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Podcast 107: #RTFPodcast 2017 Awards Show

In Uncategorized on December 10, 2017 at 11:22 am

Welcome to our ultimate episode for 2017 and we have no better way to celebrate this joyous occasion that with our annual awards show. We love giving prizes and we know how much you love hearing from us.

Below are several categories and we want to hear from you. Pick your answers and let your views be in heard in the comment section. You can tweet us at @A_Gallivant (Andreen), @jlr78 (Janina) et @RealzTenisFanz (Realz). There will also be some pictures on Twitter poll.

DON’T FORGET WE WILL BE ON AT 3PM EST WITH RESULTZ AND DISCUSSION. WE WILL BE LIVE …

The RTF Podcast Awards 2017 Video on YouTube

The RTF Podcast Awards 2017 on Podbean

  1. CATEGORY#1: MALE VULTURE OF 2017
    1. Jock Sock at Paris Masters
    2. Novak Djokovic in Eastbourne
    3. Jo-Wilfried Tsonga winning 4 titles in 2017
    4. Other Option::_________________
  2. CATEGORY#2: FEMALE VULTURE OF 2017
    1. Elena Vesnina at Indian Wells
    2. Jelena Ostapenko at Roland Garros
    3. Julia Georges in Zhuhai
    4. Other Option::_________________
  3. CATEGORY#3: MALE PLAYER WHO WAS NOT REALLY MISSED IN HIS ABSENCE
    1. Milos Raonic
    2. Novak Djokovic
    3. Stan Wawrinka
    4. Other Option::_________________
  4. CATEGORY#4: FEMALE PLAYER WHO WAS NOT REALLY MISSED IN HER ABSENCE
    1. Maria Sharapova
    2. Aga Radwanska
    3. Ana Ivanovic
    4. Other Option::_________________
  5. CATEGORY#5: THE VENUS MATCH THAT TOTALLY KILLED YOU
    1. Aussie Open Final
    2. Wimbledon Final
    3. US Open semifinal
    4. Other Option::_________________
  6. CATEGORY#6: THE BEST/WORST TENNIS NARRATIVE OF 2017
    1. Return of #TeamNole with Agassi and Stapanek
    2. Andy Murray, the Champion Feminist
    3. Laver Cup puts the nail in the coffin of Davis Cup
    4. Other Option::_________________
  7. CATEGORY#7: BEST/WORST OFF-COURT TENNIS HAPPENING
    1. Vika and her baby Daddy Drama
    2. Serena, her baby and her wedding
    3. Tennis Divorces
    4. Other Option::_________________
  8. CATEGORY#8: BEST/WORST COMMENTATING
    1. Every time John McEnroe and near everyone at ESPN open their mouth
    2. Every time BBC/EuroSport/Bein Sport talks about British athletes
    3. Doug Adler
    4. Other Option::_________________
  9. CATEGORY#9: BEST ATP NEW STAR
    1. Francis Tiafoe
    2. Denis Shapovalov
    3. Daniil Medvedev
    4. Other Option::_________________
  10. CATEGORY#10: BEST WTA NEW STAR
    1. Jelena Ostapenko
    2. Cici Bellis
    3. Ashleigh Barty
    4. Other Option::_________________
  11. CATEGORY#11 BEST/WORST COUPLING
    1. Serena and Alex
    2. Trouple Herbert, Goffin et Pouille
    3. Bouchard and her Super Bowl Turd
    4. Other Option::_________________
  12. CATEGORY#12: BEST/WORST INJURY
    1. BMS at Wimbledon
    2. David Goffin at the French
    3. Kneedal throughout the year
    4. Other Option::_________________
  13. CATEGORY#13: THE MAGA AWARD SINCE 45 IS PETTY AND NET NEUTRALITY MIGHT GO
    1. Coconut Vandeweghe
    2. John Isner
    3. Tennys Sandgren
    4. Other Option::_________________
  14. CATEGORY#14: SHADIEST/PETTIEST FEMALE PLAYER
    1. Your pick
    2. Your pick
    3. Your pick
    4. Other Option::_________________
  15. CATEGORY#15: SHADIEST/PETTIEST MALE PLAYER
    1. Your pick
    2. Your pick
    3. Your pick
    4. Other Option::_________________

THERE WILL BE A FEW OTHER AWARDS GIVEN OUT INCLUDING A FEW SPECIAL JURY PRIZES…..

LET US KNOW IF WE MISSED ANY CATEGORIES.. WE WILL BE LIVE TODAY 12/10/17 AT 3PM EST

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RealzTenisFanz Podcast #23: Oldies But Goodies!!!

In Uncategorized on August 25, 2015 at 3:14 pm

As we come to the “unofficial” close of the US Open Series, we are discussing all that we have seen from the contenders, pretenders, wannabes, scrubs and wenches at the Western and Southern Open. We also have our “foreign correspondent” Janina giving us all the feedback from her time in Cincinnati

Serena Williams with her 2nd Cincy Title

Serena Williams with her 2nd Cincy Title

Roger Federer with his 7th Cincy Title and Novak Djokovic with his 5th Cincy finalist cup

Roger Federer with his 7th Cincy Title and Novak Djokovic with his 5th Cincy finalist cup

French Open 2015 Day 1: They Trying to Fuck with Federer

In French Open, Grand Slam, Uncategorized on May 26, 2015 at 8:08 pm
The Defending Champions!!

The Defending Champions!!

So the French Open has begun this year and ordinarily I would do a draw breakdown but I have decided against that because well, my esteemed colleagues and I spent over 2 hours chatting about the draw and honestly, we do not need to talk anymore about this draw.

Plus to be honest, I hardly have the time. So as you should know by now, the French Open starts on a Sunday instead of the traditional Monday like all the other majors. This is wonderful as you know how there are 128 singles matches to be played over the course of three days. It being clay and there are no night sessions here in Paris, it makes it possible for all the matches to be played and we do not have a messy schedule. Anyway let us get to the tennis.

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So Mr. Federer (2) begins his campaign to get another French Open title. I mean he had a difficult enough time getting the first one, you know a second one is virtually impossible. Nonetheless, Mr. Federer will continue to try. Anywho, so he played Alejandro Falla who has in the past given him a run for his money. Who can forget in 2010 when Falla almost sent Mr. Federer packing at Wimbledon. Mr. Federer you would remember, was the then defending champion. It was not looking cute for the Swiss for a hot minute but he pulled through in the end. Anyway, in this match, Mr. Federer was not mucking about. It was a solid performance 6-3 6-3 6-4. He was not broken saving both break points and he was 4/16 on break point conversion; his usual standard. However, the real story of the day was the fact that Mr. Federer is being accosted on court twice in two days.

roger-federer-tennis-selfie-fan_3307383

Who the fuck are you kid? I got 4 but I am sure you are not one of them

 

Is this a Circus?? Can one of you fucking clowns come get this kid?

Is this a Circus?? Can one of you fucking clowns come get this kid?

Mr. Federer had this to say on the matter; “It happened yesterday in the practice, too. I think it’s true for all players that you have to feel safe when we play, feel safe on the courts. It shouldn’t happen too often. It’s happened twice in two days and also in 2009 during the final. I think people should react more quickly … It’s not just being there, standing there on the courts wearing a nice tie and suit. It’s not that funny and I hope there is going to be a reaction from the tournament … They apologized, and I must say that I appreciated this, but I’d like to see what’s going to happen next.”

Let us not also forget that in the 2009 and 2013 finals, folks stormed onto the court. In 2009, the guy literally rubbed on Mr. Federer. In the 2013 final, the protester got on court and lit a flare … it was on fire. Divadal himself has also been accosted back in 2011 if I am not mistaken at the US Open. However, I think that was more of a domestic situation. Not everyone is comfortable with the “hit it and quit it” business. We are not all made for hooking up. However, I digress and we are not here for that.

Back in 2009 French Open Final ... Man got so close to Federer he was able to get very close and personal

Back in 2009 French Open Final … Man got so close to Federer he was able to get very close and personal

federer9-HA-Sport-Paris

This was when security thought it necessary to intervene

federer4-HA-Sport-PARIS

Back in 2013

Back in 2013, flare was lit before he got on the court

French Open final 2013

French Open final 2013

He had fire on court

He had fire on court

2009 US Open quarterfinal ... This is not a protester but this is looking more like a private domestic matter to me

2009 US Open quarterfinal … This is not a protester but this is looking more like a private domestic matter to me

Bitch you need to stop. It was a one time thing

Bitch you need to stop. It was a one time thing

Meanwhile, this is what the tournament director, Gilbert Ysern had to say on the matter, “It’s not the end of the world but it was embarrassing, and we are collectively responsible as organizers … We made a mistake and it won’t happen again … There is no reason for us to change security procedures. It was just a lack of judgment.” You think this man forgot that Monica Seles got stabbed on court during a match right? He is being completely blazé about this incident. He said that “security has been upgraded because of the Charlie Hebdo incident. Yet this kid is able to get on court, grab Mr. Federer and attempt to take a selfie. Not only that this was the second incident involving Mr. Federer in as many days. If a man can get a flare on court and a kid could put his camera phone up to Federer, what is stopping it from being something more dangerous and actually injure another player. This is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE for this kinda event. In fact, this does not happen at the ATP 250s and should not be happening at the majors.

Anyways, let’s move onto other newz on the menz side! Stanley Wawrinka (8) has already made major stride at this year’s event than he did last year. He won his first round match. Something he failed to do last year. Whereas he struggled last time against Guillermo Garcia-Lopez aka GGL, this time around he handled Marcel Ilhan with considerable ease 6-3 7-5 6-1. Stanley, like his compatriot Mr. Federer, also had issues with the tournament as a scathing article about him popped up on the official French Open website. The article was spilling the Tea on how Stanley left his wife for a teenager! The tournament has since taken down the article! Stanley made a stink saying,“Completely stupid article … It’s the official website of a Grand Slam, so I hope the guy who did that article is not a journalist … I also hope the guy who is supposed to check all the article on the website is not working anymore for the tournament.”

American Steve Johnson ... certainly not on the hottie list at all looking like a house plant

American Steve Johnson … certainly not on the hottie list at all looking like a house plant

Interestingly enough, speaking of GGL, he was seeded 26 this year and he was the victim of an upset loss as American Steve Johnson in 5 sets 3-6 3-6 7-5 6-3 3-6. Folks imagined that Stanley and GGL would meet in the 3rd Round but that’s not happening now at all. GGL was 1 of 2 seeded players to get bounced on the 1st day; the other being Ivo Karlovic (25). Karlovic lost to Marcos Baghdatis 7-6 6-4 6-4. Karlovic just could not get any momentum swinging his way and so is out of these championships.

Kei Nishikori is on some folks list as a serious contender for this title

Kei Nishikori is on some folks list as a serious contender for this title

Kei Nishikori (5) was his usual self. You know, needlessly complicating his life against some low level scrub. He took on Paul-Henri Mathieu and did his usual walkabouts in the 2nd set but he too closed out the match in straight sets 6-3 7-5 6-1. Local favourite Jo-Wilfried Tsonga (14) also made easy work of Swedish qualifier Christian Lindell 6-1 6-2 6-2. Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) also put the beatdown on his opponent Go Soeda 6-1 6-0 6-2. Last year’s surprise semifinalist, Ernests Gulbis (24) is having a hard time this year winning matches. In fact I am near certain he has not won more than 4 matches for the year and if he does not win at least 4 at that championships, his ranking will sink like a stone in water. He got off to a decent start winning his 1st round match 6-4 6-4 7-6 over Igor Sijsling.

Lukas Rosol allegedly no one likes him on tour according to Lochness Murray

Lukas Rosol who allegedly no one likes him on tour according to Lochness Murray

Other winners on the day were Roberto Bautista-Agut (19), Nicolas Mahut, Lukas Rosol over Swedish new sensation Elias Ymer, Dudi Sela, Pablo Andujar and Dusan Lajovic. All of them won in straight sets. Damir Dzumhur also went through to the 2nd round but he did so when Mikhail Youzhny retired. Youzhny apparently was whacking himself on the head with his racquet AGAIN!

Simona is looking to win her first major

Simona is looking to win her first major

On the ladies side, things were not so exciting. Simona Halep (3) began her effort to go one step further this year than she did last year when she got to the final. She started get bid for the title facing Russia’s Evgeniya Rodina. a Halep was not a model of consistency but more so a model of inconsistency. She raced out to a 4-1 lead including 2 service breaks and then next thing you know, it’s 5-5. She got her life together and closed of the set 7-5 but the 2nd was near the same missing simple shots. However, like before at the latter end of the set, she turned it up to close out the match 7-5 6-4.  Halep next faces Marijana Lucic-Baroni in the next round, an opportunity to avenge an embarrassing loss to the Croatian at the US Open last year in the 3rd Round.

You haters mad I didn't lose in the 1R, well I was surprised myself but I am in the 2R so don't get mad

You haters mad I didn’t lose in the 1R, well I was surprised myself but I am in the 2R so don’t get mad

There were two real surprises of the day; the fact that Ana Ivanovic (7) is still in the tournament and Caroline Garcia (31) isn’t. Many left that Garcia was the darkhorse pick at these championship and that Ivanovic would be sent packing in the 1st round but it was not till be. Garcia was facing Donna Vekic, the 18-year-old Croat who is allegedly the new flame in Stanley’s life. Anyway Garcia looked poised to live up to the expectation taking the 1st set 6-3 but soon after she completely lost the plot as though overcome by the sheer weight of expectation on her shoulder. She allowed Vekic into the match by making the most horrendous errors and Vekic was not about to not show up the French Tennis Federation on the main show court Philippe Chatrier after they done did dragged her name through the rumour mills. Anyway, Vekic began finding her range on the court and moved into the ascendancy. She took the match 3-6 6-3 6-2 and will collect at least a 2nd round cheque which is undoubtedly more than the 1st round cheque.

Of course being French and all, I would fail when under pressure

Of course being French and all, I would fail when under pressure

French Federation that's what you get for putting me through the rumour mill

French Federation that’s what you get for putting me through the rumour mill

Ana faced Yaroslava Shvedova who can on the rare occasion find superb form and compete with the best on tour. Most felt that this matchup might have brought out one such occasion but it was not to be. Shvedova won the 1st set 6-4 but seemed that that her only goal of the day as she won only two more games for the entire match losing it 6-4 2-6 0-6. Needless to say that Ana is most excited by this turn off events as Garcia was looming in the 3rd Round. Garcia has beaten Ana on 3 occasions, all this year. Also Ana won her 1st major match for the year losing in the 1st round of Melbourne to Lucie Hradecka if I’m not mistaken.

2015+French+Open+Day+One+go_8YOLspwdl

Polona Hercog show off her sleeve

 

Other seeded players who won were Garbine Muguruza (21) over Petra Martic 6-2 7-5, Ekaterina Makarova (9) over Lauren Chirico 6-4 6-2. Makarova is a dangerous floater especially at majors as she made the semifinals of the last two majors hence why she’s ranked so highly.. Lucie Safarova (13) took out Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova 7-6 7-6 and Flavia Pennetta (28) beat M Linette 6-3 5-7 6-1. One other seeded player exited from the tournament, Shuai Peng (24) who retired from her match down 0-6 0-2 with a back injury. Apparently the injury is most severe as Peng later announced that she will not be returning to the tour for the rest of the year.

Shuai Peng being treated for her back

Shuai Peng being treated for her back

Yassssssssssssss that feels so nice. Keep doing it until the end of the season

Yassssssssssssss that feels so nice. Keep doing it until the end of the season

The other ladies who moved through to the next round were Elena Vesnina who beat Kirsten Flippers, Magdalena Rybarikova , Kurumi Nara, Bojana Jovanovski, M Doi and T Pereira.

Soon to be mother Amelie Mauresmo still on the job :-)

Soon to be mother Amelie Mauresmo still on the job 🙂

2015 Australian Open: Day 7 and 8 The Rounds of 16s

In Uncategorized on January 30, 2015 at 11:06 pm
The Aussie Open in the outback??

The Aussie Open in the outback??

Day 7 and Day 8 saw the completion of the entire round of 16 matches. All 16 matches; 8 on the women’s side and 8 on the men’s, were seen on court resulting in the draw finally being in the business end of the tournament: The quarterfinals then semis and finally the final. It is amazing how quickly these two weeks have passed and we are now down to so few players. We had 256 players in the singles draw last Sunday/Monday. Now we are down to 16 after the completion of these two days play.

Let us deal with the women’s:

Genie gurl, we have to put all of this in a bottle and never let it out. We can do better!!!

Genie gurl, we have to put all of this in a bottle and never let it out. We can do better!!!

On Day 7, the bottom half played. Bouchard (7) took on Irina-Camelia Begu and was in dominant fashion having taken the 1st set 6-1 and breaks up in the 2nd. However, she lost her way and allowed Begu back into the match. Begu did not hesitate to take the 2nd 7-5 and forced a 3rd set. Well as she noted after the match, Bouchard went to the bathroom and had a conversation with herself in the mirror, “Genie this is unacceptable!” The Canadian got her life together and took the decisive set and the match 6-1 5-7 6-2. She is through to her 2nd straight Aussie Open quarterfinals. Her opponent, Martha Shriekapova (2) had an easy time against the soft hitting Chinese player, Shuai Peng (21). Peng was merely giving Martha a light practice out on court. She really could do nothing to hurt the Russian in the least. Martha did everything better and it showed as Martha took the match 6-3 6-0.

I got no time for these extras and wenches! I am coming for the Aussie Open crown

I got no time for these extras and wenches! I am coming for the Aussie Open crown

Another Russian who had an easy time of her opponent was Ekaterina Makarova who played Julia Goerges. It was clear that the German was going to be in a lot of trouble against the Russian. First off, Goerges was further in this tournament that she really had a right to be. She has not been in situations like this in a long time and her mental shortcomings have been well documented. Makarova was all over her and got the early leads in the both sets. However, she could not close them out on her serve. That hardly mattered as her lead was so much that she was able to break Goerges on the next game to close it out, 6-3 6-2. Halep (3) will play Makarova in the quarterfinal as the Romanian took out Belgian Yanina Wickmayer. Wickmayer won their previous encounter but this time around, Halep came out ready for her. Halep won 6-4 6-2 and in her 2nd straight Aussie Open quarterfinal.

It looks like she's wearing a tshirt and a handtowel

It looks like she’s wearing a tshirt and a handtowel

The Round of 16 matches on the following day were far more interesting and intriguing on the women side. First up Cibuttkova took on Vickie who is saying that her name is Vika and not Vickie; a lot of people have now taken to call her Vicky/Vickie. Remember you heard it here first peoplez. It was REALZ who started to call her Vickie first! Anyway, gurl, this is RealzTenisFanz, you just have to deal with the name change. Everyone has made the necessary adjustments in their minds and you should be no different. You are just lucky that I generally like you and not shade you with a name like “Red’s Fool” but good thing you dumped that mofo. Anyway, so Vickie was up against Cibuttkova and Vickie started off WELL with a 2-0 lead. However, I am not sure what happened but Cibuttkova worked her way back into the match point by point and reeled off 6-straight game to take the opening set 6-2.

Cibuttkova was swinging left right and centre v Vickie

Cibuttkova was swinging left right and centre v Vickie

This was very impressive bit of tennis because Vickie was looking to boss the point around and take control of the baseline. However, Cibuttkova’s forehand was on like a boiled corn. She was hitting that thing hard and deep, forcing Vickie back in the trenches where she is prone to be more erratic. In the 2nd set, Vickie again started off with a break and this time, she made the necessary adjustments and put Cittbukova on the defensive. She began controlling the rallies and winning the points for her efforts. She took the 2nd set 6-3. In the 3rd set, she again started off with a break but as in the 1st set, she was unable to the lead. Cibuttkova continued to be solid and consistent from the back of the court and making some excellent shots. She would break Vickie one more time and take the match 6-2 3-6 6-3. She too was heading to her 2nd straight Aussie Open quarterfinals.

I must be dreaming!!

I must be dreaming!!

WOW the difference in stature is remarkable!

WOW the difference in stature is remarkable! The bigger they are, the harder they fall

Another big match of the day was Serena taking on Garbine Muguruza (24), the woman who took her out of the French Open last year. This match was heavily built up and one can see why. Muguruza was outplaying  Serena in that 1st set. She was no typical Spanish player willing to grind out a point. Nope Muggy is all about going for her shots and quick 1-2-3 punches. However, in the 2nd set, after taking the 1st set 6-2, Serena turned on the heat. She got her life together and began playing her shots and taking advantages of the MANY BREAK POINT CHANCES she had. There were so many. She took the 2nd set 6-3 and in the 3rd set, Muggy was just DONE! She could not keep up and was looking dusted on points. Serena took it 2-6 6-3 6-2. See Muggy only have strength for Serena but struggles elsewhere yet I think she has the capability of being a top 10 player in the future. But she is well off the plot if she cannot maintain her intensity and play in big matches like this.

Like you really thought you were going to beat me a 2nd time at a major? LOL #Gurlbye

Like you really thought you were going to beat me a 2nd time at a major? LOL #Gurlbye

Another American Madison Keys took on a fellow American Madison Brengle for a place in what would be the first major quarterfinal for either player. And again Keys is showing herself to be very impressive in these big matches. She really handled herself very well again Dellacqua in the 3rd round and now in the 4th round, she kept at it. She took out Brengle 6-2 6-4. She held her mental composure together well in the 2nd set when it became apparent that Brengle was finding her range again. It is very good to see young American talent burgeoning. Keys’ name has been up there for a while and now under the tutelage of Lindsay Davenport, 2000 champion here in Melbourne, she is finally showing great signs of things to come. HOWEVER, time will truly tell. There have been A LOT of players who the same can be said and they have not panned out to this day. But good luck to Keys. However, I wish her luck to run out at this point because she would be facing my main gurl Venus Ebony Starr Williams aka Granny Vee in the quarters.

Madison Keys has found the key to success here in Melbourne so far

Madison Keys has found the key to success here in Melbourne so far

The match du jour had to be Aga v Granny Vee and it was a great win for the American. She came out strong and took the 1st set 6-3. Aga was playing into her hands going for rallies instead of mixing up the shots. Vee was able to stand toe-to-toe with Aga and dictate the terms of the match. In the 2nd set, Granny Vee had to catch her breathe. She got broken early and then got broken again giving Aga the edge. The Pole took the set 6-2 and we all thought that Granny Vee was going to go home. She had a great run nonetheless. Again we lost faith in the legend. It did not help matters that in the 3rd set, she got broken to open the set. Never give up on your champions because Granny Vee Ebony Starr came back to win 6 straight game and take the match 6-3 2-6 6-1. She is back in a major quarterfinals, first time since 2010 US Open. AMAZING.

SHE WASN'T READYYYYY!!

SHE WASN’T READYYYYY!!

Ebony Starr is shining BRIGHTLIKE A DIAMOND

Ebony Starr is shining BRIGHTLIKE A DIAMOND

So the Ladies Quarterfinals are set:

  • Martha Shriekapova (2) v Genie Bouchard (7)
  • Koolaide Halep (1) v Makarova (10)
  • Serenanator (1) v Cibuttkova (11)
  • Granny Vee (18) v Madison Keys
Divadal is so far en pointe at the Aussie Open

Divadal is so far en pointe at the Aussie Open

On the men’s side there was really nothing of consequence to talk about per se. Divadal (3) took on Kevin Anderson (14) and of course he won in straight sets 7-5 6-1 6-4. I mean Anderson cannot even beat Berdych so I cannot imagine that Anderson felt he even had a chance against the likes o Divadal. I am surprised that he even won 5 games in a one set. Nonetheless he did really well for himself to get this far. Up next for Divadal would be the mercurial Tomas Berdych (7) aka Lurch aka Berdshite and soon to be Mr. Satorova (he’s engaged you all) He took on Australia’s Bernard Tomic and again he has showed himself to be in good shape at this event. He got through comfortably 6-2 7-6 6-2. So far I have been really impressed by the Czech and I do not even think he has dropped a set just yet.

Berdych is finding fine form here in Melbourne

Berdych is finding fine form here in Melbourne. Seems like he got his mind, body and game to all work together AS ONE AT THE SAME TIME. Meanwhile, Berdych, I am not seeing any package in your nest. Are you tucking? Are you a grower because you certainly not a shower?

The other two men’s match on this day (Day 7) were far more exciting. Dimitrov was taking on Lochness Murray, the guy who he dismantled at last year’s Australian Open. They split the first two sets but it was surprisingly Lochness Murray who came through in 4 sets, 6-4 6-7 6-3 7-5. I was really surprised because I expected Dimitrov to show more effort but I think he got tired after wasting all the time in the 3rd round v Baghdatis. He had no business at all being in a 5 setter with that scrub. Nonetheless, I would admit that Dimitrov had been looking rather sluggish on court but I figured that that was just his way of conserving energy after he got crushed in Brisbane by Mr. Federer 6-2 6-2.

Lochness Monster is making Melbourne Magic

Lochness Monster is making Melbourne Magic

Lochness Murray would face the lone Aussie left in the draw, Nick Kyrgios aka Kripsy Kringles who faced the man who knocked out Mr. Federer, Andreas Seppi. Seppi took control of the match like he did against Federer from the start. Seppi was up 2-0 sets 7-5 6-4 but I guess the crowd got in his face and he was unable to convert on the match point. Sometimes in tennis, when you blink, you never see straight again. Kyrgios took the match 5-7 4-6 6-3 7-6 8-6. He is through to his first major quarterfinals if I am not mistaken … wait perhaps he got through to Wimbledon’s quarterfinal. Yeah he did, he beat Divadal in the 4th round. How could I have forgotten that? He then lost to Milos if I am not mistaken.  Anyway he is through to his first quarterfinal at his home slam.

Of course Seppi went home in the next round!

Of course Seppi went home in the next round! You’re cute but you GET ZERO sympathy from me as you beat Mr. Federer

The following day for the men’s Round of 16, we had the top half in action and I have to say that I was particularly pleased with a few of the players. Let me first say that Kei Horsikori (5) has taken my advice and decided that quick and efficient is the way to go when it comes to majors. He dismissed Fake Fire Ferrer (9) in straight sets 6-3 6-3 6-3. I cannot ask for a more solid and/or quicker match from the Japanese. Hopefully this spurs him on to greater things here. His opponent would be Stanley (4) whom he took out back in NYC at the US Open in the quarters.  Now it was Stanley’s turn to disappoint me. He has been merrily going along is way here in Melbourne. However, it was Guillermo Garcia-Lopez who was playing the impressive tennis. He was giving Stanley drama on the court. Stanley’s life kept getting complicated and he could not deal for a moment. After taking the first 2 sets 7-6 6-4 with momentum shifting back and forth, Stanley got outplayed in the 3rd set. Garcia-Lopez finally got things together to take the 3rd set 6-4. In the fourth set, they were both playing well so a tiebreaker was needed to decide things. GL was up 6-1 only to let Stanley back into the match to take it. Stanley took it 7-6 6-4 4-6 7-6.

Djoker is still the man to beat here!

Djoker is still the man to beat here!

Djoker (1) was very solid against the hard serving Luxembourger Gilles Muller. Djoker stayed very solid until the crucial later stages of the match and pounced on his opponent. Djoker is through to another quarterfinals here 6-4 7-5 7-5. He will take on Milos Raonic (8) who had his hands full with FeFe Lopez (12) who it looks like is trying to get back his career in the top brackets of the game. He forced it to a 5th set but unfortunately came up short 4-6 6-4 3-6 7-6 3-6. Milos is back into the quarterfinals of the Aussie Open for the 2nd straight year.

FeFe Lopez yet again so close but yet so far from a great major run

FeFe Lopez yet again so close but yet so far from a great major run

Men’s Quarterfinals:

  • Stanley (4) v Kei (5)
  • Djoker (1) v Raonic (8)
  • Divadal (3) v Berdych (7)
  • Lochness Murray (6) v Nick Kyrgios

 THE BIG PICTURE SHOW

This hair part is so EPIC. Meanwhile, Milos is giving me a lot of cuteness right now

This hair part is so EPIC. Meanwhile, Milos is giving me a lot of cuteness right now

Milos is getting featured today

Milos is getting featured today

Even in black and white, Milos is looking cute

Even in black and white, Milos is looking cute

NO you cannot stalk me and NO you cannot have my number

NO you cannot stalk me and NO you cannot have my number

Guillermo Garcia-Lopez can get it

Guillermo Garcia-Lopez can get it

He has a big mouth and loves beef :-)

He has a big mouth and loves beef 🙂

Berdych showing off his body! Meanwhile the lineguy is getting self conscious sucking in his stomach

Berdych showing off his body! Meanwhile the lineguy is getting self conscious sucking in his stomach

Tampomic is showing off

Tampomic is showing off

In case you need to towel off

In case you need to towel off

Thomas Johansson won Aussie Open back in 2002 . Yeah over Safin. Meanwhile, I can't explain what's with this new look

Thomas Johansson won Aussie Open back in 2002 . Yeah over Safin. Meanwhile, I can’t explain what’s with this new look

See I like Kuzi-Rex it is tiedye that I have an issue with. See my philosophy about tiedye is for it to be tie up some place and to die

See I like Kuzi-Rex it is tiedye that I have an issue with. See my philosophy about tiedye is for it to be tie up some place and to die

#icant with this horrid outfit

#icant with this horrid outfit

En garde!

En garde!

As always Kei is stylish in his shotmaking ability

As always Kei is stylish in his shotmaking ability

D for Djoker

D for Djoker

D for Defence

D for Defence

Granny Vee's hair is flowing and moving!!

Granny Vee’s hair is flowing and moving!!

Is that a zit on my chin?

Is that a zit on my chin?

I've fallen and I can't get up

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

Wait, the cat is trying to get out of the bag ...

Wait, the cat is trying to get out of the bag …

He's all about getting her attention with his big sign

He’s all about getting her attention with his big sign

Serena is all "emotionable" by his gesture

Serena is all “emotionable” by his gesture

Plain Jane

Plain Jane

sadas

sadas

Rugged Rose

Rugged Rose

Festive kids

Festive kids

Djoker doing anything to get some attention out there

Djoker doing anything to get some attention out there

We got our pocketbooks in case of any emergencies

We got our pocketbooks in case of any emergencies

What are you hitting at?

What are you hitting at?

Garbine kiss my @$$

Garbine kiss my @$$

Why are you do rude to me Serena?

Why are you do rude to me Serena?

#gurlbye

#gurlbye

Is Rod Laver alive?

Is Rod Laver alive?

I mean check his pulse ...

I mean check his pulse …

Why is being dragged out to Melbourne every year?

Why is being dragged out to Melbourne every year?

Rod Laver and evil queen Margaret Court

Rod Laver and evil queen Margaret Court

Someone check her blood sugar ... ain't no way you're suppose to be eating ice cream with that mean look on your face

Someone check her blood sugar … ain’t no way you’re suppose to be eating ice cream with that mean look on your face

I hope that's liquid Rogaine in that bottle

I hope that’s liquid Rogaine in that bottle

Divadal this is a mess. You were out for months. You should get this dealt with promptly

Divadal this is a mess. You were out for months. You should get this dealt with promptly

It might not look it but there is something rude and suggestive about this photo ... you have an open mouth, two balls in hand and an extended middle finger

It might not look it but there is something rude and suggestive about this photo … you have an open mouth, two balls in hand and an extended middle finger

My rant… in stats

In Uncategorized on January 30, 2015 at 2:14 pm

Least we FORGET HOW GREAT Mr. Federer is and was!! This is by “RogerFedererFan” and despite our shared admiration for Mr. Federer, it is without a doubt that it is pure undiluted truth in this post right here!! This is RealzTenisFanz approved!

rogerfedererfan

As we know by now, Roger Federer lost in the third round of the Australian Open. I don’t like to write about losses so I figured I would come back to the blog when I finally had something else to talk about. But then came the deluge of stats all over the media: of streaks getting broken, measurements of his failure and indicators of his fall from grace. So I decided I had enough of this nonsense and compiled my own list of stats and records that ‘measure’ Roger Federer, as of his latest matches in Australia in 2015. Here we go!

  • 2f_federer_08222012_005-2Roger holds the record for most Grand Slam titles (17), most Grand Slams finals (25), SFs (36) and QFs (43) and NONE of these records will get crossed in 2015. The closest active players are Nadal for total Grand Slam titles (14) and finals (20), while Djokovic is…

View original post 971 more words

2015 Australian Open: Day 6 The Day of Reckoning!

In Uncategorized on January 28, 2015 at 9:06 pm

gq4de

So Day 6 had arrived and we had the day of reckoning; Granny Vee v Camila Giorgi! I mean this was the marquee match of the day and they had it up first on the stadium. I was into this match not because I am a huge Venus fan but because I know there was very much the possibility for Venus to lose this match after all that smart talking I was doing with those memes. I know Venus is capable of playing like the former No.1 she is and then also act like she barely know what to do with a tennis racquet on court.

gq4f5

Well it was the latter Venus who showed up to play Giorgi. Venus was just not doing anything with theSo Day 6 had arrived and we had the day of reckoning; Granny Vee v Camila Giorgi! I mean this was the marquee match of the day and they had it up first on the stadium. I was into this match not because I am a huge Venus fan but because I know there was very much the possibility for Venus to lose this match after all that smart talking  with doing with those memes. I know Venus is capable of playing like the former No.1 she is and then also act like she barely know what to do with a tennis racquet on court. ball of much consequence. She was playing on the backfoot and at times, it seemed as though she was playing on backfeet and on her hands as well. She was well off on her shots. However, that is not to say that Giorgi was not playing well because she was! She was playing amazing tennis! In fact it seemed as though despite her diminutive stature, she can wail on the ball. She was playing the type of tennis that was very much the norm back in the early 2000’s “Big Babe Tennis” She was the one rushing the net, getting the forehand well measured on the line and serving up a storm. It was Venus’s game plan being employed against her.

Giorgi is now wearing a bandana as a dress. She ain't about that life at all

Giorgi is now wearing a bandana as a dress. She ain’t about that life at all

However, Granny Vee was patient and as she would later say, “This old cat still has some tricks in her bag.” She was on the brink of defeat as Giorgi served for the match. Even I had given up hope of her winning the match. Giorgi was up 3-5 and then Venus steadied herself like her former self; Vintage Venus. Venus reeled off 4 straight games to now put Camila on the back foot. Camila was able to save a set point and pushed the 2nd set to a tiebreaker. It was do or die for Granny Vee and I swear, I really expected her to wither. I cannot begin to tell you how many tiebreakers or as I like to call them, heartbreakers I have seen Granny Vee just been destroyed. US Open 2014 3rd round v Sara Errani. Yes that match and here we are again with another Italian in the 3rd round of a major and Granny Vee is again up against the ropes.

Hold my towel for a minute while I go deal with this itch!

Hold my towel for a minute while I go deal with this itch!

The tennis gods hear my prayers and they delivered. Ebony Starr shone bright like a diamond and raced ahead in the break to take it 7-3 points. A 3rd and decisive set was on needed. In this set, Vintage Venus was on full display. She made formidable tennis throughout the entire 3rd set and Giorgi was left wondering who the hell is this woman and where the hell was she all match long. It must have been a bitter pill to swallow as she could get no chance to boss the points around. Her serve was her great undoing as she had 16 double faults total for the match. Venus was relentless in the 3rd set and her effort paid off as she closed the match 4-6 7-6 6-1.

You like that breadstick in the 3rd set?

You like that breadstick in the 3rd set?

gq4om

Up next for the veteran is the newly reformed Aga Bratzwanka who now until the tutelage of Martina. Aga has been rolling through throw this draw thus like a boulder down a hill. She is picking up speed and crushing everything in her path. She has played three matches and in each of them, baked up a bagel for her opponents. She delivered the 3rd of those bagels to Varvare Lepchenko 6-0 7-5. Victoria Azarenka followed up her impressive 2nd round win to beat Barbora Zahlavova-Styrcova (25) 6-4 6-4. She will take on Dominika Cibuttkova (11) who knocked out Lordlize Cornemort (19) 7-5 6-2. Garbine Muguruza (24) took on Timea Bacsinszky and showed herself to be in great form these championships. She won 6-3 4-6 6-0. She will next face Serena whom she took out in straight sets 6-2 6-2 at the French Open last year.

Serenanator in action

Serenanator in action

Serena had a toughish time against Elena Svitolina (26) who is also looking to be playing in great form this tournament. Svitolina came out on fire v Serena in the opening set. She was not missing a thing and Serena was forced on her backfoot. She was out of position for all her shots and making errors galore. She dropped the set 4-6. However, knowing Serena, she takes these lapses in concentration in stride. In the 2nd and 3rd sets it was all Serena and Svitolina was nowhere to be found. Serena took it 4-6 6-2 6-0. Two other Americans would join the Williams sisters in the Round of 16; Madison Keys and Madison Brengle. Keys scored the big upset of the day when she knocked out Petra Kvitova (4) 6-4 7-5 and Brengle took out another American CoCo Vandeweghe 6-3 6-2. It is rather a disappointment result for Petra because I really thought she was going to make something of this run here in Melbourne and at least make the quarters if nothing at all. Alas Petra will only play well on the grass of Wimbledon.

Keys letting Petra know she's thankful for the free match

Keys letting Petra know she’s thankful for the free match

Well after Day 5’s titanic upset, Day 6 proved to be very somber. There was no drama unless you count Kei Horsikori playing for the Dodge City Tennis Team. This frigger seems to think that it is okay to be dropping random sets to scrubs. It is as though he is incapable of playing a complete match from start to finish. This time, he gave American Steve Johnson the 1st set 6-7 and then for the rest of the match, it was back being Horsikori who is ranked 5 in the world playing a guy who is ranked who knows and who cares in the world. Horsikori through 6-7 6-1 6-2 6-3. This sorta time wasting tactic will not bode well for him in the latter half of this tournament; if he even get there.

Fake Fire Ferrer is still around!

Fake Fire Ferrer is still around!

Djoker (1), Stanley (4) and Milos (8) were all showing themselves in impeccable form as they made it through their 3rd round match in straight sets. Djoker took out Tabasco Verdasco (31) 7-6 6-2 6-4 and Stanley took out Jarkko Nieminen 6-4 6-2 6-4. These top guys were not the only ones with straight set victories. FeFe Lopez (12) took care of Jerzy Janowicz 7-6 6-4 7-6 and Guermillo Garcia-Lopez aka GGL won over a physically struggling Vasek Popiscle 6-2 6-4 6-2.  A resurgent Gilles Muller has found some fine form again and made it through to the Round of 16 of a major as knocked out Mountain Troll BFG Isner (19) 7-6 7-6 6-4. Ferrer (9) also won but he needed 4 sets to get by Gilles Simon (19) 6-2 7-5 5-7 7-6 to set up a date with Horsikori in the 4th round.  Djoker will play Muller for a place in the quarterfinals, Stanley will play GGL and FeFe Lopez will play Raonic. Should be some exciting contests coming up! 

Andreas Seppi

Andreas Seppi

Cleans up really nice ... are you stalking me?

Cleans up really nice … are you stalking me?

I got a big mouth

I got a big mouth

Nice but I am do better

Nice but I can do better

Jarkko is HOTNESS all cleaned up

Jarkko is HOTNESS all cleaned up

And he has a BIG MOUTH TOO

And he has a BIG MOUTH TOO

Doesn't Novak resemble ...(see below)?

Doesn’t Novak resemble …(see below)?

Underdog!!!

Underdog!!!

Don't know who he but we would love to know him particularly in the biblical sense

Don’t know who he but we would love to know him particularly in the biblical sense

Lepchenko ... NNOOOO

Lepchenko … NNOOOO

HELLZ NO you show up to a match looking like this

HELLZ NO you show up to a match looking like this

I mean what the hell is this photo op about? Seriously Aussie Open?

I mean what the hell is this photo op about? Seriously Aussie Open?

Meanwhile Milos is showing us he can do it all the same without a partner

Meanwhile Milos is showing us he can do it all the same without a partner

But can I still get the girl?

But can I still get the girl?

The ball was in right there ...

The ball was in right there …

Is this what you call in?

Is this what you call in? Bitch you blind or you’re playing doubles by yourself?

Hahahah you beat me? Ridiculous

Hahahah you beat me? Ridiculous

WTF?? She beat me

WTF?? She beat me

Hey ladies ...

Hey gurls …Guess what time it is? GAYNESIA TIME

sdfsd

This is what happens when too much testosterone and liquor are in the same place … Gaynesia

The Smurfs are in Melbourne it seems

The Smurfs are in Melbourne it seems

Jelena, you best check your man because this side chick is coming for him

Jelena, you best check your man because this side chick is coming for him

I am DONE! I am just going to sit here and be over this shit right now

I am DONE! I am just going to sit here and be over with this shit right now

I hope no one smelled that one ... that was too much even for me

I hope no one used that last stall! WOW … that was too much even for me MUY MUY MUY MAS

So we are really good at Wii tennis ... soo

So we are really good at Wii tennis … soo

So we are going to try the real thing

So we are going to try the real thing

I was hoping we would take care of my eyebrows but she said she's not a miracle worker and just did my nails

I was hoping we would take care of my eyebrows but she said she’s not a miracle worker and just did my nails

(c) 2015 CRH

2015 Australian Open Day 5: You don’t come for Granny Vee!

In Uncategorized on January 27, 2015 at 7:09 pm

So Day 5 happened and boy am I still in shock! The only reason why I am still alive right now is because Day 6 happened but let us not get too ahead of ourselves.

This may or may not be an accurate depiction of me after Day 5 of this Aussie Open

This may or may not be an accurate depiction of me after Day 5 of this Aussie Open

So before the action of Day 5 even got under way, the Twitter world was fire when it was tweeted that Camila Giorgi who was set to play Granny Vee Venus Ebony Starr Williams in the 3rd round had ALLEGEDLY said when asked about Venus Williams, “I don’t know her!” Come again? Thot what? To add insult to injury, Camila allegedly added, “I only watched Sampras and Agassi back then!” Twitter lost its gaddam mind over this shite. I found it hilarious and added my 2 cents … actually I added way more than that to the pool. It was about a dollar and some change. However, before I get to how I spent my money I wanted to address the specifics of Giorgi’s shade because if this is all true and she did say this, though I have yet to uncover any validity to the “Twitter Testimony”, we have to address it. It cannot go unchecked at all!

First off, Giorgi is about 22 years old if I am not mistaken. Keep that in mind. In her alleged comments about not knowing Venus Williams and only being familiar with (Pete) Sampras and (Andre) Agassi, she did two things there. (I have to admit that this was quality shade! You gotta give credit where credit is due! She came to field with some good shite. She got A grade stuff) Anywho, so what Giorgi did was 1) Diss Venus on her age and 2) Diss her on her relevance. Speaking from a pre-match hype perspective, she is really doing well to set the stage for drama. For a weaker player, this would have been near mental nuclear bomb. However, this is Granny Vee we are talking about; she ain’t bothered! WTA Wenches do not bother her in the least.

grb5h

So Giorgi went after Venus’s age. When Granny Vee was 22, she was not only winning major matches CONSISTENTLY, she was number 1 in the world if I am not mistaken. She had 4 major titles and 2 Olympic gold medals. When Venus showed up at the US Open for the first time at age 17, she made it to the final on debut. She was no one-hit wonder either because she was making it consistently to the 2nd week of majors. She was winning other important titles too. She won her first two majors at 20. So Camila gurl what have you done in your 22 years of feeble existence? Silence* Crickets chirping* Just like I suspected, Nothing! And the crickets know it too. Now, don’t cry because that is just going to cheapen the whole thing and make me look like a bully when you were the one who started this. I am just going to be the one to finish it. You came out swinging in the Shady Pines Tournament. This is what it is really like in the big leagues of ShadyVille! The library is open boo and you are about to get read!

the library is open - read

And no I am not done! So back in 2002 when Pete Sampras played his LAST PROFESSIONAL match when you were about 9 or 10, he played it at the US Open beating Agassi in the final. But do you know who was in the women’s finals that year? Yeah you guessed it, the defending champion Venus Williams v Serena Williams, her younger sister. Back in 2000-2003, Venus and her sister put women’s tennis back on the map and have been the ones doing so till now. See the brand of tennis coverage that people get when it is not about the Williams Sisters is not about tennis at all. It is all about superficial stuff like glitz and glamour etc. I think that is the strategy your mama is taking by dressing you in Sailor Moon shorts. (Your mama is fair game since your papa put his mouth into the fray saying, you’re better than Venus! Papa please! Have a seat … have several in fact!)

The Sisters were doing it for themselves and for you too!!

The Sisters weren’t just doing it for themselves BUT for you too!!

But again I digress. Before there was Divadal, Mr. Federer, Djoker, Lochness Murray, Shriekapova and Azarenka, there was Venus and then Serena! They are the reason you get equal prize money at most tournaments, particularly Venus. So when you say, you don’t know Venus, you not just being shady, you are being downright disrespectful and you have to be checked. And I am the one to check you! But then again, if we are talking money and checks, those are issues for you no? Apparently you got none and the only checks you can issued are from the Banks of PlayDoh and Mattel. So you are able to buy Park Place on the Monopoly board and all of a sudden you feel you got strength to talk. Why don’t you scrape up the few pennies you have and get yourself some humble pie and pay hom-mage to the greatness that is Venus Williams? Venus is not only making bank on the tour, she owns an Interior Design Company, Fashion Design as well as partnership in other major corporations including the Miami Dolphins. You on the other hand cannot pay your creditors in trident layers gum even if they were willing to accept it.

gq4de

You might not know this but it is because of Venus why we are even noting your presence at the Australian Open this year. You might think that beating Flavia Pennetta (12) was some great achievement for you because maybe you’ll get picked for the Fed Cup team this year ahead of Karin Knapp but for Venus that’s just a routine day at the office. And gurl, let’s be on the real right now, Francesca Schiavone got more relevance than you. See the real question is not whether you know Venus but it is whether Venus knows you?

gfs_49450_2_16

I could FINISH you right now but I am gonna let Professor Serena have the final words on this matter when she told reporters this of her sister. I am gonna need you to pay attention for this bit … Wait can you even afford to pay attention?

CAPTION CORRECTION The Championships - Wimbledon 2013: Previews

“Yeah, she came in as a new face, a black woman that was shaking up the world. She had all the pressure on her shoulders. I kind of came in behind her. You know, just snuck in there. There was no pressure on me at all. She dealt with it so amazing. She had a lot of confidence and she had so much class and still does throughout everything. You can see that her personality is pretty much the same. She’s definitely grown but she’s always been very mature and very regal.”

Q. Was there a public moment in public when you were most proud of your sister?

“So many things. I mean, her sticking up for equal rights in Dubai when they wouldn’t let certain players play, her sticking up for equal prize money for the WTA in Wimbledon. So many different things that she’s done for the tour that’s made it a better place not just for me but for all the female players.”

Now you can cry! And may I never hear another word of this matter alleged or otherwise because next time, I am not gonna be so nice!

Jujubee-library-reading-to-filth

Back to our regular scheduled program:

So let us get to the real matter at hand, the tennis,

Mr. Federer had a bad day at the office

Mr. Federer had a bad day at the office

I guess we should start with the menz because the biggest story of the day and perhaps the entire championships, has come from the men’s draw. 4-time Champion here, Mr. Roger Federer has been dismissed by the most unlikely of opponent, Andreas Seppi, a player he has beaten in all 10 previous meetings. Seppi came out swinging and Mr. Federer was well off. Nothing was working for him and his lack of accuracy was paying off for Seppi. Even Mr. Federer’s usual deft on-court instincts were completely off. Twice Mr. Federer let makeable shots float by thinking that they would go long, both on set points no less. Both balls dropped well in resulting in him losing those sets, the last one being the match.

Andreas Seppi

Andreas Seppi

Seppi was clearly the better player. He was the one making the right decisions on court and getting his serve to work as well as getting the right length on his shots. All the breaks were going his way and whenever he was in trouble, Mr. Federer was just not able to capitalize and left his game long enough in order to maintain any advantage. Jim Courier, a former winner here noted something along the lines of “Federer just has to be Federer for 5 minutes in order to turn this match around.” However, it came to be that Federer was only Federer for short bursts of no more than 3 minutes interval and that was enough to get him a break in the 3rd set (A LUCKY NET CORD) but it was not enough to get him to win the match. Seppi took it 6-4 7-6 4-6 7-6. 

What had happened was ...

What had happened was …

This is the first time since 2003 that Mr. Federer has not made it to the semifinals or better at the Australian Open. It was 11 straight years of great performances here in Melbourne!

Mr. Federer had this to say of the match: “For some reason I struggled. Like I explained, it had things to do with Andreas’ game and with my game as well. You put those things together, all of a sudden you’re playing a match you don’t want to play. The rallies are going in a way you don’t like it. Then when I maybe needed my serve the most, it wasn’t quite there, because my baseline game wasn’t there either. It went in phases. But at least I was able to iron out things a bit and able to play much more solid at the back end of the match. But it just broke me to lose that second set. And actually the fourth, I should win it, too. Just a brutal couple of sets to lose there.

How many times have I played night session, day session, night session, day session or day session, night session? Who cares. I think he did well. I struggled today and he took advantage of it really. I wish I believed maybe if we played at night I would have been more comfortable, but at this point who cares, right? I mean, like I’m on the plane and he’s not, so…”

This is why Mr. Federer will forever be my homie slice FOR LIFE!!!

Divadal taking out Dudi Sela

Divadal taking out Dudi Sela

So anyway, Divadal was also set to play. He won his match quite comfortably because he was playing Dudi Sela. Yeah who is he? Sela did not put up much of a fight but Divadal was generous by letting it go to 12 games in the 3rd set: 6-1 6-0 7-5. Meanwhile, Divadal also had a bit of drama sounding his name on the day though I am sure his fans will not see it this way. Craig Tiley, the director of the Australian Open had this to say in regards to Divadal before this match and after this “epic match” v Tim Smyczek: “We saw that Rafa had lost a lot of fluids and Nadal’s team asked us to have the maximum possible time for recovery. We are in permanent contact with players’ teams and this decision was good for both parts, we are all happy and nobody should be upset about this. Rafa is one of the greatest players in this tournaments and a great asset of world tennis. We have to protect him”

I think this is ridiculous! I mean this is so unfair to players. Divadal played a 5-set match and not a 3-day affair a la John Isner and Nicolas Mahut. It is not that serious but as always, tennis has changed its standards for Divadal! As per Divadal, we have changed the court, the ball, the racquet and now we are fixing the schedule to give him the advantage. They might as well just put him in the final without playing the 6 previous rounds.

But anyway, the other menz! Lochness Murray (6) has been quietly making his way thought the draw. He has not dropped random sets and played solid thus far. He got rid of Joao Sousa of Portugal 6-1 6-1 7-5. He will play Dimitrov(10) who was having Marcos Baghdatis give him the run around as they had to go to a 5th set to decide the match. Dimitrov won it 4-6 6-3 3-6 6-3 6-3.

Berdych is still alive and strong in this tournament

Berdych is still alive and strong in this tournament

Other winners include Tomas Berdych (7) aka Berdshite who beat Viktor Triocki 6-4 6-3 6-4. Kevin Anderson (14) took out Richard Gasquet (24) in straight sets which oddly enough seems like an upset to me despite the ranking. Anderson was very decisive in his win 6-4 7-6 7-6 and I expected Gasquet to have done much more than this. However, I guess he had other ideas than living up to my expectations. Tampomic took out Sexy Sam Groth in straight sets 6-4 7-6 6-3 and fellow Aussie Nick Kripsy Kringle Kyrgios won in straight sets 6-3 7-6 6-1.

Goerges is through to the 4th Round of a major

Goerges is through to the 4th Round of a major

On the ladies side, we did not have much of a dramatic turn of events. A lot of the “Upset Queens” were sent packing as several faced each other. Julia Goerges took out Lucie Hradecka in straight sets 7-5 7-6. Hradecka had chances to take at least a set and even push for the match win. However, she lost focus and Goerges found hers at the right moment just when it was waning. Another Upset Queens matchup was Irina-Carmila Begu v Carina Witthoeft. Begu won in straight sets 6-4 6-4. On the other hand, Yanina Wickmayer continued on her upset winning ways when she took out Sara Errani (14) 4-6 6-4 6-3 and through to the 4th round. What is interesting about this victory is the fact that Errani was leading in all 3 sets. However, Wickmayer was on that money train and was not going to let 4th round money pass her by!

I am still here itches! Don't think that lil hiccup will faze

I am still here itches! Don’t think that lil hiccup will faze

All the other top seeded players kept their wits about them and secured straight sets victories. Martha (2) won 6-1 6-1 over Zarina Diyas (31) and Bouchard (7) took out Caroline Garcia 7-5 6-0. Garcia started the match very well but clearly was not about finishing well at all. She let early breaks go by. Simona Halep (3) went through 6-4 7-5 over Bethanie Mattek-Sands, Ekaterina Makarova (10) won over Karolina Pliskova (22) 6-4 6-4 and Shuai Peng (21) took care of Yaroslava Shvedova 7-6 6-3.

Halep is still here too!!

Halep is still here too!!

So there we have it. Day 5’s action! I hope you enjoyed it even if you might be reading it late or at all! 

#TEAMHOTTIES

He's often overlooked but Djoker is goodlooking

He’s often overlooked but Djoker is goodlooking

According to rumours, ... well they're just rumours and won't be repeated here

According to rumours, … well they’re just rumours and won’t be repeated here

Sexy Sam

Sexy Sam

Gorgeous Groth

Gorgeous Groth

And YES I wanna slam Sam

And YES I wanna slam Sam

Pablo Carreno-Busta is HOTNESS, Guillermo Garcia-Lopez ain't too bad himself. THREESOME

Pablo Carreno-Busta is HOTNESS, Guillermo Garcia-Lopez ain’t too bad himself. THREESOME

Karolina Pliskova is cute

Karolina Pliskova is cute

This girl is cute but what I don't get is why is she wearing panty briefs out in public

This girl is cute but what I don’t get is why is she wearing panty briefs out in public

#TEAMWENOTSUREYET

Grigor is losing looks these days. He just ain't doing it for me as of late

Grigor is losing looks these days. He just ain’t doing it for me as of late

Does Akgul Amanmuradova look like ...

Does Akgul Amanmuradova look like …

Nick Kyrgios? STFU Realz!

Nick Kyrgios? STFU Realz!

Mr. Federer’s match in pictures

So Mr. Federer came out as normal, pocketbook and racquet bag

So Mr. Federer came out as normal, pocketbook and racquet bag

Things got sticky going down 0-2 sets

Things got sticky going down 0-2 sets

My play STINKS but I think I can get it together and still win this thing

My play STINKS but I think I can get it together and still win this thing

Nooooooo I can't get it

Nooooooo I can’t get it

FUCK NOOOO I ain't winning this today

FUCK NOOOO I ain’t winning this today

Yeah congratulations and all but don't touch my butt ...

Yeah congratulations and all but don’t touch my butt …

Time to go home and make babies :-)

Time to go home and make babies 🙂

Mirka gurl, I am coming... get ready for me

Mirka gurl, I am coming… get ready for me

They aren’t ready yet! 

Mr. Federer trying to give you the Abs Show but failed

Mr. Federer trying to give you the Abs Show but failed

Marcos trying to give it to you but he's holding it in ... I hope he doesn't stifle himself

Marcos trying to give it to you but he’s holding it in … I hope he doesn’t stifle himself

Marcos Baghdatis during a match

You have two eyes Marcos

You have two eyes Marcos

To see ONE ball

To see ONE ball

Yet you still miss arghhhhh IDIOT

Yet you still miss arghhhhh IDIOT

Time for a medical time out to recuperate

Time for a medical time out to recuperate

Need a Fashion makeover NOW

NOOO Makarova. You can do better than this

NOOO Makarova. You can do better than this

Shuai Peng, we need to fix them edges. They are tore up gurl

Shuai Peng, we need to fix them edges. They are tore up gurl

Kei I am not sure what's going on with the hair accessory ... might be a bit too much

Kei I am not sure what’s going on with the hair accessory … might be a bit too much

Mixed Bag Photos

Can I get your number?

Can I get your number?

WTF is going on there? Who that heifer talking to my man?

WTF is going on there? Who that heifer talking to my man?

A bitch gonna protect her investment and stop these side bitches from taking over

A bitch gonna protect her investment and stop these side bitches from taking over

Andy! Andy! Andy! We LOOOOOVEEE YOUUU

Andy! Andy! Andy! We LOOOOOVEEE YOUUU

I gotta be aware of threats from these twinks too? WTMFF?

I gotta be aware of threats from these twinks too? WTMFF?

Hradecka trying the slipt

Hradecka trying the slipt

Dimitrov showing her how it is DONE!!

Dimitrov showing her how it is DONE!!

And he got his pocketbook too

And he got his pocketbook too

See most of these "fans" be coming out for their people in tank tops etc. However, Richard Gasquet's boys are the only ones shirtless. I wonder why?? Hmmmm

See most of these “fans” be coming out for their people in tank tops etc. However, Richard Gasquet’s boys are the only ones shirtless. I wonder why?? Hmmmm

Why the guy in the Yankee top boobs look bigger than those girls to the side

Why the guy in the Yankee top boobs look bigger than those girls to the side

Look at those hot men sans the one with the hat. He can hold the camera while we get it on in a foursome

Look at those hot men sans the one with the hat. Ain’t nobody here checking for bears! 

Why is his armpits shaved and hers not?

Why is his armpits shaved and hers look it is not?

Open letter to all players …

In Uncategorized on January 26, 2015 at 6:45 pm

I don’t fully agree with Pseudo-Federer but he has a point about Stanley always being bothered! You know how Realz feel about these fakinjuries and that they be documented or else count as near cheating! Enjoy this posting nonetheless 🙂 It is hilarious

Hello Little Guys,

It’s Me, GOAT. I hope you are enjoying the second week of the tournament and are still feeling gratefulness that I chose to depart during the first week. Sometimes when one reaches this level of seniority it is appropriate to let others have a chance too. You’re welcome.

So, the quarter-finals are ahead of you. Before you step on court may I suggest you do so fully prepared with last year’s final between Rafaello and Stanford firmly in mind. You’ll remember Stanford being rather insistent on being made aware of Rafaello’s medical issues, in minute detail. Therefore, if you have any pre-existing physical problems that may cause issues during the match please ensure you satisfy any queries Stanford may have. I recommend a medical certificate for each problem. All documents must be signed by three Doctors and also must be accompanied with 2 x-rays and 3 MRI…

View original post 87 more words

2015 Australian Open: Day 4 The Late Later Edition

In Uncategorized on January 24, 2015 at 4:12 am

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I am beginning to wonder if anyone really reads this blog. It might just be that the “supposed traffic” that I am getting is merely spam because I get a lot of Spam comments that I ultimately have to delete since there is no point in responding to internet bots. My eyes are heavy and carrying bags. I am foregoing sleep yet again to bring you a Realz Brand of Tennis Coverage that you can find nowhere else. Anyway, let us get on with the show. SO PLEASE FOLKS COMMENT AND LET’S GET A FOLLOWING!!

The Ladies 

grg6p

 

So it seems for better or worse, the ladies have got their lives together. They have settled down and played a better brand of tennis though several of the notable players are experiencing some hiccups. The Serenanator was up against Vera Zvonareva who has nearly fallen off the radar but there was a point in Vera’s career when she was the No.2 player in the world, a ranking that was legitimately earned. She made it to the finals of two majors (2010 Wimbledon and US Open) and was producing quality results at a few others (2011 Australian Open semifinals to name one). However, both mental and physical instabilities got the better of Vera. Now when I say mental instability, do not imagine like bipolar and/or schizophrenia, I am talking about the nagging doubts that have always plagued her throughout her career which more than likely intensified during her long absences due to injury.

Serena was getting outplayed by Vera and she didn't know who it was on the court

Serena was getting outplayed by Vera for a hot minute

However, I am digressing once again.  So ReRe was playing Vera and for a near full set, the Russian was digging into the American. She was relentless and forcing the issue. Her forehand was working and she earned herself 3 set points but they were all on Serena’s serve, which in and of itself was not such a bad thing at the time during the match. Serena was having issue with her ball toss and the second strike because of the sun. It was a serious problem. Anyway, so Vera had these 3 set points at 5-3 but in just the nick of time, Serenanator came back online and held for 4-5.

The sun is in my eyes!!!

The sun is in my eyes!!!

Vera to serve for the set! And therein laid the tale of the tape for this match. Vera could not get it done as Serena broke to level it at 5-5. What is even more accurate to say, Vera could not get anything else done for the match. Sometimes, in these big matches against these top players, they give you ONE SOLITARY look to wrest control of the match from them. If you fail to take that gift, they pounce and they rip into you like it was a grave insult to have dismissed their gift of a free rare win over them. They raise the level of their game so high that you are left more deflated than the Patriots footballs. (I hope I noted the right team). So Serenanator righted her life and Vera near lost hers. She did not win another game for the rest of the match as Serenanator was fully loaded and executing perfectly. Vera was gagging, Vera was missing and Vera was losing. Serena took the match 7-5 6-0, winning 10 straight games.

Sometimes Vera can play a giant's game but then she becomes a mental midget

Sometimes Vera can play a giant’s game but then she becomes a mental midget

So other winners: Well Granny Vee is playing well and getting through her matches with ease. She took out fellow American Lauren Davis 6-2 6-3. No struggling and no 3-setters thus far. We can only hope that she keeps this up because the matches are only going to get tougher and in this Melbourne heat, her Sjogren’s Syndrome would be trending. The sisters have also decided to pull out the Doubles Draw and for some journalists, this was of particular news. It did not help that when asked about why they pulled out, Venus responded by saying “According to the rules, you don’t have to give a reason. I think we’ll stick with that … No further questions on that. I object. Sustained. Thank you.” My main gurl Venus! It did not help that later when asked about the matter, Serena responded with, “I don’t think we have to give a reason … I think Venus answered that already.”

In other words

In other words

This gave the journalists a tittie attack because according to one of these said journalists, Carole Bouchard, “people are talking and saying there’s injury.” She added that she had to ask because that is her job. I quietly pointed out to her via Twitter that, she can ask but like the rules and Venus said, “You don’t need to know!” This turned into a “Twitter Tiff” where she quickly pulled rank and said that she is “sick of non-journalists” like myself who telling her what to do in her job. Gurrlll! She went there. She literally went for the jugular in a nano-second. However, I did not check her because you know, I am gonna let her have her shine for this rare moment because we all know I am right on this front. I mean how can there be a question of injury when they both moved so well in their singles matches on that day and won in straight sets. Doubles has not nor ever will be a priority for the Sisters at a major. Yes winning them is fun and great photo op but do you think it is a priority? If it were, we would see them playing week in and week out on the regular tour.

I am gonna just walk on by because Realz is handling these journos for me today!

I am gonna just walk on by because Realz is handling these journos for me today!

Furthermore, I have already won the battle. She engaged with me on Twitter. Plus I had already got in her face earlier last week about her “Gluten free diet” bit she posted on Twitter which scientists have now proven to be fad and a fake unless one has Celiac Disease. She does not have it. Djoker have these people running wild with this nonsense. Even he has shied away from this narrative.

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I did however explain to Mlle. Bouchard (She’s French) that the Williams Sisters do not need to win another doubles title in their life. They have 13 majors including 4 at the Australian Open. Why bother with more when Venus has Sjogren’s and the heat in Melbourne is crazy. However, she was adamant that there was a story there. I pointed out that there was no story but merely two sentences. “The Williams Sisters pulled out of the Doubles Draw. They gave no reason” BOOM! What is an even more pressing story is the wellbeing of Vera Zvonareva because we know she is drowning herself in tears in the locker room as we tweet. She of course turned it into some “Journalistic Code” of going for the story and presenting information when people wish not to share and her “editor” not wanting that story. This for me is a really tricky issue.

You have insufficient funds for this discussion because you have ZERO sense

You have insufficient funds for this discussion because you have ZERO sense

Pardon the mini digression here. In the age of Social Media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, SnapChat, Vine, etc etc and everybody and their grandmother having a camera and a “smartphone”, we have all become, sorry to say, dumb. We have lost our sense of privacy (pronounced prey-ve-cee not pry-va-cee I kid not that serious) and the need and importance of being private. Everything now is up for grabs to be in the limelight. I personally believe that cameras should be treated like stoves in people’s homes and apartment; everyone has one but not everyone is capable of using it to its fullest potential and thus they keep it simple and never publicize their meagre or mediocre results. Anyway, we now live in the world where journalism is all about “Click Bait”. Where the integrity of the article is underserved only to have many likes, re-tweets, shares and/or followers. I cannot tell you how often I am disappointed with the garbage passed off as news these days. The truth of the matter is that people really do not have a “right to know” everything. They clearly have the “right to ask” but not to know. People have been given far too many liberties when it comes to other people’s privacy and private matters.

Click-bait

In the matter of this journalist and the Williams Sisters’ Doubles Withdrawal, she is not interested in the facts but merely in sensational possibility that one or both could be injured because that would drive “internet traffic”. This whole idea of “people talking about it” and “she is doing her job to find out” are mere smoke screens. No one was talking but these journalists in their caves. If someone came out and said the sisters are injured, A) the sisters have a right to keep that information private and B) as the sisters are not talking, why not go to the “original source” of the story? She cannot because there is none. See they make up a story and discuss the possibility of it happening. “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story!” Or so they say. However, I would leave this matter here for now.

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Back to the tennis: Granny Vee will play Camila Giorgi of Italy who took out her opponent, Tereza Smitkova 6-1 6-4. Winners of the day include Aga Bratzwanska (6) who is playing fine tennis dropping 1 game against Johanna Larsson 6-0 6-1. Kvitova (4) beat Mona Barthel 6-2 6-4. 2014 finalist, Dominika Cibuttkova took out Tsvetana Pironkova 6-2 6-0 (You know I have zero sympathy for Pironkova in this regard … gurl who knocked Granny Vee out of a major 3 times). Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (25) and Elena Svitolina (26) who will face the Serenanator in the 3rd round both won their 2nd round matches. Another winner is Timea Bacsinszky who has been showing fine form in this earlier part of the year.

Kvitova is quietly making her way up the ladder to a possible 3rd major title

Kvitova is quietly making her way up the ladder to a possible 3rd major title

Both Garbine Muguruza (24) and Lordlize Cornemort (19) two players who knocked Serena out of majors last year, have also won their matches and through to the 3rd round. The American is on a projected collision course with Muguruza in the Round of 16 and Cornemort in the quarters if they all progress that far. Both Muguruza and Cornemort were mucking about in their matches as they were leading and then went on a bit of a mental holiday or perhaps in the case of Cornemort, had to hunt down a horcrux. Muguruza took out Daniela Hantuchova 6-1 1-6 6-0 as Cornemort won in 3 sets.

It was Cornemort's birthday! And who said the Dark Lord has no feelings?

It was Cornemort’s birthday! And who said the Dark Lord has no feelings?

Meanwhile, of particular interest to people who care, several American women not names Serena and/or Venus Williams are through to the 3rd round. Unknown Madison Brengle who had upset No.13 Andrea Petkovic in the 1st round, destroyed another American Irina Falconi 6-1 6-3. The much touted Madison Keys is also through to the 3rd round when she simply dismantled the game of Casey Dellacqua (29) after dropping the opening set. Keys had all the doors to Dellacqua’s game tightly locked up. Dellacqua could not buy a break point even if she had an 80% off special discount for one. Keys won 2-6 6-1 6-1.

Yes I had Dellacqua on lockdown because I got all the Keys

Yes I had Dellacqua on lockdown because I got all the Keys

Another Australian who got her life ended by an American was Sam Stosur (20) no surprise at all. Stosur, the last match of the day got handled by CoCo Vandeweghe 6-4 6-4. Australians who paid for tickets for Rod Laver Night Session went home feeling totally gutted as not only did Stosur lose but Lleyton Hewitt lost in 5 sets after being up 2-0 sets to Benjamin Becker. Aussies were pressed, bothered and deflated!

grhx2

I got caught up in so many different things that I almost forgot to mention the real Match Du Jour: Caro Wozniacki (8) v Vickie, the 2-time Champion here! Well there was a lot of build up to this match with Wozniacki seemingly getting closer to winning a major or so they say and Vickie coming back from injury and a very poor showing in 2014. She is now ranked in the 40’s hence why she is meeting the Danish Biscuit in the 2nd round of a major. Well from the start, Vickie was bossing the ball around the court. She is a great mover and counter puncher and she had that tennis ball going every which way particularly towards the Wozniacki feeble forehand. The Belarusian staked out claim to the baseline and repeatedly pinned Wozniacki in the back of the court to scramble to stay in the points. Vickie broke early and led 3-0 including the double break. Wozniacki was about to get it level at 4-4 but could not consolidate the break giving Vickie the chance to serve it out, which she did 6-4. In the 2nd set, it was more of the same but this time, Vickie was better than she was in the 1st set. Wozniacki realized that she either had the game or the gumption to get the momentum to shift her way. It became all too clear why it is that Vickie has two majors and Caro has none. Vickie took the match 6-4 6-2.

From one Serena pigeon to another, the better pigeon won!

From one Serena pigeon to another, the better pigeon won!

Let us get to the menz: So Djoker Harlequeen (1) took out Russian Andrey Kuznetsov in straight sets. Djoker was already up 6-0 6-1 when he decided to be a bit generous and give Kuznetsov a few games and even a break. However, it did not mean that Djoker was going to let it be Burger King; Kuznetsov was not going to have it his way at all. Djoker moved to the 3rd round 6-0 6-1 6-4. Defending champion Stanley (4) is also through to the 3rd round with a straight sets victory over Marius Copil. Stanley might also be nursing a bit of a wrist injury but we will see how that takes a toll on him this tournament.

What can I say, I was feeling very generous about letting him get a few games in. I am nice like that

What can I say, I was feeling very generous about letting him get a few games in. I am nice like that

As per the norm, several Spaniards are through to the 3rd round of a major: Fake Fire Ferrer (9), FeFe Lopez (12), Tabasco Verdasco (31) and Guillermo Garcia-Lopez all had relatively comfortable victories and will find themselves one step closer to making the 2nd week of a major. In the case of FeFe Lopez, he got lucky more so than comfortable. Frenchman Adrian Mannarino was leading him and even had match point. Lopez was able to force a 4th set to stay alive but Mannarino was in pain. The weather conditions got to him and he retired from the match.

Man down! Man down! Mannarino had fallen and could not get up

Man down! Man down! Mannarino had fallen and could not get up

Other winners include Kei Nishikori (5) was in a fight for his life against Ivan Dodig. I do not know why Kei with his fragile body and limited resources is out there slacking off with a scrub. This is the second match he is basically playing like a Monfils on court. Anyway Dodig looked near serious about the upset win and was putting Horsikori through the paces. Dodig served for the 4th set but got unlucky with the definitely pro-Kei crowd. Kei took it 4-6 7-5 6-2 7-6. I have to say that for me Kei is a special player. There is something magnificent about his game though not his teeth but we are not here for that. It is quite easy to see why he is a likeable character on the tour. He still needs to fix those teeth though.

Is Realz saying nice things about me? Wonders never cease!

Is Realz saying nice things about me? Wonders never cease!

In my mind I imagine he is like Mario of Super Mario Bros. fame. First he starts off looking diminutive then as though he ate that super mushroom, he turns into a giant on the court seemingly everywhere. Finally, there are moments when Kei is on the “Star Power” juice when he is virtually unstoppable and he is creating winners out of nowhere and everything thrown at him, he crushes. He is capable of turning it on in the key moments of big matches. Conversely, like Mario, he is capable of simply languishing about and is quite fragile. Star Power juice is only temporary and the ability to get it is few and far between. The slightest of offensive blows landed on Mario, he is back to being regular Mario or dead. Kei needs to maintain his high level of play and manage his matches far better than he is doing now if he wants to win a major.

new-super-mario-brothers-giant-mario

Anyway, Raonic (8) also won his 2nd round match as did his fellow Canadian Vasek Pospisil aka Popsicle. Their next door neighbour, the Americans, John Isner (19) aka Mountain Troll BFG and Steve Johnson are also through to the 3rd round.

By way of “upsets” Roberto Bautista-Agut (13) lost to Gilles Muller and Santiago Giraldo (30), he lost to the American Johnson. I guess the “biggest shocker” of the day was Gael Monfils (17) aka Beetlejuice being sent packing by Jerzy Janowicz in 5 sets. Like I said, the reason why Monfils does not win major or more to be precise, he does not really factor into the mix is because he wastes so much time on court in the earlier round and then eventually it catches up with him. Janowicz should not have won this match but Monfils donated it to him, 6-4 1-6 6-7 6-3 6-3. I need not mention again how Hewitt was up 6-2 6-1 on Benjamin Becker who is most famous for beating Agassi in his last professional match at the US Open, and got his wig snatched in the next three. Becker won the match 2-6 1-6 6-3 6-4 6-2. Aussies were not having it and nor was Bec. She was mad as hell.

Bec Hewitt

Bec Hewitt

Bec Hewitt

Bec Hewitt

Bec Hewitt

Bec Hewitt

Anyway, that is enough of that.

The Mixed Bag Picture Show

FeFe Lopez is too hot even for himself

FeFe Lopez is too hot even for himself

Raonic is a cutie. He's definitely the guy that you can take home to your mama. #husbandmaterial

Raonic is a cutie. He’s definitely the guy that you can take home to your mama. #husbandmaterial

#flawless is Thanasi Kokkinaskis

#flawless is Thanasi Kokkinaskis

Someone pour water on me because I am about to lose control

Someone pour water on me because I am about to lose control

Gurl don't be pinching my butt in public. You know what that does to me

Gurl don’t be pinching my butt in public. You know what that does to me

Meanwhile, let's take a look at this #foulfashion. She's wearing a lace jacket? WTF

Meanwhile, let’s take a look at this #foulfashion. She’s wearing a lace jacket? WTF

And mint green floral print?

And mint green floral print?

Meanwhile, this guy swore he wore it better and I am inclined to agree with him

Meanwhile, this guy swore he wore it better and I am inclined to agree with him

That time when your BIC highlighter went into the washer with your PE clothes

That time when your BIC highlighter went into the washer with your PE clothes

The reason that racquet is there is for viewer's discretion. Her pants are so short and tight you can see lips!

The reason that racquet is there is for viewer’s discretion. Her pants are so short and tight you can see lips! In fact they are not short shorts but in fact panty briefs

CoCo is giving you the "I just slayed Sam Stosur Stance"

CoCo is giving you the “I just slayed Sam Stosur Stance”

Meanwhile, Vickie is doing only God's knows #fixitjesus

Meanwhile, Vickie is doing only God’s knows #fixitjesus

You get ZERO street creds for this! I mean with the mouth taped shut, you are practically holding a dead crocodile

You get ZERO street creds for this! I mean with the mouth taped shut, you are practically holding a dead crocodile

I am not so sure whether Rod Laver is being fitted for a suit

I am not so sure whether Rod Laver is being fitted for a suit

Or being done up by a mortician. He looks so dead that he could be bored

Or being done up by a mortician. He looks so dead that he could be bored

How Aussie Fans Reacted to Hewitt and Sam’s Loss

The look you get when your players are playing shit

The look they got when Sam and Lleyton started playing shit

You're near losing your voice but have strength for profanity laden sentences

They began losing their voices from chanting but had strength for profanity laden sentences

And it is too late to get back your money and your poor wife is about to get a beating because of it

And they realized it was too late to get their money back and the wife is about to call 999 because the husband is having a silent heart attack

2015 Australian Open: Day 3 The Late Late Late Edition

In Uncategorized on January 24, 2015 at 12:01 am
Thank you Jesus for bringing back Realz. Better late than never.

Thank you Jesus for bringing back Realz. Better late than never.

I am so so so very sorry my fans for coming to you so very late with Day 3’s Report. I have so much on my plate and I swear to you I have also been lacking sleep. The bags under my eyes are carrying more load than the ones the players have on court [Which is still a mystery to mme as to for 1) What the hell is in it? And 2) Why the hell are you bringing a purse to the court? I don’t see NBA players bringing a pocketbook to the court. If the lockers are not that safe to keep your precious stuff, I hardly believe players have their passports on hand there, you can A) Talk to the people in charge about the lack of security and feel free to invoke the standard US police line of “Fear for my Safety” that usually covers a multitude of sins and/or B) This is just me coming up with something off the cuff here and a severe lack of sleep but how about you just leave your stuff at home. Don’t bring your valuables to work.]

There we go with the racquet bag on the right and the mystery pocketbook on the left

There we go with the racquet bag on the right and the mystery pocketbook on the left! What’s in there Divadal? Enquiring minds would like to know

However, it is way too early in this post for me to go off on a tangent and/or digressing especially since I am well late with this edition. So let us get to the results. Today we will start off with the Menz.

Again the men were generally well behaved. No major upsets to speak of or perhaps more so to the point, what I should really say is that we did not lose anyone of major consequence and/or care. However, you know who decided to get themselves square in the limelight? None other than the Grande Dame himself, Divadal. She decided that the “Comeback Narrative” from his fakinjuries was not enough, he had to give us a “comeback in the match heroics vein.” Divadal was playing American Tim Smyczek. Now if you have not heard of him before now, well do not feel bad. Most people have not. In fact, Smyczek mostly makes an appearance at the US Open where he wins a couple of matches or just one and sometimes find himself being one of the “few surviving American male” left in the tournament. He is basically one of those American men trying to find relevance on tour in the absence of Andy Roddick. He then gets sucked into the “Where are the American men?” narrative. Anyway, Smyczek is also VERY EASY ON THE EYES. He can get it. Anywho, let’s get back to the Divadal story.

Tim Smother him with gravy Symczek ... he can definitely get it

Tim Smother him with gravy Symczek … he can definitely get it

So Divadal was leading Smyczek earlier on in the match as was to be expected. He took the 1st set 6-2. However, I guess Divadal decided he needed to take a Mental Holiday or something like that so he just zoned out of the match it seemed. In fact, what I think Divadal did was simply change the narrative surrounding him a bit. See coming into the tournament, there was a lot of “questions” surrounding his fitness for this tournament but after his first round demolition of Youznhy, all questions were answered. Divadal was definitely one of the favourites to win. So Divadal knew he could no longer go into press conferences and say, “Well me no soy favorito. Djoker y Federrerr son the muchos favoritos” So how do you keep that going, you simply get yourself knocked about a bit by a scrub. So Smyczek won the 2nd and 3rd sets.

Smyczek v Divadal turned out to be a "drama filled affair" Who knew?

Smyczek v Divadal turned out to be a “drama filled affair” Who knew?

According to EuroSport commies, “Divadal was sweating so much.” “I have never seen him sweat that much” said Mats Weelander (His real name is Mats Wilander). I really can’t even get into the absurdity of this last bit of madness. Sometimes, people say such ridiculousness that you really cannot engage. So anyway, Divadal was now down 1-2 sets and everyone thought the upset was possible. That is, everyone who is silly. Divadal was not going to lose like that. He has ONLY EVER struggled at Wimbledon in the early rounds. Think about it. When has Divadal not made the 2nd week of a major not named Wimbledon and be in danger of losing to a scrub? This rarely happens. So I know it was not going to happen that night and even if it were to happen, it certainly was not going to be at the hands and racquet of Tim Smyczek. So again no surprises here when Divadal came through and pulled off another “epic win” 6-2 3-6 6-7 6-3 7-5.

Yes tennis gods my plan has worked. I am now back in the Sympathy Corner

Yes tennis gods my plan has worked. I am now back in the Sympathy Corner

Yeah Timmy, I am immune to scrubs except in London

Yeah Timmy, I am immune to scrubs except in London

Dear Fanz,

*Please note that I have contacted the Oxford English authorities about issuing a “Cease and Desist Order” as well as an Injunction against tennis commentators, journalists, fans and fanatics alike for the extra-grammatical and wonton abuse of the words, “epic, greatest, best, era, illness and injury.” Things have got grossly out of hand now and it is time that order is restored to the English Language. Far too many crimes and atrocities have been committed in the name of journalism and “fair and balance reporting.” Therefore egregious statements such as “Nadal played an epic match v Djokovic” or “This is the Djokovic-era” will be a thing of the past.

 

gr2xn

I have also asked them to within this injunction state explicitly that any use of those words without proper documented and corroborating evidence for the sentence and or sentences they are found within, will result in public shaming and a hefty fine. All offenders will have to take mandatory English classes even if he/she is a native speaker. In fact any native speaker found in violation of this injunction WILL BE given the status of “English as a Second Language” and have to take remedial classes as basic vocabulary is seriously an issue for them. Please note that Special Dispensation has been given to RealzTenisFanz for its strident effort in maintaining the integrity of the language. 

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You said Realz! AMEN and AMENNNN!!!

gr2m2

 

Anyway, let’s get back to the tennis. So Mr. Federer (2) decided that he wanted to give some random scrub, Simone Bolelli, some undeserved confidence. Bolelli came out in the 1st set like a tigershark. He was pounding Mr. Federer with that forehand. I mean Bolelli was near not missing a single one and Mr. Federer was looking his age. Mr. Federer dropped the 1st set 3-6 and was left to lick his wound; quite literally as he was stung by a bee on his finger or something along those lines. He got that treated after dropping the set. As for Bolelli, well as is often the case with these scrubs, they blow their wad early and usually end up showing themselves to be a “one-trick pony”. Whenever the other player figures out how to deal with that trick, they are left with nothing else to show and they get dismissed. That’s exactly what happened. Mr. Federer dismissed him 3-6 6-3 6-2 6-2 in vintage style.

Mr. Federer had to get his life together! He was a mess in that 1st set

Mr. Federer had to get his life together! He was a mess in that 1st set

Who looked to be in good form was Lochness Murray (6). He took out Marinko Matosevic of Australia in straights 6-1 6-3 6-2 as did Bershite (7) over qualifier Jurgen Melzer. Dimitrov (10), the Bulgarian handbag, also came through to the 3rd round but he did it in 4 sets. Kevin Anderson (14) and Richard Gasquet (24) also won and moved through to the next round. Meanwhile, the Australians were besides themselves as they had two of their own facing each other; Super Sexy Sam Groth and the Twink Thanasi Kokkinakis. I was cheering myself but for entirely different reasons 😉 It was a tough contest but in the end, experience won out as Gorgeous Groth took it in 5 sets 3-6 6-3 7-5 3-6 6-1. Groth will play another compatriot in the form of Bernard Tampomic in the 3rd round. No doubt who I would be backing in that match! 

Gorgeous  Groth

Gorgeous Groth

And speaking of the douche Tampomic, he sorta led an interesting turn of event in this half of the draw that saw several of the lower end seeds (Seeded Scrubs I like to call them) all being tossed out in 4 sets. Tampomic took out Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) and his countryman, Nick Krispy Kringle beat Ivo Karlovic (23) also in 4 sets as did Andreas Seppi who took out Jeremy Chardy (29). Marcos Baghdatis, 2006 finalist here in Melbourne, took care of David Goffin (20) who was severely hampered by the hot and humid conditions. Dudi Sela won over Lukas Rosol (28) and Viktor Troiki is back in the mix when he got rid of Leonardo Mayer (26). The only seeded player who did not lose in 4 sets was Martin Klizan (32). He himself went out in the 2nd round but he did so by way of retiring from his match.

Who are these guys you people of Realz? I have never heard of them

Who are these guys you people of Realz? I have never heard of them

On the womenz side, well the big story was again a “near defeat” of the No. 2 seed. However, in this case, it was a very very near defeat as Martha Shriekapova had to save 3 match points against her countrywoman Alexandra Panova. Panova got dragged in the 1st set losing it 1-6 but in the next two, she was crushing Martha’s basic game. Panova led 5-1 in the 2nd set but got shaky but was still able to close it out 6-4 to force a 3rd set. Martha was in deep trouble and she knew it too BUT we all know Martha competes VERY WELL! If she was going to lose a match to some extra or WTA Wench (my new catch phrase) on tour, she was going to make that extra/wench WIN IT. Martha does not donate free matches! You want that W next to your name against her, gurl you best get your life together because Martha is NEVER GONNA GIVE UP unless your name is Serena Williams.

Martha was getting dragged like a ragged doll out there

Martha was getting dragged like a ragged doll out there

Panova had break points to go up 5-1 in the 3rd set but I think she forgot who she was playing. Martha held serve for 2-4 and then steadily worked her way back into the match with confidence and panache as though it were she in the driver’s seat. Panova took her foot off the accelerator and paid dearly for it. Martha got her shite together and took the match 6-1 4-6 7-5. She is through to the 3rd round, something she did not do last year. 

That's right, I just checked another wench trying to come for my wig at a major

That’s right, I just checked another wench trying to come for my wig at a major

I did not come this but it's hilarious nonetheless (SOURCH: https://40.media.tumblr.com/d67bba0dc8dd38702365ff661244000f/tumblr_nimhrvyZHp1tjtko9o1_1280.jpg)

I did not come up with this but it’s hilarious nonetheless (SOURCE: https://40.media.tumblr.com/d67bba0dc8dd38702365ff661244000f/tumblr_nimhrvyZHp1tjtko9o1_1280.jpg)

The other seeded players got through in relative ease. Bouchard (7) won in straight sets as did Simona Halep (3), Ekaterina Makarova (10) and Sara Errani (14), they all moved through to the 3rd round here in Melbourne looking to make that final push to get into the 2nd week of the major. They have all made it to the semis or better at all major but none of them have come close to winning one.

Simona Halep, Mrs. Koolaide

Simona Halep, Mrs. Koolaide

Meanwhile, the “upset queens” from Day 1 of Aussie Open did rather well in the 2nd round. They all came through with the exception of one. Lucie Hradecka who took out Ivanovic the Terrible in Round 1 won as did Julia Goerges, Caroline Garcia, Yaroslava Shvedova, Yanina Wickmayer, Irina-Carmila Begu and Carina Wittoeft. The one who lost was Kristina Mladenovic. Anyway, this will sure make for interesting things come the 2nd week of the major as several of these women will inevitably end up getting to the Round of 16 or better. As always, the Australian Open gives us a lot of Scrubs and Extras forcing their way from the backdrop into the forefront of the main stage. I cannot blame them. The money in Melbourne is really sweet and I for one will be fighting my hardest to get to the next round for a bigger pay day. No passive play from me if I were out there because 2nd round money is always more than 1st round and 3rd round is more than them combined.

Realz again, I don't know any of these people that you are talking about. Are you sure these women are real?

Realz again, I don’t know any of these people that you are talking about. Are you sure these women are real?

Anyway enough about all of that. Since we are so behind, let me get on with this and go bang out the other days! PLEASE DON’T FORGET TO COMMENT. I NEED THE SUPPORT 

#TeamHotties

Alexandra Panova may have lost but she is definitely a hottie in our book

Alexandra Panova may have lost but she is definitely a hottie in our book

Polona Hercog is hot and she got the tats to prove it!

Polona Hercog is hot and she got the tats to prove it!

I usually am pounding Carla saying how she needs to get it together BUT she gets an A+++ from me today. She's WERQING it in red, white and blue! Meanwhile, Garbine is looking like throw up fashioned into curtain material and then made into whatever horrible outfit she thinks looks good

I usually am pounding Carla saying how she needs to get it together BUT she gets an A+++ from me today. She’s WERQING it in red, white and blue! Meanwhile, Garbine is looking like throw up fashioned into curtain material and then made into whatever horrible outfit she thinks looks good

#TeamTooCute

I mean there is the potential for something awful to happen to this clearly unattended baby but what an adorable baby it is

I mean there is the potential for something awful to happen to this clearly unattended baby but what an adorable baby it is

#TeamTooSexy

Gorgeous Groth

Gorgeous Groth

Sexy Sam

Sexy Sam

HOTNESS DELICIOUSLY SQUARED

HOTNESS DELICIOUSLY SQUARED

We look so HOT together that I wanna clone myself so I can watch a threesome with us and Realz

We look so HOT together that I wanna clone myself so I can watch a threesome with us and Realz

Sweet Jojoba, you can take me just so long as you let me watch that action

Sweet Jojoba, you can take me just so long as you let me watch that action

Someone hose it down! It's getting too hot in here!

Someone hose it down! It’s getting too hot in here!

No bitch you can't have my number

No bitch you can’t have my number

But you have definitely have my sweaty dirty towel

But you have definitely have my sweaty dirty towel

#TeamNotties

She is really serious about making that face drawing so much attention to that fivehead? (Please note the Realz method of determining whether you have a forehead or a fivehead, if you place 4 fingers up to your forehead and there is still space between your hairline and your fingers, you got a FIVEHEAD! Ain't no shame about it, it is what it is!

She is really serious about making that face drawing so much attention to that fivehead? (Please note the Realz method of determining whether you have a forehead or a fivehead, if you place 4 fingers up to your forehead and there is still space between your hairline and your fingers, you got a FIVEHEAD! Ain’t no shame about it, it is what it is!

#icant even with this face looking like Mask

#icant even with this face looking like Mask

Need I say more ...

Need I say more …

Is Divadal hair?

From this angle

From this angle

And this way ...

And this way …

In motion ...

In motion …

Let's see what is happening on this side

Let’s see what is happening on this side

Rafael Nadal

I am seeing more sweat than hair

 

Up close

Up close

From the other side up close

From the other side up close

ARGHHH I am losing my hair!!! Help me please ROGAINE

ARGHHH I am losing my hair!!! Help me please ROGAINE

Even from space we can see this bald spot

Even from outer space we can see this bald spot

I gonna dry my hair gingerly or else I might lose the few strands that I have

Gurl I have to dry my hair gingerly or else I might lose the few strands that I have to this towel

Body Conscious

Lochness Murray has a lil treasure trail for you to follow

Lochness Murray has a lil treasure trail for you to follow

Grigor is giving you a lil hint

Grigor is giving you a lil hint

Divadal giving you a lil peep show

Divadal giving you a lil peep show

And then he's showing you the full 8 pack

And then he’s showing you the full 8 pack

Matosevic is offering a sneak preview

Matosevic is offering a sneak preview

Gasquet giving you that farmer's tan look

Gasquet giving you that farmer’s tan look

This man is giving you a full show

This man is giving you a full show

They are definitely perfect but I don't think we have the same ideas about what they're perfect for!

They are definitely perfect but I don’t think we have the same ideas about what they’re perfect for!

Mixed Bag Photos

I had to beat you, I couldn't stand to have that ugly outfit running around these parts ... I'll have my Nike peoples call your peoples to hook you up with something better

I had to beat you, I couldn’t stand to have that ugly outfit running around these parts … I’ll have my Nike peoples call your peoples to hook you up with something better

Just a lil constructive criticism here Bec Hewitt, your children's crayons and markers are not meant to be used as lipstick. Furthermore, that colour does not match your skin tone

Just a lil constructive criticism here Bec Hewitt, your children’s crayons and markers are not meant to be used as lipstick. Furthermore, that colour does not match your skin tone

So the Asshat is back at the tournament

So the Asshat is back at the tournament

What are you looking for? My breasts.

What are you looking for? Your breasts.

 

Why does my hand smell like balls?

Why does my hand smell like balls?

What do you mean why did I sign Jerzy Janowicz? That's my name. ... Wait what? You thought I was Herman Munster?

What do you mean why did I sign Jerzy Janowicz? That’s my name. … Wait what? You thought I was Herman Munster?

Yeah you look like him.

Yeah you look like him.

That Awkward Moment When

When you and your good girlfriend wore the same outfit to the same event and she wore it better.

When you and your good girlfriend wore the same outfit to the same event and she wore it better.

When the doctor says he wants to weigh your balls but he's doing it by feel

When the doctor says he wants to weigh your balls but he’s doing it by feel

When you realize you're the meat in an ugly man sandwich

When you realize you’re the meat in an ugly man sandwich

You realize the old hag in the middle thinks she's cute and you have to check her

You realize the old hag in the middle thinks she’s cute and you have to check her

Your dyslexia is on full display for the world to see

Your dyslexia is on full display for the world to see

You gay best friend set you up saying he'll do your makeup for free

Your gay best friend set you up saying he’ll do your makeup for free so all the boys would come your way

When too much twerking got your hips messed up

When too much twerking got your hips messed up

But the music so good that you have to be a basic thot and twerk on the floor

But the music so good that you have to be a basic thot and twerk on the dance floor