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Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part II: The Ladies

In Agnes Radwanska, Alize Cornet, Ana Ivanovic, Andrea Petkovic, Angelique Kerber, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, Dominika Cibulkova, Francesca Schiavone, Jelena Jankovic, Li Na, Maria Kirilenko, Maria Sharapova, Marion Bartoli, Na Li, Petra Kvitova, Sabine Lisicki, Sam Stosur, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Slaone Stephens, Tennis, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka, Wimbledon on June 22, 2014 at 4:19 pm

Championships+Wimbledon+2014+Previews+Q_kChEUlmscl

So the ladies are set for the major of all the majors, Wimbledon. Very few ladies enjoy this tournament because this is the place where “pushing” and “looping” the ball around do not count. Those pushers and loopers die early out there. You have to have some power in your arsenal as well as deadly kill shots if you intend to do well. Even if you sneak into the final, your opponent will just crush you for days. Ask Vera Zvonavera (2010) and Bratzwanska (2012).  Therefore look for the “big girls” to do well; Serenanator, Shriekapova, Ebony Starr (one is hoping and praying), Losicki, Grand High Witch Kvitova etc etc. They are the ones who if they keep their head cool and their game tight, will be the ones in the final. Anyway, I do not have much to say about the ladies because they haven’t done much of consequence lately.

Last year's finalists Bartoli and Losicki

Last year’s finalists Bartoli and Losicki

Just like the men, the draw of 128 has been broken down into the Top Half (Serenanator and Halep) and the Bottom Half (LiNaLi and Bratzwanska). Each half was then further broken down into Quarters. Again, I am not going to make any real predictions but give a likely scenario and speak of possible interesting matchups. We need not make a fool of ourselves by speaking of prediction because we saw how that turned out last time at the French. I mean seriously, Serenanator lost to Muguruza in the 2nd round. Venus losing to some Schmediova. Really gurl? Really? By the end of the first week, nearly the entire top 10 was out of the competition. You do not even need to ask but you know I was not handling this Shriekapova victory well at all. I couldn’t deal!

No Bueno

Anyway, the lead up tournaments to Wimbledon were all won by unlikely candidates; Ivanovic the Terrible got her life together and brought Ana to the court to win her first grass court title in Birmingham, Coco Vandeweghe…yeah that Coco Vandeweghe won ‘s-Hertogenbosch which is in Holland I think if I am not mistaken and another American Madison Keys won Eastbourne. These winners are not known for their grass court prowess but it will be interesting to see what happens to them at Wimbledon. Speaking of Wimbledon, unlike for the men, the committee decided not to touch the women’s seedings. The top 32 ranked players were seeded as such. They didn’t even move up Shriekapova (5) or Ebony Starr (30). I mean if you are going to bump up the likes of Andreas Seppi from 34th in the world to 25th seed Tabasco Verdasco from 23rd to 18th seed and Jerzy Janowicz from 24th to the 15th seed then demote Stan W who is 3rd in the world to 5th seed and put World’s number one Divadal who won only a single match in 2 years at Wimbledon as the number 2 seed, you might as well apply some of this inane logic to the ladies. I am just saying that Cibulkova doesn’t deserve to be 10th seed and who are we kidding with LiNaLi being the number 2 seed and D’Stove Stosur as the 17th seed. Anyway, I digress..

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Serenanator [1] v Shriekapova [5]

So the Serenanator has been having issues at the majors. She has been a mess as of late by her own standards. However, Wimbledon is her favourite place to play and she is looking for her 6th Wimbledon crown. If she is set her year right, Wimbledon is definitely the place to begin. She has a somewhat tough draw, possibly facing fellow American Christina McHale aka McFail in the 2nd round, then in the 3rd round Alize Cornet aka Cornemort (23) who beat her in Dubai semifinal this year and a very hot Genie Bouchard (13) in the Round of 16. Then on top of all of that, she can face Shriekapova (5) in the quarterfinals which would the 10th anniversary of their meeting in the 2004 final when Shriekapova simply crushed the Serenanator. Ironically, it has been nearly 10 years since Shriekapova last beat the Serenanatnor. Andreas Petkovic (20) is also in this section of the draw as a possible 3rd round opponent for the American.

As of late S in Serenanator has come to mean, S for Struggle

As of late S in Serenanator has come to mean, S for Struggle

Things are not so easy for reigning French Open champion Shriekapova either. She not only have to factor in that if she wants to win Wimbledon she will need to solve her Serenanator problem in the quarterfinals but first there is also Anastasia Pavlychenkova (26) aka Fattychunkova or Camila Giorgi in the 3rd round and Carebear Kerber (9) in the Round of 16. Now these ladies, Fattychunkova, Giorgi and Kerber aren’t really worthy opponents for Shriekapova but they have shown in the past that they can beat her and they will be looking for win here if for nothing else but to shut her up. She has really grown quite full of herself as of late. Shriekapova will be looking for the French Open/Wimbledon double which has not been done on the ladies side since the Serenanator in 2002.

Shriekapova getting that practice in

Shriekapova getting that practice in

Quarter 2: Halep [3] v Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic [7]

The 2014 French Open finalist, Halep (3) should have an easy enough time getting to the Round of 16 which she would possibly face the winner of the Ivanovic the Terrible (11) or Sabine Losicki (19) 3rd round match. Ivanovic the Terrible will have to get past Francesco Schiabone in the 1st round. Fivehead Jankovic (7) might be facing Halep in the quarters but there is Yaroslava Shvedova lurking in the 2nd round. There is an interesting 1st round matchup of Madison Keys v Monica Puig. This is worth watching. This section is about as easy a section as one can be. So watch out for a breakthrough star/unknown to come out of this region.

Halep trying to win her 1st major

Halep trying to win her 1st major

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Bratzwanska [4] v Vickie [8]

I am so happy that Vickie is back on the tour. She is a delight to watch and I know she would spare me from some of the silliness I have seen on the tour during her absence. I am happy that she is back. She lost in her first round encounter in Eastbourne last week but I am sure she will get better at this tournament. Last year she had to pull out in the 2nd round I think due to injury but in 2012 she made the semis and also won an Olympic bronze medal. So she can play on the stuff. She is an unpredictable factor in this section of the draw. She also has to with Garbine Muguruza (27) or Coco Vandeweghe in the 3rd round and the winner of the 3rd round matchup of Cibuttkova (10) and Lucie Safarova (23) aka Lady Gollum in the Round of 16.

Vickie is eager to get back on the court of another major

Vickie is eager to get back on the court of another major

Bratzwanska (4) did not have the French Open that she would have preferred. She didn’t even make it past the 3rd round if I am not mistaken. She has to deal with Kuzi-Rex (28) in the 3rd round. Tsvetana Pironkova and Varvarne Lepchenko who play each other in the 1st round could be a possible 4th round opponent. There is also Sara Errani (14) in this section of the draw. Alien v Predator (Errani) has to get past France’s Caroline Garcia.

Quarter 4: LiNaLi (2) v GHW Kvitova (6)

GHW showing off her magic works

GHW showing off her magic works

2011 Champion Kvitova (6) is looking to recapture the magic here. She has been a sorta no-show for most tournaments since that historic win several years ago. She also found herself in scandal when she recently started dating Shark Boy Radek Stapenek. However, she dumped the ugly troll recently and might be more focused on her tennis. Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams (30) is in this section of the draw and could face Kvitova in the 3rd round. Seriously, Venus is capable of getting to the finals. HONESTLY she can do this. However, we are talking about Venus here and relying on her to do good things is like quitting your job and banking on winning the lottery to support yourself. #foolish #uttermadness. Nonetheless, on a personal note, I feel this is my best option right now in life since I am unemployed. So do not count Venus out. Slowe Stephens (18) who has shown a propensity to play well at majors is also in this section of the draw. However, she has Maria Krazilenko in the 1st round. This might be a tough draw for the American especially since Krazilenko, 2012 quarterfinalist, can really play on this stuff.

This is Venus's look for this year's Wimbledon... I am a mehh for this one. Not the best but certainly not the worst

This is Venus’s look for this year’s Wimbledon… I am a mehh for this one. Not the best but certainly not the worst

The sisters are playing doubles this year

The sisters are playing doubles this year

LiNaLi should make the quarters; emphasis on SHOULD. This section is not loaded as other sections. There are Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16) and Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) lurking about in these parts. Neither player has shown herself to be competent on grass. Albeit that LiNaLi isn’t known for her fine play on grass. However, Danish Biscuit and D’Stove have “somewhat tough” opening round matches. Danish Biscuit plays Shahar Peer and D’Stove plays Yanina Wickmayer.

LiNaLi is trying to create some energy behind her name here at Wimbledon. She has basically flatlined since Melbourne

LiNaLi is trying to create some energy behind her name here at Wimbledon. She has basically flatlined since Melbourne

Can someone tell me why Judy Murray is outside in pjs.

Can someone tell me why Judy Murray is outside in pjs.

This concludes the ladies’ draw. Now who do you think will emerge as champion and why? Comment below!

I know many of you might not think the Preview’s are Realz’s usual realzness. However, there is a Part III looking at the WTA cocktail event. Be sure to tune in.

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Australian Open 2014: Day 6

In Agnes Radwanska, Alize Cornet, Andy Murray, Australian Open, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Dominika Cibulkova, Donald Young, Feliciano Lopez, Gael Monfils, Gilles Simon, Grigor Dimitrov, Jelena Jankovic, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Kei Nishikori, Maria Sharapova, Milos Raonic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Slaone Stephens, Victoria Azarenka on January 18, 2014 at 8:23 am

Hey Fanz,

Today is going to be a very quick rundown of the score because of time constraints.

Maria is playing herself into major shape at this tournament

Maria is playing herself into major shape at this tournament

Maria Shriekapova (3) took out Alize Cornet (25) who I swear has to be a horcrux of some sorts of Lord Voldemort because she looks a lot like Ralph Fiennes in the Harry Potter Awful movie series. And also Cornet plays like death half the time. Maria raced out to a 4-0 lead before Cornet tried to staunch the bleeding by breaking Maria to only be down 1-4. However, being the witch that she is, we know this break was only an illusion. No way was she going to stage a real comeback in this set. And of course, Cornet gets broken again and Maria served it out to give her the breadstick 6-1. In the 2nd set, Cornet looked more equipped for the challenge and even had set points on multiple occasions but Maria being Maria did not allow Cornet to have it all her way. Maria took it in the breaker 8-6 points and advances to the Round of 16 6-1 7-6.

YES... I am through to the 4th round on my way to a 3rd title

YES… I am through to the 4th round on my way to a 3rd title

Maria and Vickie (2) look on course to meet in the semis as the Belarusian just totally dominated Yvonne Meusburger 6-1 6-0. I am happy that Meusburger got to this stage and not Bojana Jovanovski because I am sure it would have been a double bagel if the Serb had got out of the 2nd round.

Simona Halep (11) took out her opponent quite easily though the 2nd set was a bit more problematic than the 1st 6-1 6-4 over Zarina Diyas of Kazakhstan if I am not mistaken. It seemed as though the early ladies matches were all held at Olive Garden because breadsticks were in abundance. Dominika Cibulkova (20) just totally dismantled Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) 6-1 6-0. I was really surprised by this result because I thought Spaniard would have put up a bit more fight on court. However, the Australian heat has never been kinda to this el nino so I guess that explains this bitter result.

Fivehead JungleWitch

Fivehead JungleWitch

8th seed Fivehead Jankovic took out yet another Japanese player in straight sets 6-4 7-5. Meanwhile, Bratzwanska (5) survived the charge of Anatasia Fattychunkova (29) who was sizzling in the heat and not in the good way. Pavlyunchenkova took the 1st set 7-5 having been behind for most of it but this effort seemed to have taken its toll on her as she meekly went down 2-6 2-6 in the next two sets. Sloane Stephens (13) also came through for her 2nd consecutive Aussie Open Round of 16 as she got past Elina Svitolina who was playing some decent tennis worthy of an upset. However, the American proved to be the steadier of the two 7-5 6-4.

In her 2nd consecutive appearance in the 2nd week of the Aussie Open

In her 2nd consecutive appearance in the 2nd week of the Aussie Open

And speaking of upset, Wozniacki (10) got dumped out of yet another major in the 1st week of competition. This is her 8th consecutive major failing to reach the 2nd week. She took the 1st set against Spain’s Garbine Muguruza Blanco 6-4 but Muguruza smelt that this was a winnable match and increased the pressure on the Dane. Her efforts were rewarded as she took the match 4-6 7-5 6-3. Danish Biscuit really needs to increase the weights of her groundstrokes otherwise, she will be easy pickings for the rest of the field.

The Danish Biscuit crumbles yet again in the early stages of a major

The Danish Biscuit crumbles yet again in the early stages of a major

On the men’s side, Divadal (1) needed little effort to dispatch of Beetlejuice. As a matter of fact, Divadal took the educational route by taking Beetlejuice to Sesame Street to learn his numbers for he was schooled on court. Divadal took the match 6-1 6-2 6-3. Beetlejuice I hope you can find your way back from Sesame Street and hopefully you pick up some effective action plans and discipline along the way.

Let's count... 1 ball for me, 3 sets for me and no more bullshite from you!!

Let’s count… 1 ball for me, 3 sets for me and no more bullshite from you!!

Yes I get it....

Yes I get it….

Lochness Monster (3) has got himself a pigeon in the form of FeFe Lopez (26). Lochness Murray just proved to be more resourceful and more consistent on the court and thus took the match in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-2. I feel that Lopez is a top ten player but again like Beetlejuice, I am not sure he has the discipline and commitment to put in the work. Anyway, looking like that, I really do not think he is mostly concerned about his tennis balls.

I am just hot..what more can I say

I am just hot..what more can I say

I might be ugly but I am sure playing pretty tennis right now

I might be ugly but I am sure playing pretty tennis right now

Mr. Federer (6) also won in straight sets 6-2 6-2 6-3 over Gabashvilli. I really like what I saw in the match. However, things are going to get considerably difficult from here on end as he is set to face Baby Ali Tsonga (10) in the next round as the Frenchman dismissed his countryman Gilles Simon (18) also in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-2.

Tough road ahead for me

Tough road ahead for me

YESSS I get Mr. Federer in the 4th round...

YESSS I get Mr. Federer in the 4th round…

If Mr. Federer is to get through this match, he will surely face Lochness Monster in the quarterfinals as Nessie has a “Lucky Loser” as his Round of 16 opponent. Stéphane Robert who failed to qualify for the main draw got in as Philipp Kohlschreiber pulled out of the tournament, faced another LL Martin Klizan who got in when Nicolas Almagro pulled out as well. However, when these two fortunate souls faced each other for a place in the next round, it was Robert who proved to be luckier. He played safe, smart and at times very brilliant tennis to take the match 6-0 7-6 6-4. This is a wonderful opportunity for the Frenchman who at 33 is in his 1st major Round of 16 albeit that his luck is about to run out against Murray.

I bet you any money he is listening to Beyonce's new album

I bet you any money he is listening to Beyonce’s new album

Kei Nishikori was all samuri like against Young...

Kei Nishikori was all samuri like against Young…

The other three men’s matches featured a bunch of young up and coming players…well mostly players who have been labeled as potential future superstars of the game. So far though, not much have materialized from any of them but one can hardly blame them as this era in tennis is a very very difficult one to make huge impact on the court. Milos Raonic (11) aka Dennis the Menace was just dismal against Grigor Dimitrov (22) aka Mr. Sharapova to you. Raonic is relying on his big serve far too often which is simply a one trick pony move. Dimitrov on the other hand has far more variety to his game and so far this tournament has been showing steady improvement under the new tutelage of Roger Rasheed. Dimitrov took the match 6-3 3-6 6-4 7-6.

Grigor

Grigor

Dimitrov... because sometimes, you're just that hot and get more than one pic

Dimitrov… because sometimes, you’re just that hot and get more than one pic

My what big mouth you have.... all the better to ---- you ...:-)

My what big mouth you have…. all the better to —- you …:-)

This match interestingly enough proved to be the only 3rd round match in the top half where the winner did not win in straight sets. The other two matchups were basically blow outs. Kei Nishikori (16) just utterly destroyed Donald Young on court 7-5 6-1 6-0. Young really needs to get new coaches or at the very least some assistance in the coaching department. His parents have taken him as far as they can. If he really wants to be in the top 20 and I honestly think he has potential to do so, his parents have shown that they are not capable of taking him there. In the final match, Roberto Bautista Agut also dismantled Benoit Paire (27) 6-2 6-1 6-4. I expected a greater effort from the Frenchman but I guess he was drained after his 5th set encounter with Nick Kyrgios in the 2nd round.

Time for a drink...

Time for a drink…

Anyway, this is what draw has shaped up to be in the Men’s top half and the Women’s bottom half for the Round of 16 matchups

Divadal (1) takes on Kei Nishikori (16)
Mr. Sharapova (22) v Bautista Agut
Lochness Monster (4) v Robert (LL)
Mr. Federer (6) v Baby Ali (10) (Interesting)

Vickie (2) v Stephens (13)
Bratzwanska (5) v Muguruza Blanco
Maria (3) v Cibulkova (20)
Fivehead JungleWitch(8) v Halep (11)

 

I don't know what is going on here but something tells me that it is no good...

I don’t know what is going on here but something tells me that it is no good…

 

The Federer girls...waiting for daddy... so sweet...

The Federer girls…waiting for daddy… so sweet…

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 2

In Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, Daniel Brands, Dominika Cibulkova, Donald Young, Feliciano Lopez, Fernando Verdasco, Francesca Schiavone, Gael Monfils, Gilles Simon, Grigor Dimitrov, Jelena Jankovic, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kaia Kanepi, Kei Nishikori, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Milos Raonic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Slaone Stephens, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tennis, Varvara Lepchenko, Victoria Azarenka on January 14, 2014 at 9:55 am
Really? You really cannot be that hot if you are wearing scuba gear outside. It must be your brain that is on fire

Really? You really cannot be that hot if you are wearing scuba gear outside. It must be your brain that is on fire

Well folks thus far we are definitely on track with the postings so I am indeed excited about this fact. However, I have to share a bit of misfortune for me. Now, everyone that knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with tennis. I am obsessed with tennis, opera and the Olympics…..yeah and also going to the gym (Only Goldilocks is checking for bears!) I always make it a point to mention my passion for the game of tennis as well as the fact that I have a blog. I always shamelessly try to get RealzTenisFanz out there as much as possible. So imagine my surprise when I am talking to a co-worker recently about the fact that I love tennis. She expressed her genuine shock at the fact that I love tennis for she is friends with a member of Djoker Harlequeen camp. She use to be a former supermodel working with the likes of Claudia Schiffer etc….She was big though not huge in the supermodel sense. She is a good-looking woman and her model shots are AMAZING but I digress. It gets better people… She added “You should have told me because he is always offering me tickets to the US Open! You should have told me because I would have given you the tickets! He is always offering me but I never go”

untitled

To say I was flabbergasted is not even the word. WTF? WTFF? WTMFFF?? Is she mad? Is she INSANO! How could she not know? I mean seriously, HOW?? I had to walk away because Satan was whispering evil violent things in my ears and I was ever so inclined to obey. I could not deal because for me, this was no excuse. I could not believe I was so close to being in the players’ box to wear my RealzTenisFanz T-shirt, be on TV, get publicity for this prestigious publication and be famous. I could have even been the lucky charm that Djoker Harlequeen needed to deal with Divadal on that day of the finals. And I missed all of that because of her ignorance. Can you believe the madness of the world? UTTER MADNESS! Needless to say, she was on my shit list all day long. However, come 2014, you know Realz is cashing in on this hook up!!!

Anyway, let us get to Aussie Open action. Wait, I forgot…well I was not that I forgot but it seems as though I missed this news altogether. My former model friend informed me of this. Djoker Harlequeen hired Boris Becker as his coach! Oh my berries, things are getting serious. I mean I figured that things would have to change up with Djoker as for the past 2 years, he has missed some key opportunities in at majors namely, French 2012/2013, Wimbledon 2013, US Open 2012/2013. I mean he has been a mess in big tournaments. However, I always felt that it was his faults not a coaching failure but what do I know. So he takes on a famous former big name player in his coaching corner. Marian Vajda will be taking a backseat and travel with Djoker to limited tournament. Apparently, he was influential in picking Becker as his replacement. Meanwhile, Mr. Federer hired Stefan Edberg to be in his box. We all know that Lochness Monster Murray has Ivan Lendl to help with matters. While all these former glories are trying to light up the paths for current players, Divadal has tired ole cheating Toni Nadal who I do not even think was a professional player himself but yet is kicking all these asses royally. “Isn’t this ironic?” (Alanis Morissette) There is a saying I like saying that I believe that I have coined myself; A good Mathematician isn’t necessarily a good Math teacher.”

Yeah I do not know how effective I can be but I know I would see my name more often in the papers.

Yeah I do not know how effective I can be but I know I would see my name more often in the papers. (Boris Becker, Djoker’s new coach 6 majors)

Mr. Federer and his new coach Stefan Edberg (6 majors)

Mr. Federer and his new coach Stefan Edberg (6 majors)

Lochness Monster and Ivan Lendl (8 majors)

Lochness Monster and Ivan Lendl (8 majors)

Divadal and Uncle Toni (0 majors) Just beat those bitches with their major title.

Divadal and Uncle Toni (0 majors) Just beat those bitches with their major titles

Let’s get to the results:

So the day was HOT! It was SCORCHING!! Melbourne was on fire. It was approaching near record temperatures on the grounds. I think this girl below does a way better job of expressing the heat conditions than I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8lXYWXJfHQ

Anyway, Vickie (2) was not having it at all. She looked lethargic, bothered and bloated. I do not know if it is just me but she looks out of shape. However, she is getting the job done when needs be. She took out her opponent in straight sets though it was far from a routine victory 7-6 6-2.

I cannot deal with this heat

I cannot deal with this heat

On the other hand, Caroline Wozniacki (10) aka Danish Biscuit, wasted no time on court as she ousted her opponent 6-0 6-2. Simone Halep (11) also trashed her opponent 6-0 6-1. Dominika Cibulkova (20) took out former French Open winner Francesca Schiavone in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Francesco has been hitting tough times lately and might soon be playing qualies to be getting into tournaments. Maria Shriekapova playing the last match of the day took out Bethanie Mattek-Sands in straight sets though it was a messy affair 6-3 6-4.

Danish Biscuit was baking

Danish Biscuit was baking

Other straight sets winners include Slaone Stephens (13), Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic (8), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) over American Vania King, Anastasia Fattychunkova (29) and Bojana Jovanovski (33). Bratzwanska (5) made it through in 3 sets as did American Varvara Lepchenko. She will join fellow American Christina McHale in the 2nd round.

Was she endorsed by Bic Higlighters or the Las Vegas strip? She is just bright!!

Was Sloane endorsed by Bic Higlighters or the Las Vegas strip? She is just bright even for her own eyes!!

There were no major upsets though some seeded players fell by the way. Kuzi Rex (19) lost in straight sets to Ukrainian Elena Svitolina 3-6 3-6, Sorana Cirstea (21) also lost in straights as Kaia Kanepi (24) got bounced in 3 sets.

Interesting ladies match up for Day 3 Sam Stosur (17) v Tsevtana Pironkova (night session), Sabine Lisicki (15) v Monica Niculescu. Be prepared for pending upsets here. The Serenanator and LiNaLi will also take the court. It is suppose to be another scorching day tomorrow so be prepared for retirements, medical timeouts and possible fainting.

Keeping it chill!

Keeping it chill!

On the Men’s side, Mr. Federer opened his campaign for a 5th Aussie Open title. Maybe it was the heat but I am not liking for Mr. Federer is looking these days. I know Mr. Federer is 32 and that he is not the Mr. Federer of 2005-2009. However, Mr. Federer is playing erratic/senile tennis. Those balls are landing very short in the court. At times there were flashes of brilliance but other times it was just banality of the highest order. Maybe I am being far too harsh as this is my main how. The thing is it that Mr. Federer is struggling against players of no mettle, merit or might. James Duckworth was giving Mr. Federer a run for his money. The Aussie was playing rather well within himself and it was mere luck and happenstance why he did not manage to pickpocket a set from the Swiss. At the very key moments of the match, Duckworth started to play Fuckworth tennis and Mr. Federer just seized his chance. It was not pretty but it passed and Mr. Federer is through to the 2nd round 6-4 6-4 6-2.

I got through the day!! Mr. Federer what's with the pants pattern? They fit nicely though

I got through the day!! Mr. Federer what’s with the pants pattern? They fit nicely though

I don't need to say this but Mr. Federer is sitting all hung. No wonder Mirka is pregnant again. Fed be laying it down

 Mr. Federer is sitting all hung packing his balls in more than his bag. No wonder Mirka is pregnant again. Fed be laying it down

In other news, Duckworth was not the only Aussie man to be sent packing as this major is near douche free when Hewitt and Tomic were ousted in the 1st round. I could not be more ecstatic. Tampomic retired after the 1st set against Divadal (1) with a “groin injury” I want to say something nasty about this matter but it is far too vile even for Realz to repeat. It does not matter to Divadal, he is through to the 2nd round and on his way to his 2nd Aussie Open title.

Yeah I am feeling more douchey than usual. Of course I am going to retire, why waste my time out here. I can be home in time to watch Maria's match.

Yeah I am feeling more douchey than usual. Of course I am going to retire, why waste my time out here. I can be home in time to watch Maria’s match.

However, this was not the best result, Rusty Hewitt lost his match in 5 sets. You know how he loves the heroics and to be screaming Come ONs all over the place. He clashed up against Andreas Seppi (24) my sweet sweet Italian sausage and dropped the first 2 sets 6-7 3-6. It is at this moment when Hewitt often shines and he did not disappoint taking the next two sets 7-5 7-5 and he did so at the latter stages of those sets as both times, Seppi failed to hold serve to go to a tiebreaker. So in 5th set, Seppi returned the favour by breaking Hewitt in the 12th game to take the set and the match. G’day Mate!!! Yes.

Baby Ali is looking ruff and tuff with his Afro puff

Baby Ali is looking ruff and tuff with his Afro puff

Baby Ali (10) went through in straight sets as did Lochness Monster (4) Feliciano FeFe Lopez (26) and Monfils aka Beetlejuice (25). Del Potro Beast Boy (5) won in 4 sets. This is why Del Potro finds difficulty winning another major. He is in the early stages of matches, monkeying around and wasting energy. Why is he in a 4 set battle against Rhyne Williams? Who is Rhyne Williams? Other 4 set winners include Fernando Tabasco Verdasco (31), Milos Raonic (11) and Grigor Dimitrov (22) who is now working with Roger Rasheed former coach of Monfils. I am excited by this news. I hope Grigor produces better results this year. He has a lot of potential. Kei Nishikori (16) is another one of those players who is not efficient at majors. He won a 5 set battle to move through to the 2nd round. Meanwhile, Gilles Simon (18) beat my boo Danny Brands 16-14 in the 5th set to move through to the next round. Young Americans Donald Young and Jock Sock also move through to the 2nd round. Meanwhile, fellow American John Isner had to retire after 2 sets with an aggravated ankle injury.

Nice to see Donald Young winning a major match

Nice to see Donald Young winning a major match

Radek Stepanek aka Shark Boy retired in the 4th set after winning the first 2. I guess he is protecting his body as he has doubles to play. He is the defending US Open doubles champ. Smart man about the money.

Interesting matchups tomorrow for the men.. Sam Querry v Ernst Gulbis and Nikolay Davydenko v Richard Gasquet (9). I looked at the schedule and saw that Matthew Ebden (Aus) will play 28th seed Vasek Pospisil (Can) is in the 2nd match for the night session at the Rod Laver Arena. Ebden is currently ranked 67 in the world. Are they fcuking kidding me? What kinda a bullshit is this? This is like the warmup act closing the show and the main event came on only for sound check. Australian Open better check their nationalism madness at the door. Not even at the US Open will I see a Jock Sock or Donald Young night match UNLESS they are playing one of the big boys! Ain’t nobody have time for this.

Hope you enjoy!!! AND SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT REALZ TENIS FANZ!!

PICTURE SHOW: Treasure Chests!!

Divadal is giving that camera man in the back some action

Divadal is giving that camera man in the back some action

Berdych showing us his pecs

Berdych showing us his pecs

Alejandro Gonzalez of Colombia getting in on the action

Alejandro Gonzalez of Colombia getting in on the action

Kei Nishikori

Kei Nishikori

Fognini

Fognini

Oh Fogging Fognini

Oh Fogging Fognini

Boo can I do that for you??

Boo can I do that for you??

But tennis players have nothing on these guys..

Cullen Jones... I want to be a water droplet right now

Cullen Jones… I want to be a water droplet right now

Ryan Reynolds...Blade Trinity... that's all I got to say...

Ryan Reynolds…Blade Trinity… that’s all I got to say…

 

Australian Open 2014

In Agnes Radwanska, Ana Ivanovic, Andy Murray, Angelique Kerber, Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Carla Suarez Narravo, Daniela Hantuchova, David Ferrer, Ekaterina Makarova, Feliciano Lopez, Gael Monfils, Gilles Simon, Jelena Jankovic, Jerzy Janowicz, Jie Zheng, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, John Isner, Juan Martin Del Potro, Li Na, Lleyton Hewitt, Marcos Baghdatis, Mikhail Youzhny, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Radek Stepanek, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams, Slaone Stephens, Stanislas Wawrinka, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Haas, Urszula Radwanska, Venus Williams on January 12, 2014 at 11:01 pm

Australian Open 2014 trophy

Every major, when I’m trying to rearrange my life to get in as much tennis in as possible, I always contemplate whether to post a preview bit. Now mind you, all the major publications do so in an effort to drum up some interest and frankly so that they can talk. However, with the current state of both the men and women’s tours, matters have long been decided. For the past three years now, it’s been the same gang at the top. There’s nothing new to say. I am sure the same notes from the preview to the French, Wimbledon and the US Open 2012 and 2013 will apply for this Australian Open 2014. I dare someone to say otherwise.

However, I figured that RealzTenisFanz cannot be so far out of the main stream though we are hardly the type of prestigious publication to follow trends blindly. Nonetheless, I figured why not revive the blog for 2014 with a lil something for the Fanz.

From Realz!!

From Realz!!

While we are on this subject Fanz, I think 2014 will see us going on quite a bit so I want to thank you all for your continued support. Happy New Tennis Year ! I know many of you are dying to tell about your Christmas and New Years affairs. However, we aren’t here for that. We will get into personal gossips later on. Furthermore, our lives aren’t nearly as interesting as the pro players so we will ignore our mundane madness for the sake of their more scintillating sagas.

So let us have the realz score on this one now

So let us have the realz score on this one now

But let us not digress…. Wait, I’m not sure if I actually confirmed this but I regret to inform you that it’s really true that Petra Kvitova and Radek Stepanek are in fact a couple. I don’t think my brain has fully grasp this ugly concept. In fact whenever I think of them as a couple, my mind’s defense system kicks in and automatically blurs Shark Boy’s face.

Homewrecker??? Nicole and Radek on their wedding day. Right, Petra in her version of a black dress

Homewrecker??? Nicole and Radek on their wedding day. Right, Petra in her version of a black dress

PeekaBoos!!

PeekaBoos!!

Can’t deal with that much beastliness in one thought. I know people will label Petra a homewrecker seeing as Shark Boy is still married to former top ten Nicole Vaidisova. However, in my humble opinion, it was a hideous home. It ain’t for looks or charms so it has to be he drops his shorts and you silly school of girls just lose your bloody minds as well as your panties.

Wait what do you mean I have to share you??

Wait what do you mean I have to share you??

This was Petra's old boo but she don't want no small fry anymore... she's looking for big fish

This was Petra’s old boo but she don’t want no small fry anymore… she’s looking for big fish

So Nickie girl, you get yourself some new dick though I am guessing that Shark Boy is hung like a sperm whale because too many decent looking girls are getting bitten by this predator. I bet he be munching on their seabed like it the last plankton in all of the Red Sea. Sushi is on the menu girls and you are the catch of the day! Ladies I advised you all to invest in a decent toy and if not get yourself a good “buddy” with ironclad contractual terms, safe play because no one deserves to be caught up in the cult that is Radek Stepanek. He’ll kill your joy and your career. Ask Martina Hingis and Nicole. At this point in Petra’s career, she doesn’t know where she’s going but most certainly sure that she’s coming and coming very regular. So I guess I should be happy for her?

And she found it with Shark Boy

And she found it with Shark Boy

To the real tennis newz :

Divadal before his make up!

Divadal before his make up!

On the men’s side, the number one seed, Rafael Nadal aka Lord Clay aka Divadal aka Lord Clay and hardcourt Divadal (She lost only two clay court matches last year and didn’t lose on hardcourt whilst picking up his 8th French Open title and 2nd US Open crown), has a draw of death. It’s just traps all over the place. First off he has to deal with Bernard Tampomic and frankly I know the Spanish Diva is going to handle this mess in 3 straight kleenex sets but no one wants to deal with the Aussie crowds fully supporting their man and the added misfortunes of having to endure Bernard’s on court bullshit. You know this latent case is going to be showing her dirty knickers all over the place when those Divadal forehands be coming from all corners of the court. It’s going to be a mess I’m sure of it.

Yeah I am a douche... so what?? Am I the biggest douche down under?? Hmmm

Yeah I am a douche… so what?? Am I the biggest douche down under?? Hmmm

No I am the biggest douche down under

No I am the biggest douche down under

What’s even worst for the number one seed is that he has to deal with not one Aussie Asshole but two; Lleyton Hewitt is also on this section. Hewitt’s career got a resurrection of sorts when he beat Mr. Federer in Brisbane last week in 3 sets. So look out this possible 4th round clash.

I am ready for all these douche bags. Bring them on!!

I am ready for all these douche bags. Bring them on!!

Wait did you say Xisca is coming on court?? I need to get out of her.

Wait did you say Xisca is coming on court?? I need to get out of her.

Beetlejuice is lurking for Divadal in this section for a possible 3rd round match up that’s if Beetlejuice shows up in Melbourne to play tennis and not to pay clown.  Divadal has to also contend with Beast Boy who is definitely poised this year to make some real major noise again. Del Potro wants another major and he will get it soon enough in my humble and often awesome opinion. But all in all its unlikely he is losing early unless Rosol and Darcis had a baby together.

I don't know which Beetlejuice will show up

I don’t know which Beetlejuice will show up

Ahh the maladies of Murray have already begun and he hasn't even played a match yet

Ahh the maladies of Murray have already begun and he hasn’t even played a match yet

On the other side of the top half is Lochness Monster who has had a rather dismal year since winning Wimbledon last year. This creature might be stumbling since his magical 2012. Murray has been featured in three Aussie Open finals now I think and winning a total of 1 set of the ten that he played. I’m sure he thinks that the 4th time is the charm. However you know this is of no concern to me because Mr. Federer (6) is in this quarter and that’s my main man. However, Mr. Federer has two French men in his realm, Baby Ali et Chicken leg Simon. They both come lethal and with historic wins over the greatest thing since slice in my tennis world.

I don't know what is going on with me anymore

I don’t know what is going on with me anymore. I am going senile on the tennis courts it seems.

The Scotsman has to deal with the likes of BFG John Isner and Chin Cilic. This is just tough half all over. Just potential problems all over the place for everyone. No match is an easy round.

Despite all this, I think Divadal is coming through this half. Mr Federer might get to the semis but he doesn’t have the stamina to deal with the hard court beast that is Divadal plus Mr. Federer has far more pressing issues before he gets to semis…. And that’s if he even gets there. My man is no longer a safe bet especially as the 6th seed. He’s working with Stefan Edberg but I’m not sure this will help. Federer needs a nutritionist to help him gain muscle mass. No Bueno! I almost forgot the gossip, Mirka is pregnant again. I couldn’t really tell because she always look with child. However, Mr. Federer made the announcement on Facebook and I have to take his word for it on these matters.

Mommy and granny holding the girls... possibly brother(s) on the way??

Mommy and granny holding the girls… possibly brother(s) on the way??

David Ferrer’s quarter…. Is this even a legitimate expression? However the numbers don’t lie, he’s the 3rd ranked player and gets his own section. However this prize hasn’t brought him much gifts because he has to deal with a lot of bigger men, Tommy Haas Mikhail Youzhny, Tomasz Berdshite and Jerzy Janowicz. It’s going to be tough and of course he has the 3 time defending champion Djoker Harlequeen on his side.

I am gonna be passing out some chocolate because I have a sweet sweet draw

I am gonna be passing out some chocolate because I have a sweet sweet draw

Now I have seen easy bake oven draws in the past but I think this quarter for Novak is a new model where we might as well had just give Novak byes all the way to the finals or at least the semis to make it interesting. There’s no one in this section to trouble the man. No one! Ernst Gulbis? Richard Gasquet? Marcos Baghdatis? Ain’t he married? This must be sketch comedy because I know Djoker is laughing his ass off. The only possible hiccup is Stan Wawrinka and we all know how messy this girl can be. She got handled at the US Open and that must still be hurting.

Anyway, I think Divadal and Djoker are the two contenders here though I do not look forward to a possible finals between these two as I would like to not waste 7 hours of my life with these two for one of them to finally take the title.

It is just me, myself and I out there. No one comes close to me.

It is just me, myself and I out there. No one comes close to me.

On the ladies’ draw I mean what more can one say other than the Serenantor (1) is here to win this title and try yet again for the one thing that her career does not have: a true Grand Slam. She is going for it this year full steam ahead. She is not going to let herself be deterred. Every year since 2010 she is becoming more and more mentally focused and her hard work is paying off. Since that ugly defeat in 2012 at the French Open, she has been looking stupendous. Her shots are cleaner, crisper and she is staying in shape. No one has seen this kinda of focus from Serena for a long time…if not ever. It seems that everything is looking up for her now. However, we all know it is at these times when she looks unstoppable, she then lets her bad self get in the way and implodes on court. Hopefully, this sorta thing is not going to happen because I think Serena has worked hard enough and deserves the calender slam. I would also really like to see her in the 20s with major titles. She is really that good of a player!!

Yeah you forgot about me??

Yeah you forgot about me??

Yeah there are competitors to consider, Vickie (2), Maria (3) and LiNaLi (4) but do they even stand a chance? I mean Vickie is the ONLY one who does not get routine bagels and/or breadsticks from the American. Vickie can play the Serenanator but when it comes to the final stages of the match where fitness is a factor, Serena has her younger adversary beat. Maria simply does not possess the skill set to deal with Serena. I don’t think she ever will. And also her biggest problem is trying to stay positive throughout the match. It is very difficult to do as she is constantly trying to figure out what kinda diet is Serena working on that day. Is she carb counting and thus handing out bagels and breadsticks sets or is she on a gluten free diet and feels more generous in allowing an extra game here or there. Look at any of the matches these two play. Serena is almost breaking Maria at will and dispensing baked goods to the Russian like a Pillsbury. However, I would admit that last match a week ago, Maria got to a tiebreaker. However, I think Serena was just trying to be generous..Happy New Year’s Gurl….Here’s a Christmas gift; a respectable scoreline.

Now why you had to go bring up my record against the Serenanator again for?

Now why you had to go bring up my record against the Serenanator again for?

Anyway these two can only meet in the finals. Maria and Vickie are on the same half (bottom) of the draw and Serena has to contend with LiNaLi on her half (top). Will be interesting to see what the new year brings for Li and her Cheating Coach Carlos. Serena’s quarter is rather tricky as she has some ticklish players lurking about like Tsetvana Pironkova who just won her first WTA title beating Petra Kvitova GHW (she had penis on the brain) along the way. There is also the huge serving Eugenie Bouchard (30) of Canada, tenacious Jie Zheng, Ana Ivanovic (14) the Terrible and also Sara Errani (7) but really and truly we are not exactly counting her in the mix. Serena eats Sara for a light snack. There is also local home hopeful Sam Stosur who has beaten the American twice at the majors in key matches. However, Sam does not have a great record in her home country but she won several matches this past week so this might be a turn around for her.

Do we know which LiNaLi will be on court or will Carlos continue to signal to her telling her know who she should be?

Do we know which LiNaLi will be on court or will Carlos continue to signal to her telling her know who she should be?

LiNaLi (4) also has a tricky set of client with GHW Kvitova (6) aka Mistress Stepanek, Sabine Lisicki (15) who it seems is now working with Martina Hingis (I don’t know why this woman just won’t go away and stay there. Can’t she find more men to beat up? She really does not contribute much to game at this time. She is fighting so hard to be relevant but she barely has a point except on pencil. And she should just erase herself with the other end. She was a great student of the game but hardly is she selfless enough to be a decent teacher.) Carebear Kerber (9) is also around in these parts. I almost forgot to mention that resident veteran Venus Williams is also on board at this Open. She will open her campaign against crazy lefty Ekaterina Makarova (22) who has been known as a very dangerous floater. She has some good scalps in her career including Serena and 5th seed here Radwanska. So Makarova is not to be dismissed lightly.

You don't worry about my draw and/or drawers okay. Just how I like it... easy, breezy

You don’t worry about my draw and/or drawers okay. Just how I like it… easy, breezy

Sometimes when I look at Maria’s draw at majors, I often wonder if the committees are confused about the concept of “draw” It might be that they are thinking more “drawers” than “draw” because Maria always getting some easy sexy cute draws. There is absolutely no one of consequence in her section of the draw. Not one. You know who Maria is opening up against, Bethanie Mattek-Sands and one noted sports writer claimed Carlo Suarez-Navarro is the dark horse pick and figured she will get to the semis. I think he means, she is going to buy a ticket to watch the match. Most certainly she is not going to be winning 5 singles matches and earn her place. I mean seriously now? Dark Horse pick… This is more likely a Black Unicorn pick. So because of this it means that Jelena Jankovic aka Fivehead Jungle Witch (8) v Maria really going to be the big matchup of this section. I would rather vomit.

I hope you all didn't forget about me now

I hope you all didn’t forget about me now

Vickie has a relatively okay section with several of her favourite punching bags Slaone Stephens (13), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (10) and off course her best pigeon Agniezska Radwanska (5). Vickie couldn’t ask for a better route to the semis.

All in all I don’t think she is retaining her title this year. This is the Serenanator’s title for the taking.

FASHION FORWARD???

Serena gurl, you need to better cage that tiger of yours... I can see claws coming out...

Serena gurl, you need to better cage that tiger of yours… I can see claws coming out…

Vee gurl... WTF with that weave...We need to hook you up....that front is a hotmess

Vee gurl… WTF with that weave…We need to hook you up….that front is a hotmess

Apparently LiNaLi moonlights as a clown after hours.

Apparently LiNaLi moonlights as a clown after hours.

It is not great but it is not bad and for Maria, this is all good

It is not great but it is not bad and for Maria, this is all good

This is very good from Sabine

This is very good from Sabine

Who knew the German was also a succubus?

Who knew the German was also a succubus?

Daniela showing all the itches how you step it up! Gorgeous! Giving them Farrah Fawcett hair tease realness!!! YES M'AM

Daniela showing all the itches how you step it up! Gorgeous! Giving them Farrah Fawcett hair tease realness!!! YES M’AM

Apparently, men and women went to different functions because David look like he just got off from practice. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Apparently, men and women went to different functions because David look like he just got off from practice. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Even with ugly New Balances, the ratty t-shirt and the buzz cut, this Spanish flame is still burning hot

Even with ugly New Balances, the ratty t-shirt and the buzz cut, this Spanish flame is still burning hot

US Open 2013: Day 7

In Agnes Radwanska, Andy Murray, Carla Suarez Narravo, David Ferrer, Jelena Jankovic, Li Na, Lleyton Hewitt, Marcel Granollers, Marcos Baghdatis, Mikhail Youzhny, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Serena Williams, Slaone Stephens, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Haas on September 6, 2013 at 7:29 am
Lindsay and Martina getting prime seating for the chick fight on court between Serena and Sloane. I have to say Lindsay, Martina looks way better than you post retirement. Why? And don't say kids.

Lindsay and Martina getting prime seating for the chick fight on court between Serena and Sloane. I have to say Lindsay, Martina looks way better than you post retirement. Why? And don’t say kids.

The matchup of the day that everyone was talking about was the Sloane/Serena match up. For reasons already discussed in previous posting, this was the one they all wanted to see. The Serenanator lost to Sloane at a major and everyone feel that Sloane is one to really stand up to her fellow American and meet her toe to toe. I on the underhand do not see things in this manner. I think the press is making this to be way more than it is. The Serenanator is playing it smart and considerate by not playing into the media hype. The American media is famous for killing its own and the Serenanator is down playing every angle there is to play so as to avoid any extra controversy between the two. Tennis is the only thing that needs to be the focus.

Sloane, just in case you didn't know, Serena got back upS and we are ready to kiss some @$$ out here if you keep on saying shite about our lil sis

ReRe we got your back! This itch tries anything funny out here, it is on and popping. Lyn got something special for her @$$ under the jacket if she says another word about you.

Anyway during the actual match, the Serenanator came out sharp though not in her usual blistering pace because truth be told Sloane can play. I saw Sloane back in 2009 if I am not mistaken when she was about 16 at the Madison Square Garden and to look at this player now is remarkable. She has improved quite well and will soon be in the top 10 I am sure and very well be contending for major titles. Anyway, the Serenanator showed her tennis prowess because at the end of the day, it is who wins the match that matters. 6-4 6-1 was the scoreline in favour of the more senior American.

Thank you Jehovah! I didn't have to choke a itch out here today! Amen

Thank you Jehovah! I didn’t have to choke a itch out here today! Amen

Perhaps this is a lesson in humility for the younger American but at the end of the day, she should realize that the Serenanator is not her target nor should she be her focus. Sloane performed terribly at regular tournaments this year but seemingly made up for it at majors getting to at least the Round of 16 for all 4. Nonetheless, crucial points/experience could be had if she play those “smaller” tournaments better. Hopefully, she sees the value of this.

What had happened??

What had happened??

The other three Round of 16 match ups provided much drama and fanfare. First up, Carla Suarez-Navarro v Angelique Kerber. This was really a matchup of players I hardly care about. However, both have considerable talents and it is nice to see players like this do well at majors. Carla in particular though she is on my shit list for knocking out Venus at the 2009 Aussie Open, has a very nice one handed backhand. I am not trying to be a hater or mean here but it is just about the prettiest thing about her out on court. I do not understand why this girl is not more put together on the professional tour. She looks like a street urchin and her languid style/demeanour do not help matters. She comes across as a poor unfortunate orphan. Every time I see her, I want to just give her a hug. She could so do with some feminine touches. She really should not wear skirts as they are most unflattering. She could do well with some nice shorts and a nice pair of ladies tennis shoes and can someone from the Spanish Federation get this girl some braces. That overbite is way past over. She really need better deportment out on court. Anyway, she took out Kerber in 3 sets. Truth be told, she was playing the better brand of tennis throughout the match but Suarez-Navarro really was not aggressive in the early stages of the match. I suspect this is what has her circling the lower end of the top 20 rankings when she is good enough to be closer to the top 10.

Carlo in the house

This look is not okay…Spain needs to fix this situation pronto

The other two Round of 16 matches that were played were the real surprises of the day. LiNaLi took on Jelena Jankovic and to be honest, I expected it to be a close matchup; at the very least, it was bound to go to 3 sets. However, I was wrong, LiNaLi though looking very shaky, won quite comfortably in the end. China’s number 1 player knocked out the Serb 6-3 6-0. And JJ has been growing in confidence as of late and really trying to move up in the rankings. Though I am sure this result would help, it would definitely not improve her mindset about the game.

WTF?? I lost the match? Really? So quickly?

WTF?? I lost the match? Really? So quickly?

In the other matchup, Aga Radwanska took on Ekaterina Makarova. This match was hilarious. Funny thing was that in her first 3 matches, Radwanska had the 1st match up. However, for her 4th round encounter, she was the last scheduled match and because of longer matches, she was one of the last to take the court. Nonetheless, she had a most brilliant start. She was blistering the Russian. If you have ever seen Aga played, you would know that she capitalizes on her opponents’ errors. She moves the ball around the court has an almost infinite supply of shot selections. But she is not a power player and other than her deft touch, she does not have a killer shot. Therefore, the more skilled ladies such the Serenanator and Vickie munch on her like she is a rice cake. Anyway, we digress. Aga got out to a 4-0 led as though she had some place to be Sunday night and needed this match to be over.

I think some of the peroxide got into her brains and short circuited her it

I think some of the peroxide got into her brains and short circuited her it

However, Makarova got herself together. Makarova is very dangerous floater especially at the majors and Sunday night, she proved just how crafty she can be with that lefty swing. She literally reeled off 8 straight games against the Pole. It was though Makarova had hacked into Aga’s brain and corrupting every file. Makarova was on every ball. Aga did not know where to put her ball. She could not get a winner to save her life. Every lead that she had, quickly evaporated.  Therefore, that lead of 4-0 that she had soon became 4-6 0-2. She finally got her life together to take the next three games but again Makarova was back in her mainframe. Makarova would not let Aga breathe and she too came back to take the next three games. Aga was able to win another game to only be down 4-5 but that gave Makarova the chance to serve for the match and she certainly did not waste this opportunity. The 23rd seed Russian just thoroughly dismissed the 3rd seed 6-4 6-4.

I laugh at them when they say Radwanska can win a major

I laugh at them when they say Radwanska can win a major

I know some people think that Aga deserves to win a major but I do not agree. Majors are not charity events and sports is not a religious institution. If you want to win something, you have to win it. Aga simply does not possess the game to progress far at the US Open. She might get lucky one day to get pass the 4th round; something she has yet to do. However, I assure you her opponent will pick her off with ease and get ahead of her. She is very “crafty” but we are not playing country club tennis; this is the WTA and big hitters are the ones rising to the top.

5 N. Li 6 6  
9 J. Jankovic 3 0
1 S. Williams 6 6
15 S. Stephens 4 1
8 C. Suarez-Navarro 4 6 7
18 A. Kerber 6 3 6
24 E. Makarova 6 6  
3 A. Radwanska 4 4
Title defense in full effect

Title defense in full effect

On the men’s side, Djoker and Murray had very easy time against their opponents. Murray took care of business in straight sets 7-6 6-2 6-2 over Florian Mayer whereas Djoker just trashed Jaoa Sousa 6-0 6-2 6-2. Sousa only won those last two games of the match because Djoker was in some sorta giving mood because that final set bagel was very much there for the toasting. Berdych, 2012 semifinalist here, also took care of his opponent in easy fashion. He knocked out the veteran Frenchman Benneteau in straight sets dropping just 5 games and buttered a nice warm bagel for Julian in the opening set 6-0 6-3 6-2. Lytton Hewitt continued his good fortunes at this year’s US Open as he made it to the Round of 16 with a victory over some unheard of Russian in 4 sets.

Thanks for showing up for practice. I really appreciate it

Thanks for showing up for practice. I really appreciate it

The day also had some very interesting men’s encounters. Swiss Stanislas Wawrinka who has for years trying to establish himself as a real contender and perhaps an heir apparent to the great Mr. Federer, knocked out the very enigmatic Marcos Baghdatis in 4 sets. Wawrinka gave himself a 2 sets lead but Baghdatis is a fighter and took the 3rd in a tiebreaker. The 4th set also proved to be a tough one but Wawrinka was able to pull that one also in a tiebreaker after failing to serve it out up 5-4. Wawrinka 6-3 6-2 6-7 7-6. Mikhail Youzhny of Russia had to contend with another veteran of the tour, Tommy Haas  but Youzhny has had good results here at the Open and looked to continue such fortunes. He took the first 2 sets before Haas came back in the 3rd. However, in the end, Haas just did not have the legs to stand up against the Russian and bowed out in 4 sets. 6-3 6-2 2-6 6-3 Youzhny.

I can recommend this really great diet. I used it for myself

I can recommend this really great diet. I used it for myself

In the other two matches, it was a matter of pride per se. Tim Smyczek was fighting to be the lone American male to get into the 4th Round of a major. All of his compatriots had been bounced and he needed this for his country. However, it was not to be. He had his chances but failed to capitalize. He dropped the 1st set to Marcel Granollers 3-6 but took the next two in convincing fashion 6-4 6-0. However, I think he got a bit ahead of himself. I really wish male players would realize that being up 2-1 means that in the 4th set, you have to put the pedal to the metal and take it in 4 sets. Putting yourself in a 5th set situation gets far too complicated. Smyczek learned this lesson the hard way. Spanish players are grinders and they have stamina beyond belief as they all mostly learn to play the game on slow clay courts. Granollers snatched up that 4th set 6-3 and despite Smyczek being up 4-1 in the 5th set, he won only 1 more game as the Spaniard took the next 6 of 7 games to get to his 1st Round of 16 at a major I think if not at the US Open. 6-4 4-6 0-6 6-3 7-5 Granollers. With Smyczek’s loss, it means that in 2013, NOT ONE AMERICAN MAN MADE IT PAST THE 3RD ROUND OF ANY OF THE MAJORS. NOT ONE. The USTA really needs to get their shite together. This is ridiculous.

Tim Symczek looking up the heavens for a game plan. None came

Tim Symczek looking up the heavens for a game plan. None came

The last match was up Denis Istomin v Andreas Seppi. Seppi it seems loves to play 5 setters but this time, he was not able to get the upper hand. He was down 0-2 sets but took the 3rd and 4th sets with relative ease. However in the decisive set, he ran out of steam and Istomin just pounced handing him a breadstick. Istomin 6-3 6-4 2-6 3-6 6-1.

1 N. Djokovic 6 6 6  
J. Sousa 0 2 2
T. Smyczek 4 6 6 3 5
M. Granollers 6 4 0 6 7
12 T. Haas 3 2 6 3
21 M. Youzhny 6 6 2 6
E. Donskoy 3 6 6 1
L. Hewitt 6 7 3 6  
20 A. Seppi 3 4 6 6 1
D. Istomin 6 6 2 3 6
3 A. Murray 7 6 6  
F. Mayer 6 2 2
5 T. Berdych 6 6 6
31 J. Benneteau 0 3 2
9 S. Wawrinka 6 6 6 7  
M. Baghdatis 3 2 7 6
He might not look like he's in shape but he sure is playing well shaped tennis

He might not look like he’s in shape but he sure is playing well shaped tennis

Next time you say shite about me, I will end your life. You best believe that that will be happening

Next time you say shite about me, I will end your life. You best believe that that will be happening

I am dressed to kill

I am dressed to kill

That's right gurl, it is all about drinking champagne

That’s right gurl, it is all about drinking champagne

Don't they make a sweet couple

Don’t they make a sweet couple

Two of the corniest people I don't know. Andy Murray and Ben Stiller

Two of the corniest people I don’t know. Andy Murray and Ben Stiller

Where do these twinks be coming from?

Where do these twinks be coming from?

I thought Petra Kvitova got knocked out

I thought Petra Kvitova got knocked out

US Open 2013: Day 5

In Agnes Radwanska, Alexander Dolgopolov, Alize Cornet, Andy Murray, Carla Suarez Narravo, Donald Young, Jaime Hampton, Jelena Jankovic, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kaia Kanepi, Laura Robson, Li Na, Lleyton Hewitt, Mikhail Youzhny, Na Li, Richard Gasquet, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams, Slaone Stephens, Sports Blog, Stanislav Wawrinka, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Haas, US Open, Yaroslava Shevedova on September 6, 2013 at 7:22 am
US Open at Night is electric!!!

US Open at Night is electric!!!

I am so sorry that this edition of the blog is kinda coming to you late very late. I really had to catch up on sleep. Typically, I am able to do some of the ground work for the postings during the day. However, because of “work related issues” I have to do everything in the evenings/nights. Anyway, I do sincerely apologize. I am really trying to do a complete coverage of this major. It seems like this year I am having no luck. Twice I have been offered tickets to the Open and twice I could not get to them. It is no big deal. The weather has been so inclement though play has not been delayed for several days now. However, when it rains at the stadium, it becomes a very hot/humid situation. Everyone is everywhere. And it is very expensive out there with the adult beverages being really good. It might not be a good look for me at all.

Poor Laura Robson was not having a good day

Poor Laura Robson was not having a good day

Anyway, let’s get to the tennis. On the ladies’ side of the draw, there was not much of an upset. It was a relatively quiet day. LiNaLi faced off against Laura Robson who knocked her out of last year’s Open. However, LiNaLi was not having deja-vu as she just dismantled the Briton. Laura was having a bad day at the office. Every lead she had was quickly surrendered and LiNaLi kept her wits about here and spanked her down to the ground 6-2 7-5.

I'm gonna take a drink for you Laura... cheers

I’m gonna take a drink for you Laura… cheers

Wimbledon finalist Sabine Lisicki also lost in straight sets 4-6 5-7 to Ekaterina Makarova who has also enjoyed an inexplicable win over the Serenanator (Aussie Open 2012). She is always good for at least one upset at the majors. She is a very dangerous floater and has that nasty lefty swing with a down the line shot that can be deadly. However, Makarova is a Russian, so you know how that goes. One minute they playing like tennis gods and the next, they are a mess from hell.

Bye itch... bye bye

Bye itch… bye bye

Sloane Stephens won her match up against fellow American Jamie Hampton with relative ease 6-1 6-3 and will face now another American, the Serenanator. The Serenanator had to play the late late night match, taking the court just before midnight. She had a tough test from the Russian/Kazak Yaroslava Shvedova but the Serenanator hung tough 6-3 6-1 to move on.

Yes! I'm on it! I am definitely on it tonight!

Yes! I’m on it! I am definitely on it tonight!

Now, there has been much talk of the Sloane/Serenanator match up. Interestingly enough, they have only played twice. 1-1. The Serenanator’s lost came at the Aussie Open quarters after she had just beaten Sloane a couple of weeks prior in Brisbane (If I am not mistaken). In their 1st match up, Sloane stated that the Serenanator’s grunts were disrespectful. When she won, she spoke of how Serena is an idol/mentor etc to her. There was for me a moment in her post match fevour where Sloane seemed to have suddenly got way ahead of herself. She came off as a tad bit cocky…well cocky is not the word I want to use here but for me, she just same the wrong thing though I cannot recall exactly what she said. I think it was something to the effect of taking down Serena’s photo in her room and put up hers. I was like “Gurl, you have not arrived as yet. There is a lot more to go.” I chalked it up to post-big-win euphoria. However, things got very complimacated later in the year when in an interview, Sloane went all in on the Serenanator. She was like a manic woman on a mission to the looney bin because the interview was totally out of control.

Wait Sloane is trying to come for me??

Wait Sloane is trying to come for me??

“She’s not said one word to me, not spoken to me, not said hi, not looked my way, not been in the same room with me since I played her in Australia,” Stephens says emphatically. “And that should tell everyone something, how she went from saying all these nice things about me to unfollowing me on Twitter.” [Boo, Maria and Serena do not hang out in the same circles. I assure you of that. They do not hellos, byes or even the casual nods across the room from each other. I do not know who you think you are, Ms. Just Come on the Scene to warrant girlfriend status with the likes of the Serenanator]Her mom tries to slow her down, but Sloane is insistent. “Like, seriously! People should know. They think she’s so friendly and she’s so this and she’s so that — no, that’s not reality! You don’t unfollow someone on Twitter, delete them off of BlackBerry Messenger. I mean, what for? Why?” [Because I don’t have anything to say to you. You speaketh nonsense! Aint’ nobody got time for that!]

No she didn't just say that!!!!

No she didn’t just say that!!!! She said all that? Gurl she went all in on Serena’s @$$

I guess this unfollowing happened after Serena twitted, “I made you” after the Australian Open match. I have to admit that this might have been directed at Sloane who was acting quite full of herself and failed to mention that she got dusted by Vickie in the next round. Serena was not a nice person she mentioned. Sweetie, I do not know which bylines you have been reading but no one thinks the Serenanator was valedictorian from Ms. Muffy’s Charm School. She related some ridiculous story of how at age 12, she waited with a group of young tennis fans to get autographs from Serena and Venus and in the end she did not get one despite them walking by her several times. She took this personal. Even her mother, as noted by the interviewer, was like “Gurl are you for real with this nonsense.” Sloane, I was up close and personal with Venus and Serena and they did not give me an autograph. GET OVER IT. Sloane did not stop there. She was going for the jugular. She disavowed any notion that she looked up the Serenanator and emphatically noted that Kim Clijster was her fav. (LOL oh Sloane gurl, you were really feeling yourself.)

Ooops I said all? Oh gawd I had verbal diarrhea!!

Ooops I said all? Oh gawd I had verbal diarrhea!!

Now this is relatively old news. However, the press ran with this as I think there was a lot to the story in that one player was really calling out another. Moreover though, this Serena/Sloane drama is even more intensified by the fact of their age difference representing the past/present/future of women’s tennis, their being black and that they are the top 2 American females. It is a “black cat fight” and nothing the American press likes to see but black/black crime PLUS the added feature that it is two women going at it. They American press wants drama because in the end it is a win/win situation for them. Sloane win this match, “She is the future, She dethroned the reigning tennis queen, etc etc.” If Serena wins, they get to pull out the Serenanator monster/revenge headlines etc etc. This is for them a rivalry because the Serenanator/Maria or Serenanator/Vickie is really nothing to write home about. The Serenanator own them both. It should be noted that subsequent to Sloane’s lil rant, she backtracked and apologize for her behaviour. She and the Serenanator have squashed the incident but the press will not leave it alone.

Guess who showed up for a doubles match. Ms. Hingis but she got knocked out

Guess who showed up for a doubles match. Ms. Hingis but she got knocked out

Anyway, the other winners include, Carla Suarez-Navarro who is intent on making no attempts whatsoever to be girlish on court. Suarez Navarro knocked out Jie Zheng who had taken out Venus the previous round. Interestingly enough, Carla beat Venus in the 2nd round of a major as well in 2009 Australian Open. JJ aka Jelena Jankovic aka Fivehead Jungle Witch won as did Angelique Kerber, Aga Radwanska who has been getting some very very early matchups. She has played all of her matches 1st thing up on court.

1 S. Williams 6 6
Y. Shvedova 3 1
23 J. Hampton 1 3
15 S. Stephens 6 6
J. Zheng 2 4
18 C. Suarez-Navarro 6 6
3 A. Radwanska 6 7
A. Pavlyuchenkova 4 6
24 E. Makarova 6 7
16 S. Lisicki 4 5
30 L. Robson 2 5
5 N. Li 6 7
25 K. Kanepi 0 4
8 A. Kerber 6 6
9 J. Jankovic 6 7
K. Nara 4 6
Del Potro in the house!!! Looking for make another run to the US Open title

Del Potro in the house!!! Looking for make another run to the US Open title

On the men’s side, things were also routine and that includes Juan Martin Del Potro just showing his ass on court. I swear, I expected bigger things from Del Potro but it seems he is determined to be a one hit wonder. He played Hewitt and after a slow start of dropping the 1st set, he smashed his way through to win the next 2. However, if you are familiar with Del Potro’s style of tennis, it is quite languid, lackadaisical and lovely all rolled into one. He can be deftly powerful and then do some of the dumbest things ever on court. For a huge man, he does not allow himself to be limited by any part of the game. Although, he has had recent niggles with that wrist of his, he can still acquit himself quite well. But against Hewitt, he just became a mess. He allowed Hewitt to get away with murder with that horrid serving of his. Hewitt barely makes 1st serves. In the end, Hewitt knocked off Del Potro and really put a monkey wrench in my US Open predictions. I mean I did not really make predictions but I mean Delpo was supposed to have bagged this match easily.

D for Del Potro... D for Disappointment

D for Del Potro… D for Disappointment

Anyway moving on from this mess of a match: other winners include Marcos Baghdatis, Wawrinka, Mikhail Youzhny who I must say has had some good results here, Tomas Berdych and of course the two giants, Andy Murray and Novak Djokovic. Like I said not much going on here except Delpo losing. I almost forgot that Tommy Haas won his match. However, check out the results below.

I am here to reclaim my US Open title and no one is going to stop me

I am here to reclaim my US Open title and no one is going to stop me

1 N. Djokovic 7 6 6  
B. Becker 6 2 2
12 T. Haas 6 6 7  
Y. H Lu 3 4 6
L. Hewitt 6 5 3 7 6
6 JM Del Potro 4 7 6 6 1
3 A. Murray 7 6 3 6  
L. Mayer 5 1 6 1
D. Young 5 3 4
F. Mayer 7 6 6  
D. Kudla 6 6 3
5 T. Berdych 7 7 6  
A. Dolgopolov 5 1 3
21 M. Youzhny 7 6 6  
J. Nieminen 6 3 6 3 4
J. Sousa 1 6 3 6 6
E. Donskoy 6 6 3 4 6
P. Gokowczyk 3 4 6 6 3
T. Kamke 4 2 2
D. Istomin 6 6 6  
A. Bogomolov 6 6 6 4 4
T. Smyczek 3 7 2 6 6
9 S. Wawrinka 7 7 6  
I. Karlovic 5 6 4
20  A. Seppi 7 6 7
S.Dewarman 6 4 5
31 J. Benneteau 6 6 6  
J. Chardy 4 3 4
M. Granollers 3 4 6 6 7
R. Ram 6 6 2 3 5
M. Baghdatis 6 6 6
17 K. Anderson 2 2 2
Hottie Daniel Evans coming out to practice

Hottie Daniel Evans coming out to practice

Hottness Denis Kudla

Hottness Denis Kudla

Colin Fleming....Very nice

Colin Fleming….Very nice

Joao Sousa from Portugal... DELICIOUS with the scruff and all

Joao Sousa from Portugal… DELICIOUS with the scruff and all

Donald Young is always in agony. I think I know of relieving the pain Donald...

Donald Young is always in agony. I think I know of relieving the pain Donald…

Dolgopolov is just a hot mess with that face... He really needs to get active with the ProActiv

Dolgopolov is just a hot mess with that face… He really needs to get active with the ProActiv

I kid you not...Hewitt had the trainer come out on court to wipe his mouth... like WTF is that all about?

I kid you not…Hewitt had the trainer come out on court to wipe his mouth… like WTF is that all about?

OMG did the trainer just come out to deal with his herpes??? Oh MY GOD....

OMG did the trainer just come out to deal with his herpes??? That’s just NASTY….I’m so not playing mixed doubles with him

US Open 2013: Day 1

In Agnes Radwanska, Feliciano Lopez, Francesca Schiavone, Janko Tipsarevic, Jelena Jankovic, Kei Nishikori, Li Na, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Na Li, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Slaone Stephens, Tennis, Tommy Robredo, US Open, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on August 28, 2013 at 6:28 am
US Open 2013 Arthur Ashe Stadium

US Open 2013 Arthur Ashe Stadium

So the US Open 2013 has started and of course, RealzTenisFanz is behind the times. I am not even going to offer up any sort of excuses as to why this blog is not more regularly updated. The truth is that I am not really committed to the cause. As time consuming as this is, if I really want it to go somewhere, I really have to put in the effort and work at it. I should have been working on this ages ago and have it down to a science. There is no doubt that I love tennis and even more so love discussing its issues. However, writing about tennis, even salacious commentary, is very time consuming. I am thinking perhaps I should just have a daily live show. However, you would be able to see my face and that would make me an easy target for these players and we cannot have now, can we? Perhaps I can do puppetry or something like that. All in due time.

Maria Shriekapova Sugapova Sharapova

Maria Shriekapova Sugapova Sharapova

So the US Open begun and I guess the biggest news was that Shriekapova was not going to be at this year’s Open. She pulled out citing the ever reliable excuse “shoulder injury.” She has had a most horrible year if one were looking at this year in terms of mental strength. She got torn apart in the Aussie Open semis by LiNaLi then won Indian Wells I think. However, she got dismantled by the Serenanator in Miami and the hits kept on coming. She has yet to beat the Serenanator since 2004 or even come close to beating her and that Miami final was crushing. She lost 10 straight games after being up 6-4 and serving for a 4-2 lead. She made her way back to the French Open final and was merely at the mercy of the Serenanator. At Wimbledon, she showed herself to be a gossip monger and all that backfired when she lost in the 2nd round to some virtual no name Portuguese player.

So I don't know what's going on in my life but I think my problems are close at hand

So what had happened was that I was up in the match and then I woke up eating a bagel in the 3rd set. I completely blacked out. So no I do not remember the Miami incident

The summer thereafter was not so kind. Talk of her being “mentally unstable” ensued in the tennis blogosphere (I for one do not question her sanity. I just question her life choices) and she parted with her coach. She picked up a new one, Jimmy Connors….yeah that Jimmy Connors. Now I heard one BBC commentator put it something like this, “I didn’t think Jimmy knew anything about the women’s game other than perhaps dating Chrissie [Chris Evert].” This partnership did not last longer than “Ms. Janey’s fire” (My mother always say this. I don’t know who Ms. Janey is but apparently, her fires never stay lit.) Maria and Jimmy parted ways after she lost in 3 sets to Sloane Stephens in the 2nd round of Cincinnati. Yep, she won one match this summer. Poor Maria! And on top of all this, she wanted to change her name to Sugapova for the Open. Maria, in the words of the Sassy Gay Friend, “Look at your life! Look at your choices!”

2013 Wimbledon Champ Marian Bartoli

2013 Wimbledon Champ Marian Bartoli

Anyway, Shriekapova is not here (the ESPN tea is beside themselves because who are they going to talk about) and then before all this, Marian Bartoli 28 years old, 2013 Wimbledon champion claimed to have retired from tennis after being bounced early in Montreal I think it was. She said that her body hurt. I mean, I am not trying to be mean here but are we really surprised by this announcement? Look at Bartoli’s body coupled with those insane training regiments that Walter had her doing; I am surprised that she has not had far more serious injuries. However, not the take is that she might not have actually retired because she has not asked the WTA/ITF (International Tennis Federation) to remove her from the rankings. I think she is trying to avoid the pressure one gets having won their maiden major a la Petra Kvitova, Francesca Schiavone, Ana Ivanovic, LiNaLi and others. Anyway, we are not really checking for Marian and whether she is present or not, it does not change the price of eggs because the major will play on.

This is Bartoli at her athletic peak.

This is Bartoli at her athletic peak.

I am not going to take a pick and say who will because things can be very topsy-turvy in the women’s game. I mean, Marian Bartoli won Wimbledon convincingly. Nonetheless, all of the other players are here, Venus and Serena, Vickie Azarenka, Aga Radwanska, Sam Stosur, Petra Kvitova (in body, big as it is, though we question if her spirit is still around) and the other lot of ladies trying to win this million dollar plus purse.

The Serenanator is all dressed for business out here

The Serenanator is all dressed for business out here

The Serenanator is again looking in fine form. Since 2011, she has been coming into the Open in tip top shape and she has an amazing record for the year, 50 and 4 losses. Since working with Patrick M (I cannot spell his last name and I am too lazy to copy and paste it right now), She has had 99 wins and 5 losses in just over a year. Now forgive me for sounding rather crude here but if the rumours are true and they are in fact a couple, Serena gurl, give this man whatever he wants in the bedroom…front and back. The price of your “P” off court is small compared to the payout you have been getting on court.  And I have to say that the Serenanator’s game has really matured. She has better court coverage, MORE patient, better groundstrokes including that forehand wing and just overall a more effective game. Patrick M has yet to teach her how to do a drop shot but that is okay, we cannot have it all.

The Serenanator is ready for these championships

The Serenanator is ready for these championships

Coming off a disappointing Wimbledon, she lost once and to Vickie. This is her 2nd lost to the Belarusian on hardcourt this season and the last one came after she dominated the 1st set and also served for the match in the 3rd. It was a repeat of the 2012 US Open final but only this time, Vickie came out on top. However, this takes the pressure off the American and hopefully “Laquanda” does not show up. Interestingly enough, the Serenanator has not really found her stride with her serving this summer. It is very alarming because she is still dominating but she will need it for this championship. The hardcourts of New York can be very brutal and cheap points are needed.

My perennial fav Venus Ebony Starr Williams

My perennial fav Venus Ebony Starr Williams giving you grandmother upholstery realness

So enough with all this silly talk: What went on yesterday? Well you know my perennial favourite, Venus Williams was in action against the 12th seed Kirsten Flipkens, 2012 Wimbledon semi-finalist. Flipkens beat Venus several weeks ago in Montreal in what basically ruined my birthday. However, yesterday, there was no mucking about from the American over the Belgian. 6-1 6-2. She was on her like white on rice. Aga Radwanska also had a similar scoreline against her opponent. The Serenanator was beyond clinical yesterday, she was surgical. She was really going after Schiavone, 2010 French Open champ, in an attempt at a double bagel. In the first point of the match, the American just flicked her racquet and that ball was arrivederci. She is not mucking about here because Schiavone can be a very tricky player especially when given an inch and she has the stamina of a racehorse. However, yesterday, she was decimated on the court. She had to solicit a hug from one of the ballpeople. Fanz, it was a brutal beatdown for the Italian, one she is unlikely to forget.

Say a lil prayer me! I need love love...

Say a lil prayer me! I need love love…

Thanks Frankie for the nice evening warm up. Gurl you know I had to finish you off quickly because this hair cannot get wet

Thanks Frankie for the nice evening warm up. Gurl you know I had to finish you off quickly because this hair cannot get wet

Sloane Stephens came through a tough 3 setter with a final set tiebreak. She has already put it out there that she does not have much faith in her doing well at the open. 8th seed Angelique Kerber won as did 9th seed Jankovic. Check out the ladies results below to see whether your favourites are through to the next round. The US Open is having 3 days of 1st round matches with a couple of 2nd round match ups being played on Wednesday. Do not ask me the logic for this madness. I do not know why they just do not play on the 1st Sunday.

 

 

E.   Makarova

6

   6
P.   Hercog

2

4

8

A.   Kerber

6

 

6

L.   Hradecka

1

1

M.   Johansson

3

1

B.   Mattek-Sands

6

 

6

1

S.   Williams

6

 

6

F.   Schiavone

0

1

K.   Pliskova

6

4

5

E.   Bouchard

4

 

6

7

G.   Voskoboeva

6

 

6

M.   Niculescu

4

3

9

J.   Jankovic

6

 

6

M. Keys

3

4

E.   Cabeza Candela

1

4

A.   Barty

6

 

6

K. Nara

6

 

6

A.   Cadantu

2

2

P.   Ormaechea

6

 

79

K.   Date-Krumm

3

67

M. Puig

4

 

6

5

A.   Kleybanova

6

3

7

 

 

 

K.   Mladenovic

6

1

6

A.   Medina Garrigues

1

 

6

1

15

S.   Stephens

4

 

6

77

M.   Minella

6

3

65

I. Begu

1

3

U.   Radwanska

6

 

6

K.   Bertens

1

3

J.   Zheng

6

 

6

32

A. Pavlyuchenkova

7

 

6

V.   Razzano

5

0

You are gone Nishikori and yeah you have been forgotten. Ain't nobody was checking for you

You are gone Nishikori and yeah you have been forgotten. Ain’t nobody was checking for you

On the men’s side, things were also pretty routine with the only upset of Kei Nishikori, the 11th seed, to British Dan Evans. But truth of the matter, we were not even checking on Nishikori though a 1st round exit was totally unexpected. I guess we can also call the 27th seed, Fernando Verdasco’s loss to Ivan Dodig another upset. However, considering how he has been playing for the past couple of years, we are gonna withhold the use of that word. It goes without saying that Divadal has been unstoppable at the hardcourt tournaments this year. He has risen back up to No 2 and the knee is still going strong. Other than that inexplicable 1st round exit at Wimbledon, he has made it to all of his tournament finals and only lost two of them. He has 9 titles already this year including a historic 8th French Open title. As always, he comes back from “injury” and just goes on a tear. No one is questioning these remarkable “comebacks” It is all being put down to great genetics etc. Divadal has not had any kinda surgery for this “tender knee” yet he goes back on court and does the same exact thing that allegedly got him and his knee in trouble. It is not my implication that the Spaniard is on drugs. It is just my assertion that the information provided from the Nadal camp does not add up in the least. Nonetheless, the Spaniard is coasting right now because he has no points to defend from last year. He is merely collecting free points at this stage of the game. Anyhow, he totally dominated Ryan Harrison today making that boy look like amateur hour. There will be a couple of those shots that I am sure made it into the highlight reel on ESPN today.

There is "Kneedal" at it again

There is “Kneedal” at it again

Other winners include Fiery Ferrer, Tommy Robredo, Tipsarevic and Davydenko. Mr. Federer’s match was postponed because of rain and the USTA decided to have an hour long pageantry in lieu of playing tennis. These people are the worst organizers ever. They pay more attention to the huge sponsors than to the needs of the players. Anyway, check out the men’s scoreline below. I do apologize for the late affair but PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO SUPPORT RealzTenisFanz

So before we had any tennis on Monday night, we had to do this...

So before we had any tennis on Monday night, we had to do this…

Then this... He's still making music?? Why??

Then this… He’s still making music?? Why??

And all this too

And all this too

And then finally this... WAY WAY WAY TOO MUCH USTA... How about we have this on Saturday night.. Before the open starts

And then finally this… WAY WAY WAY TOO MUCH USTA… How about we have this on Saturday night.. Before the open starts

S. Giraldo

3

6

78

C. Berlocq

6

3

66

 

19

T. Robredo

6

66

6

M. Matosevic

3

78

3

 

R. Dutra Silva

4

3

711

V. Pospisil

6

6

69

 

 

4

D. Ferrer

7

6

6

N. Kyrgios

5

3

2

R. Haase

65

6

5

F. Dancevic

77

3

7

 R. Bautista Agut

6

6

6

T. Bellucci

3

2

2

A. Kuznetsov

62

3

77

4

D. Sela

77

6

62

6

 

 

 

 

18

J. Tipsarevic

6

65

6

P. Cuevas

3

77

3

2

R. Nadal

6

6

6

R. Harrison

4

2

2

27

F. Verdasco

3

5

6

3

I. Dodig

6

7

1

6

 

 

 

 

R. Williams

3

6

6

0

N. Davydenko

6

4

1

6

 

 

 

30

E. Gulbis

6

2

6

4

A. Haider-Maurer

3

6

1

6

 

 

 

K. De Schepper

77

2

60

B. Klahn

65

6

77

M. Kukushkin

6

77

7

A. Martin

4

62

5

 S. Robert

6

6

6

A. Olivetti

3

3

4

THE BIG PICTURE SHOW

From a nottie...

From a nottie…

To a hottie.. I cannot get over how much wonders make up can achieve!!!

To a hottie.. I cannot get over how much wonders make up can achieve!!!

How this concept

How this concept

Turned into this tragedy is beyond me... Venus take this crap out pronto!!!

Turned into this tragedy is beyond me… Venus take this crap out pronto!!!

What the hell is this??

What the hell is this??

And you went all out with these nails too?? Is this your version of a lady's mid life crisis?

And you went all out with these nails too?? Is this your version of a lady’s mid life crisis?

Sloane is giving you Stepford Wives face right now

Sloane is giving you Stepford Wives face right now

Yes Jesus you continue to guide Dan Evans at these championships... guide him to my home as well Lord.

Yes Jesus you continue to guide Dan Evans at these championships… guide him to my home as well Lord.

And FeFe Lopez you can bend over for me any time you want

And FeFe Lopez you can bend over for me any time you want

Is the fashion world going to convict Stella McCartney for fashion atrocities or do I have to get the World Fashion Court involved? What the flying fercuque is this getup? Why is the Danish Biscuit allowing herself to be dressed like a girl clown?

Is the fashion world going to convict Stella McCartney for fashion atrocities or do I have to get the World Fashion Court involved? What the flying fercuque is this getup? Why is the Danish Biscuit allowing herself to be dressed like a girl clown?

Wimbledon 2013: Day 3 Wild, Whacky and Weird Wimbledon

In Andy Murray, Dustin Brown, Jelena Jankovic, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Petra Kvitova, Roger Federer, Sports Blog, Steve Darcis, Tennis, Victoria Azarenka, Wimbledon on June 27, 2013 at 6:17 am

I woke up for Day 3 of Wimbledon all excited because mainly Mr. Federer would be playing. Unfortunately, I had to work which annoys the shit out of me. That I am not working professionally in the tennis/writing/journalism field is utter MADNESS!. Nonetheless, I gotta eat and pay rent and hence got to put in my face at a place where I am sure they have grown tired of seeing it altogether. So if any of you fanz know of decent work with pays well, drop me a line.

I am so serious about this!

I am so serious about this!

Anyway, I digress. So Day 3 of Wimbledon started and there has been no signs of rain, which is quite unbelievable at this point. So before I left for work I was watching the Lleyton Hewitt v Dustin Brown match. Now you know Hewitt took out the 11th seed Wawrinka to find himself in the 2nd round. Brown was in the 2nd round of a major which I am almost certain is very very new to him. This was the 1st match up on Court 2 if I am not mistaken. Anyway, I was watching and Brown was winning against Hewitt. Now this was bizarre though I was enjoying it. Hewitt was the last non Federer/Nadal/Djoker winner of Wimbledon back in 2002 and here was being schooled by Dustin Brown who can barely win a tournament on the Challenger level.

Bruce+Forsyth+wife+Royal+box+Day+3+Wimbledon+etuAUpWBg7Al

You do not even know how unusual this sight is

For those of you who do not follow me on Twitter, last year Brown and I got into a bit of a “spat” on the social media forum. Last year Wimbledon, Brown played David Ferrer in the 1st round and lost in STRAIGHT SETS. He never had a set point but if I am not mistaken, “DreddyTennis” took Ferrer to like 5-7 in a couple of the sets. This was seemingly a routine win for Ferrer. However, DreddyTennis (that’s his Twitter handle) took to TimeLine to be carrying on like he almost won the match and could have had a deep run at Wimbledon as Ferrer struggled somewhat through the rounds. Some fools, I suspect his close friends, were all like “You could have gone far in this tournament, look at how Ferrer lost etc” I could check the record but Brown is not really worth fact checking because the truth is, he has done nothing.

Nuff said

Nuff said

Now you know me, I had to keep it Realz and shut this shite down quick. I follow him on Twitter because I have to admit he at times seem an interesting fellow being all half Jamaican/half German and all. So I quietly told Mr. Dreddy Tennis to pump his brakes because he did not win the match or even a set, so he needed to stop with the hyperbolic bullshit on the airwaves. Dreddy Tennis also has this very annoying habit of retweeting any and all comments posted on his TimeLine. Now I admit, I could easily “unfollow” him but I did not and he responded to me. Well you know that just made things more interesting. He imagined me to be some common heckler and did not know my stats or my tennis. He retorted with the basic point of “Well you cannot do better/You’re a hater” some garbage line like that. Really Dreddy? I think we can do better than that. I explained to the Dead Hair and Bones creature that he barely won a match on the tour level, I think he had won one match of the 5 tour level tournaments he got in for the year and we are talking about June 2012. Brown cannot even win a Challenger Level trophy and often unable to qualify for the main draw through the qualifying rounds and he is out there trying to act like he could had a run at Wimbledon. Gurl get your life! Clearly those shit locks are indicative of the crap that is in your head. You know I threw her stats back in her face and informed her that I am in fact a hater but I hate judiciously. I am a fan of his but I am not a fan of his “braggidious bullshit” and he was no “motherfcuking Paszek” who was tearing up the ladies draw at the time. That put a break on his garbage and he came back with some silly lines but he knew I had won that Twitter war.

He has a tongue ring hmmmm

He has a tongue ring hmmmm

Hmmmmm all righty then

Hmmmmm all righty then

Anyhow, here we are in 2013 and he won a match at the major (perhaps his 1st) and he was serving and volleying like Rod Laver out on court. Him getting to the 2nd round was his 1st win of the year on the tour level. He is 7-5 at the challenger level this year. There was a lot of stylish play and Hewitt seemed unable to handle any of Brown’s awesomeness on court. What made matters even worst for Hewitt I am sure was that Brown was “brown” and Hewitt being that ever so lovely cuddly Aussie love everybody was not having a good time. Hewitt had a rather ugly incident in 2002 at the US Open with James Blake/chair umpire and lines judge. Hewitt blatantly accused the linesman of making calls in favour of Blake because they were both black. Oh yeah, he said it and he said it loudly while on court during play. James Blake was unable to win the match to shit the fcuker up but I never forgot that incident as it was just another reason why I am an honorary member of the Hewitt’s Haters Club.

Goodbye mate

Goodbye mate

Anyway, Brown was giving me my revenge today. I have to say that Brown’s plays were par excellence. He could barely do wrong at the net and he was showing great game sense throughout. He won the 1st 2 sets 6-4 6-4 but then played a limped dick 3rd set tiebreaker to drop it 6-7. I left for work at this time but got out of the subway to see that he crushed the Aussie 6-2 in the 4th set. Now, the fact that Brown was so badly beating Hewitt should have registered as an anomaly in my mind but I ignored the signs. I mean Hewitt has been battling injuries for years now and has been struggling to keep his rankings decent these days and Brown is younger and far quicker. However, still Hewitt should have legitimately won this match.

Look at this skinny madness

Look at this skinny madness

Then I checked the scores and say that Ivanovic the Terrible (12) took the court and got dismantled 2-6 2-6. I knew she was way too skinny. Did I mention that Vickie (2) withdrew from the tournament at this time before the start of her 2nd round match? Yes, Vickie was out and so did Tsonga (6) who when I left home was beating Gulbis but subsequently dropped the 2nd and 3rd sets and then retired from the match. Oh yeah, Marin Cilic (10) retired from his match as did John Isner aka BFG (18). Steve Darcis who slayed the giant that is Divadal in the 1st round, withdrew from the tournament before the start of his 2nd round match and then Radek Stepanek retired while playing Jerzy Janowicz (24). Petra Kvitova moved through to the 3rd round as Shvedova withdrew. Then it was a virtual shite show, Danish Biscuit up and got crumbled in straight sets to Petra Cetkovska. I was not really surprised but I mean Danish Biscuit is the 9th seed and you would think that by June, she would have figured her game out by now. She has done much of substance for the year and still in the top 10. That I do not get.

Some of Day 3 results

Some of Day 3 results

Anyway, she was hardly the upset of the day. Maria Shriekapova who was all talk last couple of days, trying to come for the Serenantor. However, she got her @$$ handed to her by some qualifier, Maria De Brito Larcher of Portugal. Now the thing is that Shriekapova does not lose to mignons. She hardly gets bounced early in tournament and here she was getting mowed over on the grass by some no-namer. Funny, I picked the qualifier over Maria because for some reason I knew Maria was not focused. She was far too focused on playing media wars against the Serenanator. But you see, the Serenanator is so generous, she decided to share the Maria Massacres around and let someone else have a go. 6-3 6-4 was the scoreline at the end of the day and Shriekapova will only be shrieking from the sidelines for her “boo” Grigor.

OMG I think I broke it

OMG I think I broke it

Yes I think I really broke it

Yes I think I really broke it

Don't worry. It's just dislocated. I'm putting it back in place so that you can take your beatdown

Don’t worry. It’s just dislocated. I’m putting it back in place so that you can take your beatdown

So what had happened is that it felt like I felt a snap, then a heard a crackle and then it just popped out of place.

So what had happened is that it felt like I felt a snap, then a heard a crackle and then it just popped out of place.

I mean it was utter madness all over but yet I ignored all of this and felt confident that my man Mr. Federer was going to win against this Sergiy Stakhovsky of Ukraine. I mean after all this was the 2nd round and who the hell was this Stakhovsky?

Mr. Federer has entered the arena

Mr. Federer has entered the arena

But you know there is a very famous saying at Realz that we always say, “The game is won and lost on the field NOT on paper” And Mr. Federer lost. I could not believe this. What was even worse was that I was at work dealing with people’s nonsensical bullshit and not at home cheering on my man. I was madder than a hatter. I was breathing fire and ready to blaze whoever crossed my path. 7-6 6-7 5-7 6-7 was how my Mr. Federer went out in the 2nd round which ended the streak of 36 consecutive major quarterfinals or better. I was crushed and most certainly devastated. This was his earliest exit from a major since 2003 if I am not mistaken.

Sergiy S

Sergiy Stakhovsky

And Mr. Federer is quietly leaving the arena

And Mr. Federer is quietly leaving the arena

In the press conference, Mr. Federer was in good spirits. He did not cry. He mentioned that this streak was much the talk of the press and they made the mistake of already writing Divadal and him into the quarterfinals, which he noted was a bit disrespectful of the other guys on tour. He said he is far from retiring. I am being greedy in always wanting Mr. Federer to win tournaments. The fact of the matter is that Mr. Federer has done A LOT and he need not do anything else to prove that he is the greatest of all time. His records and contribution to the game both on and off the court are astounding and I need not have him win his 8th Wimbledon crown to feel better about the matter. I am not going complain if he wins but I am not going to beat up myself about his loss. I thank you Mr. Federer for everything! Furthermore, we got to the 2nd round and won a set in our defeat. That is far more than Divadal can say for this year. Thank God for small miracles.

How do I feel?

How do I feel?

Of course I feel sad. I love Wimbledon and I do not even know who the fcuk this Stakhovsky guy is and I lost to him. No Bueno...muy muy mal today

Of course I feel sad. I love Wimbledon and I do not even know who the fcuk this Stakhovsky guy is and I lost to him. No Bueno…muy muy mal today

Any upside to this lost besides more time with the family

Any upside to this lost besides more time with the family

I won a match here at Wimbledon and a set in my loss... a lot more than Divadal can say for his efforts

I won a match here at Wimbledon and a set in my loss… a lot more than Divadal can say for his efforts

Anyway, it was not all topsy turvy on the day. Tabasco Verdasco caused an upset of sorts when he knocked out Julian Benneteau (31) in straight sets. Lochness Monster Murray (2) avoided the upset bug and moved through to the 3rd round comfortably in straight sets. Nicolas Almagro (15) will join his countryman Tommy Robredo (32) in the 3rd round. Other winners include Mikhail Youzhny (20), Juan Monaco (22) Benoit Paire (25), Jurgen Melzer. On the ladies’ side, Bartoli (15) Sloane Stephens (17), Carla Suarez-Navarro (19) and Alize Cornet (29) are all through to the 3rd round. Stephens took out Andrea Petkovic 8-6 in the 3rd set. Petkovic is trying to find her way back into form on tour but has had a string of bad luck injuries. Monica Puig of Puerto Rico continues her good By way of upsets, Bojana Jovanovski, Jelena Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic (16) and Sorana Cirstea (22) were all bounced from the tournament. I would only miss Bojana.

None of her fivehead could help her out on court today

None of her fivehead could help her out on court today

Lady Gollum cannot find precious out on court

Lady Gollum cannot find precious out on court

I see Carla is giving me a touch more femininity this time around...

I see Carla is giving me a touch more femininity this time around…

Ah... scratch that... it's El Nino as usual

Ah… scratch that… it’s El Nino as usual

WTF Sloane? WTMFF is this getup?

WTF Sloane? WTMFF is this getup?

Jazzercise!! Yeah m'am

Jazzercise!! Yeah m’am

What do you mean there's no injury time out for broken vagina??

What do you mean there’s no injury time out for broken vagina??

We're just chilling out here today

We’re just chilling out here today

Here these ladies are showing us how to get off while on court very discreetly and with simple tools at hand; the water bottle and the racquet

Here these ladies are showing us how to get off while on court very discreetly and with simple tools at hand; the water bottle and the racquet

2013 Wimbledon Day 1

In Andrea Petkovic, Andreas Seppi, Andy Murray, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Fernando Verdasco, Flavia Pennetta, French Open, Grigor Dimitrov, James Blake, Jelena Jankovic, John Isner, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sam Stosur, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Stanislav Wawrinka, Steve Darcis, Victoria Azarenka, Wimbledon on June 25, 2013 at 4:58 am
Please forgive me

Please forgive me

Welcome my fanz. Let me apologize for not finishing up the French Open coverage by posting pieces on the semis and finals of the tournament. I mean what can I say, I was definitely over the French Open at that stage. The semis were all kinda lacklustre especially since Djoker came up limp against Divadal. He can be such a loser. Serenanator just simply dismantled Errani and surprisingly so did David Ferrer against Tsonga. Shriekapova had a tough time against Vickie but as per the norm, she can handle Vickie on the clay. Anyway, no surprise in the end, Divadal and the Serenanator won the singles titles and quite comfortably too; both in straight sets.

Divadal won his 8th French Open title

Divadal won his 8th French Open title

The Serenantor captured her 2nd French title and 16th major

The Serenantor captured her 2nd French title and 16th major

There might be a lot to say about the French Open in the end but really and truly, I rather not because it will only be the same ole rhetoric especially on the men’s side. Very proud of David Ferrer for getting to a major finals. Particularly impressed that it was the French Open where he made his maiden final. And besides, I am so over the French.

Getting the grass ready

Getting the grass ready

Anyway so Wimbledon 2013 is here and I guess this one will be marked my far more circumstances off the court than on the court. The lineup all remained the same with the usual suspects all in tow. Divadal is seeded 5th. Now everyone and their grandmother has been weighing in on this matter and many felt that the committee should have given Divadal a boost but really does it matter? This is Rafael “Freaking” Nadal we are talking about. He could destroy the field whether he is ranked 100 or 1. And with his 5th place seeding, he will not face any of the top guys till the quarters, in this draw it would be Mr. Federer. So I hardly see what the deal is with this. Furthermore, Divadal skipped like 7 months from the tour and lost last year in the 2nd round. WTF does he expect them to do, tell him to pick his place? Divadal should get to the quarters at the very least and it is not like he is afraid of Mr. Federer. The people talking about this are simply looking for something to talk about.

Enough about this silly talk about Divadal being seeded 5th

Enough about this silly talk about Divadal being seeded 5th

Anyway, on the women’s side, it is Serenanator and Shriekapova’s drama that is heating up the courts. Now much of it is hardly worth mentioning because it is clearly rumour mongers trying to stir up some trouble. The women’s game hardly needs fiction to stir things up but it seems that since the Serenanator has kept her nose clean since 2009/2011 US Open, people are still on her case looking for trouble by trying to tickle the dragon.

Wait we aren't here to talk about my weave??

Wait we aren’t here to talk about my weave?? You’re joking right??

So the rumour is that the Serenanator was allegedly talking to Venus via telephone. In the other room (if I have the story correctly) was a reporter from the Rolling Stones  that was conducting an interview with the Serenanator. The reporter overheard a partial one-sided conversation and reported that the following was said by the Serenanator: “top-five player who is now in love … begins every interview with ‘I’m so happy. I’m so lucky’ — it’s so boring. She’s still not going to be invited to the cool parties. And, hey, if she wants to be with the guy with a black heart, go for it.” The reporter then noted that  an “educated guess” would surmised that ReRe is talking about Maria and Grigor. Supposedly, ReRe was going out with Grigor at one point albeit no one has noted when and where exactly this point was. I personally find this impossible to believe but stranger things have happened.

She can take this and run with it

She can take this and run with it

Shriekapova in her press conference retorted with this bit when asked about the matter: “At the end of the day, we have a tremendous amount of respect for what we do on the court. I just think she should be talking about her accomplishments, her achievements, rather than everything else that’s just getting attention and controversy. If she wants to talk about something personal, maybe she should talk about her relationship and her boyfriend that was married and is getting a divorce and has kids. Talk about other things, but not draw attention to other things. She has so much in her life, many positives, and I think that’s what it should be about.”

Now again, there was no mention of Maria’s name in the conversation nor did the reporter ask Serena to clarify who she was talking about. Mainly because she was not talking to him. Nonetheless, he choose to report what is tantamount to be gossip. Anyway, the Serenanator apologized to Maria personally stating that assumptions were made on the matter and that she is sorry that Maria got brought into the situation inadvertently. Now before I go any further, I have to clear up that I am not Maria’s biggest fan but I do respect her tenacity on court. I am particularly keen on how she takes a beating from the Serenanator and come out every single match up as though she could really hurt the American. However, I just want to zero in on some key points of Maria’s speech. AGAIN let me be clear, there is NO evidence that Serena was talking about Maria. ZERO. Nonetheless, Maria chose to air Serena’s business out to the public as though she was spreading the gospel. But I am not even dealing with that one at this point.

Maria you cannot win this fight!

Maria you cannot win this fight!

Maria said, ” At the end of the day, we have a tremendous amount of respect for what we do on the court. Gurl ain’t no one really respect your game on court okay. Let’s be clear on that.  I just think she should be talking about her accomplishments, her achievements, rather than everything else that’s just getting attention and controversy. Now if the Serenanator gets in the press conference and talk about how she be beating your @$$ all year long and not to mention over the past 9 years, you’d get real bad. She should talk about how you got destroyed in Miami; up a set and a break, 3-2 in the 2nd set, you lost 10 straight games. You wanna talk about that?? If she wants to talk about something personal, maybe she should talk about her relationship and her boyfriend that was married and is getting a divorce and has kids. Talk about other things, but not draw attention to other things. How about we talk about the fact that Grigor is more than likely an undercover brother and that he’s straight like spaghetti…when cooked. She has so much in her life, many positives, and I think that’s what it should be about.” She is very positive that she will be beating your @$$ next time she meets you on court. Apparently she was too generous with you at the French. Therefore next time it is business as usual. Buttered bagels and breadsticks. You have short term memory. You forgot 2012 Olympic final: 6-0 6-1. Gurl, get your life!

Vickie almost broke her knee

Vickie almost broke her knee

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. So let’s just get to the real meat of the matter. The Tennis:
Maria (3) won her match against a young up and coming Frenchwoman Mladenovic in straight sets 7-6 6-3. Mladenovic has a lot more to learn on tour though but she has a really good serve. 2nd seed Vickie won her match comfortably but in pain. She nearly “broke her knee” and her future in this tournament might be in jeopardy. She came back after the injury and in tears to take the match 6-1 6-2. It was so funny to watch my Twitter feed as people were losing their minds over how crazy Vickie’s opponent was. She was hitting the ball back to Vickie instead of trying to make her run from side to side. I know Bratzwanska must have been screaming with rage at the sight of Vickie calling out the trainer and then playing “fit as a fiddle” afterwards. Vickie and Bratzwanska use to be best friends but a similar incident happened in early 2012 that sent Aga B to be screaming in the press conference and thus ended a friendship. It certainly did not end her losing streak against Vickie though and I for one am happy for that.

Help! Help! I can't get up

Help! Help! I can’t get up

Anyway, other winners of the day on the ladies side include 12th seed Ana Ivanovic aka Ivanovic the Terrible who won over Razzano 7-6 6-0. Now I have to add her that I saw Ana’s “new look” and she is way too skinny. Ever since winning the 2008 French Open, she has been yo-yoing on her weight like Oprah back in the days. She is floating between anorexic and healthy if you ask me. Right now, she is definitely leaning towards the, “I need a cookie smothered with cream STAT!” Anywho, Kvitova aka GHW (8) struggled past American Coco Vandeweghe. Meanwhile, 5th seed Sara Errani got bounced in the 1st round by Puerto Rican, Monica Puig. Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit won her match in straight sets but I for one am not holding out hope that she is in good form and will make a decent run here at Wimbledon. Bartoli (15) and her countrywoman Cornet (29) also went through to the 2nd round as did Fivehead JungleWitch Jankovic (16) Lady Gollum Safarova (27), Sorana Cirstea (22), Flipkens (20), and Sloane Stephens (17) who won over fellow American Jaime Hampton. I think Hampton was exhausted after making it to her 1st WTA final last week in Eastbourne. She lost to Vesnina. Other winners of interest are Andrea Petkovic who received a wild card into the tournament, Bojana Jovanovski, American Christina McHale and Flavia Pennetta.

Dulko and hubby at their wedding

Dulko and hubby at their wedding

Oh yeah, if I am not mistaken, Pennetta’s former doubles partner, Gisela Dulko of Argentina recently gave birth to a baby recently. Apparently she retired from the tour and got married to an Argentine footballer. Good for her. And while we are on the subject of pregnancy. Look who is also expecting….

I know! I don't even know where to file this bit of information

I know! I don’t even know where to file this bit of information

Anyway onto the men. There is little to be said that the news of the day was Divadal’s early round exit from the tournament. Divadal a 2 time champion and 5 time finalist got stick by Belgian Steven Darcis (You don’t pronounce the s thus Darsee) 7-6 7-6 6-4. Darcis played really remarkable and he held his own throughout. He was not about to let Divadal get away with murder. He had a one handed backhand which Divadal was treating with this same disdain and contempt that he holds for the Mr. Federer’s unemployed backhand. However, Darcis’ backhand was paying dividend as it was getting traction especially the slice backhand. Divadal could not deal and resorted to defending which was not helping much as he was always on the back foot and unable to create winning opportunities for himself. All in all, this lost should not come as any real surprise. Divadal had to have a let down at some point. He went off tour for 7 months but came back with a vengeance. He made the finals of all 8/9 tournaments he entered and only failing to win twice plus he retained his French Open crown for a record 8th win at a single major. WTF should his fanz be complaining about?

His head gone bad. Didn't know what to do

His head gone bad. Didn’t know what to do

Darcis stuck to the game plan: Get 2nd round prize money

Darcis stuck to the game plan: Get 2nd round prize money

Adios amigo

Adios amigo

The ball children were so excited that Divadal is out. They no longer have to be behind him as he pick his drawers.

The ball children were so excited that Divadal is out. They no longer have to be behind him as he pick his drawers.

Anyway, Divadal was hardly the only men’s seed to fall out, 11th seed Stan Wawrinka lost to Hewitt in straight sets, 14th seed Janko Douchsaravic lost to fellow countryman Troicki, 30th seed Fognini lost to Jurgen Melzer. Divadal’s vanquisher from last year’s Wimbledon, Lukas Rosol lost in the 1st round too. Besides this, most of the usual suspect made it through to the 2nd round.(3) Mr. Federer 6-3 6-2 6-0 over Victor Hanescu, (2)Lochness Monster also in straight sets over Becker,  (10) Cilic is through as are (6) Tsonga, (24) Jerzy Janowicz, (18) BFG Isner, (25) Benoit Paire, (22) Juan Monaco and 32nd seed Tommy Robredo. Other notable winners were Ernest Gulbis and Dustin Brown of Germany/Jamaica.

Mr. Federer in supreme form

Mr. Federer in supreme form

I would really like to know the hair products that Verdasco Tabasco puts into his hair

I would really like to know the hair products that Verdasco Tabasco puts into his hair

Meanwhile, I wish someone put some products in this one's hair

Meanwhile, I wish someone put some products in this one’s hair

As for Dustin Brown's hair....no comment at this time

As for Dustin Brown’s hair….no comment at this time

He definitely needs some products...more than likely Rogaine

He definitely needs some products…more than likely Rogaine

I think Vickie is channeling Grace Jones today

I think Vickie is channeling Grace Jones today

My 5th head says there will be no rain today

My 5th head says there will be no rain today

Ana you are as thin as a sheet of paper

Ana you are as thin as a sheet of paper

I don't even want to see the rest of this picture because I know I would be scarred for life

I don’t even want to see the rest of this picture because I know I would be scarred for life

Dude, Listerine! like seriously, don't be breathing into my face...

Dude, Listerine! like seriously, don’t be breathing into my face…

Divadal, why is your hand by my ass??

Divadal, why is your hand by my ass??

Hopefully you made it all the way down here because I have a lil segment I wanted to interject into this First posting of Wimbledon 2013. So after all this Serena/Maria/Grigor bit, I decided to do a lil research and scour those places and speak to my sources to get you my Realz fanz the realz deal. So here’s the dealio.

Last year Shriekapova was dating some basketball player who left the NBA for Europe during lockout. They were engaged!

Last year Shriekapova was dating some basketball player who left the NBA for Europe during lockout. They were engaged!

Then according to rumour, Shriekapova got dumped or dumped Sascha after he done did knocked up some girl

Then according to rumour, Shriekapova got dumped or dumped Sascha after he done did knocked up some girl

Anywho, at the Olympics it might be, Serenanator and Grigor struck up a friendship

Anywho, at the Olympics it might be, Serenanator and Grigor struck up a friendship

And perhaps things got a lil carried away. I can hardly blame her. She had a lot of time on her hand seeing as she was dismantling the field but something went awry...

And perhaps things got a lil carried away. I can hardly blame her. She had a lot of time on her hand seeing as she was dismantling the field but something went awry…

I think the Serenanator figured something was not on the straight and narrow so she let this one go

I think the Serenanator figured something was not on the straight and narrow so she let this one go

She allegedly went on to greener pastures

She allegedly went on to greener pastures

Oooo kay....

Oooo kay….

And Grigor and Maria found each other

And Grigor and Maria found each other

Love they say... but ladies, never ever let your man and you leave the house and he looks better than you.... NEVER

Love they say… but ladies, never ever let your man and you leave the house and he looks better than you…. NEVER

Can you spot the invisible handbag like I can??

Can you spot the invisible handbag like I can??

Need I say more about the matter of the man being better dressed than the lady

Need I say more about the matter of the man being better dressed than the lady

Hmmm

But then I stumbled upon these pictures…. Hmmm

Hmmmm

Hmmmm

All right... I am not saying a word about this

All right… I am not saying a word about this …. Gurl you need to slow your roll… I don’t get down like that

Don’t forget, it is only rumour if you spread it okay!!!

French Open 2013: The Quarterfinals

In David Ferrer, French Open, Jelena Jankovic, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Maria Kirilenko, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tommy Haas, Tommy Robredo, Victoria Azarenka on June 6, 2013 at 8:33 am

I believe that I am now in a better place to talk about the quarterfinals match-up today.

He got punched in the face! It was a tough day for everyone

He got punched in the face! It was a tough day for everyone

By way of the ladies, it was a combination of 2 dog fights; Serenanator v Kuzi-Rex and Shriekapova v Fivehead JungleWitch and 2 tough 2 setters; Errani v Bratzwanska and Vickie v Krazilenko. I think all around, the women’s quarterfinals saw better tennis than the men’s. Just my opinion. Nonetheless, the ladies’ matches would not get the praise it deserves.

Kuzi-Rex is really trying to come for me

Kuzi-Rex is really trying to come for me

I did not get to see much of the Errani v Bratzwanska match but I am really proud of Errani because this is about the 1st time she has been a top 4/5 player I think and she did so in straight sets. She held her nerves. I think she is becoming a player who is reliable and not about to be beaten by a player unless you have uncommon skills. She is not a power player and not necessarily the most crafty but she has a really nice combination and always willing to be “Ms. 1st Runner-Up” That is, if any of the other ladies get knocks out/injured/disappears/self destructs etc, she is ready and able to snag a major or two. She is out here to defend her points from last year and Aga was not going to stop that from happening 6-4 7-6.

It will be a repeat of the US Open semis 2012

It will be a repeat of the US Open semis 2012

Serena v Sveta was interesting in that in the 1st set, it was all Serenanator 6-1. Kuzi took a break before the 2nd set and then she came out firing. She directed everything to the Serenanator’s forehand and the Russian’s forehand was beating it like a horse. Kuzi is an athlete and she was just all over the place getting in the Serenanator’s face. It was all the American could do to have won 3 games in that 2nd set 6-3 Kuzi. In the 3rd set, the demons the Serenanator was fighting were finally vanquished and she got her life together. After being down 0-2 at the start of the 3rd set, she just snatched the next 5 games. Kuzi served to stay in the match but could not break ReRe to delay her defeat. Serenanator 6-1 3-6 6-3

Who does this itch think she is bageling me? WTF? WTMFF?

Who does this itch think she is bageling me? WTF? WTMFF?

Anyway, the semifinal match up with see Shriekapova v Vickie. Shriekapova lost the 1st set to Fivehead 0-6. It was incredible because Shriekapova does not eat bagel from just about anyone. Anyway, she fought her way back into the match to take the next 2 sets 6-4 6-3. Shriekapova 0-6 6-4 6-3. I have to say that Maria is a very very tough customer. I really do admire her fight more than her tennis ability. She works extremely hard out there and no one is going to beat her unless you come up with your absolute best. So she is in the semis for a 3rd time. This is perhaps her best major yet LOL. Vickie also had a tough time against Krazilenko but was able to close it out 7-5 6-2. In the end, Krazilenko proved to be too inconsistent/unsteady of the two.

Impressive but this isn't gymnastics; this is tennis

Impressive but this isn’t gymnastics; this is tennis

And down she goes

And down she goes

That scream is giving me a monster headache

That scream is giving me a monster headache

Au revoir gurl!! I have a date with another Maria

Au revoir gurl!! I have a date with another Maria

Who will win the semis for the ladies… Hmmm the Serenanator is strongly favoured over Errani but it is definitely a toss up between Shriekapova v Vickie. It is hard to say who has the edge. Although it would be a far more competitive final if it is the Serenanator v Vickie. Any other combination would be a romping shack!.

It was all about Tsonga on that day

It was all about Tsonga on that day

Not even... perhaps you need to pull down the shorts as well to see if anything changes

Not even… perhaps you need to pull down the shorts as well to see if anything changes

This doesn't impress me much as it use to

This doesn’t impress me much as it use to

Not impressed at all

Not impressed at all

As for the men’s quarterfinals, what can I really say. Mr. Federer lost to Tsonga again. I could not believe in and in straight sets at that. As a matter of fact, all of the men’s quarterfinals matches were decided in straight sets and of the 12 sets played, only 1 was a tirebreaker. Very interesting. Anyway, I left Mr. Federer up 4-2 before I was called away at work to talk about a stapler. I kid you not, a bloody stapler. I sat in a meeting with two managers for over an hour for a frigging stapler. No I did not steal one, or throw one or destroy one or even lose one. I simply told someone, they could not have one. Apparently that was not being “supportive” My work place is worthy of a Realz blog. However, I digress. What really got to me was as they were going on about this freaking stapler, my main man, Mr. Federer was being pummeled by Baby Ali. When I came out of this ridiculous meeting, I checked the score to find out that Mr. Federer was already sent home packing. You know I wanted to do something crazy with a stapler right then and there. I could not deal! Anyway, I have to take this lost like every other lost of Mr. Federer. I have to take it in stride and look at the big picture. I am happy for Tsonga; as happy as I could be when his victory means my defeat. He is a hard worker and he deserves to win some big matches. However, it should not always be at my Mr. Federer’s expense. Therefore, they have to put this frigger in another part of the draw. He is really mucking up plans for Mr. Federer. Tsonga 7-5 6-3 6-3

Thanks for coming to my early morning practice Tommy. I really appreciate it

Thanks for coming to my early morning practice Tommy. I really appreciate it

In the other quarters on that day, Fiery Ferrer v Robredo and no surprise there that Robredo did not have a leg to stand on.  Ferrer just dismantled him 6-2 6-1 6-1; a two piece with 2 breadsticks. So it will be Tsonga v Ferrer and the interesting thing is that neither of them really stand a chance of winning the title. It is crazy to think that but it is the near truth of the matter because looming in the final would either be Divadal or Djoker. Divadal just crushed Stan in his quarterfinals match up 6-2 6-3 6-1. I mean what I found ridiculous was that Wawrinka had the audacity to be upset at his struggles in the match. Really Stan the man? I mean you are planning freaking Rafael Nadal who eats Roger Federer for breakfast on clay and toys with the one-handed back hand like it is playdoh and you expected to get a leg up in this match? You should have had smaller goals and maybe, just maybe luck would have gone your way. I had some advice for Mr. Federer couple of weeks ago when he played Divadal in Rome. Mr. Federer did not heed my warnings/suggestions and he paid for it miserably. You would have done well to take my stance. Anyway, I really did not want you upsetting the match up I took off work for. Stan v Djoker is not worth dealing with the devil to get Friday off. However, Divadal v Djoker….now that is something working calling out of work for etc.

I am dejected

I am dejected

You did not have to treat me this badly. I am not Mr. Federer. I could have at least won a set!

You did not have to treat me this badly. I am not Mr. Federer. I could have at least won a set!

Djoker v Haas was not particularly remarkable but it was the most competitive of all the men’s quarterfinals. Haas won more games than the other losers but in the end Haas still lost the match. Djoker 6-3 7-6 7-5.

Diva on the floor! Diva on the floor! Diva on the floor! Now werq! WERQ!!

Diva on the floor! Diva on the floor! Diva on the floor! Now werq! WERQ!!

WOW, I won the most games for losers in the quarters?? Really?? Moi, the oldest man!

WOW, I won the most games for losers in the quarters?? Really?? Moi, the oldest man!

I got a date with destiny and his name is Divadal

I got a date with destiny and his name is Divadal

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for coming.