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Australian Open 2012: Day 6

In Andy Murray, Australian Open, David Ferrer, Gael Monfils, Janko Tipsarevic, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Juan Ignacio Chela, Kei Nishikori, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Mikhail Kukushkin, Milos Raonic, Nicolas Mahut, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Richard Gasquet, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams, Sorana Cirstea, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tennis, Vera Zvonareva on January 21, 2012 at 9:33 am

Well Day 6 at the Aussie Open promised to be crazy exciting but in the end it was sorta a letdown though there were several gems to be treasured. On the ladies GHW was not messing around when she faced Maria Kirilenko of Russia. I guess there was less of a distraction for her across the net as Kiri is gifted in the looks department heavily so than her last opponent Lady Hobbit. Anyway, GHW unleashed her powers and was quickly at 6-0 but Kiri claimed injury and retired after losing the first game of the 2nd set. Kvitova is through to 4th round. She is picking up energy and confidence for this tournament.

Thanks for the warm up!!

Next up was Sara Errani of Italy vs Sorana Cirstea of Romania. It was an excellent first set and both ladies battled it out. The first set was literally decided by a couple of points as Cirstea took it in a tie-breaker 7-6. However, she claimed injury after when it became clear that the Italian was not going to be denied a chance for her first 4th round draw at a major. Cirstea tried to stick around but she got dismissed 0-6 2-6. Errani is through to the next round.

Look at the size of that cranium. It is like Alien v Predator had a baby girl.

Is this a 2008 Aussie Open Shriekapova we are seeing??

Shriekapova and the Serenanator seem on a collision course in the quarters as they both easily dispatched of their opponents. Shriekapova took out the German Angelique Kerber (30th seed) 6-1 6-2. Kerber you might remember made it to the 2011 US Open semifinals where she lost to eventual champion Sam D’stove Stosur. The Serenanator took out Greta Arn of Hugnary 6-1 6-1. Though I cannot recall the specific head to head between the Russian and the American, it goes without saying that the Serenanator owns Shriekapova. Everyone will remember the 2004 Wimbledon finals where the young upstart took out two time reigning champion and perhaps less so that later that year at the WTA Year Ending Championships, the Russian again beat the American. However, since 2004, Maria has yet to record a win over the American and many of her losses have been no contest including meeting last year in California. The Serenanator treated her with utter disdain. However, the Russian seemed to have put her injuries behind her and apparently in fine form. So it might be a tough match but she has to get past a hard hitting, big serving Sabine Lisicki of Germany where as the Serenanator get past Ekaterina Makarova of Russia.

The Serenanator is on and seeking to destroy!

So Lisicki and Makarova are through to the 4th round by virtue of “upsets” or another Chernobyl Disaster by their Russian opponents. Lisicki played Kuzi-Rex in the 3rd round and Kuzi-Rex took the first set 6-2 and was up a break in the 2nd. I was all ready to say, oh Kuzi Rex is back in fine form and perhaps might be dangerous at this tournament. However, no sooner did I think that than the Russian simply collapsed handing Lisicki belief of winning the tournament.  Kuzi-Rex was up 6-2 4-3, serving to go up 5-3. However, she only won two more games for the rest of the match as she lost 6-2 4-6 2-6. See this is why I cannot deal with Kuzi-Rex. She is a two time major winner and half the time she acts as if she just came on the tour. She looks like a bloody dinosaur but for all that mean and grit in her face, she is as scary as a frigging teddy bear.

This dinosaur is playing like a relic

Absolute waste of time and speaking of that, her country woman Vera ZvonaZERO was no better on court. Against her country woman Makarova who has no real great tour success but of course she faced Vera and she knew she had a chance. Vera came out looking shape racing to a 3-0 lead then lost the next four games, won the next 2 and lost the next 2. She fought to get into the tie break. She just collapsed after that, losing the set and won ONE solitary game in the 2nd set. 7-6 6-1 Makarova. You know without a doubt, Vera was bawling on court and on her way out. Someone should tape her tear ducts shut. Interestingly enough. ZvonaZero and Kuzi-Rex have teamed up to play doubles at these championships. I guess they are getting ready for the Olympics. Let’s see how well they do here.

Makarova of Russia

The other two matches played, Sailor Moon vs. Ivanovic the Terrible and Jie Zheng vs. La Petite Grosse were not so much remarkable as they were impressive. Ivanovic is showing signs of glory as she made it through to the 4th round in a major, something that has been rather elusive for her in recent years. (She did make it to the 4th round of the US Open last year but was knocked out by the Serenanator.) Anyway she took out Sailor Moon (Vania King) in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Up next is Kvitova aka GHW. That’s a tall order because Kvitova is looking to demolish this field.

You might this is Fatoli excited about a point. However it's just here doing one of her on court ballet routine.

In the other match it was Jie Zheng who is no bigger than your thumb (Maybe I should call her Thumbelina or Pixie) Anyway, she came out and was kicking like Jet Li against Fatoli Bartoli. Loads of people had Bartoli as a dark horse pick. LOL I think they had too much over the Christmas break because Bartoli will not win a major barring some unforeseen incident. She is not as consistent and hungry like the other girls….wait I take that back because she is always eating. However, she does not have the depth of play as the top ladies, so I do not factor her in at any major though she has made 2 semis and a final. Her game is too discombobulated and she exerts too much energy on court. No one is afraid of her and few take her seriously. Once her opponent sees the chance to make it big in a major and she is the roadblock, they will be all over her. Nonetheless, I really thought that she would have given Zheng some sorta fight and perhaps proved herself to be superior player. However, Zheng a 2010 semifinalist was not having any of that at all. She played a wonderful match. She was on Fatroli from the jump and the Frenchwoman never had a chance to do anything. Zheng was the better player and she never let up on her advantage. Zheng won 6-3 6-3 and is through to another 4th round of a major.

On the men’s draw, things were fairly routine for the most part.

Mahut showed up for a marathon but quickly realized that it was a sprint!

D’Juggernaut continues to look very very impressive as he obliterated the Frenchman Nicolas Mahut. Mahut you would remember from the 2010 Wimbledon who played that epic match against BFG 70-68 in the 5th set. Anyway, against the Serb, it was a 100 metres sprint…wait scratch that, it was a 60-yard dash and he was left in the dust 6-0 6-1 6-1. Mahut claimed injury but I think the only thing that was hurting was both his pride and game. Baby Ali is also playing well as he took out the Portuguese Frederico Gil 6-2 6-2 6-2. Lochness Monster also had an easy time against his French opponent, Michael Llodra who went out 6-4 6-2 6-0, the Scotsman. So many of the top players are playing very very well. It is a love fest all over the tour as people are getting blitz. Even in doubles, the 2nd seed team of Lisa Raymond and Liezel Huber took out their 1st round opponent 6-0 6-0.

Lochness Monster is quietly going through the draw

Anyway, we are not here to talk about the ladies doubles event. David Fiery Ferrer is also through to the 4th round. 2011 semifinalist looked a bit out of sorts when he played Juan Ignacio Chela aka Chin Chela. Chin Chela barking at his heels but eventually the Spaniard showed himself to be the superior athlete, 7-5 6-2 6-1.Richard Gasquet (17th seed) took on Janko Tipsarevic (9th seed) and to be honest, I expected an epic match of sorts. Both are immensely talented, though the Frenchman is a shade better. However, in the actual match, Gasquet just blitzed the Serb. Perhaps Tipsarevic was having a bad day but he was totally out of it throughout as Richard took the match 6-3 6-3 6-1. Dennis the Menace aka Milos Raonic of Canada played Dingo Dog Hewitt and I knew that Dennis just would not have had the stamina to squeak out this win plus the Aussie crowd has been rather vicious this year and were strongly behind their man. Raonic managed to win the first set 6-4 but eventually Dingo Dog proved too dogged for the Canadian and he lost in 4 sets 4-6 6-3 7-6 6-3 Hewitt. Hewitt received a wild card to get into these championships if I am not mistaken and he is not wasting this invitation. He is in the 4th round but will be face the onslaught of the D’Juggernaut. Kei Nishikori of Japan took care of Julian Benneteau of France in 4 sets 4-6 7-6 7-6 6-3. This was a match of determination and will and the Japanese proved to be the stronger in the end.

Nishikori

The final men’s match to speak of and for me the match of the tournament and perhaps one for the ages, is Gael Monfils of French vs Mikhail Kukushkin of Kazakhstan. This was an epic match. Beetlejuice came out and won the first 2 games followed by  Kukushkin reeling off 8 straight games. 6-2 2-0. Beetle decided that he was going to call trainer complaining of back pain and he was moving like an ugly old man on court. For those who know tennis, they know Monfils is all about his speed. However, in yesterday’s match, he looked all but ready for the wheelchair. He was hobbling, walking gingerly to shots and at times, just giving up.

Beetlejuice looked like he was all dried up

Kukushkin raced to a 5-1 lead in the 2nd. However, here is where things got very very interesting. I for one will admit that I thought it unwise for BJ to continue. I mean it was obvious he could not move and Kukushkin was just pouncing all over the balls. However a strange thing happened Kushi went to serve for the set;  he began to choke and he was CHOKING big time. It was like watching a hanging. Kushi could not create his own pace at all and Beetlejuice just pushed the ball back and allowed Kushi to make the errors. Then it was now 5-5 all. However, Kushi pulled out the 2nd set 7-5 and enjoyed a 2-0 set lead. Beetlejuice refused to retire and began the 3rd set. BJ had taken back medication and I guess as the effects of the meds worn on, he regained some mobility and he took the 3rd set 7-5 and just dominated the 4th 6-1.

The fighting spirit of this demon was tremendous

We were even for the 5th. Monfils braved on and I will have to say that he earned my respect. Usually his on court antics always bugged the shite out of me. However, yesterday he was just absolutely on point, playing well within himself and conserving energy. He played valiantly and I dare say this, Beetlejuice earned my respect. He lost the match though 4-6 in the 5th, double faulting on match point. Kushi was hitting like a girl and I am sure he will lose in the next round but he will make more money there than in the 3rd round.

Kushi through to his first 4th round appearance at a major

So that’s a wrap up of the 6th day. Hope you enjoyed!!

Today’s Hotties are HOTT…BRULE, MUY CALIENTE!!

WUUURRRQQQ!!! (I have some issues with the lower half of the dress..actually with the whole thing really. Sorta looks like a dish towel. However, you are wurqing it. This was a homemade number wasn't it??)

Fiery Ferrer (words have failed me right now!)

For those who like men who like dogs, here is something for you. Not my thing...though I am all for licking

This is just too hot. This has to be considered soft core porn. I wonder what lies between. Hmmm

Hey you!! Not you daddy but your son next to you.

Why thank you for the resfreshment.... I sure could use this. So hot around here.

Clearly we are in the notties section right now

I don't know who performed this bit of "My Fair Lady" magic and turned Kuzi- Rex (seen directly above) into a lady but I do think they deserve a Nobel Prize.

Chin Chela is possessed by the demons of non-beauty

It isn't just in Paris that its all gay

Sweetie you know that's your gurlfriend and not your boyfriend right?? Just checking

Mahut. This isn't sexy....it's sleezy and damn near creepy too. Get away!!

What do you mean we cannot do that here? Checking her whowho on court is a perfectly legitimate reason for an injury time out? Stop the hating Rosie!!

Monsters always turn out to be freaks. Commendable effort but there are somethings that should never be done alone!

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Australian Open 2012 Day 5

In Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, David Nalbandian, Fernando Verdasco, John Isner, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Na Li, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Stanislav Wawrinka, Tomas Berdych, Victoria Azarenka on January 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Well we are into the 3rd round and that means that fewer and fewer matches to talk about. However, that does not mean that the drama does not keep on coming. Before we get into the results, I just want to highlight something. We spoke last time of David Nalbandian of Argentina’s lost to American John Isner. During the match at a very crucial juncture, the chair umpire, Kader Nouni (veteran umpire) overruled a call by the linesjudge who called Isner’s service ace out. Nalbadian did not initially hear the overrule as the crowd was all up in cheers. When Nalbandian realized that he lost the point, he went up to check the mark. He felt that it was indeed out and asked for a challenge. Nouni refused to allow him to challenge the call at that point stating that it was too late. Mind you this is at 8-8 in the 5th set and Nalbandian HAD BREAK POINT on the Isner’s serve, which if he won, he would then serve for the match. The Argentine got mad and protested but Nouni refused to budge.

WTF?? I can't challenge?

Now the rules state that the challenge must be done in a “timely manner” without outside influence in that, your coach and supporters cannot influence you to challenge. Anyway Nalbandian got mad and understandably so. I mean it was a very crucial point and the “delay” was understandable because the lines person had called fault. Nalbandian stopped play, began to argue and had the referee come out on court. Now none of this would eventually matter because once the umpire makes a decision, NEVER have I ever seen the referee reverse the decision of the umpire.

You are telling me that there is nothing to be done out here??

In anger or madness, whatever one wants to call it, Nalbandian would later threw water at an official of the tournament because he eventually lost the match 8-10. Mind you Nalbandian had already almost hit a linesjudge earlier in the match in frustration. He threw his racquet at least twice which rebounded and almost hit the official as well as photographers. NO WARNING was given. He was already displaying signs of volatility throughout the match and NOTHING was done to curb this behavior. Now, I understand his anger. He was right, the call was out AND Nouni refused to allow the challenge not because of time issue BUT because he would have been proven wrong. He had overruled the correct call and did not want to face the possibility of being wrong and that is some major BULLSHITE.  This I think is most unfortunate. Nonetheless, that Nalbandian decided to throw water at an official is highly egregious and uncalled for. He was fined $8000.

Fcuk this shite!!

However, there is no media backlash on Nalbandian. No one is calling for his head, blood or his career and SYMPATHY abounds for his actions all over the place. I have long argued that coverage of this sport has been very bias mainly sexist and racist and this incident adds fuel to my heated perspective. The Serenanator was charged almost $100k eventually for threatening the lines official AND put on two year probation AND suffered media spin. They were all over the place with it and many of them inciting racial remarks and profanity in their take of the story. Recently Mardy Fish carried on like a school yard bully both at the US Open and at the Hopman Cup. Nothing happened to him. Mike Bryan of the fame Bryan Brother legendary doubles team, lost first round with his brother Bob at the 2011 US Open. He went after an official, placed his hands on him and was fined $10k. He placed his bloody hands on the official and paid a measly fine. Apparently much of the details about the incident has been “undisclosed” AND this incident happened off court. The examples are numerous where this level of biasness is handed out favoring the men more so than the women. I do not even want to get started on the issue of “the women making too much noise on court topic” that many people seem to love to talk about. I am not condoning any egregious behaviour from any player no matter if it is one of my favourites. The thing that I am angry about is the unfair nature in their punishments. If you are going to take a lighthanded nature to the issue, make sure it is all across the board. Otherwise, Realz will be all over your face. It is ridiculous that this level of biasness bound and in such a blatantly high degree.

So match ups are not fair and all things are not equal. That much we know in life

Anyway interestingly enough, I just read in the New York Times that so far in the tournament, 19 fines have been handed out and all of them to men. Fernando Verdasco was charged $2K for illegal coaching during his first round match. Is any official watching the Danish Biscuit play any of her matches because that situation might need to be addressed.

But, let’s get to the tennis. This issue makes my blood boils.

Vickie Barcelona continues her quest to win her first major. It looked like things might have been interrupted when she faced Mona Barthel, recent Hobart champion. Barthel looked to have been working her way into the match but Vickie remained cool, calm, collected and bagged the victory in straight sets 6-2 6-4. She still looks impressive to me. Joining her in the 4th round will be Danish Biscuit who looks as though she really believes she can win this title. She took out a formidable opponent in the form of Monica Niculescu also in straight sets 6-2 6-2. Mommie Dearest was equally impressive against Daniela Hepburnova 6-3 6-2 and Radwanska might be a spoiler for some as she too also rolled through.

No tongue okay!

Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic played the American Christina McHale who started off very well in the opening two games of the match. I swore McHale had a chance but was I ever wrong. McHale got womanhandled by the Serbian and just won two games 6-2 6-0 for the Serb. Jankovic is a dangerous floater. I have to say that despite a lot of matches being one-sided, the top players are looking stellar, so it will be very interesting to see what happens when they start facing each other in the later rounds. Julia Georges and Benesova also won their matches. LiNaLi having had to wait for a long men’s match to finish, hardly broke a sweat when her opponent Medina-Garrigues hurt her ankle and was forced to pull out of the match. It’s gonna be red hot tennis come next week for sure on the WTA.

Here is the ice you wanted. Now call it quit so I can get home. It's late out here

On the men’s side of the draw, there were no upsets to really speak about and things were pretty on par with the bookmarkers odds. Mr. Divadal came out and dispatched his opponent as if it were a mere warm up match 6-2 6-4 6-2.

Easy day at the office. Time to go out and "relax"

Gurl what you doing later? Had a light work out today. Wanna go shoe shopping?? I wanna get me some Uggs Down Under

However, things were not so routine for Mr. Federer who faced Ivo Karlovic of Croatia aka Andre the Giant. (Something interesting I just found out about Ivo is that he is married to a Jamaican and is a proud daddy. Hmm. There is a tennis story that I would love to cover) Anyway, Andre the Giant is MASSIVE and his serves are bombs. He will ace you in a second. This match requires Mr. Federer to be patient and stealth like because breaking the giant’s service game is a hard task plus his wing span is massive. Anyway, Mr. Federer seemed up to the task. In the 1st set, Mr. Federer was down set point in the tie break but a lucky shot or an unlucky miss by AG gave Mr. Federer new life and the set 7-6. Things kept on serve for much of the second but Mr. Federer was finally able to break to the Croat to win the 2nd 7-5. In the 3rd set, Ivo was simply tired and wilted losing it 3-6. So Mr. Federer is in the 4th round and on a collision course for the semis against Mr. Divadal if they both can get there.

Mr. Federer was cool under pressure!

In other matches, Tomas Berdych, Lurch and Del Potro, Beast Boy, are both still in the game as they enjoyed straight sets victory over their opponents. Berdych is heading to Divadal in the quarters and Beast Boy to Mr. Federer. Those will be HOT TICKET items if things progress that way. However, there are several other players who may have a say about this matter. FeFe Lopez took out American BFG in 5 sets and BFG was not so friendly in post match comments as he decried the poor state of American men’s tennis. There is not a single American man left in the draw. None got out of the 3rd round at this Aussie Open, something that has not happened in the Open era of tennis if an American man has entered. But we will deal with this topic in a subsequent post for sure. Let’s get to the other results. Anyway, Phillip Kohlschreiber took out Alejandro Falla in straight sets as did Nicolas Almagro against Wawrinka. The Swiss tennischubby could not muster up enough energy to deal with a real athlete.

Almagro is through to the round of 16

The “big match” of the day was really Bernard Tomic vs Alexandr Dolgopolov (Boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy or according to Chong, BWLLAGWLLAB) Anyway, Tomic won this match in 5 sets and it is surprising that Tomic is in the 4th round of this tournament because he has faced far more superior players than himself and yet with the effort of the crowd come through. BWLLAGWLLAB of course ran out of steam as he too has been playing marathon matches coming into this one. Anyway Tomic will face Mr. Federer and I highly doubt it that he will get pass the Swiss Maestro. That pretty much takes care of the results for Day 5 at the Aussie Open.

Tomic dispatched of BWLLAGWLLAB

Benesova has it going on. Let's drink to her as her cup runneth over

Hottie but she doesn't have any cups to drink from unfortunately.

Fefe Lopez, what's with the hair though??

Who is his hair stylist??

Shark girl??

Oooooo definitely not a cutie!! It is like the moon's surface. And is that gold in his mouth?

Yeah my breathe is really kicking!!

I am sorry but those photographers are clearly perving right now

Someone is absent from this picture. Who is the missing link??

Australian Open 2012 Day 4

In Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Australian Open, Carla Suarez Narravo, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Kaia Kanepi, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Milos Raonic, Nadia Petrova, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams on January 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm

So Day 4’s action

The top ladies looked to be in fine form thus far in these championships and Shriekapova came out with a vengeance against her American opponent. She dismantled her 6-0 6-1. The Serenanator was really no different as she raced out to a 6-0 first set victory in 22 minutes. She looked a bit spotty in the 2nd set but still managed to close it out 6-4 to move into the 3rd round. The Serenanator last lost here at the Open was in 2008 though she did not play last year. Therefore, she has sort of a winning streak at these championships. She is a 5 time winner though the Aussie crowd will scream on anyone on the other side of her.

BAM. The Serenanator is showing off the machine...wires and all

Don't hate!! Just appreciate!! She got it going on. Hopefully the mind is going on too for her to win her 6th title here

Marion Bartoli aka Fatoli aka La Petite Grosse of France (the lone superstar of the French ladies…incidentally she does look like Mary Catherine of SNL fame) is also looking in fine form as she dispatched of Aussie hopeful Jelena Dokic 6-3 6-2. Fatoli is a dangerous floater. She has made it far in majors and will most certainly look to disrupt all bookmarkers predisposed favourites. I have to also say that she is looking a bit trimmer this year though very very slight. I guess she ate less tarts over the Christmas holiday. I am also happy to report in particular to my Serbian fanz that Ivanovic the Terrible has done the seemingly rare feat of winning 2 matches in a row in singles at a major. She has had a terrible start of the year but just might be getting something going here. She has made it to the finals in 2008 where she lost to Shriekapova who in all fairness was playing the best tennis ever in her career and also deserved the title after that emphatic beatdown the previous year in the finals by the Serenanator.

Rare achievement for the Serb to be near the end of the 1st week at a major. Ivanovic the Terrible

Well you know how I have Kvitova aka GHW to possibly win this title, well Lady Hobbit aka Carla Suarez Navarro of Spain, almost threw a monkey wrench into this plan. Now Lady Hobbit is no stranger to upsets as many will remember that in 2009 if I am not mistaken, Ebony Starr was looking red hot at these championships until she met up on this beastly gal in the 2nd round. Lady Hobbit has a wicked one handed backhand and you get on the wrong side of that thing, she will burn you. However, for the life of me what I cannot understand is why she looks like that on court. Her deportment skills are atrocious at best.How is it that all the Spanish men come on court looking like they just rolled off the pages of GQ and Men’s Vogue magazines and the senoritas look like they were “Holidaying with the Hags” This is not right at all. Someone fix this pronto.

Look at this Spanish mess. It is like the only make up she knows is tests. She needs to hang with the girls, L'oreal, Revlon, Maybelline and Clairol. And someone please burn that outfit she is wearing.

And look at this now! These hombres got these senoritas beat in the style department

Anyway, GHW is no beauty queen on the court either so I guess the hideousness edge Lady Hobbit usually has over top opponents was neutralized. I will admit that GHW does clean up very very well off court. I have spoken at length about this Spanish Niña in particular her attire. Well anyway, GHW seemed on top of things with a 6-2 first set win. However, hobbits know a thing or two about magic and perhaps Gandalf came back or the elves sent some gifts but Suarez was not going to be disapperated off the court. She got the 2nd set 6-2 and the battle began in the 3rd. It was only good serving from the Czech that was able to push her past Navarro in the end. Ebony Starr I hope you saw that match because what Kvitova did was what YOU were supposed to do when you faced her. So GHW is through to the 3rd round with a 6-2 2-6 6-4 victory.

GHW had to come with some new spells to vanquish the Hobbit

In other matches, 29th seed Nadia Fatrova of Russia lost in straight sets to Errani as did the 25th seed Kaia Kanepi who was playing so well coming into these championships even winning Auckland if I am not mistaken. Vania King aka Saw Clown but I think I am going to change her name to Sailor Moon for obvious reasons took out the 15th seed Pavlyuchenkova in 3 sets which was not really that difficult to do because Pavlyuchenkova looks “heavy.” I swear I do not know what sort of sport tennis could be when there are so many tennichubbies running… I mean trying to run around on court. I know this is a ticklish issue but seriously now, fitness is key in tennis especially in the Australian heat.

What the hell is going on here?? Since when Lamaze has become a sport??

It is not the camera angle.

Anyway, Sabine Lisicki is through also taking out Shahar Peer of Israel quite easily 6-1 6-2 as is her fellow German Angelique Kerber. Kirilenko the 27th seed is through as is her countrywoman/man Kuzi-Rex who had hard fought 2 set victory over American Sloane Stephens. Jie Zheng is also through to the 3rd round is Greta Arn of Germany who took out seeded player Diminika Cibuttkova and Sorana Cirstea who took out Agie Radwanska’s sister Ursala. (I think I spelt her name wrong the last time around. CRIstea but it is CIRstea. Thus the correct pronunciation is Kur-te-a if I am not mistaken this time around). Anyway that’s about it for the ladies.

A light day at the office today

Regarding the menz, well D’Juggernaut is breezing through his matches with lil effort. He took out his opponent 6-3 6-2 6-1; seemingly becoming more and more efficient as the match went on. Baby Ali also looked in fine form though he had a tough match from Brazilian Ricardo Mello. He won in straight sets as did Lochness Monster and Dingo Dog Hewitt. Hewitt benefited from Roddick’s retirement from the match. Apparently during the match, Roddick cracked his crotch; ie, he pulled his groin muscle. He attempted to play on but after 3 sets being down 1-2 sets, he decided to let it go. So Hewitt is in the 3rd round though I am sure he will not be progressing further than the 4th round. The more interesting matches proved to be on the other courts where the men were battling each other for a chance at a 3rd round of this major.

Yeah I think I might not be able to have any children

9th seed Janko Tipsarevic was up against James Duckworth of Australia and was getting as good as he was giving as he finally came through in 4 sets 6-4 if I am not mistaken in the final set. Duckworth’s countryman, Matthew Ebden lost a 5 set match against Kei Nishikori (24th seed) of Japan. Tipsarevic’s fellow Serb Viktor Troicki on the other hand was sent packing when Mikhail Kukushkin took him out in 5 sets. It was a really good match between the two. Dennis the Menace aka Milos Raonic  (23rd seed) fought hard against Phillip Petzschner and took it in 4 sets. Petzschner will feel this match as he played brilliantly but could not stop the barrage of huge hitting serves from the Canadian.

Raonic aka Dennis the Menace is through to the 3rd round

Monfils looked to be a good form as well very focused at these championships. Beetlejuice is showing no sign of his usual crazy antics on court and composed himself against the hottie Thomaz Bellucci after losing the 1st set. The French beast raised his level of play and easily dispatched the Brazilian who has massive potential but prove far too often to be inconsistent. Monfils will join his fellow Frenchies Gasquet, Nicholas Mahut, Michael Llodra aka King Louis of Jungle Book who took out American Alex Bogomolov Jr (32nd seed) and Julian Benneteau who took out the 12th seed fellow Frenchman Gilles Simon. Simon started out so well but faltered in the end.

Well that’s it for the men’s side.

Sabine Lisicki of Germany is pretty pretty though she got some thunder thighs which is not a bad thing at all

Thunder thighs!!

Take a rest boo. Carrying around that much good looks can be tiring.

Hi there. What's your name?

Ryan Sweeting is definitely sweet.

Mommie Dearest are you kidding me?

Oh Jesus dinosaurs are not extinct!!

Honey, unfortunately that kind of ugly does not come off with sweat

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo

I know. He upsets my stomach too

Vania King of the US formerly Saw Clown has now been renamed

Sailor Moon

Ahhh sir, this is not that type of establishment..

WOW though commendable, this is not the type of skill we expect to see on the court, though off court, we will be happy to let you bring that racquet to play with our balls

Is it you that I ask for the toilet paper??

Aussie Open 2012: Day 3

In Agnes Radwanska, Australian Open, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Donald Young, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kim Clijsters, Marcos Baghdatis, Mardy Fish, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Stanislav Wawrinka, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Haas, Victoria Azarenka on January 19, 2012 at 10:04 am

Vickie Barcelona is charging through the field like a bull

Well Vickie Azarenka is on a war path and she is dispatching of her opponents with a vengeance. Twice she was looked spectacular at the Aussie Open 2009 and 2010, only to meet the Serenanator who through perhaps luck as well as her prodigious skills, snuck passed the Belarusian to subsequently win the title. Now, Vickie is on the other side of the draw and cannot meet the American until possibly the final. Therefore, she can be calm, cool and collected about her these championships. She played the Australian Casey Dellacqua and Vickie was simply brutal to the crowd favourite. It was almost with disdain she finished her off 6-1 6-0. Perhaps she meant to not let the native daughter win a game or simply to prove her superiority but she just pounded on that girl like she had just slapped her mother. Whatever it was, Vickie Barcelona Christina is looking stellar and the rest of the field or at least in the top half should do well to pay close attention because Vickie is not fcuking around this year.

Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic is still floating around in the draw

Well Radwanska who I swear look like a Bratz Doll got through her match quite easily unlike in her first round match. Danish Biscuit who had no talk of wrist injury this time around as far as I am aware went through easily as well. Other top players who made it through were LiNaLi, Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic and Mommie Dearest who showed her usual early round brilliance when rolled over her opponent 6-0 6-1. German hopeful Julia Goerges also won her match as did her countrywoman Mona Barthel, a virtual unknown who came through qualifying last week to win Hobart (a warm tournament) continued to show fine form as she too made it to the 3rdround.

Which hair spoilist thought that this was a good look for Mommie Dearest??

By way of upsets, Schiabone was knocked out in straight sets 4-6 3-6 by her fellow Italian Romina Oprandi. There was no fight at all from the 10th seed Francesco and I was happy for it really. I am just sick and tired of seeing her running around the court and making those ridiculous asthmatic sounds and you know I am hardly one to ever complain about the “ladies” grunting. Anyway, 16th seed Shuai Peng lost to Benesova whilst American Christina McHale booked her place in the 3rdround with a 3 set victory over Erakovic. That takes care of the ladies.

Mr. Divadal looking good thus far

On the men’s side, Mr. Federer had a very light day at the office as his opponent Andreas Beck of Germany pulled out of the match before the start. So Mr. Federer is in the 3rd round. Mr. Divadal did not break much of a sweat as he took out German Tommy Haas aka Head and Shoulders in straight sets. Lurch aka Berdych looked to be going out early against his opponent but he just swung around and pummeled him in the next 3 sets. He too is in the 3rd round as are Del Potro (11th seed) aka Beast Boy, Fefe Lopez, Ivo Karlovic (a dangerous floater) Kevin Anderson (30thseed).

Is it just me or it looks like he is wearing foundation??

There were several marathon matches later on in the day as Nicolas Almagro (10th seed) fought off a charge from young hottie Grigor Dimitrov. Dimitrov just had nothing left in the tank for the 5thset and went out 0-6. American John Isner aka Big Friendly Giant (BFG) outlasted David Nalbandian who had the match on his racquet. Nalbandian allowed himself to get sidetracked by a very questionable call by the umpire and let several break points go.

BFG is through to the 3rd round

Alexandr Dolgopolov (13th seed) aka boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy, he pulled through in 5 sets as well though I think it was a lot of wasted energy on court. He could have easily wrapped up the match but seems willing to play around on court. If he wishes to crack the top 10 and remain there, he will need to increase his sense of urgency on court as well as be far more efficient in his game. BFG won his second 5 set match 10-8. His fellow Americans Sam Querry aka the Grinch and Donald Young both attempted to put up a fight against their opponents but both lost in 4 sets. Mardy Fish (8thseed) also lost as he went down in straight sets to Columbian Alejandro Falla 7-6 6-3 7-6. A very disappointing result I am sure.

Alejandro Falla of Columbia

I am a skinny itch now....let me see you hate on my body

However, I think it is time we accept the fact that Fish is not the next American hope in men’s tennis. I feel that he has got to as far as he will get in his career. He chose to lose the weight and take tennis seriously far too late and this year for sure will see his ranking plummet. And as we are talking about fatties, in the battle of the tennischubbies, Wawrinka vs Fatdatis, the Swiss was able to pull out the victory in the end despite massive crowd support for the Cypriot.

Wawrinka and Fatdatis. There is cake over there... let go get some

Now Fatdatis made it to the finals I believe in 2006 or 2007 where he was handled by Mr. Federer. He has since then made it to the semis of Wimbledon but has yet to come close to such achievement. Instead of gaining more match skills and maturity, he gained weight. He opted for the food court instead of the tennis court. The same can be said of Wawrinka. Look at those moobs on his chest; he needs a brossiere. However, the match was rather entertaining because Wawrinka has one of the sweetest one handed backhands you would ever see on the tennis court. Anyway, this match would gain infamy for something else. Take a look,

What really got to me though is not his behaviour; Fatdatis never struck me as someone with any sort of class. However, it is the fact that the chair umpire said nothing until he broke the 4th racquet and the media response to this is as if this were some mere joke and Fatdatis is being “eccentric” in some manner. Earlier that very same day, David Nalbandian in a fit of rage in his match against American BFG, threw his racquet and almost hit a lines judge. The umpire said nothing. I have long stated that the Grand Slams are harsher on women than they are on men and had this been the Serenanator, the newsreels would have been on fire. And while I am talking about this, can TV commentators stop talking about the women “noise level” Mr. Divadal and D’Joker are always grunting throughout their matches and I have yet to hear a soul say shite about it.

That’s it for results. Enjoy the picture show…..

Daniela Hepburnova is working the camera this major for sure

Dimitrov is simply delicious

I think Almagro is leading the ATP from behind. I dare say, he given has Divadal licked

Might I make a suggestion as to where you can lick m'am??

I don't want to be mean but that's a very unattractive woman in the black. She must have a winning personality

Fatoli pumping those fat tubes

Again, what's with this shirtless frat boyz business?? Gaynesia has definitely become an epidemic

Ahhhh m'am, I think you might need a bathroom break.

Check out my fierce walk gurl!!

Aussie Open 2012: Day 2

In Agnes Radwanska, Alexander Dolgopolov, Andy Murray, Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, David Ferrer, David Nalbandian, Donald Young, Francesca Schiavone, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, John Isner, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kaia Kanepi, Li Na, Lleyton Hewitt, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Sabine Lisicki, Sam Stosur, Vera Zvonareva on January 18, 2012 at 6:06 am

Kvitova aka (Grand High Witch GHW) was first up against Russian Dushevina who broke the number 2 seed and 2011 Wimbledon Champ in the opening service game. Dushevina quickly raced to a 2-0 lead. Things looked for a minute like they were going to be very interesting out here on the Rod Laver Arena. However, things did not look good for the Russian after that as she was bludgeoned on the court. GHW worked her magic and reeled off 12 straight games taking the match 6-2 6-0. Dushevina did not even know what hit her.  Now, this is why Kvitova is one of my picks to win this tournament.

I put a spell on you and you're mine my lil pretty

My only fear with GHW is that she can get into these mental lapses where she acts as though she barely knows how to play the game. Anyway, she is safely through to the 2nd round where she will not be joined by Sam “D’Stove” Stosur (6th seed). Now Stosur can perhaps be described as an enigma but we will talk about that in a minute. Stosur was the last match up on the Rod Laver Arena for the Day Session and you know, all of Australia was crazy excited for this match. The 2011 US Open champ was taking the court. Prior to this title, the last time Australians had had a major champion was back in 2002 when Dingo Dog Hewitt won Wimbledon.  Australians are extremely proud of their native daughter because much of Australia’s tennis team are in fact naturalized Australians; imported talents of sorts. Australia have a rich history in tennis but apparently they seem to have to outsource for the job. Sam Stosur on the other hand was born and breed Down Under and so they all jumping like kangaroos for her and the match.

We are here for our gurl Sam!!

And what does Sam do for the crowd, well she loses. She loses to Sorana Cirstea of Romania in the first round. Now Cirstea is not a bad player, bony like hell but not a bad player at all but Sam has not lost a single set to her in their prior 2-3 meetings. Sam broke the Romanian in her opening service game and looked to be on her way to romping through this match to the delight of the crowd. However, Cirstea kept forcing the issue and later broke back. She would not allow the Aussie to get a decent lead in the set or assert herself. Now if you have seen D’Stove play tennis, you would realize that she has one main weakness, she virtually has the inability to hit a backhand. It is such a glaring deficiency. However, she is able to get away with it on most days but Cirstea was making her pay dearly for this.

Sorana Cristea (Kris-te-ah not Chris-tea oka) from Romania

Sam has never done well in her native country (think of Mauresmo in France. Oh in 2003 French Open quarterfinals, the Serenanator made Amelie look like she was ranked 1000th in the world. The French crowd was virtually silent through the match as they watched the Serenanator simply tear Mauresmo limb by limb. It was not cute. No wonder the French crowd booed the American against Cheating Justine in that infamous semi-final match.) Anyway, we digress. Sam coming in this year’s Aussie Open lost in the 2nd round and 1st round of her two warm up tournament. So with little to no confidence as well as the weight of a nation on her, Cirstea took the match 7-6 6-3.

The gas line is not connect to D'Stove.

Now what I want to say about D’Stove is that I think she is quite a lovely girl and she is the epitome of the motto, hard work brings success but the real truth of the matter is that Sam is no real singles player. She is a doubles specialist hence why her game is so halved (no backhand). She does not have the killer instinct of a top lady contender and perhaps the public should stop expecting great things from her. She won the US Open and by right she deserved it after that excellent 2010 clay court season only to lose the French Open to Schiabone. However, to be a contender at majors or week in and week out on the tour; that is not D’Stove Stosur. The girl is so lacking in confidence on court. There is no way, a Kim, a Serenanator , a Ebony Starr (on most days), a Shriekapova would have come out on court in such a lackluster manner. It was telling from the beginning that she was not going to impose herself on the match in any way. No wonder, Cirstea had a way easier time in the 2nd set than in the first. Anyway, the hope of nation was simply dashed.

Hello??? Anyone home??

And as if Sam was not bad enough, another of their imported daughter Jarmila Gajdosova (Guydasova) formerly Jarmila Groth, was knocked out by Maria Kirilenko (27th seed). Kirilenko will join countrywoman Maria Shriekapova who just simply ripped Gisela Dulko of Argentina a new one with a 6-0 6-1 victory. Dulko had knocked Shriekapova out of the French Open some years ago and Shriekapova seemed to have been exacting revenge.  I often wonder how does one deal with themselves the next day after such a dismal performance. All I know is that it must suck to be them. Suck big time and not in a good way at all.

Shriekapova

Anyway, it was not all tears for the Australians as Jelena Dokic knocked out Anna Chakvetadze which was basically a battle of super great talent but no great results. I think it is time Chakvetadze consider being a professional teacher than a professional player. I do not think her nerves can deal with being on the tour and these poor poor results.  And while we are talking about Russians, we should mention that Boynetsova aka Svetlana Kuznetsova (18th seed Happy to see her ranking going up there), Maria Kirilenko (27th seed) Vera Zvonareva (7th seed) came through to the 2nd round, both in 3 sets as did Nadia Fatrova (29th seed) and Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (15th seed).  Zvonareva is my super dark horse pick behind LiNaLi. Other winners include Ivanovic the Terrible (21st seed) Sabine Lisicki (14th seed), Marion Fatoli aka La Petite Grosse (9th seed), Dominika Cibuttkova (17th seed) Kaia Kanepi (25th seed) Shahar Peer and Jie Zheng 2010 semifinalist here.  The US should be proud of themselves  as several young ladies made it through to the 2nd round on the 2nd day: Sloane Stephens, Jamie Hampton and Vania King aka Saw Clown. Seems I almost for this. Well the Queen Supreme of American tennis is of course, the Serenanator (12th seed) and she did not disappoint as the final match of the day. She dealt with the Austrian Tamira Paszek 6-3 6-2, preserving her record of having never lost in the first round of a major (45-0).

The Serenanator seeks out to destroy

On the men’s side, D’Joker begins his defense of his Aussie Open title and did he look spectacular as he simply demolished his Italian opponent Paolo Lorenzi 6-2 6-0 6-0. It was a beat down. D’Juggernaut is not skylarking about this at all. He is out to defend his title and he appear to be under the impression that he will defend.

That was a warm up match!

His countrymen Janko Tipsarevic (9th seed) and Viktor Troicki (17th seed) also won. Troicki came from two match points down if I am not mistaken to win the match in 5 sets. Meanwhile Lochness Monster (4th seed) was not looking so hot at all. Young Ryan Harrison was showing him up on court and trying him as he if were the lower ranked player. However, Nessie is not number 4 in the world for nothing and he simply showed the American who was the boss on the court. Harrison should take heart from this game and I myself was particularly impressed with what I saw throughout the match. Hopefully this potential pans out.

Ryan Harrison

And speaking of Americans, Andy “Mr. Brooklyn Decker” Roddick (15th seed) easily dispatched of Robin Haase of the Netherland who almost beat Lochness Monster last year at the US Open as did Ryan Sweeting and Alex Bogomolov Jr. Mr. Bogomolov has recently been the center of controversy when he was cleared to play for Russia his native country. He is a naturalized citizen of the US. Do not worry Sasha, do not mind the haters because we here are Realz loves you for realz.

Sometimes @$$holes can't help drawing attention to themselves

Australia’s bad start got better as Lleyton Hewitt seemingly down and out in the 4th set trailing 1-5 came back to win 6 straight games against Cedrik-Marcel Steber Germany. I swear, never have I seen a player choked this badly. Wait, Mr. Federer did against Mr. Divadal in the 1st set at the French Open last year. (Don’t remind me please!) Dingo Dog showed that he is a fight but unfortunately he faces Mr. Brooklyn Decker in the next round and though this is a battle of two washed up has beens, I think the American can pull this one out though I hardly care about this result. No secret that I cannot stand the Aussie and his smug, rude nasty attitude. Two other Aussie men made it into the 2nd rounds but I would not bother to tell you their names because I am certain they would not be doing anything special this year Aussie Open.

Fiery Ferrer is about to lick that ball........Olé senor

Anyhow, other winners include David Ferrer aka Fiery Ferrer (5th seed), Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice (14th seed) who…surprise..surprise won in straight sets instead of some long protracted 5 set epic battle in the 1st round. He will join his countrymen Baby Ali Tsonga (6th seed), Gilles Simon (12th seed), Richard G@$$quet (17th seed), Michael Llodra, Julian Bennateau and Nicholas Mahut. I swear France has become the new hot spot for men’s tennis. So many good athletes. The US needs to study their junior programs and have them duplicated over here. Other players who made it to the 2nd round were Juan Ignacio Chin-Chela (27th seed) Milos Raonic (23rd seed) and Kei Nishikori (24th seed) one of the few men to beat D’Juggernaut last year.

Definitely a cutie pie...all you girls can swoon and proclaim "I wanna have a baby!'

Definitely a hottie is Cristea!

Adidas (All Day I Dream About Sex) Definitely in the hottie sex. Apparently he is Danny Valverdu, on Lochness Monster's coaching staff. I would definitely like to hit some balls with him.

Don't know who he is but definitely would love to especially in the biblical sense.

Hmmm and who is this and what's under that shirt? Hey you with the mike, how about you get some pit pads or switch to anti-perspirant?

Ooo that's what was under there. I think I have a touch of the vapours. Can someone get me the smelling salts??

It always hurt a lil when it first goes in....just breathe!!

A lil tongue action never hurts a soul

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, oral comes standard with every model though one has to have a clean tongue

Azarenka, I could sorta see where they were trying to go with this one, but sweetie, this is just straight up, softcore porn.

Who knew dinosaur wore clothes? Yeah we are in the nottie section now

And speaking of dinosaurs, here we have a caveman

Maybe because it is the wee hours in the morning but Beetlejuice sorta looks cute here.

Oh okay, the world is right again. Definitely a nottie

Hmmmm what's going on here ladies? Rather cozy no??

Hmmmm lady, something tells me you are thinking "Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink."

I see gaynesia is about to claim some new victims. And I am just saying, if you are going to draw attention to yourself shirtless, can't you at least make sure you do some crunches and not eat Crunches. I mean "C" too much Calories in your diet. Come on now indeed. O, Oh really with that scrawny chest. M, I think you have been skipping too Many Meals and E, can we get some Exercise from you.

Well that’s Day 2’s coverage for you.

We are up and running Down Under! Aussie Open 2012 Day 1

In Agnes Radwanska, Alexander Dolgopolov, Andy Murray, Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Caroline Wozniacki, David Nalbandian, Fernando Verdasco, Flavia Pennetta, Francesca Schiavone, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Mardy Fish, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Robin Haase, Sam Stosur, Serena Williams, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Haas, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on January 18, 2012 at 5:41 am

It has been months since I have updated this blog. It is quite shameful. Perhaps I should do video blogs or something, make my life easier. However, I cannot do the photos bit and then my entire anonymity is shot to piece. It’s 2012, and I promise to get my “life” together and serve you more. I am not going to make promises. Or perhaps maybe I should. Anyway, let us not waste time dealing with trivial matter. WELCOME TO THE 2012 REALZ AUSSIE OPEN COVERAGE. It will not get any better than this. I want to also thank my Facebook Fanz. They have been tremendous and have kept RealzTenisFanz current. Will give special shoutouts in later blog postings.

So we are in Melbourne for 2 weeks!!

Anyway when we last spoke, we were at Day 6 of the 2011 US Open and you do not need me to tell you what happened. The Serenanator made it to the final and self destruct on court handing Sam “D’Stove” Stosur the title in convincing fashion. I am not a huge fan of Stosur but she is quite pleasant and was extremely happy for her. After the disappointment of the 2010 French Open, she was determined to win a major and she did so. Kudos for Stosur, though the rest of her year was dismal.

You would think that she wasn't happy about the win!

As for the menz, well Mr. Federer totally let me down, having two match points on his own serve and gave D’Joker Harlequeen the victory again in another semifinal. I pointed out on Facebook that in 2009, Mr. Federer played Harlequeen in the US Open semifinal and he won. However, he was hotdogging (showing off) all over the place including on match point. He went on to the final but lost to Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy. Since then, Mr. Federer has never won another US Open title nor beaten D’Joker at the Open. Hubris, look it up and I think you might see Mr. Federer’s face there. Now, you all know I love me some Mr. Federer; he is my psychic twin. However, Mr. Federer got a lil lesson in humility. Anyway, I am not bashing my “boo” but it would not be love if I could not see the faults as well. Anywho, we not really here for that. So Harlequeen made it to the finals where he faced Mr. Divadal who had demolished Lochness Monster in another semifinal. Now, I picked Harlequeen to win though all other fanz imagined that Mr. Divadal would have pulled through. Of course I was right. Fanz, it was a demolition of psyche and physicality as D’Juggernaut just batted Mr. Divadal around the place as if he were a mere child coming to play a man’s game. I know loads of Mr. Divadal’s fanz will disagree with my assessment but I assure you, D’Juggernaut was the won dictating play on court and Mr. Divadal had absolutely no answer despite having lost to him in 5 previous finals.

His first US Open title

So in the end, 4 different women won majors; Mommie Dearest (Aussie) LiNaLi (French) Kvitova aka Grand High Witch [GHW] (Wimbledon) and Sam D’Stove Stosur (US Open) and two men won the majors; Harlequeen (Aussie, Wimbledon and the Open) and Mr. Divadal (French). All of the women basically fell off the map after their win though Kvitova came back strong at the very end of the year, winning a regular tour title and the Year ending championships. For men, Harlequeen was up and down though he had nothing to prove as she had clearly established himself as THE NUMBER ONE. Lochness Monster was a stealth ninja as he cleaned up the Asian tour including serving up a 6-0 set against Mr. Divadal in Japan if I am not mistaken (I am rushing this edition so if there be any mistakes on stats not viewpoints, comment and I will rectify) Lochness crashed out in Paris but Mr. Federer showed his usual end of year flair by winning Paris as well as taking the end of year championships for the 6th time. He also got to reclaim number 3 in the world. All in all 2011 was a very good year for tennis in particular on the men’s side. I of course am happy that Kvitova being a “young gun” won a major which I hope will signal a changing of the tide for the ladies. Of course they can scramble for majors as long as Serenanator and Ebony Starr are not around. I will allow for an Azarenka to win a major because I so heart her.

Anyway let’s get to the results of Day 1 for the ladies.

Vickie Azarenka got things under way against Heather Watson of Britain. Watson who I swear is the doppelganger for Santana on Glee was just manhandled or should I say womanhandled.

Heather Watson or should I say, Wantana??

Naya Rivera secret sister of Heather Watson?? Someone better talk to their parents about this matter. Too similar in my book.

Watson won her first game and I believe had break point in Vickie’s first service game. However, that did not matter because Vickie just went on a tear winning 12 straight games. Watson was competitive throughout but she simply did not have the weight of shot to contend with the number 3 player in the world. I like Watson because I find her temperament as well as her attitude on court is much more enjoyable than the other British girls (Robson, Baltacha, Keothavong) and she is the youngest if I am not mistaken with a determination to get better. I really like that. Anyway, Vickie was through 6-1 6-0.

Vickie just might be ready to take her spot at number one this year

Other winners include Na Li who might just go all the way this year after making a semi in 2010, final in 2011 and with major win experience, might just claim it all in 2012. However, there are other players who might want to stop that including defending champ Mommie Dearest, Jelena “Fivehead Jungle Witch” Jankovic, Francesca Schiabone, Julia Goerges, Shuai Peng, Daniela Hantuchova and the top ranked player, Danish Biscuit. And while we are on the subject of Danish Biscuit, let me just say that though I never hearted this Cookie, I never loathed her either. I respected her ability to be consistent and never once spoke disparagingly about her rise to number 1 though I spoke about my feelings that she may never win a major. Anyway, this lil biscuit has really been grating me as of late. Besides the fact that I have to hear her going on about her lil golf boo every chance she gets (honey Rory Mcllroy got a major. You don’t. You are not a major winner because you sleep with one. Nope, doesn’t work like that. And while we are in the brackets, I should mention that lil heart pendant with the Danish flag that he gave you for a Christmas present, boo, it’s a bloody souvenir. You got a tourist trinket for Christmas. I would not be publicizing that. We might be interested when he start giving you real diamonds, tennis bracelets etc, otherwise just STFU about it already)

I suspect 3 Euros at Copenhagen International Airport??

Now, she puts out that she got this wrist injury before her 1st round match and may not be able to finish her etc etc. Now you are thinking, the number one player will be out early with injury (not that she was in anyway contending for the title) Then she comes 6-2 6-1 over her opponent. Really DB?? We are resorting to these silly tactics now?? You need to grow up with this sorta nonsense. You do not need to create news for yourself. You need headlines, win a bloody major already.

Looking like a Bic highlighter on court and it's high day time.

Anywho, Agie Radwanska fought off a tough challenge by American Bethanie Mattek-Sands who I felt had a chance to win the match but of course seemed to be all over the place except on the tennis court. I know some people think that she has a unique style of playing and she is charismatic and all that jazz but really and truly at the end of the day, her tennis sorta sucks. A bit harsh but she runs around the court as if she is sucking on acid pops, though considering her outfit choices, one may feel that that is indeed the case. However, she has great potential or perhaps had it. She had Radwanska by the jugular and simply released her hold on her. If Mattek-Sands is what the US is offering as possible future of their women’s game, they might as well forget about another major champion for a long time.

What?? Is it meatballs calling me??

By way of upsets, Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta (19th seed) lost to Nina Bratchukova (Yeah, even I don’t know who she is) in three sets. Penne Pasta looked well over cooked early throughout the match and was dished out of the tournament. Yanina Wickmayer (28th seed) was also knocked out by Galina Voskoboeva of Kazakhstan. Christina McHale another hopeful champion or the US took out 24th seed Lucie Safarova aka Lady Gollum aka Former Mrs. Tomas Berdych. Since Lurch “upgraded” to his new model, Safarova has not been looking well at all. She lost in straight sets 6-2 6-4. I guess it is a good time as any to mention that Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams will not be at the Aussie Open. She pulled out against citing her energy sapping condition. She “promises” to be back on tour this February. Also out is Andrea Petkovic who incidentally, Ebony Starr pulled out against in the 2nd round last year at the these Aussie Open. She will be out for several months if I am not mistaken. And while we are on older ladies, Date Krumm, Granny Goodness lost in the first round.

So who are my picks for this Aussie Open. Hmmm, I will say it is a tossup between four players. On the top half, I am with Mommie Dearest (though I hope not) or Vickie Azarenka. On the bottom half, I am favouring Grand High Witch (GHW) aka Petra Kvitova or the Serenanator. Kimmie looked rather rusty in her first set though winning 7-5 as she is not the type to be losing that many games in a first round so I put an asterisk to her name. Vickie seems to be getting progressively better each year and she has the luxury of not facing the Serenanator until possibly the finals. My dark horse pick will be LiNaLi who has steadily progressed each year. 2010 semis, 2011, finals, 2012 champion??? Hmmm we shall see.

LiNaLi might just be your 2012 Aussie Open champ

On the men’s side,

Easy, breezy Mr. Federer!

Mr. Federer and Mr. Divadal won comfortably as can be expected. There was no fuss about their wins and they are through to the 2nd round. Del-Potro aka Beast Boy started off rather shaky and seemed to be packing it up for Buenos Aires but he brought out his mammoth size forehand and was back in the game, winning in 4 sets. Berdych aka Lurch, he too, looked shaky but also came through in 4 sets.Other winners include Wawrinka, Mardy Fish (8th seed), Nicolas Almagro (10th seed), Fefe Lopez, Sam Querry aka the Grinch, Tommy Haas, Ivo Karlovic, a dangerous floater who took out Jurgen Melzer (31st seed I think)  and Olivier Rochus (another dangerous floater). Alexandr Dolgopolov (boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy) won in 5 sets after being down 2 sets to love. I really like Dolgo but I fear his concentration in matches is lacking. He is very Zen-like it seems on court but I suspect that calm state might be that there is no one at home at times. He has checked out for a bit. When he is on, he is capable of playing outstanding tennis and he is one of the young players I feel can really make some noise on the tour in years to come. Fatdatis also won as did Nalbandian. Young American Donald Young won in 5 sets though I feel he will not progress past the 2nd round. However, good win.

Tabasco Verdasco is looking like a spicy buffalo wing with mustard and hot sauce on top

The more interesting match I guess of the 1st day was Fernando Tabasco Verdasco taking on Aussie Bernard Tomic. Now Verdasco was red hot taking the first two sets. Then Tomic called out the trainer for cramps. However, one commentator on EuroSport later stated that Tomic was “faking it” Whatever the case, who really had the cramp out there was Verdasco who lost the match in 5 sets 6-4 7-6 4-6 2-6 5-7. Verdasco is a really good player and can really contend with the best of them. He is capable of being a top 6 player in the world. However, I guess fame got to his game and he has been slipping as of late especially in his fashion game. That orange soda outfit he had on was disgusting. I took comfort in the fact that he is out and I do not have to see it again. Verdasco needs to get his head back in the game.

Tomic of Australia..is that a muffin top I see there or am I hating?? You know we never hate on the skinny itches around here.

So who are my picks for the men….well actually, it is not much picks as oppose to my picK which would have to be D’Joker Harlequeen. Confidence does not describe the high this guy is one and truth be told, he is playing the best tennis out there. The others are definitely scrambling to catch up. Many have asked, can D’Joker keep it up? Well he is a virtual D’Juggernaut and why not? Mr. Federer and Mr. Divadal were dominating for a time so why not D’Joker. So really, I think he can make some more noise again this year especially at the majors. So who is 2nd, I will say Mr. Federer. Mr. Divadal is not confident. There is something a bit off about him to me but I know his fanz will have my head for this. However, if he and Mr. Federer were to meet in the semis as they are on the same side of the draw, Mr. Federer will be the victor. And what about the Lochness Monster? Well, he needs a psychologist more so than a new coach in the form of Ivan Lendl. Will be interesting to see what he does this year for I do fear that if Murray does not win a major this year, it will be a “No chance in hell” he can win one in the future. Anyway, I think that’s about it for this edition THOUGH I am very late as usual. Dark horse picks and these are Black Beauty dark, Baby Ali Tsonga and Juan Martin Beast Boy Del Potro. I need an assistant!!

HOTTIE Benoit Paire of France. OUI OUI OUI

Daniela is giving us CoverGurl! Wurk!!!

Hmmm sir, you are aware that you're wearing a skirt right??

Arabasque Mr. Divadal. I always knew you had fancy feet!

You are a girl right??

Excuse! Gurl, I don't do that!....Anymore...well not on Mondays

And M is for Munching all the time...

We have all seen this before. We know the likely outcome. Gaynesia is about to take hold. Who knew there were daywalkers among us?? I mean D and Y have you all ever seen the sun before?