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2015 Australian Open: Day 7 and 8 The Rounds of 16s

In Uncategorized on January 30, 2015 at 11:06 pm
The Aussie Open in the outback??

The Aussie Open in the outback??

Day 7 and Day 8 saw the completion of the entire round of 16 matches. All 16 matches; 8 on the women’s side and 8 on the men’s, were seen on court resulting in the draw finally being in the business end of the tournament: The quarterfinals then semis and finally the final. It is amazing how quickly these two weeks have passed and we are now down to so few players. We had 256 players in the singles draw last Sunday/Monday. Now we are down to 16 after the completion of these two days play.

Let us deal with the women’s:

Genie gurl, we have to put all of this in a bottle and never let it out. We can do better!!!

Genie gurl, we have to put all of this in a bottle and never let it out. We can do better!!!

On Day 7, the bottom half played. Bouchard (7) took on Irina-Camelia Begu and was in dominant fashion having taken the 1st set 6-1 and breaks up in the 2nd. However, she lost her way and allowed Begu back into the match. Begu did not hesitate to take the 2nd 7-5 and forced a 3rd set. Well as she noted after the match, Bouchard went to the bathroom and had a conversation with herself in the mirror, “Genie this is unacceptable!” The Canadian got her life together and took the decisive set and the match 6-1 5-7 6-2. She is through to her 2nd straight Aussie Open quarterfinals. Her opponent, Martha Shriekapova (2) had an easy time against the soft hitting Chinese player, Shuai Peng (21). Peng was merely giving Martha a light practice out on court. She really could do nothing to hurt the Russian in the least. Martha did everything better and it showed as Martha took the match 6-3 6-0.

I got no time for these extras and wenches! I am coming for the Aussie Open crown

I got no time for these extras and wenches! I am coming for the Aussie Open crown

Another Russian who had an easy time of her opponent was Ekaterina Makarova who played Julia Goerges. It was clear that the German was going to be in a lot of trouble against the Russian. First off, Goerges was further in this tournament that she really had a right to be. She has not been in situations like this in a long time and her mental shortcomings have been well documented. Makarova was all over her and got the early leads in the both sets. However, she could not close them out on her serve. That hardly mattered as her lead was so much that she was able to break Goerges on the next game to close it out, 6-3 6-2. Halep (3) will play Makarova in the quarterfinal as the Romanian took out Belgian Yanina Wickmayer. Wickmayer won their previous encounter but this time around, Halep came out ready for her. Halep won 6-4 6-2 and in her 2nd straight Aussie Open quarterfinal.

It looks like she's wearing a tshirt and a handtowel

It looks like she’s wearing a tshirt and a handtowel

The Round of 16 matches on the following day were far more interesting and intriguing on the women side. First up Cibuttkova took on Vickie who is saying that her name is Vika and not Vickie; a lot of people have now taken to call her Vicky/Vickie. Remember you heard it here first peoplez. It was REALZ who started to call her Vickie first! Anyway, gurl, this is RealzTenisFanz, you just have to deal with the name change. Everyone has made the necessary adjustments in their minds and you should be no different. You are just lucky that I generally like you and not shade you with a name like “Red’s Fool” but good thing you dumped that mofo. Anyway, so Vickie was up against Cibuttkova and Vickie started off WELL with a 2-0 lead. However, I am not sure what happened but Cibuttkova worked her way back into the match point by point and reeled off 6-straight game to take the opening set 6-2.

Cibuttkova was swinging left right and centre v Vickie

Cibuttkova was swinging left right and centre v Vickie

This was very impressive bit of tennis because Vickie was looking to boss the point around and take control of the baseline. However, Cibuttkova’s forehand was on like a boiled corn. She was hitting that thing hard and deep, forcing Vickie back in the trenches where she is prone to be more erratic. In the 2nd set, Vickie again started off with a break and this time, she made the necessary adjustments and put Cittbukova on the defensive. She began controlling the rallies and winning the points for her efforts. She took the 2nd set 6-3. In the 3rd set, she again started off with a break but as in the 1st set, she was unable to the lead. Cibuttkova continued to be solid and consistent from the back of the court and making some excellent shots. She would break Vickie one more time and take the match 6-2 3-6 6-3. She too was heading to her 2nd straight Aussie Open quarterfinals.

I must be dreaming!!

I must be dreaming!!

WOW the difference in stature is remarkable!

WOW the difference in stature is remarkable! The bigger they are, the harder they fall

Another big match of the day was Serena taking on Garbine Muguruza (24), the woman who took her out of the French Open last year. This match was heavily built up and one can see why. Muguruza was outplaying  Serena in that 1st set. She was no typical Spanish player willing to grind out a point. Nope Muggy is all about going for her shots and quick 1-2-3 punches. However, in the 2nd set, after taking the 1st set 6-2, Serena turned on the heat. She got her life together and began playing her shots and taking advantages of the MANY BREAK POINT CHANCES she had. There were so many. She took the 2nd set 6-3 and in the 3rd set, Muggy was just DONE! She could not keep up and was looking dusted on points. Serena took it 2-6 6-3 6-2. See Muggy only have strength for Serena but struggles elsewhere yet I think she has the capability of being a top 10 player in the future. But she is well off the plot if she cannot maintain her intensity and play in big matches like this.

Like you really thought you were going to beat me a 2nd time at a major? LOL #Gurlbye

Like you really thought you were going to beat me a 2nd time at a major? LOL #Gurlbye

Another American Madison Keys took on a fellow American Madison Brengle for a place in what would be the first major quarterfinal for either player. And again Keys is showing herself to be very impressive in these big matches. She really handled herself very well again Dellacqua in the 3rd round and now in the 4th round, she kept at it. She took out Brengle 6-2 6-4. She held her mental composure together well in the 2nd set when it became apparent that Brengle was finding her range again. It is very good to see young American talent burgeoning. Keys’ name has been up there for a while and now under the tutelage of Lindsay Davenport, 2000 champion here in Melbourne, she is finally showing great signs of things to come. HOWEVER, time will truly tell. There have been A LOT of players who the same can be said and they have not panned out to this day. But good luck to Keys. However, I wish her luck to run out at this point because she would be facing my main gurl Venus Ebony Starr Williams aka Granny Vee in the quarters.

Madison Keys has found the key to success here in Melbourne so far

Madison Keys has found the key to success here in Melbourne so far

The match du jour had to be Aga v Granny Vee and it was a great win for the American. She came out strong and took the 1st set 6-3. Aga was playing into her hands going for rallies instead of mixing up the shots. Vee was able to stand toe-to-toe with Aga and dictate the terms of the match. In the 2nd set, Granny Vee had to catch her breathe. She got broken early and then got broken again giving Aga the edge. The Pole took the set 6-2 and we all thought that Granny Vee was going to go home. She had a great run nonetheless. Again we lost faith in the legend. It did not help matters that in the 3rd set, she got broken to open the set. Never give up on your champions because Granny Vee Ebony Starr came back to win 6 straight game and take the match 6-3 2-6 6-1. She is back in a major quarterfinals, first time since 2010 US Open. AMAZING.

SHE WASN'T READYYYYY!!

SHE WASN’T READYYYYY!!

Ebony Starr is shining BRIGHTLIKE A DIAMOND

Ebony Starr is shining BRIGHTLIKE A DIAMOND

So the Ladies Quarterfinals are set:

  • Martha Shriekapova (2) v Genie Bouchard (7)
  • Koolaide Halep (1) v Makarova (10)
  • Serenanator (1) v Cibuttkova (11)
  • Granny Vee (18) v Madison Keys
Divadal is so far en pointe at the Aussie Open

Divadal is so far en pointe at the Aussie Open

On the men’s side there was really nothing of consequence to talk about per se. Divadal (3) took on Kevin Anderson (14) and of course he won in straight sets 7-5 6-1 6-4. I mean Anderson cannot even beat Berdych so I cannot imagine that Anderson felt he even had a chance against the likes o Divadal. I am surprised that he even won 5 games in a one set. Nonetheless he did really well for himself to get this far. Up next for Divadal would be the mercurial Tomas Berdych (7) aka Lurch aka Berdshite and soon to be Mr. Satorova (he’s engaged you all) He took on Australia’s Bernard Tomic and again he has showed himself to be in good shape at this event. He got through comfortably 6-2 7-6 6-2. So far I have been really impressed by the Czech and I do not even think he has dropped a set just yet.

Berdych is finding fine form here in Melbourne

Berdych is finding fine form here in Melbourne. Seems like he got his mind, body and game to all work together AS ONE AT THE SAME TIME. Meanwhile, Berdych, I am not seeing any package in your nest. Are you tucking? Are you a grower because you certainly not a shower?

The other two men’s match on this day (Day 7) were far more exciting. Dimitrov was taking on Lochness Murray, the guy who he dismantled at last year’s Australian Open. They split the first two sets but it was surprisingly Lochness Murray who came through in 4 sets, 6-4 6-7 6-3 7-5. I was really surprised because I expected Dimitrov to show more effort but I think he got tired after wasting all the time in the 3rd round v Baghdatis. He had no business at all being in a 5 setter with that scrub. Nonetheless, I would admit that Dimitrov had been looking rather sluggish on court but I figured that that was just his way of conserving energy after he got crushed in Brisbane by Mr. Federer 6-2 6-2.

Lochness Monster is making Melbourne Magic

Lochness Monster is making Melbourne Magic

Lochness Murray would face the lone Aussie left in the draw, Nick Kyrgios aka Kripsy Kringles who faced the man who knocked out Mr. Federer, Andreas Seppi. Seppi took control of the match like he did against Federer from the start. Seppi was up 2-0 sets 7-5 6-4 but I guess the crowd got in his face and he was unable to convert on the match point. Sometimes in tennis, when you blink, you never see straight again. Kyrgios took the match 5-7 4-6 6-3 7-6 8-6. He is through to his first major quarterfinals if I am not mistaken … wait perhaps he got through to Wimbledon’s quarterfinal. Yeah he did, he beat Divadal in the 4th round. How could I have forgotten that? He then lost to Milos if I am not mistaken.  Anyway he is through to his first quarterfinal at his home slam.

Of course Seppi went home in the next round!

Of course Seppi went home in the next round! You’re cute but you GET ZERO sympathy from me as you beat Mr. Federer

The following day for the men’s Round of 16, we had the top half in action and I have to say that I was particularly pleased with a few of the players. Let me first say that Kei Horsikori (5) has taken my advice and decided that quick and efficient is the way to go when it comes to majors. He dismissed Fake Fire Ferrer (9) in straight sets 6-3 6-3 6-3. I cannot ask for a more solid and/or quicker match from the Japanese. Hopefully this spurs him on to greater things here. His opponent would be Stanley (4) whom he took out back in NYC at the US Open in the quarters.  Now it was Stanley’s turn to disappoint me. He has been merrily going along is way here in Melbourne. However, it was Guillermo Garcia-Lopez who was playing the impressive tennis. He was giving Stanley drama on the court. Stanley’s life kept getting complicated and he could not deal for a moment. After taking the first 2 sets 7-6 6-4 with momentum shifting back and forth, Stanley got outplayed in the 3rd set. Garcia-Lopez finally got things together to take the 3rd set 6-4. In the fourth set, they were both playing well so a tiebreaker was needed to decide things. GL was up 6-1 only to let Stanley back into the match to take it. Stanley took it 7-6 6-4 4-6 7-6.

Djoker is still the man to beat here!

Djoker is still the man to beat here!

Djoker (1) was very solid against the hard serving Luxembourger Gilles Muller. Djoker stayed very solid until the crucial later stages of the match and pounced on his opponent. Djoker is through to another quarterfinals here 6-4 7-5 7-5. He will take on Milos Raonic (8) who had his hands full with FeFe Lopez (12) who it looks like is trying to get back his career in the top brackets of the game. He forced it to a 5th set but unfortunately came up short 4-6 6-4 3-6 7-6 3-6. Milos is back into the quarterfinals of the Aussie Open for the 2nd straight year.

FeFe Lopez yet again so close but yet so far from a great major run

FeFe Lopez yet again so close but yet so far from a great major run

Men’s Quarterfinals:

  • Stanley (4) v Kei (5)
  • Djoker (1) v Raonic (8)
  • Divadal (3) v Berdych (7)
  • Lochness Murray (6) v Nick Kyrgios

 THE BIG PICTURE SHOW

This hair part is so EPIC. Meanwhile, Milos is giving me a lot of cuteness right now

This hair part is so EPIC. Meanwhile, Milos is giving me a lot of cuteness right now

Milos is getting featured today

Milos is getting featured today

Even in black and white, Milos is looking cute

Even in black and white, Milos is looking cute

NO you cannot stalk me and NO you cannot have my number

NO you cannot stalk me and NO you cannot have my number

Guillermo Garcia-Lopez can get it

Guillermo Garcia-Lopez can get it

He has a big mouth and loves beef :-)

He has a big mouth and loves beef 🙂

Berdych showing off his body! Meanwhile the lineguy is getting self conscious sucking in his stomach

Berdych showing off his body! Meanwhile the lineguy is getting self conscious sucking in his stomach

Tampomic is showing off

Tampomic is showing off

In case you need to towel off

In case you need to towel off

Thomas Johansson won Aussie Open back in 2002 . Yeah over Safin. Meanwhile, I can't explain what's with this new look

Thomas Johansson won Aussie Open back in 2002 . Yeah over Safin. Meanwhile, I can’t explain what’s with this new look

See I like Kuzi-Rex it is tiedye that I have an issue with. See my philosophy about tiedye is for it to be tie up some place and to die

See I like Kuzi-Rex it is tiedye that I have an issue with. See my philosophy about tiedye is for it to be tie up some place and to die

#icant with this horrid outfit

#icant with this horrid outfit

En garde!

En garde!

As always Kei is stylish in his shotmaking ability

As always Kei is stylish in his shotmaking ability

D for Djoker

D for Djoker

D for Defence

D for Defence

Granny Vee's hair is flowing and moving!!

Granny Vee’s hair is flowing and moving!!

Is that a zit on my chin?

Is that a zit on my chin?

I've fallen and I can't get up

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

Wait, the cat is trying to get out of the bag ...

Wait, the cat is trying to get out of the bag …

He's all about getting her attention with his big sign

He’s all about getting her attention with his big sign

Serena is all "emotionable" by his gesture

Serena is all “emotionable” by his gesture

Plain Jane

Plain Jane

sadas

sadas

Rugged Rose

Rugged Rose

Festive kids

Festive kids

Djoker doing anything to get some attention out there

Djoker doing anything to get some attention out there

We got our pocketbooks in case of any emergencies

We got our pocketbooks in case of any emergencies

What are you hitting at?

What are you hitting at?

Garbine kiss my @$$

Garbine kiss my @$$

Why are you do rude to me Serena?

Why are you do rude to me Serena?

#gurlbye

#gurlbye

Is Rod Laver alive?

Is Rod Laver alive?

I mean check his pulse ...

I mean check his pulse …

Why is being dragged out to Melbourne every year?

Why is being dragged out to Melbourne every year?

Rod Laver and evil queen Margaret Court

Rod Laver and evil queen Margaret Court

Someone check her blood sugar ... ain't no way you're suppose to be eating ice cream with that mean look on your face

Someone check her blood sugar … ain’t no way you’re suppose to be eating ice cream with that mean look on your face

I hope that's liquid Rogaine in that bottle

I hope that’s liquid Rogaine in that bottle

Divadal this is a mess. You were out for months. You should get this dealt with promptly

Divadal this is a mess. You were out for months. You should get this dealt with promptly

It might not look it but there is something rude and suggestive about this photo ... you have an open mouth, two balls in hand and an extended middle finger

It might not look it but there is something rude and suggestive about this photo … you have an open mouth, two balls in hand and an extended middle finger

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My rant… in stats

In Uncategorized on January 30, 2015 at 2:14 pm

Least we FORGET HOW GREAT Mr. Federer is and was!! This is by “RogerFedererFan” and despite our shared admiration for Mr. Federer, it is without a doubt that it is pure undiluted truth in this post right here!! This is RealzTenisFanz approved!

rogerfedererfan

As we know by now, Roger Federer lost in the third round of the Australian Open. I don’t like to write about losses so I figured I would come back to the blog when I finally had something else to talk about. But then came the deluge of stats all over the media: of streaks getting broken, measurements of his failure and indicators of his fall from grace. So I decided I had enough of this nonsense and compiled my own list of stats and records that ‘measure’ Roger Federer, as of his latest matches in Australia in 2015. Here we go!

  • 2f_federer_08222012_005-2Roger holds the record for most Grand Slam titles (17), most Grand Slams finals (25), SFs (36) and QFs (43) and NONE of these records will get crossed in 2015. The closest active players are Nadal for total Grand Slam titles (14) and finals (20), while Djokovic is…

View original post 971 more words

2015 Australian Open: Day 6 The Day of Reckoning!

In Uncategorized on January 28, 2015 at 9:06 pm

gq4de

So Day 6 had arrived and we had the day of reckoning; Granny Vee v Camila Giorgi! I mean this was the marquee match of the day and they had it up first on the stadium. I was into this match not because I am a huge Venus fan but because I know there was very much the possibility for Venus to lose this match after all that smart talking I was doing with those memes. I know Venus is capable of playing like the former No.1 she is and then also act like she barely know what to do with a tennis racquet on court.

gq4f5

Well it was the latter Venus who showed up to play Giorgi. Venus was just not doing anything with theSo Day 6 had arrived and we had the day of reckoning; Granny Vee v Camila Giorgi! I mean this was the marquee match of the day and they had it up first on the stadium. I was into this match not because I am a huge Venus fan but because I know there was very much the possibility for Venus to lose this match after all that smart talking  with doing with those memes. I know Venus is capable of playing like the former No.1 she is and then also act like she barely know what to do with a tennis racquet on court. ball of much consequence. She was playing on the backfoot and at times, it seemed as though she was playing on backfeet and on her hands as well. She was well off on her shots. However, that is not to say that Giorgi was not playing well because she was! She was playing amazing tennis! In fact it seemed as though despite her diminutive stature, she can wail on the ball. She was playing the type of tennis that was very much the norm back in the early 2000’s “Big Babe Tennis” She was the one rushing the net, getting the forehand well measured on the line and serving up a storm. It was Venus’s game plan being employed against her.

Giorgi is now wearing a bandana as a dress. She ain't about that life at all

Giorgi is now wearing a bandana as a dress. She ain’t about that life at all

However, Granny Vee was patient and as she would later say, “This old cat still has some tricks in her bag.” She was on the brink of defeat as Giorgi served for the match. Even I had given up hope of her winning the match. Giorgi was up 3-5 and then Venus steadied herself like her former self; Vintage Venus. Venus reeled off 4 straight games to now put Camila on the back foot. Camila was able to save a set point and pushed the 2nd set to a tiebreaker. It was do or die for Granny Vee and I swear, I really expected her to wither. I cannot begin to tell you how many tiebreakers or as I like to call them, heartbreakers I have seen Granny Vee just been destroyed. US Open 2014 3rd round v Sara Errani. Yes that match and here we are again with another Italian in the 3rd round of a major and Granny Vee is again up against the ropes.

Hold my towel for a minute while I go deal with this itch!

Hold my towel for a minute while I go deal with this itch!

The tennis gods hear my prayers and they delivered. Ebony Starr shone bright like a diamond and raced ahead in the break to take it 7-3 points. A 3rd and decisive set was on needed. In this set, Vintage Venus was on full display. She made formidable tennis throughout the entire 3rd set and Giorgi was left wondering who the hell is this woman and where the hell was she all match long. It must have been a bitter pill to swallow as she could get no chance to boss the points around. Her serve was her great undoing as she had 16 double faults total for the match. Venus was relentless in the 3rd set and her effort paid off as she closed the match 4-6 7-6 6-1.

You like that breadstick in the 3rd set?

You like that breadstick in the 3rd set?

gq4om

Up next for the veteran is the newly reformed Aga Bratzwanka who now until the tutelage of Martina. Aga has been rolling through throw this draw thus like a boulder down a hill. She is picking up speed and crushing everything in her path. She has played three matches and in each of them, baked up a bagel for her opponents. She delivered the 3rd of those bagels to Varvare Lepchenko 6-0 7-5. Victoria Azarenka followed up her impressive 2nd round win to beat Barbora Zahlavova-Styrcova (25) 6-4 6-4. She will take on Dominika Cibuttkova (11) who knocked out Lordlize Cornemort (19) 7-5 6-2. Garbine Muguruza (24) took on Timea Bacsinszky and showed herself to be in great form these championships. She won 6-3 4-6 6-0. She will next face Serena whom she took out in straight sets 6-2 6-2 at the French Open last year.

Serenanator in action

Serenanator in action

Serena had a toughish time against Elena Svitolina (26) who is also looking to be playing in great form this tournament. Svitolina came out on fire v Serena in the opening set. She was not missing a thing and Serena was forced on her backfoot. She was out of position for all her shots and making errors galore. She dropped the set 4-6. However, knowing Serena, she takes these lapses in concentration in stride. In the 2nd and 3rd sets it was all Serena and Svitolina was nowhere to be found. Serena took it 4-6 6-2 6-0. Two other Americans would join the Williams sisters in the Round of 16; Madison Keys and Madison Brengle. Keys scored the big upset of the day when she knocked out Petra Kvitova (4) 6-4 7-5 and Brengle took out another American CoCo Vandeweghe 6-3 6-2. It is rather a disappointment result for Petra because I really thought she was going to make something of this run here in Melbourne and at least make the quarters if nothing at all. Alas Petra will only play well on the grass of Wimbledon.

Keys letting Petra know she's thankful for the free match

Keys letting Petra know she’s thankful for the free match

Well after Day 5’s titanic upset, Day 6 proved to be very somber. There was no drama unless you count Kei Horsikori playing for the Dodge City Tennis Team. This frigger seems to think that it is okay to be dropping random sets to scrubs. It is as though he is incapable of playing a complete match from start to finish. This time, he gave American Steve Johnson the 1st set 6-7 and then for the rest of the match, it was back being Horsikori who is ranked 5 in the world playing a guy who is ranked who knows and who cares in the world. Horsikori through 6-7 6-1 6-2 6-3. This sorta time wasting tactic will not bode well for him in the latter half of this tournament; if he even get there.

Fake Fire Ferrer is still around!

Fake Fire Ferrer is still around!

Djoker (1), Stanley (4) and Milos (8) were all showing themselves in impeccable form as they made it through their 3rd round match in straight sets. Djoker took out Tabasco Verdasco (31) 7-6 6-2 6-4 and Stanley took out Jarkko Nieminen 6-4 6-2 6-4. These top guys were not the only ones with straight set victories. FeFe Lopez (12) took care of Jerzy Janowicz 7-6 6-4 7-6 and Guermillo Garcia-Lopez aka GGL won over a physically struggling Vasek Popiscle 6-2 6-4 6-2.  A resurgent Gilles Muller has found some fine form again and made it through to the Round of 16 of a major as knocked out Mountain Troll BFG Isner (19) 7-6 7-6 6-4. Ferrer (9) also won but he needed 4 sets to get by Gilles Simon (19) 6-2 7-5 5-7 7-6 to set up a date with Horsikori in the 4th round.  Djoker will play Muller for a place in the quarterfinals, Stanley will play GGL and FeFe Lopez will play Raonic. Should be some exciting contests coming up! 

Andreas Seppi

Andreas Seppi

Cleans up really nice ... are you stalking me?

Cleans up really nice … are you stalking me?

I got a big mouth

I got a big mouth

Nice but I am do better

Nice but I can do better

Jarkko is HOTNESS all cleaned up

Jarkko is HOTNESS all cleaned up

And he has a BIG MOUTH TOO

And he has a BIG MOUTH TOO

Doesn't Novak resemble ...(see below)?

Doesn’t Novak resemble …(see below)?

Underdog!!!

Underdog!!!

Don't know who he but we would love to know him particularly in the biblical sense

Don’t know who he but we would love to know him particularly in the biblical sense

Lepchenko ... NNOOOO

Lepchenko … NNOOOO

HELLZ NO you show up to a match looking like this

HELLZ NO you show up to a match looking like this

I mean what the hell is this photo op about? Seriously Aussie Open?

I mean what the hell is this photo op about? Seriously Aussie Open?

Meanwhile Milos is showing us he can do it all the same without a partner

Meanwhile Milos is showing us he can do it all the same without a partner

But can I still get the girl?

But can I still get the girl?

The ball was in right there ...

The ball was in right there …

Is this what you call in?

Is this what you call in? Bitch you blind or you’re playing doubles by yourself?

Hahahah you beat me? Ridiculous

Hahahah you beat me? Ridiculous

WTF?? She beat me

WTF?? She beat me

Hey ladies ...

Hey gurls …Guess what time it is? GAYNESIA TIME

sdfsd

This is what happens when too much testosterone and liquor are in the same place … Gaynesia

The Smurfs are in Melbourne it seems

The Smurfs are in Melbourne it seems

Jelena, you best check your man because this side chick is coming for him

Jelena, you best check your man because this side chick is coming for him

I am DONE! I am just going to sit here and be over this shit right now

I am DONE! I am just going to sit here and be over with this shit right now

I hope no one smelled that one ... that was too much even for me

I hope no one used that last stall! WOW … that was too much even for me MUY MUY MUY MAS

So we are really good at Wii tennis ... soo

So we are really good at Wii tennis … soo

So we are going to try the real thing

So we are going to try the real thing

I was hoping we would take care of my eyebrows but she said she's not a miracle worker and just did my nails

I was hoping we would take care of my eyebrows but she said she’s not a miracle worker and just did my nails

(c) 2015 CRH

2015 Australian Open Day 5: You don’t come for Granny Vee!

In Uncategorized on January 27, 2015 at 7:09 pm

So Day 5 happened and boy am I still in shock! The only reason why I am still alive right now is because Day 6 happened but let us not get too ahead of ourselves.

This may or may not be an accurate depiction of me after Day 5 of this Aussie Open

This may or may not be an accurate depiction of me after Day 5 of this Aussie Open

So before the action of Day 5 even got under way, the Twitter world was fire when it was tweeted that Camila Giorgi who was set to play Granny Vee Venus Ebony Starr Williams in the 3rd round had ALLEGEDLY said when asked about Venus Williams, “I don’t know her!” Come again? Thot what? To add insult to injury, Camila allegedly added, “I only watched Sampras and Agassi back then!” Twitter lost its gaddam mind over this shite. I found it hilarious and added my 2 cents … actually I added way more than that to the pool. It was about a dollar and some change. However, before I get to how I spent my money I wanted to address the specifics of Giorgi’s shade because if this is all true and she did say this, though I have yet to uncover any validity to the “Twitter Testimony”, we have to address it. It cannot go unchecked at all!

First off, Giorgi is about 22 years old if I am not mistaken. Keep that in mind. In her alleged comments about not knowing Venus Williams and only being familiar with (Pete) Sampras and (Andre) Agassi, she did two things there. (I have to admit that this was quality shade! You gotta give credit where credit is due! She came to field with some good shite. She got A grade stuff) Anywho, so what Giorgi did was 1) Diss Venus on her age and 2) Diss her on her relevance. Speaking from a pre-match hype perspective, she is really doing well to set the stage for drama. For a weaker player, this would have been near mental nuclear bomb. However, this is Granny Vee we are talking about; she ain’t bothered! WTA Wenches do not bother her in the least.

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So Giorgi went after Venus’s age. When Granny Vee was 22, she was not only winning major matches CONSISTENTLY, she was number 1 in the world if I am not mistaken. She had 4 major titles and 2 Olympic gold medals. When Venus showed up at the US Open for the first time at age 17, she made it to the final on debut. She was no one-hit wonder either because she was making it consistently to the 2nd week of majors. She was winning other important titles too. She won her first two majors at 20. So Camila gurl what have you done in your 22 years of feeble existence? Silence* Crickets chirping* Just like I suspected, Nothing! And the crickets know it too. Now, don’t cry because that is just going to cheapen the whole thing and make me look like a bully when you were the one who started this. I am just going to be the one to finish it. You came out swinging in the Shady Pines Tournament. This is what it is really like in the big leagues of ShadyVille! The library is open boo and you are about to get read!

the library is open - read

And no I am not done! So back in 2002 when Pete Sampras played his LAST PROFESSIONAL match when you were about 9 or 10, he played it at the US Open beating Agassi in the final. But do you know who was in the women’s finals that year? Yeah you guessed it, the defending champion Venus Williams v Serena Williams, her younger sister. Back in 2000-2003, Venus and her sister put women’s tennis back on the map and have been the ones doing so till now. See the brand of tennis coverage that people get when it is not about the Williams Sisters is not about tennis at all. It is all about superficial stuff like glitz and glamour etc. I think that is the strategy your mama is taking by dressing you in Sailor Moon shorts. (Your mama is fair game since your papa put his mouth into the fray saying, you’re better than Venus! Papa please! Have a seat … have several in fact!)

The Sisters were doing it for themselves and for you too!!

The Sisters weren’t just doing it for themselves BUT for you too!!

But again I digress. Before there was Divadal, Mr. Federer, Djoker, Lochness Murray, Shriekapova and Azarenka, there was Venus and then Serena! They are the reason you get equal prize money at most tournaments, particularly Venus. So when you say, you don’t know Venus, you not just being shady, you are being downright disrespectful and you have to be checked. And I am the one to check you! But then again, if we are talking money and checks, those are issues for you no? Apparently you got none and the only checks you can issued are from the Banks of PlayDoh and Mattel. So you are able to buy Park Place on the Monopoly board and all of a sudden you feel you got strength to talk. Why don’t you scrape up the few pennies you have and get yourself some humble pie and pay hom-mage to the greatness that is Venus Williams? Venus is not only making bank on the tour, she owns an Interior Design Company, Fashion Design as well as partnership in other major corporations including the Miami Dolphins. You on the other hand cannot pay your creditors in trident layers gum even if they were willing to accept it.

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You might not know this but it is because of Venus why we are even noting your presence at the Australian Open this year. You might think that beating Flavia Pennetta (12) was some great achievement for you because maybe you’ll get picked for the Fed Cup team this year ahead of Karin Knapp but for Venus that’s just a routine day at the office. And gurl, let’s be on the real right now, Francesca Schiavone got more relevance than you. See the real question is not whether you know Venus but it is whether Venus knows you?

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I could FINISH you right now but I am gonna let Professor Serena have the final words on this matter when she told reporters this of her sister. I am gonna need you to pay attention for this bit … Wait can you even afford to pay attention?

CAPTION CORRECTION The Championships - Wimbledon 2013: Previews

“Yeah, she came in as a new face, a black woman that was shaking up the world. She had all the pressure on her shoulders. I kind of came in behind her. You know, just snuck in there. There was no pressure on me at all. She dealt with it so amazing. She had a lot of confidence and she had so much class and still does throughout everything. You can see that her personality is pretty much the same. She’s definitely grown but she’s always been very mature and very regal.”

Q. Was there a public moment in public when you were most proud of your sister?

“So many things. I mean, her sticking up for equal rights in Dubai when they wouldn’t let certain players play, her sticking up for equal prize money for the WTA in Wimbledon. So many different things that she’s done for the tour that’s made it a better place not just for me but for all the female players.”

Now you can cry! And may I never hear another word of this matter alleged or otherwise because next time, I am not gonna be so nice!

Jujubee-library-reading-to-filth

Back to our regular scheduled program:

So let us get to the real matter at hand, the tennis,

Mr. Federer had a bad day at the office

Mr. Federer had a bad day at the office

I guess we should start with the menz because the biggest story of the day and perhaps the entire championships, has come from the men’s draw. 4-time Champion here, Mr. Roger Federer has been dismissed by the most unlikely of opponent, Andreas Seppi, a player he has beaten in all 10 previous meetings. Seppi came out swinging and Mr. Federer was well off. Nothing was working for him and his lack of accuracy was paying off for Seppi. Even Mr. Federer’s usual deft on-court instincts were completely off. Twice Mr. Federer let makeable shots float by thinking that they would go long, both on set points no less. Both balls dropped well in resulting in him losing those sets, the last one being the match.

Andreas Seppi

Andreas Seppi

Seppi was clearly the better player. He was the one making the right decisions on court and getting his serve to work as well as getting the right length on his shots. All the breaks were going his way and whenever he was in trouble, Mr. Federer was just not able to capitalize and left his game long enough in order to maintain any advantage. Jim Courier, a former winner here noted something along the lines of “Federer just has to be Federer for 5 minutes in order to turn this match around.” However, it came to be that Federer was only Federer for short bursts of no more than 3 minutes interval and that was enough to get him a break in the 3rd set (A LUCKY NET CORD) but it was not enough to get him to win the match. Seppi took it 6-4 7-6 4-6 7-6. 

What had happened was ...

What had happened was …

This is the first time since 2003 that Mr. Federer has not made it to the semifinals or better at the Australian Open. It was 11 straight years of great performances here in Melbourne!

Mr. Federer had this to say of the match: “For some reason I struggled. Like I explained, it had things to do with Andreas’ game and with my game as well. You put those things together, all of a sudden you’re playing a match you don’t want to play. The rallies are going in a way you don’t like it. Then when I maybe needed my serve the most, it wasn’t quite there, because my baseline game wasn’t there either. It went in phases. But at least I was able to iron out things a bit and able to play much more solid at the back end of the match. But it just broke me to lose that second set. And actually the fourth, I should win it, too. Just a brutal couple of sets to lose there.

How many times have I played night session, day session, night session, day session or day session, night session? Who cares. I think he did well. I struggled today and he took advantage of it really. I wish I believed maybe if we played at night I would have been more comfortable, but at this point who cares, right? I mean, like I’m on the plane and he’s not, so…”

This is why Mr. Federer will forever be my homie slice FOR LIFE!!!

Divadal taking out Dudi Sela

Divadal taking out Dudi Sela

So anyway, Divadal was also set to play. He won his match quite comfortably because he was playing Dudi Sela. Yeah who is he? Sela did not put up much of a fight but Divadal was generous by letting it go to 12 games in the 3rd set: 6-1 6-0 7-5. Meanwhile, Divadal also had a bit of drama sounding his name on the day though I am sure his fans will not see it this way. Craig Tiley, the director of the Australian Open had this to say in regards to Divadal before this match and after this “epic match” v Tim Smyczek: “We saw that Rafa had lost a lot of fluids and Nadal’s team asked us to have the maximum possible time for recovery. We are in permanent contact with players’ teams and this decision was good for both parts, we are all happy and nobody should be upset about this. Rafa is one of the greatest players in this tournaments and a great asset of world tennis. We have to protect him”

I think this is ridiculous! I mean this is so unfair to players. Divadal played a 5-set match and not a 3-day affair a la John Isner and Nicolas Mahut. It is not that serious but as always, tennis has changed its standards for Divadal! As per Divadal, we have changed the court, the ball, the racquet and now we are fixing the schedule to give him the advantage. They might as well just put him in the final without playing the 6 previous rounds.

But anyway, the other menz! Lochness Murray (6) has been quietly making his way thought the draw. He has not dropped random sets and played solid thus far. He got rid of Joao Sousa of Portugal 6-1 6-1 7-5. He will play Dimitrov(10) who was having Marcos Baghdatis give him the run around as they had to go to a 5th set to decide the match. Dimitrov won it 4-6 6-3 3-6 6-3 6-3.

Berdych is still alive and strong in this tournament

Berdych is still alive and strong in this tournament

Other winners include Tomas Berdych (7) aka Berdshite who beat Viktor Triocki 6-4 6-3 6-4. Kevin Anderson (14) took out Richard Gasquet (24) in straight sets which oddly enough seems like an upset to me despite the ranking. Anderson was very decisive in his win 6-4 7-6 7-6 and I expected Gasquet to have done much more than this. However, I guess he had other ideas than living up to my expectations. Tampomic took out Sexy Sam Groth in straight sets 6-4 7-6 6-3 and fellow Aussie Nick Kripsy Kringle Kyrgios won in straight sets 6-3 7-6 6-1.

Goerges is through to the 4th Round of a major

Goerges is through to the 4th Round of a major

On the ladies side, we did not have much of a dramatic turn of events. A lot of the “Upset Queens” were sent packing as several faced each other. Julia Goerges took out Lucie Hradecka in straight sets 7-5 7-6. Hradecka had chances to take at least a set and even push for the match win. However, she lost focus and Goerges found hers at the right moment just when it was waning. Another Upset Queens matchup was Irina-Carmila Begu v Carina Witthoeft. Begu won in straight sets 6-4 6-4. On the other hand, Yanina Wickmayer continued on her upset winning ways when she took out Sara Errani (14) 4-6 6-4 6-3 and through to the 4th round. What is interesting about this victory is the fact that Errani was leading in all 3 sets. However, Wickmayer was on that money train and was not going to let 4th round money pass her by!

I am still here itches! Don't think that lil hiccup will faze

I am still here itches! Don’t think that lil hiccup will faze

All the other top seeded players kept their wits about them and secured straight sets victories. Martha (2) won 6-1 6-1 over Zarina Diyas (31) and Bouchard (7) took out Caroline Garcia 7-5 6-0. Garcia started the match very well but clearly was not about finishing well at all. She let early breaks go by. Simona Halep (3) went through 6-4 7-5 over Bethanie Mattek-Sands, Ekaterina Makarova (10) won over Karolina Pliskova (22) 6-4 6-4 and Shuai Peng (21) took care of Yaroslava Shvedova 7-6 6-3.

Halep is still here too!!

Halep is still here too!!

So there we have it. Day 5’s action! I hope you enjoyed it even if you might be reading it late or at all! 

#TEAMHOTTIES

He's often overlooked but Djoker is goodlooking

He’s often overlooked but Djoker is goodlooking

According to rumours, ... well they're just rumours and won't be repeated here

According to rumours, … well they’re just rumours and won’t be repeated here

Sexy Sam

Sexy Sam

Gorgeous Groth

Gorgeous Groth

And YES I wanna slam Sam

And YES I wanna slam Sam

Pablo Carreno-Busta is HOTNESS, Guillermo Garcia-Lopez ain't too bad himself. THREESOME

Pablo Carreno-Busta is HOTNESS, Guillermo Garcia-Lopez ain’t too bad himself. THREESOME

Karolina Pliskova is cute

Karolina Pliskova is cute

This girl is cute but what I don't get is why is she wearing panty briefs out in public

This girl is cute but what I don’t get is why is she wearing panty briefs out in public

#TEAMWENOTSUREYET

Grigor is losing looks these days. He just ain't doing it for me as of late

Grigor is losing looks these days. He just ain’t doing it for me as of late

Does Akgul Amanmuradova look like ...

Does Akgul Amanmuradova look like …

Nick Kyrgios? STFU Realz!

Nick Kyrgios? STFU Realz!

Mr. Federer’s match in pictures

So Mr. Federer came out as normal, pocketbook and racquet bag

So Mr. Federer came out as normal, pocketbook and racquet bag

Things got sticky going down 0-2 sets

Things got sticky going down 0-2 sets

My play STINKS but I think I can get it together and still win this thing

My play STINKS but I think I can get it together and still win this thing

Nooooooo I can't get it

Nooooooo I can’t get it

FUCK NOOOO I ain't winning this today

FUCK NOOOO I ain’t winning this today

Yeah congratulations and all but don't touch my butt ...

Yeah congratulations and all but don’t touch my butt …

Time to go home and make babies :-)

Time to go home and make babies 🙂

Mirka gurl, I am coming... get ready for me

Mirka gurl, I am coming… get ready for me

They aren’t ready yet! 

Mr. Federer trying to give you the Abs Show but failed

Mr. Federer trying to give you the Abs Show but failed

Marcos trying to give it to you but he's holding it in ... I hope he doesn't stifle himself

Marcos trying to give it to you but he’s holding it in … I hope he doesn’t stifle himself

Marcos Baghdatis during a match

You have two eyes Marcos

You have two eyes Marcos

To see ONE ball

To see ONE ball

Yet you still miss arghhhhh IDIOT

Yet you still miss arghhhhh IDIOT

Time for a medical time out to recuperate

Time for a medical time out to recuperate

Need a Fashion makeover NOW

NOOO Makarova. You can do better than this

NOOO Makarova. You can do better than this

Shuai Peng, we need to fix them edges. They are tore up gurl

Shuai Peng, we need to fix them edges. They are tore up gurl

Kei I am not sure what's going on with the hair accessory ... might be a bit too much

Kei I am not sure what’s going on with the hair accessory … might be a bit too much

Mixed Bag Photos

Can I get your number?

Can I get your number?

WTF is going on there? Who that heifer talking to my man?

WTF is going on there? Who that heifer talking to my man?

A bitch gonna protect her investment and stop these side bitches from taking over

A bitch gonna protect her investment and stop these side bitches from taking over

Andy! Andy! Andy! We LOOOOOVEEE YOUUU

Andy! Andy! Andy! We LOOOOOVEEE YOUUU

I gotta be aware of threats from these twinks too? WTMFF?

I gotta be aware of threats from these twinks too? WTMFF?

Hradecka trying the slipt

Hradecka trying the slipt

Dimitrov showing her how it is DONE!!

Dimitrov showing her how it is DONE!!

And he got his pocketbook too

And he got his pocketbook too

See most of these "fans" be coming out for their people in tank tops etc. However, Richard Gasquet's boys are the only ones shirtless. I wonder why?? Hmmmm

See most of these “fans” be coming out for their people in tank tops etc. However, Richard Gasquet’s boys are the only ones shirtless. I wonder why?? Hmmmm

Why the guy in the Yankee top boobs look bigger than those girls to the side

Why the guy in the Yankee top boobs look bigger than those girls to the side

Look at those hot men sans the one with the hat. He can hold the camera while we get it on in a foursome

Look at those hot men sans the one with the hat. Ain’t nobody here checking for bears! 

Why is his armpits shaved and hers not?

Why is his armpits shaved and hers look it is not?

Open letter to all players …

In Uncategorized on January 26, 2015 at 6:45 pm

I don’t fully agree with Pseudo-Federer but he has a point about Stanley always being bothered! You know how Realz feel about these fakinjuries and that they be documented or else count as near cheating! Enjoy this posting nonetheless 🙂 It is hilarious

Hello Little Guys,

It’s Me, GOAT. I hope you are enjoying the second week of the tournament and are still feeling gratefulness that I chose to depart during the first week. Sometimes when one reaches this level of seniority it is appropriate to let others have a chance too. You’re welcome.

So, the quarter-finals are ahead of you. Before you step on court may I suggest you do so fully prepared with last year’s final between Rafaello and Stanford firmly in mind. You’ll remember Stanford being rather insistent on being made aware of Rafaello’s medical issues, in minute detail. Therefore, if you have any pre-existing physical problems that may cause issues during the match please ensure you satisfy any queries Stanford may have. I recommend a medical certificate for each problem. All documents must be signed by three Doctors and also must be accompanied with 2 x-rays and 3 MRI…

View original post 87 more words

2015 Australian Open: Day 4 The Late Later Edition

In Uncategorized on January 24, 2015 at 4:12 am

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I am beginning to wonder if anyone really reads this blog. It might just be that the “supposed traffic” that I am getting is merely spam because I get a lot of Spam comments that I ultimately have to delete since there is no point in responding to internet bots. My eyes are heavy and carrying bags. I am foregoing sleep yet again to bring you a Realz Brand of Tennis Coverage that you can find nowhere else. Anyway, let us get on with the show. SO PLEASE FOLKS COMMENT AND LET’S GET A FOLLOWING!!

The Ladies 

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So it seems for better or worse, the ladies have got their lives together. They have settled down and played a better brand of tennis though several of the notable players are experiencing some hiccups. The Serenanator was up against Vera Zvonareva who has nearly fallen off the radar but there was a point in Vera’s career when she was the No.2 player in the world, a ranking that was legitimately earned. She made it to the finals of two majors (2010 Wimbledon and US Open) and was producing quality results at a few others (2011 Australian Open semifinals to name one). However, both mental and physical instabilities got the better of Vera. Now when I say mental instability, do not imagine like bipolar and/or schizophrenia, I am talking about the nagging doubts that have always plagued her throughout her career which more than likely intensified during her long absences due to injury.

Serena was getting outplayed by Vera and she didn't know who it was on the court

Serena was getting outplayed by Vera for a hot minute

However, I am digressing once again.  So ReRe was playing Vera and for a near full set, the Russian was digging into the American. She was relentless and forcing the issue. Her forehand was working and she earned herself 3 set points but they were all on Serena’s serve, which in and of itself was not such a bad thing at the time during the match. Serena was having issue with her ball toss and the second strike because of the sun. It was a serious problem. Anyway, so Vera had these 3 set points at 5-3 but in just the nick of time, Serenanator came back online and held for 4-5.

The sun is in my eyes!!!

The sun is in my eyes!!!

Vera to serve for the set! And therein laid the tale of the tape for this match. Vera could not get it done as Serena broke to level it at 5-5. What is even more accurate to say, Vera could not get anything else done for the match. Sometimes, in these big matches against these top players, they give you ONE SOLITARY look to wrest control of the match from them. If you fail to take that gift, they pounce and they rip into you like it was a grave insult to have dismissed their gift of a free rare win over them. They raise the level of their game so high that you are left more deflated than the Patriots footballs. (I hope I noted the right team). So Serenanator righted her life and Vera near lost hers. She did not win another game for the rest of the match as Serenanator was fully loaded and executing perfectly. Vera was gagging, Vera was missing and Vera was losing. Serena took the match 7-5 6-0, winning 10 straight games.

Sometimes Vera can play a giant's game but then she becomes a mental midget

Sometimes Vera can play a giant’s game but then she becomes a mental midget

So other winners: Well Granny Vee is playing well and getting through her matches with ease. She took out fellow American Lauren Davis 6-2 6-3. No struggling and no 3-setters thus far. We can only hope that she keeps this up because the matches are only going to get tougher and in this Melbourne heat, her Sjogren’s Syndrome would be trending. The sisters have also decided to pull out the Doubles Draw and for some journalists, this was of particular news. It did not help that when asked about why they pulled out, Venus responded by saying “According to the rules, you don’t have to give a reason. I think we’ll stick with that … No further questions on that. I object. Sustained. Thank you.” My main gurl Venus! It did not help that later when asked about the matter, Serena responded with, “I don’t think we have to give a reason … I think Venus answered that already.”

In other words

In other words

This gave the journalists a tittie attack because according to one of these said journalists, Carole Bouchard, “people are talking and saying there’s injury.” She added that she had to ask because that is her job. I quietly pointed out to her via Twitter that, she can ask but like the rules and Venus said, “You don’t need to know!” This turned into a “Twitter Tiff” where she quickly pulled rank and said that she is “sick of non-journalists” like myself who telling her what to do in her job. Gurrlll! She went there. She literally went for the jugular in a nano-second. However, I did not check her because you know, I am gonna let her have her shine for this rare moment because we all know I am right on this front. I mean how can there be a question of injury when they both moved so well in their singles matches on that day and won in straight sets. Doubles has not nor ever will be a priority for the Sisters at a major. Yes winning them is fun and great photo op but do you think it is a priority? If it were, we would see them playing week in and week out on the regular tour.

I am gonna just walk on by because Realz is handling these journos for me today!

I am gonna just walk on by because Realz is handling these journos for me today!

Furthermore, I have already won the battle. She engaged with me on Twitter. Plus I had already got in her face earlier last week about her “Gluten free diet” bit she posted on Twitter which scientists have now proven to be fad and a fake unless one has Celiac Disease. She does not have it. Djoker have these people running wild with this nonsense. Even he has shied away from this narrative.

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I did however explain to Mlle. Bouchard (She’s French) that the Williams Sisters do not need to win another doubles title in their life. They have 13 majors including 4 at the Australian Open. Why bother with more when Venus has Sjogren’s and the heat in Melbourne is crazy. However, she was adamant that there was a story there. I pointed out that there was no story but merely two sentences. “The Williams Sisters pulled out of the Doubles Draw. They gave no reason” BOOM! What is an even more pressing story is the wellbeing of Vera Zvonareva because we know she is drowning herself in tears in the locker room as we tweet. She of course turned it into some “Journalistic Code” of going for the story and presenting information when people wish not to share and her “editor” not wanting that story. This for me is a really tricky issue.

You have insufficient funds for this discussion because you have ZERO sense

You have insufficient funds for this discussion because you have ZERO sense

Pardon the mini digression here. In the age of Social Media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, SnapChat, Vine, etc etc and everybody and their grandmother having a camera and a “smartphone”, we have all become, sorry to say, dumb. We have lost our sense of privacy (pronounced prey-ve-cee not pry-va-cee I kid not that serious) and the need and importance of being private. Everything now is up for grabs to be in the limelight. I personally believe that cameras should be treated like stoves in people’s homes and apartment; everyone has one but not everyone is capable of using it to its fullest potential and thus they keep it simple and never publicize their meagre or mediocre results. Anyway, we now live in the world where journalism is all about “Click Bait”. Where the integrity of the article is underserved only to have many likes, re-tweets, shares and/or followers. I cannot tell you how often I am disappointed with the garbage passed off as news these days. The truth of the matter is that people really do not have a “right to know” everything. They clearly have the “right to ask” but not to know. People have been given far too many liberties when it comes to other people’s privacy and private matters.

Click-bait

In the matter of this journalist and the Williams Sisters’ Doubles Withdrawal, she is not interested in the facts but merely in sensational possibility that one or both could be injured because that would drive “internet traffic”. This whole idea of “people talking about it” and “she is doing her job to find out” are mere smoke screens. No one was talking but these journalists in their caves. If someone came out and said the sisters are injured, A) the sisters have a right to keep that information private and B) as the sisters are not talking, why not go to the “original source” of the story? She cannot because there is none. See they make up a story and discuss the possibility of it happening. “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story!” Or so they say. However, I would leave this matter here for now.

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Back to the tennis: Granny Vee will play Camila Giorgi of Italy who took out her opponent, Tereza Smitkova 6-1 6-4. Winners of the day include Aga Bratzwanska (6) who is playing fine tennis dropping 1 game against Johanna Larsson 6-0 6-1. Kvitova (4) beat Mona Barthel 6-2 6-4. 2014 finalist, Dominika Cibuttkova took out Tsvetana Pironkova 6-2 6-0 (You know I have zero sympathy for Pironkova in this regard … gurl who knocked Granny Vee out of a major 3 times). Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (25) and Elena Svitolina (26) who will face the Serenanator in the 3rd round both won their 2nd round matches. Another winner is Timea Bacsinszky who has been showing fine form in this earlier part of the year.

Kvitova is quietly making her way up the ladder to a possible 3rd major title

Kvitova is quietly making her way up the ladder to a possible 3rd major title

Both Garbine Muguruza (24) and Lordlize Cornemort (19) two players who knocked Serena out of majors last year, have also won their matches and through to the 3rd round. The American is on a projected collision course with Muguruza in the Round of 16 and Cornemort in the quarters if they all progress that far. Both Muguruza and Cornemort were mucking about in their matches as they were leading and then went on a bit of a mental holiday or perhaps in the case of Cornemort, had to hunt down a horcrux. Muguruza took out Daniela Hantuchova 6-1 1-6 6-0 as Cornemort won in 3 sets.

It was Cornemort's birthday! And who said the Dark Lord has no feelings?

It was Cornemort’s birthday! And who said the Dark Lord has no feelings?

Meanwhile, of particular interest to people who care, several American women not names Serena and/or Venus Williams are through to the 3rd round. Unknown Madison Brengle who had upset No.13 Andrea Petkovic in the 1st round, destroyed another American Irina Falconi 6-1 6-3. The much touted Madison Keys is also through to the 3rd round when she simply dismantled the game of Casey Dellacqua (29) after dropping the opening set. Keys had all the doors to Dellacqua’s game tightly locked up. Dellacqua could not buy a break point even if she had an 80% off special discount for one. Keys won 2-6 6-1 6-1.

Yes I had Dellacqua on lockdown because I got all the Keys

Yes I had Dellacqua on lockdown because I got all the Keys

Another Australian who got her life ended by an American was Sam Stosur (20) no surprise at all. Stosur, the last match of the day got handled by CoCo Vandeweghe 6-4 6-4. Australians who paid for tickets for Rod Laver Night Session went home feeling totally gutted as not only did Stosur lose but Lleyton Hewitt lost in 5 sets after being up 2-0 sets to Benjamin Becker. Aussies were pressed, bothered and deflated!

grhx2

I got caught up in so many different things that I almost forgot to mention the real Match Du Jour: Caro Wozniacki (8) v Vickie, the 2-time Champion here! Well there was a lot of build up to this match with Wozniacki seemingly getting closer to winning a major or so they say and Vickie coming back from injury and a very poor showing in 2014. She is now ranked in the 40’s hence why she is meeting the Danish Biscuit in the 2nd round of a major. Well from the start, Vickie was bossing the ball around the court. She is a great mover and counter puncher and she had that tennis ball going every which way particularly towards the Wozniacki feeble forehand. The Belarusian staked out claim to the baseline and repeatedly pinned Wozniacki in the back of the court to scramble to stay in the points. Vickie broke early and led 3-0 including the double break. Wozniacki was about to get it level at 4-4 but could not consolidate the break giving Vickie the chance to serve it out, which she did 6-4. In the 2nd set, it was more of the same but this time, Vickie was better than she was in the 1st set. Wozniacki realized that she either had the game or the gumption to get the momentum to shift her way. It became all too clear why it is that Vickie has two majors and Caro has none. Vickie took the match 6-4 6-2.

From one Serena pigeon to another, the better pigeon won!

From one Serena pigeon to another, the better pigeon won!

Let us get to the menz: So Djoker Harlequeen (1) took out Russian Andrey Kuznetsov in straight sets. Djoker was already up 6-0 6-1 when he decided to be a bit generous and give Kuznetsov a few games and even a break. However, it did not mean that Djoker was going to let it be Burger King; Kuznetsov was not going to have it his way at all. Djoker moved to the 3rd round 6-0 6-1 6-4. Defending champion Stanley (4) is also through to the 3rd round with a straight sets victory over Marius Copil. Stanley might also be nursing a bit of a wrist injury but we will see how that takes a toll on him this tournament.

What can I say, I was feeling very generous about letting him get a few games in. I am nice like that

What can I say, I was feeling very generous about letting him get a few games in. I am nice like that

As per the norm, several Spaniards are through to the 3rd round of a major: Fake Fire Ferrer (9), FeFe Lopez (12), Tabasco Verdasco (31) and Guillermo Garcia-Lopez all had relatively comfortable victories and will find themselves one step closer to making the 2nd week of a major. In the case of FeFe Lopez, he got lucky more so than comfortable. Frenchman Adrian Mannarino was leading him and even had match point. Lopez was able to force a 4th set to stay alive but Mannarino was in pain. The weather conditions got to him and he retired from the match.

Man down! Man down! Mannarino had fallen and could not get up

Man down! Man down! Mannarino had fallen and could not get up

Other winners include Kei Nishikori (5) was in a fight for his life against Ivan Dodig. I do not know why Kei with his fragile body and limited resources is out there slacking off with a scrub. This is the second match he is basically playing like a Monfils on court. Anyway Dodig looked near serious about the upset win and was putting Horsikori through the paces. Dodig served for the 4th set but got unlucky with the definitely pro-Kei crowd. Kei took it 4-6 7-5 6-2 7-6. I have to say that for me Kei is a special player. There is something magnificent about his game though not his teeth but we are not here for that. It is quite easy to see why he is a likeable character on the tour. He still needs to fix those teeth though.

Is Realz saying nice things about me? Wonders never cease!

Is Realz saying nice things about me? Wonders never cease!

In my mind I imagine he is like Mario of Super Mario Bros. fame. First he starts off looking diminutive then as though he ate that super mushroom, he turns into a giant on the court seemingly everywhere. Finally, there are moments when Kei is on the “Star Power” juice when he is virtually unstoppable and he is creating winners out of nowhere and everything thrown at him, he crushes. He is capable of turning it on in the key moments of big matches. Conversely, like Mario, he is capable of simply languishing about and is quite fragile. Star Power juice is only temporary and the ability to get it is few and far between. The slightest of offensive blows landed on Mario, he is back to being regular Mario or dead. Kei needs to maintain his high level of play and manage his matches far better than he is doing now if he wants to win a major.

new-super-mario-brothers-giant-mario

Anyway, Raonic (8) also won his 2nd round match as did his fellow Canadian Vasek Pospisil aka Popsicle. Their next door neighbour, the Americans, John Isner (19) aka Mountain Troll BFG and Steve Johnson are also through to the 3rd round.

By way of “upsets” Roberto Bautista-Agut (13) lost to Gilles Muller and Santiago Giraldo (30), he lost to the American Johnson. I guess the “biggest shocker” of the day was Gael Monfils (17) aka Beetlejuice being sent packing by Jerzy Janowicz in 5 sets. Like I said, the reason why Monfils does not win major or more to be precise, he does not really factor into the mix is because he wastes so much time on court in the earlier round and then eventually it catches up with him. Janowicz should not have won this match but Monfils donated it to him, 6-4 1-6 6-7 6-3 6-3. I need not mention again how Hewitt was up 6-2 6-1 on Benjamin Becker who is most famous for beating Agassi in his last professional match at the US Open, and got his wig snatched in the next three. Becker won the match 2-6 1-6 6-3 6-4 6-2. Aussies were not having it and nor was Bec. She was mad as hell.

Bec Hewitt

Bec Hewitt

Bec Hewitt

Bec Hewitt

Bec Hewitt

Bec Hewitt

Anyway, that is enough of that.

The Mixed Bag Picture Show

FeFe Lopez is too hot even for himself

FeFe Lopez is too hot even for himself

Raonic is a cutie. He's definitely the guy that you can take home to your mama. #husbandmaterial

Raonic is a cutie. He’s definitely the guy that you can take home to your mama. #husbandmaterial

#flawless is Thanasi Kokkinaskis

#flawless is Thanasi Kokkinaskis

Someone pour water on me because I am about to lose control

Someone pour water on me because I am about to lose control

Gurl don't be pinching my butt in public. You know what that does to me

Gurl don’t be pinching my butt in public. You know what that does to me

Meanwhile, let's take a look at this #foulfashion. She's wearing a lace jacket? WTF

Meanwhile, let’s take a look at this #foulfashion. She’s wearing a lace jacket? WTF

And mint green floral print?

And mint green floral print?

Meanwhile, this guy swore he wore it better and I am inclined to agree with him

Meanwhile, this guy swore he wore it better and I am inclined to agree with him

That time when your BIC highlighter went into the washer with your PE clothes

That time when your BIC highlighter went into the washer with your PE clothes

The reason that racquet is there is for viewer's discretion. Her pants are so short and tight you can see lips!

The reason that racquet is there is for viewer’s discretion. Her pants are so short and tight you can see lips! In fact they are not short shorts but in fact panty briefs

CoCo is giving you the "I just slayed Sam Stosur Stance"

CoCo is giving you the “I just slayed Sam Stosur Stance”

Meanwhile, Vickie is doing only God's knows #fixitjesus

Meanwhile, Vickie is doing only God’s knows #fixitjesus

You get ZERO street creds for this! I mean with the mouth taped shut, you are practically holding a dead crocodile

You get ZERO street creds for this! I mean with the mouth taped shut, you are practically holding a dead crocodile

I am not so sure whether Rod Laver is being fitted for a suit

I am not so sure whether Rod Laver is being fitted for a suit

Or being done up by a mortician. He looks so dead that he could be bored

Or being done up by a mortician. He looks so dead that he could be bored

How Aussie Fans Reacted to Hewitt and Sam’s Loss

The look you get when your players are playing shit

The look they got when Sam and Lleyton started playing shit

You're near losing your voice but have strength for profanity laden sentences

They began losing their voices from chanting but had strength for profanity laden sentences

And it is too late to get back your money and your poor wife is about to get a beating because of it

And they realized it was too late to get their money back and the wife is about to call 999 because the husband is having a silent heart attack

2015 Australian Open: Day 3 The Late Late Late Edition

In Uncategorized on January 24, 2015 at 12:01 am
Thank you Jesus for bringing back Realz. Better late than never.

Thank you Jesus for bringing back Realz. Better late than never.

I am so so so very sorry my fans for coming to you so very late with Day 3’s Report. I have so much on my plate and I swear to you I have also been lacking sleep. The bags under my eyes are carrying more load than the ones the players have on court [Which is still a mystery to mme as to for 1) What the hell is in it? And 2) Why the hell are you bringing a purse to the court? I don’t see NBA players bringing a pocketbook to the court. If the lockers are not that safe to keep your precious stuff, I hardly believe players have their passports on hand there, you can A) Talk to the people in charge about the lack of security and feel free to invoke the standard US police line of “Fear for my Safety” that usually covers a multitude of sins and/or B) This is just me coming up with something off the cuff here and a severe lack of sleep but how about you just leave your stuff at home. Don’t bring your valuables to work.]

There we go with the racquet bag on the right and the mystery pocketbook on the left

There we go with the racquet bag on the right and the mystery pocketbook on the left! What’s in there Divadal? Enquiring minds would like to know

However, it is way too early in this post for me to go off on a tangent and/or digressing especially since I am well late with this edition. So let us get to the results. Today we will start off with the Menz.

Again the men were generally well behaved. No major upsets to speak of or perhaps more so to the point, what I should really say is that we did not lose anyone of major consequence and/or care. However, you know who decided to get themselves square in the limelight? None other than the Grande Dame himself, Divadal. She decided that the “Comeback Narrative” from his fakinjuries was not enough, he had to give us a “comeback in the match heroics vein.” Divadal was playing American Tim Smyczek. Now if you have not heard of him before now, well do not feel bad. Most people have not. In fact, Smyczek mostly makes an appearance at the US Open where he wins a couple of matches or just one and sometimes find himself being one of the “few surviving American male” left in the tournament. He is basically one of those American men trying to find relevance on tour in the absence of Andy Roddick. He then gets sucked into the “Where are the American men?” narrative. Anyway, Smyczek is also VERY EASY ON THE EYES. He can get it. Anywho, let’s get back to the Divadal story.

Tim Smother him with gravy Symczek ... he can definitely get it

Tim Smother him with gravy Symczek … he can definitely get it

So Divadal was leading Smyczek earlier on in the match as was to be expected. He took the 1st set 6-2. However, I guess Divadal decided he needed to take a Mental Holiday or something like that so he just zoned out of the match it seemed. In fact, what I think Divadal did was simply change the narrative surrounding him a bit. See coming into the tournament, there was a lot of “questions” surrounding his fitness for this tournament but after his first round demolition of Youznhy, all questions were answered. Divadal was definitely one of the favourites to win. So Divadal knew he could no longer go into press conferences and say, “Well me no soy favorito. Djoker y Federrerr son the muchos favoritos” So how do you keep that going, you simply get yourself knocked about a bit by a scrub. So Smyczek won the 2nd and 3rd sets.

Smyczek v Divadal turned out to be a "drama filled affair" Who knew?

Smyczek v Divadal turned out to be a “drama filled affair” Who knew?

According to EuroSport commies, “Divadal was sweating so much.” “I have never seen him sweat that much” said Mats Weelander (His real name is Mats Wilander). I really can’t even get into the absurdity of this last bit of madness. Sometimes, people say such ridiculousness that you really cannot engage. So anyway, Divadal was now down 1-2 sets and everyone thought the upset was possible. That is, everyone who is silly. Divadal was not going to lose like that. He has ONLY EVER struggled at Wimbledon in the early rounds. Think about it. When has Divadal not made the 2nd week of a major not named Wimbledon and be in danger of losing to a scrub? This rarely happens. So I know it was not going to happen that night and even if it were to happen, it certainly was not going to be at the hands and racquet of Tim Smyczek. So again no surprises here when Divadal came through and pulled off another “epic win” 6-2 3-6 6-7 6-3 7-5.

Yes tennis gods my plan has worked. I am now back in the Sympathy Corner

Yes tennis gods my plan has worked. I am now back in the Sympathy Corner

Yeah Timmy, I am immune to scrubs except in London

Yeah Timmy, I am immune to scrubs except in London

Dear Fanz,

*Please note that I have contacted the Oxford English authorities about issuing a “Cease and Desist Order” as well as an Injunction against tennis commentators, journalists, fans and fanatics alike for the extra-grammatical and wonton abuse of the words, “epic, greatest, best, era, illness and injury.” Things have got grossly out of hand now and it is time that order is restored to the English Language. Far too many crimes and atrocities have been committed in the name of journalism and “fair and balance reporting.” Therefore egregious statements such as “Nadal played an epic match v Djokovic” or “This is the Djokovic-era” will be a thing of the past.

 

gr2xn

I have also asked them to within this injunction state explicitly that any use of those words without proper documented and corroborating evidence for the sentence and or sentences they are found within, will result in public shaming and a hefty fine. All offenders will have to take mandatory English classes even if he/she is a native speaker. In fact any native speaker found in violation of this injunction WILL BE given the status of “English as a Second Language” and have to take remedial classes as basic vocabulary is seriously an issue for them. Please note that Special Dispensation has been given to RealzTenisFanz for its strident effort in maintaining the integrity of the language. 

10653781_10204758016335975_696117555243078983_n

You said Realz! AMEN and AMENNNN!!!

gr2m2

 

Anyway, let’s get back to the tennis. So Mr. Federer (2) decided that he wanted to give some random scrub, Simone Bolelli, some undeserved confidence. Bolelli came out in the 1st set like a tigershark. He was pounding Mr. Federer with that forehand. I mean Bolelli was near not missing a single one and Mr. Federer was looking his age. Mr. Federer dropped the 1st set 3-6 and was left to lick his wound; quite literally as he was stung by a bee on his finger or something along those lines. He got that treated after dropping the set. As for Bolelli, well as is often the case with these scrubs, they blow their wad early and usually end up showing themselves to be a “one-trick pony”. Whenever the other player figures out how to deal with that trick, they are left with nothing else to show and they get dismissed. That’s exactly what happened. Mr. Federer dismissed him 3-6 6-3 6-2 6-2 in vintage style.

Mr. Federer had to get his life together! He was a mess in that 1st set

Mr. Federer had to get his life together! He was a mess in that 1st set

Who looked to be in good form was Lochness Murray (6). He took out Marinko Matosevic of Australia in straights 6-1 6-3 6-2 as did Bershite (7) over qualifier Jurgen Melzer. Dimitrov (10), the Bulgarian handbag, also came through to the 3rd round but he did it in 4 sets. Kevin Anderson (14) and Richard Gasquet (24) also won and moved through to the next round. Meanwhile, the Australians were besides themselves as they had two of their own facing each other; Super Sexy Sam Groth and the Twink Thanasi Kokkinakis. I was cheering myself but for entirely different reasons 😉 It was a tough contest but in the end, experience won out as Gorgeous Groth took it in 5 sets 3-6 6-3 7-5 3-6 6-1. Groth will play another compatriot in the form of Bernard Tampomic in the 3rd round. No doubt who I would be backing in that match! 

Gorgeous  Groth

Gorgeous Groth

And speaking of the douche Tampomic, he sorta led an interesting turn of event in this half of the draw that saw several of the lower end seeds (Seeded Scrubs I like to call them) all being tossed out in 4 sets. Tampomic took out Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) and his countryman, Nick Krispy Kringle beat Ivo Karlovic (23) also in 4 sets as did Andreas Seppi who took out Jeremy Chardy (29). Marcos Baghdatis, 2006 finalist here in Melbourne, took care of David Goffin (20) who was severely hampered by the hot and humid conditions. Dudi Sela won over Lukas Rosol (28) and Viktor Troiki is back in the mix when he got rid of Leonardo Mayer (26). The only seeded player who did not lose in 4 sets was Martin Klizan (32). He himself went out in the 2nd round but he did so by way of retiring from his match.

Who are these guys you people of Realz? I have never heard of them

Who are these guys you people of Realz? I have never heard of them

On the womenz side, well the big story was again a “near defeat” of the No. 2 seed. However, in this case, it was a very very near defeat as Martha Shriekapova had to save 3 match points against her countrywoman Alexandra Panova. Panova got dragged in the 1st set losing it 1-6 but in the next two, she was crushing Martha’s basic game. Panova led 5-1 in the 2nd set but got shaky but was still able to close it out 6-4 to force a 3rd set. Martha was in deep trouble and she knew it too BUT we all know Martha competes VERY WELL! If she was going to lose a match to some extra or WTA Wench (my new catch phrase) on tour, she was going to make that extra/wench WIN IT. Martha does not donate free matches! You want that W next to your name against her, gurl you best get your life together because Martha is NEVER GONNA GIVE UP unless your name is Serena Williams.

Martha was getting dragged like a ragged doll out there

Martha was getting dragged like a ragged doll out there

Panova had break points to go up 5-1 in the 3rd set but I think she forgot who she was playing. Martha held serve for 2-4 and then steadily worked her way back into the match with confidence and panache as though it were she in the driver’s seat. Panova took her foot off the accelerator and paid dearly for it. Martha got her shite together and took the match 6-1 4-6 7-5. She is through to the 3rd round, something she did not do last year. 

That's right, I just checked another wench trying to come for my wig at a major

That’s right, I just checked another wench trying to come for my wig at a major

I did not come this but it's hilarious nonetheless (SOURCH: https://40.media.tumblr.com/d67bba0dc8dd38702365ff661244000f/tumblr_nimhrvyZHp1tjtko9o1_1280.jpg)

I did not come up with this but it’s hilarious nonetheless (SOURCE: https://40.media.tumblr.com/d67bba0dc8dd38702365ff661244000f/tumblr_nimhrvyZHp1tjtko9o1_1280.jpg)

The other seeded players got through in relative ease. Bouchard (7) won in straight sets as did Simona Halep (3), Ekaterina Makarova (10) and Sara Errani (14), they all moved through to the 3rd round here in Melbourne looking to make that final push to get into the 2nd week of the major. They have all made it to the semis or better at all major but none of them have come close to winning one.

Simona Halep, Mrs. Koolaide

Simona Halep, Mrs. Koolaide

Meanwhile, the “upset queens” from Day 1 of Aussie Open did rather well in the 2nd round. They all came through with the exception of one. Lucie Hradecka who took out Ivanovic the Terrible in Round 1 won as did Julia Goerges, Caroline Garcia, Yaroslava Shvedova, Yanina Wickmayer, Irina-Carmila Begu and Carina Wittoeft. The one who lost was Kristina Mladenovic. Anyway, this will sure make for interesting things come the 2nd week of the major as several of these women will inevitably end up getting to the Round of 16 or better. As always, the Australian Open gives us a lot of Scrubs and Extras forcing their way from the backdrop into the forefront of the main stage. I cannot blame them. The money in Melbourne is really sweet and I for one will be fighting my hardest to get to the next round for a bigger pay day. No passive play from me if I were out there because 2nd round money is always more than 1st round and 3rd round is more than them combined.

Realz again, I don't know any of these people that you are talking about. Are you sure these women are real?

Realz again, I don’t know any of these people that you are talking about. Are you sure these women are real?

Anyway enough about all of that. Since we are so behind, let me get on with this and go bang out the other days! PLEASE DON’T FORGET TO COMMENT. I NEED THE SUPPORT 

#TeamHotties

Alexandra Panova may have lost but she is definitely a hottie in our book

Alexandra Panova may have lost but she is definitely a hottie in our book

Polona Hercog is hot and she got the tats to prove it!

Polona Hercog is hot and she got the tats to prove it!

I usually am pounding Carla saying how she needs to get it together BUT she gets an A+++ from me today. She's WERQING it in red, white and blue! Meanwhile, Garbine is looking like throw up fashioned into curtain material and then made into whatever horrible outfit she thinks looks good

I usually am pounding Carla saying how she needs to get it together BUT she gets an A+++ from me today. She’s WERQING it in red, white and blue! Meanwhile, Garbine is looking like throw up fashioned into curtain material and then made into whatever horrible outfit she thinks looks good

#TeamTooCute

I mean there is the potential for something awful to happen to this clearly unattended baby but what an adorable baby it is

I mean there is the potential for something awful to happen to this clearly unattended baby but what an adorable baby it is

#TeamTooSexy

Gorgeous Groth

Gorgeous Groth

Sexy Sam

Sexy Sam

HOTNESS DELICIOUSLY SQUARED

HOTNESS DELICIOUSLY SQUARED

We look so HOT together that I wanna clone myself so I can watch a threesome with us and Realz

We look so HOT together that I wanna clone myself so I can watch a threesome with us and Realz

Sweet Jojoba, you can take me just so long as you let me watch that action

Sweet Jojoba, you can take me just so long as you let me watch that action

Someone hose it down! It's getting too hot in here!

Someone hose it down! It’s getting too hot in here!

No bitch you can't have my number

No bitch you can’t have my number

But you have definitely have my sweaty dirty towel

But you have definitely have my sweaty dirty towel

#TeamNotties

She is really serious about making that face drawing so much attention to that fivehead? (Please note the Realz method of determining whether you have a forehead or a fivehead, if you place 4 fingers up to your forehead and there is still space between your hairline and your fingers, you got a FIVEHEAD! Ain't no shame about it, it is what it is!

She is really serious about making that face drawing so much attention to that fivehead? (Please note the Realz method of determining whether you have a forehead or a fivehead, if you place 4 fingers up to your forehead and there is still space between your hairline and your fingers, you got a FIVEHEAD! Ain’t no shame about it, it is what it is!

#icant even with this face looking like Mask

#icant even with this face looking like Mask

Need I say more ...

Need I say more …

Is Divadal hair?

From this angle

From this angle

And this way ...

And this way …

In motion ...

In motion …

Let's see what is happening on this side

Let’s see what is happening on this side

Rafael Nadal

I am seeing more sweat than hair

 

Up close

Up close

From the other side up close

From the other side up close

ARGHHH I am losing my hair!!! Help me please ROGAINE

ARGHHH I am losing my hair!!! Help me please ROGAINE

Even from space we can see this bald spot

Even from outer space we can see this bald spot

I gonna dry my hair gingerly or else I might lose the few strands that I have

Gurl I have to dry my hair gingerly or else I might lose the few strands that I have to this towel

Body Conscious

Lochness Murray has a lil treasure trail for you to follow

Lochness Murray has a lil treasure trail for you to follow

Grigor is giving you a lil hint

Grigor is giving you a lil hint

Divadal giving you a lil peep show

Divadal giving you a lil peep show

And then he's showing you the full 8 pack

And then he’s showing you the full 8 pack

Matosevic is offering a sneak preview

Matosevic is offering a sneak preview

Gasquet giving you that farmer's tan look

Gasquet giving you that farmer’s tan look

This man is giving you a full show

This man is giving you a full show

They are definitely perfect but I don't think we have the same ideas about what they're perfect for!

They are definitely perfect but I don’t think we have the same ideas about what they’re perfect for!

Mixed Bag Photos

I had to beat you, I couldn't stand to have that ugly outfit running around these parts ... I'll have my Nike peoples call your peoples to hook you up with something better

I had to beat you, I couldn’t stand to have that ugly outfit running around these parts … I’ll have my Nike peoples call your peoples to hook you up with something better

Just a lil constructive criticism here Bec Hewitt, your children's crayons and markers are not meant to be used as lipstick. Furthermore, that colour does not match your skin tone

Just a lil constructive criticism here Bec Hewitt, your children’s crayons and markers are not meant to be used as lipstick. Furthermore, that colour does not match your skin tone

So the Asshat is back at the tournament

So the Asshat is back at the tournament

What are you looking for? My breasts.

What are you looking for? Your breasts.

 

Why does my hand smell like balls?

Why does my hand smell like balls?

What do you mean why did I sign Jerzy Janowicz? That's my name. ... Wait what? You thought I was Herman Munster?

What do you mean why did I sign Jerzy Janowicz? That’s my name. … Wait what? You thought I was Herman Munster?

Yeah you look like him.

Yeah you look like him.

That Awkward Moment When

When you and your good girlfriend wore the same outfit to the same event and she wore it better.

When you and your good girlfriend wore the same outfit to the same event and she wore it better.

When the doctor says he wants to weigh your balls but he's doing it by feel

When the doctor says he wants to weigh your balls but he’s doing it by feel

When you realize you're the meat in an ugly man sandwich

When you realize you’re the meat in an ugly man sandwich

You realize the old hag in the middle thinks she's cute and you have to check her

You realize the old hag in the middle thinks she’s cute and you have to check her

Your dyslexia is on full display for the world to see

Your dyslexia is on full display for the world to see

You gay best friend set you up saying he'll do your makeup for free

Your gay best friend set you up saying he’ll do your makeup for free so all the boys would come your way

When too much twerking got your hips messed up

When too much twerking got your hips messed up

But the music so good that you have to be a basic thot and twerk on the floor

But the music so good that you have to be a basic thot and twerk on the dance floor

 

2015 Australian Open: Day 2 Back to Normalcy

In Uncategorized on January 20, 2015 at 1:32 pm

So Day 2 of the 2015 Australian Open was nowhere near as dramatic as yesterday though we did have several upsets and a few surprises.

Things were far more relaxed than they were on Day 1 even Milos was chillaxing

Things were far more relaxed than they were on Day 1 even Milos was chillaxing

On the women’s side, biggest surprise of the day for me was the relative ease by which Sam Stosur (20) got past Monica Niculescu. The Australian did not disappoint her home crowd as she took the match in straight sets 6-4 6-1. I half expected Niculescu to make a comeback at any point but fortunately for Sam, Monica was basically done after the 1st set.

YES I WON!!

YES I WON!!

Day 2 also featured what was supposed to be a headliner women’s match, Vickie Azarenka v Slowe Stephens. Unfortunately, this was a lot more hype than substance. Stephens has lost 2 years in a row v Azarenka and this year was no different really. They both came into the Aussie Open this year struggling with confidence, lurking low in the rankings and dealing with nagging injuries. However, it was hard to tell that with Azarenka as she was really moving well. Slowe was basically slow. She was not getting to the ball quickly enough and when she did get there, she did nothing with the ball. Vickie seized all the momentum and took the match 6-3 6-2. Stephens is just not there yet to be against the top level. Hopefully with her new coach she can get her life together and produce better tennis this year. 

This turned out to be a no contest for the most part

This turned out to be a no contest for the most part

Wozniacki (8) played a tricky opponent in the form of Taylor Townsend. There was the potential for this match to get interesting but Townsend could not hold up her end of the bargain. She was able to get the 1st set going and pushed it to a tiebreaker. However, the American only won a single point there. In the 2nd set, she had many opportunities, 8 break points for the entire match in fact but only able to convert once. Wozniacki therefore escaped unscathed 7-6(1) 6-2. I am again left disappointed with several of these young players; Townsend and Borna Coric to name a few, who are showing themselves capable of hanging with the top players BUT yet failing to take the great chances laid out in front of them to capitalize and push forward their careers.

This could have been complicated for Wozniacki but she pulled it together and made it through without much bother

This could have been complicated for Wozniacki but she pulled it together and made it through without much bother

Townsend had 34 unforced errors alone compared to 10 from Wozniacki; granted the American had 30 winners. However, many of those errors came at the most opportune times and also when she clearly had the momentum in her hand. To be quite frank, I am not sure if Townsend is getting the right stuff to help her develop. I have been watching her for quite some time and I have seen nothing different from when she was a junior. Her fitness has definitely improved and there is still ways to go but really her style of play and strategic operation all remain that of the Townsend that was dominating the junior rankings. Perhaps she might like to go spend some time with Divadal camp. In all seriousness, I think she is really attempting to play a style that is Divadalesque and also reminiscent of Martina Navratilova. Now there is a partnership I would love to see, Martina and Taylor. No shade to Zina Garrison for she has definitely helped Taylor and should continue to present in her tennis life.

ARGHHHHHH I can't believe I just play that shot. I could kill myself

ARGHHHHHH I can’t believe I just play that shot. I could kill myself

That face you make when you were so close yet so far away

That face you make when you were so close yet so far away and it was all your fault

Anyway let’s get to other news. The Williams Sisters, Serenanator (1) and Granny Vee (18) were both in action on some other court. Combined these two have 25 major singles titles yet the Aussie Open organizers see fit that be placed on some second to third tier court. Anywho we are not here for that right now. So Serenanator came through in semi-dominating fashion. She got rid of Alison VanUytvanck 6-0 6-4. This Belgian gurl had a fairly decent serve and was giving Serena fever in the 2nd set but ReRe got her life together in the last game of the set to eke out the break and take it in an hour.

Getting all pumped up to take her 6th Aussie Open crown

Getting all pumped up to take her 6th Aussie Open crown

Granny Vee was looking nice and fresh v Marie-Teresa Torro-Flor (I mean seriously, how can you have two hyphenated names?). I can’t even with this many names. I am so tempted to call her Total Floor and be done with it. Anyway, Venus came through 6-2 6-2 in 63 minutes if I am not mistaken. Again, Venus is getting away with playing too much behind the baseline and keep on finding herself in trouble there. She is only moving forward as a last resort when that should be her primary instinct. Nonetheless she is through to the 2nd round, something she did not do last year and I cannot be mad at that.

Granny Vee is all smiles with a comfortable win under her belt.

Granny Vee is all smiles with a comfortable win under her belt.

Petra is flowing this year

Petra is flowing this year

While we are on the subject of persons who lost last year in the 1st round, Petra Kvitova (4) is also looking to be in great form. She dismissed her opponent in thorough fashion 6-1 6-4. Last year’s finalist, Cibuttkova (11) overcame a poor showing in the 1st set to take out Kristen Flipkens 3-6 6-3 6-1 and get closer to defend her finalist points. Other seeded players who moved through the draw include Aga Bratzwanska (6), Lordlize Cornemort (19), Garbine Muguruza (24), Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (25), Elena Svitolina (26) Casey Dellacqua (29) and Varvara Lepchenko (30). They all moved through to the 2nd round in straight sets. In fact while yesterday saw many of the seeded players in the bottom half struggling to stick around, all of the top seeds in the top half who won today all did so without dropping a set. Actually that is not true, Cibuttkova dropped a set. My bad!

Aga Bratzwanska is through to the 2nd round

Aga Bratzwanska is through to the 2nd round

However, you know there always have to be some people who must be “different” and mess things up. Sure enough we had those today. There were three “upsets” so to speak of and they all came from the same area. The Nos. 12, 13 and 15 seeds got sent packing. Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) was bid arrivederci by fellow Italian Camila Giorgi. Giorgi was aggressive from the start but Pennetta was able to take the 1st set 6-4. Giorgi would not be denied and she came roaring back to take it 4-6 6-2 6-3. Giorgi almost lost the plot in the 3rd set as she struggled to close out the match. Nonetheless, she was able to get the win.

Giorgi. Unfortunately you cannot see the whole outfit and I think that might have to do with the fact that those shorts are so short and tight, one can see lips. Camila, that's way too much

Giorgi. Unfortunately you cannot see the whole outfit and I think that might have to do with the fact that those shorts are so short and tight, one can see lips. Camila, that’s way too much

Andrea Petkovic (13) had a similar problem where she won the 1st set and then found herself in a fight for her life thereafter. Actually Petkovic had the upperhand in the 2nd set but then things got complicated and then her life got ended. American Madison Brengle took the match 5-7 7-6(4) 6-3. And while we are on the subject of Brengle, she revealed in the presser that she will be having facial reconstruction surgery to remove a malignant mass in her jaw. I really wish her well. This type of situation is never pleasant in the least. I would like to take this opportunity to make a book suggestion, Autobiography of a Face by Lucy Grealy. It is an amazing read. It deals with a similar situation of facial surgery. Madison Brengle gurl, we don’t really know you in these parts but we wish you well.

Madison Brengle

Madison Brengle

Anyway, back to the tennis. So I really do not have anything against Pennetta nor Petkovic. However, I am glad they are gone because they were wearing the most ATROCIOUS tennis outfits this year around. They were GHASTLY. I just could not with them at all.

Absolutely foul fashion

Absolutely foul fashion

Look at this hot mess

Look at this hot mess

They even had Granny Goodness Date-Krumm in this mess

They even had Granny Goodness Date-Krumm in this mess! This is elderly abuse

Anyway, speaking of fashion faux pas, the other “upset” was Fivehead Jankovic (15) who is again on the path of struggle more. Jankovic was in 2013 very prominent in the top 10, now she is sinking in the rankings. She was up against Timea Bacsinszky who got to the finals of Shenzhen couple of weeks ago after beating Kvitova in the semifinals, so you know this gurl can hit a big ball. Anyway, Fivehead Jungle Witch did not put up much of a fight against the Swiss as she got dismissed 1-6 4-6. Heather Watson who recently won Hobart got sent back home by Tsvetana Pironkova also in straight sets. This is “kinda an upset” no?

I shouldn't have gone to that party last night .. arghhhh

I shouldn’t have gone to that party last night .. arghhhh

Let’s us deal with some more winners which included Vera Zvonareva who is now face Serena in the 2nd round, Daniela Hantuchova, American wild card Irina Falconi who beat dangerous floater Kaia Kanepi in 3 sets and also another American Coco Vandeweghe who sent Francesca Schiavone packing in straight sets. This is the 6 consecutive major that the 35-year-old 2010 French Open champ has lost in the 1st round. Granny Franny might be retiring soon.

So let us get to the menz:

Thanks for showing up at the Djoker Party now it's time for you to go! #bye

Thanks for showing up at the Djoker Party now it’s time for you to go! #bye

Again for the 2nd day, the top men produced a somewhat solid overall performance. Djoker Harlequeen (1) won in straight sets 6-3 6-2 6-4 over Aljaz Bedene. Defending champion Stanley Wawrinka (4) was also in stellar form with a quick 6-1 6-4 6-2 win over Marsel Ilhan. Kei Horsikori (5) had his hands full for a bit against Nicolas Almagro who is making his comeback after long term injury. Horsikori won 6-4 7-6(1) 6-2. Almagro played a great match and hopefully he gets his life together for the rest of the season. I would so hate to see him get triple bagelled by Divadal at the French Open. He needs to be ready to win at least 5 games in Paris v Lord Clay Divadal.

I am here to defend my title

I am here to defend my title

Speaking of Spaniards and Divadal’s pigeons, they were all for the most part making quite a meal of their matches. Fake Fire Ferrer (9) dropped the 1st set to Thomaz Bellucci but he charged right back and took it in 4, 6-7 6-2 6-0 6-3. FeFe Lopez (12) near had his life ended as he saved 3 match points against wild card entrant Denis Kudla of the US. However, Lopez relied upon experience and some gutsy play to take it 3-6 6-2 4-6 6-2 10-8. Roberto Bautista-Agut (13) was near a 5th set against Dominic Thiem but again inexperience from a youngster led to their downfall. Bautista-Agut took it 4-6 6-2 6-3 7-6. Tabasco Verdasco (31) bad a bit of trouble getting passed James Ward but again his veteran status saw him through to the end and the 2nd round 2-6 6-0 7-6 6-3.

FeFe Lopez just in case you like them a lil rough and rugged

FeFe Lopez just in case you like them a lil rough and rugged

I want to take this moment to talk about two of the ATP more “interesting” players; Milos Raonic (8) and Beetlejuice Monfils (17). I say interesting based on the fact that they are both immensely talented players but they get into the habit of wasting time on court and then when they get to the big matches, they struggle and fail terribly. Now I do not know about you but there is no reason for Raonic to be finding it difficult to break the serve of Illya Marchenko, some qualifier scrub. Seriously, Raonic only broke this guy ONCE in the entire match to take it 7-6 7-6 6-3. This is foolishness. Raonic needs to get a return game in his life or he is going to take the path of the Mark Philippoussis, the Ivo Karlovic and the Andy Roddick without a major win. Not being able to break serve at the top level is a problem buddy and you need to get that straighten out right away.

Beetlejuice is back to struggling in the early stages of a major

Beetlejuice is back to struggling in the early stages of a major

As for Monfils what more can one say. At the US Open, he played some of his most inspired tennis. Now here in Melbourne, he is back to playing 5 set matches in the 1st round. Why? I have no idea. Monfils had to come back from 0-2 against his compatriot Lucas Pouille 6-7 3-6 6-4 6-1 6-4. This is ridiculous. Monfils needs to go back to tennis school or something and be thought the basics of what it takes to be a major champion because I am getting the impression that he is content to play supporting cast for his entire career. I mean this might be cute for now but tennis history is littered with many extras and wingmans. Monfils is capable of winning a major especially if Wawrinka and Cilic are in possession of one; that’s all I am say. No shade, No T!

That was cute Realz ... trying to be all shady and what not

That was cute Realz … trying to be all shady and what not

In regards to other winners, we have BFG Mountain Troll Isner (19) winning in straight sets and will join fellow Americans Donald Young and Steven Johnson in the 2nd round. Yeah I know, Donald Young actually won a match on tour. Not so lucky for the American was Sam Querrey who got ousted by Canadian Vasek Pospisil or as I like to call him Popsicle. Jerzy Janowicz benefitted greatly from the fact that Del Potro pulled out just before the start of the tournament handing him a near dwarf (in terms of tennis) as his opponent. However, Janowicz still struggled but got through in 4 sets.

Perhaps I should have gone with basketball because that's the only way I am ever going to slamdunk a match

Perhaps I should have gone with basketball because that’s the only way I am ever going to slamdunk a match

Four top seeded players lost their bids to get out of the 1st round: Fabio Pignini (16) will join his girlfriend Penne Pasta Pennetta on the sidelines as he was also dismissed. He lost to Colombian Alejandro Gonzalez in 4 sets. Alexandra Dolgopolov (21) aka BWLLAGWLLAB (Boy Who Looks Like a Girl Who Looks Like a Boy) lost to Italian Paolo Lorenzi in straight sets. I mean seriously, BWLLAGWLLAB does not want to be a tennis player. Julie Benneteau (25) lost in 4 sets to German Benjamin Becker and Pablo Cuevas (27) lost to Matthias Bachinger, a qualifier. However, I am not sure how to feel about Cuevas loss because I really do not know who he is to feel anyway about it.

I almost forgot to mention that Giles Simon (18) won his match as did Lleyton Hewitt. However, it seems like Australia is getting excited for the man as he struggled through his 1st round match in 4 sets against Ze Zhang (I have no idea who he is). Is that even news? 

Tomorrow or today depending on how you look at it and where you are, will see 2nd round action with both the bottom halves of the draws. So we will see Divadal, Mr. Federer, Martha Shriekapova, Simona Halep, Lochness Murray and Dimitrov in action to name a few. 

#TeamHotties

Both better to start off today's hotties list with a double scooping of goodness right here!

Both better to start off today’s hotties list with a double scooping of goodness right here!

I don't even know his name but he can get it ... actually I think he's Lucas Pouille of France OUI OUI OUI

I don’t even know his name but he can get it … actually I think he’s Lucas Pouille of France OUI OUI OUI

Popsicle ... all creamy and sweaty :-)

Popsicle … all creamy and sweaty 🙂

Bedene

Bedene

Another Frenchie Simon ... he can work if one in a pinch

Another Frenchie Simon … he can work if one in a pinch

Nicky Almagro ... what can you say but MUY CALIENTE

Nicky Almagro … what can you say but MUY CALIENTE

Another Spaniard, Pablo Carreno-Busta SI SI SI SI SI

Another Spaniard, Pablo Carreno-Busta SI SI SI SI SI

Illya Marchenko can march straight to any boudoir he wants

Illya Marchenko can march straight to any boudoir he wants

Slowe is giving you fever right here! Sheer beauty

Slowe is giving you fever right here! Sheer beauty

I mean her name is Cibuttkova for a reason but that face is everything also

I mean her name is Cibuttkova for a reason but that face is everything also

You cannot beat Vickie in the looks department at all

You cannot beat Vickie in the looks department at all

#TeamNotties

You know Beetlejuice is a resident of #teamnottie all day long

You know Beetlejuice is a resident of #teamnottie all day long

I am sorry, she might be a nice girl and all but that face be a lil horsey for my liking

I am sorry, she might be a nice girl and all but that face be a lil horsey for my liking

The UnbeWeaveable Saga of Serena Williams She gotta be traveling with as much weaves as racquets

This was Serena in Perth

This was Serena in Perth

This was Serena on the practice courts of Melbourne

This was Serena on the practice courts of Melbourne

This was Serena at the press conference in Melbourne

This was Serena at the press conference in Melbourne

Now this is Serena on court

Now this is Serena on court

#TreasureChests

Giving you sexy pose is Kei

Giving you sexy pose is Kei

Huh? Are you checking me out?

Huh? Are you checking me out?

Wait my back ... hahaha I am not Divadal

Wait my back … hahaha I am not Divadal

I am just gonna slowly put on my shirt

I am just gonna slowly put on my shirt

Mixed Bag Photos

I wonder if he's not afraid he's gonna bite off his tongue one of these days

I wonder if he’s not afraid he’s gonna bite off his tongue one of these days

So wait, even scrubs be bringing purses to court these day?

So wait, even scrubs be bringing purses to court these day?

Wait, is Divadal here? I thought someone said he was here. He not here no more. Well I am here

Wait, is Divadal here? I thought someone said he was here. He not here no more. Well I am here

I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT HERE and something tells me that I do not want to know

I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT HERE and something tells me that I do not want to know

Where do we begin with these pants?

Where do we begin with these pants?

Why is Fabio wearing a screensaver?

Why is Fabio wearing a screensaver?

Verdasco you know better than to wear this?

Verdasco you know better than to wear this?

Sweetie you might not be aware of this but right now, your man is thinking, "My makeup is better than yours" and gurl that's a problem

Sweetie you might not be aware of this but right now, your man is thinking, “My makeup is better than yours” and gurl that’s a problem

What do you mean you don't know who I am? I am Martin Klizan No. 32 seed here. No I don't hang out with Djokovic and I cannot get you his autograph. Where's your parent? You're bugging me right now.

What do you mean you don’t know who I am? I am Martin Klizan No. 32 seed here. No I don’t hang out with Djokovic and I cannot get you his autograph. Where’s your parent? You’re bugging me right now.

Is he wearing an asshat? Hmmm

Is he wearing an asshat? Hmmm

2015 Australian Open: Day 1 of Horrors!

In Ana Ivanovic, Andreas Seppi, Andy Murray, Angelique Kerber, Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Borna Coric, Carla Suarez Narravo, Christina McHale, David Goffin, Dustin Brown, Ekaterina Makarova, Eugenie Bouchard, Fernando Verdasco, Genie Bouchard, Grigor Dimitrov, Jiri Vesely, Juan Monaco, Kei Nishikori, Maria Sharapova, Mikhail Youzhny, Na Li, Nick Kyrgios, Petra Kvitova, Philipp Kohlschreiber, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roberta Vinci, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Simona Halep, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Robredo, Yaroslava Shevedova on January 19, 2015 at 6:54 pm
Hey y'all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open.  I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don't get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

Hey y’all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open. I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don’t get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

So the 2015 Australian Open has officially begun! And boy or gurl or lady depending on who you are, was it an explosive first day, particularly on the women’s side. It was as though a cyclone or something ripped through the draw as the top seeds were being scattered left, right and center. These female underlings were gunning for the top seeds and trying to get that 2nd round money because it is definitely more than the cheque for the 1st round. Things were so massive that we do not even have time to chit chat, we have to go right to main story! 

Of the 16 seeded players from the bottom half who took to court to play their 1st round matches, EIGHT of them lost. That’s right, 8/16, half of them, 50% of them were sent packing; dismissed; bid adieu; arrivederci or as they say in Australia, goodbye! It was amazing and shocking to a certain extent and I have seen a lot of tennis. I mean granted that several of them were not really surprises or upsets in my book. However, the sheer magnitude of the fallout was too epic to go unnoticed.

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN'S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN’S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

So let’s look at the damage done. The highest seed to fall was Ana Ivanovic (5) aka Ivanovic the Terrible. Now Ana took on Lucie Hradecka (pronounced Herdeskka, I know but it is Czech if I am not mistaken) Anyway, Ana was cruising 6-1 in the 1st set and I swore she was going to sail through this match. However, we all know how Ivanovic the Terrible be showing up and wrecking Ana’s life and sure enough out came doppelganger. Ana’s ball toss was all over the place for the serve. She was stretching like it was Pilates class out there and Hradecka was enjoying the free points and nice cracks at the silly serves. Hradecka then wrapped up the match 1-6 6-3 6-2! Needless to say that Ana tried to stall things by going up to the chair umpire several times mid-game. She can never lose gracefully #checkyourpressuregurl

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please!

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please! Get out of my head!

After Ana was sent home, then came Carebear Kerber (9) who was off kilter from the beginning of the match v Irina-Camelia Begu. Begu was serious about the upset from the very start. She got the early breaks and though Kerber broke back, Begu was undeterred as she took the 1st set 6-4. Begu got broken early in the 2nd set and decided smartly I guess to tank the set altogether. She did enough to make Angie work for it and gave away the set at love. However, in the 3rd set, she unleashed her reserves and Angie was left scrambling at the back of the court. She returned the kindness of the bagel from Angie with a breadstick for the German. Begu bagged the upset win 6-4 0-6 6-1.

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Two other big upsets were Lucie Safarova (16) aka Lady Gollum and Carla Suarez-Navarro (17). Safarova can be a dangerous floater but it seemed that she drew another dangerous floater in the form of Yaroslava Shvedova for a 1st round match. Shevedova came out inspired to score the upset on the 1st day and succeeded as she dismissed the Czech 6-4 2-6 8-6. Carla was just disappointing all around. She did not even put up much of a fight as some Carina Witthoeft took her out 3-6 1-6. To be honest I am not even going to shed any tears for Carla because I will never forget that Aussie Open 2009 when she took out Granny Vee in the 2nd round.

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Two veteran players, Svetlana Kuznetsova (27) aka Kuzi-Rex and Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki, got outplayed by two French women, Caroline Garcia and Kristina Mladenovic respectively. Kuzi-Rex was just not in the game at all. She allowed Garcia to take the upperhand in the match from the jump and only broke her in order to save face. Garcia nonetheless got the win 6-4 6-2. Mladenovic had a tougher time against Lose-sicki as she dropped the opening set 4-6. However, after trading breaks early in the 2nd set, Mladenovic consolidated finally and kept on holding to take the match 4-6 6-4 6-2.

I don't know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

I don’t know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

The final two of the top seeds to get bounced are not really upsets in my book but by virtue of the rankings, they do register as “upsets”. Julia Goerges played a great match from start to finish to take out Belinda Bencic (32) in straight sets 6-2 6-1 and Yanina Wickmayer steadied herself after losing the opening set 4-6 to knock out Anastasia Fattychunkova (23) 4-6 6-3 6-3. And like I said, although we have to call these upsets because of the rankings, it is really not that serious. Bencic and Fattychunkova were not going to do anything anyway.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey I don't lose to scrubs in early round of majors.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey (head of the WTA) I don’t lose to scrubs in early round of majors. That’s Serena. Don’t get it twisted!

Well not that we took care of the “big losers” we can talk about the “big winners”. Martha Shriekapova (2) and Simona Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide were both looking rusty as hell in their opening round matches. Neither was in danger of losing the match. However, perhaps if they were playing a more seasoned opponent, things could have been interesting. Nonetheless, they both won their matches in straight sets and through to the 2nd round. Martha 6-4 6-1 over Petra Martic and Halep 6-3 6-2 over Karin Knapp.

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Genie Bouchard (7) who has to defend her semifinal points from last year, is one step closer as she took out Anna-Lena Friedsam 6-2 6-4. I am not sure she will get back to the semis but she as hell did not lose in the 1st round so good of her. Another winner is Ekaterina Makarova (10) [I do not even realize she was ranked so high on the charts]. Anyway Makarova took out An-Sophie (I mean seriously that is her name) Mestach 6-2 6-2. Sara Errani (14) dismantled American Grace Min 6-1 6-0 in less than an hour.

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn't fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn’t fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life! And congrats on the win!

Other notable winners include 2014 US Open semifinalist Shuai Peng (21) and Pliskova (22) both won in straight sets. Zarina Diyas (31) took out Aga Lite aka Urszula Radwanska in 3 sets. Roberta Vinci beat Bojana Jovanovski in straight sets as Bethanie Mattek-Sands overcame her opponent Ying-Ying Duan in 3 sets. American Christina McFail was near the exit when she had an opportune bout of nausea resulting in a Medical Time Out. Of course she recovered in time to hold serve like a boss against Frenchwoman Stephanie Foretz. McFail got her act together to win the match 12-10 in the final set. Again these ladies resorting to tricks whenever their backs are up against the wall! These trainers should have to give a full report upon each visit to the court and if the illness is not “real and/or possible” the player has to pay a fine. They are getting too ridiculous with these MTOs now.

That was a great read Realz

That was a great read Realz

On the men’s side, things were far more copacetic than it was on the women’s side. In fact, I think there was only 1 major casualty and again if we look at the big picture, it was no real surprise. However, let’s deal with the usual suspects first.

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair .. or at least whatever is left of it

Divadal may try telling the world that he is not a favourite for this Aussie Open title, but like all things coming out of Divadal’s mouth regarding his health and fitness, it is a lie straight from the pit of tennis hell. Divadal (3) came out against Mikhail Youzhny on fire. Youzhny who is no real slouch most of the times, really had no answer against the Spaniard. Divadal was hitting winners from all over the court in the most impossible and improbable positions. The commentators from both ESPN and EuroSport were beside themselves. It was a circle jerk at times how they were fawning over Divadal. They talked about how his shorts were “the shortest ever”, they talked about how they “missed him so much” and even about this look and body. It was too much. Anyway, Divadal is through 6-3 6-2 6-2.

I am back and don't none of you bitches forget that!

I am back to full force and don’t none of you bitches forget that!

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer (2) again appears on target to extend his 11-year run to the Aussie Open semifinal or better stage. He took out Yen-Hsun Lu in straight sets 6-4 6-2 7-5. Lochness Murray (6) made a meal of his match against Yuki Bhambri but in the end he won in straight sets 6-3 6-4 7-6(3). Berdshite (7) also made life a bit difficult for himself against Alejandro Falla but he still got the job done in 3 sets, 6-3 7-6(1) 6-3. Grigor Dimitrov (10) aka Martha’s Bulgarian handbag had an easy day at the office when he took out German-Jamaican Dusty Brown 6-2 6-3 6-2. The worst part of the matter was that Dusty Brown thought he was going to factor in this match. He at one point appeared as though he was trying to do something of interest on the court. Thankfully Dimitrov got his clutch together and snapped those foolish desires away.

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Other winners included Kevin Anderson (14) who at 6’8” (2.03m) took on an opponent more than a foot beneath him, Diego Schwartzman who is 5’7” (1.7m). Anderson still had to fight for his life as Schwartzman was digging at his heels. Anderson took the match in 4 sets. David Goffin (20) aka the Hobbit also won in 4 sets over American Mike Russell. Most of the top seeds won their matches in straight sets including Philipp Kohlschreiber (22), Ivo Karlovic (23), Richard Gasquet (24), Leonardo Mayer (26) and Martin Klizan (32). Lukas Rosol (28) who at 6’5” (1.96m) had the rare opponent whose face he had to look up to see, Kenny DeScheppers, 6’8” (2.03m). It was a virtual battle of the giants. However, Rosol eked out the win in 5 sets to advance to the 2nd round. A possible 3rd round encounter with Divadal looms in the draw if both players can win their next match.

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

There were several matches with winners that should be of some interests to some people. Lukas Lacko, Jurgen Melzer and Viktor Troicki were all winners on Day 1. Melzer came through from qualification showing  some Q3 (final round) heroics on the court. So good of him to come back from the brink of defeat in the qualies  and win a maindraw match to make some 2nd round money. Troicki who won Sydney this past weekend faced the winner from Auckland, Jiri Vesely. Unfortunately, someone had to go home and it was Vesely in 4 sets. Jeremy Chardy (29) escaped a youthful Borna Coric who seemed to have thought that enthusiasm made up for experience. Coric took the 1st set but then played the big points poorly for the rest of the match. Chardy thus capitalized on his inexperience to take the match in 4 sets.

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major. He made life very easy for Chardy. Nonetheless, the 18-year is still HOT

Another interesting result is that of Andreas Seppi v Denis Istomin. This first round encounter was their 5th meeting at a major and in each of the 4 previous matches, they all went the distance. They both won 2 matches a piece. This 5th match was no different as it again went to a decisive 5th set. Seppi won it this time around and moved through to the 2nd round. In other news and more so from the rumour mill, Divadal’s boo, Juan Monaco, Pico, lost to Italian Simone Bollelli. Please note that the rumour is not that Monaco lost but the fact that he is Divadal’s boo.

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic?

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic? I thought you said I shouldn’t go after stupid boys

As we are in Australia at the Australian Open, I think it prudent that we note the achievements of the Aussie men because we all know that the Aussie ladies be a mess in Melbourne. Several of the local favourites extended their stay in Melbourne including the hotness that is Sam Groth. So happy he is sticking around some more. Marinko Matosevic and James Duckworth also won and will play in the 2nd round. Bernard Tomic aka Tampomic was in a bit of trouble against Tobias Kamke of Germany but it seems that Kamke was merely wasting time. He had difficulty holding onto any of the leads that he had and eventually got sweeped aside in 4 sets.

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st "major" seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st “major” seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Now there were two other matches which produced a lot of joy and excitement for the local crowd. Thanasi Kokkinakis and fellow Greek-Aussie Nick Kyrgios aka St. Nicky Kripsy Kringles both won tough 5-set matches. Kokkinakis took out Ernests Gulbis (11). I know Gulbis would not disappoint me by being disappointing in this opening round match. I have no idea why Gulbis lost this match other than to say that it was his entire entire fault. Kokkinaskis took it 5-7 6-0 1-6 7-6(2) 8-6. Krispy Kringles had his own dramatics calling out the trainer to deal with his “back”. He was struggling against Frederico Delbonis (the name sounds familiar but I do not know who he is either). Anyway, Kringles won 7-6(2) 3-6 6-3 6-7 6-3.

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

Anyway, that is enough about the matches! We look forward to Day 2. I hope it is nowhere near as crazy as this first day. That is to say, I hope the Williams Sisters do not lose. They have signed up for doubles and I have no idea why Granny Vee is adding more work to her schedule considering that she has Sjogren but you know I am not even going to touch this right now. Don’t forget that Slowe Stephens v Vickie is slated! Should be a very interesting match to say the least! Anyway fanz enjoy the posting and DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT!!

BIG PICTURE MIXED BAG IS BACK

I am so excited that this is back!!

I am so excited that this is back!!

 #TeamHotties

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Dimitrov, Grigor|atpd875

Grigor’s stock have gone down as of late especially since he’s playing “house” with Martha but he can still get it.

2015+Australian+Open+Day+1+wdkuFbCGS3Rl

Andreas Seppi isn’t looking at his best but he cannot get any worst! This Italian sausage is a sure bet on #teamcandefinitelygetit

f_190115_nadalferrer_11

We are not here for Divadal. He is just giving Fake Fire Ferrer more shine!

Off+Court+2015+Australian+Open+nKlV6pLaFsOl

Tabasco Verdasco has definitely sen better days but he is still able to make the rounds as a resident hottie in these parts

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

#TeamCutie

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

#TeamNottie

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you're a grown man

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you’re a grown man

See he could be on #teamhottie

See he could be on #teamhottie

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

I don't know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I don’t know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she's definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she’s definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

Am I wrong?

Am I wrong?

MIXED BAG PHOTOS

There is nothing I love more than when Tennis Players meet for an event. Here we have the IMG Agency party and so much goodies here for Realz to get it. 

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my list of my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He's a nightmare right about now

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He’s a nightmare right about now! He has definitely been traded

Look at Heather. I don't get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain't cute!

Look at Heather. I don’t get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain’t cute! And let’s talk about that dress. That’s some avant garde upholstery fabric sewed together with some old pleather jacket and you trying to pass it off as fashion. #Gurlbye

I can't even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better

I can’t even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. The clothes are cute but she is not making them work. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better. Meanwhile, I don’t know why the front of the jeans are bunching up like there is extra junk in that compartment. That was not a read, just being realz! #truthdotcom

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can't get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that.

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can’t get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that. 

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend said, gurl let's go to this party, just put on some shoes. So Genie just stuck her top into her pants and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. The gurl on the right killed it!

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend (cause no way in hell a good friend let this happen) said, gurl let’s go to this party down the block, just put on some shoes and let’s go. So Genie just stuck her nightgown top into this pajama bottom shorts and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. Guess Again! The gurl on the right, Tomlijanovic, killed it!

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she's wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she's 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there's no baby.

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a style team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she’s wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. But I can’t even be mad at the kitten heels because everything else is so RIGHT!!Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she’s 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there’s no baby.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don't need those fake ones anymore.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don’t need those fake ones anymore that I have at home.

Weather Problem? 

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne or so I thought …

So why are these people wearing this? That's a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

So why are these people wearing this? That’s a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

It’s just a gay ole time in Melbourne 

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Then we have the "Genie Army" but what I don't get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

Then we have the “Genie Army” but what I don’t get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He's relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that's his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don't think Uncle Toné approves of this message

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He’s relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that’s his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don’t think Uncle Toné approves of this message

 

2015 Australian Open: Womenz Preview

In Agnes Radwanska, Alize Cornet, Ana Ivanovic, Andrea Petkovic, Angelique Kerber, Australian Open, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Dominika Cibulkova, Ekaterina Makarova, Eugenie Bouchard, Flavia Pennetta, Genie Bouchard, Lindsay Davenport, Maria Sharapova, Na Li, Petra Kvitova, Sabine Lisicki, Sam Stosur, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Simona Halep, Slaone Stephens, Tennis, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on January 18, 2015 at 3:23 pm
I am so happy to not be out there in the hot sun this year!

I am so happy to not be out there in the hot sun this year!

The Womenz Draw should be very interesting this year. For first time in a good while, Serena Williams is not the name of the favourite to win this tournament. Mind you, that is not to say that people are discounting the American. No, far from it. They simply think there might be others willing and capable of taking this major crown. In fact, Williams despite being the 5-time Australian champion is less favoured over Simona Halep (3) who apparently many feel is the sure bet winner. I am as confused by this as you are. I really cannot offer any real reason behind this logic other than to say since Halep is one of the 128 women signed up in the main draw, she, like each of the other 127 women do stand a chance of winning the title. That is the best I can do with this information.  

Someone tell ReRe that she is gonna need a hair net because I ain't trying to eat none of that hair in my cake

Someone tell ReRe that she is gonna need a hair net because I ain’t trying to eat none of that hair in my cake. (I am gonna pretend like I didn’t see those hair edges looking like a seaside cliff all rough and rocky)

Anyway, this 2015 season is just over 2 weeks old and there have been many oddities. Serena did not play a real tournament coming into the major as she has done in recent years. She was the two-time defending champion in Brisbane but she opted not to play that tournament for Hopman Cup, a mixed exhibition tournament. She made it to the finals with partner John Isner having struggled all the way there. Serenanator was well off her game though many say not to read much into this. Nonetheless, she got bagelled by Penne Pasta Pennetta, Bouchard clocked and snatched her wig winning in straight sets 6-1 6-2 or something like that and then struggled past Safarova. In the finals v Bratzwanska she was messy like a public bathroom. Again, one should not read much into this they say. I for one think that a Serena going into the Aussie Open full of confidence makes for a problematic Serena. Last three years 2012-2014, she was the heavy favourite and each year saw the American leaving Melbourne empty-handed. Hopefully this year brings greater fortune.

Serena didn't come this year and I finally got the Brisbane title

Serena didn’t come this year and I finally got the Brisbane title

In her absence, Martha (2) picked up the Brisbane title seeing as she lost to Serena there the last two years. Anyway, Shriekapova avenged her Cincinnati loss to Ivanovic the Terrible (5) in the final. Martha, the 3-time finalist and 2008 Champion is definitely looking to pick up another Aussie title. Simona Halep like I said is also inexplicably in my book, garnering a lot of attention. Many feel that she can take the crown here. She won a title in Shenzhen and then signed up to play Sydney. She pulled out thankfully citing injury. I do not understand why Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug thinks she has to play week in and week out. It is just not that serious.

Simona Halep aka Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug with her Shenzhen trophy

Simona Halep aka Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug with her Shenzhen trophy

GHW Kvitova with her Sydney trophy

GHW Kvitova with her Sydney trophy

Who eventually won Sydney was GHW Kvitova (4) who lost to some Bascinzsky girl in straight sets in Shenzhen in the first week. I do not understand how that happened myself but I saw the match so I can tell you with much certainty that it did happen for real. So Kvitova is coming into a major having played two weeks of tennis. I am not her coach so again I am clueless as to logic behind this bit of madness. Look I am not trying to shade Petra here or anything like that but I have this slight observation. Petra be playing so much tennis yet she is not the fittest lady on tour. I do not get this but clearly it is not for me to get.

Granny Vee with her Auckland trophy and moist hairdo

Granny Vee with her Auckland trophy and moist hairdo

Anyway, while we are on the subject of fitness, spare me a moment of your time to talk about Ebony Starr aka Granny Vee aka Venus Williams (18). Venus returned to Auckland this year having lost in last year’s final and again made a very decisive run this year to take the title. She faced her sister’s supposed BFF Caroline Woz aka Danish Biscuit (8) for the title. Venus who has never lost to the Dane was en pointe after dropping the opening set. So Granny Vee is also coming into this tournament with a lot of steam behind her name. Meanwhile, Agatha aka Bratzwanska (6) got herself a new coach, the one and only Martina Navratilova. So a lot of buzz is behind Agatha now because the perennial bridesmaid is looking to finally be the bride and win a major. Martina thinks she can do this. I have my doubts about this. Anyhow, so Aga beat Serena at the exhibition and the ESPN cronies were beside themselves; “It’s the Martina influence!” Then Agatha went to a real tournament and lost her opening match. Is this Martina again? I just sipped my tea because if I say something people will say I am a hater. So I am going to keep quiet on this matter.

sips-tea-meme-honey-boo-boo

Anyway, in other really big news on the women’s side is the fact that the number 1 ranking is up for grabs amongst Serenanator, Shriekapova, Koolaide Jug and GHW (Grand High Witch. I am not being mean here at but sometimes Petra be reminding me of Anjelica Huston from The Witches. Check it out and comment below if you agree and/or disagree). Anyway, the top 4 ladies all have a chance to be number 1 depending on how far they each go and how well the others do.

Wait what? We can all be Number 1 at the end of this week? NO only the Top 4 and just in case you're unclear about this Caro, that means, ReRe, Martha, Simona and Petra!

Wait what? We can all be Number 1 at the end of this week? NO only the Top 4 and just in case you’re unclear about this Caro, that means, ReRe, Martha, Simona and Petra! Because some of you look like you can’t count … No shade Genie

Let’s get to the main reason why we are here: the Draw Breakdown. Like the menz, we will be doing the same thing; breaking down the main draw into halves, then quarters and finally eighths.

2015 Australian Open Top Womenz Seeds

Top Half

Bottom Half

1. Serena Williams (Serenanator/ReRe) 2. Maria Sharapova (Martha/Shriekapova)
4. Petra Kvitova (Grand High Witch) 3. Simona Halep (Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug)
6. Agnieszka Radwanska (Agatha/Bratzwanska) 5. Ana Ivanovic (Ivanovic the Terrible)
8. Caroline Wozniacki (Danish Biscuit) 7. Genie Bouchard (Nothing has stick yet)
11. Dominika Cibulkova (Cibuttkova) 9. Angelique Kerber (Angie/Carebear Kerber)
12. Flavia Pennetta (Penne Pasta Pennetta) 10. Ekaterina Makarova (Not worthy)
13. Andrea Petkovic (Not worthy) 14. Sara Errani (Alien v Predator/ETranni)
15. Jelena Jankovic (Fivehead Jungle Witch) 16.  Lucie Safarova (Lady Gollum)
18. Venus Williams (Granny Vee/Ebony Starr) 17. Carla Suarez-Navarro (Nothing has stick yet)
19. Alizé Cornet (Lordlize Cornemort) 21. Shuai Peng (Not worthy)
20. Sam Stosur (D’Stove) 22. Karolina Pliskova (Not worthy)
24. Garbine Muguruza (Not worthy) 23. Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (Fattychunkova)
25. Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (Not worthy) 27. Svetlana Kuznetsova (Kuzi-Rexi)
26. Elina Svitolina (Not worthy) 28. Sabine Lisicki (Lose-sicki)
29. Casey Dellacqua (Not worthy) 31. Zarina Diyas (Not worthy)
30. Varvara Lepchenko (Not worthy) 32. Belinda Bencic (Not worthy)

 *Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person!
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

Serenanator (1) v GHW Kvitova (4) Top Half

Should they reach they both reach the semis, it should be an interesting match

Should they reach they both reach the semis, it should be an interesting match

Serenanator (1) v Danish Biscuit (8) Quarter

You best get your life together because you know everyone is gunning to take you out

You best get your life together because you know everyone is gunning to take you out

Serena’s Section Eighth: At the end of the day, it has to be said that the only real bother that Serenanator has is herself. She is quite capable of decimating the entire field without a pause. She is really that good. However, as has been quite evident in her career, she allows herself to get in the way of herself (if that makes any kinda sense to you). Serena’s B game and/or C game is still capable of beating most of the tour. The thing is that, at majors, many of these women are no longer allowing her to get away with an average performance. Serena herself admitted last Wimbledon that she has to come out blazing because there are girls/women out there who come into a tournament just to play that one match of a lifetime to beat her and then get dismissed the next day. She knows that if she wants to win majors, it will require two weeks of focus, determination and great tennis.

Thank heavens we are seeing no more blonde Remi weave

Thank heavens we are seeing no more blonde Remi weave

With that said, the American should get to the 4th round no problemo! Svitolina (26) an up and coming Ukrainian is her potential 3rd round opponent but I see Serena getting past her without much of a headache. However, we thought that this would have been the case at Wimbledon and the French Open last year and Serena did not get out of the 3rd round of either of those tournaments. And speaking of those tournament, both Lordlize Cornemort (19) [beat her in the 3rd round of Wimbledon] and Garbine Muguruza (24) [beat her in the 2nd round of the French Open] are in this quarter. Serena may face Muguruza in the 4th round if the Spaniard takes out Fivehead Jankovic (15) in the 3rd round. Serena will only face Cornemort if the Frenchwoman can get to the quarterfinals; something she has yet to do in her 35 previous appearances at majors.

Do I look bothered by the fact that Muguruza and Cornemort as in my section of the draw? No really do I look bothered because I am not sure if I am at all.

Do I look bothered by the fact that Muguruza and Cornemort as in my section of the draw? No really do I look bothered because I am not sure if I am at all.

Woz is desperately looking for her 1st major title

Woz is desperately looking for her 1st major title

Danish Biscuit’s Section Eighth: This is a rather interesting section as Woz opens her campaign for her 1st ever major title facing young American Taylor Townsend who might be going places in the world of tennis. Nothing would be better for the American than a solid win over a top ranked player. Nonetheless, I think Woz will win this. The really interesting thing about this section is that the 2nd round opponent for Woz could be 2-time Aussie Open champion, Vickie Azarenka. Vickie is coming off injury and has virtually missed an entire year, so her rankings are not where they could be. Vickie will face Slowe Stephens in the 1st round, a re-match of 2013 semifinals and 2014 4th round here in Melbourne. This is a MUST SEE MATCH I think. So Woz has a lot of dangerous floaters in her part including Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (25) in the 3rd round and either Cornemort (19) or last year’s finalist Cibuttkova (11) in the Round of 16. After getting past all this, Woz might face Serena for a chance to play the semis. She is basically in a mind field; so many potential places for it to all blow up in her face.

2-time champion here in Melbourne is also desperate to find her winning form coming back from injury

2-time champion here in Melbourne is also desperate to find her winning form coming back from injury

GHW Kvitova (4) v Aga Bratzwanska (6) Quarter

Poor Petra does not do well in the heat

Poor Petra does not do well in the heat

GHW Kvitova’s Section Eighth: I honestly expect Kvitova to get to the 4th round without any problems. Anything less than that, she deserves scorn and mockery. It is time that the 2-time Wimbledon champion stop losing to no-namers all over the place and struggling through “epic 3-set matches”. American Madison Keys has recently added the services of 2000 Aussie Open champion Lindsay Davenport to her camp. Hopefully this helps the young American be more reliable in matches. She will have to get by Kvitova in the 3rd round though and that will be a true measure of things. Someone to watch in this section is Andrea Petkovic (13) who has a real shot of getting to the 4th round here looking at the draw. Someone to not watch is Sam Stosur (20) who I am sure will go out in the 1st round. D’Stove is incapable of winning in her home country. I swear even if you write D’Stove in the final, she would find a way of losing in the semifinals. It is like she is allergic to the home crowd support. So like I said, it is Kvitova’s section to win or lose. She should be in the quarters.

Madison Keys and Lindsay Davenport

Madison Keys and Lindsay Davenport

Sam stretching for nothing in Melbourne

Sam stretching for nothing in Melbourne

Aga and her new coach Martina

Aga and her new coach Martina

Aga Bratzwanska (6) Section Eighth: No doubt about it, Aga should make it to the Round of 16 no trouble other than a potential tricky opponent in Varvara Lepchencko (30) in the 3rd round. However, the real glitz of this section is that Venus Williams (18) is present here. Venus is playing well as per Brisbane and she is moving forward a lot and showing off a much improved volleying technique thanks to Katrina Adams, the new USTA President (congrats gurl). Hopefully, she MUST play smart efficient tennis out there and get through to the 4th Round. She would have to beat Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) though in the 3rd round. Also meeting Aga in the Round of 16 is not good because Venus has been dragged by the Pole as of late. She can barely win a set off Aga. So she will need all her strength to get through that match and face Kvitova in the quarters for another showdown match! Their Wimbledon encounter last year was arguably the best match of the women’s tournament.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Ms. Koolaide Juice Jug Halep (3) Bottom Half

Simona has been Martha's pigeon as of late, so she will be looking to change that this tournament

Simona has been Martha’s pigeon as of late, so she will be looking to change that this tournament

Halep (3) v Ivanovic the Terrible (5) Quarter

Promise me that Ivanovic the Terrible is not going to show up here in Melbourne.

Promise me that Ivanovic the Terrible is not going to show up here in Melbourne.

Ivanovic the Terrible’s Section Eighth: Ana should get to the Round of 16 which she will potential meet tough lefty Ekaterina Makarova (10) there. Makarova is a dangerous floater at majors. She is always good for one major upset. If she gets past the Russian, there will a Romanian in the form of Halep waiting there for her. Meanwhile of her own accord, Ivanovic the Terrible can show up and mess up Ana’s life and have her losing to a Belinda Bencic (32) for no reason in the 3rd round. So be prepared for anything from this section.

Realz don't watch my eyebrows. I know they need to be done but we're not here for that

Realz don’t watch my eyebrows. I know they need to be done but we’re not here for that

Halep’s Section Eighth: Halep had a glorious 2014, quarterfinalist here, finals in Roland Garros and Wimbledon semifinals. Not to mention that she made it to the WTA YEC final beating Serena in straight sets on her way there only to lose in straight sets to Serena but she played a great tournament. With all that, Koolaide Juice Jug is hoping to improve upon those results this year with a new coach who she said is more in line with her Romanian philosophy. I think Halep will make the quarterfinal without much of a fuss. In the 3rd round, she could meet Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki but even this matchup I am sure Halep will get by without any trouble. Sara ETrrani (14) is a possible 4th round opponent. However, I am not sure what the Italian will do this year on tour. Her ranking is slipping downwards so she would definitely love a boost to be back in the top 10. She is also a dangerous player except when she is playing Martha or Serena. Otherwise, Errani can be hell for most players on her good day. So if Halep wants to win this title or at least get close to winning it, she best watch out for the likes of Errani.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Bouchard (7) Quarter

Wait what? You're saying if this were the sport that's the only way I am winning a major?

Wait what? You’re saying if this were the sport that’s the only way I am winning a major?

Bouchard’s Section Eighth: The Canadian is another of those young ladies who had a great 2014: semis in Melbourne, Roland Garros and a Wimbledon final. She also got to the WTA finals but she did not win a single match in her debut. Nonetheless, she has a lot of points to defend this year and without a coach in her corner, things might not be so smooth as they were last year. Bouchard could face veteran and 2-time major champion Kuzi-Rex (27) in the 3rd round and then the tricky German lefty, Carebear Kerber (9) or that Spanish Lady Hobbit, Carla Suarez Navarro (17) in the Round of 16. I do not think Bouchard is gonna make it to the quarterfinals but one never knows.

Wait what? Cornemort and Murguruza are in the same quarter as Serena? Sweet LOL

Wait what? Cornemort and Murguruza are in the same quarter as Serena? Sweet LOL

And no I don't practice the dark arts of draw fixing ... at least not all the time :-)

And no I don’t practice the dark arts of draw fixing … at least not all the time 🙂

Martha Shriekapova’s Section Eighth: I think we can just about safely write in quarterfinals and/or semifinals. She has no real threats in path at all. In fact, she has not lost to Halep yet. So even if the seeds stay true to form, Martha might be a sure bet. Her 3rd round opponent is Zarina Diyas (31) who has no fire power to hurt Martha in the least. Only tough draw for the Russian might be Lucie Safarova (16) who will have to play the match of her life to get this upset. Nonetheless, I think we can put Martha in the finals and if anyone shows up other than Kvitova and Serena, it is Martha’s title to win or lose.

So here we are at the end! I hope we have a fun and great Aussie Open this year. Hopefully my favourites get their lives together and win the darn thing!

As much as I want to be loving LiNaLi in this picture giving me that pregnancy glow, that security guard in those shoes are KILLING ME! This is why I can never buy a pair of New Balance to save my life

As much as I want to be loving LiNaLi in this picture giving me life with that beautiful pregnancy glow, that security guard in those shoes is KILLING ME! This is why I can never buy a pair of New Balance to save my life

Vickie is out partying. I hope she has her life together because she has a tough road ahead of her to get back to the top

Vickie is out partying. I hope she has her life together because she has a tough road ahead of her to get back to the top

It is like Venus loves to piss me off. WTF is she wearing a napkin on her head. And I am sorry this dress looks okay but it is giving me Christmas Angel pageant so I cannot approve

It is like Venus loves to piss me off. WTF is she wearing a napkin on her head? And I am sorry this dress looks okay but it is giving me Christmas Angel pageant so I cannot approve. Serena I can see your busted edges from here

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