Archive for the ‘Vera Zvonareva’ Category

Wimbledon 2014: Day 5

In Agnes Radwanska, Alexander Dolgopolov, Andy Murray, Angelique Kerber, Caroline Wozniacki, Ekaterina Makarova, Feliciano Lopez, Gilles Simon, Grigor Dimitrov, Jerzy Janowicz, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Li Na, Lleyton Hewitt, Marin Cilic, Milos Raonic, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Roger Federer, Stanislas Wawrinka, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Wimbledon on June 30, 2014 at 11:53 am
My gurl is gone!

My gurl is gone!

So RealzTenisFanz is late yet again. Oh my what a weekend! What a weekend. Realz is depressed! Wimbledon is giving me fever; typhoid and scarlet fever! I can’t; I just cannot deal with these results. I do not even have time for chit-chat about anything else but my gurl Ebony Starr lost. Oh fanz, you do not know how much I am emotionally connected to this gurl. Oh my the lost wrecked me for the weekend. Granny Vee (30) played Petra Kvitova (6) aka  Grand High Witch aka GHW. They played perhaps one of the best matches all year and my gurl last, 7-5 6-7 5-7. “[T]oday I did the best I could. I think she played well at every single moment. There weren’t a lot of opportunities for either one of us. She played well. I gave it my all. Sometimes it’s not enough … “Yeah, it’s a shame there had to be a loser in this match and more of a shame that it had to be me. But all I can say is that it’s great to see women’s tennis on such a high level.” Well I am glad that Granny Vee feels this way because I sure ain’t feeling all this. I was down; realz down. I really wanted Ebony Starr to do well here. I am happy that she did not lose badly but nevertheless, she lost.

It was rough gurl real rough

It was rough gurl real rough

GHW working some magic on my gurl at the end breaking her in the 12th game

GHW working some magic on my gurl at the end breaking her in the 12th game

Realz still love you Granny Vee! Just get it together for the summer. We expecting titles this summer like back in 2000 and 2001

Realz still love you Granny Vee! Just get it together for the summer. We expecting titles this summer like back in 2000 and 2001

Something doesn't smell right here ... oh yeah it's my game. It stinks to high heaven

Something doesn’t smell right here … oh yeah it’s my game. It stinks to high heaven

And in other upsetting news, LiNaLi (2) lost yet again to a lower ranked player Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova 7-6 7-6. This was such a ridiculous match. I mean Li took the early lead and then totally collapsed. She was raining errors all over the place. I mean when she missed, she was missing badly. It was like she wanted to lose. Both she and Granny Vee had excellent draws and could have made something of it. However they are both gone now and fanz just have to bemoan their losses.

Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova

Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova

Meanwhile, do you know who is still in the draw? Bratzwanska (4), Mrs. Koolaide aka Simona Halep (3), Lady Gollum (23), Makarova (22) and even Danish Biscuit (16). They all won their matches and moved through to the next round. Wait, because of rain, Danish Biscuit, Mrs. Koolaide and up and coming Belinda Bencic who beat Victoria Duval from the US, all played their 2nd round matches on Friday. The other winners include Shuai Peng who beat another American Lauren Davis and another Czech Tereza Smitkova. That makes 4 Czech women in the Round of 16 more so than any other country. Even more so than the US who currently is batting ZERO. Their last hope is Madison Keys who is currently in battle with Yaroslava Shvedova. Keys already dropped the first set and they are locked in a tiebreaker in the 2nd set. Play was suspended due to poor lighting. Meanwhile, I have to say that both Danish Biscuit and Bratzwanska are dropping bagels and breadsticks sets on their opponents like opponents like they are daughters of Betty Crocker and the Pillsbury Dough Man. Those girls have been ruthless thus far.

Realz you trying to act as though it our fault that your peoples suck adn we don't . No I am just saying that I don't like you folks especially when my peeps not around... kidding gurl.. you look like you about to have a coronary. Take a joke

Realz you trying to act as though it our fault that your peoples suck adn we don’t . No Makarova, I am just saying that I don’t like you folks especially when my peeps not around… kidding gurl.. you look like you about to have a coronary. Take a joke! That vein about to pop

On the men’s side, well Djoker Harlequeen has made getting to the 2nd week of Wimbledon look like hard work. Gurl has been messy. I mean she has won relatively routinely but she is giving a lot of these scrubs looks at breaking him. A lot of them even thinking that they can even get the upset; this is not cute. I mean seriously, he is the only one capable of dealing with Divadal and lord knows he made a mess of it. I mean he has been rolling through and getting the wins but still, gurl needs to look a lot sharper if he intends to win his 2nd Wimbledon. He took out Gilles Simon 6-4 6-2 6-4.

He almost damaged his shoulder. But he's okay

He almost damaged his shoulder. But he’s okay

Meanwhile, you know how is looking in great shape? Lochness Monster (3)! He is just dragging these boys out here lately. He got out Roberto Bautista-Agut (27) 6-2 6-3 6-2. Nevertheless, this is all good and cute but Bautista-Agut is not the Spaniard he needs to be beating like this … You get what I am saying? I mean seriously, everyone be trying to drag the Spanish boys except the one Spaniard at the top.

Thanks for showing up at my party. A gift bag is at the door on your way out

Thanks for showing up at my party. A gift bag is at the door on your way out

Anyways, Maria’s clutch Dimitrov (11) came back from being down 1-2 sets and knocked out BWLLAGWLLAB (Boy Who Looks Like A Girl Who Looks Like A Boy) Dolgopolov (21). BWLLAGWLLAB was up but he decided to let the match go and totally capitulated in the 5th set 6-7 6-4 2-6 6-4 6-1. Anyway, Dimitrov is supposedly the “dark horse” in this competition. Yeah okay! I mean I seriously doubt one of these scrubs is going to pull a “Stan” at Wimbledon. Other winners include Baby Ali (14) and Chin Cilic (26) who beat Berdshite (6) in straight sets. Chin Cilic played an excellent match. I swear Berdshite is bird brain. He is so passive in big matches. Meanwhile, Sergiy Stakhovsky who beat Gulbis in the 2nd round, well he did the same nonsense by losing in the next round in the 4 sets to Jeremy Chardy. Mr. Pignini (16) aka Fognini is gone as Kevin Anderson (20) took him to the slaughter house.

I thought I was playing on the ATP

I thought I was playing on the ATP

Gurl what you saying about me?

Gurl what you saying about me?

There were several 2nd round matches that had to be completed. Marcel Granollers (30) lost to Santiago Giraldo who for his winning efforts will play Mr. Federer in the 3rd round. Leonardo Mayers beat Andrey Kuznetsov in straight sets. Meanwhile, Jerzy Janowicz (15) took out Hewitt in 5 sets.

Divadal this is how to work an injury on court ... First you fall

Divadal this is how to work an injury on court … First you fall

Then you are in real pain

Then you are in real pain

Where does it hurt? Right now, my nose. Your breath stinks

Where does it hurt? Right now, my nose. Your breath stinks

Definitely abs day at the gym!!

Definitely abs day at the gym!!

Definitely working on my abs

Definitely working on my abs

Hush my baby. It's okay sweetie. It is only one loss, I will make you feel better tonight

Hush my baby. It’s okay sweetie. It is only one loss, I will make you feel better tonight


First up in the air

First up in the air

Try for the splits but if you can't try a wolf jump type (gymnastic move)

Try for the splits but if you can’t try a wolf jump type (gymnastic move)

Then one hand in the air

Then one hand in the air

The the other

The the other

Then you shake that thing that your mama gave you

Then you shake that thing that your mama gave you

The best I have seen Caro aka Danish Biscuit look in like forever

The best I have seen Caro aka Danish Biscuit look in like forever

I think my moobs are bigger than her boobs

I think my moobs are bigger than her boobs


US Open 2013: Day 11

In Andy Murray, Mikhail Youzhny, Novak Djokovic, Roberta Vinci, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Stanislas Wawrinka, US Open, Vera Zvonareva on September 6, 2013 at 11:22 am

We are heading into the final weekend of the US Open 2013 and things are coming down to the wire. The semifinals have been set for both the men’s and women’s draws. On day 11, we have the final two men’s quarterfinals being contested.

Stan the MAN

Stan the MAN

First up was Stanislas Wawrinka v Lochness Monster… I mean Andy Murray. Before, I go any further, one of the Realz Fanz chided about the fact that Realz is not being his usual hateriffic self. Now, you know I am a hater and it does not take much to get a hater rolling. However, I had a talk with someone in blogosphere/publication/writing arena and they…I mean he, mentioned that if I wish to take this (writing about tennis or anything for that matter) further, I might have to tone down the “hate.” See saying things like Divadal is an undercover brother and Maria Shriekapova is clearly a beard with Grigor Dimitrov are kinda libelous. Well not kinda, but very! I pointed out that ReazTenisFanz is all about wit/humour/sarcasm/satire. However, what he said  I guess has sort of resonated with me because I would sure love to be working in tennis and making great money from it. Nonetheless, this is RealzTenisFanz and we do things unorthodox. We are like Tina Turner; we like it ROUGH.

Yes motherfcuker you're a hater indeed!!!

Yes motherfcuker you’re a hater indeed!!!

It is not that I have been less hateful, I have kinda mature and trying to do something different. Also it might be that since most of these recent postings were written together, it sorta made things run into one and another. Truth be told, there is not a lot going on in the tennis world. Particularly on the men’s side, it is a rather barren wasteland. It might be that I am not trolling the internet for the juicy tidbits lurking about. Regardless, there is only so many times one can keep on saying that Carlo Suarez-Navarro needs an extreme extreme makeover and that Petra Kvitova is really a Petra Bellied Pig. Women might get upset and call me sexist even more so since most of the hotties on here are men. Another thing I have noticed is that when I use Monikers for players, the new fanz are not entirely sure who I am speaking of. I think it might help if I get more feedback but for the most parts, I generally do not get much feedback one way or the other. AGAIN I BEG FOR FEEDBACK.


OMG What is he doing here??


I told you NEVER in public! Only back at the hotel… Keep it moving

Anyway to the tennis. Murray v Wawrinka: So this was a good matchup I think and if I am not mistaken Murray has an edge in the head to head. As of late, Murray has become a legitimate major contender. He has two majors including the most recent Wimbledon crown. However, he had a HORRIBLE summer post London. He did not far in any of his tournaments but he came to New York looking ready to forget the summer and defend his US Open crown. Interestingly enough, before the match in press interviews, Murray mentioned the he felt that Stan was ready for an upset and to make some serious noise here at these championships. I do not think that Stan needed Murray to tell him that because so far at these championships, Stan has been resilient. In this match he was even more so. Things were even on serve with the Swiss serving 1st thus was ahead 5-4 with Murray serving to stay in the set. Wawrinka had a break point but lost it. He gained another and then lost it again. Murray got game point and lost it too. This back and forth went on when finally Wawrinka stepped up and took his 6th chance at breaking Murray and the 1st set 6-4.

No this is not happening...

No this is not happening…

WTF I can't get any break point chances

WTF I can’t get any break point chances

One would have expected Lochness Monster to come firing back and even for Wawrinka to let up in his intensity but neither happened. Wawrinka learned a crucial lesson… well more so applied a crucial tactic against top players; When you have them on the ropes, you keep them there. You do not hold back. Instead of Wawrinka becoming sloppier as the match went on, he became more consistent and even tidier. He was making less errors and applying more and more pressure on the Englishman… well I guess it is Scotsman since he is losing this match. As a matter of fact, Murray had ZERO BREAK POINT CHANCES. NADA NONE…NILCH…. ZERO. Wawrinka took the match in straight sets 6-4 6-3 6-2. It was an impressive performance. Even Judy Murray, Nessie’s mom tweeted of how impressed she was of the performance. Of course on court, Murray was cursing and being as belligerent as ever. He even broke his racquet but of course, the press and the rest of the world let that go. Nothing to talk about. Had it been the Serenanator, the it would have been Headline News.

Back to your underwater cave

Back to your underwater cave

He is almost indestructible at times

He is almost indestructible at times

Anyway Wawrinka will face Djoker no less as the Serb took out Russian Mikhail Youzhny in 4 sets. It was a very good contest again. Men’s matches can be of great quality unless you have a combination of Djoker/Nadal/Murray playing. Then it is some long protracted affairs that go on forever and have idiots talking about how it is was an epic match and the greatest ever. Anyway, Djoker proved to be far superior than his opponent. Youzhny tried everything but Djoker was just too strong and agile. Djoker has the first 2 sets 6-3 6-2. However, he got sloppy in the 3rd set and Youzhny began to show himself to be worthy of this contest and it was now 2-1 sets. Youzhny had the 3rd set 6-3. Djoker was mad and Djoker became the Djuggernaut as Youzhny did not win another game for the match. He got served up a NYC bagel indeed.

Mrs. Youzhny... I can't watch this mess anymore

Mrs. Youzhny… I can’t watch this mess anymore

So for the men’s semis this Saturday. It’s Djoker v Wawrinka and Divadal v Gasquet.

N. Djokovic
6 3 6
M. Youzhny
3 2 6 0
A. Murray
3 2
S. Wawrinka
6 6 6  
Much to my chagrin, they get to move on to the final Paes/Stepanek

Much to my chagrin, they get to move on to the final Paes/Stepanek

The brothers were very sloppy in the 2nd and 3rd sets.. Didn't know where to go

The brothers were very sloppy in the 2nd and 3rd sets.. Didn’t know where to go

In other news, the Bryan Brothers; Bob and Mike Bryan, lost their bid for a Doubles Grand Slam when they lost in three sets in the semi-finals to the team of Leander Paes and Radek Stepanek. It was an unfortunate lost especially since I despise Stepanek and his horrid shirt but also because the Bryans were looking to cap off a very dominant season in doubles. They won nearly everything in sight including the Aussie, French and Wimbledon crowns; not to mention that they struck gold in London last year. However, if they would have to wait unless next year to begin the task of getting the Grand Slam title!

The sisters are doing it for themselves

The sisters are doing it for themselves

You and your big mouth Roberta... Look who is talking BIG HEAD

You and your big mouth Roberta… Look who is talking BIG HEAD

The Williams Sisters are still in the doubles mix as they took out the No1 ranked team of Roberta Vinci and Sara Errani. Apparently Vinci was all about how they will attack Venus as she was clearly the weak one. That did not work however as the Americans took out the Italians 6-4 6-1 if I am not mistaken. The Americans also avenged their loss to the Italians earlier this year in Australia. The team will play the semifinals after Serenanator’s singles semifinals match against LiNaLi.  I hope the Serenanator can win both those matches comfortably. So I guess I am all caught up to speed now.

Wimbledon 2012: The epic 4th Day

In Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Angelique Kerber, Christina McHale, David Ferrer, David Goffin, Fernando Verdasco, Francesca Schiavone, Grigor Dimitrov, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kei Nishikori, Kim Clijsters, Klara Zakopolova, Lukas Rosol, Marcos Baghdatis, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Milos Raonic, Nadia Petrova, Nicolas Almagro, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Tennis, Tsvetana Pironkova, Varvara Lepchenko, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka, Wimbledon on June 29, 2012 at 8:50 am

Gurl, Centre Court was on fire! I was having volcano flashes up in there

Had they told me before the match begun, I would have called them a liar, a fool and a down right tennis dunce. However, like we always say here at RealzTenisFanz, the game is won and lost on the field and not on paper. That Lukas Rosol had even a sliver of a chance to beat Lord Clay Divadal (I think I rather call him Lord Clay Divadal instead of Lord Dirt Divadal) was improbable if not impossible. Nonetheless, anyone who bet on Rosol yesterday, though initially seen as a mad man, he left the evening a very rich man. This was the 2nd round of Wimbledon and Divadal is not going to be in the 3rd round as Lukas Rosol simply dismantled him on the court 6-7 6-4 6-4 2-6 6-4. Yes it was 5 sets but nothing about that match was a contest for Divadal. Rosol had a game plan and he executed it to perfection. This is monumental, this was an epic match and instantly will become a classic for the ages. Hard to imagine that one of the top 4 and even more surprising, the top 2 will not be in the 2nd week of a major. Rosol, ranked 100th, came onto Centre Court to face a tennis god but showed that he was a titan. His nerves were steely, his forehand rock solid and that serve, it was simply a precious gem. Divadal had never been treated with such disrespect in his life. At no point in the match did it occur to Rosol to lay down and die as so many men on tour are apt to do when facing one of the Fourhorse Men of Apocalypse. To be fair though, the top 4 are really that good.

This is not happening right now! When I count to 3, I am going to disappear!

In the 1st set, Divadal broke early to go up 3-2 but Rosol broke back immediately and perhaps then, we knew the Czech meant business. They held serve to go into a tiebreaker, which in and of itself was epic but Divadal was able to close it out 11-9 and bag the 1st set. One felt like this was going to turn into another Thomaz Bellucci match where the player has a good start but cannot sustain the momentum and then gets whitewashed.

In your face mofo!!

However, Rosol broke Divadal at love in the very first game back as Divadal double faulted on break point. Rosol would hold serve for the rest of the set NEVER facing break point taking it 6-4. What is remarkable is the fact that he did a similar thing in the 3rd set; break early and hold serve  to close out the set 6-4. Divadal never had a break point…I doubt he even got any games to deuce. Fans at home watching or following on twitter or even following on RealzTenisFanz facebook page were at a standstill. I mean the Lochness Monster vs Ivo the Giant provided a lot of tension and drama already added to that that there were several other men’s matches that were proving to be watch worthy because NO ONE imagined that Rosol could really pull this off. Beat Lord Clay Divadal, 2 time Wimbledon champ in the 2nd round? NEVER. Divadal was mad, she was angry, she damn near had a BF (bitch fit) on court. Who the fcuk do you think you are Rosol? She rolled on the ground, she complained to the chair umpire that Rosol was being noisy and making distracting movements.

She was a hot mess out there. Divadal you flexible! Gurl, we do not carry on like this on Centre Court. Look at that face….you know them legs be up like antennas when Mrs. Monadal comes around!

There is a pain, in my brain…why won’t it rain because I am going down the drain

She gritted and grunted…she even bumped into Rosol a la Irina Spirlea at the 97 US Open versus our own Russ Troll Venus Williams and we all know how that ended. Ebony Starr crushed that skank and moved on to her 1st US Open final. Divadal was losing dirty. No bueno for a Lady of your standing Divadal. No muy bueno. Nevertheless, in the end, Divadal was down 2-1 sets and she had to get it to a 5 setters in order to move on. I think what was even more disastrous in her mind was the fact that she almost lost in straight sets. But Divadal is a Dragon and is not easily slayed.

I’m sorry…Bitch!
Spanish Skank!

In the 4th set, Divadal was on fire. Snapped popped and crackled her way to break Rosol 2 times, something he had not done since the 1st set. She had the 4th 6-2 and they play in the 5th. And then, the organizers decided to close the roof and put the Diva in a box. Oh no…no no no no no….. the diva got mad but she dared not get bad because men are walking a very thin line right about now because of silly Nalbandian’s crazy behaviour couple of weeks ago. She had to simmer and stew out there as there was a near half an hour delay to close the roof and get the AC on…you know how Europeans are kinda anti anti-perspirant. I jest! I jest! Anyway, it would have been hotter than a mofo up in there so they had to get the air on. Divadal was not liking that. Anyway, they got things on the way again. I sat with bated breath because I thought for sure, the Divadal Dragon was going to take the nuclear option and just blaze his way through to the end.

Divadal the Dragon rose up

However, it was not to be. Rosol went back to the original scripts of the 2nd and 3rd set; break Divadal early and hold serve. And that he did. In the very 1st game, Divadal was broke and she was fuming. She had committed no errors in the 4th and now things were back where they were early in the match; Rosol was dictating play. Divadal got things to 4-5 and one though…NO WAY that Rosol can close this one out… the Choker express will soon be boarding and Rosol will be chief engineer but at 5-4! Rosol got things underway with a BOMB of an Ace in Divadal’s face. 15-0. He missed his 1st serve but found his 2nd serve and went with a ferocious forehand to go 30-0. The crowd was out of control and commentators were at a lost to find words to describe this moment. It was near pandemonium when Rosol aced Divadal again and was at 40-0; triple match point! Then Rosol ACED Divadal for the 22nd time and take the match. All hell broke loose! This was good… this was very very good.

This is not happening!

i am FABULOUS bitches!!!

Take your handbag and get outta here! A Diva Dejected

Now understand I am not excited because Divadal lost and I am not his greatest fan. I am happy because it broke up the monotony of the same players coming into the semifinals. It may be that one of the other three might win this thing but at least, the chances of the other players winning a major has increased. Adios Divadal. Now you can go back home and watch Spain take on Italy in Euro final. Also you have a 2nd chance as the Olympics are coming to Wimbledon in three weeks’ time. You will be all right. Humble pie can be delicious with a nice cup of calming tea and you would be all right.

Lochness Monster clawed his way into the 3rd

Anyway, this is not even the only match that was played. Things are very hot and heated right now between Ivo the Giant aka Ivo Karlovic of Croatia and Wimbledon. He played their favoured son Lochness Monster and got called for 11 double faults. Now, Ivo is a serving monster. This mofo can serve for his motherfcuking life. He pays his rent with the number of aces he get per match/per tournament. Now, Ivo claims that whenever he held the advantage, they would call a foot fault and many, the calls were very suspect. Ivo lost 5-7 7-6 2-6 6-7 and Lochness Monster moves on and is heavily favoured to make it to the finals since Divadal got bounced out of the tournament. Now, I want to say this and I have been saying this since US Open 2009. The tennis organizers need to have cameras on court so that players can challenge foot faults. It is ridiculous to think that you can have the balls being questioned and not whether your foot crossed the line. The umpire is hardly looking at their feet and once that foot fault call has been made, the players are screwed. It cannot be challenged and you are at a disadvantage.

WTF?? WTMFF?? Do I need to bring my club to these matches

When the Serenanator when into her court rage at the linesjudge, she was right. She did not foot fault and what is even worse, the linesjudge did not lose their job. In FIFA (football or soccer head body) if the officials are fcuking up, they are sent home. No questions asked. It is high time tennis gets it act together. The same chair umpires are circulating and they have been many many many egregious officiating and nothing is done about the matter. People ignore them and claim that the bad calls even out throughout the match…BULLSHIT in the highest degree. The game should be played fairly and squarely. You win what you earned. The winner is decided by a point…the match point and tennis is a high mental sport. Bad calls change the players’ attitude on court. They feel slightest and stop relying on muscle memory to focus on every aspect of their game which often times, severely throw them off their original game play. ITF/WTA/ATP, cameras for freaking cheap. Stop this shite show. Get the challenge system on every court that is being used for the tournament and also get challenge system for foot fault. STOP with this guidelines bullshit and get actual rules including for time violations.

Prince Ali, fabulous he…

All for you babe

Anyway, other winners include Jo-Willi Tsonga aka Baby Ali who had to get it done in 4 sets as did Del Potro who apparently took a mental stroll in the 3rd set but closed it out against Go Soeda of Japan. Fiery Ferrer also won his match as did Kei Nishikori, American Brian Baker who is showing himself to be a reliable American male player, Frodo Goffin, Mardy former Whale Fish who dropped the ball big time in the 4th set but was able to pull it out in the 5th against British hopeful James Ward 6-3. Malisse did the world a favour by knocking out Gilles Simon in straight sets 6-4 6-4 7-6. Simon has made himself a target with his recent comments about men should be paid higher than women. I have an interesting take on this subject but right now, I cannot discuss as I am way behind again. Tabasco Verdasco is finding success here on grass unlike his recent clay court season. He moves onto the 3rd round as is Marin Cilic, Philipp Kohlschreiber who will play Rosol in the 3rd round and Alejandro Fall who again played another 5th set to move to the 3rd round. American Andy Roddick aka Mr. Brooklyn Decker 3 time Wimbledon finalist (2004-2005, 2009) also won in straight sets. He is a very dangerous floater. This might be his last Wimbledon in case you did not know and he would love to go out with a Wimbledon trophy. Unfortunately, my boo Delicitrov pulled out yet again of a tournament giving former Wimbledon semifinalist in 2006 if I am not mistaken, Fatdatis a chance to equal that performance.

You poor sweet thing… I will give you a rub down and you’ll be happy in the end

Undoubtedly, the ladies could not provide anywhere near this sort of excitement that the men produced. Shriekapova who had to finish up her 2nd round match, dropped the 2nd set 6-7 and you thought that Pironkova was going to make things interesting in the 3rd. However, the only thing that was interesting was what she was going to have on her bagel. Shriekapova moved on 7-6 6-7 6-0. I do not know why she even bothered to waste the Russian’s time by taking the 2nd set. Anyway, Kvitova won her match knocking out Elena Baltacha of England 6-0 6-4.

GWH is lurking in the dark ready to cast a spell on anyone in her path

Heather Watson remains the only British gal in the draw by making the 3rd round and she is not going to the Olympics. The Serenanator sunk Melanie Czink as did Lucic who took out Fatoli in straight sets. Carebear Kerber and fellow German Julia Goerges also won. Vickie who has been relatively quiet this tournament also won her match. Shvedova, Wickmayer, Zakopalova, Ivanovic the Terrible, Sara Alien v Predator Head, Schiabone, Fatrova and Paszek also moved on. Former Wimbledon semifinalist Zheng Jie also moves on as did Roberta Vinci and Christina McHale and fellow American Varvara Lepchenko.

Gurl your make up is fabulous! Who put it on, Bozo the clown?

Some very interesting matches coming up…The conclusion of the Raonic vs Querry match…ACES GALORE! Mommie Dearest vs Vera Zvonareva, Bratzwanska vs Heather Watson, Almagro vs Gasquet (battle of the one handed backhand) Carebear vs McHale, Stephens vs Lisicki and Troicki vs Mrs. Monadal.  DON’T FORGET TO SPREAD THE WORLD ABOUT REALZ!!!


Hey gurl meet my boy toy! Rrrrrrr

Next time I have to bring my clutch…I can’t handle these handles on this murse!

This went from this…

To this… hmmmm how you doing?

To this… and we all know what’s going to happen next… gaynesia

Australian Open 2012: Day 6

In Andy Murray, Australian Open, David Ferrer, Gael Monfils, Janko Tipsarevic, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Juan Ignacio Chela, Kei Nishikori, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, Mikhail Kukushkin, Milos Raonic, Nicolas Mahut, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Richard Gasquet, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams, Sorana Cirstea, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tennis, Vera Zvonareva on January 21, 2012 at 9:33 am

Well Day 6 at the Aussie Open promised to be crazy exciting but in the end it was sorta a letdown though there were several gems to be treasured. On the ladies GHW was not messing around when she faced Maria Kirilenko of Russia. I guess there was less of a distraction for her across the net as Kiri is gifted in the looks department heavily so than her last opponent Lady Hobbit. Anyway, GHW unleashed her powers and was quickly at 6-0 but Kiri claimed injury and retired after losing the first game of the 2nd set. Kvitova is through to 4th round. She is picking up energy and confidence for this tournament.

Thanks for the warm up!!

Next up was Sara Errani of Italy vs Sorana Cirstea of Romania. It was an excellent first set and both ladies battled it out. The first set was literally decided by a couple of points as Cirstea took it in a tie-breaker 7-6. However, she claimed injury after when it became clear that the Italian was not going to be denied a chance for her first 4th round draw at a major. Cirstea tried to stick around but she got dismissed 0-6 2-6. Errani is through to the next round.

Look at the size of that cranium. It is like Alien v Predator had a baby girl.

Is this a 2008 Aussie Open Shriekapova we are seeing??

Shriekapova and the Serenanator seem on a collision course in the quarters as they both easily dispatched of their opponents. Shriekapova took out the German Angelique Kerber (30th seed) 6-1 6-2. Kerber you might remember made it to the 2011 US Open semifinals where she lost to eventual champion Sam D’stove Stosur. The Serenanator took out Greta Arn of Hugnary 6-1 6-1. Though I cannot recall the specific head to head between the Russian and the American, it goes without saying that the Serenanator owns Shriekapova. Everyone will remember the 2004 Wimbledon finals where the young upstart took out two time reigning champion and perhaps less so that later that year at the WTA Year Ending Championships, the Russian again beat the American. However, since 2004, Maria has yet to record a win over the American and many of her losses have been no contest including meeting last year in California. The Serenanator treated her with utter disdain. However, the Russian seemed to have put her injuries behind her and apparently in fine form. So it might be a tough match but she has to get past a hard hitting, big serving Sabine Lisicki of Germany where as the Serenanator get past Ekaterina Makarova of Russia.

The Serenanator is on and seeking to destroy!

So Lisicki and Makarova are through to the 4th round by virtue of “upsets” or another Chernobyl Disaster by their Russian opponents. Lisicki played Kuzi-Rex in the 3rd round and Kuzi-Rex took the first set 6-2 and was up a break in the 2nd. I was all ready to say, oh Kuzi Rex is back in fine form and perhaps might be dangerous at this tournament. However, no sooner did I think that than the Russian simply collapsed handing Lisicki belief of winning the tournament.  Kuzi-Rex was up 6-2 4-3, serving to go up 5-3. However, she only won two more games for the rest of the match as she lost 6-2 4-6 2-6. See this is why I cannot deal with Kuzi-Rex. She is a two time major winner and half the time she acts as if she just came on the tour. She looks like a bloody dinosaur but for all that mean and grit in her face, she is as scary as a frigging teddy bear.

This dinosaur is playing like a relic

Absolute waste of time and speaking of that, her country woman Vera ZvonaZERO was no better on court. Against her country woman Makarova who has no real great tour success but of course she faced Vera and she knew she had a chance. Vera came out looking shape racing to a 3-0 lead then lost the next four games, won the next 2 and lost the next 2. She fought to get into the tie break. She just collapsed after that, losing the set and won ONE solitary game in the 2nd set. 7-6 6-1 Makarova. You know without a doubt, Vera was bawling on court and on her way out. Someone should tape her tear ducts shut. Interestingly enough. ZvonaZero and Kuzi-Rex have teamed up to play doubles at these championships. I guess they are getting ready for the Olympics. Let’s see how well they do here.

Makarova of Russia

The other two matches played, Sailor Moon vs. Ivanovic the Terrible and Jie Zheng vs. La Petite Grosse were not so much remarkable as they were impressive. Ivanovic is showing signs of glory as she made it through to the 4th round in a major, something that has been rather elusive for her in recent years. (She did make it to the 4th round of the US Open last year but was knocked out by the Serenanator.) Anyway she took out Sailor Moon (Vania King) in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Up next is Kvitova aka GHW. That’s a tall order because Kvitova is looking to demolish this field.

You might this is Fatoli excited about a point. However it's just here doing one of her on court ballet routine.

In the other match it was Jie Zheng who is no bigger than your thumb (Maybe I should call her Thumbelina or Pixie) Anyway, she came out and was kicking like Jet Li against Fatoli Bartoli. Loads of people had Bartoli as a dark horse pick. LOL I think they had too much over the Christmas break because Bartoli will not win a major barring some unforeseen incident. She is not as consistent and hungry like the other girls….wait I take that back because she is always eating. However, she does not have the depth of play as the top ladies, so I do not factor her in at any major though she has made 2 semis and a final. Her game is too discombobulated and she exerts too much energy on court. No one is afraid of her and few take her seriously. Once her opponent sees the chance to make it big in a major and she is the roadblock, they will be all over her. Nonetheless, I really thought that she would have given Zheng some sorta fight and perhaps proved herself to be superior player. However, Zheng a 2010 semifinalist was not having any of that at all. She played a wonderful match. She was on Fatroli from the jump and the Frenchwoman never had a chance to do anything. Zheng was the better player and she never let up on her advantage. Zheng won 6-3 6-3 and is through to another 4th round of a major.

On the men’s draw, things were fairly routine for the most part.

Mahut showed up for a marathon but quickly realized that it was a sprint!

D’Juggernaut continues to look very very impressive as he obliterated the Frenchman Nicolas Mahut. Mahut you would remember from the 2010 Wimbledon who played that epic match against BFG 70-68 in the 5th set. Anyway, against the Serb, it was a 100 metres sprint…wait scratch that, it was a 60-yard dash and he was left in the dust 6-0 6-1 6-1. Mahut claimed injury but I think the only thing that was hurting was both his pride and game. Baby Ali is also playing well as he took out the Portuguese Frederico Gil 6-2 6-2 6-2. Lochness Monster also had an easy time against his French opponent, Michael Llodra who went out 6-4 6-2 6-0, the Scotsman. So many of the top players are playing very very well. It is a love fest all over the tour as people are getting blitz. Even in doubles, the 2nd seed team of Lisa Raymond and Liezel Huber took out their 1st round opponent 6-0 6-0.

Lochness Monster is quietly going through the draw

Anyway, we are not here to talk about the ladies doubles event. David Fiery Ferrer is also through to the 4th round. 2011 semifinalist looked a bit out of sorts when he played Juan Ignacio Chela aka Chin Chela. Chin Chela barking at his heels but eventually the Spaniard showed himself to be the superior athlete, 7-5 6-2 6-1.Richard Gasquet (17th seed) took on Janko Tipsarevic (9th seed) and to be honest, I expected an epic match of sorts. Both are immensely talented, though the Frenchman is a shade better. However, in the actual match, Gasquet just blitzed the Serb. Perhaps Tipsarevic was having a bad day but he was totally out of it throughout as Richard took the match 6-3 6-3 6-1. Dennis the Menace aka Milos Raonic of Canada played Dingo Dog Hewitt and I knew that Dennis just would not have had the stamina to squeak out this win plus the Aussie crowd has been rather vicious this year and were strongly behind their man. Raonic managed to win the first set 6-4 but eventually Dingo Dog proved too dogged for the Canadian and he lost in 4 sets 4-6 6-3 7-6 6-3 Hewitt. Hewitt received a wild card to get into these championships if I am not mistaken and he is not wasting this invitation. He is in the 4th round but will be face the onslaught of the D’Juggernaut. Kei Nishikori of Japan took care of Julian Benneteau of France in 4 sets 4-6 7-6 7-6 6-3. This was a match of determination and will and the Japanese proved to be the stronger in the end.


The final men’s match to speak of and for me the match of the tournament and perhaps one for the ages, is Gael Monfils of French vs Mikhail Kukushkin of Kazakhstan. This was an epic match. Beetlejuice came out and won the first 2 games followed by  Kukushkin reeling off 8 straight games. 6-2 2-0. Beetle decided that he was going to call trainer complaining of back pain and he was moving like an ugly old man on court. For those who know tennis, they know Monfils is all about his speed. However, in yesterday’s match, he looked all but ready for the wheelchair. He was hobbling, walking gingerly to shots and at times, just giving up.

Beetlejuice looked like he was all dried up

Kukushkin raced to a 5-1 lead in the 2nd. However, here is where things got very very interesting. I for one will admit that I thought it unwise for BJ to continue. I mean it was obvious he could not move and Kukushkin was just pouncing all over the balls. However a strange thing happened Kushi went to serve for the set;  he began to choke and he was CHOKING big time. It was like watching a hanging. Kushi could not create his own pace at all and Beetlejuice just pushed the ball back and allowed Kushi to make the errors. Then it was now 5-5 all. However, Kushi pulled out the 2nd set 7-5 and enjoyed a 2-0 set lead. Beetlejuice refused to retire and began the 3rd set. BJ had taken back medication and I guess as the effects of the meds worn on, he regained some mobility and he took the 3rd set 7-5 and just dominated the 4th 6-1.

The fighting spirit of this demon was tremendous

We were even for the 5th. Monfils braved on and I will have to say that he earned my respect. Usually his on court antics always bugged the shite out of me. However, yesterday he was just absolutely on point, playing well within himself and conserving energy. He played valiantly and I dare say this, Beetlejuice earned my respect. He lost the match though 4-6 in the 5th, double faulting on match point. Kushi was hitting like a girl and I am sure he will lose in the next round but he will make more money there than in the 3rd round.

Kushi through to his first 4th round appearance at a major

So that’s a wrap up of the 6th day. Hope you enjoyed!!

Today’s Hotties are HOTT…BRULE, MUY CALIENTE!!

WUUURRRQQQ!!! (I have some issues with the lower half of the dress..actually with the whole thing really. Sorta looks like a dish towel. However, you are wurqing it. This was a homemade number wasn't it??)

Fiery Ferrer (words have failed me right now!)

For those who like men who like dogs, here is something for you. Not my thing...though I am all for licking

This is just too hot. This has to be considered soft core porn. I wonder what lies between. Hmmm

Hey you!! Not you daddy but your son next to you.

Why thank you for the resfreshment.... I sure could use this. So hot around here.

Clearly we are in the notties section right now

I don't know who performed this bit of "My Fair Lady" magic and turned Kuzi- Rex (seen directly above) into a lady but I do think they deserve a Nobel Prize.

Chin Chela is possessed by the demons of non-beauty

It isn't just in Paris that its all gay

Sweetie you know that's your gurlfriend and not your boyfriend right?? Just checking

Mahut. This isn't's sleezy and damn near creepy too. Get away!!

What do you mean we cannot do that here? Checking her whowho on court is a perfectly legitimate reason for an injury time out? Stop the hating Rosie!!

Monsters always turn out to be freaks. Commendable effort but there are somethings that should never be done alone!

Aussie Open 2012: Day 2

In Agnes Radwanska, Alexander Dolgopolov, Andy Murray, Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Caroline Wozniacki, Christina McHale, David Ferrer, David Nalbandian, Donald Young, Francesca Schiavone, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, John Isner, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kaia Kanepi, Li Na, Lleyton Hewitt, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Sabine Lisicki, Sam Stosur, Vera Zvonareva on January 18, 2012 at 6:06 am

Kvitova aka (Grand High Witch GHW) was first up against Russian Dushevina who broke the number 2 seed and 2011 Wimbledon Champ in the opening service game. Dushevina quickly raced to a 2-0 lead. Things looked for a minute like they were going to be very interesting out here on the Rod Laver Arena. However, things did not look good for the Russian after that as she was bludgeoned on the court. GHW worked her magic and reeled off 12 straight games taking the match 6-2 6-0. Dushevina did not even know what hit her.  Now, this is why Kvitova is one of my picks to win this tournament.

I put a spell on you and you're mine my lil pretty

My only fear with GHW is that she can get into these mental lapses where she acts as though she barely knows how to play the game. Anyway, she is safely through to the 2nd round where she will not be joined by Sam “D’Stove” Stosur (6th seed). Now Stosur can perhaps be described as an enigma but we will talk about that in a minute. Stosur was the last match up on the Rod Laver Arena for the Day Session and you know, all of Australia was crazy excited for this match. The 2011 US Open champ was taking the court. Prior to this title, the last time Australians had had a major champion was back in 2002 when Dingo Dog Hewitt won Wimbledon.  Australians are extremely proud of their native daughter because much of Australia’s tennis team are in fact naturalized Australians; imported talents of sorts. Australia have a rich history in tennis but apparently they seem to have to outsource for the job. Sam Stosur on the other hand was born and breed Down Under and so they all jumping like kangaroos for her and the match.

We are here for our gurl Sam!!

And what does Sam do for the crowd, well she loses. She loses to Sorana Cirstea of Romania in the first round. Now Cirstea is not a bad player, bony like hell but not a bad player at all but Sam has not lost a single set to her in their prior 2-3 meetings. Sam broke the Romanian in her opening service game and looked to be on her way to romping through this match to the delight of the crowd. However, Cirstea kept forcing the issue and later broke back. She would not allow the Aussie to get a decent lead in the set or assert herself. Now if you have seen D’Stove play tennis, you would realize that she has one main weakness, she virtually has the inability to hit a backhand. It is such a glaring deficiency. However, she is able to get away with it on most days but Cirstea was making her pay dearly for this.

Sorana Cristea (Kris-te-ah not Chris-tea oka) from Romania

Sam has never done well in her native country (think of Mauresmo in France. Oh in 2003 French Open quarterfinals, the Serenanator made Amelie look like she was ranked 1000th in the world. The French crowd was virtually silent through the match as they watched the Serenanator simply tear Mauresmo limb by limb. It was not cute. No wonder the French crowd booed the American against Cheating Justine in that infamous semi-final match.) Anyway, we digress. Sam coming in this year’s Aussie Open lost in the 2nd round and 1st round of her two warm up tournament. So with little to no confidence as well as the weight of a nation on her, Cirstea took the match 7-6 6-3.

The gas line is not connect to D'Stove.

Now what I want to say about D’Stove is that I think she is quite a lovely girl and she is the epitome of the motto, hard work brings success but the real truth of the matter is that Sam is no real singles player. She is a doubles specialist hence why her game is so halved (no backhand). She does not have the killer instinct of a top lady contender and perhaps the public should stop expecting great things from her. She won the US Open and by right she deserved it after that excellent 2010 clay court season only to lose the French Open to Schiabone. However, to be a contender at majors or week in and week out on the tour; that is not D’Stove Stosur. The girl is so lacking in confidence on court. There is no way, a Kim, a Serenanator , a Ebony Starr (on most days), a Shriekapova would have come out on court in such a lackluster manner. It was telling from the beginning that she was not going to impose herself on the match in any way. No wonder, Cirstea had a way easier time in the 2nd set than in the first. Anyway, the hope of nation was simply dashed.

Hello??? Anyone home??

And as if Sam was not bad enough, another of their imported daughter Jarmila Gajdosova (Guydasova) formerly Jarmila Groth, was knocked out by Maria Kirilenko (27th seed). Kirilenko will join countrywoman Maria Shriekapova who just simply ripped Gisela Dulko of Argentina a new one with a 6-0 6-1 victory. Dulko had knocked Shriekapova out of the French Open some years ago and Shriekapova seemed to have been exacting revenge.  I often wonder how does one deal with themselves the next day after such a dismal performance. All I know is that it must suck to be them. Suck big time and not in a good way at all.


Anyway, it was not all tears for the Australians as Jelena Dokic knocked out Anna Chakvetadze which was basically a battle of super great talent but no great results. I think it is time Chakvetadze consider being a professional teacher than a professional player. I do not think her nerves can deal with being on the tour and these poor poor results.  And while we are talking about Russians, we should mention that Boynetsova aka Svetlana Kuznetsova (18th seed Happy to see her ranking going up there), Maria Kirilenko (27th seed) Vera Zvonareva (7th seed) came through to the 2nd round, both in 3 sets as did Nadia Fatrova (29th seed) and Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (15th seed).  Zvonareva is my super dark horse pick behind LiNaLi. Other winners include Ivanovic the Terrible (21st seed) Sabine Lisicki (14th seed), Marion Fatoli aka La Petite Grosse (9th seed), Dominika Cibuttkova (17th seed) Kaia Kanepi (25th seed) Shahar Peer and Jie Zheng 2010 semifinalist here.  The US should be proud of themselves  as several young ladies made it through to the 2nd round on the 2nd day: Sloane Stephens, Jamie Hampton and Vania King aka Saw Clown. Seems I almost for this. Well the Queen Supreme of American tennis is of course, the Serenanator (12th seed) and she did not disappoint as the final match of the day. She dealt with the Austrian Tamira Paszek 6-3 6-2, preserving her record of having never lost in the first round of a major (45-0).

The Serenanator seeks out to destroy

On the men’s side, D’Joker begins his defense of his Aussie Open title and did he look spectacular as he simply demolished his Italian opponent Paolo Lorenzi 6-2 6-0 6-0. It was a beat down. D’Juggernaut is not skylarking about this at all. He is out to defend his title and he appear to be under the impression that he will defend.

That was a warm up match!

His countrymen Janko Tipsarevic (9th seed) and Viktor Troicki (17th seed) also won. Troicki came from two match points down if I am not mistaken to win the match in 5 sets. Meanwhile Lochness Monster (4th seed) was not looking so hot at all. Young Ryan Harrison was showing him up on court and trying him as he if were the lower ranked player. However, Nessie is not number 4 in the world for nothing and he simply showed the American who was the boss on the court. Harrison should take heart from this game and I myself was particularly impressed with what I saw throughout the match. Hopefully this potential pans out.

Ryan Harrison

And speaking of Americans, Andy “Mr. Brooklyn Decker” Roddick (15th seed) easily dispatched of Robin Haase of the Netherland who almost beat Lochness Monster last year at the US Open as did Ryan Sweeting and Alex Bogomolov Jr. Mr. Bogomolov has recently been the center of controversy when he was cleared to play for Russia his native country. He is a naturalized citizen of the US. Do not worry Sasha, do not mind the haters because we here are Realz loves you for realz.

Sometimes @$$holes can't help drawing attention to themselves

Australia’s bad start got better as Lleyton Hewitt seemingly down and out in the 4th set trailing 1-5 came back to win 6 straight games against Cedrik-Marcel Steber Germany. I swear, never have I seen a player choked this badly. Wait, Mr. Federer did against Mr. Divadal in the 1st set at the French Open last year. (Don’t remind me please!) Dingo Dog showed that he is a fight but unfortunately he faces Mr. Brooklyn Decker in the next round and though this is a battle of two washed up has beens, I think the American can pull this one out though I hardly care about this result. No secret that I cannot stand the Aussie and his smug, rude nasty attitude. Two other Aussie men made it into the 2nd rounds but I would not bother to tell you their names because I am certain they would not be doing anything special this year Aussie Open.

Fiery Ferrer is about to lick that ball........Olé senor

Anyhow, other winners include David Ferrer aka Fiery Ferrer (5th seed), Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice (14th seed) who…surprise..surprise won in straight sets instead of some long protracted 5 set epic battle in the 1st round. He will join his countrymen Baby Ali Tsonga (6th seed), Gilles Simon (12th seed), Richard G@$$quet (17th seed), Michael Llodra, Julian Bennateau and Nicholas Mahut. I swear France has become the new hot spot for men’s tennis. So many good athletes. The US needs to study their junior programs and have them duplicated over here. Other players who made it to the 2nd round were Juan Ignacio Chin-Chela (27th seed) Milos Raonic (23rd seed) and Kei Nishikori (24th seed) one of the few men to beat D’Juggernaut last year.

Definitely a cutie pie...all you girls can swoon and proclaim "I wanna have a baby!'

Definitely a hottie is Cristea!

Adidas (All Day I Dream About Sex) Definitely in the hottie sex. Apparently he is Danny Valverdu, on Lochness Monster's coaching staff. I would definitely like to hit some balls with him.

Don't know who he is but definitely would love to especially in the biblical sense.

Hmmm and who is this and what's under that shirt? Hey you with the mike, how about you get some pit pads or switch to anti-perspirant?

Ooo that's what was under there. I think I have a touch of the vapours. Can someone get me the smelling salts??

It always hurt a lil when it first goes in....just breathe!!

A lil tongue action never hurts a soul

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, oral comes standard with every model though one has to have a clean tongue

Azarenka, I could sorta see where they were trying to go with this one, but sweetie, this is just straight up, softcore porn.

Who knew dinosaur wore clothes? Yeah we are in the nottie section now

And speaking of dinosaurs, here we have a caveman

Maybe because it is the wee hours in the morning but Beetlejuice sorta looks cute here.

Oh okay, the world is right again. Definitely a nottie

Hmmmm what's going on here ladies? Rather cozy no??

Hmmmm lady, something tells me you are thinking "Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink."

I see gaynesia is about to claim some new victims. And I am just saying, if you are going to draw attention to yourself shirtless, can't you at least make sure you do some crunches and not eat Crunches. I mean "C" too much Calories in your diet. Come on now indeed. O, Oh really with that scrawny chest. M, I think you have been skipping too Many Meals and E, can we get some Exercise from you.

Well that’s Day 2’s coverage for you.

Day 5 at the US Open 2011

In Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Christina McHale, David Ferrer, David Nalbandian, Donald Young, Flavia Pennetta, Irina Falconi, James Blake, John Isner, Juan Martin Del Potro, Maria Sharapova, Nadia Petrova, Nicolas Mahut, Rafael Nadal, Robin Haase, Sabine Lisicki, Sam Stosur, US Open, Vera Zvonareva on September 3, 2011 at 11:01 am

Hey fanz, I know this posting is coming well off schedule but I am really tying to get things done as quickly as possible. So, we are going to go straight into the action. Maria Shriekapova was up against Flavia Pennetta aka Penne Pasta Pennetta. Shriekapova is seeded 3rd at these championships and is heavily favored by the “pundits” to win this title behind the Serenanator. LOL. Let me try to catch my breathe a minute here ……..okay ready. We here are RTF believe that the Russian gets far more hype than she richly deserves and people are not willing to look at the facts and stats of her play. Yes, she is aggressive and is very mentally tough. Behind the Serenanator, Maria is a tough tough cookie. However, being a tough cookie and not being delicious is really a waste in the end. It’s like having the mental fortitude of a Shaolin monk but when it comes to the fight you packing a punch like a baby. So when things got underway in the match, I was not surprise to see that Pennetta was up 4-0 in the first set. What I was looking for was to see whether Penne Pasta could hold it together because Maria was not going to wilt out on the court and sure enough in no time, Shriekapova won 3 straight games. The Italian sensing the need for urgency then closed out the set 6-3. Maria who was 3 match point down, played one of the most ridiculous volleys I have ever seen in my life. A 10-year-old rookie to the sport would have done a way better job. Maria only won 11 of 26 service points. How far does one expect to get with this level of play?

Painful grimace knowing that she has to serve

Anyway, Shriekapova came back roaring and took the second set 6-3 making things interesting for the 3rd set. However, Pennetta have done relatively well here at the Open being the major where she has had the most success. She is an older girl and unlike Heather Watson in the 1st round, she has game and experience and was not going to allow herself to be bullied and screamed out by the Russian. Pennetta held form as Maria’s lack of service ability showed it in true colors. Yes I know she has had shoulder surgery but that was ages ago and she really needs to go back and correct her form. She will not win another major with this sorta of playing. She has largely benefited from a weak WTA tour and at the end of the day, the better players win out. Anyway, she lost the match like I predicted 4-6 and was out of the Open in the 3rd round. She barely won 50% of her service points for the entire match and had 60 errors with no aces and 12 double faults. Had she been playing a Serenanator, she would have been pulverized out on the court.

Penne Pasta Pennetta was spelling danger danger in red for the Russian Maria Shriekapova

Anyway in other wins, Maria Kirilenko made short work of American Christina McHale as did Sabine Lisicki who barely broke a sweat as she destroyed the other American Irina Falconi 6-0 6-1. Zvonareva is also looking good as she makes a bid to get back to the finals as she did last year. Sam D’Stove Stosur took out Nadia Petrova in what was a really tough match 7-6 6-7 7-5. They were both playing to lose but in the end Petrova blinked and Sam won the match. I have to say that despite Petrova wearing a hideous outfit, she is in good shape. No longer Fatrova.

Falconi certainly was not ready for the onslaught that was Lisicki

Lady Gollum is not a happy camper today for sure

Monica Niculescu beat…sorry I mean, dismantled Lucie Safarova aka Mrs. Tomas Berdych aka Lady Gollum in a 6-0 6-1 result. That’s enough to make someone lay or the court for a couple of months. Julia Georges of Germany, an up and coming star of the WTA (well potential star) started nicely against Peng Shuai but you know that old saying, “only those with an injured foot will look to take an early lead” and the Chinese came back like a firestorm and took the match. It was not a real upset because the Chinese was seeded 13th whereas Georges was 17th or 19th if i am not mistaken….19th seed. I just checked it out. However, another German Angelique Kerber took up the slack for Georges and won her match to move into the 4th round.

I think I might have broken lil nicolas

In men’s action, who are still playing their 2nd round matches, it was yet another retirement for a top player. Divadal saw Mahut retire after being down 2-6 2-6. The Frenchman was not going to make it at all against Divadal but it made life easier for the Spaniard. Mr. Brooklyn Decker took out Jack Sock also from Nebraska I think in straight sets. Roddick is quietly going about the draw and is set to meet Divadal in the quarterfinals if they continue to win. John Isner, BFG, took out another American and will face Alex Bogomolov Jr, Russian transplant who won his match.

Haase was on fire against Lochness Monster

Lochness Monster looked like he was on the brink of being slain once again at a major when Robin Haase of the Netherlands quickly jumped to a 2-set to love lead. Murray could not do a thing right out on court. Haase had the answers and was up 7-6 6-2. He played out of his mind and it soon became apparent that he was playing out of his body as well as he called for the trainer and things went down him for him losing the match in 5 sets.

He was lost for 2 sets but he found his way to win the last 3

In other win, Beast Boy Del Potro took out his countryman in straight sets. However, I have to say that I did not like the way he played the last set. He looked very lethargic and was making uncharacteristic mistakes. I know he is trying to find himself out on court and return to the level where he was contending for majors but I am afraid he is some ways off that goal. I had hopes of him giving Nessie a run for his money but after seeing that match, I think he is going to find things hard against Gilles Simon of France who he faces in the next round.

Has the beast finally awoken??

Fiery Ferrer was blazing against Blake in the 2nd round

David Fiery Ferrer took out James Blake in a hurry as did Chin Chela of Argentina and FeFe Lopez who both easily won their matches. Actually Lopez went to a 5th set against a Canadian. David Nalbandian won his match and will face Divadal in the 3rd round. The surprise match of the day was Donald Young who took on Stanislav Wawrinka of Switzerland. Now Wawrinka is not in shape and really needs to lose that gut to be anywhere near his true potential and Young being fit, trim and simply sexual chocolate had the crowd squarely behind him.  The guy has game and pulled out all the stops as he took down the formidable Swiss in 5 sets. It really brought a much needed excitement to the USTA is looking for new male stars. Young will face Chin Chela in the 3rd round and I think Young stands a really great chance of winning that match.

Young is through to the 3rd round after taking out the 14th seed Wawrinka. You want some of this?? I most definitely do.



For the Divadal lovers

Kirilenko is working it in pink

Sexual chocolate and he's more than legal at 22

A lil fire crotch here is Alex Bogomolov of the US. We do love the ginger snap


I do not know what's going on with Nalbandian, he use to be a total he's been demoted to the "unpretties"

See...back in the days he was up there on the hot scale even with the scruff

That's not muscles just plain ole fat on Wawrinka

Diego Junqueira of Argentina was Beast Boy's opponent in the 2nd round. I almost laughed out loud when I saw him. I thought for a minute I was at the rodeo looking at one of the clowns.

I realize they were being serious when no bull came out. WTF, you are FAT man. I can't even believe that you beat someone to get into the 2nd round

James Blake's not ugly but right about now, he's as pretty as a toadstool. He will still get it though.


Praying to God to save her from her bad fashion. Don't let me every wear this horrible dress ever again

WOW this is impressive to say the least. He has game on and off the tennis court.

How many licks till you get to the center of a tootsie pop

Hungover is a killer

WTF Andy? On court in public and mixed company? A bit much now...just a tad bit too much





Day 1 finally got opened at the US Open 2011

In Agnes Radwanska, Alexander Dolgopolov, Andy Murray, Bernard Tomic, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Hurricane Irene, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Melanie Oudin, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Sports Blog, Tennis, Tomas Berdych, US Open, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka on August 30, 2011 at 6:08 am

So Day 1 of the US Open has been completed without any delays. There was no rain, no fake hurricane warning and no crazy winds to report. Everyone said that it was a beautiful day outside but I never made it outside for the day and my secret location is rather secret so I do not get much light in the cave. Nonetheless, I got the internet to see some pretty good matches for the first day. A certain fanz had had promised to get tickets but they came up with all sorts of excuses. I do not want to put anyone on blast but KJ you know who you are.

Celebrations the US Open has officially opened.

Anyway, there is not much I have to say before I get into the tennis talk other than this. Now, RTF is a very sophisticated publication and we cater to a certain clientele who only subscribe to the very best in periodicals and read the best of the blogosphere. I say all this to say that I hope none of my fanz are going around saying that “a hurricane hit NYC or Hurricane Irene passed through the city” because you know I will be so ashamed of you and for you as well. People, let’s get it together okay. We are a professional and cultured people. It was a tropical storm at best okay. I do not want to see anymore facebook postings about how a hurricane hit the city because it just downright foolishly wrong and an insult to the people of New Orleans where an actual hurricane happened. Anyway, we not here for this, we are here for the tennis.

Why of course, we're sophicated!

On the menz draw, it was rather uneventful for the most part. Typically a lot of players come into the US Open in great shape because frankly, they were doing crap for most of the year and this is their last chance to make something happen. Getting past the 3rd round of a major can do wonders for a player’s life. They can get increased endorsements, huge pay day from prize money plus media coverage, which will definitely send their Twitter accounts and Facebook pages going (something most of them live for). Anyway, this often results in high quality matches from the menz. The USTA has slowed down the courts this year for whatever reason so in essence they are playing on a very hard clay court. Apparently, if you add sand to the paint which is used to coat the courts, it can slow down the surface. This is resulting in longer matches. I guess this makes for better matches?? I do not think so. It makes for less and less distinction amongst the majors’ surfaces, where all the courts are getting slower. Not forgetting that longer matches added to the long season is causing more and more injuries. I think since the top four players are in essence baseline players they are catering to their needs though Mr. Federer will have the most problems. Also, Americans are not good on slower courts so I do not know if the USTA is trying to sabotage their own mission but you know, we shall leave those sort of executive decisions to the executives. Their follies will  just be fodder for Realz Newz. So to the results

Mardy Fish is playing whale size tennis these day and is the US best hopes on the men's side

Mardy Fish looked impressive with a straight sets victory as did Marin Cilic (he has a MASSIVE forehand) who took out American Ryan Harrison. Apparently before the match (I might be wrong here…don’t have a fact checker all the time) Harrison was all like, “I got a fire in my belly” (paraphrasing here). However, on court that fire looked more like bad stomach gas because his play was fluctuating and flatulating all over the place. Any time he was in the lead, he simply choked and threw away his advantage. He does not possess anything special as far as I can tell but he is young and has massive potential. Nonetheless, he should shut this mouth and let his tennis do the talking, which today was saying “shit”.

Harrison's tennis was no where as good as his high kicks

Beetlejuice (Monfils) won his match and of course without fail, he was ugly evermore…..I mean he exuded a massive amount of energy just to get to the 2nd round. I imagine that he would be done by the 4th round at these championships. Other winners include Lurch (Tomas Berdych), Richard Gasquet and Michael Llodra of France, Australia’s rising star Bernard Tomic, Ukraine Alexandr Dolgopolov and Serbia’s Janko Tipsarevic. Ivo Karlovic of Croatia also won taking out former quarterfinalist Fernando Speedy Gonzalez who is still working his way back from injury to his past form. Juan Carlos Ferrero finalist in 2003 needed 5 sets to take out his 1st round opponent and Tomaz Bellucci that hottie from Brazil lost 😦 to Dudi Sela of Israel as did Victor Troicki (15th seed) lost to Alejandro Falla in 5 sets. Troicki had a 2-1 set lead and threw away the match. This is the second match he is playing shitty tennis when he should closing out the match.

Another wilted performance from the Serb

The other notable men’s winner is Mr. Federer. I decided to give him a whole paragraph for himself because there is much about him to talk about. Now he won his first round match 6-4 6-3 6-2 against some Colombian Santiago Giraldo. I saw that match which finished after 11 p.m. last night and I have to say that the realz Roger Federer has been kidnapped and his doppelganger was out on court fcuking up. Mr. Federer was up 5-1 in the 1st set then was broken twice to almost have to fight it out in a tie breaker. No disrespect to the Colombian but he was no match for Mr. Federer if Mr. Federer had actually showed up. It was errors all over the place. Mr. Federer made 23/37 net approaches, 7/18 on break points, 36 winners, 35 errors, 62% of his first serves were in, had 6 aces and 3 double faults. People we are in the first round and Mr. Giraldo is ranked 54 in the world. It was just disgusting. Had Mr. Giraldo been a shade better player, Mr. Federer would have still been out there playing. It is not that Mr. Federer no longer has that aura of invincibility; it is that he is appearing to be a mere mortal.

Professor Dumbledore told Harry Potter (Harry Potter reference here) that even if he were to destroy the horcuxes which anchored Voldemort to immortality, Voldemort remains a prodigious and formidable wizard ie he can still fcuk you up. One would hope the same can be said of Mr. Federer. I say this to say that  even though Mr. Federer is struggling to win tournaments these days, he seems to be waddling around the court looking like a shade of his former self. He is not playing like a Number 3 player in the world.  He is out of position, shots are all over the place and it looks like he is second guessing himself on all his shots. I have long been vocal about his partnership with Paul Annacone and I will continue to say it. Annacone needs to go. I think Mr. Federer can do bad all by himself. Mr. Federer’s backhand is a serious liability. He drops that ball so short in the court begging players to crush it on the return. And when Mr. Federer’s backhand becomes a liability in matches, his forehand loses accuracy and his shots find themselves in the net or way off the court.

Look at this. WTF Roge! WTF are you doing out there hitting blind shots?

Mr. Federer, I beg you, dump Annacone. FIRE THE MAN! He is like a sick groupie who adds nothing to your production but just sycophancy. He does not know what he is talking about. He’s a charlatan, a fraud and a liar. Your game has significantly deteriorated since his arrival. His tactics may have worked for Pete Sampras but they are not working for you. If you cannot penetrate with your backhand against the likes of a 54th ranked player, you really think you going to keep D’Joker Harlequeen, Lochness Monster, Divadal at bay and that even if you get to a semifinal stage. There’s Tsonga lurking in the earlier rounds. Annacone was suppose to fix this problem and I have seen zero improvements. What I do see is a steady decline and attrition. Really now… you are not being serious with this current level of play at all. Anyway, I am tired talking about it and I really want to see Mr. Federer win more majors. So please Mr. Federer, dump the non-coach Annacone and find yourself someone else who really knows what they are talking about.

Looking like holidays at the country club than preparing for professional level tennis.

To the womenz, the usual suspects made it through… Shriekapova had a tough test from the British Heather Watson who in the end just did not possess enough game to put the nail in the Russian’s coffin much to my chagrin. Hopefully Watson can develop and given British women’s tennis a much needed boost….as a matter of fact give their tennis a boost overall since Lochness Monster is a massive ole choker.

Made it through to another match more so on grit than game

Watson...hopefully we see more of her in the future. She held her composure today quite beautifully

Anyway, we here about the ladies. Vera Zvonavera won her match as did Marian Fatoli and Agneiszka Radwanska who beat her younger sister Urszula in straight sets. I tell you Urszula was not a happy camper as she was being toyed around the court.

By way of upsets, Petra Kvitova the reigning Wimbledon champion lost to Alexandra Dulgheru in straight sets. Kvitova was just flat today and was unable to straight together several games at a time. No sooner did she break the Romanian than she lost her serve. I really hope Kvitova aka Head High  Witch does not go the way of an Ivana the Terrible. You win a major and then slowly drop off the face of the earth.

Kvitova bringing on the waterworks on court and of course being a witch, she merely melted away. Plus I am sure she was being weighed down by that huge muffin top

Now there was a match today between two American ladies who we hardly anything about, Madison Key and Jill Craybas which got a lot of media hype. Really this was much ado about nothing. Key is 16, Craybas is 37, so it was essentially a young nobody vs an old nobody. Of course the young nobody won as can be expected. It ain’t news. It would be news if this 16 got her @$$ beat by a grandmother as was the case when Dinada Safina lost to Kimiko Date-Krumm a couple of years ago at a major. Oh yes, Christina McHale took out Cookie Monster’s lil sister in three sets today as well. She has a very aggressive style on court and she recently beat the Danish Biscuit so I am happy to see that she is progressing nicely about. Needless to say as well that Melanie Oudin aka Abby Caddady lost first round in straight sets.

Ebony Starr

There were not much matches for the notables for me to talk about other than Venus Ebony Starr Williams match against another one of those many Russians. Now Ebony Starr gave a B performance as can be expected with a 6-4 6-3 victory. She has not played since Wimbledon and as always showed a lot of rust in her game. However, the biggest story of course is her clothes. Now I do not know what’s her problem or to be fair, what’s her point when it comes to her clothing but she really needs to stop. She has of late become obsessed with lace. She claims that “lace is in” what I think she means is that “lace is in her demented world.” The dress looks bad. I do not care what you all want to say about the front of it.

Check out the back of this... you can also see bits of the back of her head too

There’s no other way of saying it but that it is a horrible construction of fabric and if there were any justice in the fashion world, that thing should be stripped off her in public and burned thread by thread as well as all designs regarding this dress, if we want to call it that. Ebony Starr should then be made to plant 50 trees as penance for the wasted paper that went into printing up this “design”as well as go pick two hours of cotton on some cotton farm so that she can feels how much effort goes into real fabric construction. I know a bit harsh but seriously now, she is overdoing this now. The dress looked like someone filleted it or something. White lace with pink zipper on the back of an all black dress with pleats? DISGUSTING! Just revolting. And added to all this, Ebony Starr has the back of head looking all “nappy” (not a word I like to use but there’s no other I can think of…..kinky means something totally different for me and it is not appropriate for sensitive readership) and another terrible weave. Gurl you have eating away your hair frontline with them old sweaty weave go back your natural hair and please put some sorta styling gel for the back of the hair or press them out or something. They looking too bad for this international stage. Anyway, I let you all be the judge thing one because I do not want a certain KJ to be after me.

The forehead or should I say sixhead starts at the top of that visor

Anyway, tomorrow promises to be an action pack as well with Azarenka, Divadal, Danish Biscuit, the Serenanator, D’Joker Harlequeen, Fiery Ferrer, Chun Li Na, Loser Blake and Baby Ali all set to play. It should a really exciting time. Enjoy the photos.


The Radwanska sisters...Urszula on the left and Aggie on the right. I won't say it.. I won't say it at all

Looks like they want to give the Williams sisters a run for their money

Grigor Dimitrov though a beauty had to face that beast Beetlejuice in the first round. Needless to say he lost but the most important thing is that his looks is safe. Gotta love a lil tongue action


Who's the ugliest of them all? Ooooo pick me .....pick me

Kvitova had an ugly start yesterday to go with her ugly look

No wonder he talks a lot of shit...he eats it too

XXX man lost in the first round. Hopefully he also lose some pounds soon enough too. That scruffy beard isn't heading your triple chin


M'am are you okay? You know that shades is either suppose to be on your nose or on your head NOT the middle ground on your forehead....NOPE not at all.

Thunder cyat oooooo Ebony Starr, your cyat is thunderous. Also your camel is stepping out on you there.

I think you're sporting wood. Is that suppose to happen??

Is either she got TPed or she was just pulled out of a tomb in Egypt. Either way, that dress looks ridiculous

Oh Melanie 😦 looking like a bad egg yolk.

Eat your heart out Kim Basinger

Oh Serena.........this is just low class. We expect you to bring Compton to the court not to the press conference.

There's a word to describe this... "jailbait" Where are these girls parents?? Because they are just three seconds and $200 away from being "Girls Gone Wild at the Open"

You know I thought Ebony Starr had committed fashion high treason until I saw this next lil number

Now why is she wearing Super Mario Bros blocks for a dress?? Can someone explain this to me? Where is quality control at sweat shops? I mean Nadia Fatrova should be publicly flogged for this atrocity here. She cannot be serious?


Will the US Open actually open? 2011 Preview and Predictions

In Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, Caroline Wozniacki, David Ferrer, Hurricane Irene, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Kim Clijsters, Li Na, Mardy Fish, Maria Sharapova, Marian Bartoli, Na Li, Novak Djokovic, Petra Kvitova, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Serena Williams, Tomas Berdych, US Open, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka on August 29, 2011 at 10:08 am

My dearest fanz…I beg for your indulgences. I have forsaken you in your hour of need. You craved for Realz Tenis Newz but I left you stranded. I pray you would let me work my way back into your hearts, minds and laughters. I desire your love, comments, insights and hateration so that we can make this the best tennis publication ever. I do confess that I have had another project working on the Facebook page, which is far easier to maintain. I encourage you all to “Like” the page not the comment saying that you should like the page, and get on and let your comments fly. There should be no excuses as to why you all are not on and talking. Anyway, I do have to say that the Facebook page does not allow me to spread my editorial wings as I am limited by 400 characters. So I am back to the blogosphere. Nonetheless, you know that if you are hearing me that mean that there is a major on the horizon. And the US Open begins tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. live from NYC or what’s will be left of it if you listen to Mayor Bloomberg.

Wet ballz all over the place...What sorta establishment is this??

I swear this entire Hurricane Irene thing is the craziest I have ever heard. Not even in the 3rd world region…wait I think we are suppose to say developing region of the Caribbean do people act this way over a hurricane. People, we are in New York State, not the Florida Cays/Keys. A hurricane is one of the most unlikely natural disasters to hit this region. New York State is not even within the tropical latitudinal lines ie, you not within the lines of the Tropic of Cancer or Capricorn, that is to say you not in a tropical region, and if we are keeping it realz, what I really mean is that you all are not in the frigging Caribbean so chill the fcuk out with this hurricane bullshit. I mean the shut down the bloody trains, airports. More rain came several weeks ago than it did yesterday and the whole place did not go bust that time around but this time, its different??…Hmmmm. I swear, this place is like the Comedy of Errors.

The Caribbean, where hurricanes usually happen

Real hurricane effects

There will be rains of course but a hurricane, which is ONLY if the weather system gains winds of more than 70 m.p.h. So New Yorkers, you did not get a hurricane okay. If anything you got a tropical depression or at best a tropical storm, though how this place is so psycho dependant, I think a tropical depression is more apropos. I am not one for conspiracy theories but I swear Twitter and Facebook along with other media outlets put on this whole thing so that they can get something going in this media dry spell as if war overseas, political turmoil in the Arab World (I hate the term “Middle East”; middle and east of where?), famine in East Africa, world economy is in shit but the media seem to think celebrity gossip and pseudo-hurricane alerts are more the order of business.

All this hurricane talk was just shite...

Anyway, we are not here for that. Let’s get to the tennis… but before we do, you know a lil housekeeping is in order. RTF will not be making too many promises from here on end because clearly, it has shown a growing propensity to not keep them. It can only promise you that when it does something, it will be done and you will read it. It wishes that it had the time, resources, effort and energy to produce a full scale coverage of tennis but unfortunately, it can only be done as a second gig. Nevertheless, we are here and we will deal with the tennis issues. Anyway, I have also made the decision to stop sending out printable versions to work emails of a certain establishments. Recently some dirty snitch ratted out their fellow co-worker and they got in trouble. Now since we are keeping it realz, I do not need to emphasize the code, “Snitches get stitches!” We are not a violent establishment but we are not above protecting what we have worked ever so dearly for.

Nuff said

Thus, the executive decision was made that RTF will only be available on the blog as well as Facebook. It was a difficult decision especially since those loyal fans were the first fanz. Anyway, hopefully it will encourage them to get online and comment on the blog. RTF does feel sorry for two of its most loyalist fanz BW and ST. You are the best and thanks for the support. You know why this has to be this way. So to the tennis.

There has been no posting since Wimbledon but there were many facebook activities. One should really check us out on facebook.  With the US Open starting tomorrow or today (better late than never) there are only two real names that the reporters will be throwing up, Novak “D’Joker Harlequeen/D’Juggernaut” Djokovic (apparently the D is silent and it is Joke not Jock. Was informed of this by a native Serb himself. Thanks MB) The other person is Serena “Serenanator” Williams. These two players have really shown themselves to be the top contenders for the Open title. You may hear all sorta bylines and side stories but the real truth is that these two divas have the momentum behind them and they are more than willing, able and ready for the challenge.

The Clear number 1

On the men’s side. D’Joker clearly is the man to beat. Yes I know he pulled out of Cincinnati in the finals against Lochness Monster but he really did not need to play or even win the title. He claimed fatigue and that gave Lochness Monster the victory. Harelequeen has won 2 majors for the year, broken the spirit of Divadal, technically has one lost against Mr. Federer who he does not have to really worry about because Mr. Federer seems unable to make it past the quarterfinals of any tournament these days and D’Joker dismantled the Scotsman at the Aussie Open finals. I assure you, D’Joker is not afraid of anyone on tour. He has absolutely nothing to fear but himself. Jim Courier, multiple major winner has said that the victory at Cincinnati has made the Lochness Monster the clear favourite for the US Open. Absolute madness. Murray might not get past the quarterfinals as there are too many men outside of the top 4 who can beat him. He has Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy and Robin Hood Soderling floating around in his quarter so things are not an easy road for him. Then he potentially has Divadal in the semis. And even if he gets to the finals, he has yet to win a set in the three major finals he has reached. So I doubt it very much so that he will win this US Open. However, miracles do happen but RTF thinks the Lochness Monster will need to become Puff the Magic Dragon to win this title.

I am a total headcase that's why I cannot win a major

So, no surprise RTF is claiming that D’Joker is going to win this one. But what about our favourite son Mr. Federer? Now you know we can never forget about him. We are rooting for him all the way. However, we are realistic about his chances. There is no doubt about it that Mr. Federer has one of the best records at the open. Since 2004, he has made it to the semifinals or better winning it 5 times out of 6 finals. So he clearly knows how to play on the hard courts of New York. However, he has been seeing a steady decline as of late. He’s 30 not that one need to be ashamed of that number but he is clearly coming to the tournament with the same bag of tricks that everyone knows and seen before. However, he is still clearly the number 3 player in the world. He has to watch out for Baby Ali who beat him twice this year included at Wimbledon where Mr. Federer uncharacteristically blew a two-set to love lead or Mardy the former Whale in the quarters.

What had happen was that...I am getting old

The American, ranked 8th in the world (also the highest ranked American) won the US Open series by a massive margin by 60 points ahead of D’Joker. Once as agile as an elephant, Fish now moves like a gazelle on court and he is hungry like a lion for a major title. He has been eerily close to beating a major player for a title and he can definitely cause an upset. However, the problem for Fish and the men on tour is that to win a major you have to beat 3 of the top 4 players. At the very least, you have to beat 2. In Fish’s case, he has to beat Mr. Federer then D’Joker and possibly Mr. Divadal or Lochness Monster. Unfortunately Fish does not have the talent, breath or the experience to accomplish this task. There’s a reason why three men have won 25 of the last 26 majors. It will be a miracle of a miracle to expect that the top four will just crash out early of any major clearing the way for some unheralded player. He is officially a skinny bitch and he is working the court like no body’s business.

Look at me, I am so skinny that I can hug myself

I think the last person to mention really is Mr. Divadal. Now, Mr. Divadal has taken some serious blows this year. He only won the French and has been handled savagely by D’Juggernaut. He is all over the place mentally and is struggling to keep focus. He burnt his fingers at some Japanese restaurant and has been screaming about how that’s affecting his play etc. You know the usual antics of a primadonna. Anyway, the US Open has traditionally been his worse major but he figured it out last year and hopes to repeat but Mr. Divadal is really all out of sorts coming into this major. He has been running scared since he got beat at Rome by D’Joker. He was so happy Mr. Federer defeated him at the French because he would have surely forfeited that title. He said that he did not lose his number 1 ranking but D’Joker won it. Divadal has shown himself to be vulnerable at the majors especially with his nagging injuries. But he is one to always play on injury antics to get sympathy. He has been on the David Letterman Show trying to sell his book and has cleaned up his look giving this new preppy image. It is really laughable because Divadal is one of most socially awkward top ranked player ever. He always has this perpetual look of fear and pending doom on his face. Nevertheless all that does not matter as he can really play tennis and it is the tennis he wants to speak for him.

You wurk it gurl... You strut your stuff

Now, there are other players who might crop up here and there, Mr. Brooklyn Decker (Andy Roddick), Uncle Lurch (Tomas Berdych) Soderling like I said before and Fiery Ferrer, oh of course 2009 US Open champion Beast Boy Del Potro but really and truly the ranking speaks for itself. D’Joker Harlequeen is the likeliest to win then Divadal then Mr. Federer and then Lochness Monster. Everyone, really have to settle for semifinal prize money at best because they are not winning this thing.

The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse.... I think they might be just in the right order of who can win this thing but we shall see

Mr. Brooklyn Decker needs a good tournament because he has been fizzing like a popped balloon

But he needs to go get his wife first though... she's looking like a hot mess, BUT that ring is bigger than her eyes..HOLY FCUK

When it comes to the ladies, things are a lil bit more complicated. The draw is essentially wide open, the experts say but I am saying that it’s wide for the Serenanator and her massive booty to walk on through it and get herself her 14th major as Kim Clijster aka Mommie Dearest is out with an abdominal strain. The Serenanator since her year’s lapse has come back with a vengeance. She was seemingly out of sorts at Wimbledon but since then has proven herself to be unbeatable. She has not lost a match since late June I think though she pulled out of a Cincinnati before her 2nd round match. She won titles in California and Canada dismantling her opponents including Marian Fatoli the lil cow who beat her at Wimbledon…revenge is a dish best served cold. She is the winner of the US Open series like I said before and can potentially win the bonus 1 million dollars if she were to wins the US Open.

She's number 1 and there's no disputing that

She has been playing magnificent tennis and since she is seeded 28th at these Championships and her sister Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams who is unseeded, we are looking at potential drama throughout. The Serenanator is set to meet Azarenka in the 3rd round who she lightly dispatched in Canada. It was a beat down and I was ready to cry for Azarenka. There will be much talk about the last time the Serenanator was at the open she cursed out the lineswoman but people forget that she left NYC that week a winner, having secured the doubles title with her sister. There’s no need to hash up that madness but you know Americans hate the American Williams Sisters and will surely be having that on display to get the crowd against them. Watch see if people not rooting for their opponents.

It's about to get nasty up in here!

However, when Fed Cup time comes around, the Americans are crying for the Williams Sisters to play. These people are just disgusting. Anyway, the sisters are on opposite sides of the draw so they cannot meet until the finals. Ebony Starr Williams has one of the best records if not the best record at the open. She has never lost before the Round of 16 and been to the semis or better on more occasions than not. However, her two titles were back in 2000 and 2001. She is definitely dude for a win here for sure but being unseeded means she has to play a lot tough opponents early and has played no matches since Wimbledon so she comes in at another major, rusty. She could face a hard serving/hitting Sabine Lisicki in the 2nd round. So she definitely has her hands full but she is an experienced player so I am not worried about her nor am I putting my hopes on her. I want her to win but I have been down this road too many times to fall for that trap again. I wish her the best and will be overjoyed if she were to win this title again.

I hope she doesn't have some hot mess hair style underneath that visor because I will not be holding back the hate

Now this is far from being a one lady draw as there are definitely some players who can cause trouble. French Open champion Li Na is lurking and having made it to two major finals for the year, she definitely knows her way around these tournaments. Petra Kvitova, recent Wimbledon Champion is also about and could face Shriekapova in the quarterfinals. Shriekapova who just won Cincinnati is brimming with confidence. However, that ridiculous serve of hers will make her life very complicated at the Open, the players all know to stick it to her. Fatoli is a dark horse and she has been playing well at majors as of late and D’Stove Stosur from Australia also has a very outside chance as does Fivehead Jankovic and Azarenka.

Shriekapova. I have to say that she really got ProActiv because that face use to be bubbling over in acne.

Oh yeah I almost forgot that the top two players, Caroline Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit and number 2 Vera Zvonareva can also win the title. They have both made it to the finals in 2009 and 2010 respectively and put on very poor performances. They will definitely like to change those fortunes and win their first major title. However, we know that Vera is going to break down long before that even happens and Wozniacki not only does she not have the game to win a major, it seems her head is elsewhere running around the place with Ireland’s Rory Mcilroy, 2011 US Open Golf Champion.

I know that look...she got ballz on her mind and it certainly ain't tennis.

So she cannot win a major so she goes out and find a man who has one. Major winner by proxy? You got some crumbs you lil biscuit. Now, you know I am not a hater of love but athletes have to learn to keep their private affairs private. Happy Gilmore is all over her matches and she is grinning like a hyena. Meanwhile she crashed out of two tier one tournaments in the first round this summer. She just won New Haven for the 4th year in a row but that was against a mostly minor field (She did beat Schiavone who loves the US Open incidentally). She has yet to beat the top players on a consistent basis something that she needs to do in order to win a major. The Danish Biscuit seems to be more concerned about getting some Irish crème filling for her biscuit instead of getting a bloody kill shot for the court. Her forehand is predictable and a massive liability. She can barely get aces and does not possess massive groundstrokes to beat you from the baseline.

Most certainly daddy is not feeling his son in law.

Anyway, we not going to carry on with this point for much longer because there will be more stuff to talk about later. So if you get to the end of this piece just know that I am picking D’Joker Harlequeen and the Serenanator as the winners of this year’s US Open.

God this is too easy. So this is Cody Simpson from Australia. He's suppose to be the new teenage heartthrob?? Seriously? Teenage girls find this sexually appealing. He was rehearsing here for the Arthur Ashe Kids' Day that did not happen because of rain.

The Witch obliterates the Banshee

In Caroline Wozniacki, Maria Sharapova, Petra Kvitova, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka, Wimbledon on July 2, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Well in this magical finals the Witch was up against the ever screaming Banshee and did the witch ever overcome that obstacle. I know people thought I was being crazy but I knew that Petra Kvitova (was told that it is suppose to be  pronounced kuh-VIT-uh-vuh) would be winning her first major this year over Maria Shriekapova at Wimbledon. And The Grand High Witch did so in fine style. Petra took out Maria 6-3 6-4 with her fat jelly belly roll and all. Kvitova now stands in the land of giants with other great Czech players Martina Navratilova and Jana Navotna who won 9 and 1 Wimbledon titles respectively.

Wimbledon 2011 Ladies Champion Petra Kvitova (Grand High Witch) of Czech Republic

The match started out and Shriekapova not known for her serve elected to let the Czech serve first. It was a wise move as Kvitova was broken. It seemed that Maria was on her way to a steamroller. However, in the next game, Maria’s major weakness was apparent for all the world to see as Petra broke back. I have to say that I watched the warmup before the match and Petra was moving her feet around, staying loose. However, Maria was a stiff as a board. She was not moving lithely at all and I knew then that she was move than beatable; she was “dismantable” Kvitova held serve her next service game and would later break in the 6th game to go up 4-2. This almost had the same feel of Shriekapova vs the Serenanator in 2004 with the Russian being the young upstart. However, back then Serenanator was not in the best of shape as she had just come off injury. Anyway, Shriekapova was on the defense for the rest of the set and lost it 3-6 as Kvitova took a 1-set to love lead.

Have to catch her breath...Shriekapova looked all out of sorts

The first set in the bag, half way to banishing this banshee. Maria was not ready for this jelly at all

The second set was more of the same as Maria could not hold serve as she double faulted on break point. It is her achilles tendon and she has yet to work on this problem. I was happy hear that her fans have stopped using the shoulder surgery as excuse because the real issue is that Shriekapova’s toss is way too high, upsetting her timing, she has poor technique and it mostly seem like a hope and a prayer in the night to get it in. The Witch was merely picking her spots as to where she wanted to cast her spells.

Sasha Vujacic trying to cheer his ladyfriend on...That's what every girl needs and some type of guys too, a HOT man in their corner

Banshee will not go quietly into the night

However, this is Shriekapova we are talking about and she will not go down without a fight. She will scream and screech her way to a win and for a moment it seemed that she was on her way to doing this. Shriekapova had not dropped a set throughout the tournament unlike her opponent and everyone felt that with her experience and her tenacity, she was going to put up a fight and in the end, she would be the victress. The witch had other ideas though. Shriekapova broke back and was level at 3-3 all in the 2nd set but GHW broke back immediately to go up 4-3. She held serve and was up 5-3. She was just a game away from her first Wimbledon title, from her first major win and for the first time in over 3 years, a young gal under 26 winning Wimbledon. Kvitova allowed the Banshee to show herself but not winning a point off her serve. Shriekapova held serve at love but was still down 4-5. Interestingly enough she got quiet around this time.

Sorry, that was not me screaming out a while ago...I would never do such a flip

With two massive lefty forehand, a serve into the body and an ACE in her FACE, Kvitova had won Wimbledon 6-3 6-4 making her only the 3rd person since 2000 whose last name was not Williams to have taken the grass court title.

Holding up the Venus Dishwater Trophy

Itch you need to step back, you trying to steal my shine...I banish you. I am not joking. Does it look like I am joking?

Thank you very much you noisy nuisance

Hopefully Kvitova can start contending for majors. Who would have thought that Kvitova would be winning her first major over the likes of Fivehead (Jankovic), Danish Biscuit (Wozniacki) and CVera Zvonareva. Good luck for the rest of the year Kvitova, just don’t get any ideas in your head about stopping the Williams Sisters from shining because they need to be back in winner’s row. However, I congratulate you on doing an absolutely tremendous job. I knew you had it in you. Wonderful that you held your nerves and played a really great match. You beat my girl AzaRANKa but you stepped up to the plate and took your chances. Congratulations again from RTFN.

Wetter Wimbledon 2011: Day 5

In Andrea Petkovic, Andy Murray, Andy Roddick, David Ferrer, Francesca Schiavone, Jo-Wilfred Tsonga, Mikhail Youzhny, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Tsvetana Pironkova, Venus Williams, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka, Wimbledon on June 25, 2011 at 6:19 am

Day 5 again brought the rain and play was again halted and eventually suspended. Nonetheless there was action on the courts and much of it was magnificent indeed. For the ladies, Victoria Azarenka was sloppy in her win over Daniela Hantuchova who had seemed poised to do well here as she had good results in the very short grass court season prior to the start of Wimbledon. However, we all know she is a big ole flop and never worth betting on. Maria Shriekapova had another local favourite challenger in the form of Laura Robson of Great Britain who seemed on her way to an upset as she raced to a 4-1 lead in the first set but again she faltered and was sent packing as the Russian Banshee won in straight sets.

That's not a relax look on Shriekapova's face. She's clueless as she is about to play up at net. She's not even watching the ball.

Ebony Starr Williams was twinkling in her match against Spain’s Maria Jose Martinez-Sanchez. Ebony Starr came out blistering as she surrendered only 2 games 6-0 6-2. However, she next faces Tsetvana Pironkova who has twice knocked her out of a major including last year’s Wimbledon. Pironkova ranked in the top 30’s is a mostly C level player but ever so often she can come up with some brilliant and bothersome tennis. She is left handed so she can give you a lot of junk ball. She already dismantled the #2 seed in Vera Zvonereva in straight sets 6-2 6-3. Vera is going to lose all those points she won last year having made it to the finals.

Ebony, how about we put this outfit in a fitted plastic bag and never let it out again?

I am sorry this thing is just atrocious. It's an old lady's pant suit. You know it is made of lace right. I mean it looks like someone cut up a bloody tablecloth and sewn together by animals a la Cinderella.

Meanwhile Danish Biscuit, raced to the 3rd round as her match was delayed due to rain and Marion Bartoli aka Gloria the Hippo aka La Petite Grosse and I am also liking Fatoli or even Fatrolli or BarTROLLi (I am really sorry I am not really trying to be very mean but every time I look at Bartoli she just never give me the sense she washes up)…I think that is too much even for the Hippo to carry. Anyway, the point of me mentioning her is that she won her 2nd round match. She took out Dominguez of Spain in 3 sets. Gloria is a big gurl and she is a hard worker. So she might be making some noise in London. Let’s not forget that she made it to the finals in 2007 knocking out…demolishing the then in great form Justine Cheating Henin. However, she met Ebony Starr Williams in the finals and well ES won her 4th Wimbledon crown.

Well slap me silly and call me Suzie, here is Gloria looking all cleaned up! Well I am going to say it, you look very nice indeed. You could have chosen a different dress to bring out the girls a bit more but I understand your effort to be modest.

Yanina Wickmayer of Belgium is trying to carry the flag for her country as Mommie Dearest was forced to pull out of Wimbledon with ankle injury. So Yanina who I swears looks more like a Yannick took out another androgynous being in the like of Svetlana Kuznetsova aka Boynetsova aka Kuzi-Rex…I rather like Kuzi-Rex.

Tell me she doesn't look like a dinosaur? Kuzi-Rex

Andrea Petkovic another ladyboy, lost which can be seen as somewhat of an upset. She is one of those young guns who everyone predicts can win a major soon or at least contend. I, on the other hand, just find her bloody annoying especially with that stupid dance she does when she wins a match. I am always happy when someone takes her out so as I do not have to see her moving around on court like some goobling turkey. She lost in straight sets to another up and coming Russian Ksenia Pervak or something like that. Never heard of her before but I guess I have now. Anyhow, quietly moving through the draw is another Russian, Nadia Fatrova. She can be problematic when she wants to but mostly she loses when the stakes are high. I think that is about it for the ladies….Oh yeah… Schiabone was locked in a battle against Austrian Tamira Paszek. It seems that it is not a major unless Schiabone finds herself in some long arduous match. Apparently she forgets that she is old. She does have this ability to pull out a win in these matches, which fuels her for the rest of the tournament and she is slowly making herself a name to contend with at majors. However, I think this luck will soon run out because I really hate to hear her make those ridiculous grunting sounds on court as if she is suffering from TB; this weird wheezing rattling sound. Nonetheless, if it gets here through the point, let her do it.

By the way, there has been much talk about the “grunting” in tennis and I have a lot to say about it but not going to go into all that right now. However, I will say that I do not give a flying fcuk about what they are doing on court. They can grunt as long and hard as they want to. It really is not that serious. This whole new talk of talking about the “grunting in tennis” is rather sexist and ridiculous. The argument is largely skewed to one side; the women.

Men grunt all the time. Mr. Divadal, Harlequeen, Gustavo Kuerten etc. They are always grunting but whenever the talk of grunting comes up, they are always citing female players. It is rather ridiculous. Wimbledon is talking about banning grunting altogether. Let them try. I swear I will organize a boycott.

See, I did not want to go on about it just now but it really infuriates me every time I hear the topic come up for discussion. It is stupid. Humans always make noise/sounds whenever exerting great effort. I think part of the issue has to do with sex, not in terms of gender but in terms of intercourse. Notice whenever the topic of grunting comes up it is mostly men who are talking of banning it and they point to women especially ladies like Victoria Azarenka and Maria Shriekapova. The thing is that they are imagining sexual intercourse because it is during that activity that women make “these ridiculous” sounds (So I have heard and seen on television) The idea of women’s sexual liberation frightens most men. They hate to think that a woman is getting off without them. Hence why they really hate lesbians especially the Rosie O’Donnell kind and constantly say stupid shite like “Portia di Rossi just needs a stiff c….wait a minute, this blog has a mostly PG13 rating. Don’t want to step it up just now.) Notice that “straight” porn always has a lesbian scene and the sex is orchestrated by men for the enjoyment of men. The implication is always given that the “lesbians” are not munching on carpets or as my mama says “licking swallow plate” because they want to, it is because they are “made” to. There are never any gay male scenes in “straight porn” despite the fact that a lot allegedly straight men engage in some type of homosexual behavior (THEY DO) AND a lot of “gay porn stars” are in fact “straight” with wives and everything; gay for pay they call it….I always thought that you were a hooker when you are being paid for sex hmmm…(Meanwhile stupid fools like me, doing it for free) The ladies who are “grunting” are sounding very sexual indeed and they are being aggressive, take charge and getting it on. They are also very very stylish, in fashion and revered as sexual idols but they always in full control of their own “orgasms.” This is driving men and by that I mean “heterosexual men” crazy it seems. No one dares tell Lebron James to “shut the fcuk up” when he is on court. I heard one critic cite Roger Federer as being the example for players who do not “grunt.” First off Mr. Federer does make sounds on court and secondly, there is a lot of things Mr. Federer “does do” that others do not, par example, he does not sweat and his hair is never ever EVER out of place. It is almost as if he can command the winds. Anyway, I think I have said enough about the subject for now. All I want to say is let the women be. If it is wasting energy, it is their energy. If you find it annoying, either just deal or go home and watch the match on a muted television. I mean seriously, I swear some people really need to add more fiber or perhaps add laxative to their diet because they are back up and shit just flowing upwards to their mouths instead of out their @$$; verbal diarrhea. But then again, I really think there are people whose @$$holes are below their noses.

Fancy Free FeFe Lopez.

Anyway to the menz’s action on Day 5. Feliciano Lopez ex boyfriend of Mr. Divadal took out Mr. Brooklyn Decker in straight sets 7-6 7-6 7-4. It was a rather clean match between the two with a combination of 23 errors, Lopez only making 7 throughout the entire match. However, I think that is mostly because both players are big servers and win a lot of points on serve. Anyway, I have to say that I am thoroughly disappointed with Mr. Brooklyn Decker because I am sick and tired of seeing him bouncing out early at majors. Since his runner up at Wimbledon in 2009 (An absolutely epic match), he has played 7 majors and only made it past the 4th round once and that was only to the quarterfinals where he lost. Besides the French Open, Mr. Brooklyn Decker’s game is well suited for all the other surfaces and has made it to at least the semis to each of them on several occasions. His service is rock solid and yet he finds himself in tie breaks and losing the set. (He only won 4 points during the tie breaks in his lost to Lopez).

Another dejected Mr. Brooklyn Decker. There is something odd about this picture... Can someone tell me why?

I swear Andy is a jock of the worst kind. This is the same nonsense that happened to him last year at Wimbledon when he went out to Lu of Taiwan. When will he learn that he needs to be more aggressive on his return game. He can afford to take chances then especially since he is virtually guaranteed to hold his own serve. Andy when I say take chances, I do not mean to rush to net because we know how disastrous those efforts have been for you in the past. If you keep chipping away at your opponents’ game, eventually you will get that break, which is exactly what Lopez did to you. There were only 3 breaks of serves in the match, two of which were neutralized as they came in the 1st, there was none in the 2nd set and Lopez had the lone crucial break in the 3rd. I know I am always hating on Mr. Decker but you know I only hate judiciously and I really do think that he is far from being the model of mediocrity that he has lately taken up with being.

Rumour has it that Judy Murray, Mama Lochness Monster calls the Spaniard Deliciano Lopez; that ole cougar! But gurl, we ain't mad at you at all. You got taste but we are going to call him FeFe here okay. Deliciano sounds like a stripper name and well we are classy here in these parts and don't consort with strippers. Nevertheless, they say the proof is tasting and I am not going to lie, I would take me a bite of this any day.

There's the Cougar...Cougy Judy

Anyway, Lochness Monster had some issues with Ivan Ljubicic a dangerous floater from Croatia but pulled through in 4 sets. He was very much on the brink of going into a 5th set but pulled it out. In other wins, Bernard Tomic of Australia took out Igor Andreev, boyfriend of Maria Kirilenko in 5 sets. Tomic was down 2 sets to love and pulled it out. It should be noted that Tomic is a qualifier. Jurgen Melzer of Austria took out Dmitry Tursanov, the Russian American in 4 sets in a carried over match. I really do think Wimbledon have to figure out a way to deal with the rain delays because it is really hard especially on the men to have to play one match over several days and then come back the next day to play the next round. They have to play best of 5 sets. That’s really difficult on bodies and minds. Richard Gasquet took out Italian Simone Bolleli who saw his luck ran out.

Lochness Monster lurking out in the deep

Anyway, these were for the most part, the only matches completed as rain came pouring down. Lurch who was in full control of the match against American Alex Bogomolove Jr, saw his match delayed as did Mr. Divadal who had just won the first set in a tie break against Gilles Muller, the last person whose name is not Mr. Federer to beat him here. In 2005, lefty Muller handled Divadal in the 2nd round. Since then, however, Muller was been forgotten and Divadal has made it to the finals or better at Wimbledon. Beetlejuice is also locked in a battle with Lukas Kubot of Poland I think (too lazy to check…it’s either Poland or Czech Republic…I have to check…yeah, he is from Poland) Anyway, they are all tied at a set a piece, 3 games all deuce!. LOL I say they both have an equal chance of winning on Day 6. Anyway, that’s it for Day 5. I wanted to make a combination of Days 5 and 6 but it seems I really went on a tangent so I have to split them up I think.

Mrs. Lochness Monster, though slimmer than Mrs. Federer, I say Mirka got the fashion thing down better than this one. Where did she get this frock from and is that curtain drapes lace trimming? And seriously, you need to stuff that frock into that bag and stuff that into a garbage. You get a big E for Egregious!

Is that Ronald Weasley?? He looks really dirty. Tergeo! Should do the trick

She not serious right? I mean I understand wanting to hide that ridiculously ugly top looking like someone attacked her with a bouquet of flowers but she does she have a winter coat on in June?

Anyone care for a meal? A side of ham?

How about some sushi?

How about some dessert? A banana split with a cherry on top

I am almost choking myself as I clutch my "pearls" at how beyond common this is; just simply base level. I think the Indians call them "Untouchables" I am so happy they at least have the decency to hide their faces


Wurk it!

My My, I think we have a tranny on tour


WOW you have a lot of cheek and nerves to be exposing your ballz like that

Ah young love.

My endless love

Ah sorry... there's no sex on the Center Court room okay.....Mr. Divadal fix your face. You're in mixed company