Archive for November, 2014|Monthly archive page

Wawrinka and Federer Bring the Davis Cup to Switzerland

In Uncategorized on November 23, 2014 at 6:18 pm

#TeamSwiss won its first Davis Cup Final ever. Congrats to the entire team!!

Tennis Abides: Dan Martin on Tennis and Life

Stanislas and Roger’s Excellent Adventure

This match set a tone

Stanislas Wawrinka added Switzerland’s first Davis Cup title to a year that saw him win a first Grand Slam and a first Masters 1000 title. Roger Federer added an important missing piece to his unprecedented career.  Stan and Roger also won Gold for Switzerland in doubles in 2008.  They have done a lot for the Swiss in international competition.  Stan has also helped his chances at entering the International Tennis Hall of Fame one day.  He is probably not at the threshold yet, but this year ticked off 3 big boxes for admittance.  Roger Federer capped a season that shed a lot of the doubts that surrounded his 2013 campaign.  It is easy to see Roger playing through 2016 whereas one year ago I had my doubts. Roger enters 2015 one Australian Open title away from a return to the…

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2014 ATP What the FCUK Finals?

In Andy Murray, ATP World Tour Finals, David Ferrer, Gael Monfils, Grigor Dimitrov, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Kei Nishikori, Marin Cilic, Milos Raonic, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Stanislas Wawrinka, Tomas Berdych on November 15, 2014 at 10:35 am


At some point in this lifetime, someone has to pay me serious money in order to discuss tennis. It is a near crime that I am not doing this for a living especially when we consider my posting on the 2014 Barclay’s World Tour Finals; my preview edition. I have been dead-on with my assessment! It has been a virtual shit show for all the tennis fans because it seems like this tournament is more of an ATP 250’s series instead of the sport’s top elite 8 battling it out for the Year Ending Championship title. I swear one might see far more competitive matches at a Challenger event than at the “O2 Arena” this past week. Through the first 2 rounds of RR Group matches, 8 matches, there have been 8 straight-set victories to the higher ranked player with 1 bagel set (6-0), 6 breadsticks (6-1), 1 tiebreaker (7-6) where the loser did not win a single point for a total of 8 hours and 26 minutes of actual play, averaging just about 1 hour and 3 minutes per match. The 3rd round matches were hardly contests as opposed to being carnival. Yeah folks, this is what the game top 8 men have to offer at the end of the year. I told you all that you should have added Grigor Dimitrov, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Beetlejuice Monfils and Gulbis. Things would have been so much better.


I hardly want to discuss the actual specifics of the two groups, Group A and Group B but I think I must because there was this filthy lie that was spread about that Group A was so much more competitive than Group B. Well that old adage of “The truth will always be relieved” certainly held true. When Group A took to play on Monday, it was like we were at the Olive Garden’s World Tour Finals because it was unlimited breadsticks. Both Djoker Harlequeen (1) and Stanley (3) dispatched of their opponents, Berdshite (6) and Chin Cilic (8) with a 6-1 6-1 scoreline respectively. Neither match lasted more than hour if I am not mistaken. It was pitiful but hardly surprising to me. The only good thing about that result was that neither Chin Cilic nor Berdshite was in 4th place; they were both tied for 3rd at the end of the day’s play. Always look at the bright side of things no?

Even Cece Houston is not impressed with this level of play here in London

Even Cece Houston is not impressed with this level of play here in London. Whitney’s funeral had more drama and excitement than this!

Everyone was going on about how brilliant Stanley played against Berdshite and figured that his next matchup v Djoker was sure to be as thrilling as their last encounter in Melbourne when the Swiss won it in 5 sets and moved on to win his first major. However, I know Stanley and we all know that ‘bad-beating’ Berdshite is far from any true barometer of one’s skill. Sure enough when Stanley met up with Djoker, he took a 2-0 lead to open the match. Then … well … he kinda … hmmm how to put this? He got his ass whipped like he was a runaway slave who tried to incite a revolt and slept with “Massa’s daughter”.  Djoker turned into that Destructive Djuggernaut Beast as he took the next 12/13 games for a 6-3 6-0 victory. At one point he was winning nearly all the points breaking Stanley at love. See this is why Stan is Stanley for me. He ain’t no Stanislas and most certainly is not a Stan. He has neither the temperament nor talent to be a Stan. He’s a Stanley, a mere average Joe and every so often, he catches lightening in a bottle and do something extraordinary. One can hope he gets his life together for Davis Cup Finals next week. Mr. Federer deserves a Fed Cup crown something both Djoker and Divadal have.

Praying for a Swiss Davis Cup victory over France this upcoming weekend

Praying for a Swiss Davis Cup victory over France this upcoming weekend

In the other matchup well Berdshite continued his streak of losing all his opening round matches at these championships and then rebound to take the 2nd matches. He got rid of Chin Cilic 6-3 6-1. Cilic later stated that he is “unfit”. I mean seriously, we are still making these kinda excuses at this level. This is the kinda nonsense Divadal and his Diagnosis Drama be causing. It is like an epidemic in tennis now. “I-lose-a-match-and-I-am-unwell-itis” Symptoms include, many unforced errors, poor serving, poor shot selections, missing easy forehands, spraying balls wide and long of the lines and losing matches. One may also experience headaches, fever, low blood pressure if you are Ivanovic the Terrible and bouts of diarrhea if you are Justine Henin. However, Chin Cilic, this is what my expertise tells me, “Gurl it is them shoes you wearing that are unfit. Who the hell wears yellow shoes to an indoor event? You just a scrub. Deal with it!”

He definitely got these from the Yellow Brick Road Souvenir Shop or perhaps at Big Bird's Clothing Store on Sesame Street

He definitely got these from the Yellow Brick Road Souvenir Shop or perhaps at Big Bird’s Clothing Store on Sesame Street

Now Chin Cilic has to deal with a lot of flak about his US Open. I know a lot of people think his win was not “legitimate” and that there should be an asterisk of sorts next to his name. However, he was for real. He showed up for 7 matches and he won them all fairly and squarely. I should know. I was there and I saw him do it. Even Mr. Federer noted in his loss to him at the US Open that Cilic has always shown himself capable of doing good things on the court. Now if someone else wanted to take the title, they should have put up. I am not expecting Chin Cilic to be a major contender but I expected him to be less scrubish. However, at this tournament, he has been a total scrub. Now if that is the complaint; go right ahead but do not try to steal the shine from the man’s effort in NYC. Now we have the likes of Bershite trying to shade Chin Cilic saying after their match, “Let’s put it this way: with the way he played, he would never win a US Open.” Gurl… Gurrllll No! No! You’re being shady bitch. It can’t be you having this discussion. It simply cannot be you. If Djoker said something like this, I would be like “slight bit of shade” but okay. But you gurl? Ehh No!


First off, Chin Cilic beat your ass on his way to that US Open title and he did so again at Wimbledon. Chin Cilic also has a major something you do not have. Second, your lone trip to a major final, you did not even win a set. So really gurl, have a seat! Have several seats and STFU! Anyway in the final matchups for Group A it is Berdshite v Djoker (That’s bound to be a “thriller” seeing as how last time they met Djoker had match POINTS for 6-0 6-0 but eventually gifted him 2 games for 6-0 6-2)

I'll let this lil Brady have the final word on this bit

I’ll let this lil Brady have the final word on this bit

A Bershite victory might also give hope to Mr. Federer’s fans of him still being able to secure the Number 1 year-end ranking. I, however, do not think this is likely nor am I so gun-ho about him dethroning Djoker just yet. I rather Mr. Federer win this title nonetheless, Davis Cup and also Australian Open next year and be number 1. I am not being too greedy am I? Anyway, the other matchup is Stanley v Chin Cilic. If Stanley wins, he qualifies for the semifinals and depending on how badly he loses, he might still qualify as we all know that Berdshite is not going to beat Djoker.

This is what Berdshite things of his chances

This is what Berdshite thinks of his chances against Djokovic

And his girlfriend? She's checking for a pulse because she's dead

And his girlfriend, Esther? She’s checking for a pulse because she’s dead

Group B, on their first outing on Sunday provided more significant level of tennis as Mr. Federer (2) dismissed Raonic (7) 6-1 7-6(0) and Kei Horsikori (4) took out Lochness Monster (5) 6-4 6-4. The British fans were beside themselves with this result but seriously, Nessie played so much tennis leading up to this tournament that he barely had much leg to stand on. He provided far better account of himself v Raonic with a 6-3 7-5 victory. Like I said, Raonic is a dodgy player. He got skills save for that Venus Williams 2nd serve but when he is under the pressure moments, he gets flustered and comes up flat. He really needs to step his game up as well as that 2nd serve. That thing is a liability for him and a virtual asset for his opponents. He had the momentum in the 2nd set to at least take it but he kept on faltering and allowed Lochness and Mr. Federer to get away with murder. Against Mr. Federer in the opening round match, he did not win a single point in the tiebreaker and at one point he had set point in the 2nd set. Verses Lochness Monster, he allowed several 0-30 leads to disappear with careless shots. He deserves to have won a match here. He definitely played some decent tennis particularly in the 2nd sets of his matches but then again, tennis tournament are not charity events. You get nothing for free! You want a win, you work for that win!

Yeah Raonic made it to his 1st YEC like fellow Canadian Genie Bouchard and like her he won zero matches and zero sets

Yeah Raonic made it to his 1st YEC like fellow Canadian Genie Bouchard and like her, he won zero matches and zero sets

On Day 5 of the championships, Milos pulled out citing some kinda injury that I hardly cared about to even note. #GurlBye! 1st Alternate, David Ferrer showed up to take his spot against Horsikori. Now you know how I feel about these Spaniards mucking up tournaments. However, surprise! Surprise! The understudy for the show, walked away with the top awards. Yes fanz, Fake Fire Ferrer provided us with the 1st 3-setter of the tournament and this took place on Day 5. He took the 1st set 6-4 after Horsikori stumbled whilst leading 4-3, serving for a 5-3 lead I think. He then lost his way completely and Ferrer jumped all over this opportunity to take the set. In the 2nd, Kei got his life together by breaking in the opening game and maintained this lead all the way home. He took it 6-4 and in the 3rd set, he just increased the intensity handing out another breadstick set in this Olive Garden World Tour Finals; 4-6 6-4 6-1 Kei.

Horsikori making it through to the semifinal stage at his 1st YEC

Horsikori made it through to the semifinal stage at his 1st YEC! GREAT JOB!

Sir Roger out here slaying monsters, ogres, beasts and trolls

Sir Roger out here slaying monsters, ogres, beasts and trolls

Mr. Federer simply slaughtered Lochness Monster like some valiant knight facing a baby ogre. It was embarrassing and as one commentator, Annabelle Croft noted, “It was humiliating” especially in front of his home crowd. 6-0 6-1 Mr. Federer. He just barely escaped a double bagel thrashing. Lochness Monster did absolutely nothing out there. Mr. Federer were throwing down 2nd serves like this was the WTA. He only got 38% of his 1st serves in but when he did, he won all those points. Meanwhile, Monster was serving better by way of getting his 1st serves in but he only won 36% of those points and 39% on his 2nd serve. Nessie was stuck in no-gear because he got no traction at all in the match.

Lochness Monster was not having a good day at the office at all

Lochness Monster was not having a good day at the office at all

After being down 0-6 0-5, he finally dug deep to get himself on the board to take the bagel and the breadstick scoreline. Like I said at the beginning of this tournament, Lochness Monster played nearly 6 straight weeks of tennis in order to qualify but showed up both mentally and physically exhausted. This last match showed his gas tank on Empty. He had nothing to give. He has not won a match against Djoker, Divadal or Mr. Federer all year long. Hopefully his 2015 is better. More than likely he will dump Amelie but I think this is hardly her fault but when in doubt blame the woman and blame the French. Poor Amelie, she tried but Lochness Monster is not ready to accept harsh truths and real discipline.

OMG! Roger is playing AMAZING. He is kicking this guy's ass

OMG! Roger is playing AMAZING. He is kicking this guy’s ass. This is a hilarious match

Who is he playing?

Who is he playing?

Wait what? WTF? WTMFF? He's treating my man Andy like this?

Wait who? Andy? Andy Roddick? Ain’t he retire? No wait you meant Andy Murray? WTF? WTMFF? He’s treating my man like this?

This shit ain't funny no more! Where the hell is Mirka? I am about to cut a bitch

This shit ain’t funny no more! Where the hell is Mirka? I’m about to cut a bitch

I am confused. What's going on with the scoreboard?

I am confused. What’s going on with the scoreboard?

It says 0 1 next to Andy's name and 6 6 for Roger. Does it mean Andy's in number is Britain and Roger is 66 years old?

It says 0 1 next to Andy’s name and 6 6 for Roger. Does it mean Andy’s number 1 in Britain and Roger’s the Swiss Devil?

No it means he got a bagel and a breadstick. What? It's tea-time? This match started at 8. Who eats bagel for dinner? Scottish people do.

                               No Pippa, it means he got a bagel and a breadstick. He played shit out there.                                                                   What? It’s tea-time? This match started at 8pm. Who eats bagels for dinner?                                         Scottish people do.


Mr. Federer after his Lochness Monster match!

Today Djoker simply put the finishing touches on this wonderful year. He won Wimbledon over Mr. Federer, he had a baby boy named Stefan, he got married of course and he ended the year as Number 1 yet again for the 3rd time in his career if I am not mistaken. He dispatched for Berdshite 6-2 6-2.

I think this caption says everything that needs to be said!

I think this caption says everything that needs to be said!

Djoker will face Kei in the semifinals on Saturday in an effort to avenge his US Open semifinal loss back in September. Should be an interesting match as Kei seems to be the only other player besides Mr. Federer and Djoker who seems to be able to make something of this “tar pit” they call a court. This thing is ridiculously slow, even Mr. Federer is noting how near impossible it is to hold serve. Meanwhile he has yet to be broken in all three of his matches here. Mr. Federer are you trying to be a shady bitch up in here? One of the reasons I think he and Djoker are enjoying so much success on this court is not only their talent and awesome game variety but the fact that they are more experience. They have played a lot of matches here in the O2 Arena and they are such students of the game, they know exactly where to be for certain shots. They know what they can get away with. Also their games are not built on sheer power which is what is the foundation for most of the other players. Kei brings a great variety to his game and so he too is having good success. I think he has the most winners of all players here. Anyway, Mr. Federer had to await the winner of the Chin Cilic v Stanley match. Stanley denied Chin Cilic a win here by beating him 6-3 4-6 6-3. Chin Cilic succeeded by at least winning a set here because prior to this match, he only won 6 games total. However, in this match, he finally strung 6 games together to take a set but he could not do the same thing for another set. Mr. Federer will face his compatriot in the semifinals. Hopefully can get two more wins here in London and take his 7th YEC title!

See the set up below of Saturday’s Semifinals play

Matches on The O2 Arena
Stage Winner Loser Score
Doubles – Semifinals  Ivan Dodig (CRO) /  Marcelo Melo (BRA) [7] vs.
 Łukasz Kubot (POL) /  Robert Lindstedt (SWE) [8]
Singles – Semifinals  Novak Djokovic (SRB) [1] vs.  Kei Nishikori (JPN) [4]
Doubles – Semifinals  Bob Bryan (USA) /  Mike Bryan (USA) [1] vs.
 Julien Benneteau (FRA) /  Édouard Roger-Vasselin (FRA) [4]
Singles – Semifinals  Roger Federer (SUI) [2] vs.  Stanislas Wawrinka (SUI) [3]

Yeah we cannot forget the Doubles people. Here are the semifinalists who also came through Round Robin play

Ivan Dodig (CRO) /  Marcelo Melo (BRA)

Ivan Dodig (CRO) / Marcelo Melo (BRA)

 Łukasz Kubot (POL) /  Robert Lindstedt (SWE)

Łukasz Kubot (POL) / Robert Lindstedt (SWE)

Bob Bryan (USA) /  Mike Bryan (USA)

Bob Bryan (USA) / Mike Bryan (USA)

 Julien Benneteau (FRA) /  Édouard Roger-Vasselin

Julien Benneteau (FRA) / Édouard Roger-Vasselin

Meanwhile in other bits and pieces around the O2 Arena

Meanwhile One Direction is at O2 Arena. Why? I am not sure.

Meanwhile One Direction is at O2 Arena. Why? I am not sure.

Closest Stanley going to ever get to this trophy unless he's at Mr. Federer's house

Closest Stanley going to ever get to this trophy unless he’s at Mr. Federer’s house

Sweet Jojoba! Divadal is in town! Praise him

Sweet Jojoba! Divadal is in town! Praise him

Me muy bien better now

Me muy bien better now

I'm here trying to figure out how you say you getting your appendix taken out then you come tell me you getting stem cells on back and you here in London with new hair and without crutches or back brace?

I’m here trying to figure out how you say you getting your appendix taken out; you took pictures for that, then you said you getting stem cells on back; you provided no pictures for that and you now here in London with new hair and without crutches or back brace?

OMG! Miracles do happen when you believe

OMG! Miracles do happen when you believe

Gurl, that ain't no miracle or modern medical science. That is some straight up magic

Gurl, that ain’t no miracle or modern medical science. That is some straight up magic

The Bryan Brothers getting more awards for being the fans favourites and ending another year yet again being the No. 1 Doubles teams

The Bryan Brothers getting more awards for being the fans favourites and ending another year yet again being the No. 1 Doubles teams

Mr. Federer joining in the award ceremony winning fan favourite and fair play awards

Mr. Federer joining in the award ceremony winning fan favourite and fair play awards

This is Borna Coric and we are definitely looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and every other day there after

This is Borna Coric and we are definitely looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and every other day there after

lawd-jesus-dat-body (1)

Fed Up at Fed Cup: Kiefer vs. Lisicki

In Uncategorized on November 13, 2014 at 10:06 pm

Fanz, this here might be some “realz T” on the German Fed Cup situation and why Losicki wasn’t played. #drama

The Tennis Island

Though the WTA sang its official swan song in Sofia, Tournament of Champions winner Andrea Petkovic reminded us all that the Germans and Czechs are going into overtime. The Fed Cup finals in Prague are just a week away and both countries have announced their teams. Petr Pala nominated Wimbledon champion Petra Kvitova, semifinalist Lucie Safarova, in-form Karolina Pliskova, and doubles expert Lucie Hradecka. Klara Koukalova and Andrea Hlavackova, who played doubles in the semifinals against Italy, were not considered for the finals.

German captain Barbara Rittner waited until the last day to announce her team as she swayed back and forth between doubles specialist – and long-time team member – Anna-Lena Groenefeld, and Sabine Lisicki, who has competed intermittently over the years. Rittner eventually nominated the 2013 Wimbledon finalist, along with Angelique Kerber, Petkovic and Julia Goerges, leaving Groenefeld on stand-by.

A few weeks ahead of the decision, former ATP player Nicolas…

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2014 Barclays ATP World Tour Finals

In Andy Murray, ATP World Tour Finals, David Ferrer, Gael Monfils, Grigor Dimitrov, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Kei Nishikori, Marin Cilic, Milos Raonic, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Stanislas Wawrinka, Tomas Berdych on November 9, 2014 at 5:19 pm
The boyz are in London!!

The boyz are in London!! Now I don’t know why Horsikori up front and center with those chompers

So it seems that we are very near the end of another tennis year and boy was it an interesting one. There were so many plot twists, devices and developments that one is not sure whether it was tennis or some sport-version of a soap opera; As the Tennis World Turns or Days of Our Tennis Lives. 2014 was a year that had everything and then some for anyone and everyone who has any kinda inkling for tennis. I mean it was near too much at times even for veteran fanz like moi but this posting is not about to be a 2014 in review. No we do not have time for that and that might happen in another posting. (Do not hold me to that promise at all) However, the reason for this bit is regarding the upcoming … well current ATP Year-Ending Championships better known as Barclays ATP World Tour Finals.


If you are any kinda fanz of the sport you hardly need to be told that Barclays ATP World Tour Finals is where the top 8 ranked men for that calendar year though strictly speaking this does not necessarily mean the top 8 ranked men in the last 52-weeks which extend beyond the calendar year. It might seem confusing but it all really makes sense. This 8-man field, barring absence for “legitimate” reasons, must include any and all major winners of that year even if said person is not within the top 8 but within the top 20. Now this rule has hardly ever needed enacting since typically the major winners have always done due diligence and found themselves within the normal cut-off point. If I am not mistaken, the last time that this rule was put into effect was back in 2001 for Goran Ivanisevic when he won Wimbledon but was just barely in the top 20. Ironically, this “by-law” caused a recent stink because Ivanisevic’s new charge, Marin Cilic aka Chin Cilic was floating just outside the top 8 but still set to qualify for the event.

British fans found themselves in parts of the world they didn't even know exist following their main man Lochness Murray

British fans found themselves in parts of the world they didn’t even know exist following their main man Lochness Murray

Meanwhile, Lochness Monster aka Andy Murray began playing a “Scrub Schedule” because he was lurking outside of the top 8 and he had to ensure that he qualified higher than 8th because there was the strong likelihood that he would have been bounced for Cilic who was hardly bothered by his ranking at the tournament because he knew he had already punched that ticket for London since September in NYC. (NB A scrub schedule is playing tournaments in the ATP 250 level tournaments and you are not getting paid for one’s presence) Now I for one would not have missed Lochness Monster in the least had he not made it but many “pundits” took up this cause as Nessie began to grumble and complain as is his customary stance, citing it being “unfair” because he was working hard and it might not pay off. I mean Sweet Jojoba, gurl get a life. It is only one tournament and this has been the rule since long time and you never complained once before but now you are more pressed than a fresh shirt from the cleaners.


Nessie even went so far as to call out Stanley (Stanislas Wawrinka) and Chin Cilic saying that they might not be in the top 8 but yet could still go the London over him. Clearly the Monster has left the lakes of Scotland for the Egyptian River of De-Nile or perhaps he dozed off counting sheep in the highlands because he is missing the obvious. Stanley and Chin Cilic won a major in 2014, something he has not accomplished for the year. We are not even going to mention that embarrassing outing versus Divadal at the French semifinals. Divadal was brutal in Paris. It was like watching two players going at it in Mortal Kombat video game and the other player’s controller was stuck and thus barely able to register a blow to his opponent. It was savage, vicious and bloody; definitely not for children under 17. I near shouted out to the screen, “Fatality! Finish Him!” I am not trying to take anything away from Nessie’s year because he made the quarters or better at all four 4 majors. Djoker was the only other person to do so if I am not mistaken.

Like always, I paid Lochness no mind because you ignored him long enough, he will stop. And true to form, he STFU and got his life together. He played everything possible and won like 3 titles in the fall. I am sure, though it cannot be confirmed in the slightest, he was willing to sign up for a tournament in your backyard if there were a couple of points to be had so badly he wanted to be in London. It was like watching a crackhead in full fury trying to get his next hit; it reeked of desperation. All in all he made it to the event on his own terms ranked 5.


So back the field. Technically, it is the men who are in the top 9 that are present at the event because Divadal pulled out to deal with her “appendix”. Now there is just so much to be said on this “appendectomy” that I am not sure whether I should deal with it now or perhaps in a separate post. I mean the details of Divadal, his doctors and his dramatic diagnoses have always been sordid tales on the ATP tour. Divadal has provided us with various sensational sicknesses including the Mysterious Melbourne Maladie, the lingering effects of the Wimbledon Whooping Coughs, the Whimsical Wrist and of course the infamous “Klandestine Knees”. However, I think this most recent “Medical Melodrama” re-wrote all the rules of engagement. The “Abnormal Appendicitis” was epic and I am not merely exaggerating or being hyperbolic. David Lynch would be proud of how it all unfolded. This was truly a medical marvel. So with all that, I think it is best to leave this matter for another piece soon to be posted after this tournament (Again do not hold me to this). I will not have Divadal trying to steal the thunder from the other players.

Ladies and Gents, here are top 8 men for these championships

Ladies and Gents, here are top 8 men for these championships (I think Berdshite blew a big one)

So let us discuss the matter at hand. So the 8 men present for this event are as follows:

  1. Djoker Harlequeen (Novak Djokovic; Serbia)
  2. Mr. Federer/Federror (Roger Federer; Switzerland)
  3. Stanley (Stanislas Wawrinka; Switzerland)
  4. Horsikori aka Gumby (Kei Nishikori; Japan)
  5. Lochness Monster/Murray (Andy Murray; Scotland/Great Britain)
  6. Berdshite aka Lurch (Tomas Berdych; Czech Republic)
  7. Dennis the Menace (Milos Raonic; Canada)
  8. Chin Cilic (Marin Cilic; Croatia)

These men are divided into groups: Group A and Group B which are as follows:

 1. Djoker Harlequeen  2. Mr. Federer
 3. Stanley  4. Horsikori
 6. Berdshite  5. Lochness Monster
 8. Chin Cilic  7. Raonic

Now the format of the tournament is that each group plays a Round-Robin system so each player within the group play a series of 3 matches against the other players. By the end of the week, the top 2 players from each group advance to the semifinal stage where is it back to the normal knock-out format. The winner of each group plays the 2nd qualifier of the other group. I hope this makes sense for it is hardly complicated though many reporters on the subject make it sound like Quantum Physics. This I must admit is partly due to the specific nature of the Round-Robin system which rewards not only quantity but also quality of match played. That is to say, to win/lose a match is not all that matters but more importantly how you won/lose said match as consideration is given to number of games/sets won/lost when determining the ranking within a group. However, if you win or lose all three of your matches you will not need to consult the charts to see your future because it is quite clear even to the undead. You win your three matches, you move on without a bother. You lose all three matches you move on out as you were not a bother but you take home a nice cheque for $85,000 USD.


Anyway, I have been reading up a lot of reports on this event and to be honest I was not going to write anything but I was moved to do so because of the downright fcukery I was reading on the byways and highways of the Neverland of the Internet. Some of it was just downright reckless. It was as though people were in a Warped Wonderland of tennis where Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum were running the place. Since I am no Alice, I figured before I got all murderous on their Jabberwocky asses, I should check my blood pressure and “pen” my own piece on the subject for parity sake. I really cannot deal with the high bullshitery people be serving up as tennis analysis. It drives me insane.

Gurl ain't nobody checking for you!

Gurl ain’t nobody checking for you!

So here we go with clearing up some of the madness I have read: First off: The event does not need nor does it miss Divadal. He really is not relevant to the cause here. He has never done well here and his efforts when he does decide to grace us with his presence, is hardly ever noteworthy. The quick indoor courts are not suited for his game/playing style at all. Of course the event has tried to amend matters slightly because of both his and Uncle Toné’s constant complaints. However, things have not “improved” to their advantage and they have accepted, one hopes, that this might very well be a place where their skullduggery would not work. So Divadal is right where he needs to be; seated. Preferably while he is having several seats, he is sipping on some Truth Tea Detox but again one is only being hopeful.

I mean Professora X says it best

I mean Professora X says it best

Second: The players who qualified are quite adequate to put on a really great event. This year, more so than any other in recent memory, has seen a far greater level of “parity” on the ATP tour. You had 4 different major winners including two maiden winners, Stanley in Australia and Chin Cilic in NYC. In fact it was both Stanley and Chinny’s first trip to a major final and they showed themselves to be capable of accepting the challenge of dethroning the usual suspects, Djoker, Divadal and Mr. Federer. They both had a fabulous tournament and a relatively great year. Added to this you have rising stars in the form of Horsikori and Dennis the Menace who are both tapped as the “Next Generation” on tour. We need not forget that there is the ubiquitous presence of Mr. Federer, Djoker and Lochness Monster. Added to this we also have the possibility of Mr. Federer regaining the No. 1 ranking depending on how things go here in London and later on in Davis Cup finals against France. So we have a stacked field of heavy hitters both in name and game and some possible intriguing subplots. We need not point out how far more interesting this event is going to be than the WTA Finals though that did turn out to be intriguing in some regard.


We also have Berdshite but we are not going to talk much about this enigma; the less said, the better. Let us just be thankful that we do not have any Spaniards in the field. Now I do not hate Spaniards in the least. However, when it comes to Spanish tennis players, they are mostly just “scrubs”. Divadal being the exception, the likes of Fake Fire Ferrer (David Ferrer) and Tommy Nobraino (Tommy Robredo) are just too weak hearted to be muddling up this field. Do not misunderstand me, I do think the “Spanish Armada” is a talented lot but historically like their namesake, when put to the real test and meant to show their true grit, they sink and/or scurry back to their port of call beaten and battered. They just seem imposing but in reality they are mostly impotent (That’s not a read; just being Realz). And like Sweet Brown said, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

The more, the better

Some more please sir. The more, the better

Third: If there is anything about this event that I would have loved to see is perhaps several other players making it in. Grigor Dimitrov aka Maria’s Bluebeard, Baby Ali (Jo-Wilfried Tsonga) Ernests Gulbis and perhaps Beetlejuice (Gael Monfils) would have all been welcomed here. I need not explain that Dimitrov and Baby Ali are always nice to look at no matter the circumstances. Now I know how to count and this would mean 12 players and Beetlejuice is not even in the top 12 but I am thinking of including these players in the tournament to make it more interesting especially for fans who seem to love to cheer a lot of these players. That is not to say that the 8 players who qualified are not fan favourites but you really see people getting crazy excited for Berdych, Raonic and/or Nishikori unless they are Czech, Canadian and Japanese respectively? I only want to include Gulbis because he is always good for saying something stupid and besides, Berdshite needs someone on his level to talk to. I’m just saying.

Anyway, I am happy with the 8 who are present though I would have loved for Lochness Monster to have not made it so that some of these British commentators can actually do some real work instead of “riding Murray’s dick” all tournament long. It is ridiculous how they are “sweating” the man and constantly talking him up EVEN when he is not playing. They make all manner of excuses for him and worse still, they swear he is the best thing in tennis right now. Now that is some mystic level bullshit that my low-level mind has not yet achieved the power to unlock and fully comprehend its true meaning. In fact, I am sure my mind would never be able to see this “truth” but I am just glad I am not drinking that koolaide.

Me don't like no koolaide

Me don’t like no koolaide

So let us get into the real dynamics of the Groups: The biggest pile of rubbish I have read thus far about this tournament is that Group A is the “tough” group because it boasts three major winners. Now fanz, this is lie straight for the pits of tennis hell. Do not be tempted to believe this as truth. You hear someone utter this fabrication, you rebuke them in the name of Tennis Jojoba and tell them to “Go in peace and say it no more!”. This falsehood is near the magnitude of the talk of Serena Williams and Martha Shriekapova having a tennis rivalry. I mean seriously, Serena is 16-2 lifetime v the Russian of which you have 15 straight victories stretching as far back as 2005. I do not know how in anyone’s mind this is a rivalry unless the word’s definition has now changed to mean the very opposite of rivalry. Martha is competing against Serena, that much is clear but Serena is out there slaying and filleting that fish like she is an outdoors woman. This matchup is many things but most certainly none of it is a rivalry. But we digress. Without question, Group B is the tougher group.


Now in Group A, as I have pointed out, has Djoker, Stanley, Berdshite and Chin Cilic. First off, we have Berdych in that group and I am going to let him have the floor on this matter.


This is all coming directly from him and we need not look further to see where this hot mess is going. I mean we are talking about Berdshite who lost a final to Carlos Berlocq earlier this year after leading by a mile and was near being double bagelled in China by Djoker last month. So I am finding it hard to see Berdshite being any kinda threat. Secondly, we have Stanley in this mix. I mean Stanley had a great year. That is not up for debate. However, Stanley’s year ended in April after he beat Mr. Federer to take his first Masters 1000 title in Monte Carlo. This victory came on the heels of the utterly brilliant performance in Melbourne where he defeated Djoker and Divadal to take the major title. Nevertheless, it seemed as though Stanley was content with these few accolades and outside these magnificent performances, he has turned up quite mediocre for tournaments. He lost 1st round at the French, punked out at Wimbledon (though I am not mad he did because Mr. Federer benefitted greatly as a result) and he capitulated in New York v Horsikori. Needless to say at the other tour events it was mostly piss poor play. I mean he is capable of doing something serious but I am not gonna believe this unless I see it. Nothing about Stanley’s behaviour since April indicates that he is really serious about his tennis and thus I am not serious about him.

Chin Cilic at the US Open

Chin Cilic at the US Open

I cannot forget Chin Cilic and although he had a great US Open, this is hardly saying much because he has not before that event or even after showed himself capable of winning big tournaments. However, I will give him the benefit of the doubt but I will not give him this inane sense of grandeur that these pundits want to bestow upon him and the rest of the group. Group A is really just Djoker and a pack of scrubs. They might be able to do some damage but there is just no guarantee of anything explosive happening and they are mostly risky bets. We all know Djoker be a BEAST come the Fall and he is ruthless at these events. He lost his Beijing crown to Mr. Federer and you know he is looking to reclaim some leverage. Added to all this, he will want to retain his number 1 crown to be a Number 1 Dad and the World’s Number 1. He is not going down at the O2 arena without a bloody fight. He is the only “sure thing” in that group.


Berdshite and Djoker. Here is a bottle of champagne to congratulate you on your son and my defeat

Now that we have tucked that Group A bullshit to bed. The grownups can have a real discussion about Group B. This B in Group B should be for Bomb or Bombastic because things are bound to be explosive from the very start. Lochness Monster is playing in front of his homecrowd and he is up against Horsikori who is definitely coming into his own as of late. Horsikori is a deceptive player. He moves well and you never know how he is going to attack you. That backhand of his is a deadly weapon. Lochness Monster might be tired after his epic schedule this fall but he will definitely be spurred on by his compatriots hoping for the beast to move on. Then it is Mr. Federer v Raonic who beat Mr. Federer in straight sets just a couple weeks ago in Paris. Raonic’s 1st serve is MASSIVE and if it is on, then he is on. I do have to say that his 2nd serve is as effective as Venus Williams’. Now that is a read.

The Granny Vee serve is as precarious as highwire act

The Granny Vee serve is as precarious as highwire act

If Mr. Federer gets through this matchup, he has to also play Horsikori who has several quality wins over him and then Lochness Monster who has never been an easy opponent for him. So in essence in Group B, you have the number 2 player potentially losing all 3 of his matches and not because he is a bad player but because the quality of the group. This also goes for each of the other players. Lochness Monster will have to fight hard for every match if he wants to get out. There are no easy matches here as he is 1-3 vs Raonic and 11-11 vs Mr. Federer. His 3-0 record vs Nishikori will hardly matter on this stage.

I gotta say that one arm bit looks really cool on Dennis the Menace Raonic

The Question Mark is squarely over his head

The only real question mark is Dennis the Menace because he does not have the killer instinct and steely confidence that the other players possess. Perhaps in time he will get that but this tournament does not take too kindly to wanderers and fiddlers. You have to come out hard and strong for every match. The Canadian’s game is two-dimensional so very vulnerable to attack but make no mistake when those two-dimensions are working, they dwarf just about anybody’s game out there. He best be careful because his countrywoman Genie Bouchard got crushed at the WTA Finals 0-3 in her debut. Horsikori can take on anyone and I am certain he did not come to London to play tourist. He is looking for a big title to his name and he will be fighting as hard as his lil broken body can to make waves here in London. So you see, Group B is really where all the action is going to be. Group A is all about which scrub will rise to the top to take the 2nd spot for the semifinals.

I did not come here to play tourist, I am here to snatch wigs and trophy

I did not come here to play tourist, I am here to snatch wigs and trophy

A Prediction: Now you know how I loathe making such things. However, I would admit that I think Djoker is really the man to beat. He morphs into a different player,Djuggernaut, after the US Open. He is clearly dealing with the bitterness of not making the US Open final and winning the title. He is definitely on a confidence wave having a new baby boy, Stefan, with his new wife. So he is definitely the perennial favourite to win. I favour Mr. Federer next but it is a tough road to this title. He is desperately trying to be number 1 again and even though he did not win a major this year, winning a 7th YEC title will be the next best closest thing and Mr. Federer will take it in a heartbeat. The surface does favour him though early reports indicate that it is rather slow. I gave Nishikori an outside shot to win this title and I would be happy if he does take it in the event of Mr. Federer’s “absence”. I imagine a Chin Cilic will try to secure this title because he definitely wants to silence critics who think his major win was a “fluke”. He is also arriving here in London rested as he did not play Paris. The other players, well if they are able to win this title, I think we can record this 2014 officially as a watershed moment in tennis history but I highly doubt that eventuality. Anyway, this is about all there really is to say about this subject. I hope you all fans enjoyed the “Return of Realz”. Please COMMENT BELOW!!

It might be a 3rd straight victory for Djoker who is usually in Djuggernaut mood here at the ATP Finals

It might be a 3rd straight victory for Djoker who is usually in Djuggernaut mood here at the ATP Finals

Also let us not forget that the Top 8 Doubles teams are also present.

There is always something magical about a man in a suit!

There is always something magical about a man in a suit!