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Archive for January, 2011|Monthly archive page

Aussie Open 2011 Update: The Federer X-press Fails to Deliver

In Australian Open, Novak Djokovic, Roger Federer on January 27, 2011 at 8:29 am

Mr. Federer was coming into this Australian Open with something major to prove. After winning the 2010 Australian Open for his record setting 16th major, he seemed poised to get to perhaps 20 plus titles. His major rival Divadal was looking all sorts of mess. He had lost the 2009 French Open title, failed to play Wimbledon and seemed very much hampered by injury and doubt. However, with the start of the clay court season, Divadal stock went up and Mr. Federer’s went down, way down. He failed to make it to any of the major finals much more win the title and saw his rival become an almost juggernaut in the sport. Mr. Federer hired Paul Annacone, former coach of the legendary Pete Sampras. Before taking on Annacone, Mr. Federer lost in the quarterfinals of the French and Wimbledon. However, when he took on Annac0ne, his game seemed to have picked up but yet again he failed to get to the US Open finals losing to D’Joker Harlequeen.

Mr. Federer and Paul Annacone

Now back to the Australian Open 2011, Mr. Federer came here with much confidence. He was superb in his play after the US Open, beating all the top players along the way. Although he lost to Beetlejuice and Lochness Monster with lackluster play. He started off this year with a win in Doha. However, it was clear from the 2nd round that he was off balance. Mr. Federer is a brilliant tennis player by any stretch of the imagination and he is filled with gifts and tennis resources beyond belief. Nonetheless, his matches here always left you thinking “WTF Fed?” even when the scoresheet says he won convincingly. His shot selections and on court decisions seemed like they were coming from another place or perhaps another planet. It was like watching a Mr. Federer hybrid; it’s efficient but it’s just not as good nor fast as the old gas guzzler. Mr. Federer working with his C game here in Australia nevertheless made it to the semifinals to play D’Joker. You figured that he knew that his game had to be par excellence especially since D’Joker demolished Tomas “Lurch” Berdych in the quarterfinals. Mr. Federer might have had designs on defending his title but today the Federer Express had a breakdown in the middle of nowhere and all distress signals went unanswered.

Where am I?? Who am I?? What am I??

I have seen D’Joker played since he came on tour. I am not a fan…of him as a person. I think he is brash, rude, uncouth in many ways with a spoilt child mentality not to mention a touch of the gay. Actual, make that a closet case but we not here for that. Nevertheless, he is a very good tennis player. As a matter of fact, had he played in a bygone era where Mr. Federer and Divadal did not exist, Novak Djokovic’s name would have been spoken with the same reverence as Rod Laver, Pete Sampras, Bjorn Borg, Andre Agassi, John McEnroe, Jimmy Connors, Matts Wilander and the likes. I would be lying if I did not say that he can play. He is stubborn, unapologetic, and willful, characteristics that I myself am known for. Couple of years ago, he changed racquets, as a matter of fact, I think he did after he won the 2008 Aussie Open. Many criticized and he suffered further scorn when he started to fiddle with his service motion. I never criticized him for that as I frankly did not care, his losses were Mr. Federer’s gain. However, come 2010, he beat Mr. Federer at the US Open and began to step up his game. He brought his country to Davis Cup victory for the first time and he has been swimming in confidence ever since. In a manner of speaking, he silenced his critics doing it his way and you have to give him credit for that.

Cover gurl! Put that bass in your walk...Head to toe! Let your whole body talk

Harlequeen I say No No No No No. Novak can you handle this? I don't think you can handle this! Don't be jealous of my boogie cause my body too bootylicious for ya!

Today in his match against Mr. Federer, it was evident. D’Joker was ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. It takes a lot to stop the Federer Express and today he expired the Swiss champion. He made him look like a fossil from an X-tinct era. The match started on even-keel in the first set. They were both coming up with brilliant shots and holding serve. Mr. Federer had a tiny chance to do something at 4-4 when D’Joker was serving but the Serb shut that down quickly. It is here that things got interesting for me because Mr. Federer became passive. I have long spoken about how I think Mr. Federer too can be quite rude and disgruntled on court, with the sort of attitude as if he is owed the match. He has a certain sense of entitlement. He allows himself to buy into his own hype. Anyway, things got to the tiebreaker and yet again he played loose shots and D’Joker was all to happy to take the points and the set 7-6.

Yes............

With the hiring of Annacone, it was suppose to make Mr. Federer more aggressive on break point chances and fix his backhand, which he always sliced causing it to get into the strike zone of the big hitters. However, I have been vocal since the American has been named coach because I do not think that he is a right fit for Mr. Federer. Of all the things that you know of Pete Sampras, was he known for his return game or his backhand? I rest my case. I am not saying that Pete did not have a good game. However, Pete and Mr. Federer have totally different games and whatever Annacone may have brought to Pete’s repertoire, I doubt it if he can help the Federer model. With Annacone, I am seeing Mr. Federer not even able to get those chances because he is making stupid errors; being too defensive or going for too much. He just never seem to be right at all. When he is winning, it seems, he is playing his brand of tennis not that of someone else.

Heyyyyyy. Remember me. I am gonna kick your @$$ today

Anyway, so in the 2nd set, Mr. Federer went up 5-2 adding that mix of defense and offense that he is known for. He was down an early break but won 4 straight games. However, at that point, it looked like I was watching Yugi-Oh or something where players can only do one thing at a time, you are either attacking your opponent or defending yourself but you cannot do both. Mr. Federer lost that winning strategy of his where he took defense and made it offense and knew when to go for his shots. He never got it together to make things really interesting.  He served for the set 5-3 but lost his serve and his way. He lost 5 straight games to the Serb. The Serb was now up 2 sets. Now I have to gave D’Joker Harlequeen his due, he played brilliantly. He had his moments and antics in the second set but when he saw that Mr. Federer was off, he seized the moment and did not let go. He had a raucous support band in the crowd whereas Mr. Federer could not give his Australian fans and this fanz anything to cheer about. I soon realized that Mr. Federer was not coming back from this journey. The wheels of his trains were coming off. He failed to play that aggressive baseline game he is known for. He kept losing the rallies, his backhand was flying all over the place, his forehand was being outmatched by his opponent who kept him pinned way behind the baseline. Most notably, his service game was horrendous in the second and third sets. He was having trouble getting his first serves in. Every brilliant play Mr. Federer came up with, D’Joker had a better answer and in the end was clearly the better man with a 7-6 7-5 6-4 victory. I congratulate, D’Joker Harlequeen in his victory and wish him the title on Sunday.

Mr. Federer has a lot of work to do. He really needs to look at tapes of this match and other matches and re-work his game.

Go home and play with your kids. You need new inspiration and a new sensation and gurl you definitely need a new hair do. No wonder you were all sorts of mess out there! Look at that nest!

 

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Aussie Open 2011 Update….LI NA is in the FINALS to face Kim

In Alexander Dolgopolov, Andy Murray, Australian Open, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Justine Henin, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Na Li, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Uncategorized, Vera Zvonareva on January 27, 2011 at 12:54 am

So I have been severely behind times with getting you up to speed but you should know that Divadal lost in straight sets to David Ferrer. Divadal is claiming hamstring injury as she sunk 6-4 6-2 6-3. Ferrer would face Lochness Monster who took out Alexandr Dolgopolov in 4 sets.

Weltering and in pain, the Divadal makes an early exit

Tonight would feature Mr. Federer vs. D’Joker which is set to be a great match. D’Joker took out Mr. Federer at the 2010 US Open semifinals and also in the 2008 Australian Open semifinals. I can hardly wait.

As we speak Na Li/Li Na came back from match point down to take out the number one player Danish Biscuit. She is going to feel this one for a while, the Dane but the Chinese kept her emotions in check and pulled through 3-6 7-5 6-3. She has definitely been a delight to watch this championship and RTFN is fully supporting the Chinese to win her first major especially if she plays Mommie Dearest. However, if Vera gets to the finals, it’s a tossup for us.

The First Asian to a major final

Not the dream women’s finals I would have picked but Mommie Dearest got through in straight sets over Vera Zvonareva 6-3 6-3. I really thought that Vera would have pulled through but the Belgian was too much for her to handle. I am happy to see that Vera is becoming a contender at majors and hopes that she keeps up the good work. However, we all know that Mommie Dearest can be a tough customer. She lost last year inexplicable in the 2nd round and is poise to win the championships on Saturday night. Hopefully Li Na/Na Li can create history by winning the crown.

Hopefully she changes this ridiculous outfit for the finals. Is she lactating on the court??

So the other major news is that Justine “Cheating Justine” Henin has retired for the 2nd time in 3 years. She is claiming that her doctors advised her to give up tennis because of her elbow, which she claimed was re-injured during her lost to Boynetsova aka Boynetsaurus Rex. Justine we not believing you and hopefully they ban you from the tour. This is going to mean another wide open French Open and I think the Serenanator is going to take it.

Forgive us if we seem less than interested this time around with your alleged retirement

 

Late Edition Aussie Open 2011: Getting us up to speed

In Agnes Radwanska, Alexander Dolgopolov, Andrea Petkovic, Andy Murray, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Francesca Schiavone, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Stanislav Wawrinka, Tomas Berdych, Vera Zvonareva on January 26, 2011 at 11:55 pm

We are so behind in the times that we are going to have to do a huge run through to get you up to speed. I know we had time off yesterday to get everything current. However, I spent that time sleeping. I cannot say that I know why the mayor decided to give the day off but I am not complaining. Anyway, for the most part, the blog is current. I am not going to do a day by day anymore because right now Lochness and Fiery Ferrer are locked in their semi-finals battle and last time you got an update, you were on Day 7. So I think the last time we spoke we had the Round of 16 to deal with at least the top half of the draw for the men and the bottom half of the draw for the ladies. Czech Petra Kvitova aka The Witch took out Italian Flavia “Penne Pasta” Pennetta 3-6 6-3 6-3 and move through to face the winner of the Vera Zvonavera vs Iveta Benesova, another Czech. Is it just me or does it seem like the Czechs have taken over the place? They are everywhere. As I said a couple of newzletters ago, Vera is swimming with confidence these days and she is eyeing that number one spot.

Vera and Iveta are as alike as fork and toothpick

She took on Benesova who compared to Vera look like a toothpick next to a fork. The Russian wasted no time in snapping her to bits taking the match 6-4 6-1. Watch out for Vera now because she is on a mission to win her first major title. The potential Mommie Dearest vs. Vera semi should be really good. They are 1-1 in the last two majors played and I think Vera beat Kim again at last year’s year ending championships. Anges Radwanska who is on borrowed life took out Shui Peng 7-5 3-6 7-5. Peng was hoping to join her countrywoman Li Na/Na Li in the quarterfinals for a repeat of last year Open when two Chinese players Li Na/Na Li and Zheng Jie made it to the semi but her fortune cookie was not saying that at all. The final ladies match up was Mommie Dearest vs. another Russian, Ekaterina Makarova. Things got interesting before the match even started when the chair umpire told Makarova that her clothing logo was in violation. See, Makarova had her sponsor’s logo attached to her breast front. The umpire informed her that it had exceeded the 4-inch square rule and she either had to change or suffer penalty. Sounds like a stupid rule but I mean you know how people love to see boobs and wish not for the view to be obscured. Anyhow Makaravo knew she could not afford to lose senseless points to Mommie Dearest so she had to leave the court before the match started and change. She would gave a valiant effort on court but unfortunately the Belgian was too good for her and lost 7-6 6-3.

The ladies quarterfinalists...Thank God there is no beauty section in this pageant because would have to declare a "no-contest" and send everyone home without a prize. Can someone call Harry Potter for that witch....gurl those teeth..we need to magic them away.

In quarterfinals action:
The Danish Biscuit (top left left) looked frazzled when she came on court against the Italian Schiabone (top right right) who took the first set 6-3 and was up an early break in the second set. However, the Dane proved to be the fresher of the two and took the match 3-6 6-3 6-3. Up next Li Na/Na Li (bottom left left) (I am really getting tired of reversing her name and I am so tempted to call her Chun Li but that might be all kinda ethnic insensitivity that I might as well call her Bruce Lina or something like that. I do not even want to begin to tell you Pam Shriver’s comments about the Chinese during her matches.) Anyway, the Chinese took on German Andrea Petkovic (bottom right right) who in each set started off very strong. However, Li was not going to be denied a chance to get to the semifinals for a second straight year and she rebounded to take the match 6-2 6-4.

Me no speak no German but me speak Hiedi Klum "Auf Wiedersehen"

Li vs. Wozniacki is going to be a good match. Wozniacki is a very clean hitter of the ball but she is very conservative and though her backhand, forehand and serve though very solid, they are not deadly weapons but she hardly makes errors. Li on the other hand is very aggressive and like the Dane, physically fit. However, though she will go for her shots particularly her forehand, which is hard and flat, she tends to be more erratic and can donate games and sets to her opponent. She too can be conservative and is content to get into baseline rallies. Neither player can finish points up at net which unfortunately Mommie Dearest and Vera can do very very well. On the other end of the spectrum, Mommie Dearest wasted absolutely no time in dispatching Radwanska 6-3 7-6 whereas Vera brought out her wand as she dueled The Witch and won 6-2 6-4. The two would face each other again in another major tournament. I would have to favour Kim because even though Vera is playing a good game, it is not good enough to beat Mommie Dearest at her best. Vera has to hope that Mommie has a meltdown or cannot find a sitter or else she be out of the tournament.

So the ladies semis are set. Danish Biscuit vs. Li Na and Mommie Dearest vs. Vera. My pick for the finalz would be Li Na and Mommie Dearest.

We get to the menz: I think I sent an update that saying that Robin Hood got captured by the Sheriff of Nottingham…well if I didn’t, Robin Hood was the surprise upset of the tournament by Day 9. He came out strong vs. Alexandr Dolgopolov, “the boy who looks like a girl that looks like a boy”.

This one.. Dolly...I think Jim Courier is trying to get a free feel...That's right Dolly, you move away and tell him that you need dinner first.

Anyway, the Swede took the first set 6-1 and he was on fire. However, the Ukrainian kept his composure and looked very cool, calm and collected on the court. I mean I thought that perhaps he had resigned himself to losing the match and did not want to throw a BF on the court…BF=bitch fit (You have to watch White Chicks people. Hilarious movie). Anyways, Dolly was going for his shots and playing within himself where as the Swede who perhaps had already written himself into the quarterfinals, was all over the place. He continued to stay way behind the baseline and was being pummeled. Dolly took the next two sets 6-3 6-1 but the Swede came back to make things interesting by taking the 4th set 6-4. However, it was a reprise of the 2nd set as he went back to playing non-aggressive points only to have Dolly dominate the set. I swear Robin Hood has this very pronounced limp in his walk added to the fact that he walks on the outside of his feet as if he has these massive blisters, which all make him appear as though one leg is longer than the other. Anyway, we not here for that cause there is no MD behind my last name, just a period. So anyhow, Dolly continued with his style of play that won him the 2nd and 3rd sets and took the 5th 6-2. No one saw this at all before the match but I sure as hell saw the Swede getting his @$$ whooped on court during the match.

Fcuking racquet, it's all your fault..Meltzer was melting on court

We are running out of time…so Jurgen Meltzer who was recently declared “Cuttie” here at RFTN took his namesake to heart and became a “Cutie Ice Cream bar” as he melted on court against Nessie Monster who just totally dominated the match 6-3 6-1 6-1. Dividal looked just as convincing as he played last year’s semi-finalist Marin Cilic. The Spaniard who said after the match that he is 100% and his fever has been cooled, was blazing on court against the giant Croat 6-2 6-4 6-3. I expected a bigger fight from the Croat but most of these giant players like Beetlejuice…I mean Monfils (I am trying not to get cut out here), Del Potro and Cilic are often fighting in too many 5 set matches earlier in the tournament against low level players to remain competitive when they face top ranked players. Another Spaniard David Ferrer aka Fiery Ferrer took out surprise 4th rounder Milos Raonic of Canada and though Milos took the first set, he could not sustain the momentum and lost 4-6 6-2 6-3 6-4.

The men's quarters...you get a mixed bag here in terms of looks

In the men’s quarterfinals, Mr. Federer looked impeccable against Wawrinka who took out Mr. Decker in the 4th round. However, you know I have been taking about Wawrinka looking more like a Wartank more than anything else. The boy is fat. Yeah I wrote it and I wrote that with steady fingers as I just finish eating ice cream. Him being fat caught up to him because Mr. Federer looked like he was still on the practice court against him. The wartank just looked out of sorts and out of shape on the court. His marvelous backhand could not save him and he went down 6-1 6-3 6-3. However, the real tennis clinic took place between D’Joker and Lurch. Now people had a lot of expectations for this match. However, what people did not expect was that the giant Lurch would have fell like a tree in the forest. D’Joker who is not known for being sympathetic was ruthless as he demolished Lurch 6-1 7-6 6-1. He would meet Mr. Federer in the semi-finals. This will be a good match as all of their matches in the recent past has been high quality from both players. I think Mr. Federer can pull it out because he lost to D’Joker at the US Open and he wants to be back in another major finals. Lochness Monster had a tough time dispatching Dolly but he did in 4 sets 7-5 6-3 6-7 6-3. Dolly should be really proud of himself. He handled himself admirably throughout this tournament. I expect to hear more good things from this fellowgal.

I whip my hair back and forth...I whip my hair back and forth...now I got a headache...I don't feel well...I'm falling and I can't get up

The real match of the day was the Ferrer vs. Divadal match. Now, Divadal does not lose to Spaniards on a regular basis and hardly ever does so in majors. As a matter of fact, he has only lost to one, David Ferrer, 2007 US Open quarterfinals and here they are again at another quarterfinal. Didaval was competitive early in the first set but then began complaining when he realized that Ferrer was ready to slam the door on his Rafa Slam. So like any good diva in moments of distress, you call upon D for Deviousness, I for Ingenuity, V for a touch of the Vapors and A for Amazing Acting Abilities.

Ohh...this is the big one... I am dying...the fever...the chills

You feign illness and get the trainer on court to try and slow up the momentum of your opponent. I know…I know there will be some or perhaps a few…well I think it’s just one person is going to be in my face about the matter. See I would have believed Divadal if I had not heard the excuses before and seen this play before. I believe him as much as I believe D’Joker when he says “I can’t breathe” but yet running like a horse on the court. He was hobbling around the court looking like a mess. I know I will get loads of “pounding” for saying that Divadal was faking it on court. However, understand, this is my impression. Most of the detractors would not be privy to any more information that I am. Divadal can put out statements whatever he wants but he is a sore loser in my book. That can be a great asset in a champion. However, sometimes, you have to give credit where credit is due. He lost 6-4 6-2 6-3. Whatever the case may be, he was being beaten. Look at RT, she had a broken vejayjay and she fought and what I saw from Divadal was just tanking and frustration. I saw no real grimace of pain and I should know about facial expression; I have been watching Lie to Me. Anyway, So Fiery Ferrer would be playing Lochness Monster and to be honest, I give Ferrer a fair chance in the match but we would see what happens.

Divadal in "pain"

Oh gosh turn off the lights...you are raising my temperature. I am not even going to wonder what that green stuff on his finger is but knowing Divadal, he likely to tell me it's gangrene and that he is now bleeding army green.

Anyway, this is just an update bit not a full out newzletter. Check out for earlier updates with more recent results.

Late edition Aussie Open 2011: Day 7

In Andy Roddick, Australian Open, Caroline Wozniacki, Fernando Verdasco, Francesca Schiavone, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Roger Federer, Stanislav Wawrinka, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tomas Berdych on January 24, 2011 at 6:44 am

So the Round of 16 got on its way “today” and with it signified the beginning of the 2nd week of the major. There were some really key matchups today so we would not really waste any time discussing other matters but get straight to the matches.

On the women’s side.

Thus far the cookie is wiping out her competition

Danish Biscuit is proving to be a really tough cookie so far this championship as she is on point to win her first major championships. She took out Anastasija Sevastova of Latvia a surprise 4th rounder in straight sets 6-3 6-4. I think I have long suggested my feelings about the Dane but I have to say that she is showing great toughness when it comes to majors definitely winning the earlier rounds and putting herself in contention. Na Li/Li Na was up against Victoria Azarenka who for the past two years was playing hot tennis only to meet up on a red hot fire Serenanator who overcame early deficits in their matches. As a matter of fact both players were halted by Serenanator last year on her way to the crown. However, there is no Serenanator this year. Thus, I was expecting a real nice match between these two players who are dark horse picks to win the championships. However, as is the theme of her career, inconsistency plagued the Belarussian throughout the match and the Chinese was only too quick to pounce on her taking the match 6-3 6-3. I am definitely disappointed with Azarenka. I did not care if she lost the match but I expected more of a fight out there. However, kudos to Li Na/Na Li because she is playing like a champion and she is ready to become the first player from China to win a major singles title.

Azarenka self destructing again at the Aussie Open

Maria Shriekapova was set to face Andrea Petkovic who benefited from Russ Troll’s retirement in the 3rd round. This match was built up by the press with much intrigue because Shriekapova needed to win and get herself back in major contention. However, I did not think this match was going to be much of a contest because Shriekapova has been playing rather sloppy tennis. Her ground strokes were all over the place, her timing was off and her serve was atrocious, throwing in double faults as if that were the object of the game. Petkovic got a very lucky break when RT pulled out and she was not going to squander the opportunity. She schooled Maria. It was almost like watching the 2007 Australian Open finalz when Serenanator blitzed her on the court. Petkovic was tearing her apart on the court. Maria had no answer and never before had she been so dismantled by a virtual unknown. You know Maria is number 16 in the world because her game says she is number 16 in the world not because of the 2008 shoulder surgery. She had nothing to resort to because Petkovic was not paying attention to the grunts and the screams and the hollering. She was simply playing her game. She took the match 6-2 6-3 and it was only the grace of a higher power why Shriekapova did not go down 6-2 6-1. Petkovic choked while serving for the match the first time allowing Maria to break and hold her next service game. However, the German was not going to be denied the match when she served for it again. She will face Li Na/Na Li in the quarters. After her match, the German did this sorta victory dance that I thought was somewhat tasteless…perhaps it is youthful exuberance etc but I was not really feeling it but as it was against Shriekapova I did not mind so much but it still irked me. She needs to stop that. Save that for the ridiculous German techno clubs. A even more interesting matchup however awaits her in the quarters against the Chinese. I am leaning towards Li Na/Na Li.

What the hell is this shite?? Looking like Gumby in Saturday Night Fever

"I suck big time!" Just don't swallow

The other women’s round of 16, Boynetsova vs. Schiabone, The battle of the last two French Open winners did not hold much interest for me to be quite honest. I mean it was basically a matchup for the ATP masquerading as WTA tour. I kid…I kid. The real issue is that I am not a big fan of either plus I figured Kuzie would have pulled this one out of the bag in straight sets. She came into the tournament in better shape and look ready to get her rankings back up in the top 10 furthermore, she beat her nemesis Cheating Justine in straight sets. What more of a confidence boaster the Russian needed? Oh yeah, she needed a change of citizenship. Kuzie came out flat against the Italian who took the first set 6-4. Now, you know I had said in the preview that I did not think that Schiabone had any business past the 3rd round but lookie here, she was in the 4th round and presumably winning at this point. Now, Kuzie came back out blazing in the 2nd set taking it 6-1 and started off the 3rd with a break. She was up 4-2 in the 3rd set. I was sure Kuzie had this in her man bag but you know she is Russian and she had to be dramatic about it. Next thing you know Kuzie got broken and we back on serve. I was like WTF Kuzie, you really like looking for more drama after the Justine debacle. Now the thing with Kuzie is that in these instances when she has the lead, it when she plays her worst tennis. I am sure I have mentioned this in the past that at all the majors with the exception of the US Open, there is no final set tiebreak. You have to continue play until you have a two game advantage past 6. So anyway, Kuzie was up 8-7 I think with Schiabone serving. Kuzie had triple match points. That’s right TRIPLE MATCH POINTS had Schiabone down LOVE-40 and the Russian T-Rex came up with plays from the Jurassic era when she wasted them all. She would go on to have three more match points to again squander them away. Schiabone did break the Raptor a couple times throughout the 3rd set but like I said, Kuzie was playing better when she was behind. Eventually though, Kuzie became extinct on the court as the Italian took her out 6-4 1-6 16-14 becoming the longest ever women’s grand slam match 4h 44mins. Kuzie should have won this match but all kudos got to the Italian for pulling through. Schiabone will play the Danish Biscuit. I am leaning towards the Italian but she might be tired after this exhausting match. So the Dane might have a slight edge.

The longest women's match in major history

In the men’s matches

Steady hands Mr. Federer!

Mr. Federer was playing Tommy Robredo of Spain. Spain I have to say has an almost virtual lock up on these championships. The menz are all over the place in the Round of 16 fielding 5 of the 16 men. Anyway, Mr. Federer is playing Tommy Robredo who Mr. Federer owns. Now tell me why is it that Mr. Federer being up 6-3 in the first set, lost the second 3-6? Mr. Federer seemed to be bored on court or something or losing his mind because he was making some mindless plays. I do know he is trying to make that backhand a formidable weapon in his arsenal but he is going for too much too often. Nothing was wrong with the slice backhand just that it was the only thing he offered up on that wing, which was problematic against the top players. However, Mr. Federer seems to be going for broke on all his backhands which are not producing the stellar results he expect. I have to admit my frustration with Mr. Federer but he pulled sets 3 and 4 out of the bag 6-3 6-2 and was on his way awaiting his quarterfinals opponent. Let me say again that I am not a fan of the Paul Anacone pick for coach but I would be willing to admit being wrong if I see real results, which thus far have not been entirely bad.

Tommy was getting fever from Mr. Federer

Two of the three remaining men’s quarterfinals were complete whitewash…well actually the 3rd was as well but I am saving the third for last. Anyway, Lurch completely dismantled Tabasco Verdasco who was looking more like mayonnaise on the court. Lurch was a virtual juggernaut on the court as he did no wrong and produced winner after winner throughout the match. Verdasco had no reply and did all that he could to simply save face and not go out without winning a game 6-4 6-2 6-3. I mean Verdasco has no business in the 4th round as he was suppose to be home after the 2nd round but Tanko Tipseravic certainly allowed the Spaniard to live for another day but I assure you, Lurch made Verdasco look amateur on court. It was a crucial beatdown.

Guess who is watching D'Joker's match instead of ex-boo? Tabasco Verdasco's game. Hmmm I guess death threats do work after all.

However, he was not the only Spaniard being spanked on court as D’Joker was giving lessons in cruelty. He was merciless against Nicolas Almagro 6-3 6-4 6-0. D’Joker really looked stellar and it should be a good match between D’Joker and Lurch who last faced each other at Wimbledon when Lurch took it to move to his first major finals. However, D’Joker has a 5-1 record against the Czech and I think the match against Tabasco Verdasco was the absolute best that Lurch can give. So I am expecting a tough match with D’Joker pulling through. And while we are on the subject of D’Joker, you not going to believe this harlequeen. So during his match, one he was winning convincingly, the umpire gave him a warning for illegal coaching violation. In the men’s game, you are not allowed any sort of coaching during the match. Now D’Joker and his coach were so much in conversation, they might as well had call for a timeout and pulled out the old clipboard with x’s and o’s. Anywho, so he got the warning. Now a warning is just that, a warning which carries no point penalty. So here is where it gets really cute from the D’Joker. During an interview, he is asked about the matter. He admits to the violation and said that it occurred on several occasions. However, “I do not agree that the umpire should have given me a warning. I should have been given a warning before the warning.” WTF? WTMFF? You want a warning for a warning? Queen please! Get the fcuk outta here. Anyway, he will face Lurch in the quarterfinals.

You just got schooled royally by a Harlequeen

In the final men’s Round of 16 match in the bottom half, Mr. Brooklyn Decker was facing Swiss Stanislav Wawrinka who took out Beetlejuice in the 3rd round. Now, Stan is a good player. He is a top ten player. However, Stan is a fat tennis player. He has a wicked backhand and looking at him on court, so is his backside. I say this not to be insulting but to be honest. Stanislav used to be a fit trim player. However, since marriage and child, he has added the daddy poundage. Anyway, he was on a definite confident high and though ranked 19 in the world he was a slight favorite to the pundits against Mr. Decker ranked 8 in the world. However, in my book, Stan was the overwhelming favorite because Mr. Decker in the previous three rounds did nothing impressive and Stan Wawrinka showed all the faults in the American blowing him off the court 6-3 6-4 6-4. Meanwhile, Wawrinka would face his countryman Mr. Federer.

I give up!

Now, we here at RTFN have long discussed the Roddick dilemma and made suggestions etc to the man’s game. However, Roddick aka Mr. Decker continues to be boneheaded. I mean that 4th round match was not sad because of the score line but because Mr. Decker got beat by an out of shape player and he did not put up a fight. Had Mr. Decker faced the other Swiss, he would have been served a high carb diet of triple bagel without cause or concern to his daily caloric intake. See, I would tell you the story of Andy Roddick. Now, Roddick is from good ole Nebraska and someone I am sure saw him and figured he would make a great athlete. I am also sure that he had neither the mind nor temperament for team sports because anyone who have seen that boy play know he is one selfish self-centered fool and loves the lime light. So someone suggested tennis not because he is naturally apt for the sport but because he is capable of playing the game and had the body type. With that came the problems because no one taught him the true fundamentals of the game. Yes he got the big serve and forehand. However, Decker being a jock is unable to learn the rudimentary of the game. He always looks unkempt, lackluster and without polish on court. He barely knows how to construct points and being 28, he is unable to learn how to learn new aspects of the game to improve his technique. In other words, you cannot teach this old dog any new tricks. Now he lives in Texas where education is so revered. Against Wawrinka, Mr. Decker looked like a spectator in his own match as he continued to make the same mistake over and over again and did nothing to both the Swiss. See the problem is not only Andy to share because commentators constantly propped up Andy as if he was the 2nd coming of tennis. They failed to point to his errors and bad ways.

Spectator at his own match

Now in all of Andy’s major losses as of late, the issue remains Mr. Decker’s return of serve game. For instance against Wawrinka, he never broke the Swiss’s serve but Wawrinka on the other hand just broke him once each set. Mr. Decker was 0 of 3 in break points for the match. What sort of top level player is not going to create more chances for himself? The real truth of the matter is that Mr. Decker hardly knows what he is doing on the court. Larry Stefanki would have better success teaching lab rats to volley because Mr. Decker does not want to learn nor is he willing to learn. If you look at Mr. Decker’s matches in particular when he is losing, you would see that he is exerting no real effort. He has given on the match and has become like a spectator in his own match giving me that look of “Alien Valley Gurl.” As much as I hate on Mr. Decker, I do not have genuine hateration for him. However, I do think that his small window of opportunity is gone. He can compete and 2009 shows us that he can be relevant at the majors. However, there are a lot of players ahead of him and seemingly below him who are capable of beating him and beating him badly. I think what Andy is doing now is just working to remain in the top ten. He does not see himself being able to consistently beat the top level players so is just trying to maintain and be content with being the top American man. Shame because the US does not have anyone in the wings to take over for this has been.

Giving me the Alien Valley Gurl look

BIG PICTURE SHOW

Hottie

Adios Amigo, we are gonna miss you. However, now that you are single...we are free to mingle

NOTTIE

You know all is not well when Schiabone is giving us more gurl than Kuzierex

 

MIXED BAG

This is Stan! Hi Stan! (Not even going to talk about them teeth. We not here for that. We on another hatereffic mission)

This use to be Stan back in 09

Stan got a new coach. Peter Lungren.

This is Stan today!

Let’s take that one again

Stan before new coach

Stan after with new fat coach.

FYI Wiki said that he has left his family as per his wife and their young daughter, so that he can devote himself to competitive tennis. He said he got like 5 years left in him. Hmmmmm from the looks of things, I think Stan is training for competitive eating and not competitive tennis. But we digress.

Suck my di....I mean my Richard itch!!!

Eat my kunst! (And before you all start having a tit-tie attack kunst is a real word.)

Out of control now! The Aussie Open is normally called the "Happy Slam" but I am going to dub it the "Gay Slam"

There is a word to describe what is going on here. "Docking" Not going to say anything else

WTF?? So it is free OB/GYN exam and Lemaz class on court now?

So does it still work? Can I see what it looks like? What happens if I touch it? Ooooooo Moral of the Day: Don't ever let a disability stop your sexuality! You go gurl

 

 

Late editions Aussie 2011: Day 6

In Alexander Dolgopolov, Andy Murray, Australian Open, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, John Isner, Kim Clijsters, Mikhail Youzhny, Rafael Nadal, Tennis, Vera Zvonareva on January 22, 2011 at 9:16 pm

So “today” is the end of Day 6 and this means that of the 256 men and women (including a couple boys and girls) who stepped up to the plate…well to the court for this year’s Australian Open, there would only be 32 let in the draw for Round of 16 play beginning on Day 7. So the wheat have been separated from the chaff and from here on end, it is time to walk the talk and talk the walk. Tennis is largely an individual sport and so for me, it requires 60% tough mental attitude with 40% true talent. Showing up on court with anything less than this combination might get you a championship here or there, but a player who comes equipped with this correct balance would see his/her name forever engraved in the annals of the sport. However, all that is beside the point when you all are awaiting the newz of the day. I know that I am way behind schedule so let us get up to speed.

Shout outs to faithful fanz BWil, Samz and Mr. Brown

However, before I go any further let me say BIG UP to the very faithful few who have been commenting on the blog, BWil, Samz and Mr. Brown. When RFTN makes it big, you all are going to the top with me. As for the rest who have not gone on the blogosphere, there is still time to get off my Hate List. Don’t forget that it does not take much to get this hater rolling.

So the ladies:
Much has not been said of Vera Zvonareva at this championships. As a matter of fact, this blog had labeled her in the past as “Vera ZvonaZero” because of her constant on-court meltdown. It was never a question of if she is going to breakdown but when during the match she was going to have a full-on cry or as Cam on Modern Family puts it, “a moment.” Did I mention that she’s Russian? Anyway in the past 8 months or so, Vera has got herself together. She had shown flashes of greatness in the past but 2010 was her year. She made it to two consecutive grand slam major finals and though she was deconstructed on the court by her opponents (Serenanator at Wimbledon and Mommie Dearest at the US Open), she made it to the finals, something 126 other women could not say at either event. She has now risen to Number 2 in the world and from the level of play that I am seeing from her at this championships, it is an accolade that she richly deserves. She played Lady Gollum, Lucie Safarova aka the girlfriend of Lurch. Lady Gollum is a tough cookie, inconsistent but can be tough especially as she is a left-handed player. However, Vera held her nerves and she played within herself. Vera does not have a particularly deadly weapon BUT like most Russians (with the noted exception of Maria Shriekapova), she has tennis technique down and with her surging confidence, Vera feels she can take on anyone in the world and win. She is not getting rattled at all on court and the moments in the past when you know she would be opening the tear ducts to let it flow on court, she is showing greater resolve and winning the crucial points. She took out the Czech 6-3 7-6. I did not have her as much of a contender but I am reconsidering my choice at this moment. Vera is looking hot and she is ready to claim her first major.

I'm number 2 in the world. That's right see my two fingers..one..two. I'm number 2 so you better recognize. BTW, since when K-Swiss became a major player in the sports apparel world?

Vera is on a collision course it seems with Mommie Dearest who she has met in the past two majors. Mommie Dearest was not looking her sharpest on court seemingly thinking about cookies, play dates etc etc as she fought past Alize Cornet of France who I hope is having a resurging career. France sorta needs some tennis hope because you know things are really going south for them when Amelie Mauresmo was their last great hope. No disrespect to France but you know Amelie was a huge choker and Mauresmo’s golden year winning two majors over Cheating Justine (Aussie Open and Wimbledon) in 2006 was an anomaly as a matter of fact, I am going to re-name Amelie Mauresmo Anomaly Mauresmo. But I digress…Anyway Mommie Dearest got through 7-6 6-3. Surprise! Surprise! Sam D’Stove Stosur (5) lost in straight sets 7-6 6-3 to the young Czech upstart Petra Kvitova (25) who you might remember got to the Wimbledon semifinals last year before losing to the Serenanator. This is somewhat of an upset seeing that Stosur has had a good 2010 and is now ranked 5 in the world. I mean she could not even get to the second week for her home crowd. Come on Sam, you can do better. However, truth be told about Stosur is that she is no more than an overrated doubles specialist. She is in her near late 20’s and spent a large part of her career circling the bottom but playing great doubles. She in the past couple of years decided to devote more time to singles and she and her booming serve has moved up the rankings. However, she has shown in the past a la French Open 2010 finals that she is not cut out for the big league. She is losing far too often to no-names and no one is afraid of her on tour.

D'Stove is no longer cooking but I have to give this lil emsemble another nod because it took great effort to feminize this hardware. Check out the lil peep hole accentuating the pecs...I mean the breasts. This my fanz is the epitome of Haute Couture! Kudos to Lacoste!

Anyways, in other wins, Another Czech took out a seeded player when Iveta Besanova took out 16th seed Anastasia long Russian last name (Pavlyuchenkova) in three sets 6-3 1-6 7-5 as Flavia “Penne Pasta” Pennetta took out Israel Shahar “Spearer” Peer the 10th seed also in three sets 3-6 7-6(3) 6-4. Quite disappointing I know for one particular fanz. Peers was not the only seeded player to exit early as Nadia Fatrova of Russia also lost to country woman Ekaterina Makarova 6-2 3-6 8-6. Agnie Radwanska the 12th seed who certainly had no business in the 3rd round as she feigned injury to disrupt the winning flow of Japan’s Kimiko Date-Krumm (Granny Dear) in the 1st round is through to the 4th round when she took out Romanian Simona Halep 6-1 6-2. Shuai Peng of China who I swear commentators on ESPN are calling Feng Shui is also through to the 4th round when she took out Japanese Ayumi Morita 6-1 3-6 6-3. The round of 16 for the ladies is now set.

As the bottom half of the ladies’ draw battle it out, the top half of the men are also at war.

Lochness Monster is on the prowl

Lochness Monster has been moving quietly through the draw as much of the attention is focused on Divadal, Mr. Federer and D’Joker. However, Nessie has had a bad 2010 at the majors coupled with the fact that he has dropped to 5 in the world. So you know he is looking for redemption and winning the Australian Open is a good way to do that. He is lurking in the shadows and his effortless victory over Spain’s Guillermo Garcia-Lopez 6-1 6-1 6-2 shows that he is a relevant threat. Nessie is on course to meet Robin Hood in the quarters and he too can be in the mix as he dispatched his Czech opponent Jan Hernych 6-3 6-1 6-4. Robin Hood hits a huge ball and he too is looking for his first major win.

Dividal seems to be in the Matrix

Divadal also won his match against Bernard Tomic of Australia whose loss ended all hopes for a host country victory as D’Stove wilted yet again in a match that she was suppose to have bloomed but anyway we talking about the menz. Divadal looked stellar in the first set which he took 6-2 but soon found himself broken twice to go down 0-4 in the second. Tomic was on fire as if touched by a Super Mario Bros invincible star as he got the Aussie crowd going blasting Divadal’s shots back at him with interest. He refused to be caught in Divadal’s game of rallies but instead go for his shots and end points quickly. For a moment, it looked like an upset was on folding during the night. Unfortunately, the invincible star’s effect does not last forever and soon Tomic was back to his regular ole self and Dividal laid down the law of being number 1 in the world winning in straight sets 6-2 7-5 6-3. In the press conference, Divadal talking about he was suffering from the lingering effects of the flu which he claimed to have had after he lost to Davydenko in Doha. WTF Divadal? That’s more than two weeks ago. If you are still suffering from the flu at this point, get the hell off the bloody court because you got scarlet fever or something of the sort. Though my mind tells me it is yellow fever, you lil scrotum. The nerve of this Spanish queen to be using such bullshite excuse. I mean seriously?? Fever? He might as well as had said he was having kittens or something because that’s just a pussygalore move for sure. This is why I am not a fan of the Spaniard. He is always with his excuses. If he had lost and said, well I was not playing well etc etc etc, the other player did nothing special. I would have been on board but he had the fever and lingering effects of a fever. Get the fcuk outta here with that garbage. Tomic just had a hot hand at that point during the game. That’s all. It is like in 2009 when he lost to Robin Hood at the French. He was running up and down all over the court, lost and came in the press conference..”my knee” Whatever! He did not show up at Wimbledon that year not because of the knee but because he was embarrassed. Divadal needs to grow up with his creepy looking self. No Divadal, you do not have a fever. You are just giving us fever!

How about we grow a pair??

In other wins, Austrian Jurgen Melzer who has been a sorta journeyman on tour but now enjoying a resurgence in his career especially at the majors, has moved through to the 4th round when Marcos Fatdatis of Cyprus retired from their match in the 4th set with a pinky injury. You read correctly. His pinky was hurt so he had to go home.

Fatdatis hurt his lil pinky. We should invite him over for a tea party

David Ferrer also went on through with a straight set victory 6-2 6-2 6-1. He is looking rather impressive this tournament and is showing why he is 7 in the world. By way of upsets, Alexsandr Dolgopolov of Ukraine in his first Australian Open took out Jo-Willie Tsonga 13th seed in 5 sets, 3-6 6-3 3-6 6-1 6-1 as did Marin Cilic 15th seed who took out John Isner of the US 4-6 6-2 6-7 7-6 9-7 (well this not really an upset but still Americans not happy with this one) and qualifier from Canada Milos Raonic who took out the 10th seed, 2010 US Open semi-finalist Mikhail Youzhny 6-4 7-5 4-6 6-4. Let’s just say that Youzhny represented Russia when he threw away a match that he should have won because he was up in the second set and served for it if I am not mistaken.

Anyway that brings us all square for Day 6. Don’t forget to

Hotties:

There is not much to really report by way of hotties but we would still feature some

How can I resist?

on his back too?? I mean come on..☺

Seems like they cannot resist either. I am about to catch a case! Where is my blade? I tell you these male fanz are aggressive this Aussie Open

 

 

I mean look at this…Tomas aka Lurch was not even playing today

Alize Cornet of France stretching her cornish hen. You go gurl...show us your heteroflexibility

Jurgen Melzer. He not a hottie but a definitely cutie....He can definitely get it!

Viewers’ Discretion and Indulgence for the Nottie List. In my defense I am going to say that the devil made me do it

Lucie Safarova giving me Lady Gollum

Precious? Where is my precious?

Petra Kvitova of Czech giving me a lil Anjelica Huston

a la Witches (I think I may have crossed a line with this one)

Mixed Bag

Alexandr Dolgopolov of Ukraine. A boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy

I think it is time Cilic invests in a jockstrap

Because he is all over the place...Here is one for the size queens

I think another cat is about to come out of the bag

What I am really worried about is not so much what that woman is doing or about to do between Fatrova's legs but more so what that creepy man is doing there. WTF? Does he fashion himself animal control or some kind of fireman looking to help a scared pussy out of a tree??

Fatdatis is trying to get himself some Melzer toast. See you later baby. I am going to go back to the room and clean up. So see you in an hour right? I would be wearing that lil number you love so much....yeah that one with the ...(girlish giggle). Yeah and we can try putting my pinky in your...so excited can't wait. Love you boo

NEW FEATURE HERE AT RTFN… NAME THE MYSTERY PERSON BELOW…SPECIAL PRIZE TO THE WINNER..
Answer MUST BE POSTED ON THE BLOG….(First person who posts)

I am so cold on this hot day. Who I am??

 

 

Aussie Open 2011: Day 5

In Andrea Petkovic, Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Australian Open, Caroline Wozniacki, Fernando Verdasco, Li Na, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka on January 21, 2011 at 9:27 pm

As I begin to write this, Day 5 at the Aussie Open is about to close with the last match about to start. RT aka Venus Williams is about to play Germany Andreas Petkovic. She got rid of that nasty looking dress from the 2nd round. Apparently the dress was inspired by Alice in Wonderland. I am not surprised because I am wondering who the fcuk thought it was a good idea to let the Madd Hatter design RT’s dress. I really think that dress should be down in the rabbit hole and never come out. Have the Red Queen light that shit on fire. I am not the only one pounding her for the dress. Some have said she got injured because her body was screaming to get out of that dress. However, I have to say that I am loving this new one.

WOW...Venus... Now this is how you make a fashion statement on court

RT is serving to start the match. And of course, she starts off with a fault and losing her second serve point. Here we go again. 15-30 and she is broken to start the match. Petkovic to serve to consolidate the break and is up 30-0. RT gave another piercing scream on the next point, clutching at her V and she has called for the trainer, walking to the sideline.

I think this time around, the cat got out of the bag

She has retired from the match. Venus Williams has retired from a major match for the first time in her entire 16 plus years career, in 251 matches. Yes fanz of Venus Williams, the dream is over yet again at another Australian Open, at another major. We are dying inside. I told you that it was a A Midsummer Night’s Dream. This is a shame and Petkovic is set to face Shriekapova in the Round of 16. Now I am loving me some Andrea Petkovic because here is Pam Shriver with her dumbself asking Petkovic ito make a funny report of tonight’s happening. Petkovic is a youtube sensation with her Petkorazzi. Petkovic showing more class than the veteran said to America, Hall of Famer, “this is not funny.” Thank you very much Petkovic for keeping it classy out there. There is not much more that RTFN can say about Venus Williams aka RT but I think this Australian Open, she has earned renewed admiration. RT would later say in her press conference that she thought that perhaps she could make it through another match. Cowardly Lion, aka Oracene Price (she is divorced and went back to her maiden name) said that she did not think RT was in good enough shape to be on court. For realz Ma, because I got more of RT than I needed to see but anyway I am not bashing RT. There is a lot more of this day that we need to discuss.

Adios RT. Hopefully we see you back on tour and on the winner's podium really soon. Meanwhile, make an appointment with a real hairdresser and get those buckshots in the back of your head fixed.

Now I do not see Carolina Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit winning this tournament but I have to say that the draw is very favourable for her to do so. She has not faced a single tough opponent. She has faced players who can be tricky but none with any considerable weapons on the court that can really bother the Dane. And that too is an issue for me with the number one ranked player because she does nothing considerable well but be consistent and can run. This in and of itself is pretty good as much of women’s tennis can be very sloppy. However, all this is beside the point right now… she faced Beetlejuice’s ex-boo or possibly current boo (though I do remember hearing her say that Beetlejuice is a playa. So I think they might have broken up. WOW. He a playa?? I am surprise he even got one girl much more tons more to even earn his playa’s card. They allow just about anyone in there now since I left. See the trick is when you are ugly is to find just one girl…just one single one and girls would be like “I wonder what he got and she wants?” And then they be all up on the man’s grill….) Wait I am digressing big time now. Back to the tennis. Anyways so Danish Biscuit was facing Cibulkova aka Cibuttkova (she got a big butt and I cannot lie) Cibuttkova can be a dangerous floater and she came out blazing but she allowed the moment to get to her and could not capitalize on her breaks. Danish Biscuit who has experience on her side now took advantage of the Slovak’s hesitation and ran away with the match in straight sets 6-4 6-3.

Is the Danish biscuit trying to give me Marilyn??

She is trying to give me Marilyn! Watch out for this number 1!!

In other matches on the women’s side, Boynetsova faced her old nemesis Cheating Justine who like I mentioned before has beaten the Russian 16 times out of their 18 meetings and in one of those lost to the Russian, Cheating Justine had to play two matches. In tennis, they would say that Boynetsova is Justine’s pigeon but in the realz world, we all know that Boynetsova also known as Kuzie is, for all intent and purpose, Justine’s itch. Anyway, Justine has not been playing particularly well and she just recently returned to the tour having been nursing an “elbow injury” Anyway Boynetsova came out on fire and the Cheator had no real answers as she lost the first set 4-6.

Not to worry, it's only Kizie and I own this itch!

However, the Belgian had no real worries because she has been here before with Kuzie. See Kuzie always races out front but is always reeled back in. In the second set much the same but only this time when Kuzie served for the match, she choked and Justine pounced on her prey. The match then denigrated into some of the sloppiest tennis I have seen in a while particularly from Cheating Justine who has a really great game. (I hate judiciously. Not because I dislike her means I do not respect her game. She really has game just no gamesmanship.) Anyway, Justine got it leveled at 5 games all and then I think Kuzie broke her to go up 6-5 and serve for the match yet again but she failed and they got into a tie-breaker where it was bad point after bad point. Kuzie had the momentum but she was playing as if she expected Justine to hand her the match. It was a bit painful to watch at times. But in the end, Kuzie sucked the least and got the match 6-4 7-6. Justine did not imagine herself going out like this but her ranking is going to drop considerably as she made it to the finals last year and is not out in the 3rd round.

I am nobody's itch you heard!

Maria Shriekapova continued with poor form to etch out another undeserving win. She is really showing no real court sense out there but just grunt her way through each match. As a matter of fact, her decibel level is way higher than her tennis ability. Nonetheless, she got through to the 4th round where she would meet Andrea Petkovic who is no easy customer in the Round of 16. I do not see Maria getting pass this one though she got a bit further than I expected. Francesco Schiabone made a fool out of me as she made it to the 4th round as well for I did not see her getting past the 3rd round. She would join, Li Na/Na Li who is a serious threat here down under, Victoria Azarenka also another dangerous player, and a virtual unknown even to me Anastasika Sevastova of Latvia.

Watch out for dangerous floater Na Li/Li Na

The Round of 16 match ups look like this:
Danish Biscuit vs. Sevastova (the Dane)
Li Na/Na Li vs. Azarenka (tough match anyone’s match though the Chinese is coming in with considerable confidence)
Boynetsova vs Schiabone (probably should be listed under the ATP instead of the WTA nonetheless this is the battle of the last two French Open champions..Boynetsova should win this one) and
Maria vs Petkovic (Petkovic my pick)

Anyway to the men’s

Mr. Federer continues to display a certain level of madness while on court. He is making really uncharacteristic errors and donating games to players who he should be in firm control of. I am not sure if he is bored, or perhaps trying to tweak his game for the later rounds against the top players but whatever it is, he needs to get his shite together because he is looking very human. On most days, Mr. Federer’s B game can beat near close to any and everyone. However, Mr. Federer is giving me his F effort on court and I am not feeling it at all. He is making me nervous and I do not like to be on shaky ground at all. He did get through the match in straight sets 6-3 6-3 6-1 but his opponent, Xavier Malisse of Belgium, a tour veteran, was fat. This was not meant to be rude to plus size people. There are many sports one can play even if one is plus size but tennis is not one of those sports.

Mr. Federer is playing somewhat off balance these days

Xavier Malisse aka as X-Man on tour looking a lil X-large and needs to do some X-ercise. Perhaps more on the tennis court than at the food court.

Mr. Federer would meet his countryman Stanislav Wawrinka who is also pudgy but nonetheless took out Beetlejuice in straight sets 7-6 6-2 6-3. Beetlejuice has once again gave an underwhelming performance at another major. He is a real waste and is sadly being given way too much credit and attention.

Yeah stay under the covers! No one wants to see your ugly face, you complete waste of talent

D’joker moved through quite comfortably against his fellow Davis Cup teammate Viktor Troicki who had to retire from the match being down 2-5. It’s funny that the top four favourites to win this tournament Fed, Divadal, Lochnie and D’Joker, all had an opponent retire during the match with the exception of Mr. Federer. Mr. Brooklyn Decker got through to the round of 16 with mediocre and sub-par tennis. He lost the first set 2-6 but picked up his game thereafter to take the match in four sets. His level of play most certainly is not up to those of the 7 men ranked above him and quite frankly several others who are ranked below him. However, once in a blue moon he can produce some really great results and play very good tennis such as 2009 Wimbledon as well as the North American hard court series in the Spring of 2010.

Mr. Decker with his ever famous deadpan/airhead face. Is anyone home?? Maybe he is channeling his supermodel wife on court

Other winners include Tabasco Verdasco who came back from the brink of oblivion in the 2nd round to thrash his Japanese opponent Kei Nishikori 6-2 6-4 6-3. Lurch aka Tomas Berdych was in stellar form against Richard Gasquet also winning in straight sets as did Spain’s Nicolas Almagro and Tommy Robredo who dropped the opening set but was in cruise control for the rest of the match.

So the Round of 16 (4th round) match ups for the bottom half of the men’s draw looks like this:
Mr. Federer vs. Tommy Robredo (Mr. Federer all the way)
Lurch vs. Tabasco Verdasco
(Lurch is in great form this tournament)
Mr. Decker vs. Wawrinka
(Wawrinka clearly has the edge especially if Mr. Decker allows him to set up that lethal one handed backhand)
Almagro vs. D’Joker
(D’Joker has this one in the bag. Almagro, though a good player, does not possess a great hard court game)

Big Picture Show:

Hottie…

Up close and personal

Wait did these scanky bitches steal my moniker? They pilfered my creativity. Where is my blade? Someone get me my blade because I am about to get all Freddy Kruger up in here!

 

There is absolutely no way one can deny that this is just fcuking HOT. Look at the hands. She knows what she's doing. Gurl you got skillz. You got your head in the game! We can't hate. We just have to appreciate and hopefully some of us can participate (though in my case, I'll you the numbers of people who I think could benefit from some tutorial sessions with you and then you come back and show me what they've learned. You got me right?) )

NOTTIES

Is Kuzie giving me Jurassic Park here??

I think she is!!

Hold up!

WOW wait a minute WTF? Is Boynetsova trying to give me a lil supermodel/beauty pageant action here. Well good for her trying to bring out her estrogen on court. An E for Effort.

 

And we paid her a compliment last time around and she throw it right back in our faces. Look at Francesco Schiabone

I know there are certain fanz who be loving them some Monfils but as he is gone, this is the last I be making fun of him...for the tournament of course. So you get a choice in re-naming him. Beetlejuice?

Lizard (Jesus Lizard)

I love Beetlejuice but he is definitely making the case to be called Gecko

Other PICS.

Wawrinka is carrying a lil extra something in his pouch

 

What happens when you cross

Big Bird of Sesame Street

and the Butler from Adaams Family, Lurch

You get Tomas Berdych of Czech Republic

 

I don’t know fanz but things are getting rather funny Down Under…

This is too much now...They are not a ladies' match. Where are the ladies? Or are men trying to level the groupies playing field?

Look at this one! He has it sunburned into his skin

Isn't that man wearing a yellow blouse? Ah mean I could be wrong but I don't think men t-shirts come like this. Those are frills on top right? Or am I confused and he is in fact a she?

From behind and in the public. I always knew he was a freak...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Take it out...Take it out!! More lube!! MORE LUBE!!!

I should mention that a fanz (though she did not post it on the blog) said that I might have gone a bit too far with Lady Hobbit when I said that she looked like she just ran away from St. Jude Children’s Hospital.

It was not my intention to offend anyone who has suffered, suffering or may suffer from cancer. It was only said to illustrate how unnecessarily pitiful this girl looks. Ever since I have seen this girl, I have asked her handlers to please let her grow her hair, add perhaps a tiny bow or two, some ribbons wouldn't hurt. Throw in a dress, a bra...make that a push up/padded bra and she be good to go. Oh yeah trim those hedges above her eyes and some earrings (no pearls)

Aussie Open: Day 4

In Andy Murray, Australian Open, David Nalbandian, Dinara Safina, Grand Slam, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Kim Clijsters, Vera Zvonareva on January 21, 2011 at 7:45 am

So by the time you read this, Day 4 at the Aussie Open would have been completed and Day 5 would be on its way. I have to say that there has been little exciting tennis and/or major drama to report other than what has already been reported in previous postings. They…tennis commentators, are really trying to generate as much drama as possible for this Aussie Open but there is not much going on. Things are mainly progressing as they should. Mind you, there are/were some hiccups but all in all, I say things are pretty much where they should be.

Where is everybody??

But anyway, before we get to the tennis issues, I need to deal with a few housekeeping issues. I know many people think that this newzletter is a lark and I agree that it was never meant to be serious. I set out to change the coverage of tennis and not that I think that I am some instrument of change but like Dr. King once said, “Be the change that you want.” or something to that effect.

Hey can I speak with you bit?? I'm serious here okay

Now I produce this newzletter, errors and all, at a great sacrifice to myself. I forsake sleep and social outings so as to make this happen. Now I know that I am not doing anyone a favor. No one asked for the newzletter to come to them or do they need it. However, the newzletter came out of a need to provide some sort of office or just life distraction, humor and things of that manner. I do not operate like a dictator who is unscathed by dissenting opinions or am I troubled by differing opinions. This publication has always been open to suggestions and comments. I say all this to say that I am not forcing myself onto you. I believe, that most people who have asked that it be forwarded to them, do have a genuine interest in tennis or at the very least, a favorable inkling for it. I know most people enjoy the picture show. It’s funny and that’s as much fun for me as talking about tennis. Anyway, the point is that I have not seen any real response of people going onto the blog and commenting etc etc. I find that a bit disappointing. It would take you no more than 5 minutes in between your facebooking while you at home. As a matter of fact, why not link it on your page as your status update. I do feel this newzletter is just as worthy of mention on your facebook page as what you are about to do, did do, done did or you do do. I have checked the blog http://www.realztenisfanz.wordpress.com and very little activity from the public. People complain that it is too long but no one is asking you for a critical response but just some sort of response would be nice. And I assure you that if you were to read the entire thing, you would be wishing that it never ends. I am not asking for praise; I assure you that I have my own personal fanz club to do that for me. However, I would really appreciate some feedback that’s all. I am done writing/speaking about this matter. Next step, action.

Congratulations to Andre Agassi for being inducted into the Tennis Hall of Fame this year. I can't stand the man but I do admire his legacy

So anyways, Day 4 at the Aussie Open was pretty much mild. On the ladies side, Mommie Dearest(3) faced Lady Hobbit aka Carla Narravo-Suarez of Spain. You might remember her as the mythical character that beat RT at the Aussie Open in 2009 2nd round. However, there would be no repeat of that inexplicable victory as Mommie Dearest kept her in check 6-1 6-3. BTW RT beat down Lady Hobbit at Wimbledon later that year I think as if she had stolen her favorite Gucci purse.

Just look at this!!! Is this worthy of international amnesty?? She looks like she just ran away from St. Jude's Hospital or something. (I am going to be in deeper hell for that one)

And while we are on the subject of Kimmie, I just have to say how much I felt Kimmie was being a lil itchy after her match. Now Australian Todd Woodridge/Woodsomething was interviewing her and Kimmie put the man on blast. He is a Hall of Fame doubles champion. So apparently he sent a text to fellow Aussie Renae Stubbs asking whether Kimmie was pregnant again. He added in the text message that his reason for thinking so was because her boobs looked bigger and that her face was more grumpy. First off, Kimmie is at her slimmest ever so I do not know why he thought she could be pregnant although he is right about her boobs. However, that’s what happen to women’s boobs when you can a man and a child going at them very regular. Kimmie can do all sort of splits and dips on the court. Don’t believe for a second that her giant of a basketball husband not taking advantage of her flexibility…but we are digressing. Anyhow, so the man sent a private text message to Stubbs who I am going to say ain’t no Ride or Die Chick…true be told, she really looks more like a cock but we not here for that. Stubbs is a snitch. And snitches get stitches. So in front of everyone, Kimmie asked the man about the matter during her on court interview where children are in attendance. Kimmie has a right be upset. However, it is not like the man published his assumption in a periodical or something. He asked a friend for some gossip. Now that is hardly worth public embarrassment. It does show that Mommie Dearest is really cut off the Ole Joan Crawford because this is how the ole school Diva would have played it. Shame on you Kimmie, you earning no points and favor at this publication. FYI she did apologize for the massacre of Dinada Safina. She said she was embarrassed. Whatever you Belgian Waffle. You have just given the girl a game. Let her win a service game or something or even let her break you. It would not have done you a thing.

See she does look meaner and look at them boobs, they sweating. Forgive the man if he not familiar with the ladies parts.

Vera Zvonareva(2) like I predicted had a tough time again Bojana Jovanovski as the young Serb came out of the blocks firing winning it 6-2. But there is a favourite saying of ours here at RTFN, “those with an injured leg would take an early lead” and Jovanovski did not disappoint. She just totally self-destructed on the court and the Russian just blew her off the court. Other winners include Sam Stosur(5) of Australia, Shahar Peer(10) of Israel aka Spearer (She is very efficient on court plus I was not a fan of the suggestion to refer to her as the Jewess Hammer) Italian Flavia Penne Pasta Pennette(22), Polish Agnes Radwanska(12) and Russian Nadia Fatrova(13) and Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova(16). There were three upsets by way of seeded players losing to lower ranked players as Spain’s Maria Martinez-Sanchez(26) lost to Alize Cornet of France (So happy to see her doing well again. A very talented French player) Russia’s Alisa “Klondyke Bar” Kleybanova(24) lost to Simona Halep of Romania as did her compatriot Maria Kirilenko(18). The “surprise upset” was Fivehead Jankovic(7) losing to Shuai Peng of China. Now Fivehead was up in the first set but just became unhinged on the court losing in straight sets 6-7 3-6. She was all over the place and I swear Peng was playing club tennis. Her shots were more suited for table-tennis than they were for the hard-court. It was ridiculous. Fivehead meanwhile has lost 7 of her last 8 matches.

I have fiveheads but I could not get one mind together out there on court

Shahar Peer...aka the Spearer

On the men’s side, things were about the same. ESPN commentators tried to make much out of Ryan Sweeting, (American by way of the Bahamas) and his match up with Divadal but you know how that one went right. Dividal was showing mercy with his 6-2 6-1 6-1 beat down. Robin Hood also closed things out in straight sets as did Jo-Willie Tsonga, Lochness Monster, Marin Cilic, David Ferrer and Jurgen Melzer. American John Isner also made it through to the 3rd round. Congratulations. It was a very regular day at the office for most players. However, there were some losers. Bernard Tomic the lone Aussie Men’s hope took care of Feliciano Lopez(31). Lopez was just totally listless out on court and allowed Tomic to get ahead in the match until he lost in straight sets. Lopez who is a far better player than his 31st ranking, played yesterday as if he were ranked 93. His behavior certainly did not seem that of a seasoned professional tour compared to Tomic who is merely 19 years old.

Aussie Bernard Tomic, the youngest man left in the draw at 19

Nalbandian who pulled off that major victory against Dingo Dog Hewitt in the 1st round was out of gas in his 2nd round match as he lost 1-6 0-6 0-2 as he retired from the match. I guess he spent too much energy against Hewitt. That’s really sad because he is a really good player.

Sweeting was a sitting rubber ducky for Divadal

I don't think you are ready for this jelly because my body too bootylicious for yah!!

Marcos Fatdatis...at least he isn't hairy making him an all unattractive bear

All that being said, I think the most interesting matchup of the bad was Cypriot Marcos Fatdatis vs. Beast Boy Juan Martin Del Potro of Argentina. Now I am not a huge fan of Delpo as he is called by many. I think he lacks a certain polish/finish and does not work to acquire this. He can beat the top players as shown in 2009 US Open. However, he continues to camp out way behind the baseline and whack away at the ball, which resulted in his wrist injury a la last year. To play at the top level you need to stay healthy and play smart tennis. I know others might disagree, power will win you matches and you might get a major, here or there. But history has proven me right on this end, it is finesse that makes you a legend and keeps you winning more and more. Pete Sampras had a huge serve but he won his majors at net (I know that would be classic example people might throw out to counteract me) So Delpo and Fatdatis were up to play and not surprising that Delpo lost. He is not ready for this level and Fatdatis is no easy customer and he pressed the issue and took advantage of the Delpo’s vacationing in “Melbourne” as Serenanator calls way behind the baseline. Delpo did win a set but Fatdatis took it in four. With this lost Delpo will fall in the rankings to about 400. Yes that far into the abyss. He is a much better player than this ranking but he needs to develop a better game plan.

Adios amigo

BIG PICTURE SHOW

 

The Danish biscuit taking up some cricket. Gotta give her some props for that

Resident nottie...Radek Stepanek aka Shark Boy

Oh my god, it is touching me...STOP IT....STOP IT..Im I am turning into stone...HELP!!!!

I, myself, am confused as to what it is

I dont know what it is that I am wearing. Can someone help me??

Sprinting off the mark

I guess he is from these crazy fanz

Hmmm...so he has no issue with a ball being in his mouth....and what do you know...I have a pair...

I know....I too am very excited by the prospect of our possibility

I have to say give Lacoste extra credit this time around for making D'Stove look more gentile/lady like in white

How about a hand job??

Fanz what you are looking is the beginning of a condition called "Gayamnesia" You may not find it in a text book but I assure you it is realz. But I would explain. You are drinking with friends of the same sex as seen above and things and people become hot and bothered and clothes start going with alcohol still flowing. Sudden urges to "whisper" soft nothings to your friends and tell them how much you love them. Then the next day...well..next day you "forget" but have a pain in the rear or a dribble that is thicker than spittle and an extra pep in your step. And if after the evidence you still don't know what happen as you are sandwiched between your naked friends, looking to quietly and shamefully exit the room/car/camping ground/motel/lawn area/beach/bar/bathroom, then you have "gayamnesia"

So if you don’t want to have an episode of gayamnesia…you might want to stay far away from

these people if you are a guy

 

or these fembots if you are a lady....Actually you might want to run far away because the one doing the push up is giving a lil Kathy Bates a la Misery vibe

A very dramatic Day 3 at the Aussie Open 2011

In Andy Roddick, Australian Open, Caroline Wozniacki, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Nicolas Mahut, Novak Djokovic, Roger Federer, Tennis, Tsvetana Pironkova, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on January 19, 2011 at 8:26 am

So Day 3 is on its way as I write this entry and of course there is drama and of course Russ Troll Doll Venus Williams is at the center of it. After being up 4-1, she seemed to have lost her way or her mind, which might be closer to the truth. She is playing some unknown player of course, Sandra Zahlavova of the Czech Republic ranked in the 90’s if I am not mistaken. Just checked, she is ranked 97 in the world. Russ Troll was dropping the ball short in the court having this lil Czech Minx believe that she can beat her and of course Russ Troll is giving her reasons to feel that way. She was making all sorts of mistakes on court, the most egregious being that bloody outfit she has on. I have seen some ugly madness on the tennis court in my years, but I think Russ Troll just completed the grand slam of bad outfit. WTF?? But anyhow I am not dealing with that right now. I know all the pundits were going on about how well RT looked in the first round but I knew that her play was sloppy and that she needed to work on things. So said, so done. She was all over the place but it turned out that it might have been an on coming injury as she might have pulled her groin muscle. I thought she might have broken her vagina with that blood curdling scream she let out while grabbing her nether region down set point. She hobbled off court to be treated after losing that first set 6-7. However, she came back playing gingerly at first but that lil Czech Minx finally realized who she was playing and got shut out in the 2nd set 6-0. As I write this, they are battling it out in the 3rd.

Ooooo Noooooooo. The cat is about to come out of the bag

Go back in...Get back in there you bad kitty kat

I know I hate on RT a lot but you know, I am a lifetime fan and I have stuck with RT through everything; the ups and the many many downs. However, I have to give her major credit here today. I kept my composure throughout the match in case you were wondering and my blood pressure stayed at the normal level. Anyway, despite the injury, RT is back on court battling. She is giving it her all, meanwhile you had Janko Tipsarevic of Serbia literally throwing the match to Tabasco Verdasco of Spain who was so on his way out of the tournament being down two sets to none and with the Serb serving for the match. It was crazy. The Serb literally refused to give any effort whatsoever. I mean here is RT with a broken vejayjay and she is on court playing and giving it her all meanwhile Janko is tanking the match because he lost match point because of his own follies. I hopes the ATP and the ITF fine that fool. He had that match on his racquet and I am talking about an easy easy easy shot, Stevie Wonder would have clocked that for a winner. However, homeboy was trying to be cute or something or perhaps show up Tabasco he got hoisted by his own petard and lost the point and apparently with it, the desire to play. Tanko lost the 4th set tiebreaker 0-7 and lost the 5th set 0-6. Totally inappropriate for this high level arena.

Trying to be cute at the net left this Serb with an ugly lost

Anyway, RT and Czech Minx are even 2-2 in the third. Hopefully RT can pull this one out of the bag. She is the lone American female left in the singles draw. Vania King got blown out by the Danish Biscuit 6-0 6-1. RT is now serving for the match…hold on to your seats people…we in for more DRAMA. 15-0 Venus…15-15..bad approach shot from RT with a winner from CM. 2nd serve…pressure…15-30. 2nd serve…more pressure..30-30…two points from the match again. 40-30 match point…no wait CM is challenging the serve and it was long…2nd serve 30-30….easy second serve from Venus…40-30….match point again….2nd serve again for match….wait for it…wait for it…you know its RT so a double fault is coming. So said, so done. Double fault!…The crowd is screaming for CM…Can you believe these bloody Australians? Deuce…another challenge from CM…..and the Czech Minx loses the challenge and has no more remaining for the match …Another match point for Venus…..and she did it with a body serve….Venus Williams showing great great resolve and a possible broken vejayjay has made it through to the 3rd round. 6-7 6-0 6-4. WOW I thought it was going to be 2009 again when she lost in the 2nd round to Lady Hobbit of Spain who is set to play Mommie Dearest in the 2nd round. Venus Williams, you are the Star Player of the Day! You did a great job and I am really proud to be one of your fanz. But do know that I would be hating on you when needs be. Just know that I hate on you with love. BTW You better get your game together for the rest of the tournament.

Have to give the Czech Minx some props though not a lot.

Anyway in other newz…Cheating Justine made quick work of her British opponent Elena Baltacha 6-1 6-3 and would join Victoria Azarenka, Dominika Cibulkova who use to go out with Beetlejuice (I speak the honest truth I got pictures to prove it too.) Maria Shriekapova who had yet another erratic match, Na Li/Li Na, Francesca Schiabone who also scraped through yet another match, Boynetsova and Andrea Petkovic are all also through to the 3rd round. Petkovic will face RT in the next round. Petkovic is a tough customer so RT better get her act together. As I write, watching Mr. Federer making uncharacteristic errors on court against the Frenchman Gilles Simon who apparently has a 2-0 record against Mr. Federer. Mr. Federer was two sets but kept donating his serve to Simon in the 3rd set eventually gift wrapping the set 4-6 to Simon.

Does he think he is in the Matrix or something?

They are now battling in the 4th set. It’s that bloody high flying backhand that is killing him following it up with some crazy forehand efforts. He looks like a completely different player in this match. I tell you, Day 3 at the Aussie Open is all about the drama. Anyway back to the ladies. Several other women made it to the third round but we not going to mention them because you don’t know them. However, I have to mention the losers, Marian Bartoli, the 15th seed aka La Petite Grosse who bad beat her 1st round opponent is out of the tournament (apparently she also got injured) as are Yanina Wickmayer, the 21st seed, Tsetvana Pironkova, the 32nd seed and Kaia Kanepi, the 20th seed. So things are shaping up on the top half of the women’s draw. Look for match ups such as Boynetsova vs. Cheating Henin who enjoys a 16-2 record against the Russia and RT match against Petkovic when they play 3rd round matches on Friday.

Why won't you just DIE ALREADY and let Mr. Federer through to the 3rd round

On the men’s side, it seems that the top men are struggling as D’Joker had a tough time against his opponent as he barely won the first set and lost the second. However, he reasserted himself thereafter and completely dominated the match. The same cannot be said of Mr. Federer at this point who is struggling with routine shots. They are all tied 4-4 in the 4th set. Everything is off and he cannot win a cheap point for nothing. He is down 0-40 at this point. 15-40. 30-40. Mr. Federer is making it look like work out here people. BLOODY HELL…Broken 4-5. Simon will serve to take the match into a 5th set. Mr. Federer is just all sorts of hot Swiss mess out here.

WOW is this Francesco Schiabone looking all lady like in pink? Miracles can happen. WOW. HUGE E for EFFORT

Anyway, Mr. Decker won his match comfortably today. Some might say he looked impressive but his conservative style of play is not going to get it done against the top players at all……15-0 Simon as he serves for the 4th set. 30-30. Let’s see what Mr. Federer can do here. 40-30 set point for Simon as Mr. Federer sprayed the forehand yet again. Deuce….my heart rate just went up threefold. Okay….back to other men’s matches. Beetlejuice just pulled out his match in the 4th set as well. Break point Mr. Federer. Deuce. Lurch aka Tomas Berdych won his match and is through to the 3rd round. He is looking impressive this tournament. Set point again for Simon. And we go to a 5th set.

WTF is going on in your mind??? Get it together

BLOODY HELL Mr. Federer, you were up 2 sets to love. WTF man?? Are you bloody serious with his crap!!! I cannot deal with this madness. Ljubicic won as did Wawrinka of Switzerland, Tommy Robredo who took out American Mardy former Whale, the 16th seed, who was very out of sorts on court (he has a thyroid infection it was later reported), Malisse took out Spaniard Montanes the 25th seed, Almagro of Spain also won as did Richard Gasquet of France.  Juan Monaco the 26th seed lost as did recent celeb Nicolas Mahut. Love 30 on Mr. Federer’s serve so you know he is getting broken in the 5th set. 15-30 now. Anyway, not much else to report. I swore this was going to be an easy morning. Now, Mr. Federer is trying to give me fever. 30-30 with an ace. Mr. Federer won the game and broke Simon to go up 4-2 in the 5th. Now he has 2 game points to go up 5-2. Fever… I have scarlet fever! 40-30 with a winner from Simon….Mr. Federer, you are killing me here……5-2 YES! Simon to serve to stay in the match now….

Yes...let's get this show on the road

Anyways triple match point Mr. Federer……15-40, Simon saved one. Saved two. 30-40. Deuce. Why is Mr. Federer staying so far behind the baseline? I have no idea…He better get things done now! 5-3 Mr. Federer to serve for the match. 15-0 Mr. Federer. 15-15. WTF with that stupid error?? 30-15 Mr. Federer. Two points from the match. 30-30. Mr. Federer again staying way behind the baseline instead of dictating play from inside the court. 40-30, Match point #4. Deuce….stupid drop shot landed on his side of the net. On BLOODY MATCH POINT YOU TRYING TO BE CUTE MR. FEDERER?? …WHY WON’T SIMON DIE ALREADY??? Match point #5 for Mr. Federer. Brilliant volley on second serve……MATCH MR. FEDERER OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Mr. Federer got it done 6-2 6-3 4-6 4-6 6-3. Mr. Federer needs to go back to the practice court and bloody Anacone better get that backhand together cause he not winning shit with that style of play.

That was a relief.....

Anyway not much else to report. RT was very mum about her injury saying that she had to keep herself together and you know Mr. Federer realizing that he got really lucky. I have to admit that towards the very end, he stuck to his game plan and the backhand was back on point. However, he needs that to be consistent. Meanwhile I have to say that Mr. Decker and his coach, Larry Stefanky are employing a losing strategy with having Mr. Decker go for slice/splice backhands instead of flattening out his backhands. That is only going to kill him in the later rounds. They really need to come up with a different something.  Anyway there is a very interesting ladies match up set for Day 4 at the Aussie Open between Bojana Jovanovski and Vera Zvonareva the 2nd seed. Don’t be surprise if there is an upset. That’s my match to watch tomorrow. …

BIG PICTURE SHOW..

NOTTIES

WOW Didn't think it were possible that he could uglier

The only illusion here is that she is delusional thinking that this hot mess with a scope of garbage looks good.

SERIOUSLY Vee?? You get a Grade Z

 

Now he is usually in the hottie section and there have been reports that he looks like another famous athlete

None other than Cristiano Rinaldo

But go back up to the Tabasco pic...Don't he look like Donkey Kong (Forgive me God. I might burn in hell for that one)

And while we are on the subject Ronaldo....Check he out, You can call it a European man purse/carry all/murse, all you want...but in the US of A, you are walking around with a bloody ladies' clutch. WTF?? WTMFFF??? However, I can't hate. You definitely working it and I am feeling the belt for sure!

Let me hear another man say, they can't find a beautiful girl again....However, rumour has it that Beetlejuice is swinging a huge racquet. You go Cibulkova! Tell them length matters to you and not just girth. And if I were you Dominika, there are some fanz who might just want to cut you. So watch your back, these itches be going wild for your man.

See what I am talking about gurl... these itches are FIERCE!! They would steal your man.

They even starting a riot for the man.....WTF? Look at granny trying to get her some. You go gurl...lady...ehhh.. granny. Granny say to tell you young itches to back up cause she got her A game. She post-menopausal and that means no PMS and no baby mama drama. You better hide your menz!

I think the whale might have just been harpooned

A lil girl-girl action

I got my eyes on you people... I better start seeing more comments and subscriptions to the site. http://www.realztenisfanz.wordpress.com

 

 

Aussie Open 2011: Day 2

In Andy Murray, Australian Open, David Nalbandian, Dinara Safina, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, John Isner, Kim Clijsters, Lleyton Hewitt, Melanie Oudin, Tennis, Vera Zvonareva on January 18, 2011 at 8:56 am

Hey fanz…This is going to be just a very short update so that you are kept current with the happenings at the Aussie Open Day 2. As we speak…well as I write, Hewitt is locked in a fight with David Nalbandian…I think they are going to go into a 5th set.

Hewitt vs Nalbandian

Now the much anticipated matchup between Mommie Dearest and Dinada Safina was a total let down. Last year Safina was the number 2 seed and now today she is lurking in the 70’s. Mommie Dearest showed absolutely no mercy in her 44 minute beat down as she served up to double bagels 6-0 6-0. Now I usually don’t say this but I think Kimmie was WRONG…WRONG WRONG to do that to Safina. Safina had no break points and won 16 points to Kimmie’s 51. It was cute last year to do that to Safina when she was having some issues but now, at a major, not even a game Kim…not even one. It wouldn’t have done you a thing to throw the gurl a bone. Instead you got greedy running around in your ugly green. Nah! You are not winning this Australian Open. God don’t like ugly. Safina, you would rise again. I am on your side. Kim, you all kind of Joan Crawford for that.

Another Chernobyl disaster. It's all in my head... it's all in my head.

Kimmie was working like a surgeon out there in her scrubs

Wait! Am I coming or am I going? I just got on this court a few minutes ago

Vera Zvonareva also easily dispatched her opponent 6-2 6-1 as did Sam Stosur 6-1 6-1. Other winners include Fivehead Jankovic who was coming off a 5 match losing streak, Shahar Peer of Israel, Maria Kirilenko of Russia and her compatriots Alisa “Klondike bar” Kleybanova and Nadia Fatrova. There is a young Serbian that we need to keep our eyes on, Bojana Jovanovski (In Serb…is that a language…well anyway…the J’s like German is pronounced like a Y) She won her match and home gurl got a really nice game. I saw her playing last week in Sydney and she was giving top players all sorts of fever. Losers: Ana Ivanovic who has enjoyed a resurgence of sorts towards the end of last year, hit brick wall as she was sent packing out of another major early. She lost 8-10 in the third set. Of the 6 American women who played yesterday, they are all out of the tournament including golden gurl Melanie “Dot” Oudin. Veteran Swiss Patty Schnyder also lost. We all know Patty for her wonderful hot mess hair over the years.

Ivanovic..wait for it...the tears are coming

Gotta love the tears

Hold up…Nalbadian just got broke while serving for the 4th set…so we might not get that 5th set just yet.

I am putting my back into it...

On the men side…the three top players, Divadal, Lochness Monster and Robin Hood all looked to be in stellar form although Divadal and Lo Monster’s opponents all retired from their matches in the 2nd set. However, there was no doubt about who was in supreme control of the match.

Don't worry you get $20K for the effort

Jo-Willie Tsonga just concluded his marathon 5-set match against the German Petzschner after being down 2 sets to love.

Baby Ali

What’s with these French men putting themselves through this much drama so early in the tournament? Beast Boy is back to his winning ways with a win over Dudi Sela of Israel. Sela who is like 5 feet and change almost looked like he was playing from the David vs. Goliath playbook as he was giving the Giant Beast Boy loads of trouble in the first set.  We are very happy to see the 2009 US Open champion back at majors. Other winners include David Ferrer of Spain, Marcos Fatdatis of Cyprus, Llodra of France (you only pronounce one L), Bernard Tomic of Australia, Marin “Praying Mantis” Cilic who took out Donald Young of the US, Jurgen Melzer (2010 French Open semi-finalist), Mikhail Youzhny (2010 US Open semi-finalist) and Thomas Bellucci of Brazil. The US had a good day with the men as John Isner, Ryan Sweeting and veteran Mike Russell all are through to the 2nd round. GO USA!

The beast might just have been awoke

Sela doing the Selsa on court???

And we will go to the 5th set with Nalbandian and Hewitt, which is the last match of the day. The Argentine just took the 4th tiebreak 7-1. Nalbandian is now off the court for a potty break. So I think we are all caught up now fanz. Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and post comments and hateration.

MIXED BAG PHOTOS

The Giantess stumbles

Lopez giving us some hottie action. I can see why Divadal was checking on this

And Nalbandian is up 5-3 in the fifth set. Hewitt to serve to stay in the match

Donald Young of the US

Look at these queens! Of all the men on tour, you go after the Monster. Disgusting. Giving all homos a bad name

Hmmmmmmm has security check this man out? BTW, was it Gay Pride Day in Australia yesterday or something? I mean these its homosexuals all over the place

He might be winning on court but he losing the hair. Time for Rogain

And Hewitt has broken Nalbandian for a 5-5 5th set…This thing is not over…Now Nalbandian serves to stay in the match 5-6….He had two break points but he lost them….

Nalbandian keep saying Allez Allez…I don’t get it. He is from Argentina and his family is German…What’s with the French?

Or is it Olé? Nope definitely ALLEZ… Hmmmm

Nalbandian had two game points and now he is down match point….WOW home boy serves and volley and got away with it… DUECE …..

MATCH POINT #2 HEWITT… DUECE….with a nice volley…ADVANTAGE NALBANDIAN with some good groundstrokes… GAME NALBANDIAN…6-6…I am so going to be late for work this morning…


 

ADVANTAGE NALBANDIAN to go up 7-6….DUECE….DOUBLE FAULT HEWITT…ADVANTAGE ARGENTINE… DEUCE… ADVANTAGE HEWITT… Nalbandian is leaving the entire T open for Hewitt to ace him continuously.

GAME HEWITT… 8-7. Nalbandian serving to stay in the match. I am not caring about this match anymore… I think Hewitt will pull it out…I would let you know in tomorrow’s edition…



Apparently I do care… Nalbandian serves for the match 8-7…15-love Nalbandian….15-15
30-15 Nalbandian… 30-30…two points from the match from the match…MATCH POINT Nalbandian…ooooooooo…9:04…not to worry I called my boss…MATCH NALBANDIAN with a lob WOW 9-7 in the fifth set… 3-6 6-4 3-6 7-6 9-7 and there are some disgruntled Aussie fanz… Nalbandian has revenge from his 2005 quarterfinals lost to Hewitt here in Australia….WORK TIME now..







 

 

Aussie Open 2011: Day 1

In Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Australian Open, Caroline Wozniacki, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Lleyton Hewitt, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka on January 18, 2011 at 12:58 am

We are ready! Are you??

So Day 1 has concluded at the Australian Open and in an effort not to be behind. We are going to get straight into the action. I cannot think of anything in particular I want to rant about at this moment but we all know that it does not take much to get this hater rolling. Maria was the first top lady up and she won her match 6-1 6-3 over a player who looks more like Ms. Piggy’s BFF than a player on the WTA.

Wait Ms. Piggy does play tennis too??

Nah...Ms. Piggy does keep in shape because she knows that big gurls got to be flexible if they want to keep their men...no wait their frogs

Although it was a straight set victory, Maria had ten double faults and had she been playing an opponent who was say 30 to 50 to 100 pounds lighter, she would have been out of the Australian Open for I believe a third successive year. She recently dropped her coach of ten years Michael Joyce and picked herself up a new one. Let’s see how this work for her.

Shriekapova with another bad color combination/coordination outfit. Looking like paint samples

Carolina handled herself against a Dulko who many figured could have given her issues…myself included. However, she got through. Dulko made way too many errors and the Biscuit got through 6-3 6-4. This is 15 straight 1st round victories for her at the majors. Venus Williams aka Russ Troll Doll played what some considered to be impressive tennis on the court yesterday when she took out the Italian 6-3 6-2. However, I was not impressed at all. The serve again was unreliable though her ground game was really good. If the Russ Troll not serving well, she is as beatable as a player ranked well outside the top 100. Yeah I know she is rusty but like I said, I am not going to give myself false hope thinking she can win this title with this style of play. There is a potential 4th round encounter between Shriekapova and Russ Troll but I am not sure if either might make it there in particular Maria. As for Doll Dress… I was not feeling it at all. The construction was totally off and it has this satinish sort of finish that I am not a fan of. Hopefully she unveils a new one for her 2nd round match.

She gets a D for this outfit...not feeling it..but played C+ tennis

Hmmm make that a D-

Cheating Justine played Sania Mirza of India and let me just say WOW…HOLY BLOODY WOW for Sania’s forehand…as a matter of fact, the way she was hitting that thing in the first set, it was more like a tenhand. She was blistering the Belgian around the court. That ball was heavy, deep and penetrating. Cheating Justine was on her back leg like the horse she is…I get your pardon. That was a bit much. Forgive me. Anyway Mirza was showing absolutely no respect for Justine and giving it her all. Mirza use to be in the top 40, but loads of issues kept her out both professional and personal. She eventually lost the match 5-7 6-3 6-1 but hopefully, she takes away positivity from this match and we see more of her around the tour. She is a very nice change up. Hopefully she can give Russ Troll the hook up and get her some better weave from her peeps in India because Venus is having an unbeweaveable time with her head for the past 3-4 years now.

Hmmm...Justine...take off the pink bit because it isn't adding a feminine touch to your manly physique at all

Sania showing her guns and missiles

Anyway Cheating Justine is onto the 2nd round as is Li Na/Na Li, Schiabone, Azarenka, Boynetsova, Bartoli who gave her Italian opponent double bagel 6-0 6-0, Vania King (Saw Clown), and journeywoman Jelena Dokic. Do you know that most of the women who are playing for Australia were not born in Australia, I think only Sam Stosur that comes to mind. I don’t get this. I mean this country produced Margaret Court who has 24 major titles and Yvonne Goolagon and they are struggling to find women. However, let’s consider the US, they are not in a better shape. Of the 6 American women who played yesterday, 2 won and four lost. Two of the losers were young Americans and they went out in three sets so there might be some promise…but just some. As a matter of fact, we have been hearing about their promise like forever. But you know what we say here at RFTN, “A promise is a comfort to a fool.” Anyways in the losing category, no real surprises and/or shockers but only two seeds fell of the 16 that played yesterday No17 Aravane Rezai and 28 Daniela Hantuchova. Jarmila Groth formerly of Eastern Europe or somewhere near there but who now plays for Australia also lost.

I'm ready to take on the world

To the menz…

Mr. Federer was just absolutely stellar playing his first round encounter. He won 6-1 6-1 6-3 against a very aggressive opponent, Lukas Lacko of Slovenia who a couple of weeks ago gave Divadal a 6-0 set. Mr. Federer was definitely serving notice that he should not be forgotten during this fortnight. D’Joker was also impressive and he too is serving notice that he can upset things at the top. He demolished his opponent in straight sets 6-1 6-3 6-1. Mr. Decker also won and he too looked in great form. Tomas Berdych also won as did Tommy Robredo, Gilles Simon, Richard Gasquet and Tabasco Verdasco.

I am this close to winning my first Australian Open title

As with the women, the seeded players pretty much played true to form. However, there were two upsets, that of Sam “The Grinch” Querry 18th seed and Nikolay “Smirnoff Vodka” Davydenko 23rd seed who both went out in the first round. There were several 5 set matches that took place on the first day, most notable, Beetlejuice and the Americans Mardy the whale as well as the Grinch. Beetlejuice was at the exit when De Baker of the Netherlands simply lost steam causing the Beetlejuice to pull through in 5 sets. See this is why I do not think that Monfils will ever win a major. Why is he battling with the likes of De Baker in the first round is unbelievable? He wastes so much precious energy instead on conserving energy for the later rounds. This was the first time in 11 5-setters that he finally won. The Grinch was just playing inconsistent throughout the match looking like someone stole his Christmas and now he is out of the Aussie Open singles. Mardy the former whale is battling illness but came back from a 2 set deficit and beat Victor Hanescu of Romania. This was a really good victory for him but I am afraid that he might not get very far as he appeared very lethargic and out of sorts on court.

The Grinch got his comeuppance and was sent packing

Anyway tomorrow, we have to look forward to Divadal’s first match on his way to his possible “Straight Slam” Mommie Dearest vs. Dinada Safina and that HUGE match up of Hewitt vs. Nalbadian…See you folks tomorrow.

MIXED BAG PHOTOS…hurray

Russ Troll Doll

How can I not hate on Venus when she is taking hair style tips from this??

 

Hotties…

Hate the outfit but it is showing off her best assets on the court

There we have it.. showing those Danish butter biscuits (NB biscuits are called cookies in America)

Yeah I work out... look at my guns...more like pistols but still dangerous (Frank Dancevic of Canada)

Hola...Me llamo Fernando Tabasco Verdasco y yo soy muy caliente

NOTTIE…

Without fail, it has to be Beetlejuice

2011 has not made this Beetlejuice any easier to swallow

Oooooooo even from this angle..scary

OTHER PICS

Oracene! Oracene channeling her inner lioness

I dare anyone to tell me that they don't look alike

It isn't a major unless the ladies are crying...Daniela being the first

Oooooo look at the kiddies..Hmmm I wonder where the Aborigine children are? Probably in the back out of shot

High Kick!!

Gosh I really hope that ball boy comes back quickly with the toilet paper

Trying to keep it cool

WOW...you gotta respect this homegurl

Just a bit much...just a tiny bit