French Open 2010: Playing Catch up to 10ème jour

In Andy Murray, French Open, Grand Slam, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Maria Sharapova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis on June 2, 2010 at 6:18 am

It is said that procrastination is like masturbation: It feels good while you are doing it but in the end, you are only fcuking yourself. I believe this little adage is apropos for this publication. It is an undocumented fact that to produce this newzletter requires a lot of effort and energy. I would be lying if I were to say that I always have the necessary amount of either to write and publish every day. This current French Open 2010 volume has been particularly challenging as we recently went live on our very this blog. Posting online is very painstaking but for the love of the sport and my fanz I toil on. I have been working tremendously hard on producing the newzletter this past weekend but I realized that I had created too much work for myself. Seeing that the original format of the newzletter took the form of e-mailing the issues to subscribers many of whom use their work emails, issues were never published on the weekends of majors. This year was no different. However, it was an extremely long and hot weekend thus making  my productivity level very low. Nonetheless, I have caught up to the times. I am debating at this time whether to produce one giant issue, which runs the risk of being undeliverable to many e-mail addresses, or produce two issues to split the load. Despite all of that, issues would be back on track, though, as you know, as majors go into their second week, there is significantly fewer matches and thus less to talk about.

Anyway, it is still very shocking to see that there have been very few comments posted on the blog. I would greatly appreciate the posting of comments, opinions, agreements or differences from you my fanz. The reason is not for self praise and adoration. I assure you that I do not need this publication for that, but for authenticity. It would mean that people are reading, enjoying the postings and I could feel that my work is not in vain. I know many of you are not particularly great fans of tennis. However, I do hope that there are moments when you feel like you have learned something worthwhile. I also hope that it brings smiles and laughter because to be quite honest, the original intent of the newzletter has always been humour. Authenticity comes into play because when the lawyers, agents, parents, fanz and/or crazy stalkers of the players of the ATP and WTA find out what is being said about them, I would hope that through reading the comments, they would realize that A) I am not some raving lunatic jumping on the platform afforded to me by B) The blog is quite popular and people enjoy it for its unique take on tennis and C) That to sue me, which would be their primal inclination, could very well result in a massive internet support group begging for my being cleared of any liabilities regarding defamation of characters. So I again will STRESS THE IMPORTANCE OF LOGGING ONTO the website and posting comments I do not want to resort to drastic measures.

One note of correction, I mentioned that Rolex was the official timekeeper of these championship as I was going on about Divadal’s gift from his sugar daddy. I was wrong, the official timekeeper is Longines. I do ask that both companies accept my apologies and send me a time piece because right now my Citizen watch is acting up and heaven only knows where my Kenneth Cole lies.

Divadal modeling his $500K+ watch for us

Anyway to the tennis: Catching up with the girls…
When we last spoke, I believe I provided some updates as to what was going on in third round action, Day 6. So I will pick up from there.  The weather proved yet again to be the most formidable opponent as several matches were again delayed and pushed back. Cheating Justine finished up her match winning 6-3 6-3 as did Gloria the Hippo aka La petite grosse. Serenanator came out firing from all cylinders as she took out her lesser ranked German opponent 6-1 6-1. This marked the end of all the 2 round matches for the ladies. The Crackhead finally solved the third round puzzle she had been facing for the past 3 years at Roland Garros as she took out last year’s semi-finalist Dominicka Cilbulcova 6-3 6-4. The Crackhead looked to be on point as she did not face a single break point on serve in the second set. However, we here all know that one should never trust a Crackhead. Defending champion Boynetsova did not look so hot at all and was bounced from the tournament by fellow Russian Maria Kirilenko. Many would remember Kirilenko being a spoiler Down Under earlier this year when she snuffed out Maria Shriekapova first round. Kirilenko may not play well throughout the year but at majors, she seems to be a dangerous floater especially for her countrywomen. Other winners included Danish Biscuit Wozniacki, Daniella Hantuchova, Flavia “Penne Pasta” Pennetta and Sam “D’Stove” Stosur. The Demented One also took out another Siblings of Sesame Street Characters (SSSC) Alekandra Wozniack of Canada, the sister of Cookie Monster. One match was not completed and that was Aravane Rezai aka Ms. Gold Lamé vs. Nadia Fatrova with the winner to face the Crackhead. When play was suspended, they were tied one set a piece and 7-7 in the third set. The winner of this match would face the Crackhead in the 4th round. Much talk has been about the possible re-match of Ms. Gold Lamé vs. the Crackhead as Mlle Lamé beat the Crackhead in Madrid.

Aleksandra Wozniak

I'm really proud of you did good. Maybe next time. Wanna a cookie??

The next day, Serenanator had to take the court again early so as to be ready for the Round of 16. She took on another Russian Anastasia Pavlyuvhenkova. Serenanator again came out in the first set blazing the red clay taking it 6-1, mind you; she lost her first service game, and then took the next six games. However, in the second set, she appeared disoriented and for a minute, I thought she had morphed into her big sister the Crackhead as she was spraying balls all over the place, which would be a good thing if one was not on a tennis court. A doctor was called on court and Serena was given several pills. It would later be said that she was experiencing lightheadedness and dizziness. However, the Russian wasted no time in capitalizing on an out of sorts Serenanator and took the set 6-1. However, as she has shown on countless occasions, the Serenantor took control of the match in the third set taking it 6-2 sending the Russian back home to the Kremlin.  6-1 1-6 6-2. Shahar Peer or the “Jewess Hammer” as I have been told to call her by a certain Jewish fanz showed strict adherence to Judaism (if you ignore the fact that she was playing on a Saturday) as she took out the porker La Petite Grosse in straight sets 7-6 6-2. France was not a happy camper as yet again they fail to have a female contender for the French Open.

Motherfcuker, I heard you have been calling me Gloria the Hippo?? Just look at me, I am a top-level athlete and I am in shape.

Jewess Hammer Shahar Peer

Fatrova earlier had wasted no time in taking out Ms. Lamé 10-8 in the third set. France would have to look to its Français instead of its Françaises for a championships and even that is doubtful in this current era. Fivehead also won her match as did Hantuchova who took out 2009 US Open semifinalist Wickmayer 7-5 6-3. Alisa Kleybanova aka Ms. Alisa Klondike Bar lost to Yaroslava Shvedova of Kazakhstan 2-6 6-4 0-6. Surprise Surprise the fatty did not win a game in the third set. Shriekapova and No Justice Justine were locked in a battle for a place in the fourth round a set a piece. No JJ came out on fire mopping the court with the Russian but somehow in that infinite reserve of guts belongs to the Russian Banshee, she was able to pull out the second set before the match was suspended due to poor lighting and rain.

Au revoir Mlle. Gold Lamé

Can you hear me now??

By Day 8, my euphoria with this year’s French Open was to be short-lived but like I predicted in my first issue, this year’s championships would be seen as pivotal for the sport of tennis when looking back into the annals of history. The Demented One, who thus far throughout the tournament was looking, you guessed it “demented” came out quite lucid (perhaps because it was Sabbath) and beat surprise South African 4th rounder Chanelle Scheepers 6-1 6-3. If there is ever a woman who deserves to win a major it’s the Demented One. She has seen fellow Russians Shriekapova (Wimbledon 2004, US Open 2006, and Australian Open 2008), Boynetsova (US Open 2004, French Open 2009) and Anastasia Myskina (who has since retired) after winning the 2004 French Open title. Penne Pasta Pennetta looked poised to make it to the quarters as she had the Danish Biscuit against the ropes; however, it was a blow out in the third set 6-2 as the Biscuit boiled the pasta. Meanwhile her countrywoman, Schiabone wasted no time in dispatching her opponent to make it to her second quarters at the French Open.

The last match up, Fatrova vs. the Crackhead and do I dare even say that we are not the least bit surprised that the Crackhead lost in straight sets no less 6-4 6-3. I did not even watch the match as I have laid the Crackhead to rest since February. In her last four losses, (6-2 6-1 against Mommie Dearest in Florida; 6-0 6-1 against Fivehead in Rome, 6-2 7-5 in Madrid and now 6-4 6-3 in Paris) the Crackhead failed to win a set against her opponents going down meek as a lamb or perhaps as high as a kite. Not even ONE set. Her resume is far more impressive than all her opponents combined. She had 4-0 lifetime against Fatrova and still could not even muster a set point. It is ridiculous that the Crackhead can consider herself the number 2 female player in the world. I for one rank her at 100. It is ridiculous this level of play from the Crackhead, absolute bullshit. Anyway before this hater express goes full speed ahead, I am going to draw back and simply say that Venus Williams aka the Crackhead in a LOSER in my book and an embarrassment to her fanz. She should pack it in or stick to doubles with her sister. She is purely taking up space and an important spot in draws for other players who are much more serious about the game.

Pack your shite and get the fcuk out of here Crackhead!!

Anyway, the next day also proved to also be filled with drama. Shahar Peer’s run in France came to a close as she met the Serenanator 6-2 6-2. The Serenanator was feeling generous as in each of the set, she allowed Peer to break her. So in fact the score could have very well have been 6-1 6-1. Despite Peer being a good player, she is just that a good player. When contending for majors, one has to be a great player playing great tennis and hope that the Serenanator is not in your path. The Serenantor is really gunning for this GrandSlam this year. The other round of 16 results had Fivehead beating Hantuchova and Shvedova taking out Australian Jarmila Groth. The match of the day was definitely D’Stove vs. No Justice Justine. NJJ is clay court specialist and I daresay, the only one in the women’s game today. She knows the red stuff better than anyone and she showed why taking the first set 6-2. However, D’Stove turned up the heat with her forehands banging away on the diminutive Belgian taking it 6-1. However, there was never any sense that an upset was brewing as NJJ had lost the second set to Shriekapova and we all know that Banshee is not that formidable of a player. Nevertheless, the match remained even as they traded breaks. At 4 games all, NJJ seem to go on a mental lapse and lost her serve giving the Aussie a chance to serve it out. The Aussie wasted no time in taking the match revenging her lost to the cheater in Germany. D’Stove would face Serenanator who is now a heavy favorite for the title.

Serenanator allegedly has her Beauty School Degree. Looking at the evidence here.....

I am going to have to ask for an extensive background check into the school accreditations.

Yesterday saw the first set of quarterfinals with the Demented One taking out Fatrova. Am I surprised that the woman who beat the Crackhead lost 6-2 2-6 0-6. Schiabone made it to her first major semifinals when she crushed the Danish Biscuit. Today, the Serenanator takes on D’Stove and Fivehead plays Shvedova. It could be a repeat of Rome’s semi-final Serenanator vs. Fivehead. I assure you that if this were to happen, the Serenanator would be the victress.

D’Stove…is she cooking to win her first French Open??

How are the boyz doing?
Well until yesterday, there was not much going on by way of upsets. Dividal looked stellar throughout his first four matches though not entirely crisp as he has been in previous years. There seem to be something a bit off his game. He has been playing lower ranked opponents and yet, he does not seem to be able to dominate. D’Joker Harlequeen, though many have not been really considering him has been playing good tennis. At times he seems to lose focus but he quickly regains his wit and wins his matches. He took out the last remaining American man in the round of 16 Robby Ginepri. Ginepri played some clutch tennis as he took out 2003 French Open winner Juan Carlos Ferrero. Surprise Surprise, Mr. Brooklyn Decker lost in the third round just as I predicted to Gabashivilli in straight sets. He complained of the slow courts and being made to play on the Suzanne Lenglen courts instead of Phillipe Chartier. Boohoo Mr. Decker, you did not play a single match prior to coming here and your play in your two wins was mediocre at best. Get over it and concentrate on the grass of Wimbledon. No surprise that this Andy would be joined by the other Andy, Lochness Monster who was thoroughly thrashed by the Czech Tomas Berdych.  Jurgen Melzer who took out David Ferrer of Spain (a possible contender) has made it to the quarterfinals for the first time when he took out Gabashvilli, as did Nicolas Almagro who took out his countryman Tabasco Verdasco and Mikhail Youzhy also won when Baby Ali retired. It’s a shame because Baby Ali has so much potential but simply lacks a fit and healthy body to do well.

Divadal: Hey everyone, I own this itch.

Adios amigo

Juan Carlos Ferrero: Oh no he didn't! An American beating me on clay. Hellz No. Hellz to the MF No!

Today is the second Wednesday of a major tournament and Mr. Roger Federer is not around as he was sent packing by Robin “Hood” Soderling in sets yesterday. To say this is a pivotal lost is an understatement. When Hood beat Divadal last year it was a giant upset as Dividal had never lost in Paris. However, yesterday when Mr. Federer lost to Soderling in the quarterfinals, this was the Mt. Everest of upsets. Mr. Federer had beaten Hood 12 consecutive times. The last time Mr. Federer went home so early was French Open 2004 when he lost in the 3rd round to I believe Gustavo Kuerten of Brazil the 3 time French Open winner. That’s 23 consecutive major semifinals…6 years of making it to the semis or better; the guy in second place is at 10. I am sure Mr. Federer forgot what it felt like going home so early. I mean for other players a quarterfinal appearance would be great but not for Mr. Federer. It was a mighty blow as it somehow cemented his poor play as of late. Since winning the Australian Open, he has played 6 tournaments and made it to one final where he lost badly to Divadal. His concentration and focus seem to be waning and of course everyone is pointing to the fact that he is now a “father and husband” We need not discuss that matter further at this time. Nonetheless, Mr. Federer may very well lose his number one ranking and for the first time in ages would be going into Wimbledon as the number 2 ranked player. Divadal has to win the title.

Yes I just beat him because I'm gangsta like that

I really hope Mr. Federer gather himself because he is too good of a player to go down in such a heap of flames. I know that nothing lasts forever and that it is inevitable that Mr. Federer begins to slip. However, I believe that Mr. Federer can have the all time record of majors wins of 24 for both men and women. Currently the mark is 23 held by Chris Evert I think. He can sure come close to it. However, he really needs to re-tool his game and be more aggressive and flatten that frigging backhand. Cut out with all this fashion nonsense and focus on his game. If he does not do something quickly he would soon be cast in the same category as the Crackhead, “A once fierce lion but now a mere declawed kitten). Therefore, with him being out, the even more overwhelming favorite would have to be Divadal. Though much credit must be given to Hood as for the second year in a row he took out the defending champion. I think he deserves to win his first major especially for his coach Magnus Norman who was once a finalist here in Paris.

"The Show must go on! Inside my heart is breaking, My make-up may be flaking, But my smile, still, stays on!" (Queen)

Au revoir Rogé



Smoldering Hot...Hood showing off his 6pack of malt liquor

As well as two extra bottles

Shvedova of Kazakhstan


Schiabone.....the very model of uncuteness

Adieu to the monster...we're going to miss making fun of you


Celebrity look-a-likes

Baby Ali (Tsonga)

Ali…I think Tsonga’s “daddy” better ask for a DNA test


his daddy Oompa Lumpa

A combined ATP/WTA match up??

Sorry to tell you Fivehead…we’re on to you. Your chicken breasts are stuffed!

Is she putting balls up under her skirt?? Hmmmm

This is all sort of wrong

Is she on steroids or Viagra?? I swear hers is bigger than Lochness Monster…

Houston I think we have a problem…She is hung!!

The Demented One: I think my tuna is about to come loose

Yeah I think it is back in now

Yeah the tuna is back in its can.


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