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2012 French Open: Le 4eme Jour

In Fernando Verdasco, French Open, Irina Falconi, Juan Martin Del Potro, Marian Bartoli, Melanie Oudin, Petra Kvitova, Roger Federer, Sam Stosur, Serena Williams, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tomas Berdych on May 31, 2012 at 11:35 am

Day 4:
Well after the shocker of the Serenanator going out for the 1st time in the 1st round of a major, the conditions seems brewing for another upset. Vickie started things off. In her 1st round match, she was 2 games away from losing the whole shebang. However, in her 2nd round match, she sent a clear message that she is still a force to be reckoned with at this event. She dropped two games against her German opponent and looked very much like a favourite again to win this title 6-1 6-1.

Thanks for the warm up gurl!

2010 finalist D’Stove Stosur dispatched of the American Irina Falconi 6-1 6-4 and I have to say that perhaps she might be making a charge for her second major title. The mere idea of this couple of years ago would be laughable. As a matter of fact, to have said this out loud might have resulted in you being asked quietly to stop talking fart as you were polluting the environment. Now come 2012, Sam Stosur is looking for her 2nd major title. Anyway, Falconi was not the only American loser on Day 4: Melanie Oudin was dismissed by Sara Errani 6-2 6-3, Alexa Glatch lost to Penne Pasta Pennetta 3-6 1-6, Sailor Moon Vania King lost to Cibuttkova 0-6 2-6 and Bethanie Mattek-Sands as Americans who lost their 2nd round match. Now, there is another American worth talking about but we are not ready to discuss her issues as yet. Anyway, Mattek-Sands lost to another American, Sloane Stephens 1-6 1-6. Stephens is having a wonderful tournament and made the semi-finals of Strasbourg last week. So she had definitely hit a nice win streak. The Americans ladies, in particular the non Williams Sisters have a made it an excellent tournament for the USA. As per the norm, the men are nowhere to be found. Ten of them moved into the 2nd round but how many of them will survive. As you can see on Day 4 Sloane Stephens is the only one that will move on.

Sailor Moon

Other winners include Svetlana Kuznetsova aka Boynetsova aka Kuzi-Rex. The Russian, 26th seed, is a two time major winner and won this title in 2009. She will join her countrywoman Nadia Fatrova. Now you know I had a lot to say about the Venus Williams match vs Bratzwanska. However, I am just going to stay the facts and not editorialize anything. The Crackhead lost 1-6 3-6! Absolutely zero effort from the American. I swear she is using this disease as an excuse to play poorly. She let down her fanz tremendously especially the young ones. What we are seeing on court is a very lackadaisical attitude and trying to pass off her “illness” as excuse. No Ebony Starr you are up to your old crackish ways. Your 1st serve percentage is disgusting. Bratzwanska was breaking you at will. And what’s worst, when you were down 3-5 15-40 and a chance to be on serve since 0-0, you squandered the two break points.

Thanks for the warm up girl!

This is not the Ebony Starr that I had admire at all. I was appalled by your level of play. I am done. I will congratulate you on your wins but no more unflagging support. I had learnt my lesson ages ago but I felt sympathy for you with your illness and everything. However, you are taking tricks and make it luck. I am not mad because you lose. I am mad because you did not try to win. You let Bratzwanska walk all over you like she is the 7 time major champion. Anyhow, I am done with you. Moving on! By the way, your dress ain’t that cute it looks hand/homemade and the weave is horrible as always. I swear I see Usain Bolt all over them tracks. Yes I am calling you out. You annoy me. Get your shite together before you come hang with me again. You could not even soldier on for the Serenanator! Not feeling you at all.

Just get out of here if you cannot get your act together

To the menz, less upsets there for sure.

American Brian Baker who has been out with injuries for ages now, made a statement that he is back on tour and ready to save American men’s tennis. Well he did not quite succeed but he made a very valiant effort. He took on Gilles “Chicken Legs” Simon of France in the main Philippe Chatrier stadium and climbed out of a 0-2 set deficit and to take the match to a 5th set. However, the 11th seeded Frenchman simply laid down the hammer as he bageled the American. It was a good match and hopefully Baker builds on this. I actually remember seeing him play in 2005 when he took your Gaston Gaudio (2004 French Open winner) in the 1st round of the US Open. I was a lil disappointed because I was going through a major Gaston Gaudio crush. I was so close…oh so close… Don’t judge me but I digress.

Brian Baker looking like Tru Blood on court

D’Joker Harlequeen started off his match pretty well but faltered as things went on. He won in straight sets over Blaz Kavcic who did the world a favour by taking out Hewitt in the 1st round. However, he was no match for the world’s number one losing 0-6 4-6 4-6. Now, as of late, I have noticed that D’Joker is not able to sustain his stamina or his level of play. He is always quick to be ahead and dominate but the in the later stages of the match, he begins to wither. Mind you, his level of withering is far from average as he can still win matches that way. However, consider all his significant wins of later, he has lost more games in the 2nd half of the match if he won the match and when he has lost the match, he won fewer games. This might not be an issue now. However, this middle season is going to be very grueling especially with the Olympics. D’Joker Harlequeen best stop skylarking on court and get his life right because Divadal does not like the bitch seat on your motorcycle ride to tennis greatness. He has played second fiddle to Mr. Federer who is fast encroaching on his space for No 2. Divadal is ready to make a charge and nothing like an easy French Open title to make all feel right in his world.

D’Joker Harlequeen might get a touch of the vapours as the tournament goes on

Anywho speaking of Mr. Federer… this frigging fool… Now I hardly get mad at the Swiss Miss but his level of play through two rounds has been mediocre at best. He is just phoning it in at his point. Very lackadaisical on shots with little insight into what he is supposed to be doing out there. Against some Romanian qualifier who took out Nalbandian, Ungur won the 3rd set after Mr. Federer had 2 or 3 match points. WTF? Who is this doppelgänger on court? Anyway, Mr. Federer came through 6-3 6-2 6-7 6-3. With each successive round I am beginning to fear that he might not even make to the semifinals because if the likes of Ungur can win a set off him, what will happen when he faces a Berychite Lurch or Beast Boy Del Potro.

I wasn’t worried. I have everything under control. What’s that ahead? An iceberg?

And speaking of those two, they moved into the 3rd round quite easily: Lurch took out Llodra aka King Louis of France in 3 sets and Del Potro French wildcard if I am not mistaken, Roger-Vasselin in 4 sets. Meanwhile, Tabasco Verdasco looked a lil no sauce in the 1st set losing 6-7 to Gilles Muller (Who can ever forget Muller when he took away Mr. Brooklyn Decker’s mojo in the 1st round of the 2005 US Open). Stanislav Wawrinka (18) now dubbed Fatanka is also through to the 3rd as are Marin Chin Cilic (21) who took out the 2003 French Open champ JC Ferrero and Kevin Anderson (31) of the South Africa.

HOTTIES

I hunger for Ungar

Call me! Call me…the moment you get there

You coming? Definitely coming for you:-)

Cibulkova aka Cibuttkova

Mathilde Johansson. We can overlook whatever’s going on with the hairline and appreciate your beauty

NOTTIES

She just never look clean to me. Always a hot mess

OH NO! No No No! This is all wrong. Who allowed this to be published?

Accessories made all the world of difference. No headband from ugly pretty

To pretty ugly

I shouldn’t have that other piece of baguette for breakfast….

So I told him look all he wants, I got my treasure chest is tight and airtight sealed

 

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2012 French Open: Day 3

In Andy Murray, Angelique Kerber, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, David Ferrer, Donald Young, Francesca Schiavone, French Open, Janko Tipsarevic, Maria Sharapova, Mikhail Youzhny, Milos Raonic, Nicolas Mahut, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Serena Williams, Tennis, Virginie Razzano on May 30, 2012 at 7:55 am

And the Serenanator’s batteries are draining!

What a day! What a day! O What a day! Who would have thought or even predicted this outcome. The Serenanator was knocked out of the 1st round of a major by the likes of Virginie Razzano? Really? 6-4 6-7 3-6! The Serenanator was 2 points from victory and let it slip away. I knew the demons might resurface despite her coming into the French with excellent preparation. But I did not think they would appear so early. Unfortunately, this frantic-form Serenanator is becoming all too common place in majors. 2012 Australian Open, 2011 US Open, 2011 Wimbledon and 2009 US Open. It is almost like an alien force takes over and the Serenanator is making errors left, right and center. At times, it looks like some cruel puppetmaster took over discombobulating the 13-time major champion.

Like I know what the fcuk went on out there! You saw the match, you tell me? And wouldn’t you know who was there?

Frigging Eva Asderaki. I’m about to get a restraining order because this is getting ridiculous now. Eva: Let’s see who is ugly on the inside now?

This is definitely not the Serenanator that the world has come to respect. Nevertheless, the Serenanator should not feel any shame in this loss. All of the greats have suffered surprising first round defeats (Steffi, Navratilova, Hewitt, Federer, Hingis even her sister Ebony Starr). However, Serenanator, I do offer you this bit of advice, you need to talk to a sports psychologist about this issue. What I am seeing on court is totally a psychological issue and not a physical one. I am not sure if anger is making you lose focus or perhaps you are choking on the big stage (as improbable as that may seem) or your layoff from that injury created bigger self-doubt that we could imagine. Whatever the issue, you are a brilliant tennis player and there are majors left within you. So please, get this bit sorted out quickly. I know how disheartening this is for you because you wanted this so badly. Nothing in life is guaranteed though. Simply play tennis and find the joy for still being in the game.

An ecstatic Virginie Razzano. Congratulations on your win!

Anyway in other results, Francisco Schiabone (14) is back at her favourite tournament, the French Open. The 2010 champ faced off against another “old foot” Kimiko Date-Krumm aka Granny Goodness. In some respects, I was hoping that this match would be interesting but it really was not. The Italian came through 6-3 6-1. Schiabone is coming off a recent tournament win in Strasbourg and is certainly playing herself into form.

Can she make it to her 3rd consecutive French Open final?

Another major winner, reigning Wimbledon champ Kvitova aka GHW (Grand High Witch) looked to have found herself as she dismissed her opponent 6-1 6-2. GHW seemed to have been under a spell as of late, losing inexplicably in tournaments and despite being Number 4 in the world, she has not been in a single final for the year. Also looking impressive was Shriekapova whose odds of winning this thing increased ten folds with the Serenanator gone. She just ripped her opponent 6-0 6-0. Danish Biscuit looked solid as well as she moved through to the 2ndround just dropping a game. Krazilenko (16) won as did Kaia Kanepi aka Telly Monster’s sister, Heather Watson of Great Britain (I really hope she can build her game up to be a contender in the future), the German Julia Goerges (25) and Anastasia Fattychunkova (22) of Russia.

Au revoir Serenanator!

Now while I have a few moments here, I just want to single out a loser here at the French, that being Anna Keothavong of Great Britain. Now, for diehard tennis fanz, the name Keothavong may sound familiar to you because you are thinking of James Keothavong who incidentally is Anna’s big brother. Now Anna has been a regular feature on TV. Mind you, we are spared full coverage of her matches but interestingly enough, she is always mentioned in highlight reels. I think it has more to do with her looks than say her tennis.

Chair Umpire James Keothavong

Anna Keothavong

Anna has played in 20 major main draws and won a total of 6 singles matches. Unfortunately, this was not 6 matches in a row and she has only won two matches in a row ONCE! She gets a wild card into Wimbledon for over a decade if I am mistake and I has won something like 3 matches there. In doubles, she has played 15 doubles tournament at majors and won two matches but I am not even going to judge her on that because she had help being sucky at tennis. The reason why I am talking about Anna is because I want her to stop playing tennis. Really! Rarely do I tell people to give up your passion. I want to make an exception here and beg Ms. Keothavong to consider a career change. See, the thing is that it is not like she does well on the tour and perhaps just choke at majors. Nope! The truth is, she has been most successful at majors because she makes more money there. It is just that Anna Keothavong sucks at tennis. Well actually no, I suck at tennis. Anna Keothavong sucks at professional tennis. Wimbledon some years ago decided that they were not going to give her a wildcard into the tournament. They cited her lack of success at the tournament and felt that they had extended more than enough consideration to Ms. Keothavong in hopes that she can win some matches at the tournament. However, since she was not winning anything, they wanted to give it to someone else. Of course, Ms. Keothavong got mad and I believe in the end, she got it. She lost 1st round if I am not mistaken. If I am wrong though, she did not win more than a match that year. My real point is that Anna Keothavong just need to get her life together and either decide if she is going to be committed to the sport and make a last charge for self-respect, or just get the hell off the tour to allow a new crop of players to come throu. It is just ridiculous. Granny Goodness Krumm is doing a lot better than Ms. Keothavong. And what gets to me the most is that every major after she is just dispatched, she gives this sick puppy smile as if to say, “I tried my best.” NO you did not. You are wasting people’s time here. Maybe you should follow in your brother’s footsteps. Anyway enough about this loser.

Just pack your shite and go! Looking like a bloody canary!

On the men’s side, Divadal came out blazing! The three clay court tournaments he won this season really kicked up his energy level as he is firing on all cylinders in Paris. He took out his Italian opponent 6-2 6-2 6-1 and the truth is that he has looked the most impressive of the top 4! None of them look as in form as the Spaniard and if the finals were to be played today, Divadal will beat the other top players back to back to back.

Divadal is just slaying opponents on court

Anyway, speaking of top players, Lochness Monster took out his opponent quite easily 6-1 7-5 6-0. Other winners include Richard Gasquet (17), Baby Jesus Juan Monaco (13), Sexsarevic (8) aka Janko Tipsaveric, Fiery Ferrer (6) and Mikhail Youzhny (27) who took out James Blake in straight sets (I was not aware that Loser Blake was still playing tennis. I assumed that he had quietly retired from the sport).

I didn’t even know he was still around!

Some interesting results. Grigor Delicious Dimitrov took on Delicio Young. This was a tough one for me to route for as I think they are both delectable. Anyway, Delicious Dimitrov took out Young in straight sets 7-6 6-1 6-1. Young really needs to get his game up to the next level and real fast too. He can be delightful to watch. Anywho BWLLAGWLLAB (16) lost to his countryman Sergiy Stakhovsky in 5 sets. Meanwhile, Ivo Karlovic who statistically has the best serve in the history of tennis, lost to Eduardo Schwank of Argentina. Now it is not the fact that he lost but the fact that there was no tie break her in any of the sets and got bagelled. 4-6 0-6 3-6! Anyway, this concludes Day 3 action. I mean my head is still reeling after the fact that the Serenanator is gone! WTF? This might prove an ominous sign for this French Open for sure.

RTF BIG PICTURE SHOW!

Hotties

Don’t need a translator to say that this is just hotness! Sexsarevic!

Yummy Young!

Delicious Dimitrov

Krazilenko might not be all there but she is krazy hot

Oh Bolelli you have bowled me over

Notties

And someone just unleashed with the ugly stick on this one…Look away look away

It’s a good thing you cannot see her face completely. It is not a sight for sore eyes

What a handsome girl

You think you are hot but you are not. Stop saying what I say. You’re ugly! Stop it! You’re son/boyfriend a douche! Bitch!

Mixed Bag

I am about to beat a itch down out here! (Serenanantor, I don’t want to upset you anymore than you already are but the I’m not feeling the outfit. You look like a Girl’s Scout chocolate mint cookie. Just one of the many things that wasn’t working for you out there.)

You all can just kiss my @$$

Siblings?? Razzano

And Marcos Fatdatis

Get your balls out of my face

Tweety bird!

Skeet! Skeet! I make it rain

All Divadal fans be talking about this ass more so than his tennis leads me to believe that we can conclude that this is indicative of his personality, No?

 

French Open 2012: Le deuxieme jour!

In Agnes Radwanska, Andy Roddick, French Open, Li Na, Marian Bartoli, Nadia Petrova, Novak Djokovic, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Sorana Cirstea, Tomas Berdych, Victoria Azarenka on May 29, 2012 at 5:30 am

Well I will dispense of all pleasantries and get to the heart of the matter. However, I will remind you to tell your friends and family about the blog because I would really like to get this out and about. Remember to like us on Facebook and comment on the blog. RealzTenisFanz!! Anyway we will start with the ladies today.

First full day at the French and the place is packed

And the supreme No 1 Vickie will start us off. However, her French Open campaign almost ended as soon as it begun as she was playing some no named Italian Alberta Brianti who looked more like a Albert Brian (but you did not hear that from me) Vickie found herself down 6-7 1-4. I was like gurl get your life together. You know I was cussing at the tv…wait my computer. I was like who the hell hires Amelie Mauresmo to help them prepare for the French Open. I mean Wimbledon yes but the French?

Amelie, you’re giving advice about success at the French?? Next thing you know, you’ll be giving advice about men. Gurl!!

Anyway, Vickie righted her life and got her shite together winning 11 of the next 13 games. Gurl, I have down for the finals if my sentimental favourite one (Ebony Starr) cannot get the job done. So please don’t be playing around like that. You almost embarrassed me. Can you imagine the chastising I would have got had you lost in the 1st round? Thank you for that win. Vickie through 6-7 6-4 6-2.

You have to win in order to keep that number one ranking so get your shite together on court!

Also through was LiNaLi (7th seed) who shook off that disgusting Roma finals against Shriekapova and showed magnificent form against Sorana Cirstea aka Draculetta 6-2 6-1. Showing similarly impressive form was Bratzwanska (3) who took out Serbian Bjona Jovanovski 6-1 6-0. Now many of you may not know Jovanovski but I really hope this girl finds her way because she is a really good player but apparently is going through that Serbian disease that has so afflicted Fivehead Jungle Witch and Ivanovic the Terrible. And speaking of Fivehead Jungle Witch (19), she won her match in a tight 3rd set. Good for her. The tennis gods were merciful it seems.

Fivehead Jungle Witch. Can’t even see where the hairline begins

Other winners include Fatoli in straight sets as were Jie Zheng of China and Cibuttkova. Today was the day for the American ladies as 6 of them took the court and all 6 of them won if I am not mistaken. Lauren Davis took out Moaning Mona Barthel (30th seed) 6-1 6-1, Bethanie Mattek-Sands took out the 13th seed Sabine Losicki of Germany, Christina McHale, Sailor Moon Vania King, Sloane Stephens took out Makarova (the same one who took the Serenanator out of Aussie Open) 6-4 7-6 and Lepchenko who almost made a shite show out of her match as she was up 6-2 5-2 and just managed to win the match 6-2 6-7 6-4. Good for the American ladies.

Sailor Moon Vania King! Not a cute look sweetie. You’re just a couple shades of makeup off from being in the Nottie section!

Oh I should mention that Nadia Petrova (27) aka Fatrova and Flavia Penne Pasta (18) also won their matches and by way of upsets 32nd seed Monica Niculescu of Romania got sent packing. Vera Zvonareva pulled out after the start of the tournament for injury related reasons. Sesil Karatantcheva who lost in qualifying got the spot and boy did she take full advantage, beating her opponent 6-1 6-0. She most definitely is a lucky loser. For those of you who don’t know Ms. Kartantcheva, she took out Ebony Starr I believe in 2003 or 2004 in the 2nd round and much was predicted for her. Turns out she tested positive for performance enhancing drugs at those same championships if I am not mistaken. She has never been the same since. Anyway enough about the ladies…onto the mens.

Hey…how you doing?

Mr. Federer and D’Joker Harlequeen are on the same half of the draw and they both are hungry for this title. However, if they continue to show the type of form that I saw today, they would not be winning a damn thing and Divadal can write his name in the history book as the 1st 7-time champion of this tournament. Now they both won in straight sets but it was lackluster play throughout. As a matter of fact, Mr. Federer squandered 5 match points before he finally converted. I do not know what he was trying to prove other than give his fanz near heart failure. D’Joker well was all over the place in the beginning but finally honed it in and took firm control of the match. D’Joker: 7-6 6-3 6-1; Mr. Federer 6-2 7-5 6-3. Mr. Federer in particular has his work cut out for him as he has Beast Boy Del Potro and Lurch in his quarter. Mr. Federer better be thanking his lucky stars as David Nalbandian who was set to play him in the 2nd round lost his 1st round match. Nalbandian has given the Swiss a lot of trouble so he’ll be have to thank that lucky star.

D’Joker Harlequeen

D’Joker’s countryman Viktor Troicki (28) looked for a minute like he was going home but he pulled it through defeating resident hottie here at Realz, Thomaz Bellucci. He will join Berdych (7th seed) who knocked out Israeli Dudi Sela, Andrea Seppi (22nd seed), Milos Raonic aka Dennis the Menace, John Isner (10th seed) and another American Brian Baker into the 2nd round. Seppi knocked out Nikolay Davydenko 2-time semifinalist here and Baker took out X-tra X-large Xavier Malisse. Just a matter of interest here, Lytton Hewitt, former number 1 lost today to an Argentine qualifier. Mr. Hewitt should just retire or go manage rude @$$ Tomic (25th seed) who won his match today incidentally. Anyway, that is about it in terms of important matches. Day 3 tomorrow should see the completion of the remaining first round matches.

Hey Hewitt, you shouldn’t be wiping your face with the towel, you should be throwing it in

You’re looking at daddy fat! Whenever men have children, the battle of the bulge begin moving upwards

Yeah, just back your shite up and get out of here

Excuse me m’am are you an athlete?

Alberta Brianti ….I think they made a mistake, Albert Brian. I mean seriously, what’s going on in Italy with the ladies…I mean Schiabone and now Albert Brian.

This is Lurch!

This is Lurch’s girlfriend: Here is a girl who models and doesn’t eat

Not Lurch’s girlfriend: Here is a girl who eats and cannot model at all! WTF are you wearing Bethanie? Did you just mug some homeless person?

Antiperspirant sweetie or change during the change over! Ehhh Moaning Mona Barthel

Hmm I am not cute but I am a very sweet girl!

 

 

French Open 2012: The Miracle First Day

In Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Fernando Verdasco, French Open, Gael Monfils, Irina Falconi, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kim Clijsters, Nicolas Mahut, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Sam Stosur, Tennis, Venus Williams on May 28, 2012 at 4:23 am

It is so hard to get to these updates done. I keep thinking that I have a system down but it seems that I underestimate or should I say overestimate my ability to stay awake and/or focus. I wonder if it is too late for me to get some sort of medication to deal with my attention deficit disorder. It is a wonder I finished school and did fairly well if I do say so myself as I can hardly stick to a task for more than 5 minutes….unless it the task is sticking it….Wait a minute, this is not that kind of establishment. We do not speak of such things here. Order and decorum are highly valued here. I beg your pardon. And here once again that I have already written more than seven sentences and not one of them highlight the subject at hand; tennis. It is a good thing that I am senior editor of this fair publication otherwise I would have been on the unemployment line. No wait a minute…I do this for free but I digress.

I found him while collecting pictures and needless to say I got distracted. Now my life’s goal is to be a pool attendant at wherever pool he is working out in. Stay focus!…yeah we are here for tennis

Well the organizers of the French Open displaying a level of ingenuity unmatched by their counterparts at the other majors decided several years ago (I believe about three years ago) to begin play on a Sunday of the first week instead of the Monday. This has kept them relatively on schedule since, which is very important as matches tend to be prolonged as of late and there is no final set tiebreaker at three of the four majors. This sorta system would be very helpful at the other majors in particular at Wimbledon where it rains nearly every day and the US Open which has become stigmatized as of late with compacted scheduling and the men’s final being played on a 3rd Monday. Very very messy! Anywho, the French starts on a Sunday and sorta bring out the lower ranked players. None of the big names and heavy favourites are made to get up on a Sunday to play God forbid, tennis. Hence why I call it First Miracle Sunday at the French Open: it would be a miracle if any who played today won this title. Not that the French do not know how to put on a show, on the ladies side, there were two former champions and two runner ups. So it was cute affair. So let’s get to the results. Wait, I guess I should mention two noticeable absentees from this year’s Open in the form of Mommie Dearest (2 time finalist) and Beetlejuice.

What?? Play tennis so early in the week? We thinks not! We’ll have a lie in thank you very much. Send out the amateurs.

On the Ladies:
D’ Stove, 2010 Runner-Up easily dispatched Britain’s Elena Baltacha 6-4 6-0. She looked to be in form and interestingly enough, clay is her favoured surface. I guess it gives her time to run around her backhand. Anyway, Baltacha is another British lady who is doing nothing. I mean this is country that produced Virginia Wade and not one of these British gal can even make it to the top 50. Baltacha is ranked 68th in the world. She is lucky that the host country gets wild cards into Olympics events because she would have had to be a ball girl if she wanted to get on Wimbledon court for that event. Anywho, two former champions, Ivanovic the Terrible and Kuzi-Rex came through quite comfortable in particular Ivanovic who just dropped two games. Very impressive form as of late for the Serb but then again, she is the 13th seed and so she got a very low ranked player; not that that had stopped her before in the past from losing those matches. Anyway, she won and the Serbs should be happy.

Look at the way she is about to serve. You can see the double fault coming from a mile away

The other former runner up was Ebony Starr who came out in her match against Paula Ormaechea looking lackluster and plain ole “old” She was down a double break before you even knew what was going on. Ebony Starr managed to get one of the breaks back but Ormaechea was not to be denied the fruits of her efforts and the Argentine took the 1set set 6-4. However, Ebony Starr became a different being for the rest of the match and it was though she got a shot of Red Bull because she was on the ball and all over the court. Ormaechea was missing the shots that she made earlier and the American was rushing towards the net; a very effective strategy considering her reach. Anyway, Ebony took the match 6-7 6-1 6-3 and will ultimately face the 3rd seed in Bratzwanska if the Pole wins her match….(as if that’s not going to happen).

Paula take a massive swing at at Ebony Starr’s balls and fortune was favouring the brave for a while.

Anyway, other winners include Angelique Kerber of Germany aka Carebear, Lucie Safarova aka Lady Gollum aka former girlfriend of Tom “Lurch” Berdych, Shahar Peer of Israel, Sara Errani of Italy who has been playing some relatively good tennis all season long. Three other American ladies will be joining Ebony Starr in the 2nd round: Irina Falconi, Melanie Oudin (finally she won a match at a major having been given a wildcard to get in) and Alexa Glatch a qualifier. Seems as though the Americans are finding form here in Paris and this could make things interesting for the 3rd and 4th Olympic singles spot. And speaking of young, Caroline Garcia, young French girl who in 2011 almost took Shriekapova to task in the 2nd round has yet to find that kind of electricity in her game. She got a wild card into the tournament and bounced out in 3 sets by a German. Poor Caroline, the pressure the French are known to put on their athletes. Hopefully she can find her way back again to being in some sort of contention.

Bring on the menz

On the men’s side, you know none of the top 4 is playing but they did bring out Baby Ali Tsonga, the 5th seed and you know I was saying a silent prayer of thanks. However, Tsonga was playing the devil as he inexplicably lost the 1set set 1-6 to Andrey Kuznetsov. For the year, he has not looked well at all though he is at his career high of 5in the world. Anyway, he turned on the charm and sent this Russian packing in 4 sets. Beast Boy Del Potro (9th seed) was also showing signs of fragility when he just tearing Albert Montanes a new one and then inexplicably dropped the 2nd set. However, he recovered and dropped three more games as he roared into the 2nd round

Ferrero 2003 French Open champion and former Diva Supreme from Spain

Juan Carlos Ferrero, former Spanish Diva before Divadal sashayed (who knew this was a real word) onto the scene, won in three set. He was the last Spanish winner of this title in 2003 before Divadal has put a lock on it. And speaking of Spaniards, Tabasco Verdasco (14th seed) who handed Divadal a loss in Madrid came through to get to the 2nd round. Other notable winners were Marin Cilic (21st seed) of Croatia and Stanislav Fatanka (18th seed) of Swizterland. Notable losses were Jurgen Meltdown (30th seed) lost in 5 sets after being up 2 sets to love. Also Mr. Brooklyn Decker lost in 4 sets to Nicolas Mahut.

No marathon match here against an American…Mahut moves on to the 2nd round on his home turf

I am so sick and tired of seeing these American men showing up in Paris with little to no preparation for the clay. Why even bother? I mean seriously, just being in the main draw is just 5 points. You can do without it. Brooklyn Decker did not play a single real clay court match if I am not mistaken and showed up here expecting to do something. When are the Americans going to take clay court seriously and invest in learning how to play on the stuff. There are just too many clay court tournaments to pretend like they are not worth the effort and the grass season is a mere 4 weeks. Come on USTA now. Stop wasting time trying to do God knows what because really I am not sure what it is that you are doing. Youth tennis in the US sorta sucks. The Williams Sisters who are pushing 30 are the only draw in American tennis right now. What is more interesting is that the USTA would be so happy when they retire. Anyway, I really do not want to be dealing with the recurring issue that I have spoken about on numerous occasions. So on to other matters: THE BIG PICTURE SHOW!

Notties:

Definitely not cute and and YOU know it!

No no no no…definitely not cute… He looks like a gerbil.

Hotties

Ana looking cute as always though her head sorta makes her look like Mr. Planters’ sister…

Heidi El Tabakh from Canada is definitely werqing it!

It’s very clear to see Fognini when he comes on court. HOTNESS

MIX BAG

I’m so happy Uniqlo does not allow D’Joker get all loud with this stupid designs on his clothes. Simple and stately is the way to go

Thank God I don’t have to see this again

Of course the infamous “hidden” dragon!

Or this monstrosity….I just vomited a lil in my mouth

I pray this never ever happens again

Yes 2 thumbs up!!! WAY WAY WAY UP

Meanwhile here is Divadal trying to get in on action where D’Joker Harlequeen left off

And speaking about fashion….there is just something about the French Open that brings out the feminine charms of D’Stove. So girlish in this white and pink. Ahhh

Angelique Carebear Kerber

Carebear countdown 5 4 3 2 1. I’m the kind and cuddly one. The one above, she’ll rip you apart

Get away mofo! Stop being a dick. She’s not my wife and I am suppose to be at the office!!!

Well Enjoy. Don’t forget to comment. give suggestions or just general opinions about how to improve etc etc. If there be any errors I do apologize. Email rtfanznewzletter@gmail.com and they would be changed as soon as possible.

Le French Open 2012: Le Preview

In Agnes Radwanska, Andy Murray, Francesca Schiavone, French Open, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Robin Soderling, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Tennis, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on May 27, 2012 at 3:57 pm

This year’s official poster looks like a mess

2012 French Open is upon us and as much as there will be a lot of fanfare about the 2nd major of the year, there really is not much to say. The favourites are clearly the favourites. There is really no need for discussion about the matter. What is one going to say? Fiery Ferrer has a chance to win the French Open with the likes of Divadal, D’Joker Harlequeen, Mr. Federer and Lochness Monster lurking around in the draw? Simply idle and reckless talk! The top 4 aka the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse are just really that good. Consider, that the last time none of them have made it to a major final was in 2004 when Gaston Gaudio defeated Guillermo Coria in the 2004 French Open finals. Since then, they have won all the majors with the exception of the 2009 US Open when Mr. Federer lost to Del Potro aka Beast Boy. Interestingly enough, Beast Boy has yet to find this type of form again. His career almost came to an end in 2010 as he had a very serious wrist injury to contend with. He beat Divadal and Mr. Federer back to back in a major and won the title. Now that is almost like climbing Mount Everest and doing it again. Simply near impossible to repeat. Anyway, the real matter is which of the top 4 will win the title. Actually, scratch that, which of the top 3 will win the title, is the real question.

D’Joker Harlequeen will be channeling his inner D’Juggernaut!

D’Joker Harlequeen: He’s a favourite here though not the overwhelming favourite. There’s no question that he wants to win this title and he wants to win it badly. To win here will mean that he has a career slam AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, he is half way to completing a grand slam and possibly a golden slam as this is an Olympic year. He would also be holding all 4 major titles at the same time. He had a very legitimate chance to take it last year but failed to get past Mr. Federer after looking near invincible for the 1st half of the year. He had beaten Divadal in 4 consecutive finals including two on clay. Divadal was afraid and certainly did not have any answers for the onslaught that D’Juggernaut was bringing. This year, however, Harlequeen is not looking so hot. He is often sluggish in matches and usually where he is dominating in the first sets, he is wavering in the second and third sets. He is winning but his victories are not that spectacular and empathic as they were last year. He also has failed to win a set against Divadal in the two clay court tournaments they have played and this seemingly has made him less of a favourite for the title.

Nobody…I say nobody is going to rain on my parade!

I, on the other hand really think that Harlequeen is playing at a lower level so as to save his strengths for the majors. Last year he peaked too early and he definitely is not going to make the same mistake twice. Mr. Federer is in his half of the draw and he knows that nothing but one’s absolute best will take Mr. Federer out of a major tournament and defeat Divadal at the French. I am actually giving the credit and think he can possibly pull it off. He has taken the pressure off himself to win the title and put the pressure squarely on Divadal’s shoulders. He can relax and allow his game to shine through. Watch out for the D’Juggernaut. He could be unstoppable.

I’m so good that I am being immortalized in wax!

Divadal: I mean what can one really say about the Spanish Diva when it comes to clay? His game is just tailor-made for the surface especially if it is red because home gurl is definitely not feeling the blue (Madrid) and/or pinkish (Hamburg) courts. He is the greatest ever on the surface. He has played 7 French Opens and won 6 of them. None of his rivals has come close to beating him ever on this surface. It was an anomaly that he lost in 2009 to Robin Hood Soderling and he put that Swede to rest in the 2010 final when he avenged that lost. Never has a Spaniard been so favoured in French courts. I would be a fool to say that he will not win this title again. He has Lochness Monster in his half and to be honest, we might as well we should just pencil him into the final and have everyone else duke it out to face his destruction. However, there has to be a breaking point; a point where players just cannot continue to dominate their favoured terrain anymore. Perhaps this might be the year but it sure does not look like it at all. On all real clay court surfaces, he has looked spectacular especially in Monte Carlo final when he beat D’Joker for the first time in over a year. Nonetheless, just to be the devil’s advocate, I will say that Divadal will not win this year’s title. I know this is far from impossible but I mean it is okay to hope that there will be a changing of the guard. Right?

I’m so good even my waxwork can take all of you on at once! Bring on the balls

Mr. Federer: Wouldn’t he love to win this title and defeat Divadal in the process! This is on his wish list perhaps on the same line as winning Olympic singles gold. Mr. Federer wants another French Open title badly. He makes no bones about how special the 2009 title means to him but if he is to silence the critics and reclaim some of this aura back, he needs to win another French Open title. Mr. Federer is no longer a shoe-in for the finals of majors nor is he collecting major titles like there is a bargain basement sale. He is definitely not favoured to win this thing at all. In fact, Mr. Federer has his work cut out for him.

Gurl you gotta work!

He has not beaten Divadal on clay since 2009 Hamburg finals and what is even more infuriating is that he never employs the winning strategies against him to keep himself in contention. Mr. Federer plays into the hand of Divadal on clay by sticking behind the baseline and trying to rally with the Spaniard instead of coming forward. Nonetheless, to even get to Divadal in the finals, Mr. Federer has to beat D’Joker again in the semis, which after looking at the recent Rome’s semifinals, might be harder than we originally thought. It does not help that Mr. Federer is the “weakest” of the top 4 and when he losing matches, he is being out hit by stronger, bigger opponents. (Gurl you need to get your @$$ in the gym and start drinking some protein shakes because your guns are looking more like sticks and ain’t no one be bringing sticks to a gun fights.)

This is where your behind needs to be against Divadal and D’Joker!!

Mr. Federer is stubborn and very much an egomaniac as so often are the gifted. However, if he wants to win this title, beyond hoping for miracles, he has to play the strategies to win and not get caught up in beating the other players at their own game. In essence, I think Mr. Federer has to humble himself on court and play to win. Divadal and D’Joker are not concerned about “pure tennis strokes;” they are much more interested in winning points, games, sets and matches and rightly so. Mr. Federer is my dark horse pick.

Lochness Monster lurking in the dark

Lochness Monster: I mean seriously, I do not know what the fcuk is going on in this Scotsman’s life these days. He, of the top 4, is the most vulnerable to upsets. His game is definitely regressing. There is no fire, no passion just a lot of tension. Every year he is employing different coaches or some new gimmick (He even tried the gluten-free diet at one point. I bet you that wanker was back to bread before the yeast rose.) However, none of it is working. He just does not have his head in the game. He has made it to three major finals and failed to win a set in any. He looked poise to taking out D’Joker in Australia this year but in the end could not convert when it counted. He hired Ivan Lendl to help deal with the pressure but I do not think this partnership is not working for him. I did not know that Lendl acquired a PhD in Psychology or Psychotherapy since his retirement from the sport because that is what Andy needs. But alas it is not my place to speak of these issues which rise far above my pay grade though I think the issue is the player himself and not the coach. Anyway, as he struggles to find himself out there, the top 3 are content to play for the big prizes. Either way, despite Nessie being a very competent clay court player, he does not stand a chance to win this title. Anyhow he comes up against any of the other three, he is losing because they are all so much better than he is and also they DISPLAY a more mature attitude on court. I know. Who can be less mature on court than D’Joker Harlequeen right? Well, Lochness Monster is. This one acts like a lil prissy itch half the time on court, spluttering and cursing up a storm. He really needs to get his shite together and start showing some real potential out there. Otherwise he will be just wannabe and never the real deal.

These guns be showing blanks at the majors

A very interesting tidbit about this tournament if any of the top 4 wins for if they do, it will be a very historic event.

Incidentally this is how tennis looked when the last British male won a major.

D’Joker Harlequeen wins: He has all 4 majors, a career slam and half way or 2/5 to achieving the true slam or golden slam.

Divadal wins: 7th French Open title, all time record and further etching his name in the Hall of Fame.

Mr. Federer wins: His 17th major title and further distancing himself from others.

Lochness Monster: First Brit man to win a major in God knows how long….say 1935 and let’s face it, he wins a major that would totally be a major personal achievement for him and could further change the complexion of the game.

And if someone outside of the top 4 wins, well definitely call Guinness World Record… wait..No. Look to the skies because miracles can come through.

These are the odds on favourites according to one betting site

On the ladies side, it is really a 2-3 women race: Vickie, Shriekapova and the Serenanator. I know it is hard to believe that Shriekapova and the Serenanator are heavy favourites for a major clay court tournament but alas that is the state that the WTA is in. This is no slight of these two ladies but really and truly, their strengths do not necessarily translate well to the clay. Nonetheless, make no mistake, no surprise old gal is coming out of near retirement to rejuvenate their career and win this title this year a la Schiabone (2010 champ) or reigning champ LiNaLi did. I am not going to waste your time talking about how Danish Biscuit (Wozniacki) has not won a major yet, how Ivanovic the Terrible might find herself here and regain former glory or even that Sam D’Stove Stosur has a chance of getting back to the final along with Schiabone or that LiNaLi will repeat as champion or that Carebear Angelique Kerber from Germany look ripe for a major win. That type of shite show is over. The top contenders are ready to assume control of the game.

Why is she giving me Melissa Gilbert from Little House on the Prairies? I am the baddest chick out here y’all!

Vickie: There is no doubt that I love me some Vickie (I like calling her Vickie. I am not feeling the whole Vika bit.) I think she might be the real deal and definitely a young gun that is showing true potential and actually fulfilling those promises of high quality tennis and consistency to match. Yet she is getting more flack that say Danish Biscuit who has yet to win a major or GHW (Grand High Witch) Kvitova who herself a major winner yet has failed to show much promise since then, tanking out of tournaments as if that were her goal. Anyway, Vickie definitely has the game to win this tournament but standing in her way are two players who can definitely beat her. Vickie, after seeming to be unstoppable the first 3 months of the year, showed herself to be vulnerable with a weak service game that is very attackable. Yes, her groundstrokes are solid and she definitely is fitter than years past and good and dealing with pace of stronger players.

Vickie working out with Amelie Mauresmo

However, if she is not able to win cheap points on her serve, she is allowing players a decent look at an upset. Also, playing on clay allows players more time to get at her shots especially as she cannot blow them off the court. She has not won a clay court tournament this year losing in the finals of Stuttgart and Madrid to Shriekapova and the Serenanator. Thankfully, they are on the other half of the draw and she has to contend with her pigeon Bratzwanska and Fatoli (who took her out of Miami, the Belarusian’s first defeat of the year) Nonetheless, she should make it to the finals. Interestingly enough, Ebony Starr is in this side of the draw and if Ebony Starr can find her first serve and keep it going, there will be trouble in that half of the draw. Ebony Starr is set to face Bratzwanska in the 2nd round and I honestly think the American can take the Pole and avenge her Miami loss. Anyway, barring any real upsets, Vickie should make it to the finals.

Out working hard for her money!!

Shriekapova: She is the No 2 in the world and to be honest, she is definitely playing very well. It is no secret that I am not a fan of her playing style but one has to give credit where credit is due. The French Open is the only major she has yet to win and since the last time she has won a major was 2008 Australian Open title, she will love nothing more than to reach career slam and gain this French title. She made it to the semifinals last year only to lose to LiNaLi. In 2012, she has made it to the finals of nearly all of the tournaments she has entered and won two titles. Yes, she was made to look like a spectator who stumbled onto the court in the Australian Open final when she was just handed a 2-6 0-6 loss by Vickie.  However, she has rebounded and played very well throughout the year. She lost only to players who play a better brand of tennis than she does. She is aggressive and tenacious. She does not allow the scoreboard to affect. She was on the brink of another bagel set by LiNaLi last Sunday and still won the match. She is a very very tough competitor and all credit goes to her for that. Nonetheless, it would be criminal to not point out that Shriekapova on court only has one game plan: to hit hard and scream behind of it. Her game may look big but it is really paltry. She is a poor mover (though clay allows her more time to get to the shots), her serve breaks down tremendously in big matches, she is HORRIBLE up at the net and there is no dimension to her game; no ability to change things up when Plan A is not working and no real sense of point construction. However, winning this tournament means career slam and a return to the number one ranking and she is not going to let an opportunity like this go idly by. However, she got real problems…well just one: the Serenanator is in her quarters.

Shriekapova: Spray on pest and she would be out of your way!
Serenanator: Jehovah please tell this itch to back up because me and my home gurl here about to beat a itch down Compton style in Paris

The Russian has only beaten the American twice in their career head to head (the infamous 2004 Wimbledon final and later that year at the WTA Year-Ending Championships) She failed to convert two match points in the 2005 Aussie Open semifinals. Since then, it has been all the Serenanator. Shriekapova has hardly won a set against the American. Let us not be mistaken or confused about the matter, there is no rivalry between the Serenanator and Shriekapova despite what people may say. The Serenanator dominates their head to head and has in essence made Shriekapova her pigeon. Shriekapova does not know what to do on court other than try to win a couple of games here and there to prevent an embarrassment on court. The Serenanator makes her look amateur. Anyway, provided that the Serenanator is out of her way, she can actually win the entire thing. Kvitova aka GHW is in Shriekapova’s half of the draw but that will certainly not stop the Russian. GHW pales in comparison to her former self. She is missing something as of late and seems unable to get it back. I really hope she gets it together because it really is a crying shame that these young guns are out shooting blanks.

This ain’t no coward’s yellow! I’m a highlighter so all you rest itches can see me coming!

The Serenanator: The Serenanator wants a 2nd French Open title to add to her collection of 13 majors. She last won this title in 2002 a mere ten years ago and she looks just as good as she did then. She has shown herself to be in shape and patient to handle the challenges of the clay. Her serve is a force to be reckoned with and without a doubt, she sees herself holding this title come next after next Saturday. She has had excellent preparation on the surface having not tasted defeat all season long on clay. She has beaten the top ranked players and the lower ranked ones. However, there is a looming fear that I have for the American. Her preparation for this major looks erringly similar to her preparation for US Open last year. She won two warm up tournaments and pulled out of the third. Yet, she did not win the US Open. In her most recent outings at majors, she has seen inexplicable exits from the tournament. She lost to Makarova, Stosur and Bartoli all in relatively easy fashion. It was as though some doppelganger showed up on the court and just completely did not know how to play tennis. She did not even win a set or come close to winning the set. The players were all shocked to see Serenanantor Lite on court and they sure were swinging away and collected the win. Nonetheless, the Serenanator is a very formidable opponent and she is working really hard for this title. In real truth, she is the heavy favourite and she has definitely put in the hard work despite many saying that it was impossible for her to reclaim another French title.

Yeah I know…my game cannot be all over the place like my weave if I want to win this title!

Despite all of this, we all know that nothing is a foregone conclusion in sports. At Realz, we say, the game is won and lost on the field and not on paper. Allez le French Open!!!!

For one of the realzest fanz out there from your BFG, Love ya Tiann!!

Don’t forget to comment and rate this entry. We really need your support!

None of them here really stand a chance of winning this title!

Gurl you heard what he said? He’s the top in the relationship!! Kimmie gurl I’m choking. Divadal I think I just peed myself a little.