Realz

Aussie Open 2011: Day 5

In Andrea Petkovic, Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Australian Open, Caroline Wozniacki, Fernando Verdasco, Li Na, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka on January 21, 2011 at 9:27 pm

As I begin to write this, Day 5 at the Aussie Open is about to close with the last match about to start. RT aka Venus Williams is about to play Germany Andreas Petkovic. She got rid of that nasty looking dress from the 2nd round. Apparently the dress was inspired by Alice in Wonderland. I am not surprised because I am wondering who the fcuk thought it was a good idea to let the Madd Hatter design RT’s dress. I really think that dress should be down in the rabbit hole and never come out. Have the Red Queen light that shit on fire. I am not the only one pounding her for the dress. Some have said she got injured because her body was screaming to get out of that dress. However, I have to say that I am loving this new one.

WOW...Venus... Now this is how you make a fashion statement on court

RT is serving to start the match. And of course, she starts off with a fault and losing her second serve point. Here we go again. 15-30 and she is broken to start the match. Petkovic to serve to consolidate the break and is up 30-0. RT gave another piercing scream on the next point, clutching at her V and she has called for the trainer, walking to the sideline.

I think this time around, the cat got out of the bag

She has retired from the match. Venus Williams has retired from a major match for the first time in her entire 16 plus years career, in 251 matches. Yes fanz of Venus Williams, the dream is over yet again at another Australian Open, at another major. We are dying inside. I told you that it was a A Midsummer Night’s Dream. This is a shame and Petkovic is set to face Shriekapova in the Round of 16. Now I am loving me some Andrea Petkovic because here is Pam Shriver with her dumbself asking Petkovic ito make a funny report of tonight’s happening. Petkovic is a youtube sensation with her Petkorazzi. Petkovic showing more class than the veteran said to America, Hall of Famer, “this is not funny.” Thank you very much Petkovic for keeping it classy out there. There is not much more that RTFN can say about Venus Williams aka RT but I think this Australian Open, she has earned renewed admiration. RT would later say in her press conference that she thought that perhaps she could make it through another match. Cowardly Lion, aka Oracene Price (she is divorced and went back to her maiden name) said that she did not think RT was in good enough shape to be on court. For realz Ma, because I got more of RT than I needed to see but anyway I am not bashing RT. There is a lot more of this day that we need to discuss.

Adios RT. Hopefully we see you back on tour and on the winner's podium really soon. Meanwhile, make an appointment with a real hairdresser and get those buckshots in the back of your head fixed.

Now I do not see Carolina Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit winning this tournament but I have to say that the draw is very favourable for her to do so. She has not faced a single tough opponent. She has faced players who can be tricky but none with any considerable weapons on the court that can really bother the Dane. And that too is an issue for me with the number one ranked player because she does nothing considerable well but be consistent and can run. This in and of itself is pretty good as much of women’s tennis can be very sloppy. However, all this is beside the point right now… she faced Beetlejuice’s ex-boo or possibly current boo (though I do remember hearing her say that Beetlejuice is a playa. So I think they might have broken up. WOW. He a playa?? I am surprise he even got one girl much more tons more to even earn his playa’s card. They allow just about anyone in there now since I left. See the trick is when you are ugly is to find just one girl…just one single one and girls would be like “I wonder what he got and she wants?” And then they be all up on the man’s grill….) Wait I am digressing big time now. Back to the tennis. Anyways so Danish Biscuit was facing Cibulkova aka Cibuttkova (she got a big butt and I cannot lie) Cibuttkova can be a dangerous floater and she came out blazing but she allowed the moment to get to her and could not capitalize on her breaks. Danish Biscuit who has experience on her side now took advantage of the Slovak’s hesitation and ran away with the match in straight sets 6-4 6-3.

Is the Danish biscuit trying to give me Marilyn??

She is trying to give me Marilyn! Watch out for this number 1!!

In other matches on the women’s side, Boynetsova faced her old nemesis Cheating Justine who like I mentioned before has beaten the Russian 16 times out of their 18 meetings and in one of those lost to the Russian, Cheating Justine had to play two matches. In tennis, they would say that Boynetsova is Justine’s pigeon but in the realz world, we all know that Boynetsova also known as Kuzie is, for all intent and purpose, Justine’s itch. Anyway, Justine has not been playing particularly well and she just recently returned to the tour having been nursing an “elbow injury” Anyway Boynetsova came out on fire and the Cheator had no real answers as she lost the first set 4-6.

Not to worry, it's only Kizie and I own this itch!

However, the Belgian had no real worries because she has been here before with Kuzie. See Kuzie always races out front but is always reeled back in. In the second set much the same but only this time when Kuzie served for the match, she choked and Justine pounced on her prey. The match then denigrated into some of the sloppiest tennis I have seen in a while particularly from Cheating Justine who has a really great game. (I hate judiciously. Not because I dislike her means I do not respect her game. She really has game just no gamesmanship.) Anyway, Justine got it leveled at 5 games all and then I think Kuzie broke her to go up 6-5 and serve for the match yet again but she failed and they got into a tie-breaker where it was bad point after bad point. Kuzie had the momentum but she was playing as if she expected Justine to hand her the match. It was a bit painful to watch at times. But in the end, Kuzie sucked the least and got the match 6-4 7-6. Justine did not imagine herself going out like this but her ranking is going to drop considerably as she made it to the finals last year and is not out in the 3rd round.

I am nobody's itch you heard!

Maria Shriekapova continued with poor form to etch out another undeserving win. She is really showing no real court sense out there but just grunt her way through each match. As a matter of fact, her decibel level is way higher than her tennis ability. Nonetheless, she got through to the 4th round where she would meet Andrea Petkovic who is no easy customer in the Round of 16. I do not see Maria getting pass this one though she got a bit further than I expected. Francesco Schiabone made a fool out of me as she made it to the 4th round as well for I did not see her getting past the 3rd round. She would join, Li Na/Na Li who is a serious threat here down under, Victoria Azarenka also another dangerous player, and a virtual unknown even to me Anastasika Sevastova of Latvia.

Watch out for dangerous floater Na Li/Li Na

The Round of 16 match ups look like this:
Danish Biscuit vs. Sevastova (the Dane)
Li Na/Na Li vs. Azarenka (tough match anyone’s match though the Chinese is coming in with considerable confidence)
Boynetsova vs Schiabone (probably should be listed under the ATP instead of the WTA nonetheless this is the battle of the last two French Open champions..Boynetsova should win this one) and
Maria vs Petkovic (Petkovic my pick)

Anyway to the men’s

Mr. Federer continues to display a certain level of madness while on court. He is making really uncharacteristic errors and donating games to players who he should be in firm control of. I am not sure if he is bored, or perhaps trying to tweak his game for the later rounds against the top players but whatever it is, he needs to get his shite together because he is looking very human. On most days, Mr. Federer’s B game can beat near close to any and everyone. However, Mr. Federer is giving me his F effort on court and I am not feeling it at all. He is making me nervous and I do not like to be on shaky ground at all. He did get through the match in straight sets 6-3 6-3 6-1 but his opponent, Xavier Malisse of Belgium, a tour veteran, was fat. This was not meant to be rude to plus size people. There are many sports one can play even if one is plus size but tennis is not one of those sports.

Mr. Federer is playing somewhat off balance these days

Xavier Malisse aka as X-Man on tour looking a lil X-large and needs to do some X-ercise. Perhaps more on the tennis court than at the food court.

Mr. Federer would meet his countryman Stanislav Wawrinka who is also pudgy but nonetheless took out Beetlejuice in straight sets 7-6 6-2 6-3. Beetlejuice has once again gave an underwhelming performance at another major. He is a real waste and is sadly being given way too much credit and attention.

Yeah stay under the covers! No one wants to see your ugly face, you complete waste of talent

D’joker moved through quite comfortably against his fellow Davis Cup teammate Viktor Troicki who had to retire from the match being down 2-5. It’s funny that the top four favourites to win this tournament Fed, Divadal, Lochnie and D’Joker, all had an opponent retire during the match with the exception of Mr. Federer. Mr. Brooklyn Decker got through to the round of 16 with mediocre and sub-par tennis. He lost the first set 2-6 but picked up his game thereafter to take the match in four sets. His level of play most certainly is not up to those of the 7 men ranked above him and quite frankly several others who are ranked below him. However, once in a blue moon he can produce some really great results and play very good tennis such as 2009 Wimbledon as well as the North American hard court series in the Spring of 2010.

Mr. Decker with his ever famous deadpan/airhead face. Is anyone home?? Maybe he is channeling his supermodel wife on court

Other winners include Tabasco Verdasco who came back from the brink of oblivion in the 2nd round to thrash his Japanese opponent Kei Nishikori 6-2 6-4 6-3. Lurch aka Tomas Berdych was in stellar form against Richard Gasquet also winning in straight sets as did Spain’s Nicolas Almagro and Tommy Robredo who dropped the opening set but was in cruise control for the rest of the match.

So the Round of 16 (4th round) match ups for the bottom half of the men’s draw looks like this:
Mr. Federer vs. Tommy Robredo (Mr. Federer all the way)
Lurch vs. Tabasco Verdasco
(Lurch is in great form this tournament)
Mr. Decker vs. Wawrinka
(Wawrinka clearly has the edge especially if Mr. Decker allows him to set up that lethal one handed backhand)
Almagro vs. D’Joker
(D’Joker has this one in the bag. Almagro, though a good player, does not possess a great hard court game)

Big Picture Show:

Hottie…

Up close and personal

Wait did these scanky bitches steal my moniker? They pilfered my creativity. Where is my blade? Someone get me my blade because I am about to get all Freddy Kruger up in here!

 

There is absolutely no way one can deny that this is just fcuking HOT. Look at the hands. She knows what she's doing. Gurl you got skillz. You got your head in the game! We can't hate. We just have to appreciate and hopefully some of us can participate (though in my case, I'll you the numbers of people who I think could benefit from some tutorial sessions with you and then you come back and show me what they've learned. You got me right?) )

NOTTIES

Is Kuzie giving me Jurassic Park here??

I think she is!!

Hold up!

WOW wait a minute WTF? Is Boynetsova trying to give me a lil supermodel/beauty pageant action here. Well good for her trying to bring out her estrogen on court. An E for Effort.

 

And we paid her a compliment last time around and she throw it right back in our faces. Look at Francesco Schiabone

I know there are certain fanz who be loving them some Monfils but as he is gone, this is the last I be making fun of him...for the tournament of course. So you get a choice in re-naming him. Beetlejuice?

Lizard (Jesus Lizard)

I love Beetlejuice but he is definitely making the case to be called Gecko

Other PICS.

Wawrinka is carrying a lil extra something in his pouch

 

What happens when you cross

Big Bird of Sesame Street

and the Butler from Adaams Family, Lurch

You get Tomas Berdych of Czech Republic

 

I don’t know fanz but things are getting rather funny Down Under…

This is too much now...They are not a ladies' match. Where are the ladies? Or are men trying to level the groupies playing field?

Look at this one! He has it sunburned into his skin

Isn't that man wearing a yellow blouse? Ah mean I could be wrong but I don't think men t-shirts come like this. Those are frills on top right? Or am I confused and he is in fact a she?

From behind and in the public. I always knew he was a freak...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Take it out...Take it out!! More lube!! MORE LUBE!!!

I should mention that a fanz (though she did not post it on the blog) said that I might have gone a bit too far with Lady Hobbit when I said that she looked like she just ran away from St. Jude Children’s Hospital.

It was not my intention to offend anyone who has suffered, suffering or may suffer from cancer. It was only said to illustrate how unnecessarily pitiful this girl looks. Ever since I have seen this girl, I have asked her handlers to please let her grow her hair, add perhaps a tiny bow or two, some ribbons wouldn't hurt. Throw in a dress, a bra...make that a push up/padded bra and she be good to go. Oh yeah trim those hedges above her eyes and some earrings (no pearls)

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  1. Can I just say that the Editor-in-Cheffe is back in action! You are giving these players fever; and most of them rightfully so. The only notable exception is Beetlejuice! You need to stop dogging the man. He is all sorts of sexual chocolate. And we all know that if the lights are off, even you would give him a whirl. Since he’s out of the open you said you won’t post about him but if you don’t take it easy on the man from now on then I will have to grab my blade!

    From the top, Venus is looking absolutely amazing in her tennis outfit. It’s like she was confronted by Clinton Kelly, Stacy London, and the 360 degree mirror after that last “outfit.” Venus was in desperate need of an intervention and it came at the best possible time. She was really scraping the core of the earth with the schizophrenic design of her Alice in Wonderland inspired outfit. Now that the clothes are taken care of she needs to hit Nick Arrojo’s cahir so that he can do something with her hair. Scratch that suggestion, the man charges several hundred dollars for a haircut that one can get at the Lemon Tree and on top of that he’s a big believer in not washing hair for three to four weeks at a time. Yeah, he’s skank-a-rific with his grease coated locks! I would just tell Venus to go to her sister’s hair salon. Like Serena did.

    The Danish Biscuit is looking very pretty in her tennis dress. I like the cut of it. That picture of Na Li/Li Na is scary. I would be sacred of encountering her in a dark alleyway with that expression on her face. But Ms. Schiabone, I would be scurred to meet her on a summer day in Central park at high noon. She’s just too much something. I don’t know what that something is but I get R.L. Stine-esque goose bumps whenever I see pics of her.

    I was smiling quite a bit on the subway while reading the latest post but I was giggling like a fool when I read the Fedrer vs. Malisse analysis. I think the editor should be thankful that the players in the WTA and ATP don’t know this publication because if they did, the bounty on the head of the person responsible for this publication would rival the GDP of some well to do Mediterranean island nation.

    Kuzie needs to do a paternity test because mama’s been telling her lies. And the fans at these games need Clinton Kelly, Stacy London, and the 360 degree mirror as well. Specifically the person wearing the yellow blouse! Even more shocking is Merriam-Webster’s definition of a blouse; a long loose overgarment that resembles a shirt or smock and is worn especially by workmen, artists, and peasants. Maybe he’s a working man exploring his artistic side by rocking a peasant blouse. And thanks for the disclaimer about St. Jude and Lady Hobbit. No matter what others say, you have a heart.

    Sincerely,
    Sam aka A Devoted Fan

    • WOW. What a reply! And we here at RTFN do appreciate the effort. However, you should know that you are not “A Devoted Fan” you are a “Devoted Fanz” As much as I do appreciate the hateration, I have to stop you from rolling over the bank with you and your lil Beetlejuice. You might need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. You can bring your blade all you want and try and cut me but I know for sure you would not catch me at the Beetlejuice train stop. “And we all know that if the lights are off, even you would give him a whirl.” Me? MOI? MIO? How dare you? How bloody dare you? You think I would ever allow myself to be with Beetlejuice alone in the dark? My asthma pump only clear up my lungs not resuscitate my heart. You would be needing a defibrillator up in there. I can endure heart break but not a heart attack. And in the daylight, is even worse. Let me be clear, there are many many players I would give a whirl, twirl, bus fare home and if they all that, they get to spend the night with a breakfast for champion in the morning or whenever we decide to get out of bed. However, I assure you that Beetlejuice ain’t one of those players. He wouldn’t get that pleasure nor would I endure such a horror!

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