Realz

Day 1 finally got opened at the US Open 2011

In Agnes Radwanska, Alexander Dolgopolov, Andy Murray, Bernard Tomic, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Hurricane Irene, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Melanie Oudin, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, US Open, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka on August 30, 2011 at 6:08 am

So Day 1 of the US Open has been completed without any delays. There was no rain, no fake hurricane warning and no crazy winds to report. Everyone said that it was a beautiful day outside but I never made it outside for the day and my secret location is rather secret so I do not get much light in the cave. Nonetheless, I got the internet to see some pretty good matches for the first day. A certain fanz had had promised to get tickets but they came up with all sorts of excuses. I do not want to put anyone on blast but KJ you know who you are.

Celebrations the US Open has officially opened.

Anyway, there is not much I have to say before I get into the tennis talk other than this. Now, RTF is a very sophisticated publication and we cater to a certain clientele who only subscribe to the very best in periodicals and read the best of the blogosphere. I say all this to say that I hope none of my fanz are going around saying that “a hurricane hit NYC or Hurricane Irene passed through the city” because you know I will be so ashamed of you and for you as well. People, let’s get it together okay. We are a professional and cultured people. It was a tropical storm at best okay. I do not want to see anymore facebook postings about how a hurricane hit the city because it just downright foolishly wrong and an insult to the people of New Orleans where an actual hurricane happened. Anyway, we not here for this, we are here for the tennis.

Why of course, we're sophicated!

On the menz draw, it was rather uneventful for the most part. Typically a lot of players come into the US Open in great shape because frankly, they were doing crap for most of the year and this is their last chance to make something happen. Getting past the 3rd round of a major can do wonders for a player’s life. They can get increased endorsements, huge pay day from prize money plus media coverage, which will definitely send their Twitter accounts and Facebook pages going (something most of them live for). Anyway, this often results in high quality matches from the menz. The USTA has slowed down the courts this year for whatever reason so in essence they are playing on a very hard clay court. Apparently, if you add sand to the paint which is used to coat the courts, it can slow down the surface. This is resulting in longer matches. I guess this makes for better matches?? I do not think so. It makes for less and less distinction amongst the majors’ surfaces, where all the courts are getting slower. Not forgetting that longer matches added to the long season is causing more and more injuries. I think since the top four players are in essence baseline players they are catering to their needs though Mr. Federer will have the most problems. Also, Americans are not good on slower courts so I do not know if the USTA is trying to sabotage their own mission but you know, we shall leave those sort of executive decisions to the executives. Their follies will  just be fodder for Realz Newz. So to the results

Mardy Fish is playing whale size tennis these day and is the US best hopes on the men's side

Mardy Fish looked impressive with a straight sets victory as did Marin Cilic (he has a MASSIVE forehand) who took out American Ryan Harrison. Apparently before the match (I might be wrong here…don’t have a fact checker all the time) Harrison was all like, “I got a fire in my belly” (paraphrasing here). However, on court that fire looked more like bad stomach gas because his play was fluctuating and flatulating all over the place. Any time he was in the lead, he simply choked and threw away his advantage. He does not possess anything special as far as I can tell but he is young and has massive potential. Nonetheless, he should shut this mouth and let his tennis do the talking, which today was saying “shit”.

Harrison's tennis was no where as good as his high kicks

Beetlejuice (Monfils) won his match and of course without fail, he was ugly evermore…..I mean he exuded a massive amount of energy just to get to the 2nd round. I imagine that he would be done by the 4th round at these championships. Other winners include Lurch (Tomas Berdych), Richard Gasquet and Michael Llodra of France, Australia’s rising star Bernard Tomic, Ukraine Alexandr Dolgopolov and Serbia’s Janko Tipsarevic. Ivo Karlovic of Croatia also won taking out former quarterfinalist Fernando Speedy Gonzalez who is still working his way back from injury to his past form. Juan Carlos Ferrero finalist in 2003 needed 5 sets to take out his 1st round opponent and Tomaz Bellucci that hottie from Brazil lost 😦 to Dudi Sela of Israel as did Victor Troicki (15th seed) lost to Alejandro Falla in 5 sets. Troicki had a 2-1 set lead and threw away the match. This is the second match he is playing shitty tennis when he should closing out the match.

Another wilted performance from the Serb

The other notable men’s winner is Mr. Federer. I decided to give him a whole paragraph for himself because there is much about him to talk about. Now he won his first round match 6-4 6-3 6-2 against some Colombian Santiago Giraldo. I saw that match which finished after 11 p.m. last night and I have to say that the realz Roger Federer has been kidnapped and his doppelganger was out on court fcuking up. Mr. Federer was up 5-1 in the 1st set then was broken twice to almost have to fight it out in a tie breaker. No disrespect to the Colombian but he was no match for Mr. Federer if Mr. Federer had actually showed up. It was errors all over the place. Mr. Federer made 23/37 net approaches, 7/18 on break points, 36 winners, 35 errors, 62% of his first serves were in, had 6 aces and 3 double faults. People we are in the first round and Mr. Giraldo is ranked 54 in the world. It was just disgusting. Had Mr. Giraldo been a shade better player, Mr. Federer would have still been out there playing. It is not that Mr. Federer no longer has that aura of invincibility; it is that he is appearing to be a mere mortal.

Professor Dumbledore told Harry Potter (Harry Potter reference here) that even if he were to destroy the horcuxes which anchored Voldemort to immortality, Voldemort remains a prodigious and formidable wizard ie he can still fcuk you up. One would hope the same can be said of Mr. Federer. I say this to say that  even though Mr. Federer is struggling to win tournaments these days, he seems to be waddling around the court looking like a shade of his former self. He is not playing like a Number 3 player in the world.  He is out of position, shots are all over the place and it looks like he is second guessing himself on all his shots. I have long been vocal about his partnership with Paul Annacone and I will continue to say it. Annacone needs to go. I think Mr. Federer can do bad all by himself. Mr. Federer’s backhand is a serious liability. He drops that ball so short in the court begging players to crush it on the return. And when Mr. Federer’s backhand becomes a liability in matches, his forehand loses accuracy and his shots find themselves in the net or way off the court.

Look at this. WTF Roge! WTF are you doing out there hitting blind shots?

Mr. Federer, I beg you, dump Annacone. FIRE THE MAN! He is like a sick groupie who adds nothing to your production but just sycophancy. He does not know what he is talking about. He’s a charlatan, a fraud and a liar. Your game has significantly deteriorated since his arrival. His tactics may have worked for Pete Sampras but they are not working for you. If you cannot penetrate with your backhand against the likes of a 54th ranked player, you really think you going to keep D’Joker Harlequeen, Lochness Monster, Divadal at bay and that even if you get to a semifinal stage. There’s Tsonga lurking in the earlier rounds. Annacone was suppose to fix this problem and I have seen zero improvements. What I do see is a steady decline and attrition. Really now… you are not being serious with this current level of play at all. Anyway, I am tired talking about it and I really want to see Mr. Federer win more majors. So please Mr. Federer, dump the non-coach Annacone and find yourself someone else who really knows what they are talking about.

Looking like holidays at the country club than preparing for professional level tennis.

To the womenz, the usual suspects made it through… Shriekapova had a tough test from the British Heather Watson who in the end just did not possess enough game to put the nail in the Russian’s coffin much to my chagrin. Hopefully Watson can develop and given British women’s tennis a much needed boost….as a matter of fact give their tennis a boost overall since Lochness Monster is a massive ole choker.

Made it through to another match more so on grit than game

Watson...hopefully we see more of her in the future. She held her composure today quite beautifully

Anyway, we here about the ladies. Vera Zvonavera won her match as did Marian Fatoli and Agneiszka Radwanska who beat her younger sister Urszula in straight sets. I tell you Urszula was not a happy camper as she was being toyed around the court.

By way of upsets, Petra Kvitova the reigning Wimbledon champion lost to Alexandra Dulgheru in straight sets. Kvitova was just flat today and was unable to straight together several games at a time. No sooner did she break the Romanian than she lost her serve. I really hope Kvitova aka Head High  Witch does not go the way of an Ivana the Terrible. You win a major and then slowly drop off the face of the earth.

Kvitova bringing on the waterworks on court and of course being a witch, she merely melted away. Plus I am sure she was being weighed down by that huge muffin top

Now there was a match today between two American ladies who we hardly anything about, Madison Key and Jill Craybas which got a lot of media hype. Really this was much ado about nothing. Key is 16, Craybas is 37, so it was essentially a young nobody vs an old nobody. Of course the young nobody won as can be expected. It ain’t news. It would be news if this 16 got her @$$ beat by a grandmother as was the case when Dinada Safina lost to Kimiko Date-Krumm a couple of years ago at a major. Oh yes, Christina McHale took out Cookie Monster’s lil sister in three sets today as well. She has a very aggressive style on court and she recently beat the Danish Biscuit so I am happy to see that she is progressing nicely about. Needless to say as well that Melanie Oudin aka Abby Caddady lost first round in straight sets.

Ebony Starr

There were not much matches for the notables for me to talk about other than Venus Ebony Starr Williams match against another one of those many Russians. Now Ebony Starr gave a B performance as can be expected with a 6-4 6-3 victory. She has not played since Wimbledon and as always showed a lot of rust in her game. However, the biggest story of course is her clothes. Now I do not know what’s her problem or to be fair, what’s her point when it comes to her clothing but she really needs to stop. She has of late become obsessed with lace. She claims that “lace is in” what I think she means is that “lace is in her demented world.” The dress looks bad. I do not care what you all want to say about the front of it.

Check out the back of this... you can also see bits of the back of her head too

There’s no other way of saying it but that it is a horrible construction of fabric and if there were any justice in the fashion world, that thing should be stripped off her in public and burned thread by thread as well as all designs regarding this dress, if we want to call it that. Ebony Starr should then be made to plant 50 trees as penance for the wasted paper that went into printing up this “design”as well as go pick two hours of cotton on some cotton farm so that she can feels how much effort goes into real fabric construction. I know a bit harsh but seriously now, she is overdoing this now. The dress looked like someone filleted it or something. White lace with pink zipper on the back of an all black dress with pleats? DISGUSTING! Just revolting. And added to all this, Ebony Starr has the back of head looking all “nappy” (not a word I like to use but there’s no other I can think of…..kinky means something totally different for me and it is not appropriate for sensitive readership) and another terrible weave. Gurl you have eating away your hair frontline with them old sweaty weave go back your natural hair and please put some sorta styling gel for the back of the hair or press them out or something. They looking too bad for this international stage. Anyway, I let you all be the judge thing one because I do not want a certain KJ to be after me.

The forehead or should I say sixhead starts at the top of that visor

Anyway, tomorrow promises to be an action pack as well with Azarenka, Divadal, Danish Biscuit, the Serenanator, D’Joker Harlequeen, Fiery Ferrer, Chun Li Na, Loser Blake and Baby Ali all set to play. It should a really exciting time. Enjoy the photos.

Hotties

The Radwanska sisters...Urszula on the left and Aggie on the right. I won't say it.. I won't say it at all

Looks like they want to give the Williams sisters a run for their money

Grigor Dimitrov though a beauty had to face that beast Beetlejuice in the first round. Needless to say he lost but the most important thing is that his looks is safe. Gotta love a lil tongue action

Nottie

Who's the ugliest of them all? Ooooo pick me .....pick me

Kvitova had an ugly start yesterday to go with her ugly look

No wonder he talks a lot of shit...he eats it too

XXX man lost in the first round. Hopefully he also lose some pounds soon enough too. That scruffy beard isn't heading your triple chin

MMIX BAG

M'am are you okay? You know that shades is either suppose to be on your nose or on your head NOT the middle ground on your forehead....NOPE not at all.

Thunder cyat oooooo Ebony Starr, your cyat is thunderous. Also your camel is stepping out on you there.

I think you're sporting wood. Is that suppose to happen??

Is either she got TPed or she was just pulled out of a tomb in Egypt. Either way, that dress looks ridiculous

Oh Melanie 😦 looking like a bad egg yolk.

Eat your heart out Kim Basinger

Oh Serena.........this is just low class. We expect you to bring Compton to the court not to the press conference.

There's a word to describe this... "jailbait" Where are these girls parents?? Because they are just three seconds and $200 away from being "Girls Gone Wild at the Open"

You know I thought Ebony Starr had committed fashion high treason until I saw this next lil number

Now why is she wearing Super Mario Bros blocks for a dress?? Can someone explain this to me? Where is quality control at sweat shops? I mean Nadia Fatrova should be publicly flogged for this atrocity here. She cannot be serious?

SEE YOU TOMORROW

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  1. RTF I will cut u! It is clear u r a Venus hater and all venus haterz must be cut!

  2. What are you talking about? That dress is disgusting and you know it. You remember that hot mess at the Australian Open this year. I believe she wears these ridiculous outfits so people would not talk about her tennis. It’s almost like a distraction for the media because they will talk about it no matter. Nonetheless, she use to have a great sense of fashion. Nowadays, it appears that all she has is fashion nonsense. And bring your best blade…

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