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2014 ATP What the FCUK Finals?

In Andy Murray, ATP World Tour Finals, David Ferrer, Gael Monfils, Grigor Dimitrov, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Kei Nishikori, Marin Cilic, Milos Raonic, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Stanislas Wawrinka, Tomas Berdych on November 15, 2014 at 10:35 am

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At some point in this lifetime, someone has to pay me serious money in order to discuss tennis. It is a near crime that I am not doing this for a living especially when we consider my posting on the 2014 Barclay’s World Tour Finals; my preview edition. I have been dead-on with my assessment! It has been a virtual shit show for all the tennis fans because it seems like this tournament is more of an ATP 250’s series instead of the sport’s top elite 8 battling it out for the Year Ending Championship title. I swear one might see far more competitive matches at a Challenger event than at the “O2 Arena” this past week. Through the first 2 rounds of RR Group matches, 8 matches, there have been 8 straight-set victories to the higher ranked player with 1 bagel set (6-0), 6 breadsticks (6-1), 1 tiebreaker (7-6) where the loser did not win a single point for a total of 8 hours and 26 minutes of actual play, averaging just about 1 hour and 3 minutes per match. The 3rd round matches were hardly contests as opposed to being carnival. Yeah folks, this is what the game top 8 men have to offer at the end of the year. I told you all that you should have added Grigor Dimitrov, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Beetlejuice Monfils and Gulbis. Things would have been so much better.

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I hardly want to discuss the actual specifics of the two groups, Group A and Group B but I think I must because there was this filthy lie that was spread about that Group A was so much more competitive than Group B. Well that old adage of “The truth will always be relieved” certainly held true. When Group A took to play on Monday, it was like we were at the Olive Garden’s World Tour Finals because it was unlimited breadsticks. Both Djoker Harlequeen (1) and Stanley (3) dispatched of their opponents, Berdshite (6) and Chin Cilic (8) with a 6-1 6-1 scoreline respectively. Neither match lasted more than hour if I am not mistaken. It was pitiful but hardly surprising to me. The only good thing about that result was that neither Chin Cilic nor Berdshite was in 4th place; they were both tied for 3rd at the end of the day’s play. Always look at the bright side of things no?

Even Cece Houston is not impressed with this level of play here in London

Even Cece Houston is not impressed with this level of play here in London. Whitney’s funeral had more drama and excitement than this!

Everyone was going on about how brilliant Stanley played against Berdshite and figured that his next matchup v Djoker was sure to be as thrilling as their last encounter in Melbourne when the Swiss won it in 5 sets and moved on to win his first major. However, I know Stanley and we all know that ‘bad-beating’ Berdshite is far from any true barometer of one’s skill. Sure enough when Stanley met up with Djoker, he took a 2-0 lead to open the match. Then … well … he kinda … hmmm how to put this? He got his ass whipped like he was a runaway slave who tried to incite a revolt and slept with “Massa’s daughter”.  Djoker turned into that Destructive Djuggernaut Beast as he took the next 12/13 games for a 6-3 6-0 victory. At one point he was winning nearly all the points breaking Stanley at love. See this is why Stan is Stanley for me. He ain’t no Stanislas and most certainly is not a Stan. He has neither the temperament nor talent to be a Stan. He’s a Stanley, a mere average Joe and every so often, he catches lightening in a bottle and do something extraordinary. One can hope he gets his life together for Davis Cup Finals next week. Mr. Federer deserves a Fed Cup crown something both Djoker and Divadal have.

Praying for a Swiss Davis Cup victory over France this upcoming weekend

Praying for a Swiss Davis Cup victory over France this upcoming weekend

In the other matchup well Berdshite continued his streak of losing all his opening round matches at these championships and then rebound to take the 2nd matches. He got rid of Chin Cilic 6-3 6-1. Cilic later stated that he is “unfit”. I mean seriously, we are still making these kinda excuses at this level. This is the kinda nonsense Divadal and his Diagnosis Drama be causing. It is like an epidemic in tennis now. “I-lose-a-match-and-I-am-unwell-itis” Symptoms include, many unforced errors, poor serving, poor shot selections, missing easy forehands, spraying balls wide and long of the lines and losing matches. One may also experience headaches, fever, low blood pressure if you are Ivanovic the Terrible and bouts of diarrhea if you are Justine Henin. However, Chin Cilic, this is what my expertise tells me, “Gurl it is them shoes you wearing that are unfit. Who the hell wears yellow shoes to an indoor event? You just a scrub. Deal with it!”

He definitely got these from the Yellow Brick Road Souvenir Shop or perhaps at Big Bird's Clothing Store on Sesame Street

He definitely got these from the Yellow Brick Road Souvenir Shop or perhaps at Big Bird’s Clothing Store on Sesame Street

Now Chin Cilic has to deal with a lot of flak about his US Open. I know a lot of people think his win was not “legitimate” and that there should be an asterisk of sorts next to his name. However, he was for real. He showed up for 7 matches and he won them all fairly and squarely. I should know. I was there and I saw him do it. Even Mr. Federer noted in his loss to him at the US Open that Cilic has always shown himself capable of doing good things on the court. Now if someone else wanted to take the title, they should have put up. I am not expecting Chin Cilic to be a major contender but I expected him to be less scrubish. However, at this tournament, he has been a total scrub. Now if that is the complaint; go right ahead but do not try to steal the shine from the man’s effort in NYC. Now we have the likes of Bershite trying to shade Chin Cilic saying after their match, “Let’s put it this way: with the way he played, he would never win a US Open.” Gurl… Gurrllll No! No! You’re being shady bitch. It can’t be you having this discussion. It simply cannot be you. If Djoker said something like this, I would be like “slight bit of shade” but okay. But you gurl? Ehh No!

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First off, Chin Cilic beat your ass on his way to that US Open title and he did so again at Wimbledon. Chin Cilic also has a major something you do not have. Second, your lone trip to a major final, you did not even win a set. So really gurl, have a seat! Have several seats and STFU! Anyway in the final matchups for Group A it is Berdshite v Djoker (That’s bound to be a “thriller” seeing as how last time they met Djoker had match POINTS for 6-0 6-0 but eventually gifted him 2 games for 6-0 6-2)

I'll let this lil Brady have the final word on this bit

I’ll let this lil Brady have the final word on this bit

A Bershite victory might also give hope to Mr. Federer’s fans of him still being able to secure the Number 1 year-end ranking. I, however, do not think this is likely nor am I so gun-ho about him dethroning Djoker just yet. I rather Mr. Federer win this title nonetheless, Davis Cup and also Australian Open next year and be number 1. I am not being too greedy am I? Anyway, the other matchup is Stanley v Chin Cilic. If Stanley wins, he qualifies for the semifinals and depending on how badly he loses, he might still qualify as we all know that Berdshite is not going to beat Djoker.

This is what Berdshite things of his chances

This is what Berdshite thinks of his chances against Djokovic

And his girlfriend? She's checking for a pulse because she's dead

And his girlfriend, Esther? She’s checking for a pulse because she’s dead

Group B, on their first outing on Sunday provided more significant level of tennis as Mr. Federer (2) dismissed Raonic (7) 6-1 7-6(0) and Kei Horsikori (4) took out Lochness Monster (5) 6-4 6-4. The British fans were beside themselves with this result but seriously, Nessie played so much tennis leading up to this tournament that he barely had much leg to stand on. He provided far better account of himself v Raonic with a 6-3 7-5 victory. Like I said, Raonic is a dodgy player. He got skills save for that Venus Williams 2nd serve but when he is under the pressure moments, he gets flustered and comes up flat. He really needs to step his game up as well as that 2nd serve. That thing is a liability for him and a virtual asset for his opponents. He had the momentum in the 2nd set to at least take it but he kept on faltering and allowed Lochness and Mr. Federer to get away with murder. Against Mr. Federer in the opening round match, he did not win a single point in the tiebreaker and at one point he had set point in the 2nd set. Verses Lochness Monster, he allowed several 0-30 leads to disappear with careless shots. He deserves to have won a match here. He definitely played some decent tennis particularly in the 2nd sets of his matches but then again, tennis tournament are not charity events. You get nothing for free! You want a win, you work for that win!

Yeah Raonic made it to his 1st YEC like fellow Canadian Genie Bouchard and like her he won zero matches and zero sets

Yeah Raonic made it to his 1st YEC like fellow Canadian Genie Bouchard and like her, he won zero matches and zero sets

On Day 5 of the championships, Milos pulled out citing some kinda injury that I hardly cared about to even note. #GurlBye! 1st Alternate, David Ferrer showed up to take his spot against Horsikori. Now you know how I feel about these Spaniards mucking up tournaments. However, surprise! Surprise! The understudy for the show, walked away with the top awards. Yes fanz, Fake Fire Ferrer provided us with the 1st 3-setter of the tournament and this took place on Day 5. He took the 1st set 6-4 after Horsikori stumbled whilst leading 4-3, serving for a 5-3 lead I think. He then lost his way completely and Ferrer jumped all over this opportunity to take the set. In the 2nd, Kei got his life together by breaking in the opening game and maintained this lead all the way home. He took it 6-4 and in the 3rd set, he just increased the intensity handing out another breadstick set in this Olive Garden World Tour Finals; 4-6 6-4 6-1 Kei.

Horsikori making it through to the semifinal stage at his 1st YEC

Horsikori made it through to the semifinal stage at his 1st YEC! GREAT JOB!

Sir Roger out here slaying monsters, ogres, beasts and trolls

Sir Roger out here slaying monsters, ogres, beasts and trolls

Mr. Federer simply slaughtered Lochness Monster like some valiant knight facing a baby ogre. It was embarrassing and as one commentator, Annabelle Croft noted, “It was humiliating” especially in front of his home crowd. 6-0 6-1 Mr. Federer. He just barely escaped a double bagel thrashing. Lochness Monster did absolutely nothing out there. Mr. Federer were throwing down 2nd serves like this was the WTA. He only got 38% of his 1st serves in but when he did, he won all those points. Meanwhile, Monster was serving better by way of getting his 1st serves in but he only won 36% of those points and 39% on his 2nd serve. Nessie was stuck in no-gear because he got no traction at all in the match.

Lochness Monster was not having a good day at the office at all

Lochness Monster was not having a good day at the office at all

After being down 0-6 0-5, he finally dug deep to get himself on the board to take the bagel and the breadstick scoreline. Like I said at the beginning of this tournament, Lochness Monster played nearly 6 straight weeks of tennis in order to qualify but showed up both mentally and physically exhausted. This last match showed his gas tank on Empty. He had nothing to give. He has not won a match against Djoker, Divadal or Mr. Federer all year long. Hopefully his 2015 is better. More than likely he will dump Amelie but I think this is hardly her fault but when in doubt blame the woman and blame the French. Poor Amelie, she tried but Lochness Monster is not ready to accept harsh truths and real discipline.

OMG! Roger is playing AMAZING. He is kicking this guy's ass

OMG! Roger is playing AMAZING. He is kicking this guy’s ass. This is a hilarious match

Who is he playing?

Who is he playing?

Wait what? WTF? WTMFF? He's treating my man Andy like this?

Wait who? Andy? Andy Roddick? Ain’t he retire? No wait you meant Andy Murray? WTF? WTMFF? He’s treating my man like this?

This shit ain't funny no more! Where the hell is Mirka? I am about to cut a bitch

This shit ain’t funny no more! Where the hell is Mirka? I’m about to cut a bitch

I am confused. What's going on with the scoreboard?

I am confused. What’s going on with the scoreboard?

It says 0 1 next to Andy's name and 6 6 for Roger. Does it mean Andy's in number is Britain and Roger is 66 years old?

It says 0 1 next to Andy’s name and 6 6 for Roger. Does it mean Andy’s number 1 in Britain and Roger’s the Swiss Devil?

No it means he got a bagel and a breadstick. What? It's tea-time? This match started at 8. Who eats bagel for dinner? Scottish people do.

                               No Pippa, it means he got a bagel and a breadstick. He played shit out there.                                                                   What? It’s tea-time? This match started at 8pm. Who eats bagels for dinner?                                         Scottish people do.

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Mr. Federer after his Lochness Monster match!

Today Djoker simply put the finishing touches on this wonderful year. He won Wimbledon over Mr. Federer, he had a baby boy named Stefan, he got married of course and he ended the year as Number 1 yet again for the 3rd time in his career if I am not mistaken. He dispatched for Berdshite 6-2 6-2.

I think this caption says everything that needs to be said!

I think this caption says everything that needs to be said!

Djoker will face Kei in the semifinals on Saturday in an effort to avenge his US Open semifinal loss back in September. Should be an interesting match as Kei seems to be the only other player besides Mr. Federer and Djoker who seems to be able to make something of this “tar pit” they call a court. This thing is ridiculously slow, even Mr. Federer is noting how near impossible it is to hold serve. Meanwhile he has yet to be broken in all three of his matches here. Mr. Federer are you trying to be a shady bitch up in here? One of the reasons I think he and Djoker are enjoying so much success on this court is not only their talent and awesome game variety but the fact that they are more experience. They have played a lot of matches here in the O2 Arena and they are such students of the game, they know exactly where to be for certain shots. They know what they can get away with. Also their games are not built on sheer power which is what is the foundation for most of the other players. Kei brings a great variety to his game and so he too is having good success. I think he has the most winners of all players here. Anyway, Mr. Federer had to await the winner of the Chin Cilic v Stanley match. Stanley denied Chin Cilic a win here by beating him 6-3 4-6 6-3. Chin Cilic succeeded by at least winning a set here because prior to this match, he only won 6 games total. However, in this match, he finally strung 6 games together to take a set but he could not do the same thing for another set. Mr. Federer will face his compatriot in the semifinals. Hopefully can get two more wins here in London and take his 7th YEC title!

See the set up below of Saturday’s Semifinals play

Matches on The O2 Arena
Stage Winner Loser Score
Doubles – Semifinals  Ivan Dodig (CRO) /  Marcelo Melo (BRA) [7] vs.
 Łukasz Kubot (POL) /  Robert Lindstedt (SWE) [8]
Singles – Semifinals  Novak Djokovic (SRB) [1] vs.  Kei Nishikori (JPN) [4]
Doubles – Semifinals  Bob Bryan (USA) /  Mike Bryan (USA) [1] vs.
 Julien Benneteau (FRA) /  Édouard Roger-Vasselin (FRA) [4]
Singles – Semifinals  Roger Federer (SUI) [2] vs.  Stanislas Wawrinka (SUI) [3]

Yeah we cannot forget the Doubles people. Here are the semifinalists who also came through Round Robin play

Ivan Dodig (CRO) /  Marcelo Melo (BRA)

Ivan Dodig (CRO) / Marcelo Melo (BRA)

 Łukasz Kubot (POL) /  Robert Lindstedt (SWE)

Łukasz Kubot (POL) / Robert Lindstedt (SWE)

Bob Bryan (USA) /  Mike Bryan (USA)

Bob Bryan (USA) / Mike Bryan (USA)

 Julien Benneteau (FRA) /  Édouard Roger-Vasselin

Julien Benneteau (FRA) / Édouard Roger-Vasselin

Meanwhile in other bits and pieces around the O2 Arena

Meanwhile One Direction is at O2 Arena. Why? I am not sure.

Meanwhile One Direction is at O2 Arena. Why? I am not sure.

Closest Stanley going to ever get to this trophy unless he's at Mr. Federer's house

Closest Stanley going to ever get to this trophy unless he’s at Mr. Federer’s house

Sweet Jojoba! Divadal is in town! Praise him

Sweet Jojoba! Divadal is in town! Praise him

Me muy bien better now

Me muy bien better now

I'm here trying to figure out how you say you getting your appendix taken out then you come tell me you getting stem cells on back and you here in London with new hair and without crutches or back brace?

I’m here trying to figure out how you say you getting your appendix taken out; you took pictures for that, then you said you getting stem cells on back; you provided no pictures for that and you now here in London with new hair and without crutches or back brace?

OMG! Miracles do happen when you believe

OMG! Miracles do happen when you believe

Gurl, that ain't no miracle or modern medical science. That is some straight up magic

Gurl, that ain’t no miracle or modern medical science. That is some straight up magic

The Bryan Brothers getting more awards for being the fans favourites and ending another year yet again being the No. 1 Doubles teams

The Bryan Brothers getting more awards for being the fans favourites and ending another year yet again being the No. 1 Doubles teams

Mr. Federer joining in the award ceremony winning fan favourite and fair play awards

Mr. Federer joining in the award ceremony winning fan favourite and fair play awards

This is Borna Coric and we are definitely looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and every other day there after

This is Borna Coric and we are definitely looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and every other day there after

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  1. Haha, enjoyed reading this. Thanks for the laughs 😛

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