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Australian Open 2012 Day 4

In Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Australian Open, Carla Suarez Narravo, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Kaia Kanepi, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Milos Raonic, Nadia Petrova, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams on January 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm

So Day 4’s action

The top ladies looked to be in fine form thus far in these championships and Shriekapova came out with a vengeance against her American opponent. She dismantled her 6-0 6-1. The Serenanator was really no different as she raced out to a 6-0 first set victory in 22 minutes. She looked a bit spotty in the 2nd set but still managed to close it out 6-4 to move into the 3rd round. The Serenanator last lost here at the Open was in 2008 though she did not play last year. Therefore, she has sort of a winning streak at these championships. She is a 5 time winner though the Aussie crowd will scream on anyone on the other side of her.

BAM. The Serenanator is showing off the machine...wires and all

Don't hate!! Just appreciate!! She got it going on. Hopefully the mind is going on too for her to win her 6th title here

Marion Bartoli aka Fatoli aka La Petite Grosse of France (the lone superstar of the French ladies…incidentally she does look like Mary Catherine of SNL fame) is also looking in fine form as she dispatched of Aussie hopeful Jelena Dokic 6-3 6-2. Fatoli is a dangerous floater. She has made it far in majors and will most certainly look to disrupt all bookmarkers predisposed favourites. I have to also say that she is looking a bit trimmer this year though very very slight. I guess she ate less tarts over the Christmas holiday. I am also happy to report in particular to my Serbian fanz that Ivanovic the Terrible has done the seemingly rare feat of winning 2 matches in a row in singles at a major. She has had a terrible start of the year but just might be getting something going here. She has made it to the finals in 2008 where she lost to Shriekapova who in all fairness was playing the best tennis ever in her career and also deserved the title after that emphatic beatdown the previous year in the finals by the Serenanator.

Rare achievement for the Serb to be near the end of the 1st week at a major. Ivanovic the Terrible

Well you know how I have Kvitova aka GHW to possibly win this title, well Lady Hobbit aka Carla Suarez Navarro of Spain, almost threw a monkey wrench into this plan. Now Lady Hobbit is no stranger to upsets as many will remember that in 2009 if I am not mistaken, Ebony Starr was looking red hot at these championships until she met up on this beastly gal in the 2nd round. Lady Hobbit has a wicked one handed backhand and you get on the wrong side of that thing, she will burn you. However, for the life of me what I cannot understand is why she looks like that on court. Her deportment skills are atrocious at best.How is it that all the Spanish men come on court looking like they just rolled off the pages of GQ and Men’s Vogue magazines and the senoritas look like they were “Holidaying with the Hags” This is not right at all. Someone fix this pronto.

Look at this Spanish mess. It is like the only make up she knows is tests. She needs to hang with the girls, L'oreal, Revlon, Maybelline and Clairol. And someone please burn that outfit she is wearing.

And look at this now! These hombres got these senoritas beat in the style department

Anyway, GHW is no beauty queen on the court either so I guess the hideousness edge Lady Hobbit usually has over top opponents was neutralized. I will admit that GHW does clean up very very well off court. I have spoken at length about this Spanish Niña in particular her attire. Well anyway, GHW seemed on top of things with a 6-2 first set win. However, hobbits know a thing or two about magic and perhaps Gandalf came back or the elves sent some gifts but Suarez was not going to be disapperated off the court. She got the 2nd set 6-2 and the battle began in the 3rd. It was only good serving from the Czech that was able to push her past Navarro in the end. Ebony Starr I hope you saw that match because what Kvitova did was what YOU were supposed to do when you faced her. So GHW is through to the 3rd round with a 6-2 2-6 6-4 victory.

GHW had to come with some new spells to vanquish the Hobbit

In other matches, 29th seed Nadia Fatrova of Russia lost in straight sets to Errani as did the 25th seed Kaia Kanepi who was playing so well coming into these championships even winning Auckland if I am not mistaken. Vania King aka Saw Clown but I think I am going to change her name to Sailor Moon for obvious reasons took out the 15th seed Pavlyuchenkova in 3 sets which was not really that difficult to do because Pavlyuchenkova looks “heavy.” I swear I do not know what sort of sport tennis could be when there are so many tennichubbies running… I mean trying to run around on court. I know this is a ticklish issue but seriously now, fitness is key in tennis especially in the Australian heat.

What the hell is going on here?? Since when Lamaze has become a sport??

It is not the camera angle.

Anyway, Sabine Lisicki is through also taking out Shahar Peer of Israel quite easily 6-1 6-2 as is her fellow German Angelique Kerber. Kirilenko the 27th seed is through as is her countrywoman/man Kuzi-Rex who had hard fought 2 set victory over American Sloane Stephens. Jie Zheng is also through to the 3rd round is Greta Arn of Germany who took out seeded player Diminika Cibuttkova and Sorana Cirstea who took out Agie Radwanska’s sister Ursala. (I think I spelt her name wrong the last time around. CRIstea but it is CIRstea. Thus the correct pronunciation is Kur-te-a if I am not mistaken this time around). Anyway that’s about it for the ladies.

A light day at the office today

Regarding the menz, well D’Juggernaut is breezing through his matches with lil effort. He took out his opponent 6-3 6-2 6-1; seemingly becoming more and more efficient as the match went on. Baby Ali also looked in fine form though he had a tough match from Brazilian Ricardo Mello. He won in straight sets as did Lochness Monster and Dingo Dog Hewitt. Hewitt benefited from Roddick’s retirement from the match. Apparently during the match, Roddick cracked his crotch; ie, he pulled his groin muscle. He attempted to play on but after 3 sets being down 1-2 sets, he decided to let it go. So Hewitt is in the 3rd round though I am sure he will not be progressing further than the 4th round. The more interesting matches proved to be on the other courts where the men were battling each other for a chance at a 3rd round of this major.

Yeah I think I might not be able to have any children

9th seed Janko Tipsarevic was up against James Duckworth of Australia and was getting as good as he was giving as he finally came through in 4 sets 6-4 if I am not mistaken in the final set. Duckworth’s countryman, Matthew Ebden lost a 5 set match against Kei Nishikori (24th seed) of Japan. Tipsarevic’s fellow Serb Viktor Troicki on the other hand was sent packing when Mikhail Kukushkin took him out in 5 sets. It was a really good match between the two. Dennis the Menace aka Milos Raonic  (23rd seed) fought hard against Phillip Petzschner and took it in 4 sets. Petzschner will feel this match as he played brilliantly but could not stop the barrage of huge hitting serves from the Canadian.

Raonic aka Dennis the Menace is through to the 3rd round

Monfils looked to be a good form as well very focused at these championships. Beetlejuice is showing no sign of his usual crazy antics on court and composed himself against the hottie Thomaz Bellucci after losing the 1st set. The French beast raised his level of play and easily dispatched the Brazilian who has massive potential but prove far too often to be inconsistent. Monfils will join his fellow Frenchies Gasquet, Nicholas Mahut, Michael Llodra aka King Louis of Jungle Book who took out American Alex Bogomolov Jr (32nd seed) and Julian Benneteau who took out the 12th seed fellow Frenchman Gilles Simon. Simon started out so well but faltered in the end.

Well that’s it for the men’s side.

Sabine Lisicki of Germany is pretty pretty though she got some thunder thighs which is not a bad thing at all

Thunder thighs!!

Take a rest boo. Carrying around that much good looks can be tiring.

Hi there. What's your name?

Ryan Sweeting is definitely sweet.

Mommie Dearest are you kidding me?

Oh Jesus dinosaurs are not extinct!!

Honey, unfortunately that kind of ugly does not come off with sweat

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo

I know. He upsets my stomach too

Vania King of the US formerly Saw Clown has now been renamed

Sailor Moon

Ahhh sir, this is not that type of establishment..

WOW though commendable, this is not the type of skill we expect to see on the court, though off court, we will be happy to let you bring that racquet to play with our balls

Is it you that I ask for the toilet paper??

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Aussie Open 2012: Day 2

In Agnes Radwanska, Alexander Dolgopolov, Andy Murray, Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, David Ferrer, David Nalbandian, Donald Young, Francesca Schiavone, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, John Isner, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kaia Kanepi, Li Na, Lleyton Hewitt, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Sabine Lisicki, Sam Stosur, Vera Zvonareva on January 18, 2012 at 6:06 am

Kvitova aka (Grand High Witch GHW) was first up against Russian Dushevina who broke the number 2 seed and 2011 Wimbledon Champ in the opening service game. Dushevina quickly raced to a 2-0 lead. Things looked for a minute like they were going to be very interesting out here on the Rod Laver Arena. However, things did not look good for the Russian after that as she was bludgeoned on the court. GHW worked her magic and reeled off 12 straight games taking the match 6-2 6-0. Dushevina did not even know what hit her.  Now, this is why Kvitova is one of my picks to win this tournament.

I put a spell on you and you're mine my lil pretty

My only fear with GHW is that she can get into these mental lapses where she acts as though she barely knows how to play the game. Anyway, she is safely through to the 2nd round where she will not be joined by Sam “D’Stove” Stosur (6th seed). Now Stosur can perhaps be described as an enigma but we will talk about that in a minute. Stosur was the last match up on the Rod Laver Arena for the Day Session and you know, all of Australia was crazy excited for this match. The 2011 US Open champ was taking the court. Prior to this title, the last time Australians had had a major champion was back in 2002 when Dingo Dog Hewitt won Wimbledon.  Australians are extremely proud of their native daughter because much of Australia’s tennis team are in fact naturalized Australians; imported talents of sorts. Australia have a rich history in tennis but apparently they seem to have to outsource for the job. Sam Stosur on the other hand was born and breed Down Under and so they all jumping like kangaroos for her and the match.

We are here for our gurl Sam!!

And what does Sam do for the crowd, well she loses. She loses to Sorana Cirstea of Romania in the first round. Now Cirstea is not a bad player, bony like hell but not a bad player at all but Sam has not lost a single set to her in their prior 2-3 meetings. Sam broke the Romanian in her opening service game and looked to be on her way to romping through this match to the delight of the crowd. However, Cirstea kept forcing the issue and later broke back. She would not allow the Aussie to get a decent lead in the set or assert herself. Now if you have seen D’Stove play tennis, you would realize that she has one main weakness, she virtually has the inability to hit a backhand. It is such a glaring deficiency. However, she is able to get away with it on most days but Cirstea was making her pay dearly for this.

Sorana Cristea (Kris-te-ah not Chris-tea oka) from Romania

Sam has never done well in her native country (think of Mauresmo in France. Oh in 2003 French Open quarterfinals, the Serenanator made Amelie look like she was ranked 1000th in the world. The French crowd was virtually silent through the match as they watched the Serenanator simply tear Mauresmo limb by limb. It was not cute. No wonder the French crowd booed the American against Cheating Justine in that infamous semi-final match.) Anyway, we digress. Sam coming in this year’s Aussie Open lost in the 2nd round and 1st round of her two warm up tournament. So with little to no confidence as well as the weight of a nation on her, Cirstea took the match 7-6 6-3.

The gas line is not connect to D'Stove.

Now what I want to say about D’Stove is that I think she is quite a lovely girl and she is the epitome of the motto, hard work brings success but the real truth of the matter is that Sam is no real singles player. She is a doubles specialist hence why her game is so halved (no backhand). She does not have the killer instinct of a top lady contender and perhaps the public should stop expecting great things from her. She won the US Open and by right she deserved it after that excellent 2010 clay court season only to lose the French Open to Schiabone. However, to be a contender at majors or week in and week out on the tour; that is not D’Stove Stosur. The girl is so lacking in confidence on court. There is no way, a Kim, a Serenanator , a Ebony Starr (on most days), a Shriekapova would have come out on court in such a lackluster manner. It was telling from the beginning that she was not going to impose herself on the match in any way. No wonder, Cirstea had a way easier time in the 2nd set than in the first. Anyway, the hope of nation was simply dashed.

Hello??? Anyone home??

And as if Sam was not bad enough, another of their imported daughter Jarmila Gajdosova (Guydasova) formerly Jarmila Groth, was knocked out by Maria Kirilenko (27th seed). Kirilenko will join countrywoman Maria Shriekapova who just simply ripped Gisela Dulko of Argentina a new one with a 6-0 6-1 victory. Dulko had knocked Shriekapova out of the French Open some years ago and Shriekapova seemed to have been exacting revenge.  I often wonder how does one deal with themselves the next day after such a dismal performance. All I know is that it must suck to be them. Suck big time and not in a good way at all.

Shriekapova

Anyway, it was not all tears for the Australians as Jelena Dokic knocked out Anna Chakvetadze which was basically a battle of super great talent but no great results. I think it is time Chakvetadze consider being a professional teacher than a professional player. I do not think her nerves can deal with being on the tour and these poor poor results.  And while we are talking about Russians, we should mention that Boynetsova aka Svetlana Kuznetsova (18th seed Happy to see her ranking going up there), Maria Kirilenko (27th seed) Vera Zvonareva (7th seed) came through to the 2nd round, both in 3 sets as did Nadia Fatrova (29th seed) and Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (15th seed).  Zvonareva is my super dark horse pick behind LiNaLi. Other winners include Ivanovic the Terrible (21st seed) Sabine Lisicki (14th seed), Marion Fatoli aka La Petite Grosse (9th seed), Dominika Cibuttkova (17th seed) Kaia Kanepi (25th seed) Shahar Peer and Jie Zheng 2010 semifinalist here.  The US should be proud of themselves  as several young ladies made it through to the 2nd round on the 2nd day: Sloane Stephens, Jamie Hampton and Vania King aka Saw Clown. Seems I almost for this. Well the Queen Supreme of American tennis is of course, the Serenanator (12th seed) and she did not disappoint as the final match of the day. She dealt with the Austrian Tamira Paszek 6-3 6-2, preserving her record of having never lost in the first round of a major (45-0).

The Serenanator seeks out to destroy

On the men’s side, D’Joker begins his defense of his Aussie Open title and did he look spectacular as he simply demolished his Italian opponent Paolo Lorenzi 6-2 6-0 6-0. It was a beat down. D’Juggernaut is not skylarking about this at all. He is out to defend his title and he appear to be under the impression that he will defend.

That was a warm up match!

His countrymen Janko Tipsarevic (9th seed) and Viktor Troicki (17th seed) also won. Troicki came from two match points down if I am not mistaken to win the match in 5 sets. Meanwhile Lochness Monster (4th seed) was not looking so hot at all. Young Ryan Harrison was showing him up on court and trying him as he if were the lower ranked player. However, Nessie is not number 4 in the world for nothing and he simply showed the American who was the boss on the court. Harrison should take heart from this game and I myself was particularly impressed with what I saw throughout the match. Hopefully this potential pans out.

Ryan Harrison

And speaking of Americans, Andy “Mr. Brooklyn Decker” Roddick (15th seed) easily dispatched of Robin Haase of the Netherland who almost beat Lochness Monster last year at the US Open as did Ryan Sweeting and Alex Bogomolov Jr. Mr. Bogomolov has recently been the center of controversy when he was cleared to play for Russia his native country. He is a naturalized citizen of the US. Do not worry Sasha, do not mind the haters because we here are Realz loves you for realz.

Sometimes @$$holes can't help drawing attention to themselves

Australia’s bad start got better as Lleyton Hewitt seemingly down and out in the 4th set trailing 1-5 came back to win 6 straight games against Cedrik-Marcel Steber Germany. I swear, never have I seen a player choked this badly. Wait, Mr. Federer did against Mr. Divadal in the 1st set at the French Open last year. (Don’t remind me please!) Dingo Dog showed that he is a fight but unfortunately he faces Mr. Brooklyn Decker in the next round and though this is a battle of two washed up has beens, I think the American can pull this one out though I hardly care about this result. No secret that I cannot stand the Aussie and his smug, rude nasty attitude. Two other Aussie men made it into the 2nd rounds but I would not bother to tell you their names because I am certain they would not be doing anything special this year Aussie Open.

Fiery Ferrer is about to lick that ball........Olé senor

Anyhow, other winners include David Ferrer aka Fiery Ferrer (5th seed), Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice (14th seed) who…surprise..surprise won in straight sets instead of some long protracted 5 set epic battle in the 1st round. He will join his countrymen Baby Ali Tsonga (6th seed), Gilles Simon (12th seed), Richard G@$$quet (17th seed), Michael Llodra, Julian Bennateau and Nicholas Mahut. I swear France has become the new hot spot for men’s tennis. So many good athletes. The US needs to study their junior programs and have them duplicated over here. Other players who made it to the 2nd round were Juan Ignacio Chin-Chela (27th seed) Milos Raonic (23rd seed) and Kei Nishikori (24th seed) one of the few men to beat D’Juggernaut last year.

Definitely a cutie pie...all you girls can swoon and proclaim "I wanna have a baby!'

Definitely a hottie is Cristea!

Adidas (All Day I Dream About Sex) Definitely in the hottie sex. Apparently he is Danny Valverdu, on Lochness Monster's coaching staff. I would definitely like to hit some balls with him.

Don't know who he is but definitely would love to especially in the biblical sense.

Hmmm and who is this and what's under that shirt? Hey you with the mike, how about you get some pit pads or switch to anti-perspirant?

Ooo that's what was under there. I think I have a touch of the vapours. Can someone get me the smelling salts??

It always hurt a lil when it first goes in....just breathe!!

A lil tongue action never hurts a soul

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, oral comes standard with every model though one has to have a clean tongue

Azarenka, I could sorta see where they were trying to go with this one, but sweetie, this is just straight up, softcore porn.

Who knew dinosaur wore clothes? Yeah we are in the nottie section now

And speaking of dinosaurs, here we have a caveman

Maybe because it is the wee hours in the morning but Beetlejuice sorta looks cute here.

Oh okay, the world is right again. Definitely a nottie

Hmmmm what's going on here ladies? Rather cozy no??

Hmmmm lady, something tells me you are thinking "Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink."

I see gaynesia is about to claim some new victims. And I am just saying, if you are going to draw attention to yourself shirtless, can't you at least make sure you do some crunches and not eat Crunches. I mean "C" too much Calories in your diet. Come on now indeed. O, Oh really with that scrawny chest. M, I think you have been skipping too Many Meals and E, can we get some Exercise from you.

Well that’s Day 2’s coverage for you.

Day 2 US Open 2011

In Andrea Petkovic, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, David Nalbandian, Fernando Verdasco, Francesca Schiavone, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Li Na, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, US Open, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on August 30, 2011 at 10:30 am

My dearest fanz, I do regret that these postings are coming to you so late. Seems like I cannot keep up as I am always low on energy these days. Of course, I will back date the postings as if I posted them on the day of. Nonetheless, I post when I can. I am trying to maintain the standard we have set and wish not to post low grade material. Anyway, before we get to the tennis, let me just remind you to COMMENT and RATE the postings and also check out us on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/RealzTenisFanz/126890294056298 as well on Twitter: RealzTenisFanz . Do not ask me how that really works per se. I just know that I post on Facebook and it appears on Twitter and I post on the blog and it appears on Facebook. WOW. I know…Technology brings us together yet keeps us apart. Anyway,  Day 2 action

The Men

As if D’Joker Harlequeen needed any more luck this season. His opponent Irishman Conor Niland retired. Now Mr. Niland came through 3 rounds of qualifying last week only to have to face the D’Juggernaut himself 1st round and to keep things interesting, he got food poisoning i.e. he had diarrhea and needed to get off the court pronto. Things got to be too much after he failed to win more than a game after 12 games. Kinda of hard to keep your mind in the game when your @$$ is blowing up. He was down 0-6 1-5 before the called an extended potty break. D’Joker did not even break a sweat.

Niland trying to keep it together on court. Now only did he feel like shite, played like shite, he really wanted to shite.

He has diarrhea?? Hmm...he needs to switch to my gluten free super diet

But anyway let us not digress. Divadal won his match in straight sets but his opponent was one of the most imbecilic players I have ever seen on court, Andrey Golubev from Kazakhstan. In each and every set, he would be up a break to two breaks on the Spaniard and then fail to close out the set. He was up in the second set 5-3 40-0 (three set points) and lost his serve and totally collapsed. He broke Divadal to get to 6-6 for a tie breaker but failed to win more than a point.

The biggest choker on the ATP, Andrey Golubev

Then in the third set he was up 5-2, served for the set twice and still lost the match 3-6 6-7 5-7. He has to be on suicide watch at this time. It was almost like he was deliberately choking. Anyway, Divadal cannot be comforted with his play because it was totally off. He had no rhythm on his shots were easy pickings for Golubev despite him being unable to put the sleeper move on the Spaniard. Divadal could have easily been bounced in the 1st round if Borat had any mental wit about him. Divadal should walk away from this match knowing that he did not win this match at all, Golubev simply lost it.

What's going on out here?

In other menz winner, Fiery Ferrer won his match after a slow start as did Davydenko, Wartanka (aka Stanislav Wawrinka from Switzerland, the number 2 Swiss player), Argentine David Nalbandian and Chin Chela aka Juan Ignacio Chela (not to worry SF, Del Potro aka Beast Boy is playing today) Baby Ali Tsonga won as did Jurgen Meltdown, David Nalbandian of Argentina, Ivan Ljubicic and Tabasco Verdasco. Americans James Loser Blake and young upstart Donald Young also won their 1st round matches. Surprising upset, last  year’s menz semifinalist Mikhail Youhzny of Russia who took a set from Divadal lost to Ernest Gulbis from Latvia in straight set… if it is a Russian playing tennis, you can expect another Chernobyl disaster on court.

Will this be Gulbis' time to show his true potential

For the Ladies,

The Danish biscuit

The top lady, Danish Biscuit won her match comfortably as did 4th seed Victoria Azarenka who is on a possibly collision course with the 28th seed who just happens to be the Serenanator who DEMOLISHED the Serb Jovanovski last night 6-1 6-1.

A demoralized Jovanovski looking for a clock to get the hell outta there. Tennis has no countdown clock boo...Get it together but I do think it's time you go to the gym.

It was not just the physical beatdown on court that the Serenanator caused the Serb but it was pure mental torture. That girl will not be right for a couple of months. She might even give up tennis altogether for a while or even leave the tour. The Serenanator was in her face from the jump. The American sent a signal to the rest of the ladies, she is back for her 14th major at these championships.

The Serenanator is hulking on court

Other winners include Francesco Schiabone and fellow Italian Penne Pasta Pennetta, Andrea Petkovic of Germany but of Serbian descent, China’s Jie Zheng, American Sloane Stephens and Coco Vandeweghe, Jelena Dokic, Ivanovic the Terrible, Fivehead Jankovic, Kuzi-Rex and Wickmayer. Sabine Lisicki, 2011 Wimbledon semifinalist won her match and will face Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams who is unseeded today. They are two of the hardest hitting servers on tour. Should be an interesting match.

Sabine Lisicki of Germany

Shahar Peer of Israel won and joins her compatriot Dudi Sela in the 2nd round. Sela won on the first day of the tournament. Argentina’s Gisela Dulko also won. Surprise losses yesterday were that Daniela Hepbrunova and Chun Li-Na Li both lost in straight sets. With Chun Li-Na Li, 2011 French Open champion, lost in the first round as well as 2011 Wimbledon Champ Petra Kvitova’s lost in the first round on the 1st day and Kim Clijster’s absence, the 2011 Australian Open champ, it means that none of the current major titlist on the women’s side will be here for the rest of the tournament. Pretty dismal affair if I do say so myself for the women’s tour.

Next stop, Beijing China. Li Na is out like a candle in the win

BIG PICTURE SHOW 

Hotties lots of them today…

Donald Young...ahhh to be young, hung and full of.....wait a minute..we not that type of establishment here...Look at those lips and tongue..Mmm mmm good.

Eric Northman you can have my neck and all the rest.

I like big butts and I cannot lie...and a nice set of balls too

Ivanovic the Terrible does have a sweet adorable face

Daniela Hantuchova has another sweet face BUT WTF...She's hung like donkey kong....that's a baby hand down there. Gurl get a jock strap for that thing.

NOTTIES

Francesco... we spoke about the pink bit before didn't we? Wearing pink does not reduce the level of testosterone in your appearance.

Gran gran Kimiko Date-Krumm....seems like you have gone senile in your fashion but really the face...get it together. You are a woman of substance and no shame in wearing some makeup or perhaps a plastic bag if you are going to continue to make those faces.

MIXED BAG

Is it just me or does Divadal has an uncanny resemblance to...see below

a prairie dog

Really?? We're wearing this on a tennis court? The collar?? WTF

The ruffles got to go

As pretty as egg yolk

Malisse! XXX Man, it is really time you hit the gym. You look 12 weeks. Are you craving pickles yet?

I think she should get her a sippy cup

Just a lil bit creepy to me...just a tad bit on the creep-o-meter scale

Just hanging around court, feeling the gentle breeze on my face, luxuriating, pondering whether it's the chicken or the egg

Now we have had this talk before. Don't be alarm. It's not crabs. Just a Red Lobsters special

Day 1 finally got opened at the US Open 2011

In Agnes Radwanska, Alexander Dolgopolov, Andy Murray, Bernard Tomic, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Hurricane Irene, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Melanie Oudin, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, US Open, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka on August 30, 2011 at 6:08 am

So Day 1 of the US Open has been completed without any delays. There was no rain, no fake hurricane warning and no crazy winds to report. Everyone said that it was a beautiful day outside but I never made it outside for the day and my secret location is rather secret so I do not get much light in the cave. Nonetheless, I got the internet to see some pretty good matches for the first day. A certain fanz had had promised to get tickets but they came up with all sorts of excuses. I do not want to put anyone on blast but KJ you know who you are.

Celebrations the US Open has officially opened.

Anyway, there is not much I have to say before I get into the tennis talk other than this. Now, RTF is a very sophisticated publication and we cater to a certain clientele who only subscribe to the very best in periodicals and read the best of the blogosphere. I say all this to say that I hope none of my fanz are going around saying that “a hurricane hit NYC or Hurricane Irene passed through the city” because you know I will be so ashamed of you and for you as well. People, let’s get it together okay. We are a professional and cultured people. It was a tropical storm at best okay. I do not want to see anymore facebook postings about how a hurricane hit the city because it just downright foolishly wrong and an insult to the people of New Orleans where an actual hurricane happened. Anyway, we not here for this, we are here for the tennis.

Why of course, we're sophicated!

On the menz draw, it was rather uneventful for the most part. Typically a lot of players come into the US Open in great shape because frankly, they were doing crap for most of the year and this is their last chance to make something happen. Getting past the 3rd round of a major can do wonders for a player’s life. They can get increased endorsements, huge pay day from prize money plus media coverage, which will definitely send their Twitter accounts and Facebook pages going (something most of them live for). Anyway, this often results in high quality matches from the menz. The USTA has slowed down the courts this year for whatever reason so in essence they are playing on a very hard clay court. Apparently, if you add sand to the paint which is used to coat the courts, it can slow down the surface. This is resulting in longer matches. I guess this makes for better matches?? I do not think so. It makes for less and less distinction amongst the majors’ surfaces, where all the courts are getting slower. Not forgetting that longer matches added to the long season is causing more and more injuries. I think since the top four players are in essence baseline players they are catering to their needs though Mr. Federer will have the most problems. Also, Americans are not good on slower courts so I do not know if the USTA is trying to sabotage their own mission but you know, we shall leave those sort of executive decisions to the executives. Their follies will  just be fodder for Realz Newz. So to the results

Mardy Fish is playing whale size tennis these day and is the US best hopes on the men's side

Mardy Fish looked impressive with a straight sets victory as did Marin Cilic (he has a MASSIVE forehand) who took out American Ryan Harrison. Apparently before the match (I might be wrong here…don’t have a fact checker all the time) Harrison was all like, “I got a fire in my belly” (paraphrasing here). However, on court that fire looked more like bad stomach gas because his play was fluctuating and flatulating all over the place. Any time he was in the lead, he simply choked and threw away his advantage. He does not possess anything special as far as I can tell but he is young and has massive potential. Nonetheless, he should shut this mouth and let his tennis do the talking, which today was saying “shit”.

Harrison's tennis was no where as good as his high kicks

Beetlejuice (Monfils) won his match and of course without fail, he was ugly evermore…..I mean he exuded a massive amount of energy just to get to the 2nd round. I imagine that he would be done by the 4th round at these championships. Other winners include Lurch (Tomas Berdych), Richard Gasquet and Michael Llodra of France, Australia’s rising star Bernard Tomic, Ukraine Alexandr Dolgopolov and Serbia’s Janko Tipsarevic. Ivo Karlovic of Croatia also won taking out former quarterfinalist Fernando Speedy Gonzalez who is still working his way back from injury to his past form. Juan Carlos Ferrero finalist in 2003 needed 5 sets to take out his 1st round opponent and Tomaz Bellucci that hottie from Brazil lost 😦 to Dudi Sela of Israel as did Victor Troicki (15th seed) lost to Alejandro Falla in 5 sets. Troicki had a 2-1 set lead and threw away the match. This is the second match he is playing shitty tennis when he should closing out the match.

Another wilted performance from the Serb

The other notable men’s winner is Mr. Federer. I decided to give him a whole paragraph for himself because there is much about him to talk about. Now he won his first round match 6-4 6-3 6-2 against some Colombian Santiago Giraldo. I saw that match which finished after 11 p.m. last night and I have to say that the realz Roger Federer has been kidnapped and his doppelganger was out on court fcuking up. Mr. Federer was up 5-1 in the 1st set then was broken twice to almost have to fight it out in a tie breaker. No disrespect to the Colombian but he was no match for Mr. Federer if Mr. Federer had actually showed up. It was errors all over the place. Mr. Federer made 23/37 net approaches, 7/18 on break points, 36 winners, 35 errors, 62% of his first serves were in, had 6 aces and 3 double faults. People we are in the first round and Mr. Giraldo is ranked 54 in the world. It was just disgusting. Had Mr. Giraldo been a shade better player, Mr. Federer would have still been out there playing. It is not that Mr. Federer no longer has that aura of invincibility; it is that he is appearing to be a mere mortal.

Professor Dumbledore told Harry Potter (Harry Potter reference here) that even if he were to destroy the horcuxes which anchored Voldemort to immortality, Voldemort remains a prodigious and formidable wizard ie he can still fcuk you up. One would hope the same can be said of Mr. Federer. I say this to say that  even though Mr. Federer is struggling to win tournaments these days, he seems to be waddling around the court looking like a shade of his former self. He is not playing like a Number 3 player in the world.  He is out of position, shots are all over the place and it looks like he is second guessing himself on all his shots. I have long been vocal about his partnership with Paul Annacone and I will continue to say it. Annacone needs to go. I think Mr. Federer can do bad all by himself. Mr. Federer’s backhand is a serious liability. He drops that ball so short in the court begging players to crush it on the return. And when Mr. Federer’s backhand becomes a liability in matches, his forehand loses accuracy and his shots find themselves in the net or way off the court.

Look at this. WTF Roge! WTF are you doing out there hitting blind shots?

Mr. Federer, I beg you, dump Annacone. FIRE THE MAN! He is like a sick groupie who adds nothing to your production but just sycophancy. He does not know what he is talking about. He’s a charlatan, a fraud and a liar. Your game has significantly deteriorated since his arrival. His tactics may have worked for Pete Sampras but they are not working for you. If you cannot penetrate with your backhand against the likes of a 54th ranked player, you really think you going to keep D’Joker Harlequeen, Lochness Monster, Divadal at bay and that even if you get to a semifinal stage. There’s Tsonga lurking in the earlier rounds. Annacone was suppose to fix this problem and I have seen zero improvements. What I do see is a steady decline and attrition. Really now… you are not being serious with this current level of play at all. Anyway, I am tired talking about it and I really want to see Mr. Federer win more majors. So please Mr. Federer, dump the non-coach Annacone and find yourself someone else who really knows what they are talking about.

Looking like holidays at the country club than preparing for professional level tennis.

To the womenz, the usual suspects made it through… Shriekapova had a tough test from the British Heather Watson who in the end just did not possess enough game to put the nail in the Russian’s coffin much to my chagrin. Hopefully Watson can develop and given British women’s tennis a much needed boost….as a matter of fact give their tennis a boost overall since Lochness Monster is a massive ole choker.

Made it through to another match more so on grit than game

Watson...hopefully we see more of her in the future. She held her composure today quite beautifully

Anyway, we here about the ladies. Vera Zvonavera won her match as did Marian Fatoli and Agneiszka Radwanska who beat her younger sister Urszula in straight sets. I tell you Urszula was not a happy camper as she was being toyed around the court.

By way of upsets, Petra Kvitova the reigning Wimbledon champion lost to Alexandra Dulgheru in straight sets. Kvitova was just flat today and was unable to straight together several games at a time. No sooner did she break the Romanian than she lost her serve. I really hope Kvitova aka Head High  Witch does not go the way of an Ivana the Terrible. You win a major and then slowly drop off the face of the earth.

Kvitova bringing on the waterworks on court and of course being a witch, she merely melted away. Plus I am sure she was being weighed down by that huge muffin top

Now there was a match today between two American ladies who we hardly anything about, Madison Key and Jill Craybas which got a lot of media hype. Really this was much ado about nothing. Key is 16, Craybas is 37, so it was essentially a young nobody vs an old nobody. Of course the young nobody won as can be expected. It ain’t news. It would be news if this 16 got her @$$ beat by a grandmother as was the case when Dinada Safina lost to Kimiko Date-Krumm a couple of years ago at a major. Oh yes, Christina McHale took out Cookie Monster’s lil sister in three sets today as well. She has a very aggressive style on court and she recently beat the Danish Biscuit so I am happy to see that she is progressing nicely about. Needless to say as well that Melanie Oudin aka Abby Caddady lost first round in straight sets.

Ebony Starr

There were not much matches for the notables for me to talk about other than Venus Ebony Starr Williams match against another one of those many Russians. Now Ebony Starr gave a B performance as can be expected with a 6-4 6-3 victory. She has not played since Wimbledon and as always showed a lot of rust in her game. However, the biggest story of course is her clothes. Now I do not know what’s her problem or to be fair, what’s her point when it comes to her clothing but she really needs to stop. She has of late become obsessed with lace. She claims that “lace is in” what I think she means is that “lace is in her demented world.” The dress looks bad. I do not care what you all want to say about the front of it.

Check out the back of this... you can also see bits of the back of her head too

There’s no other way of saying it but that it is a horrible construction of fabric and if there were any justice in the fashion world, that thing should be stripped off her in public and burned thread by thread as well as all designs regarding this dress, if we want to call it that. Ebony Starr should then be made to plant 50 trees as penance for the wasted paper that went into printing up this “design”as well as go pick two hours of cotton on some cotton farm so that she can feels how much effort goes into real fabric construction. I know a bit harsh but seriously now, she is overdoing this now. The dress looked like someone filleted it or something. White lace with pink zipper on the back of an all black dress with pleats? DISGUSTING! Just revolting. And added to all this, Ebony Starr has the back of head looking all “nappy” (not a word I like to use but there’s no other I can think of…..kinky means something totally different for me and it is not appropriate for sensitive readership) and another terrible weave. Gurl you have eating away your hair frontline with them old sweaty weave go back your natural hair and please put some sorta styling gel for the back of the hair or press them out or something. They looking too bad for this international stage. Anyway, I let you all be the judge thing one because I do not want a certain KJ to be after me.

The forehead or should I say sixhead starts at the top of that visor

Anyway, tomorrow promises to be an action pack as well with Azarenka, Divadal, Danish Biscuit, the Serenanator, D’Joker Harlequeen, Fiery Ferrer, Chun Li Na, Loser Blake and Baby Ali all set to play. It should a really exciting time. Enjoy the photos.

Hotties

The Radwanska sisters...Urszula on the left and Aggie on the right. I won't say it.. I won't say it at all

Looks like they want to give the Williams sisters a run for their money

Grigor Dimitrov though a beauty had to face that beast Beetlejuice in the first round. Needless to say he lost but the most important thing is that his looks is safe. Gotta love a lil tongue action

Nottie

Who's the ugliest of them all? Ooooo pick me .....pick me

Kvitova had an ugly start yesterday to go with her ugly look

No wonder he talks a lot of shit...he eats it too

XXX man lost in the first round. Hopefully he also lose some pounds soon enough too. That scruffy beard isn't heading your triple chin

MMIX BAG

M'am are you okay? You know that shades is either suppose to be on your nose or on your head NOT the middle ground on your forehead....NOPE not at all.

Thunder cyat oooooo Ebony Starr, your cyat is thunderous. Also your camel is stepping out on you there.

I think you're sporting wood. Is that suppose to happen??

Is either she got TPed or she was just pulled out of a tomb in Egypt. Either way, that dress looks ridiculous

Oh Melanie 😦 looking like a bad egg yolk.

Eat your heart out Kim Basinger

Oh Serena.........this is just low class. We expect you to bring Compton to the court not to the press conference.

There's a word to describe this... "jailbait" Where are these girls parents?? Because they are just three seconds and $200 away from being "Girls Gone Wild at the Open"

You know I thought Ebony Starr had committed fashion high treason until I saw this next lil number

Now why is she wearing Super Mario Bros blocks for a dress?? Can someone explain this to me? Where is quality control at sweat shops? I mean Nadia Fatrova should be publicly flogged for this atrocity here. She cannot be serious?

SEE YOU TOMORROW

Will the US Open actually open? 2011 Preview and Predictions

In Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Hurricane Irene, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams, Tomas Berdych, US Open, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka on August 29, 2011 at 10:08 am

My dearest fanz…I beg for your indulgences. I have forsaken you in your hour of need. You craved for Realz Tenis Newz but I left you stranded. I pray you would let me work my way back into your hearts, minds and laughters. I desire your love, comments, insights and hateration so that we can make this the best tennis publication ever. I do confess that I have had another project working on the Facebook page, which is far easier to maintain. http://www.facebook.com/pages/RealzTenisFanz/126890294056298 I encourage you all to “Like” the page not the comment saying that you should like the page, and get on and let your comments fly. There should be no excuses as to why you all are not on and talking. Anyway, I do have to say that the Facebook page does not allow me to spread my editorial wings as I am limited by 400 characters. So I am back to the blogosphere. Nonetheless, you know that if you are hearing me that mean that there is a major on the horizon. And the US Open begins tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. live from NYC or what’s will be left of it if you listen to Mayor Bloomberg.

Wet ballz all over the place...What sorta establishment is this??

I swear this entire Hurricane Irene thing is the craziest I have ever heard. Not even in the 3rd world region…wait I think we are suppose to say developing region of the Caribbean do people act this way over a hurricane. People, we are in New York State, not the Florida Cays/Keys. A hurricane is one of the most unlikely natural disasters to hit this region. New York State is not even within the tropical latitudinal lines ie, you not within the lines of the Tropic of Cancer or Capricorn, that is to say you not in a tropical region, and if we are keeping it realz, what I really mean is that you all are not in the frigging Caribbean so chill the fcuk out with this hurricane bullshit. I mean the shut down the bloody trains, airports. More rain came several weeks ago than it did yesterday and the whole place did not go bust that time around but this time, its different??…Hmmmm. I swear, this place is like the Comedy of Errors.

The Caribbean, where hurricanes usually happen

Real hurricane effects

There will be rains of course but a hurricane, which is ONLY if the weather system gains winds of more than 70 m.p.h. So New Yorkers, you did not get a hurricane okay. If anything you got a tropical depression or at best a tropical storm, though how this place is so psycho dependant, I think a tropical depression is more apropos. I am not one for conspiracy theories but I swear Twitter and Facebook along with other media outlets put on this whole thing so that they can get something going in this media dry spell as if war overseas, political turmoil in the Arab World (I hate the term “Middle East”; middle and east of where?), famine in East Africa, world economy is in shit but the media seem to think celebrity gossip and pseudo-hurricane alerts are more the order of business.

All this hurricane talk was just shite...

Anyway, we are not here for that. Let’s get to the tennis… but before we do, you know a lil housekeeping is in order. RTF will not be making too many promises from here on end because clearly, it has shown a growing propensity to not keep them. It can only promise you that when it does something, it will be done and you will read it. It wishes that it had the time, resources, effort and energy to produce a full scale coverage of tennis but unfortunately, it can only be done as a second gig. Nevertheless, we are here and we will deal with the tennis issues. Anyway, I have also made the decision to stop sending out printable versions to work emails of a certain establishments. Recently some dirty snitch ratted out their fellow co-worker and they got in trouble. Now since we are keeping it realz, I do not need to emphasize the code, “Snitches get stitches!” We are not a violent establishment but we are not above protecting what we have worked ever so dearly for.

Nuff said

Thus, the executive decision was made that RTF will only be available on the blog as well as Facebook. It was a difficult decision especially since those loyal fans were the first fanz. Anyway, hopefully it will encourage them to get online and comment on the blog. RTF does feel sorry for two of its most loyalist fanz BW and ST. You are the best and thanks for the support. You know why this has to be this way. So to the tennis.

There has been no posting since Wimbledon but there were many facebook activities. One should really check us out on facebook. http://www.facebook.com/pages/RealzTenisFanz/126890294056298  With the US Open starting tomorrow or today (better late than never) there are only two real names that the reporters will be throwing up, Novak “D’Joker Harlequeen/D’Juggernaut” Djokovic (apparently the D is silent and it is Joke not Jock. Was informed of this by a native Serb himself. Thanks MB) The other person is Serena “Serenanator” Williams. These two players have really shown themselves to be the top contenders for the Open title. You may hear all sorta bylines and side stories but the real truth is that these two divas have the momentum behind them and they are more than willing, able and ready for the challenge.

The Clear number 1

On the men’s side. D’Joker clearly is the man to beat. Yes I know he pulled out of Cincinnati in the finals against Lochness Monster but he really did not need to play or even win the title. He claimed fatigue and that gave Lochness Monster the victory. Harelequeen has won 2 majors for the year, broken the spirit of Divadal, technically has one lost against Mr. Federer who he does not have to really worry about because Mr. Federer seems unable to make it past the quarterfinals of any tournament these days and D’Joker dismantled the Scotsman at the Aussie Open finals. I assure you, D’Joker is not afraid of anyone on tour. He has absolutely nothing to fear but himself. Jim Courier, multiple major winner has said that the victory at Cincinnati has made the Lochness Monster the clear favourite for the US Open. Absolute madness. Murray might not get past the quarterfinals as there are too many men outside of the top 4 who can beat him. He has Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy and Robin Hood Soderling floating around in his quarter so things are not an easy road for him. Then he potentially has Divadal in the semis. And even if he gets to the finals, he has yet to win a set in the three major finals he has reached. So I doubt it very much so that he will win this US Open. However, miracles do happen but RTF thinks the Lochness Monster will need to become Puff the Magic Dragon to win this title.

I am a total headcase that's why I cannot win a major

So, no surprise RTF is claiming that D’Joker is going to win this one. But what about our favourite son Mr. Federer? Now you know we can never forget about him. We are rooting for him all the way. However, we are realistic about his chances. There is no doubt about it that Mr. Federer has one of the best records at the open. Since 2004, he has made it to the semifinals or better winning it 5 times out of 6 finals. So he clearly knows how to play on the hard courts of New York. However, he has been seeing a steady decline as of late. He’s 30 not that one need to be ashamed of that number but he is clearly coming to the tournament with the same bag of tricks that everyone knows and seen before. However, he is still clearly the number 3 player in the world. He has to watch out for Baby Ali who beat him twice this year included at Wimbledon where Mr. Federer uncharacteristically blew a two-set to love lead or Mardy the former Whale in the quarters.

What had happen was that...I am getting old

The American, ranked 8th in the world (also the highest ranked American) won the US Open series by a massive margin by 60 points ahead of D’Joker. Once as agile as an elephant, Fish now moves like a gazelle on court and he is hungry like a lion for a major title. He has been eerily close to beating a major player for a title and he can definitely cause an upset. However, the problem for Fish and the men on tour is that to win a major you have to beat 3 of the top 4 players. At the very least, you have to beat 2. In Fish’s case, he has to beat Mr. Federer then D’Joker and possibly Mr. Divadal or Lochness Monster. Unfortunately Fish does not have the talent, breath or the experience to accomplish this task. There’s a reason why three men have won 25 of the last 26 majors. It will be a miracle of a miracle to expect that the top four will just crash out early of any major clearing the way for some unheralded player. He is officially a skinny bitch and he is working the court like no body’s business.

Look at me, I am so skinny that I can hug myself

I think the last person to mention really is Mr. Divadal. Now, Mr. Divadal has taken some serious blows this year. He only won the French and has been handled savagely by D’Juggernaut. He is all over the place mentally and is struggling to keep focus. He burnt his fingers at some Japanese restaurant and has been screaming about how that’s affecting his play etc. You know the usual antics of a primadonna. Anyway, the US Open has traditionally been his worse major but he figured it out last year and hopes to repeat but Mr. Divadal is really all out of sorts coming into this major. He has been running scared since he got beat at Rome by D’Joker. He was so happy Mr. Federer defeated him at the French because he would have surely forfeited that title. He said that he did not lose his number 1 ranking but D’Joker won it. Divadal has shown himself to be vulnerable at the majors especially with his nagging injuries. But he is one to always play on injury antics to get sympathy. He has been on the David Letterman Show trying to sell his book and has cleaned up his look giving this new preppy image. It is really laughable because Divadal is one of most socially awkward top ranked player ever. He always has this perpetual look of fear and pending doom on his face. Nevertheless all that does not matter as he can really play tennis and it is the tennis he wants to speak for him.

You wurk it gurl... You strut your stuff

Now, there are other players who might crop up here and there, Mr. Brooklyn Decker (Andy Roddick), Uncle Lurch (Tomas Berdych) Soderling like I said before and Fiery Ferrer, oh of course 2009 US Open champion Beast Boy Del Potro but really and truly the ranking speaks for itself. D’Joker Harlequeen is the likeliest to win then Divadal then Mr. Federer and then Lochness Monster. Everyone, really have to settle for semifinal prize money at best because they are not winning this thing.

The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse.... I think they might be just in the right order of who can win this thing but we shall see

Mr. Brooklyn Decker needs a good tournament because he has been fizzing like a popped balloon

But he needs to go get his wife first though... she's looking like a hot mess, BUT that ring is bigger than her eyes..HOLY FCUK

When it comes to the ladies, things are a lil bit more complicated. The draw is essentially wide open, the experts say but I am saying that it’s wide for the Serenanator and her massive booty to walk on through it and get herself her 14th major as Kim Clijster aka Mommie Dearest is out with an abdominal strain. The Serenanator since her year’s lapse has come back with a vengeance. She was seemingly out of sorts at Wimbledon but since then has proven herself to be unbeatable. She has not lost a match since late June I think though she pulled out of a Cincinnati before her 2nd round match. She won titles in California and Canada dismantling her opponents including Marian Fatoli the lil cow who beat her at Wimbledon…revenge is a dish best served cold. She is the winner of the US Open series like I said before and can potentially win the bonus 1 million dollars if she were to wins the US Open.

She's number 1 and there's no disputing that

She has been playing magnificent tennis and since she is seeded 28th at these Championships and her sister Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams who is unseeded, we are looking at potential drama throughout. The Serenanator is set to meet Azarenka in the 3rd round who she lightly dispatched in Canada. It was a beat down and I was ready to cry for Azarenka. There will be much talk about the last time the Serenanator was at the open she cursed out the lineswoman but people forget that she left NYC that week a winner, having secured the doubles title with her sister. There’s no need to hash up that madness but you know Americans hate the American Williams Sisters and will surely be having that on display to get the crowd against them. Watch see if people not rooting for their opponents.

It's about to get nasty up in here!

However, when Fed Cup time comes around, the Americans are crying for the Williams Sisters to play. These people are just disgusting. Anyway, the sisters are on opposite sides of the draw so they cannot meet until the finals. Ebony Starr Williams has one of the best records if not the best record at the open. She has never lost before the Round of 16 and been to the semis or better on more occasions than not. However, her two titles were back in 2000 and 2001. She is definitely dude for a win here for sure but being unseeded means she has to play a lot tough opponents early and has played no matches since Wimbledon so she comes in at another major, rusty. She could face a hard serving/hitting Sabine Lisicki in the 2nd round. So she definitely has her hands full but she is an experienced player so I am not worried about her nor am I putting my hopes on her. I want her to win but I have been down this road too many times to fall for that trap again. I wish her the best and will be overjoyed if she were to win this title again.

I hope she doesn't have some hot mess hair style underneath that visor because I will not be holding back the hate

Now this is far from being a one lady draw as there are definitely some players who can cause trouble. French Open champion Li Na is lurking and having made it to two major finals for the year, she definitely knows her way around these tournaments. Petra Kvitova, recent Wimbledon Champion is also about and could face Shriekapova in the quarterfinals. Shriekapova who just won Cincinnati is brimming with confidence. However, that ridiculous serve of hers will make her life very complicated at the Open, the players all know to stick it to her. Fatoli is a dark horse and she has been playing well at majors as of late and D’Stove Stosur from Australia also has a very outside chance as does Fivehead Jankovic and Azarenka.

Shriekapova. I have to say that she really got ProActiv because that face use to be bubbling over in acne.

Oh yeah I almost forgot that the top two players, Caroline Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit and number 2 Vera Zvonareva can also win the title. They have both made it to the finals in 2009 and 2010 respectively and put on very poor performances. They will definitely like to change those fortunes and win their first major title. However, we know that Vera is going to break down long before that even happens and Wozniacki not only does she not have the game to win a major, it seems her head is elsewhere running around the place with Ireland’s Rory Mcilroy, 2011 US Open Golf Champion.

I know that look...she got ballz on her mind and it certainly ain't tennis.

So she cannot win a major so she goes out and find a man who has one. Major winner by proxy? You got some crumbs you lil biscuit. Now, you know I am not a hater of love but athletes have to learn to keep their private affairs private. Happy Gilmore is all over her matches and she is grinning like a hyena. Meanwhile she crashed out of two tier one tournaments in the first round this summer. She just won New Haven for the 4th year in a row but that was against a mostly minor field (She did beat Schiavone who loves the US Open incidentally). She has yet to beat the top players on a consistent basis something that she needs to do in order to win a major. The Danish Biscuit seems to be more concerned about getting some Irish crème filling for her biscuit instead of getting a bloody kill shot for the court. Her forehand is predictable and a massive liability. She can barely get aces and does not possess massive groundstrokes to beat you from the baseline.

Most certainly daddy is not feeling his son in law.

Anyway, we not going to carry on with this point for much longer because there will be more stuff to talk about later. So if you get to the end of this piece just know that I am picking D’Joker Harlequeen and the Serenanator as the winners of this year’s US Open.

God this is too easy. So this is Cody Simpson from Australia. He's suppose to be the new teenage heartthrob?? Seriously? Teenage girls find this sexually appealing. He was rehearsing here for the Arthur Ashe Kids' Day that did not happen because of rain.

Wimbledon Weekend 2011

In Andy Murray, Bernard Tomic, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Maria Sharapova, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Victoria Azarenka, Wimbledon on July 1, 2011 at 8:20 am

What a weekend this promises to be. I am so happy that there is a holiday this Monday because I might not be fit for duty after this weekend. Wimbledon is whining down and to say that there have been surprises would woefully understating matters. This is more a real quick update because I have not filled you in on matters. It was not out of shame and embarrassment because you knowz I keeps it realz with you all. Anyhow let us get to the Realz Newz. I have this feeling that I have forgotten to tell you all something. Hmmmm…I guess it might come to be later.

Are we at Wimbledon?? It's the Weekend and no Williams sister and/or Mr. Federer? This is a dream right?

The ladies: Well the finalz for the ladies have been set and it will be Maria Shriekapova vs Petra Kvitova (Kay-vit-o-va) aka The Grand High Witch… look I am not trying to be mean to the gurl bbut you know I keeps it realz and I dare anyone to tell me that Petra is not channeling Anjelica Houston from The Witches. I am sure she is a nice gurl.

Shriekapova showing she is more than a banshee

The Grand High Witch

Anyway both these ladies dismantled their opponents though GHW had a lil hiccup against Azarenka who again gave another underwhelming performance at a major. I think I am going to call her Victoria AzaRANKa as in a rank smell because she is plain ole stink. I really thought she could have really contend for a major this time around but alas…not the best of monikers but it will do for now. Shriekapova on the other hand, was masterclass on court as the German Lisicki did not stand a chance.

Victoria AzaRanka...yeah you are smelling your own shitty play on court

As for who I favor in the finalz, well a banshee vs a witch, I think I will go with the witch. It is not that I do not like Shriekapova, there is no denying that. However, the thing is that the WTA really need to have young people winning majors. These old itches have been winning the thing since 2008 Wimbledon. Since then, it has been the veteran players who been contending for majors and it is high time some new young blood get in there. Also I really do think that GHW can beat Maria. She has a lefty serve, big groundstrokes and though she is not fit, she does not have to worry because Shriekapova is not the best mover at all. It will be sweet justice to see a young upstart upset Maria as she upset the Serenanator in 2004. Yes I know Kvitova is not glamourous material and will not be selling make up or fancy dresses. However, if Madison Avenue does not want her perhaps Spielberg, Wes Craven or John Carpenter can feature her in their up coming films or she can even get a walk in role on TruBlood. See I believe there is something for everyone.

Mr. Shriekapova...this is Maria fiance. He plays for the Lakers I think and his name escapes me. He's also Russian too. I am not going to lie, he is not bad looking and they are both tall. They'll have huge goodlooking babies for sure

Anyway to the menz….it is lil secret now that Mr. Federer was sent packing in one of his own boxes and that resident hottie on our blog Baby Ali is through to his first Wimbledon semi finals. I believe I let you know that D’Joker took out Tomic is what proved to be a much tougher match than either he or I expected. However, I neglected to tell you that Mr. Divadal took out Mardy Fish former Whale in 4 sets. Mr. Divadal came out swinging and the F Whale was hardly able to breath….oh I am going to call Mardy Fish former Whale, Mardy Flipper because he has brought himself down to a slender sleek size. Anyways, it was only Lochness Monster of the Top 4 aka the Four horsemen of Apocalypse who had a very easy time. He took out FeFe in straight sets.

So today, which is the men’s semis will see Baby Ali vs. D’Joker Harlequeen and Lochness Monster vs Mr. Divadal. See this is really a toss up.

Baby Ali....this one is for you Kimmie

Harlequeen, you know that bag is going into the nook of his arm right...you can just see it already

OMG! OMG! Did you just see that? It's the Lochness Monster....They said it was not real! Oh my god! Take a picture so that I can upload it to facebook!

Mr. Divadal practicing for this next fake "injury" Oh my...I got a toothache...can the trainer come out and bring a bottle of Momentum Killer for my opponent over there cause he is not going to beat me today.

So as for my take on the menz…well I will really love it for Tsonga to win it all. I mean he is a complete outsider and it will be really great for the game to have someone way out of left field win it. Beast Boy was not so much a surprise because before his wrist injury he had been awfully close to that level and his match against Mr. Divadal showed that he is almost there on that level again. Anyway, in order for Baby Ali to get to the top, he has to beat 3 of the top 4 players in the world and that is a TALL GRANDE, GINORMOUS task. He has beaten all those players and as a matter of fact he has a 5-2 record against D’Joker so it might not be so over for him as many would like to think. France need a major winner as they last had one in in 1983 I think. In regards to Lochness Monster vs Mr. Divadal. Nessie has played progressively well throughout this tournament and Mr. Divadal has been the one to drop sets here and there. So I will give the slight edge to Nessie especially since the crowd will be favoring him. However, this is Mr. Divadal we are talking about and not some low level player. Divadal has not lost a match here since 2007 winning the titles in 2008 and 2010. He is not going anywhere quietly. It will not be fair for me to predict because they are all equally matched. I will only say who I want to win and again that is Baby Ali. So don’t forget to tune into NBC and watch tennis “Breakfast at Wimbledon” though the matches are actually played at around 2:00 p.m. British time, at 9:00 a.m. our time on both Saturday and Sunday for the matches.

Anyway, for the longest, we have not had a hottie section…well it will allegedly be a scorcher this weekend and I am going to heat things up with our hottie of the day. Someone accused me of making scathing comments about Baby Ali…(How dare they?) and I know there is one special gal out there loving them some Baby Ali so here it is, our Resident Hottie

If the body is the temple of the Lord, I want to be worshipping here come Sunday...RTF is fully behind you Baby Ali and I mean fully behind you.

Hmmm oh la la la la

Baby Ali's baby brother Enzo Tsonga (he is legal. I checked 21 and he plays with balls too. On the French junior basketball team) However, what I really want to know is if it is still considered incest if they are not touching each other but only touching me and I'm touching them? It isn't right?

Oh yes... I will be sitting on the first pew front row, so that I can catch the entire sermon and of course for bible study when one gets to study the word up close and in depth

Well I can hardly be bias and not show some other bodies

Bernard Tomic ....you know we never ever hate on the skinny itches but it just does not compare to Baby Ali

D'Joker is no oversized queen at all

Tyler Hamilton (L) Formula 1 racer... and don't know who the other guy is but I am sure no one objects to a second helping of chocolate ice scream

Definitely deserves two scoops

How does one really become an ATP trainer??

Okay is not really a hottie moment and I am not seething over the Mr. Federer loss. However, I want to draw your eyes a lil wayz down... is Mr. Federer being lude? I mean I am not going to lie he is carrying a big package in this delivery but come on brother, a proper jock strap? I can literally see where it begins and ends.

Ohimè! Morir mi sento! (The brown man has taken out the Federer Express)

In Bernard Tomic, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Novak Djokovic, Roger Federer, Wimbledon on June 29, 2011 at 12:09 pm

As if business has imitated sports or the sport of tennis has imitated business, UPS took over Federal Express and the Federer Express was stop short by the man in brown or the brown man, Jo Wilfred Tsonga.

He came on late but he came on strong

Mr. Federer….Mr. Federer… you have slayed me this day. You had a two-set lead and blew it to Baby Ali. 6-3 7-6 4-6 4-6 4-6. How could you? How could you do this to me in my very fragile state. For the first time in your career you threw away a two set lead. I knew Baby Ali was going to fight but you only broke him ONCE through out the entire match.

Frustrated Federer!

However, all credit to Baby Ali. You know we absolutely adore you. We absolutely adore you and your brother too (who I spied on this morning on television and thought WOW, lightening does strike twice in the same spot). It is said that the race is not for the swift but for the ever enduring and today that was proven to be the case. Mr. Federer, though he started out this tournament in a blaze of glory, he crashes out in a pile of ashes. He will be hard press to explain his lost but I know I am blaming Paul Annacone as part of the problem. FIRE the FCUKER already Mr. Federer.

Yeah you have nothing to say to Mr. Federer do you. You are the world's worst coach

Meanwhile, D’Joker Harlequeen did not have that easy match as I predicted but he won nonetheless in 4 tough sets. 6-2 3-6 6-3 7-5. He was almost pushed to 5 sets but alas Tomic did not have much left to give. He had an early break in the 3rd set but D’Joker made easy work of it taking 5 straight games to win the set and eventually wore him down to take the match.Congrats to Tomic and D’Joker moves on to another Wimbledon semis

D'Joker and Tomic

 

Wimbledon 2011: Update

In Andy Murray, Bernard Tomic, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Mikhail Youzhny, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams, Tsvetana Pironkova, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on June 29, 2011 at 8:13 am

Oh I have left you all out in the wilderness to be getting your tennis updates from unsavory sources. I am sincerely sorry. I have been exhausted for the past few days. Whenever I come home from work and I look at my computer, it is not what I want to deal with at the moment. For those of you who do not check the website, I did post something for the Round of 16 action and it was a hot day on Monday…a very very very hot day

It was a scorcher out there

My predictions and you know I was almost right on all accounts. I had noted for the Men’s action:

Mr. Federer, we hope you go all the way

  • Lochness Monster plays Richard Gasquet (This might be a tough match for Nessie) Nessie won of course in straight sets
  • Mr. Divadal against Beast Boy (HUGE MATCH either one can win) Mr. Divadal called out the trainer when things were not going his way to slow down Beasty momentum. Mr. Divadal won in 4 sets. 
  • D’Joker plays Michael Llodra (D’Joker) D’Joker was merely warming up on court against the Frenchman. Harlequeen won in straights. 
  • Mr. Federer plays Mikhail Youzhny (Mr. Federer of course) Mr. Federer lost the first set in a tiebreaker but cleaned up his game and took it in 4 sets. 
  • Mardy Fish former Whale takes on Lurch (I think Fish can make the upset) Fish did make the upset and in straight sets too. Lurch is going to tumble out of the rankings because he lost first round at the French having made the semis last year and he did not get to the finals of the Wimbeldon. 
  • Lukasz Kubot against FeFe (Interesting match up but I think FeFe might pull it off) Kubot was up 2 sets to love before he allowed FeFe to get his way back into the match. FeFe won in 5 sets.

Aussie Tomic...might as well get a glimpse of him now as you might not see him again

  • Bernard Tomic vs. XXX Man (Tomic is playing really good tennis plus XXX is too large) Tomic of course won. He will face D’Joker but he will be too tired. He has played 7 straight matches already but great for Aussie tennis and men’s tennis that this lil upstart is making some noise on the tour. 
  • Fiery Ferrer vs. Baby Ali (A toss up but I think Baby Ali might pull it off) Baby Ali did pull it off and in straight sets too. 

FeFe made it through

Nessie can you handle all of FeFe??

For the ladies, these were my pick,
  • The Serenanator takes on Gloria the Hippo (Serenanator of course) I was wrong about this because you know there is no shame in my game that I favour the Williams sisters. The Serenanator looked like an old model on court as the Hippo kept bouncing her around. Hippo went through to the quarters. 
  • Ebony Starr will play Pironkova (Oh Pironkova has her number but I think ES can put her in her place this time around) As if caught in a Groundhog Day nightmare, Ebony Starr was as dull as dishwater on court. She got smacked around again by this lil Bulgarian B(shut your mouth). Anyway, shame is that neither Pironkova or Fatrolli will make it to the semis, I think the other girls are far more talented.  
  • Danish Biscuit plays Cibulkova (Cibulkova because I think she wants it more) I got this one right as well Cibulkova stormed back and took it in 3 sets. 
  • Shriekapova vs Shuai Peng (Shriekapova will get this one more than likely. Peng has no power) Like a bat outta hell she dismissed Shuai Peng. Watch out for this Russian. 
  • Azarenka takes on Fatrova (Azarenka without a doubt) You know I got this right too. 
  • Sabine Lisicki plays Petra Cetkovska (Lisicki is just on a roll) This was a no contest. Lisicki took the match with ease. 
  • Yanina Wickmayer vs High Head Witch (Hmm I think Kvitova aka High Head Witch will get the win) High Head Witch was not even playing on court as opposed to casting her prodigious tennis spells around. 
  • Tamira Paszek plays Ksenia Pervak (Paszek I think) Paszek won too. 

Someone get her an asthma pump because grandma needs some air

So all in all I got like 14.5 out of 16. I say that is not bad at all.

Azarenka is my girl now

Anyway yesterday, the ladies played their quarterfinals match and true to form, neither Piranhakova and Fatrolli made it through to the semifinals. As a matter of fact, in their very first game, they were broken, something neither Williams’s sisters were able to do. As a matter of fact, I think their serves were broken almost at the wills of Head High Witch and Lisicki. Piranhakova and Fatrolli did manage to win the second sets in a tie breaker but they were dismantled in the third. It was an absolute waste of an upset they had. Anyway, I am backing Azarenka all the way. She took out her opponent late in the night as rain disrupted play once again. Shriekapova looked as though she is ready to claim another Wimbledon title. To be honest, she has been playing increasingly better as the year has gone on. She is most consistent and you know she is a fighter. She crushed Cibulkova on court allowing only two games for the Slovakian. It was most disheartening.

Jubliant Lisicki

So we are left with Shriekapova vs. Lisicki in one semis and Azarenka vs Kvitova. Unfortunately, I will not be back ing Shriekapova to go anywhere. I really want some young blood to win this title. Sorta tired of the old hens taking the title and the WTA really need some french new faces of champions. Also unfortunate is that Kvitova really looks like a witch…but she can do magic on court so I am not really hating. However, I really really like me some Azarenka and I will love for her to face Lisicki because I think she is also playing some really good tennis this fortnight.
Anyways as for the menz…Today they play their quarterfinals

I'm a take me a timeout...my footsie wootsie is hurting so "badly" God do not like ugly Mr. Divadal, he most certainly is against it and you my friend are HIDEOUS. You will soon get your comeuppance

  1. Well Mr. Federer will be facing Baby Ali (I give this one to Mr. Federer. Just too much variety and plus we at a major, Wimbledon to be exact. However, Baby Ali is not going out without a fight)
  2. Lochness Monster takes on FeFe (Well this is going to be very very interesting. I do not know how much longer FeFe can keep up his grass court game because he played 5 sets recently and Nessie is as fit as a fiddle. However, I think FeFe might just be dismissed. Although I have to say that Nessie has been under the radar and I think he is lacking real confidence. He has had a really bad year thus far.
  3. Mr. Divadal “after being cleared to play from his foot MRI” (just a load of utter fcukery) will play Mardy the Fish former whale. I will be foolish to bet against Mr. Divadal but I will love for Fish to make a big splash here. It’s just a wish. So Mr. Divadal will go through.
  4. D’Joker Harlequeen takes on Tomic and I swear it will be a massacre on court as the Serbian will complete obliterate the Australian. (An almost straight set rout for the D’Joker)

Will be an easy day at the office for this one today. He most certainly will have time to do his nails and a facial later on.

So I think you are all caught up to speed right now. Don’t forget to tune into tennis this weekend 9:00 a.m. Eastern time on both Saturday and Sunday on NBC.

Too bad we won't be seeing much of you around after today Baby Ali

Magnificent/Monster Monday at Wimbledon 2011

In Andy Murray, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Mikhail Youzhny, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Tomas Berdych, Tsvetana Pironkova, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka, Wimbledon on June 27, 2011 at 7:52 am

Although Wimbledon does not play tennis on the first Sunday (Middle Sunday) like all other majors, this results in a very unique feature. One the second Monday, all remaining singles players have to play their Round of 16 matches. It is a jam packed schedule and RTF will be there (albeit in spirit) to give you complete and controversial coverage.

Can Mr. Federer reclaim his Wimbledon crown?

On the Men’s side..
Lochness Monster plays Richard Gasquet (This might be a tough match for Nessie)
Mr. Divadal against Beast Boy (HUGE MATCH either one can win)
D’Joker plays Michael Llodra (D’Joker)
Mr. Federer plays Mikhail Youzhny (Mr. Federer of course)
Mardy Fish former Whale takes on Lurch (I think Fish can make the upset)
Lukasz Kubot against FeFe (Interesting match up but I think FeFe might pull it off)
Bernard Tomic vs. XXX Man (Tomic is playing really good tennis plus XXX is too large)
Fiery Ferrer vs. Baby Ali (A toss up but I think Baby Ali might pull it off)

Can she make it a three-peat

On the Women’s side
The Serenanator takes on Gloria the Hippo (Serenanator of course)
Ebony Starr will play Pironkova (Oh Pironkova has her number but I think ES can put her in her place this time around)
Danish Biscuit plays Cibulkova (Cibulkova because I think she wants it more)
Shriekapova vs Shuai Peng (Shriekapova will get this one more than likely. Peng has no power)
Azarenka takes on Fatrova (Azarenka without a doubt)
Sabine Lisicki plays Petra Cetkovska (Lisicki is just on a roll)
Yanina Wickmayer vs High Head Witch (Hmm I think Kvitova aka High Head Witch will get the win)
Tamira Paszek plays Ksenia Pervak (Paszek I think)

Wimbledon 2011: Catching up on Saturday Day 6

In Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Francesca Schiavone, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Lleyton Hewitt, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Mikhail Youzhny, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Wimbledon on June 26, 2011 at 6:37 am

Danish Biscuit took out the newly divorced Jarmila Gajdosova in straight sets 6-3 6-2. She is looking to be on form for her first major. However, I still think she is not ready yet for a major. She does not have that special something to make a difference over a two week tournament and there are other women on the tour with more experience and talent to contend with than she can handle. Nevertheless, she is still in the tournament so that means she has a shot at winning it. The Serenanator too, dispatched her opponent as Maria Kirilenko never had a chance during the entire match. I think she only had one break point opportunity which she could not even convert 6-3 6-2. The Serenanator is really playing herself into the championships. Maria Shriekapova also had an easy time against Czech Zakopolova 6-2 6-3.

The Serenanator is back

There were two ladies matches on the day that had some interesting antics on the court. Dominika Cibulkova was playing Julia Goerges of Germany. The ex-girlfriend of Beetlejuice (she claimed she was dycnotized) won the match in three sets. However, Goerges rounded out the umpire for mispronouncing her name calling her “Gorgeous” instead of “Gor-geez” She was trying to get all up in his grill but unfortunately it was she who was bbq as she lost 3-6 in the third. The other bit of court drama came from Gloria the Hippo who was playing Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta. When Penne Pasta took the first set 7-5, Fatoli got really really upset and shouted for her father/coach who always sits in the players’ box by himself, to get out. That’s right, she tell the man to get out of the stadium and you know what he did? I would not have believed it if I did not see it for myself, he packed up his shite and left. WOW, had that been my parents, I would have been forwarding you this newzletter via facsimile from heaven LOL. Who am I kidding, you know I would be in hell where there’s internet. LOL. Anywho, it seemed to have worked because La petite grosse pulled off the win and is through to the round of 16.

Papa, you need to get up on outta here! Pack your shite and move the fcuk on NOW! (She what I mean. She always looks untidy)

Day 6 was not a good day for the Italians as Schiabone’s luck ran out. She has as of late been playing herself into a corner so to speak and thinking she got the stamina to play herself out of it. However, she came up the Austrian Tamira Paszek who was not having any of that and willing to play toe to toe with the bambino. Schiabone who served for the match was caught up in another marathon and her race was ran as she could not hold on. She lost the match 3-6 6-4 11-9. Perhaps next time around, she would look to deliver the death blow a lot earlier and stop toying with players as she’ll only end up getting played.

Francesco Schiabone, not the cutest ladyboy around. I swear her rib is sticking out more than her "pecs"

In other wins, Sabine Lisicki of Germany followed up her upset win with another win and moved into the Round of 16 as did Shuai Peng of China who now carries the flag for the Chinese. She took out Melinda Czink who had taken out Sam D’Stove Stosur in the first round. Ana Ivanovic lost early again against a relative no name in Petra Cetkovska. Since winning the French in 2008 and making it to the Aussie Open final earlier in the year, Ana has plained all 13 majors since and never progressed passed the 4th round and if I am not mistaken, she only got to the 4th round like three of those 10 majors. She is looking a lil skinny if you ask me and no doubt dealing with some mental issues with her seemingly inexplicable bad form. I think it is time we dubbed her Ivanovic the Terrible. Anyway, while on the subject of terrible play, it has just made it to my ears that Dinara Safina has taken an indefinite leave of absence from the tour. I am sorry to hear that. She is a really good player. No doubt injury and self doubt as well as rubbish talk from commenthaters all led to this decision. I wish her the best.

Ivana the Terrible

She is definitely looking a bit malnourished

She use to be a lot fuller like here

Regarding the menz, well Diviadal…I mean Mr. Divadal had to finish up his match against Gilles Muller and again it seemed as though he could not get pass the Luxembourger’s serve and they were locked in another tiebreak. Mr. Divadal pulled it out and quickly solved that problem as he did not drop another game and quickly raced to the 4th round 7-6 7-6 7-0. Mr. Divadal is really looking to start a streak here at Wimbledon, he is 17-0 here at Wimbledon, having last lost in the 2007 finals against Mr. Federer, bearing in mind that he did not play in 2009 as he was to embarrassed when he lost the French Open to Robin Hood Soderling. Do not believe that bullshit about him having knee issues. Whenever, Mr. Divadal is losing he calls injury. Of course he used that tactic against Muller calling the trainer on court. He did the same thing against Mr. Federer in the French Open final. Called out the trainer when Mr. Federer was up 5-2. I do not like that sort of play from Mr. Divadal, he is too old and experienced to be pulling those cheap stunts. It speaks rather ill of him.

I know you really telling me to kiss your @$$ but I have to say, your waist is not at your navel or near your throat okay. Pull that girdle down gurl.

Mr. Divadal was not the only player to have to finish up his match as Beast Boy finished off the Frenchman Gilles Simon and Lurch dusted off the American Alex Bogomolov Jr. Beetlejuice who was locked in a tight battle with the Pole Kubot lost in 4 sets. 3-6 6-3 6-3 6-3. Yet another underwhelming performance at a tournament for the French beast. I think Monfils should take up another sport because he is not really making much headways in tennis. And for heaven’s sake, get those bloody teeth fixed.

Beetlejuice went away...ahhhhh

Mr. Federer played a very tactical match against an old nemesis, David Nalbandian of Argentina. Nalbandian at one point owned Mr. Federer but has struggled as of late to get past the Swiss Master. Mr. Federer is looking impeccable so far and his serve is really holding up. He dealt with the Argentine in straight sets. D’Joker Harlequeen was having a tough time with Marcos Fatdatis and almost ended up in a 5 setter but he dealt with the chubby cubster in 4 sets. Fadatis is a really good player and he has made it to the semifinals of Wimbledon in the past but that was the past when he could see past his waistline. Nevertheless, though the pundits want to make this Wimbledon a Mr. Divadal/Mr. Federer affair, I would not sleep on Harlequeen. He is being very stingy went it comes to losing points and he is determined to win matches at any cost. I give him a chance to win the title but you know I will never back him over Mr. Federer.

D'Joker Harlequeen is willing to work you over on court for the win

And does he ever work it out on court. Look at the accessories

Meanwhile his so called girlfriend up in the stands looking like some air hostess. Sweety, you just a beard and you trying way too hard. Why don't you go do something useless like get us some peanuts and a stiff drink because that scarf is simply giving me a headache.

Anyway Hood got the Aussie beatdown that Dingo Dog Hewitt was unable to do in the previous round. Apparently hampered by the long arduous match against Hewitt, Hood Soderling came out very very flat against Australia’s Bernard Tomic. Tomic, a qualifier had to play three rounds of qualifying before he got into the main draw so he has played a lot of tennis. He dispatched the Swede as though he were the one ranked 5 in the world and not 158. Hood in his defense was not 100% and had the trainer out to assist but in the end he could not get it up to get over the Aussie.

Well pardon me Sir... hmmm

OOOKAY...Who gives a shit if you lose but look at those abs...Not gonna hate! I am jealous.

In other wins, Fiery Ferrer is still bringing as he took out Karl Beck in straight sets. Jurgen Melzer, the 11th seed is out when he lost to Xavier Malisse aka XXX-Man.

Jurgen Melzer is always having a meltdown on court.

Mardy Fish former whale is the lone American man as he made to the Round of 16 when Robin Hasse retired. Michael Llodra of France took out Yen-Hsun Lu in straight sets and Mikhail Youzhny defeated Spain’s Nicolas Almagro. So you are all caught up in the affairs and set for this MAGNIFICENT/MONSTER MONDAY at Wimbledon when all the remaining players are on court for the Round of 16.

Mardy Fish former Whale is definitely not floundering on the grass this year

Mama Williams...well it's Mama Price... We stealing from movie sets now? You need to give back the Wiz their wig and Harry Potter needs his glasses. He can't see without them....get it together m'am.

I mean come on now. You really insisting on coming outside looking like this here? It's not okay. Definitely not okay.

Beast Boy....he needs to be sheered

That's right you can do it... don't forget to point your toes

Up up up

It's a flying Beetlejuice

Oh Maria! I know we are always hating on you

That's right you have to give it some air. Don't want a thunder cyat on our hands do we.

But we are not going to hate... your man is goodlooking

Gurl...maybe it is time you start doing it from a different position. Cause dropping to your knees all the time is no good for your health anymore