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French Open 2013: Jour 5

In Uncategorized on May 31, 2013 at 8:13 am
Rain has been a constant feature at this major as of late

Rain has been a constant feature at this major as of late

Well on Day 5 of the French Open, the rains were back wreaking havoc once again on the schedule once. Since I have re-started this blog this year, I feel like I have ranted and raved about anything in particular as is my usual style. I do have some juicy tidbits to share and also comment on some recent events including Sloane Stephens’s big ole haterification of the Serenanator. However, I feel like I do not have the time to really do justice to these news Realz style. I will make a concerted effort to do so soon enough.

Certainly earning their wages this major

Certainly earning their wages this major

Anyway to the results:

Don't get it twisted folks, I am here to win this title!

Don’t get it twisted folks, I am here to win this title!

There is not much men’s action to report for rain held up most of the matches to the point where Divadal did not get to start his match. Anyway, Djoker came out on fire against his Argentine opponent beating him 6-2 6-0 6-2. He was sending a message just in case people thought he was a bit rusty coming into this tournament or nagged with injuries or simply cannot blitz players well beneath his ranking. He moves on to the 3rd round where he will face Mr. Shriekapova himself Grigor Dimitrov (26) who knocked out a French wildcard also in straight sets 6-1 7-6 6-1. Interestingly enough, the last time Djoker and Delicious Dimitrov met in Madrid, Dimitrov won the match. I am sure it was in Madrid they met last.

Definitely where I am washing my clothes next time around!!!

Definitely where I am washing my clothes next time around!!!

Yeah you can definitely come and laundered me anytime you like

Yeah you can definitely come and laundered me anytime you like

Anyway speaking of French, hotness Benoit Paire (24) won his match in straight sets, giving the home town crowd loads to cheer about. 13th seed Kei Nishikori won his match in 4 sets as did Fabio Fognini, 27th seed. Now Fognini’s win over Lukas Rosol put an end to a possible matchup between Rosol and Divadal again. That is kinda disappointed because you know haters like me would have loved to see Divadal being all flustered on court.

Hotness!!

Hotness!!

Philip Kohlschreiber (16) is into the 3rd round without swinging his racquet as his opponent pulled out. Victor Hanescu of Romania also moved on due to retirement. However, his was a rather strange affair. Playing Dmitry Tursunov, Hanescu was also a set up and now in the 2nd set tiebreaker when the rains came but when play was about to resume, Tursunov pulled out. I do not know why and quite frankly I am not really checking for one. It is not like the going-ons of the likes of Hanescu or Tursunov matter to the overall scheme of things. I am not being rude here but just keeping it realz.

Gurl you know you're in a bad place when I am beating you solidly on court. Get it together

Gurl you know you’re in a bad place when I am beating you solidly on court. Get it together

On the ladies’ side, a lot more matches took place and there some upsets. 6th seed LiNaLi lost in 3 sets to American Bethanie Mattek-Sands. In realz term, this is not even an upset but more of an ulcer. I think Li is losing her mind because she was all over the place in this match. She started off strong in the 1st set and then quickly evaporated. I mean it was all she could do to win that set. The rains came but did that not help her to get back to her previous form. She went out in 3 sets rather meekly 7-5 3-6 2-6. To be honest, I did not think that Mattek-Sands would get this done but low and behold, she kept it together and knocked out the 2011 French Open champ.

Cibulkova went bye bye

Cibulkova went bye bye

She was not the only seeded player to be bounced. Dominika Cibulkova who I am certain got really far in the draw last year, lost to Marina Erakovic of New Zealand 2-6 6-2 4-6. Another upset was Paula Ormaechea of Columbia I think, taking out Shvedova, the 27th seed 6-4 7-6. Ormaechea is a qualifier so you know she has already played like 5 matches in a row just to get to the 3rd round.
Vickie, the 3rd seed, almost lost her mind on court being up 5-0 and almost losing 5 straight games but then righted her ship to take the match 6-4 6-3. Kvitova got herself together to knock out her opponent in straight sets as did Fivehead Jankovic who seems to be finding her grove again. France’s Alize Cornet has won two matches in a row at a major and I cannot be more surprised than this. I did not even think she would get out of the 1st round despite being the 31st seed. You do not know how much of a basket case the French ladies are but I am really glad to see that she is kinda living up to her potential.

Cornet winning matches and being positive on court are rare sights indeed

And people say Frenchwomen don’t shave!!! #dontbuyintothestereotype

Bethanie Mattek-Sands will have some American company in the 3rd round as Jaime Hampton and Sloane Stephens won their matches in straight sets. Stephens beat fellow American Vania King. Other winners include dangerous floater Jie Zheng and Sam Stosur. The Aussie is looking very nice and clean on clay. She got to the semis last year before inexplicably going down to Errani if I am not mistaken. So it would be interesting to see how far she gets this year. It seems like she plays very well on the clay courts of Roland Garros.

Shriekapova has to continues her match tomorrow and hopefully she discontinues this outfit. It's disgusting!!

Shriekapova has to continues her match tomorrow and hopefully she discontinues this outfit. It’s disgusting!!

Well Day 6 should be action packed as so many matches to be completed and much of the 3rd round action scheduled to begin including Mr. Federer vs Benneteau. There is no rain scheduled to appear so it should be a nice day of tennis.

Amelie is in the HOUSE!!!

Amelie is in the HOUSE!!!

Mrs. Djokovic aren't you suppose to be married to the Serbian by now? Why the very long engagement

Mrs. Djokovic aren’t you suppose to be married to the Serbian by now? Why the very long engagement

Ormaechea...oh my your eyebrows. Gurl you need to trim those caterpillars

Ormaechea…oh my your eyebrows. Gurl you need to trim those caterpillars

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You’ve never touched a coloured person before right?? Don’t worry, you won’t caught it

Sam isn't being insensitive, she is simply dreaming about more than kissing with this blond

Sam isn’t being insensitive, she is simply fantasizing about more than kissing with this blond

She's a big big gurl!!

She’s a big big gurl!!

Like you, I am not sure

Like you, I am not sure

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Realz is talking shit about me again right??

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French Open 2013: Le jour 4

In Agnes Radwanska, Ana Ivanovic, Andreas Seppi, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, French Open, Gael Monfils, Gilles Simon, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, John Isner, Marcos Baghdatis, Nicolas Almagro, Petra Kvitova, Roger Federer, Serena Williams on May 30, 2013 at 5:38 am

Day 4 was an action packed day and I am happy to report that the French Open is back on schedule. There were a lot of matches on court and they all were completed without the advent of any rain delays. I know that this entry is going to come late (but I really had to sleep). Sometimes I forget how intensive all this blogging is and when one does not have a lot of time, it is even more difficult as life happens.

The Serenanator is all fired up for this championships.

The Serenanator is all fired up for this championships.

On the ladies draw: Both Vickie and the Serenanator looked impressive in their matches. Vickie was playing her 1st round match and will play her 2nd round tomorrow. The Serenanator had a 3 day layoff and now that she has withdrawn from the doubles, she has more time on her hand. I have to say that their asking for a wildcard and then withdrawing is not so cool to me. I know that Venus has back issues but their acceptance of the card and subsequent withdrawal, barred another team for getting the spot and consequently prize money. Many have felt that the Serenanator should not have attempted to play doubles because of how precarious her play can be at the French Open. Nonetheless, this is what happened. I only hope that she stays the course for her 2nd French Open title.

GHW Kvitova. I don't think Czech girls have eyebrows

GHW Kvitova. I don’t think Czech girls have eyebrows

Other winners include much of the usual suspects: Petra Kvitova who seemed her usual inconsistent self against Rezai; Petra won in 3 sets. However, her serve was all over the place, giving away vital points with double faults. It was almost guaranteed that she would double fault in every service game. Ivanovic the Terrible also won but it was a very comfortable match in straight sets. I do not even think she got broken, which is impressive by her usual batty standard. Bratzwanska won in straight sets as did Errani who is looking really serious about defending her points from last year. She has buzzed through the draw thus far. Carebear Kerber won as did Roberta Vinci, Maria Krazilenko (12), Sabine Losicki (32), Kuzi-Rex, Carlo Suarez-Navarro (20), Soriana Cirstea (26) and Virginie Razzano (Happy to see her get to the 3rd round of a major). Americans Varvara Lepchenko and Jamie Hampton are also through to the 3rd round with Hampton causing an upset over the 25th seed Lucie Safarova (former Ms. Berdych). Hampton won 9-7 in the 3rd.

See Safarova, also from Czech Republic not sporting any eyebrows

See Safarova, also from Czech Republic not sporting any eyebrows

Martina Hingis’ new charge Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (19) lost her match to Petra Cetkovska, which really should not come as a surprise as she has been struggling through this tournament. Truth be told, she started the year well getting to the final of Sydney I think (My stat fanz Chong just informed me that it was the final of Brisbane. Thanks!) losing to the Serenanator but since then, she has faded significantly and has yet to find herself again. The 23rd seed, Klara Zakopalova lost to Kaia Kanepi. If I am not mistaken, Kanepi made it through to the Round of 16 or quarters in last year French finals. So she has a lot of points to defend. Good of her to repeat her success.

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I am dejected!!! This cookie is crumbling

And while we are on the subject of upsets, one cannot forget to mention that the 10th seed, Danish Biscuit got crumbled by Bojana Jovanovski of Serbia in straight sets 6-7 3-6. This has not been a good clay court season for the Dane; as a matter of fact, it has not been a good season at all. She is struggling to win matches and as a result, most tennis viewers are raining hateration on her. I for one am not a fan of Caroline but I am not a hater either. I know she does not possess a multi-dimensional/highly effective game. However, one has to respect what did several years ago, rising to Number one in the world. You have to give her credit for that. I know a lot of people decry the ranking system as Wozniacki finished the two consecutive years as Number 1 without winning a major. However, it is not her fault that the others could not find their game or themselves or be injury free in order to bolster their claim at the top. Wozniacki got to the top rank through hard work and winning matches. Anyway, I am glad Bojana got a quality win because I really think that she has massive potential. She is kinda Batty but in her 2nd round match, she was on it. Hopefully she keeps up this level of play.

Bojana Jovanovski

Bojana Jovanovski

Gilles Simon.. in Swan Clay... showing off his flexibility in this nice arabesque position

Gilles Simon.. in Swan Clay… showing off his flexibility in this nice arabesque position

On the men’s side of the draw, the Frenchmen continue to made good of the home court advantage as Baby Ali Tsonga (6), Beetlejuice Monfils (wild card), Beautiful Benoit Paire (24), Benneteau (30), Gilles Simon (15) et Jeremy Chardy (25) all advanced and for the most part, quite comfortable too. Mr. Federer had little resistance in his match as he dished out a two-piece and 2 breadsticks to his opponent 6-2 6-1 6-1. Fiery Ferrer looked at ease in his match as he took out his opponent in straight sets. His journeyman of a countryman Tommy Robredo (32) is really trying to get his tennis life back together. Seeming down for the count, Robredo overcame a 0-2 sets deficit to win his match in 5. Both he and Ferrer will join FeFe Lopez and 11th seed Almagro in the next round.

No need for caption!

No need for caption!

20th seed Andreas Seppi of Italy won his match in 5 sets and will be in the next round with his 5 set victory. Seppi is looking to recapture some of the good form he had last year. American Sam Querry aka The Grinch, the 18th seed, is in the 2nd round. Marin Chin Cilic moved on as did Victor Troicki and 23rd seed Kevin Anderson of South Africa.

Hopefully this good weather keeps up and play does not get back up at the French.

 REALZ PICTURE SHOW

Almagro. Not outstandingly beautiful but he just sorta grows on you

Almagro. Not outstandingly beautiful but he just sorta grows on you

Ernest Gulbis, a tall Latvian drink of water

Ernest Gulbis, a tall Latvian drink of water

Yes, it Ivanovic The Terrible. She is an attractive girl nonetheless

Yes, it Ivanovic The Terrible. She is an attractive girl nonetheless

Andreas Seppi of Italy. Oh how I would love to be sipping on this all day

Andreas Seppi of Italy. Oh how I would love to be sipping on this all day

I mean he is a little heavyhanded on the spray tan but that can wash off. Nonetheless, he is all hotness

I mean he is a little heavyhanded on the spray tan but that can wash off. Nonetheless, he is all hotness

Chin Cilic. We gotta work on the eyebrows but he's HOT

Chin Cilic. We gotta work on the eyebrows but he’s HOT

My Baby Ali surely knows how to use his tongue

My Baby Ali surely knows how to use his tongue

Fiery Ferrer is definitely on that list of who can get it!!

Fiery Ferrer is definitely on that list of who can get it!!

Crucify me how I am beautiful!!!

Crucify me how I am beautiful!!!

Wickmayer gurl, I don't even know where to begin between the dress and your stance, you most definitely a nottie

Wickmayer gurl, I don’t even know where to begin between the dress and your stance, you most definitely a nottie

I mean seriously, this is well past ugly! This is bugly!!

I mean seriously, this is well past ugly! This is bugly!!

So I am wondering how Bratzwanska made this dumb move to be blond before she actually became a blond?? #dontbelieveinstereotypes

So I am wondering how Bratzwanska made this dumb move to be blond before she actually became a blond?? #dontbelieveinstereotypes

I'm telling you, French kissing is only real if it is done by a Frenchman. Works the same way like champagne!!!

I’m telling you, French kissing is only real if it is done by a Frenchman. Works the same way like champagne!!!

You are so beautiful to me....Can't you see??

You are so beautiful to me….Can’t you see??

French Open 2013: Jour 3

In Alexander Dolgopolov, Bernard Tomic, Daniel Brands, David Goffin, Dominika Cibulkova, Fernando Verdasco, French Open, Grigor Dimitrov, Jelena Jankovic, Mikhail Youzhny, Novak Djokovic, Sam Stosur, Tennis, Yaroslava Shevedova on May 28, 2013 at 6:55 pm
The rains were most definitely not in Spain today!

The rains were most definitely not in Spain today!

Day 3 of the 2013 French Open was seriously hampered by the rains. The heavens poured out its tears and delayed the start of play by nearly 3 hours and then later lead to another suspension of play for a time being. This led to a serious hampering of play for the day. Of the 40 slated singles matches, only 26 were completed. Three additional matches were suspended after poor lighting. Officials out right cancelled several matches so that players avoid hanging around the courts in vain. Maria Krazilenko asked via Twitter, whether she was Wimbledon after her match was cancelled. See it definitely makes sense to play on the 1st Sunday. Nonetheless, it means that on Day 4, there will 42 singles matches to be played of which 14 will be 1st round encounters to be completed plus doubles actions. Hopefully most of these are all completed by the end of the day.

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It’s like at every major, there is a contest to see who can be the most ridiculous at drying the courts!

Of the matches that were completed, there were dramatics that could only be produced at majors.

On the ladies’ side

Marion Bartoli (13) found herself up against Belarussian (I think) Olga Govortsova and for much of the match, Bartoli’s play was being outmatched by her opponent. In fact, in all three sets that were played, Olga served for each set. However, experience at this level at the sport counts for much. Thus Bartoli came through in the end 7-6 4-6 7-5. Bartoli as always did not look pretty doing it and at the end, she was up against the rope to close out the match but she held strong to give her country yet another dramatic match to cheer about. I have to say though that there was more choking in this match than some bad snuff porn film. It was as though neither player wanted to win and serving for a true advantage led to the server forgetting how to play.

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Look at this, and black is suppose to be slimming

While we are on the subject of Bartoli aka Fatoli aka La petite grosse, I am going to say it, she looks fat ie fatter than usual or perhaps whatever weight she had lost recently, she gained back with a vengeance. There was a rumour that she is not working with her father anymore but I am sure he is still the master of this design. A fanz recently posted a video of Bartoli training at the US Open last year. Words fail to accurately describe what is going on in the video. It is like you are watching some spoof for training only that you know it is real….it is very real. I do not understand what the game plan is for Dr. Bartoli and Marion but I am going to say that it is not working. There is a reason why Marion has not really made it big on tour and fails to be consistent and that is her physical fitness.

I do not know whether her status as the top French woman is due to her “talent” or the lack of true talent amongst the other French ladies. Do not mistake me, Marion can play tennis and from her results, she can play at the top level. However, I have said this before, looking at Marion play tennis, is like watching Bizarro in action against Superman. Added to that, there always seem to be some crazy internal struggle going on in her head and not just the normal tennis demons. Marion never looks comfortable on court. As a matter of fact, she just never looks comfortable at all in any arena I have seen her. Truth be told she reminds me so much of Tina Belcher of Bob’s Burger; that awkward adolescent girl still trying to come to terms with her body, mind and the world. Anyway, I have spent too much time on this subject. However, I welcome feedback on the intriguing subject that is Marion Bartoli.

Tina Belcher aka Marion Bartoli

Tina Belcher aka Marion Bartoli

D'Stove is going hard today! Look at those biceps!!

D’Stove is going hard today! Look at those biceps!!

Speaking of French ladies, Alize Cornet (31) won a match and did so convincingly too at that; 7-5 6-2. I very much expected her to fold like a cheap tent but she held strong. Congrats Alize! Sam D’Stove Stosur came out strong and hard against Granny Goodness Date-Krumm, beating her 6-0 6-2. It almost looked at one point that the Aussie was going to knock her Japanese opponent out of the tournament love and love but Granny had to pee and returned to court light enough to win those two games. Good of her to save face like that. There is much to admire about Krumm out here on tour doing it at 40+, which makes it impossible for me to understand, what hell is going on with many of these younger players who are just struggling for dear life.

Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic

Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic

The Fivehead Jungle Witch match up against Daniela Hantuchova was pitiful. I wish I knew what was going on in Daniela’s life because she can be constant source of disappointment. She dropped the 1st set 4-6 but homegurl was up 5-0 in the 2nd and then blew that lead like a $5 hooker at the point. It was ridiculous. I mean granted that Fivehead is no slouch but I mean seriously, Daniela gurl WTF? You served for it like twice and got broken and in the tiebreaker, you failed to understand the urgency of the matter. It would have been so much better if you lost the match in 3 sets and do not dare blame the rain for your suckiness. You really need to get your life together. Fivehead JW 6-4 7-6

Such a pretty face but at times I wonder if it is not just space in all your grace

Such a pretty face but at times I wonder if it is not just space in all your grace

16th seed Dominika Cibuttkova won her match quite comfortably 6-1 6-4 but the two Americans ladies who got to play, Coco Vendeweghe and Laura/Lauren Davis both lost respectively to Yaroslava Shvedova and Kristina Mladenovic of France.

Jelena watching her man play.

Jelena watching her man play.

On the men’s side: Djoker Harlequeen (1) had a not so easy time against David Goffin of Belgium 7-6 6-4 7-5. Djoker seem to be in conserving energy kinda more. He is the type of player who extends only the amount of energy necessary to get the job done. He does not have to blitz a guy to prove a point and his apparent weakness or aliment is usually not a true indicator of how well he can play at that moment. I mean after all, he comes from the Serbian School of On Court Trickery and HighJinx. (No disrespect to Serbia/Serbians but you all know that your players can fake an injury in 2 seconds flat. I am sure Serbian players hold the record for calling trainers on court.) Anyway, he is through as is 12th seed Tommy Haas who ended Guillaume Rufin’s hopes of some magical run at home. It is Haas who is actually having a magical run this year. The German is 34/35 and still very competitive on tour. 9th seed Stan Wawrinka is also through to the 2nd round as are Nikolay Davydenko, Tabasco Verdasco, 26th seed Mr. Shriekapova Dimitrov (26), 29th seed Mikhail Youhzny, 16th seed Philip Kohlschreiber and Jack Sock (the lone American to win today).

You're not going to have me out here wasting my time like you did Mr. Federer last year. Ain't nobody got time for that!

You’re not going to have me out here wasting my time like you did Mr. Federer last year. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

By way of upset, Bernard Tomic lost to Victor Hanescu by virtue of his retirement but truth be told, he was losing. I do not think I have mentioned this before but Tampomic’s father has been banned from the tour (can’t even be a spectator) after he was charged with assaulting Bernardo’s hitting partner. Like seriously Daddy Douche, WTF? 22nd seed Alexandr Dolgopolov aka Boywholookslikeagirlwholookslikeaboy (BWLLAGWLLAB) lost to Dmitri Tursunov. This match surprised me in the fact that Dolgopolov folded so easily. Make no mistake, I knew he was going to lose this match but I figured he would have delayed the inevitable by doing so in 5 sets but I guess Tursunov had better things to do with myself. Good of him. I think we can safely say now that Dolgopolov is not going to turn into that massive force on tour despite the huge well of potential that he has. He is just going to be a body in the corps de ballet waving that bush around in the background. Meanwhile, our attention is focused on the display of brilliance from other more mentally fortified players. He really needs to get his shite together. The 28th seed, Florian Mayer got bounced by Denis Istomin in straight sets.

Yes Mr. Goffin aka Frodo Baggins, even I too am confused as to why you are only capable to showing your tennis prowess at the French Open but suck all year long

Yes Mr. Goffin aka Frodo Baggins, even I too am perplexed as to why you are only capable of showing your tennis prowess at the French Open but suck all year long

Well folks, Day 4 promises to be action packed as nearly everyone and their grandmother will be playing for a spot in the next round. See y’all tomorrow. Don’t forget to spread word around about RealzTenisFanz. I would really appreciate more followers on Twitter, likes on Facebooks and readership and comments on the Blog. THANKS. You know all of this is for you my fanz.

REALZ PHOTO BAG

The Hotties

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Maxime Teixeira of France… HOTNESS

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Tabasco Verdasco though a douche, is always worth a taste

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Beautiful Benoit Paire… I mean he is even part of the food group. Nothing better than starting off your morning with some paire.

What a lovely juicy Paire!!

What a lovely juicy Paire!!

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Delicious Dimitrov, although he is allegedly taken… we can still admire

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Well well well.. Marcos Baghdatis ain’t Fatdatis anymore… showing off that nice flat stomach with a treasure trail to gold

France Tennis French Open

Oh Mon Cher Brands is always worth a second look….

The Notties

France Tennis French Open

I am not sure which is uglier, the outfit or him?

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Bartoli, you need to get your life together as well as get in shape

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Seriously, he’s pregnant!

MIXED BAG

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Sweetie, we don’t that in mixed company

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Umpire let!! Some fcuker just farted! Folks lay off the cheese

There is a disturbing fashion trend amongst the ladies these days: Long tights under mini skirts! I have seen Vickie in this get up and even tennis fashion icon, Venus Williams sports this attire from time to time. Ladies STOP IT!! It’s not cute. Either you wear the skirt and a short tight or just the tights. I mean just look at these messes below.

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Someone get Nadia a GPS to find her game. Every time you think she's found her way, she gets lost again

Bernard Tomic

Okay listen Tampomic, we about to remove your brain and your mouth from your @$$. Hopefully, this procedure stops you from becoming an even bigger douche in life

France Tennis French Open

Miss, I do not know who you are but you have achieved the near impossible of looking like a girl creep

I don't care what you say about it being some logo for high-end brand, that's a frigging crocodile and birds don't fcuk with crocodiles.

I don’t care what you say about it being some logo for high-end brand, that’s a frigging crocodile and birds don’t fcuk with crocodiles.

France Tennis French Open

I am just going to take a picture with my iphone and tweet how the ump is just crazy with these line calls. Retweet if you see that it’s in

French Open 2013: Jour 2

In Agnes Radwanska, Angelique Kerber, Bernard Tomic, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Daniel Brands, David Goffin, Fernando Verdasco, Francesca Schiavone, French Open, Gael Monfils, Grigor Dimitrov, Jerzy Janowicz, Li Na, Lukas Rosol, Melanie Oudin, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Paul-Henri Mathieu, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Robin Haase, Stanislav Wawrinka, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tomas Berdych, Varvara Lepchenko, Victoria Azarenka on May 27, 2013 at 1:13 am

On Day 2 of action at the French Open, no real huge upset took place amongst the ladies in contention.
6th seed LiNaLi took out Spanish Anabel Medina-Garrigues in straight sets 6-3 6-4. The Spaniard could have been a tough customer as she took a bagel set off the Serenanator several weeks ago in Madrid. However, clearly that was due to a drop in form from the American more so than the Spaniard being that good.

Trying to find her 2011 French Open form again is LiNaLi

Trying to find her 2011 French Open form again is LiNaLi

4th seed Bratzwanska will join her sister in the 2nd round as she quite quickly destroyed Shahar Peer of Israel with 2 breadsticks 6-1 6-1. Peer has most definitely lost her way in this sport of tennis and it would do well for her to find her form again and find it real soon. Meanwhile, Bratzwanska, no stranger to fashion faux-pas decided that blondes have more fun and coloured her hair. I do not know what inspired this change but I wish she will soon be inspired to change it back. It is not a cute look. Accept that you are not the prettier sister and just work on your game.

It was definitely a dumb move to be blond Bratzwanska

It was definitely a dumb move to be blond Bratzwanska

10th seed Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit aka Mrs. Mcilroy came into the French Open riding high on a 6 match losing streak. She has not won a single match all clay court season. By right, she can take the retirement from Andreas Petkovic in Charleston as a win though no actual point was played. Petkovic pulled out before the start of the match. Nonetheless she has not been her usual self as of late and to add more fuel to the fire, she has finally decided yet again to part ways with daddy Piotr as coach. Let us see how long this will last. However, in the immediacy, she finally won a match. So there might be hope for her after all. Anyway, Woz was playing a very dangerous player in the form of Laura Robson of Great Britain. However, Danish Biscuit had something to prove and she simply crushed Robson 6-3 6-2. No place like the present at a major to find your form and win matches.

Considering a lot of the nonsense Danish Biscuit has worn throughout the ages, it is really tough for me to say that this outfit is the ugliest. Why is Stella still designing??

Considering a lot of the nonsense Danish Biscuit has worn throughout the ages, it is really tough for me to say that this outfit is the ugliest. Why is Stella still designing??

Gosh to be sucking more than Danish Biscuit must really sucks!

Gosh to be sucking more than Danish Biscuit must really sucks!

2nd seed Shriekapova was her usual early-in-a-major-dominant-self, surrendering only 3 games to her opponent. We are never worried about Shriekapova getting to the 2nd week of a major. The issue is always her ability to come up with an effective game plan against a quality opponent whilst in the latter rounds. Nonetheless, for now, she will move on comfortably. Other notable players through to the 2nd round are 15th seed Roberta Vinci, 8th seed Carebear Kerber who dispatched her compatriot Moaning Mona Barthel, 2010 French Open winner Francesco Schiabone, 20th seed Carlo Suarez-Navarro, Serbian Bojana Jovanovski (I heart her) and Kuzi-Rex knocked out the 22nd seed and fellow Russian Makarova. This does not really count as an upset since Kuzi is the far more talented of the two and 2009 French Open champ.

Thanks for coming gurl. The exit is left and you can pick up the loser cheque on your way out!

Thanks for coming gurl. The exit is left and you can pick up the loser cheque on your way out!

17th seed Sloane Stephens is also through to the 2nd round and will be joined fellow Americans 29th seed Varvarne Lepchenko, Vania King (Saw Clown) Melanie Oudin (yes that Melanie), Bethanie Mattek-Sands and Madison Keys. Christina McHale lost to some girl I do not even know. She was the only American playing that did not go through today. Pretty impressive from the American girls. The lone upset on the ladies side had to come from Julia Georges, the 24th seed. She got bounced in straight sets 6-7 0-6 by a qualifier, Zuzana Kucova. I do not know what to say about Georges. Others will say it is physical injuries hampering her game but I would say, it is more likely brain damage. She is just another case of those young guns on tour just shooting blanks.

Sloane is being more tight lipped these days after her verbal diarrhea attack against the Serenanator

Sloane is being more tight lipped these days after her verbal diarrhea attack against the Serenanator

Divadal almost got pegged in the 1st round

Divadal almost got pegged in the 1st round

Things were far more interesting on the men’s side today than on the ladies. I have to say that so far after 2 days of play at the French, I have enjoyed quite a number of matches far more so than usual. Anyway, I digress. Divadal found himself facing a possible 2 set to love deficit at the hands of my baby Daniel Brands of Germany. Brands is not a particularly super talented player. However, he can be quite spectacular if he plays his game and did he ever today. That forehand of his was absolutely SEXY and he was beating Divadal for pace and down the line with that shot. Brands took the 1st set 6-4 and was up 3-1 in the 2nd set tiebreaker. However, he got a bit ahead of himself and Divadal finally decided to hit the panic/escape button in this nightmare of a match he was having. He wrested control of the match, snatching the tiebreaker then breaking Brands at the beginning of both 3rd and 4th sets to claim victory and begin his walk home to his 8th French Open crown. Lord Clay Divadal 4-6 7-6 6-4 6-3.

You're so beautiful Daniel! I know but I am not into you!

You’re so beautiful Daniel! I know but we’re not a match

Wildcard entrant Gael Monfils upset Tomas Berdych 5th seed in 5 sets. I mean seriously this is not really an upset of sorts but Monfils is coming off a long layoff from the game. However, he was really magnificent against the Czech. Monfils aka Beetlejuice in these parts has been known to be a regular wild card on the court. He was an impressive junior (almost won the grand slam of junior titles but injury finished him off at the US Open). Beetlejuice has been one of the few junior players as of late to transition from boys to men quite seamlessly. The issue with him though is that he always seemed to be about theatrics and actual tactic on the court. However, some time ago at the Australian Open if I am not mistaken when he was injured and played against Mikhail Kukushkin, Beetle showed a level of maturity I thought I would never see from him. He fought so bravely in that match and despite losing it, he gave it his all. He impressed me on that day and today, he went even further. It was a quality match between the two with some spectacular shots and wonderful plays.

Beetlejuice showing heart. However, we have no idea WTF he's wearing. I don't know if it is an ugly sweater or a hideous shirt. BTW, you got dropped by NewBalance? Really? Things were that bad out there in the wilderness of injury?

Beetlejuice showing heart. However, we have no idea WTF he’s wearing. I don’t know if it is an ugly sweater or a hideous shirt. But for once we can say, his hair is looking really nice!! BTW, you got dropped by NewBalance? Really? Things were that bad out there in the wilderness of injury?

Nonetheless, Berdych acted as though Monfils owed him the match and refused to seize the money. He got ahead of himself and got broken in the 5th set to have Monfils serve out the match. Monfils served extremely well, being broken once. I know the French are all ecstatic with win because no one energizes them like Monfils. But the French need to be checked because Monfils is not winning this thing. It was a good/excellent win but let us not get crazy now. He just beat Berdych okay and to be quite frank, knowing Berdshite like I do, he can lose to anyone like that; not to take anything away from the Frenchman. Monfils 7-6 6-4 6-7 6-7 7-5

2013+French+Open+Day+2+jPMajVMdk_Al

H&M is your endorsement deal? WTF is going on in the world today? Is this a sign of the harsh economic times. You are working with European K-Mart. The ATP should have some kinda quality control about these kinda things.

6th seed Tsonga won his match quite easily as did his countryman Richard Gasquet (7). They went through to the 2nd round as did Julian Benneteau (30) who looked to have lost the plot at one point after being up 2 sets to love and 5-1 I think in the 3rd but he got it together late in the 4th set, taking it in the breaker. Jarko Nieminen of Finland halted the French wave by knocking out Paul-Henri Mathieu in 5 sets. 11th seed Nicolas Almagro won his match in 4 sets (This Spaniard might need an intervention soon because I think he is hanging out with Tabasco Verdasco too much as of late). Ernest Gulbis also won and will face Monfils in the 2nd round. Up and coming Jerszy Janowicz (21) also won as did Lukas Rosol (last man to beat Divadal at a major). Other winners include 32nd seed Tommy Robredo (on the comeback tour) and 27th seed Fabio Fognini (that hot Italian sausage). Marin Chin Cilic (10) and Kei Nishikori (13) will be in the 2nd round as will John Isner aka BFG and fellow American Ryan Harrison.

Is Tsonga also working as a ball boy at these championships?

Is Tsonga also working as a ball boy at these championships?

By way of upsets we have Juan Monaco, the 17th seed who cannot seem to get his tennis life together much these days. Mr. Divadal Ex was up 2 sets to love but then decided that winning the match might not be what he wanted to do right that instance. I guess as his opponent was Spaniard, Daniel Gimeno-Traver, he was having some kinda of Divadal flashback because he clearly checked out. Spanish boys seem to be his kryptonite. Juanito boo, get your shite together! It is over between you and Divadal. You knew that he was not going to commit to you and shave his beard. It hurts but let that go and move on. Let me tell you, the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else. And my name is Someone Else okay! I can deal with leftovers if you are what is being microwaved. I’m just saying okay.

Daniel Gimeno-Traver got Monaco's head all wrapped up. I mean he is not an ugly guy, albeit better looking than Divadal but there are certainly hotter Spanish men out there.

Daniel Gimeno-Traver got Monaco’s head all wrapped up. I mean he is not an ugly guy, albeit better looking than Divadal but there are certainly hotter Spanish men out there.

In other news, an Aussie youngster Nick Kyrgios took out Shark Boy Radek Stepanek in straight sets all in tiebreaker. Now that is remarkable from the 18-year-old especially against a veteran solid player like Stepanek. American Rhyne Williams lost in the 3rd and final stage of qualifying to get into the main draw of the French Open. However, due to a late withdrawal, he was entered as a “Lucky Loser” into the draw. Funny thing was that he was not so lucky as he would be facing the same guy who beat in the qualies and he would lose to him again. I am sorry Rhyne but the upside is that you still get a decent cheque for losing in the 1st round of main draw but get jack shite for losing in the qualies at any stage.

Djoker vs Goffin

Djoker vs Goffin

Anyway, that is about it for major happenings on Day 2 at the French Open. Day 3 will see the conclusion of all the 1st round matches. Djoker Harlequeen (1) will begin his assault for claiming his 1st French Open title as does Vickie. Both may have tough customers on their hands by way of David Goffin of Belgium (almost stretched Mr. Federer to the limit last year at the French) and the Russian Elena Vesnina (knocked Venus out of 1st round of Wimbledon). However, I am not worried about either player. Petra Kvitova aka GHW (Grand High Witch) that enigma of anomalies will also play. No one is entirely sure which Petra will show up on court tomorrow, not even Petra. So watch out for that match against Rezai, there might be an upset there. The only comfort Petra can have is that Rezai is capable of playing worse even when her opponent is clearly struggling. Sam D’Stove Stosur (9), 2010 French Open finalist will also open her campaign tomorrow as do Delicious Dimitrov, Stan Wawrinka (9) who is battling injury, Tabasco Verdasco, Fatoli Bartoli (13) and Tommy Haas (12). I do not see much of an upset happening tomorrow though I do think that Nicolas Mahut will beat Douchsarevic in 4-5 sets. Also one has to wonder about the rains in Paris as we have had two lovely days of play so far.

REALZ MIXED BAG PHOTOS

The Hotties

Jerzy Hotness in full effect

Jerzy Hotness in full effect

Ah mon Cher Brandy. Poetry in Motion

Ah mon Cher Brandy. Poetry in Motion

Petzschner is definitely trending in my mind right

Petzschner is definitely trending in my mind right

Oh Robin Haase...the hot flying Dutchman. I'll set sail with you any day...

Oh Robin Haase…the hot flying Dutchman. I’ll set sail with you any day…

Fognini got me seeing all cloudy right now and I am close to precipitating all over the place. Way too much condensation for one man!

Fognini got me seeing all cloudy right now and I am close to precipitating all over the place. Way too much condensation for one man!

The Notties

Beetlejuice was playing so beautiful yesterday that I forgot how unpretty he is. But then I saw this and it's All coming back to me now!

Beetlejuice was playing so beautiful yesterday that I forgot how unpretty he is. But then I saw this and it’s All coming back to me now!

Melanie Oudin what's going on gurl? You are dressed like a butternut squash while looking like a cabbage patch doll!

Melanie Oudin what’s going on gurl? You are dressed like a butternut squash while looking like a cabbage patch doll!

The Feminine Mystique? Someone get this girl some ribbons or something quick. I mean seriously, why does Carlo look like this? Though I have to say that the colour looks really nice on her.

The Feminine Mystique? Someone get this girl some ribbons or something quick. I mean seriously, why does Carlo look like this? Though I have to say that the colour looks really nice on her.

Kuzi-Rex WTF is this shite? I would have said it was impossible before but you are wearing a nursery rhyme.

Kuzi-Rex WTF is this shite? I would have said it was impossible before but you are wearing a nursery rhyme.

I saw this picture of Kuzi-Rex at Elena Dementieva's wedding. I do not even know where to begin but Kuzi is really giving Big Gurl Butch/Fem Queen Realness all in one!

I saw this picture of Kuzi-Rex at Elena Dementieva’s wedding and I had to share it. I do not even know where to begin but Kuzi is really giving Big Gurl Butch/Fem Queen Realness all in one! The SHOES! The DRESS! The HAIR! SMH

Other Realz Shots

I think hers is bigger than yours Divadal

I think hers is bigger than yours Divadal

Carebear Kerber is so pumped up and so is her ----!!!

Carebear Kerber is so pumped up and so is her —-!!!

French Open 2013: Jour 1

In Ana Ivanovic, Arantxa Rus, David Ferrer, French Open, Gael Monfils, Gilles Simon, James Blake, Lleyton Hewitt, Milos Raonic, Nadia Petrova, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Urszula Radwanska, Venus Williams on May 26, 2013 at 8:44 pm
The 2013 French Open is on and in full effect

The 2013 French Open is on and in full effect

So the French Open begun today and the French in an effort to promote this Sunday start brought out some of the big guns to play. The Williams Sister, Mr. Federer, Fiery Ferrer, Sara Errani, Simon and Ivanovic were all up for play. Overall it was a nice mix. However, because so many of the players I like to watch were player, I missed the gym. No merci.

France Tennis French Open

Let us start with the ladies. Sara Errani (5), 2012 French Open finalist was the 1st player through to the 2nd round at these championships. She took out an inconsistent but dangerous player in the form of Aranxta Rus of Netherlands 6-1 6-2. Rus you would remember took out Kim Clijster aka Mommie Dearest/Princess Fiona in the 2010 French Open if I am not mistaken and Rus also had a nice run at the French last year. However, she has done little to match that sorta form as of late and will her rankings plummet even farther. Ana Ivanovic (14) also won, the 2008 French Open champion. However, it was more Ivanovic the Terrible out on court. This girl cannot get her life together. It took her 3 sets to deal with her opponent who was nothing special out there. It is as though Ana is afraid to be winning because no sooner is she up in a match then she decides that keeping the ball in play is not what she is supposed to do on court. Granted that her overall game has some serious flaws and I really hate her fist pump motion, she is so much better than her current ranking.

The Serenanator in full in destroying mode

The Serenanator in full in destroying mode

The overwhelming favourite at these championships, the Serenanator (1) put all fears aside by dismantling Ana Tatishvili of Georgia 6-0 6-1. There is no questioning the Serenanator’s form on clay these days and she looked as ever impressive. However, I just wish people will lay off the Serenanator and last year’s early round lost against Virginie Razzano. Razzano lost the next round and needed a wild card to get into this event. Putting that little fact aside, since that 1st round lost, the American as lost I think a total of 3-4 times since. Last summer, she won two Olympic gold medals, Wimbledon and the US Open; took Istanbul in convincing fashion in the fall. That lost was an anomaly, a tiny blip in the radar that will not show up again. I know it was a strange loss but the Serenanator has definitely reprogrammed herself and is all about the business of winning. She is looking really good. It is hard to describe fully her play since then. She is really on it.

Someone get Nadia a GPS to find her game. Every time you think she's found her way, she gets lost again

Someone get Nadia a GPS to find her game. Every time you think she’s found her way, she gets lost again

Other winners include Sabine Lisicki (32), Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (19) who is working with Martina Hingis as her coach. I know right. Hingis was unable to win the French despite her clay court prowess. She made it to two finals and lost them badly especially that 1999 meltdown against Steffi Graff. I have to admit though that she was right about the call. Anyway, Frenchwomen Caroline Garcia and Razzano also won as well as Soriana Cirstea (26). Nadia Petrova (11) lost to Monica Puig of Puerto Rico in 3 sets. I do not know how Nadia got to be the 11th seed and clearly nor does she.
I have to deal with Venus Williams in her own paragraph because to be honest, I am not sure what else I can say about this woman.

My Venus Ebony Starr Williams

My Venus Ebony Starr Williams. Gurl you know I loving the au naturel hairdo #nomoreweavedramainyourlife

Venus is my favourite player of all time though my emotional connection to her is quite problematic. For her to rise to the top of my favourite list is really hard since I heart Monica, Mr. Federer and Pete Sampras not mention all my crushes Dimitrov, Brands etc etc. Anyway, Venus played Urszula Radwanska, the little sister of Aggie Radwanska aka Bratzwanska and fanz it was a messy match. Venus was a source of oxymorons today. She played well and yet did not play well. She was hitting great shots but yet they were not great shots. Her serve was on but it was well off the mark. I do not know how to describe the events today fully other than to say she lost 6-7 7-6 6-4 and is out of the French Open.

The agony of hard work not paying off

The agony of hard work not paying off

I am always very critical of Venus Williams because in many ways, I feel like her triumphs are my triumphs and conversely, her failures/losses are mine. I scream, I shout, I tweet whenever she is out on court failing to win. I am always a mess with her matches. Take today for example, Venus was HORRID at the net. I do not care what people say, Venus needs to learn how to volley. She rarely is able to put away the ball at the net. Her shots always land high and her opponents get to tee off. She is at the net and cannot stop the passing shots and is very susceptible to being lobbed. She got up to the net today and it was a disaster. I kept shouting at my computer and it was all to no avail. It hurt so badly but yet Venus kept rushing the net like gangbusters and at times she was very successful but for me that made her lose the match. I think hurt the most was the tremendous effort Venus was putting out on court and it was not paying dividend. In her press conference, she spoke about how her serving is being affected by her back. I was a mess yesterday!

Urszula knocked out my Venus. I wanna hate on her so badly but she deserved the win

Urszula knocked out my Venus. I wanna hate on her so badly but she deserved the win

I have to give Urszula credit because her defensive skills were pretty good. It was like she had the password to Venus’s brain and knew where she was going with every shot. She got some game but if she is struggling this mightily against a player like Venus who will be 33 next June and is plagued with a debilitating disease as well as a bad back, gurl this match is more a minus than a plus. You could have easily have lost this match just the same. All in all I have to say I am really proud of Venus for still fighting. You can see the effort out there. It is tremendous but it hurts when you are not seeing the results. I know there is another slam in you.

Oh Urszula, the Serenanator is planning your destruction as we speak!

Oh Urszula, the Serenanator is planning your destruction as we speak!

Easy, breezy and beautiful Mr. Federer

Easy, breezy and beautiful Mr. Federer

On the men’s side of the draw, things were rather routine. Mr. Federer dispatched a young Spanish player Pablo Carreno Busta in straight sets. This Spanish player definitely has a bright future ahead of him.

Pablo Carreno Busta of Spain. I am claiming this Caliente hotness as my own right now so you other itches just back up!!!

Pablo Carreno Busta of Spain. I am claiming this Caliente hotness as my own right now so you other itches just back up!!!

Other winners include David Ferrer (4), Milos Raonic (14) in 4 sets, Andreas Seppi who almost dispatched Djoker last year at this tournament, won in 5 sets. American Sam Querry, aka The Grinch, he is also through to the 2nd round. IN the batter of losers, Troicki managed to beat James Blake in straight sets. For one brief moment, it looked like James Blake might make something happen but it was only a glimmer and it soon faded. Gilles Simon found himself down 2 sets to love against veteran Hewitt. However, he soon righted his ship and steered for home with a 5 set win over the Aussie.

Chicken legs Simon got to running because they almost got bounced in straight sets

Chicken legs Simon got to running because they almost got bounced in straight sets

Fefe Lopez has to finish his match against country man Granollers. They are tied 2 sets a piece. The more Fefe we see the better

Fefe Lopez has to finish his match against country man Granollers. They are tied 2 sets a piece. The more Fefe we see the better

That is pretty much of it for mentionable matches for Day 1. Day 2 has a lot of interesting match ups in particular the Berdshite v Beetlejuice match. LiNaLi will be in action tomorrow as well as Divadal, Shriekapova, Bratzwanska, Baby Ali Tsonga, Gasquet, Danish Biscuit, Carebear Kerber, Kuzi Rex, Slaone Stephens and Juan Monaco.

The Mama Lioness was not amused by this Radwanska the lesser dealing with her baby on court

The Mama Lioness was not amused by this Radwanska the lesser dealing with her baby on court

French Open 2013: Le Prévu

In Agnes Radwanska, Ana Ivanovic, Andy Murray, Angelique Kerber, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, David Goffin, Lukas Rosol, Marcos Baghdatis, Maria Sharapova, Mikhail Youzhny, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sam Stosur, Tomas Berdych, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka, Virginie Razzano on May 26, 2013 at 12:23 am

France Tennis French Open

The French Open is set to begin tomorrow or today depending on when I post this entry. The French is the only major tournament that sees the wisdom of starting the major on a Sunday instead of the Monday considering the frequency of “epicness” of the men’s. Anyway, another major is upon us and all the usual suspects are involved with the lone exception of Lochness Monster aka Andy Murray. I know for my part, he will not really be missed and truth be told, he was not a factor here.

French Open Preview Tennis

You know, every major I get very excited thinking about the event and how it will be so epic but as I sit to write the preview posts, I always feel less enthusiastic about the matter. It is like being in the club and seeing that hot specimen across the dance floor and then the bright light hits and you realize that you have been sweating after a troll. No bueno! Look I am not saying that the majors are a buzz kill but we know that on the men’s side, it would be same people in the final with an almost guaranteed Divadal victory much to my chagrin and on the ladies well… I am not sure what to say about the ladies but it is usually a chokefest. To be honest, I was not feeling last year’s final and not because I am not a Shriekapova fan. It was really and truly very dull and not to mention that the red hot Serenanator went up in flames in the 1st round. Anyway let us not forecast bad weather for this one because nothing is guaranteed especially in the world of sports.

France Tennis French Open

Anyway the draw came out on Friday and the most noticeable thing is that the French Federation stuck to the current ATP/WTA rankings instead of fiddling around with it to place players above their current status. On the ladies side this does not matter much but on the men’s side, the real issue is that Divadal was ranked 3rd not that it matters to any real significant degree. I mean he is a clay god and gods prove themselves through action not words nor rankings. There is absolutely no use denying it. The man simply resonates power on the stuff. There is a sense of pending destruction when he comes on the clay court because really and truly, he can destroy the entire field. He determines the score line and there is very little his opponents can do other than work hard to avoid the bagel or breadstick. His only challenge is Djoker Harlequeen and unfortunately for some, they are on the same side of the draw, projected to meet in the semi-finals. In other words it will be no repeat of last year’s final. Good because even that too was anticlimatic. So we are promised a good final.

Men’s Draw

Novak Djokovic

          In Djoker’s quarter, he could face his countryman Douchserivic in the quarterfinals if seeds hold true to form but I doubt Douchy is getting that far. Interestingly enough, Djoker starts off his campaign for his career slam and possibly true grand slam as he is the 2013 Aussie Open champ, against David Goffin that Frodo looking Belgian who gave Mr. Federer so much trouble in the 4th round I think in last year’s French. Djoker could face Delicious Dimitrov, allegedly Maria’s boyfriend in the 3rd round. Dimitrov knocked Djoker out of Madrid this season. Also lurking in this quarter are BFG Isner, Tabasco Verdasco and Mikhail Youzhny. However, none of these players are in anywhere near fit to take on the Djuggernaut that is Djoker Harlequeen. He is hungry for this title and is very tight lipped and focused about his game. He refuses to talk about the draw and is taking a Serenanator approach to the major; you look only at your current match and forget who is still in the draw. Djoker is ready like Freddy for this and he is going all out.

French Open Preview Tennis

          In Divadal’s quarter, he starts off his campaign against my hubby Daniel Brands. I mean seriously,  the tennis gods can be so unkind. Brands would be slaughtered like a kitten caged with a tigress but I will be there for the récupération avec mon amour. Divadal could face Gasquet in the quarters if both play to form and quite possibly, Divadal will have to take on the last man to beat him at a major, Lukas Rosol in the 3rd round. I think the ATP better put the mercy rule in effect for this match because I know Divadal will be brutality mood if this match up comes to fruition. He will be going for a golden set (not dropping a single point in the set, 24 consecutive points).

          This is Ferrer’s quarter and not much going on in here other than it is basically the land of the Giants. Monfils aka Beetlejuice, Ernest Gulbis who almost took out Divadal in Rome, Berdshite and Raonic all running around in this section. They are all tremendous athletic specimen but none of them has actually done the improbable and truly find their game when it really counts. Ferrer knows the clay courts better than all of them combined and though he cannot overpower them, he can out maneuver them, which on clay is the name of the game.  

Roger Federer

I gotta stretch more in my old age

          Mr. Federer is in the bottom half of the draw and could be facing a lot of Frenchmen who have all been problematic for him in the past and recent times. Simon, Benneteau and Tsonga. Divadal’s ex Juan Monaco is also around but truth be told none of these players including Mr. Federer himself has shown much of much this season. Juan Monaco is still recovering from the fact that Divadal decided to grow back his beard. Almost destroyed the man since things looked so good during the off season. Anyway I digress. Nonetheless, we cannot discount Mr. Federer as he is a major player and he should be good enough to get to the quarters/semis at the very least if all goes well.      

Gurlfriend it's fine. You can come here anytime you want. I own this place.

Gurlfriend it’s fine. You can come here anytime you want. I own this place.

 

   Interesting 1st round match ups

o   Benoit vs Bagdatis

o   Beetlejuice vs Berdshite

o   Blake vs Troicki (where the winner will still be a loser)

o   Simon vs Hewitt

Could you stop looking at my bald spot? I am working on it and so is Rogaine. Now mind your business.

Could you stop looking at my bald spot? I am working on it and so is Rogaine. Now mind your business.

          My pick for the winner: Smart money will always be Divadal. He is 6 for 7 at these championships and has made all 7 finals of the 7 tournaments he has played losing 2 titles since his return this year. If there is an upset brewing, it will be Djoker. Mr. Federer 2013 French Open champ? Unlikely but you know I will be all for this. I will always be on the Mr. Federer’s bandwagon. But the real truth of the matter is that he has to hope for a Divadal defeat to stand a chance. I watched that Roma final couple of weeks ago and I am telling you, Rome hasn’t seen that kinda massacre since the assassination of Julius Ceasar. It was brutal. Roger barely escaped with his life. I’m keeping it real here, he does not stand a chance especially since he doesn’t employ my strategy see previous post. But I will support him to the end.

Mr. Federer, what happened in the Roma final? Well what had happen was....I forgot

Mr. Federer, what happened in the Roma final? Well what had happen was….I have no recollection of this incident you speak of.

LADIES’ DRAW

France Tennis French Open

And that’s why I am the only itch!!

–  Well this clay court season, it has been all about the Serenanator as it was last year. Ho, this year, the American went even further. She has not lost a match since January in Aussie Open quarter-finals. Wait, she lost the Doha final to Vickie in 3 sets. But she picked up Miami, Charleston, Madrid and Rome to find herself the overwhelming favourite for this major clay court title. Whether it be green, red or use to be blue clay, the American is a hurricane on the court, blowing away all opponents in convincing fashion. She was in similar form last year only to be bounced out of Paris by the unlikely Virginie Razzano. She didn’t even win her mixed doubles match. However, something tells me that history is not likely to repeat itself this year. Carebear Kerber is in this section of the draw but really and truly, I think the Kerber star is fading. She is a good player but that serve is huge liability especially on clay. The Germany will face her compatriot Moaning Mona Barthel in the 1st round and that might be her undoing if Mona plays to potential. Kuzi-Rex is floating around here and can be a dangerous opponent but she is just so inconsistent and injured these days. Vinci is also around and she might just prove to be the Italiana to find herself in a 4th consecutive French Open ladies final. Danish Biscuit is also mucking about the place but this cookie has not won a single match on clay this season I think. She is 0-5.

If tennis does not work out for me, I'll be Rory's bag lady. Plus I get to keep an eye on my man...Ain't none of those leftover Tiger itches be getting at my man.

If tennis does not work out for me, I’ll be Rory’s bag lady. Plus I get to keep an eye on my man…Ain’t none of those leftover Tiger itches be getting at my man.

–          Bratzwanska is in bottom quarter of the top half section and starts off against Shahar Peer who has most certainly lost her way in tennis. Venus Williams is also in this section but with an ailing back plus her syndrome and horrid serve, I think she might get bounced in the 2nd round. I say she takes out Urszula Radwanska in the 1st round. Errani will face Bratzwanska if seeds hold true to form but neither of these players has looked in top form as of late.  Ivanovic the Terrible, Losicki, Lady Hobbit Navarro and Julia Georges are also in this section.

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–          Vickie is in the bottom half and may have to face LiNaLi in the quarters if they play well. Vickie is not the best clay court player but she is not the worst and should make it through to the quarters. However, Fatoli and Krazilenko might have something to say to this. Young British hopeful Heather Watson is in this part of the draw and could win a couple of rounds if she is smart about it.

–          Kvitova aka Grand High Witch aka GHW is in the bottom quarter along with Shriekapova. Kvitova faces Rezai in the 1st round and knowing how crazy the Czech can be, she might very well lose to the Frenchwoman in spectacular fashion. Fivehead Jankovic will take on Daniella Hantuchova in the 1st round and I am sure it will be a mess of a match. That should be interesting though. Nonetheless, I see Shriekapova screaming her way to the quarters at the very least. She intends to defend her improbable 2012 French Open title and truly she has been the 2nd best clay court player of this season. Chances are if she gets to the final and meet the Serenanator, she will be destroyed but the Russian is not one to waste a golden opportunity. Last year, all her greatest threats were out before the semis and she easily snagged herself the French crown. So the other ladies with designs on this crowd in mind best beware that Shriekapova came here to fight and she will cut a itch.

Let me put my hair in a ponytail. Where's my Vaseline? I'm ready for these itches not names Serenanator

Let me put my hair in a ponytail. Where’s my Vaseline? I’m ready for these itches not named Serenanator

–          My pick is definitely the Serenanator who if she can battle her demons and put the madness of her being some kinda dropshot specialist out of her mind, she will have her 2nd French title; 11 years since her 1st one in 2002. Of course in my dreams, I see Ebony Starr winning this title. I can deal with a semi-finals appearance but losing to the Serenanator. The Serenanator worked very hard this year for this title and truly deserves it. However, majors are not charities. You want one, you have to win one and there is nothing the Serenanator loves doing but winning.

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HOTNESS

Germany Tennis

I think he is finally over Divadal

So this concludes our first edition for the 2013 French Open coverage. Play begins on Sunday and not Monday and the French Tennis Federation has packed the day with the William sisters, Simon, Hewitt, Mr. Federer, Ivanovic the Terrible and Ferrer are all slated to play on the 1st Sunday.

Mr. Federer here is a game plan for Divadal in Roma final 2013!

In Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer on May 19, 2013 at 10:44 am

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Dear Mr. Federer,

You will be facing Divadal, actually Lord Clay Divadal, for the umpteenth time now and lord knows, I am not getting my hopes up at all that you can do the near impossible of beating the Spaniard on clay. Truth be told, you are not going to do it. This match is sorta of a historic event for me because for the first time, I am not getting excited nor have that fool’s confidence that you can slaughter this clay court giant. I mean you have a tough enough time beating him on other surfaces much more his favourite. Nonetheless, I have some tips for you Mr. Federer as you go into this match. In no particular order

1)      Forget that you took him to 5 sets in 2006 Roma final (you lost that one remember) Forget that you have beaten him twice on clay; Madrid and Hamburg are not real. The truth of the matter you have no prayer in this match. Accept that fact. Just play your best and something good will happen in return.

2)      The MAIN goal is to win at least ONE set! Do not think about winning the match outright at this point. Taking this to a 3 setter will be a good thing. Because a beatdown will not go over well with your fanz when having to face these Divadal fanz! They are nasty!!

3)      Serve well and I mean serve like the kids’ life depending on it. No loose service games and handing free games to the Spaniard.

4)      No losing any set by more than a break. Therefore, do not be munching on bagels, breadsticks or two-piece. No 0-6 1-6 or 2-6 We cannot go out like that. Push for tiebreakers because the Divadal is not serving well at all this week.

5)      Try to get your @$$ to the net! YOU CANNOT OUT HIT HIM FROM THE BASELINE. I swear if you will only accept this brilliant truth, you would have a much more favourable record against the man.

6)      And while at the net: No foolishness at the net. You have this annoying habit of always trying to be “cute” at the net and end up looking like an @$$. Nope, cut that shite out today. You get to the net, finish the point with a WINNER!

7)      When you get break points, PLEASE CONVERT; that’s the point of getting them. I mean you work so hard to get them in the 1st place and then work even harder to lose them all. Get your life together.

8)      Rome is not the main goal but Paris, therefore do not go all out today. Play cool, calm and collected. So no cursing, no screaming and slagging off to the chair ump. Save that shite for when you are playing Djoker and Berdshite.

9)      Your unemployed backhand ie does not work, will be under attack like Republicans after President Obama. Be prepared and do something constructive with that shite. No popping it up there for that nasty Divadal forehand because it will be back in your face in a hurry for a winner.

  1. While we are on this subject, if Paul is not going to fix that shite, I say you fire his ass and find someone who can help you because that thing needs to get off unemployment cheques and GET TO WORK!!

10)   Try to have some fun out there. You’re older and these opportunities are becoming rarer. Enjoy yourself and know that your fanz are all supporting you always though we expect you to be slaughtered today.