French Open 2011: Days 1, 2 et 3

In Alexander Dolgopolov, Andrea Petkovic, Andy Murray, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Fernando Verdasco, Francesca Schiavone, French Open, Grand Slam, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, John Isner, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Maria Sharapova, Melanie Oudin, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tomas Berdych, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka on May 24, 2011 at 12:01 pm

So welcome fanz to a recap of Days 1, 2 and 3 of the French Open 2011. I know, we are a bit behind at this early stage but I had to contend with illness and also I have to watch the actual matches which can be very distracting. Since I do not have access to Tennis Channel or ESPN on my television set, I have to watch tennis online, which means I cannot type and watch the match at the same time. You have to also remember that I have ADD or something in that same vein. Nevertheless, we are here now and ready for action.

DAY 1er (Sunday)
At the French Open, play starts on a Sunday instead of the usual Monday. The French decided to start on a Sunday in an effort to alleviate the pressure of completing 128 singles first round matches as well as several doubles matches in two days. I think this a really great move. However, there has been much talk this year that the event overplayed itself by scheduling a bunch of “Non A-List” or should I say “D-List” players and charged the fans full price. Now I looked at the schedule and there was not one single player who was ranked above 6 in the world set to play. Now for some, this might seem a raw deal but I can see why organizers decided to do this. They are trying to save the big guns for the “real two days of First round” since most people are use to coming out on a Monday and Tuesday for the 1st rounds of majors. And besides, David Ferrer and Jo-Willie Tsonga were up to play on Sunday and you know, I am not going to complain when they are bouncing around on court. The real truth is that I could care less about who played or not because I am not in Paris (much to my chagrin) and I love tennis so I would be happy to watch any of the professionals play. Anyway, we not here for that:


In regards to the ladies, Sam “D’Stove” Stosur was first up on Court Philippe Chatrier and as the 2010 finalist, she showed fine form, comfortably moving into the 2nd Round. She was soon joined by Julia Goerges (pronounced Yulia Gur-ges, German) Jelena “Fivehead” Jankovic (10) (we haven’t hate on her for a while. We have to fix that soon enough), Boynetsova and American Bethanie Mattek-Sands who joined fellow American Varvane Lepchenko when she defeated Italy’s Flavia “Penne Pasta” Pennetta (18). Julia Goerges is a name you might have to remember because home gurl from Deutschland has beaten the Danish Biscuit twice this season as well as D’Stove and has had a very nice overall season including winning a title in her home country. So she is a dangerous floater about the place. The only real shocker among the ladies was Shahar Peer of Isreal the 19th seed. However, she was dealing with an illness so we forgive her for the early exit.

Extra towel for the extra heads...I swear I could ski down that slope... Ahhhhh much better...

For the Men, David Ferrer aka “Fiery Ferrer” cruised to the second round as did Willie Tsonga aka “Baby Ali” Fiery Ferrer is definitely one to watch at this tournament as he could very well be a spoiler for someone at the French during this fortnight. Wawrinka, Mr. Federer’s doubles partner, recovered early after dropping the first set to win in 4. There were other winners of course but they not of real consequence, so we not going to waste space to deal with them at this time. However, I want to say that Ernest Gulbis of Latvia lost early at a major. Now, the reason why I mention him is that this guy has beaucoup beaucoup de talent and yet consistently plays inconsistently to end up in the fodder. What a waste!

Dear God, forgive me for skipping church this Sunday, but this hot devil Fiery Ferrer made me do it

DAY 2em (Monday)

Last year's wo(ndering if it's a) man's champion Francesco Schiabone. You got a problem with my stache?

Schiabone (5), 2010 surprise winner wasted absolutely no time in dispatching the Great American Hype, Melanie “Abby Cadaby” Oudin 6-2 6-0. I mean the French did not even finish their croissants et café before this one was done. Marion Bartoli (11) though injured pulled out a win in 3 sets. The Danish Biscuit showed no mercy whatsoever to the 40-year old Date-Krumm 6-0 6-2 as she moved into the 2nd round with Vera Zvonavera (3) Petra Kvitova (another to watch out for) Daniela Hantucova (28), Agnes Radwanska (12), Sania Mirza and Alexander Wozniak who will play Wozniaki in 2nd round. Last year’s quarterfinalist Nadia Fatrova lost in the 1st round to Australia’s Anastasia Rodionova.

D’Joker is coming into this year’s French Open as D’Juggernaut having showed some mutant like abilities as he dispatched of his first round opponent in straight sets, dropping just 6 games. Now some experts have said that D’Joker is likely to have tougher rounds than his rival Divadal. However, I actually think that it is the other way around. D’Joker has that aura of invincibility working for him right now and will surely breeze through the earlier rounds. Things might get interesting for him as he enters the second week and even then, no one has shown himself capable of stopping D’Juggernaut including Mr. Federer. But you know what we say here at RTFN, “The game is won and lost on the field not on paper.” And speaking of Mr. Federer, he played Feliciano Lopez, former Mr. Dividal in the first round. Now several weeks ago, Mr. Federer almost lost to Lopez in Madrid, coming from match point down to win the match. Therefore, knowing how dangerous Lopez could be, Mr. Federer was taking no chances and closed out the match in straight sets 6-3 6-4 7-6.

Mr. Federer at the end of his legacy??

Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice was again exerting unnecessary energy in the early rounds of a major as he battled to the 2nd round.  His countryman, Richard Gasquet aka the cokehead, made his way to the next round in far easier fashion as he demolished Radek Stepanek aka Shark Boy. And speaking of Gasquet, I have a most interesting piece of gossip about him. However, I leaving that for another posting. We not here for that…at least right now. Anywayz, the match of the day had to be between Juan Martin Del Potro aka beast Boy and Ivo Karlovic. It was the battle of the giants as both men are at least 6’6” tall. Beast Boy, a former semi-finalist here in 2009 and returning to the tour after missing almost the entire 2010 season, dropped the first set. However, he came through in 4 sets. It was a really good match and even better that he is playing near his full potential. The only real upset came from Tomas Berdych (9) aka Lurch. Now Lurch made it to last year semifinaland was well within reach of the final when he allowed Robin Hood to get back into the match. On Monday, he showed a similar let down against Frenchman Stephane (you don’t pronounce the last “e” so it’s not Stefany but Stefan) Robert (Rowbeer). Anyway after winning the first two sets in convincing fashion 6-3 6-3, Lurch lost the next two in a similar style 2-6 2-6. He mustered some energy in the 5th set but the Frenchman with home court advantage pulled off the upset 9-7. Other winners include Serbians Victor Troicki and Janko Tipsarevic both very dangerous floaters. Neither is capable of winning the tournament but both can make life difficult for top players. A regrettable early lost is Milos Raonic of Canada who showed great play in the early part of the year but has fallen off badly on clay.

Au revoir Monsieur Canadien

Now before I move onto Day 3 I want to highlight an incident that took place on Day 2 when France’s Michael Llodra, seeded 22 (Mickel Lowdraw) lost his opening match to Belgium’s Steve Darcis. Now the Frenchman won the first set in a tie-break but this did not give him any momentum in the 2nd set. Now during the 2nd set, he became frazzled and complained of excessive movements in the crowd. Now Llodra, looking like something out of Jungle Book, decided to go further and take matter into his own hands.

Llodra of France

Or should I say King Louie of the Jungle

He felt that a guard was distracting him (though said security guard was allegedly behind him) and threw a ball at her. He actually threw the ball at her. The umpire, Moroccan Mohamed El Jennati then gave him a warning the act. Upon receiving the warning, King Louie decided that words will speak louder than action as he told the umpire that the crowd was like being at a souk, a commercial quarter in Arab cities. “We are not in a souk. We are not selling carpets in a market,” Jungle Book told the umpire after receiving his warning. Now, ordinarily, Llodra would not have even be given a mention in this publication much more a paragraph but I think today, he deserved some dishonorable mention. It was bad enough KL assaulted the guard but he added insult to injury by being culturally/racially stupid. Now, I bet you fanz are waiting for the punitive action taken by the French Open tournament against KL. Well you will be waiting in vain because they said that no action will be taken against Llodra. But the story gets better, Llodra said in the press conference that El Jennati was not doing his job and his warning was useless. Well his coach trying to do “damage control” said, King Louie used the word “souk” in the sense of a “brothel” because it was getting noisy in the stand and furthermore KL and the umpire are “friends.” You are kidding me right? I am in the Twilight Zone or have I been left behind after the rapture on Saturday. These people have lost their mind.

THEY FORGET ME!!!!!!!!!!!

First off, I do not know what sort of whorehouse that coach usually goes to, but I do not know them to be noisy establishments at all (Don’t be getting any ideas. I watched HBO documentary Cathouse. I do not need to pay for it just yet and I will not be going to a pussy farm even if I were paying for it. Granted at this stage, I should be paid for my skills but we not here for that) I think that coach is confusing it for a strip joint. Anyway, the more important thing about this story is the reaction to act. In 2009, when the Serenanator went into her tirade against the line judge for calling an incorrect foot fault, the world went crazy. She was penalized a point because she had a previous warning for foul language, which in essence cost her the match. Now, if you remember correctly, I spoke quite in depth about this matter as I highlighted the ensuing attention given to this matter was both sexist and racist in its dealing. The Serenanator, a black female, was fined almost $100k altogether (a fine substantially more than any in tennis history as well as other professional sports for similar and more egregious offenses) and put on a two-year probation. Some commentators, in particular NBC and ESPN very own Mary Carillo aka Mario Carillo spoke openly about how the Serenanator should have been banned from competing for some time.

Shout out foot fault, one more time! Say it! I dare you! I am gonna push this racquet so far up your fcuking @$$ you will be smiling strings. Fcuk with me again!

Now here is Llodra committing assault and being down right stupid and nothing, absolutely nothing happens to him. Furthermore, I do not hear a single call for any action to be taken against him. He even went on to be flippant about the issue in the press conference, a place where the Serenanator is crucified and no one called him out on it. Now I watch a lot of tennis and I do mean a lot and I have heard Andy “Mr. Brooklyn Decker” Roddick make numerous culturally insensitive statements on court (He once said of the line judges, as he losing a match something to the effect of “I don’t understand what they are saying. Speak English.” As well as tons of other male players including Mr. Federer, Divadal and Lochness Monster (Andy Murray) use profane language on court and NEVER EVER have they been fined or given a warning. There might be very few exceptions to this and right now, none come to mind. There is one noted exception when Richard Gasquet was IMMEDIATELY kicked out of Wimbledon first round when he ACCIDENTALLY struck a ball girl in frustration. And here is King Louie intentionally hitting another and he gets off scotch free. This is what I am talking about when I say the tennis establishment really needs to do a reality check and be consistent because in times like these, it shows itself to be just full of plain ole fcukery and bias. I will say no more for now on this matter. Llodra got two paragraphs and that is far more than he deserves.

DAY 3eme
Play on Day 3 begun on a rather somber tone as Virginie Razzano of France recently lost her fiancé to cancer less than a week ago. She decided to play in honour to him. We here at RTFN salute her valiant effort in the name of love. However, love did not lift her game and he lost to Australias Jamila Gajdosova formerly Jamila Groth (I think she called it quits with her husband but I will find out more on this matter later.)

Give me a moment while I catch myself. We applaud your strength Mlle Razzano

Maria Shriekapova, brimming with confidence from her recent title in Rome won her first round match in easy style as did Victoria Azarenka, Andrea Petkovic, Mommie Dearest, Na Li/Li Na, Yanina Wickmayer and American Vania King who took out the 22nd seed, Dominka Cibulkova, Beetlejuice’s ex-girlfriend. A slight upset also took place when Ana Ivanovic, the 2008 Champion lost in three sets to Sweden’s Johanna Larsson. Now Ana has been playing well as of late and even brought her ranking up to 20 in the world. However, as has been the case in recent for the past couple of years, she was bounced early from yet another major. I do not know what her real problem but I do think she might need to solve them soon enough or perhaps quit the tour and coach club tennis. Because at this point, she is really just taking up valuable space in the main draw.

Waterworks from Ana

On the men’s side, the biggest story was Divadal vs. John Isner, now dubbed BFG (Big Friendly Giant). Now before the start of the match, I was having a chat with a Divadal fan and I said that this match would be interesting considering Divadal’s current form. He laughed and said, “Yeah whatever! It is going to be one-sided in Nadal’s favor.” I said okay we will see and of course you know I was right about the matter.

I am gonna try and fcuk you up short stuff. Bring it on Skeletor!! I think these two might need a more private and intimate moment. I am bit scared to see the full picture.

Divadal is playing mediocre tennis as of late and his confidence at an all time low.  However, his style of play has allowed him to have a good season albeit not up to his usual standard. Nevertheless, in his match against BFG, he was almost bounced early, something that has never happened to him before in a major. BFG started out well and was using his booming serves effectively. Although he lost the first set 4-6, he came back from a break down and took the 2nd and 3rd set 7-6 7-6. Divadal was looking very lackluster. I know a lot of people have been talking about the Divadal’s serve but I have to say that I do not see the serve being the real issue. Now granted Divadal never had a great serve to begin with. He has beefed it up in order to contend at Wimbledon and the US Open but that is not where his major strength lies. He is an athlete and he will wear his opponent down with aggressive plays and deft shots. In his first round match, he was backing off his shots and seemed very doubtful of decisions. He was frazzled and looked very much out of sorts. BFG, had he had more confidence in himself and his game, he could have pulled off the nearly improbable. Divadal turned up the heat in the 4th set where BFG simply became more and more passive with each passing game. Divadal took in 6-2 and with an early break in the 5th squeaked by with a victory 6-4 in the 5th. Divadal cannot be feeling most happy with himself at this stage and he is showing himself to be very vulnerable. He is looking just like how Mr. Federer looked at last year’s Wimbledon; almost losing in the 1st round to Columbia’s Alejandro Falla and you know Mr. Federer did not pass the quarters. Though no one is willing to say it, I will boldly say despite the potential of looking silly, that I do not see Divadal hoisting this year’s French Open winner’s trophy.

Sheer luck and determination pulled Divadal through this first round encounter

In other men’s action, Andy “Lochness Monster” Murray won comfortably as did Jurgen Melzer, last year’s semifinalist and Alexandr Dolgopolov aka the Boy who looks like a Girl who looks like a boy. Sevearl players needed 4 sets to win such as Robin Hood who was simply sketchy in his play against American Ryan Harrison, Sam “The Grinch” Querry and Fernando “Tabasco Verdasco” Verdasco. Juan Ignacio Chela and Xavier Malisse also won as did Ivan Ljubicic.

So you are all caught up on the first 3 days of action. Day 4 coverage tomorrow will have you right in the thick of things….ENJOY THE BIG BIG PICTURE SHOW.

So we start off with our usual Hotties List

Oh... he sunburnt over his eyes only..I think that from staring at his hot self in the mirror

La La La This one is on fire!! Grigor Dimitrov

Up close and personal with Mr. Dimitrov

All I am going to say about this Frenchman is that I will definitely Baguette

Maxime Teixeira of France deserves a second feature. I love my baguette toasted if you please with fresh creme cheese on top.

Ahhhhhhh I need a cool down for sure.

Don't mind the sweaty pits, she's hot but doesn't she look like Classic Barbie?

Sister, Sister!

Victoria Azarenka is a hot real estate as she has business in the front and the back

Don't mind the freakish shoulders...check out her face

Fashion Nonsense

This lil pink number looks like throw up..

WTF?? Is she being mummified or something? Looking like she is wrapped up in pink toilet paper.

Is she wearing a du-rag and a bandana combo outfit?

Maria's new dress is suppose to be inspired from the Tour Eiffel. Seriously? That looks like..

This?? Really now! I think the dress more looks like this (see below)

I thourt I taw a puddy tat..

I did! I did

Is Mommie Dearest really serious with outfit; looking like a Cabbage patch kid who got jumped by Cookie Monster.

WTF Kimmie come on now??

And speaking of the blue monster

Why does this dress looks like Cookie Monster is either taking a dump or throwing up? Bloody ruffles on a tennis dress and the color ?? Stella McCartney, you have had your fun dabbling in fashion design. Put down the sketch pen now and walk away. I think you might want to take up guitar lessons from daddy cause fashion ain't for you.


Maybe you should put those lil water pistols away considering that some people are packing more heat that you

Yeah...she is packing some bazookas.

Gay ole time on the Men’s Tour

Bottom up??

Last year, Dustin Brown (dreadlocks), born in Germany to a Jamaican father was playing for his fatherland but this year inexplicably is back playing under the German flag. Hmmmm I think I get it now. Spring Love, I am not gonna hate

D’Joker at the Cannes Film Festival with his “girlfriend” Jelena Ristic. Now when I first saw this picture, I got scured for a second because I thought I was wrong about D’Joker.

But then I remembered that Once upon a time...this happened

Then "suddenly" this happened

Then out of nowhere came this

Finally it ended with this forever and ever

I mean what can I say, sometimes things just aren't that obvious.


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