Dear Fiery Ferrer: This one is for you!

In David Ferrer, French Open, Rafael Nadal on June 9, 2013 at 9:16 am
You and Divadal are not friends today!! Be a Serenanator out there today!

You and Divadal are not friends today!! Be a Serenanator out there today!

Hey Fiery Ferrer!

You know how much we here are RealzTenisFanz appreciate your hotness and how much we appreciate you on a whole. So many congratulations for making your 1st major final and for it to be the French even more praise for you. Anyway, the reason why I am writing this open letter is to offer up some advice for your upcoming battle v Divadal. Many…if not all of us have given you not a single shot in hell to win this match. We hardly give you a shot to win a set. However, miracles do happen everyday and I just might be due for one. Stranger things have happen you know. I mean Eva Majoli has a French Open title and Martini Hingis does not. Thomas Johansson beat Marat Safin at the Australian Open. Hell, Justine had fake diarrhea v Amelie. So, do not discount yourself wholly in this match up. You have a chance. Remember, the game is won and lost on the field; not on paper.

Nonetheless, I am going to give you the same advice I give to Mr. Federer (Amended of course) I will advise that you take it into consideration because lord knows, Mr. Federer did not and he was massacred on court. I am trying to avoid the same fate for you.


Dear Mr. Federer Fiery Ferrer,

You will be facing Divadal, actually Lord Clay Divadal, for the umpteenth time now and lord knows, I am not getting my hopes up at all that you can do the near impossible of beating the Spaniard your countryman on clay. Truth be told, you are not going to do it. This match is sorta of a historic event for me because for the first time, I am not getting excited nor have that fool’s confidence that you can slaughter this clay court giant. I mean you have a tough enough time beating him on other surfaces much more his favourite. Nonetheless, I have some tips for you Mr. Federer as you go into this match. In no particular order

1)      Forget that you took him to 5 sets in 2006 Roma final (you lost that one remember) Forget that you have beaten him twice on clay; Madrid and Hamburg are not real. The truth of the matter you have no prayer in this match. Accept that fact. Just play your best and something good will happen in return.

2)      The MAIN goal is to win at least ONE set! Do not think about winning the match outright at this point. Taking this to a 3 5 setter will be a good thing. Because a beatdown will not go over well with your fanz when having to face these Divadal fanz! They are nasty!!

3)      Serve well and I mean serve like the kids’ your parents’ life depending on it. No loose service games and handing free games to the Spaniard the Divadal.

4)      No losing any set by more than a break. Therefore, do not be munching on bagels, breadsticks or two-piece. No 0-6 1-6 or 2-6 We cannot go out like that; not in front of your parents. Push for tiebreakers because the Divadal is not serving well at all this week.

5)      Try to get your @$$ to the net! YOU CANNOT OUT HIT HIM FROM THE BASELINE. I swear if you will only accept this brilliant truth, you would have a much more favourable record against the man.

6)      And while at the net: No foolishness at the net. You have this annoying habit of always trying to be “cute” at the net and end up looking like an @$$. Nope, cut that shite out today. You get to the net, finish the point with a WINNER! I am going to add something else for you Fiery Ferrer: WHEN AT NET, DO NOT HIT THE FREAKING BALL TO DIVADAL; GO FOR THE OPEN COURT! YOU ALWAYS HIT IT TO HIM, LIKE THE MATCH IS SOME FRIGGING SET UP

Dude stop hitting the ball back to me; I'm only going to pass you for a winner

Dude stop hitting the ball back to me; I’m only going to pass you for a winner

7)      When you get break points, PLEASE CONVERT; that’s the point of getting them. I mean you work so hard to get them in the 1st place and then work even harder to lose them all. Get your life together.

8)      Rome is not the main goal All those other losses do not matter but today in Paris, therefore do not go all out today. Play cool, calm and collected. So no cursing, no screaming and slagging off to the chair ump. Save that shite for when you are playing Djoker and Berdshite.

9)      Your unemployed backhand ie does not work, will be under attack like Republicans after President Obama. Be prepared and do something constructive with that shite. No popping it up there for that nasty Divadal forehand because it will be back in your face in a hurry for a winner.

  1. While we are on this subject, if Paul is not going to fix that shite, I say you fire his ass and find someone who can help you because that thing needs to get off unemployment cheques and GET TO WORK!!

10)   Try to have some fun out there. You’re older and these opportunities are becoming rarer. Enjoy yourself and know that your fanz are all supporting you always though we expect you to be slaughtered today.

11)    My last bit of advice for you Fiery Ferrer is: I do not want to live in a tennis era where Lochness Monster Murray has a major title and you don’t. SO PLEASE CAUSE THE UPSET OF THE CENTURY AND WIN THIS TITLE. REMEMBER ALBERT COSTA WHO BEAT FERRERO IN 2002. ASK SANTA MARIA, SANTA TERESA, SANTA JOSEPH, EVEN SANTA CLAUS, TO GRANT YOU THIS MIRACLE.

No matter what, at the end of the day you are WAY HOTTER

No matter what, at the end of the day you are WAY HOTTER

And you have a full head of healthy hair with a real girlfriend

And you have a full head of healthy hair with a real girlfriend


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