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2015 Australian Open: Day 1 of Horrors!

In Ana Ivanovic, Andreas Seppi, Andy Murray, Angelique Kerber, Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Borna Coric, Carla Suarez Narravo, Christina McHale, David Goffin, Dustin Brown, Ekaterina Makarova, Eugenie Bouchard, Fernando Verdasco, Genie Bouchard, Grigor Dimitrov, Jiri Vesely, Juan Monaco, Kei Nishikori, Maria Sharapova, Mikhail Youzhny, Na Li, Nick Kyrgios, Petra Kvitova, Philipp Kohlschreiber, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roberta Vinci, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Simona Halep, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Robredo, Yaroslava Shevedova on January 19, 2015 at 6:54 pm
Hey y'all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open.  I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don't get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

Hey y’all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open. I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don’t get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

So the 2015 Australian Open has officially begun! And boy or gurl or lady depending on who you are, was it an explosive first day, particularly on the women’s side. It was as though a cyclone or something ripped through the draw as the top seeds were being scattered left, right and center. These female underlings were gunning for the top seeds and trying to get that 2nd round money because it is definitely more than the cheque for the 1st round. Things were so massive that we do not even have time to chit chat, we have to go right to main story! 

Of the 16 seeded players from the bottom half who took to court to play their 1st round matches, EIGHT of them lost. That’s right, 8/16, half of them, 50% of them were sent packing; dismissed; bid adieu; arrivederci or as they say in Australia, goodbye! It was amazing and shocking to a certain extent and I have seen a lot of tennis. I mean granted that several of them were not really surprises or upsets in my book. However, the sheer magnitude of the fallout was too epic to go unnoticed.

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN'S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN’S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

So let’s look at the damage done. The highest seed to fall was Ana Ivanovic (5) aka Ivanovic the Terrible. Now Ana took on Lucie Hradecka (pronounced Herdeskka, I know but it is Czech if I am not mistaken) Anyway, Ana was cruising 6-1 in the 1st set and I swore she was going to sail through this match. However, we all know how Ivanovic the Terrible be showing up and wrecking Ana’s life and sure enough out came doppelganger. Ana’s ball toss was all over the place for the serve. She was stretching like it was Pilates class out there and Hradecka was enjoying the free points and nice cracks at the silly serves. Hradecka then wrapped up the match 1-6 6-3 6-2! Needless to say that Ana tried to stall things by going up to the chair umpire several times mid-game. She can never lose gracefully #checkyourpressuregurl

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please!

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please! Get out of my head!

After Ana was sent home, then came Carebear Kerber (9) who was off kilter from the beginning of the match v Irina-Camelia Begu. Begu was serious about the upset from the very start. She got the early breaks and though Kerber broke back, Begu was undeterred as she took the 1st set 6-4. Begu got broken early in the 2nd set and decided smartly I guess to tank the set altogether. She did enough to make Angie work for it and gave away the set at love. However, in the 3rd set, she unleashed her reserves and Angie was left scrambling at the back of the court. She returned the kindness of the bagel from Angie with a breadstick for the German. Begu bagged the upset win 6-4 0-6 6-1.

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Two other big upsets were Lucie Safarova (16) aka Lady Gollum and Carla Suarez-Navarro (17). Safarova can be a dangerous floater but it seemed that she drew another dangerous floater in the form of Yaroslava Shvedova for a 1st round match. Shevedova came out inspired to score the upset on the 1st day and succeeded as she dismissed the Czech 6-4 2-6 8-6. Carla was just disappointing all around. She did not even put up much of a fight as some Carina Witthoeft took her out 3-6 1-6. To be honest I am not even going to shed any tears for Carla because I will never forget that Aussie Open 2009 when she took out Granny Vee in the 2nd round.

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Two veteran players, Svetlana Kuznetsova (27) aka Kuzi-Rex and Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki, got outplayed by two French women, Caroline Garcia and Kristina Mladenovic respectively. Kuzi-Rex was just not in the game at all. She allowed Garcia to take the upperhand in the match from the jump and only broke her in order to save face. Garcia nonetheless got the win 6-4 6-2. Mladenovic had a tougher time against Lose-sicki as she dropped the opening set 4-6. However, after trading breaks early in the 2nd set, Mladenovic consolidated finally and kept on holding to take the match 4-6 6-4 6-2.

I don't know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

I don’t know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

The final two of the top seeds to get bounced are not really upsets in my book but by virtue of the rankings, they do register as “upsets”. Julia Goerges played a great match from start to finish to take out Belinda Bencic (32) in straight sets 6-2 6-1 and Yanina Wickmayer steadied herself after losing the opening set 4-6 to knock out Anastasia Fattychunkova (23) 4-6 6-3 6-3. And like I said, although we have to call these upsets because of the rankings, it is really not that serious. Bencic and Fattychunkova were not going to do anything anyway.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey I don't lose to scrubs in early round of majors.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey (head of the WTA) I don’t lose to scrubs in early round of majors. That’s Serena. Don’t get it twisted!

Well not that we took care of the “big losers” we can talk about the “big winners”. Martha Shriekapova (2) and Simona Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide were both looking rusty as hell in their opening round matches. Neither was in danger of losing the match. However, perhaps if they were playing a more seasoned opponent, things could have been interesting. Nonetheless, they both won their matches in straight sets and through to the 2nd round. Martha 6-4 6-1 over Petra Martic and Halep 6-3 6-2 over Karin Knapp.

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Genie Bouchard (7) who has to defend her semifinal points from last year, is one step closer as she took out Anna-Lena Friedsam 6-2 6-4. I am not sure she will get back to the semis but she as hell did not lose in the 1st round so good of her. Another winner is Ekaterina Makarova (10) [I do not even realize she was ranked so high on the charts]. Anyway Makarova took out An-Sophie (I mean seriously that is her name) Mestach 6-2 6-2. Sara Errani (14) dismantled American Grace Min 6-1 6-0 in less than an hour.

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn't fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn’t fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life! And congrats on the win!

Other notable winners include 2014 US Open semifinalist Shuai Peng (21) and Pliskova (22) both won in straight sets. Zarina Diyas (31) took out Aga Lite aka Urszula Radwanska in 3 sets. Roberta Vinci beat Bojana Jovanovski in straight sets as Bethanie Mattek-Sands overcame her opponent Ying-Ying Duan in 3 sets. American Christina McFail was near the exit when she had an opportune bout of nausea resulting in a Medical Time Out. Of course she recovered in time to hold serve like a boss against Frenchwoman Stephanie Foretz. McFail got her act together to win the match 12-10 in the final set. Again these ladies resorting to tricks whenever their backs are up against the wall! These trainers should have to give a full report upon each visit to the court and if the illness is not “real and/or possible” the player has to pay a fine. They are getting too ridiculous with these MTOs now.

That was a great read Realz

That was a great read Realz

On the men’s side, things were far more copacetic than it was on the women’s side. In fact, I think there was only 1 major casualty and again if we look at the big picture, it was no real surprise. However, let’s deal with the usual suspects first.

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair .. or at least whatever is left of it

Divadal may try telling the world that he is not a favourite for this Aussie Open title, but like all things coming out of Divadal’s mouth regarding his health and fitness, it is a lie straight from the pit of tennis hell. Divadal (3) came out against Mikhail Youzhny on fire. Youzhny who is no real slouch most of the times, really had no answer against the Spaniard. Divadal was hitting winners from all over the court in the most impossible and improbable positions. The commentators from both ESPN and EuroSport were beside themselves. It was a circle jerk at times how they were fawning over Divadal. They talked about how his shorts were “the shortest ever”, they talked about how they “missed him so much” and even about this look and body. It was too much. Anyway, Divadal is through 6-3 6-2 6-2.

I am back and don't none of you bitches forget that!

I am back to full force and don’t none of you bitches forget that!

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer (2) again appears on target to extend his 11-year run to the Aussie Open semifinal or better stage. He took out Yen-Hsun Lu in straight sets 6-4 6-2 7-5. Lochness Murray (6) made a meal of his match against Yuki Bhambri but in the end he won in straight sets 6-3 6-4 7-6(3). Berdshite (7) also made life a bit difficult for himself against Alejandro Falla but he still got the job done in 3 sets, 6-3 7-6(1) 6-3. Grigor Dimitrov (10) aka Martha’s Bulgarian handbag had an easy day at the office when he took out German-Jamaican Dusty Brown 6-2 6-3 6-2. The worst part of the matter was that Dusty Brown thought he was going to factor in this match. He at one point appeared as though he was trying to do something of interest on the court. Thankfully Dimitrov got his clutch together and snapped those foolish desires away.

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Other winners included Kevin Anderson (14) who at 6’8” (2.03m) took on an opponent more than a foot beneath him, Diego Schwartzman who is 5’7” (1.7m). Anderson still had to fight for his life as Schwartzman was digging at his heels. Anderson took the match in 4 sets. David Goffin (20) aka the Hobbit also won in 4 sets over American Mike Russell. Most of the top seeds won their matches in straight sets including Philipp Kohlschreiber (22), Ivo Karlovic (23), Richard Gasquet (24), Leonardo Mayer (26) and Martin Klizan (32). Lukas Rosol (28) who at 6’5” (1.96m) had the rare opponent whose face he had to look up to see, Kenny DeScheppers, 6’8” (2.03m). It was a virtual battle of the giants. However, Rosol eked out the win in 5 sets to advance to the 2nd round. A possible 3rd round encounter with Divadal looms in the draw if both players can win their next match.

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

There were several matches with winners that should be of some interests to some people. Lukas Lacko, Jurgen Melzer and Viktor Troicki were all winners on Day 1. Melzer came through from qualification showing  some Q3 (final round) heroics on the court. So good of him to come back from the brink of defeat in the qualies  and win a maindraw match to make some 2nd round money. Troicki who won Sydney this past weekend faced the winner from Auckland, Jiri Vesely. Unfortunately, someone had to go home and it was Vesely in 4 sets. Jeremy Chardy (29) escaped a youthful Borna Coric who seemed to have thought that enthusiasm made up for experience. Coric took the 1st set but then played the big points poorly for the rest of the match. Chardy thus capitalized on his inexperience to take the match in 4 sets.

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major. He made life very easy for Chardy. Nonetheless, the 18-year is still HOT

Another interesting result is that of Andreas Seppi v Denis Istomin. This first round encounter was their 5th meeting at a major and in each of the 4 previous matches, they all went the distance. They both won 2 matches a piece. This 5th match was no different as it again went to a decisive 5th set. Seppi won it this time around and moved through to the 2nd round. In other news and more so from the rumour mill, Divadal’s boo, Juan Monaco, Pico, lost to Italian Simone Bollelli. Please note that the rumour is not that Monaco lost but the fact that he is Divadal’s boo.

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic?

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic? I thought you said I shouldn’t go after stupid boys

As we are in Australia at the Australian Open, I think it prudent that we note the achievements of the Aussie men because we all know that the Aussie ladies be a mess in Melbourne. Several of the local favourites extended their stay in Melbourne including the hotness that is Sam Groth. So happy he is sticking around some more. Marinko Matosevic and James Duckworth also won and will play in the 2nd round. Bernard Tomic aka Tampomic was in a bit of trouble against Tobias Kamke of Germany but it seems that Kamke was merely wasting time. He had difficulty holding onto any of the leads that he had and eventually got sweeped aside in 4 sets.

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st "major" seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st “major” seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Now there were two other matches which produced a lot of joy and excitement for the local crowd. Thanasi Kokkinakis and fellow Greek-Aussie Nick Kyrgios aka St. Nicky Kripsy Kringles both won tough 5-set matches. Kokkinakis took out Ernests Gulbis (11). I know Gulbis would not disappoint me by being disappointing in this opening round match. I have no idea why Gulbis lost this match other than to say that it was his entire entire fault. Kokkinaskis took it 5-7 6-0 1-6 7-6(2) 8-6. Krispy Kringles had his own dramatics calling out the trainer to deal with his “back”. He was struggling against Frederico Delbonis (the name sounds familiar but I do not know who he is either). Anyway, Kringles won 7-6(2) 3-6 6-3 6-7 6-3.

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

Anyway, that is enough about the matches! We look forward to Day 2. I hope it is nowhere near as crazy as this first day. That is to say, I hope the Williams Sisters do not lose. They have signed up for doubles and I have no idea why Granny Vee is adding more work to her schedule considering that she has Sjogren but you know I am not even going to touch this right now. Don’t forget that Slowe Stephens v Vickie is slated! Should be a very interesting match to say the least! Anyway fanz enjoy the posting and DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT!!

BIG PICTURE MIXED BAG IS BACK

I am so excited that this is back!!

I am so excited that this is back!!

 #TeamHotties

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Dimitrov, Grigor|atpd875

Grigor’s stock have gone down as of late especially since he’s playing “house” with Martha but he can still get it.

2015+Australian+Open+Day+1+wdkuFbCGS3Rl

Andreas Seppi isn’t looking at his best but he cannot get any worst! This Italian sausage is a sure bet on #teamcandefinitelygetit

f_190115_nadalferrer_11

We are not here for Divadal. He is just giving Fake Fire Ferrer more shine!

Off+Court+2015+Australian+Open+nKlV6pLaFsOl

Tabasco Verdasco has definitely sen better days but he is still able to make the rounds as a resident hottie in these parts

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

#TeamCutie

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

#TeamNottie

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you're a grown man

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you’re a grown man

See he could be on #teamhottie

See he could be on #teamhottie

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

I don't know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I don’t know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she's definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she’s definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

Am I wrong?

Am I wrong?

MIXED BAG PHOTOS

There is nothing I love more than when Tennis Players meet for an event. Here we have the IMG Agency party and so much goodies here for Realz to get it. 

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my list of my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He's a nightmare right about now

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He’s a nightmare right about now! He has definitely been traded

Look at Heather. I don't get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain't cute!

Look at Heather. I don’t get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain’t cute! And let’s talk about that dress. That’s some avant garde upholstery fabric sewed together with some old pleather jacket and you trying to pass it off as fashion. #Gurlbye

I can't even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better

I can’t even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. The clothes are cute but she is not making them work. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better. Meanwhile, I don’t know why the front of the jeans are bunching up like there is extra junk in that compartment. That was not a read, just being realz! #truthdotcom

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can't get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that.

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can’t get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that. 

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend said, gurl let's go to this party, just put on some shoes. So Genie just stuck her top into her pants and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. The gurl on the right killed it!

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend (cause no way in hell a good friend let this happen) said, gurl let’s go to this party down the block, just put on some shoes and let’s go. So Genie just stuck her nightgown top into this pajama bottom shorts and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. Guess Again! The gurl on the right, Tomlijanovic, killed it!

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she's wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she's 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there's no baby.

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a style team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she’s wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. But I can’t even be mad at the kitten heels because everything else is so RIGHT!!Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she’s 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there’s no baby.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don't need those fake ones anymore.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don’t need those fake ones anymore that I have at home.

Weather Problem? 

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne or so I thought …

So why are these people wearing this? That's a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

So why are these people wearing this? That’s a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

It’s just a gay ole time in Melbourne 

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Then we have the "Genie Army" but what I don't get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

Then we have the “Genie Army” but what I don’t get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He's relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that's his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don't think Uncle Toné approves of this message

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He’s relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that’s his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don’t think Uncle Toné approves of this message

 

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2015 Australian Open: Menz Preview

In Andy Murray, Australian Open, Borna Coric, David Ferrer, David Goffin, Donald Young, Dustin Brown, Feliciano Lopez, Fernando Verdasco, Gael Monfils, Gilles Simon, Grigor Dimitrov, Jerzy Janowicz, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kei Nishikori, Lleyton Hewitt, Lukas Rosol, Mikhail Youzhny, Milos Raonic, Nick Kyrgios, Nicolas Almagro, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roger Federer, Stanislas Wawrinka, Tennis, Tomas Berdych on January 18, 2015 at 1:32 pm

2015+Australian+Open+Previews+OwuetKlzywtl

So here we are at the Australian Open 2015, January 19-February 1! I feel like we always start out each new major posting with the same tired line. However, really and truly I am not sure how else to begin! I mean we all know why we are here and what we are about. So why complicate matters? Wait, I could have started out by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR to my old fanz and the new fanz we hope to get this coming year! I am hoping that 2015 bring RealzTenisFanz into more homes, screens, mobile devices and tennis fans’ consciousness. We are not seeking legitimacy here because RealzTenisFanz is and has always been a “prestigious publication”. RealzTenisFanz is however seeking more recognition, more publicity because let us be real about the matter, RealzTenisFanz does not really have much us an audience! We are going to change that for 2015. We are also going to change the fact that FANZ NEED TO COMMENT BELOW!

COMMENT BELOW

COMMENT BELOW

In case you are new to RealzTenisFanz and I hope that many of you are new, we keep it realz and controversial in these parts. We do not hold back and we have no/nil/nilch/zero fcuks and/or cares to give! You will love it here because we allow everyone to have a say (PLEASE COMMENT BELOW) and also even if you are a casual fan of tennis or know nothing at all about the sport, RealzTenisFanz has something for you! So stick around and again Happy New Year to all my peeps and haters too! Trust and believe, Realz got nothing but admiration for my haters who can stay so bitter and keep on giving me shine! Bless your evil hearts!

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Anyway, let us not digress too much! We are here for another year of tennis courtesy the many players on both the ATP and WTA! We all have ones we love (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), those we hate (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), some we pretend do not exist (Fake Fire Ferrer, St. Nick Krispy Kringle, Berdshite, Ernests Gulbis, Lordlize Cornemort, Garbine Muguruza, Tsvetana Pironkova) and those we do not even know exist (Michael Berrer, Zarina Diyas, Pablo Cuevas, Santiago Gulbis). Nonetheless, Realz is here to make all this simple and easy. Realz take away all the fluff, pomp and circumstances of “traditional and/or mainstream sports media” and give it to you straight, stiff and strong … Who am I kidding, ain’t nothing straight in these parts unless we mean “Spaghetti Straight”; it is straight until you cook it.

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Enough grandstanding, so we are at the Australian Open in Melbourne and we have to do the traditional bit of “Picks of the Tournaments”! However, I often find this all very boring, dull and merely a lot of hot air talk mixed with bullshit analysis. I am not one to favour picking a winner because as you all know, Realz subscribes to the maxim, “The game is won and lost on the field not on paper!” Nonetheless, we can do some talking about the draw and checking out how things are stacked and who might get where or who might get nowhere or even who just not anywhere at all. Of course, we will have the obligatory photos to shade and shadow the players!

So let us begin with the MENZ (Do note that the WOMENZ’s breakdown will be issued in a separate post. The next post after this in fact!)

As have been the case as of late, I break the draw down into halves, then quarters and then further still into eighths. I find this way easier to deal and manage. I also wish I can come up with a cool graphic to display it all but Realz ain’t got money for all that so it will be down the good ole fashioned bootleg way! That is to say, it will be mostly words.

BELOW IS THE BREAKDOWN OF THE TOP 32 SEEDS!

2015 Australian Open Top Menz Seeds

Top Half

Bottom Half

1. Novak Djokovic (Djoker Harlequeen) 2. Roger Federer (Mr. Federer/Mr. Federror)
4. Stan Wawrinka (Stanley) 3. Rafael Nadal (Divadal)
5. Kei Nishikori (Horsikori) 6. Andy Murray (Lochness Monster)
8. Milos Raonic (Dennis the Menace) 7. Tomas Berdych (Berdshite)
9. David Ferrer (Fake Fire Ferrer) 10. Grigor Dimitrov (Maria’s Bulgarian handbag)
12. Feliciano Lopez (FeFe Lopez) 11. Ernests Gulbis (Nothing has stick yet)
13. Roberto Bautista-Agut (Not Worthy) 14. Kevin Anderson (Not Worthy)
16. Fabio Fognini (Pignini) 15. Tommy Robredo (Not Worthy)
17. Gael Monfils (Beetlejuice) 20. David Goffin (Hobbit)
18. Gilles Simon (Chicken Legs/Drumsticks) 22. Philipp Kohlschreiber (Nothing has stick yet)
19. John Isner (Big Friend Giant Mountain Troll) 23. Ivo Karlovic (Nothing has stick yet)
21. Alexandr Dolgopolov (BWLLAGWLLAB) 24. Richard Gasquet (Nothing has stick yet)
25. Julien Benneteau (Julie B) 26. Leonardo Mayer (Mulling over a name for him)
27. Pablo Cuevas (Have no idea who he is) 28. Lukas Rosol (Ended Divadal’s 2012 life)
30. Santiago Giraldo (Who he?) 29. Jeremy Chardy (Not Worthy)
31. Fernando Verdasco (Tabasco Verdasco) 32. Martin Klizan (Not Worthy)

*Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person! 
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

So let us begin:

Djoker (1) v Stanley (4) Top Half

Bae, why does your face feel like it got attacked by a meat tenderizer?

Bae, why does your face feel like it got attacked by a meat tenderizer?

Djoker (1) v Raonic (8) Quarter

You all know I am here to pick up my 5th Aussie Open title

You all know I am here to pick up my 5th Aussie Open title

Djoker’s Section Eighth: The 4-time Aussie Open Champion, Djoker, opens his bid for a 5th title with a qualifier. He has no one of real quality until a possible 3rd round showing against Tabasco Verdasco (31) a previous semifinalist here if I am not mistaken. However, if we are going to be serious here, Tabasco Verdasco has long since failed to be a hot consistent player on tour unless we are talking body hot and even there he is lacking as of late. Truth be told, he is playing more like mayonnaise than hot sauce these days. I am actually surprised that he is seeded here at all. Therefore, Djoker should have no trouble at all getting to the 4th Round where he could meet either John Isner (19) aka BFG Mountain Troll or Roberto Bautista-Agut (13) who has a different Spanish style of game. He hits a flat ball compared to his other compatriots. Djoker should get to quarters no problemo to face a real threat of sorts Milos Raonic!

Don't forget about me!
Don’t forget about me! I might be spoiling some people’s plans!

Raonic’s Section Eighth: In the quarters for the Serbian, looms another big server in the form of Raonic (8). The Canadian should also get to the quarters but he has to be very very smart about his tennis. There are several well-experienced players in his eighth of the draw and they can be rather problematic. There are also a lot of tall players in this section. No doubt Raonic should move past the first two rounds. However, waiting for him in the 3rd round could be Julie B (25) or Lleyton Hewitt who even though is old and broken, does tend to like to stir things up when the big lights are on him. The organizers will definitely schedule this matchup on primetime and on Rod Laver Arena. However, Raonic should be able to handle this pressure by now. A 4th round possibility for the Canadian is Fefe Lopez (12) or Monfils aka Beetlejuice (17) and if he gets Beetlejuice, he might be in serious trouble. There are several matches in this section which should be rightly entertaining: A possible Juan Martin Del Potro (back from long term wrist injury) verses another giant in Jerzy Janowicz in the 1st round, then the winner of this faces Beetlejuice and the winner of that match play a possible Lopez (12) in the 3rd round and then that winner play Raonic. It is like the “Battle of the Giants”

*Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy has just pulled out of the Aussie Open citing precaution of a possible wrist injury! SUCH A SHAME. He will be replaced by Hiroki Moriya from Japan. I have NO IDEA who he is. As we are talking about those who will not be here, we should mention that Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Marin Cilic have both pulled out of the tournament citing injuries. Tsonga would be missed but I think Cilic pulled out because of the pressure of living up to his US Open win at the next major! It would be less pressure at the French Open where he is hardly favoured to win. 

Stanley (4) v Horsikori (5) Quarter

Don't get it twisted folks, I am defending champion so I got street creds for this here title!

Don’t get it twisted folks, I am defending champion so I got street creds for this here title!

Stanley’s Section Eighth: Stanley (4) should get to the Round of 16 without any hiccups whatsoever. I do not believe he will retain his surprise title from last year. No Shade No T here, Stanley took out Djoker, Berdshite and Divadal en route to the title. That was a real Herculean effort, unlikely to be repeated ever again but he still deserves praise for that accomplishment. However, he has the potential of at least getting to the semis which considering his usual pedigree would be a major achievement in and of itself. He could face in the 4th round (Round of 16), Fabio Fognini aka Pignini (16) and this I doubt because Pignini with slaughter himself along the way.

The teeth though!

The teeth though!

Horsikori’s Section Eighth: Horsikori (5) might have a tougher time getting to the quarterfinals. Gilles Simons (18) aka Chicken Legs or Drumsticks is capable of being a tough opponent if he plays to his true potential and not his shoe size. Kei will however, start off his Melbourne campaign against Nicolas Almagro who is returning to tour from long term injury. It is nice to see him back on tour, in fact, I love to see his back on tour because his behind is muy caliente. Horsikori should get to the Round of 16 where he can potentially face Fake Fire Ferrer (9) who is desperate to get back in top 5 ranking. Ferrer loves nothing better than to occupy that 5th place spot! He will be coming for Horsikori’s mane.

I mean look at this booty of Almagro! #icant

I mean look at this booty of Almagro! #icant

And this bodé! I mean he is not going to be around long so we have to soak up as much as we can while we can!

And this bodé! I mean he is not going to be around long so we have to soak up as much as we can while we can! 

Fake Fire Ferrer doesn't like being so close to bottom of the top 10! For him, being 5 in the world is Number 1 in his book, so best believe, he is looking to get back up there in 2015

Fake Fire Ferrer doesn’t like being so close to bottom of the top 10! For him, being 5 in the world is Number 1 in his book, so best believe, he is looking to get back up there in 2015

Mr. Federer (2) v Divadal (3) Bottom Half

Mr. Federer giving Divadal the sideeye having had his wig snatched by the Spaniard in Melbourne so many times now

Mr. Federer giving Divadal the sideeye having had his wig snatched by the Spaniard in Melbourne so many times now

Divadal (3) v Berdshite (7) Quarter

Berdshite is still around ... however, the tournament haven't started yet

Berdshite is still around … however, the tournament haven’t started yet

Berdshite’s Section Eighth: Berdshite should get to the Round of 16 at the very least. However, knowing how this Czech can go well off the rails, he is capable of losing in the 1st round as well as getting to the semifinals with some luck. He might face some stiff competition in the 3rd round if Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) is also playing up to his true potential. The same can also be said for Ernests Gulbis (11) who might face Berdshite in the 4th Round. Also lurking in these parts are Kevin Anderson (14) who has yet to get a win over Berdshite (one of the few sure things in Berdshite’s life) and also Gasquet (24). This section of the draw has the potential of a surprise quarterfinalist and/or some “upsets”.

Divadal is here people! Don't get it twisted, he might have been "sick" for months now but he is dangerous in Melbourne

Divadal is here people! Don’t get it twisted, he might have been “sick” for months now but he is dangerous in Melbourne

Divadal’s Section Eighth: Divadal has an easy ride into the semifinals. The former champion here in 2009 and last year’s finalist is looking to prove his worth after disappearing yet again from the tour with an “abnormal case of appendicitis”. He looked rusty in Doha losing to Michael Berrer (I don’t know who he is either) but there is virtually no one in these parts that Divadal cannot handle. However, I would have thought he could have handled the scrub Berrer. Nonetheless, this is a major and Divadal usually gets his life together for these big occasions. He opens against Mikhail Youzhny who is a former top 20 player but somehow found himself lurking in the far depth of the ranking. Youzhny if I am not mistaken has a win against Divadal at a major but I doubt it very much if he will be so lucky again. While we are on the subject of surprise win over Divadal at a major, in this section lurks the mercurial Lukas Rosol (28) who might be Divadal’s 3rd round opponent. However, I am not even sure if Rosol would get that far in the draw but I thought it only fair to point out that there was a potential of it happening.

Mr. Federer (2) v Lochness Monster Murray (6) Quarter

You know if I don't at least get to the finals, you're fired right Amelie?

You know if I don’t at least get to the finals, you’re fired right Amelie?

Lochness Monster’s Section Eighth: Now the end of last year did not bode well for the Scotsman who is a 3-time finalist here in Melbourne. He got his ass whipped by Mr. Federer at the Year Ending Championships; 0-6 1-6. After this result, Nessie fired his entire team with the lone exception of Amelie Mauresmo. He also decided to make it official with his long term girlfriend Kim Sears (I think that is how her name is pronounced but I hardly care one way or the other) Anyway, he too should have an easy time getting to the 2nd week of the tournament. He will potentially face Dimitrov (10) who I am not sure about as of late.

Dimitrov is looking to get his bag straps together!

Dimitrov is looking to get his bag straps together!

I have no clue which version of Martha’s Bulgarian handbag will show up in Melbourne. This clutch could play tennis like the real deal from the luxury shop or show up here like a knockoff from Chinatown. He should have no trouble getting past German Jamaican Dustin Brown in the 1st round. Brown I am sure will be spending the match thinking about all the tweets about him because after the match he will spend all his time retweeting. This fool spends more time retweeting on Twitter than on the actual tennis court. He swears he is the shite. Meanwhile, he cannot make the German Davis Cup team. #gurlbye Anyway, if Dimitrov is not up to the task, lil Hobbit David Goffin (20) might be there ready to take his spot in the 4th Round.

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Mr. Federer is ready to claim his 5th Aussie Open title!

Mr. Federer’s Section Eighth: Mr. Federer also has an easy time to quarters. Hopefully the teenager, Borna Coric can get his life together and win a couple of rounds to meet Mr. Federer in the 3rd round. Otherwise, Jeremy Chardy (29) might be Mr. Federer’s opponent. Not much to fear still unless one counts Tommy Robredo (15) who took out Mr. Federer at the 2013 US Open. Mr. Federer looked good coming into Melbourne having won the Brisbane title. He looked in great form as he dispatched both Dimitrov and Raonic. However, despite the immense talents that both Dimitrov and Raonic possess, they are hardly the real problem for Mr. Federer. If Mr. Federer wants to win this title, he has to beat Divadal and Djokovic back to back in a major. This is a HUGE ORDER especially at 33 years old. However, if anyone can get it done, it is Mr. Federer. Hopefully luck is on his side as well. 

Youngster Borna Coric is looking to make a splash on the tour this year

Youngster Borna Coric is looking to make a splash on the tour this year

OVERALL IMPRESSION OF THE MENZ DRAW

There is not really much else to say. The draw is evenly distributed. I really do not think that the bottom half is stacked more so than the top. However, the Melbourne organizers see it fit to place Mr. Federer and Divadal on the same side of the draw AGAIN. Mr. Federer who has made it to the Aussie Open semis or better (4-time Champion here) since 2004 (AMAZING RECORD), always seem to bump into Divadal a lot. Anyway, I think Djoker is the favourite no matter how you slice it. Whether he would win is another matter altogether but he is the one trending in my book. Supposedly, the weather in Melbourne will be cooler over the next two weeks and the courts are playing faster … allegedly. Now this might give Mr. Federer is good chance to claim his 18th major title but that is still is BIG ASK!

Never count out Divadal. He is on 14 majors and he is looking for number 15 to edge even closer to Mr. Federer in the top major winner category. A win here at the Aussie Open would make him the 2nd man in the Open-Era (open meaning that the sport is open to both tennis professionals and amateurs) to win each major at least twice! Meanwhile, Lochness Murray is desperate to keep his name in the “Honourable Mention” section in light of the top 3 players listed above. He can definitely make the necessary noise here to do so by winning this elusive title. However, for him to get to the final and win this title will require a Herculean effort. I am not sure he has that power.

Mr. Nicky Kripsy Kringles Kyrgios is confused as to what the deal is. He looks like he's ready for some ratchet fashion shoot in some back alley

Mr. Nicky Kripsy Kringles Kyrgios is confused as to what the deal is. He looks like he’s ready for some ratchet fashion shoot in some back alley

I don't know why Hewitt's son Cruz is on the court. Seems like daddy has babysitting issues. It is my feelings that Hewitt is not retiring because Becky doesn't want him home and he needs the money because his old broken body should be home by now

I don’t know why Hewitt’s son Cruz is on the court. Seems like daddy has babysitting issues. It is my feelings that Hewitt is not retiring because Becky doesn’t want him home and he needs the money because his old broken body should be home by now

Anyway, I think we can wrap up the menz here for now. I look forward to giving you the “in-depth” coverage from Melbourne!  

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2015 New Year Resolutions for Our Players to Watch

In Borna Coric, Caroline Wozniacki, Eugenie Bouchard, Gael Monfils, Genie Bouchard, Grigor Dimitrov, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Simona Halep, Slaone Stephens, Taylor Townsend, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on December 31, 2014 at 6:50 pm

THIS IS A RE-POSTING OF A PIECE THAT CAN BE FOUND ON Soley Tennis Travels http://soleytennistravels.com/new-year-resolutions-players-to-watch-in-2015/ SHE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST TENNIS MINDS OUT THERE! CHECK OUT OUR COLLABORATION HERE DEALING WITH WHAT WE ARE HOPING WILL HAPPEN IN 2015! 

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2015 is just around the corner and we are continuing with that noble Roman tradition of crafting new year’s resolutions. I haven’t made a new year’s resolution in years and I am not about to do it now. The next best thing is to make up resolutions for other people! How grand is that? All of the perks but none of the stressors on me.

I rallied one of my favorite tennis bloggers to get his take on the resolutions he’d like to see five ATP and five WTA players adopt in 2015. I  offer my own and then his fervent wishes.

L-R: Genie Bouchard, Victoria Azarenka, Taylor Townsend, Venus Williams, & Sloane Stephens. Images from Zimbio

Venus Williams: I resolve to stop tiring myself out by playing doubles at slams and focus on winning another Wimbledon by playing to my strengths: use my first serve & nail those volleys in a kickass white outfit.

Sloane Stephens: I resolve to ignore stans of all ilk on Twitter, recognizing that age is on my side (side-eyes these old broads), and win one title. At least one.

Genie Bouchard: I resolve to try and stay injury free, so that I can avoid the predicted sophomore slump. I will also continue to be viciously ambitious. Get used to it folks, it’s what all the millenials are doing.

Taylor Townsend: I resolve to accept my greatness and hit the gym harder. I might also snatch Martina Navratilova from Aga if I can manage it.

Victoria Azarenka: I resolve to review videos of 2011 to remind myself of what I am capable. Also, I resolve to stop trying the charm offensive and go back to entering courts with my head phones blasting and wearing shorts.

L-R: Roger Federer, Tomas Berdych, Grigor Dimitrov, Rafa Nadal, & Gael Monfils. Images from Zimbio.

Rafa Nadal: I resolve to defend a hardcourt title in 2015 and accept all of Tommy Hilfiger’s suggestions about dressing myself.

Tomas Berdych: I resolve to approach every match as if I am facing Roger Federer at the Olympics and to remember how possible it all seemed right after Stan’s demolition of Rafael Nadal in Australia in 2014.

Grigor Dimitrov: I resolve to spend less time falling on the court and more time channeling whomever that guy was at Wimbledon who took out Andy Murray in straight sets. I also resolve to get my ego in check and show up at the World Tour Finals as an alternate, if I’m ever so lucky to be that close again.

Roger Federer: I resolve to continue to do my old man exercises, stretch my back and stop being surprised by streaky queens at slams (Rafa, Gulbis, Cilic, and Nole). Can I get Nole to double fault when he’s playing me at a slam?

Gael Monfils: I resolve to keep being awesome every where I go and up my odds in a final by aiming for just winning a point instead of dazzling the crowd.


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One of my favorite passionate and occasional satirical blogger is RealzTenisFanz. He has some very intriguing ideas about the resolutions for some of his players. We ended up picking all but three of the same players! You can find his brand of tennis wisdom athttps://realztenisfanz.wordpress.com/

L-R: Simona Halep, Petra Kvitova & Borna Coric.  Images from Zimbio.

First off, it was very difficult for me to find 5 men and 5 women that I cared two real shakes about but I looked through the list and I came up with something … just know this is because I really like you Andreen and I tried.

So on the Women’s

1) Serena Williams: I need her to get her clothing/apparel/gear together. It was a mess all of 2014. I cannot think of a single outfit that I liked. Well there were some decent pieces in doubles. However, singles was disgusting; the colour combination, the construction, overall presentation, they were all messy. French Open, Wimbledon and US Open. They were all horrible. Most egregious was the Miami outfit looking like a bad bottle of Gatorade. She does better for me in 2 pieces and not when she tries to go for the altogether bit in a dress. That animal print at the US Open. Atrocious. Anyway, I need that situation to be fixed as well as her hair. That Ambri/Brazilian/Remi nonsense has to go. I got two words for it Gurl Bye! I am not gonna say any more on that.

This hair doesn't need to be here anymore

This hair doesn’t need to be here anymore! I am not even going to address the brows and lashes!

There are 7 things wrong with this outfit. Can you spot them?

There are 7 things wrong with this outfit. Can you spot them?

This doesn't even make any sense.

This doesn’t even make any fashion sense. Why am I looking this ridiculous? 

Why did my family let me come out the house looking like this?

Why did my family let me come out the house looking like this?

Horse hair and zebra print. Can this outfit be put out to pasture?

Horse hair and zebra print. Can this outfit be put out to pasture?

Back in 2005 things were so much more interesting!

Back in 2005 things were so much more interesting!

As for her tennis, I would really love for her to win the grand slam in 2015. She has really shown herself to be an all-court player and I think she deserves to get this under her belt. I am not a huge fan of Steffi Graf (blame that on the Monica Seles incident and also her husband) so I would really love it for Serena to be the undisputed best female player in the sport thus far. She has brought a lot more to the game, the sport as a whole and everything else good and bad to tennis and she really should get this one title. It is the only thing she doesn’t have. If she can’t win all four, I don’t mind her getting to 21 and lose to Venus at the US Open. I can definitely live with that. She needs to get back her Melbourne magic though. She was great in Melbourne but for the last 3 years, it has been mundane play.

THIS WO-MANCE IS UNUSUAL, UN-TENNIS, UN-AMERICAN, UN-DANISH AND UN-BELIEVEABLE

THIS WO-MANCE IS UNUSUAL, UN-TENNIS, UN-AMERICAN, UN-DANISH AND UN-BELIEVEABLE

I AM GOING TO NEED ALL PARTIES INVOLVE TO CEASE AND DESIST WITH ALL THIS NONSENSICAL WO-MANCE BETWEEN HER AND CARO. IT IS RIDICULOUS AND UN-TENNIS. If Caro is not a friend of Venus then she shouldn’t be a friend of Serena.

This is the only acceptable form of interaction between these two

This is the only acceptable form of interaction between these two

2) Venus Williams: Well it is no secret that Venus is like a thorn in my side. We have been through many ups and downs. I want to believe in my main gurl but she slays me all the time. Nonetheless, I think there might be some old magic left in her trunk and she can come through for me. I am going to need her to be making some major noise on tour this year especially at the French and Wimbledon. For some crazy reason I always envisioned this woman doing damage on the clay but she is messy and streaky. If she wants to get it done on the terre bateau, she is going to have to come to net and stick the volleys of course and that hot mess serve is gonna have to go far far away. She can pick up a couple tour titles but I am really looking for her to bring her expertise and experience at the majors and knock off some of these “pushers”.

Goodbye to this Vague Varying Venus

Goodbye to this Vague Varying Venus! She is not good for my heart and spirit

I need this Vintage Venus to come back in 2015

I need this Vintage Venus to come back in 2015

3) Victoria Azarenka: I would like Vickie aka Victoria A to get her life and fitness together and be back in the top 10. I don’t wanna hear any excuses as well as any insufferable comments about her current, former and/or pending relationships. I am just interested in her and her tennis. Win and/or lose no excuses from her or her camp.

I need you to remember who you are Vickie. You're a 2-time major champion

I need you to remember who you are Vickie. You’re a 2-time major champion

4) Petra Kvitova: I am going to need Petra to stay in the top 5. I don’t want no bullshit or jellyroll from this Czech. She needs to focus on tennis and not balls if you know what I mean. I don’t know what is her problem but she needs to stop acting like a college co-ed on Spring Break. Her favour is not some free handout as Costco. She’s gonna have to come up with better tennis except when playing Venus. That Wimbledon match still bothers me tremendously.

Petra you can play tennis besides at Wimbledon

Petra you can play tennis besides at Wimbledon

5) Simona Halep: Mrs. Koolaide Jug. I know people hate on her and call her a pusher etc. However, I really think considering the circumstances of the game, height, court, ball, equipment, she is pretty decent. She comes off like a Vickie without all the histrionics. She doesn’t bother me much. I would really like to see her have another solid year. This was a good year but clearly she was not satisfied and I like that. She’s hungry for more. Whether she can actually produce this is another story. I am not sure if much can be improved save for mental sharpness. I also want her to be more present v Shriekapova and sneak out some wins.

Simona, since Venus stopped playing New Haven back in early 2000's, this has ceased being a real tournament. So I am gonna need you to do better than that. Thanks

Simona, since Venus stopped playing New Haven back in early 2000’s, this has ceased being a real tournament. So I am gonna need you to do better than that. Thanks

MEN’s

I need you to make this happen again!

I need you to make this happen again!

1) Roger Federer: Mr. Federer. It is no secret that when it comes to the Swiss maestro, I am greedy. I want him to win everything. However, this is not possible but I would like him to get two major wins this win including the Aussie Open title and re-claim number 1 spot. I know he loves Wimbledon but I can deal with him getting his 2nd French Open title over Divadal. That would make my year …. it would make my life in fact. I will never forget 2008 Wimbledon. Divadal deserves his comeuppance.

Need I say more

Need I say more

2) Rafa Nadal: Divadal. He needs to stay slamless in 2014 and come out of the closet. In fact I need him to get dragged out of the closet. The nonsense he and his Unclé Toni be playing at is really grating and I am sick and tired of all this media antics. Sick of his “sickness” etc.

Yeah even I am confused by what's going on here

Yeah even I am confused by what’s going on here

3) Novak Djokovic: Djoker. This is going to be really hard. He is gonna have to make me like him. I respect his game but he reeks of being a douchebag a lot of the times. I am gonna need him to be a respectable tennis player and not some media monkey puppet.

I'm a good guy and you're gonna like me in 2015

I’m a good guy and you’re gonna like me in 2015

4) Gael Monfils: I am going to need Monfils to play an entire year of professional tennis. I don’t know if he imagines that he can start a “Globetrotters version of tennis” but I am gonna need this Frenchman to get into the top 10 and stay there.

No more crazy Gael in 2015

No more crazy Gael in 2015

Yeah Beetlejuice, you have to show me that you can play great tennis like you play against Mr. Federer except when you play him

Yeah Beetlejuice, you have to show me that you can play great tennis like you play against Mr. Federer except when you play him

5) Borna Coric: I would like this young player to be seeded by the time the US Open rolls around. I like his attitude and his game. There is of course room for development but I would like to see his game get on board and for him to do some damage.

Borna Coric. Fresh young face on the tour and he doesn't reek of doucheyness

Borna Coric. Fresh young face on the tour and he doesn’t reek of doucheyness

Well, those are certainly resolutions that you won’t find everywhere. Because I know some of ya’ll have a dirty mind,

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I asked Realz to clarify his resolution for Divadal and he said “Davidal should play it straight with us, himself and the media. The level of misinformation from his camp makes it difficult for us to take him seriously unless you are his most ardent fan.”

You need to come straight with your fans Divadal!

You need to come straight with your fans Divadal! No more shenanigans! 

People are starting to talk

People are starting to talk! Gurl Bye! 

Thank you @realztenisfanz for keeping us on our toes in tennis land!

NO THANK YOU ANDREEN! As always A PLEASURE WORKING WITH YOU!

2014 ATP What the FCUK Finals?

In Andy Murray, ATP World Tour Finals, David Ferrer, Gael Monfils, Grigor Dimitrov, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Kei Nishikori, Marin Cilic, Milos Raonic, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Stanislas Wawrinka, Tomas Berdych on November 15, 2014 at 10:35 am

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At some point in this lifetime, someone has to pay me serious money in order to discuss tennis. It is a near crime that I am not doing this for a living especially when we consider my posting on the 2014 Barclay’s World Tour Finals; my preview edition. I have been dead-on with my assessment! It has been a virtual shit show for all the tennis fans because it seems like this tournament is more of an ATP 250’s series instead of the sport’s top elite 8 battling it out for the Year Ending Championship title. I swear one might see far more competitive matches at a Challenger event than at the “O2 Arena” this past week. Through the first 2 rounds of RR Group matches, 8 matches, there have been 8 straight-set victories to the higher ranked player with 1 bagel set (6-0), 6 breadsticks (6-1), 1 tiebreaker (7-6) where the loser did not win a single point for a total of 8 hours and 26 minutes of actual play, averaging just about 1 hour and 3 minutes per match. The 3rd round matches were hardly contests as opposed to being carnival. Yeah folks, this is what the game top 8 men have to offer at the end of the year. I told you all that you should have added Grigor Dimitrov, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Beetlejuice Monfils and Gulbis. Things would have been so much better.

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I hardly want to discuss the actual specifics of the two groups, Group A and Group B but I think I must because there was this filthy lie that was spread about that Group A was so much more competitive than Group B. Well that old adage of “The truth will always be relieved” certainly held true. When Group A took to play on Monday, it was like we were at the Olive Garden’s World Tour Finals because it was unlimited breadsticks. Both Djoker Harlequeen (1) and Stanley (3) dispatched of their opponents, Berdshite (6) and Chin Cilic (8) with a 6-1 6-1 scoreline respectively. Neither match lasted more than hour if I am not mistaken. It was pitiful but hardly surprising to me. The only good thing about that result was that neither Chin Cilic nor Berdshite was in 4th place; they were both tied for 3rd at the end of the day’s play. Always look at the bright side of things no?

Even Cece Houston is not impressed with this level of play here in London

Even Cece Houston is not impressed with this level of play here in London. Whitney’s funeral had more drama and excitement than this!

Everyone was going on about how brilliant Stanley played against Berdshite and figured that his next matchup v Djoker was sure to be as thrilling as their last encounter in Melbourne when the Swiss won it in 5 sets and moved on to win his first major. However, I know Stanley and we all know that ‘bad-beating’ Berdshite is far from any true barometer of one’s skill. Sure enough when Stanley met up with Djoker, he took a 2-0 lead to open the match. Then … well … he kinda … hmmm how to put this? He got his ass whipped like he was a runaway slave who tried to incite a revolt and slept with “Massa’s daughter”.  Djoker turned into that Destructive Djuggernaut Beast as he took the next 12/13 games for a 6-3 6-0 victory. At one point he was winning nearly all the points breaking Stanley at love. See this is why Stan is Stanley for me. He ain’t no Stanislas and most certainly is not a Stan. He has neither the temperament nor talent to be a Stan. He’s a Stanley, a mere average Joe and every so often, he catches lightening in a bottle and do something extraordinary. One can hope he gets his life together for Davis Cup Finals next week. Mr. Federer deserves a Fed Cup crown something both Djoker and Divadal have.

Praying for a Swiss Davis Cup victory over France this upcoming weekend

Praying for a Swiss Davis Cup victory over France this upcoming weekend

In the other matchup well Berdshite continued his streak of losing all his opening round matches at these championships and then rebound to take the 2nd matches. He got rid of Chin Cilic 6-3 6-1. Cilic later stated that he is “unfit”. I mean seriously, we are still making these kinda excuses at this level. This is the kinda nonsense Divadal and his Diagnosis Drama be causing. It is like an epidemic in tennis now. “I-lose-a-match-and-I-am-unwell-itis” Symptoms include, many unforced errors, poor serving, poor shot selections, missing easy forehands, spraying balls wide and long of the lines and losing matches. One may also experience headaches, fever, low blood pressure if you are Ivanovic the Terrible and bouts of diarrhea if you are Justine Henin. However, Chin Cilic, this is what my expertise tells me, “Gurl it is them shoes you wearing that are unfit. Who the hell wears yellow shoes to an indoor event? You just a scrub. Deal with it!”

He definitely got these from the Yellow Brick Road Souvenir Shop or perhaps at Big Bird's Clothing Store on Sesame Street

He definitely got these from the Yellow Brick Road Souvenir Shop or perhaps at Big Bird’s Clothing Store on Sesame Street

Now Chin Cilic has to deal with a lot of flak about his US Open. I know a lot of people think his win was not “legitimate” and that there should be an asterisk of sorts next to his name. However, he was for real. He showed up for 7 matches and he won them all fairly and squarely. I should know. I was there and I saw him do it. Even Mr. Federer noted in his loss to him at the US Open that Cilic has always shown himself capable of doing good things on the court. Now if someone else wanted to take the title, they should have put up. I am not expecting Chin Cilic to be a major contender but I expected him to be less scrubish. However, at this tournament, he has been a total scrub. Now if that is the complaint; go right ahead but do not try to steal the shine from the man’s effort in NYC. Now we have the likes of Bershite trying to shade Chin Cilic saying after their match, “Let’s put it this way: with the way he played, he would never win a US Open.” Gurl… Gurrllll No! No! You’re being shady bitch. It can’t be you having this discussion. It simply cannot be you. If Djoker said something like this, I would be like “slight bit of shade” but okay. But you gurl? Ehh No!

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First off, Chin Cilic beat your ass on his way to that US Open title and he did so again at Wimbledon. Chin Cilic also has a major something you do not have. Second, your lone trip to a major final, you did not even win a set. So really gurl, have a seat! Have several seats and STFU! Anyway in the final matchups for Group A it is Berdshite v Djoker (That’s bound to be a “thriller” seeing as how last time they met Djoker had match POINTS for 6-0 6-0 but eventually gifted him 2 games for 6-0 6-2)

I'll let this lil Brady have the final word on this bit

I’ll let this lil Brady have the final word on this bit

A Bershite victory might also give hope to Mr. Federer’s fans of him still being able to secure the Number 1 year-end ranking. I, however, do not think this is likely nor am I so gun-ho about him dethroning Djoker just yet. I rather Mr. Federer win this title nonetheless, Davis Cup and also Australian Open next year and be number 1. I am not being too greedy am I? Anyway, the other matchup is Stanley v Chin Cilic. If Stanley wins, he qualifies for the semifinals and depending on how badly he loses, he might still qualify as we all know that Berdshite is not going to beat Djoker.

This is what Berdshite things of his chances

This is what Berdshite thinks of his chances against Djokovic

And his girlfriend? She's checking for a pulse because she's dead

And his girlfriend, Esther? She’s checking for a pulse because she’s dead

Group B, on their first outing on Sunday provided more significant level of tennis as Mr. Federer (2) dismissed Raonic (7) 6-1 7-6(0) and Kei Horsikori (4) took out Lochness Monster (5) 6-4 6-4. The British fans were beside themselves with this result but seriously, Nessie played so much tennis leading up to this tournament that he barely had much leg to stand on. He provided far better account of himself v Raonic with a 6-3 7-5 victory. Like I said, Raonic is a dodgy player. He got skills save for that Venus Williams 2nd serve but when he is under the pressure moments, he gets flustered and comes up flat. He really needs to step his game up as well as that 2nd serve. That thing is a liability for him and a virtual asset for his opponents. He had the momentum in the 2nd set to at least take it but he kept on faltering and allowed Lochness and Mr. Federer to get away with murder. Against Mr. Federer in the opening round match, he did not win a single point in the tiebreaker and at one point he had set point in the 2nd set. Verses Lochness Monster, he allowed several 0-30 leads to disappear with careless shots. He deserves to have won a match here. He definitely played some decent tennis particularly in the 2nd sets of his matches but then again, tennis tournament are not charity events. You get nothing for free! You want a win, you work for that win!

Yeah Raonic made it to his 1st YEC like fellow Canadian Genie Bouchard and like her he won zero matches and zero sets

Yeah Raonic made it to his 1st YEC like fellow Canadian Genie Bouchard and like her, he won zero matches and zero sets

On Day 5 of the championships, Milos pulled out citing some kinda injury that I hardly cared about to even note. #GurlBye! 1st Alternate, David Ferrer showed up to take his spot against Horsikori. Now you know how I feel about these Spaniards mucking up tournaments. However, surprise! Surprise! The understudy for the show, walked away with the top awards. Yes fanz, Fake Fire Ferrer provided us with the 1st 3-setter of the tournament and this took place on Day 5. He took the 1st set 6-4 after Horsikori stumbled whilst leading 4-3, serving for a 5-3 lead I think. He then lost his way completely and Ferrer jumped all over this opportunity to take the set. In the 2nd, Kei got his life together by breaking in the opening game and maintained this lead all the way home. He took it 6-4 and in the 3rd set, he just increased the intensity handing out another breadstick set in this Olive Garden World Tour Finals; 4-6 6-4 6-1 Kei.

Horsikori making it through to the semifinal stage at his 1st YEC

Horsikori made it through to the semifinal stage at his 1st YEC! GREAT JOB!

Sir Roger out here slaying monsters, ogres, beasts and trolls

Sir Roger out here slaying monsters, ogres, beasts and trolls

Mr. Federer simply slaughtered Lochness Monster like some valiant knight facing a baby ogre. It was embarrassing and as one commentator, Annabelle Croft noted, “It was humiliating” especially in front of his home crowd. 6-0 6-1 Mr. Federer. He just barely escaped a double bagel thrashing. Lochness Monster did absolutely nothing out there. Mr. Federer were throwing down 2nd serves like this was the WTA. He only got 38% of his 1st serves in but when he did, he won all those points. Meanwhile, Monster was serving better by way of getting his 1st serves in but he only won 36% of those points and 39% on his 2nd serve. Nessie was stuck in no-gear because he got no traction at all in the match.

Lochness Monster was not having a good day at the office at all

Lochness Monster was not having a good day at the office at all

After being down 0-6 0-5, he finally dug deep to get himself on the board to take the bagel and the breadstick scoreline. Like I said at the beginning of this tournament, Lochness Monster played nearly 6 straight weeks of tennis in order to qualify but showed up both mentally and physically exhausted. This last match showed his gas tank on Empty. He had nothing to give. He has not won a match against Djoker, Divadal or Mr. Federer all year long. Hopefully his 2015 is better. More than likely he will dump Amelie but I think this is hardly her fault but when in doubt blame the woman and blame the French. Poor Amelie, she tried but Lochness Monster is not ready to accept harsh truths and real discipline.

OMG! Roger is playing AMAZING. He is kicking this guy's ass

OMG! Roger is playing AMAZING. He is kicking this guy’s ass. This is a hilarious match

Who is he playing?

Who is he playing?

Wait what? WTF? WTMFF? He's treating my man Andy like this?

Wait who? Andy? Andy Roddick? Ain’t he retire? No wait you meant Andy Murray? WTF? WTMFF? He’s treating my man like this?

This shit ain't funny no more! Where the hell is Mirka? I am about to cut a bitch

This shit ain’t funny no more! Where the hell is Mirka? I’m about to cut a bitch

I am confused. What's going on with the scoreboard?

I am confused. What’s going on with the scoreboard?

It says 0 1 next to Andy's name and 6 6 for Roger. Does it mean Andy's in number is Britain and Roger is 66 years old?

It says 0 1 next to Andy’s name and 6 6 for Roger. Does it mean Andy’s number 1 in Britain and Roger’s the Swiss Devil?

No it means he got a bagel and a breadstick. What? It's tea-time? This match started at 8. Who eats bagel for dinner? Scottish people do.

                               No Pippa, it means he got a bagel and a breadstick. He played shit out there.                                                                   What? It’s tea-time? This match started at 8pm. Who eats bagels for dinner?                                         Scottish people do.

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Mr. Federer after his Lochness Monster match!

Today Djoker simply put the finishing touches on this wonderful year. He won Wimbledon over Mr. Federer, he had a baby boy named Stefan, he got married of course and he ended the year as Number 1 yet again for the 3rd time in his career if I am not mistaken. He dispatched for Berdshite 6-2 6-2.

I think this caption says everything that needs to be said!

I think this caption says everything that needs to be said!

Djoker will face Kei in the semifinals on Saturday in an effort to avenge his US Open semifinal loss back in September. Should be an interesting match as Kei seems to be the only other player besides Mr. Federer and Djoker who seems to be able to make something of this “tar pit” they call a court. This thing is ridiculously slow, even Mr. Federer is noting how near impossible it is to hold serve. Meanwhile he has yet to be broken in all three of his matches here. Mr. Federer are you trying to be a shady bitch up in here? One of the reasons I think he and Djoker are enjoying so much success on this court is not only their talent and awesome game variety but the fact that they are more experience. They have played a lot of matches here in the O2 Arena and they are such students of the game, they know exactly where to be for certain shots. They know what they can get away with. Also their games are not built on sheer power which is what is the foundation for most of the other players. Kei brings a great variety to his game and so he too is having good success. I think he has the most winners of all players here. Anyway, Mr. Federer had to await the winner of the Chin Cilic v Stanley match. Stanley denied Chin Cilic a win here by beating him 6-3 4-6 6-3. Chin Cilic succeeded by at least winning a set here because prior to this match, he only won 6 games total. However, in this match, he finally strung 6 games together to take a set but he could not do the same thing for another set. Mr. Federer will face his compatriot in the semifinals. Hopefully can get two more wins here in London and take his 7th YEC title!

See the set up below of Saturday’s Semifinals play

Matches on The O2 Arena
Stage Winner Loser Score
Doubles – Semifinals  Ivan Dodig (CRO) /  Marcelo Melo (BRA) [7] vs.
 Łukasz Kubot (POL) /  Robert Lindstedt (SWE) [8]
Singles – Semifinals  Novak Djokovic (SRB) [1] vs.  Kei Nishikori (JPN) [4]
Doubles – Semifinals  Bob Bryan (USA) /  Mike Bryan (USA) [1] vs.
 Julien Benneteau (FRA) /  Édouard Roger-Vasselin (FRA) [4]
Singles – Semifinals  Roger Federer (SUI) [2] vs.  Stanislas Wawrinka (SUI) [3]

Yeah we cannot forget the Doubles people. Here are the semifinalists who also came through Round Robin play

Ivan Dodig (CRO) /  Marcelo Melo (BRA)

Ivan Dodig (CRO) / Marcelo Melo (BRA)

 Łukasz Kubot (POL) /  Robert Lindstedt (SWE)

Łukasz Kubot (POL) / Robert Lindstedt (SWE)

Bob Bryan (USA) /  Mike Bryan (USA)

Bob Bryan (USA) / Mike Bryan (USA)

 Julien Benneteau (FRA) /  Édouard Roger-Vasselin

Julien Benneteau (FRA) / Édouard Roger-Vasselin

Meanwhile in other bits and pieces around the O2 Arena

Meanwhile One Direction is at O2 Arena. Why? I am not sure.

Meanwhile One Direction is at O2 Arena. Why? I am not sure.

Closest Stanley going to ever get to this trophy unless he's at Mr. Federer's house

Closest Stanley going to ever get to this trophy unless he’s at Mr. Federer’s house

Sweet Jojoba! Divadal is in town! Praise him

Sweet Jojoba! Divadal is in town! Praise him

Me muy bien better now

Me muy bien better now

I'm here trying to figure out how you say you getting your appendix taken out then you come tell me you getting stem cells on back and you here in London with new hair and without crutches or back brace?

I’m here trying to figure out how you say you getting your appendix taken out; you took pictures for that, then you said you getting stem cells on back; you provided no pictures for that and you now here in London with new hair and without crutches or back brace?

OMG! Miracles do happen when you believe

OMG! Miracles do happen when you believe

Gurl, that ain't no miracle or modern medical science. That is some straight up magic

Gurl, that ain’t no miracle or modern medical science. That is some straight up magic

The Bryan Brothers getting more awards for being the fans favourites and ending another year yet again being the No. 1 Doubles teams

The Bryan Brothers getting more awards for being the fans favourites and ending another year yet again being the No. 1 Doubles teams

Mr. Federer joining in the award ceremony winning fan favourite and fair play awards

Mr. Federer joining in the award ceremony winning fan favourite and fair play awards

This is Borna Coric and we are definitely looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and every other day there after

This is Borna Coric and we are definitely looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and every other day there after

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2014 Barclays ATP World Tour Finals

In Andy Murray, ATP World Tour Finals, David Ferrer, Gael Monfils, Grigor Dimitrov, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Kei Nishikori, Marin Cilic, Milos Raonic, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Stanislas Wawrinka, Tomas Berdych on November 9, 2014 at 5:19 pm
The boyz are in London!!

The boyz are in London!! Now I don’t know why Horsikori up front and center with those chompers

So it seems that we are very near the end of another tennis year and boy was it an interesting one. There were so many plot twists, devices and developments that one is not sure whether it was tennis or some sport-version of a soap opera; As the Tennis World Turns or Days of Our Tennis Lives. 2014 was a year that had everything and then some for anyone and everyone who has any kinda inkling for tennis. I mean it was near too much at times even for veteran fanz like moi but this posting is not about to be a 2014 in review. No we do not have time for that and that might happen in another posting. (Do not hold me to that promise at all) However, the reason for this bit is regarding the upcoming … well current ATP Year-Ending Championships better known as Barclays ATP World Tour Finals.

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If you are any kinda fanz of the sport you hardly need to be told that Barclays ATP World Tour Finals is where the top 8 ranked men for that calendar year though strictly speaking this does not necessarily mean the top 8 ranked men in the last 52-weeks which extend beyond the calendar year. It might seem confusing but it all really makes sense. This 8-man field, barring absence for “legitimate” reasons, must include any and all major winners of that year even if said person is not within the top 8 but within the top 20. Now this rule has hardly ever needed enacting since typically the major winners have always done due diligence and found themselves within the normal cut-off point. If I am not mistaken, the last time that this rule was put into effect was back in 2001 for Goran Ivanisevic when he won Wimbledon but was just barely in the top 20. Ironically, this “by-law” caused a recent stink because Ivanisevic’s new charge, Marin Cilic aka Chin Cilic was floating just outside the top 8 but still set to qualify for the event.

British fans found themselves in parts of the world they didn't even know exist following their main man Lochness Murray

British fans found themselves in parts of the world they didn’t even know exist following their main man Lochness Murray

Meanwhile, Lochness Monster aka Andy Murray began playing a “Scrub Schedule” because he was lurking outside of the top 8 and he had to ensure that he qualified higher than 8th because there was the strong likelihood that he would have been bounced for Cilic who was hardly bothered by his ranking at the tournament because he knew he had already punched that ticket for London since September in NYC. (NB A scrub schedule is playing tournaments in the ATP 250 level tournaments and you are not getting paid for one’s presence) Now I for one would not have missed Lochness Monster in the least had he not made it but many “pundits” took up this cause as Nessie began to grumble and complain as is his customary stance, citing it being “unfair” because he was working hard and it might not pay off. I mean Sweet Jojoba, gurl get a life. It is only one tournament and this has been the rule since long time and you never complained once before but now you are more pressed than a fresh shirt from the cleaners.

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Nessie even went so far as to call out Stanley (Stanislas Wawrinka) and Chin Cilic saying that they might not be in the top 8 but yet could still go the London over him. Clearly the Monster has left the lakes of Scotland for the Egyptian River of De-Nile or perhaps he dozed off counting sheep in the highlands because he is missing the obvious. Stanley and Chin Cilic won a major in 2014, something he has not accomplished for the year. We are not even going to mention that embarrassing outing versus Divadal at the French semifinals. Divadal was brutal in Paris. It was like watching two players going at it in Mortal Kombat video game and the other player’s controller was stuck and thus barely able to register a blow to his opponent. It was savage, vicious and bloody; definitely not for children under 17. I near shouted out to the screen, “Fatality! Finish Him!” I am not trying to take anything away from Nessie’s year because he made the quarters or better at all four 4 majors. Djoker was the only other person to do so if I am not mistaken.

Like always, I paid Lochness no mind because you ignored him long enough, he will stop. And true to form, he STFU and got his life together. He played everything possible and won like 3 titles in the fall. I am sure, though it cannot be confirmed in the slightest, he was willing to sign up for a tournament in your backyard if there were a couple of points to be had so badly he wanted to be in London. It was like watching a crackhead in full fury trying to get his next hit; it reeked of desperation. All in all he made it to the event on his own terms ranked 5.

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So back the field. Technically, it is the men who are in the top 9 that are present at the event because Divadal pulled out to deal with her “appendix”. Now there is just so much to be said on this “appendectomy” that I am not sure whether I should deal with it now or perhaps in a separate post. I mean the details of Divadal, his doctors and his dramatic diagnoses have always been sordid tales on the ATP tour. Divadal has provided us with various sensational sicknesses including the Mysterious Melbourne Maladie, the lingering effects of the Wimbledon Whooping Coughs, the Whimsical Wrist and of course the infamous “Klandestine Knees”. However, I think this most recent “Medical Melodrama” re-wrote all the rules of engagement. The “Abnormal Appendicitis” was epic and I am not merely exaggerating or being hyperbolic. David Lynch would be proud of how it all unfolded. This was truly a medical marvel. So with all that, I think it is best to leave this matter for another piece soon to be posted after this tournament (Again do not hold me to this). I will not have Divadal trying to steal the thunder from the other players.

Ladies and Gents, here are top 8 men for these championships

Ladies and Gents, here are top 8 men for these championships (I think Berdshite blew a big one)

So let us discuss the matter at hand. So the 8 men present for this event are as follows:

  1. Djoker Harlequeen (Novak Djokovic; Serbia)
  2. Mr. Federer/Federror (Roger Federer; Switzerland)
  3. Stanley (Stanislas Wawrinka; Switzerland)
  4. Horsikori aka Gumby (Kei Nishikori; Japan)
  5. Lochness Monster/Murray (Andy Murray; Scotland/Great Britain)
  6. Berdshite aka Lurch (Tomas Berdych; Czech Republic)
  7. Dennis the Menace (Milos Raonic; Canada)
  8. Chin Cilic (Marin Cilic; Croatia)

These men are divided into groups: Group A and Group B which are as follows:

GROUP A GROUP B
 1. Djoker Harlequeen  2. Mr. Federer
 3. Stanley  4. Horsikori
 6. Berdshite  5. Lochness Monster
 8. Chin Cilic  7. Raonic

Now the format of the tournament is that each group plays a Round-Robin system so each player within the group play a series of 3 matches against the other players. By the end of the week, the top 2 players from each group advance to the semifinal stage where is it back to the normal knock-out format. The winner of each group plays the 2nd qualifier of the other group. I hope this makes sense for it is hardly complicated though many reporters on the subject make it sound like Quantum Physics. This I must admit is partly due to the specific nature of the Round-Robin system which rewards not only quantity but also quality of match played. That is to say, to win/lose a match is not all that matters but more importantly how you won/lose said match as consideration is given to number of games/sets won/lost when determining the ranking within a group. However, if you win or lose all three of your matches you will not need to consult the charts to see your future because it is quite clear even to the undead. You win your three matches, you move on without a bother. You lose all three matches you move on out as you were not a bother but you take home a nice cheque for $85,000 USD.

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Anyway, I have been reading up a lot of reports on this event and to be honest I was not going to write anything but I was moved to do so because of the downright fcukery I was reading on the byways and highways of the Neverland of the Internet. Some of it was just downright reckless. It was as though people were in a Warped Wonderland of tennis where Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum were running the place. Since I am no Alice, I figured before I got all murderous on their Jabberwocky asses, I should check my blood pressure and “pen” my own piece on the subject for parity sake. I really cannot deal with the high bullshitery people be serving up as tennis analysis. It drives me insane.

Gurl ain't nobody checking for you!

Gurl ain’t nobody checking for you!

So here we go with clearing up some of the madness I have read: First off: The event does not need nor does it miss Divadal. He really is not relevant to the cause here. He has never done well here and his efforts when he does decide to grace us with his presence, is hardly ever noteworthy. The quick indoor courts are not suited for his game/playing style at all. Of course the event has tried to amend matters slightly because of both his and Uncle Toné’s constant complaints. However, things have not “improved” to their advantage and they have accepted, one hopes, that this might very well be a place where their skullduggery would not work. So Divadal is right where he needs to be; seated. Preferably while he is having several seats, he is sipping on some Truth Tea Detox but again one is only being hopeful.

I mean Professora X says it best

I mean Professora X says it best

Second: The players who qualified are quite adequate to put on a really great event. This year, more so than any other in recent memory, has seen a far greater level of “parity” on the ATP tour. You had 4 different major winners including two maiden winners, Stanley in Australia and Chin Cilic in NYC. In fact it was both Stanley and Chinny’s first trip to a major final and they showed themselves to be capable of accepting the challenge of dethroning the usual suspects, Djoker, Divadal and Mr. Federer. They both had a fabulous tournament and a relatively great year. Added to this you have rising stars in the form of Horsikori and Dennis the Menace who are both tapped as the “Next Generation” on tour. We need not forget that there is the ubiquitous presence of Mr. Federer, Djoker and Lochness Monster. Added to this we also have the possibility of Mr. Federer regaining the No. 1 ranking depending on how things go here in London and later on in Davis Cup finals against France. So we have a stacked field of heavy hitters both in name and game and some possible intriguing subplots. We need not point out how far more interesting this event is going to be than the WTA Finals though that did turn out to be intriguing in some regard.

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We also have Berdshite but we are not going to talk much about this enigma; the less said, the better. Let us just be thankful that we do not have any Spaniards in the field. Now I do not hate Spaniards in the least. However, when it comes to Spanish tennis players, they are mostly just “scrubs”. Divadal being the exception, the likes of Fake Fire Ferrer (David Ferrer) and Tommy Nobraino (Tommy Robredo) are just too weak hearted to be muddling up this field. Do not misunderstand me, I do think the “Spanish Armada” is a talented lot but historically like their namesake, when put to the real test and meant to show their true grit, they sink and/or scurry back to their port of call beaten and battered. They just seem imposing but in reality they are mostly impotent (That’s not a read; just being Realz). And like Sweet Brown said, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

The more, the better

Some more please sir. The more, the better

Third: If there is anything about this event that I would have loved to see is perhaps several other players making it in. Grigor Dimitrov aka Maria’s Bluebeard, Baby Ali (Jo-Wilfried Tsonga) Ernests Gulbis and perhaps Beetlejuice (Gael Monfils) would have all been welcomed here. I need not explain that Dimitrov and Baby Ali are always nice to look at no matter the circumstances. Now I know how to count and this would mean 12 players and Beetlejuice is not even in the top 12 but I am thinking of including these players in the tournament to make it more interesting especially for fans who seem to love to cheer a lot of these players. That is not to say that the 8 players who qualified are not fan favourites but you really see people getting crazy excited for Berdych, Raonic and/or Nishikori unless they are Czech, Canadian and Japanese respectively? I only want to include Gulbis because he is always good for saying something stupid and besides, Berdshite needs someone on his level to talk to. I’m just saying.

Anyway, I am happy with the 8 who are present though I would have loved for Lochness Monster to have not made it so that some of these British commentators can actually do some real work instead of “riding Murray’s dick” all tournament long. It is ridiculous how they are “sweating” the man and constantly talking him up EVEN when he is not playing. They make all manner of excuses for him and worse still, they swear he is the best thing in tennis right now. Now that is some mystic level bullshit that my low-level mind has not yet achieved the power to unlock and fully comprehend its true meaning. In fact, I am sure my mind would never be able to see this “truth” but I am just glad I am not drinking that koolaide.

Me don't like no koolaide

Me don’t like no koolaide

So let us get into the real dynamics of the Groups: The biggest pile of rubbish I have read thus far about this tournament is that Group A is the “tough” group because it boasts three major winners. Now fanz, this is lie straight for the pits of tennis hell. Do not be tempted to believe this as truth. You hear someone utter this fabrication, you rebuke them in the name of Tennis Jojoba and tell them to “Go in peace and say it no more!”. This falsehood is near the magnitude of the talk of Serena Williams and Martha Shriekapova having a tennis rivalry. I mean seriously, Serena is 16-2 lifetime v the Russian of which you have 15 straight victories stretching as far back as 2005. I do not know how in anyone’s mind this is a rivalry unless the word’s definition has now changed to mean the very opposite of rivalry. Martha is competing against Serena, that much is clear but Serena is out there slaying and filleting that fish like she is an outdoors woman. This matchup is many things but most certainly none of it is a rivalry. But we digress. Without question, Group B is the tougher group.

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Now in Group A, as I have pointed out, has Djoker, Stanley, Berdshite and Chin Cilic. First off, we have Berdych in that group and I am going to let him have the floor on this matter.

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This is all coming directly from him and we need not look further to see where this hot mess is going. I mean we are talking about Berdshite who lost a final to Carlos Berlocq earlier this year after leading by a mile and was near being double bagelled in China by Djoker last month. So I am finding it hard to see Berdshite being any kinda threat. Secondly, we have Stanley in this mix. I mean Stanley had a great year. That is not up for debate. However, Stanley’s year ended in April after he beat Mr. Federer to take his first Masters 1000 title in Monte Carlo. This victory came on the heels of the utterly brilliant performance in Melbourne where he defeated Djoker and Divadal to take the major title. Nevertheless, it seemed as though Stanley was content with these few accolades and outside these magnificent performances, he has turned up quite mediocre for tournaments. He lost 1st round at the French, punked out at Wimbledon (though I am not mad he did because Mr. Federer benefitted greatly as a result) and he capitulated in New York v Horsikori. Needless to say at the other tour events it was mostly piss poor play. I mean he is capable of doing something serious but I am not gonna believe this unless I see it. Nothing about Stanley’s behaviour since April indicates that he is really serious about his tennis and thus I am not serious about him.

Chin Cilic at the US Open

Chin Cilic at the US Open

I cannot forget Chin Cilic and although he had a great US Open, this is hardly saying much because he has not before that event or even after showed himself capable of winning big tournaments. However, I will give him the benefit of the doubt but I will not give him this inane sense of grandeur that these pundits want to bestow upon him and the rest of the group. Group A is really just Djoker and a pack of scrubs. They might be able to do some damage but there is just no guarantee of anything explosive happening and they are mostly risky bets. We all know Djoker be a BEAST come the Fall and he is ruthless at these events. He lost his Beijing crown to Mr. Federer and you know he is looking to reclaim some leverage. Added to all this, he will want to retain his number 1 crown to be a Number 1 Dad and the World’s Number 1. He is not going down at the O2 arena without a bloody fight. He is the only “sure thing” in that group.

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Berdshite and Djoker. Here is a bottle of champagne to congratulate you on your son and my defeat

Now that we have tucked that Group A bullshit to bed. The grownups can have a real discussion about Group B. This B in Group B should be for Bomb or Bombastic because things are bound to be explosive from the very start. Lochness Monster is playing in front of his homecrowd and he is up against Horsikori who is definitely coming into his own as of late. Horsikori is a deceptive player. He moves well and you never know how he is going to attack you. That backhand of his is a deadly weapon. Lochness Monster might be tired after his epic schedule this fall but he will definitely be spurred on by his compatriots hoping for the beast to move on. Then it is Mr. Federer v Raonic who beat Mr. Federer in straight sets just a couple weeks ago in Paris. Raonic’s 1st serve is MASSIVE and if it is on, then he is on. I do have to say that his 2nd serve is as effective as Venus Williams’. Now that is a read.

The Granny Vee serve is as precarious as highwire act

The Granny Vee serve is as precarious as highwire act

If Mr. Federer gets through this matchup, he has to also play Horsikori who has several quality wins over him and then Lochness Monster who has never been an easy opponent for him. So in essence in Group B, you have the number 2 player potentially losing all 3 of his matches and not because he is a bad player but because the quality of the group. This also goes for each of the other players. Lochness Monster will have to fight hard for every match if he wants to get out. There are no easy matches here as he is 1-3 vs Raonic and 11-11 vs Mr. Federer. His 3-0 record vs Nishikori will hardly matter on this stage.

I gotta say that one arm bit looks really cool on Dennis the Menace Raonic

The Question Mark is squarely over his head

The only real question mark is Dennis the Menace because he does not have the killer instinct and steely confidence that the other players possess. Perhaps in time he will get that but this tournament does not take too kindly to wanderers and fiddlers. You have to come out hard and strong for every match. The Canadian’s game is two-dimensional so very vulnerable to attack but make no mistake when those two-dimensions are working, they dwarf just about anybody’s game out there. He best be careful because his countrywoman Genie Bouchard got crushed at the WTA Finals 0-3 in her debut. Horsikori can take on anyone and I am certain he did not come to London to play tourist. He is looking for a big title to his name and he will be fighting as hard as his lil broken body can to make waves here in London. So you see, Group B is really where all the action is going to be. Group A is all about which scrub will rise to the top to take the 2nd spot for the semifinals.

I did not come here to play tourist, I am here to snatch wigs and trophy

I did not come here to play tourist, I am here to snatch wigs and trophy

A Prediction: Now you know how I loathe making such things. However, I would admit that I think Djoker is really the man to beat. He morphs into a different player,Djuggernaut, after the US Open. He is clearly dealing with the bitterness of not making the US Open final and winning the title. He is definitely on a confidence wave having a new baby boy, Stefan, with his new wife. So he is definitely the perennial favourite to win. I favour Mr. Federer next but it is a tough road to this title. He is desperately trying to be number 1 again and even though he did not win a major this year, winning a 7th YEC title will be the next best closest thing and Mr. Federer will take it in a heartbeat. The surface does favour him though early reports indicate that it is rather slow. I gave Nishikori an outside shot to win this title and I would be happy if he does take it in the event of Mr. Federer’s “absence”. I imagine a Chin Cilic will try to secure this title because he definitely wants to silence critics who think his major win was a “fluke”. He is also arriving here in London rested as he did not play Paris. The other players, well if they are able to win this title, I think we can record this 2014 officially as a watershed moment in tennis history but I highly doubt that eventuality. Anyway, this is about all there really is to say about this subject. I hope you all fans enjoyed the “Return of Realz”. Please COMMENT BELOW!!

It might be a 3rd straight victory for Djoker who is usually in Djuggernaut mood here at the ATP Finals

It might be a 3rd straight victory for Djoker who is usually in Djuggernaut mood here at the ATP Finals

Also let us not forget that the Top 8 Doubles teams are also present.

There is always something magical about a man in a suit!

There is always something magical about a man in a suit!

Wimbledon 2014: Day 6

In Alize Cornet, Ana Ivanovic, Angelique Kerber, Dominika Cibulkova, Jerzy Janowicz, Jiri Vesely, John Isner, Maria Sharapova, Milos Raonic, Nick Kyrgios, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams, Tommy Robredo, Wimbledon on June 30, 2014 at 1:40 pm
Like serious Wimbledon, WTMFF

Like serious Wimbledon, WTMFF

Yet again, another day where I can hardly speak. I am near done with this Wimbledon. Well the big news of the weekend is that the Serenanator (1) went out to Alizé Cornet (25) aka Cornemort. Oh boy was this a disappointment. I mean the Serenanator looked deactivated. She was mess. She started off a bit messy but then after that she was en pointe. Then after taking the 1st set 6-1, she went totally offline. Cornemort was the one dictating play throughout for the rest of the match. She used some unforgiveable curse on ReRe. Gurl was all over the Serenanator like white on rice. It was like ReRe flatlined or something. It was not looking too good. It is a real disappointment when ReRe is not around because madness ensues. Anyway good on Cornemort for taking this match. This is only the 2nd time she has made it to the 2nd week of a major in her career. This is also her 34th major appearance. Congrats gurl, you’re moving up.

I can't get my life together at all!!

I can’t get my life together at all!!

YESSS GAWDDD I did it again!!

YESSS GAWDDD I did it again!! Dark Lord Cornemort Rising

Just remember gurl, I got your number and I will be all over you next time

Just remember gurl, Revenge for beating my sister again. I got your number; I’m gonna go all postal on your @$$

Also I want to point out that Cornet was being blatantly coached from the sidelines. Her coach was making all kinds of hand gestures etc. It was ridiculous. Of course guess who was the chair umpire, Mariana Alves. Yes the same who “screwed” Serena in the 2005 US Open. Another interesting notorious figure present on court, the same lineswoman ReRe chewed out. It was just a bad day for the American. The rain was making that weave a mess and all. It was horrible. The world was stunned by this result. Please do not think I am bitter about this loss at all. I am only annoyed that Cornet might more than likely lose in the next round against Bouchard (13). Bouchard is not going to let an opportunity like this go astray. Bouchard took out Andrea Petkovic (20) 6-3 6-4

Genie Bouchard

Genie Bouchard

Anyway on to other winners. So Martha aka Maria aka Shriekapova (5) just totally dragged Alison Riske across Centre Court like she tried to snatch her wig and exposed her lacefront. It was not cute. Riske broke Shriekapova was got a lead of 3-1. Then homegurl never won another game in the match! Shriekapova just beat that gurl down on court; it was like when animals attacked. Shriekapova won 11 straight games for 6-3 6-0 victory. She is into the 2nd week of Wimbledon and from here on end to the rest of the year, homegurl is only adding points. She did not play for the rest of the year after Wimbledon last year.

YES!!! Serenanator is gone! Bye GURL!!

YES!!! Serenanator is gone! Bye GURL!!

Mrs. Koolaide Jug (3) also won her match as she beat rising star Belinda Bencic of Switzerland. Bencic is allegedly the protégée of Martina Hingis. I wonder if these young girls realize that Martina loves the limelight … Martina is all about hogging the attention. She was working with Lisicki and then dropped her to go play doubles. Now she lost in the 1st round of doubles. Martina gurl get a life. Either you trying to be a coach or you’re still an active player. You cannot do both particularly if people are putting their careers in your hands. Two other winners Carebear Kerber (9) who after dropping the opening set to Kirsten Flipkens (24) 3-6, roared back to take it 6-3 6-2. A surprise player in the 4th round is a Zarina Diyas from Kazakhstan. Diyas beat 2010 finalist Vera Zvonareva in 3 sets also.

Rain interrupted much of the day's play

Rain interrupted much of the day’s play

The rest of the ladies 3rd round matches would be played on Monday as would the remaining men’s 3rd round. There are several 4th round battles on the ladies side that would also be play most highly featured match being Bouchard (13) v Cornemort.

He was down but unfortunately not out!!

He was down but unfortunately not out!!

Divadal for the third successive match dropped the 1st set. However, he came back in roaring fashion against Kukushkin. 6-7 6-1 6-1 6-1. Divadal baked up triple breadsticks. I swear these scrubs be looking for trouble. I do not know what’s the point of taking a set from Divadal if you have no intention of winning the match or at least another set? They be acting as though one is being paid by the number of sets they play. And straight that Divadal is lacking focus and concentration in the beginning of matches. Or perhaps this is all some crazy ploy to get attention for himself. Who knows or who cares? All I want to know is who is going to take three sets from him in this tournament?

Hello I'm still here

Hello I’m still here

Anywho, Mr. Federer is showing great form through 3 rounds here at Wimbledon. He knocked out Santiago Giraldo 6-3 6-1 6-3. Now I am not made that Mr. Federer is showing great form thus far. My issue is that will this hold up against the big boys. He has Stan the Man possibly in the quarterfinals and then potentially Divadal. #trouble No Bueno. And now that he is through to the 4th round, he will face none other than Tommy Robredo (23) who took out Mr. Federer at this stage last year at the US Open. Robredo beat Jerzy Janowicz (15) 6-2 6-4 6-7 4-6 6-3. Mr. Federer you best deal with this case. I can’t deal with another early round major lost. Also Dennis the Menace Raonic (8) took out last year’s quarterfinalist, Lukas Kubot in straight sets 7-6 7-6 6-2. There was also an interesting matchup of the two wildcard entrants who dashed nearly all of French hopes, Nick Kyrgios who beat Gasquet in 5 sets when on to beat Jiri Vesely who had beaten Beetlejuice. Kyrgios won in 4 sets 3-6 6-3 7-5 6-2 and through to this first Round of 16 in a major.

Yeah thanks for showing up now bye. I'm off to my 1st Round of 16 at a major

Yeah thanks for showing up now bye. I’m off to my 1st Round of 16 at a major

Isner aka Mountain Troll will play FeFe Lopez on Monday. Their match got suspended as did Stan the Man and Denis Istomin’s match. Kei Nishikori aka Horsikori and Simone Bolelli are 3-3 in the 5th set. They will continue on Monday. So I have been getting some feedback from a fanz. He stated that I should re-rename John Isner. We all know that he was called BFG, Big Friendly Giant but after he decided to be all “ignant” and stuff I said I should call him Mountain Troll. However, a fanz as I said made another suggest; Notorious B.I.G aka Notorious Big Ignorant Giant. It sounds cool and everything I think. So let me know what you think.

John Isner aka Mountain Troll or John Isner aka Notorious B.I.G?

Kiss the grass and Serena can kiss my ass

Kiss the grass and Serena can kiss my ass

No Laquanda do not come out! Let's keep it team Jesus today.

No Laquanda do not come out! Let’s keep it team Jesus today.

So Serena how do you feel about this lost?

So Serena how do you feel about this lost?

Mofo how do you think I feel? Gurl I gotta read you a bit...You know you're my good gurlfriend but I have to tell you, the weave looking ratchet. You have to fix this. No Bueno!!!

Mofo how do you think I feel? Gurl I gotta read you a bit…You know you’re my good gurlfriend but I have to tell you, the weave looking ratchet. You have to fix this. No Bueno!!!

So gurl what you doing later?

So gurl what you doing later?

Wanna come with me to meet up with him?

Wanna come with me to meet up with him?

Honey is his (gulp) really that big? YESSS GAWD!! I am coming

Honey is his (gulp) really that big? YESSS GAWD!! I am coming

I mean seriously this golden blazer is just everything right now!!! EVERYTHING

I mean seriously this golden blazer is just everything right now!!! EVERYTHING

No boo shit your ass down. You look like a clown.

No boo shit your ass down. You look like a clown.

I mean double scoops of chocoloate ...  the possibilities

I mean double scoops of chocoloate … the possibilities

Mofo, this face does not look like no fcuking Koolaide Jug

Mofo, this face does not look like no fcuking Koolaide Jug

Gurl you blind?

Gurl you blind?

Whatever mofo

Whatever mofo

We think we cute

We think we cute

#teamgay? or #teamgaynesia?

#teamgay? or #teamgaynesia?

Kei Nishikori is all hotness

Kei Nishikori is all hotness

Until he shows his teeth and he becomes Horsikori

Until he shows his teeth and he becomes Horsikori

Wimbledon 2014: Day 4

In Alize Cornet, Ana Ivanovic, Andrea Petkovic, Andy Murray, Carla Suarez Narravo, Feliciano Lopez, Gilles Simon, Jie Zheng, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Kaia Kanepi, Kei Nishikori, Lukas Rosol, Maria Sharapova, Mikhail Kukushkin, Mikhail Youzhny, Philipp Kohlschreiber, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams, Stanislas Wawrinka, Tommy Robredo, Wimbledon, Yaroslava Shevedova on June 27, 2014 at 3:52 pm
That's how I feel right now .. like I could collapse

That’s how I feel right now .. like I could collapse

Well again, I am working on very little sleep here … So Day 4 was all ablaze with the men’s match up of Divadal v Lukas Rosol. Rosol you would remember defeat Divadal in 5 sets back in 2012. However, Divadal beat Rosol earlier this year in Doha in straight sets. Nonetheless, you know how the media can be. Anyway, so for a minute, it looked like Rosol was going to score the upset again. He won the 1st set 6-4 and was up a break in 2nd set.

The crows were buzzing overhead to pick up the Divadal entrails

The crows were buzzing overhead to pick up the Divadal entrails

However, he got broken but was able to force it to a tiebreaker where he had the set on his racquet up 5-4. He lost one of those points but got set point at 6-5 but this time on Divadal’s serve. Divadal came up with the goods and took the set and in essence the match. Divadal broke Rosol early in sets 3 and 4 and though Rosol would get it back on serve in the 4th set 4-4, he got broken immediately and Divadal served it out 4-6 7-66 6-4 6-4. Needless to say, the result was disappointing. I mean Rosol had a look at a 2-0 sets love lead but basically choked. I mean Divadal does this to players. For two sets, they have good looks at a huge advantage and he dares them to take it. But it seems these players, Klizan, Djoker, Fake Fire Ferrer and Rosol cannot get over that hurdle of really beating Divadal. I also feel like I jinxed Rosol as I was determined not to watch the match but I got curious when he was leading and took a peek. #Icant #Ijustcant

Suck on that Realz. I am coming for your main man Mr. Federer

Suck on that Realz. I am coming for your main man Mr. Federer

Anyway onto other matches: Mr. Federer was in vintage form against Gilles Muller 6-3 7-5 6-3. Although rain interrupted play and they had to get off court to close the roof, Mr. Federer returned still in stellar form. The numbers were very impressive from Mr. Federer, along with the 25 aces, he had 1 double fault dropped only 9 points on serve with 44 winners and 5 errors. His biggest serve 127mph was even bigger than Muller’s at 125mph. Mr. Federer never faced a break point. It was like Mr. Federer was playing Andy Roddick all over again. Muller had that 2 dimensional game; try and get a huge 1st serve in and then crack on the forehand. However, Muller is much more comfortable up at net than Roddick though but Mr. Federer was in target practice mood. In the presser, the journalists pointed out to Mr. Federer that every time he has beaten Muller, he went on to win the tournament.

Q.  Three times you have played Gilles before now and — you’ve gone on to win the tournament.
ROGER FEDERER:  Oh, really?  Ohh.  Are you sure?  (Laughter.) I’ll go check it out … I’m very happy to be
through and happy to hear the news.

Mr. Federer ... that's all

Mr. Federer … that’s all

Contrastingly, fellow Swiss Stan the Man Wawrinka (5) was somewhat messy in his 2nd round match. Yen-Hsun Lu had chances to really make something of this match. Grass is not Wawrinka’s favourite surface and added to this, Wawrinka gave him many looks to really take this match. Lu served for the 1st set but got broken and was up 5-2 in the breaker only to let Stan back into the set to take it. Even in the 4th set, after taking the 3rd set, Lu had a chance to serve for it at 5-4 had he converted on the break point in the 8th game. Nonetheless it was he who was on the defensive as Stan broke him and served it out for a 7-6 6-3 3-6 7-5 victory.

We'll take whatever wins we can get. So lay off my case Realz

We’ll take whatever wins we can get. So lay off my case Realz

Both Dennis the Menace Raonic (8) and Kei Horseteethikori (10) made short work of two Americans to move through to the 3rd round. Dennis the Menace took out Jock Sock 6-3 6-4 6-4 and Horseteethikori took out Denis Kudla 6-3 6-2 6-1. Mountain Troll beat Jarkko Nieminen 7-6 7-6 7-5. Tommy Robredo (23) also won his match in straight sets over France’s Adrian Mannarino 6-4 6-1 7-6. Other winners include last year’s quarterfinalist, Lukas Kubot as well as Denis Istomin and Mikhail Kukushkin. Baby Ali (14) who finally finished up his 2nd round match against American Sam Querrey aka the Grinch 4-6 7-6 6-76-3 14-12. They were 9-9 at the end of the previous day’s play.

Baby Ali doing the happy dance

Baby Ali doing the happy dance

Nick Kyrgios sent Gasquet packing

Nick Kyrgios sent Gasquet packing

Unfortunately, the other two top French men were not so lucky in their 2nd round matches. Resident clown Beetlejuice (24) went out to Jiri Vesely of Czech Republic. Beetlejuice dropped the first two sets and then rallied to take the next two in breakers. Now you would think someone of Beetlejuice’s experience he would be able to find a way to win it in the 5th. Nope, he mucked about the place and Vesely broke him in the 9th game and served it out for a 7-6 6-3 6-7 6-7 6-4 victory. The other Frenchman, Gasquet (13) was facing a 19-year-old wild card entrant in the form of Nick Kyrgios of Australia. Gasquet was up 2-0 sets in the match and allowed Kyrgios to take the next two. He would have 9; that’s NINE match points and unable to convert any of them. Kyrgios took it 3-6 6-7 6-4 7-5 10-8. There was another upset, Philipp Khlschreiber (22) was also knocked out in 5 sets by Simone Bolelli.

Serenanator was very serene on court as she dismantled Scheepers

Serenanator was very serene on court as she dismantled Scheepers … Wait is Martha saying shite about me

On the women side, Serenanator (1) and Shriekapova (5) are on a collision course with each other in the quarterfinals. They both dismantled their respective opponent. ReRe won 6-1 6-1 and Martha 6-2 6-1. Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide was supposed to play yesterday but rain suspended play in the afternoon and it would be played today. Carebear Kerber (9) won over Heather Watson 6-2 5-7 6-1. Now I like Watson as she has a really fun personality or so it seems via Facebook etc. However, what bothers me about her and a lot of the young players on the tour is that they really are “opportunists.” They cannot win unless the top players are choking. They cannot create anything on their side to remotely hurt the “big girls;” they rely heavily on others mistakes and not them taking the offensive. Take Watson, she fought her way into the 2nd set and closed it out 7-5. Come 3rd set, NOTHING! NADA! NOUGHT! She almost went down 0-6. Consider Muguruza, Bouchard and Halep at the French against Shriekapova. They only got to the 3rd set and again they were not able to do anything even though the momentum was in their favour.

What you going to do about it?

What you going to do about it?

Not today Satan! Not today! Jehovah talk to her.  me please. I am trying to be a good girl at Wimbledon. She is trying to bring Laquanda on court. Laquanda [is] not allowed to come out. She's on probation. She's not nasty. She's just real. Keeps it real. And you just definitely don't want to cross her. Because you cross her, then she snaps. I don't speak to her very often. I try never to see her. She's nuts. Spare her Jehovah in these words I pray. Amen

Not today Satan! Not today! Jehovah talk to her, please! I am trying to be a good girl at Wimbledon. She is trying to bring Laquanda on court. Laquanda is not allowed to come out. She’s on probation. She’s not nasty. She’s just real. Keeps it real. And you just definitely don’t want to cross her. Because you cross her, then she snaps. I don’t speak to her very often. I try never to see her. She’s nuts. Spare her Jehovah in these words I pray. Amen

Meanwhile, Eva had this to say on the matter, Martha best to chill.  I won't be able to protect you if Laquanda comes on court. I can barely protect myself.

Meanwhile, Eva had this to say on the matter, Martha best to chill. I won’t be able to protect you if Laquanda comes on court. I can barely protect myself.

Adje!!! Ana is on court and not Ivanovic the Terrible

Adje!!! Ana is on court and not Ivanovic the Terrible

Anyway, speaking of Bouchard (13) she won her match in straight sets. She could potentially meet Serenanator in the Round of 16. Ana Ivanovic (11) so far is on court in her first two matches as she too moved through to the 3rd round. No sign so far of Ivanovic the Terrible. Last year’s semifinalist and finalist Kristin Flipkens (24) and Sabine Losicki (19) both won their 2nd round matches in straight sets. Andreas Petkovic (20) and Lady Cornemort (25) aka Alize Cornet of France are also through to the 3rd round both winning in 3 sets. Cornemort will face the Serenanator in the 3rd round. Cornemort beat the Serenanator earlier this year, so it is a re-match with ReRe looking for the revenge kill. Other winners of interest who also made it to the 3rd round include Yaraslova Shvedova who took out last year’s quarterfinalist Kaia Kanepi in 3 sets, American Madison Keys also won in 3 sets as well as fellow American Alison Riske who took out Camila Giorgi 7-5 6-2. Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15) got dismissed in three sets by Zarina Diyas.

 The Divadal’s hair raising problem

First it looks like this

First it looks like this

Then this

Then this

midway it start looking like wet feathers

midway it start looking like wet feathers

And then even he can't deal with the mess

And then even he can’t deal with the mess

ARGHHH I've thinning hair...  Why can't I get Roger's locks

ARGHHH I’ve thinning hair… Why can’t I get Roger’s locks

Well good thing I have a decent body to compensate

Well good thing I have a decent body to compensate

Don't even know what to say about this hair

Don’t even know what to say about this hair

WTF indeed Carlo? We are all wondering why you look like this

WTF indeed Carlo? We are all wondering why you look like this

What a handsome lady

What a handsome lady

Anyone else noticing how much happier Lochness Monster seem. I mean I've never seen him smile so often. If this continues, I might have to call him Puff the Magic Dragon

Anyone else noticing how much happier Lochness Monster seem. I mean I’ve never seen him smile so often. If this continues, I might have to call him Puff the Magic Dragon

Just hanging with the boys

Just hanging with the boys

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?

Sometimes ....

Sometimes ….

Now to worry, you're not alone.

Now to worry, you’re not alone.

Yeah I had to cover it up because gurl, it is like the Amazon down there.

Yeah I had to cover it up because gurl, it is like the Amazon down there.

Do you think we look foolish? No. I think we might just look ridiculous

Do you think we look foolish? No. I think we might just look ridiculous

Hey gurl

Hey gurl

Well how you doing?

Well how you doing?

 

 

 

Wimbledon 2014: Day 2

In Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, Daniela Hantuchova, Francesca Schiavone, Gael Monfils, Jerzy Janowicz, Jie Zheng, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, John Isner, Lukas Rosol, Maria Sharapova, Marion Bartoli, Mikhail Kukushkin, Milos Raonic, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roberta Vinci, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Stanislas Wawrinka, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tsvetana Pironkova, Urszula Radwanska, Varvara Lepchenko, Victoria Duval, Wimbledon on June 25, 2014 at 10:02 am

Day 2

So here we are with Day 2 at the 2014 Wimbledon Championships. Nearly all matches were completed and most of the big names got through to the 2nd round. However, there were some upsets mostly on the women’s side. The men seem to be in it for the money; 1st round money is very good but 2nd round money is even better.

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Divadal finally made it to the 2nd round of a grass court tournament

Divadal (2) won his 1st round match … well that is to say that he finally won a match on grass. He took out Martin Klizan 4-6 6-3 6-3 6-3. Interestingly enough they met last year at the French Open in the 2nd round. The scoreline was the same. Klizan had his chances to do much more but he could not execute on the big points. Divadal does not look so smooth but it does not matter. A win is a win. You don’t win a major in the first week but you sure can lose one. Things are even more interesting because guess who Divadal is playing in the 2nd round …. None other than Lukas Rosol himself; the man who started Divadal’s troubles on grass back in 2012 when he dismissed him at Wimbledon in the 2nd round. After that loss, Divadal disappeared from tour claiming “The Knees were acting up.” He returned to the tour in February 2013. Divadal did not lose a single match on hard court all of 2013. Now I am not starting any rumours here, I am just stating facts. Rosol took out French hotness Benoit Paire in his opening round match 6-3 3-6 7-6 6-4. It is very very very very unlikely that Rosol will score another upset but non-fanz of Divadal will be ever hopeful that lightening will strike twice.

SHIT! I thought I was going to get that upset today

SHIT! I thought I was going to get that upset today

Anyway we digress, Baby Ali (14) finished up his match against Meltdown by serving it out at love 6-1 3-6 3-6 6-2 6-4. When rain interrupted play on Monday, Baby Ali was up 5-4 in the 5th. Also finishing up his match was Sam Querrey aka The Grinch. He knocked out fellow American Bradley Klahn 6-7 6-4 6-1 7-5.

Even though he only played one game today, you know we hardly need an excuse to show Baby Ali

Even though he only played one game today, you know we hardly need an excuse to show Baby Ali

Mr. Federer (4) won his match with relative ease 6-1 6-1 6-3. He took out Italian Paolo Lorenzi. Mr. Federer had 9 aces, 40 winners and 20 errors. However, a lot of those errors came about as a result of poor execution. I can’t deal with a sloppy Federror. He needs to do better. His level of play will suffice for the scrubs and lower tiers of the ATP but when he meets the likes Goonie Gulbis, Divadal et al, it will not hold up at all. Nonetheless we move on: Fellow Swiss player, Stan the Man (5) or “Stanimal” as he being called… for me Wawrinka cannot be a “Stanimal” when he is losing regular tour matches to scrubs on a regular basis. When he has multiple majors and master series title, then he’ll be “Stanimal” for now he is just “Stan the Man” who beat Divadal’s @$$ in the Aussie Open final causing Divadal to claim “bad back.” Anyway, Stan the Man took out hotness Joao Sousa 6-3 6-4 6-3. Stan had 18 aces. That’s some big boy serving.

Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer

Stan the Man

Stan the Man

Other seeded players who won include up and coming contenders Milos Raonic aka Dennis the Menace (8), BFG Isner (9), Kei Nishikori (10), Richard Gasquet (13) who needed 5 sets to get rid of his opponent, James Duckworth 6-7 6-3 3-6 6-0 6-1. Jerzy Janowicz (15) also needed 5 sets to get past Somdev Dewarman 4-6 6-3 6-3 3-6 6-3. FeFe Lopez (19) who must be super exhausted having played two weeks of tennis coming into this tournament. Lopez won three tiebreaker sets to move through to the 2nd round. Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) won in straight sets as did Beetlejuice (24). Tommy Robredo (22) won his 1st round match in 4 sets.

I gotta say that one arm bit looks really cool on Dennis the Menace Raonic

I gotta say that one arm bit looks really cool on Dennis the Menace Raonic

Several players of interest also won today including Nick Kyrgios of Australia (a hottie, if you like that thickish of Greek and Malay heritage) and fellow Aussie Llyeton Hewitt. Gilles Muller who took out Andy Roddick in 2005 1st round also won as did American Jock Sock, Lukas Kubot, quarterfinalist here last year, Jarrko Nieminen and Mikhail Kukushkin. There were several upsets including unseeded Alejandro Falla who did well on the grass leading up to Wimbledon; he lost in straight sets to Ante Pavic of Croatia. Guillermo Garcia-Lopez (28) lost to Dusan Lajovic in 5 sets; Ivo Karlovic (29) lost in straight sets to Franck Dancevic and Dimitri Tursunov (32) lost to Denis Istomin. So that’s about it for the men’s.

BFG Isner will now be known as the Troll

BFG Isner will now be known as the Troll

Oh I just want to point you to a story regarding John Isner aka BFG … (See link below) http://trollandgarros.tumblr.com/post/89253044033/isner-puts-his-white-privilege-on-display-says-the  It is a really good read. See I really have an issue with Isner’s comments. First off, I do not know why or how he felt he had the necessary “credentials” to weigh in on this matter. However, I like the fact that the author of this piece served up some “truth tea detox” Second since I am in FULL agreement … well let me know say full but I am with the author on many of his salient points AND also somewhat dismayed by Isner’s ensuing comments when others tried to enlighten him; I am going to change Isner’s name. From henceforth, BFG which means Big Friendly Giant will just still be “Troll” or perhaps “Mountain Troll” I would really like to hear from you on this matter. I do not understand how people can think “Redskins” is okay to be calling a professional football time. I mean I do not even know why the sport is even called “football” but we not even going to touch that one.

BFG is now a Troll

BFG is now a Troll

On the women’s side: The Serenanator (1) is looking good. She had a tough opening service game which took her 10 minutes to complete. She later said that she played well but the girl was hitting some good shots. Anyway, the demons did not come out because the Serenanator was all over Ana Tatishivili as she took her out 6-1 6-2. She had 31 winners of which 16 were aces and 13 unforced errors. Those are some healthy numbers; very very healthy and positive. Hopefully she keeps this up because the road ahead is going to be intense and there can be no letting up of the focus and intensity.

The Serenanator is ready to do battle at Wimbledon

The Serenanator is ready to do battle at Wimbledon

Simona Halep (3) who I swear looks like the Koolaid Juice Jug (I know it is wrong but I swear it is what comes to mind every single time) also had a quick affair on the court. She moved through in straight sets as did Bratzwanska (4), Shriekapova (5) who is supposedly looking good 6-1 6-0 but judging by the numbers, 13 winners, 9 errors, 3 aces and 5 double faults, 43% on 2nd serve, I am going to say “meh.” This is Shriekapova just handling the Lady planktons with her usual ruthless flair. Carebear Kerber (9) took out lil sis Radwanska in straight sets also. Ivanovic The Terrible (11) was almost in trouble against Francesco Schiabone. However, it seemed as though Schiabone had other ideas in mind than winning the big points. Maybe it was the longer hair or the slight attempt to feminize herself that was mucking up her game. Who knows and who cares? Anyway, Ana won in straight sets. 2013 finalist Sabine Losicki (19) also won in straight sets. The German took out Israeli Julia Glushko 6-2 6-1.

I think Shriekapova is going to a picnic or something with that much bags

I think Shriekapova is going to a picnic or something with that much bags

Other seeded players who came through include Genie Bouchard (13), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16), Kristopher Flipkens (24) last year’s semifinalist, Cornemort (25) and Klara Koukalova (31) who took out American Taylor Townsend in straight sets 7-5 6-2. Other winners of interest are Jie Zheng, Madison Keys who took out another young hopeful Monica Puig in straight sets, Varvane Lepchenko who dismissed Tsetvana Pironkova (Granny Vee thanks you Lepchenko), Heather Watson of England, Belinda Bencic of Switzerland and Camila Giorgi of Italy.

Bye Gurl Pironkova! Bye!

Bye Gurl Pironkova! Bye!

There were several key upsets on the ladies side biggest of which was Fivehand Jungle Witch Jankovic (7) who was dismantled by Kaia Kanepi, quarterfinalist here last year. Kanepi took care of business 6-3 6-2. Fattychunkova (26) lost in 3 sets to American Alison Riske as did fellow Russian Kuzi Rex (28) who lost to Michelle Larcher De Brito. Roberta Vinci (21) and doubles partner Sara ETranni (14) will be concentrating solely on doubles this Wimbledon as they were both booted out of the singles draw in three sets. Vinci lost to Donna Vekic 4-6 6-4 4-6 and ETranni lost to Caroline Garcia 6-2 6-7 5-7. Sorana Cirstea (29) was also sent packing when she lost to American qualifier Victoria Duval 4-6 6-3 1-6. American Christina McHale was also dismissed.

I was this close to winning the match!

I was this close to winning the match!

Kuzi-Rex what a disappointment!!

Kuzi-Rex what a disappointment!!

Anyway, that’s all folks … Day 3 action will feature Lochness Monster, Djoker, Granny Vee, GHW Kvitova, Tampomic, Maria’s hangbag Dimitrov, Bratzwanska, Berdshite and many others… So PLEASE check us out. DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT even if just about the pictures…

So Bartoli showed up on Centre Court and she was all teary eye

So Bartoli showed up on Centre Court and she was all teary eye … I too got all teary eye watching this hideous outfit unfold (White and off white lace combination and the necklace #icant)

Now I don't want to hate but really gurl? Really? We are wearing white lace like some Victorian age bride? And those shoes? I think they are to hide her infamous cankles

Now I don’t want to hate but really gurl? Really? Those shoes? I think they are to hide her infamous cankles but still

Even Lisicki is like WTF?? Gurl what happened? Those shoes honey are just You look...you look... you look plentiful

Even Lisicki is like WTF?? Gurl what happened? Those shoes honey are just You look…you look… you look so plentiful. Eating well in retirement I see”  Meanwhile, what is that stain on the bottom of that “dress” ? Actually, I don’t wanna know

Joao Sousa from Portugal

Joao Sousa from Portugal

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Martin Klizan, you might be a loser in the 1st round but you’re a winner in our hearts here at Realz… and we have a “special prize” for you

You lost on the tennis court today Daniela but you're definitely winning in fashion court

You lost on the tennis court today Daniela but you’re definitely winning in fashion court

Veteran hottie around these parts is looking a bit weathered but he can still get it

Veteran hottie around these parts is looking a bit weathered but he can still get it

We don't even know his name and we don't even know that.... We just need to know where he's staying

We don’t even know his name and we’re not even trying to find out either….What we need to know is where he’s staying

Looking cute as ever

Lisicki looking cute as ever … we’re gonna ignore the snaggletooth

Beetlejuice... gurl.. How you doing?

Beetlejuice… gurl.. this is definitely not cute even by your standards

Beetlejuice got himself for cornrows ... Definitely has not improved his look but to be honest, it doesn't hurt it either

Beetlejuice got himself cornrows … Definitely has not improved his look but to be honest, it doesn’t hurt it either

Of course you we gotta talk about Carlo

Of course you we gotta talk about Carlo

Francisco is trying to give us femme realness

Francisco is trying to give us femme realness

I've fallen....

I’ve fallen….

And I can't get up

And I can’t get up

Gurl, why you acting like a heifer eating the grass? We don't behave like that at Wimbledon

Gurl, why you acting like a heifer eating the grass? We don’t behave like that at Wimbledon

Don't you wish you had a sexy coach like me

Don’t you wish you had a sexy coach like me

Tiann, I think Danish Biscuit is saying hi to you .... and she's being a bit insensitive about the matter

Tiann, I think Danish Biscuit is saying hello to you …. and she’s being a bit insensitive about the matter

Hewitt is going all out to stay in the game

Hewitt is going all out to stay in the game

Mrs. Hewitt keeping tabs on her "investment" This mofo better not get injured again

Mrs. Hewitt keeping tabs on her “investment” This mofo better not get injured again

Is Patrick M going to sing an aria?

Is Patrick M going to sing an aria?

He is channeling some soprano realness here

He is channeling some soprano realness here

Cornemort had a nose bleed on court ... blood magic I say!!

Cornemort had a nose bleed on court … blood magic I say … blood magic!!

Now we have discussed "Gayneisa" here before; where "straight" guys blame their homosexual tendencies on liquor. "I got really wasted with the guys again and then one thing lead (my pant) to another (their pants) and then another (the undies) and next thing you know, his penis was in my mouth and mine was in his. I don't know why that keep happening"

Now we have discussed “Gayneisa” here before; where “straight” guys blame their homosexual tendencies on liquor. “I got really wasted with the guys again and then one thing (my pants) lead to another (their pants) and then another (the undies) and next thing you know, his penis was in my mouth and mine was in his. I don’t know why that keep happening. I sobered up and was like Broooo we are never doing this again”

Gaynesia is not to be confused with just being "gay" BIG DIFFERENCE

Gaynesia is not to be confused with just being “gay” BIG DIFFERENCE

This is gaynesia. See the different? Good

This is gaynesia. See the different? Good

Now we have discussed "Gayneisa" here before; where "straight" guys blame their homosexual tendencies on liquor. Now what we have a new Realz term for you: "Gaylusion" this is where straight women cannot seem to see they're a fag hag. I mean look at this scene. Holla if you believe there is a straight couple in the midst wearing a yellow shirt

 Now we have a new Realz term for you: “Gaylusion” this is where straight women cannot seem to see they’re a fag hag. I mean look at this scene. Holla if you believe there is a straight couple in the midst wearing a yellow shirt .. those two girls to the side in those short shorts may have just realized that this just might not be where they need to be at “Gurl, I don’t think any of these guys are our types. Really? Why you say that? Gurl look at the front row, it’s a men’s chorale up in here. Look at that soprano in the green shorts! We need to go.” Lady in the red cap, she definitely knows the dealio. Girls, these boys are strictly dickly! 

Meanwhile, YESSS I finally won a match on grass

Meanwhile, YESSS I finally won a match on grass

Gurl, that pocketbook is FABULOUS!!

Now check out my pocketbook. Isn’t it just FABULOUS

Simona Halep

Simona Halep

The Koolaide Jug ... enough said

The Koolaide Jug … enough said

 

Wimbledon 2014 Preview I: The Men’s Draw

In Alexander Dolgopolov, Andreas Seppi, Andy Murray, David Ferrer, David Goffin, Dustin Brown, Feliciano Lopez, Fernando Verdasco, Gael Monfils, Grigor Dimitrov, Jerzy Janowicz, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, John Isner, Kei Nishikori, Lleyton Hewitt, Lukas Rosol, Mikhail Youzhny, Milos Raonic, Novak Djokovic, Radek Stepanek, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roger Federer, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Robredo, Wimbledon on June 22, 2014 at 4:19 pm
You know Realz always ignore the rules

You know Realz always ignore the rules

So RealzTenisFanz is finally back on the blogosphere. Currently I am “enjoying” this unemployment status. (Won’t someone hire me and pay me good money?) It is just a brutal affair right now. I might have to start turning tricks and sad to say, I am not a kid. Anyway, let me apologize for not making a single entry for the French Open 2014. I had intentions to do so the entire time. However, I ended up being extremely busy with another gig http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/ Feel free to comment there also as well as here. Now this Hackshaw dude is a lot different from Realz in that he is not as haterrific but I guess one has to be versatile in order to make it to the top or in my case, stay at the bottom.

There not one thing about this picture that makes me happy! Nada! Rien! Nyet!

There not one thing about this picture that makes me happy! Nada! Rien! Nyet! “Hey gurl ReRe, we miss you!” Meanwhile, man in the middle: “That look when you trying to touch the pretty lady’s ass and the man on the other side reaching for yours”

Anywho I am digressing. What can I say about the 2014 French Open? I mean Divadal won his 9th title and 5th in a row and Shriekapova won her 2nd. Now you think I was a happy camper? Nope not in the least! It was as horrid as back in 2012 when there was a similar result.  So here we are 3 weeks later at Wimbledon. By the way, there is talk that next year, there would be a longer grass court season. That would be interesting because as it stands now, there are about 7 tournaments between the men and women (4 for men and 3 for women) and they are mostly going on simultaneously. I think they can do better than this for sure. Most of the top players skipped them and those who showed up with the exception of Mr. Federer, they all lost early.

The Wimbledon Trophies

The Wimbledon Trophies

So let us discuss the draw. On the men’s side, Wimbledon committee chose to this year play around with the seedings for the men. Presumably this was to deal with Andy Murray’s 5th place ranking. He is the defending champion so the Wimbledon feels that if he is outside of the top 4, he is likely to get into trouble. I mean he lost to Radek Stepanek at Queen’s Club in the 3rd round. I don’t know who they think they’re protecting because at Wimbledon, the trouble comes not from the “big boys” but from the scrubs lurking about the place. Anyway, Wimbledon did some hocus pocus Hogwarthian magic with the ranking not just for Lochness Monster but for some other players. I have highlighted the crazy “fixing” by the All-England Club. Do note that Juan Martin Del-Potro aka Beast Boy who is ranked 8th in the world and 27th ranked Nicolas Almagro are not playing so that means everyone below them should only move up one spot. However, Wimbledon School of Magical Farts and Wigotry worked with a “New Math” principles in mind. There are so much to say on the subject but I can’t right now… I am trying to finish this and go for a run…I have to tell you people that the two weeks of major tournament be messing up my gym/run/sleep schedule. I cannot deal. This is summer time and I cannot be gaining weight…. No one is checking for bears these days and Bears are only the interest of Goldilocks if you know what I mean. Anyway, though this seeding business is bullshit, it hardly matters. It is very unlikely that someone other than Djoker, Divadal, Mr. Federer or Lochness Monster will be in the final to take the crown. However, on a matter of principle, it is not okay. Those players who got shafted worked really hard for their rankings and then Wimbledon decides that they are not worthy of it. Meanwhile, the women stayed the same!

Professor Wiggle Wimbledon mucking around with the men's seeds

Professor Wiggle Wimbledon mucking around with the men’s seeds. Changopresto!

Player Wimbledon Seed Actual Ranking
Djoker (Novak Djokovic) 1 2
Divadal (Rafael Nadal) 2 1
Lochness Monster (Andy Murray) 3 5
Mr. Federer (Roger Federer) 4 4
Stan the Man (Stan Wawrinka) 5 3
Berdshite/Lurch (Tomas Berdych) 6 6
Fake Fire Ferrer (David Ferrer) 7 7
Dennis the Menace (Milos Raonic) 8 9
Big Friendly Giant aka BFG (John Isner) 9 11
Kei Nishikori 10 12
Sharapova’s Bulgarian clutch (Grigor Dimitrov) 11 13
Ernests Gulbis 12 10
Richard Gasquet 13 14
Baby Ali (Jo-Wilfried Tsonga) 14 17
Jerzy Janowicz 15 24
Mr. Piggy (Fabio Fognini) 16 15
Mikhail Youzhny 17 16
Tabasco Verdasco (Fernando Verdasco) 18 23
FeFe Lopez (Feliciano Lopez) 19 25
Kevin Anderson 20 18
BWLLAGWLLAB (Alexandr Dolgopolov) 21 19
Philipp Kohlschreiber 22 27
Tommy Robredo 23 22
Beetlejuice (Gael Monfils) 24 21
Andreas Seppi 25 34
Chin Cilic (Marin Cilic) 26 29
Roberto Bautista Agut 27 28
Guillermo Garcia-Lopez 28 31
Ivo Karlovic 29 33
Marcel Granollers 30 30
Vasek Pospisil 31 35
Dmitry Tursunov 32 32

I am going to divide the men’s draw into halves and then quarters. I will discuss the players in each section, labelling each section based on the top seeds. I will highlight the various potential matchups and key matches to watch. I am not making predictions because you know how that goes. All I can say as always, I want Mr. Federer to win. That will never change.

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Djoker (1) v Berdshite (6)

Djoker is looking for another Wimbledon crown

Djoker is looking for another Wimbledon crown

Djoker (2011 Champion) opens his campaign for a 2nd Wimbledon crown against Andrey Golubev. He has a potential 2nd round match up against Shark Boy Stepanek. However, knowing how Shark Boy loves to play 5 set matches in majors, Djoker will be fresh and ready to crush him.  There is also a potential class between Djoker and Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Baby Ali (14) in the Round of 16. Now we all remember that beat down Baby Ali got recently in Paris by the hands of Djoker. I am sure Baby Ali would be looking for revenge. I am not sure how much he would be able to exact because Djoker is hungry to win a major this year. He has come up short twice already and he is not feeling that at all.

Baby Ali has a winning smile but that will not help him at the All-England Club

Baby Ali has a winning smile but that will not help him at the All-England Club

On the other side of this quarter lies Berdshite who has made the final here in 2010. He has all the attributes to be an excellent grass court player other than the fact that he is a Neanderthal’s brain. Berdshite has to get pass Marin Chin Cilic (26) in the 3rd round and then face in the Round of 16 the winner of the Ernests Gulbis (12) v Tabasco Verdasco (18) 3rd round match. There was some HUGE HITTERS in this section of the draw. Would be very interesting to see what happens here.

Quarter 2: Lochness Monster (3) v Fake Fiery Ferrer (7)
Lochness Monster is the defending champion and he comes into this Wimbledon with a female coach, 2006 champion Amelie Mauresmo. This is a huge headline in and of itself. I must admit that initial when this talk of their partnership was a rumour, I did not think it would happen. However, when it was in fact finalized, I really have no issue with it. I mean a coach is someone telling you what to do. It is not like the coach needs to be of a specific gender or of a certain calibre former player. I know a lot of guys have a lot of bullshit to say. However, I think this is a good partnership and more than likely Amelie will stop Lochness Monster from giving those monster faces all the time on court. He will be force to act more like an adult than a sullen child. Anyway, he has a really easy draw. He got a scrub, David Goffin in the 1st round and then possible a Spaniard clay court specialist though he just won a grass court tournament in Holland, Roberto Bautista-Agut (27) in the 3rd round or Mr. Piggy, Fabio Fognini (16) or Kevin Anderson (20) in the 4th round. I do not know when is Lochness Monster’s birthday but he can consider this a birthday/Christmas gift all rolled up in one.

Lochness Monster is giving me FACE!!

Lochness Monster is giving me FACE!!

Now listen to me, you have to play the one-handed slice backhand... Can you do that for me?

Now listen to me, you have to play the one-handed slice backhand… Can you do that for me? It worked against Henin.

On the other end is Grigor Dimitrov (11) aka Shriekapova’s Bulgarian handbag who opens against American Ryan Harrison. Rising star, Austria’s Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem is a potential 2nd round opponent for the clutch purse. This should be a good match up but I think Grigor will come through. It would be a very good looking match nonetheless. I think Ferrer who is on the bottom of this section should come through for at least the Round of 16. There is a matchup of some interest here when Dustin Brown who inexplicably defeated Divadal in Halle couple of weeks ago. “Dreddy Tennis” as he calls himself, will play against Marcos Fatdatis in the 1st round. I would like to see how this one turns out.

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Mr. Federer (4) v Stan the Man (5)

Wimbledon+Championships+Previews+5lvXnD-Wf0tl

Live Fast? Just don’t die quick out there. Last year you punked out in the 2nd round much to my horror. I can’t deal with these kinda dismal results at all this year

Live Fast? Just don't die quick out there. Last year you punked out in the 2nd round much to my horror. I can't deal with these kinda dismal results at all this year

Hopefully that is a rising sun and not a setting one… Because your career seems to be near dusk right about now

Mr. Federer (4) the 7th time champion is looking for his 8th title here. He faces a bothersome Frenchman Julien Benneteau in the 2nd round and then possibly Dingo Dog Hewitt or 2013 semifinalist Jerzy Janowicz (15) or Tommy Robredo (23) in the 4th round. Stan the Man (5) has not done well on grass here but still he deserves his ranking of 3 in the world. Anyway, he will have a tough time getting out of this part of the draw. Not only is Mr. Federer a possible quarterfinal opponent but he could face either Denis Istomin or Dmitry Tursunov (32) in the 3rd round and then Alejandro Falla and FeFe Lopez (19) in the 4th round. A good match that might be featured is FeFe Lopez v BFG Isner (9). However, Isner is not known for his grass court prowess. I mean he has never got past the 2nd round EVER here at Wimbledon. So Lopez might be able to sneak into the quarters.

Stan the Man at least the back of him gossiping with Maria's clutch, Grigor

Stan the Man at least the back of him gossiping with Maria’s clutch, Grigor

Quarter 4: Divadal (2) v Dennis the Menace Raonic (8)
Dennis the Menace should make the quarters here though it would be a nice matchup between him and Kei Nishikori (10) in the Round of 16. There is also the match of Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) v Nishikori in the 3rd round that should be worthy of attention.

Kei gurl... oh no... this is not acceptable. Here I thought you were cute until you smiled. No no no... I'm gonna need you to do better! Definitely, you looking like Charley Horse with that smile

Kei gurl… oh no… this is not acceptable. Here I thought you were cute until you smiled. No no no… I’m gonna need you to do better! Definitely, you looking like Charley Horse with that smile

Dennis the Menace is thinking about doing some damage here at Wimbledon with that lethal 1st serve!

Dennis the Menace is thinking about doing some damage here at Wimbledon with that lethal 1st serve!

Now a lot of people have picked Divadal to win the title. I am not sure why considering his recent record on grass. However, this is Divadal and you know how he and his “magical body” do operate. So he really stands a good chance to win. Anyway, he may have to deal with Lukas Rosol again in the 2nd round and possibly Ivo Karlovic (29) in the 3rd round. If he can get past that, there is the fickle Frenchmen of Richard Gasquet (13) and Beetlejuice (24) in the Round of 16. A lot of people feel that this is a “Draw of Death” of Divadal but seriously, this is Divadal we are talking about. I hope he loses but I do not expect that to happen at all. He has the potential of really extending his lead as the number one player since he won no points here last year when he was defeated in the 1st round by Steve Darcis. Djoker on the other hand got to the final.

Divadal getting his Wimbledon practice in

Divadal getting his Wimbledon practice in

However, before he got to Wimbledon on his boat relaxing with "friend". I don't see Xisca there about. My eyes aren't that good. Let me know if you see her.

However, before he got to Wimbledon on his boat relaxing with “friend”. I don’t see Xisca there about. My eyes aren’t that good. Let me know if you see her. “Realz I know you send these paparazzi for me! Leave me alone!!”

This is from last year around this time

This is from last year around this time

Another recent vacay... Gurl let me rub some oil on your back.

Another recent vacay… Gurl let me rub some oil on your back.

Who knew Divadal like them "thickems" Apparently not only Goldilocks checking for bears and cubs

Who knew Divadal like them “thickems” Apparently not only Goldilocks checking for bears and cubs

Mr. Federer getting a nice send off from being the President of the Player's Council! He got babies at home to take care oh. He ain't got no time for politics.

Mr. Federer getting a nice send off from being the President of the Player’s Council! He got babies at home to take care oh. He ain’t got no time for politics. Those shoes Mr. Federer is wearing, Loro Piana. And those “simple loafers” cost at least $800USD. I wonder if he wants to adopt me

I mean look at this line up.. I mean where do I begin... or should I say who do I begin with?

I mean look at this line up.. I mean where do I begin… or should I say who do I begin with? We can leave off Anderson (in the flip flops). Have to be a very drunk night.

I think I am hurt myself

I think I am hurt myself

Yeah I can see that right there on your ankle. You might want to get up and get some help. We're busy out here right now..

Yeah I can see that right there on your ankle. You might want to get up and get some help. We’re busy out here right now..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 6

In Agnes Radwanska, Alize Cornet, Andy Murray, Australian Open, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Dominika Cibulkova, Donald Young, Feliciano Lopez, Gael Monfils, Gilles Simon, Grigor Dimitrov, Jelena Jankovic, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Kei Nishikori, Maria Sharapova, Milos Raonic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Slaone Stephens, Victoria Azarenka on January 18, 2014 at 8:23 am

Hey Fanz,

Today is going to be a very quick rundown of the score because of time constraints.

Maria is playing herself into major shape at this tournament

Maria is playing herself into major shape at this tournament

Maria Shriekapova (3) took out Alize Cornet (25) who I swear has to be a horcrux of some sorts of Lord Voldemort because she looks a lot like Ralph Fiennes in the Harry Potter Awful movie series. And also Cornet plays like death half the time. Maria raced out to a 4-0 lead before Cornet tried to staunch the bleeding by breaking Maria to only be down 1-4. However, being the witch that she is, we know this break was only an illusion. No way was she going to stage a real comeback in this set. And of course, Cornet gets broken again and Maria served it out to give her the breadstick 6-1. In the 2nd set, Cornet looked more equipped for the challenge and even had set points on multiple occasions but Maria being Maria did not allow Cornet to have it all her way. Maria took it in the breaker 8-6 points and advances to the Round of 16 6-1 7-6.

YES... I am through to the 4th round on my way to a 3rd title

YES… I am through to the 4th round on my way to a 3rd title

Maria and Vickie (2) look on course to meet in the semis as the Belarusian just totally dominated Yvonne Meusburger 6-1 6-0. I am happy that Meusburger got to this stage and not Bojana Jovanovski because I am sure it would have been a double bagel if the Serb had got out of the 2nd round.

Simona Halep (11) took out her opponent quite easily though the 2nd set was a bit more problematic than the 1st 6-1 6-4 over Zarina Diyas of Kazakhstan if I am not mistaken. It seemed as though the early ladies matches were all held at Olive Garden because breadsticks were in abundance. Dominika Cibulkova (20) just totally dismantled Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) 6-1 6-0. I was really surprised by this result because I thought Spaniard would have put up a bit more fight on court. However, the Australian heat has never been kinda to this el nino so I guess that explains this bitter result.

Fivehead JungleWitch

Fivehead JungleWitch

8th seed Fivehead Jankovic took out yet another Japanese player in straight sets 6-4 7-5. Meanwhile, Bratzwanska (5) survived the charge of Anatasia Fattychunkova (29) who was sizzling in the heat and not in the good way. Pavlyunchenkova took the 1st set 7-5 having been behind for most of it but this effort seemed to have taken its toll on her as she meekly went down 2-6 2-6 in the next two sets. Sloane Stephens (13) also came through for her 2nd consecutive Aussie Open Round of 16 as she got past Elina Svitolina who was playing some decent tennis worthy of an upset. However, the American proved to be the steadier of the two 7-5 6-4.

In her 2nd consecutive appearance in the 2nd week of the Aussie Open

In her 2nd consecutive appearance in the 2nd week of the Aussie Open

And speaking of upset, Wozniacki (10) got dumped out of yet another major in the 1st week of competition. This is her 8th consecutive major failing to reach the 2nd week. She took the 1st set against Spain’s Garbine Muguruza Blanco 6-4 but Muguruza smelt that this was a winnable match and increased the pressure on the Dane. Her efforts were rewarded as she took the match 4-6 7-5 6-3. Danish Biscuit really needs to increase the weights of her groundstrokes otherwise, she will be easy pickings for the rest of the field.

The Danish Biscuit crumbles yet again in the early stages of a major

The Danish Biscuit crumbles yet again in the early stages of a major

On the men’s side, Divadal (1) needed little effort to dispatch of Beetlejuice. As a matter of fact, Divadal took the educational route by taking Beetlejuice to Sesame Street to learn his numbers for he was schooled on court. Divadal took the match 6-1 6-2 6-3. Beetlejuice I hope you can find your way back from Sesame Street and hopefully you pick up some effective action plans and discipline along the way.

Let's count... 1 ball for me, 3 sets for me and no more bullshite from you!!

Let’s count… 1 ball for me, 3 sets for me and no more bullshite from you!!

Yes I get it....

Yes I get it….

Lochness Monster (3) has got himself a pigeon in the form of FeFe Lopez (26). Lochness Murray just proved to be more resourceful and more consistent on the court and thus took the match in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-2. I feel that Lopez is a top ten player but again like Beetlejuice, I am not sure he has the discipline and commitment to put in the work. Anyway, looking like that, I really do not think he is mostly concerned about his tennis balls.

I am just hot..what more can I say

I am just hot..what more can I say

I might be ugly but I am sure playing pretty tennis right now

I might be ugly but I am sure playing pretty tennis right now

Mr. Federer (6) also won in straight sets 6-2 6-2 6-3 over Gabashvilli. I really like what I saw in the match. However, things are going to get considerably difficult from here on end as he is set to face Baby Ali Tsonga (10) in the next round as the Frenchman dismissed his countryman Gilles Simon (18) also in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-2.

Tough road ahead for me

Tough road ahead for me

YESSS I get Mr. Federer in the 4th round...

YESSS I get Mr. Federer in the 4th round…

If Mr. Federer is to get through this match, he will surely face Lochness Monster in the quarterfinals as Nessie has a “Lucky Loser” as his Round of 16 opponent. Stéphane Robert who failed to qualify for the main draw got in as Philipp Kohlschreiber pulled out of the tournament, faced another LL Martin Klizan who got in when Nicolas Almagro pulled out as well. However, when these two fortunate souls faced each other for a place in the next round, it was Robert who proved to be luckier. He played safe, smart and at times very brilliant tennis to take the match 6-0 7-6 6-4. This is a wonderful opportunity for the Frenchman who at 33 is in his 1st major Round of 16 albeit that his luck is about to run out against Murray.

I bet you any money he is listening to Beyonce's new album

I bet you any money he is listening to Beyonce’s new album

Kei Nishikori was all samuri like against Young...

Kei Nishikori was all samuri like against Young…

The other three men’s matches featured a bunch of young up and coming players…well mostly players who have been labeled as potential future superstars of the game. So far though, not much have materialized from any of them but one can hardly blame them as this era in tennis is a very very difficult one to make huge impact on the court. Milos Raonic (11) aka Dennis the Menace was just dismal against Grigor Dimitrov (22) aka Mr. Sharapova to you. Raonic is relying on his big serve far too often which is simply a one trick pony move. Dimitrov on the other hand has far more variety to his game and so far this tournament has been showing steady improvement under the new tutelage of Roger Rasheed. Dimitrov took the match 6-3 3-6 6-4 7-6.

Grigor

Grigor

Dimitrov... because sometimes, you're just that hot and get more than one pic

Dimitrov… because sometimes, you’re just that hot and get more than one pic

My what big mouth you have.... all the better to ---- you ...:-)

My what big mouth you have…. all the better to —- you …:-)

This match interestingly enough proved to be the only 3rd round match in the top half where the winner did not win in straight sets. The other two matchups were basically blow outs. Kei Nishikori (16) just utterly destroyed Donald Young on court 7-5 6-1 6-0. Young really needs to get new coaches or at the very least some assistance in the coaching department. His parents have taken him as far as they can. If he really wants to be in the top 20 and I honestly think he has potential to do so, his parents have shown that they are not capable of taking him there. In the final match, Roberto Bautista Agut also dismantled Benoit Paire (27) 6-2 6-1 6-4. I expected a greater effort from the Frenchman but I guess he was drained after his 5th set encounter with Nick Kyrgios in the 2nd round.

Time for a drink...

Time for a drink…

Anyway, this is what draw has shaped up to be in the Men’s top half and the Women’s bottom half for the Round of 16 matchups

Divadal (1) takes on Kei Nishikori (16)
Mr. Sharapova (22) v Bautista Agut
Lochness Monster (4) v Robert (LL)
Mr. Federer (6) v Baby Ali (10) (Interesting)

Vickie (2) v Stephens (13)
Bratzwanska (5) v Muguruza Blanco
Maria (3) v Cibulkova (20)
Fivehead JungleWitch(8) v Halep (11)

 

I don't know what is going on here but something tells me that it is no good...

I don’t know what is going on here but something tells me that it is no good…

 

The Federer girls...waiting for daddy... so sweet...

The Federer girls…waiting for daddy… so sweet…