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2015 Australian Open: Womenz Preview

In Agnes Radwanska, Alize Cornet, Ana Ivanovic, Andrea Petkovic, Angelique Kerber, Australian Open, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Dominika Cibulkova, Ekaterina Makarova, Eugenie Bouchard, Flavia Pennetta, Genie Bouchard, Lindsay Davenport, Maria Sharapova, Na Li, Petra Kvitova, Sabine Lisicki, Sam Stosur, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Simona Halep, Slaone Stephens, Tennis, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on January 18, 2015 at 3:23 pm
I am so happy to not be out there in the hot sun this year!

I am so happy to not be out there in the hot sun this year!

The Womenz Draw should be very interesting this year. For first time in a good while, Serena Williams is not the name of the favourite to win this tournament. Mind you, that is not to say that people are discounting the American. No, far from it. They simply think there might be others willing and capable of taking this major crown. In fact, Williams despite being the 5-time Australian champion is less favoured over Simona Halep (3) who apparently many feel is the sure bet winner. I am as confused by this as you are. I really cannot offer any real reason behind this logic other than to say since Halep is one of the 128 women signed up in the main draw, she, like each of the other 127 women do stand a chance of winning the title. That is the best I can do with this information.  

Someone tell ReRe that she is gonna need a hair net because I ain't trying to eat none of that hair in my cake

Someone tell ReRe that she is gonna need a hair net because I ain’t trying to eat none of that hair in my cake. (I am gonna pretend like I didn’t see those hair edges looking like a seaside cliff all rough and rocky)

Anyway, this 2015 season is just over 2 weeks old and there have been many oddities. Serena did not play a real tournament coming into the major as she has done in recent years. She was the two-time defending champion in Brisbane but she opted not to play that tournament for Hopman Cup, a mixed exhibition tournament. She made it to the finals with partner John Isner having struggled all the way there. Serenanator was well off her game though many say not to read much into this. Nonetheless, she got bagelled by Penne Pasta Pennetta, Bouchard clocked and snatched her wig winning in straight sets 6-1 6-2 or something like that and then struggled past Safarova. In the finals v Bratzwanska she was messy like a public bathroom. Again, one should not read much into this they say. I for one think that a Serena going into the Aussie Open full of confidence makes for a problematic Serena. Last three years 2012-2014, she was the heavy favourite and each year saw the American leaving Melbourne empty-handed. Hopefully this year brings greater fortune.

Serena didn't come this year and I finally got the Brisbane title

Serena didn’t come this year and I finally got the Brisbane title

In her absence, Martha (2) picked up the Brisbane title seeing as she lost to Serena there the last two years. Anyway, Shriekapova avenged her Cincinnati loss to Ivanovic the Terrible (5) in the final. Martha, the 3-time finalist and 2008 Champion is definitely looking to pick up another Aussie title. Simona Halep like I said is also inexplicably in my book, garnering a lot of attention. Many feel that she can take the crown here. She won a title in Shenzhen and then signed up to play Sydney. She pulled out thankfully citing injury. I do not understand why Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug thinks she has to play week in and week out. It is just not that serious.

Simona Halep aka Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug with her Shenzhen trophy

Simona Halep aka Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug with her Shenzhen trophy

GHW Kvitova with her Sydney trophy

GHW Kvitova with her Sydney trophy

Who eventually won Sydney was GHW Kvitova (4) who lost to some Bascinzsky girl in straight sets in Shenzhen in the first week. I do not understand how that happened myself but I saw the match so I can tell you with much certainty that it did happen for real. So Kvitova is coming into a major having played two weeks of tennis. I am not her coach so again I am clueless as to logic behind this bit of madness. Look I am not trying to shade Petra here or anything like that but I have this slight observation. Petra be playing so much tennis yet she is not the fittest lady on tour. I do not get this but clearly it is not for me to get.

Granny Vee with her Auckland trophy and moist hairdo

Granny Vee with her Auckland trophy and moist hairdo

Anyway, while we are on the subject of fitness, spare me a moment of your time to talk about Ebony Starr aka Granny Vee aka Venus Williams (18). Venus returned to Auckland this year having lost in last year’s final and again made a very decisive run this year to take the title. She faced her sister’s supposed BFF Caroline Woz aka Danish Biscuit (8) for the title. Venus who has never lost to the Dane was en pointe after dropping the opening set. So Granny Vee is also coming into this tournament with a lot of steam behind her name. Meanwhile, Agatha aka Bratzwanska (6) got herself a new coach, the one and only Martina Navratilova. So a lot of buzz is behind Agatha now because the perennial bridesmaid is looking to finally be the bride and win a major. Martina thinks she can do this. I have my doubts about this. Anyhow, so Aga beat Serena at the exhibition and the ESPN cronies were beside themselves; “It’s the Martina influence!” Then Agatha went to a real tournament and lost her opening match. Is this Martina again? I just sipped my tea because if I say something people will say I am a hater. So I am going to keep quiet on this matter.

sips-tea-meme-honey-boo-boo

Anyway, in other really big news on the women’s side is the fact that the number 1 ranking is up for grabs amongst Serenanator, Shriekapova, Koolaide Jug and GHW (Grand High Witch. I am not being mean here at but sometimes Petra be reminding me of Anjelica Huston from The Witches. Check it out and comment below if you agree and/or disagree). Anyway, the top 4 ladies all have a chance to be number 1 depending on how far they each go and how well the others do.

Wait what? We can all be Number 1 at the end of this week? NO only the Top 4 and just in case you're unclear about this Caro, that means, ReRe, Martha, Simona and Petra!

Wait what? We can all be Number 1 at the end of this week? NO only the Top 4 and just in case you’re unclear about this Caro, that means, ReRe, Martha, Simona and Petra! Because some of you look like you can’t count … No shade Genie

Let’s get to the main reason why we are here: the Draw Breakdown. Like the menz, we will be doing the same thing; breaking down the main draw into halves, then quarters and finally eighths.

2015 Australian Open Top Womenz Seeds

Top Half

Bottom Half

1. Serena Williams (Serenanator/ReRe) 2. Maria Sharapova (Martha/Shriekapova)
4. Petra Kvitova (Grand High Witch) 3. Simona Halep (Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug)
6. Agnieszka Radwanska (Agatha/Bratzwanska) 5. Ana Ivanovic (Ivanovic the Terrible)
8. Caroline Wozniacki (Danish Biscuit) 7. Genie Bouchard (Nothing has stick yet)
11. Dominika Cibulkova (Cibuttkova) 9. Angelique Kerber (Angie/Carebear Kerber)
12. Flavia Pennetta (Penne Pasta Pennetta) 10. Ekaterina Makarova (Not worthy)
13. Andrea Petkovic (Not worthy) 14. Sara Errani (Alien v Predator/ETranni)
15. Jelena Jankovic (Fivehead Jungle Witch) 16.  Lucie Safarova (Lady Gollum)
18. Venus Williams (Granny Vee/Ebony Starr) 17. Carla Suarez-Navarro (Nothing has stick yet)
19. Alizé Cornet (Lordlize Cornemort) 21. Shuai Peng (Not worthy)
20. Sam Stosur (D’Stove) 22. Karolina Pliskova (Not worthy)
24. Garbine Muguruza (Not worthy) 23. Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (Fattychunkova)
25. Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (Not worthy) 27. Svetlana Kuznetsova (Kuzi-Rexi)
26. Elina Svitolina (Not worthy) 28. Sabine Lisicki (Lose-sicki)
29. Casey Dellacqua (Not worthy) 31. Zarina Diyas (Not worthy)
30. Varvara Lepchenko (Not worthy) 32. Belinda Bencic (Not worthy)

 *Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person!
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

Serenanator (1) v GHW Kvitova (4) Top Half

Should they reach they both reach the semis, it should be an interesting match

Should they reach they both reach the semis, it should be an interesting match

Serenanator (1) v Danish Biscuit (8) Quarter

You best get your life together because you know everyone is gunning to take you out

You best get your life together because you know everyone is gunning to take you out

Serena’s Section Eighth: At the end of the day, it has to be said that the only real bother that Serenanator has is herself. She is quite capable of decimating the entire field without a pause. She is really that good. However, as has been quite evident in her career, she allows herself to get in the way of herself (if that makes any kinda sense to you). Serena’s B game and/or C game is still capable of beating most of the tour. The thing is that, at majors, many of these women are no longer allowing her to get away with an average performance. Serena herself admitted last Wimbledon that she has to come out blazing because there are girls/women out there who come into a tournament just to play that one match of a lifetime to beat her and then get dismissed the next day. She knows that if she wants to win majors, it will require two weeks of focus, determination and great tennis.

Thank heavens we are seeing no more blonde Remi weave

Thank heavens we are seeing no more blonde Remi weave

With that said, the American should get to the 4th round no problemo! Svitolina (26) an up and coming Ukrainian is her potential 3rd round opponent but I see Serena getting past her without much of a headache. However, we thought that this would have been the case at Wimbledon and the French Open last year and Serena did not get out of the 3rd round of either of those tournaments. And speaking of those tournament, both Lordlize Cornemort (19) [beat her in the 3rd round of Wimbledon] and Garbine Muguruza (24) [beat her in the 2nd round of the French Open] are in this quarter. Serena may face Muguruza in the 4th round if the Spaniard takes out Fivehead Jankovic (15) in the 3rd round. Serena will only face Cornemort if the Frenchwoman can get to the quarterfinals; something she has yet to do in her 35 previous appearances at majors.

Do I look bothered by the fact that Muguruza and Cornemort as in my section of the draw? No really do I look bothered because I am not sure if I am at all.

Do I look bothered by the fact that Muguruza and Cornemort as in my section of the draw? No really do I look bothered because I am not sure if I am at all.

Woz is desperately looking for her 1st major title

Woz is desperately looking for her 1st major title

Danish Biscuit’s Section Eighth: This is a rather interesting section as Woz opens her campaign for her 1st ever major title facing young American Taylor Townsend who might be going places in the world of tennis. Nothing would be better for the American than a solid win over a top ranked player. Nonetheless, I think Woz will win this. The really interesting thing about this section is that the 2nd round opponent for Woz could be 2-time Aussie Open champion, Vickie Azarenka. Vickie is coming off injury and has virtually missed an entire year, so her rankings are not where they could be. Vickie will face Slowe Stephens in the 1st round, a re-match of 2013 semifinals and 2014 4th round here in Melbourne. This is a MUST SEE MATCH I think. So Woz has a lot of dangerous floaters in her part including Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (25) in the 3rd round and either Cornemort (19) or last year’s finalist Cibuttkova (11) in the Round of 16. After getting past all this, Woz might face Serena for a chance to play the semis. She is basically in a mind field; so many potential places for it to all blow up in her face.

2-time champion here in Melbourne is also desperate to find her winning form coming back from injury

2-time champion here in Melbourne is also desperate to find her winning form coming back from injury

GHW Kvitova (4) v Aga Bratzwanska (6) Quarter

Poor Petra does not do well in the heat

Poor Petra does not do well in the heat

GHW Kvitova’s Section Eighth: I honestly expect Kvitova to get to the 4th round without any problems. Anything less than that, she deserves scorn and mockery. It is time that the 2-time Wimbledon champion stop losing to no-namers all over the place and struggling through “epic 3-set matches”. American Madison Keys has recently added the services of 2000 Aussie Open champion Lindsay Davenport to her camp. Hopefully this helps the young American be more reliable in matches. She will have to get by Kvitova in the 3rd round though and that will be a true measure of things. Someone to watch in this section is Andrea Petkovic (13) who has a real shot of getting to the 4th round here looking at the draw. Someone to not watch is Sam Stosur (20) who I am sure will go out in the 1st round. D’Stove is incapable of winning in her home country. I swear even if you write D’Stove in the final, she would find a way of losing in the semifinals. It is like she is allergic to the home crowd support. So like I said, it is Kvitova’s section to win or lose. She should be in the quarters.

Madison Keys and Lindsay Davenport

Madison Keys and Lindsay Davenport

Sam stretching for nothing in Melbourne

Sam stretching for nothing in Melbourne

Aga and her new coach Martina

Aga and her new coach Martina

Aga Bratzwanska (6) Section Eighth: No doubt about it, Aga should make it to the Round of 16 no trouble other than a potential tricky opponent in Varvara Lepchencko (30) in the 3rd round. However, the real glitz of this section is that Venus Williams (18) is present here. Venus is playing well as per Brisbane and she is moving forward a lot and showing off a much improved volleying technique thanks to Katrina Adams, the new USTA President (congrats gurl). Hopefully, she MUST play smart efficient tennis out there and get through to the 4th Round. She would have to beat Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) though in the 3rd round. Also meeting Aga in the Round of 16 is not good because Venus has been dragged by the Pole as of late. She can barely win a set off Aga. So she will need all her strength to get through that match and face Kvitova in the quarters for another showdown match! Their Wimbledon encounter last year was arguably the best match of the women’s tournament.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Ms. Koolaide Juice Jug Halep (3) Bottom Half

Simona has been Martha's pigeon as of late, so she will be looking to change that this tournament

Simona has been Martha’s pigeon as of late, so she will be looking to change that this tournament

Halep (3) v Ivanovic the Terrible (5) Quarter

Promise me that Ivanovic the Terrible is not going to show up here in Melbourne.

Promise me that Ivanovic the Terrible is not going to show up here in Melbourne.

Ivanovic the Terrible’s Section Eighth: Ana should get to the Round of 16 which she will potential meet tough lefty Ekaterina Makarova (10) there. Makarova is a dangerous floater at majors. She is always good for one major upset. If she gets past the Russian, there will a Romanian in the form of Halep waiting there for her. Meanwhile of her own accord, Ivanovic the Terrible can show up and mess up Ana’s life and have her losing to a Belinda Bencic (32) for no reason in the 3rd round. So be prepared for anything from this section.

Realz don't watch my eyebrows. I know they need to be done but we're not here for that

Realz don’t watch my eyebrows. I know they need to be done but we’re not here for that

Halep’s Section Eighth: Halep had a glorious 2014, quarterfinalist here, finals in Roland Garros and Wimbledon semifinals. Not to mention that she made it to the WTA YEC final beating Serena in straight sets on her way there only to lose in straight sets to Serena but she played a great tournament. With all that, Koolaide Juice Jug is hoping to improve upon those results this year with a new coach who she said is more in line with her Romanian philosophy. I think Halep will make the quarterfinal without much of a fuss. In the 3rd round, she could meet Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki but even this matchup I am sure Halep will get by without any trouble. Sara ETrrani (14) is a possible 4th round opponent. However, I am not sure what the Italian will do this year on tour. Her ranking is slipping downwards so she would definitely love a boost to be back in the top 10. She is also a dangerous player except when she is playing Martha or Serena. Otherwise, Errani can be hell for most players on her good day. So if Halep wants to win this title or at least get close to winning it, she best watch out for the likes of Errani.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Bouchard (7) Quarter

Wait what? You're saying if this were the sport that's the only way I am winning a major?

Wait what? You’re saying if this were the sport that’s the only way I am winning a major?

Bouchard’s Section Eighth: The Canadian is another of those young ladies who had a great 2014: semis in Melbourne, Roland Garros and a Wimbledon final. She also got to the WTA finals but she did not win a single match in her debut. Nonetheless, she has a lot of points to defend this year and without a coach in her corner, things might not be so smooth as they were last year. Bouchard could face veteran and 2-time major champion Kuzi-Rex (27) in the 3rd round and then the tricky German lefty, Carebear Kerber (9) or that Spanish Lady Hobbit, Carla Suarez Navarro (17) in the Round of 16. I do not think Bouchard is gonna make it to the quarterfinals but one never knows.

Wait what? Cornemort and Murguruza are in the same quarter as Serena? Sweet LOL

Wait what? Cornemort and Murguruza are in the same quarter as Serena? Sweet LOL

And no I don't practice the dark arts of draw fixing ... at least not all the time :-)

And no I don’t practice the dark arts of draw fixing … at least not all the time 🙂

Martha Shriekapova’s Section Eighth: I think we can just about safely write in quarterfinals and/or semifinals. She has no real threats in path at all. In fact, she has not lost to Halep yet. So even if the seeds stay true to form, Martha might be a sure bet. Her 3rd round opponent is Zarina Diyas (31) who has no fire power to hurt Martha in the least. Only tough draw for the Russian might be Lucie Safarova (16) who will have to play the match of her life to get this upset. Nonetheless, I think we can put Martha in the finals and if anyone shows up other than Kvitova and Serena, it is Martha’s title to win or lose.

So here we are at the end! I hope we have a fun and great Aussie Open this year. Hopefully my favourites get their lives together and win the darn thing!

As much as I want to be loving LiNaLi in this picture giving me that pregnancy glow, that security guard in those shoes are KILLING ME! This is why I can never buy a pair of New Balance to save my life

As much as I want to be loving LiNaLi in this picture giving me life with that beautiful pregnancy glow, that security guard in those shoes is KILLING ME! This is why I can never buy a pair of New Balance to save my life

Vickie is out partying. I hope she has her life together because she has a tough road ahead of her to get back to the top

Vickie is out partying. I hope she has her life together because she has a tough road ahead of her to get back to the top

It is like Venus loves to piss me off. WTF is she wearing a napkin on her head. And I am sorry this dress looks okay but it is giving me Christmas Angel pageant so I cannot approve

It is like Venus loves to piss me off. WTF is she wearing a napkin on her head? And I am sorry this dress looks okay but it is giving me Christmas Angel pageant so I cannot approve. Serena I can see your busted edges from here

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2015 New Year Resolutions for Our Players to Watch

In Borna Coric, Caroline Wozniacki, Eugenie Bouchard, Gael Monfils, Genie Bouchard, Grigor Dimitrov, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Simona Halep, Slaone Stephens, Taylor Townsend, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on December 31, 2014 at 6:50 pm

THIS IS A RE-POSTING OF A PIECE THAT CAN BE FOUND ON Soley Tennis Travels http://soleytennistravels.com/new-year-resolutions-players-to-watch-in-2015/ SHE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST TENNIS MINDS OUT THERE! CHECK OUT OUR COLLABORATION HERE DEALING WITH WHAT WE ARE HOPING WILL HAPPEN IN 2015! 

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2015 is just around the corner and we are continuing with that noble Roman tradition of crafting new year’s resolutions. I haven’t made a new year’s resolution in years and I am not about to do it now. The next best thing is to make up resolutions for other people! How grand is that? All of the perks but none of the stressors on me.

I rallied one of my favorite tennis bloggers to get his take on the resolutions he’d like to see five ATP and five WTA players adopt in 2015. I  offer my own and then his fervent wishes.

L-R: Genie Bouchard, Victoria Azarenka, Taylor Townsend, Venus Williams, & Sloane Stephens. Images from Zimbio

Venus Williams: I resolve to stop tiring myself out by playing doubles at slams and focus on winning another Wimbledon by playing to my strengths: use my first serve & nail those volleys in a kickass white outfit.

Sloane Stephens: I resolve to ignore stans of all ilk on Twitter, recognizing that age is on my side (side-eyes these old broads), and win one title. At least one.

Genie Bouchard: I resolve to try and stay injury free, so that I can avoid the predicted sophomore slump. I will also continue to be viciously ambitious. Get used to it folks, it’s what all the millenials are doing.

Taylor Townsend: I resolve to accept my greatness and hit the gym harder. I might also snatch Martina Navratilova from Aga if I can manage it.

Victoria Azarenka: I resolve to review videos of 2011 to remind myself of what I am capable. Also, I resolve to stop trying the charm offensive and go back to entering courts with my head phones blasting and wearing shorts.

L-R: Roger Federer, Tomas Berdych, Grigor Dimitrov, Rafa Nadal, & Gael Monfils. Images from Zimbio.

Rafa Nadal: I resolve to defend a hardcourt title in 2015 and accept all of Tommy Hilfiger’s suggestions about dressing myself.

Tomas Berdych: I resolve to approach every match as if I am facing Roger Federer at the Olympics and to remember how possible it all seemed right after Stan’s demolition of Rafael Nadal in Australia in 2014.

Grigor Dimitrov: I resolve to spend less time falling on the court and more time channeling whomever that guy was at Wimbledon who took out Andy Murray in straight sets. I also resolve to get my ego in check and show up at the World Tour Finals as an alternate, if I’m ever so lucky to be that close again.

Roger Federer: I resolve to continue to do my old man exercises, stretch my back and stop being surprised by streaky queens at slams (Rafa, Gulbis, Cilic, and Nole). Can I get Nole to double fault when he’s playing me at a slam?

Gael Monfils: I resolve to keep being awesome every where I go and up my odds in a final by aiming for just winning a point instead of dazzling the crowd.


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One of my favorite passionate and occasional satirical blogger is RealzTenisFanz. He has some very intriguing ideas about the resolutions for some of his players. We ended up picking all but three of the same players! You can find his brand of tennis wisdom athttps://realztenisfanz.wordpress.com/

L-R: Simona Halep, Petra Kvitova & Borna Coric.  Images from Zimbio.

First off, it was very difficult for me to find 5 men and 5 women that I cared two real shakes about but I looked through the list and I came up with something … just know this is because I really like you Andreen and I tried.

So on the Women’s

1) Serena Williams: I need her to get her clothing/apparel/gear together. It was a mess all of 2014. I cannot think of a single outfit that I liked. Well there were some decent pieces in doubles. However, singles was disgusting; the colour combination, the construction, overall presentation, they were all messy. French Open, Wimbledon and US Open. They were all horrible. Most egregious was the Miami outfit looking like a bad bottle of Gatorade. She does better for me in 2 pieces and not when she tries to go for the altogether bit in a dress. That animal print at the US Open. Atrocious. Anyway, I need that situation to be fixed as well as her hair. That Ambri/Brazilian/Remi nonsense has to go. I got two words for it Gurl Bye! I am not gonna say any more on that.

This hair doesn't need to be here anymore

This hair doesn’t need to be here anymore! I am not even going to address the brows and lashes!

There are 7 things wrong with this outfit. Can you spot them?

There are 7 things wrong with this outfit. Can you spot them?

This doesn't even make any sense.

This doesn’t even make any fashion sense. Why am I looking this ridiculous? 

Why did my family let me come out the house looking like this?

Why did my family let me come out the house looking like this?

Horse hair and zebra print. Can this outfit be put out to pasture?

Horse hair and zebra print. Can this outfit be put out to pasture?

Back in 2005 things were so much more interesting!

Back in 2005 things were so much more interesting!

As for her tennis, I would really love for her to win the grand slam in 2015. She has really shown herself to be an all-court player and I think she deserves to get this under her belt. I am not a huge fan of Steffi Graf (blame that on the Monica Seles incident and also her husband) so I would really love it for Serena to be the undisputed best female player in the sport thus far. She has brought a lot more to the game, the sport as a whole and everything else good and bad to tennis and she really should get this one title. It is the only thing she doesn’t have. If she can’t win all four, I don’t mind her getting to 21 and lose to Venus at the US Open. I can definitely live with that. She needs to get back her Melbourne magic though. She was great in Melbourne but for the last 3 years, it has been mundane play.

THIS WO-MANCE IS UNUSUAL, UN-TENNIS, UN-AMERICAN, UN-DANISH AND UN-BELIEVEABLE

THIS WO-MANCE IS UNUSUAL, UN-TENNIS, UN-AMERICAN, UN-DANISH AND UN-BELIEVEABLE

I AM GOING TO NEED ALL PARTIES INVOLVE TO CEASE AND DESIST WITH ALL THIS NONSENSICAL WO-MANCE BETWEEN HER AND CARO. IT IS RIDICULOUS AND UN-TENNIS. If Caro is not a friend of Venus then she shouldn’t be a friend of Serena.

This is the only acceptable form of interaction between these two

This is the only acceptable form of interaction between these two

2) Venus Williams: Well it is no secret that Venus is like a thorn in my side. We have been through many ups and downs. I want to believe in my main gurl but she slays me all the time. Nonetheless, I think there might be some old magic left in her trunk and she can come through for me. I am going to need her to be making some major noise on tour this year especially at the French and Wimbledon. For some crazy reason I always envisioned this woman doing damage on the clay but she is messy and streaky. If she wants to get it done on the terre bateau, she is going to have to come to net and stick the volleys of course and that hot mess serve is gonna have to go far far away. She can pick up a couple tour titles but I am really looking for her to bring her expertise and experience at the majors and knock off some of these “pushers”.

Goodbye to this Vague Varying Venus

Goodbye to this Vague Varying Venus! She is not good for my heart and spirit

I need this Vintage Venus to come back in 2015

I need this Vintage Venus to come back in 2015

3) Victoria Azarenka: I would like Vickie aka Victoria A to get her life and fitness together and be back in the top 10. I don’t wanna hear any excuses as well as any insufferable comments about her current, former and/or pending relationships. I am just interested in her and her tennis. Win and/or lose no excuses from her or her camp.

I need you to remember who you are Vickie. You're a 2-time major champion

I need you to remember who you are Vickie. You’re a 2-time major champion

4) Petra Kvitova: I am going to need Petra to stay in the top 5. I don’t want no bullshit or jellyroll from this Czech. She needs to focus on tennis and not balls if you know what I mean. I don’t know what is her problem but she needs to stop acting like a college co-ed on Spring Break. Her favour is not some free handout as Costco. She’s gonna have to come up with better tennis except when playing Venus. That Wimbledon match still bothers me tremendously.

Petra you can play tennis besides at Wimbledon

Petra you can play tennis besides at Wimbledon

5) Simona Halep: Mrs. Koolaide Jug. I know people hate on her and call her a pusher etc. However, I really think considering the circumstances of the game, height, court, ball, equipment, she is pretty decent. She comes off like a Vickie without all the histrionics. She doesn’t bother me much. I would really like to see her have another solid year. This was a good year but clearly she was not satisfied and I like that. She’s hungry for more. Whether she can actually produce this is another story. I am not sure if much can be improved save for mental sharpness. I also want her to be more present v Shriekapova and sneak out some wins.

Simona, since Venus stopped playing New Haven back in early 2000's, this has ceased being a real tournament. So I am gonna need you to do better than that. Thanks

Simona, since Venus stopped playing New Haven back in early 2000’s, this has ceased being a real tournament. So I am gonna need you to do better than that. Thanks

MEN’s

I need you to make this happen again!

I need you to make this happen again!

1) Roger Federer: Mr. Federer. It is no secret that when it comes to the Swiss maestro, I am greedy. I want him to win everything. However, this is not possible but I would like him to get two major wins this win including the Aussie Open title and re-claim number 1 spot. I know he loves Wimbledon but I can deal with him getting his 2nd French Open title over Divadal. That would make my year …. it would make my life in fact. I will never forget 2008 Wimbledon. Divadal deserves his comeuppance.

Need I say more

Need I say more

2) Rafa Nadal: Divadal. He needs to stay slamless in 2014 and come out of the closet. In fact I need him to get dragged out of the closet. The nonsense he and his Unclé Toni be playing at is really grating and I am sick and tired of all this media antics. Sick of his “sickness” etc.

Yeah even I am confused by what's going on here

Yeah even I am confused by what’s going on here

3) Novak Djokovic: Djoker. This is going to be really hard. He is gonna have to make me like him. I respect his game but he reeks of being a douchebag a lot of the times. I am gonna need him to be a respectable tennis player and not some media monkey puppet.

I'm a good guy and you're gonna like me in 2015

I’m a good guy and you’re gonna like me in 2015

4) Gael Monfils: I am going to need Monfils to play an entire year of professional tennis. I don’t know if he imagines that he can start a “Globetrotters version of tennis” but I am gonna need this Frenchman to get into the top 10 and stay there.

No more crazy Gael in 2015

No more crazy Gael in 2015

Yeah Beetlejuice, you have to show me that you can play great tennis like you play against Mr. Federer except when you play him

Yeah Beetlejuice, you have to show me that you can play great tennis like you play against Mr. Federer except when you play him

5) Borna Coric: I would like this young player to be seeded by the time the US Open rolls around. I like his attitude and his game. There is of course room for development but I would like to see his game get on board and for him to do some damage.

Borna Coric. Fresh young face on the tour and he doesn't reek of doucheyness

Borna Coric. Fresh young face on the tour and he doesn’t reek of doucheyness

Well, those are certainly resolutions that you won’t find everywhere. Because I know some of ya’ll have a dirty mind,

9jd210

I asked Realz to clarify his resolution for Divadal and he said “Davidal should play it straight with us, himself and the media. The level of misinformation from his camp makes it difficult for us to take him seriously unless you are his most ardent fan.”

You need to come straight with your fans Divadal!

You need to come straight with your fans Divadal! No more shenanigans! 

People are starting to talk

People are starting to talk! Gurl Bye! 

Thank you @realztenisfanz for keeping us on our toes in tennis land!

NO THANK YOU ANDREEN! As always A PLEASURE WORKING WITH YOU!

Wimbledon 2014: Day 5

In Agnes Radwanska, Alexander Dolgopolov, Andy Murray, Angelique Kerber, Caroline Wozniacki, Ekaterina Makarova, Feliciano Lopez, Gilles Simon, Grigor Dimitrov, Jerzy Janowicz, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Li Na, Lleyton Hewitt, Marin Cilic, Milos Raonic, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Roger Federer, Stanislas Wawrinka, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Wimbledon on June 30, 2014 at 11:53 am
My gurl is gone!

My gurl is gone!

So RealzTenisFanz is late yet again. Oh my what a weekend! What a weekend. Realz is depressed! Wimbledon is giving me fever; typhoid and scarlet fever! I can’t; I just cannot deal with these results. I do not even have time for chit-chat about anything else but my gurl Ebony Starr lost. Oh fanz, you do not know how much I am emotionally connected to this gurl. Oh my the lost wrecked me for the weekend. Granny Vee (30) played Petra Kvitova (6) aka  Grand High Witch aka GHW. They played perhaps one of the best matches all year and my gurl last, 7-5 6-7 5-7. “[T]oday I did the best I could. I think she played well at every single moment. There weren’t a lot of opportunities for either one of us. She played well. I gave it my all. Sometimes it’s not enough … “Yeah, it’s a shame there had to be a loser in this match and more of a shame that it had to be me. But all I can say is that it’s great to see women’s tennis on such a high level.” Well I am glad that Granny Vee feels this way because I sure ain’t feeling all this. I was down; realz down. I really wanted Ebony Starr to do well here. I am happy that she did not lose badly but nevertheless, she lost.

It was rough gurl real rough

It was rough gurl real rough

GHW working some magic on my gurl at the end breaking her in the 12th game

GHW working some magic on my gurl at the end breaking her in the 12th game

Realz still love you Granny Vee! Just get it together for the summer. We expecting titles this summer like back in 2000 and 2001

Realz still love you Granny Vee! Just get it together for the summer. We expecting titles this summer like back in 2000 and 2001

Something doesn't smell right here ... oh yeah it's my game. It stinks to high heaven

Something doesn’t smell right here … oh yeah it’s my game. It stinks to high heaven

And in other upsetting news, LiNaLi (2) lost yet again to a lower ranked player Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova 7-6 7-6. This was such a ridiculous match. I mean Li took the early lead and then totally collapsed. She was raining errors all over the place. I mean when she missed, she was missing badly. It was like she wanted to lose. Both she and Granny Vee had excellent draws and could have made something of it. However they are both gone now and fanz just have to bemoan their losses.

Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova

Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova

Meanwhile, do you know who is still in the draw? Bratzwanska (4), Mrs. Koolaide aka Simona Halep (3), Lady Gollum (23), Makarova (22) and even Danish Biscuit (16). They all won their matches and moved through to the next round. Wait, because of rain, Danish Biscuit, Mrs. Koolaide and up and coming Belinda Bencic who beat Victoria Duval from the US, all played their 2nd round matches on Friday. The other winners include Shuai Peng who beat another American Lauren Davis and another Czech Tereza Smitkova. That makes 4 Czech women in the Round of 16 more so than any other country. Even more so than the US who currently is batting ZERO. Their last hope is Madison Keys who is currently in battle with Yaroslava Shvedova. Keys already dropped the first set and they are locked in a tiebreaker in the 2nd set. Play was suspended due to poor lighting. Meanwhile, I have to say that both Danish Biscuit and Bratzwanska are dropping bagels and breadsticks sets on their opponents like opponents like they are daughters of Betty Crocker and the Pillsbury Dough Man. Those girls have been ruthless thus far.

Realz you trying to act as though it our fault that your peoples suck adn we don't . No I am just saying that I don't like you folks especially when my peeps not around... kidding gurl.. you look like you about to have a coronary. Take a joke

Realz you trying to act as though it our fault that your peoples suck adn we don’t . No Makarova, I am just saying that I don’t like you folks especially when my peeps not around… kidding gurl.. you look like you about to have a coronary. Take a joke! That vein about to pop

On the men’s side, well Djoker Harlequeen has made getting to the 2nd week of Wimbledon look like hard work. Gurl has been messy. I mean she has won relatively routinely but she is giving a lot of these scrubs looks at breaking him. A lot of them even thinking that they can even get the upset; this is not cute. I mean seriously, he is the only one capable of dealing with Divadal and lord knows he made a mess of it. I mean he has been rolling through and getting the wins but still, gurl needs to look a lot sharper if he intends to win his 2nd Wimbledon. He took out Gilles Simon 6-4 6-2 6-4.

He almost damaged his shoulder. But he's okay

He almost damaged his shoulder. But he’s okay

Meanwhile, you know how is looking in great shape? Lochness Monster (3)! He is just dragging these boys out here lately. He got out Roberto Bautista-Agut (27) 6-2 6-3 6-2. Nevertheless, this is all good and cute but Bautista-Agut is not the Spaniard he needs to be beating like this … You get what I am saying? I mean seriously, everyone be trying to drag the Spanish boys except the one Spaniard at the top.

Thanks for showing up at my party. A gift bag is at the door on your way out

Thanks for showing up at my party. A gift bag is at the door on your way out

Anyways, Maria’s clutch Dimitrov (11) came back from being down 1-2 sets and knocked out BWLLAGWLLAB (Boy Who Looks Like A Girl Who Looks Like A Boy) Dolgopolov (21). BWLLAGWLLAB was up but he decided to let the match go and totally capitulated in the 5th set 6-7 6-4 2-6 6-4 6-1. Anyway, Dimitrov is supposedly the “dark horse” in this competition. Yeah okay! I mean I seriously doubt one of these scrubs is going to pull a “Stan” at Wimbledon. Other winners include Baby Ali (14) and Chin Cilic (26) who beat Berdshite (6) in straight sets. Chin Cilic played an excellent match. I swear Berdshite is bird brain. He is so passive in big matches. Meanwhile, Sergiy Stakhovsky who beat Gulbis in the 2nd round, well he did the same nonsense by losing in the next round in the 4 sets to Jeremy Chardy. Mr. Pignini (16) aka Fognini is gone as Kevin Anderson (20) took him to the slaughter house.

I thought I was playing on the ATP

I thought I was playing on the ATP

Gurl what you saying about me?

Gurl what you saying about me?

There were several 2nd round matches that had to be completed. Marcel Granollers (30) lost to Santiago Giraldo who for his winning efforts will play Mr. Federer in the 3rd round. Leonardo Mayers beat Andrey Kuznetsov in straight sets. Meanwhile, Jerzy Janowicz (15) took out Hewitt in 5 sets.

Divadal this is how to work an injury on court ... First you fall

Divadal this is how to work an injury on court … First you fall

Then you are in real pain

Then you are in real pain

Where does it hurt? Right now, my nose. Your breath stinks

Where does it hurt? Right now, my nose. Your breath stinks

Definitely abs day at the gym!!

Definitely abs day at the gym!!

Definitely working on my abs

Definitely working on my abs

Hush my baby. It's okay sweetie. It is only one loss, I will make you feel better tonight

Hush my baby. It’s okay sweetie. It is only one loss, I will make you feel better tonight

TSONGA ON COURT DANCE MOVES

First up in the air

First up in the air

Try for the splits but if you can't try a wolf jump type (gymnastic move)

Try for the splits but if you can’t try a wolf jump type (gymnastic move)

Then one hand in the air

Then one hand in the air

The the other

The the other

Then you shake that thing that your mama gave you

Then you shake that thing that your mama gave you

The best I have seen Caro aka Danish Biscuit look in like forever

The best I have seen Caro aka Danish Biscuit look in like forever

I think my moobs are bigger than her boobs

I think my moobs are bigger than her boobs

Wimbledon 2014: Day 2

In Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, Daniela Hantuchova, Francesca Schiavone, Gael Monfils, Jerzy Janowicz, Jie Zheng, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, John Isner, Lukas Rosol, Maria Sharapova, Marion Bartoli, Mikhail Kukushkin, Milos Raonic, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roberta Vinci, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Stanislas Wawrinka, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tsvetana Pironkova, Urszula Radwanska, Varvara Lepchenko, Victoria Duval, Wimbledon on June 25, 2014 at 10:02 am

Day 2

So here we are with Day 2 at the 2014 Wimbledon Championships. Nearly all matches were completed and most of the big names got through to the 2nd round. However, there were some upsets mostly on the women’s side. The men seem to be in it for the money; 1st round money is very good but 2nd round money is even better.

201406241058395283878

Divadal finally made it to the 2nd round of a grass court tournament

Divadal (2) won his 1st round match … well that is to say that he finally won a match on grass. He took out Martin Klizan 4-6 6-3 6-3 6-3. Interestingly enough they met last year at the French Open in the 2nd round. The scoreline was the same. Klizan had his chances to do much more but he could not execute on the big points. Divadal does not look so smooth but it does not matter. A win is a win. You don’t win a major in the first week but you sure can lose one. Things are even more interesting because guess who Divadal is playing in the 2nd round …. None other than Lukas Rosol himself; the man who started Divadal’s troubles on grass back in 2012 when he dismissed him at Wimbledon in the 2nd round. After that loss, Divadal disappeared from tour claiming “The Knees were acting up.” He returned to the tour in February 2013. Divadal did not lose a single match on hard court all of 2013. Now I am not starting any rumours here, I am just stating facts. Rosol took out French hotness Benoit Paire in his opening round match 6-3 3-6 7-6 6-4. It is very very very very unlikely that Rosol will score another upset but non-fanz of Divadal will be ever hopeful that lightening will strike twice.

SHIT! I thought I was going to get that upset today

SHIT! I thought I was going to get that upset today

Anyway we digress, Baby Ali (14) finished up his match against Meltdown by serving it out at love 6-1 3-6 3-6 6-2 6-4. When rain interrupted play on Monday, Baby Ali was up 5-4 in the 5th. Also finishing up his match was Sam Querrey aka The Grinch. He knocked out fellow American Bradley Klahn 6-7 6-4 6-1 7-5.

Even though he only played one game today, you know we hardly need an excuse to show Baby Ali

Even though he only played one game today, you know we hardly need an excuse to show Baby Ali

Mr. Federer (4) won his match with relative ease 6-1 6-1 6-3. He took out Italian Paolo Lorenzi. Mr. Federer had 9 aces, 40 winners and 20 errors. However, a lot of those errors came about as a result of poor execution. I can’t deal with a sloppy Federror. He needs to do better. His level of play will suffice for the scrubs and lower tiers of the ATP but when he meets the likes Goonie Gulbis, Divadal et al, it will not hold up at all. Nonetheless we move on: Fellow Swiss player, Stan the Man (5) or “Stanimal” as he being called… for me Wawrinka cannot be a “Stanimal” when he is losing regular tour matches to scrubs on a regular basis. When he has multiple majors and master series title, then he’ll be “Stanimal” for now he is just “Stan the Man” who beat Divadal’s @$$ in the Aussie Open final causing Divadal to claim “bad back.” Anyway, Stan the Man took out hotness Joao Sousa 6-3 6-4 6-3. Stan had 18 aces. That’s some big boy serving.

Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer

Stan the Man

Stan the Man

Other seeded players who won include up and coming contenders Milos Raonic aka Dennis the Menace (8), BFG Isner (9), Kei Nishikori (10), Richard Gasquet (13) who needed 5 sets to get rid of his opponent, James Duckworth 6-7 6-3 3-6 6-0 6-1. Jerzy Janowicz (15) also needed 5 sets to get past Somdev Dewarman 4-6 6-3 6-3 3-6 6-3. FeFe Lopez (19) who must be super exhausted having played two weeks of tennis coming into this tournament. Lopez won three tiebreaker sets to move through to the 2nd round. Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) won in straight sets as did Beetlejuice (24). Tommy Robredo (22) won his 1st round match in 4 sets.

I gotta say that one arm bit looks really cool on Dennis the Menace Raonic

I gotta say that one arm bit looks really cool on Dennis the Menace Raonic

Several players of interest also won today including Nick Kyrgios of Australia (a hottie, if you like that thickish of Greek and Malay heritage) and fellow Aussie Llyeton Hewitt. Gilles Muller who took out Andy Roddick in 2005 1st round also won as did American Jock Sock, Lukas Kubot, quarterfinalist here last year, Jarrko Nieminen and Mikhail Kukushkin. There were several upsets including unseeded Alejandro Falla who did well on the grass leading up to Wimbledon; he lost in straight sets to Ante Pavic of Croatia. Guillermo Garcia-Lopez (28) lost to Dusan Lajovic in 5 sets; Ivo Karlovic (29) lost in straight sets to Franck Dancevic and Dimitri Tursunov (32) lost to Denis Istomin. So that’s about it for the men’s.

BFG Isner will now be known as the Troll

BFG Isner will now be known as the Troll

Oh I just want to point you to a story regarding John Isner aka BFG … (See link below) http://trollandgarros.tumblr.com/post/89253044033/isner-puts-his-white-privilege-on-display-says-the  It is a really good read. See I really have an issue with Isner’s comments. First off, I do not know why or how he felt he had the necessary “credentials” to weigh in on this matter. However, I like the fact that the author of this piece served up some “truth tea detox” Second since I am in FULL agreement … well let me know say full but I am with the author on many of his salient points AND also somewhat dismayed by Isner’s ensuing comments when others tried to enlighten him; I am going to change Isner’s name. From henceforth, BFG which means Big Friendly Giant will just still be “Troll” or perhaps “Mountain Troll” I would really like to hear from you on this matter. I do not understand how people can think “Redskins” is okay to be calling a professional football time. I mean I do not even know why the sport is even called “football” but we not even going to touch that one.

BFG is now a Troll

BFG is now a Troll

On the women’s side: The Serenanator (1) is looking good. She had a tough opening service game which took her 10 minutes to complete. She later said that she played well but the girl was hitting some good shots. Anyway, the demons did not come out because the Serenanator was all over Ana Tatishivili as she took her out 6-1 6-2. She had 31 winners of which 16 were aces and 13 unforced errors. Those are some healthy numbers; very very healthy and positive. Hopefully she keeps this up because the road ahead is going to be intense and there can be no letting up of the focus and intensity.

The Serenanator is ready to do battle at Wimbledon

The Serenanator is ready to do battle at Wimbledon

Simona Halep (3) who I swear looks like the Koolaid Juice Jug (I know it is wrong but I swear it is what comes to mind every single time) also had a quick affair on the court. She moved through in straight sets as did Bratzwanska (4), Shriekapova (5) who is supposedly looking good 6-1 6-0 but judging by the numbers, 13 winners, 9 errors, 3 aces and 5 double faults, 43% on 2nd serve, I am going to say “meh.” This is Shriekapova just handling the Lady planktons with her usual ruthless flair. Carebear Kerber (9) took out lil sis Radwanska in straight sets also. Ivanovic The Terrible (11) was almost in trouble against Francesco Schiabone. However, it seemed as though Schiabone had other ideas in mind than winning the big points. Maybe it was the longer hair or the slight attempt to feminize herself that was mucking up her game. Who knows and who cares? Anyway, Ana won in straight sets. 2013 finalist Sabine Losicki (19) also won in straight sets. The German took out Israeli Julia Glushko 6-2 6-1.

I think Shriekapova is going to a picnic or something with that much bags

I think Shriekapova is going to a picnic or something with that much bags

Other seeded players who came through include Genie Bouchard (13), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16), Kristopher Flipkens (24) last year’s semifinalist, Cornemort (25) and Klara Koukalova (31) who took out American Taylor Townsend in straight sets 7-5 6-2. Other winners of interest are Jie Zheng, Madison Keys who took out another young hopeful Monica Puig in straight sets, Varvane Lepchenko who dismissed Tsetvana Pironkova (Granny Vee thanks you Lepchenko), Heather Watson of England, Belinda Bencic of Switzerland and Camila Giorgi of Italy.

Bye Gurl Pironkova! Bye!

Bye Gurl Pironkova! Bye!

There were several key upsets on the ladies side biggest of which was Fivehand Jungle Witch Jankovic (7) who was dismantled by Kaia Kanepi, quarterfinalist here last year. Kanepi took care of business 6-3 6-2. Fattychunkova (26) lost in 3 sets to American Alison Riske as did fellow Russian Kuzi Rex (28) who lost to Michelle Larcher De Brito. Roberta Vinci (21) and doubles partner Sara ETranni (14) will be concentrating solely on doubles this Wimbledon as they were both booted out of the singles draw in three sets. Vinci lost to Donna Vekic 4-6 6-4 4-6 and ETranni lost to Caroline Garcia 6-2 6-7 5-7. Sorana Cirstea (29) was also sent packing when she lost to American qualifier Victoria Duval 4-6 6-3 1-6. American Christina McHale was also dismissed.

I was this close to winning the match!

I was this close to winning the match!

Kuzi-Rex what a disappointment!!

Kuzi-Rex what a disappointment!!

Anyway, that’s all folks … Day 3 action will feature Lochness Monster, Djoker, Granny Vee, GHW Kvitova, Tampomic, Maria’s hangbag Dimitrov, Bratzwanska, Berdshite and many others… So PLEASE check us out. DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT even if just about the pictures…

So Bartoli showed up on Centre Court and she was all teary eye

So Bartoli showed up on Centre Court and she was all teary eye … I too got all teary eye watching this hideous outfit unfold (White and off white lace combination and the necklace #icant)

Now I don't want to hate but really gurl? Really? We are wearing white lace like some Victorian age bride? And those shoes? I think they are to hide her infamous cankles

Now I don’t want to hate but really gurl? Really? Those shoes? I think they are to hide her infamous cankles but still

Even Lisicki is like WTF?? Gurl what happened? Those shoes honey are just You look...you look... you look plentiful

Even Lisicki is like WTF?? Gurl what happened? Those shoes honey are just You look…you look… you look so plentiful. Eating well in retirement I see”  Meanwhile, what is that stain on the bottom of that “dress” ? Actually, I don’t wanna know

Joao Sousa from Portugal

Joao Sousa from Portugal

201406241058395123872

Martin Klizan, you might be a loser in the 1st round but you’re a winner in our hearts here at Realz… and we have a “special prize” for you

You lost on the tennis court today Daniela but you're definitely winning in fashion court

You lost on the tennis court today Daniela but you’re definitely winning in fashion court

Veteran hottie around these parts is looking a bit weathered but he can still get it

Veteran hottie around these parts is looking a bit weathered but he can still get it

We don't even know his name and we don't even know that.... We just need to know where he's staying

We don’t even know his name and we’re not even trying to find out either….What we need to know is where he’s staying

Looking cute as ever

Lisicki looking cute as ever … we’re gonna ignore the snaggletooth

Beetlejuice... gurl.. How you doing?

Beetlejuice… gurl.. this is definitely not cute even by your standards

Beetlejuice got himself for cornrows ... Definitely has not improved his look but to be honest, it doesn't hurt it either

Beetlejuice got himself cornrows … Definitely has not improved his look but to be honest, it doesn’t hurt it either

Of course you we gotta talk about Carlo

Of course you we gotta talk about Carlo

Francisco is trying to give us femme realness

Francisco is trying to give us femme realness

I've fallen....

I’ve fallen….

And I can't get up

And I can’t get up

Gurl, why you acting like a heifer eating the grass? We don't behave like that at Wimbledon

Gurl, why you acting like a heifer eating the grass? We don’t behave like that at Wimbledon

Don't you wish you had a sexy coach like me

Don’t you wish you had a sexy coach like me

Tiann, I think Danish Biscuit is saying hi to you .... and she's being a bit insensitive about the matter

Tiann, I think Danish Biscuit is saying hello to you …. and she’s being a bit insensitive about the matter

Hewitt is going all out to stay in the game

Hewitt is going all out to stay in the game

Mrs. Hewitt keeping tabs on her "investment" This mofo better not get injured again

Mrs. Hewitt keeping tabs on her “investment” This mofo better not get injured again

Is Patrick M going to sing an aria?

Is Patrick M going to sing an aria?

He is channeling some soprano realness here

He is channeling some soprano realness here

Cornemort had a nose bleed on court ... blood magic I say!!

Cornemort had a nose bleed on court … blood magic I say … blood magic!!

Now we have discussed "Gayneisa" here before; where "straight" guys blame their homosexual tendencies on liquor. "I got really wasted with the guys again and then one thing lead (my pant) to another (their pants) and then another (the undies) and next thing you know, his penis was in my mouth and mine was in his. I don't know why that keep happening"

Now we have discussed “Gayneisa” here before; where “straight” guys blame their homosexual tendencies on liquor. “I got really wasted with the guys again and then one thing (my pants) lead to another (their pants) and then another (the undies) and next thing you know, his penis was in my mouth and mine was in his. I don’t know why that keep happening. I sobered up and was like Broooo we are never doing this again”

Gaynesia is not to be confused with just being "gay" BIG DIFFERENCE

Gaynesia is not to be confused with just being “gay” BIG DIFFERENCE

This is gaynesia. See the different? Good

This is gaynesia. See the different? Good

Now we have discussed "Gayneisa" here before; where "straight" guys blame their homosexual tendencies on liquor. Now what we have a new Realz term for you: "Gaylusion" this is where straight women cannot seem to see they're a fag hag. I mean look at this scene. Holla if you believe there is a straight couple in the midst wearing a yellow shirt

 Now we have a new Realz term for you: “Gaylusion” this is where straight women cannot seem to see they’re a fag hag. I mean look at this scene. Holla if you believe there is a straight couple in the midst wearing a yellow shirt .. those two girls to the side in those short shorts may have just realized that this just might not be where they need to be at “Gurl, I don’t think any of these guys are our types. Really? Why you say that? Gurl look at the front row, it’s a men’s chorale up in here. Look at that soprano in the green shorts! We need to go.” Lady in the red cap, she definitely knows the dealio. Girls, these boys are strictly dickly! 

Meanwhile, YESSS I finally won a match on grass

Meanwhile, YESSS I finally won a match on grass

Gurl, that pocketbook is FABULOUS!!

Now check out my pocketbook. Isn’t it just FABULOUS

Simona Halep

Simona Halep

The Koolaide Jug ... enough said

The Koolaide Jug … enough said

 

Wimbledon 2014: Day 1

In Agnes Radwanska, Andy Murray, Bernard Tomic, Caroline Wozniacki, Daniel Evans, David Ferrer, David Goffin, Dominika Cibulkova, Donald Young, Dustin Brown, Ekaterina Makarova, Fernando Verdasco, Flavia Pennetta, Gilles Simon, Grigor Dimitrov, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Li Na, Marcos Baghdatis, Maria Kirilenko, Mikhail Youzhny, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Radek Stepanek, Robin Haase, Roger Federer, Sam Stosur, Sara Errani, Slaone Stephens, Tomas Berdych, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on June 24, 2014 at 12:27 am
What do you mean we can't get in? WTF??

What do you mean we can’t get in? WTF??

Well Wimbledon 2014 started without any major news aka gossip to spread beforehand. Everything seemed to be perfect other than the fact that there were more tickets for Day 1 than there were places available. People had to be turned away from the grounds. Or so they said. Anyway, let us get right to the results because I am pressed for time. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO CHECK OUT http://www.ubitennis.com/english/?refresh_ce AND http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/  for a more realistic coverage. However, never forget to stay tuned to RealzTenisFanz for your coverage. We’re on TWITTER and FACEBOOK too. PLEASE COMMENT BELOW and provide feedback.

So the men’s

Lochness Monster is looking to continue his winning ways at Wimbledon

Lochness Monster is looking to continue his winning ways at Wimbledon

Lochness Monster (3) who was first up on Centre Court, won his opening round match against the lil Goblin David Goffin 6-1 6-4 7-5. The Goblin can be a lil tricky but Nessie handled him efficiently. Clearly Nessie is under a lot of pressure to do well in his home tournament since he hired a Frenchwoman, Amelie Mauresmo to help him deal with his lack of major major success. You do realize that Nessie has been the last 3 “Wimbledon” finals (2 majors and 1 Olympic) So homegurl is really looking to extend this trend. Anyway, Djoker Harlequeen (1) was feeling himself as he totally dismantled Andrey Golubev 6-0 6-1 6-4. Golubev nearly went down 6-0 6-0 but spurred on by the crowds was able to win himself 5 games to make it a respectable scoreline.

Djoker isn't trying to muck around. He has not won a major since 2013 Aussie Open and lost 4 of the last 4 major finals. NO BUENO

Djoker isn’t trying to muck around. He has not won a major since 2013 Aussie Open and lost 4 of the last 4 major finals. NO BUENO. He is coming for this Wimbledon crown

Berdshite (6) overcame a slow start against Victor Hanescu to move through to the 2nd round 6-7 6-1 6-3 6-2. Of the 153 total points Berdshite won in the match, 75 of them were winners. That’s staggering as that is nearly 50% of his points. Excellent job. Will be interesting to see if the bird brain can keep this up. Anyway, Fake Fire Ferrer (7) also won in 4 sets over fellow Spaniard Pable Carreno-Busta 6-0 6-7 6-1 6-1. Sharapova’s clutch Dimitrov (11) won in straight sets over American Ryan Harrison 7-6 6-3 6-2. A pair of Russians, Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Andrey Kuznetsov, former Wimbledon Junior champion, took out a pair of young British hopefuls, Jamie Ward and Daniel Evans respectively. Youzhny won in straights 6-2 6-2 6-1 and Kuznetsov in 4 sets 6-1 7-5 3-6 7-6.

Are you calling me a douche? No I am calling you Goonie Gulbis

Are you calling me a douche? No I am calling you Goonie Gulbis

Other seeded players who won include Ernest Goonie Gulbis (12) in 3 tough sets over Jurgen Zopp, Fabio “Mr. Pignini” Fognini (16) over American Alex Kuznetsov in 5 sets, Kevin Anderson (20), BWLLAGWLLAB Dolgopolov (21) and Chin Cilic (26). Baby Ali Tsonga (14) has to complete his match against Jurgen Meltdown. They are locked in the 5th set. Tsonga looked to have this match on lockdown as he won the 1st set 6-1 and had early break points in the 2nd set. However, he lost his way and soon found himself down 1-2 sets. He found his way and took the 4th set and now they are in a 5th set. Tsonga up 5-4 and will serve for the match when play resumes.

I need to come back tomorrow?? WTF??

I need to come back tomorrow?? WTF??

Other notable winners were Roberto Bautista-Agut who won last week’s grass court warmup in Holland, Benjamin Becker who took out American hopeful Donald Young in straight sets 6-4 6-3 6-4, Shark Boy Stepanek who will take on Djoker in the 2nd round, Marcos Fatdatis who dismissed Dustin Brown aka Dreddy Tennis aka the man who beat Divadal at Halle two weeks ago. Hottie Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem fizzled out as he was knocked by another youngster, Austrialian qualifier Luke Saville in 4 sets. Fellow Aussie Bernard Tampomic is also through to the 2nd round. The man who beat Mr. Federer last year in the 2nd round, Ukrainian Sergei Stakhovsky won in straight sets over Carlos Berloq 6-3 6-3 6-3. Not to worry Mr. Federer’s fanz, Stakhovsky is on the other side of the draw far far far away from Mr. Federer. They can only meet in the final and we all know that is very unlikely to happen. Frenchmen Gilles Simon and Jeremy Chardy are also through to the 2nd round.

Tabasco Verdasco played like ketchup today

Tabasco Verdasco played like ketchup today

By way of upsets, we have Tabasco Verdasco (18) going out to the likes of Marinko Matosevic 4-6 6-4 4-6 2-6. Matosevic is the douche who had this to say about Lochness Monster hiring Mauresmo as his coach “It’s all equal rights these days. Got to be politically correct. So, yeah, someone has to give it a go. I couldn’t do it, though, since I don’t think that highly of the women’s game.” I really expected Verdasco to shut this fool up with a straight sets beatdown but I guess way too much gel in his hair addled his brains or something. Andreas Seppi (25) also went out in 5 sets to Leonardo Mayer 3-6 6-2 6-4 6-7 4-6. Vasek Pospisil (31) was sent packing by Robin Haase in 4 sets. Well these are not real upsets… I guess I should really say, seeded players got “dispersed” and no one really cares.

I wasn't ready!!!

I wasn’t ready!!!

The Ladies,

Kvitova giving me Grand High Witch face

Kvitova giving me Grand High Witch face

Things were far more routine on the ladies’s side. LiNaLi (2) of course complicated her life against a qualifier but she pulled through in the end in straight sets 7-5 6-2 over Paula Kania. GHW Kvitova (6) also came through in straight sets over Andrea Hlavakova 6-3 6-0. Other straight sets winners included Vickie (8) 6-3 7-5 over Marijana Lucic-Baroni, Dominika Cibuttkova (10), Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta (12), Lady Gollum Safarova (23) over Julia Georges 7-6 7-6, Elena Vesnina (32), Moaning Mona Barthel and Bjona Jovanovski. I have to say again that I am happy at Vickie is back. However, that serve of hers will be the death of her. She was a mess out there today against Lucic-Baroni. She is lucky that girl…well woman since Lucic-Baroni is 32 was not someone of a higher ranking because they would have been all over those measly serves.

Vickie is back in her pum pum shorts

Vickie is back in her pum pum shorts

Granny Vee who just turned 34 last week won her match in 3 sets and before people get on her case saying that she was being messy, I have to say that she was actually playing some decent tennis. Her stats were on point: she got 65% of her 1st serves in, winning 89% of the points (41/46) and 64% on the 2nd serve. She was up at net 20 times and won the point 18 of those times. She was 3/3 on break points with 41 winners including 11 aces and 16 errors. I mean those are some healthy numbers. Usually those are some ridiculous numbers like 1/8 on break points etc etc. Hopefully she keeps this up. And speaking of grandmothers, Granny Goodness Date Krumm was coasting against Ekaterina Makarova (22) but then got lost. She was up 5-0 in the 1st set but could not close it out initially. She won the set 6-3. She dropped the 2nd 4-6 and was up 2-0 in the 3rd but unable to maintain the lead. Makarove took the match 3-6 6-4 7-5 and sent Granny Goodness home.

This ugly Spanish itch was trying to come for me!!

This ugly Spanish itch was trying to come for me!!

I mean seriously Granny Goodness is looking sexy out here... but that knee needs to be replaced

I mean seriously Granny Goodness is looking sexy out here… but that knee needs to be replaced

By way of upsets, we have Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) and Slowe Stephens (18). They were both ousted today to provide the tournament’s first upsets. D’Stove has yet to figure out the courts of Wimbledon despite nearly all pundits saying that her game is suited for the grass. She was knocked out in straight sets but Yanina Wickmayer 6-3 6-4. Slowe Stephens who has made decent runs in the draw at the last 6 majors was dismissed by Maria Kirilenko 6-2 7-6. This should not be of no real surprise since Stephens plays pretty poorly on tour. She was expecting her luck to carry her through to the latter stages but it was not to be the case this yr. Another upset came in the form of Coco Vandeweghe who recently won the grass court warm up tournament in Holland. She took out Garbine Muguruza (27) Serena Slayer at the French Open. Muguruza was dismissed from Wimbledon 3-6 6-3 5-7. And speaking of upsets… well more so upset stomach, Vania King aka Sailor Moon aka Saw Clown. This gurl was up 5-0 in the 1st set only to lose then next….wait for it… the next 12 games to be down 5-7 0-5. She by the grace of God no less took the next three games but unable to deny her opponent Yvonne Meusburger the win 7-5 6-3.

You best take off those sunglasses and try to find yourself a backhand gurl

You best take off those sunglasses and try to find yourself a backhand gurl

WTF is happening? This is a major. I don't lose 1st round...

WTF is happening? This is a major. I don’t lose in the 1st round…

Well that is it for the notable winners on Day 1. Do note that four women’s matches scheduled for today were not completed: Bratzwanska (4), Danish Biscuit (16), Alien v Predator Errani (14) and Kuzi-Rex (28) all have to finish up tomorrow. Tomorrow will also see Divadal, Serenanator, Mr. Federer, the conclusion of Baby Ali’s match, Radwanska matches etc etc.. Hope you enjoyed this posting…

BIG PICTURE SHOW

Definitely some of the Hottest pictures we have had on RealzTenisFanz ever..

Definitely some of the Hottest pictures we have had on RealzTenisFanz ever..

Even Berdshite is surprised he looks so good

Even Berdshite is surprised he looks so good

Wait Realz you were talking about my hair... No I was talking about the weave not your hair..

Wait Realz you were talking about my hair…
No I was talking about the weave not your hair..

Venus giving us Ebony Starr Goddess here!

Venus giving us Ebony Starr Goddess here!

Look at this Ginger cookie.. I want to eat every crumb

Look at this Ginger cookie.. I want to eat every crumb

And his name is Cox I swear!!

And his name is Cox I swear!!

His name is Pospisil but I like to call him Popsicle.. and we know why..

His name is Pospisil but I like to call him Popsicle.. and we know why..

Firey Ferrer at his best

Firey Ferrer at his best

In a certain light and made pliable with some liquor.. Jurgen Meltdown could definitely get it

In a certain light and made pliable with some liquor.. Jurgen Meltdown could definitely get it

Andreas Seppi... would love a sip of this fine Italian win

Andreas Seppi… would love a sip of this fine Italian win

Pablo Carrena-Busta... I mean the nose aside... he could definitely get it

Pablo Carrena-Busta… I mean the nose aside… he could definitely get it

Robin Haase is a YES

Robin Haase is a YES

Russian Evgeny Donskoy I mean come on... how can we not say DA to this

Russian Evgeny Donskoy I mean come on… how can we not say DA to this

He's a lil frustrated man but definitely a hottie

He’s a lil frustrated man but definitely a hottie

I don't know what that finger is for but it is certainly not for number 1 ranked tennis player. Anyway, as always Vickie is a HOTTIE and a lil tongue action, what more can a boy who is into girls want

I don’t know what that finger is for but it is certainly not for number 1 ranked tennis player. Anyway, as always Vickie is a HOTTIE and a lil tongue action, what more can a boy who is into girls want

Kirilenko is serving up fish!! AMAZING

Kirilenko is serving up fish!! AMAZING

Look at Granny Goodness.. she looks really amazing

Look at Granny Goodness.. she looks really amazing

Moaning Mona, what is your excuse

Moaning Mona, what is your excuse

She looks like a carrot that has been eaten by a horse..

She looks like a carrot that has been eaten by a horse..

I must end on Mr. Federer of course

I must end on Mr. Federer of course

Meanwhile Shaq is as lost as ever..

Meanwhile Shaq is as lost as ever..

 

Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part II: The Ladies

In Agnes Radwanska, Alize Cornet, Ana Ivanovic, Andrea Petkovic, Angelique Kerber, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, Dominika Cibulkova, Francesca Schiavone, Jelena Jankovic, Li Na, Maria Kirilenko, Maria Sharapova, Marion Bartoli, Na Li, Petra Kvitova, Sabine Lisicki, Sam Stosur, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Slaone Stephens, Tennis, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka, Wimbledon on June 22, 2014 at 4:19 pm

Championships+Wimbledon+2014+Previews+Q_kChEUlmscl

So the ladies are set for the major of all the majors, Wimbledon. Very few ladies enjoy this tournament because this is the place where “pushing” and “looping” the ball around do not count. Those pushers and loopers die early out there. You have to have some power in your arsenal as well as deadly kill shots if you intend to do well. Even if you sneak into the final, your opponent will just crush you for days. Ask Vera Zvonavera (2010) and Bratzwanska (2012).  Therefore look for the “big girls” to do well; Serenanator, Shriekapova, Ebony Starr (one is hoping and praying), Losicki, Grand High Witch Kvitova etc etc. They are the ones who if they keep their head cool and their game tight, will be the ones in the final. Anyway, I do not have much to say about the ladies because they haven’t done much of consequence lately.

Last year's finalists Bartoli and Losicki

Last year’s finalists Bartoli and Losicki

Just like the men, the draw of 128 has been broken down into the Top Half (Serenanator and Halep) and the Bottom Half (LiNaLi and Bratzwanska). Each half was then further broken down into Quarters. Again, I am not going to make any real predictions but give a likely scenario and speak of possible interesting matchups. We need not make a fool of ourselves by speaking of prediction because we saw how that turned out last time at the French. I mean seriously, Serenanator lost to Muguruza in the 2nd round. Venus losing to some Schmediova. Really gurl? Really? By the end of the first week, nearly the entire top 10 was out of the competition. You do not even need to ask but you know I was not handling this Shriekapova victory well at all. I couldn’t deal!

No Bueno

Anyway, the lead up tournaments to Wimbledon were all won by unlikely candidates; Ivanovic the Terrible got her life together and brought Ana to the court to win her first grass court title in Birmingham, Coco Vandeweghe…yeah that Coco Vandeweghe won ‘s-Hertogenbosch which is in Holland I think if I am not mistaken and another American Madison Keys won Eastbourne. These winners are not known for their grass court prowess but it will be interesting to see what happens to them at Wimbledon. Speaking of Wimbledon, unlike for the men, the committee decided not to touch the women’s seedings. The top 32 ranked players were seeded as such. They didn’t even move up Shriekapova (5) or Ebony Starr (30). I mean if you are going to bump up the likes of Andreas Seppi from 34th in the world to 25th seed Tabasco Verdasco from 23rd to 18th seed and Jerzy Janowicz from 24th to the 15th seed then demote Stan W who is 3rd in the world to 5th seed and put World’s number one Divadal who won only a single match in 2 years at Wimbledon as the number 2 seed, you might as well apply some of this inane logic to the ladies. I am just saying that Cibulkova doesn’t deserve to be 10th seed and who are we kidding with LiNaLi being the number 2 seed and D’Stove Stosur as the 17th seed. Anyway, I digress..

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Serenanator [1] v Shriekapova [5]

So the Serenanator has been having issues at the majors. She has been a mess as of late by her own standards. However, Wimbledon is her favourite place to play and she is looking for her 6th Wimbledon crown. If she is set her year right, Wimbledon is definitely the place to begin. She has a somewhat tough draw, possibly facing fellow American Christina McHale aka McFail in the 2nd round, then in the 3rd round Alize Cornet aka Cornemort (23) who beat her in Dubai semifinal this year and a very hot Genie Bouchard (13) in the Round of 16. Then on top of all of that, she can face Shriekapova (5) in the quarterfinals which would the 10th anniversary of their meeting in the 2004 final when Shriekapova simply crushed the Serenanator. Ironically, it has been nearly 10 years since Shriekapova last beat the Serenanatnor. Andreas Petkovic (20) is also in this section of the draw as a possible 3rd round opponent for the American.

As of late S in Serenanator has come to mean, S for Struggle

As of late S in Serenanator has come to mean, S for Struggle

Things are not so easy for reigning French Open champion Shriekapova either. She not only have to factor in that if she wants to win Wimbledon she will need to solve her Serenanator problem in the quarterfinals but first there is also Anastasia Pavlychenkova (26) aka Fattychunkova or Camila Giorgi in the 3rd round and Carebear Kerber (9) in the Round of 16. Now these ladies, Fattychunkova, Giorgi and Kerber aren’t really worthy opponents for Shriekapova but they have shown in the past that they can beat her and they will be looking for win here if for nothing else but to shut her up. She has really grown quite full of herself as of late. Shriekapova will be looking for the French Open/Wimbledon double which has not been done on the ladies side since the Serenanator in 2002.

Shriekapova getting that practice in

Shriekapova getting that practice in

Quarter 2: Halep [3] v Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic [7]

The 2014 French Open finalist, Halep (3) should have an easy enough time getting to the Round of 16 which she would possibly face the winner of the Ivanovic the Terrible (11) or Sabine Losicki (19) 3rd round match. Ivanovic the Terrible will have to get past Francesco Schiabone in the 1st round. Fivehead Jankovic (7) might be facing Halep in the quarters but there is Yaroslava Shvedova lurking in the 2nd round. There is an interesting 1st round matchup of Madison Keys v Monica Puig. This is worth watching. This section is about as easy a section as one can be. So watch out for a breakthrough star/unknown to come out of this region.

Halep trying to win her 1st major

Halep trying to win her 1st major

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Bratzwanska [4] v Vickie [8]

I am so happy that Vickie is back on the tour. She is a delight to watch and I know she would spare me from some of the silliness I have seen on the tour during her absence. I am happy that she is back. She lost in her first round encounter in Eastbourne last week but I am sure she will get better at this tournament. Last year she had to pull out in the 2nd round I think due to injury but in 2012 she made the semis and also won an Olympic bronze medal. So she can play on the stuff. She is an unpredictable factor in this section of the draw. She also has to with Garbine Muguruza (27) or Coco Vandeweghe in the 3rd round and the winner of the 3rd round matchup of Cibuttkova (10) and Lucie Safarova (23) aka Lady Gollum in the Round of 16.

Vickie is eager to get back on the court of another major

Vickie is eager to get back on the court of another major

Bratzwanska (4) did not have the French Open that she would have preferred. She didn’t even make it past the 3rd round if I am not mistaken. She has to deal with Kuzi-Rex (28) in the 3rd round. Tsvetana Pironkova and Varvarne Lepchenko who play each other in the 1st round could be a possible 4th round opponent. There is also Sara Errani (14) in this section of the draw. Alien v Predator (Errani) has to get past France’s Caroline Garcia.

Quarter 4: LiNaLi (2) v GHW Kvitova (6)

GHW showing off her magic works

GHW showing off her magic works

2011 Champion Kvitova (6) is looking to recapture the magic here. She has been a sorta no-show for most tournaments since that historic win several years ago. She also found herself in scandal when she recently started dating Shark Boy Radek Stapenek. However, she dumped the ugly troll recently and might be more focused on her tennis. Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams (30) is in this section of the draw and could face Kvitova in the 3rd round. Seriously, Venus is capable of getting to the finals. HONESTLY she can do this. However, we are talking about Venus here and relying on her to do good things is like quitting your job and banking on winning the lottery to support yourself. #foolish #uttermadness. Nonetheless, on a personal note, I feel this is my best option right now in life since I am unemployed. So do not count Venus out. Slowe Stephens (18) who has shown a propensity to play well at majors is also in this section of the draw. However, she has Maria Krazilenko in the 1st round. This might be a tough draw for the American especially since Krazilenko, 2012 quarterfinalist, can really play on this stuff.

This is Venus's look for this year's Wimbledon... I am a mehh for this one. Not the best but certainly not the worst

This is Venus’s look for this year’s Wimbledon… I am a mehh for this one. Not the best but certainly not the worst

The sisters are playing doubles this year

The sisters are playing doubles this year

LiNaLi should make the quarters; emphasis on SHOULD. This section is not loaded as other sections. There are Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16) and Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) lurking about in these parts. Neither player has shown herself to be competent on grass. Albeit that LiNaLi isn’t known for her fine play on grass. However, Danish Biscuit and D’Stove have “somewhat tough” opening round matches. Danish Biscuit plays Shahar Peer and D’Stove plays Yanina Wickmayer.

LiNaLi is trying to create some energy behind her name here at Wimbledon. She has basically flatlined since Melbourne

LiNaLi is trying to create some energy behind her name here at Wimbledon. She has basically flatlined since Melbourne

Can someone tell me why Judy Murray is outside in pjs.

Can someone tell me why Judy Murray is outside in pjs.

This concludes the ladies’ draw. Now who do you think will emerge as champion and why? Comment below!

I know many of you might not think the Preview’s are Realz’s usual realzness. However, there is a Part III looking at the WTA cocktail event. Be sure to tune in.

Australian Open 2014: Day 6

In Agnes Radwanska, Alize Cornet, Andy Murray, Australian Open, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Dominika Cibulkova, Donald Young, Feliciano Lopez, Gael Monfils, Gilles Simon, Grigor Dimitrov, Jelena Jankovic, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Kei Nishikori, Maria Sharapova, Milos Raonic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Slaone Stephens, Victoria Azarenka on January 18, 2014 at 8:23 am

Hey Fanz,

Today is going to be a very quick rundown of the score because of time constraints.

Maria is playing herself into major shape at this tournament

Maria is playing herself into major shape at this tournament

Maria Shriekapova (3) took out Alize Cornet (25) who I swear has to be a horcrux of some sorts of Lord Voldemort because she looks a lot like Ralph Fiennes in the Harry Potter Awful movie series. And also Cornet plays like death half the time. Maria raced out to a 4-0 lead before Cornet tried to staunch the bleeding by breaking Maria to only be down 1-4. However, being the witch that she is, we know this break was only an illusion. No way was she going to stage a real comeback in this set. And of course, Cornet gets broken again and Maria served it out to give her the breadstick 6-1. In the 2nd set, Cornet looked more equipped for the challenge and even had set points on multiple occasions but Maria being Maria did not allow Cornet to have it all her way. Maria took it in the breaker 8-6 points and advances to the Round of 16 6-1 7-6.

YES... I am through to the 4th round on my way to a 3rd title

YES… I am through to the 4th round on my way to a 3rd title

Maria and Vickie (2) look on course to meet in the semis as the Belarusian just totally dominated Yvonne Meusburger 6-1 6-0. I am happy that Meusburger got to this stage and not Bojana Jovanovski because I am sure it would have been a double bagel if the Serb had got out of the 2nd round.

Simona Halep (11) took out her opponent quite easily though the 2nd set was a bit more problematic than the 1st 6-1 6-4 over Zarina Diyas of Kazakhstan if I am not mistaken. It seemed as though the early ladies matches were all held at Olive Garden because breadsticks were in abundance. Dominika Cibulkova (20) just totally dismantled Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) 6-1 6-0. I was really surprised by this result because I thought Spaniard would have put up a bit more fight on court. However, the Australian heat has never been kinda to this el nino so I guess that explains this bitter result.

Fivehead JungleWitch

Fivehead JungleWitch

8th seed Fivehead Jankovic took out yet another Japanese player in straight sets 6-4 7-5. Meanwhile, Bratzwanska (5) survived the charge of Anatasia Fattychunkova (29) who was sizzling in the heat and not in the good way. Pavlyunchenkova took the 1st set 7-5 having been behind for most of it but this effort seemed to have taken its toll on her as she meekly went down 2-6 2-6 in the next two sets. Sloane Stephens (13) also came through for her 2nd consecutive Aussie Open Round of 16 as she got past Elina Svitolina who was playing some decent tennis worthy of an upset. However, the American proved to be the steadier of the two 7-5 6-4.

In her 2nd consecutive appearance in the 2nd week of the Aussie Open

In her 2nd consecutive appearance in the 2nd week of the Aussie Open

And speaking of upset, Wozniacki (10) got dumped out of yet another major in the 1st week of competition. This is her 8th consecutive major failing to reach the 2nd week. She took the 1st set against Spain’s Garbine Muguruza Blanco 6-4 but Muguruza smelt that this was a winnable match and increased the pressure on the Dane. Her efforts were rewarded as she took the match 4-6 7-5 6-3. Danish Biscuit really needs to increase the weights of her groundstrokes otherwise, she will be easy pickings for the rest of the field.

The Danish Biscuit crumbles yet again in the early stages of a major

The Danish Biscuit crumbles yet again in the early stages of a major

On the men’s side, Divadal (1) needed little effort to dispatch of Beetlejuice. As a matter of fact, Divadal took the educational route by taking Beetlejuice to Sesame Street to learn his numbers for he was schooled on court. Divadal took the match 6-1 6-2 6-3. Beetlejuice I hope you can find your way back from Sesame Street and hopefully you pick up some effective action plans and discipline along the way.

Let's count... 1 ball for me, 3 sets for me and no more bullshite from you!!

Let’s count… 1 ball for me, 3 sets for me and no more bullshite from you!!

Yes I get it....

Yes I get it….

Lochness Monster (3) has got himself a pigeon in the form of FeFe Lopez (26). Lochness Murray just proved to be more resourceful and more consistent on the court and thus took the match in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-2. I feel that Lopez is a top ten player but again like Beetlejuice, I am not sure he has the discipline and commitment to put in the work. Anyway, looking like that, I really do not think he is mostly concerned about his tennis balls.

I am just hot..what more can I say

I am just hot..what more can I say

I might be ugly but I am sure playing pretty tennis right now

I might be ugly but I am sure playing pretty tennis right now

Mr. Federer (6) also won in straight sets 6-2 6-2 6-3 over Gabashvilli. I really like what I saw in the match. However, things are going to get considerably difficult from here on end as he is set to face Baby Ali Tsonga (10) in the next round as the Frenchman dismissed his countryman Gilles Simon (18) also in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-2.

Tough road ahead for me

Tough road ahead for me

YESSS I get Mr. Federer in the 4th round...

YESSS I get Mr. Federer in the 4th round…

If Mr. Federer is to get through this match, he will surely face Lochness Monster in the quarterfinals as Nessie has a “Lucky Loser” as his Round of 16 opponent. Stéphane Robert who failed to qualify for the main draw got in as Philipp Kohlschreiber pulled out of the tournament, faced another LL Martin Klizan who got in when Nicolas Almagro pulled out as well. However, when these two fortunate souls faced each other for a place in the next round, it was Robert who proved to be luckier. He played safe, smart and at times very brilliant tennis to take the match 6-0 7-6 6-4. This is a wonderful opportunity for the Frenchman who at 33 is in his 1st major Round of 16 albeit that his luck is about to run out against Murray.

I bet you any money he is listening to Beyonce's new album

I bet you any money he is listening to Beyonce’s new album

Kei Nishikori was all samuri like against Young...

Kei Nishikori was all samuri like against Young…

The other three men’s matches featured a bunch of young up and coming players…well mostly players who have been labeled as potential future superstars of the game. So far though, not much have materialized from any of them but one can hardly blame them as this era in tennis is a very very difficult one to make huge impact on the court. Milos Raonic (11) aka Dennis the Menace was just dismal against Grigor Dimitrov (22) aka Mr. Sharapova to you. Raonic is relying on his big serve far too often which is simply a one trick pony move. Dimitrov on the other hand has far more variety to his game and so far this tournament has been showing steady improvement under the new tutelage of Roger Rasheed. Dimitrov took the match 6-3 3-6 6-4 7-6.

Grigor

Grigor

Dimitrov... because sometimes, you're just that hot and get more than one pic

Dimitrov… because sometimes, you’re just that hot and get more than one pic

My what big mouth you have.... all the better to ---- you ...:-)

My what big mouth you have…. all the better to —- you …:-)

This match interestingly enough proved to be the only 3rd round match in the top half where the winner did not win in straight sets. The other two matchups were basically blow outs. Kei Nishikori (16) just utterly destroyed Donald Young on court 7-5 6-1 6-0. Young really needs to get new coaches or at the very least some assistance in the coaching department. His parents have taken him as far as they can. If he really wants to be in the top 20 and I honestly think he has potential to do so, his parents have shown that they are not capable of taking him there. In the final match, Roberto Bautista Agut also dismantled Benoit Paire (27) 6-2 6-1 6-4. I expected a greater effort from the Frenchman but I guess he was drained after his 5th set encounter with Nick Kyrgios in the 2nd round.

Time for a drink...

Time for a drink…

Anyway, this is what draw has shaped up to be in the Men’s top half and the Women’s bottom half for the Round of 16 matchups

Divadal (1) takes on Kei Nishikori (16)
Mr. Sharapova (22) v Bautista Agut
Lochness Monster (4) v Robert (LL)
Mr. Federer (6) v Baby Ali (10) (Interesting)

Vickie (2) v Stephens (13)
Bratzwanska (5) v Muguruza Blanco
Maria (3) v Cibulkova (20)
Fivehead JungleWitch(8) v Halep (11)

 

I don't know what is going on here but something tells me that it is no good...

I don’t know what is going on here but something tells me that it is no good…

 

The Federer girls...waiting for daddy... so sweet...

The Federer girls…waiting for daddy… so sweet…

 

Australian Oven 2014: Day 4

In Agnes Radwanska, Alize Cornet, Andreas Seppi, Andy Murray, Australian Open, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, Dominika Cibulkova, Donald Young, Feliciano Lopez, Grigor Dimitrov, Jerzy Janowicz, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kei Nishikori, Milos Raonic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Slaone Stephens, Varvara Lepchenko on January 16, 2014 at 8:18 am
It is HOT HOT down under!!

It is HOT HOT down under!!

Hey fanz! I hope some of you got to read Day 3 post and if you have not, I hope you do so today. Well the Aussie Oven was one of extremes yesterday. The place was on fire and play had to be suspended. The EXTREME HEAT RULE was put into effect. All courts with roofs will be closed after the current sets and play will resume indoor. All play on outside will be suspended after current sets to await a drop in temperatures. When play resumed after the heat break, the thunder and lightning ensued, suspending play again. This seriously messed up the schedule. So it would be that I would have posted this and some matches would have not been completed. As I right there are several matches taking place on other courts which usually would not be seeing play at this late hour.

My crotch is on fire!! Save me!! Save it!

My crotch is on fire!! Save me!! Save it!

I need the ice in my body, in my veins to keep cool

I need the ice in my body, in my veins to keep cool

She was hallucinating

She was hallucinating

Anyway, in the heat, Maria Shriekapova pulled through a tough match against Karin Knapp of Italy. Maria has been struggling this major. Usually she handles these no namers in convincing fashion but these last 2 rounds showed her to be less than stellar. Anyway, she won the 1st set 6-3 but sloppy serving handed Karin the 2nd set. Maria served for the match 5-4 in the 3rd but then soon lost her way as the Italian broke back and held serve to be up 6-5. Maria now had to serve to stay in the match. She did so three times to get to 8-8. It was at this point Maria got herself together to break and serve out the match 10-8. In her final service game, Maria double faulted 3 times. This kinda play will not serve her well against the likes of Vickie or the Serenanator. Maria 6-3 4-6 10-8.

I will take the win even if it wasn't pretty

I will take the win even if it wasn’t pretty

Vickie won her match in straight sets 6-1 6-4. Danish Biscuit (10) had an up and down match against American Christina McFail… I mean McHale. McHale got bagelled in the 1st set and then came back to take the 2nd 6-1. But I know McHale, I know that surge in energy was too good to be true. She was going to let me down in the 3rd and she did not disappoint. She lost the match 2-6 in the 3rd. McHale has been on the tour long enough now to be getting on better in these types of matches. She is acting too often like an amateur. I know she had “mono” recently but that is no excuse to be acting like a “dodo” on court. She you can do way better than this.

I thought someone got rid of this Foo!!

I thought someone got rid of this Foo!!

An interesting matchup took place between Camila Giorgi and Alize Cornet. Cornet won the match 6-4 4-6 6-4. However, she only hit SIX winners as Giorgi committed SEVENTY THREE unforced errors. The Italian gifted this match to the French. This is madness. Giorgi should be spanked around court. Cornet on the other hand will face Maria who I am sure will not spare the opportunity to punish those weak shots of Cornet. Watch out for a bagel/breadstick sets.

OMG I won! I won! I won a 2nd round match!!

OMG I won! I won! I won a 2nd round match!!

Other winners include Simona Halep (11) who shone brilliantly in the sun whilst her opponent Varvarne Lepchenko faded in the light. The American won the 1st set 6-4 but won only 1 game for the next 13. She couldn’t deal with the heat. Carlo Navarro-Suarez (16) came from behind 2-5 to take the match 8-6 in the 3rd v Galina Voskoboeva. Meanwhile, Elena Svitolina made good on her upset of Kuzi-Rex by taking out Aussie wildcard Olga Rogowska 6-4 7-5. Radwanska (5) is also through to the 3rd round as are Fivehead Jankovic (8) Dominika Cibulkova (20) and Anastasia Fattychunkova (29). All won in straight sets. Sloane Stephens (13) had a tougher time in her match. She was down a set 3-6 v Aija Tomljanovic but reeled off 7 straight games to take the 2nd 2-6 and being up 3-0 in the 3rd. However, the heavens open up and Stephens lost her way. The Croat took the next 5 games and served for the match 5-3. However, she lost her way at that point and dropped the next 4 games. Stephens won 3-6 6-2 7-5

WTF it is going to rain now?? The weather goddess is definitely menopausal

WTF it is going to rain now?? The weather goddess is definitely menopausal

On the men’s side of things, fewer matches have been completed at this point. Divadal got through his match rather quickly 6-2 6-4 6-2. Mr. Federer also got through in straight sets but he sorta took a scenic tour in the 3rd 6-2 6-1 7-6. Nishikori (16) and Monfils (25) also came through in straight sets.

Beetlejuice will do battle against Divadal in the 3rd round!!

Beetlejuice will do battle against Divadal in the 3rd round!!

Hotness .... Bellucci and Baby Ali... a delicious combo if there ever was one

Hotness …. Bellucci and Baby Ali… a delicious combo if there ever was one

Baby Ali (10) got past Thomaz Bellucci who can be a tough customer especially with this heat. Ali came through in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-4. I hope Bellucci gets his life together soon. He is HOT and he can play decent tennis. He deserves to at least be on the cusp of winning a major. Milos Raonic (11) aka Denis the Menace, Grigor Dimitrov (22) aka Mr. Sharapova former Mr. Serenanator also came through in straight sets as did FeFe Lopez (26). This top half is LOADED with talent. It is going to be “epic” matches to get through to the next round.

Donald Young...going cookoo for this Coco Puff

Donald Young…going cookoo for this Coco Puff

Hot matchup of the day is Donald Young v Andreas Seppi (24). So much hotness on the court… the temperature went up 20 degrees with these two on court together. Young took the 1st set 6-4 but dropped the 2nd 2-6. Seppi loves marathon matches but Young took the 3rd 6-3. However, Seppi was determined to get this to a 5th set at the least and he denied Young the chance to close it out in 4 by taking the 4th set 6-4. The heat rule went into effect. I was so mad at Young because he had this on his racquet and these kinda opportunities have been rare in his career. Nonetheless, upon return Young got his life together to take the 5th set 7-5 and thus the match. EXCELLENT on his part to make the 3rd round of another major.

Don't worry boo I got you

Don’t worry boo I got you

It must be noted that 2 lucky losers are through to the 3rd round here at the Oven… Stephane Robert of France and Martin Klizan of Slovakia. Congratulations dudes for not wasting your opportunities and make that paper as much as you can now!!

Currently going on is Chin Cilic struggling inexplicably against Gilles Simon. DelPo getting it together to close out the match in 4 sets.

Lochness Monster is ready to try and win another major

Lochness Monster is ready to try and win another major

Update: Lochness Monster pulled through is match 6-2 6-2 7-5… being down 1-5 in the 3rd he won 23 STRAIGHT POINTS. Gosh the French can be so annoying. Millot you couldn’t even win one more game. WTF?? Meanwhile, Chin Cilic and Simon are in a 5th set. Cilic got breadsticked in the 4th set.

See what happens when you pay some people compliments... I just said her outfit last time was nice... now look at this mess??

See what happens when you pay some people compliments… I just said her outfit last time was nice… now look at this mess??

So hot even my boobs are watering

So hot even my boobs are watering

Jesus all I want to be right now is that mist on Janowicz body...Yes Lord make me into a droplet of water... You turned water into wine. Surely you can turn man into mist. Let me run all the way down his chest and back to get his heaven....

Jesus all I want to be right now is that mist on Janowicz body…Yes Lord make me into a droplet of water… You turned water into wine. Surely you can turn man into mist. Let me run all the way down his chest and back to get his heaven….

Australian Open 2014: Day 2

In Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, Daniel Brands, Dominika Cibulkova, Donald Young, Feliciano Lopez, Fernando Verdasco, Francesca Schiavone, Gael Monfils, Gilles Simon, Grigor Dimitrov, Jelena Jankovic, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kaia Kanepi, Kei Nishikori, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Milos Raonic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Slaone Stephens, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tennis, Varvara Lepchenko, Victoria Azarenka on January 14, 2014 at 9:55 am
Really? You really cannot be that hot if you are wearing scuba gear outside. It must be your brain that is on fire

Really? You really cannot be that hot if you are wearing scuba gear outside. It must be your brain that is on fire

Well folks thus far we are definitely on track with the postings so I am indeed excited about this fact. However, I have to share a bit of misfortune for me. Now, everyone that knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with tennis. I am obsessed with tennis, opera and the Olympics…..yeah and also going to the gym (Only Goldilocks is checking for bears!) I always make it a point to mention my passion for the game of tennis as well as the fact that I have a blog. I always shamelessly try to get RealzTenisFanz out there as much as possible. So imagine my surprise when I am talking to a co-worker recently about the fact that I love tennis. She expressed her genuine shock at the fact that I love tennis for she is friends with a member of Djoker Harlequeen camp. She use to be a former supermodel working with the likes of Claudia Schiffer etc….She was big though not huge in the supermodel sense. She is a good-looking woman and her model shots are AMAZING but I digress. It gets better people… She added “You should have told me because he is always offering me tickets to the US Open! You should have told me because I would have given you the tickets! He is always offering me but I never go”

untitled

To say I was flabbergasted is not even the word. WTF? WTFF? WTMFFF?? Is she mad? Is she INSANO! How could she not know? I mean seriously, HOW?? I had to walk away because Satan was whispering evil violent things in my ears and I was ever so inclined to obey. I could not deal because for me, this was no excuse. I could not believe I was so close to being in the players’ box to wear my RealzTenisFanz T-shirt, be on TV, get publicity for this prestigious publication and be famous. I could have even been the lucky charm that Djoker Harlequeen needed to deal with Divadal on that day of the finals. And I missed all of that because of her ignorance. Can you believe the madness of the world? UTTER MADNESS! Needless to say, she was on my shit list all day long. However, come 2014, you know Realz is cashing in on this hook up!!!

Anyway, let us get to Aussie Open action. Wait, I forgot…well I was not that I forgot but it seems as though I missed this news altogether. My former model friend informed me of this. Djoker Harlequeen hired Boris Becker as his coach! Oh my berries, things are getting serious. I mean I figured that things would have to change up with Djoker as for the past 2 years, he has missed some key opportunities in at majors namely, French 2012/2013, Wimbledon 2013, US Open 2012/2013. I mean he has been a mess in big tournaments. However, I always felt that it was his faults not a coaching failure but what do I know. So he takes on a famous former big name player in his coaching corner. Marian Vajda will be taking a backseat and travel with Djoker to limited tournament. Apparently, he was influential in picking Becker as his replacement. Meanwhile, Mr. Federer hired Stefan Edberg to be in his box. We all know that Lochness Monster Murray has Ivan Lendl to help with matters. While all these former glories are trying to light up the paths for current players, Divadal has tired ole cheating Toni Nadal who I do not even think was a professional player himself but yet is kicking all these asses royally. “Isn’t this ironic?” (Alanis Morissette) There is a saying I like saying that I believe that I have coined myself; A good Mathematician isn’t necessarily a good Math teacher.”

Yeah I do not know how effective I can be but I know I would see my name more often in the papers.

Yeah I do not know how effective I can be but I know I would see my name more often in the papers. (Boris Becker, Djoker’s new coach 6 majors)

Mr. Federer and his new coach Stefan Edberg (6 majors)

Mr. Federer and his new coach Stefan Edberg (6 majors)

Lochness Monster and Ivan Lendl (8 majors)

Lochness Monster and Ivan Lendl (8 majors)

Divadal and Uncle Toni (0 majors) Just beat those bitches with their major title.

Divadal and Uncle Toni (0 majors) Just beat those bitches with their major titles

Let’s get to the results:

So the day was HOT! It was SCORCHING!! Melbourne was on fire. It was approaching near record temperatures on the grounds. I think this girl below does a way better job of expressing the heat conditions than I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8lXYWXJfHQ

Anyway, Vickie (2) was not having it at all. She looked lethargic, bothered and bloated. I do not know if it is just me but she looks out of shape. However, she is getting the job done when needs be. She took out her opponent in straight sets though it was far from a routine victory 7-6 6-2.

I cannot deal with this heat

I cannot deal with this heat

On the other hand, Caroline Wozniacki (10) aka Danish Biscuit, wasted no time on court as she ousted her opponent 6-0 6-2. Simone Halep (11) also trashed her opponent 6-0 6-1. Dominika Cibulkova (20) took out former French Open winner Francesca Schiavone in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Francesco has been hitting tough times lately and might soon be playing qualies to be getting into tournaments. Maria Shriekapova playing the last match of the day took out Bethanie Mattek-Sands in straight sets though it was a messy affair 6-3 6-4.

Danish Biscuit was baking

Danish Biscuit was baking

Other straight sets winners include Slaone Stephens (13), Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic (8), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) over American Vania King, Anastasia Fattychunkova (29) and Bojana Jovanovski (33). Bratzwanska (5) made it through in 3 sets as did American Varvara Lepchenko. She will join fellow American Christina McHale in the 2nd round.

Was she endorsed by Bic Higlighters or the Las Vegas strip? She is just bright!!

Was Sloane endorsed by Bic Higlighters or the Las Vegas strip? She is just bright even for her own eyes!!

There were no major upsets though some seeded players fell by the way. Kuzi Rex (19) lost in straight sets to Ukrainian Elena Svitolina 3-6 3-6, Sorana Cirstea (21) also lost in straights as Kaia Kanepi (24) got bounced in 3 sets.

Interesting ladies match up for Day 3 Sam Stosur (17) v Tsevtana Pironkova (night session), Sabine Lisicki (15) v Monica Niculescu. Be prepared for pending upsets here. The Serenanator and LiNaLi will also take the court. It is suppose to be another scorching day tomorrow so be prepared for retirements, medical timeouts and possible fainting.

Keeping it chill!

Keeping it chill!

On the Men’s side, Mr. Federer opened his campaign for a 5th Aussie Open title. Maybe it was the heat but I am not liking for Mr. Federer is looking these days. I know Mr. Federer is 32 and that he is not the Mr. Federer of 2005-2009. However, Mr. Federer is playing erratic/senile tennis. Those balls are landing very short in the court. At times there were flashes of brilliance but other times it was just banality of the highest order. Maybe I am being far too harsh as this is my main how. The thing is it that Mr. Federer is struggling against players of no mettle, merit or might. James Duckworth was giving Mr. Federer a run for his money. The Aussie was playing rather well within himself and it was mere luck and happenstance why he did not manage to pickpocket a set from the Swiss. At the very key moments of the match, Duckworth started to play Fuckworth tennis and Mr. Federer just seized his chance. It was not pretty but it passed and Mr. Federer is through to the 2nd round 6-4 6-4 6-2.

I got through the day!! Mr. Federer what's with the pants pattern? They fit nicely though

I got through the day!! Mr. Federer what’s with the pants pattern? They fit nicely though

I don't need to say this but Mr. Federer is sitting all hung. No wonder Mirka is pregnant again. Fed be laying it down

 Mr. Federer is sitting all hung packing his balls in more than his bag. No wonder Mirka is pregnant again. Fed be laying it down

In other news, Duckworth was not the only Aussie man to be sent packing as this major is near douche free when Hewitt and Tomic were ousted in the 1st round. I could not be more ecstatic. Tampomic retired after the 1st set against Divadal (1) with a “groin injury” I want to say something nasty about this matter but it is far too vile even for Realz to repeat. It does not matter to Divadal, he is through to the 2nd round and on his way to his 2nd Aussie Open title.

Yeah I am feeling more douchey than usual. Of course I am going to retire, why waste my time out here. I can be home in time to watch Maria's match.

Yeah I am feeling more douchey than usual. Of course I am going to retire, why waste my time out here. I can be home in time to watch Maria’s match.

However, this was not the best result, Rusty Hewitt lost his match in 5 sets. You know how he loves the heroics and to be screaming Come ONs all over the place. He clashed up against Andreas Seppi (24) my sweet sweet Italian sausage and dropped the first 2 sets 6-7 3-6. It is at this moment when Hewitt often shines and he did not disappoint taking the next two sets 7-5 7-5 and he did so at the latter stages of those sets as both times, Seppi failed to hold serve to go to a tiebreaker. So in 5th set, Seppi returned the favour by breaking Hewitt in the 12th game to take the set and the match. G’day Mate!!! Yes.

Baby Ali is looking ruff and tuff with his Afro puff

Baby Ali is looking ruff and tuff with his Afro puff

Baby Ali (10) went through in straight sets as did Lochness Monster (4) Feliciano FeFe Lopez (26) and Monfils aka Beetlejuice (25). Del Potro Beast Boy (5) won in 4 sets. This is why Del Potro finds difficulty winning another major. He is in the early stages of matches, monkeying around and wasting energy. Why is he in a 4 set battle against Rhyne Williams? Who is Rhyne Williams? Other 4 set winners include Fernando Tabasco Verdasco (31), Milos Raonic (11) and Grigor Dimitrov (22) who is now working with Roger Rasheed former coach of Monfils. I am excited by this news. I hope Grigor produces better results this year. He has a lot of potential. Kei Nishikori (16) is another one of those players who is not efficient at majors. He won a 5 set battle to move through to the 2nd round. Meanwhile, Gilles Simon (18) beat my boo Danny Brands 16-14 in the 5th set to move through to the next round. Young Americans Donald Young and Jock Sock also move through to the 2nd round. Meanwhile, fellow American John Isner had to retire after 2 sets with an aggravated ankle injury.

Nice to see Donald Young winning a major match

Nice to see Donald Young winning a major match

Radek Stepanek aka Shark Boy retired in the 4th set after winning the first 2. I guess he is protecting his body as he has doubles to play. He is the defending US Open doubles champ. Smart man about the money.

Interesting matchups tomorrow for the men.. Sam Querry v Ernst Gulbis and Nikolay Davydenko v Richard Gasquet (9). I looked at the schedule and saw that Matthew Ebden (Aus) will play 28th seed Vasek Pospisil (Can) is in the 2nd match for the night session at the Rod Laver Arena. Ebden is currently ranked 67 in the world. Are they fcuking kidding me? What kinda a bullshit is this? This is like the warmup act closing the show and the main event came on only for sound check. Australian Open better check their nationalism madness at the door. Not even at the US Open will I see a Jock Sock or Donald Young night match UNLESS they are playing one of the big boys! Ain’t nobody have time for this.

Hope you enjoy!!! AND SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT REALZ TENIS FANZ!!

PICTURE SHOW: Treasure Chests!!

Divadal is giving that camera man in the back some action

Divadal is giving that camera man in the back some action

Berdych showing us his pecs

Berdych showing us his pecs

Alejandro Gonzalez of Colombia getting in on the action

Alejandro Gonzalez of Colombia getting in on the action

Kei Nishikori

Kei Nishikori

Fognini

Fognini

Oh Fogging Fognini

Oh Fogging Fognini

Boo can I do that for you??

Boo can I do that for you??

But tennis players have nothing on these guys..

Cullen Jones... I want to be a water droplet right now

Cullen Jones… I want to be a water droplet right now

Ryan Reynolds...Blade Trinity... that's all I got to say...

Ryan Reynolds…Blade Trinity… that’s all I got to say…

 

US Open 2013: Day 6

In Alize Cornet, Ana Ivanovic, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, Daniel Evans, David Ferrer, Feliciano Lopez, Janko Tipsarevic, John Isner, Kaia Kanepi, Maria Kirilenko, Mikhail Kukushkin, Milos Raonic, Petra Kvitova, Philipp Kohlschreiber, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roger Federer, US Open, Victoria Azarenka on September 6, 2013 at 7:24 am
Adios Kirilenko..Just one of the string of upset defeats

Adios Kirilenko..Just one of the string of upset defeats

Day 6 at the Open was a bit of a shocker in some respect. A lot of the top ladies found themselves in some serious trouble. Several of the top seeds were bounced out of the tournament like some gypsy ball (I wonder if any of the Realz Fanz will know what a gypsy ball is). Alize Cornet, that unpredictable Frenchwoman almost gave Vickie a run for her money. Cornet took the 1st set but then showed her true self on court losing quite easily in the next two. However, this was the 1st time Vickie has come close to dropping a set in the tournament. She is a fighter though and very very feisty on court.

Though I love me some Kuzi this outfit has got to go!!

Though I love me some Kuzi this outfit has got to go!!

However, it was not Vickie’s near miss that was the shocker but the relative easy by which Maria Kirilenko, Svetlana Kuznetsova and Petra Kvitova were disposed of in the 3rd round of a major. I mean Kuzi showed herself much better than Maria and Petra but still Kuzi, a former champ here back in 2004 should not have been downed by the likes of Flavia Pennetta 5-7 1-6. Kuzi almost snatched away the French Open title from the Serenanator in the May and here she is acting like some newcomer to the tour. Nonetheless, very good on Flavia for bagging this win. She has done well here at the Open in the past and is looking to continue this success. Maria and Petra on the other hand, I do not even know what to say. Between the two of them, they won a combined ZERO sets and only 4 games. They both enjoyed a final set bagel. Simona Halep of Romania who has been having a fabulous summer this year, just simply dismantled the Russian; a breadstick and a bagel 6-1 6-0. Why is Kirilenko getting such a trashing from Halep, I do not know.

Simona Halep of Romania is looking to make a name for herself on tour

Simona Halep of Romania is looking to make a name for herself on tour

As for Petra, she won 3 games against Allison Riske who is looking to make a name for herself at this year’s open 6-3 6-0. Petra spoke of not being well. I do not know Petra, it seems like you making your own life difficult. And unfortunately, I have to report, the rumours of her and Radek Stepanek being an item is no rumour; they have been confirmed. How many more brilliant female players do Radek Stepanek has to ruin before something is done about this social pariah. I mean, I am not one to get all Christian conservative but he is a married man. Nicole Vaidisova, you best come get your man because you throw away your career for this beast, do not let another brilliant talent go the same route.

Petra and this belly of hers. Maybe we should call her a Petra-belly Pig....That's not right! I am not right...just foul I am

Petra and this belly of hers. Maybe we should call her a Petra-belly Pig….That’s not right! I am not right…just foul I am

Camila Giorgi crushed the Danish Biscuit

Camila Giorgi crushed the Danish Biscuit

In other news Caroline Wozniacki also got bounced but this is really no surprise other than the fact than an unheralded Italian Camilla Giorgi pounded her to the ground. From the jump, Giorgi was all over Woziniacki’s patty cake shots and only by the skin of her teeth was Woz able to bag the 1st set. She was messy as always. It goes without saying that Wozniacki is not up to par with the challenges of really being a top tier player. She has talent but she has no gifts. There is not one element of her game that her opponents fear. She is non-factor for the most part. She is not even intimidating in her on court manner particularly looking at her ridiculous kit compliments La Stella McCartney.  Anyway, Giorgi smelled the opportunity to get the upset and took it. She knocked Caro out in three sets 4-6 6-4 6-3 and everyone who saw this match knew that Caro was soundly beaten.

Goodbye to Woz and this awful dress

Goodbye to Woz and this awful dress

I should mention that Roberta Vinci and Daniela Hantuchova won their matches also though Daniela made a mess of it against an Israeli player I have never heard of before.

6 C. Wozniacki 6 4 3
C. Giorgi 4 6 6
10 R. Vinci 6 6  
K. Knapp 4 3
2 V. Azarenka 6 6 6
26 A. Cornet 7 3 2
J. Glushko 6 5 6
D. Hantuchova 3 7 7
14 M. Kirilenko 1 0
21 S. Halep 6 6  
13 A. Ivanovic 4 7 6
C. McHale 6 5 4
27 S. Kuznetsova 5 1
F. Pennetta 7 6
7 P. Kvitova 3 0
A. Riske 6 6  

On the men’s side, the usual suspects were in fine form. Mr. Federer and Divadal are likely heading for their umpteenth encounter on tour though surprisingly, they have never met at the US Open. Mr. Federer dismantled the cutie Frenchman Adrian Mannarino whereas Divadal took apart Ivan Dodig also in straight sets.

Mr. Federer is looking supreme right about now... the calm before the storm I suspect

Mr. Federer is looking supreme right about now… the calm before the storm I suspect

Tommy Robredo halted the hot young Briton Daniel Evans in his tracks. Robredo, 31, who is enjoying perhaps the best season of his career put paid on Evans’ remarkable run here in NYC. Evans had two set points to take the match to a decisive 5th set. However, his inexperience got in the way and Robredo set himself up for his 11th meeting with Mr. Federer. Hopefully he has a better time on his 11th meeting. He has yet to win a match and has only won 3-24 sets if I am not mistaken on this stat. Mr. Federer looks ready to end this year on a decent note at the majors and Robredo

Robredo happy to be finding his good tennis again especially at majors

Robredo happy to be finding his good tennis again especially at majors

Robredo joins his fellow Spaniard David Ferrer who had a tough match up with Mikhail Kukushkin but coming through in 4 set. Their compatriot FeFe Lopez lost to Milos Raonic of Canada. It is time that Raonic start making some noise at majors. Americans did not fare so well last night John Isner, the highest ranked American was bounced by Philipp Kohlschreiber and Jock Sock got bagged by Janko Tipsarevic. I am not a fan of Janko but good on him to be making some noise at a major. He has had a most dismal year. I do not think he had any good runs for the year. I think the lone American man on deck is Tim Smyczek who I doubt will go further than he has already. The press is all complaining about the poor showing of the Americans. Mind you American men have failed to get past the 4th round this year at any of the majors and they expect them to pull off something special here. Meanwhile, Richard Gasquet is through to the 4th round when Dmitri Tursunov retired in the 4th set.

2 R. Nadal 6 6 6
I. Dodig 4 3 3
7 R. Federer 6 6 6  
A. Mannarino 3 0 3
13 J. Isner 4 6 5 6
22 P. Kohlschreiber 6 3 7 7
19 T. Robredo 7 6 4 7  
D. Evans 6 1 6 5
M. Kukushkin 4 3 6 4
4 D. Ferrer 6 6 4 6  
J. Sock 6 6 1 2
18 J. Tipsarevic 3 7 6 6  
23 F. Lopez 7 4 3 4
10 M. Raonic 6 6 6 6  
8 R. Gasquet 6 2 6 4  
32 D. Tursunov (Ret) 3 6 4 2
Guess who this is?? You might have to defend yourself

Guess who this is?? You might have to defend yourself

Hide your purses!

Hide your purses!

Her neck is very stiff

Her neck is very stiff

Talk about a flat stomach..

Talk about a flat stomach..

Though he is a douche, he definitely has a nice body. Give me some liquor and I would be all over it... I will feign gaynesia in the morning

Though he is a douche, he definitely has a nice body. Give me some liquor and I would be all over it… I will feign gaynesia in the morning

FeFe Lopez giving us the Spanish Scruff and Me le gusto

FeFe Lopez giving us the Spanish Scruff and Me le gusto

Mannarino... my dar is definitely pinging here

Mannarino… my dar is definitely pinging here

Hmmm Let me think about it... I am gonna have agree with you

Hmmm Let me think about it… I am gonna have agree with you

Carlo is being so nice to the kiddies... Be careful, she bites

Carlo is being so nice to the kiddies… Be careful, she bites

I do not even know where to begin with these shirts but needless to say

I do not even know where to begin with these shirts but needless to say

WTF? Daniel Evans is wearing a microbra?? What the hell is going on here peeps? Help Realz understand what's really the deal here

WTF? My boo Daniel Evans is wearing a microbra?? What the hell is going on here peeps? Help Realz understand what’s really the deal here