French Open 2011: Day 5

In Alexander Dolgopolov, Andrea Petkovic, Andy Murray, Fernando Verdasco, Francesca Schiavone, French Open, Grand Slam, Kaia Kanepi, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Maria Sharapova, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Tennis, Uncategorized on May 27, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Well welcome to Day 5. Now yesterday, during Day 4’s Recap, I spoke of how relatively quiet the day’s action was and how it almost seemed a forewarning of things to come in Day 5. Ever so often I get a touch of the Psychic Hotline. Anyway, well sure enough I was right. There was Kim Clijsters aka Mommie Dearest first up on Court Philippe Chatrier playing Dutchwoman Arantxa Rus, who I swear weighs no more than 100lbs. The girl looks no bigger than a cigarette.

My word! I can't hear a thing right now. It's so LOUD. Is a 747 Boeing taking off on court?

Anyway, Mommie Dearest started in her usual fashion and was roundly assaulting the Marlbaro Lady. Anyone who follow tennis in particular Clijsters’ career, you would know that she is ruthless in the earlier rounds of majors. It is almost routine for her to get to the Round of 16 or even quarters dropping something like less than 10 games total, if that much. You would also know that she is no natural tennis talent. She thrives on match toughness. Think of her like a snowball down a mountain. The more matches she plays, the more devastating she becomes. Anyway, we are digressing. So anyhow, she showed up at the French Open though not 100% thinking she stood a chance because her two nemeses are not around aka the Serenenator and Cheating Justine. It was an okay plan though not brilliant by any standard because Mommie D cannot play herself into a major the way the Williams Sisters can but one never knows; she might get lucky. As someone aka “Connie” once told me, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” So though I did not expect her to win the entire thing, what I did not expect was her to lose in the 2nd round to some matchstick. MD was beating that bright stick for dear life in the beginning of the match. She was up 6-3 5-2; Mommie Dearest had match point. One point away from going back to the locker room, wash what I know had to have been a Thunderous Cyat, and then go play with Brian and Jada.

Is she really wearing some sorta sleepwear for little girls?

One point away from the match I tell you and if I am not mistaken, she was serving at that point. Well, I do not know what spirit moved within Mommie Dearest, perhaps she mistook the very skinny bitch across the net for a wire hanger and that sent her into some mental closet. All I know is that Mommie Dearest screamed for the axe and began hacking up her game. Mommie D was so bad, it was almost embarrassing. She lost her serve and lost it again when she had yet another opportunity to serve for the match. MD went on to lose 10 of the next 11 games, losing 6-3 5-7 1-6. This is Kim Clijsters, the owner of 4 majors and exiting a major like some punk. Now last year, she lost 3rd round 0-6 1-6 at the Australian Open to Nadia Fatrova who in all seriousness is not a bad player. Now you could say, she was having a bad day or something, perhaps had cramps, PMS, her hubby was not giving her regular shot of Vitamin S, whatever, she was just having a bad day and lost badly. But this lost, when she was up in the winning position and got thrown around like some small child in the third set. Nah not at all. No can compute this one. Now mind you, Rus was nothing special on the court and I almost guarantee you that she is going to lose badly next round but today she was playing smart tennis against MD; when the other opponent is giving out free points, gladly take them.

Brian did not give me my shot of Vitamin S. My mouth feels so empty. I know what you mean girl. Nothing starts a day off right like some good Vitamin S.

I am so happy though that I do not have to see this hot boiling mess of pepto bismal outfit anymore. Not that the one wearing Sunkit Orang Soda is any different.

Anyway enough about that hot pink mess. And you know what is worse, she was not the only top player struggling although I care far less about this one. Maria Shriekapova was getting her @$$ creamed by Caroline Garcia of France (Don’t ask me, ask her parents) Anyway, Garcia was up 6-4 4-1 and had the home court advantage but she took a mental lapse…well it was more of a mental breakdown as she lost 11 straight games to the Russian. 4-6 6-4 6-0.

Where the fcuk is my game? Where did it go? Adios Garcia.

WTF?? What happened?? What had happened is that you got knocked the fcuk out! By the way, are you wearing a purple plastic bag over a sports' bra??

See I love new talent because the old ones cannot stick around forever. What I do not love is these new breed of players who do not seem so wholly committed to the game of tennis. I mean I do not mind what you do off court but once you come on court, you must mean business. They always seem to be a flash in the pan; showing great potential but failing time after time to execute any of it when it really counts. You know I would have much preferred MD to have won her match than Shriekapova because I had to endure commentary after commentary of her being able to win her first French Open title and hold the career slam. I cannot deal at all with this.

Can't someone take out this yellow Dodo bird out for me please?

Anyway in other wins, Na Li/Li Na won in straight sets as did Azarenka who crushed her French opponent in what seem more like a warm-up session than an actual match 6-0 6-1. Azarenka is who I will love to see holding the trophy though I fear the corporate world will be clamoring to paste the Slavic long hair blond beauty all over ads and distracting her from the sport of tennis. But anyway another possible winner Petra Kvitova who I assure you can only be cast in Witches 2, won in straights against Jie Zheng of China as did Italy’s Roberta Vinci, Agnes Radwanska, Andrea Petkovic, Kaia Kanepia aka Telly the Monster’s sister, Ekaterina Makarova, Yanina Wickmayer, Yung-Jan Chan and Jarmila Gajdosova (I have not forgotten about the gossip regarding former Mrs. Gorth). Vania King won in three sets. So she is through to the third round with Bethanie Mattek-Sands. Finally American ladies stepping up to the challenge and their names are not Venus and/or Serena Williams. I guarantee you that Madison Avenue will not be running down Mrs. Mattek-Sands and Ms. King as they did Melanie Oudin. Any guesses as to why that is the case?

Anyway on to the menz..

Scary thought that Lochness Monster is playing better than Divadal at the French

Lochness Monster had a hard time against Italian Simone Bolelli but came through in straight sets. Bolelli was playing very good tennis but could not create any major opportunities for himself and LM, being the more experienced player took advantage. Now Bolelli is one of those players who often find themselves playing good tennis at the majors. However, I do feel these men will profit more if they try to be a bit more consistent on the regular tour than try to peak at the majors though the cash prize and attention is substantially different. Nonetheless, if they are more consistent, they can make more money and get better seeding in tournaments. Anyway, that is neither here nor there as he lost to the Scottish beast. Nessie, it may seem, is really finding himself on the clay courts of Roland Garros considering that he has been playing abysmal tennis since winning the match that placed him in the Australian Open final of this year.  Nonetheless, despite having the skills for the clay, he has yet to have major success on it but this might be the time to change that stat. However, he will have to possibly pass through Divadal who again showed up on court with his doppelganger.

Divadal, we all know you are in the Tennis Club Hall of Fame. However, how about you join the Hair Club for Men. They might be able to do something about this for you cause the head band is not cutting it anymore. HOLD UP! HOLD UP! IS THAT FLOWERS I SEE ON HIS SHIRT..OR SHOULD I SAY HIS BLOUSE?

Divadal won the match in straight sets but was down 1-5 to his countryman and friend, Pablo Andujar. Divadal is showing some really worrying signs with the state of his game. He is no longer as aggressive as he has been in the past and is looking very very vulnerable. I know some feel that his serve has been off but I do believe it his aggressive return game that has been lacking muster. But all that does not matter as he won the match as did Robin “Hood” Soderling who Divadal may have to face in the quarters, which I fear might be a repeat result in 2009 if Divadal continues in his current form; not that Hood has been playing stellar tennis himself.

Mardy Fish showing off his sleek slim build

Mardy Fish, former whale won his match as did Argentine Leonardo Mayer who defeated Marcos Fatastis, Dolgopolov aka boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy, Ivan Ljubicic (a dangerous floater who has beaten Divadal in 2010 on hard court) took out American Sam Querrey aka The Grinch and Viktor Troicki of Serbia all made it into the 3rd round. Gilles Simon of France took out his dirty teeth countryman Jeremy Chardy in 4 sets. In other 4 sets winners were Argentine Juan Ignacio Chela,  Simon too is a dangerous floater and will the support of the crowd squarely behind him. I have to say that the American Tennis Program needs to take a look at the state of French tennis because they have an excellent program that is nurturing tennis talent. I swear a Frenchie is playing in nearly every match. So USA take notes! Your ability to nurture the talent pool is your country is on par with Brtiney Spears’ maternal instincts.

Tabasco sauce in your face

Anyway, Fernando “Tabasco Verdasco” won his match over Belgium Xavier Malisse, affectionately called X-Man but if you ask me, he is looking more like a XXX-man if you know what I mean. Anyway Tabasco has not had a good year at all might be hoping for resurgence here in Paris. I do hope so because I do like looking at his mug on court and I know many of the fanz do so as well. Last year’s semifinalist, Jurgen Melzer lost in five sets to Lukas Rosal of Czech Republic. He enjoyed a little bit of celebrity status this year when he beat Mr. Federer at Monte Carlo, well no such luck Mr. Melzer. Another 5-set lost was Nikolay Davydenko who was a semifinalist here in Paris and other majors on multi occasions. It seems that after he was accused of fixing matches several years ago has really taken the tennis out of this man. He was a regular feature in the top man now he was seeded 28 at these championships. Anyway, we get on with the big picture show.



What more can be said... Nudity is always hot and appreciated here at RFTN, nevermind the bit of a butterface. We got toast for that! (Antonio Veic of Croatia)

Despite you lost Mlle Garcia, you are a winner here in the HOTTIE section. TRES CALIENTE

Yes I know she is as fat as a mozzarella stick and could do with some Paula Dean rich, fatty buttery deep fried goodness but she is as pretty as a peach. And you know we never hate on skinny bitches here at RFTN

Today I am going to change things up a bit. There will be no Notties section but a more “Not Captured In The Best Light Causing One To Look Like Something Other than Oneself.”

Larsson: I work out

So do I

Kaia Kanepi, Telly the Monster's little sister. My my, she certainly ain't lil no more

I thought I told you bitches to lay off my fcuking lil sister. I've about had it with your haters. I'm gonna get Big Bird and Snuffaluffagus to bring some Sesame Street to your @$$.

Petra Kvitova

I am gonna put a spell on you for messing with my daughter (I think I am crossing another of those invisible line again)


X-Man huh??

I think you all mean like XXX-Man...or is he mutating??

Is it just me or it that Mommie Dearest is giving a lil L-Word vibe here

Or perhaps it is a bit of a Chastity or is it Chazz Bono now

My my, what big ballz you have??

My my what no ballz you have!!

Honey if we are going to wear sleeveless, perhaps we should shave. I mean I know we in France and all but you ain't French okay.

You know I am going to pound Nadai Fatrova for showing up at the French Open with that French Fat Roll on her stomach. However, a little quiz for you. Who is that big green monster? He has a more famous brother.

Gender bender! I am not sure about shim. Can anyone say? I mean it can either be an all right looking man or an ugly woman. I mean who knew the sexes matter that much.

For those of you who don't read Mandarin, this says, "Validated Parking Below"

High Holy Heaven, gurl fix that camel toe. It almost looks like the whole thing is trying to come out.

  1. Another great French Open update, keep it up editor!

  2. She most definitely shaved her underarms. She just has dark spots under there which makes it appear as if she has hair. Oh and I am so NOT feeling the Vitamin S reference. That’s a bit too crude.

    • I do appreciate the clarification. I did wonder but figured it was a big match as she made it to the 2nd round and so she forget to do her regular routine. As for the Vitamin S comment…hmmmm you found it crude? In light of other matters we have delved into here. Nonetheless, I acknowledge your feelings on the matter and will take it into consideration for the future. I do hope you are not advocating censorship for these parts.

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