Realz

Aussie Open 2011: The Final Edition

In Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Australian Open, Justine Henin, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Na Li, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Tennis on February 1, 2011 at 8:26 am

As I write this finalz edition for the Aussie Open 2011, I have come to realize that I have put myself through much in order to bring you the newz. Right now, my apartment is cold and whereas I should be under wrap, I am here working hard with trembling fingers to keep you informed. Now, before we head into the discussion, we need to address two very pertinent issues. You know I am going to be pounding you all again about not signing onto the blog and making comments. I would very much appreciate this. I have been told that I should create a facebook page, which to be honest, I do not want to do but if it can bring more traffic to the blog, I would try to get that done. Anywayz, there is really no excuse for there not being more traffic and activity on the blog. I know that there are many people who read blogs and prefer not to comment. Added to this, my blog is very specific to a sport that many people do not quite understand how it is scored and how it works…15-30 what?? HUH?? Nevertheless, this blog has worked really hard to make it so that everyone can enjoy something from each posting. Most of all, this is one of the few blogs in the world that encourages “hateration.” Now, I know many of you are haters though I suspect from soem of you it is more along the lines of envy but we not judging right now. I am a hater, always am and perhaps always will be. It is the plain and simple truth about the matter.

Own it

However, I hate judiciously. My tennis coverage is complete and controversial. However, what I say makes sense and for those in the know, they know that I am simply keeping it realz. I report the facts and if there is anything that sounds like gossip, hearsay and/or scandalous, I always, always put forward evidence making it more than mere conjecture and a little less than convincing facts. So moving forward, I ask you to claim your hateration and set it free on the blog….providing that you talk about what is on the blog. Anywayz that bring us to our next major point.

Does not take much to get this Hater rolling

I had thought that I had address this one in the past but I get the sense that I have to lay down the law again about the matter. That issue being about my credentials. Now I do not play tennis. I suck at it big time. To be perfectly honest, I do not even have a real desire to become a tennis player. Truth be told, I do not find the overall physical shape of the average tennis player to be appealing and something I would want to strive for. Now swimmers……that’s a whole other story. But back to the main issue: I can think of far more interesting things to do with balls on a court but we not here for that cause I would have to get a new rating system to talk about that one. However, in my defense I am a bad @$$ badminton player, which is close enough to tennis. Perhaps because I find shuttlecocks far more interesting butt again, we are not here for that. Anyway, my lack of traditional tennis skills does not in anyway bar me from being a tennis expert. As a matter of fact, I put forward the notion that it is precisely my lack of tennis skills that make me uniquely qualified  for this position and adds to my ability to be so effective in my analysis. Albert Einstein was a brilliant mind and an even more brilliant scientist. However, I have no doubt that he was not a great teacher. Have you ever wondered who Mozart’s teacher was or perhaps who his students were because he had many throughout his short lifetime? Do you know any of them? You know there is the saying, “Those who can, do. Those who failed, teach and Those who can’t, criticize” Well I have a new twist to offer, “Those who can’t, hate.” And that is precisely what I do. It is precisely my lack of tennis skills that make it possible for me to hate so vehemently and with such passion. Now, like I said before, I hate judiciously and I would challenge anyone, even so called professional experts to find fault with my analysis. I guarantee you that my coverage will stand the test of times. I love tennis. I love every single aspect of it. It is one of the few sport, that I can watch all day long. There is very little about the game that I do not understand and it is with this knowledge that I offer you the best coverage there is out there. I know some of you are grumbling about the blog and/or newzletter. However, you still read it and you find it entertaining. I offer that as proof that I am in fact very qualified to do what I do. And I would leave that there for now. So we get to the tennis.

Hate all you want but you know I speaks the truth

As this is the finalz edition we have two main matches to talk about.

The Women
First up Li Na/Na Li vs. Mommie Dearest…I called this match, “The Valley of the Dolls: China Doll vs. Cabbage Patch Kid” I swear Kim looks like one of those Cabbage Patch kid….I would off up proof soon enough…

Mommie Dearest...ehhh way too close..Gurl you need to get a lil pro-active about ProActiv

Sisters?? I think someone's mommy had been out playing in the vegetable garden....don't you?

Anyway, I have said from the very beginning that the Belgian Waffle is definitely favored to take the title. She got the skills and the expertise and with no Serenanator in the draw, she was the heavy favorite. Last year, the Belgian lost in the 2nd round to Nadia Fatrova, 6-0 6-1. This year, she is in the finals to face last year’s semi-finalist Li Na/Na Li. You know what, fcuk, I am just going to call her Chun Li because it is far easier that this Li Na/Na Li business plus, she was damn near kick @$$ this tournament coming back from the brink of death against the Danish biscuit and did some Spinning Flying Kicks to blow her off the court for her first major finalz. Anyways, I have said that though Li Na…Chun Li has a good game, it is not a great game and on paper, the Belgian Waffle should beat her.

Li Na/Na Li....is this the other other white meat??

Chun Li

Chun Li plays from the back of the court, which against Mommie Dearest is a losing effort. Mommie Dearest is a great defender and can retrieve nearly everything. She is flexible and loves to show her untanned legs as she does the splits on court. In the first set, Mommie Dearest started off with a quick break but the Chinese broke back and kept things honest. She took the first set 6-3. This was surprising because many expected Kim to take the set as she had not dropped a set all tournament long. Chun Li inexplicably beat the Belgian about three weeks ago in Sydney after being down love-5 in the first set and on Saturday night, it looked like another upset. However, Mommie Dearest in her hospital scrubs was ready for a long surgery and brought out her A game again. She took the next two sets 6-3 6-3. It was pretty dull for most of the match. Chun Li needed to come to net in order to finish points off, which was something she is not comfortable doing. Mommie Dearest was therefore able to stay within her own comfort zone as she is way better from the back of the court than Li is. And so Mommie Dearest won her first Australian Open, breaking the curse of say the last 5 Aussie Open women’s championships, where the person who won the first set, won the match.

Still lactating I see...you need to pump before you come on court

Suck on that Chun Li. You can keep the Sydney title and I would take the one in Melbourne

I wish I could offer you more on the finals but there was not much to really say about it.

Even for Kimmie it was a snooze

Come back Serena....we miss you!!!

I am extremely proud of Chun Li. This for me is not about country as it is about her own personal achievement. She said in her speech that despite people’s belief that she plays for China, she is playing for herself. You tell them Chun Li, you are hear to honour your father who was killed by M. Bison. Your motivation is fueled by revenge. I really hope Li continues to play well for the year. She is a good player and in recent past, the Aussie Open finalists have all gone to the way side, Cheating Justine (06) retired, Shriekapova (07) never had the goods, Ivanovic (08) have no explanation for this one but I suspect because she is cheating on Tabasco Verdasco and going after D’Joker who not only “family” but have girlfriend and her name is not Ana: Dinada Safina (09) it would be cruel to say more about this matter and Cheating Justine (10) she now retired again. I hope Chun Li breaks this curse.

Don't believe in your hype. Believe in yourself

The Battle of the Bridesmaids

Now I know this bridesmaid did not show up here in white! WTF she thinks she is! She needs to know her place like the one wearing that froggy green


Now I dubbed the men’s finals the Battle of Bridesmaids because D’Joker Harlequeen and Lochness Monster have had to play 3rd and 4th string violin to the Itzhak Perlman and Joshua Bell of Divadal and Mr. Federer. However, this year, for the first time in three years, neither Divadal nor Mr. Federer was in a major finals. D’Joker showed brilliant tennis throughout the tournament, losing only one set. She destroyed Lurch in the quarterfinals and tossed aside Mr. Federer for his 4th major finalz. Nessie on the other hand, had a far easier road to the final. He did not have to play anyone ranked in the top 6 as Robin Hood and Divadal were ousted before the quarterfinals and semifinals respectively. This was the perfect opportunity for Lochness Monster. He beat D’Joker in their last 3 meetings on hardcourt plus he was not playing Mr. Federer. However, from the two players this tournament, I knew that D’Joker was playing royal tennis, whereas Nessie was playing sub-par but it was always enough to win. His last two opponents before the finals were playing better tennis than the Scot. However, they were limited either by experience as in the case of Dolly or stature as in the case for Fiery Ferrer. Nonetheless, the match began. People had hopes for Nessie, they really did. However, those people I suspect do not read this publication. Murray as always looked tight at the beginning of the match but he fought off break points to keep things level. However, at 4-4, Nessie lost serve and the set 4-6. You would have thought that Murray would have shown some resolve at this point and make things interesting but NOPE, he was down 0-5 within the blink of an eye. Let there be no mistake, D’Joker was playing good tennis. However, he was not playing great tennis and Nessie should not have been down 0-5, 30-40 in any set at a major final. He was literally a point away from going down 0-6 in the 2nd set. I do not know how he made it out alive with 2 games because frankly, D’Joker had the shot to take the set 6-0. I watched this match twice and I swear Murray was tanking. I do not believe that he choked. This is not his first finalz and in his last two, he showed far better tennis than the garbage I saw Sunday. In the 3rd set, it was more of the same but he was able to break D’Joker twice BUT he quickly surrendered the breaks immediately his next service break. And before you knew it, the match was over, 6-4 6-2 6-3 with D’Joker having his 2nd major title and 2nd Australian Open.

This monster is more like a dragon...

As in Puff the Magic Dragon

By right he should be queen...Harlequeen did it again. I know I have been given flack about calling this one a closet case but as further evidence to bolster my theory: After his semifinal win over Mr. Federer, D'Joker Harlequeen said he would be in "bed with popcorn" watching the Ferrer vs. Lochness Monster match....Huh?? Popcorn in bed to watch sports? Hmmm I bet he is going to have his gal pals over to do nails too...

And here they are...Is he really wearing a singlet with another man's nickname inscribed on his chest?? This isn't call being a fan it is call being a fa...a bunch of sticks

Murray would later say that he felt better after this match than he did last year after his loss against Mr. Federer. Is he out of his mind? This monster must be delusional from eating too much seaweed or something. He only won 12 points off of D’Joker’s serve in the first 2 sets. 12, the number after 11 and before 13. In the last two sets, he won a combination of 5 games, 3 of which were service breaks. He was a breath away from being bageled and he felt better about this match. Murray did not win even a set because he did not want to win a set. He did absolutely nothing other there than was convincing of anything else. He was not the same player who I have seen before. As a matter of fact, it looked like a WTA player was on the other side of the court considering the weight of shots I saw out there. This was a most disappointing men’s finalz as it was at the French Open and Wimbledon last year. I was expecting to see them fighting it out like bridemaids over the bouquet and the tall groomsman without the lazy eye at a wedding. Instead, what I got was as exciting as two sorry @$$ itches drunk crying over the fact that they are 30 and not married. It was really a sad state of affairs and of course the ESPN commentators began dogging Murray. I have to come to the Scotsman defense here because, they cannot get on the Hater Express mid-journey. We not picking up passengers at this time. They have been loving Murray especially when he was beating Federer’s @$$ all of a sudden they got nothing but hate for the boy and while we talking about hating on Andy, they are showing no love for Andy Roddick, especially that Patrick McEnroe. Patrick McEnroe is a B-rated…wait I tell a lie, he is an E-rated player, who was coasting on his foul brother’s court tail, the John McEnroe. Mr. Decker stopped playing Davis Cup for Patrick and because Jim Courier is the new Captain and Andy said he would play for him, Patrick is having a tittie attack. Get off it! They should support their boyz even when they playing bad. I do not know why anyone would favor Murray in the big matches. Just look at his track record, look at him on court. He is always negative and running around like a spoilt child. The boy was on court screaming profanities (Meanwhile I heard no call for him to be fined or expelled from the tournament) He was even telling his own supporters to “Shut Up!” including his mother. Now had I said that to my mother, she would have scored an ace right in my face with her shoe but that’s another story. Murray is not ready for the big stage. I doubt it if he ever will be. He has never shown anything to make me believe he can be a major player or even number one. Like the other Andy, they are too complacent in the runner-up position. They have no guts and therefore, will never see any glory. Unfortunately for Murray, there is no window of opportunity for him to sneak in a major win. There are far too many players above and below him who are more capable than him.

Perhaps he should take up modeling??...I mean having his picture taken

Anyway, I am definitely down under with this Australian Open and I have to say that it was not nearly as enjoyable as last year’s. However, I would add that there are many up and comers on both the men and women side that I am eager to see develop this year in particular on the men’s side. Don’t forget to check out the blog http://www.realztenisfanz.wordpress.com and also to subscribe and comment. G’Day mate and enjoy the big picture show.

HOTTIES

Fiery Ferrer....Now where is beach...I wouldn't mind drowning in this ocean

And he loves kids too...

NOTTIE

Now I know she ain't serious?? Seriously?? Hello 911. I would like to call in an emergenc. You need to the fashion police out here quick. First off grandpa is shirtless....I know right...yeah and he got the boob action too. Ehhhh he is scratching his @$$...but there is a bigger emergency...there is some cow out here in the most hideous white dress on the beach with a trophy...She is scaring my children...my baby is screaming...Hurry send someone...

Now where is a shark attack when you need one. Who is her handler? I cannot believe that these pictures were approved for the internet. She done lost her mind, this Mommie Dearest

Other PICS

Now I know this mofo didn't just ask me to take then his Chinese take out order.

Oh so that is where he put his change purse unlike his friends who all have "murses" aka European men carryall. Ah...I just have to say that that shape isn't quite right at all.

There would a more complete picture section the blog later on but I would like to end on this note with one of my “favored player”

Is me or is it that Justine is looking a lil drag...

A lil Drag Race perhaps…
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