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Posts Tagged ‘Australian Open’

Aus Open 2016: Fashion Run Afoul Down Under

In Andreas Seppi, Australian Open on January 17, 2016 at 11:36 pm

Hey all you Realz Fanz, I am sure you are excited about the beginning of the 2016 major season which gets under way with the Australian Open in Melbourne. I am kinda excited though I am not keyed up as I would have been in recent years. I have long accepted the fact that Roger Federer and Venus Williams, my TOP FAVES are not going to win slams … well unlikely to win. However,  I am looking forward to seeing some brilliant and inspiring tennis on court during the next two weeks. 

As always myself and the lovely ladies in Andreen (@A_Gallivant) and Janina (@JLR78) break down both the men and women’s draws. You can take a listen below either on YouTube or on Podbean. 

On Podbean as well

However, the reason for this post is not to discuss tennis per se but to really get into the fashion of the tennis players. Now seriously, I have been following professional tennis for a LONG LONG LONG time and for the life of me, I do not understand how rich young people with amazing bodies commit so many acts of fashion suicide. These young rich folks appear to be have been styled by the Fashion Institute for the Blind or their worst enemy. In my mind, I think at times, it has to be that they are deliberately looking ridiculous so as to piss me off.

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Anyway, the players, a select group I imagine, went to the IMG players’ party and it was a virtual shit show in this fashion. As always, I am right there to hand out grades and constructive criticism. I truly pray that these folks would consult me before going out ever again. 

When it comes to the menz, I really cannot give them a grade. It is so easy for them to be honest. I only give out grades if they are absolutely horrendous. 

I'm done talking about Kei and his teeth. He needs to take a million of that $60+ million from Uniqlo and get them chompers in order. This is UNACCEPTABLE

I’m done talking about Kei and his teeth, or lack there of. He needs to take a million of that $60+ million from Uniqlo and get them chompers in order. This is UNACCEPTABLE

Meanwhile, it seems that Kei is heading to a college frat party

Meanwhile, it seems that Kei is heading to a college frat party

And so is FeFe Lopez

And so is FeFe Lopez

This is a really bad angled photo but it is them jeans that I am having issues with. What the hell is going on with that zipper ... #creepy

This is a really bad angled photo but it is them jeans that I am having issues with. What the hell is going on with that zipper … #creepy

Did they all shop at the same place. I cannot even look at Harrison and them grandfather shoes. No need to ask, we all know Ryan is heading to the same frat party

Did they all shop at the same place. I cannot even look at Harrison and them grandfather shoes. No need to ask, we all know Ryan is heading to the same frat party. By the way Ryan, one bit of advice, “Fitted Jeans”!! 

Apparently, Heather is just one of the guys. I don't understand what's happening here. This has to be the "before picture" and we have to wait for the "after picture" when she is ready.

Apparently, Heather is just one of the guys. I don’t understand what’s happening here. This has to be the “before picture” and we have to wait for the “after picture” when she is ready.

Divadal, your personality is supposed to be whimsical and not your hair. Surely, it is time to talk to your doctors about Rogaine or whatever else is new in the men's hair loss treatment department.

Divadal, your personality is supposed to be whimsical, not your hair. Surely, it is time to talk to your doctors about Rogaine or whatever else is new in the men’s hair loss treatment department.

As per the norm, Divadal looks uncomfortable as fuck! BUT the outfit looks really nice on him. I love the shades of blue

As per the norm, Divadal looks uncomfortable as fuck! BUT the outfit looks really nice on him. I love the shades of blue

I was ready to rip into Kyle here but then I realized that I never see him at these events. Astronauts (players on the satellite and challenger circuits) don't get invited to these premiere events.  So he gets a pass as this was clearly his first time and he surely is the guest of a guest. Kyle, I won't be so kind next time.

I was ready to rip into Kyle here but then I realized that I never see him at these events. Astronauts (players on the satellite and challenger circuits) don’t get invited to these premiere events. So he gets a pass as this was clearly his first time and he surely is the guest of a guest. Kyle, I won’t be so kind next time.

David Ferrer looks all right! He doesn't look bad but it is a very safe choice. I cannot hate on him too much here at all.

David Ferrer looks all right! He doesn’t look bad but it is a very safe choice. I cannot hate on him too much here at all.

Clearly someone did not explain to Seppi that this players' event was not being held in the locker room. And they say Italians have great fashion sense!

Clearly someone did not explain to Seppi that this players’ event was not being held in the locker room. And they say Italians have great fashion sense!

Look at the French showing you how it is done! #HubertforHusband He just exudes absolute charm and quiet sex appeal.

Look at the French showing you how it is done! #HubertforHusband He just exudes absolute charm and quiet sex appeal.

Of course it goes without saying that my main man Samuel Groth knows how to impress at outings. I never let my man go out looking like a mess. Meanwhile that lil hussy Josh Gibson was trying to angle in on my property but I had to let him know that Sam Space is already occupied #backoffbitch

Of course it goes without saying that my main man Samuel Groth knows how to impress at outings. I never let my man go out looking like a mess. Meanwhile that lil hussy Josh Gibson was trying to angle in on my property but I had to let him know that Sam Space is already occupied #backoffbitch

I perhaps never say it often ... in fact, I don't think I have never said it before, Maria is beautiful. Just looking ravishing and radiant in this photo

I perhaps never say it often … in fact, I don’t think I have never said it before, Maria is beautiful. Just looking ravishing and radiant in this photo

For once she isn't accentuating her "manish" shoulders. This outfit I think works very well. The colours, the length, her hair and makeup are #flawless. Maria you get an A+

For once she isn’t accentuating her “manish” shoulders. This outfit I think works very well. The colours, the length, her hair and makeup are #flawless. Maria you get an A+

Meanwhile, is this a silent protest from the Russian again her motherland's draconian homophobic laws. I see her dress and all I am thinking about is marriage equality.

Meanwhile, is this a silent protest from the Russian again her motherland’s draconian homophobic laws. I see her dress and all I am thinking about is marriage equality.

Hmmm I kinda indifferent to Pliskova's look right now. Karo, you get an M for Meh

Hmmm I kinda indifferent to Pliskova’s look right now. Karo, you get an M for Meh

Apparently, in her post career life, LiNaLi is the WTA secretary? Why gurl? WHY?? That red lipstick is too RED, you're looking clownish and you need some powder for your face as it is too shiny or sweaty but I am gonna say "shiny". That skirt length needs to be CHOPPED. Show those legs. Unbutton one of those buttons on the blouse and let that hair down. Those shoes aren't right but I am going to give you a C+ because you are somebody's mother now.

Apparently, in her post career life, LiNaLi is the WTA secretary? Why gurl? WHY?? That red lipstick is too RED, you’re looking clownish and you need some powder for your face as it is too shiny or sweaty but I am gonna say “shiny”. That skirt length needs to be CHOPPED. Show those legs. Unbutton one of those buttons on the blouse and let that hair down. Those shoes aren’t right but I am going to give you a C+ because you are somebody’s mother now.

Genie, why is your hair looking a mess right now? What were you doing before this shot??

Genie, why is your hair looking a mess right now? What were you doing before this shot??

This outfit clearly deserves an A if only we were talking about tennis kit. But as it is an evening wear, I'm gonna have to give this a D-. It fits but it certainly doesn't flatter

This outfit clearly deserves an A if only we were talking about tennis kit. But as it is an evening wear, I’m gonna have to give this a D-. It fits but it certainly doesn’t flatter

Victoria "Vika" Azarenka. What in the name of fashion is this fucking mess? You look RIDICULOUS. I cannot even give you an F. That's too high a grade for this shit.

Victoria “Vika” Azarenka. What in the name of fashion is this fucking mess? You look RIDICULOUS. I cannot even give you an F. That’s too high a grade for this shit.

WTF? WTMFF is this garbage. She looks like she cut up some eccentric nurses' scrubs and added the belt and the shoes thinking the ensemble would look cute. Azarenka, honey, YOU LOOK BAD. You get an H for Horrendous

WTF? WTMFF is this garbage. She looks like she cut up some eccentric nurses’ scrubs and added the belt and the shoes thinking the ensemble would look cute. Azarenka, honey, YOU LOOK BAD. You get an H for Horrendous

I almost think that she looked better her than at this party.

I almost think that she looked better her than at this party.

A funny thing happened to Serena on her way to the players' party. She misheard and thought it was a "dance party". She looks ready to drop it like it's hot. Serena you know I am going to have to get on your for that weave/wig and them eyebushes gurl. We need to do better boo!!

A funny thing happened to Serena on her way to the players’ party. She misheard and thought it was a “dance party”. She looks ready to drop it like it’s hot. Serena you know I am going to have to get on your for that weave/wig and them eyebushes gurl. We need to do better boo!!

Madison apparently is apparently locked up in fashion hell and don't have a clue or keys to get out. This looks so bad, I think Vika looks better. Them shoes are WRONG, murdering her toes and sweety what is going on with the dress? The colour, the form, the fit, your breasts are hanging out. Why? WHY?

Madison apparently is locked up in fashion hell and don’t have a clue or keys to get out. This looks so bad, I think Vika looks better. Them shoes are WRONG, murdering her toes and sweety what is going on with the dress? The colour, the form, the fit, your breasts are hanging out. Why? WHY?

Someone couldn't give you some make up to fix this. How you checked yourself in a mirror and thought it was all okay to go out like this? I have no choice for to give this an F for a fucking fail

Someone couldn’t give you some make up to fix this. How you checked yourself in a mirror and thought it was all okay to go out like this? I have no choice for to give this an F for a fucking fail

So BMS didn't have time to change as practice and just showed up like this after getting off the courts.

So BMS didn’t have time to change as practice and just showed up like this after getting off the courts.

Again another newbie. I wanna say so much but I am hoping that we learns from this experience and do better for Wimbledon.

Again another newbie. I wanna say so much but I am hoping that we learns from this experience and do better for Wimbledon.

Everything is nice but somehow it just does not work for me overall. Her hair is right, dress form its colour and everything are great. However, she just looks off in it altogether like it does not belong to her.

Everything is nice but somehow it just does not work for me overall. Her hair is right, dress form its colour and everything are great. However, she just looks off in it altogether like it does not belong to her. However, I have to give her a solid B+

Pavs looks great here but the pose is all wrong. I mean she looks good for her usual self.

Pavs looks great here but the pose is all wrong. I mean she looks good for her usual self. Body make up boo for those tan lines

This used to be Pavy's usual getup at these events. So we have to give credit where credit is due. She gets a solid C for this.

This used to be Pavy’s usual getup at these events. So we have to give credit where credit is due. She gets a solid C for this.

I am not sure about it. Cute top but those pants do not work. This needed a skirt or a different top. Either way, doesn't really work for me and Svitolina, you get a C-

I am not sure about it. Cute top but those pants do not work. This needed a skirt or a different top. Either way, doesn’t really work for me and Svitolina, you get a C-

I really need someone to explain to me why is it that the Spanish men ALWAYS look right but the ladies ALWAYS look a right mess. Why is Garbine wearing this shit in public? I don't even know where to begin

I really need someone to explain to me why is it that the Spanish men ALWAYS look right but the ladies ALWAYS look a right mess. Why is Garbine wearing this shit in public? I don’t even know where to begin .. First the hair looks like it was just washed with supermarket shampoo; that makeup isn’t flattering; that blouse is for a child not a grown woman: those pants … I think you would find that her grandmother’s couch is missing fabric as it is now her pants: her sandals … #icant

She was doing everything right until she decided to follow her hubby and match him with the white shoes. Why? Why? And I am going to pretend like I am not seeing that purse at all.

She was doing everything right until she decided to follow her hubby and match him with the white shoes. Why? Why? And I am going to pretend like I am not seeing that purse at all.

Thank God for small miracles. Katya baby looks like her and not the daddy# #keepingitrealz

Thank God for small miracles. Katya baby looks like her and not the daddy# #keepingitrealz

They get my vote for the best overall dressed. At least they make no bones about it being all costumes.

They get my vote for the best overall dressed. At least they make no bones about it being all costumes.

RealzTenisFanz is now in your ears!!!

In Podcast on February 24, 2015 at 4:00 pm
Say what now? You got a podcast?

Say what now? You got a podcast? Feelings are going to get hurt!!

Yes folks RealzTenisFanz has moved into a podcast format!!! So we are coming to you as pure undiluted filth for your ears! Listen to me at home, at work, on your way to school or play. Hey, I don’t even care if you listen to me as you’re making love to your boo boo biscuit! Just listen to me and COMMENT Below! CLICK ON THE YOUTUBE VIDEO BELOW

i2h2w

Yeah it is for REALZ! I decided to do a podcast after much prodding from a huge fanz Andreen of Soley Tennis Travels!! So THANK YOU Andreen. It is a bit longer than I thought it would be and it was a bit crazy being in an echo chamber being by myself but I am happy I did it!! Muchas again! For the original fanz out there!! I hope to hear from you and your feedback!!! 

the library is open - read

So we are discussing the major going ons after the Australian Open

i2h4x

I deal with the tournaments after in France, South America, Fed Cup and those in the US. I also talk about the coach change Vickie leaving Sam and Sam getting snatched up by Genie, I talk about Divadal’s Rio antics, Petkovic’s “meltdown” in Dubai and of course the Serenanator’s return to Indian Wells as well as other stories. I hope you enjoy and AGAIN PLEASE COMMENT!!! 

i2h7h

 

 

2015 Australian Open: Day 7 and 8 The Rounds of 16s

In Uncategorized on January 30, 2015 at 11:06 pm
The Aussie Open in the outback??

The Aussie Open in the outback??

Day 7 and Day 8 saw the completion of the entire round of 16 matches. All 16 matches; 8 on the women’s side and 8 on the men’s, were seen on court resulting in the draw finally being in the business end of the tournament: The quarterfinals then semis and finally the final. It is amazing how quickly these two weeks have passed and we are now down to so few players. We had 256 players in the singles draw last Sunday/Monday. Now we are down to 16 after the completion of these two days play.

Let us deal with the women’s:

Genie gurl, we have to put all of this in a bottle and never let it out. We can do better!!!

Genie gurl, we have to put all of this in a bottle and never let it out. We can do better!!!

On Day 7, the bottom half played. Bouchard (7) took on Irina-Camelia Begu and was in dominant fashion having taken the 1st set 6-1 and breaks up in the 2nd. However, she lost her way and allowed Begu back into the match. Begu did not hesitate to take the 2nd 7-5 and forced a 3rd set. Well as she noted after the match, Bouchard went to the bathroom and had a conversation with herself in the mirror, “Genie this is unacceptable!” The Canadian got her life together and took the decisive set and the match 6-1 5-7 6-2. She is through to her 2nd straight Aussie Open quarterfinals. Her opponent, Martha Shriekapova (2) had an easy time against the soft hitting Chinese player, Shuai Peng (21). Peng was merely giving Martha a light practice out on court. She really could do nothing to hurt the Russian in the least. Martha did everything better and it showed as Martha took the match 6-3 6-0.

I got no time for these extras and wenches! I am coming for the Aussie Open crown

I got no time for these extras and wenches! I am coming for the Aussie Open crown

Another Russian who had an easy time of her opponent was Ekaterina Makarova who played Julia Goerges. It was clear that the German was going to be in a lot of trouble against the Russian. First off, Goerges was further in this tournament that she really had a right to be. She has not been in situations like this in a long time and her mental shortcomings have been well documented. Makarova was all over her and got the early leads in the both sets. However, she could not close them out on her serve. That hardly mattered as her lead was so much that she was able to break Goerges on the next game to close it out, 6-3 6-2. Halep (3) will play Makarova in the quarterfinal as the Romanian took out Belgian Yanina Wickmayer. Wickmayer won their previous encounter but this time around, Halep came out ready for her. Halep won 6-4 6-2 and in her 2nd straight Aussie Open quarterfinal.

It looks like she's wearing a tshirt and a handtowel

It looks like she’s wearing a tshirt and a handtowel

The Round of 16 matches on the following day were far more interesting and intriguing on the women side. First up Cibuttkova took on Vickie who is saying that her name is Vika and not Vickie; a lot of people have now taken to call her Vicky/Vickie. Remember you heard it here first peoplez. It was REALZ who started to call her Vickie first! Anyway, gurl, this is RealzTenisFanz, you just have to deal with the name change. Everyone has made the necessary adjustments in their minds and you should be no different. You are just lucky that I generally like you and not shade you with a name like “Red’s Fool” but good thing you dumped that mofo. Anyway, so Vickie was up against Cibuttkova and Vickie started off WELL with a 2-0 lead. However, I am not sure what happened but Cibuttkova worked her way back into the match point by point and reeled off 6-straight game to take the opening set 6-2.

Cibuttkova was swinging left right and centre v Vickie

Cibuttkova was swinging left right and centre v Vickie

This was very impressive bit of tennis because Vickie was looking to boss the point around and take control of the baseline. However, Cibuttkova’s forehand was on like a boiled corn. She was hitting that thing hard and deep, forcing Vickie back in the trenches where she is prone to be more erratic. In the 2nd set, Vickie again started off with a break and this time, she made the necessary adjustments and put Cittbukova on the defensive. She began controlling the rallies and winning the points for her efforts. She took the 2nd set 6-3. In the 3rd set, she again started off with a break but as in the 1st set, she was unable to the lead. Cibuttkova continued to be solid and consistent from the back of the court and making some excellent shots. She would break Vickie one more time and take the match 6-2 3-6 6-3. She too was heading to her 2nd straight Aussie Open quarterfinals.

I must be dreaming!!

I must be dreaming!!

WOW the difference in stature is remarkable!

WOW the difference in stature is remarkable! The bigger they are, the harder they fall

Another big match of the day was Serena taking on Garbine Muguruza (24), the woman who took her out of the French Open last year. This match was heavily built up and one can see why. Muguruza was outplaying  Serena in that 1st set. She was no typical Spanish player willing to grind out a point. Nope Muggy is all about going for her shots and quick 1-2-3 punches. However, in the 2nd set, after taking the 1st set 6-2, Serena turned on the heat. She got her life together and began playing her shots and taking advantages of the MANY BREAK POINT CHANCES she had. There were so many. She took the 2nd set 6-3 and in the 3rd set, Muggy was just DONE! She could not keep up and was looking dusted on points. Serena took it 2-6 6-3 6-2. See Muggy only have strength for Serena but struggles elsewhere yet I think she has the capability of being a top 10 player in the future. But she is well off the plot if she cannot maintain her intensity and play in big matches like this.

Like you really thought you were going to beat me a 2nd time at a major? LOL #Gurlbye

Like you really thought you were going to beat me a 2nd time at a major? LOL #Gurlbye

Another American Madison Keys took on a fellow American Madison Brengle for a place in what would be the first major quarterfinal for either player. And again Keys is showing herself to be very impressive in these big matches. She really handled herself very well again Dellacqua in the 3rd round and now in the 4th round, she kept at it. She took out Brengle 6-2 6-4. She held her mental composure together well in the 2nd set when it became apparent that Brengle was finding her range again. It is very good to see young American talent burgeoning. Keys’ name has been up there for a while and now under the tutelage of Lindsay Davenport, 2000 champion here in Melbourne, she is finally showing great signs of things to come. HOWEVER, time will truly tell. There have been A LOT of players who the same can be said and they have not panned out to this day. But good luck to Keys. However, I wish her luck to run out at this point because she would be facing my main gurl Venus Ebony Starr Williams aka Granny Vee in the quarters.

Madison Keys has found the key to success here in Melbourne so far

Madison Keys has found the key to success here in Melbourne so far

The match du jour had to be Aga v Granny Vee and it was a great win for the American. She came out strong and took the 1st set 6-3. Aga was playing into her hands going for rallies instead of mixing up the shots. Vee was able to stand toe-to-toe with Aga and dictate the terms of the match. In the 2nd set, Granny Vee had to catch her breathe. She got broken early and then got broken again giving Aga the edge. The Pole took the set 6-2 and we all thought that Granny Vee was going to go home. She had a great run nonetheless. Again we lost faith in the legend. It did not help matters that in the 3rd set, she got broken to open the set. Never give up on your champions because Granny Vee Ebony Starr came back to win 6 straight game and take the match 6-3 2-6 6-1. She is back in a major quarterfinals, first time since 2010 US Open. AMAZING.

SHE WASN'T READYYYYY!!

SHE WASN’T READYYYYY!!

Ebony Starr is shining BRIGHTLIKE A DIAMOND

Ebony Starr is shining BRIGHTLIKE A DIAMOND

So the Ladies Quarterfinals are set:

  • Martha Shriekapova (2) v Genie Bouchard (7)
  • Koolaide Halep (1) v Makarova (10)
  • Serenanator (1) v Cibuttkova (11)
  • Granny Vee (18) v Madison Keys
Divadal is so far en pointe at the Aussie Open

Divadal is so far en pointe at the Aussie Open

On the men’s side there was really nothing of consequence to talk about per se. Divadal (3) took on Kevin Anderson (14) and of course he won in straight sets 7-5 6-1 6-4. I mean Anderson cannot even beat Berdych so I cannot imagine that Anderson felt he even had a chance against the likes o Divadal. I am surprised that he even won 5 games in a one set. Nonetheless he did really well for himself to get this far. Up next for Divadal would be the mercurial Tomas Berdych (7) aka Lurch aka Berdshite and soon to be Mr. Satorova (he’s engaged you all) He took on Australia’s Bernard Tomic and again he has showed himself to be in good shape at this event. He got through comfortably 6-2 7-6 6-2. So far I have been really impressed by the Czech and I do not even think he has dropped a set just yet.

Berdych is finding fine form here in Melbourne

Berdych is finding fine form here in Melbourne. Seems like he got his mind, body and game to all work together AS ONE AT THE SAME TIME. Meanwhile, Berdych, I am not seeing any package in your nest. Are you tucking? Are you a grower because you certainly not a shower?

The other two men’s match on this day (Day 7) were far more exciting. Dimitrov was taking on Lochness Murray, the guy who he dismantled at last year’s Australian Open. They split the first two sets but it was surprisingly Lochness Murray who came through in 4 sets, 6-4 6-7 6-3 7-5. I was really surprised because I expected Dimitrov to show more effort but I think he got tired after wasting all the time in the 3rd round v Baghdatis. He had no business at all being in a 5 setter with that scrub. Nonetheless, I would admit that Dimitrov had been looking rather sluggish on court but I figured that that was just his way of conserving energy after he got crushed in Brisbane by Mr. Federer 6-2 6-2.

Lochness Monster is making Melbourne Magic

Lochness Monster is making Melbourne Magic

Lochness Murray would face the lone Aussie left in the draw, Nick Kyrgios aka Kripsy Kringles who faced the man who knocked out Mr. Federer, Andreas Seppi. Seppi took control of the match like he did against Federer from the start. Seppi was up 2-0 sets 7-5 6-4 but I guess the crowd got in his face and he was unable to convert on the match point. Sometimes in tennis, when you blink, you never see straight again. Kyrgios took the match 5-7 4-6 6-3 7-6 8-6. He is through to his first major quarterfinals if I am not mistaken … wait perhaps he got through to Wimbledon’s quarterfinal. Yeah he did, he beat Divadal in the 4th round. How could I have forgotten that? He then lost to Milos if I am not mistaken.  Anyway he is through to his first quarterfinal at his home slam.

Of course Seppi went home in the next round!

Of course Seppi went home in the next round! You’re cute but you GET ZERO sympathy from me as you beat Mr. Federer

The following day for the men’s Round of 16, we had the top half in action and I have to say that I was particularly pleased with a few of the players. Let me first say that Kei Horsikori (5) has taken my advice and decided that quick and efficient is the way to go when it comes to majors. He dismissed Fake Fire Ferrer (9) in straight sets 6-3 6-3 6-3. I cannot ask for a more solid and/or quicker match from the Japanese. Hopefully this spurs him on to greater things here. His opponent would be Stanley (4) whom he took out back in NYC at the US Open in the quarters.  Now it was Stanley’s turn to disappoint me. He has been merrily going along is way here in Melbourne. However, it was Guillermo Garcia-Lopez who was playing the impressive tennis. He was giving Stanley drama on the court. Stanley’s life kept getting complicated and he could not deal for a moment. After taking the first 2 sets 7-6 6-4 with momentum shifting back and forth, Stanley got outplayed in the 3rd set. Garcia-Lopez finally got things together to take the 3rd set 6-4. In the fourth set, they were both playing well so a tiebreaker was needed to decide things. GL was up 6-1 only to let Stanley back into the match to take it. Stanley took it 7-6 6-4 4-6 7-6.

Djoker is still the man to beat here!

Djoker is still the man to beat here!

Djoker (1) was very solid against the hard serving Luxembourger Gilles Muller. Djoker stayed very solid until the crucial later stages of the match and pounced on his opponent. Djoker is through to another quarterfinals here 6-4 7-5 7-5. He will take on Milos Raonic (8) who had his hands full with FeFe Lopez (12) who it looks like is trying to get back his career in the top brackets of the game. He forced it to a 5th set but unfortunately came up short 4-6 6-4 3-6 7-6 3-6. Milos is back into the quarterfinals of the Aussie Open for the 2nd straight year.

FeFe Lopez yet again so close but yet so far from a great major run

FeFe Lopez yet again so close but yet so far from a great major run

Men’s Quarterfinals:

  • Stanley (4) v Kei (5)
  • Djoker (1) v Raonic (8)
  • Divadal (3) v Berdych (7)
  • Lochness Murray (6) v Nick Kyrgios

 THE BIG PICTURE SHOW

This hair part is so EPIC. Meanwhile, Milos is giving me a lot of cuteness right now

This hair part is so EPIC. Meanwhile, Milos is giving me a lot of cuteness right now

Milos is getting featured today

Milos is getting featured today

Even in black and white, Milos is looking cute

Even in black and white, Milos is looking cute

NO you cannot stalk me and NO you cannot have my number

NO you cannot stalk me and NO you cannot have my number

Guillermo Garcia-Lopez can get it

Guillermo Garcia-Lopez can get it

He has a big mouth and loves beef :-)

He has a big mouth and loves beef 🙂

Berdych showing off his body! Meanwhile the lineguy is getting self conscious sucking in his stomach

Berdych showing off his body! Meanwhile the lineguy is getting self conscious sucking in his stomach

Tampomic is showing off

Tampomic is showing off

In case you need to towel off

In case you need to towel off

Thomas Johansson won Aussie Open back in 2002 . Yeah over Safin. Meanwhile, I can't explain what's with this new look

Thomas Johansson won Aussie Open back in 2002 . Yeah over Safin. Meanwhile, I can’t explain what’s with this new look

See I like Kuzi-Rex it is tiedye that I have an issue with. See my philosophy about tiedye is for it to be tie up some place and to die

See I like Kuzi-Rex it is tiedye that I have an issue with. See my philosophy about tiedye is for it to be tie up some place and to die

#icant with this horrid outfit

#icant with this horrid outfit

En garde!

En garde!

As always Kei is stylish in his shotmaking ability

As always Kei is stylish in his shotmaking ability

D for Djoker

D for Djoker

D for Defence

D for Defence

Granny Vee's hair is flowing and moving!!

Granny Vee’s hair is flowing and moving!!

Is that a zit on my chin?

Is that a zit on my chin?

I've fallen and I can't get up

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

Wait, the cat is trying to get out of the bag ...

Wait, the cat is trying to get out of the bag …

He's all about getting her attention with his big sign

He’s all about getting her attention with his big sign

Serena is all "emotionable" by his gesture

Serena is all “emotionable” by his gesture

Plain Jane

Plain Jane

sadas

sadas

Rugged Rose

Rugged Rose

Festive kids

Festive kids

Djoker doing anything to get some attention out there

Djoker doing anything to get some attention out there

We got our pocketbooks in case of any emergencies

We got our pocketbooks in case of any emergencies

What are you hitting at?

What are you hitting at?

Garbine kiss my @$$

Garbine kiss my @$$

Why are you do rude to me Serena?

Why are you do rude to me Serena?

#gurlbye

#gurlbye

Is Rod Laver alive?

Is Rod Laver alive?

I mean check his pulse ...

I mean check his pulse …

Why is being dragged out to Melbourne every year?

Why is being dragged out to Melbourne every year?

Rod Laver and evil queen Margaret Court

Rod Laver and evil queen Margaret Court

Someone check her blood sugar ... ain't no way you're suppose to be eating ice cream with that mean look on your face

Someone check her blood sugar … ain’t no way you’re suppose to be eating ice cream with that mean look on your face

I hope that's liquid Rogaine in that bottle

I hope that’s liquid Rogaine in that bottle

Divadal this is a mess. You were out for months. You should get this dealt with promptly

Divadal this is a mess. You were out for months. You should get this dealt with promptly

It might not look it but there is something rude and suggestive about this photo ... you have an open mouth, two balls in hand and an extended middle finger

It might not look it but there is something rude and suggestive about this photo … you have an open mouth, two balls in hand and an extended middle finger

2015 Australian Open: Day 6 The Day of Reckoning!

In Uncategorized on January 28, 2015 at 9:06 pm

gq4de

So Day 6 had arrived and we had the day of reckoning; Granny Vee v Camila Giorgi! I mean this was the marquee match of the day and they had it up first on the stadium. I was into this match not because I am a huge Venus fan but because I know there was very much the possibility for Venus to lose this match after all that smart talking I was doing with those memes. I know Venus is capable of playing like the former No.1 she is and then also act like she barely know what to do with a tennis racquet on court.

gq4f5

Well it was the latter Venus who showed up to play Giorgi. Venus was just not doing anything with theSo Day 6 had arrived and we had the day of reckoning; Granny Vee v Camila Giorgi! I mean this was the marquee match of the day and they had it up first on the stadium. I was into this match not because I am a huge Venus fan but because I know there was very much the possibility for Venus to lose this match after all that smart talking  with doing with those memes. I know Venus is capable of playing like the former No.1 she is and then also act like she barely know what to do with a tennis racquet on court. ball of much consequence. She was playing on the backfoot and at times, it seemed as though she was playing on backfeet and on her hands as well. She was well off on her shots. However, that is not to say that Giorgi was not playing well because she was! She was playing amazing tennis! In fact it seemed as though despite her diminutive stature, she can wail on the ball. She was playing the type of tennis that was very much the norm back in the early 2000’s “Big Babe Tennis” She was the one rushing the net, getting the forehand well measured on the line and serving up a storm. It was Venus’s game plan being employed against her.

Giorgi is now wearing a bandana as a dress. She ain't about that life at all

Giorgi is now wearing a bandana as a dress. She ain’t about that life at all

However, Granny Vee was patient and as she would later say, “This old cat still has some tricks in her bag.” She was on the brink of defeat as Giorgi served for the match. Even I had given up hope of her winning the match. Giorgi was up 3-5 and then Venus steadied herself like her former self; Vintage Venus. Venus reeled off 4 straight games to now put Camila on the back foot. Camila was able to save a set point and pushed the 2nd set to a tiebreaker. It was do or die for Granny Vee and I swear, I really expected her to wither. I cannot begin to tell you how many tiebreakers or as I like to call them, heartbreakers I have seen Granny Vee just been destroyed. US Open 2014 3rd round v Sara Errani. Yes that match and here we are again with another Italian in the 3rd round of a major and Granny Vee is again up against the ropes.

Hold my towel for a minute while I go deal with this itch!

Hold my towel for a minute while I go deal with this itch!

The tennis gods hear my prayers and they delivered. Ebony Starr shone bright like a diamond and raced ahead in the break to take it 7-3 points. A 3rd and decisive set was on needed. In this set, Vintage Venus was on full display. She made formidable tennis throughout the entire 3rd set and Giorgi was left wondering who the hell is this woman and where the hell was she all match long. It must have been a bitter pill to swallow as she could get no chance to boss the points around. Her serve was her great undoing as she had 16 double faults total for the match. Venus was relentless in the 3rd set and her effort paid off as she closed the match 4-6 7-6 6-1.

You like that breadstick in the 3rd set?

You like that breadstick in the 3rd set?

gq4om

Up next for the veteran is the newly reformed Aga Bratzwanka who now until the tutelage of Martina. Aga has been rolling through throw this draw thus like a boulder down a hill. She is picking up speed and crushing everything in her path. She has played three matches and in each of them, baked up a bagel for her opponents. She delivered the 3rd of those bagels to Varvare Lepchenko 6-0 7-5. Victoria Azarenka followed up her impressive 2nd round win to beat Barbora Zahlavova-Styrcova (25) 6-4 6-4. She will take on Dominika Cibuttkova (11) who knocked out Lordlize Cornemort (19) 7-5 6-2. Garbine Muguruza (24) took on Timea Bacsinszky and showed herself to be in great form these championships. She won 6-3 4-6 6-0. She will next face Serena whom she took out in straight sets 6-2 6-2 at the French Open last year.

Serenanator in action

Serenanator in action

Serena had a toughish time against Elena Svitolina (26) who is also looking to be playing in great form this tournament. Svitolina came out on fire v Serena in the opening set. She was not missing a thing and Serena was forced on her backfoot. She was out of position for all her shots and making errors galore. She dropped the set 4-6. However, knowing Serena, she takes these lapses in concentration in stride. In the 2nd and 3rd sets it was all Serena and Svitolina was nowhere to be found. Serena took it 4-6 6-2 6-0. Two other Americans would join the Williams sisters in the Round of 16; Madison Keys and Madison Brengle. Keys scored the big upset of the day when she knocked out Petra Kvitova (4) 6-4 7-5 and Brengle took out another American CoCo Vandeweghe 6-3 6-2. It is rather a disappointment result for Petra because I really thought she was going to make something of this run here in Melbourne and at least make the quarters if nothing at all. Alas Petra will only play well on the grass of Wimbledon.

Keys letting Petra know she's thankful for the free match

Keys letting Petra know she’s thankful for the free match

Well after Day 5’s titanic upset, Day 6 proved to be very somber. There was no drama unless you count Kei Horsikori playing for the Dodge City Tennis Team. This frigger seems to think that it is okay to be dropping random sets to scrubs. It is as though he is incapable of playing a complete match from start to finish. This time, he gave American Steve Johnson the 1st set 6-7 and then for the rest of the match, it was back being Horsikori who is ranked 5 in the world playing a guy who is ranked who knows and who cares in the world. Horsikori through 6-7 6-1 6-2 6-3. This sorta time wasting tactic will not bode well for him in the latter half of this tournament; if he even get there.

Fake Fire Ferrer is still around!

Fake Fire Ferrer is still around!

Djoker (1), Stanley (4) and Milos (8) were all showing themselves in impeccable form as they made it through their 3rd round match in straight sets. Djoker took out Tabasco Verdasco (31) 7-6 6-2 6-4 and Stanley took out Jarkko Nieminen 6-4 6-2 6-4. These top guys were not the only ones with straight set victories. FeFe Lopez (12) took care of Jerzy Janowicz 7-6 6-4 7-6 and Guermillo Garcia-Lopez aka GGL won over a physically struggling Vasek Popiscle 6-2 6-4 6-2.  A resurgent Gilles Muller has found some fine form again and made it through to the Round of 16 of a major as knocked out Mountain Troll BFG Isner (19) 7-6 7-6 6-4. Ferrer (9) also won but he needed 4 sets to get by Gilles Simon (19) 6-2 7-5 5-7 7-6 to set up a date with Horsikori in the 4th round.  Djoker will play Muller for a place in the quarterfinals, Stanley will play GGL and FeFe Lopez will play Raonic. Should be some exciting contests coming up! 

Andreas Seppi

Andreas Seppi

Cleans up really nice ... are you stalking me?

Cleans up really nice … are you stalking me?

I got a big mouth

I got a big mouth

Nice but I am do better

Nice but I can do better

Jarkko is HOTNESS all cleaned up

Jarkko is HOTNESS all cleaned up

And he has a BIG MOUTH TOO

And he has a BIG MOUTH TOO

Doesn't Novak resemble ...(see below)?

Doesn’t Novak resemble …(see below)?

Underdog!!!

Underdog!!!

Don't know who he but we would love to know him particularly in the biblical sense

Don’t know who he but we would love to know him particularly in the biblical sense

Lepchenko ... NNOOOO

Lepchenko … NNOOOO

HELLZ NO you show up to a match looking like this

HELLZ NO you show up to a match looking like this

I mean what the hell is this photo op about? Seriously Aussie Open?

I mean what the hell is this photo op about? Seriously Aussie Open?

Meanwhile Milos is showing us he can do it all the same without a partner

Meanwhile Milos is showing us he can do it all the same without a partner

But can I still get the girl?

But can I still get the girl?

The ball was in right there ...

The ball was in right there …

Is this what you call in?

Is this what you call in? Bitch you blind or you’re playing doubles by yourself?

Hahahah you beat me? Ridiculous

Hahahah you beat me? Ridiculous

WTF?? She beat me

WTF?? She beat me

Hey ladies ...

Hey gurls …Guess what time it is? GAYNESIA TIME

sdfsd

This is what happens when too much testosterone and liquor are in the same place … Gaynesia

The Smurfs are in Melbourne it seems

The Smurfs are in Melbourne it seems

Jelena, you best check your man because this side chick is coming for him

Jelena, you best check your man because this side chick is coming for him

I am DONE! I am just going to sit here and be over this shit right now

I am DONE! I am just going to sit here and be over with this shit right now

I hope no one smelled that one ... that was too much even for me

I hope no one used that last stall! WOW … that was too much even for me MUY MUY MUY MAS

So we are really good at Wii tennis ... soo

So we are really good at Wii tennis … soo

So we are going to try the real thing

So we are going to try the real thing

I was hoping we would take care of my eyebrows but she said she's not a miracle worker and just did my nails

I was hoping we would take care of my eyebrows but she said she’s not a miracle worker and just did my nails

(c) 2015 CRH

2015 Australian Open Day 5: You don’t come for Granny Vee!

In Uncategorized on January 27, 2015 at 7:09 pm

So Day 5 happened and boy am I still in shock! The only reason why I am still alive right now is because Day 6 happened but let us not get too ahead of ourselves.

This may or may not be an accurate depiction of me after Day 5 of this Aussie Open

This may or may not be an accurate depiction of me after Day 5 of this Aussie Open

So before the action of Day 5 even got under way, the Twitter world was fire when it was tweeted that Camila Giorgi who was set to play Granny Vee Venus Ebony Starr Williams in the 3rd round had ALLEGEDLY said when asked about Venus Williams, “I don’t know her!” Come again? Thot what? To add insult to injury, Camila allegedly added, “I only watched Sampras and Agassi back then!” Twitter lost its gaddam mind over this shite. I found it hilarious and added my 2 cents … actually I added way more than that to the pool. It was about a dollar and some change. However, before I get to how I spent my money I wanted to address the specifics of Giorgi’s shade because if this is all true and she did say this, though I have yet to uncover any validity to the “Twitter Testimony”, we have to address it. It cannot go unchecked at all!

First off, Giorgi is about 22 years old if I am not mistaken. Keep that in mind. In her alleged comments about not knowing Venus Williams and only being familiar with (Pete) Sampras and (Andre) Agassi, she did two things there. (I have to admit that this was quality shade! You gotta give credit where credit is due! She came to field with some good shite. She got A grade stuff) Anywho, so what Giorgi did was 1) Diss Venus on her age and 2) Diss her on her relevance. Speaking from a pre-match hype perspective, she is really doing well to set the stage for drama. For a weaker player, this would have been near mental nuclear bomb. However, this is Granny Vee we are talking about; she ain’t bothered! WTA Wenches do not bother her in the least.

grb5h

So Giorgi went after Venus’s age. When Granny Vee was 22, she was not only winning major matches CONSISTENTLY, she was number 1 in the world if I am not mistaken. She had 4 major titles and 2 Olympic gold medals. When Venus showed up at the US Open for the first time at age 17, she made it to the final on debut. She was no one-hit wonder either because she was making it consistently to the 2nd week of majors. She was winning other important titles too. She won her first two majors at 20. So Camila gurl what have you done in your 22 years of feeble existence? Silence* Crickets chirping* Just like I suspected, Nothing! And the crickets know it too. Now, don’t cry because that is just going to cheapen the whole thing and make me look like a bully when you were the one who started this. I am just going to be the one to finish it. You came out swinging in the Shady Pines Tournament. This is what it is really like in the big leagues of ShadyVille! The library is open boo and you are about to get read!

the library is open - read

And no I am not done! So back in 2002 when Pete Sampras played his LAST PROFESSIONAL match when you were about 9 or 10, he played it at the US Open beating Agassi in the final. But do you know who was in the women’s finals that year? Yeah you guessed it, the defending champion Venus Williams v Serena Williams, her younger sister. Back in 2000-2003, Venus and her sister put women’s tennis back on the map and have been the ones doing so till now. See the brand of tennis coverage that people get when it is not about the Williams Sisters is not about tennis at all. It is all about superficial stuff like glitz and glamour etc. I think that is the strategy your mama is taking by dressing you in Sailor Moon shorts. (Your mama is fair game since your papa put his mouth into the fray saying, you’re better than Venus! Papa please! Have a seat … have several in fact!)

The Sisters were doing it for themselves and for you too!!

The Sisters weren’t just doing it for themselves BUT for you too!!

But again I digress. Before there was Divadal, Mr. Federer, Djoker, Lochness Murray, Shriekapova and Azarenka, there was Venus and then Serena! They are the reason you get equal prize money at most tournaments, particularly Venus. So when you say, you don’t know Venus, you not just being shady, you are being downright disrespectful and you have to be checked. And I am the one to check you! But then again, if we are talking money and checks, those are issues for you no? Apparently you got none and the only checks you can issued are from the Banks of PlayDoh and Mattel. So you are able to buy Park Place on the Monopoly board and all of a sudden you feel you got strength to talk. Why don’t you scrape up the few pennies you have and get yourself some humble pie and pay hom-mage to the greatness that is Venus Williams? Venus is not only making bank on the tour, she owns an Interior Design Company, Fashion Design as well as partnership in other major corporations including the Miami Dolphins. You on the other hand cannot pay your creditors in trident layers gum even if they were willing to accept it.

gq4de

You might not know this but it is because of Venus why we are even noting your presence at the Australian Open this year. You might think that beating Flavia Pennetta (12) was some great achievement for you because maybe you’ll get picked for the Fed Cup team this year ahead of Karin Knapp but for Venus that’s just a routine day at the office. And gurl, let’s be on the real right now, Francesca Schiavone got more relevance than you. See the real question is not whether you know Venus but it is whether Venus knows you?

gfs_49450_2_16

I could FINISH you right now but I am gonna let Professor Serena have the final words on this matter when she told reporters this of her sister. I am gonna need you to pay attention for this bit … Wait can you even afford to pay attention?

CAPTION CORRECTION The Championships - Wimbledon 2013: Previews

“Yeah, she came in as a new face, a black woman that was shaking up the world. She had all the pressure on her shoulders. I kind of came in behind her. You know, just snuck in there. There was no pressure on me at all. She dealt with it so amazing. She had a lot of confidence and she had so much class and still does throughout everything. You can see that her personality is pretty much the same. She’s definitely grown but she’s always been very mature and very regal.”

Q. Was there a public moment in public when you were most proud of your sister?

“So many things. I mean, her sticking up for equal rights in Dubai when they wouldn’t let certain players play, her sticking up for equal prize money for the WTA in Wimbledon. So many different things that she’s done for the tour that’s made it a better place not just for me but for all the female players.”

Now you can cry! And may I never hear another word of this matter alleged or otherwise because next time, I am not gonna be so nice!

Jujubee-library-reading-to-filth

Back to our regular scheduled program:

So let us get to the real matter at hand, the tennis,

Mr. Federer had a bad day at the office

Mr. Federer had a bad day at the office

I guess we should start with the menz because the biggest story of the day and perhaps the entire championships, has come from the men’s draw. 4-time Champion here, Mr. Roger Federer has been dismissed by the most unlikely of opponent, Andreas Seppi, a player he has beaten in all 10 previous meetings. Seppi came out swinging and Mr. Federer was well off. Nothing was working for him and his lack of accuracy was paying off for Seppi. Even Mr. Federer’s usual deft on-court instincts were completely off. Twice Mr. Federer let makeable shots float by thinking that they would go long, both on set points no less. Both balls dropped well in resulting in him losing those sets, the last one being the match.

Andreas Seppi

Andreas Seppi

Seppi was clearly the better player. He was the one making the right decisions on court and getting his serve to work as well as getting the right length on his shots. All the breaks were going his way and whenever he was in trouble, Mr. Federer was just not able to capitalize and left his game long enough in order to maintain any advantage. Jim Courier, a former winner here noted something along the lines of “Federer just has to be Federer for 5 minutes in order to turn this match around.” However, it came to be that Federer was only Federer for short bursts of no more than 3 minutes interval and that was enough to get him a break in the 3rd set (A LUCKY NET CORD) but it was not enough to get him to win the match. Seppi took it 6-4 7-6 4-6 7-6. 

What had happened was ...

What had happened was …

This is the first time since 2003 that Mr. Federer has not made it to the semifinals or better at the Australian Open. It was 11 straight years of great performances here in Melbourne!

Mr. Federer had this to say of the match: “For some reason I struggled. Like I explained, it had things to do with Andreas’ game and with my game as well. You put those things together, all of a sudden you’re playing a match you don’t want to play. The rallies are going in a way you don’t like it. Then when I maybe needed my serve the most, it wasn’t quite there, because my baseline game wasn’t there either. It went in phases. But at least I was able to iron out things a bit and able to play much more solid at the back end of the match. But it just broke me to lose that second set. And actually the fourth, I should win it, too. Just a brutal couple of sets to lose there.

How many times have I played night session, day session, night session, day session or day session, night session? Who cares. I think he did well. I struggled today and he took advantage of it really. I wish I believed maybe if we played at night I would have been more comfortable, but at this point who cares, right? I mean, like I’m on the plane and he’s not, so…”

This is why Mr. Federer will forever be my homie slice FOR LIFE!!!

Divadal taking out Dudi Sela

Divadal taking out Dudi Sela

So anyway, Divadal was also set to play. He won his match quite comfortably because he was playing Dudi Sela. Yeah who is he? Sela did not put up much of a fight but Divadal was generous by letting it go to 12 games in the 3rd set: 6-1 6-0 7-5. Meanwhile, Divadal also had a bit of drama sounding his name on the day though I am sure his fans will not see it this way. Craig Tiley, the director of the Australian Open had this to say in regards to Divadal before this match and after this “epic match” v Tim Smyczek: “We saw that Rafa had lost a lot of fluids and Nadal’s team asked us to have the maximum possible time for recovery. We are in permanent contact with players’ teams and this decision was good for both parts, we are all happy and nobody should be upset about this. Rafa is one of the greatest players in this tournaments and a great asset of world tennis. We have to protect him”

I think this is ridiculous! I mean this is so unfair to players. Divadal played a 5-set match and not a 3-day affair a la John Isner and Nicolas Mahut. It is not that serious but as always, tennis has changed its standards for Divadal! As per Divadal, we have changed the court, the ball, the racquet and now we are fixing the schedule to give him the advantage. They might as well just put him in the final without playing the 6 previous rounds.

But anyway, the other menz! Lochness Murray (6) has been quietly making his way thought the draw. He has not dropped random sets and played solid thus far. He got rid of Joao Sousa of Portugal 6-1 6-1 7-5. He will play Dimitrov(10) who was having Marcos Baghdatis give him the run around as they had to go to a 5th set to decide the match. Dimitrov won it 4-6 6-3 3-6 6-3 6-3.

Berdych is still alive and strong in this tournament

Berdych is still alive and strong in this tournament

Other winners include Tomas Berdych (7) aka Berdshite who beat Viktor Triocki 6-4 6-3 6-4. Kevin Anderson (14) took out Richard Gasquet (24) in straight sets which oddly enough seems like an upset to me despite the ranking. Anderson was very decisive in his win 6-4 7-6 7-6 and I expected Gasquet to have done much more than this. However, I guess he had other ideas than living up to my expectations. Tampomic took out Sexy Sam Groth in straight sets 6-4 7-6 6-3 and fellow Aussie Nick Kripsy Kringle Kyrgios won in straight sets 6-3 7-6 6-1.

Goerges is through to the 4th Round of a major

Goerges is through to the 4th Round of a major

On the ladies side, we did not have much of a dramatic turn of events. A lot of the “Upset Queens” were sent packing as several faced each other. Julia Goerges took out Lucie Hradecka in straight sets 7-5 7-6. Hradecka had chances to take at least a set and even push for the match win. However, she lost focus and Goerges found hers at the right moment just when it was waning. Another Upset Queens matchup was Irina-Carmila Begu v Carina Witthoeft. Begu won in straight sets 6-4 6-4. On the other hand, Yanina Wickmayer continued on her upset winning ways when she took out Sara Errani (14) 4-6 6-4 6-3 and through to the 4th round. What is interesting about this victory is the fact that Errani was leading in all 3 sets. However, Wickmayer was on that money train and was not going to let 4th round money pass her by!

I am still here itches! Don't think that lil hiccup will faze

I am still here itches! Don’t think that lil hiccup will faze

All the other top seeded players kept their wits about them and secured straight sets victories. Martha (2) won 6-1 6-1 over Zarina Diyas (31) and Bouchard (7) took out Caroline Garcia 7-5 6-0. Garcia started the match very well but clearly was not about finishing well at all. She let early breaks go by. Simona Halep (3) went through 6-4 7-5 over Bethanie Mattek-Sands, Ekaterina Makarova (10) won over Karolina Pliskova (22) 6-4 6-4 and Shuai Peng (21) took care of Yaroslava Shvedova 7-6 6-3.

Halep is still here too!!

Halep is still here too!!

So there we have it. Day 5’s action! I hope you enjoyed it even if you might be reading it late or at all! 

#TEAMHOTTIES

He's often overlooked but Djoker is goodlooking

He’s often overlooked but Djoker is goodlooking

According to rumours, ... well they're just rumours and won't be repeated here

According to rumours, … well they’re just rumours and won’t be repeated here

Sexy Sam

Sexy Sam

Gorgeous Groth

Gorgeous Groth

And YES I wanna slam Sam

And YES I wanna slam Sam

Pablo Carreno-Busta is HOTNESS, Guillermo Garcia-Lopez ain't too bad himself. THREESOME

Pablo Carreno-Busta is HOTNESS, Guillermo Garcia-Lopez ain’t too bad himself. THREESOME

Karolina Pliskova is cute

Karolina Pliskova is cute

This girl is cute but what I don't get is why is she wearing panty briefs out in public

This girl is cute but what I don’t get is why is she wearing panty briefs out in public

#TEAMWENOTSUREYET

Grigor is losing looks these days. He just ain't doing it for me as of late

Grigor is losing looks these days. He just ain’t doing it for me as of late

Does Akgul Amanmuradova look like ...

Does Akgul Amanmuradova look like …

Nick Kyrgios? STFU Realz!

Nick Kyrgios? STFU Realz!

Mr. Federer’s match in pictures

So Mr. Federer came out as normal, pocketbook and racquet bag

So Mr. Federer came out as normal, pocketbook and racquet bag

Things got sticky going down 0-2 sets

Things got sticky going down 0-2 sets

My play STINKS but I think I can get it together and still win this thing

My play STINKS but I think I can get it together and still win this thing

Nooooooo I can't get it

Nooooooo I can’t get it

FUCK NOOOO I ain't winning this today

FUCK NOOOO I ain’t winning this today

Yeah congratulations and all but don't touch my butt ...

Yeah congratulations and all but don’t touch my butt …

Time to go home and make babies :-)

Time to go home and make babies 🙂

Mirka gurl, I am coming... get ready for me

Mirka gurl, I am coming… get ready for me

They aren’t ready yet! 

Mr. Federer trying to give you the Abs Show but failed

Mr. Federer trying to give you the Abs Show but failed

Marcos trying to give it to you but he's holding it in ... I hope he doesn't stifle himself

Marcos trying to give it to you but he’s holding it in … I hope he doesn’t stifle himself

Marcos Baghdatis during a match

You have two eyes Marcos

You have two eyes Marcos

To see ONE ball

To see ONE ball

Yet you still miss arghhhhh IDIOT

Yet you still miss arghhhhh IDIOT

Time for a medical time out to recuperate

Time for a medical time out to recuperate

Need a Fashion makeover NOW

NOOO Makarova. You can do better than this

NOOO Makarova. You can do better than this

Shuai Peng, we need to fix them edges. They are tore up gurl

Shuai Peng, we need to fix them edges. They are tore up gurl

Kei I am not sure what's going on with the hair accessory ... might be a bit too much

Kei I am not sure what’s going on with the hair accessory … might be a bit too much

Mixed Bag Photos

Can I get your number?

Can I get your number?

WTF is going on there? Who that heifer talking to my man?

WTF is going on there? Who that heifer talking to my man?

A bitch gonna protect her investment and stop these side bitches from taking over

A bitch gonna protect her investment and stop these side bitches from taking over

Andy! Andy! Andy! We LOOOOOVEEE YOUUU

Andy! Andy! Andy! We LOOOOOVEEE YOUUU

I gotta be aware of threats from these twinks too? WTMFF?

I gotta be aware of threats from these twinks too? WTMFF?

Hradecka trying the slipt

Hradecka trying the slipt

Dimitrov showing her how it is DONE!!

Dimitrov showing her how it is DONE!!

And he got his pocketbook too

And he got his pocketbook too

See most of these "fans" be coming out for their people in tank tops etc. However, Richard Gasquet's boys are the only ones shirtless. I wonder why?? Hmmmm

See most of these “fans” be coming out for their people in tank tops etc. However, Richard Gasquet’s boys are the only ones shirtless. I wonder why?? Hmmmm

Why the guy in the Yankee top boobs look bigger than those girls to the side

Why the guy in the Yankee top boobs look bigger than those girls to the side

Look at those hot men sans the one with the hat. He can hold the camera while we get it on in a foursome

Look at those hot men sans the one with the hat. Ain’t nobody here checking for bears! 

Why is his armpits shaved and hers not?

Why is his armpits shaved and hers look it is not?

2015 Australian Open: Day 3 The Late Late Late Edition

In Uncategorized on January 24, 2015 at 12:01 am
Thank you Jesus for bringing back Realz. Better late than never.

Thank you Jesus for bringing back Realz. Better late than never.

I am so so so very sorry my fans for coming to you so very late with Day 3’s Report. I have so much on my plate and I swear to you I have also been lacking sleep. The bags under my eyes are carrying more load than the ones the players have on court [Which is still a mystery to mme as to for 1) What the hell is in it? And 2) Why the hell are you bringing a purse to the court? I don’t see NBA players bringing a pocketbook to the court. If the lockers are not that safe to keep your precious stuff, I hardly believe players have their passports on hand there, you can A) Talk to the people in charge about the lack of security and feel free to invoke the standard US police line of “Fear for my Safety” that usually covers a multitude of sins and/or B) This is just me coming up with something off the cuff here and a severe lack of sleep but how about you just leave your stuff at home. Don’t bring your valuables to work.]

There we go with the racquet bag on the right and the mystery pocketbook on the left

There we go with the racquet bag on the right and the mystery pocketbook on the left! What’s in there Divadal? Enquiring minds would like to know

However, it is way too early in this post for me to go off on a tangent and/or digressing especially since I am well late with this edition. So let us get to the results. Today we will start off with the Menz.

Again the men were generally well behaved. No major upsets to speak of or perhaps more so to the point, what I should really say is that we did not lose anyone of major consequence and/or care. However, you know who decided to get themselves square in the limelight? None other than the Grande Dame himself, Divadal. She decided that the “Comeback Narrative” from his fakinjuries was not enough, he had to give us a “comeback in the match heroics vein.” Divadal was playing American Tim Smyczek. Now if you have not heard of him before now, well do not feel bad. Most people have not. In fact, Smyczek mostly makes an appearance at the US Open where he wins a couple of matches or just one and sometimes find himself being one of the “few surviving American male” left in the tournament. He is basically one of those American men trying to find relevance on tour in the absence of Andy Roddick. He then gets sucked into the “Where are the American men?” narrative. Anyway, Smyczek is also VERY EASY ON THE EYES. He can get it. Anywho, let’s get back to the Divadal story.

Tim Smother him with gravy Symczek ... he can definitely get it

Tim Smother him with gravy Symczek … he can definitely get it

So Divadal was leading Smyczek earlier on in the match as was to be expected. He took the 1st set 6-2. However, I guess Divadal decided he needed to take a Mental Holiday or something like that so he just zoned out of the match it seemed. In fact, what I think Divadal did was simply change the narrative surrounding him a bit. See coming into the tournament, there was a lot of “questions” surrounding his fitness for this tournament but after his first round demolition of Youznhy, all questions were answered. Divadal was definitely one of the favourites to win. So Divadal knew he could no longer go into press conferences and say, “Well me no soy favorito. Djoker y Federrerr son the muchos favoritos” So how do you keep that going, you simply get yourself knocked about a bit by a scrub. So Smyczek won the 2nd and 3rd sets.

Smyczek v Divadal turned out to be a "drama filled affair" Who knew?

Smyczek v Divadal turned out to be a “drama filled affair” Who knew?

According to EuroSport commies, “Divadal was sweating so much.” “I have never seen him sweat that much” said Mats Weelander (His real name is Mats Wilander). I really can’t even get into the absurdity of this last bit of madness. Sometimes, people say such ridiculousness that you really cannot engage. So anyway, Divadal was now down 1-2 sets and everyone thought the upset was possible. That is, everyone who is silly. Divadal was not going to lose like that. He has ONLY EVER struggled at Wimbledon in the early rounds. Think about it. When has Divadal not made the 2nd week of a major not named Wimbledon and be in danger of losing to a scrub? This rarely happens. So I know it was not going to happen that night and even if it were to happen, it certainly was not going to be at the hands and racquet of Tim Smyczek. So again no surprises here when Divadal came through and pulled off another “epic win” 6-2 3-6 6-7 6-3 7-5.

Yes tennis gods my plan has worked. I am now back in the Sympathy Corner

Yes tennis gods my plan has worked. I am now back in the Sympathy Corner

Yeah Timmy, I am immune to scrubs except in London

Yeah Timmy, I am immune to scrubs except in London

Dear Fanz,

*Please note that I have contacted the Oxford English authorities about issuing a “Cease and Desist Order” as well as an Injunction against tennis commentators, journalists, fans and fanatics alike for the extra-grammatical and wonton abuse of the words, “epic, greatest, best, era, illness and injury.” Things have got grossly out of hand now and it is time that order is restored to the English Language. Far too many crimes and atrocities have been committed in the name of journalism and “fair and balance reporting.” Therefore egregious statements such as “Nadal played an epic match v Djokovic” or “This is the Djokovic-era” will be a thing of the past.

 

gr2xn

I have also asked them to within this injunction state explicitly that any use of those words without proper documented and corroborating evidence for the sentence and or sentences they are found within, will result in public shaming and a hefty fine. All offenders will have to take mandatory English classes even if he/she is a native speaker. In fact any native speaker found in violation of this injunction WILL BE given the status of “English as a Second Language” and have to take remedial classes as basic vocabulary is seriously an issue for them. Please note that Special Dispensation has been given to RealzTenisFanz for its strident effort in maintaining the integrity of the language. 

10653781_10204758016335975_696117555243078983_n

You said Realz! AMEN and AMENNNN!!!

gr2m2

 

Anyway, let’s get back to the tennis. So Mr. Federer (2) decided that he wanted to give some random scrub, Simone Bolelli, some undeserved confidence. Bolelli came out in the 1st set like a tigershark. He was pounding Mr. Federer with that forehand. I mean Bolelli was near not missing a single one and Mr. Federer was looking his age. Mr. Federer dropped the 1st set 3-6 and was left to lick his wound; quite literally as he was stung by a bee on his finger or something along those lines. He got that treated after dropping the set. As for Bolelli, well as is often the case with these scrubs, they blow their wad early and usually end up showing themselves to be a “one-trick pony”. Whenever the other player figures out how to deal with that trick, they are left with nothing else to show and they get dismissed. That’s exactly what happened. Mr. Federer dismissed him 3-6 6-3 6-2 6-2 in vintage style.

Mr. Federer had to get his life together! He was a mess in that 1st set

Mr. Federer had to get his life together! He was a mess in that 1st set

Who looked to be in good form was Lochness Murray (6). He took out Marinko Matosevic of Australia in straights 6-1 6-3 6-2 as did Bershite (7) over qualifier Jurgen Melzer. Dimitrov (10), the Bulgarian handbag, also came through to the 3rd round but he did it in 4 sets. Kevin Anderson (14) and Richard Gasquet (24) also won and moved through to the next round. Meanwhile, the Australians were besides themselves as they had two of their own facing each other; Super Sexy Sam Groth and the Twink Thanasi Kokkinakis. I was cheering myself but for entirely different reasons 😉 It was a tough contest but in the end, experience won out as Gorgeous Groth took it in 5 sets 3-6 6-3 7-5 3-6 6-1. Groth will play another compatriot in the form of Bernard Tampomic in the 3rd round. No doubt who I would be backing in that match! 

Gorgeous  Groth

Gorgeous Groth

And speaking of the douche Tampomic, he sorta led an interesting turn of event in this half of the draw that saw several of the lower end seeds (Seeded Scrubs I like to call them) all being tossed out in 4 sets. Tampomic took out Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) and his countryman, Nick Krispy Kringle beat Ivo Karlovic (23) also in 4 sets as did Andreas Seppi who took out Jeremy Chardy (29). Marcos Baghdatis, 2006 finalist here in Melbourne, took care of David Goffin (20) who was severely hampered by the hot and humid conditions. Dudi Sela won over Lukas Rosol (28) and Viktor Troiki is back in the mix when he got rid of Leonardo Mayer (26). The only seeded player who did not lose in 4 sets was Martin Klizan (32). He himself went out in the 2nd round but he did so by way of retiring from his match.

Who are these guys you people of Realz? I have never heard of them

Who are these guys you people of Realz? I have never heard of them

On the womenz side, well the big story was again a “near defeat” of the No. 2 seed. However, in this case, it was a very very near defeat as Martha Shriekapova had to save 3 match points against her countrywoman Alexandra Panova. Panova got dragged in the 1st set losing it 1-6 but in the next two, she was crushing Martha’s basic game. Panova led 5-1 in the 2nd set but got shaky but was still able to close it out 6-4 to force a 3rd set. Martha was in deep trouble and she knew it too BUT we all know Martha competes VERY WELL! If she was going to lose a match to some extra or WTA Wench (my new catch phrase) on tour, she was going to make that extra/wench WIN IT. Martha does not donate free matches! You want that W next to your name against her, gurl you best get your life together because Martha is NEVER GONNA GIVE UP unless your name is Serena Williams.

Martha was getting dragged like a ragged doll out there

Martha was getting dragged like a ragged doll out there

Panova had break points to go up 5-1 in the 3rd set but I think she forgot who she was playing. Martha held serve for 2-4 and then steadily worked her way back into the match with confidence and panache as though it were she in the driver’s seat. Panova took her foot off the accelerator and paid dearly for it. Martha got her shite together and took the match 6-1 4-6 7-5. She is through to the 3rd round, something she did not do last year. 

That's right, I just checked another wench trying to come for my wig at a major

That’s right, I just checked another wench trying to come for my wig at a major

I did not come this but it's hilarious nonetheless (SOURCH: https://40.media.tumblr.com/d67bba0dc8dd38702365ff661244000f/tumblr_nimhrvyZHp1tjtko9o1_1280.jpg)

I did not come up with this but it’s hilarious nonetheless (SOURCE: https://40.media.tumblr.com/d67bba0dc8dd38702365ff661244000f/tumblr_nimhrvyZHp1tjtko9o1_1280.jpg)

The other seeded players got through in relative ease. Bouchard (7) won in straight sets as did Simona Halep (3), Ekaterina Makarova (10) and Sara Errani (14), they all moved through to the 3rd round here in Melbourne looking to make that final push to get into the 2nd week of the major. They have all made it to the semis or better at all major but none of them have come close to winning one.

Simona Halep, Mrs. Koolaide

Simona Halep, Mrs. Koolaide

Meanwhile, the “upset queens” from Day 1 of Aussie Open did rather well in the 2nd round. They all came through with the exception of one. Lucie Hradecka who took out Ivanovic the Terrible in Round 1 won as did Julia Goerges, Caroline Garcia, Yaroslava Shvedova, Yanina Wickmayer, Irina-Carmila Begu and Carina Wittoeft. The one who lost was Kristina Mladenovic. Anyway, this will sure make for interesting things come the 2nd week of the major as several of these women will inevitably end up getting to the Round of 16 or better. As always, the Australian Open gives us a lot of Scrubs and Extras forcing their way from the backdrop into the forefront of the main stage. I cannot blame them. The money in Melbourne is really sweet and I for one will be fighting my hardest to get to the next round for a bigger pay day. No passive play from me if I were out there because 2nd round money is always more than 1st round and 3rd round is more than them combined.

Realz again, I don't know any of these people that you are talking about. Are you sure these women are real?

Realz again, I don’t know any of these people that you are talking about. Are you sure these women are real?

Anyway enough about all of that. Since we are so behind, let me get on with this and go bang out the other days! PLEASE DON’T FORGET TO COMMENT. I NEED THE SUPPORT 

#TeamHotties

Alexandra Panova may have lost but she is definitely a hottie in our book

Alexandra Panova may have lost but she is definitely a hottie in our book

Polona Hercog is hot and she got the tats to prove it!

Polona Hercog is hot and she got the tats to prove it!

I usually am pounding Carla saying how she needs to get it together BUT she gets an A+++ from me today. She's WERQING it in red, white and blue! Meanwhile, Garbine is looking like throw up fashioned into curtain material and then made into whatever horrible outfit she thinks looks good

I usually am pounding Carla saying how she needs to get it together BUT she gets an A+++ from me today. She’s WERQING it in red, white and blue! Meanwhile, Garbine is looking like throw up fashioned into curtain material and then made into whatever horrible outfit she thinks looks good

#TeamTooCute

I mean there is the potential for something awful to happen to this clearly unattended baby but what an adorable baby it is

I mean there is the potential for something awful to happen to this clearly unattended baby but what an adorable baby it is

#TeamTooSexy

Gorgeous Groth

Gorgeous Groth

Sexy Sam

Sexy Sam

HOTNESS DELICIOUSLY SQUARED

HOTNESS DELICIOUSLY SQUARED

We look so HOT together that I wanna clone myself so I can watch a threesome with us and Realz

We look so HOT together that I wanna clone myself so I can watch a threesome with us and Realz

Sweet Jojoba, you can take me just so long as you let me watch that action

Sweet Jojoba, you can take me just so long as you let me watch that action

Someone hose it down! It's getting too hot in here!

Someone hose it down! It’s getting too hot in here!

No bitch you can't have my number

No bitch you can’t have my number

But you have definitely have my sweaty dirty towel

But you have definitely have my sweaty dirty towel

#TeamNotties

She is really serious about making that face drawing so much attention to that fivehead? (Please note the Realz method of determining whether you have a forehead or a fivehead, if you place 4 fingers up to your forehead and there is still space between your hairline and your fingers, you got a FIVEHEAD! Ain't no shame about it, it is what it is!

She is really serious about making that face drawing so much attention to that fivehead? (Please note the Realz method of determining whether you have a forehead or a fivehead, if you place 4 fingers up to your forehead and there is still space between your hairline and your fingers, you got a FIVEHEAD! Ain’t no shame about it, it is what it is!

#icant even with this face looking like Mask

#icant even with this face looking like Mask

Need I say more ...

Need I say more …

Is Divadal hair?

From this angle

From this angle

And this way ...

And this way …

In motion ...

In motion …

Let's see what is happening on this side

Let’s see what is happening on this side

Rafael Nadal

I am seeing more sweat than hair

 

Up close

Up close

From the other side up close

From the other side up close

ARGHHH I am losing my hair!!! Help me please ROGAINE

ARGHHH I am losing my hair!!! Help me please ROGAINE

Even from space we can see this bald spot

Even from outer space we can see this bald spot

I gonna dry my hair gingerly or else I might lose the few strands that I have

Gurl I have to dry my hair gingerly or else I might lose the few strands that I have to this towel

Body Conscious

Lochness Murray has a lil treasure trail for you to follow

Lochness Murray has a lil treasure trail for you to follow

Grigor is giving you a lil hint

Grigor is giving you a lil hint

Divadal giving you a lil peep show

Divadal giving you a lil peep show

And then he's showing you the full 8 pack

And then he’s showing you the full 8 pack

Matosevic is offering a sneak preview

Matosevic is offering a sneak preview

Gasquet giving you that farmer's tan look

Gasquet giving you that farmer’s tan look

This man is giving you a full show

This man is giving you a full show

They are definitely perfect but I don't think we have the same ideas about what they're perfect for!

They are definitely perfect but I don’t think we have the same ideas about what they’re perfect for!

Mixed Bag Photos

I had to beat you, I couldn't stand to have that ugly outfit running around these parts ... I'll have my Nike peoples call your peoples to hook you up with something better

I had to beat you, I couldn’t stand to have that ugly outfit running around these parts … I’ll have my Nike peoples call your peoples to hook you up with something better

Just a lil constructive criticism here Bec Hewitt, your children's crayons and markers are not meant to be used as lipstick. Furthermore, that colour does not match your skin tone

Just a lil constructive criticism here Bec Hewitt, your children’s crayons and markers are not meant to be used as lipstick. Furthermore, that colour does not match your skin tone

So the Asshat is back at the tournament

So the Asshat is back at the tournament

What are you looking for? My breasts.

What are you looking for? Your breasts.

 

Why does my hand smell like balls?

Why does my hand smell like balls?

What do you mean why did I sign Jerzy Janowicz? That's my name. ... Wait what? You thought I was Herman Munster?

What do you mean why did I sign Jerzy Janowicz? That’s my name. … Wait what? You thought I was Herman Munster?

Yeah you look like him.

Yeah you look like him.

That Awkward Moment When

When you and your good girlfriend wore the same outfit to the same event and she wore it better.

When you and your good girlfriend wore the same outfit to the same event and she wore it better.

When the doctor says he wants to weigh your balls but he's doing it by feel

When the doctor says he wants to weigh your balls but he’s doing it by feel

When you realize you're the meat in an ugly man sandwich

When you realize you’re the meat in an ugly man sandwich

You realize the old hag in the middle thinks she's cute and you have to check her

You realize the old hag in the middle thinks she’s cute and you have to check her

Your dyslexia is on full display for the world to see

Your dyslexia is on full display for the world to see

You gay best friend set you up saying he'll do your makeup for free

Your gay best friend set you up saying he’ll do your makeup for free so all the boys would come your way

When too much twerking got your hips messed up

When too much twerking got your hips messed up

But the music so good that you have to be a basic thot and twerk on the floor

But the music so good that you have to be a basic thot and twerk on the dance floor

 

2015 Australian Open: Day 1 of Horrors!

In Ana Ivanovic, Andreas Seppi, Andy Murray, Angelique Kerber, Australian Open, Bernard Tomic, Borna Coric, Carla Suarez Narravo, Christina McHale, David Goffin, Dustin Brown, Ekaterina Makarova, Eugenie Bouchard, Fernando Verdasco, Genie Bouchard, Grigor Dimitrov, Jiri Vesely, Juan Monaco, Kei Nishikori, Maria Sharapova, Mikhail Youzhny, Na Li, Nick Kyrgios, Petra Kvitova, Philipp Kohlschreiber, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roberta Vinci, Roger Federer, Sabine Lisicki, Simona Halep, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Tomas Berdych, Tommy Robredo, Yaroslava Shevedova on January 19, 2015 at 6:54 pm
Hey y'all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open.  I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don't get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

Hey y’all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open. I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don’t get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

So the 2015 Australian Open has officially begun! And boy or gurl or lady depending on who you are, was it an explosive first day, particularly on the women’s side. It was as though a cyclone or something ripped through the draw as the top seeds were being scattered left, right and center. These female underlings were gunning for the top seeds and trying to get that 2nd round money because it is definitely more than the cheque for the 1st round. Things were so massive that we do not even have time to chit chat, we have to go right to main story! 

Of the 16 seeded players from the bottom half who took to court to play their 1st round matches, EIGHT of them lost. That’s right, 8/16, half of them, 50% of them were sent packing; dismissed; bid adieu; arrivederci or as they say in Australia, goodbye! It was amazing and shocking to a certain extent and I have seen a lot of tennis. I mean granted that several of them were not really surprises or upsets in my book. However, the sheer magnitude of the fallout was too epic to go unnoticed.

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN'S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN’S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

So let’s look at the damage done. The highest seed to fall was Ana Ivanovic (5) aka Ivanovic the Terrible. Now Ana took on Lucie Hradecka (pronounced Herdeskka, I know but it is Czech if I am not mistaken) Anyway, Ana was cruising 6-1 in the 1st set and I swore she was going to sail through this match. However, we all know how Ivanovic the Terrible be showing up and wrecking Ana’s life and sure enough out came doppelganger. Ana’s ball toss was all over the place for the serve. She was stretching like it was Pilates class out there and Hradecka was enjoying the free points and nice cracks at the silly serves. Hradecka then wrapped up the match 1-6 6-3 6-2! Needless to say that Ana tried to stall things by going up to the chair umpire several times mid-game. She can never lose gracefully #checkyourpressuregurl

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please!

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please! Get out of my head!

After Ana was sent home, then came Carebear Kerber (9) who was off kilter from the beginning of the match v Irina-Camelia Begu. Begu was serious about the upset from the very start. She got the early breaks and though Kerber broke back, Begu was undeterred as she took the 1st set 6-4. Begu got broken early in the 2nd set and decided smartly I guess to tank the set altogether. She did enough to make Angie work for it and gave away the set at love. However, in the 3rd set, she unleashed her reserves and Angie was left scrambling at the back of the court. She returned the kindness of the bagel from Angie with a breadstick for the German. Begu bagged the upset win 6-4 0-6 6-1.

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Two other big upsets were Lucie Safarova (16) aka Lady Gollum and Carla Suarez-Navarro (17). Safarova can be a dangerous floater but it seemed that she drew another dangerous floater in the form of Yaroslava Shvedova for a 1st round match. Shevedova came out inspired to score the upset on the 1st day and succeeded as she dismissed the Czech 6-4 2-6 8-6. Carla was just disappointing all around. She did not even put up much of a fight as some Carina Witthoeft took her out 3-6 1-6. To be honest I am not even going to shed any tears for Carla because I will never forget that Aussie Open 2009 when she took out Granny Vee in the 2nd round.

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Two veteran players, Svetlana Kuznetsova (27) aka Kuzi-Rex and Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki, got outplayed by two French women, Caroline Garcia and Kristina Mladenovic respectively. Kuzi-Rex was just not in the game at all. She allowed Garcia to take the upperhand in the match from the jump and only broke her in order to save face. Garcia nonetheless got the win 6-4 6-2. Mladenovic had a tougher time against Lose-sicki as she dropped the opening set 4-6. However, after trading breaks early in the 2nd set, Mladenovic consolidated finally and kept on holding to take the match 4-6 6-4 6-2.

I don't know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

I don’t know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

The final two of the top seeds to get bounced are not really upsets in my book but by virtue of the rankings, they do register as “upsets”. Julia Goerges played a great match from start to finish to take out Belinda Bencic (32) in straight sets 6-2 6-1 and Yanina Wickmayer steadied herself after losing the opening set 4-6 to knock out Anastasia Fattychunkova (23) 4-6 6-3 6-3. And like I said, although we have to call these upsets because of the rankings, it is really not that serious. Bencic and Fattychunkova were not going to do anything anyway.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey I don't lose to scrubs in early round of majors.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey (head of the WTA) I don’t lose to scrubs in early round of majors. That’s Serena. Don’t get it twisted!

Well not that we took care of the “big losers” we can talk about the “big winners”. Martha Shriekapova (2) and Simona Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide were both looking rusty as hell in their opening round matches. Neither was in danger of losing the match. However, perhaps if they were playing a more seasoned opponent, things could have been interesting. Nonetheless, they both won their matches in straight sets and through to the 2nd round. Martha 6-4 6-1 over Petra Martic and Halep 6-3 6-2 over Karin Knapp.

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Genie Bouchard (7) who has to defend her semifinal points from last year, is one step closer as she took out Anna-Lena Friedsam 6-2 6-4. I am not sure she will get back to the semis but she as hell did not lose in the 1st round so good of her. Another winner is Ekaterina Makarova (10) [I do not even realize she was ranked so high on the charts]. Anyway Makarova took out An-Sophie (I mean seriously that is her name) Mestach 6-2 6-2. Sara Errani (14) dismantled American Grace Min 6-1 6-0 in less than an hour.

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn't fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn’t fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life! And congrats on the win!

Other notable winners include 2014 US Open semifinalist Shuai Peng (21) and Pliskova (22) both won in straight sets. Zarina Diyas (31) took out Aga Lite aka Urszula Radwanska in 3 sets. Roberta Vinci beat Bojana Jovanovski in straight sets as Bethanie Mattek-Sands overcame her opponent Ying-Ying Duan in 3 sets. American Christina McFail was near the exit when she had an opportune bout of nausea resulting in a Medical Time Out. Of course she recovered in time to hold serve like a boss against Frenchwoman Stephanie Foretz. McFail got her act together to win the match 12-10 in the final set. Again these ladies resorting to tricks whenever their backs are up against the wall! These trainers should have to give a full report upon each visit to the court and if the illness is not “real and/or possible” the player has to pay a fine. They are getting too ridiculous with these MTOs now.

That was a great read Realz

That was a great read Realz

On the men’s side, things were far more copacetic than it was on the women’s side. In fact, I think there was only 1 major casualty and again if we look at the big picture, it was no real surprise. However, let’s deal with the usual suspects first.

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair .. or at least whatever is left of it

Divadal may try telling the world that he is not a favourite for this Aussie Open title, but like all things coming out of Divadal’s mouth regarding his health and fitness, it is a lie straight from the pit of tennis hell. Divadal (3) came out against Mikhail Youzhny on fire. Youzhny who is no real slouch most of the times, really had no answer against the Spaniard. Divadal was hitting winners from all over the court in the most impossible and improbable positions. The commentators from both ESPN and EuroSport were beside themselves. It was a circle jerk at times how they were fawning over Divadal. They talked about how his shorts were “the shortest ever”, they talked about how they “missed him so much” and even about this look and body. It was too much. Anyway, Divadal is through 6-3 6-2 6-2.

I am back and don't none of you bitches forget that!

I am back to full force and don’t none of you bitches forget that!

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer (2) again appears on target to extend his 11-year run to the Aussie Open semifinal or better stage. He took out Yen-Hsun Lu in straight sets 6-4 6-2 7-5. Lochness Murray (6) made a meal of his match against Yuki Bhambri but in the end he won in straight sets 6-3 6-4 7-6(3). Berdshite (7) also made life a bit difficult for himself against Alejandro Falla but he still got the job done in 3 sets, 6-3 7-6(1) 6-3. Grigor Dimitrov (10) aka Martha’s Bulgarian handbag had an easy day at the office when he took out German-Jamaican Dusty Brown 6-2 6-3 6-2. The worst part of the matter was that Dusty Brown thought he was going to factor in this match. He at one point appeared as though he was trying to do something of interest on the court. Thankfully Dimitrov got his clutch together and snapped those foolish desires away.

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Other winners included Kevin Anderson (14) who at 6’8” (2.03m) took on an opponent more than a foot beneath him, Diego Schwartzman who is 5’7” (1.7m). Anderson still had to fight for his life as Schwartzman was digging at his heels. Anderson took the match in 4 sets. David Goffin (20) aka the Hobbit also won in 4 sets over American Mike Russell. Most of the top seeds won their matches in straight sets including Philipp Kohlschreiber (22), Ivo Karlovic (23), Richard Gasquet (24), Leonardo Mayer (26) and Martin Klizan (32). Lukas Rosol (28) who at 6’5” (1.96m) had the rare opponent whose face he had to look up to see, Kenny DeScheppers, 6’8” (2.03m). It was a virtual battle of the giants. However, Rosol eked out the win in 5 sets to advance to the 2nd round. A possible 3rd round encounter with Divadal looms in the draw if both players can win their next match.

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

There were several matches with winners that should be of some interests to some people. Lukas Lacko, Jurgen Melzer and Viktor Troicki were all winners on Day 1. Melzer came through from qualification showing  some Q3 (final round) heroics on the court. So good of him to come back from the brink of defeat in the qualies  and win a maindraw match to make some 2nd round money. Troicki who won Sydney this past weekend faced the winner from Auckland, Jiri Vesely. Unfortunately, someone had to go home and it was Vesely in 4 sets. Jeremy Chardy (29) escaped a youthful Borna Coric who seemed to have thought that enthusiasm made up for experience. Coric took the 1st set but then played the big points poorly for the rest of the match. Chardy thus capitalized on his inexperience to take the match in 4 sets.

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major. He made life very easy for Chardy. Nonetheless, the 18-year is still HOT

Another interesting result is that of Andreas Seppi v Denis Istomin. This first round encounter was their 5th meeting at a major and in each of the 4 previous matches, they all went the distance. They both won 2 matches a piece. This 5th match was no different as it again went to a decisive 5th set. Seppi won it this time around and moved through to the 2nd round. In other news and more so from the rumour mill, Divadal’s boo, Juan Monaco, Pico, lost to Italian Simone Bollelli. Please note that the rumour is not that Monaco lost but the fact that he is Divadal’s boo.

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic?

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic? I thought you said I shouldn’t go after stupid boys

As we are in Australia at the Australian Open, I think it prudent that we note the achievements of the Aussie men because we all know that the Aussie ladies be a mess in Melbourne. Several of the local favourites extended their stay in Melbourne including the hotness that is Sam Groth. So happy he is sticking around some more. Marinko Matosevic and James Duckworth also won and will play in the 2nd round. Bernard Tomic aka Tampomic was in a bit of trouble against Tobias Kamke of Germany but it seems that Kamke was merely wasting time. He had difficulty holding onto any of the leads that he had and eventually got sweeped aside in 4 sets.

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st "major" seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st “major” seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Now there were two other matches which produced a lot of joy and excitement for the local crowd. Thanasi Kokkinakis and fellow Greek-Aussie Nick Kyrgios aka St. Nicky Kripsy Kringles both won tough 5-set matches. Kokkinakis took out Ernests Gulbis (11). I know Gulbis would not disappoint me by being disappointing in this opening round match. I have no idea why Gulbis lost this match other than to say that it was his entire entire fault. Kokkinaskis took it 5-7 6-0 1-6 7-6(2) 8-6. Krispy Kringles had his own dramatics calling out the trainer to deal with his “back”. He was struggling against Frederico Delbonis (the name sounds familiar but I do not know who he is either). Anyway, Kringles won 7-6(2) 3-6 6-3 6-7 6-3.

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

Anyway, that is enough about the matches! We look forward to Day 2. I hope it is nowhere near as crazy as this first day. That is to say, I hope the Williams Sisters do not lose. They have signed up for doubles and I have no idea why Granny Vee is adding more work to her schedule considering that she has Sjogren but you know I am not even going to touch this right now. Don’t forget that Slowe Stephens v Vickie is slated! Should be a very interesting match to say the least! Anyway fanz enjoy the posting and DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT!!

BIG PICTURE MIXED BAG IS BACK

I am so excited that this is back!!

I am so excited that this is back!!

 #TeamHotties

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Dimitrov, Grigor|atpd875

Grigor’s stock have gone down as of late especially since he’s playing “house” with Martha but he can still get it.

2015+Australian+Open+Day+1+wdkuFbCGS3Rl

Andreas Seppi isn’t looking at his best but he cannot get any worst! This Italian sausage is a sure bet on #teamcandefinitelygetit

f_190115_nadalferrer_11

We are not here for Divadal. He is just giving Fake Fire Ferrer more shine!

Off+Court+2015+Australian+Open+nKlV6pLaFsOl

Tabasco Verdasco has definitely sen better days but he is still able to make the rounds as a resident hottie in these parts

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

#TeamCutie

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

#TeamNottie

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you're a grown man

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you’re a grown man

See he could be on #teamhottie

See he could be on #teamhottie

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

I don't know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I don’t know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she's definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she’s definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

Am I wrong?

Am I wrong?

MIXED BAG PHOTOS

There is nothing I love more than when Tennis Players meet for an event. Here we have the IMG Agency party and so much goodies here for Realz to get it. 

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my list of my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He's a nightmare right about now

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He’s a nightmare right about now! He has definitely been traded

Look at Heather. I don't get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain't cute!

Look at Heather. I don’t get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain’t cute! And let’s talk about that dress. That’s some avant garde upholstery fabric sewed together with some old pleather jacket and you trying to pass it off as fashion. #Gurlbye

I can't even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better

I can’t even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. The clothes are cute but she is not making them work. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better. Meanwhile, I don’t know why the front of the jeans are bunching up like there is extra junk in that compartment. That was not a read, just being realz! #truthdotcom

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can't get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that.

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can’t get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that. 

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend said, gurl let's go to this party, just put on some shoes. So Genie just stuck her top into her pants and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. The gurl on the right killed it!

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend (cause no way in hell a good friend let this happen) said, gurl let’s go to this party down the block, just put on some shoes and let’s go. So Genie just stuck her nightgown top into this pajama bottom shorts and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. Guess Again! The gurl on the right, Tomlijanovic, killed it!

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she's wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she's 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there's no baby.

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a style team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she’s wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. But I can’t even be mad at the kitten heels because everything else is so RIGHT!!Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she’s 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there’s no baby.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don't need those fake ones anymore.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don’t need those fake ones anymore that I have at home.

Weather Problem? 

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne or so I thought …

So why are these people wearing this? That's a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

So why are these people wearing this? That’s a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

It’s just a gay ole time in Melbourne 

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Then we have the "Genie Army" but what I don't get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

Then we have the “Genie Army” but what I don’t get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He's relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that's his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don't think Uncle Toné approves of this message

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He’s relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that’s his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don’t think Uncle Toné approves of this message

 

2015 Australian Open: Womenz Preview

In Agnes Radwanska, Alize Cornet, Ana Ivanovic, Andrea Petkovic, Angelique Kerber, Australian Open, Carla Suarez Narravo, Caroline Wozniacki, Dominika Cibulkova, Ekaterina Makarova, Eugenie Bouchard, Flavia Pennetta, Genie Bouchard, Lindsay Davenport, Maria Sharapova, Na Li, Petra Kvitova, Sabine Lisicki, Sam Stosur, Sara Errani, Serena Williams, Simona Halep, Slaone Stephens, Tennis, Venus Williams, Victoria Azarenka on January 18, 2015 at 3:23 pm
I am so happy to not be out there in the hot sun this year!

I am so happy to not be out there in the hot sun this year!

The Womenz Draw should be very interesting this year. For first time in a good while, Serena Williams is not the name of the favourite to win this tournament. Mind you, that is not to say that people are discounting the American. No, far from it. They simply think there might be others willing and capable of taking this major crown. In fact, Williams despite being the 5-time Australian champion is less favoured over Simona Halep (3) who apparently many feel is the sure bet winner. I am as confused by this as you are. I really cannot offer any real reason behind this logic other than to say since Halep is one of the 128 women signed up in the main draw, she, like each of the other 127 women do stand a chance of winning the title. That is the best I can do with this information.  

Someone tell ReRe that she is gonna need a hair net because I ain't trying to eat none of that hair in my cake

Someone tell ReRe that she is gonna need a hair net because I ain’t trying to eat none of that hair in my cake. (I am gonna pretend like I didn’t see those hair edges looking like a seaside cliff all rough and rocky)

Anyway, this 2015 season is just over 2 weeks old and there have been many oddities. Serena did not play a real tournament coming into the major as she has done in recent years. She was the two-time defending champion in Brisbane but she opted not to play that tournament for Hopman Cup, a mixed exhibition tournament. She made it to the finals with partner John Isner having struggled all the way there. Serenanator was well off her game though many say not to read much into this. Nonetheless, she got bagelled by Penne Pasta Pennetta, Bouchard clocked and snatched her wig winning in straight sets 6-1 6-2 or something like that and then struggled past Safarova. In the finals v Bratzwanska she was messy like a public bathroom. Again, one should not read much into this they say. I for one think that a Serena going into the Aussie Open full of confidence makes for a problematic Serena. Last three years 2012-2014, she was the heavy favourite and each year saw the American leaving Melbourne empty-handed. Hopefully this year brings greater fortune.

Serena didn't come this year and I finally got the Brisbane title

Serena didn’t come this year and I finally got the Brisbane title

In her absence, Martha (2) picked up the Brisbane title seeing as she lost to Serena there the last two years. Anyway, Shriekapova avenged her Cincinnati loss to Ivanovic the Terrible (5) in the final. Martha, the 3-time finalist and 2008 Champion is definitely looking to pick up another Aussie title. Simona Halep like I said is also inexplicably in my book, garnering a lot of attention. Many feel that she can take the crown here. She won a title in Shenzhen and then signed up to play Sydney. She pulled out thankfully citing injury. I do not understand why Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug thinks she has to play week in and week out. It is just not that serious.

Simona Halep aka Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug with her Shenzhen trophy

Simona Halep aka Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug with her Shenzhen trophy

GHW Kvitova with her Sydney trophy

GHW Kvitova with her Sydney trophy

Who eventually won Sydney was GHW Kvitova (4) who lost to some Bascinzsky girl in straight sets in Shenzhen in the first week. I do not understand how that happened myself but I saw the match so I can tell you with much certainty that it did happen for real. So Kvitova is coming into a major having played two weeks of tennis. I am not her coach so again I am clueless as to logic behind this bit of madness. Look I am not trying to shade Petra here or anything like that but I have this slight observation. Petra be playing so much tennis yet she is not the fittest lady on tour. I do not get this but clearly it is not for me to get.

Granny Vee with her Auckland trophy and moist hairdo

Granny Vee with her Auckland trophy and moist hairdo

Anyway, while we are on the subject of fitness, spare me a moment of your time to talk about Ebony Starr aka Granny Vee aka Venus Williams (18). Venus returned to Auckland this year having lost in last year’s final and again made a very decisive run this year to take the title. She faced her sister’s supposed BFF Caroline Woz aka Danish Biscuit (8) for the title. Venus who has never lost to the Dane was en pointe after dropping the opening set. So Granny Vee is also coming into this tournament with a lot of steam behind her name. Meanwhile, Agatha aka Bratzwanska (6) got herself a new coach, the one and only Martina Navratilova. So a lot of buzz is behind Agatha now because the perennial bridesmaid is looking to finally be the bride and win a major. Martina thinks she can do this. I have my doubts about this. Anyhow, so Aga beat Serena at the exhibition and the ESPN cronies were beside themselves; “It’s the Martina influence!” Then Agatha went to a real tournament and lost her opening match. Is this Martina again? I just sipped my tea because if I say something people will say I am a hater. So I am going to keep quiet on this matter.

sips-tea-meme-honey-boo-boo

Anyway, in other really big news on the women’s side is the fact that the number 1 ranking is up for grabs amongst Serenanator, Shriekapova, Koolaide Jug and GHW (Grand High Witch. I am not being mean here at but sometimes Petra be reminding me of Anjelica Huston from The Witches. Check it out and comment below if you agree and/or disagree). Anyway, the top 4 ladies all have a chance to be number 1 depending on how far they each go and how well the others do.

Wait what? We can all be Number 1 at the end of this week? NO only the Top 4 and just in case you're unclear about this Caro, that means, ReRe, Martha, Simona and Petra!

Wait what? We can all be Number 1 at the end of this week? NO only the Top 4 and just in case you’re unclear about this Caro, that means, ReRe, Martha, Simona and Petra! Because some of you look like you can’t count … No shade Genie

Let’s get to the main reason why we are here: the Draw Breakdown. Like the menz, we will be doing the same thing; breaking down the main draw into halves, then quarters and finally eighths.

2015 Australian Open Top Womenz Seeds

Top Half

Bottom Half

1. Serena Williams (Serenanator/ReRe) 2. Maria Sharapova (Martha/Shriekapova)
4. Petra Kvitova (Grand High Witch) 3. Simona Halep (Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug)
6. Agnieszka Radwanska (Agatha/Bratzwanska) 5. Ana Ivanovic (Ivanovic the Terrible)
8. Caroline Wozniacki (Danish Biscuit) 7. Genie Bouchard (Nothing has stick yet)
11. Dominika Cibulkova (Cibuttkova) 9. Angelique Kerber (Angie/Carebear Kerber)
12. Flavia Pennetta (Penne Pasta Pennetta) 10. Ekaterina Makarova (Not worthy)
13. Andrea Petkovic (Not worthy) 14. Sara Errani (Alien v Predator/ETranni)
15. Jelena Jankovic (Fivehead Jungle Witch) 16.  Lucie Safarova (Lady Gollum)
18. Venus Williams (Granny Vee/Ebony Starr) 17. Carla Suarez-Navarro (Nothing has stick yet)
19. Alizé Cornet (Lordlize Cornemort) 21. Shuai Peng (Not worthy)
20. Sam Stosur (D’Stove) 22. Karolina Pliskova (Not worthy)
24. Garbine Muguruza (Not worthy) 23. Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (Fattychunkova)
25. Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (Not worthy) 27. Svetlana Kuznetsova (Kuzi-Rexi)
26. Elina Svitolina (Not worthy) 28. Sabine Lisicki (Lose-sicki)
29. Casey Dellacqua (Not worthy) 31. Zarina Diyas (Not worthy)
30. Varvara Lepchenko (Not worthy) 32. Belinda Bencic (Not worthy)

 *Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person!
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

Serenanator (1) v GHW Kvitova (4) Top Half

Should they reach they both reach the semis, it should be an interesting match

Should they reach they both reach the semis, it should be an interesting match

Serenanator (1) v Danish Biscuit (8) Quarter

You best get your life together because you know everyone is gunning to take you out

You best get your life together because you know everyone is gunning to take you out

Serena’s Section Eighth: At the end of the day, it has to be said that the only real bother that Serenanator has is herself. She is quite capable of decimating the entire field without a pause. She is really that good. However, as has been quite evident in her career, she allows herself to get in the way of herself (if that makes any kinda sense to you). Serena’s B game and/or C game is still capable of beating most of the tour. The thing is that, at majors, many of these women are no longer allowing her to get away with an average performance. Serena herself admitted last Wimbledon that she has to come out blazing because there are girls/women out there who come into a tournament just to play that one match of a lifetime to beat her and then get dismissed the next day. She knows that if she wants to win majors, it will require two weeks of focus, determination and great tennis.

Thank heavens we are seeing no more blonde Remi weave

Thank heavens we are seeing no more blonde Remi weave

With that said, the American should get to the 4th round no problemo! Svitolina (26) an up and coming Ukrainian is her potential 3rd round opponent but I see Serena getting past her without much of a headache. However, we thought that this would have been the case at Wimbledon and the French Open last year and Serena did not get out of the 3rd round of either of those tournaments. And speaking of those tournament, both Lordlize Cornemort (19) [beat her in the 3rd round of Wimbledon] and Garbine Muguruza (24) [beat her in the 2nd round of the French Open] are in this quarter. Serena may face Muguruza in the 4th round if the Spaniard takes out Fivehead Jankovic (15) in the 3rd round. Serena will only face Cornemort if the Frenchwoman can get to the quarterfinals; something she has yet to do in her 35 previous appearances at majors.

Do I look bothered by the fact that Muguruza and Cornemort as in my section of the draw? No really do I look bothered because I am not sure if I am at all.

Do I look bothered by the fact that Muguruza and Cornemort as in my section of the draw? No really do I look bothered because I am not sure if I am at all.

Woz is desperately looking for her 1st major title

Woz is desperately looking for her 1st major title

Danish Biscuit’s Section Eighth: This is a rather interesting section as Woz opens her campaign for her 1st ever major title facing young American Taylor Townsend who might be going places in the world of tennis. Nothing would be better for the American than a solid win over a top ranked player. Nonetheless, I think Woz will win this. The really interesting thing about this section is that the 2nd round opponent for Woz could be 2-time Aussie Open champion, Vickie Azarenka. Vickie is coming off injury and has virtually missed an entire year, so her rankings are not where they could be. Vickie will face Slowe Stephens in the 1st round, a re-match of 2013 semifinals and 2014 4th round here in Melbourne. This is a MUST SEE MATCH I think. So Woz has a lot of dangerous floaters in her part including Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (25) in the 3rd round and either Cornemort (19) or last year’s finalist Cibuttkova (11) in the Round of 16. After getting past all this, Woz might face Serena for a chance to play the semis. She is basically in a mind field; so many potential places for it to all blow up in her face.

2-time champion here in Melbourne is also desperate to find her winning form coming back from injury

2-time champion here in Melbourne is also desperate to find her winning form coming back from injury

GHW Kvitova (4) v Aga Bratzwanska (6) Quarter

Poor Petra does not do well in the heat

Poor Petra does not do well in the heat

GHW Kvitova’s Section Eighth: I honestly expect Kvitova to get to the 4th round without any problems. Anything less than that, she deserves scorn and mockery. It is time that the 2-time Wimbledon champion stop losing to no-namers all over the place and struggling through “epic 3-set matches”. American Madison Keys has recently added the services of 2000 Aussie Open champion Lindsay Davenport to her camp. Hopefully this helps the young American be more reliable in matches. She will have to get by Kvitova in the 3rd round though and that will be a true measure of things. Someone to watch in this section is Andrea Petkovic (13) who has a real shot of getting to the 4th round here looking at the draw. Someone to not watch is Sam Stosur (20) who I am sure will go out in the 1st round. D’Stove is incapable of winning in her home country. I swear even if you write D’Stove in the final, she would find a way of losing in the semifinals. It is like she is allergic to the home crowd support. So like I said, it is Kvitova’s section to win or lose. She should be in the quarters.

Madison Keys and Lindsay Davenport

Madison Keys and Lindsay Davenport

Sam stretching for nothing in Melbourne

Sam stretching for nothing in Melbourne

Aga and her new coach Martina

Aga and her new coach Martina

Aga Bratzwanska (6) Section Eighth: No doubt about it, Aga should make it to the Round of 16 no trouble other than a potential tricky opponent in Varvara Lepchencko (30) in the 3rd round. However, the real glitz of this section is that Venus Williams (18) is present here. Venus is playing well as per Brisbane and she is moving forward a lot and showing off a much improved volleying technique thanks to Katrina Adams, the new USTA President (congrats gurl). Hopefully, she MUST play smart efficient tennis out there and get through to the 4th Round. She would have to beat Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) though in the 3rd round. Also meeting Aga in the Round of 16 is not good because Venus has been dragged by the Pole as of late. She can barely win a set off Aga. So she will need all her strength to get through that match and face Kvitova in the quarters for another showdown match! Their Wimbledon encounter last year was arguably the best match of the women’s tournament.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Ms. Koolaide Juice Jug Halep (3) Bottom Half

Simona has been Martha's pigeon as of late, so she will be looking to change that this tournament

Simona has been Martha’s pigeon as of late, so she will be looking to change that this tournament

Halep (3) v Ivanovic the Terrible (5) Quarter

Promise me that Ivanovic the Terrible is not going to show up here in Melbourne.

Promise me that Ivanovic the Terrible is not going to show up here in Melbourne.

Ivanovic the Terrible’s Section Eighth: Ana should get to the Round of 16 which she will potential meet tough lefty Ekaterina Makarova (10) there. Makarova is a dangerous floater at majors. She is always good for one major upset. If she gets past the Russian, there will a Romanian in the form of Halep waiting there for her. Meanwhile of her own accord, Ivanovic the Terrible can show up and mess up Ana’s life and have her losing to a Belinda Bencic (32) for no reason in the 3rd round. So be prepared for anything from this section.

Realz don't watch my eyebrows. I know they need to be done but we're not here for that

Realz don’t watch my eyebrows. I know they need to be done but we’re not here for that

Halep’s Section Eighth: Halep had a glorious 2014, quarterfinalist here, finals in Roland Garros and Wimbledon semifinals. Not to mention that she made it to the WTA YEC final beating Serena in straight sets on her way there only to lose in straight sets to Serena but she played a great tournament. With all that, Koolaide Juice Jug is hoping to improve upon those results this year with a new coach who she said is more in line with her Romanian philosophy. I think Halep will make the quarterfinal without much of a fuss. In the 3rd round, she could meet Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki but even this matchup I am sure Halep will get by without any trouble. Sara ETrrani (14) is a possible 4th round opponent. However, I am not sure what the Italian will do this year on tour. Her ranking is slipping downwards so she would definitely love a boost to be back in the top 10. She is also a dangerous player except when she is playing Martha or Serena. Otherwise, Errani can be hell for most players on her good day. So if Halep wants to win this title or at least get close to winning it, she best watch out for the likes of Errani.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Bouchard (7) Quarter

Wait what? You're saying if this were the sport that's the only way I am winning a major?

Wait what? You’re saying if this were the sport that’s the only way I am winning a major?

Bouchard’s Section Eighth: The Canadian is another of those young ladies who had a great 2014: semis in Melbourne, Roland Garros and a Wimbledon final. She also got to the WTA finals but she did not win a single match in her debut. Nonetheless, she has a lot of points to defend this year and without a coach in her corner, things might not be so smooth as they were last year. Bouchard could face veteran and 2-time major champion Kuzi-Rex (27) in the 3rd round and then the tricky German lefty, Carebear Kerber (9) or that Spanish Lady Hobbit, Carla Suarez Navarro (17) in the Round of 16. I do not think Bouchard is gonna make it to the quarterfinals but one never knows.

Wait what? Cornemort and Murguruza are in the same quarter as Serena? Sweet LOL

Wait what? Cornemort and Murguruza are in the same quarter as Serena? Sweet LOL

And no I don't practice the dark arts of draw fixing ... at least not all the time :-)

And no I don’t practice the dark arts of draw fixing … at least not all the time 🙂

Martha Shriekapova’s Section Eighth: I think we can just about safely write in quarterfinals and/or semifinals. She has no real threats in path at all. In fact, she has not lost to Halep yet. So even if the seeds stay true to form, Martha might be a sure bet. Her 3rd round opponent is Zarina Diyas (31) who has no fire power to hurt Martha in the least. Only tough draw for the Russian might be Lucie Safarova (16) who will have to play the match of her life to get this upset. Nonetheless, I think we can put Martha in the finals and if anyone shows up other than Kvitova and Serena, it is Martha’s title to win or lose.

So here we are at the end! I hope we have a fun and great Aussie Open this year. Hopefully my favourites get their lives together and win the darn thing!

As much as I want to be loving LiNaLi in this picture giving me that pregnancy glow, that security guard in those shoes are KILLING ME! This is why I can never buy a pair of New Balance to save my life

As much as I want to be loving LiNaLi in this picture giving me life with that beautiful pregnancy glow, that security guard in those shoes is KILLING ME! This is why I can never buy a pair of New Balance to save my life

Vickie is out partying. I hope she has her life together because she has a tough road ahead of her to get back to the top

Vickie is out partying. I hope she has her life together because she has a tough road ahead of her to get back to the top

It is like Venus loves to piss me off. WTF is she wearing a napkin on her head. And I am sorry this dress looks okay but it is giving me Christmas Angel pageant so I cannot approve

It is like Venus loves to piss me off. WTF is she wearing a napkin on her head? And I am sorry this dress looks okay but it is giving me Christmas Angel pageant so I cannot approve. Serena I can see your busted edges from here

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2015 Australian Open: Menz Preview

In Andy Murray, Australian Open, Borna Coric, David Ferrer, David Goffin, Donald Young, Dustin Brown, Feliciano Lopez, Fernando Verdasco, Gael Monfils, Gilles Simon, Grigor Dimitrov, Jerzy Janowicz, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Juan Martin Del Potro, Kei Nishikori, Lleyton Hewitt, Lukas Rosol, Mikhail Youzhny, Milos Raonic, Nick Kyrgios, Nicolas Almagro, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Richard Gasquet, Roger Federer, Stanislas Wawrinka, Tennis, Tomas Berdych on January 18, 2015 at 1:32 pm

2015+Australian+Open+Previews+OwuetKlzywtl

So here we are at the Australian Open 2015, January 19-February 1! I feel like we always start out each new major posting with the same tired line. However, really and truly I am not sure how else to begin! I mean we all know why we are here and what we are about. So why complicate matters? Wait, I could have started out by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR to my old fanz and the new fanz we hope to get this coming year! I am hoping that 2015 bring RealzTenisFanz into more homes, screens, mobile devices and tennis fans’ consciousness. We are not seeking legitimacy here because RealzTenisFanz is and has always been a “prestigious publication”. RealzTenisFanz is however seeking more recognition, more publicity because let us be real about the matter, RealzTenisFanz does not really have much us an audience! We are going to change that for 2015. We are also going to change the fact that FANZ NEED TO COMMENT BELOW!

COMMENT BELOW

COMMENT BELOW

In case you are new to RealzTenisFanz and I hope that many of you are new, we keep it realz and controversial in these parts. We do not hold back and we have no/nil/nilch/zero fcuks and/or cares to give! You will love it here because we allow everyone to have a say (PLEASE COMMENT BELOW) and also even if you are a casual fan of tennis or know nothing at all about the sport, RealzTenisFanz has something for you! So stick around and again Happy New Year to all my peeps and haters too! Trust and believe, Realz got nothing but admiration for my haters who can stay so bitter and keep on giving me shine! Bless your evil hearts!

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Anyway, let us not digress too much! We are here for another year of tennis courtesy the many players on both the ATP and WTA! We all have ones we love (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), those we hate (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), some we pretend do not exist (Fake Fire Ferrer, St. Nick Krispy Kringle, Berdshite, Ernests Gulbis, Lordlize Cornemort, Garbine Muguruza, Tsvetana Pironkova) and those we do not even know exist (Michael Berrer, Zarina Diyas, Pablo Cuevas, Santiago Gulbis). Nonetheless, Realz is here to make all this simple and easy. Realz take away all the fluff, pomp and circumstances of “traditional and/or mainstream sports media” and give it to you straight, stiff and strong … Who am I kidding, ain’t nothing straight in these parts unless we mean “Spaghetti Straight”; it is straight until you cook it.

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Enough grandstanding, so we are at the Australian Open in Melbourne and we have to do the traditional bit of “Picks of the Tournaments”! However, I often find this all very boring, dull and merely a lot of hot air talk mixed with bullshit analysis. I am not one to favour picking a winner because as you all know, Realz subscribes to the maxim, “The game is won and lost on the field not on paper!” Nonetheless, we can do some talking about the draw and checking out how things are stacked and who might get where or who might get nowhere or even who just not anywhere at all. Of course, we will have the obligatory photos to shade and shadow the players!

So let us begin with the MENZ (Do note that the WOMENZ’s breakdown will be issued in a separate post. The next post after this in fact!)

As have been the case as of late, I break the draw down into halves, then quarters and then further still into eighths. I find this way easier to deal and manage. I also wish I can come up with a cool graphic to display it all but Realz ain’t got money for all that so it will be down the good ole fashioned bootleg way! That is to say, it will be mostly words.

BELOW IS THE BREAKDOWN OF THE TOP 32 SEEDS!

2015 Australian Open Top Menz Seeds

Top Half

Bottom Half

1. Novak Djokovic (Djoker Harlequeen) 2. Roger Federer (Mr. Federer/Mr. Federror)
4. Stan Wawrinka (Stanley) 3. Rafael Nadal (Divadal)
5. Kei Nishikori (Horsikori) 6. Andy Murray (Lochness Monster)
8. Milos Raonic (Dennis the Menace) 7. Tomas Berdych (Berdshite)
9. David Ferrer (Fake Fire Ferrer) 10. Grigor Dimitrov (Maria’s Bulgarian handbag)
12. Feliciano Lopez (FeFe Lopez) 11. Ernests Gulbis (Nothing has stick yet)
13. Roberto Bautista-Agut (Not Worthy) 14. Kevin Anderson (Not Worthy)
16. Fabio Fognini (Pignini) 15. Tommy Robredo (Not Worthy)
17. Gael Monfils (Beetlejuice) 20. David Goffin (Hobbit)
18. Gilles Simon (Chicken Legs/Drumsticks) 22. Philipp Kohlschreiber (Nothing has stick yet)
19. John Isner (Big Friend Giant Mountain Troll) 23. Ivo Karlovic (Nothing has stick yet)
21. Alexandr Dolgopolov (BWLLAGWLLAB) 24. Richard Gasquet (Nothing has stick yet)
25. Julien Benneteau (Julie B) 26. Leonardo Mayer (Mulling over a name for him)
27. Pablo Cuevas (Have no idea who he is) 28. Lukas Rosol (Ended Divadal’s 2012 life)
30. Santiago Giraldo (Who he?) 29. Jeremy Chardy (Not Worthy)
31. Fernando Verdasco (Tabasco Verdasco) 32. Martin Klizan (Not Worthy)

*Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person! 
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

So let us begin:

Djoker (1) v Stanley (4) Top Half

Bae, why does your face feel like it got attacked by a meat tenderizer?

Bae, why does your face feel like it got attacked by a meat tenderizer?

Djoker (1) v Raonic (8) Quarter

You all know I am here to pick up my 5th Aussie Open title

You all know I am here to pick up my 5th Aussie Open title

Djoker’s Section Eighth: The 4-time Aussie Open Champion, Djoker, opens his bid for a 5th title with a qualifier. He has no one of real quality until a possible 3rd round showing against Tabasco Verdasco (31) a previous semifinalist here if I am not mistaken. However, if we are going to be serious here, Tabasco Verdasco has long since failed to be a hot consistent player on tour unless we are talking body hot and even there he is lacking as of late. Truth be told, he is playing more like mayonnaise than hot sauce these days. I am actually surprised that he is seeded here at all. Therefore, Djoker should have no trouble at all getting to the 4th Round where he could meet either John Isner (19) aka BFG Mountain Troll or Roberto Bautista-Agut (13) who has a different Spanish style of game. He hits a flat ball compared to his other compatriots. Djoker should get to quarters no problemo to face a real threat of sorts Milos Raonic!

Don't forget about me!
Don’t forget about me! I might be spoiling some people’s plans!

Raonic’s Section Eighth: In the quarters for the Serbian, looms another big server in the form of Raonic (8). The Canadian should also get to the quarters but he has to be very very smart about his tennis. There are several well-experienced players in his eighth of the draw and they can be rather problematic. There are also a lot of tall players in this section. No doubt Raonic should move past the first two rounds. However, waiting for him in the 3rd round could be Julie B (25) or Lleyton Hewitt who even though is old and broken, does tend to like to stir things up when the big lights are on him. The organizers will definitely schedule this matchup on primetime and on Rod Laver Arena. However, Raonic should be able to handle this pressure by now. A 4th round possibility for the Canadian is Fefe Lopez (12) or Monfils aka Beetlejuice (17) and if he gets Beetlejuice, he might be in serious trouble. There are several matches in this section which should be rightly entertaining: A possible Juan Martin Del Potro (back from long term wrist injury) verses another giant in Jerzy Janowicz in the 1st round, then the winner of this faces Beetlejuice and the winner of that match play a possible Lopez (12) in the 3rd round and then that winner play Raonic. It is like the “Battle of the Giants”

*Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy has just pulled out of the Aussie Open citing precaution of a possible wrist injury! SUCH A SHAME. He will be replaced by Hiroki Moriya from Japan. I have NO IDEA who he is. As we are talking about those who will not be here, we should mention that Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Marin Cilic have both pulled out of the tournament citing injuries. Tsonga would be missed but I think Cilic pulled out because of the pressure of living up to his US Open win at the next major! It would be less pressure at the French Open where he is hardly favoured to win. 

Stanley (4) v Horsikori (5) Quarter

Don't get it twisted folks, I am defending champion so I got street creds for this here title!

Don’t get it twisted folks, I am defending champion so I got street creds for this here title!

Stanley’s Section Eighth: Stanley (4) should get to the Round of 16 without any hiccups whatsoever. I do not believe he will retain his surprise title from last year. No Shade No T here, Stanley took out Djoker, Berdshite and Divadal en route to the title. That was a real Herculean effort, unlikely to be repeated ever again but he still deserves praise for that accomplishment. However, he has the potential of at least getting to the semis which considering his usual pedigree would be a major achievement in and of itself. He could face in the 4th round (Round of 16), Fabio Fognini aka Pignini (16) and this I doubt because Pignini with slaughter himself along the way.

The teeth though!

The teeth though!

Horsikori’s Section Eighth: Horsikori (5) might have a tougher time getting to the quarterfinals. Gilles Simons (18) aka Chicken Legs or Drumsticks is capable of being a tough opponent if he plays to his true potential and not his shoe size. Kei will however, start off his Melbourne campaign against Nicolas Almagro who is returning to tour from long term injury. It is nice to see him back on tour, in fact, I love to see his back on tour because his behind is muy caliente. Horsikori should get to the Round of 16 where he can potentially face Fake Fire Ferrer (9) who is desperate to get back in top 5 ranking. Ferrer loves nothing better than to occupy that 5th place spot! He will be coming for Horsikori’s mane.

I mean look at this booty of Almagro! #icant

I mean look at this booty of Almagro! #icant

And this bodé! I mean he is not going to be around long so we have to soak up as much as we can while we can!

And this bodé! I mean he is not going to be around long so we have to soak up as much as we can while we can! 

Fake Fire Ferrer doesn't like being so close to bottom of the top 10! For him, being 5 in the world is Number 1 in his book, so best believe, he is looking to get back up there in 2015

Fake Fire Ferrer doesn’t like being so close to bottom of the top 10! For him, being 5 in the world is Number 1 in his book, so best believe, he is looking to get back up there in 2015

Mr. Federer (2) v Divadal (3) Bottom Half

Mr. Federer giving Divadal the sideeye having had his wig snatched by the Spaniard in Melbourne so many times now

Mr. Federer giving Divadal the sideeye having had his wig snatched by the Spaniard in Melbourne so many times now

Divadal (3) v Berdshite (7) Quarter

Berdshite is still around ... however, the tournament haven't started yet

Berdshite is still around … however, the tournament haven’t started yet

Berdshite’s Section Eighth: Berdshite should get to the Round of 16 at the very least. However, knowing how this Czech can go well off the rails, he is capable of losing in the 1st round as well as getting to the semifinals with some luck. He might face some stiff competition in the 3rd round if Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) is also playing up to his true potential. The same can also be said for Ernests Gulbis (11) who might face Berdshite in the 4th Round. Also lurking in these parts are Kevin Anderson (14) who has yet to get a win over Berdshite (one of the few sure things in Berdshite’s life) and also Gasquet (24). This section of the draw has the potential of a surprise quarterfinalist and/or some “upsets”.

Divadal is here people! Don't get it twisted, he might have been "sick" for months now but he is dangerous in Melbourne

Divadal is here people! Don’t get it twisted, he might have been “sick” for months now but he is dangerous in Melbourne

Divadal’s Section Eighth: Divadal has an easy ride into the semifinals. The former champion here in 2009 and last year’s finalist is looking to prove his worth after disappearing yet again from the tour with an “abnormal case of appendicitis”. He looked rusty in Doha losing to Michael Berrer (I don’t know who he is either) but there is virtually no one in these parts that Divadal cannot handle. However, I would have thought he could have handled the scrub Berrer. Nonetheless, this is a major and Divadal usually gets his life together for these big occasions. He opens against Mikhail Youzhny who is a former top 20 player but somehow found himself lurking in the far depth of the ranking. Youzhny if I am not mistaken has a win against Divadal at a major but I doubt it very much if he will be so lucky again. While we are on the subject of surprise win over Divadal at a major, in this section lurks the mercurial Lukas Rosol (28) who might be Divadal’s 3rd round opponent. However, I am not even sure if Rosol would get that far in the draw but I thought it only fair to point out that there was a potential of it happening.

Mr. Federer (2) v Lochness Monster Murray (6) Quarter

You know if I don't at least get to the finals, you're fired right Amelie?

You know if I don’t at least get to the finals, you’re fired right Amelie?

Lochness Monster’s Section Eighth: Now the end of last year did not bode well for the Scotsman who is a 3-time finalist here in Melbourne. He got his ass whipped by Mr. Federer at the Year Ending Championships; 0-6 1-6. After this result, Nessie fired his entire team with the lone exception of Amelie Mauresmo. He also decided to make it official with his long term girlfriend Kim Sears (I think that is how her name is pronounced but I hardly care one way or the other) Anyway, he too should have an easy time getting to the 2nd week of the tournament. He will potentially face Dimitrov (10) who I am not sure about as of late.

Dimitrov is looking to get his bag straps together!

Dimitrov is looking to get his bag straps together!

I have no clue which version of Martha’s Bulgarian handbag will show up in Melbourne. This clutch could play tennis like the real deal from the luxury shop or show up here like a knockoff from Chinatown. He should have no trouble getting past German Jamaican Dustin Brown in the 1st round. Brown I am sure will be spending the match thinking about all the tweets about him because after the match he will spend all his time retweeting. This fool spends more time retweeting on Twitter than on the actual tennis court. He swears he is the shite. Meanwhile, he cannot make the German Davis Cup team. #gurlbye Anyway, if Dimitrov is not up to the task, lil Hobbit David Goffin (20) might be there ready to take his spot in the 4th Round.

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Mr. Federer is ready to claim his 5th Aussie Open title!

Mr. Federer’s Section Eighth: Mr. Federer also has an easy time to quarters. Hopefully the teenager, Borna Coric can get his life together and win a couple of rounds to meet Mr. Federer in the 3rd round. Otherwise, Jeremy Chardy (29) might be Mr. Federer’s opponent. Not much to fear still unless one counts Tommy Robredo (15) who took out Mr. Federer at the 2013 US Open. Mr. Federer looked good coming into Melbourne having won the Brisbane title. He looked in great form as he dispatched both Dimitrov and Raonic. However, despite the immense talents that both Dimitrov and Raonic possess, they are hardly the real problem for Mr. Federer. If Mr. Federer wants to win this title, he has to beat Divadal and Djokovic back to back in a major. This is a HUGE ORDER especially at 33 years old. However, if anyone can get it done, it is Mr. Federer. Hopefully luck is on his side as well. 

Youngster Borna Coric is looking to make a splash on the tour this year

Youngster Borna Coric is looking to make a splash on the tour this year

OVERALL IMPRESSION OF THE MENZ DRAW

There is not really much else to say. The draw is evenly distributed. I really do not think that the bottom half is stacked more so than the top. However, the Melbourne organizers see it fit to place Mr. Federer and Divadal on the same side of the draw AGAIN. Mr. Federer who has made it to the Aussie Open semis or better (4-time Champion here) since 2004 (AMAZING RECORD), always seem to bump into Divadal a lot. Anyway, I think Djoker is the favourite no matter how you slice it. Whether he would win is another matter altogether but he is the one trending in my book. Supposedly, the weather in Melbourne will be cooler over the next two weeks and the courts are playing faster … allegedly. Now this might give Mr. Federer is good chance to claim his 18th major title but that is still is BIG ASK!

Never count out Divadal. He is on 14 majors and he is looking for number 15 to edge even closer to Mr. Federer in the top major winner category. A win here at the Aussie Open would make him the 2nd man in the Open-Era (open meaning that the sport is open to both tennis professionals and amateurs) to win each major at least twice! Meanwhile, Lochness Murray is desperate to keep his name in the “Honourable Mention” section in light of the top 3 players listed above. He can definitely make the necessary noise here to do so by winning this elusive title. However, for him to get to the final and win this title will require a Herculean effort. I am not sure he has that power.

Mr. Nicky Kripsy Kringles Kyrgios is confused as to what the deal is. He looks like he's ready for some ratchet fashion shoot in some back alley

Mr. Nicky Kripsy Kringles Kyrgios is confused as to what the deal is. He looks like he’s ready for some ratchet fashion shoot in some back alley

I don't know why Hewitt's son Cruz is on the court. Seems like daddy has babysitting issues. It is my feelings that Hewitt is not retiring because Becky doesn't want him home and he needs the money because his old broken body should be home by now

I don’t know why Hewitt’s son Cruz is on the court. Seems like daddy has babysitting issues. It is my feelings that Hewitt is not retiring because Becky doesn’t want him home and he needs the money because his old broken body should be home by now

Anyway, I think we can wrap up the menz here for now. I look forward to giving you the “in-depth” coverage from Melbourne!  

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