Realz

US Open 2010: Day 1

In Andy Roddick, Lleyton Hewitt, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Melanie Oudin, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Uncategorized, US Open, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on August 30, 2010 at 11:24 pm

So here we are again ladies and gentle subscribers to the RTNF. We are at the 2010 US Open, the culminating major of the year. At the beginning of the tennis year, there was much anticipation but very little panned out as “veterans” continue to dominate at the big tournaments. This US Open I think really have little fanfare but describe how you and I feel about the tournament, there is very little that you can I can do to stop the men’s and women’s singles champion from claming 1.7 million dollars in prize money. Not a bad cheque for 2 weeks work is it. Sometimes I wish my parents had stuck something in my hand as a child other than a book. A tennis racquet, a ball, a bat, a musical instrument or even a gun , a CD…how about a gun and a CD, then I could have been a gangsta rapper.. Any of these would have been far more beneficial to me than the pursuit of academic excellence. Truth be told, at risk of disclosing my true age, I grew up in LP era, CDs are somewhat a novel invention to me…or is that because I grew up in a 3rd world country? Hmmm…but I digress. You did not sign up to this blog for the ranting of a disgruntled worker….but for the most complete and controversial tennis coverage this side of universe….

So the US Open started yesterday and I dispensed in posting a preview because well, most people are not interested in suppositions as oppose to actualities. But anyhow, I will make some general comments along those lines as I go through Day 1 action. It should be noted that Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy is out of 2010 US Open and so cannot defend his US Open title. He had wrist surgery early this year and felt that he was not fit to compete. Resident hottie, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga is also out. Also missing is the Serenanator. On the night of Germany’s expulsion from the World Cup, she was in a bar in Hanover (or so the story goes) where the crowd was getting a bit raucous. The Serenanator, wanting some peace and tranquility (you know Germans can be so ghetto) decided to step away from the hooliganism and in doing so stepped on glass. Mario Carillo had alleged that Serenantor stepped on a beer bottle but she took back that comment, which to me is quite odd to have said so or even take it back. I am guessing she wanted to allude to some sort of character assassination of the America. Just in case readers were confused about how RTNF feels about Mario Carillo….well we think she is a hating manish itch) Anyway, it lead to an inch deep cut into the tennis player’s foot and this led to foot surgery to repair the damage. Nevertheless, it is open season for the women draw because as far back as 2008 Wimbledon, if you want to win a major or even contend for the title, you have to beat the Serenanator…..Oh I almost forgot to mention that Cheating Justine Henin has given up tennis for the entire year. Yes. This is no surprise to me at all so Ms. Henin has mysteriously left the tour yet again with no real valid excuse. She claimed that she injured her elbow while losing to Kim at Wimbledon but the Cheat continued to play that match and showed no real sign of damage. I know history would validate me on this one…I believe she is injured as much as I believe Ryan Seacrest is straight.

The Beast won’t be around this year. Hopefully you come back all shaven and clean….Seriously DelPo…your armpit hair is growing down to your elbow…get a weedwhacker bro..

If only we call all look this well when ill… Serenantor bringing sexy back to the limp…(Check out that perv at the very bottom)

So to the tennis. ..

Melanie Oudin, aka Dot, the American sensation got the first match up on Arthur Ashe… I do not understand this… she is not even seeded at the tournament but she is given this distinction. Anyhow, she routed her Urkanian competitor Olga Savchuk 6-3 6-0. She almost had a golden set in the second set (not losing a single point) Anyhow she moves on and do did Mommy Dearest, Belgian Waffle Kim Clijsters, who looked a bit out of touch in this early round 6-0 7-5. Mommy D is known to smack down players in the early rounds but yesterday she was down 0-4 in the second set but rallied to win the next 7 of 8 games. I know loads of critics including Lil Wayne (seriously…I think he should be worried about the odds of him not getting raped in jail than the odds on the tennis courts) have picked her to repeat as champion and technically she has a 15 match streak at the Open since winning in 2005, she did not come back to the tournament until 2009 where she won again. However, I do not see the Belgian repeating. First off, if Kim is not looking sharp in the early rounds, she tends to degenerate as time goes on. She was injured earlier during the hard courts doing those silly splits. Kim is under the mistaken belief that since her mama was a C rate gymnast in Belgium (she was no Nastia or even Shawn for that matter….I am also well verse in gymnastics as well) that it means she inherited those not so dominant flexibility genes. So there was Mama with her “thick self” out on hardcourt during monstrous heat doing her splits as if indoor mat and her hip gave out…she had to hobble off the court. See Kim I know simple biomechanic…you can’t pop out baby and pop and squat the same as before. So might I suggest that you keep the legs close together like a good Catholic girl and save the freak show for your hubbie who I am sure with his 6’7” stature would appreciate your flexible nature in the boudoir. Anyway, besides the injury, everyone knows Kim is not as mentally tough opponent and since getting back on tour she has been looking very frazzled as of late. I do not think she has the mental fortitude to pull off this win.

American Oudin aka Dot (You have to know Dot from Mad TV)

She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named came back on tour today after spraining her knee after Wimbledon, thus unable to play any tour matches since July. She has now turned 30 and the pundits are in her face about old age despite her being ranked 4 in the world. Anyway, she played Italian Roberta Vinci who thought that She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named might allow her into the match on sheer rust. However, any professional who watched the match have to say that it was like watching a different person because She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named’s usual liabilities (her serve, the second serve, forehand and unwillingness to come to net) were her assets where as her asset (her backhand) was the liability. She was on like a boil corn but you know I am holding thread with this one. She took out the Italian in her black dress 6-4 6-1. She stated that even though she has little match play, she would rely on her experience. The pundits were pouncing on her but the truth is that on the women side, the US has no other hope than the ole gal. Oudin is out by round 3 and I think I am giving her too much credit here. She can believe, persevere, sweat, goal all she wants but she not making it on tour. Too many other players are far more skilled at the game than she is. The crowd can brag all they want but facts are facts.

She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named in her Night cocktail dress… It gets an A- (Check out later edition for a 2010 Major fashion spread for Lady Voldemort)

In other ladies win 2008 semi-finalist Dinara Safina aka Dinada went out like a candle in the wind losing to Daniela Hantuchova 6-3 6-4. It is unfortunate that Safina is going down like this. I believe that most of her problems lies between her ears. Being the brother/sister of Marat Safin (that Ravishing Russian) does not help but she is a really good player and ever since people were attacking her for not being the legitimate number one player, she has slipped down that slippery slope. And as she has slipped so has Ana Invanovic aka Mrs. Fernando Verdasco aka Mrs. Tabasco Verdasco risen out of the dust. Ivanovic put together a really nice summer hard court season and made it through to the second round of a major; something that she has been unable to say for sometime now. She is brimming with confidence so expect some noise from this Serbian. Sam D’Stove, Francesca Schiabone, The Jewess Hammer Shahar Peer, Jie Zheng, The Dementend One Elena Dementieva, Alisa Klondike Bar, Sania Mirza, Tsetvana Pironkova, all won their matches. Victoria Azarenka of Belarus ranked 10 in the world was out on court 10 playing her first round match.WTF and Melanie Oudin is on Arthur Ashe…some bullshite. Anyway, I would have picked Azarenka to be the dark horse of this tournament but I saw her yesterday and I she pudgy (see at times I can be nice) Anyway, she has gained some weight and wearing black to cover it. This is weird as I saw her recently playing and she was slim so I believe she might have a bun in the oven which she was definitely baking in that black dress in the NYC hot sun yesterday in attempt to disguise. However, I am only taking a guess here so I suggest you not this  it until further notice. Remember it is only rumor if you spread it.

Before and After…This is not extra muscle…But remember Mummmmm the word..

To the men…

Now if you let the pundits tell you, it is all about Rafael Nadal at the US Open this year…I mean Lil Wayne predicted that Nadal would win his first US Open title this year and earn himself a career grandslam. However, in this respect, I would again defer to my earlier comment in reference to Lil Wayne and in the words of the immortal rapper TuPac “Keep your head up” brother. Anyway, Divadal wants this title badly and has come close I believe twice. However, it is not a question of his game but his endurance. He has tried to lighten his schedule for this year in anticipation to give the final push in NYC but I do not think it will happen this year. The courts of NYC are too grueling and he is not in tip top excellent shape as is necessary plus he extends way too much energy in earlier matches. Consider also that Divadal has not won a title this summer on hard court and to be honest, he has look beside himself in the matches he has played. I do not expect him to lose early but I doubt he would be around late. Anyway, he is set to play tonight, as is Carolina Wozniacki…wait a minute I might have it wrong, Lil Wayne might have said that it is the Danish Biscuit he favors over the Belgian Waffle. Nevertheless, I think would find himself a lil off on both accounts.

People need to stop saying shite about Mr. Decker, it is hurting his feelings….

However, as for the men who played on Monday, Andy Roddick aka Brooklyn Decker took out Stephane Robert in straights sets 6-3 6-2 6-2 looking sharp as always. It is a very unfortunate Mr. Decker that shows up in NYC. The US has written him off in favor of adopting foreign sons such as Divadal, Mr. Federer and D’Joker Harlequeen. It is not a mere coincidence that the US Open is held in Queens and it is these three starlettes that are light up the nights here. I have never been a Roddick fan and nor would I be but give credit where credit is due. Mr. Decker has carried the banner for American men proudly and solely in the absence of Sampras, Agassi, Courier and Chang. One dare not push forward the names of James “Fake Blake” Blake, Mardy the Whale Fish (who incidentally now looks like a whale) Sam Querry and John Isner. Mr. Decker has been to 5 major finals winning one in 2003. However, he had the unfortunate experience of meeting a man by the name of Mr. Federer in the 4 other finals as well as bumping into him on the byways and highways of 4th rounds, quarterfinals and semi-finals (check out 2007 Australian Open semi-final a crucial beatdown). Mr. Decker would have had at least 5 majors to his credit. Nothing Fake Blake, Whale Eel, The Grinch and Green Giant can do in their lifetime can equal Mr. Decker’s achievement. So people really need to lay off the man. He tries. He really does try. He is essentially a jock and jocks give it their all even if their all is not much. Mr. Decker is a more than competent hard court player and has the most wins on the surface on tour. I think he will make some noise here and if he wins (though I doubt this) I would be the first to say he has earned it. Also I would appreciate it if people stop saying that Brooklyn Decker is too hot for the man. I beg to differ. She is no beautiful though very attractive and this is not hateration. Hateration would be me saying that she aligned herself only with the athlete knowing that his career would last longer than hers would as a model and that she acted like the typical air headed head cheerleader dating and marrying the star quarterback as his athletic body would retain the muscular look far longer than her would retain the SI look and hopefully he will be strong enough in old age to lift her fat @$$ from the refrigerator. But I am not saying that nor have I ever said that so therefore, you cannot claim I am a hater on this point. Nonetheless, I think they are both equally compatible. It is not like she is some quantum physicist and he some dumb jock. They both have a high school education and coasting on non-intellectual attributes raking in millions. So people really need to stop hating…and most of the people talking are fat straight men who wish BK Decker was banging them but I am sure she has no interest in lifting Mounds of fat when she is only interested in the nuts of the Almond Joy.

Piss off boys…You all can keep your Twix for I love me some creamy center and all those nuts of Andy’s Snickers to be near my Kit Kat bar.

Anyway, Smirnoff Vodka aka White Russian Nikolay Davydenko is back in full strength on tour and took out American Mike Russell. Robin Soderling aka Robin Hood aka Smoldering Soderling as always allowed a two sets to love lead go away as he struggled to close out the match 6-4 in the fifth set. There is no way a man of his caliber of talent is struggling early rounds at majors. Do not expect to see him in the quarterfinals nor Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice who again struggling in the first round against American Robert Kendrick. Seriously Beetlejuice?? I mean just having to face you across the court would scare me off the court. In other wins, Richard Gasquet from France and Tomas Bellucci also won as did Juan Carlos Ferrero, American Taylor Dent, Jurgen Melzer and Marian Cilic. Lyetton Hewitt of Australia aka Dingo Dog aka broke Mommy Dearest heart lost in the first round against Frenchman Paul-Henri Matthieu. The 2001 US Open winner struggled throughout the match and I am afraid to say that it is fast approaching midnight for his career as he is well past twilight. Mr. Federer made quick work of his Argentine opponent 6-1 6-4 6-2. Mr. Federer was looking great on both his backhand and forehand but he was absolutely atrocious in his play at net as well as his break point opportunities. He only converted I believe 4 of 19. This is absolutely ridiculous and his notable losses to Divadal, this has always been the tale of the tape failing to convert his break points. Anyway, I hope he cleans his game up for rest of the tournament. With that being said, I am going to give my picks for winners. I have to admit these picks are mystical and can be seen as a psychic prediction. She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named for the women and Mr. Federer for the men. I know CRAZY but when have I ever displayed any level of sanity to you dear followers.

Look forward tomorrow for another issue…. And remember I would be posting on blog soon so please comment online…

PHOTO BAG…

Hottie of the Day..

Not only is she pretty…she comes with her own sets of wheels with low gas mileage for all you Ego freaks…Go get her fellas…

Edina Gallovits of Romania. She is gorgeous if don’t mind the diary on the legs…

A Spanish man with some scruff what can I say but MUY BUEN…..Juan Carlos Ferrero of Spain popularly known on tour as the Mosquito…I wouldn’t mind a bite or two or three or……I digress….

Though he is dismal on court…he have to give the brother props for looking good in a suit…

NOTTIES..

Francesa Schiabone showing us here one of the misconceptions of fashion: Lace would always make you appear more feminine.

Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!.... Did Halloween come early this year??

Mix Bag… Bad Fashion

And now is the Wintour of our discontent…

I think there is something floating in her grape jelly…. I swear Maria is making bad fashion into a sport

There can be no doubt in anyone's mind that Martina Hingis is a cocaine user because one has to be high to have left the house looking like this

Mardy the Whale…

is now Mardy the Eel….but if you ask me…he is looking a bit gaunt and goblinish…ehhhhhhhhh…But I am not going to hate…He has the 6-pack to show…

From here on end…Parental Restriction is Advised…

Kim: I wonder which one is the bottom….Hmmmmmmmmm

Roger: It’s him….

Rafa: No it isn’t…it’s him… Roger: Why you telling lies Rafa? I can’t show you the real thing but this microphone is an accurate representation…See what I am working with. No way I am the bottom..

Rafa: All right! All right! It’s me… Can’t help it if I am a size queen…

I wonder if she knows Roger doesn’t eat sushi.

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