kicked @$$ winning all three. Divadal is an earthbender. And if you don’t know who or what that is, watch the new movie Last Airbender. Divadal is Toph, the greatest earthbender there is.

The resemblance is undeniable and get this…Toph is a girl too.

Everyone else is really playing catch up including Mr. Federer. The Spanish Armada, aka other Spanish players, Fernando Verdasco, Nicolas Almagro, Tommy Robredo, Juan Carlos Ferrero, David Ferrer, Albert Montanes, Carlos Moya and Feliciano Lopez are all competent on the clay. They all know surface but despite all this, they are unable to beat their countryman. I think only Ferrero has once beat Divadal. The others, have all had suffered virtual beatdowns by the Spanish diva. Mr. Federer who has had a horrible clay court season, made it to the finals of Madrid and tried to make it honest for the Divadal but still came up short. As for the other men, Novak “D’Joker Harlequeen” Djokovic, Andy “Lochness Monster” Murray, Jo-Wilfred “Baby Ali” Tsonga, Gael “Beetlejuice” Monfils, Fernando “Speedy” Gonzalez, Marin Cilic, Hood, Ernest Gulbis and I guess I have to mention Andy “Mr. Brooklyn Decker” Roddick…well they are definitely lagging behind. So in the end, the real question for the men is not who is going to win the French Open, they are Who is going to beat Mr. Federer to get to the final and meet Divadal? and by how much is Divadal going to win by? I can sit here and spin a whole lot of mumble jumble but in the end, I do not see anyone beating Divadal. I do think more than likely Mr. Federer is going to get to the final and he is going to give Divadal more than a run for his money. However, I think Divadal own this place.

In parting, we have to acknowledge some very noticeable absentees. Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy is out with a serious wrist injury. He will not be back until October. Therefore, he will not be able to defend all the points he accumulated last year including a semifinals appearance here in Paris and also US Open champion. It’s a sad affair but this is what happens when you are literally trying to bludgeon the ball on very shot. Also absent, Mommy Dearest, she has a foot injury, which she has suffered signing up for Federation Cup. Hopefully she is back at Wimbledon. Nickolay “White Russian” Davydenko and James “Loser Lane” Blake are also out, not that Double L was going to factor here at all. However, Davydenko was also a contender behind Divadal and Mr. Federer. So his absence is definitely a significant one. So people, watch some tennis, particularly on the weekend on NBC or ESPN2.

Finally on the World Wide Web! Beware and Be afraid

In Sports Blog, Tennis on May 9, 2010 at 11:28 pm

So the Realz Fanz Tenis Newzletter is finally on the World Wide Web and that could only mean one thing, trouble, loads and loads of trouble. I am so happy to finally bring this prestigious publication to an online format. According to the many fanz, it has long been overdue. I thank you fanz for giving me the encouragement to finally do it. I will not give any shout outs at this time but you fanz know who you are. Thank you very very much. When I get to the big top, I will be taking you with me. Of course you would have to stand behind so as not to block my shots. I so hate accessories in photos. Don’t forget to spread the word around. But I digress, the blog is finally here. I do hope I can keep the previous format of the past issues and continue to uphold the standard that I set in the past years. So much has happened since we last spoke and I have to play catch up to keep you abreast of everything. The French Open is set to begin on May 24, 2010. I will have the all important preview for the second major of the year in the coming weeks. I will try to publish as many back issues as I can find. Hopefully this all work out fine. There may be many technical difficulties but I do ask that you bear with me. Don’t forget that comments are always welcome and suggestions would always be noted and considered. Thanks again for your support and enjoy. Remember to watch tennis and support the game.

I would ask you to check out the About page as well.