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Archive for the ‘Andreas Seppi’ Category

Aus Open 2016: Fashion Run Afoul Down Under

In Andreas Seppi, Australian Open on January 17, 2016 at 11:36 pm

Hey all you Realz Fanz, I am sure you are excited about the beginning of the 2016 major season which gets under way with the Australian Open in Melbourne. I am kinda excited though I am not keyed up as I would have been in recent years. I have long accepted the fact that Roger Federer and Venus Williams, my TOP FAVES are not going to win slams … well unlikely to win. However,  I am looking forward to seeing some brilliant and inspiring tennis on court during the next two weeks. 

As always myself and the lovely ladies in Andreen (@A_Gallivant) and Janina (@JLR78) break down both the men and women’s draws. You can take a listen below either on YouTube or on Podbean. 

On Podbean as well

However, the reason for this post is not to discuss tennis per se but to really get into the fashion of the tennis players. Now seriously, I have been following professional tennis for a LONG LONG LONG time and for the life of me, I do not understand how rich young people with amazing bodies commit so many acts of fashion suicide. These young rich folks appear to be have been styled by the Fashion Institute for the Blind or their worst enemy. In my mind, I think at times, it has to be that they are deliberately looking ridiculous so as to piss me off.

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Anyway, the players, a select group I imagine, went to the IMG players’ party and it was a virtual shit show in this fashion. As always, I am right there to hand out grades and constructive criticism. I truly pray that these folks would consult me before going out ever again. 

When it comes to the menz, I really cannot give them a grade. It is so easy for them to be honest. I only give out grades if they are absolutely horrendous. 

I'm done talking about Kei and his teeth. He needs to take a million of that $60+ million from Uniqlo and get them chompers in order. This is UNACCEPTABLE

I’m done talking about Kei and his teeth, or lack there of. He needs to take a million of that $60+ million from Uniqlo and get them chompers in order. This is UNACCEPTABLE

Meanwhile, it seems that Kei is heading to a college frat party

Meanwhile, it seems that Kei is heading to a college frat party

And so is FeFe Lopez

And so is FeFe Lopez

This is a really bad angled photo but it is them jeans that I am having issues with. What the hell is going on with that zipper ... #creepy

This is a really bad angled photo but it is them jeans that I am having issues with. What the hell is going on with that zipper … #creepy

Did they all shop at the same place. I cannot even look at Harrison and them grandfather shoes. No need to ask, we all know Ryan is heading to the same frat party

Did they all shop at the same place. I cannot even look at Harrison and them grandfather shoes. No need to ask, we all know Ryan is heading to the same frat party. By the way Ryan, one bit of advice, “Fitted Jeans”!! 

Apparently, Heather is just one of the guys. I don't understand what's happening here. This has to be the "before picture" and we have to wait for the "after picture" when she is ready.

Apparently, Heather is just one of the guys. I don’t understand what’s happening here. This has to be the “before picture” and we have to wait for the “after picture” when she is ready.

Divadal, your personality is supposed to be whimsical and not your hair. Surely, it is time to talk to your doctors about Rogaine or whatever else is new in the men's hair loss treatment department.

Divadal, your personality is supposed to be whimsical, not your hair. Surely, it is time to talk to your doctors about Rogaine or whatever else is new in the men’s hair loss treatment department.

As per the norm, Divadal looks uncomfortable as fuck! BUT the outfit looks really nice on him. I love the shades of blue

As per the norm, Divadal looks uncomfortable as fuck! BUT the outfit looks really nice on him. I love the shades of blue

I was ready to rip into Kyle here but then I realized that I never see him at these events. Astronauts (players on the satellite and challenger circuits) don't get invited to these premiere events.  So he gets a pass as this was clearly his first time and he surely is the guest of a guest. Kyle, I won't be so kind next time.

I was ready to rip into Kyle here but then I realized that I never see him at these events. Astronauts (players on the satellite and challenger circuits) don’t get invited to these premiere events. So he gets a pass as this was clearly his first time and he surely is the guest of a guest. Kyle, I won’t be so kind next time.

David Ferrer looks all right! He doesn't look bad but it is a very safe choice. I cannot hate on him too much here at all.

David Ferrer looks all right! He doesn’t look bad but it is a very safe choice. I cannot hate on him too much here at all.

Clearly someone did not explain to Seppi that this players' event was not being held in the locker room. And they say Italians have great fashion sense!

Clearly someone did not explain to Seppi that this players’ event was not being held in the locker room. And they say Italians have great fashion sense!

Look at the French showing you how it is done! #HubertforHusband He just exudes absolute charm and quiet sex appeal.

Look at the French showing you how it is done! #HubertforHusband He just exudes absolute charm and quiet sex appeal.

Of course it goes without saying that my main man Samuel Groth knows how to impress at outings. I never let my man go out looking like a mess. Meanwhile that lil hussy Josh Gibson was trying to angle in on my property but I had to let him know that Sam Space is already occupied #backoffbitch

Of course it goes without saying that my main man Samuel Groth knows how to impress at outings. I never let my man go out looking like a mess. Meanwhile that lil hussy Josh Gibson was trying to angle in on my property but I had to let him know that Sam Space is already occupied #backoffbitch

I perhaps never say it often ... in fact, I don't think I have never said it before, Maria is beautiful. Just looking ravishing and radiant in this photo

I perhaps never say it often … in fact, I don’t think I have never said it before, Maria is beautiful. Just looking ravishing and radiant in this photo

For once she isn't accentuating her "manish" shoulders. This outfit I think works very well. The colours, the length, her hair and makeup are #flawless. Maria you get an A+

For once she isn’t accentuating her “manish” shoulders. This outfit I think works very well. The colours, the length, her hair and makeup are #flawless. Maria you get an A+

Meanwhile, is this a silent protest from the Russian again her motherland's draconian homophobic laws. I see her dress and all I am thinking about is marriage equality.

Meanwhile, is this a silent protest from the Russian again her motherland’s draconian homophobic laws. I see her dress and all I am thinking about is marriage equality.

Hmmm I kinda indifferent to Pliskova's look right now. Karo, you get an M for Meh

Hmmm I kinda indifferent to Pliskova’s look right now. Karo, you get an M for Meh

Apparently, in her post career life, LiNaLi is the WTA secretary? Why gurl? WHY?? That red lipstick is too RED, you're looking clownish and you need some powder for your face as it is too shiny or sweaty but I am gonna say "shiny". That skirt length needs to be CHOPPED. Show those legs. Unbutton one of those buttons on the blouse and let that hair down. Those shoes aren't right but I am going to give you a C+ because you are somebody's mother now.

Apparently, in her post career life, LiNaLi is the WTA secretary? Why gurl? WHY?? That red lipstick is too RED, you’re looking clownish and you need some powder for your face as it is too shiny or sweaty but I am gonna say “shiny”. That skirt length needs to be CHOPPED. Show those legs. Unbutton one of those buttons on the blouse and let that hair down. Those shoes aren’t right but I am going to give you a C+ because you are somebody’s mother now.

Genie, why is your hair looking a mess right now? What were you doing before this shot??

Genie, why is your hair looking a mess right now? What were you doing before this shot??

This outfit clearly deserves an A if only we were talking about tennis kit. But as it is an evening wear, I'm gonna have to give this a D-. It fits but it certainly doesn't flatter

This outfit clearly deserves an A if only we were talking about tennis kit. But as it is an evening wear, I’m gonna have to give this a D-. It fits but it certainly doesn’t flatter

Victoria "Vika" Azarenka. What in the name of fashion is this fucking mess? You look RIDICULOUS. I cannot even give you an F. That's too high a grade for this shit.

Victoria “Vika” Azarenka. What in the name of fashion is this fucking mess? You look RIDICULOUS. I cannot even give you an F. That’s too high a grade for this shit.

WTF? WTMFF is this garbage. She looks like she cut up some eccentric nurses' scrubs and added the belt and the shoes thinking the ensemble would look cute. Azarenka, honey, YOU LOOK BAD. You get an H for Horrendous

WTF? WTMFF is this garbage. She looks like she cut up some eccentric nurses’ scrubs and added the belt and the shoes thinking the ensemble would look cute. Azarenka, honey, YOU LOOK BAD. You get an H for Horrendous

I almost think that she looked better her than at this party.

I almost think that she looked better her than at this party.

A funny thing happened to Serena on her way to the players' party. She misheard and thought it was a "dance party". She looks ready to drop it like it's hot. Serena you know I am going to have to get on your for that weave/wig and them eyebushes gurl. We need to do better boo!!

A funny thing happened to Serena on her way to the players’ party. She misheard and thought it was a “dance party”. She looks ready to drop it like it’s hot. Serena you know I am going to have to get on your for that weave/wig and them eyebushes gurl. We need to do better boo!!

Madison apparently is apparently locked up in fashion hell and don't have a clue or keys to get out. This looks so bad, I think Vika looks better. Them shoes are WRONG, murdering her toes and sweety what is going on with the dress? The colour, the form, the fit, your breasts are hanging out. Why? WHY?

Madison apparently is locked up in fashion hell and don’t have a clue or keys to get out. This looks so bad, I think Vika looks better. Them shoes are WRONG, murdering her toes and sweety what is going on with the dress? The colour, the form, the fit, your breasts are hanging out. Why? WHY?

Someone couldn't give you some make up to fix this. How you checked yourself in a mirror and thought it was all okay to go out like this? I have no choice for to give this an F for a fucking fail

Someone couldn’t give you some make up to fix this. How you checked yourself in a mirror and thought it was all okay to go out like this? I have no choice for to give this an F for a fucking fail

So BMS didn't have time to change as practice and just showed up like this after getting off the courts.

So BMS didn’t have time to change as practice and just showed up like this after getting off the courts.

Again another newbie. I wanna say so much but I am hoping that we learns from this experience and do better for Wimbledon.

Again another newbie. I wanna say so much but I am hoping that we learns from this experience and do better for Wimbledon.

Everything is nice but somehow it just does not work for me overall. Her hair is right, dress form its colour and everything are great. However, she just looks off in it altogether like it does not belong to her.

Everything is nice but somehow it just does not work for me overall. Her hair is right, dress form its colour and everything are great. However, she just looks off in it altogether like it does not belong to her. However, I have to give her a solid B+

Pavs looks great here but the pose is all wrong. I mean she looks good for her usual self.

Pavs looks great here but the pose is all wrong. I mean she looks good for her usual self. Body make up boo for those tan lines

This used to be Pavy's usual getup at these events. So we have to give credit where credit is due. She gets a solid C for this.

This used to be Pavy’s usual getup at these events. So we have to give credit where credit is due. She gets a solid C for this.

I am not sure about it. Cute top but those pants do not work. This needed a skirt or a different top. Either way, doesn't really work for me and Svitolina, you get a C-

I am not sure about it. Cute top but those pants do not work. This needed a skirt or a different top. Either way, doesn’t really work for me and Svitolina, you get a C-

I really need someone to explain to me why is it that the Spanish men ALWAYS look right but the ladies ALWAYS look a right mess. Why is Garbine wearing this shit in public? I don't even know where to begin

I really need someone to explain to me why is it that the Spanish men ALWAYS look right but the ladies ALWAYS look a right mess. Why is Garbine wearing this shit in public? I don’t even know where to begin .. First the hair looks like it was just washed with supermarket shampoo; that makeup isn’t flattering; that blouse is for a child not a grown woman: those pants … I think you would find that her grandmother’s couch is missing fabric as it is now her pants: her sandals … #icant

She was doing everything right until she decided to follow her hubby and match him with the white shoes. Why? Why? And I am going to pretend like I am not seeing that purse at all.

She was doing everything right until she decided to follow her hubby and match him with the white shoes. Why? Why? And I am going to pretend like I am not seeing that purse at all.

Thank God for small miracles. Katya baby looks like her and not the daddy# #keepingitrealz

Thank God for small miracles. Katya baby looks like her and not the daddy# #keepingitrealz

They get my vote for the best overall dressed. At least they make no bones about it being all costumes.

They get my vote for the best overall dressed. At least they make no bones about it being all costumes.

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2015 Australian Open: Day 1 of Horrors!

In Ana Ivanovic, Andreas Seppi, Andy Murray, Angelique Kerber, Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Borna Coric, Carla Suarez Narravo, Christina McHale, David Goffin, Dustin Brown, Ekaterina Makarova, Eugenie Bouchard, Fernando Verdasco, Genie Bouchard, Grigor Dimitrov, Jiri Vesely, Juan Monaco, Kei Nishikori, Maria Sharapova, Mikhail Youzhny, Na Li, Nick Kyrgios, Petra Kvitova, Philipp Kohlschreiber, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roberta Vinci, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Simona Halep, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Robredo, Yaroslava Shevedova on January 19, 2015 at 6:54 pm
Hey y'all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open.  I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don't get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

Hey y’all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open. I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don’t get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

So the 2015 Australian Open has officially begun! And boy or gurl or lady depending on who you are, was it an explosive first day, particularly on the women’s side. It was as though a cyclone or something ripped through the draw as the top seeds were being scattered left, right and center. These female underlings were gunning for the top seeds and trying to get that 2nd round money because it is definitely more than the cheque for the 1st round. Things were so massive that we do not even have time to chit chat, we have to go right to main story! 

Of the 16 seeded players from the bottom half who took to court to play their 1st round matches, EIGHT of them lost. That’s right, 8/16, half of them, 50% of them were sent packing; dismissed; bid adieu; arrivederci or as they say in Australia, goodbye! It was amazing and shocking to a certain extent and I have seen a lot of tennis. I mean granted that several of them were not really surprises or upsets in my book. However, the sheer magnitude of the fallout was too epic to go unnoticed.

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN'S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN’S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

So let’s look at the damage done. The highest seed to fall was Ana Ivanovic (5) aka Ivanovic the Terrible. Now Ana took on Lucie Hradecka (pronounced Herdeskka, I know but it is Czech if I am not mistaken) Anyway, Ana was cruising 6-1 in the 1st set and I swore she was going to sail through this match. However, we all know how Ivanovic the Terrible be showing up and wrecking Ana’s life and sure enough out came doppelganger. Ana’s ball toss was all over the place for the serve. She was stretching like it was Pilates class out there and Hradecka was enjoying the free points and nice cracks at the silly serves. Hradecka then wrapped up the match 1-6 6-3 6-2! Needless to say that Ana tried to stall things by going up to the chair umpire several times mid-game. She can never lose gracefully #checkyourpressuregurl

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please!

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please! Get out of my head!

After Ana was sent home, then came Carebear Kerber (9) who was off kilter from the beginning of the match v Irina-Camelia Begu. Begu was serious about the upset from the very start. She got the early breaks and though Kerber broke back, Begu was undeterred as she took the 1st set 6-4. Begu got broken early in the 2nd set and decided smartly I guess to tank the set altogether. She did enough to make Angie work for it and gave away the set at love. However, in the 3rd set, she unleashed her reserves and Angie was left scrambling at the back of the court. She returned the kindness of the bagel from Angie with a breadstick for the German. Begu bagged the upset win 6-4 0-6 6-1.

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Two other big upsets were Lucie Safarova (16) aka Lady Gollum and Carla Suarez-Navarro (17). Safarova can be a dangerous floater but it seemed that she drew another dangerous floater in the form of Yaroslava Shvedova for a 1st round match. Shevedova came out inspired to score the upset on the 1st day and succeeded as she dismissed the Czech 6-4 2-6 8-6. Carla was just disappointing all around. She did not even put up much of a fight as some Carina Witthoeft took her out 3-6 1-6. To be honest I am not even going to shed any tears for Carla because I will never forget that Aussie Open 2009 when she took out Granny Vee in the 2nd round.

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Two veteran players, Svetlana Kuznetsova (27) aka Kuzi-Rex and Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki, got outplayed by two French women, Caroline Garcia and Kristina Mladenovic respectively. Kuzi-Rex was just not in the game at all. She allowed Garcia to take the upperhand in the match from the jump and only broke her in order to save face. Garcia nonetheless got the win 6-4 6-2. Mladenovic had a tougher time against Lose-sicki as she dropped the opening set 4-6. However, after trading breaks early in the 2nd set, Mladenovic consolidated finally and kept on holding to take the match 4-6 6-4 6-2.

I don't know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

I don’t know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

The final two of the top seeds to get bounced are not really upsets in my book but by virtue of the rankings, they do register as “upsets”. Julia Goerges played a great match from start to finish to take out Belinda Bencic (32) in straight sets 6-2 6-1 and Yanina Wickmayer steadied herself after losing the opening set 4-6 to knock out Anastasia Fattychunkova (23) 4-6 6-3 6-3. And like I said, although we have to call these upsets because of the rankings, it is really not that serious. Bencic and Fattychunkova were not going to do anything anyway.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey I don't lose to scrubs in early round of majors.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey (head of the WTA) I don’t lose to scrubs in early round of majors. That’s Serena. Don’t get it twisted!

Well not that we took care of the “big losers” we can talk about the “big winners”. Martha Shriekapova (2) and Simona Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide were both looking rusty as hell in their opening round matches. Neither was in danger of losing the match. However, perhaps if they were playing a more seasoned opponent, things could have been interesting. Nonetheless, they both won their matches in straight sets and through to the 2nd round. Martha 6-4 6-1 over Petra Martic and Halep 6-3 6-2 over Karin Knapp.

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Genie Bouchard (7) who has to defend her semifinal points from last year, is one step closer as she took out Anna-Lena Friedsam 6-2 6-4. I am not sure she will get back to the semis but she as hell did not lose in the 1st round so good of her. Another winner is Ekaterina Makarova (10) [I do not even realize she was ranked so high on the charts]. Anyway Makarova took out An-Sophie (I mean seriously that is her name) Mestach 6-2 6-2. Sara Errani (14) dismantled American Grace Min 6-1 6-0 in less than an hour.

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn't fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn’t fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life! And congrats on the win!

Other notable winners include 2014 US Open semifinalist Shuai Peng (21) and Pliskova (22) both won in straight sets. Zarina Diyas (31) took out Aga Lite aka Urszula Radwanska in 3 sets. Roberta Vinci beat Bojana Jovanovski in straight sets as Bethanie Mattek-Sands overcame her opponent Ying-Ying Duan in 3 sets. American Christina McFail was near the exit when she had an opportune bout of nausea resulting in a Medical Time Out. Of course she recovered in time to hold serve like a boss against Frenchwoman Stephanie Foretz. McFail got her act together to win the match 12-10 in the final set. Again these ladies resorting to tricks whenever their backs are up against the wall! These trainers should have to give a full report upon each visit to the court and if the illness is not “real and/or possible” the player has to pay a fine. They are getting too ridiculous with these MTOs now.

That was a great read Realz

That was a great read Realz

On the men’s side, things were far more copacetic than it was on the women’s side. In fact, I think there was only 1 major casualty and again if we look at the big picture, it was no real surprise. However, let’s deal with the usual suspects first.

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair .. or at least whatever is left of it

Divadal may try telling the world that he is not a favourite for this Aussie Open title, but like all things coming out of Divadal’s mouth regarding his health and fitness, it is a lie straight from the pit of tennis hell. Divadal (3) came out against Mikhail Youzhny on fire. Youzhny who is no real slouch most of the times, really had no answer against the Spaniard. Divadal was hitting winners from all over the court in the most impossible and improbable positions. The commentators from both ESPN and EuroSport were beside themselves. It was a circle jerk at times how they were fawning over Divadal. They talked about how his shorts were “the shortest ever”, they talked about how they “missed him so much” and even about this look and body. It was too much. Anyway, Divadal is through 6-3 6-2 6-2.

I am back and don't none of you bitches forget that!

I am back to full force and don’t none of you bitches forget that!

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer (2) again appears on target to extend his 11-year run to the Aussie Open semifinal or better stage. He took out Yen-Hsun Lu in straight sets 6-4 6-2 7-5. Lochness Murray (6) made a meal of his match against Yuki Bhambri but in the end he won in straight sets 6-3 6-4 7-6(3). Berdshite (7) also made life a bit difficult for himself against Alejandro Falla but he still got the job done in 3 sets, 6-3 7-6(1) 6-3. Grigor Dimitrov (10) aka Martha’s Bulgarian handbag had an easy day at the office when he took out German-Jamaican Dusty Brown 6-2 6-3 6-2. The worst part of the matter was that Dusty Brown thought he was going to factor in this match. He at one point appeared as though he was trying to do something of interest on the court. Thankfully Dimitrov got his clutch together and snapped those foolish desires away.

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Other winners included Kevin Anderson (14) who at 6’8” (2.03m) took on an opponent more than a foot beneath him, Diego Schwartzman who is 5’7” (1.7m). Anderson still had to fight for his life as Schwartzman was digging at his heels. Anderson took the match in 4 sets. David Goffin (20) aka the Hobbit also won in 4 sets over American Mike Russell. Most of the top seeds won their matches in straight sets including Philipp Kohlschreiber (22), Ivo Karlovic (23), Richard Gasquet (24), Leonardo Mayer (26) and Martin Klizan (32). Lukas Rosol (28) who at 6’5” (1.96m) had the rare opponent whose face he had to look up to see, Kenny DeScheppers, 6’8” (2.03m). It was a virtual battle of the giants. However, Rosol eked out the win in 5 sets to advance to the 2nd round. A possible 3rd round encounter with Divadal looms in the draw if both players can win their next match.

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

There were several matches with winners that should be of some interests to some people. Lukas Lacko, Jurgen Melzer and Viktor Troicki were all winners on Day 1. Melzer came through from qualification showing  some Q3 (final round) heroics on the court. So good of him to come back from the brink of defeat in the qualies  and win a maindraw match to make some 2nd round money. Troicki who won Sydney this past weekend faced the winner from Auckland, Jiri Vesely. Unfortunately, someone had to go home and it was Vesely in 4 sets. Jeremy Chardy (29) escaped a youthful Borna Coric who seemed to have thought that enthusiasm made up for experience. Coric took the 1st set but then played the big points poorly for the rest of the match. Chardy thus capitalized on his inexperience to take the match in 4 sets.

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major. He made life very easy for Chardy. Nonetheless, the 18-year is still HOT

Another interesting result is that of Andreas Seppi v Denis Istomin. This first round encounter was their 5th meeting at a major and in each of the 4 previous matches, they all went the distance. They both won 2 matches a piece. This 5th match was no different as it again went to a decisive 5th set. Seppi won it this time around and moved through to the 2nd round. In other news and more so from the rumour mill, Divadal’s boo, Juan Monaco, Pico, lost to Italian Simone Bollelli. Please note that the rumour is not that Monaco lost but the fact that he is Divadal’s boo.

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic?

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic? I thought you said I shouldn’t go after stupid boys

As we are in Australia at the Australian Open, I think it prudent that we note the achievements of the Aussie men because we all know that the Aussie ladies be a mess in Melbourne. Several of the local favourites extended their stay in Melbourne including the hotness that is Sam Groth. So happy he is sticking around some more. Marinko Matosevic and James Duckworth also won and will play in the 2nd round. Bernard Tomic aka Tampomic was in a bit of trouble against Tobias Kamke of Germany but it seems that Kamke was merely wasting time. He had difficulty holding onto any of the leads that he had and eventually got sweeped aside in 4 sets.

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st "major" seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st “major” seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Now there were two other matches which produced a lot of joy and excitement for the local crowd. Thanasi Kokkinakis and fellow Greek-Aussie Nick Kyrgios aka St. Nicky Kripsy Kringles both won tough 5-set matches. Kokkinakis took out Ernests Gulbis (11). I know Gulbis would not disappoint me by being disappointing in this opening round match. I have no idea why Gulbis lost this match other than to say that it was his entire entire fault. Kokkinaskis took it 5-7 6-0 1-6 7-6(2) 8-6. Krispy Kringles had his own dramatics calling out the trainer to deal with his “back”. He was struggling against Frederico Delbonis (the name sounds familiar but I do not know who he is either). Anyway, Kringles won 7-6(2) 3-6 6-3 6-7 6-3.

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

Anyway, that is enough about the matches! We look forward to Day 2. I hope it is nowhere near as crazy as this first day. That is to say, I hope the Williams Sisters do not lose. They have signed up for doubles and I have no idea why Granny Vee is adding more work to her schedule considering that she has Sjogren but you know I am not even going to touch this right now. Don’t forget that Slowe Stephens v Vickie is slated! Should be a very interesting match to say the least! Anyway fanz enjoy the posting and DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT!!

BIG PICTURE MIXED BAG IS BACK

I am so excited that this is back!!

I am so excited that this is back!!

 #TeamHotties

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Dimitrov, Grigor|atpd875

Grigor’s stock have gone down as of late especially since he’s playing “house” with Martha but he can still get it.

2015+Australian+Open+Day+1+wdkuFbCGS3Rl

Andreas Seppi isn’t looking at his best but he cannot get any worst! This Italian sausage is a sure bet on #teamcandefinitelygetit

f_190115_nadalferrer_11

We are not here for Divadal. He is just giving Fake Fire Ferrer more shine!

Off+Court+2015+Australian+Open+nKlV6pLaFsOl

Tabasco Verdasco has definitely sen better days but he is still able to make the rounds as a resident hottie in these parts

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

#TeamCutie

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

#TeamNottie

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you're a grown man

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you’re a grown man

See he could be on #teamhottie

See he could be on #teamhottie

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

I don't know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I don’t know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she's definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she’s definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

Am I wrong?

Am I wrong?

MIXED BAG PHOTOS

There is nothing I love more than when Tennis Players meet for an event. Here we have the IMG Agency party and so much goodies here for Realz to get it. 

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my list of my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He's a nightmare right about now

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He’s a nightmare right about now! He has definitely been traded

Look at Heather. I don't get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain't cute!

Look at Heather. I don’t get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain’t cute! And let’s talk about that dress. That’s some avant garde upholstery fabric sewed together with some old pleather jacket and you trying to pass it off as fashion. #Gurlbye

I can't even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better

I can’t even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. The clothes are cute but she is not making them work. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better. Meanwhile, I don’t know why the front of the jeans are bunching up like there is extra junk in that compartment. That was not a read, just being realz! #truthdotcom

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can't get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that.

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can’t get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that. 

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend said, gurl let's go to this party, just put on some shoes. So Genie just stuck her top into her pants and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. The gurl on the right killed it!

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend (cause no way in hell a good friend let this happen) said, gurl let’s go to this party down the block, just put on some shoes and let’s go. So Genie just stuck her nightgown top into this pajama bottom shorts and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. Guess Again! The gurl on the right, Tomlijanovic, killed it!

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she's wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she's 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there's no baby.

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a style team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she’s wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. But I can’t even be mad at the kitten heels because everything else is so RIGHT!!Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she’s 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there’s no baby.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don't need those fake ones anymore.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don’t need those fake ones anymore that I have at home.

Weather Problem? 

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne or so I thought …

So why are these people wearing this? That's a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

So why are these people wearing this? That’s a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

It’s just a gay ole time in Melbourne 

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Then we have the "Genie Army" but what I don't get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

Then we have the “Genie Army” but what I don’t get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He's relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that's his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don't think Uncle Toné approves of this message

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He’s relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that’s his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don’t think Uncle Toné approves of this message

 

Wimbledon 2014 Preview I: The Men’s Draw

In Alexander Dolgopolov, Andreas Seppi, Andy Murray, David Ferrer, David Goffin, Dustin Brown, Feliciano Lopez, Fernando Verdasco, Gael Monfils, Grigor Dimitrov, Jerzy Janowicz, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, John Isner, Kei Nishikori, Lleyton Hewitt, Lukas Rosol, Mikhail Youzhny, Milos Raonic, Novak Djokovic, Radek Stepanek, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roger Federer, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Robredo, Wimbledon on June 22, 2014 at 4:19 pm
You know Realz always ignore the rules

You know Realz always ignore the rules

So RealzTenisFanz is finally back on the blogosphere. Currently I am “enjoying” this unemployment status. (Won’t someone hire me and pay me good money?) It is just a brutal affair right now. I might have to start turning tricks and sad to say, I am not a kid. Anyway, let me apologize for not making a single entry for the French Open 2014. I had intentions to do so the entire time. However, I ended up being extremely busy with another gig http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/ Feel free to comment there also as well as here. Now this Hackshaw dude is a lot different from Realz in that he is not as haterrific but I guess one has to be versatile in order to make it to the top or in my case, stay at the bottom.

There not one thing about this picture that makes me happy! Nada! Rien! Nyet!

There not one thing about this picture that makes me happy! Nada! Rien! Nyet! “Hey gurl ReRe, we miss you!” Meanwhile, man in the middle: “That look when you trying to touch the pretty lady’s ass and the man on the other side reaching for yours”

Anywho I am digressing. What can I say about the 2014 French Open? I mean Divadal won his 9th title and 5th in a row and Shriekapova won her 2nd. Now you think I was a happy camper? Nope not in the least! It was as horrid as back in 2012 when there was a similar result.  So here we are 3 weeks later at Wimbledon. By the way, there is talk that next year, there would be a longer grass court season. That would be interesting because as it stands now, there are about 7 tournaments between the men and women (4 for men and 3 for women) and they are mostly going on simultaneously. I think they can do better than this for sure. Most of the top players skipped them and those who showed up with the exception of Mr. Federer, they all lost early.

The Wimbledon Trophies

The Wimbledon Trophies

So let us discuss the draw. On the men’s side, Wimbledon committee chose to this year play around with the seedings for the men. Presumably this was to deal with Andy Murray’s 5th place ranking. He is the defending champion so the Wimbledon feels that if he is outside of the top 4, he is likely to get into trouble. I mean he lost to Radek Stepanek at Queen’s Club in the 3rd round. I don’t know who they think they’re protecting because at Wimbledon, the trouble comes not from the “big boys” but from the scrubs lurking about the place. Anyway, Wimbledon did some hocus pocus Hogwarthian magic with the ranking not just for Lochness Monster but for some other players. I have highlighted the crazy “fixing” by the All-England Club. Do note that Juan Martin Del-Potro aka Beast Boy who is ranked 8th in the world and 27th ranked Nicolas Almagro are not playing so that means everyone below them should only move up one spot. However, Wimbledon School of Magical Farts and Wigotry worked with a “New Math” principles in mind. There are so much to say on the subject but I can’t right now… I am trying to finish this and go for a run…I have to tell you people that the two weeks of major tournament be messing up my gym/run/sleep schedule. I cannot deal. This is summer time and I cannot be gaining weight…. No one is checking for bears these days and Bears are only the interest of Goldilocks if you know what I mean. Anyway, though this seeding business is bullshit, it hardly matters. It is very unlikely that someone other than Djoker, Divadal, Mr. Federer or Lochness Monster will be in the final to take the crown. However, on a matter of principle, it is not okay. Those players who got shafted worked really hard for their rankings and then Wimbledon decides that they are not worthy of it. Meanwhile, the women stayed the same!

Professor Wiggle Wimbledon mucking around with the men's seeds

Professor Wiggle Wimbledon mucking around with the men’s seeds. Changopresto!

Player Wimbledon Seed Actual Ranking
Djoker (Novak Djokovic) 1 2
Divadal (Rafael Nadal) 2 1
Lochness Monster (Andy Murray) 3 5
Mr. Federer (Roger Federer) 4 4
Stan the Man (Stan Wawrinka) 5 3
Berdshite/Lurch (Tomas Berdych) 6 6
Fake Fire Ferrer (David Ferrer) 7 7
Dennis the Menace (Milos Raonic) 8 9
Big Friendly Giant aka BFG (John Isner) 9 11
Kei Nishikori 10 12
Sharapova’s Bulgarian clutch (Grigor Dimitrov) 11 13
Ernests Gulbis 12 10
Richard Gasquet 13 14
Baby Ali (Jo-Wilfried Tsonga) 14 17
Jerzy Janowicz 15 24
Mr. Piggy (Fabio Fognini) 16 15
Mikhail Youzhny 17 16
Tabasco Verdasco (Fernando Verdasco) 18 23
FeFe Lopez (Feliciano Lopez) 19 25
Kevin Anderson 20 18
BWLLAGWLLAB (Alexandr Dolgopolov) 21 19
Philipp Kohlschreiber 22 27
Tommy Robredo 23 22
Beetlejuice (Gael Monfils) 24 21
Andreas Seppi 25 34
Chin Cilic (Marin Cilic) 26 29
Roberto Bautista Agut 27 28
Guillermo Garcia-Lopez 28 31
Ivo Karlovic 29 33
Marcel Granollers 30 30
Vasek Pospisil 31 35
Dmitry Tursunov 32 32

I am going to divide the men’s draw into halves and then quarters. I will discuss the players in each section, labelling each section based on the top seeds. I will highlight the various potential matchups and key matches to watch. I am not making predictions because you know how that goes. All I can say as always, I want Mr. Federer to win. That will never change.

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Djoker (1) v Berdshite (6)

Djoker is looking for another Wimbledon crown

Djoker is looking for another Wimbledon crown

Djoker (2011 Champion) opens his campaign for a 2nd Wimbledon crown against Andrey Golubev. He has a potential 2nd round match up against Shark Boy Stepanek. However, knowing how Shark Boy loves to play 5 set matches in majors, Djoker will be fresh and ready to crush him.  There is also a potential class between Djoker and Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Baby Ali (14) in the Round of 16. Now we all remember that beat down Baby Ali got recently in Paris by the hands of Djoker. I am sure Baby Ali would be looking for revenge. I am not sure how much he would be able to exact because Djoker is hungry to win a major this year. He has come up short twice already and he is not feeling that at all.

Baby Ali has a winning smile but that will not help him at the All-England Club

Baby Ali has a winning smile but that will not help him at the All-England Club

On the other side of this quarter lies Berdshite who has made the final here in 2010. He has all the attributes to be an excellent grass court player other than the fact that he is a Neanderthal’s brain. Berdshite has to get pass Marin Chin Cilic (26) in the 3rd round and then face in the Round of 16 the winner of the Ernests Gulbis (12) v Tabasco Verdasco (18) 3rd round match. There was some HUGE HITTERS in this section of the draw. Would be very interesting to see what happens here.

Quarter 2: Lochness Monster (3) v Fake Fiery Ferrer (7)
Lochness Monster is the defending champion and he comes into this Wimbledon with a female coach, 2006 champion Amelie Mauresmo. This is a huge headline in and of itself. I must admit that initial when this talk of their partnership was a rumour, I did not think it would happen. However, when it was in fact finalized, I really have no issue with it. I mean a coach is someone telling you what to do. It is not like the coach needs to be of a specific gender or of a certain calibre former player. I know a lot of guys have a lot of bullshit to say. However, I think this is a good partnership and more than likely Amelie will stop Lochness Monster from giving those monster faces all the time on court. He will be force to act more like an adult than a sullen child. Anyway, he has a really easy draw. He got a scrub, David Goffin in the 1st round and then possible a Spaniard clay court specialist though he just won a grass court tournament in Holland, Roberto Bautista-Agut (27) in the 3rd round or Mr. Piggy, Fabio Fognini (16) or Kevin Anderson (20) in the 4th round. I do not know when is Lochness Monster’s birthday but he can consider this a birthday/Christmas gift all rolled up in one.

Lochness Monster is giving me FACE!!

Lochness Monster is giving me FACE!!

Now listen to me, you have to play the one-handed slice backhand... Can you do that for me?

Now listen to me, you have to play the one-handed slice backhand… Can you do that for me? It worked against Henin.

On the other end is Grigor Dimitrov (11) aka Shriekapova’s Bulgarian handbag who opens against American Ryan Harrison. Rising star, Austria’s Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem is a potential 2nd round opponent for the clutch purse. This should be a good match up but I think Grigor will come through. It would be a very good looking match nonetheless. I think Ferrer who is on the bottom of this section should come through for at least the Round of 16. There is a matchup of some interest here when Dustin Brown who inexplicably defeated Divadal in Halle couple of weeks ago. “Dreddy Tennis” as he calls himself, will play against Marcos Fatdatis in the 1st round. I would like to see how this one turns out.

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Mr. Federer (4) v Stan the Man (5)

Wimbledon+Championships+Previews+5lvXnD-Wf0tl

Live Fast? Just don’t die quick out there. Last year you punked out in the 2nd round much to my horror. I can’t deal with these kinda dismal results at all this year

Live Fast? Just don't die quick out there. Last year you punked out in the 2nd round much to my horror. I can't deal with these kinda dismal results at all this year

Hopefully that is a rising sun and not a setting one… Because your career seems to be near dusk right about now

Mr. Federer (4) the 7th time champion is looking for his 8th title here. He faces a bothersome Frenchman Julien Benneteau in the 2nd round and then possibly Dingo Dog Hewitt or 2013 semifinalist Jerzy Janowicz (15) or Tommy Robredo (23) in the 4th round. Stan the Man (5) has not done well on grass here but still he deserves his ranking of 3 in the world. Anyway, he will have a tough time getting out of this part of the draw. Not only is Mr. Federer a possible quarterfinal opponent but he could face either Denis Istomin or Dmitry Tursunov (32) in the 3rd round and then Alejandro Falla and FeFe Lopez (19) in the 4th round. A good match that might be featured is FeFe Lopez v BFG Isner (9). However, Isner is not known for his grass court prowess. I mean he has never got past the 2nd round EVER here at Wimbledon. So Lopez might be able to sneak into the quarters.

Stan the Man at least the back of him gossiping with Maria's clutch, Grigor

Stan the Man at least the back of him gossiping with Maria’s clutch, Grigor

Quarter 4: Divadal (2) v Dennis the Menace Raonic (8)
Dennis the Menace should make the quarters here though it would be a nice matchup between him and Kei Nishikori (10) in the Round of 16. There is also the match of Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) v Nishikori in the 3rd round that should be worthy of attention.

Kei gurl... oh no... this is not acceptable. Here I thought you were cute until you smiled. No no no... I'm gonna need you to do better! Definitely, you looking like Charley Horse with that smile

Kei gurl… oh no… this is not acceptable. Here I thought you were cute until you smiled. No no no… I’m gonna need you to do better! Definitely, you looking like Charley Horse with that smile

Dennis the Menace is thinking about doing some damage here at Wimbledon with that lethal 1st serve!

Dennis the Menace is thinking about doing some damage here at Wimbledon with that lethal 1st serve!

Now a lot of people have picked Divadal to win the title. I am not sure why considering his recent record on grass. However, this is Divadal and you know how he and his “magical body” do operate. So he really stands a good chance to win. Anyway, he may have to deal with Lukas Rosol again in the 2nd round and possibly Ivo Karlovic (29) in the 3rd round. If he can get past that, there is the fickle Frenchmen of Richard Gasquet (13) and Beetlejuice (24) in the Round of 16. A lot of people feel that this is a “Draw of Death” of Divadal but seriously, this is Divadal we are talking about. I hope he loses but I do not expect that to happen at all. He has the potential of really extending his lead as the number one player since he won no points here last year when he was defeated in the 1st round by Steve Darcis. Djoker on the other hand got to the final.

Divadal getting his Wimbledon practice in

Divadal getting his Wimbledon practice in

However, before he got to Wimbledon on his boat relaxing with "friend". I don't see Xisca there about. My eyes aren't that good. Let me know if you see her.

However, before he got to Wimbledon on his boat relaxing with “friend”. I don’t see Xisca there about. My eyes aren’t that good. Let me know if you see her. “Realz I know you send these paparazzi for me! Leave me alone!!”

This is from last year around this time

This is from last year around this time

Another recent vacay... Gurl let me rub some oil on your back.

Another recent vacay… Gurl let me rub some oil on your back.

Who knew Divadal like them "thickems" Apparently not only Goldilocks checking for bears and cubs

Who knew Divadal like them “thickems” Apparently not only Goldilocks checking for bears and cubs

Mr. Federer getting a nice send off from being the President of the Player's Council! He got babies at home to take care oh. He ain't got no time for politics.

Mr. Federer getting a nice send off from being the President of the Player’s Council! He got babies at home to take care oh. He ain’t got no time for politics. Those shoes Mr. Federer is wearing, Loro Piana. And those “simple loafers” cost at least $800USD. I wonder if he wants to adopt me

I mean look at this line up.. I mean where do I begin... or should I say who do I begin with?

I mean look at this line up.. I mean where do I begin… or should I say who do I begin with? We can leave off Anderson (in the flip flops). Have to be a very drunk night.

I think I am hurt myself

I think I am hurt myself

Yeah I can see that right there on your ankle. You might want to get up and get some help. We're busy out here right now..

Yeah I can see that right there on your ankle. You might want to get up and get some help. We’re busy out here right now..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Australian Oven 2014: Day 4

In Agnes Radwanska, Alize Cornet, Andreas Seppi, Andy Murray, Australian Open, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, Dominika Cibulkova, Donald Young, Feliciano Lopez, Grigor Dimitrov, Jerzy Janowicz, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kei Nishikori, Milos Raonic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Slaone Stephens, Varvara Lepchenko on January 16, 2014 at 8:18 am
It is HOT HOT down under!!

It is HOT HOT down under!!

Hey fanz! I hope some of you got to read Day 3 post and if you have not, I hope you do so today. Well the Aussie Oven was one of extremes yesterday. The place was on fire and play had to be suspended. The EXTREME HEAT RULE was put into effect. All courts with roofs will be closed after the current sets and play will resume indoor. All play on outside will be suspended after current sets to await a drop in temperatures. When play resumed after the heat break, the thunder and lightning ensued, suspending play again. This seriously messed up the schedule. So it would be that I would have posted this and some matches would have not been completed. As I right there are several matches taking place on other courts which usually would not be seeing play at this late hour.

My crotch is on fire!! Save me!! Save it!

My crotch is on fire!! Save me!! Save it!

I need the ice in my body, in my veins to keep cool

I need the ice in my body, in my veins to keep cool

She was hallucinating

She was hallucinating

Anyway, in the heat, Maria Shriekapova pulled through a tough match against Karin Knapp of Italy. Maria has been struggling this major. Usually she handles these no namers in convincing fashion but these last 2 rounds showed her to be less than stellar. Anyway, she won the 1st set 6-3 but sloppy serving handed Karin the 2nd set. Maria served for the match 5-4 in the 3rd but then soon lost her way as the Italian broke back and held serve to be up 6-5. Maria now had to serve to stay in the match. She did so three times to get to 8-8. It was at this point Maria got herself together to break and serve out the match 10-8. In her final service game, Maria double faulted 3 times. This kinda play will not serve her well against the likes of Vickie or the Serenanator. Maria 6-3 4-6 10-8.

I will take the win even if it wasn't pretty

I will take the win even if it wasn’t pretty

Vickie won her match in straight sets 6-1 6-4. Danish Biscuit (10) had an up and down match against American Christina McFail… I mean McHale. McHale got bagelled in the 1st set and then came back to take the 2nd 6-1. But I know McHale, I know that surge in energy was too good to be true. She was going to let me down in the 3rd and she did not disappoint. She lost the match 2-6 in the 3rd. McHale has been on the tour long enough now to be getting on better in these types of matches. She is acting too often like an amateur. I know she had “mono” recently but that is no excuse to be acting like a “dodo” on court. She you can do way better than this.

I thought someone got rid of this Foo!!

I thought someone got rid of this Foo!!

An interesting matchup took place between Camila Giorgi and Alize Cornet. Cornet won the match 6-4 4-6 6-4. However, she only hit SIX winners as Giorgi committed SEVENTY THREE unforced errors. The Italian gifted this match to the French. This is madness. Giorgi should be spanked around court. Cornet on the other hand will face Maria who I am sure will not spare the opportunity to punish those weak shots of Cornet. Watch out for a bagel/breadstick sets.

OMG I won! I won! I won a 2nd round match!!

OMG I won! I won! I won a 2nd round match!!

Other winners include Simona Halep (11) who shone brilliantly in the sun whilst her opponent Varvarne Lepchenko faded in the light. The American won the 1st set 6-4 but won only 1 game for the next 13. She couldn’t deal with the heat. Carlo Navarro-Suarez (16) came from behind 2-5 to take the match 8-6 in the 3rd v Galina Voskoboeva. Meanwhile, Elena Svitolina made good on her upset of Kuzi-Rex by taking out Aussie wildcard Olga Rogowska 6-4 7-5. Radwanska (5) is also through to the 3rd round as are Fivehead Jankovic (8) Dominika Cibulkova (20) and Anastasia Fattychunkova (29). All won in straight sets. Sloane Stephens (13) had a tougher time in her match. She was down a set 3-6 v Aija Tomljanovic but reeled off 7 straight games to take the 2nd 2-6 and being up 3-0 in the 3rd. However, the heavens open up and Stephens lost her way. The Croat took the next 5 games and served for the match 5-3. However, she lost her way at that point and dropped the next 4 games. Stephens won 3-6 6-2 7-5

WTF it is going to rain now?? The weather goddess is definitely menopausal

WTF it is going to rain now?? The weather goddess is definitely menopausal

On the men’s side of things, fewer matches have been completed at this point. Divadal got through his match rather quickly 6-2 6-4 6-2. Mr. Federer also got through in straight sets but he sorta took a scenic tour in the 3rd 6-2 6-1 7-6. Nishikori (16) and Monfils (25) also came through in straight sets.

Beetlejuice will do battle against Divadal in the 3rd round!!

Beetlejuice will do battle against Divadal in the 3rd round!!

Hotness .... Bellucci and Baby Ali... a delicious combo if there ever was one

Hotness …. Bellucci and Baby Ali… a delicious combo if there ever was one

Baby Ali (10) got past Thomaz Bellucci who can be a tough customer especially with this heat. Ali came through in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-4. I hope Bellucci gets his life together soon. He is HOT and he can play decent tennis. He deserves to at least be on the cusp of winning a major. Milos Raonic (11) aka Denis the Menace, Grigor Dimitrov (22) aka Mr. Sharapova former Mr. Serenanator also came through in straight sets as did FeFe Lopez (26). This top half is LOADED with talent. It is going to be “epic” matches to get through to the next round.

Donald Young...going cookoo for this Coco Puff

Donald Young…going cookoo for this Coco Puff

Hot matchup of the day is Donald Young v Andreas Seppi (24). So much hotness on the court… the temperature went up 20 degrees with these two on court together. Young took the 1st set 6-4 but dropped the 2nd 2-6. Seppi loves marathon matches but Young took the 3rd 6-3. However, Seppi was determined to get this to a 5th set at the least and he denied Young the chance to close it out in 4 by taking the 4th set 6-4. The heat rule went into effect. I was so mad at Young because he had this on his racquet and these kinda opportunities have been rare in his career. Nonetheless, upon return Young got his life together to take the 5th set 7-5 and thus the match. EXCELLENT on his part to make the 3rd round of another major.

Don't worry boo I got you

Don’t worry boo I got you

It must be noted that 2 lucky losers are through to the 3rd round here at the Oven… Stephane Robert of France and Martin Klizan of Slovakia. Congratulations dudes for not wasting your opportunities and make that paper as much as you can now!!

Currently going on is Chin Cilic struggling inexplicably against Gilles Simon. DelPo getting it together to close out the match in 4 sets.

Lochness Monster is ready to try and win another major

Lochness Monster is ready to try and win another major

Update: Lochness Monster pulled through is match 6-2 6-2 7-5… being down 1-5 in the 3rd he won 23 STRAIGHT POINTS. Gosh the French can be so annoying. Millot you couldn’t even win one more game. WTF?? Meanwhile, Chin Cilic and Simon are in a 5th set. Cilic got breadsticked in the 4th set.

See what happens when you pay some people compliments... I just said her outfit last time was nice... now look at this mess??

See what happens when you pay some people compliments… I just said her outfit last time was nice… now look at this mess??

So hot even my boobs are watering

So hot even my boobs are watering

Jesus all I want to be right now is that mist on Janowicz body...Yes Lord make me into a droplet of water... You turned water into wine. Surely you can turn man into mist. Let me run all the way down his chest and back to get his heaven....

Jesus all I want to be right now is that mist on Janowicz body…Yes Lord make me into a droplet of water… You turned water into wine. Surely you can turn man into mist. Let me run all the way down his chest and back to get his heaven….

Australian Open 2014: Day 1

In Alexander Dolgopolov, Andreas Seppi, Angelique Kerber, Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Daniela Hantuchova, Ekaterina Makarova, Jie Zheng, Juan Monaco, Klara Zakopolova, Laura Robson, Li Na, Marcos Baghdatis, Mikhail Youzhny, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Radek Stepanek, Richard Gasquet, Sabine Lisicki, Sam Stosur, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Robredo, Tsvetana Pironkova, Venus Williams on January 13, 2014 at 9:15 am
Let me in!! Let me in!!

Let me in!! Let me in!!

Now that Day 1 is over, I do not think that any of the results came as a HUGE surprise. I mean there were upsets and of course disappointments but all in all, the results mostly reflected what has been trending for a while.

On the ladies, side, the Serenanator (1) wasted little time dispatching her Aussie opponent as she in barely an hour, took the match 6-2 6-1. Ashleigh Barty had some good shots here and there but it was not enough to stop the American.

I know you are ready for your opponents ReRe but I am not ready for this outfit! BURN IT!!!

I know you are ready for your opponents ReRe but I am not ready for this outfit! BURN IT!!!

LiNaLi (4) also looked impressive as she dumped her opponent 6-2 6-0. The 9th seed, Kerber had a lil problem with Jarmila Gajdosova but came through in 3 sets 6-3 0-6 6-2. Ivanovic the Terrible (14) came through comfortably in straight sets as did Sabine Lisicki (15) Monica Niculescu, Tsetvana Pironkova, Moaning Mona Barthel, Yanina Wickmayer and Monica Puig. 18th seed Kristen Flipkens took out British Laura Robson 6-3 6-0. Robson needs to get her life together if she wants to make a decent living on the tour and not be another Anne Keothavong. Meanwhile, Robson’s countrywoman Heather Watson also lost though she made her match a bit more competitive v Daniela Hanthucova (31) 5-7 6-3 3-6.

LiNaLi showing off that sliced backhand

LiNaLi showing off that sliced backhand

Some interesting results on the ladies side…. Well first off you know I am smarting because Venus Williams set me up again!! I can’t with this woman. She was bossing Ekaterina Makarova (22) around for a set and a half 6-2 4-4 but all of sudden, Venus double faulted 3 times in a row to hand the game and basically the set to Makarova. In the 3rd set, Venus was up 3-0! Then she lost the next 6 of 7 games. I was beside myself. She was playing so well. The groundstrokes were popping and she was moving forward. However, she just decided to hurt my feelings and mess up my entire evening. Makarova moves to the 2nd round having taken out another Williams Sister 2-6 6-4 6-4.

Venus angst!!!

Venus angst!!!

Makarova is making it a habit of taking out Williams in Australia

Makarova is making it a habit of taking out Williamses in Australia

There were several other interesting results: Like I said of Petra Kvitova, she is going into fast decline and that showed up in her lost to Luksika Kimkhum (I wish I were making up this name). Kvitova (6) got bounced 2-6 6-1 6-4 to some unknown Thai player. She was not the only top seed to said bye bye to Melbourne, the doubles team of Roberta Vinci (12) and Sara Errani (7) were both dismissed from the singles event. Vinci going down in straights to former semifinalist Jie Zheng and Errani leaving thanks to Julia Goerges.

Wearing pepto bismal pink, playing like diarrhea, game and ranking slipping and dating Stepanek. Yes, Stepanek curse in full effect

Wearing pepto bismal pink, playing like diarrhea, game and ranking slipping and dating Stepanek. Yes, Stepanek curse in full effect

I see boobs but I am not sure... this is very feMALE indeed

I see boobs but I am not sure… this is very feMALE indeed

Of course I was very excited when I saw the draw and it was Kvitova I was playing. She is still dating Stepanek right? So I knew I had more than a shot! I had a winning shot

Of course I was very excited when I saw the draw and it was Kvitova I was playing. She is still dating Stepanek right? So I knew I had more than a shot! I had a winning shot

I should also mention that Stosur avenged her recent lost to Klara Zakopalova by beating her in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Also Granny Goodness Date-Krumm lost to perhaps the youngest girl in the field Belinda Bencic of Switzerland in straight sets.

Thank you very much for coming. Nice warm up

Thank you very much for coming. Nice warm up

On the men’s side, things were more routine. Ferrer (3) and Djoker Harlequeen (2) wasted no time getting rid of their opponents in straight sets. There is no point in sticking around on court for more time than you need to. Stan Wawrinka (8) got even less time when his opponent reitred in the 2nd set. Fabio Fognini (15) also benefitted from a retirement when Alex Bogomolov went out injured. Bershite (7) also is through in straight sets as well as Richard Gasquet (9), Mikhail Youzhny (14), Jeremy Chardy (29) and Dmitri Tursanov (30).

Oh wait she is not one of the guys...

Oh wait she is not one of the guys…

Jerzy Janowicz (20) perhaps love work because he was out there for 5 sets for no apparent reason but he is through to the 2nd round. Other 5 set winners include Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19) Julian Benneteau and Nikolay Davydenko.

Glittering Gulbis

Glittering Gulbis

Munchable Monaco

Munchable Monaco

23rd seed Ernest Gulbis beat Juan Monaco in 4 sets. This is a sad result because they are both such PHYNE specimen but Monaco has not been so well since the break up with a certain top Diva. That Gulbis is even seeded and Monaco is not, shows how much the Argentine is hurting from that dismissal. Marcos Baghdatis, known for his on court heroics, had a major fail in front of this very Cypriot crowd when Uzbekistani Denis Istomin knocked him out in straight sets and did so in fine style. Ivan Dodig (32) knocked out monster server Ivo Karlovic in straight sets also.

Divadal was only fcuking with your head. You know that. Realz loves you not Divadal!

Divadal was only fcuking with your head. You know that. Realz loves you not Divadal!

Tomorrow, both bottom halves will be playing and we are set to see Divadal, Mr. Federer, Lochness Monster, Baby Ali, Beetlejuice, Vickie, Fivehead Jungle Witch, Bratzwanska and Shriekapova all on court.

Let us take a break and just watch

Let us take a break and just watch

Don’t forget to spread the word about REALZTENISFANZ!!!

Venus I do not even know what to say about this head!!! ratchet!!

Venus I do not even know what to say about this head!!! ratchet!!

Robson you look like someone's runaway bridesmaid. WTF is this dress about??

Robson you look like someone’s runaway bridesmaid. WTF is this dress about??

I need to get me a sip of Andreas Seppi indeed

I need to get me a sip of Andreas Seppi indeed

Oh Patty Rafter... you're turning into Fatty Rafter these days

Oh Patty Rafter… you’re turning into Fatty Rafter these days

Spanish Armada!!... At least part of the fleet

Spanish Armada!!… At least part of the fleet

I am best amongst my fellow menz

I am best amongst my fellow menz

Did someone fart?? I am smelling shite....Oh Hey Tomic.....

Did someone fart?? I am smelling shite….Oh Hey Tomic…..

So you gonna come by my room later right. I will leave the door open

So you gonna come by my room later right. I will leave the door open

Mister, I can see your penis and that's not okay at this time

Mister, I can see your penis and that’s not okay at this time

They say I was going to get groupies but I didn't want these old bitches..

They say I was going to get groupies but I didn’t want these old bitches..

Wimbledon 2013: Manic Monday

In Agnes Radwanska, Andreas Seppi, Andy Murray, Bernard Tomic, Carla Suarez Narravo, David Ferrer, Fernando Verdasco, Flavia Pennetta, Jerzy Janowicz, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kaia Kanepi, Laura Robson, Li Na, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Mikhail Youzhny, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams, Slaone Stephens, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Haas, Tsvetana Pironkova, Wimbledon on July 2, 2013 at 7:54 am
Sabine Lisicki, the French Open champion slayer!

Sabine Lisicki, the French Open champion slayer!

Yeah gurl, I am like WTF too??

Yeah gurl, I am like WTF too??

I have always hated Mondays. Since a child, Mondays was the worst day to look forward to. It spoils the freedom of Sunday because of it inevitable arrival the next day. And this end Monday of Wimbledon, where all 16 Round of 16 matches are played for singles, made me hate Mondays even more. I do not even know what to say about this day. I mean the only upset of the day…. the ONLY ONE is the UPSET. I would not have ever imagined that the Serenanator would have gone out like this. I know that Lisicki is a good player…but the Serenanator is clearly better. I am at a lost for words. You know my mood was considerably dampened by this result. It is not just the fact that the Serenanator lost (at least Venus gets to keep one record to herself of 35 win match streak). However, it was the fact that everyone I hold so near and dear to my heart is not here for me to cheer. I have cleared my calender, took time off from work and what do I get, a possible final between Djoker v Lochness Monster or worst, Bratzwanska v Bartoli. Are you fcuking kidding me? What kinda rubbish is the tennis gods pour out from their heavens. This has been an utter mess of a major. I mean even Divadal is out and you know how much I can do without his company.

Maybe they're right. There must be sugar in the grass. Perhaps Sugarpova??

Maybe they’re right. There must be sugar in the grass. Perhaps Sugarpova??

Who me? I did not put any Superpova in the grass. I pinky swear it......Now I am not saying someone else did not put it as per my instructions but I did not pour my diabetes inducing candy on Centre Court.

Who me? I did not put any Superpova in the grass. I pinky swear it……Now I am not saying someone else did not put it as per my instructions but I did not pour my diabetes inducing candy on Centre Court.

 

I guess the tennis gods are perhaps righting some wrong because all of then current French Open champions that Lisicki took out, were all improbable winners. Kuzi, LiNaLi, Shriekapova and now the Serenanator. No one of these players, perhaps with the exception of Kuzi Rex, were ever known for being clay court specialist. However, at the French Open, they totally dominated the surface and could have fooled even the wise observer that clay was a natural part of their game. I guess I should be at peace somewhat but I really cannot deal with this nonsense. I want this thing to be over and for us to pretend that Wimbledon 2013 NEVER HAPPENED at all. Who is with me?

I mean other than the fact that the Serenanator lost yesterday, the higher seed won. There were no other upsets. I could not believe it. I was hoping that perhaps Youzhny would have knock Murray out but the Chernobyl Disaster as per the norm, had a melt down. People Jerzy Janowicz and Lukas Kubot as in the quarters and either one of them will be in the semis of Wimbledon. WTF?? WTMFF?? This cannot be happening.

Anyway, here are the results… I cannot talk anymore

15

M. Bartoli

6

6

K. Knapp

2

3

4

A. Radwanska

4

6

6

T. Pironkova

6

3

3

17

S. Stephens

4

7

6

M. Puig

6

5

1

6

N. Li

6

6

11

R. Vinci

2

0

L. Robson

66

5

K. Kanepi

78

7

1

S. Williams

2

6

4

23

S. Lisicki

6

1

6

20

K. Flipkens

77

6

F. Pennetta

62

3

8

P. Kvitova

77

6

19

C. Suarez Navarro

65

3

1

N. Djokovic

6

6

77

13

T. Haas

1

4

64

7

T. Berdych

77

65

6

6

B. Tomic

64

77

4

4

F. Verdasco

6

6

6

K. De Schepper

4

4

4

8

J. del Potro

6

77

6

23

A. Seppi

4

62

3

2

A. Murray

6

77

6

20

M. Youzhny

4

65

1

4

D. Ferrer

63

78

6

6

I. Dodig

77

66

1

1

L. Kubot

4

6

3

6

6

A. Mannarino

6

3

6

3

4

24

J. Janowicz

3

77

6

4

6

J. Melzer

6

61

4

6

4

Wimbledon 2013: Day 5

In Alexander Dolgopolov, Alize Cornet, Andreas Seppi, Andy Murray, Angelique Kerber, Carla Suarez Narravo, Dustin Brown, Fernando Verdasco, Flavia Pennetta, Grigor Dimitrov, Jerzy Janowicz, Laura Robson, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Nicolas Almagro, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Sergiy Stakhovsky, Slaone Stephens, Tennis, Tommy Haas, Tommy Robredo, Urszula Radwanska, Wimbledon on June 29, 2013 at 7:56 am

court_2964517

wimbledon-rain

For Day 5 of Wimbledon, the rains wreaked havoc on the schedule, hampering much of the day’s play. With the weather being so unpredictable, only 1 of the 18 courts were in operation; Centre Court where play begins at 1:00 p.m. Meanwhile, regular scheduled play starts at 11:30 p.m. Added to all of this is the fact that men’s doubles matches are best of 5 sets. Did I mention that Wimbledon does not play tennis on the middle Sunday? And they wonder why things are always so backed up each year. Utter madness if you ask me. The English hold onto traditions despite the overwhelming evidence that not only are they archaic but also inefficient.  Anyway, when the rains did let up, they were able to complete all of the suspended and postponed matches that were carrying over from yesterday.

Oh all rightey then... I am not sure how to even approach this one. It's June/July in England right? Just checking

Oh all rightey then… I am not sure how to even approach this one. It’s June/July in England right? Just checking

There were only three ladies 2nd round matches to be completed and 2 of them were fought amongst unseeded players. Young British hopeful, Laura Robson is through to the 3rd round with a convincing victory over her Venezuelan opponent, 6-4 6-1. This was her 1st win on Centre Court according to the pundits. I am sure she has not had that much visits to the arena in the 1st place for it to be a mentionable stat but I am not even gonna check them on that. Bratzwanska’s sister Urszula Radwanska looked poised to get to the 2nd week on Wimbledon but she as per the norm lost her mind on court and went down in 3 sets to American Alison Riske 6-4 3-6 4-6. In the lone upset of the day, Kaia Kanepi knocked out 7th seed Angelina Carebear Kerber in 3 sets. Kanepi always makes a good showing of herself at both the French Open and Wimbledon and yesterday was no different. Kanepi looked to be down and out in the 1set set but she came back in the tiebreaker and totally dominated the 3rd set. Kanepi is through to the 3rd round 3-6 7-6 6-3.

Laura Robson: Have you seen the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man? Have you seen the muffin man who lives on Centre Court Lane?

Laura Robson: Have you seen the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man? Have you seen the muffin man who lives on Centre Court Lane?

Carebear Kerber was feeling no love yesterday from Kanepi

Carebear Kerber was feeling no love yesterday from Kanepi

I am not about niceness...I'm a gonna punch you in the face itch!

I am not about niceness…I’m a gonna punch you in the face itch!

On the men’s side, five 2nd round matches were to be completed. 29th seed Grigor Dimitrov was facing sudden death against his opponent Greg Zemlja being down 8-9. Dimitrov had to stave off 4/5 match points in his opening serving game for the day and though he was able to save himself then. His erratic/inconsistent style of play let him down and he was sent bouncing 9-11 in the 5th set. With this 2nd round loss, it proves how perfect coupling he and Shriekapova are; a matching pair of 2nd round losers. Anyway, 13th seed Tommy Haas won his match against Taipei’s Wang 6-3 6-2 7-5. 26th seed Dolgopolov aka BWLLAGWLLAB finished off his Colombian opponent Giraldo 6-4 7-5 6-3. Fiery Ferrer (4) and Jeremy Chardy (28) had to get through their matches in 4 sets. All these players were had to complete their 2nd round matches yesterday will play again today for a place in the Round of 16 matches on Monday.

Au revoir Grigor

Au revoir Grigor

I got all dolled up for an epic 5th set match up and this mofo lost it in 3 games. WTF? Let me get out of here before someone notices me.

I got all dolled up for an epic 5th set match up and this mofo lost it in 3 games. WTF? Let me get out of here before someone notices me.

Of the 8 scheduled men’s matches, only 4 were completed and the trend of upsetter getting knocked out in the next round continued as both Dustin Brown who took out Hewitt and Sergiy Stakhovsky who took out Mr. Federer, were sent packing by their opponents. Brown lost in straight sets to Adrian Mannarino 4-6 2-6 5-7 and Stakhovsky lost in 4 to Jurgen Meltdown 2-6 6-2 5-7 3-6. The felix felicis potion that both Brown and Stakhovsky took in their previous round most definitely wore off and they looked their usual mediocre selves on court.

WTF? The magic potion wore off already?? SHITE

WTF? The magic potion wore off already?? SHITE

I beat Mr. Federer and I am still a loser...I can't take this anymore

I beat Mr. Federer and I am still a loser…I can’t take this anymore

Andy Murray the 2nd seed had to face 32nd seed Tommy Robredo which potentially could have been a tricky match for the Scotsman. However, he dealt with it quite decisively as he dominated nearly all areas of the match 6-2 6-4 7-5. He has a very easy draw with Divadal, Tsonga and Mr. Federer being out already from the tournament. The stars could not have aligned themselves more perfectly for Lochness Monster to get to his 2nd consecutive Wimbledon final. Jerzy Janowicz (24) who is fast becoming a fan favourite is through to this 1st Round of 16 at a major if I am not mistaken. He took on Nicolas Almagro (15) who was unable to win a set as the Pole showed consistent and brilliant plays to win the match 7-6 6-3 6-4. The other 4 matches were postponed for today’s schedule. I guess now it makes sense for the players to have this middle Sunday off. The most interesting matchup of the quartet is Gulbis v Verdasco.

Lochness Monster as always looking unpretty

Lochness Monster as always looking unpretty

Janowicz is let's say very very strong in the face. He looks like Iron Man while in the suit

Janowicz is let’s say very very strong in the face. He looks like Iron Man while in the suit

I think this might Jerzy's daddy

I think this might Jerzy’s daddy

On the ladies’ side, only 5 of the 8 matches were completed with the other three being suspended. Flavia Pennetta knocked out the 29th seed Alize Cornet 0-6 7-6 6-2. Michelle Larcher d Brito who took out Maria Sharapova was knocked out herself when her Italian opponent Knapp snapped her in two 7-5 6-2. Marian Bartoli (15) aka la petite grosse is still hanging around and can prove to be a dangerous floating as this half of the draw is now wide open. Bartoli exacted revenge of sorts for Cornet by beating another Italian Giorgi 6-4 7-5. The 19th and 20th seeds, Carlo Suarez-Navarro and Kris Flipkens both won their matches in straight sets to progress to the 2nd week.

Oh Carlo

Oh Carlo

Oh Martian Bartoli

Oh Martian Bartoli

Stephens (17) and Cetkovska will begin the 3rd set today after splitting the first two. Stephens got bagelled in the 2nd set. Monica Puig who upset Errani on the 1st day of the Championships dropped the 1st set against her opponent and will resume play down 1-2 in the 2nd. Petra Kvitova aka Grand High Witch, 2011 Wimbledon champion needs to get GPS on her broom or something because she is always losing her way in matches. The 8th seed is the highest remaining seed in the bottom half of the draw and face the ever dangerous floater Ekaterina Makarova (25). You would remember that Makarova in 2012 knocked out the Serenanator out of the Aussie Open. Anyway, GHW won the 1st set 6-3 then dropped the 2nd 2-6. She is currently down 1-2 in the 3rd set. I really do not know what to say about Kvitova anymore. I mean there is potential there but certainly is neither fitness nor mental fortitude there.

Petra is petrified to win these days

Petra is petrified to win these days

I don't know where I put my book of spells

I don’t know where I put my book of spells

And we are back on schedule. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO SPREAD THE WORD AROUND ABOUT REALZTENISFANZ. I WOULD APPRECIATE ANY AND ALL COMMENTS, FEEDBACK AND HATERATION.

I am on:

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Gmail: rtfanznewzletter@gmail.com

The Serenanator and Lochness Monster have allegedly agreed to a Battle of the Sexes exhibition match up

The Serenanator and Lochness Monster have allegedly agreed to a Battle of the Sexes exhibition match up

I for one do not agree to this sorta thing because clearly the Serenantor outclasses Nessie

I for one do not agree to this sorta thing because clearly the Serenantor outclasses Nessie

No m'am you are not going to find a real sense of style there either.

No m’am you are not going to find a real sense of style there either.

I guess there are two muffin men running around Wimbledon

I guess there are two muffin men running around Wimbledon

Motherfcuker that's just uncouth. You're fixing your freaking dentures in the royal box on Centre Court. I can't take your @$$ anywhere

Motherfcuker that’s just uncouth. You’re fixing your freaking dentures in the royal box on Centre Court. I can’t take your @$$ anywhere

Front: Grigor's "girlfriend" Behind Zemlja's "boyfriend" Sweetheart, you couldn't do something about that mug... Really? It's like someone dragged you away from the home depot to watch the match. It would need more than a little makeup to do you wonders

Front: Grigor’s “girlfriend” Behind Zemlja’s “boyfriend” Sweetheart, you couldn’t do something about that mug… Really? It’s like someone dragged you away from the home depot to watch the match. It would need more than a little makeup to do you wonders

I thought you said she does not come to your matches. I didn't know she was going to be here. She lost early so she said she'll pop in as she had all this free time. But this was suppose to be out time... I know... I'm sorry

What is she doing here? I thought you said she does not come to your matches. I didn’t know she was going to be here. She lost early so she said she’ll pop in as she had all this free time. But this was suppose to be out time… I know… I’m sorry

 

And here we have Divadal in the Swimsuit category: He has chosen to accessorize the true blue trunks with some crime scene tape on the left knee. The irony: We all know it is criminal how Divadal be using that "knee" as an excuse for all his failures in life.

And here we have Divadal in the Swimsuit category: He has chosen to accessorize the true blue trunks with some crime scene tape on the left knee. The irony: We all know it is criminal how Divadal be using that “knee” as an excuse for all his failures in life.

First off gurl, this is tennis court not Night court so you can't wear negligee on this court and second, you're making me hard and that's very distracting right now to call this match.

First off gurl, this is tennis court not Night court so you can’t wear negligee on this court and second, you’re making me hard and that’s very distracting right now to call this match.

2013 Wimbledon Day 1

In Andrea Petkovic, Andreas Seppi, Andy Murray, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Fernando Verdasco, Flavia Pennetta, French Open, Grigor Dimitrov, James Blake, Jelena Jankovic, John Isner, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sam Stosur, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Stanislav Wawrinka, Steve Darcis, Victoria Azarenka, Wimbledon on June 25, 2013 at 4:58 am
Please forgive me

Please forgive me

Welcome my fanz. Let me apologize for not finishing up the French Open coverage by posting pieces on the semis and finals of the tournament. I mean what can I say, I was definitely over the French Open at that stage. The semis were all kinda lacklustre especially since Djoker came up limp against Divadal. He can be such a loser. Serenanator just simply dismantled Errani and surprisingly so did David Ferrer against Tsonga. Shriekapova had a tough time against Vickie but as per the norm, she can handle Vickie on the clay. Anyway, no surprise in the end, Divadal and the Serenanator won the singles titles and quite comfortably too; both in straight sets.

Divadal won his 8th French Open title

Divadal won his 8th French Open title

The Serenantor captured her 2nd French title and 16th major

The Serenantor captured her 2nd French title and 16th major

There might be a lot to say about the French Open in the end but really and truly, I rather not because it will only be the same ole rhetoric especially on the men’s side. Very proud of David Ferrer for getting to a major finals. Particularly impressed that it was the French Open where he made his maiden final. And besides, I am so over the French.

Getting the grass ready

Getting the grass ready

Anyway so Wimbledon 2013 is here and I guess this one will be marked my far more circumstances off the court than on the court. The lineup all remained the same with the usual suspects all in tow. Divadal is seeded 5th. Now everyone and their grandmother has been weighing in on this matter and many felt that the committee should have given Divadal a boost but really does it matter? This is Rafael “Freaking” Nadal we are talking about. He could destroy the field whether he is ranked 100 or 1. And with his 5th place seeding, he will not face any of the top guys till the quarters, in this draw it would be Mr. Federer. So I hardly see what the deal is with this. Furthermore, Divadal skipped like 7 months from the tour and lost last year in the 2nd round. WTF does he expect them to do, tell him to pick his place? Divadal should get to the quarters at the very least and it is not like he is afraid of Mr. Federer. The people talking about this are simply looking for something to talk about.

Enough about this silly talk about Divadal being seeded 5th

Enough about this silly talk about Divadal being seeded 5th

Anyway, on the women’s side, it is Serenanator and Shriekapova’s drama that is heating up the courts. Now much of it is hardly worth mentioning because it is clearly rumour mongers trying to stir up some trouble. The women’s game hardly needs fiction to stir things up but it seems that since the Serenanator has kept her nose clean since 2009/2011 US Open, people are still on her case looking for trouble by trying to tickle the dragon.

Wait we aren't here to talk about my weave??

Wait we aren’t here to talk about my weave?? You’re joking right??

So the rumour is that the Serenanator was allegedly talking to Venus via telephone. In the other room (if I have the story correctly) was a reporter from the Rolling Stones  that was conducting an interview with the Serenanator. The reporter overheard a partial one-sided conversation and reported that the following was said by the Serenanator: “top-five player who is now in love … begins every interview with ‘I’m so happy. I’m so lucky’ — it’s so boring. She’s still not going to be invited to the cool parties. And, hey, if she wants to be with the guy with a black heart, go for it.” The reporter then noted that  an “educated guess” would surmised that ReRe is talking about Maria and Grigor. Supposedly, ReRe was going out with Grigor at one point albeit no one has noted when and where exactly this point was. I personally find this impossible to believe but stranger things have happened.

She can take this and run with it

She can take this and run with it

Shriekapova in her press conference retorted with this bit when asked about the matter: “At the end of the day, we have a tremendous amount of respect for what we do on the court. I just think she should be talking about her accomplishments, her achievements, rather than everything else that’s just getting attention and controversy. If she wants to talk about something personal, maybe she should talk about her relationship and her boyfriend that was married and is getting a divorce and has kids. Talk about other things, but not draw attention to other things. She has so much in her life, many positives, and I think that’s what it should be about.”

Now again, there was no mention of Maria’s name in the conversation nor did the reporter ask Serena to clarify who she was talking about. Mainly because she was not talking to him. Nonetheless, he choose to report what is tantamount to be gossip. Anyway, the Serenanator apologized to Maria personally stating that assumptions were made on the matter and that she is sorry that Maria got brought into the situation inadvertently. Now before I go any further, I have to clear up that I am not Maria’s biggest fan but I do respect her tenacity on court. I am particularly keen on how she takes a beating from the Serenanator and come out every single match up as though she could really hurt the American. However, I just want to zero in on some key points of Maria’s speech. AGAIN let me be clear, there is NO evidence that Serena was talking about Maria. ZERO. Nonetheless, Maria chose to air Serena’s business out to the public as though she was spreading the gospel. But I am not even dealing with that one at this point.

Maria you cannot win this fight!

Maria you cannot win this fight!

Maria said, ” At the end of the day, we have a tremendous amount of respect for what we do on the court. Gurl ain’t no one really respect your game on court okay. Let’s be clear on that.  I just think she should be talking about her accomplishments, her achievements, rather than everything else that’s just getting attention and controversy. Now if the Serenanator gets in the press conference and talk about how she be beating your @$$ all year long and not to mention over the past 9 years, you’d get real bad. She should talk about how you got destroyed in Miami; up a set and a break, 3-2 in the 2nd set, you lost 10 straight games. You wanna talk about that?? If she wants to talk about something personal, maybe she should talk about her relationship and her boyfriend that was married and is getting a divorce and has kids. Talk about other things, but not draw attention to other things. How about we talk about the fact that Grigor is more than likely an undercover brother and that he’s straight like spaghetti…when cooked. She has so much in her life, many positives, and I think that’s what it should be about.” She is very positive that she will be beating your @$$ next time she meets you on court. Apparently she was too generous with you at the French. Therefore next time it is business as usual. Buttered bagels and breadsticks. You have short term memory. You forgot 2012 Olympic final: 6-0 6-1. Gurl, get your life!

Vickie almost broke her knee

Vickie almost broke her knee

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. So let’s just get to the real meat of the matter. The Tennis:
Maria (3) won her match against a young up and coming Frenchwoman Mladenovic in straight sets 7-6 6-3. Mladenovic has a lot more to learn on tour though but she has a really good serve. 2nd seed Vickie won her match comfortably but in pain. She nearly “broke her knee” and her future in this tournament might be in jeopardy. She came back after the injury and in tears to take the match 6-1 6-2. It was so funny to watch my Twitter feed as people were losing their minds over how crazy Vickie’s opponent was. She was hitting the ball back to Vickie instead of trying to make her run from side to side. I know Bratzwanska must have been screaming with rage at the sight of Vickie calling out the trainer and then playing “fit as a fiddle” afterwards. Vickie and Bratzwanska use to be best friends but a similar incident happened in early 2012 that sent Aga B to be screaming in the press conference and thus ended a friendship. It certainly did not end her losing streak against Vickie though and I for one am happy for that.

Help! Help! I can't get up

Help! Help! I can’t get up

Anyway, other winners of the day on the ladies side include 12th seed Ana Ivanovic aka Ivanovic the Terrible who won over Razzano 7-6 6-0. Now I have to add her that I saw Ana’s “new look” and she is way too skinny. Ever since winning the 2008 French Open, she has been yo-yoing on her weight like Oprah back in the days. She is floating between anorexic and healthy if you ask me. Right now, she is definitely leaning towards the, “I need a cookie smothered with cream STAT!” Anywho, Kvitova aka GHW (8) struggled past American Coco Vandeweghe. Meanwhile, 5th seed Sara Errani got bounced in the 1st round by Puerto Rican, Monica Puig. Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit won her match in straight sets but I for one am not holding out hope that she is in good form and will make a decent run here at Wimbledon. Bartoli (15) and her countrywoman Cornet (29) also went through to the 2nd round as did Fivehead JungleWitch Jankovic (16) Lady Gollum Safarova (27), Sorana Cirstea (22), Flipkens (20), and Sloane Stephens (17) who won over fellow American Jaime Hampton. I think Hampton was exhausted after making it to her 1st WTA final last week in Eastbourne. She lost to Vesnina. Other winners of interest are Andrea Petkovic who received a wild card into the tournament, Bojana Jovanovski, American Christina McHale and Flavia Pennetta.

Dulko and hubby at their wedding

Dulko and hubby at their wedding

Oh yeah, if I am not mistaken, Pennetta’s former doubles partner, Gisela Dulko of Argentina recently gave birth to a baby recently. Apparently she retired from the tour and got married to an Argentine footballer. Good for her. And while we are on the subject of pregnancy. Look who is also expecting….

I know! I don't even know where to file this bit of information

I know! I don’t even know where to file this bit of information

Anyway onto the men. There is little to be said that the news of the day was Divadal’s early round exit from the tournament. Divadal a 2 time champion and 5 time finalist got stick by Belgian Steven Darcis (You don’t pronounce the s thus Darsee) 7-6 7-6 6-4. Darcis played really remarkable and he held his own throughout. He was not about to let Divadal get away with murder. He had a one handed backhand which Divadal was treating with this same disdain and contempt that he holds for the Mr. Federer’s unemployed backhand. However, Darcis’ backhand was paying dividend as it was getting traction especially the slice backhand. Divadal could not deal and resorted to defending which was not helping much as he was always on the back foot and unable to create winning opportunities for himself. All in all, this lost should not come as any real surprise. Divadal had to have a let down at some point. He went off tour for 7 months but came back with a vengeance. He made the finals of all 8/9 tournaments he entered and only failing to win twice plus he retained his French Open crown for a record 8th win at a single major. WTF should his fanz be complaining about?

His head gone bad. Didn't know what to do

His head gone bad. Didn’t know what to do

Darcis stuck to the game plan: Get 2nd round prize money

Darcis stuck to the game plan: Get 2nd round prize money

Adios amigo

Adios amigo

The ball children were so excited that Divadal is out. They no longer have to be behind him as he pick his drawers.

The ball children were so excited that Divadal is out. They no longer have to be behind him as he pick his drawers.

Anyway, Divadal was hardly the only men’s seed to fall out, 11th seed Stan Wawrinka lost to Hewitt in straight sets, 14th seed Janko Douchsaravic lost to fellow countryman Troicki, 30th seed Fognini lost to Jurgen Melzer. Divadal’s vanquisher from last year’s Wimbledon, Lukas Rosol lost in the 1st round too. Besides this, most of the usual suspect made it through to the 2nd round.(3) Mr. Federer 6-3 6-2 6-0 over Victor Hanescu, (2)Lochness Monster also in straight sets over Becker,  (10) Cilic is through as are (6) Tsonga, (24) Jerzy Janowicz, (18) BFG Isner, (25) Benoit Paire, (22) Juan Monaco and 32nd seed Tommy Robredo. Other notable winners were Ernest Gulbis and Dustin Brown of Germany/Jamaica.

Mr. Federer in supreme form

Mr. Federer in supreme form

I would really like to know the hair products that Verdasco Tabasco puts into his hair

I would really like to know the hair products that Verdasco Tabasco puts into his hair

Meanwhile, I wish someone put some products in this one's hair

Meanwhile, I wish someone put some products in this one’s hair

As for Dustin Brown's hair....no comment at this time

As for Dustin Brown’s hair….no comment at this time

He definitely needs some products...more than likely Rogaine

He definitely needs some products…more than likely Rogaine

I think Vickie is channeling Grace Jones today

I think Vickie is channeling Grace Jones today

My 5th head says there will be no rain today

My 5th head says there will be no rain today

Ana you are as thin as a sheet of paper

Ana you are as thin as a sheet of paper

I don't even want to see the rest of this picture because I know I would be scarred for life

I don’t even want to see the rest of this picture because I know I would be scarred for life

Dude, Listerine! like seriously, don't be breathing into my face...

Dude, Listerine! like seriously, don’t be breathing into my face…

Divadal, why is your hand by my ass??

Divadal, why is your hand by my ass??

Hopefully you made it all the way down here because I have a lil segment I wanted to interject into this First posting of Wimbledon 2013. So after all this Serena/Maria/Grigor bit, I decided to do a lil research and scour those places and speak to my sources to get you my Realz fanz the realz deal. So here’s the dealio.

Last year Shriekapova was dating some basketball player who left the NBA for Europe during lockout. They were engaged!

Last year Shriekapova was dating some basketball player who left the NBA for Europe during lockout. They were engaged!

Then according to rumour, Shriekapova got dumped or dumped Sascha after he done did knocked up some girl

Then according to rumour, Shriekapova got dumped or dumped Sascha after he done did knocked up some girl

Anywho, at the Olympics it might be, Serenanator and Grigor struck up a friendship

Anywho, at the Olympics it might be, Serenanator and Grigor struck up a friendship

And perhaps things got a lil carried away. I can hardly blame her. She had a lot of time on her hand seeing as she was dismantling the field but something went awry...

And perhaps things got a lil carried away. I can hardly blame her. She had a lot of time on her hand seeing as she was dismantling the field but something went awry…

I think the Serenanator figured something was not on the straight and narrow so she let this one go

I think the Serenanator figured something was not on the straight and narrow so she let this one go

She allegedly went on to greener pastures

She allegedly went on to greener pastures

Oooo kay....

Oooo kay….

And Grigor and Maria found each other

And Grigor and Maria found each other

Love they say... but ladies, never ever let your man and you leave the house and he looks better than you.... NEVER

Love they say… but ladies, never ever let your man and you leave the house and he looks better than you…. NEVER

Can you spot the invisible handbag like I can??

Can you spot the invisible handbag like I can??

Need I say more about the matter of the man being better dressed than the lady

Need I say more about the matter of the man being better dressed than the lady

Hmmm

But then I stumbled upon these pictures…. Hmmm

Hmmmm

Hmmmm

All right... I am not saying a word about this

All right… I am not saying a word about this …. Gurl you need to slow your roll… I don’t get down like that

Don’t forget, it is only rumour if you spread it okay!!!

French Open 2013: Le jour 4

In Agnes Radwanska, Ana Ivanovic, Andreas Seppi, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, French Open, Gael Monfils, Gilles Simon, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, John Isner, Marcos Baghdatis, Nicolas Almagro, Petra Kvitova, Roger Federer, Serena Williams on May 30, 2013 at 5:38 am

Day 4 was an action packed day and I am happy to report that the French Open is back on schedule. There were a lot of matches on court and they all were completed without the advent of any rain delays. I know that this entry is going to come late (but I really had to sleep). Sometimes I forget how intensive all this blogging is and when one does not have a lot of time, it is even more difficult as life happens.

The Serenanator is all fired up for this championships.

The Serenanator is all fired up for this championships.

On the ladies draw: Both Vickie and the Serenanator looked impressive in their matches. Vickie was playing her 1st round match and will play her 2nd round tomorrow. The Serenanator had a 3 day layoff and now that she has withdrawn from the doubles, she has more time on her hand. I have to say that their asking for a wildcard and then withdrawing is not so cool to me. I know that Venus has back issues but their acceptance of the card and subsequent withdrawal, barred another team for getting the spot and consequently prize money. Many have felt that the Serenanator should not have attempted to play doubles because of how precarious her play can be at the French Open. Nonetheless, this is what happened. I only hope that she stays the course for her 2nd French Open title.

GHW Kvitova. I don't think Czech girls have eyebrows

GHW Kvitova. I don’t think Czech girls have eyebrows

Other winners include much of the usual suspects: Petra Kvitova who seemed her usual inconsistent self against Rezai; Petra won in 3 sets. However, her serve was all over the place, giving away vital points with double faults. It was almost guaranteed that she would double fault in every service game. Ivanovic the Terrible also won but it was a very comfortable match in straight sets. I do not even think she got broken, which is impressive by her usual batty standard. Bratzwanska won in straight sets as did Errani who is looking really serious about defending her points from last year. She has buzzed through the draw thus far. Carebear Kerber won as did Roberta Vinci, Maria Krazilenko (12), Sabine Losicki (32), Kuzi-Rex, Carlo Suarez-Navarro (20), Soriana Cirstea (26) and Virginie Razzano (Happy to see her get to the 3rd round of a major). Americans Varvara Lepchenko and Jamie Hampton are also through to the 3rd round with Hampton causing an upset over the 25th seed Lucie Safarova (former Ms. Berdych). Hampton won 9-7 in the 3rd.

See Safarova, also from Czech Republic not sporting any eyebrows

See Safarova, also from Czech Republic not sporting any eyebrows

Martina Hingis’ new charge Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (19) lost her match to Petra Cetkovska, which really should not come as a surprise as she has been struggling through this tournament. Truth be told, she started the year well getting to the final of Sydney I think (My stat fanz Chong just informed me that it was the final of Brisbane. Thanks!) losing to the Serenanator but since then, she has faded significantly and has yet to find herself again. The 23rd seed, Klara Zakopalova lost to Kaia Kanepi. If I am not mistaken, Kanepi made it through to the Round of 16 or quarters in last year French finals. So she has a lot of points to defend. Good of her to repeat her success.

f_29-05-Wozniacki-Caroline-02

I am dejected!!! This cookie is crumbling

And while we are on the subject of upsets, one cannot forget to mention that the 10th seed, Danish Biscuit got crumbled by Bojana Jovanovski of Serbia in straight sets 6-7 3-6. This has not been a good clay court season for the Dane; as a matter of fact, it has not been a good season at all. She is struggling to win matches and as a result, most tennis viewers are raining hateration on her. I for one am not a fan of Caroline but I am not a hater either. I know she does not possess a multi-dimensional/highly effective game. However, one has to respect what did several years ago, rising to Number one in the world. You have to give her credit for that. I know a lot of people decry the ranking system as Wozniacki finished the two consecutive years as Number 1 without winning a major. However, it is not her fault that the others could not find their game or themselves or be injury free in order to bolster their claim at the top. Wozniacki got to the top rank through hard work and winning matches. Anyway, I am glad Bojana got a quality win because I really think that she has massive potential. She is kinda Batty but in her 2nd round match, she was on it. Hopefully she keeps up this level of play.

Bojana Jovanovski

Bojana Jovanovski

Gilles Simon.. in Swan Clay... showing off his flexibility in this nice arabesque position

Gilles Simon.. in Swan Clay… showing off his flexibility in this nice arabesque position

On the men’s side of the draw, the Frenchmen continue to made good of the home court advantage as Baby Ali Tsonga (6), Beetlejuice Monfils (wild card), Beautiful Benoit Paire (24), Benneteau (30), Gilles Simon (15) et Jeremy Chardy (25) all advanced and for the most part, quite comfortable too. Mr. Federer had little resistance in his match as he dished out a two-piece and 2 breadsticks to his opponent 6-2 6-1 6-1. Fiery Ferrer looked at ease in his match as he took out his opponent in straight sets. His journeyman of a countryman Tommy Robredo (32) is really trying to get his tennis life back together. Seeming down for the count, Robredo overcame a 0-2 sets deficit to win his match in 5. Both he and Ferrer will join FeFe Lopez and 11th seed Almagro in the next round.

No need for caption!

No need for caption!

20th seed Andreas Seppi of Italy won his match in 5 sets and will be in the next round with his 5 set victory. Seppi is looking to recapture some of the good form he had last year. American Sam Querry aka The Grinch, the 18th seed, is in the 2nd round. Marin Chin Cilic moved on as did Victor Troicki and 23rd seed Kevin Anderson of South Africa.

Hopefully this good weather keeps up and play does not get back up at the French.

 REALZ PICTURE SHOW

Almagro. Not outstandingly beautiful but he just sorta grows on you

Almagro. Not outstandingly beautiful but he just sorta grows on you

Ernest Gulbis, a tall Latvian drink of water

Ernest Gulbis, a tall Latvian drink of water

Yes, it Ivanovic The Terrible. She is an attractive girl nonetheless

Yes, it Ivanovic The Terrible. She is an attractive girl nonetheless

Andreas Seppi of Italy. Oh how I would love to be sipping on this all day

Andreas Seppi of Italy. Oh how I would love to be sipping on this all day

I mean he is a little heavyhanded on the spray tan but that can wash off. Nonetheless, he is all hotness

I mean he is a little heavyhanded on the spray tan but that can wash off. Nonetheless, he is all hotness

Chin Cilic. We gotta work on the eyebrows but he's HOT

Chin Cilic. We gotta work on the eyebrows but he’s HOT

My Baby Ali surely knows how to use his tongue

My Baby Ali surely knows how to use his tongue

Fiery Ferrer is definitely on that list of who can get it!!

Fiery Ferrer is definitely on that list of who can get it!!

Crucify me how I am beautiful!!!

Crucify me how I am beautiful!!!

Wickmayer gurl, I don't even know where to begin between the dress and your stance, you most definitely a nottie

Wickmayer gurl, I don’t even know where to begin between the dress and your stance, you most definitely a nottie

I mean seriously, this is well past ugly! This is bugly!!

I mean seriously, this is well past ugly! This is bugly!!

So I am wondering how Bratzwanska made this dumb move to be blond before she actually became a blond?? #dontbelieveinstereotypes

So I am wondering how Bratzwanska made this dumb move to be blond before she actually became a blond?? #dontbelieveinstereotypes

I'm telling you, French kissing is only real if it is done by a Frenchman. Works the same way like champagne!!!

I’m telling you, French kissing is only real if it is done by a Frenchman. Works the same way like champagne!!!

You are so beautiful to me....Can't you see??

You are so beautiful to me….Can’t you see??

French Open 2012: Round of 16 Update Days 8 and 9

In Andreas Seppi, Angelique Kerber, Arantxa Rus, David Ferrer, David Goffin, Dominika Cibulkova, French Open, Janko Tipsarevic, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kaia Kanepi, Klara Zakopolova, Li Na, Marcel Granollers, Maria Sharapova, Na Li, Nicolas Almagro, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roger Federer, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Slaone Stephens, Sports Blog, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Varvara Lepchenko, Victoria Azarenka, Yaroslava Shevedova on June 5, 2012 at 7:39 am

In an effort to get our lives together and up to date, there will not be a full edition posting for the Round of 16 results. Very unfortunate I know.

You got peaches and creamed out here!

World no.1 Vickie Azarenka decided to hire Amelie Mauresmo to prepare for the French Open. I do not know who told her that this was a bright idea. I do not know if she wanted a tour guide or a translator or something because it was not the ideal of partnership. Anyway, Vickie lost in the Round of 16 and would inevitably lose her number 1 ranking. Dominika Cilbulkova was just on fire from the beginning of the match and rightfully took the match 6-2 7-6. Cilbukova has twice been in the winning position against Vickie and both matches as recent as Miami this year. However, she held her own and got her life right on the big stage here at Roland Garros. In an interview, she all but said that she was not afraid of the Vickie serve. Vickie, I told you that that shite would not get it done out here. And the competition at Wimbledon is only going to get tougher!

Finally I did it when it really counted!

American Slaone Stephens did not fair well against D’Stove. She served for the 1st set but failed to close it out only to have the Aussie come back roaring. The Aussie found herself unable to close out the match on her own serve but broke the American to move into another quarterfinals at Roland Garros. She is a dangerous floater. 7-5 6-4!

Easy workout! Now I can relax and watch some L word on tv as well as check out what’s on sale at Home Depot!

Sara Errani with her massive cranium is playing smart tennis!

Kuzi_Rex was a complete let down. Absolutely abysmal in her play but then again she is Russian. She lost to Italian Sara Errani 6-0 7-5! Words cannot describe how I felt about this result at all. Anyway, congrats to the Italian for moving into another quarterfinals in a major. She will play Angelique Kerber who took out Croat Petra Matic 6-3 7-5!

I became extinct out on court!

Carebear Kerber! Does this colour make me look like a girl?

She flopped like a chicken wing!

LiNaLi should be punished severely. I am all for corporal punishment…at the very least, someone should go all Bruce Lee on her @$$. She just has these complete meltdown on court and throws away matches. I do not know why you could not have suffered such fates at the 2008 Olympics and the 2009 Australian Open when you played Ebony Starr. Just digusting. She was up against Shevedova 6-3 and then only won 2 more games for the rest of the match. 3-6 6-2 6-0. Congrats to Shevedova but LiNaLi I will never root for you again.

The Chinese wall crumbles and I take over

World No. 4 GHW silently overcame her opponent Varvara Lepchenko 6-2 6-1 ending the American dream run at the French. Incidentally, Lepchenko sealed an Olympic spot as she just moved ahead of Stephens.

Winning can be an ugly and unfashionable business!

Kaia Kanepi representing Sesame Street

Kaia Kanepi followed up her upset of the Danish Biscuit by moving passed Arantxa Rus 6-1 4-6 6-0 and is definitely showing excellent form in that latter stages of this tournament. Let’s see if she hold on to this form because I believe she can beat Shriekapova who got by a tougher showing than expected from Klara Zakapalova 6-4 6-7 6-2! However, Kanepi will face shots with more pace though she will be able to tee off some very easy serves and free points from the Russian’s double faults.

Itch you point that finger out one more time for my shots, I am going to get all Serenanantor on you in a minute! Don’t fcuk with me out here!

On the men’s side. The top half made a mess of their draw but the usual suspect came through in the end.

Can’t stop me now!

D’Joker struggled past Seppi though I will admit that he never for a moment looked panicky on court. He looked as fresh as a daisy as he walked on by 4-6 6-7 6-3 7-5 6-3! There goes my theory about his fitness level being in question. Maybe, he really is saving himself for this tournament because he wants this one badly and so does Divadal, Mr. Federer and Lochness Monster.

Thanks for the workout and the free feel you nice Italian beefcake. You gonna let me have a sip of your Seppi later on?

Yeah go jog! You need the exercise more than I do.

It took Baby Ali two days to get past Fatanka and for a while I did not think he was going to get the job done. He was up two sets 6-4 7-6 but allowed the Swiss to get back into the match and take the next two 3-6 3-6. Leading 4-2 before the called the end of play for the day, Baby Ali was broken early resumption of play. However, I do not know whether Fatanka got too cute for school but the frigger was feeling himself a lil bit too much. Perhaps he thought he was Mr. Federer but he became playing silly shots and lost the match 4-6 in the 5th set. Now, word to the French, you all should not put so much pressure on the athletes. It can be a bit too much playing in front of your home country, family, friends and the president of the Federation. I mean relax a bit. Baby Ali only has to play D’Juggernaut for a place in the semis. That is pressure enough.

See back at the locker room!

Big boys do cry!

Meanwhile, Mr. Federer was just all over the place against the Hobbit who I swear gives me the willies. He looks a lil stalkerish. Talking about how he got Mr. Federer’s poster up on his wall in his bedroom. Ewwww Ewww. We do not share such things in public. He was even wearing Mr. Federer’s shoes and for a while, it looked like he was Mr. Federer as the real one was off shopping in his mind or something. He has dropped a set in his last three matches. However, he did enough to get the job done 5-7 7-5 6-2 6-4

Watch your back Mr. Federer! Single white male up in here! I like his hair… looks so fresh and clean.

Beast Boy vs Lurch promised to be a really exciting match up and in the beginning it was. They were very even stevens though Lurch had many break points opportunities, which he failed to convert. In the end, Beast Boy took the 1st set 7-6. Then he began complaining about his knee though he was whacking away at it in frustration with his racquet. No bueno senor! Anyway, Lurch took the 2nd set 6-1 and he began playing birdshite out there. I mean it is remarkable just how talented the Czech is but yet fails to be more success on tour. The match was suspended after Beast Boy won the 3rd set 6-3 and next day, the Argentine was still roaring with a 4-2 lead. However, though birdshite got things back on serve again, he got the willies and lost the match 5-7 in the 4th set.

The Big Bird is through to another French Open quarterfinals!

Fiery Ferrer was just blazing with his hot self

Three Spanish men are left in the draw Divadal, Nicolas Almagro and Fiery Ferrer and they remain the only players left in the draw who has not dropped a set. Fiery Ferrer just burnt up his countryman Crunch Granola 6-3 6-2 6-0 where as Almagro, though wearing yellow was not afraid of the black clad Sexsarevic 6-4 6-4 6-4. However, Almagro will face Divadal yet again in the quarters of the French. Divadal just @$$ fcuked Baby Jesus on court without any lube 6-2 6-0 6-0. It was utterly embarrassing if you ask me. The press would be all over this if this were women’s tennis. Anyway, Divadal could not have asked for a better present than having his boytoy for his Round of 16 opponent. Juan Monaco, if you continue to play these types of matches against top player, I would have to reconsider seriously any prospects of there being a future for you and I. I do not mingle with punks or OPP (other people’s property) Taking Divadal’s sloppy seconds is one thing I can deal with but us dating and you are still his itch! No, I will not have the Spanish diva holding that one over my head. I do not care if you lose but just do so with effort. If you ask me, it was a definite tank out there and you should be fined for lack of effort.

Haappy Birthday to me! And I send out 2 Love and Love to my Juanny M

It was like Easter all over again. He got crucified only this time, he did not rise again!

And this red sea for parted!

Gasquet vs Lochness Monster promised to be an epic match but I know the French and I do not trust the French in sports to say the least. Several years ago, Gasquet had a 2 set and a break lead over the Scot at Wimbledon, only to relinquish it. So when he won the 1st set 6-1 and looked like he was the better player, I knew not to get my hopes up. He was 4-4 in the 2nd set when the Frenchman saw it fit to lose the next 7 games in a row. He only won three more games for the match. Lochness Monster comes through 1-6 6-4 6-1 6-2! It is times like this that I really appreciate Baby Ali because though he might not be the most talented Frenchman out there, he will continue to be the most successful because of his mental fortitude and knowing that you always bring your A game to the big matches and NEVER EVER be afraid of the Big 4!

Gotcha! Think you were going to walk all over me! I’m a motherfcuking monster!!!

So on Day 10 the match ups are on the ladies: Cilbuttkova vs D’Stove and Sara Errani (aka Alien vs Predator head) taking on Carebear Kerber. I see Kerber moving on but a tough match up between Cibuttkova and D’Stove. If Dominika plays her game, she wins but D’Stove is a very dangerous opponent and she is now becoming a regular feature in the latter parts of majors. She was suppose to win in 2010 so perhaps she is coming to claim what was suppose to be hers ages ago.

On the men’s side. D’Joker Harlequeen vs Baby Ali: D’Joker without a doubt and its Mr. Federer vs Beast Boy. Mr. Federer has beaten the Argentine like 4-5 times this year already. However, Mr. Federer is looking as sloppy as Andy Roddick so I would not be surprise if there is an upset here! This will clearly be the match up of the day!

Beast Boy vs Mr. Federer in a major part trois. (I might be wrong about this)

So we are on schedule back again! Look out later on for a special posting from a guest contributor about the extracurricular of the one and only Serenanator!