In French Open, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Venus Williams on May 24, 2010 at 6:33 am

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Bonjour les fanz…I am perhaps the last expert to give his picks, previews and comments on this upcoming French Open 2010. Many of the so called experts have already had their say. However, I assure you that we here are the final word on all matters relating to tennis. I do have to admit that for some unknown reason, I withheld writing this earlier. I am not sure. Perhaps procrastination but it just never felt like the right time to write this until now. Though by the time you read this, Day 2 of the French Open would have already started and you would have Day 1 issue to peruse as well. However, we here at RTFN is all about better late than never.

So the French Open is here and I have to say that beyond any that I can remember in recent history, this particular French Open is very momentous. It is jam packed and filled with many interesting twists, subplots and definitely much intrigue. I do not know much but I do know that his French Open is going to be hot for the game of tennis and it will leave many fanz salivating for more. And we here at RTFN will get to it all. Now, this would be the very first grand slam/major edition that will be up and running on our new home I do hope that everyone log on and post comments. Also tell your friends about the blog. I know some of you claim to have “limited” internet access but I am not going to accept that. I know for a fact that a computer with internet access is merely three to four steps away (depending on whether one has a bum knee or not). Therefore, I expect to see comments and traffic on the site or else your subscription would be irrevocable revoked. No more special delivery. Nonetheless, we would commence with the Le Prévu du French Open 2010.

Now when we last spoke, we were down under on the island-continent of Australia and Roger “Mr. Federer” Federer and Serena “The Serenanator” Williams were crowned Victor and Victress Ludorums and well deserved it was. However, things have greatly changed since that time. Therefore, it becomes necessary to set the scene for the preview of these championships. We begin with the ladies. Now between February and May there are basically 6 major tournaments; two hard court (Indian Wells, CA and Miami, FL) as well a clay court (Charleston, NC) tournaments in the US and three clay court tournaments (Stuttgart, Germany, Roma, Italy and Madrid, Spain) in Europe. Now these are very big tournaments, just below the majors for points and rankings. The big girls know to play these tournaments. Jelena “Fivehead” Jankovic took Indian Wells, beating Caroline Wozniacki of Denmark; Kim “Mommie Dearest” Clijsters took out…truth be told, she dismantled  Venus “Crackhead” Williams in Miami 6-2 6-1; Sam “Stove” Stosur took out Vera “Zeronava” Zvonareva in North Carolina. When they moved to Europe, Justine “No Justice” Henin (still haven’t come up with a nice name that is family friendly and fitting for this Belgian herb) beat “the Stove” and for the final two tournaments for two “surprises” Maria Jose Martinez-Sanchez (she’s from Spain) over Fivehead and Aravane Rezai over the Crackhead. (I would deal with that last result in a minute). These are all interesting results but they leave much to be desired in terms of telling the true measure for Roland Garros.

The women’s draw seems to be rather wide open as to who could be the winner, which is weird considering in previous years, a clear winner could have been picked weeks before the tournament even started. However, a popular saying here at RTFN is that “the game is won and lost on the field.” In the road leading up to Roland Garros, the Serenanator did not play a single match since winning the Australian Open until she got to Europe early this month as she was suffering with a knee injury. Last year’s defending champ Svetlana “Boynetsova” Kuznetsova has not muster much of a campaign in defense of her title as she has been lackluster as of late. “No Justice” Justine has not looked herself since coming back on the tour as she has been having some weird results. May be this is the reflection of a “clean” Justine. She lost in the first round of Madrid to Aravane Rezai 0-6 in the third. (Seriously??? Seriously!!!) Elena “The Demented One” Dementieva has been looking her usual self, demented with only two wins on clay this year. She made it to the finals at the French Open in 2004 and if there is any major she can win with that silly serve of hers is here on the red stuff.

Now you wouldn’t believe who are some of the top picks going into the French Open on the women’s draw are..Fivehead, Crackhead and Ms. Gold Lamé aka Aravane Rezai (picture explains it all) Fivehead has played some really good matches since Australia. Things have not been looking so bright for her since her lost in the 2008 US Open finals to the Serenantor. She has been going on a downward spiral though nowhere near the pace as her countrywoman Ana Ivanovic aka Mrs. Fernando Verdasco. She got to the finals of Rome and lost to the Spaniard Sanchez. It is no secret that I cannot stand her but I have to give credit where credit is due. She can definitely cause some trouble in Paris on and off the courts. It seems Ms. Fivehead thinks she is more than anatomically related to the Tyra Banks and under the mistaken impression that she too is a model. Having your picture taken does not make you a model. Do I have to go to congress and have them this a law in order for people understand this? Ms. Gold Lamé is also a contender, the pundits have predicted. Her victory over the Crackhead greatly increased her odds. It also helped that she beat No Justice Justine and Fivehead on her way to the title. The thing is that she getting a lot of noise because she is French born though you realize with the last name Rezai she is not really “French.” Her parents are Iranian. France is making a lot of noise because they have not had a French born champion since Yannick Noah 1983. They seem to want to over look Mary Pierce’s victory in 2000. Mary also won the Australian Open in 1995. I mean give Mary a break. So she is a Canadian-American-French woman. Mary’s mother a French woman married an American man I think and had a baby in Canada. Mary plays for France so she’s French. Sometimes, you have to take what you can get. Mary is just trying to make sure she can get the most for her healthcare dollars. She has complete coverage when combining the benefits of France, Canada and US. Anyway, Rezai is the new herald queen since Amelie “Loseresmo” Mauresmo has failed to bring home the title year after year. Amelie has since retired and now lives with her “trainer” a la Ricky Martin and Queen Latifah. Where can I find trainers who do these kinds of TOTAL BODY workouts? I digress. Anyways, the thing is that I do not think Rezai is much of a contender. Rezai has barely measure much on the Richter scale before Madrid and she is not even the number one Frenchwoman. That honor belongs to Marian “La petite grosse” Bartoli. So really and truly, Ms. Gold Lamé is just flash in the pan and underneath it all, like her dress, she is just plain ole tacky.

Yes that is black lace on gold lamé.Ms. Gold Lamé! Apparently her “friend” designed this outfit for her. All I am gonna say is; since you are too blind to see the truth of the matter, you can certainly take this “friend’s” clothing but I wouldn’t eat from her!

I was not kidding you not when I said that Crackhead is in the mix of things and we are not at Wimbledon. Now, we all know my standing with Ms. Venus Ebony Starr Williams at the close of last major. I buried her. She is “officially” dead to this organization and relegated to the repechage as she was constantly showing her crackish ways and leading me to a sure death watching her matches. However, the lady of nearly 30 has been showing some decent stuff. She defended her titles in Dubai and Mexico, beat Mommie Dearest at the non-tournament Billie Jean Cup collecting a cool $1.5 million for 4 sets of tennis. (And my mother told my sister not to play with balls and wood. Foolish woman!) The Crackhead also got to the finals of Miami, the quarters of Rome and the finals of Madrid. Did I mention that she is back at being number 2 in the world? Yes the Williams Sisters are 1-2 in the world and seeded as such at the tournament. This is great news for them because they can only meet in the finals of any tournament they play if they remain 1 and 2 rank. Anyway the Crackhead has a very good clay court record, she just does not have a great one at Roland Garros, a tournament she has played for 14 straight years. She has gone out in the 3rd round for three straight years. However, according to the stats, the Crackhead is a clay court player. I know. Unbelievable but true, numbers do not lie. She is ranked in the top amongst active players with most wins on clay; a tie for second on the list if I am not mistaken. She has one clay tournament win this year in Mexico and got to the quarters and finals in two other major clay court tournaments. I do not know how the fcuk she lost to Ms. Gold Lamé but Crackheads are prone to such antics, we all know.  The Crackhead should have at least made a match of it by taking it to a 3rd set as she was up 5-2 in the second set but she lost five straight games playing . I swear…Calmez-vous! Calmez-vous! I have already buried Venus and promised myself not to be emotionally invested in her matches anymore.

The Sisters are back on top. (In my humble opinion, I really think PETA should also be directing their efforts towards the unethical use of animal print!)

Anyway all this posturing does not mean a thing as the draw is loaded with 128 females all gunning for that prize. In the top half, Serenanator is on top and if she wants to win her second French title (her first being in 2002) she has to first survive a death pool. Last year, she came into the French Open having not played a single match on the red stuff. She made it to the quarters and was up a break in the third set before faltering against the eventual winner Boynetsova. The Serenanator promised to be back and this year, her preparation could not have been any better as per her standard. She made it to the semifinals of Rome and though she lost early in Madrid in singles, she took the doubles crown with her big sis. The Serenanator is hungry. She wants a second French title and she wants the elusive grandslam of tennis (winning all four majors in the calendar year). She is already there with an Australian Open title. People are forgetting to factor her in but if we know anything it is that the Serenanator loves being the underdog. The thing is that since 2007, the Serenanator has made it to the quarters or better in all the majors. She does not care for the other tournaments but it is at majors where she shows her full arsenal. However, she has No Justice Justine, the Stove, Maria “Shriekapova” Sharapova, La Petite Grosse and Isreali Shahar Peer all in just her quarter of the draw. On the other side there lurks Fivehead and last year’s finalist Dinara “Dinada” Safina to possibly face in the semis. Dinada has been out of sorts for a while now. I do think since the Crackhead obliterated her on the grass of Wimbledon last year, she has definitely lost her way. I did not help that everyone (except yours truly) was questioning her number one ranking and she has a bad back. Nonetheless, the Serenantor is going to be in the finals. She is out to seek and destroy.

Mr. Federer has come close three times (2004, 2006, 2007) and Serenanator once (2002), however, this year, they are really gunning for the elusive Grand Slam.

On the other side of the draw is the Crackhead. Her draw is not easy either but other experts say she could win. I say, let’s just wait until the Crackhead gets on the court, because her first round match is against, the Swiss Patty Schnyder a very tricky left-handed player. One knows never to trust a crackhead with even the oxygen in the air and I for one not going to trust this one with my hopes. You know in 2001, she came in ranked number one in the world and lost in the first round to Barbara Schett? Who the fcuk is Barbara Schett you may ask? Well she is just one of the many players on the list of women who has beaten Venus Williams at tennis when they bloody well have no business doing so. So yeah the Crackhead, I am going to hold off on any sort of prediction for her. BUT, if I were a gambling man as well as a glutton for punishment, I would say that this year, she really has a chance of winning the title. However, she has the Demented One, Dominika Cibulkova (last year’s quarterfinalist) Victoria Azarenka, Nadia “Fatrova” Petrova and lookie here, Ms. Gold Lamé herself in her quarters alone. There is also the possibility of the Crackhead having to face last year’s Champion Boynetsova, Carolina Wozniacki (last year’s US Open finalist) Italians Francesca Schiavone, Flavia “Penne Pasta” Pennetta and oh yeah, Na Li, the very same one who took her out 2008 Olympics and this year’s Australian Open. So the Crackhead is not in a good place right now. However, she from the hood and she know how to fight dirty. I personally think this half of the draw is more open than the top half. I do not think that Rezai is going to make much of a statement here and Wozniacki has played too much tennis for the year and comes to Paris injured. On the other hand, Boynetsova, the Demented One and several of the other players want to make a name for themselves here in Paris. We shall see, remember, the game is won and lost on the field.

As for the menz…Well there is really one name to be mentioned when it comes to the French Open, Rafael “Divadal” Nadal. Everyone else is supporting cast. Think of it like Destiny’s Child, the Supremes. Divadal is Beyonce and Diana Ross, and the others just singing back up. However, even that analogy does not seem I mean, I do not particularly like this comparison, as in both those cases, we all know the better singers were in the back up squads. The thing is that Divadal is virtually unbeatable on this stuff. Consider that last year, since losing in the 4th round to Robin “Hood” Soderling at Roland Garros, Divadal did not win a single tournament until this year. However, he won the last three he played, he kicked @$$ winning all three. Divadal is an earthbender. And if you don’t know who or what that is, watch the new movie Last Airbender. Divadal is Toph, the greatest earthbender there is.

The resemblance is undeniable and get this…Toph is a girl too.

Everyone else is really playing catch up including Mr. Federer. The Spanish Armada, aka other Spanish players, Fernando Verdasco, Nicolas Almagro, Tommy Robredo, Juan Carlos Ferrero, David Ferrer, Albert Montanes, Carlos Moya and Feliciano Lopez are all competent on the clay. They all know surface but despite all this, they are unable to beat their countryman. I think only Ferrero has once beat Divadal. The others, have all had suffered virtual beatdowns by the Spanish diva. Mr. Federer who has had a horrible clay court season, made it to the finals of Madrid and tried to make it honest for the Divadal but still came up short. As for the other men, Novak “D’Joker Harlequeen” Djokovic, Andy “Lochness Monster” Murray, Jo-Wilfred “Baby Ali” Tsonga, Gael “Beetlejuice” Monfils, Fernando “Speedy” Gonzalez, Marin Cilic, Hood, Ernest Gulbis and I guess I have to mention Andy “Mr. Brooklyn Decker” Roddick…well they are definitely lagging behind. So in the end, the real question for the men is not who is going to win the French Open, they are Who is going to beat Mr. Federer to get to the final and meet Divadal? and by how much is Divadal going to win by? I can sit here and spin a whole lot of mumble jumble but in the end, I do not see anyone beating Divadal. I do think more than likely Mr. Federer is going to get to the final and he is going to give Divadal more than a run for his money. However, I think Divadal own this place.

In parting, we have to acknowledge some very noticeable absentees. Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy is out with a serious wrist injury. He will not be back until October. Therefore, he will not be able to defend all the points he accumulated last year including a semifinals appearance here in Paris and also US Open champion. It’s a sad affair but this is what happens when you are literally trying to bludgeon the ball on very shot. Also absent, Mommy Dearest, she has a foot injury, which she has suffered signing up for Federation Cup. Hopefully she is back at Wimbledon. Nickolay “White Russian” Davydenko and James “Loser Lane” Blake are also out, not that Double L was going to factor here at all. However, Davydenko was also a contender behind Divadal and Mr. Federer. So his absence is definitely a significant one. So people, watch some tennis, particularly on the weekend on NBC or ESPN2.

  1. […] great fun bringing you tennis newz. This year’s French Open as we predicted in the prévu issue French Open 2010 Prévu that this year’s championships will be pivotal. As any great analyst, I have been proven right so […]

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