Realz

Will the US Open actually open? 2011 Preview and Predictions

In Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Hurricane Irene, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams, Tomas Berdych, US Open, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka on August 29, 2011 at 10:08 am

My dearest fanz…I beg for your indulgences. I have forsaken you in your hour of need. You craved for Realz Tenis Newz but I left you stranded. I pray you would let me work my way back into your hearts, minds and laughters. I desire your love, comments, insights and hateration so that we can make this the best tennis publication ever. I do confess that I have had another project working on the Facebook page, which is far easier to maintain. http://www.facebook.com/pages/RealzTenisFanz/126890294056298 I encourage you all to “Like” the page not the comment saying that you should like the page, and get on and let your comments fly. There should be no excuses as to why you all are not on and talking. Anyway, I do have to say that the Facebook page does not allow me to spread my editorial wings as I am limited by 400 characters. So I am back to the blogosphere. Nonetheless, you know that if you are hearing me that mean that there is a major on the horizon. And the US Open begins tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. live from NYC or what’s will be left of it if you listen to Mayor Bloomberg.

Wet ballz all over the place...What sorta establishment is this??

I swear this entire Hurricane Irene thing is the craziest I have ever heard. Not even in the 3rd world region…wait I think we are suppose to say developing region of the Caribbean do people act this way over a hurricane. People, we are in New York State, not the Florida Cays/Keys. A hurricane is one of the most unlikely natural disasters to hit this region. New York State is not even within the tropical latitudinal lines ie, you not within the lines of the Tropic of Cancer or Capricorn, that is to say you not in a tropical region, and if we are keeping it realz, what I really mean is that you all are not in the frigging Caribbean so chill the fcuk out with this hurricane bullshit. I mean the shut down the bloody trains, airports. More rain came several weeks ago than it did yesterday and the whole place did not go bust that time around but this time, its different??…Hmmmm. I swear, this place is like the Comedy of Errors.

The Caribbean, where hurricanes usually happen

Real hurricane effects

There will be rains of course but a hurricane, which is ONLY if the weather system gains winds of more than 70 m.p.h. So New Yorkers, you did not get a hurricane okay. If anything you got a tropical depression or at best a tropical storm, though how this place is so psycho dependant, I think a tropical depression is more apropos. I am not one for conspiracy theories but I swear Twitter and Facebook along with other media outlets put on this whole thing so that they can get something going in this media dry spell as if war overseas, political turmoil in the Arab World (I hate the term “Middle East”; middle and east of where?), famine in East Africa, world economy is in shit but the media seem to think celebrity gossip and pseudo-hurricane alerts are more the order of business.

All this hurricane talk was just shite...

Anyway, we are not here for that. Let’s get to the tennis… but before we do, you know a lil housekeeping is in order. RTF will not be making too many promises from here on end because clearly, it has shown a growing propensity to not keep them. It can only promise you that when it does something, it will be done and you will read it. It wishes that it had the time, resources, effort and energy to produce a full scale coverage of tennis but unfortunately, it can only be done as a second gig. Nevertheless, we are here and we will deal with the tennis issues. Anyway, I have also made the decision to stop sending out printable versions to work emails of a certain establishments. Recently some dirty snitch ratted out their fellow co-worker and they got in trouble. Now since we are keeping it realz, I do not need to emphasize the code, “Snitches get stitches!” We are not a violent establishment but we are not above protecting what we have worked ever so dearly for.

Nuff said

Thus, the executive decision was made that RTF will only be available on the blog as well as Facebook. It was a difficult decision especially since those loyal fans were the first fanz. Anyway, hopefully it will encourage them to get online and comment on the blog. RTF does feel sorry for two of its most loyalist fanz BW and ST. You are the best and thanks for the support. You know why this has to be this way. So to the tennis.

There has been no posting since Wimbledon but there were many facebook activities. One should really check us out on facebook. http://www.facebook.com/pages/RealzTenisFanz/126890294056298  With the US Open starting tomorrow or today (better late than never) there are only two real names that the reporters will be throwing up, Novak “D’Joker Harlequeen/D’Juggernaut” Djokovic (apparently the D is silent and it is Joke not Jock. Was informed of this by a native Serb himself. Thanks MB) The other person is Serena “Serenanator” Williams. These two players have really shown themselves to be the top contenders for the Open title. You may hear all sorta bylines and side stories but the real truth is that these two divas have the momentum behind them and they are more than willing, able and ready for the challenge.

The Clear number 1

On the men’s side. D’Joker clearly is the man to beat. Yes I know he pulled out of Cincinnati in the finals against Lochness Monster but he really did not need to play or even win the title. He claimed fatigue and that gave Lochness Monster the victory. Harelequeen has won 2 majors for the year, broken the spirit of Divadal, technically has one lost against Mr. Federer who he does not have to really worry about because Mr. Federer seems unable to make it past the quarterfinals of any tournament these days and D’Joker dismantled the Scotsman at the Aussie Open finals. I assure you, D’Joker is not afraid of anyone on tour. He has absolutely nothing to fear but himself. Jim Courier, multiple major winner has said that the victory at Cincinnati has made the Lochness Monster the clear favourite for the US Open. Absolute madness. Murray might not get past the quarterfinals as there are too many men outside of the top 4 who can beat him. He has Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy and Robin Hood Soderling floating around in his quarter so things are not an easy road for him. Then he potentially has Divadal in the semis. And even if he gets to the finals, he has yet to win a set in the three major finals he has reached. So I doubt it very much so that he will win this US Open. However, miracles do happen but RTF thinks the Lochness Monster will need to become Puff the Magic Dragon to win this title.

I am a total headcase that's why I cannot win a major

So, no surprise RTF is claiming that D’Joker is going to win this one. But what about our favourite son Mr. Federer? Now you know we can never forget about him. We are rooting for him all the way. However, we are realistic about his chances. There is no doubt about it that Mr. Federer has one of the best records at the open. Since 2004, he has made it to the semifinals or better winning it 5 times out of 6 finals. So he clearly knows how to play on the hard courts of New York. However, he has been seeing a steady decline as of late. He’s 30 not that one need to be ashamed of that number but he is clearly coming to the tournament with the same bag of tricks that everyone knows and seen before. However, he is still clearly the number 3 player in the world. He has to watch out for Baby Ali who beat him twice this year included at Wimbledon where Mr. Federer uncharacteristically blew a two-set to love lead or Mardy the former Whale in the quarters.

What had happen was that...I am getting old

The American, ranked 8th in the world (also the highest ranked American) won the US Open series by a massive margin by 60 points ahead of D’Joker. Once as agile as an elephant, Fish now moves like a gazelle on court and he is hungry like a lion for a major title. He has been eerily close to beating a major player for a title and he can definitely cause an upset. However, the problem for Fish and the men on tour is that to win a major you have to beat 3 of the top 4 players. At the very least, you have to beat 2. In Fish’s case, he has to beat Mr. Federer then D’Joker and possibly Mr. Divadal or Lochness Monster. Unfortunately Fish does not have the talent, breath or the experience to accomplish this task. There’s a reason why three men have won 25 of the last 26 majors. It will be a miracle of a miracle to expect that the top four will just crash out early of any major clearing the way for some unheralded player. He is officially a skinny bitch and he is working the court like no body’s business.

Look at me, I am so skinny that I can hug myself

I think the last person to mention really is Mr. Divadal. Now, Mr. Divadal has taken some serious blows this year. He only won the French and has been handled savagely by D’Juggernaut. He is all over the place mentally and is struggling to keep focus. He burnt his fingers at some Japanese restaurant and has been screaming about how that’s affecting his play etc. You know the usual antics of a primadonna. Anyway, the US Open has traditionally been his worse major but he figured it out last year and hopes to repeat but Mr. Divadal is really all out of sorts coming into this major. He has been running scared since he got beat at Rome by D’Joker. He was so happy Mr. Federer defeated him at the French because he would have surely forfeited that title. He said that he did not lose his number 1 ranking but D’Joker won it. Divadal has shown himself to be vulnerable at the majors especially with his nagging injuries. But he is one to always play on injury antics to get sympathy. He has been on the David Letterman Show trying to sell his book and has cleaned up his look giving this new preppy image. It is really laughable because Divadal is one of most socially awkward top ranked player ever. He always has this perpetual look of fear and pending doom on his face. Nevertheless all that does not matter as he can really play tennis and it is the tennis he wants to speak for him.

You wurk it gurl... You strut your stuff

Now, there are other players who might crop up here and there, Mr. Brooklyn Decker (Andy Roddick), Uncle Lurch (Tomas Berdych) Soderling like I said before and Fiery Ferrer, oh of course 2009 US Open champion Beast Boy Del Potro but really and truly the ranking speaks for itself. D’Joker Harlequeen is the likeliest to win then Divadal then Mr. Federer and then Lochness Monster. Everyone, really have to settle for semifinal prize money at best because they are not winning this thing.

The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse.... I think they might be just in the right order of who can win this thing but we shall see

Mr. Brooklyn Decker needs a good tournament because he has been fizzing like a popped balloon

But he needs to go get his wife first though... she's looking like a hot mess, BUT that ring is bigger than her eyes..HOLY FCUK

When it comes to the ladies, things are a lil bit more complicated. The draw is essentially wide open, the experts say but I am saying that it’s wide for the Serenanator and her massive booty to walk on through it and get herself her 14th major as Kim Clijster aka Mommie Dearest is out with an abdominal strain. The Serenanator since her year’s lapse has come back with a vengeance. She was seemingly out of sorts at Wimbledon but since then has proven herself to be unbeatable. She has not lost a match since late June I think though she pulled out of a Cincinnati before her 2nd round match. She won titles in California and Canada dismantling her opponents including Marian Fatoli the lil cow who beat her at Wimbledon…revenge is a dish best served cold. She is the winner of the US Open series like I said before and can potentially win the bonus 1 million dollars if she were to wins the US Open.

She's number 1 and there's no disputing that

She has been playing magnificent tennis and since she is seeded 28th at these Championships and her sister Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams who is unseeded, we are looking at potential drama throughout. The Serenanator is set to meet Azarenka in the 3rd round who she lightly dispatched in Canada. It was a beat down and I was ready to cry for Azarenka. There will be much talk about the last time the Serenanator was at the open she cursed out the lineswoman but people forget that she left NYC that week a winner, having secured the doubles title with her sister. There’s no need to hash up that madness but you know Americans hate the American Williams Sisters and will surely be having that on display to get the crowd against them. Watch see if people not rooting for their opponents.

It's about to get nasty up in here!

However, when Fed Cup time comes around, the Americans are crying for the Williams Sisters to play. These people are just disgusting. Anyway, the sisters are on opposite sides of the draw so they cannot meet until the finals. Ebony Starr Williams has one of the best records if not the best record at the open. She has never lost before the Round of 16 and been to the semis or better on more occasions than not. However, her two titles were back in 2000 and 2001. She is definitely dude for a win here for sure but being unseeded means she has to play a lot tough opponents early and has played no matches since Wimbledon so she comes in at another major, rusty. She could face a hard serving/hitting Sabine Lisicki in the 2nd round. So she definitely has her hands full but she is an experienced player so I am not worried about her nor am I putting my hopes on her. I want her to win but I have been down this road too many times to fall for that trap again. I wish her the best and will be overjoyed if she were to win this title again.

I hope she doesn't have some hot mess hair style underneath that visor because I will not be holding back the hate

Now this is far from being a one lady draw as there are definitely some players who can cause trouble. French Open champion Li Na is lurking and having made it to two major finals for the year, she definitely knows her way around these tournaments. Petra Kvitova, recent Wimbledon Champion is also about and could face Shriekapova in the quarterfinals. Shriekapova who just won Cincinnati is brimming with confidence. However, that ridiculous serve of hers will make her life very complicated at the Open, the players all know to stick it to her. Fatoli is a dark horse and she has been playing well at majors as of late and D’Stove Stosur from Australia also has a very outside chance as does Fivehead Jankovic and Azarenka.

Shriekapova. I have to say that she really got ProActiv because that face use to be bubbling over in acne.

Oh yeah I almost forgot that the top two players, Caroline Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit and number 2 Vera Zvonareva can also win the title. They have both made it to the finals in 2009 and 2010 respectively and put on very poor performances. They will definitely like to change those fortunes and win their first major title. However, we know that Vera is going to break down long before that even happens and Wozniacki not only does she not have the game to win a major, it seems her head is elsewhere running around the place with Ireland’s Rory Mcilroy, 2011 US Open Golf Champion.

I know that look...she got ballz on her mind and it certainly ain't tennis.

So she cannot win a major so she goes out and find a man who has one. Major winner by proxy? You got some crumbs you lil biscuit. Now, you know I am not a hater of love but athletes have to learn to keep their private affairs private. Happy Gilmore is all over her matches and she is grinning like a hyena. Meanwhile she crashed out of two tier one tournaments in the first round this summer. She just won New Haven for the 4th year in a row but that was against a mostly minor field (She did beat Schiavone who loves the US Open incidentally). She has yet to beat the top players on a consistent basis something that she needs to do in order to win a major. The Danish Biscuit seems to be more concerned about getting some Irish crème filling for her biscuit instead of getting a bloody kill shot for the court. Her forehand is predictable and a massive liability. She can barely get aces and does not possess massive groundstrokes to beat you from the baseline.

Most certainly daddy is not feeling his son in law.

Anyway, we not going to carry on with this point for much longer because there will be more stuff to talk about later. So if you get to the end of this piece just know that I am picking D’Joker Harlequeen and the Serenanator as the winners of this year’s US Open.

God this is too easy. So this is Cody Simpson from Australia. He's suppose to be the new teenage heartthrob?? Seriously? Teenage girls find this sexually appealing. He was rehearsing here for the Arthur Ashe Kids' Day that did not happen because of rain.

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