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As we speak, Day 3 of the French Open is under way and by the end of today’s play, all the first round singles matches on both the women’s and men’s draws would be completed. Yesterday was not so much an exciting day of tennis but it did mark the first day of full action on all the courts at Roland Garros. The marquee matchup of Lochness Monster vs Richard Gasquet of France did hold true to form. Anyway before we get to discussing tennis and other whatnots, as E’Ditor n Chefe, I have to do a little retraction/correction. In the last issue, I made an error whilst covering the Tsonga vs. Brands match. In my defense I was heavily distracted recalling the action on court not to mention thoughts of action elsewhere but for the sake of keeping our family-friendly rating, I will not speak of such matter. Anywho, I erroneously stated that Baby Ali and the German Lager played a 4 set match when in fact they played 5 sets. The German Lager played a very good match but as is often the case, there can only be one winner. I do apologize. The final score for that match was 4-6 6-3 6-2 6-7 7-5. I totally undermined the efforts of these two players. It was a Freudian slip as I most certainly wanted to get under….(Due to the Family Friendly Rating of this blog, the previous sentence cannot be completed. However, please feel free to use your imagination and put your minds in the gutter.)
Excuse me sir, can you show me how to place my hot dog in your buns? I would really appreciate it. Thanks 😉
Before I get to the tennis, I do have to clear up one other matter. Yesterday, I got feedback from a very very loyal reader about the French Open Prévu. Now, we all know I strongly encourage feedback especially now that there is an actual blog and comment section for you to make your opinion known. However, what I do not tolerate, is the questioning of my “journalist integrity” as well as the integrity of this illustrious publication. This very very loyal reader expressed disappointment of the lack pictures in that issue. So I am going to address this matter because I am aware that there are some readers who in fact are not reading the issue but merely looking at the pictures. Firstly, I know of no first graders who read this publication. Therefore, getting these issues just for the pictures is totally ridiculous. Therefore, like my great aunt “Tantie Stavie” told her husband when he bought the wrong juice, I am telling you, “You got to read brother! You got to read!” Nevertheless, a preview speaks of things to come and I can hardly show pictures of the 2010 French Open when the 2010 French Open has yet to start. DUH!! More importantly, for those who are merely taking a glance at my work despite my laboring over each and every issue, and complaining of there not being enough pictures, understand that this is a blog and not Flickr. By the very definition of the word blog (derived from web log or so they say) actual writing is paramount for it to remain true to itself. One can hardly expect to go to a play and demand to see musical numbers. This periodical is not a Photography Review or an art gallery. This is a tennis blog. I understand the comical value of the pictures and that it draws the masses. However, I would like to believe that comedy is found not only in the pictures (It should be noted that nearly all credit for the pictures come from Getty Images and the French Tennis Federation) but in my words. Therefore, if you want more pictures, go get a highly digitalized camera, pay for my expenses to actually go to these events and you would have all the pictures that you want. So until that time, JUST DEAL! Oh okay, I think my stop is coming up on the Hate-a-Rail, so I am going to get off on this hate express train.
Oh yeah I should also mention that I have added a Moniker Guide page on the blog. So in case you are a bit confused as to who is who or who is what, check out the page. Monikers
To the tennis…Women’s draw.
The Serenanator started her quest for her second French Open title. This major is the only major that she has not won at least 3 times having 3 US Open, 5 Australian Open and 3 Wimbledon titles. She states that her lone French trophy is awfully lonely without a companion. She started off very sluggish against her Swiss opponent but in the end resolve the matter with a 7-6 6-2 victory.
The Serenanator looking to put a Hurt Locker on the women’s field. Look at those missiles in front and the guns blazing at the side.
Caroline Wozniacki of Denmark, seeded third here at this championship has been a question mark before the tournament because of her retirement in the quarterfinals in Poland last week. She is of Polish descent so was disappointed with the early exit. However, yesterday, she showed a complete recovery when she took out one of the many Russians in the draw 6-0 6-3. Speaking of Russians, the Demented One aka Elena Dementieva looked very stellar in her 6-1 6-1 victory to move into the second round. The Demented One besides being a serious head case at times is often criticized for her weak service motion. She has improved it somewhat and one should know that the red clay definitely makes that serve less problematic as it would be elsewhere. In other ladies matches, the two Serbians also moved into the second round Fivehead Jankovic (who did not disappoint us with some horrendous fashion choice this year) and Ana Ivanovic (surprisingly she has no nickname as yet). Sam “D’Stove” Stosur of Australia (We have an Australian in the house) as well as Li Na are also in the second round.
You know sometimes I think I am a bit harsh on Fivehead. I mean after all, she is somebody’s child. However, just when I was about to re-consider, she shows up at the French Open looking like a big pack of Juicy Fruit. I mean come on now….Can you blame me…she’s an easy target.
American Melanie Oudin aka Abby Cabaddy lost yesterday. That girl got a big mouth and has no sense of courtesy. After her lost yesterday, she inferred that she lost because her opponent was old. I know the US has high hopes in this girl, she is the 3rd rank US player (somewhere in the low thirties I think…hold let me verify. Yes ranked 37 after Serena’s and Venus’s 1 and 2 ranking) but I really think their efforts are wasted. I know the US loves to have a “home-grown” champion. You know a Maria Shriekapova-esque type that can walk the Madison Avenue line. However, this Oudin Sesame Street character is not the one. First off she is too short and though she got to the quarters of the US Open after beating a string of mentally defective Russians, she is not that talented to win majors. I rattle off a long list of players who shown some flash of gold but on closer examination turned out to be the sun reflecting on glass…junk. Ever heard of Clarissa Fernandez of Argentina, Alexandra Stevenson of the US, how about Iva Majoli of Croatia? Well I doubt you have but Fernandez in 2002 made it to the French Open semi-finals only to lose to Venus Williams. Alexandra Stevenson, the daughter of basketball legend Julius Erving got the semifinals of Wimbledon in 1999 losing to Lindsay Davenport who went on to win her only Wimbledon title. Iva Majoli won the French Open in 1997 beating Martina Hingis in the finals, preventing what would have been a grand slam for the Swiss cocaine user. Now what do all these ladies have in common. They showed a spark but in the end their fuse was all wet and they never really got to explode. Ms. Oudin should be mindful of this as should the USTA.
Anyways to the men’s…
Mr. Federer began his title defense and I have to say that the way people are talking about Mr. Federer’s 2009 French Open title is beyond me. People are acting as though the man literally stole it from Divadal. They seem to think that there should be an asterisk next to his name and they continually and erroneously stated that Divadal was ailing and could not defend his title. However, I am here to set the record straight. The Spanish Diva LOST. Yes she lost. She did not retire from a match, she did not pull out of the tournament, she was not shot, stabbed, suffered a broken leg, arm or pinkie. NO. He played Robin “Hood” Soderling and LOST. This is extremely disrespect and disgusting coming from the many pundits on tv including those COMMENTHATERS on ESPN2 and now Tennis Channel. They are totally undermining the Swedish man’s accomplishment. Divadal was not limping around on the court and he played the entire match. He got beat. If he was not 100%, he should have stayed home. Interestingly enough, Divadal hardly made this excuse for himself. No one make excuses for other top players when they lose. They simply say, their opponent beat them fair and square. Now Mr. Federer did his job. He got to the finals. What was he suppose to do seeing that Divadal was not present? Lose and wait until they meet again in the finals. Divadal’s reign at the French Open though highly claimed as a foregone conclusion, is not law. He still has to play 7 guys each and every year in order to get to hold that trophy. Mr. Federer did just that last year and his name is on it. Mr. Federer has beaten Divadal on clay albeit Divadal is clearly the superior “earthbender.” I also dislike all this bullshit talk about when Mr. Federer has beaten Divadal on clay at Hamburg in 2007 and in Madrid in 2009, it was because Divadal was tired and the conditions suited Mr. Federer. Bullshit! Bullshit! Stop acting like Mr. Federer is some young upstart. Of the last 23 consecutive majors Mr. Federer has played, he has made it to the semifinals or better. The guy in second place, made it to 10 consecutive semifinals. So people RESPECT THE FED okay!
WTF people! Yes, I know the Diva is in the house this year as he was last year when I WON. And yes, I very much plan on defending my title. So how about a lil R-E-S-P-E-C-T…..
Anywayz, Mr. Federer won his first round match quite easily over his Australian opponent 6-4 6-1 6-2. Also winning yesterday was Gael ‘beetlejuice” Monfils, Mr. Federer’s countryman Stanislas Wawrinka, Marcos “Fadatis” Baghdatis, D’Joker Harlequeen, Ivan Ljubicic, Tomas Berdych, Nicolas Almagro and Speedy Gonzalez. The US should be proud of the fact that three men moved into the second round here at Roland Garros. Taylor Dent, John Isner aka Green Giant and Mardy Fish aka Mardy Whale all went through. This is a very fine accomplishment for the US men. One noticeable upset yesterday was the lost of Tommy Robredo.
Yesterday’s marquee match was that of Scotland’s Lochness Monster vs. France’s Richard Gasquet. Now Richard Gasquet and the Monster have played 3 times previous to this match with the Frenchmen leading the series 2-1. In their last matchup Wimbledon 2008, Gasquet was leading 2 sets to love and I think was up a break. It seemed the end of the Monster and that of the British hopes for having a men’s champion. However, being that he is French Gasquet ran out of gas or perhaps had too much because his game began to stink. He decided to do that silly trick of tanking the 4th set after losing the third so that you can have energy to win the 5th. However, this is a rather stupid tactic because at the end of 4th set, both players are even. The other player who was down is not likely to go away just because you want him to. Anyway, Gasquet lost the match. It was devastating for him.
Oh Crap!! I think I just sharted…..
Things went downhill for the Frenchman as in 2009, he tested positive for cocaine. We reported this matter here at RTFN. Gasquet said that he kissed girl who had cocaine on her lips hence his positive test. Seriously?? Seriously?? We here at RTFN do not buy this story. Even if you want to believe him, the fact that he knowingly kissed a girl who was snorting the white powder speaks of his own comfort with the drug. However, what really makes this story so incredible is the fact that there was that much cocaine laying around on her face for him to ingest and register in his system. What kind of coke-ho leaves that much coke lying around on their face? Was he kissing her in her nose? However, what I found most unbelievable about the story was that people believe that Gasquet was making out with a girl. Are you kidding me?? Seriously?? For that to be true, he had to be high and therefore, he was using. Anyhow he beat the charge. Anywayz, to the match, Gasquet again took the first two sets and had a break. But like the true Frenchman that he is, he could not win the war and unfortunately, since we are playing on clay, the Americans could not be of help. Gasquet again began to play fart and allowed the Scottish beast to live to see another day 4-6 6-7 6-4 6-2 6-1. Gasquet choked and perhaps the fatigue began to set in. I hope the French Federation see what they caused by not giving the guy a later start. It’s really a shame because though I doubt he would ever win a slam, the Frenchman is immensely talented. I daresay he is the most talented French male player out there. Unfortunately, he is not as physically and mentally imposing as his compatriots Baby Ali and Beetlejuice. Nevertheless, RTFN cannot resist the urge to re-name Monsieur Gasquet as of today, is officially called Lil Richard G@$$ké. Anyway, Lochness Monster is not a threat here and is sure to go out by the 4th round.
Lochness Monster: Oh those lips look so perfect for a French kiss.
In today’s matches, Divadal, No Justice Justine, La Petite Grosse, Tabasco Verdasco, Mr. Brooklyn Decker, Shriekapova, The Grinch are all set to play. No Justice Justine has already won her match, and Tabasco Verdasco is putting the finishing touches on his match. Mr. Brooklyn Decker is now battling it out in the 5th set. I am not surprised he had absolutely no preparation for this tournament.
RTFN Picture Show….
Hotties of the Day..
Ignore the manly body…look at that gorgeous girly face…(The Demented One!)
All I’m gonna say is he’s Brazilian….
Nottie of the Day
Yet another major and Beetlejuice still continues to scare us…
Ah…NO… DON’T TOUCH ME!!!
Mixed Photo Bag
Another installment of RTFN Locator: The long lost siblings of Sesame Street characters.
Today you re-unite Jelena “Fivehead” Jankovic with her brother “Big Bird” Notice the startling resemblance… the huge head….the massive wings and of course the matching feathers.
Like all divas, Divadal is a fashion trend-setter…
He first gave us the man Capri, then bedazzled pants in 2009, he was pretty in pink, now he gives us the plaid Capri with tight midrib shirt…..But you know, not all divas can be fashion icons
And the trend has spread like wild fire…
It’s caught on in America with the Bryan Brothers..Double Hot Mess Trouble.
Even the Bettlejuice trying to come off stylish as well
Did I get it? Did I get it?
Ru Paul's Drag Race at Roland Garros??
Oh what a mighty gush wind! A girl could be exposed out here.
Ru Paul’s Drag Race…May the best woman win…..I think she is “tucking”….even that grey bit looks like duct tape. If you don’t know what tucking means, you better ask someone.
Now the guy walking by with the racquet is today’s male Hottie of the day… How hot is he?? Look at the men (The man standing in the black suit, guy in the red cap the guy in the upper right corner in that hideous open shirt, guy below in black Lacoste t-shirt and the guy seated) When you can walk across a room/area/court and all the men are looking at you like these men and you not at the local gay club, YOU’RE THAT FCUKING HOT. YOU GOT IT GOING ON!!! You deserve to be hottie of the week. Now look at the two women (especially that lil escaped prisoner in black and white stripes).….they know they are beat.
See you tomorrow….
Realz Tenis Fanz 