Realz

Prévu pour le French Open 2011(Roland Garros)

In Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, David Nalbandian, Dinara Safina, Fernando Verdasco, Francesca Schiavone, French Open, Grand Slam, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, John Isner, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka on May 22, 2011 at 10:56 am

Hey my loyal fanz, despite my bold promise to keep you updated about the going on in the world of tennis at the end of last Australian Open, I have failed to do just that. Life got in the way as well as I got rid of cable so I do not have a regular televised feed for my tennis fix. Of course I am resourceful and found ways around this. However, I neglected you and I humbly beg for your forgiveness. Although, I have to say that I did not hear any pangs of agony and pain associated with missing a loved publication expect from a sole fan (BW You get a huge shout out here!) Alas I guess my fanz had more important things to do than shout for monthly updates though as I sit here and write this, I am at a lost to think of what could be far more important that this prestigious publication. Anyway, I forgive you and I accept your apologies. May your faith and love for RTFN never waver again! I, on the other hand will make another promise to be more diligent about the newzletter and the blog. Over the summer months, I will be posting all back dated issues to the blog so you can read and see the growth of this illustrious newzletter/blog.

And while we are on the subject of the blog, I have decided to institute a change of sort. I will not be sending out printable MS Word documents to non-Azkaban email addresses (magical prison reference from the Harry Potter series. If you know the real truth behind the reference, it would make more sense). I am well aware that Azkaban prisoners do not have access to the real world aka no internet access and they welcome any newz about tennis. However, Azkaban prisoners must know that they are to log onto the blog when they are released or suffer the Dementors’ kiss. Anyway, for the Non-Azkaban fanz, you will receive an email with a link to the current post. You will then click on that link, subscribe to the blog, read the posting and comment at the end. I encourage you to be as hateriffic as you can be. I welcome hateration as you know I am a judicious hater. So enough about all this…it is too early in the tournament for me to rant and rave but give me time, you know it does not take much to get this hater rolling.

Bring on the Red Stuff...I am ready to get dirty

So to the tennis: I am so super excited about the start of this French Open because it promises to be really really good particularly on the men’s side. BTW I cannot believe that the last time you heard from me was at the end of the Australian Open in January. It is now May almost June…time goes by so quickly. Anyway the reason why I said I am so stoked about the menz is that the ladies despite Beyonce’s new single, The ladies “ain’t running this mother@#$%er.” Things are so bad on the tour that Maria Shriekapova won a Tier I title on clay a couple of weeks ago. Yes people, things have really gone to the dogs. The real truth of the matter is that the WTA (Women’s Tennis Association) for the past 12 or so years is only in business when that W equates to the Williamses (aka Venus and Serena aka Russ Troll and the Serenanator respectively) physically playing on tour. The minute either one of those sisters is out, that W quickly becomes Wishywashy.

They are the women's tour

Try as they might, there exist not one star in that much that can hold a candle to the Williamses. None of them have any real sense for the limelight but who knows; perhaps for the grapefruitlight they can do something. To make matters worse, is that none of them are particularly great at tennis to even create some genuine buzz; they are all as dull as dishwater including Shriekapova and Mommie Dearest who incidentally tried to copy the Serenanator by getting her leg/ankle/foot…okay, some part in that region injured. Anyway no one gave a rat’s toe much more a rat’s @$$ about the matter. Time magazine even made Mommie Dearest Top 100 influential persons in the world. Seriously?? Seriously Time?? I mean I do not know what is your criterion but I am absolutely certain that getting the other neighborhood moms in Jersey to switch to Apple & Eve juices instead of Juicy Juice for the lil rugrats should not qualify as influential on the global scale. I am just saying. Meanwhile, Venus and Serena’s off court activities have been documented ad nauseam. Serena had a blood clot, getting a record label, wearing a dress, wearing no dress, Venus is going to Fed Cup…oh wait she not playing…etcetera etcetera. They are all over the news even though they have not played in months, almost a year for the Serenanator, that one might have thought they were instrumental in the capture of Bin Laden (I couldn’t resist) or they had the solution to the American economic crisis (still could not resist).

I don't know this picture is sorta creepy like peeping Tom creepy

Maybe we should go back to being naked

Wooorrrrrrrk!!! It's like a sea urchin on a barrier reef! Only you Sernanator

Anyway, so to the ladies draw: For the most part in the more recent months, it has been Wozniacki aka the Danish Biscuit and Victoria Azarenka that have been dominating the air waves for women’s tennis. Oddly enough, I do not have a moniker for Azarenka as yet but I am sure that will change soon enough. Anyway these two have virtually won all the important titles between them. Vicky Barcelona, (let’s try this one out for size..nah not working for me either) has really shown some really good tennis in the past several months. Meanwhile Danish Biscuit is playing in nearly every single WTA tournament on schedule having already played 12 tournaments and it has not even been 6 months to the year. Most players play that many tournaments in a year. The Biscuit will soon regret as her body will ultimately pay the price. When Mommie Dearest for a time briefly took over the Number 1 ranking spot, the Biscuit seemingly got scured and decided to take the quantity route instead of the quality route for ranking points. Tennis is a grueling sport. It requires total body conditioning; every limb, organ, muscle, joint and fiber to be in tip top shape. If you want to be the best, then all those things have to be as fine tuned as the Vienna and New York City Philharmonic combines (could not resist this one either) Last weekend Biscuit’s body crumble as she pulled out a tournament victory. Why she was not resting her body for this most physical of all majors, I do not know but I do know this is the main reason why she fizzles at majors and has yet to win one.

But anyway, as for my pick, well, I truly think anyone can win it for the ladies. I mean last year who saw Francesca Schiabone winning the entire thing. However, I hope that Samantha “D’Stove” Stosur can win the major she should have won last year. I am again regretting that Elena “The Demented” Dementieva chose to retire at the end of last year. Had she not, I would have been backing her all the way. I would have even flown to Paris to make sure she did not get all “Demented” on court. But alas, that is another dream swashed.

Ahh Elena if only your exceptional beauty matched your mental fortitude as well as your serve. You would have been among the greatest in the game!

So I say you check out Mommie Dearest (Kim Clijsters) who will be looking for her first French Open title having made two finals in the early part of her career. She can definitely play on clay but she is coming into the tournament not match fit because of injuries, which will definitely hurt her. Others to watch are Azarenka who I hope does well at this tournament, Li Na/Na Li who incidentally lost first round in five tournaments I think after getting to the final of this year’s Aussie Open. She downgraded her husband from premier coach to some other guy. People, when you find a good man or a good woman, do everything in your power to keep them and treat them right by acting right also. Don’t be acting up because someone else thinks you are cute, all of a sudden you feel you are now “Ms. Universe.” Stop acting up Li Na/Na Li. Anyway she has been playing better since the clay season started so she might just peak at this tournament but gurl, leave the side piece alone and go back to your man. “A good man is hard to find” as much as I know you are thinking “A hard man is good to find.” Just remember that although “a new broom sweeps well, the old one knows the corners” if you know what I mean. Vera Zvonareva might also do well at this major as she shown herself to be a major title contender the last three majors. You know what is interesting; there are two former French Open winners in the draw, Boynetsova aka Svetlana Kuznetsova and Former Ms. Fernando Verdasco, Ana Ivanovic and yet no one is talking about them repeating as champion. Hmmmm. Nonetheless, at the end of the day, do we really care what’s going on with these ladies? No, not really. I am eagerly waiting for some superstar to step up on the tour. Otherwise, ladies, you will be relegated to Home Shopping Network (HSN) after hours for coverage.

Yeah at times you all be hurting my stomach too

To the menz…well to be honest, the story of the ATP for the last 5 months has really been, not so much about the men as it is about “a man.” Now I have long lambasted Novak “D’Joker Harlequeen” Djokovic in this finest of fine publication (Check the archives). I have minced no words in describing him. However, D’Joke is one me. D”Joker has since winning the Australian Open in January, simply has not lost a single match. To be more accurate, I think he has not even faced a match point against any opponent. He comes into the French Open a staggering 37-0. At this point, D’Joker Harlequeen should be dubbed D’Juggernaut Queen B because home boi…well home gurl has been unstoppable. He has silenced every critic and laid to rest every single foe including Divadal, Mr. Federer and Lochness Monster. As a matter of fact, D’Juggernaut has faced Divadal 4 times this year in 4 finals at Master Series no less and has trashed him convincingly every single time. D’Juggernaut is brimming with confidence seeing that he beat Divadal twice on clay, something he had failed to do once in the past. If he is not the favorite on this championship, I do not know anything.

It's all smiles and celebration for the D'Juggernaut

Seems as if Anna has found a new muse...I am not trying to be a hater here but are those "hate handles" I see?

However, beating Divadal on clay is a herculean task on a regular day, beating Divadal at the French Open, well one has to be downright gangsta to do that, ask Robin “Hood” Soderling. Nevertheless, Divadal comes into this French Open for the first time in ages not as the overwhelming favourite, that is not to say he is not the favourite; he is just not the overwhelming favourite. He is also set to lose his number one ranking if D’Juggernaut gets to the finals. What is also against Divadal is that he played four clay court tournaments coming into the French and made all the finals. He lost two of those to D’Juggernaut having not won a single set…don’t even think he had a set point. So he is now in Paris overworked and very overwrought. We will see how the fortnight progresses. First up for Divadal is the American Giant, John Isner.

The Bridesmaids for D'Joker's Wedding. Divadal and Mr. Federer are trying to put on fake smiles

So you may have noticed that I have not mentioned Mr. Federer. Well the real truth, there is not much to mention. Mr. Federer is still competing but is he contending, I think not. Mr. Federer is solidly the #3 player in the world but the gap that has developed between he and the top 2 (Divadal and D’Juggernaut) is almost as wide as the Nile. Mr. Federer is finding it next to impossible to make it to a final much more winning a tournament. To be honest, Mr. Federer is a virtual dark horse to win this tournament.

Doesn't he resemble that figure on his tee. I swear some alien force has taken over Mr. Federer's body, mind and tennis game.

Can you believe that, Mr. Federer, a dark horse? Maybe the world did end on Saturday 21, 2011 and so few got capture in the rapture that we did not notice (could not resist this one either). Mr. Federer has lost to the likes of Richard Gasquet (a cokehead) and Jurgen Melzer (an old man). Mr. Federer, the Federer Express has not just broken down, it has been derailed. You are becoming worse than NYC transit on the weekend. SHM in disgust. You better get it together. I do not want to have to treat you like how I have treated the Crackhead in the past. I do not want to get nasty on the web but I will if I have to cause you are Fcuking Up. Oh I just want to make a special mention for David Ferrer as being the other dark dark dark horse in this tournament. Anyway, I think this about leaves us all caught up for the French Open.

Mr. Brooklyn Decker fuming on court..doesn't he resemble this

Just slightly though 🙂

I should mention that there are some notable absentees as this tournament: Andy “Mr. Brooklyn Decker” Roddick, though not far from being a title contender in Paris, it is always fun to see him losing on the red stuff. More significant misses on the clay are Juan Carlos Ferrero, Tommy Robredo and David Nalbandian who is out with a fever…a fever? He pulled out like 10 days before the start of the tournament. He got typhoid or scarlet fever or something? On the ladies side, the Williams Sisters of course are out, Alisa Kleybanova aka Gloria the Hippo/Klondyke Bar and Dinada Safina too. It is really unfortunate about Safina as she was really stringing some quality wins together before sent back to the injury list.  Anyway, this promises to be a really good French Open.

But before I go, I think I wanna hate on Mr. Brooklyn Decker a lil bit seeing as he is not going to be around for us to hate on. I found these old questionable snapshots online. Now I am rarely ever stomped for words but these next shots are hmmmm…let’s go to the photos..

I am still trying to understand how it is that I am able to see this photo online. I mean shouldn't this and the negatives been burnt.

Is his racquet busted?? I think he broke more than a string here

Nah....this had to have been photoshopped...Can't be!

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