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Archive for June, 2010|Monthly archive page

Venus Williams does it again….

In Sports Blog, Tennis, Tsvetana Pironkova, Venus Williams, Wimbledon on June 29, 2010 at 10:47 am

Venus Ebony Starr Williams never fails to disappoint her fans after giving them hope of better days. We here at RTFN have long discussed the enigma that is the current world’s number 2. Her enthusiasm for being bounced out of tournaments in shameful fashion can hardly be contained. IN an effort to see better results from her: We have placed her on probation. We have given her a very disparaging nickname “The Crackhead” We have even laid her to rest by having a funeral for her earlier this year. However, NONE of this seems to work. It is as if the more we place her on punishment, it is the more she does her level best to do worse than before. Now in her latest of shenanigans, she was bounced out of the Wimbledon in straight sets 2-6 3-6 by Tsvetana Pironkova ranked 85 in the world. Now granted that Pironkova beat the Crackhead in 2006, one would have expected a much tougher fight from the American. This brings her total losses for the year at 6 and in EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE LOSSES she was BLOWN OFF THE COURT. Losing to Ms. Gold Lamé, Fatrova, Li Na/Na Li and the the list goes on. And if I am not mistaken, she did not win a single set in any of those matches except her loss at the Australian Open. This is truly amazing, a player so experience and talented is being mistreated in this fashion. The last time the Crackhead lost in the quarterfinals of Wimbledon was in 1999 when she lost to Steffi Graf who eventually got to the finals losing to Lindsay Davenport aka Lady Lazy. IS SHE FCUKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHITE….LOSING TO PIRONKOVA AT WIMBLEDON….Pironkova could not even make it out of the qualifying rounds most years at Wimbledon and now she is in the semifinals having beaten 5-time Champion…BULLSHIT…. Anyway, since I have already buried the Crackhead earlier this year…There is but one thing left to do. I am not going to soil this illustrious editorial publication with any more filth. It is declared that from henceforth VENUS EBONY STARR WILLIAMS aka THE CRACKHEAD would be STRICKEN from all records and references…SHE WOULD NO LONGER BE REFERRED TO IN NAME, BODY OR SPIRIT. We are all tired of this garbage from her and we will put up with it no more. YOU ARE DEAD TO US. You are the UNMENTIONABLE.

Pack your shite and get the fcuk out of here

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Wimbledon 2010: Getting all Caught up Day 6 and Day 8

In Andy Murray, Grand Slam, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Kaia Kanepi, Li Na, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Venus Williams, Wimbledon on June 29, 2010 at 8:25 am

So I think as of today, we are going to be all caught up with our Wimbledon affairs. Of course, we would be cutting some corners but I do hope that the adage that I once heard from a priest “shortcuts break man’s neck” do not prove to be applicable in our case. I think so far, the only day we have not discussed is Saturday. I am mostly going to skip a full write up about Saturday because it is Monday’s action that is the meat of the matter for us. The second Mondays at Wimbledon is indeed jam-packed as all the remaining singles players are on court for their Round of 16 match with the winners going to the quarterfinals. By the time most of you read this today, the women’s quarterfinals would have already begun and as of today, women and men no longer play on the same day. Tomorrow promises to be a big day as well as it’s men’s quarterfinals. Nonetheless, in an effort of accuracy and integrity, I would mention that on Saturday, the Serenanator won, as did Shriekapova, Radwanska, Danish Biscuit, Telly Monster’s sister Kaia Kanepi, Na Li/Li Na won and Zakopalova taking out the 10th seed Penne Pasta Pennetta of Italy. Victoria Azarenka, 14th seed lost to Petra Kvitova who did not win a single match on grass before coming to Wimbledon. Azarenka was up 5-2 in the first set but lost 13 straight games to exit the tournament 5-7 0-6. She is such a head-case.

This German heifer must not know about me. Do you know who I am?? I am a D-I-V-A

On the men’s side, Divadal was pushed yet again to a 5th set by Philipp Petzschner of Germany. After the match, the Germany accused the Spanish Diva of gamesmanship as Divadal called the trainer out on court. I am not going to accuse Divadal of cheating per se but it was rather suspicious especially the second time he called the trainer out for his knee. If he had knee problems I am not sure exactly what the trainer did or could do especially since he did not re-tape the knee or anything but simply massage his thigh. Anyway, Divadal was also fined for coaching while on court as the umpire caught him communicating with Uncle Toni. After the match Divadal said (paraphrasing here), “I was not cheating when I called the trainer. Something was wrong with my knee and so I called him out to see about it (as his left eyebrow went up) and today, Uncle Toni was not coaching me. In the past, yes but not today and I am going to talk to the head referee about this.” Needless to say the ref was not having any part of Divadal’s cock and bull story and upheld the fine. In other wins, Lochness Monster, Robin Hood Smoldering, The Grinch, David Ferrer, Paul-Henri Mathieu of France as well as his countryman Baby Ali and Julien Benneteau all made it to the Round of 16.

Keep rubbing my thigh…just want to waste some time here…

So now that we are all caught up, Monday Mania begins…Since the women have to play their quarterfinals match today, they played first on all the courts. There was some drama/controversy in the Crackhead vs. Australia Jarmila Groth aka Ms. Hyde match. Groth was already on court and the Crackhead was nowhere to be found. The umpire was expressing “I don’t know where she is” to Groth for about ten minutes when finally the Crackhead showed up on court. The crowd booed her. Can you believe that? The fcuking crowd booed Venus Ebony Starr Williams, 5-time winner, 8-time finalist of Wimbledon. The Crackhead later stated that no one came to get her from the locker room where as Groth was in a different locker room. Their match was originally scheduled for Court 1 but yet again Wimbledon pushed them off and pushed the greatest grass court player of this generation to the graveyard court. Anyway, Groth came out strong and was very very competitive throughout the match. However, again, she was playing a far superior grass court player and even though the Crackhead looked disheveled in the match, she held her nerves and closed out the match in straight sets. If Wimbledon was looking for an upset by placing Williams on Court 2, it was not to be. However, it would be the other matches that caused the upsets.

Up next was the Danish Biscuit…I have long contended that this Dane plays WAY TOO MUCH TENNIS for a young lady. I swear every tournament there is, Wozniacki is signed up to play. She would soon burn out and worse, that potential that she has seeing as she got to the US Open finals, it would soon disappear and she would be a “has-been” by the end of next year. Nevertheless, her father continues to pack her schedule and as of late, the effects of this are showing. Petra Kvitova took out the Number 3 seed Wozniacki 6-2 6-0.  Kvitova would take on Kaia Kanepi, Telly’s sister who won her match in straight sets as well. La petite grosse lost to Pironkova would next take on the Crackhead. Now Tsetvana Pironkova is well remembered for taking out the Crackhead out of Australian Open 2006 first round but something tells me that there might not a similar upset today. Zvonareva came out blazing against Fivehead who retired from the match with back ailment. I think the problem is that in the last two majors, Fivehead has been choking. She realizes that that window of opportunity she had to win majors is gone and can no longer handle the pressure. Zvonareva would join Na Li/Li Na who moves into yet another major quarterfinals.

Sesame Street serving notice at Wimbledon…This one for my brother…

Let me hear Big Bird say shite now…motherfcuking Dodo Bird…

The two marquee matches yesterday was between Serena and Maria and Justine and Kim. Now, it is no secret that in both matches, the players cannot stand their opponents and I guess it’s this that made them all the more reason to watch. Justine and Kim have played 24 matches coming into this one and in the past especially at majors, Justine has been beating Kim @$$ although they were tied 12-12. However, for the year, Kim has been beating Justine and yesterday was no different. Cheating Mask came out strong and was hitting winners left and right but in the second set she looked rather unsettled and called for the trainer yet again to deal with her arm. Kim, wasting no time quickly reasserted herself in the match and took it 2-6 6-2 6-3.

Why does she even bother wearing a sports bra? To soak up excess sweat perhaps….Anyways, I think Justine is having “a moment” here…

The last time Maria met Serena at Wimbledon was in the 2004 Wimbledon finals. Maria was 17, new on the tour and became the it girl when she beat the defending champion in straight sets 6-1 6-4. Later that year, Maria beat her again at the year-end championships. However, coming into this match and all the hype, you would have sworn that it is Maria who leads the head-to-head with Serena 5-2 and not the other way around. You would have been mistaken in not remembering that in 2007 Australian Open finals, an out of shape Serenanator dismantled Maria in Melbourne like no other. Nonetheless, everyone figured Maria had a chance to beat the Serenanator. The Serenanator was not having that at all yesterday. Although, she was not playing as stellar as she was in her three previous matches, having never been broken, she played well within herself to send the shrieking Russian packing. 7-6 6-4. It was a good match and should be helpful for Serenanator as she faces Li Na/Na Li today who took her to two tiebreakers at the Australian Open this year.

The Serenanator was out to seek and destroy yesterday…

Breaking News…Jennifer Capriati has “accidentally overdose” and was rushed to the hospital in Florida….More on this story tomorrow…..there is just too much hate radiating out of me right now to give this story the right treatment it deserves…So I have to gather my wit…So look for an exclusive segment tomorrow.

Oh Jenny Jenny Jenny….you really went back to the block didn’t you??

So today the quarterfinals are as such…The Crackhead takes on Tsvetana Pironkova with the winner meeting either Mommie Dearest or Vera Zvonereva in the semifinal…..and the Serenanator taking on Na Li/Li Na with the winner playing the winner of Kaia Kanepi vs. Petra Kvitova.

For the men’s Round of 16, Mr. Federer was again in good form as he took out Jurgen Melzer in straight sets. The rust that he showed in the first two rounds is gone now and he is ready to lay claim to his 7th Wimbledon title. Divadal and Lochness Monster all had an easy time with their matches as they took out Paul-Henri Mathieu and The Grinch respectively. The Grinch had some nice looks at winning at least a set but his inexperience was so apparent it was at times painful to watch him get run around on the court. There is much potential for The Grinch but he really needs to start believing he can hang with the big boys if he intends to do damage on the tour. With James a non-factor and Mr. Brooklyn Decker nearing the twilight of his career, he is the next up and coming American. John Isner is nowhere near the consistency and style of play as the Grinch. Hopefully he gets there soon. Anyway, it was only the top three players who seem to have an easy time in their matches as everyone else had to battle it out.

The Monster roars….he is the only male player left in the draw who has not dropped a set…

D’Joker Harlequeen was up against Dingo Dog and though he took the first two sets, he sensed that the Australian was chomping at the bits. Dingo Dog is like an energizer bunny, he keeps going and going and going. Harlequeen knowing this bit about the Aussie pulled his infamous “I can’t breathe” bit on court, calling out the trainer. Now I know many athletes with asthmatic conditions and seeing that I suffer from a similar condition, I know if you can’t breathe, you cannot run. Not happening and it is amazing to see that D’Joker continually employs this tactic on court and he has not been reprimanded for his bullshite. It is ridiculous now at this point. However, Hewitt should have recognize this ploy and not allow himself to be suckered into losing focus. Of course, the “asthma patient” came out firing in the 4th set to win the match altogether. He would face Yen Hsun Lu who took out Mr. Brooklyn Decker in 5 sets 4-6 7-6 7-6 6-7 9-7. I would give you a much more comprehensive overview of this match tomorrow as well as a neat discussion on the fate that is Andy Roddick. There is not enough time right now to talk about this. However, I would say that I am not surprise that he lost because this is a recurring theme for the American who maintains his belief that a serve alone will take him back to the top.

Tsonga will meet Lochness Monster tomorrow as he took out his countryman Benneteau in 4 sets where as both Robin Hood Smoldering and Tomas Berdych needed 5 sets to win their matches. With Berdych’s win, the end of Daniel Brands nice run at Wimbledon is over. We would surely miss this hottie… So for tomorrow men’s quarterfinals, the match ups look like this: Mr. Federer plays Tomas Berdych; Divadal plays Robin Hood Smoldering (a match to watch), Lochness Monster takes on Baby Ali and D’Joker Harlequeen plays Yen Hsun Lu who I believe have beaten D’joker in the past.

RTFN Big Picture Show…
Hotties…Lending a helping hand…

Need some help “getting up” Baby Ali

Would you like some refreshments?? Something to suck on to keep you cool…

How about a shoulder to put your head??

NOTTIE

Cheating Mask believes if she sticks her pinkie finger out…she would be more like a lady. NOT

Oh my…having Five heads really can weigh you down…

MIX BAG

Shakira Shakira….your hips may not lie….But…

But this one is the Gospel Truth…BAMMMMM

Someone left paper out on the court again…

Why am I not surprise that the D’Joker Harlequeen has pink straps underneath his shirt….

Hmmm…I think someone is in need of a lil push up bra…

WTF…Are we in London or on some tourist trap??

Now if we can only find the spray to kill the weeds growing in their brains…

I think the mental asylum had an outing yesterday…

Yeah…definitely had an outing yesterday…

Sweetie…bows and ribbons make little girls pretty not frumpy ole women. Okay? Do us all a favor and that it out now…better yet wrap it around your neck and hang yourself for fashion attempted murder.

I’m gonna need this to play the Williams’s sisters in doubles tomorrow. Let me see those itches pass me now…

Giving it up like a common ho…

But monsters never go for the classy types. I think Nessie likes…he really really like

How many viagras did you take?? Fcuk…it’s not coming down…

Someone call the police...I think they about to run a chain/train on her

Wimbledon 2010: Day 5

In Andy Murray, Grand Slam, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, John Isner, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Queen, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Venus Williams on June 26, 2010 at 12:28 am

Again I do apologize for my tardiness. It really cannot be helped with this hot humid weather. I am really trying to produce these as fast as possible but it seems I have ADD or something of the sort. I would be trying diligently to get you all up to speed with Wimbledon. There was not much going on in terms of extra stuff at Wimbledon. Everyone was still buzzing around the marathon Isner-Mahut match and they of course the American commenthaters spared no chance to talk about the match. They asked all the players about the match and every match highlight was punctuated by some reference to the match. WE GOT IT. Anyway, it should be no surprise that Isner lost the next match in straight sets. Now I really have to say that the Wimbledon Committee is some really grimy folks. They had Isner play one of the first matches on Friday. Isner may have won the battle against Mahut but he lost the war of Wimbledon. He went out as meek as a lamb to the Dutch Thiemo DeBakker. He did not get a single ace and he was pushed around like a small kid on the playground. I did not expect much from him. I really hope he didn’t do irreversible damage to his body. However, the fame from this match will help popularize tennis for Americans especially get some new men on tour.

A listless John Isner

Anyway to the ladies…
Now you know how I feel about the Russians. They never ever fail to disappoint and implode on court. I swear, they can hardly produce stellar results despite being a country filled with tennis gold. There are so many talented Russians but they ALWAYS CHOKE on court. We have long discussed the Russians here on RTFN and no need to digress and discuss them some more. Nevertheless, Nadia Fatrova came on court to play Justine Cheating Mask Henin and got blown away. She just wasted people’s time showing up for the match. It was almost a massacre and only for the fact that God doesn’t like ugly why Fatrova even won 5 games for the match going down 6-1 6-4. So Cheating Mask was in the Round of 16 to face her countrywoman and rival Mommie Dearest. They have met 24 times throughout their careers and they are even 12-12. Interesting though, Kim can hardly get the better of Justine at majors where she too has been picked a apart on court. Kim took out Maria Kirilenko who has shown herself to a dangerous floater in the ladies draw.

Klondyke Bar..Kleybanova…..but she is really looking more like Gloria the Hippo..Let’s see…

So the DNA test results are in…are you ready

You are all sisters.. triplets in fact. And you ladies after Wimbledon would be flying off to Madagascar to meet your sister Gloria the Hippo…Gloria is one Happy Hog today…

The Crackhead showed some steely resolve on court when she faced Alicia Kleybanova. You remember Kleybanova, the girl who hangs out at Klondyke Bar. Anyway, Klondyke Bar was firing out of the blocks. She may be extra thick but she got muscles under all that blubber and she was going toe to toe with the Crackhead. However, you the Crackhead on grass, she doesn’t play around. Klondyke Bar broke the Crackhead but the Crackhead bust her upside her head right away and took the set 6-4. In the second set, Klondyke did everything she could to throw the Crackhead off her game. However, the Crackhead was on and popping and took the set 6-2. Let’s not be mistaken, Klondyke Bar played very well but she was up against someone with prodigious grass court prowess so she was cancelled even before she got activated. In other wins, Fivehead looked to be on form and moved into the Round of 16 as did Vera Zvonereva, Jarmila Groth formerly of Eastern Europe (She married an Aussie and since they don’t have many top female players ….long gone the days of Margaret Court and Evonne Goolagong, Australia made her its own and she has been playing for them). Gloria the Hippo made it through as did Tsetvana Pironkova. Some very interesting people are in the Round of 16 but women’s tennis is becoming very competitive as of late. Should be a really exciting Monday as all the remaining singles players are set to play in the Round of 16.

Don’t mess with the Crackhead…she fights dirty…

Someone hold my earrings…someone hold my motherfcuking earrings and bring my vaseline..I’m about to school a itch up in here…(The outfit looks a lot better with this jacket on..)

On the men side, Hewitt had an easy time with Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice. One figured that Monfils would stop showing this hot and cold attitude and make himself into a legitimate contender at majors a la Jo-Willie Tsonga aka Baby Ali. However, Beetlejuice seems contend to play mediocre tennis and struggle throughout matches. He did not even worry the Aussie as he lost in straight sets. Mr. Federer looking to erase all shadows of doubt that he is vulnerable at Wimbledon made mincemeat of Arnaud Clement of France. Clement made it to the finals of Australian Open in the early part of this decade and I am sure had a nice run elsewhere at a major though I cannot remember where but I digress. As Mr. Federer’s return game has been coming under much scrutiny thus far in the tournament, he quelled all arguments on the matter as he broke the Frenchman at the beginning of every set and kept his nose in front throughout the match. It’s a shame that the Frenchman had to be the whipping boy for Mr. Federer but Mr. Federer needed to get him shite together and he seems ready now in my humble opinion to defend his title.

Back in Business is Mr. Federer

Making light work of the Frenchman…

D’Joker Harlequeen wore his tracksuit appropriately today and took out Spain’s Alberto Montanes.  Might I say that Spanish players aka that is players who are actually born or represent Spain not Puerto Ricans/Dominicans/Hispanics/Latinos as they are commonly referred to as here in the US,…are really finding their game on other surfaces other than clay. They are getting to be serious contenders everywhere and it is almost a sure bet that you have to beat one of them if you wish to win any sort of title these days. Anyways, Montanes not winning Wimbledon as Harlequeen clubbed him over the head with his wannabe sceptre. Mr. Brooklyn Decker avenged his lost against Phillip Kohlschreiber of Germany. He is popular here in England and really should have a Wimbledon title as he is by far a great grass court player. Thomas Berdych also won as did Hottie Daniel Brands, Julian Bennateau, Paul-Henri Mathieu and Yen-Hsun Lu from Chinese Taipei are all through to the Round of 16. France is having a better go around in London than it did in Paris as their men are playing stellar tennis on the grass than they did on the clay.  Anyway by the end of tomorrow’s play, the Round of 16 would be set and things would be cooking at Wimbledon as we would be separating the sheep from the goats…or the wheat from the shafts….for only the Strong survives at Wimbledon. I almost forgot to mention Daniel Brands won his match in the 5th set when Victor Hanescu aka Iron Man retired claiming injury to his leg. He spat at some hecklers and walked off the court. Many have said that he was under the pressure from the German who was relentless in his pursuit but some hecklers were arrested after the match. Hanescu was fined $15k. Though the hecklers or hooligans were out of control, Hanescu retired because he know hottie Brands was going to kick his @$ poor showmanship but a nice showing at the tournament for the German.

RTFN BIG PICTURE SHOW…

Brooklyn Decker is considered to be a HOTTIE by many so I would appeal to popular demand. However, she is not looking like no SI swimsuit model in her grandma’s old sweater if you ask me.

Kim, you cannot go around looking like a NOTTIE when you have a child. You are someone’s mother and likely to embarrass the poor child with your head looking like a bird’s nest. Get some hot oil treatment gurl..As a matter of fact call Serena. She got a beautician license…she can hook you up.

On second thought Kim…go to a professional…some things you just have to pay full price for…

You know what? Ask Roger to set up an appointment for you. He would know the girl to set you straight.

Abs or Flabs???

Taking a Nap wherever you can…

I told you not to have that 5th drink...

Gonna just lay down right here…

Bring that umbrella just a little bit more over this way…

Taking flight…

Up Up Up and AWAY...

Gender Benders…

I think it is a boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy??

Hmmm..I am not sure what this is….let me see…

Is it Mr. Hyde from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen….

Birds of a feather…

Flock together…

and here we have some Dodo birds

Are those fcuking itches really wearing that around here… Really?? Can someone please take these birds off the endangered species list so that we can put them back into extinction?

Kiss…Kiss…Kiss… Kiss… Kiss… on the LIPS…. YEAHHHHH

Now everyone wants to come on court with a handbag even if it is empty… I swear the ATP is filled with queens but I am not going to lie…it’s a hot bag…and I would be wanting one in blue…white gets too messy.

RTFN doing what it can to reunite families…

The test results are in and Dog the Bounty Hunter, you are the father of Lleyton “Dingo Dog”

You say what?? WTF I have never even been to Australia….my passport has been be confiscated…

You may see a trophy but I see fcuking awesome bong…Now who got the Mary Jane??

Wimbledon 2010: Day 4

In Andy Murray, Grand Slam, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, John Isner, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Nicolas Mahut, Novak Djokovic, Queen, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Venus Williams, Wimbledon on June 25, 2010 at 11:17 pm

Hey fanz…I know. I know. I am always coming out with late editions. What can I say? I procrastinate a lot. It cannot be help especially when this is not a paying gig but oh how I pray one day it would be and I can be coming live and direct from the grass of Wimbledon. Anyhow, since most of you all don’t get on the website to increase traffic then you would have to deal with a tardy editor. Anyway, if we are to get all caught up, then we have to deal with Thursday’s affair. Last time we spoke, the Queen was at Wimbledon after a 33-year absence. I certainly did not miss her. Apparently, had Tim Henman, a true Englishman and last British player besides Lochness Monster to smell a chance at the title, ever got to the final, in particular in 2001, the Queen was free for that day to show up and support their local lad. As if she not free every frigging day of the year. I wish not to continue my little tirade about monarchy and I need not reiterate my feelings about their status but I just want to say one more thing…especially since this is my forum and I can do whatever I want to. The thing I dislike most about monarchies is that they enforce this notion that some people are better than others and they should be respected for no other reason than they are who they are. Monarchies in this day and age have no real power, (in Europe at least, you would not catch me saying this sort of shit in Bhutan) and in essence do nothing at all deserving of respect, adoration or even consideration. Yet, the Queen of England shows up at Wimbledon and the whole world is in a fuss. One has to curtsey and respect certain formalities for what? And Why? Really what has this woman done ever in her life to deserve anyone’s respect or adoration? Delivered three reckless children including two sons who ruined the women they married and then settled for the downgrades. Please the whole thing is bullshit…they should dissolve the monarch and spread wealth back to the countries around the world that built it up in the first place beginning with sending the crown jewels back to Africa and India.

Anyway to the tennis: Women’s coverage..
I am still smarting over the fact that the Wimbledon Committee placed Serena Williams, current number on Court No 2. They said they wanted to give other players a chance to play on Centre Court and also because Wozniacki being from Denmark, also has monarchy in her court but still, it was an insult. Roger Federer when not playing on Centre Court is on Court 1. How and why the fcuk is Serenanator on Court No 2 is beyond me and some right bullshite. However, I already got on one hate-train for this edition and do not want to get another train line. Serena did get to meet the Queen and because of play did not get to dine with her. And in all ironies, the Queen only stayed for Murray’s match which was up first on the court. She left afterwards…who knows what was more pressing especially since she never really had a job to begin with to retire. Anyway, despite all this drama, Serenanator may have been a bit snubbed by the on court diss by Wimbledon and put on a serving clinic on Court No 2, historically called the “graveyard court” as many of major upsets have taken place there including Pete Sampras’s last grass court match in 2002 and the 2004 and 2006 losses of Venus Williams. Anyway, there was no upset on Thursday and the only thing that needed burial was the carcass of Anna Chakvetadze as Serenanator beat her to a pulp 6-0 6-1. It was a royal beatdown. Chakvetadze was once a promising player but I do not know what went wrong as now she is crying all the time on court. Her “dismantlement” was so swift that I do not even think the Serenanator give her time to cry. I am sure there was a flood in the locker room when she went back in.

The Queen meeting tennis royalty

I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry!

The waterworks about to begin…

In other wins in the ladies 2nd round, Shriekapova, Wozniacki, the Danish biscuit, Ararenka, Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta of Italy, Na Li and Radwanka. Do you know Agnieszka Radwanska is the currently ranked 9th in the world and seeded 7th at Wimbledon and I bet no one really know who she is. She’s is from Poland and has a sister who also plays on the tour. I should also mention that Telly Monster’s sister, Kaia Kanepi of Finland she also won her match. She was the one who took out D’Stove…Glad to see she followed that upset with a win. Usually players who beat a major player, lose in the next round but Kaia Monster is definitely representing the folks on the Sesame Street Block. Anyway enough about her….in upsets, Daniella Hantuchova lost as did Svetlana Boynetsova. Boynetsova seeded 19th at this tournament is already plummeting in the ranking as she was unable to defend her French Open title. This early bounce at Wimbledon is going continue their decline. Poor Daniella…we have such hope for her and the thing is she lost to a nobody…and so did Boynetsova…ah well.. Jie Zheng also lost her match. We do like seeing her around but we would catch her on the flip side.

Anyways in the Menz action. Lochness Monster took out the Finn Jarrko Nieminen in straight sets. I expected a much tougher match from the Finn but I guess the moment got to him. Divadal decided to skip meeting the Queen saying that he preferred to focus on his tennis. However, we all know that Divadal being the queen that he is, was not about to outshined by another even if she has a real title. Anyways, Divadal was in the fight of his life being taken to 5 sets. He lost the first set 5-7 and it looked like things to be going back his way as he took the second 6-2. However, he lost the third set 3-6. Now what happened next is one of the dumbest moves I know to exist in men’s tennis, playing a five-set match, and being up 2-1 one, you tank the 4th set in order to preserve energy for the 5th. That’s nonetheless because in the 5th set, you are all 2-2 in set. As the player who was down 2 sets to 1, why would I lose my way and let you walk all over me in the 5th set? The thing is when you are up 2 sets to 1 in a 5 set match especially against a top player, YOU NEED TO GO IN FOR THE KILL! Stupid boy lost the 4th set 0-6 and then you know Rafa, does not play when you give him an inch, he won 6-3 in the fifth. Rafa Nadal is through to the 3rd with a similar scare as Mr. Federer. Like I have been saying for some time, the two top men have been showing some nerves as of late and everyone else at the bottom is hungry to take them out. There is absolutely no such thing as free games in the men’s game anymore. If you want to win a match, you have to go out there and win it.

Joining Divadal in the 3rd round was American Sam “The Grinch” Querry, baby Ali, Xavier Malisse of Belgium who is also playing mixed doubles with his country woman Mommie Dearest. Also getting through was Fognini who you remembered took out Beetlejuice at the French, well he took out American Mike Russell. David Ferrer also won as did Thomas Bellucci of Brazil. John Isner still had to finally finish his match against Nicholas Mahut taking the match 70-68 in the 5th set. All sorts of records were broken and it was a remarkable match. I do not think any other players would put themselves through that much torture for a 1st round match perhaps in the finalz. Anyway, what I did not get is that fact that despite all of that play time, Isner allowed himself to be running around giving interviews all over the place. Seriously?? Boy go get treated and some rest and stop flapping your lips. It was crazy considering he had to play first up the next day for his second round match on Friday.

That is one angry lil Frenchman in the middle…dare anyone to shout “Freedom fries” in his face. It would be the Battle of Normandy on your @$$

Isner’s feet or what use to be his feet after the marathon match…ROADKILL

RTFN Big Picture Show
Hotties

Money can’t buy you class but it sure can bring you this. Ms. Lochness Monster, Kim Sears. Now rumor had it that she dumped the Scottish beast cause he was playing with his video games and his ‘lil joystick’ Now she is back in the picture. Sweetie if he picked the plastic box over you in the first round, your chances in round 2 is zero to none. However, you trying to ride that Murray Train cause he is really contending in majors now. So we salute you for being a HOTTIE but with Gold-Digger Status….We not going to hate on your game gurl…but we would call you out on it.

I think someone threw up their salad on her dress…

Ordinarily you know I am hating on the Crackhead but she sure does clean up nicely, looking Unbeweaveable and rocking it out for the Queen.

Nottie

I could see what kept you away for 33 years. You come in an aquamarine house coat, cardboard looking hat and faux leather/plastic black handbag? OFF WITH HER HEAD for fashion high treason.

MIXED BAG..

Is she a tennis player or trying to become female Usain Bolt??

Or perhaps a ballerina a la Natalia Makarova.

Andy did you steal that nice man who served us lunch jacket?? WTF Andy…your wife is a supermodel.. and this is your best effort??

Mr. Federer showing you how it is done. Are my eyes deceiving me?? Andy is bad enough with a dinner jacket but is D’Joker Harelqueen showing up to meet the Queen in a tracksuit?? And a bloody white one to make matters worse with white sneakers. WTF He is Serbian not Italian from Staten Island. You can really tell the real queens from the fake ones because some people are just like school in August….NO CLASS!

The Queen to the Danish Biscuit: Young Lady you did not have to go through all this trouble trying to look like Genevieve. We are not in King Arthur’s Court so you should really fix your hair. It’s rather dreadful. Fivehead: I was trying to tell her that but that shirt she stole from her daddy was killing me as are those white pants and the black belt too. I couldn't anymore.

How the Queen prepares to pick her nose… She is a lady in public…so first you act like you’re going to scratch your lip…Is she some sort of Witch of Oz with pink spectacles??

Does anyone have a pencil I can borrow so I can write on this paper chest “DON’T LEAVE PAPER LYING AROUND ON COURT!”

I’m gonna sell all this shite on EBay…especially considering the bullshit salary you all have been giving me… You know what happens to a man sitting in the same spot for three days straight?? Let’s sure say I am going to take the proceeds and by stocks in the Preparation H company.

Get out of the way you ole Itch…

You're getting in my fcuking way...

And don’t you ever call Foot Fault on me again!… or I would make you a weed in this grass…you heard…

High flying Adore…

Houston we have lift off

Give it to me good… give it to me good..

Harder…Harder… Harder…Harder…

ONLY IN ENGLAND..

Can the court jester run wild….

And they vacuum the grass……Hmmmm

Wimbledon 2010: Day 3

In Andy Murray, Grand Slam, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, John Isner, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Nicolas Mahut, Novak Djokovic, Queen, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis on June 24, 2010 at 8:53 am

Wimbledon is in its 4th day today and it’s all the buzz because Queen Elizabeth II is set to be around the grounds after a 33-year absent. She will meet top players, Mr. Federer, Serenanator, watch Lochness Monster, Divadal, listen about the state of British Junior Tennis, etc etc stroll around the grounds and do what she does best, stay silent and have people make a fuss of themselves around her. Now, you may not know this about me but I really dislike the notion of the British Monarchy. Historically, they have cause a lot of destruction and troubles in its Empire and quite frankly at this point, I really see it as a useless institution. Did you know that the Queen is technically the head of state for every single country in the Commonwealth including Canada, Australia, much of the Caribbean and a significant portion of Africa and she can in essence veto any decision that they make? I feel the Royal family is very much out of touch with reality and taking up space, money and time. Don’t get me started on how narcissistic I think the Queen is having her face plastered over much of the world’s currency. She does nothing at all but has a say in matter. I really find the entire thing ridiculous. The age of divine sovereignty is over and the royal family should be dissolved and put to work. I am not going to get myself all worked up over this tired old Queen because I deal with queens all the time and I tell you, I have no amount of patience for them and their antics and this one and her ridiculous handbags and ugly hat. Like WTF with the handbags…not like she is going to stop off at Harrods to buy herself some makeup or another fugly hat??

And of course, Wimbledon did not disappoint with their bullshit. Serena Williams will be relegated to Courrtt 2 so that Carolina Wozniacki can play on Centre Court. Are you fcuking kidding me?? The reason being Murray, Divadal and Wozniacki all are from countries with monarchy. That’s some bullshit. NYC alone has more queens than we can deal with. I mean there is an entire borough for Queens. WhoTF is Wozniacki to be trumping our American royalty? Serena has dominated Centre Court and you going to put her on Court 2 because some of ole bag of wind and tiger balm. This is not even right. Players get to have lunch with the Queen but who the hell wants her ole tea bags, wrinkled prunes, dried up apples and sour milk?? Don’t worry I am getting off the Hater Express next stop.

Oh yeah…you all are here to see me. Why? We No Hail No Queen

Anyway let’s get to the tennis..

I wish I could tell you I know what the fcuk Mr. Federer is doing on court but I really cannot say. In his last two matches, Mr. Federer is looking like he is ranked 35 in the world. In his first match, he was one game away from losing the match and I swear he was as calm as they come. He said in the press conference that he was lucky to have survived that match. Now he had played Falla several times before and beaten him handily. However, yesterday, he was playing a Serbian qualifier ranked I think 115 in the world. Yet Mr. Federer out there playing shit losing the 2 set in a tie-breaker. He was pushed to 4 sets winning the final one in another tie-breaker. I think he trying some different tactics and perhaps he felt that he lost the French because he was not tested in his first 4 matches but seriously Mr. Federer, you are Roger Fcuking Federer. You don’t be playing bloody cat and mouse games with the underlings. The odd thing is that he is just smiling on the court and looking like a spring daisy with the least sign of worry on his face. Meanwhile I am over here a nervous wreck. I cannot deal well with this sort of stress level. I had to bury the Crackhead because he was giving me ulcers only to have Mr. Federer fcuking with my stomach again. I will not have it. Hopefully he has figured out whatever it is he is trying to do. Perhaps he is living on the edge because there is very little else he needs to do in tennis to prove himself as being the greatest. Other than the calendar grand slam, there is nothing else and getting to number one again, which I am sure he would be able to do by the end of the year, Divadal or no Divadal.

Good job my @$

As Mr. Federer was playing, American John Isner and France’s Nicolas Mahut had already begun the fifth set of their match. They ended play on Tuesday at the end of the 4th set because of bad light. When Mr. Federer started play it was about 11-11 in their match. And they played on…Remember that it is only at the US Open where there is a tie-break in the final set. Apparently, it came about because the US could not stand to be delayed because of late tennis coverage. Isner has never won a match at Wimbledon and Mahut, well he is determined to get his win. Because Mahut served second in the 5th set, he is at a disadvantage because at 4-5, he has to serve to stay in the match all the time. Isner has a bomb of a serve and was aceing like no tomorrow.

The two men coming out from a bathroom break.

Mr. Brooklyn Decker took on Michael Llodra of France. Llodra has a coach in Amelie Mauresmo, Wimbledon champion in 2006. Now, it is unusual for a woman to coach a male player but I mean French players are not known to be great grass court players. Llodra won Eastbourne last Saturday, a grass court tournament. So, all in all I would say that the choice was a good one. However, imagine my surprise when I heard that Llodra hired Mauresmo to help “calm” things down, deal with the mental part of the game. I almost choked on my oatmeal. Are you kidding me? French people are crazy but this was beyond crazy, it was diabolical. Mauresmo is one of the greatest talent the women’s game has ever seen. She can do everything and then some on the court. However, Amelia Mauresmo is one of the greatest chokers ever. You give her a lead and she would be fall all over herself before the end of the match. She only has two majors when she should have at least a career grand slam. In 2003 in the quarterfinals at the French Open, the Serenanator who is no clay court player put a literal beat down on the Frenchwoman that she has never been the same at that tournament. Incidentally, the French cannot stand Serenanator since then. Since she got those two majors under her belt in 2006, Mauresmo has done NOTHING at all on court and finally retired in 2009. Now, they are asking this bag of nuts to help another bag of nuts. They must be all squirrels and true to form, Llodra showed what he learnt from Mauresmo. He took the first set 6-4. He was kicking Andy’s @$$. There was absolutely nothing Mr. Decker was doing that was hurting the Frenchman. He kept it up for nearly two sets but in true Mauresmo fashion, he unraveled and lost the match.

Johnny “Drama” Chase from Entourage in the off season playing tennis?? WTF

In other wins yesterday, D’Joker Harlequeen came out in better form than in his first round match. He knocked out American Taylor Dent. Hewitt also won when his opponent retired. It did not matter because Hewitt brewing with confidence with his title win over Mr. Federer, was well on his way to victory. Feliciano Lopez, Jurgen Melzer, Arnaud Clement, Beetlejuice, all won yesterday as did Thomas Berdych and Florian Mayer who beat American Mardy Fish. Meanwhile Nicolas Mahut and John Isner are still playing. In upsets yesterday, Daniel “German Lager” Brands beat Nicolay Davydenko “White Russian” in straight sets. Davydenko coming fresh off injury is not in the best of shape but nice to see the hot German making a legitimate name for himself.

We still have to play……….NOOOOOOOOOO

On the women’s side.
The Belgians again came out in stellar form though Mask Justine was having all sorts of serving troubles especially when she was serving for the match, where she got broken 2 times. Mask Justine speaks of wanting to win Wimbledon but not with that serve. Mommie Dearest too got broken when she served for the match but did it 6-3 6-2. The Crackhead again struggled to close out her match after being up 6-0 5-2, yet got broken and finally won on the return game winning 6-0 6-4. Fivehead Jankovic aka Big Bird’s lil sis struggled mightily yesterday but was able to send Cookie Monster’s lil sister back to Sesame Street. I was so praying for an upset but it was denied one more day. Daniella finished out here match with a win over American Vania King, Zvonereva won as did Wickmayer of Belgium and Maria Kirilenko. Americans Melanie “Dot” Oudin and Shenay Perry both lost yesterday. Shahar Peer lost yesterday to a qualifier; very disappointing as I felt she was on her way to being in the top ten. All the ladies matches were completed and still Isner and Mahut are still playing. They were are tied 59-59 in the fifth set. The scoreboard broke at 47-47. It is a record by all standards. They have played over 7 hours alone in the 5th set 10 hours for the entire match. Isner has 98 aces and Mahut has served to stay in the match 55 times saving 4 match points. THAT IS THE CRAZY STAT. SO many players choke while serving for the match and he did it 55 times.

Why won't this end???

Anyway, in today’s match Lochness Monster is set to play Jarkko Neiminen of Finland. You would remember that he pushed Mr. Decker to 5 sets at the French. So don’t be surprised if there is an upset. Murray is likely to choke because the Finn has absolutely nothing to lose and all the pressure is on Murray to win here especially in front of the Queen. You know how much of a heady player he is. Divadal is also set to play as well as Shriekapova and the Serenanator. I hope you all are having a cool day.

RTFN Big Picture Show..
Hotties: BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN.

German Lager

Angelique Kerber of Germany

Karolina Sprem of Croatia…..I am going to leave that last name alone 

Daniella giving the stare down to the Saw clown.

Oh gawd…….we still playing on….

Again today there is no Notties….WOW only beautiful people at Wimbledon?? No tomorrow we have to be on the hunt. Also not much for our mixed bag. Hmmm I have to send my photographers out for some work.

I’m just going to take a nap right now…I don’t want to play anymore….

STOPPPP

You all know I am a hating and I have been hating on Mardy the Whale, well, I think Mardy the Whale is now Mardy the Eel

I don’t believe this at all……..this has to be CGI a la 300…no way…I have some work to do before I hit the beach this summer.

Mofos…STOP Playing I need to pee…

Ooooo…This is what the weather is like down here……..It’s raining where my head is.

Wimbledon 2010: Day 2

In Grand Slam, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Li Na, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Venus Williams, Wimbledon on June 24, 2010 at 12:13 am

Well Day 2 is over and not much went on as the usual suspects went through. I am sorry for not being good about the posting this past week or so but we should be back on track as of today. Not much to rant and rave about except that I don’t understand how English people work. London is famous for its rain and when rain comes, play is interrupted at Wimbledon. Even the slightest of sprinkles delays play as they are playing on grass. Grass becomes very slippery when wet and cause serious injury to players. Anyway, I have noticed that the Wimbledon committee has not done more to get more match play in per day. The French Open committee started several years ago to begin play on the first Sunday and matches start at 11:00 a.m as they do in Australian and the US Open too. But England, they start play at 12:00 p.m. and even 1:00 p.m. on the main show courts. What’s even worse, Wimbledon does not have any matches on the first Sunday aka Middle Sunday of the tournament. I mean I am not a genius or anything like that but I am just saying, since every year you always have interruptions and delays, why not get more play in the day. Yesterday, about 6-8 matches were cancelled and two had to be interrupted because of poor lighting.  Tennis players would not be complaining about playing at 11:00 a.m. especially if they are ensured of not having to play matches in quick succession considering a fair amount of players play singles and doubles at the tournament.

Anyway to the tennis..
Women
The Serenanator was impressive in her opening round match taking out her opponent 6-0 6-4. She did not lose a single point when getting the first serve in and had 15 aces. She was kicking @$$ and she was not the only top player as Maria Shriekapova took out her opponent 6-1 6-0. Maria is a former champion here but in the last two years has gone out in the 2nd round. I am sure she would be trying to save face because many believe that she can be a contender here. Victoria Azarenka also won her match as did Danish biscuit Carolina Wozniacki who routed Frenchwoman Garbin 6-1 6-1 and Na Li. In the ladies draw there were two men battling it out Svetlana Boynetsova vs. Akgul A-M-A-Nmuradova of Uzbekistan.

Boynetsova

Akgul A-M-A-Nmuradova of Uzbekistan

SURPRISE: Guess who just lost in the first round? Sam “D’Stove” Stosur, 2010 French Open finalist. I told you she was done. That means that both finalists from the French Open are out of Wimbledon by day 2. D’Stove was beaten by another SSSC….Telly’s sister, Kaia Kanepi

Someone needs to call KeySpan/National Grid because this Stove is out of gas.


Yeah Yeah getting back my street creds…That’s my sis yo…

Lil sis Kaia

Men
Well the top top men were in good form as well yesterday. Divadal took out his opponent in straight sets as did Robin “Hood Smoldering” Soderling who took out American Robby Ginepri. Jo-Willie Tsonga aka Baby Ali also won his match as did David Ferrer. Mikhail Youzhny took out Dudi Sela of Israel who played so well two weeks ago when he took out Mr. Brooklyn Decker. Lochness Monster came out looking shaky perhaps because of the pressure on him as England not doing so well at the World Cup. However, the beast pulled through and into the second round. Several of the seeded players lost just far, Marin Cilic (11),  Tabasco Verdasco (8), Nicolas Almagro (19) Marcos Fatdatis (24) and Juan Carlo Ferrero (14) all lost in the first round. However, most of them are clay court specialist so no real surprise.

In today’s play, Mr. Federer, Mr. Brooklyn Decker, D’Joker Harlequeen, Crackhead, Mommie Dearest and Mask are all in action today. I can report that the Belgians are through to the third round set to meet each other in the 4th round. Unfortunately, Shahar Peer was unable to follow up her French Open run and is out in the 2nd round. Of course more complete coverage tomorrow.

Strike a pose…though an awkward pose…

RFTN Big Picture SHOW…
HOTTIES

Dominika Cibulkova…if you don’t mind the lack of a frontal attack…

Soriana Cirstea …still looking HOT even while she is hot…

There are no Notties today… figure I am always on Lochness Monster’s case…so he enjoys a free pass today. However, I have to point out this..

Here is our resident hottie Fernando “Tabasco Verdasco” looking like day ole catsup….hmmm how he has let himself go….

Great court sense but All Fashion Nonsense

I don’t know whose bright idea this was to add this lil jacket bit but it ain’t look good. Plus Maria looks like someone wrapped her in toilet paper or paper towel.

Nike really has to reign in these tennis players who think they are fashion designers. See I blame Mr. Federer for this jacket business.

I wonder if Ms. Gold Lamé to Ms. White Chiffon sleeve (WTF) still believes that “her friend” who is designing these “outfits” for her is truly her friend. This is attempted fashion murder. Someone please arrest both her friend and she.

There is just so many things wrong with this outfit that I am only going to put out the positive: The bowl of strawberries and crème.

MIXED PHOTO BAG

They are number one and two on paper but do they have to be number 1 and 2 in paper chested as well.

Argghh…such utter disappointment in their physique. They are in the bottom of the rankings for me. Quickly put back on your shirts!!

Guess who’s back!!!!

Saw VII

Oh no she didn’t!! OH NO SHE DIDN’T…(by the way… I think someone let the air out of that girl’s with yellow straps front tires…they looking rather flat)

Picky and Index fingers always pointed….

You can’t see me but I am on top….

We’re finally here at Wimbledon 2010: Day 1

In Andy Murray, Grand Slam, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Venus Williams, Wimbledon on June 22, 2010 at 9:08 pm

The Defending Champions. Is it just me or is Mr. Federer looking a lil extra spicy in his pose?

Well folks, Wimbledon is upon once again and by the time most of you read this, match play would have already begun. Now usually, these championships are heralded with much fanfare. Although, somehow this year for me, the entire tournament just feels a bit bland. I feel no particular excitement or sense of anticipation despite the fact that Wimbledon brings out the best in the top players. There was no real drama or build up to this event. Perhaps it’s because most of the top players thus far this year have been playing horrendous tennis and looking very lackadaisical out on court. In recent weeks, top players, especially on the men’s side, have all lost to virtual “nobodies.” Mr. Federer, Divadal, Lochness Monster, Mr. Brooklyn Decker, D’Joker Harlequeen have all lost on grass. They all come into this tournament on very shaky grounds. As for the women, well, you know how they usually roll, considering that Francesco Schiabone is the 2010 French Open winner. I need not say more. Unlike previous majors, I did not issue a preview issue. I had it all written and ready to go and decided against it since most people find the lack of pictures and the abundance of actual tennis discussion quite preposterous for a tennis blog. So, in a magnanimous gesture, I would start off this RTFN’s Wimbledon 2010 series with actual tennis play. I hope you enjoy and don’t forget to keep checking out this blog and also to COMMENT. I do apologize for the late edition but you get a twofer today. That should make up and put you all back in my good graces.

To the women: Just as it is for the men when we speak of clay, we speak of who is it Rafael “Divadal” Nadal is going to beat in the final, so it is on the women’s side when we discuss grass, we have to speak of the Williams’ sisters. The Serenanator and the Crackhead are by far the greatest female grass court players of their generation…to be more precise of the 21st century. Going back to 2000, the last 10 championships that have been held, they have won a combined 8 of them and one or two of them in the finals 9 out of 10. They won the last three years with Serenanator the defending champion. The Crackhead has been the more stellar of the two with 5 championships. When she gets on the grass, you swear it is an entirely different player you see as oppose to the one who usually turn up everywhere else. Though I cannot forget to mention that in 2004 and 2006, she lost inexplicably to Karolina Sprem and Jelena “Fivehead” Jankovic (Therein lies one of the many reasons why I cannot stand that big-headed….not going to finish that one). Anyways, the real truth of the matter is that when it comes to Wimbledon, the question is really, which of the Williams sisters is going to win it or lose it because the answer really lies with them. There is ABSOLUTELY NO WOMAN currently on tour who can beat them on grass if they are playing their usually brand of tennis. Anyways, to the women results…

The sisters: The ones to beat.

The bottom half of the women’s draw played on Monday. The Belgians Kim “Mommie Dearest” Clijsters and Justine “No Justice Justine” Henin are on the same side of the draw as the Crackhead. This could be a problem for the Crackhead. However, the two Belgians have to play each other before they could potentially face the American, so the Crackhead just have to deal with one of them and in the past, she has dealt with them handily on the grass of Wimbledon. Anyways, Mommie Dearest came out on court in her usual major first round fashion. She was kicking @$$ with a 6-0 6-3 victory. No Justice Justine had a tougher time but also came through in straight sets. The cheating Belgian has made it no secret that she came back to win Wimbledon. She has made it to two finals losing to the Crackhead and Amelie Mauresmo and also made it to the semis I think on 3 occasions again losing to the Williams sisters and Marian “Gloria the Hippo” Bartoli. Other winners include Jelena “Fivehead” Jankovic, Maria Kirilenko, Yanina Wickmayer, Vera Zveronareva, the Hippo and Cookie Monster’s lil sister aka Alexandra Wozniack. Americans also made it big with wins from Melanie Oudin and Shenay Perry. The Crackhead also won 6-3 6-2. However, she got broken in both sets after being up 5-1 in the first and 5-0 in the second. This sort of lapse in focus is totally unacceptable at this stage of play. “A shocker:” Francesco Schiabone, 2010 French Open champion lost in the first round to Vera Dushevina (yeah you are pronouncing it correctly. I am not so sure about Russian names because I do know of one girl whose name sounds like…you know what, I am not going to say it…like the clinical term for “lady bits.” Are we surprise that Schiabone is out early? NO we aren’t. Ana Ivanovic lost again early at a major. No real surprise or upset. She lost in straight sets to Shehar Peer, the “Jewish Hammer” Ivanovic needs to take some time off or something. This is getting to be uncomfortable seeing her struggling in this manner. Go home and pick up needlepoint for a bit, clear your head, smoke some weed, do something except show up on court. You’re taking up space.

The Crackhead in her new outfit. She claims it was Tina Turner inspired. Although she got the legs for the part, I am gonna say that she is channeling Tina during the cocaine years

It looks like Christmas tree tassels on the bottom and we all know white Christmas trees are TACKY. This dress is a HOT WHITE MESS.

I can see the reason for the Tina parallel, Legs (check), weave (check), longevity (check), Crackheadish (check) Ike??? …..Hmm does Serena beating her all the time count??

Elena “the Demented One” Dementieva, Maria Martinez-Sanchez and Dinara Safina are all out due to injury. Dinada and the Demented One both made the semifinals last year, so they are going to be dropping in the rankings after this tournament.

The Menz:
Three weeks ago, I would have said that Mr. Federer and Divadal will meet in the Wimbledon finals again but today, I would not be surprise if Dudi Sela of Israel or American Mardy Fish holds up the trophy at the end of the day. In the 3 or so grass court tournaments that have been played in as many weeks, NONE of the top men won a title and they all lost to “nobodies and has beens.” I do not know what the hell is going on but these men need to get it together. And if you think perhaps it was the French Open blues that had these men out of sorts…they came into Wimbledon looking all rusty. Mr. Federer, D’Joker Harlequeen and The White Russian (Nikolay Davydenko back from injury) all were taken to 5 sets. They all won, most notably, Mr. Federer’s 5-7 4-6 6-4 7-6 6-0 victory. Mr. Federer was on the brink of defeat to a player who he has beaten quite easily in the past. Mr. Federer lost the first two sets and a mere 6 points from going home early. He himself stated that he got lucky. I am really glad he knows that he got lucky. However, after watching the match, I have to say that Mr. Federer was not playing bad at all. He was playing stellar but he was being outplayed. I also noticed that Mr. Federer was using some very “new” tactic. He was putting a lot of spin on the ball a la Rafa Nadal. It was really interesting as there were so many times he spun the ball so low, the crowd audibly gasped thinking it was going to hit the net but it went over. Mr. Federer is trying to mix things up. We will see what happens. I hope all the top men realize that there are no more free points or easy matches because everyone is gunning for the top guys.

Yeah Mr. Federer...you were ONE game away from losing in Round ONE

Alejandro Falla of Columbia….as per his namesake, no surprise that he failed to a win over Mr. Federer.

In other wins, Mr. Brooklyn Decker , Mardy the Whale (coming off a Queen’s Club final appearance…also they claim he lost 25 pounds since last year LOL…like Kim Kardashian losing 10 pounds every week according to the tabloids) Beetlejuice, Llyeton Hewitt (Dog the Bounty Hunter’s son) Taylor Dent, Jurgen Melzer and Hottie Daniel Brands all won.

D’Joker Harlequeen being dramatic every chance she gets…

Before I go on, I have to address this issue of Divadal being seeded number 2 despite being the number 1 player in the world. Now many feel that this is unfair. However, I really think people are giving this issue too much weight for nothing. First off, Mr. Federer is CLEARLY the better grass court player, he has made it to 7 consecutive finals losing ONCE to Divadal, who lost TWICE to Mr. Federer. Mr. Federer is the defending champion. It really does not matter whether it was Divadal 1 or Mr. Federer 2 but I think Wimbledon was just showing some respect to Mr. Federer. Divadal should not be worried about this at all. However, I am surprise that there is much talk about this when Wimbledon has shown NO RESPECT to the Williams sisters who have never enjoyed any sort of preferential seeding from the committee but of course, the pundits ignore this. Really there is no issue here. Let it go people.

Notable absentee on the men’s side include Ernest Gulbis who was set to meet Divadal, Ivo Karlovic and Fernando Gonzalez.

In today’s action, Serenanator, Shriekapova, Divadal, Hood, James Blake came back, Lochness Monster and others are all up to play. Complete coverage of Day 2 should also be in your inbox..

RTFN BIG PICTURE SHOW:
HOTTIES: DRINK TO THE HOTNESS

First some German Lager….Daniel Brands (6’5” need I say more)

Then some Red Stripe for that tropical flavor…. Dennis Brown of Jamaica. (He’s half German as well)

And finally some French Roast café au lait to deal with the hangover…

Ahhhhhh finalemente…I finally found the perfect name for Cheating Justine… “Mask”

See the resemblance?? How many of you remembered this classic 80’s flick with Cher, Sam Elliot and Eric Stoltz playing Rocky Dennis??

Rajeev Ram sorta got a beat down with the ugly stick

MIXED BAG PHOTO…
To our SSSC (Siblings of Sesame Street Characters)

Melanie Oudin

And her sister Abby Cadabby

I think Big Bird came up check up on his sister

Ain’t she just look special??

Hmmmmmmm…I think she got a boob job with the French Open prize money…

I’m just gonna have a lil snack while she’s on the phone talking to her manz…

Put more lube...put more lube

My head hurts...my feet hurts....and everything in between

So I’m thinking since Brazil is in South Africa, she wasn’t able to get one done but at the rate that Amazon is growing, she going to be needing not just a Brazilian but a whole South American

The Tennis Gods Must Be Crazy!!!

In Andy Murray, Li Na, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sports Blog, Tennis, Wimbledon on June 13, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Who is the winner here??

It is either that the tennis gods have lost their minds or Karma is serving up some humble pies as this week the top players are losing to players they have dominated in the past. This just in: To follow up the overthrow of the royalty at Queen’s Court, Roger Federer lost in three sets 6-3 6-7 4-6 to Lleyton Hewitt at the Gerry Weber Open. This is Hewitt’s first title of the year and he finally picked up a win against Mr. Federer having lost the last 15 meetings. I did point out yesterday the fact  that Mr. Federer was looking very shaky and according to today’s match statistics, it was his poor service game that done him in. It seems only fair that Mr. Federer loses once in a while and to players who he has obliterated. With the exception of Nadal, coming into the match he lost, Mr. Federer had a winning/exceptional record against his opponents: He was 8-1 against Thomas Berdych, 2-0 against Ernest Gulbis, 12-1 against Nikolay Davydenko, 6-0 against Marcos Baghdatis, 12-0 up with Robin Soderling, 3-0 against Albert Montanes and 17-7 against Hewitt. Other than the Australian Open, Mr. Federer has not won a title even when he plays a depleted field, as he did in Estoril, Portugal and now Halle, Germany. Right now, he is 27-8 and we are in mid-June. Mr. Federer has  a lot of re-tooling of his game to do if he expects to win a 7th Wimbledon title and reclaim his number one ranking.

Oh he won...WOW! Hewitt a champion once again

Mr. Federer is starting to look awkward out on court these days

The Grinch who "stole" Queens Club tournament over Mardy "The Whale" Fish

Though with Sam Querry just winning Queen’s Club over Mardy Fish 7-6 7-5, in a draw where Rafael Nadal, Novak Djokovic, Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Marin Cilic and Gael Monfils all showed up to play, one wonders if perhaps we might not see a surprise Wimbledon winner as we did at the French. In most of the clay court tournaments leading up to the French on the women’s side, we saw a lot of surprise winners; Sanchez in Rome and Rezai in Madrid then we had Schiabone holding up the trophy in Paris over Stosur. WTF??…WTMFFF?? Is the men’s side ready to be shaken up? Who will hold up the trophy come the second Sunday at Wimbledon? Should we etch in Ivo Karlovic’s name instead of Andy Murray perhaps? WOW. What the hell is going on in tennis heaven? Though I would have to say that we should have figured something was up when Ivan Ljubicic hoisted the Indian Wells trophy over Andy Roddick this year. I’m going to be a rough year this 2010. There is going to be much drama down to the wire. Interestingly enough, right now as we speak, Novak Djokovic is out on the court playing in the doubles finals with partner Jonathan Erlich in London. So he still stands a chance at being the only top with a winner’s trophy in his hand at the end of the day.

Meanwhile in Birmingham, Maria Shriekapova lost to Li Na or Na Li in straight sets 7-5 6-1. Apparently, Maria was suffering from the serving yips again. She threw in 7 double faults and as we know about Na Li/Li Na as per her Aussie Open win over Venus Williams, if you are not serving well, she will make you pay.

Gosh darn it...I missed another one...

Li Na/Na Li: WTF I just won the tournament and they gave me a gravy bowl as a trophy. WTF? Is it because I am Chinese they think I could use it to serve up some duck sauce?? Who the fcuk running this shit cause I am about to karate chop some English @$$?

Merrily Along the Way to Wimbledon

In Andy Murray, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sports Blog, Tennis, Wimbledon on June 12, 2010 at 5:30 pm

Today, much of the talk would be or has been the square off between the US and England for their first match at the 2010 World Cup. However, two Americans have already stake claims in Jolly ole London as they are tearing up the grasscourts. Sam “The Grinch” Querry and Mardy “The Whale” Fish are in the finals of the Aegon Championships. Now this tournament has already seen enough drama as the 1-6 seeds were bounced in throughly convincing fashion before they even got to the semi-finals; most of them falling before the quarterfinals. Nonetheless, one really has to commend the Americans.

This Grinch is about to steal Christmas again

I am so proud of my boy Sammie

The Grinch avenged his first round Australian Open 2010 lost when he took out Rainer Schuttler of Germany 6-7 7-5 6-3 where as his compatriot, the Whale took out Feliciano Lopez of Spain 6-3 6-4. American men in particular and their tennis federation have endured much abuse from critics and I am not ashamed or afraid to say that I have been leading that charge. America’s current tennis system is not doing much for finding and developing new talents. They seem to be working on the notion that the likes of Andy Roddick, James Blake et al can inspire the new generation who can simply get themselves to tennis greatness. They have the job half done already: someone else develop the talent and they would turn that person into a star. Apparently they have not noticed that tennis coverage is waning and that they have stiff competition from other more accessible and more lucrative sports. Andre Agassi, John McEnroe, Jimmy Connors, Michael Chang, Pete Sampras and Jim Courier are no longer playing and their replacements are not likely to turn up tomorrow. Go out into the highways, byways, valleys and mountains, into the cities and suburbs as well as the country sides to find willing bodies and give them the skills. Don’t wait for talent to show up at your doors. Take a look at how basketball, baseball, football and hockey operates. They go looking for bodies. They never seem to have a problem finding the next stars. Nonetheless, today we can celebrate the vindication of sorts for the American way of doing things.

Give us Americans a run of applause

The Grinch has had a stellar year as he has for the year already won two titles and made it to 4 finals including this one. The Grinch even won a European clay court title. That’s impressive. That’s really really impressive. Interestingly enough, his two titles for the year were over another American John Isner and if he were to win tomorrow, he would beat yet another American. The Whale is having an up and down year (well truth be told he is ranked 90 in the world right now so he is having a down year) but this is first final for the year. He also played 5 matches at this tournament as the Grinch, being a seeded player got a first round bye. As to who I favor tomorrow in the final, well…it’s a toss up: The Grinch has a really hot hand this year and definitely coming into form so far but the Whale might be wanting to show his prowess and his goes have a nice game having taken out Andy “Lochness Monster” Murray. Nonetheless it is great to see two Americans not named Andy Roddick and James Blake doing nice things. I should mention that James got to finals here either last year or 2008. James Blake is currently recovering from injuries.

Anyway across the Channel and several countries away in Halle, Germany, the Gerry Weber Open has set their finals as Mr. Federer will face his regular whipping boy Lleyton “Dingo Dog” Hewitt. Now Mr. Federer enjoys a 17-7 head to head with the Aussie but it is important to note that in their first 9 meetings 1999-2003, Hewitt was 7-2 against the Fed. However, since 2004, Mr. Federer has enjoyed a 15-0 run on the Aussie and at times, he has been merciless in his beatdowns dropping bagel sets (6-0) indiscriminately. I would have to caution Mr. Federer that he has been looking very shaky and vulnerable all year. He is coming across at times like a middle age man playing with teenagers. On his favorite surface, he has not been looking really stellar at the championships, dropping serve frequently but he made it to the finals. He is 29-0 at these championships as a 5-time winner. So he knows the grounds very very well but we shall see if Hewitt can get one up on the Faulting Federer tomorrow.

Cool, Calm, Collected...and also at times Conceited as well....

Mr. Federer made some off-handish comment about how Nadal, Murray, Djokovic and Roddick would have liked to have had more time on the grass as there is so few little opportunities for one to prepare for Wimbledon. Meanwhile his going for his 6 straight title in Halle. Interestingly enough Nadal won Queens in 2008, the same year he beat Federer in the Wimbledon finals. In the press confidence Nadal, Murray, Djokovic and Roddick all played off their lost as if it were nothing but a “chicken wing.” However, they lost to significantly inferior players (Lopez is ranked 31, Sela 63, Malisse is 74 and Fish is 90) Their losses were inexplicable for the other two lost in straight sets. Now this may not mean much particularly for Nadal (he is after all Nadal) and Djokovic (he is the doubles finals so he is getting grass practice) but for Murray and Roddick, Wimbledon is the one major that favors them tremendously. Roddick lost a heartbreaker last year and he and Murray are not going to create much fear in their opponents come next week when you lost to Sela and Fish. Anyway, we would see what happens at Wimbledon. And if there is one thing that we know with sports, it is that “The game is won and lost on the field.”

Shrieking her way to the finals

Anyway, despite all this talk about the menz, women are also playing tennis and Maria Shriekapova, 2004 Wimbledon champion is the in the final of the Aegon Classic (played in Birmingham) women’s event not be confused with the Aegon Championships, currently being played in London men’s event also not to be confused with the Aegon International, a joint event, to be played next week. I mean seriously, England, either stop the monopolistic/mercantilistic behavior or name the bloody tournament something else because all this Aegon business is quite Asinine in case you missed how confusing it can be. I mean can’t you get BP to sponsor one of these events. Anyway, Shriekapova would be facing Na Li of China in the final tomorrow. One would be foolish to bet against Shriekapova but Na Li is reeling from her Australian Open 2010 semi-finals appearance and the fact that Jie Zheng got to the semi-finals of Wimbledon in 2008. Therefore, expect her to put up some strong resistance. Do not be surprise if there is an upset.

On the road to Wimbledon

In Andy Murray, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sports Blog, Tennis, Wimbledon on June 11, 2010 at 8:49 am

Seeds are falling all over the place in England

Officially, Spring is still here and Summer starts in two weeks but if you’re watching tennis in England, it sure feels like the Autumn. Squirrels can start their collecting early this year as top seeds are falling all over the place at the Queen’s Club tennis tournament (Aegon Championships). Blame it on the weather, the French Open hangover but as of right now, the top 6 players are OUT. What’s even more surprising is that they have lost to surprisingly “nobodies.”

No 2 seed D’Joker Harlequeen lost to Malisse (a former Wimbledon semifinalist) 3-6 6-4 2-6
No 3 seed Lochness Monster (the defending champion) lost to Mardy Whale 4-6 6-1 7-6
No 4 seed Mr. Brooklyn Decker (4 time champion) lost to Dudi Sela (who???) 6-4 7-6
No 5 seed Marin Cilic lost to Michael Llodra  7-6 6-2
No 6 seed Beetlejuice  lost to Rainer Schuttler 3-6 7-6 2-6
Interestingly enough seeds 2-5 all lost in the same round and they were seemingly sluggish out there on court. They can offer up no real excuse as to their loss and I assure you, that it is not the superior skill of their opponents. You would think that players like Murray, Roddick and Cilic would be happy that they are on the more secure surface of grass. I particularly feel for Lochness Monster because the British press and tabloids (is there any difference over there?) are going to terrorize the poor beast. The monster was already pissed with the whale since yesterday because the whale was up 3-0 in the final set and the monster broke back to level 3-3. Mardy Whale sensing that he is about to be beached decided to suspend play, telling the umpire it’s too dark. Now you know the darkness would favor the Lochness Monster. The umpire agreed with the friendly whale. Lochness was pissed to say the least. Things are going to be interesting come Wimbledon.

The frustrations in his homeland begins...

No 1 seed Divadal struggled yesterday in his match against Denis Istomin. However, he made it through and is currently playing his former boo Feliciano Lopez. They are as we speak on serve 1-1.  I doubt Divadal will lose to his former boo. He has a 5-1 lead over him and right now, Lopez is doing absolute nonsense at net. Do note that Divadal had to call for the trainer. I was surprised that he is playing this week but I guess he figured since he did not lose a set at the French he has the strength to do more. However, Dividal has to realize that his body has a limit despite his mind being determined to push on forever.

UPDATE: No 1 seed Divadal just lost 6-7 4-6 to Feliciano Lopez. So we haven’t even got to the semi-finals and the top 6 seeds are already out. So we will get a first time champion this year. Quite possibly American Sam”The Grinch” Querrys and Mardy Whale. The Squirrels are really out collecting seeds.

WOW! WOW! Hold it....some lube please

Meanwhile Mr. Federer is in Halle Germany having a good time on his favorite surface.

Cool and calm as always...Mr. Federer