Realz

Late Edition Aussie Open 2011: Getting us up to speed

In Agnes Radwanska, Alexander Dolgopolov, Andrea Petkovic, Andy Murray, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Francesca Schiavone, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Stanislav Wawrinka, Tomas Berdych, Vera Zvonareva on January 26, 2011 at 11:55 pm

We are so behind in the times that we are going to have to do a huge run through to get you up to speed. I know we had time off yesterday to get everything current. However, I spent that time sleeping. I cannot say that I know why the mayor decided to give the day off but I am not complaining. Anyway, for the most part, the blog is current. I am not going to do a day by day anymore because right now Lochness and Fiery Ferrer are locked in their semi-finals battle and last time you got an update, you were on Day 7. So I think the last time we spoke we had the Round of 16 to deal with at least the top half of the draw for the men and the bottom half of the draw for the ladies. Czech Petra Kvitova aka The Witch took out Italian Flavia “Penne Pasta” Pennetta 3-6 6-3 6-3 and move through to face the winner of the Vera Zvonavera vs Iveta Benesova, another Czech. Is it just me or does it seem like the Czechs have taken over the place? They are everywhere. As I said a couple of newzletters ago, Vera is swimming with confidence these days and she is eyeing that number one spot.

Vera and Iveta are as alike as fork and toothpick

She took on Benesova who compared to Vera look like a toothpick next to a fork. The Russian wasted no time in snapping her to bits taking the match 6-4 6-1. Watch out for Vera now because she is on a mission to win her first major title. The potential Mommie Dearest vs. Vera semi should be really good. They are 1-1 in the last two majors played and I think Vera beat Kim again at last year’s year ending championships. Anges Radwanska who is on borrowed life took out Shui Peng 7-5 3-6 7-5. Peng was hoping to join her countrywoman Li Na/Na Li in the quarterfinals for a repeat of last year Open when two Chinese players Li Na/Na Li and Zheng Jie made it to the semi but her fortune cookie was not saying that at all. The final ladies match up was Mommie Dearest vs. another Russian, Ekaterina Makarova. Things got interesting before the match even started when the chair umpire told Makarova that her clothing logo was in violation. See, Makarova had her sponsor’s logo attached to her breast front. The umpire informed her that it had exceeded the 4-inch square rule and she either had to change or suffer penalty. Sounds like a stupid rule but I mean you know how people love to see boobs and wish not for the view to be obscured. Anyhow Makaravo knew she could not afford to lose senseless points to Mommie Dearest so she had to leave the court before the match started and change. She would gave a valiant effort on court but unfortunately the Belgian was too good for her and lost 7-6 6-3.

The ladies quarterfinalists...Thank God there is no beauty section in this pageant because would have to declare a "no-contest" and send everyone home without a prize. Can someone call Harry Potter for that witch....gurl those teeth..we need to magic them away.

In quarterfinals action:
The Danish Biscuit (top left left) looked frazzled when she came on court against the Italian Schiabone (top right right) who took the first set 6-3 and was up an early break in the second set. However, the Dane proved to be the fresher of the two and took the match 3-6 6-3 6-3. Up next Li Na/Na Li (bottom left left) (I am really getting tired of reversing her name and I am so tempted to call her Chun Li but that might be all kinda ethnic insensitivity that I might as well call her Bruce Lina or something like that. I do not even want to begin to tell you Pam Shriver’s comments about the Chinese during her matches.) Anyway, the Chinese took on German Andrea Petkovic (bottom right right) who in each set started off very strong. However, Li was not going to be denied a chance to get to the semifinals for a second straight year and she rebounded to take the match 6-2 6-4.

Me no speak no German but me speak Hiedi Klum "Auf Wiedersehen"

Li vs. Wozniacki is going to be a good match. Wozniacki is a very clean hitter of the ball but she is very conservative and though her backhand, forehand and serve though very solid, they are not deadly weapons but she hardly makes errors. Li on the other hand is very aggressive and like the Dane, physically fit. However, though she will go for her shots particularly her forehand, which is hard and flat, she tends to be more erratic and can donate games and sets to her opponent. She too can be conservative and is content to get into baseline rallies. Neither player can finish points up at net which unfortunately Mommie Dearest and Vera can do very very well. On the other end of the spectrum, Mommie Dearest wasted absolutely no time in dispatching Radwanska 6-3 7-6 whereas Vera brought out her wand as she dueled The Witch and won 6-2 6-4. The two would face each other again in another major tournament. I would have to favour Kim because even though Vera is playing a good game, it is not good enough to beat Mommie Dearest at her best. Vera has to hope that Mommie has a meltdown or cannot find a sitter or else she be out of the tournament.

So the ladies semis are set. Danish Biscuit vs. Li Na and Mommie Dearest vs. Vera. My pick for the finalz would be Li Na and Mommie Dearest.

We get to the menz: I think I sent an update that saying that Robin Hood got captured by the Sheriff of Nottingham…well if I didn’t, Robin Hood was the surprise upset of the tournament by Day 9. He came out strong vs. Alexandr Dolgopolov, “the boy who looks like a girl that looks like a boy”.

This one.. Dolly...I think Jim Courier is trying to get a free feel...That's right Dolly, you move away and tell him that you need dinner first.

Anyway, the Swede took the first set 6-1 and he was on fire. However, the Ukrainian kept his composure and looked very cool, calm and collected on the court. I mean I thought that perhaps he had resigned himself to losing the match and did not want to throw a BF on the court…BF=bitch fit (You have to watch White Chicks people. Hilarious movie). Anyways, Dolly was going for his shots and playing within himself where as the Swede who perhaps had already written himself into the quarterfinals, was all over the place. He continued to stay way behind the baseline and was being pummeled. Dolly took the next two sets 6-3 6-1 but the Swede came back to make things interesting by taking the 4th set 6-4. However, it was a reprise of the 2nd set as he went back to playing non-aggressive points only to have Dolly dominate the set. I swear Robin Hood has this very pronounced limp in his walk added to the fact that he walks on the outside of his feet as if he has these massive blisters, which all make him appear as though one leg is longer than the other. Anyway, we not here for that cause there is no MD behind my last name, just a period. So anyhow, Dolly continued with his style of play that won him the 2nd and 3rd sets and took the 5th 6-2. No one saw this at all before the match but I sure as hell saw the Swede getting his @$$ whooped on court during the match.

Fcuking racquet, it's all your fault..Meltzer was melting on court

We are running out of time…so Jurgen Meltzer who was recently declared “Cuttie” here at RFTN took his namesake to heart and became a “Cutie Ice Cream bar” as he melted on court against Nessie Monster who just totally dominated the match 6-3 6-1 6-1. Dividal looked just as convincing as he played last year’s semi-finalist Marin Cilic. The Spaniard who said after the match that he is 100% and his fever has been cooled, was blazing on court against the giant Croat 6-2 6-4 6-3. I expected a bigger fight from the Croat but most of these giant players like Beetlejuice…I mean Monfils (I am trying not to get cut out here), Del Potro and Cilic are often fighting in too many 5 set matches earlier in the tournament against low level players to remain competitive when they face top ranked players. Another Spaniard David Ferrer aka Fiery Ferrer took out surprise 4th rounder Milos Raonic of Canada and though Milos took the first set, he could not sustain the momentum and lost 4-6 6-2 6-3 6-4.

The men's quarters...you get a mixed bag here in terms of looks

In the men’s quarterfinals, Mr. Federer looked impeccable against Wawrinka who took out Mr. Decker in the 4th round. However, you know I have been taking about Wawrinka looking more like a Wartank more than anything else. The boy is fat. Yeah I wrote it and I wrote that with steady fingers as I just finish eating ice cream. Him being fat caught up to him because Mr. Federer looked like he was still on the practice court against him. The wartank just looked out of sorts and out of shape on the court. His marvelous backhand could not save him and he went down 6-1 6-3 6-3. However, the real tennis clinic took place between D’Joker and Lurch. Now people had a lot of expectations for this match. However, what people did not expect was that the giant Lurch would have fell like a tree in the forest. D’Joker who is not known for being sympathetic was ruthless as he demolished Lurch 6-1 7-6 6-1. He would meet Mr. Federer in the semi-finals. This will be a good match as all of their matches in the recent past has been high quality from both players. I think Mr. Federer can pull it out because he lost to D’Joker at the US Open and he wants to be back in another major finals. Lochness Monster had a tough time dispatching Dolly but he did in 4 sets 7-5 6-3 6-7 6-3. Dolly should be really proud of himself. He handled himself admirably throughout this tournament. I expect to hear more good things from this fellowgal.

I whip my hair back and forth...I whip my hair back and forth...now I got a headache...I don't feel well...I'm falling and I can't get up

The real match of the day was the Ferrer vs. Divadal match. Now, Divadal does not lose to Spaniards on a regular basis and hardly ever does so in majors. As a matter of fact, he has only lost to one, David Ferrer, 2007 US Open quarterfinals and here they are again at another quarterfinal. Didaval was competitive early in the first set but then began complaining when he realized that Ferrer was ready to slam the door on his Rafa Slam. So like any good diva in moments of distress, you call upon D for Deviousness, I for Ingenuity, V for a touch of the Vapors and A for Amazing Acting Abilities.

Ohh...this is the big one... I am dying...the fever...the chills

You feign illness and get the trainer on court to try and slow up the momentum of your opponent. I know…I know there will be some or perhaps a few…well I think it’s just one person is going to be in my face about the matter. See I would have believed Divadal if I had not heard the excuses before and seen this play before. I believe him as much as I believe D’Joker when he says “I can’t breathe” but yet running like a horse on the court. He was hobbling around the court looking like a mess. I know I will get loads of “pounding” for saying that Divadal was faking it on court. However, understand, this is my impression. Most of the detractors would not be privy to any more information that I am. Divadal can put out statements whatever he wants but he is a sore loser in my book. That can be a great asset in a champion. However, sometimes, you have to give credit where credit is due. He lost 6-4 6-2 6-3. Whatever the case may be, he was being beaten. Look at RT, she had a broken vejayjay and she fought and what I saw from Divadal was just tanking and frustration. I saw no real grimace of pain and I should know about facial expression; I have been watching Lie to Me. Anyway, So Fiery Ferrer would be playing Lochness Monster and to be honest, I give Ferrer a fair chance in the match but we would see what happens.

Divadal in "pain"

Oh gosh turn off the lights...you are raising my temperature. I am not even going to wonder what that green stuff on his finger is but knowing Divadal, he likely to tell me it's gangrene and that he is now bleeding army green.

Anyway, this is just an update bit not a full out newzletter. Check out for earlier updates with more recent results.

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