Realz

2015 Australian Open: Day 3 The Late Late Late Edition

In Uncategorized on January 24, 2015 at 12:01 am
Thank you Jesus for bringing back Realz. Better late than never.

Thank you Jesus for bringing back Realz. Better late than never.

I am so so so very sorry my fans for coming to you so very late with Day 3’s Report. I have so much on my plate and I swear to you I have also been lacking sleep. The bags under my eyes are carrying more load than the ones the players have on court [Which is still a mystery to mme as to for 1) What the hell is in it? And 2) Why the hell are you bringing a purse to the court? I don’t see NBA players bringing a pocketbook to the court. If the lockers are not that safe to keep your precious stuff, I hardly believe players have their passports on hand there, you can A) Talk to the people in charge about the lack of security and feel free to invoke the standard US police line of “Fear for my Safety” that usually covers a multitude of sins and/or B) This is just me coming up with something off the cuff here and a severe lack of sleep but how about you just leave your stuff at home. Don’t bring your valuables to work.]

There we go with the racquet bag on the right and the mystery pocketbook on the left

There we go with the racquet bag on the right and the mystery pocketbook on the left! What’s in there Divadal? Enquiring minds would like to know

However, it is way too early in this post for me to go off on a tangent and/or digressing especially since I am well late with this edition. So let us get to the results. Today we will start off with the Menz.

Again the men were generally well behaved. No major upsets to speak of or perhaps more so to the point, what I should really say is that we did not lose anyone of major consequence and/or care. However, you know who decided to get themselves square in the limelight? None other than the Grande Dame himself, Divadal. She decided that the “Comeback Narrative” from his fakinjuries was not enough, he had to give us a “comeback in the match heroics vein.” Divadal was playing American Tim Smyczek. Now if you have not heard of him before now, well do not feel bad. Most people have not. In fact, Smyczek mostly makes an appearance at the US Open where he wins a couple of matches or just one and sometimes find himself being one of the “few surviving American male” left in the tournament. He is basically one of those American men trying to find relevance on tour in the absence of Andy Roddick. He then gets sucked into the “Where are the American men?” narrative. Anyway, Smyczek is also VERY EASY ON THE EYES. He can get it. Anywho, let’s get back to the Divadal story.

Tim Smother him with gravy Symczek ... he can definitely get it

Tim Smother him with gravy Symczek … he can definitely get it

So Divadal was leading Smyczek earlier on in the match as was to be expected. He took the 1st set 6-2. However, I guess Divadal decided he needed to take a Mental Holiday or something like that so he just zoned out of the match it seemed. In fact, what I think Divadal did was simply change the narrative surrounding him a bit. See coming into the tournament, there was a lot of “questions” surrounding his fitness for this tournament but after his first round demolition of Youznhy, all questions were answered. Divadal was definitely one of the favourites to win. So Divadal knew he could no longer go into press conferences and say, “Well me no soy favorito. Djoker y Federrerr son the muchos favoritos” So how do you keep that going, you simply get yourself knocked about a bit by a scrub. So Smyczek won the 2nd and 3rd sets.

Smyczek v Divadal turned out to be a "drama filled affair" Who knew?

Smyczek v Divadal turned out to be a “drama filled affair” Who knew?

According to EuroSport commies, “Divadal was sweating so much.” “I have never seen him sweat that much” said Mats Weelander (His real name is Mats Wilander). I really can’t even get into the absurdity of this last bit of madness. Sometimes, people say such ridiculousness that you really cannot engage. So anyway, Divadal was now down 1-2 sets and everyone thought the upset was possible. That is, everyone who is silly. Divadal was not going to lose like that. He has ONLY EVER struggled at Wimbledon in the early rounds. Think about it. When has Divadal not made the 2nd week of a major not named Wimbledon and be in danger of losing to a scrub? This rarely happens. So I know it was not going to happen that night and even if it were to happen, it certainly was not going to be at the hands and racquet of Tim Smyczek. So again no surprises here when Divadal came through and pulled off another “epic win” 6-2 3-6 6-7 6-3 7-5.

Yes tennis gods my plan has worked. I am now back in the Sympathy Corner

Yes tennis gods my plan has worked. I am now back in the Sympathy Corner

Yeah Timmy, I am immune to scrubs except in London

Yeah Timmy, I am immune to scrubs except in London

Dear Fanz,

*Please note that I have contacted the Oxford English authorities about issuing a “Cease and Desist Order” as well as an Injunction against tennis commentators, journalists, fans and fanatics alike for the extra-grammatical and wonton abuse of the words, “epic, greatest, best, era, illness and injury.” Things have got grossly out of hand now and it is time that order is restored to the English Language. Far too many crimes and atrocities have been committed in the name of journalism and “fair and balance reporting.” Therefore egregious statements such as “Nadal played an epic match v Djokovic” or “This is the Djokovic-era” will be a thing of the past.

 

gr2xn

I have also asked them to within this injunction state explicitly that any use of those words without proper documented and corroborating evidence for the sentence and or sentences they are found within, will result in public shaming and a hefty fine. All offenders will have to take mandatory English classes even if he/she is a native speaker. In fact any native speaker found in violation of this injunction WILL BE given the status of “English as a Second Language” and have to take remedial classes as basic vocabulary is seriously an issue for them. Please note that Special Dispensation has been given to RealzTenisFanz for its strident effort in maintaining the integrity of the language. 

10653781_10204758016335975_696117555243078983_n

You said Realz! AMEN and AMENNNN!!!

gr2m2

 

Anyway, let’s get back to the tennis. So Mr. Federer (2) decided that he wanted to give some random scrub, Simone Bolelli, some undeserved confidence. Bolelli came out in the 1st set like a tigershark. He was pounding Mr. Federer with that forehand. I mean Bolelli was near not missing a single one and Mr. Federer was looking his age. Mr. Federer dropped the 1st set 3-6 and was left to lick his wound; quite literally as he was stung by a bee on his finger or something along those lines. He got that treated after dropping the set. As for Bolelli, well as is often the case with these scrubs, they blow their wad early and usually end up showing themselves to be a “one-trick pony”. Whenever the other player figures out how to deal with that trick, they are left with nothing else to show and they get dismissed. That’s exactly what happened. Mr. Federer dismissed him 3-6 6-3 6-2 6-2 in vintage style.

Mr. Federer had to get his life together! He was a mess in that 1st set

Mr. Federer had to get his life together! He was a mess in that 1st set

Who looked to be in good form was Lochness Murray (6). He took out Marinko Matosevic of Australia in straights 6-1 6-3 6-2 as did Bershite (7) over qualifier Jurgen Melzer. Dimitrov (10), the Bulgarian handbag, also came through to the 3rd round but he did it in 4 sets. Kevin Anderson (14) and Richard Gasquet (24) also won and moved through to the next round. Meanwhile, the Australians were besides themselves as they had two of their own facing each other; Super Sexy Sam Groth and the Twink Thanasi Kokkinakis. I was cheering myself but for entirely different reasons 😉 It was a tough contest but in the end, experience won out as Gorgeous Groth took it in 5 sets 3-6 6-3 7-5 3-6 6-1. Groth will play another compatriot in the form of Bernard Tampomic in the 3rd round. No doubt who I would be backing in that match! 

Gorgeous  Groth

Gorgeous Groth

And speaking of the douche Tampomic, he sorta led an interesting turn of event in this half of the draw that saw several of the lower end seeds (Seeded Scrubs I like to call them) all being tossed out in 4 sets. Tampomic took out Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) and his countryman, Nick Krispy Kringle beat Ivo Karlovic (23) also in 4 sets as did Andreas Seppi who took out Jeremy Chardy (29). Marcos Baghdatis, 2006 finalist here in Melbourne, took care of David Goffin (20) who was severely hampered by the hot and humid conditions. Dudi Sela won over Lukas Rosol (28) and Viktor Troiki is back in the mix when he got rid of Leonardo Mayer (26). The only seeded player who did not lose in 4 sets was Martin Klizan (32). He himself went out in the 2nd round but he did so by way of retiring from his match.

Who are these guys you people of Realz? I have never heard of them

Who are these guys you people of Realz? I have never heard of them

On the womenz side, well the big story was again a “near defeat” of the No. 2 seed. However, in this case, it was a very very near defeat as Martha Shriekapova had to save 3 match points against her countrywoman Alexandra Panova. Panova got dragged in the 1st set losing it 1-6 but in the next two, she was crushing Martha’s basic game. Panova led 5-1 in the 2nd set but got shaky but was still able to close it out 6-4 to force a 3rd set. Martha was in deep trouble and she knew it too BUT we all know Martha competes VERY WELL! If she was going to lose a match to some extra or WTA Wench (my new catch phrase) on tour, she was going to make that extra/wench WIN IT. Martha does not donate free matches! You want that W next to your name against her, gurl you best get your life together because Martha is NEVER GONNA GIVE UP unless your name is Serena Williams.

Martha was getting dragged like a ragged doll out there

Martha was getting dragged like a ragged doll out there

Panova had break points to go up 5-1 in the 3rd set but I think she forgot who she was playing. Martha held serve for 2-4 and then steadily worked her way back into the match with confidence and panache as though it were she in the driver’s seat. Panova took her foot off the accelerator and paid dearly for it. Martha got her shite together and took the match 6-1 4-6 7-5. She is through to the 3rd round, something she did not do last year. 

That's right, I just checked another wench trying to come for my wig at a major

That’s right, I just checked another wench trying to come for my wig at a major

I did not come this but it's hilarious nonetheless (SOURCH: https://40.media.tumblr.com/d67bba0dc8dd38702365ff661244000f/tumblr_nimhrvyZHp1tjtko9o1_1280.jpg)

I did not come up with this but it’s hilarious nonetheless (SOURCE: https://40.media.tumblr.com/d67bba0dc8dd38702365ff661244000f/tumblr_nimhrvyZHp1tjtko9o1_1280.jpg)

The other seeded players got through in relative ease. Bouchard (7) won in straight sets as did Simona Halep (3), Ekaterina Makarova (10) and Sara Errani (14), they all moved through to the 3rd round here in Melbourne looking to make that final push to get into the 2nd week of the major. They have all made it to the semis or better at all major but none of them have come close to winning one.

Simona Halep, Mrs. Koolaide

Simona Halep, Mrs. Koolaide

Meanwhile, the “upset queens” from Day 1 of Aussie Open did rather well in the 2nd round. They all came through with the exception of one. Lucie Hradecka who took out Ivanovic the Terrible in Round 1 won as did Julia Goerges, Caroline Garcia, Yaroslava Shvedova, Yanina Wickmayer, Irina-Carmila Begu and Carina Wittoeft. The one who lost was Kristina Mladenovic. Anyway, this will sure make for interesting things come the 2nd week of the major as several of these women will inevitably end up getting to the Round of 16 or better. As always, the Australian Open gives us a lot of Scrubs and Extras forcing their way from the backdrop into the forefront of the main stage. I cannot blame them. The money in Melbourne is really sweet and I for one will be fighting my hardest to get to the next round for a bigger pay day. No passive play from me if I were out there because 2nd round money is always more than 1st round and 3rd round is more than them combined.

Realz again, I don't know any of these people that you are talking about. Are you sure these women are real?

Realz again, I don’t know any of these people that you are talking about. Are you sure these women are real?

Anyway enough about all of that. Since we are so behind, let me get on with this and go bang out the other days! PLEASE DON’T FORGET TO COMMENT. I NEED THE SUPPORT 

#TeamHotties

Alexandra Panova may have lost but she is definitely a hottie in our book

Alexandra Panova may have lost but she is definitely a hottie in our book

Polona Hercog is hot and she got the tats to prove it!

Polona Hercog is hot and she got the tats to prove it!

I usually am pounding Carla saying how she needs to get it together BUT she gets an A+++ from me today. She's WERQING it in red, white and blue! Meanwhile, Garbine is looking like throw up fashioned into curtain material and then made into whatever horrible outfit she thinks looks good

I usually am pounding Carla saying how she needs to get it together BUT she gets an A+++ from me today. She’s WERQING it in red, white and blue! Meanwhile, Garbine is looking like throw up fashioned into curtain material and then made into whatever horrible outfit she thinks looks good

#TeamTooCute

I mean there is the potential for something awful to happen to this clearly unattended baby but what an adorable baby it is

I mean there is the potential for something awful to happen to this clearly unattended baby but what an adorable baby it is

#TeamTooSexy

Gorgeous Groth

Gorgeous Groth

Sexy Sam

Sexy Sam

HOTNESS DELICIOUSLY SQUARED

HOTNESS DELICIOUSLY SQUARED

We look so HOT together that I wanna clone myself so I can watch a threesome with us and Realz

We look so HOT together that I wanna clone myself so I can watch a threesome with us and Realz

Sweet Jojoba, you can take me just so long as you let me watch that action

Sweet Jojoba, you can take me just so long as you let me watch that action

Someone hose it down! It's getting too hot in here!

Someone hose it down! It’s getting too hot in here!

No bitch you can't have my number

No bitch you can’t have my number

But you have definitely have my sweaty dirty towel

But you have definitely have my sweaty dirty towel

#TeamNotties

She is really serious about making that face drawing so much attention to that fivehead? (Please note the Realz method of determining whether you have a forehead or a fivehead, if you place 4 fingers up to your forehead and there is still space between your hairline and your fingers, you got a FIVEHEAD! Ain't no shame about it, it is what it is!

She is really serious about making that face drawing so much attention to that fivehead? (Please note the Realz method of determining whether you have a forehead or a fivehead, if you place 4 fingers up to your forehead and there is still space between your hairline and your fingers, you got a FIVEHEAD! Ain’t no shame about it, it is what it is!

#icant even with this face looking like Mask

#icant even with this face looking like Mask

Need I say more ...

Need I say more …

Is Divadal hair?

From this angle

From this angle

And this way ...

And this way …

In motion ...

In motion …

Let's see what is happening on this side

Let’s see what is happening on this side

Rafael Nadal

I am seeing more sweat than hair

 

Up close

Up close

From the other side up close

From the other side up close

ARGHHH I am losing my hair!!! Help me please ROGAINE

ARGHHH I am losing my hair!!! Help me please ROGAINE

Even from space we can see this bald spot

Even from outer space we can see this bald spot

I gonna dry my hair gingerly or else I might lose the few strands that I have

Gurl I have to dry my hair gingerly or else I might lose the few strands that I have to this towel

Body Conscious

Lochness Murray has a lil treasure trail for you to follow

Lochness Murray has a lil treasure trail for you to follow

Grigor is giving you a lil hint

Grigor is giving you a lil hint

Divadal giving you a lil peep show

Divadal giving you a lil peep show

And then he's showing you the full 8 pack

And then he’s showing you the full 8 pack

Matosevic is offering a sneak preview

Matosevic is offering a sneak preview

Gasquet giving you that farmer's tan look

Gasquet giving you that farmer’s tan look

This man is giving you a full show

This man is giving you a full show

They are definitely perfect but I don't think we have the same ideas about what they're perfect for!

They are definitely perfect but I don’t think we have the same ideas about what they’re perfect for!

Mixed Bag Photos

I had to beat you, I couldn't stand to have that ugly outfit running around these parts ... I'll have my Nike peoples call your peoples to hook you up with something better

I had to beat you, I couldn’t stand to have that ugly outfit running around these parts … I’ll have my Nike peoples call your peoples to hook you up with something better

Just a lil constructive criticism here Bec Hewitt, your children's crayons and markers are not meant to be used as lipstick. Furthermore, that colour does not match your skin tone

Just a lil constructive criticism here Bec Hewitt, your children’s crayons and markers are not meant to be used as lipstick. Furthermore, that colour does not match your skin tone

So the Asshat is back at the tournament

So the Asshat is back at the tournament

What are you looking for? My breasts.

What are you looking for? Your breasts.

 

Why does my hand smell like balls?

Why does my hand smell like balls?

What do you mean why did I sign Jerzy Janowicz? That's my name. ... Wait what? You thought I was Herman Munster?

What do you mean why did I sign Jerzy Janowicz? That’s my name. … Wait what? You thought I was Herman Munster?

Yeah you look like him.

Yeah you look like him.

That Awkward Moment When

When you and your good girlfriend wore the same outfit to the same event and she wore it better.

When you and your good girlfriend wore the same outfit to the same event and she wore it better.

When the doctor says he wants to weigh your balls but he's doing it by feel

When the doctor says he wants to weigh your balls but he’s doing it by feel

When you realize you're the meat in an ugly man sandwich

When you realize you’re the meat in an ugly man sandwich

You realize the old hag in the middle thinks she's cute and you have to check her

You realize the old hag in the middle thinks she’s cute and you have to check her

Your dyslexia is on full display for the world to see

Your dyslexia is on full display for the world to see

You gay best friend set you up saying he'll do your makeup for free

Your gay best friend set you up saying he’ll do your makeup for free so all the boys would come your way

When too much twerking got your hips messed up

When too much twerking got your hips messed up

But the music so good that you have to be a basic thot and twerk on the floor

But the music so good that you have to be a basic thot and twerk on the dance floor

 

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