2015 Australian Open: Womenz Preview

I am so happy to not be out there in the hot sun this year!

The Womenz Draw should be very interesting this year. For first time in a good while, Serena Williams is not the name of the favourite to win this tournament. Mind you, that is not to say that people are discounting the American. No, far from it. They simply think there might be others willing and capable of taking this major crown. In fact, Williams despite being the 5-time Australian champion is less favoured over Simona Halep (3) who apparently many feel is the sure bet winner. I am as confused by this as you are. I really cannot offer any real reason behind this logic other than to say since Halep is one of the 128 women signed up in the main draw, she, like each of the other 127 women do stand a chance of winning the title. That is the best I can do with this information.  

Someone tell ReRe that she is gonna need a hair net because I ain’t trying to eat none of that hair in my cake. (I am gonna pretend like I didn’t see those hair edges looking like a seaside cliff all rough and rocky)

Anyway, this 2015 season is just over 2 weeks old and there have been many oddities. Serena did not play a real tournament coming into the major as she has done in recent years. She was the two-time defending champion in Brisbane but she opted not to play that tournament for Hopman Cup, a mixed exhibition tournament. She made it to the finals with partner John Isner having struggled all the way there. Serenanator was well off her game though many say not to read much into this. Nonetheless, she got bagelled by Penne Pasta Pennetta, Bouchard clocked and snatched her wig winning in straight sets 6-1 6-2 or something like that and then struggled past Safarova. In the finals v Bratzwanska she was messy like a public bathroom. Again, one should not read much into this they say. I for one think that a Serena going into the Aussie Open full of confidence makes for a problematic Serena. Last three years 2012-2014, she was the heavy favourite and each year saw the American leaving Melbourne empty-handed. Hopefully this year brings greater fortune.

Serena didn’t come this year and I finally got the Brisbane title

In her absence, Martha (2) picked up the Brisbane title seeing as she lost to Serena there the last two years. Anyway, Shriekapova avenged her Cincinnati loss to Ivanovic the Terrible (5) in the final. Martha, the 3-time finalist and 2008 Champion is definitely looking to pick up another Aussie title. Simona Halep like I said is also inexplicably in my book, garnering a lot of attention. Many feel that she can take the crown here. She won a title in Shenzhen and then signed up to play Sydney. She pulled out thankfully citing injury. I do not understand why Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug thinks she has to play week in and week out. It is just not that serious.

Simona Halep aka Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug with her Shenzhen trophy

GHW Kvitova with her Sydney trophy

Who eventually won Sydney was GHW Kvitova (4) who lost to some Bascinzsky girl in straight sets in Shenzhen in the first week. I do not understand how that happened myself but I saw the match so I can tell you with much certainty that it did happen for real. So Kvitova is coming into a major having played two weeks of tennis. I am not her coach so again I am clueless as to logic behind this bit of madness. Look I am not trying to shade Petra here or anything like that but I have this slight observation. Petra be playing so much tennis yet she is not the fittest lady on tour. I do not get this but clearly it is not for me to get.

Granny Vee with her Auckland trophy and moist hairdo

Anyway, while we are on the subject of fitness, spare me a moment of your time to talk about Ebony Starr aka Granny Vee aka Venus Williams (18). Venus returned to Auckland this year having lost in last year’s final and again made a very decisive run this year to take the title. She faced her sister’s supposed BFF Caroline Woz aka Danish Biscuit (8) for the title. Venus who has never lost to the Dane was en pointe after dropping the opening set. So Granny Vee is also coming into this tournament with a lot of steam behind her name. Meanwhile, Agatha aka Bratzwanska (6) got herself a new coach, the one and only Martina Navratilova. So a lot of buzz is behind Agatha now because the perennial bridesmaid is looking to finally be the bride and win a major. Martina thinks she can do this. I have my doubts about this. Anyhow, so Aga beat Serena at the exhibition and the ESPN cronies were beside themselves; “It’s the Martina influence!” Then Agatha went to a real tournament and lost her opening match. Is this Martina again? I just sipped my tea because if I say something people will say I am a hater. So I am going to keep quiet on this matter.

Anyway, in other really big news on the women’s side is the fact that the number 1 ranking is up for grabs amongst Serenanator, Shriekapova, Koolaide Jug and GHW (Grand High Witch. I am not being mean here at but sometimes Petra be reminding me of Anjelica Huston from The Witches. Check it out and comment below if you agree and/or disagree). Anyway, the top 4 ladies all have a chance to be number 1 depending on how far they each go and how well the others do.

Wait what? We can all be Number 1 at the end of this week? NO only the Top 4 and just in case you’re unclear about this Caro, that means, ReRe, Martha, Simona and Petra! Because some of you look like you can’t count … No shade Genie

Let’s get to the main reason why we are here: the Draw Breakdown. Like the menz, we will be doing the same thing; breaking down the main draw into halves, then quarters and finally eighths.

2015 Australian Open Top Womenz Seeds
Top Half	Bottom Half
1. Serena Williams (Serenanator/ReRe)	2. Maria Sharapova (Martha/Shriekapova)
4. Petra Kvitova (Grand High Witch)	3. Simona Halep (Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug)
6. Agnieszka Radwanska (Agatha/Bratzwanska)	5. Ana Ivanovic (Ivanovic the Terrible)
8. Caroline Wozniacki (Danish Biscuit)	7. Genie Bouchard (Nothing has stick yet)
11. Dominika Cibulkova (Cibuttkova)	9. Angelique Kerber (Angie/Carebear Kerber)
12. Flavia Pennetta (Penne Pasta Pennetta)	10. Ekaterina Makarova (Not worthy)
13. Andrea Petkovic (Not worthy)	14. Sara Errani (Alien v Predator/ETranni)
15. Jelena Jankovic (Fivehead Jungle Witch)	16.  Lucie Safarova (Lady Gollum)
18. Venus Williams (Granny Vee/Ebony Starr)	17. Carla Suarez-Navarro (Nothing has stick yet)
19. Alizé Cornet (Lordlize Cornemort)	21. Shuai Peng (Not worthy)
20. Sam Stosur (D’Stove)	22. Karolina Pliskova (Not worthy)
24. Garbine Muguruza (Not worthy)	23. Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (Fattychunkova)
25. Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (Not worthy)	27. Svetlana Kuznetsova (Kuzi-Rexi)
26. Elina Svitolina (Not worthy)	28. Sabine Lisicki (Lose-sicki)
29. Casey Dellacqua (Not worthy)	31. Zarina Diyas (Not worthy)
30. Varvara Lepchenko (Not worthy)	32. Belinda Bencic (Not worthy)

 *Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person!
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

Serenanator (1) v GHW Kvitova (4) Top Half

Should they reach they both reach the semis, it should be an interesting match

Serenanator (1) v Danish Biscuit (8) Quarter

You best get your life together because you know everyone is gunning to take you out

Serena’s Section Eighth: At the end of the day, it has to be said that the only real bother that Serenanator has is herself. She is quite capable of decimating the entire field without a pause. She is really that good. However, as has been quite evident in her career, she allows herself to get in the way of herself (if that makes any kinda sense to you). Serena’s B game and/or C game is still capable of beating most of the tour. The thing is that, at majors, many of these women are no longer allowing her to get away with an average performance. Serena herself admitted last Wimbledon that she has to come out blazing because there are girls/women out there who come into a tournament just to play that one match of a lifetime to beat her and then get dismissed the next day. She knows that if she wants to win majors, it will require two weeks of focus, determination and great tennis.

Thank heavens we are seeing no more blonde Remi weave

With that said, the American should get to the 4^th round no problemo! Svitolina (26) an up and coming Ukrainian is her potential 3^rd round opponent but I see Serena getting past her without much of a headache. However, we thought that this would have been the case at Wimbledon and the French Open last year and Serena did not get out of the 3^rd round of either of those tournaments. And speaking of those tournament, both Lordlize Cornemort (19) [beat her in the 3^rd round of Wimbledon] and Garbine Muguruza (24) [beat her in the 2^nd round of the French Open] are in this quarter. Serena may face Muguruza in the 4^th round if the Spaniard takes out Fivehead Jankovic (15) in the 3^rd round. Serena will only face Cornemort if the Frenchwoman can get to the quarterfinals; something she has yet to do in her 35 previous appearances at majors.

Do I look bothered by the fact that Muguruza and Cornemort as in my section of the draw? No really do I look bothered because I am not sure if I am at all.

Woz is desperately looking for her 1st major title

Danish Biscuit’s Section Eighth: This is a rather interesting section as Woz opens her campaign for her 1^st ever major title facing young American Taylor Townsend who might be going places in the world of tennis. Nothing would be better for the American than a solid win over a top ranked player. Nonetheless, I think Woz will win this. The really interesting thing about this section is that the 2^nd round opponent for Woz could be 2-time Aussie Open champion, Vickie Azarenka. Vickie is coming off injury and has virtually missed an entire year, so her rankings are not where they could be. Vickie will face Slowe Stephens in the 1^st round, a re-match of 2013 semifinals and 2014 4^th round here in Melbourne. This is a MUST SEE MATCH I think. So Woz has a lot of dangerous floaters in her part including Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (25) in the 3^rd round and either Cornemort (19) or last year’s finalist Cibuttkova (11) in the Round of 16. After getting past all this, Woz might face Serena for a chance to play the semis. She is basically in a mind field; so many potential places for it to all blow up in her face.

2-time champion here in Melbourne is also desperate to find her winning form coming back from injury

GHW Kvitova (4) v Aga Bratzwanska (6) Quarter

Poor Petra does not do well in the heat

GHW Kvitova’s Section Eighth: I honestly expect Kvitova to get to the 4^th round without any problems. Anything less than that, she deserves scorn and mockery. It is time that the 2-time Wimbledon champion stop losing to no-namers all over the place and struggling through “epic 3-set matches”. American Madison Keys has recently added the services of 2000 Aussie Open champion Lindsay Davenport to her camp. Hopefully this helps the young American be more reliable in matches. She will have to get by Kvitova in the 3^rd round though and that will be a true measure of things. Someone to watch in this section is Andrea Petkovic (13) who has a real shot of getting to the 4^th round here looking at the draw. Someone to not watch is Sam Stosur (20) who I am sure will go out in the 1^st round. D’Stove is incapable of winning in her home country. I swear even if you write D’Stove in the final, she would find a way of losing in the semifinals. It is like she is allergic to the home crowd support. So like I said, it is Kvitova’s section to win or lose. She should be in the quarters.

Madison Keys and Lindsay Davenport

Sam stretching for nothing in Melbourne

Aga and her new coach Martina

Aga Bratzwanska (6) Section Eighth: No doubt about it, Aga should make it to the Round of 16 no trouble other than a potential tricky opponent in Varvara Lepchencko (30) in the 3^rd round. However, the real glitz of this section is that Venus Williams (18) is present here. Venus is playing well as per Brisbane and she is moving forward a lot and showing off a much improved volleying technique thanks to Katrina Adams, the new USTA President (congrats gurl). Hopefully, she MUST play smart efficient tennis out there and get through to the 4^th Round. She would have to beat Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) though in the 3^rd round. Also meeting Aga in the Round of 16 is not good because Venus has been dragged by the Pole as of late. She can barely win a set off Aga. So she will need all her strength to get through that match and face Kvitova in the quarters for another showdown match! Their Wimbledon encounter last year was arguably the best match of the women’s tournament.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Ms. Koolaide Juice Jug Halep (3) Bottom Half

Simona has been Martha’s pigeon as of late, so she will be looking to change that this tournament

Halep (3) v Ivanovic the Terrible (5) Quarter

Promise me that Ivanovic the Terrible is not going to show up here in Melbourne.

Ivanovic the Terrible’s Section Eighth: Ana should get to the Round of 16 which she will potential meet tough lefty Ekaterina Makarova (10) there. Makarova is a dangerous floater at majors. She is always good for one major upset. If she gets past the Russian, there will a Romanian in the form of Halep waiting there for her. Meanwhile of her own accord, Ivanovic the Terrible can show up and mess up Ana’s life and have her losing to a Belinda Bencic (32) for no reason in the 3^rd round. So be prepared for anything from this section.

Realz don’t watch my eyebrows. I know they need to be done but we’re not here for that

Halep’s Section Eighth: Halep had a glorious 2014, quarterfinalist here, finals in Roland Garros and Wimbledon semifinals. Not to mention that she made it to the WTA YEC final beating Serena in straight sets on her way there only to lose in straight sets to Serena but she played a great tournament. With all that, Koolaide Juice Jug is hoping to improve upon those results this year with a new coach who she said is more in line with her Romanian philosophy. I think Halep will make the quarterfinal without much of a fuss. In the 3^rd round, she could meet Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki but even this matchup I am sure Halep will get by without any trouble. Sara ETrrani (14) is a possible 4^th round opponent. However, I am not sure what the Italian will do this year on tour. Her ranking is slipping downwards so she would definitely love a boost to be back in the top 10. She is also a dangerous player except when she is playing Martha or Serena. Otherwise, Errani can be hell for most players on her good day. So if Halep wants to win this title or at least get close to winning it, she best watch out for the likes of Errani.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Bouchard (7) Quarter

Wait what? You’re saying if this were the sport that’s the only way I am winning a major?

Bouchard’s Section Eighth: The Canadian is another of those young ladies who had a great 2014: semis in Melbourne, Roland Garros and a Wimbledon final. She also got to the WTA finals but she did not win a single match in her debut. Nonetheless, she has a lot of points to defend this year and without a coach in her corner, things might not be so smooth as they were last year. Bouchard could face veteran and 2-time major champion Kuzi-Rex (27) in the 3^rd round and then the tricky German lefty, Carebear Kerber (9) or that Spanish Lady Hobbit, Carla Suarez Navarro (17) in the Round of 16. I do not think Bouchard is gonna make it to the quarterfinals but one never knows.

Wait what? Cornemort and Murguruza are in the same quarter as Serena? Sweet LOL

And no I don’t practice the dark arts of draw fixing … at least not all the time 🙂

Martha Shriekapova’s Section Eighth: I think we can just about safely write in quarterfinals and/or semifinals. She has no real threats in path at all. In fact, she has not lost to Halep yet. So even if the seeds stay true to form, Martha might be a sure bet. Her 3^rd round opponent is Zarina Diyas (31) who has no fire power to hurt Martha in the least. Only tough draw for the Russian might be Lucie Safarova (16) who will have to play the match of her life to get this upset. Nonetheless, I think we can put Martha in the finals and if anyone shows up other than Kvitova and Serena, it is Martha’s title to win or lose.

So here we are at the end! I hope we have a fun and great Aussie Open this year. Hopefully my favourites get their lives together and win the darn thing!

As much as I want to be loving LiNaLi in this picture giving me life with that beautiful pregnancy glow, that security guard in those shoes is KILLING ME! This is why I can never buy a pair of New Balance to save my life

Vickie is out partying. I hope she has her life together because she has a tough road ahead of her to get back to the top

It is like Venus loves to piss me off. WTF is she wearing a napkin on her head? And I am sorry this dress looks okay but it is giving me Christmas Angel pageant so I cannot approve. Serena I can see your busted edges from here

2015 New Year Resolutions for Our Players to Watch

THIS IS A RE-POSTING OF A PIECE THAT CAN BE FOUND ON Soley Tennis Travels http://soleytennistravels.com/new-year-resolutions-players-to-watch-in-2015/ SHE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST TENNIS MINDS OUT THERE! CHECK OUT OUR COLLABORATION HERE DEALING WITH WHAT WE ARE HOPING WILL HAPPEN IN 2015! 

2015 is just around the corner and we are continuing with that noble Roman tradition of crafting new year’s resolutions. I haven’t made a new year’s resolution in years and I am not about to do it now. The next best thing is to make up resolutions for other people! How grand is that? All of the perks but none of the stressors on me.

I rallied one of my favorite tennis bloggers to get his take on the resolutions he’d like to see five ATP and five WTA players adopt in 2015. I  offer my own and then his fervent wishes.

Venus Williams: I resolve to stop tiring myself out by playing doubles at slams and focus on winning another Wimbledon by playing to my strengths: use my first serve & nail those volleys in a kickass white outfit.

Sloane Stephens: I resolve to ignore stans of all ilk on Twitter, recognizing that age is on my side (side-eyes these old broads), and win one title. At least one.

Genie Bouchard: I resolve to try and stay injury free, so that I can avoid the predicted sophomore slump. I will also continue to be viciously ambitious. Get used to it folks, it’s what all the millenials are doing.

Taylor Townsend: I resolve to accept my greatness and hit the gym harder. I might also snatch Martina Navratilova from Aga if I can manage it.

Victoria Azarenka: I resolve to review videos of 2011 to remind myself of what I am capable. Also, I resolve to stop trying the charm offensive and go back to entering courts with my head phones blasting and wearing shorts.

Rafa Nadal: I resolve to defend a hardcourt title in 2015 and accept all of Tommy Hilfiger’s suggestions about dressing myself.

Tomas Berdych: I resolve to approach every match as if I am facing Roger Federer at the Olympics and to remember how possible it all seemed right after Stan’s demolition of Rafael Nadal in Australia in 2014.

Grigor Dimitrov: I resolve to spend less time falling on the court and more time channeling whomever that guy was at Wimbledon who took out Andy Murray in straight sets. I also resolve to get my ego in check and show up at the World Tour Finals as an alternate, if I’m ever so lucky to be that close again.

Roger Federer: I resolve to continue to do my old man exercises, stretch my back and stop being surprised by streaky queens at slams (Rafa, Gulbis, Cilic, and Nole). Can I get Nole to double fault when he’s playing me at a slam?

Gael Monfils: I resolve to keep being awesome every where I go and up my odds in a final by aiming for just winning a point instead of dazzling the crowd.

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One of my favorite passionate and occasional satirical blogger is RealzTenisFanz. He has some very intriguing ideas about the resolutions for some of his players. We ended up picking all but three of the same players! You can find his brand of tennis wisdom athttps://realztenisfanz.wordpress.com/

First off, it was very difficult for me to find 5 men and 5 women that I cared two real shakes about but I looked through the list and I came up with something … just know this is because I really like you Andreen and I tried.

So on the Women’s

1) Serena Williams: I need her to get her clothing/apparel/gear together. It was a mess all of 2014. I cannot think of a single outfit that I liked. Well there were some decent pieces in doubles. However, singles was disgusting; the colour combination, the construction, overall presentation, they were all messy. French Open, Wimbledon and US Open. They were all horrible. Most egregious was the Miami outfit looking like a bad bottle of Gatorade. She does better for me in 2 pieces and not when she tries to go for the altogether bit in a dress. That animal print at the US Open. Atrocious. Anyway, I need that situation to be fixed as well as her hair. That Ambri/Brazilian/Remi nonsense has to go. I got two words for it Gurl Bye! I am not gonna say any more on that.

This hair doesn’t need to be here anymore! I am not even going to address the brows and lashes!

There are 7 things wrong with this outfit. Can you spot them?

This doesn’t even make any fashion sense. Why am I looking this ridiculous? 

Why did my family let me come out the house looking like this?

Horse hair and zebra print. Can this outfit be put out to pasture?

Back in 2005 things were so much more interesting!

As for her tennis, I would really love for her to win the grand slam in 2015. She has really shown herself to be an all-court player and I think she deserves to get this under her belt. I am not a huge fan of Steffi Graf (blame that on the Monica Seles incident and also her husband) so I would really love it for Serena to be the undisputed best female player in the sport thus far. She has brought a lot more to the game, the sport as a whole and everything else good and bad to tennis and she really should get this one title. It is the only thing she doesn’t have. If she can’t win all four, I don’t mind her getting to 21 and lose to Venus at the US Open. I can definitely live with that. She needs to get back her Melbourne magic though. She was great in Melbourne but for the last 3 years, it has been mundane play.

THIS WO-MANCE IS UNUSUAL, UN-TENNIS, UN-AMERICAN, UN-DANISH AND UN-BELIEVEABLE

I AM GOING TO NEED ALL PARTIES INVOLVE TO CEASE AND DESIST WITH ALL THIS NONSENSICAL WO-MANCE BETWEEN HER AND CARO. IT IS RIDICULOUS AND UN-TENNIS. If Caro is not a friend of Venus then she shouldn’t be a friend of Serena.

This is the only acceptable form of interaction between these two

2) Venus Williams: Well it is no secret that Venus is like a thorn in my side. We have been through many ups and downs. I want to believe in my main gurl but she slays me all the time. Nonetheless, I think there might be some old magic left in her trunk and she can come through for me. I am going to need her to be making some major noise on tour this year especially at the French and Wimbledon. For some crazy reason I always envisioned this woman doing damage on the clay but she is messy and streaky. If she wants to get it done on the terre bateau, she is going to have to come to net and stick the volleys of course and that hot mess serve is gonna have to go far far away. She can pick up a couple tour titles but I am really looking for her to bring her expertise and experience at the majors and knock off some of these “pushers”.

Goodbye to this Vague Varying Venus! She is not good for my heart and spirit

I need this Vintage Venus to come back in 2015

3) Victoria Azarenka: I would like Vickie aka Victoria A to get her life and fitness together and be back in the top 10. I don’t wanna hear any excuses as well as any insufferable comments about her current, former and/or pending relationships. I am just interested in her and her tennis. Win and/or lose no excuses from her or her camp.

I need you to remember who you are Vickie. You’re a 2-time major champion

4) Petra Kvitova: I am going to need Petra to stay in the top 5. I don’t want no bullshit or jellyroll from this Czech. She needs to focus on tennis and not balls if you know what I mean. I don’t know what is her problem but she needs to stop acting like a college co-ed on Spring Break. Her favour is not some free handout as Costco. She’s gonna have to come up with better tennis except when playing Venus. That Wimbledon match still bothers me tremendously.

Petra you can play tennis besides at Wimbledon

5) Simona Halep: Mrs. Koolaide Jug. I know people hate on her and call her a pusher etc. However, I really think considering the circumstances of the game, height, court, ball, equipment, she is pretty decent. She comes off like a Vickie without all the histrionics. She doesn’t bother me much. I would really like to see her have another solid year. This was a good year but clearly she was not satisfied and I like that. She’s hungry for more. Whether she can actually produce this is another story. I am not sure if much can be improved save for mental sharpness. I also want her to be more present v Shriekapova and sneak out some wins.

Simona, since Venus stopped playing New Haven back in early 2000’s, this has ceased being a real tournament. So I am gonna need you to do better than that. Thanks

MEN’s

I need you to make this happen again!

1) Roger Federer: Mr. Federer. It is no secret that when it comes to the Swiss maestro, I am greedy. I want him to win everything. However, this is not possible but I would like him to get two major wins this win including the Aussie Open title and re-claim number 1 spot. I know he loves Wimbledon but I can deal with him getting his 2nd French Open title over Divadal. That would make my year …. it would make my life in fact. I will never forget 2008 Wimbledon. Divadal deserves his comeuppance.

Need I say more

2) Rafa Nadal: Divadal. He needs to stay slamless in 2014 and come out of the closet. In fact I need him to get dragged out of the closet. The nonsense he and his Unclé Toni be playing at is really grating and I am sick and tired of all this media antics. Sick of his “sickness” etc.

Yeah even I am confused by what’s going on here

3) Novak Djokovic: Djoker. This is going to be really hard. He is gonna have to make me like him. I respect his game but he reeks of being a douchebag a lot of the times. I am gonna need him to be a respectable tennis player and not some media monkey puppet.

I’m a good guy and you’re gonna like me in 2015

4) Gael Monfils: I am going to need Monfils to play an entire year of professional tennis. I don’t know if he imagines that he can start a “Globetrotters version of tennis” but I am gonna need this Frenchman to get into the top 10 and stay there.

No more crazy Gael in 2015

Yeah Beetlejuice, you have to show me that you can play great tennis like you play against Mr. Federer except when you play him

5) Borna Coric: I would like this young player to be seeded by the time the US Open rolls around. I like his attitude and his game. There is of course room for development but I would like to see his game get on board and for him to do some damage.

Borna Coric. Fresh young face on the tour and he doesn’t reek of doucheyness

Well, those are certainly resolutions that you won’t find everywhere. Because I know some of ya’ll have a dirty mind,

I asked Realz to clarify his resolution for Divadal and he said “Davidal should play it straight with us, himself and the media. The level of misinformation from his camp makes it difficult for us to take him seriously unless you are his most ardent fan.”

You need to come straight with your fans Divadal! No more shenanigans! 

People are starting to talk! Gurl Bye! 

Thank you @realztenisfanz for keeping us on our toes in tennis land!

NO THANK YOU ANDREEN! As always A PLEASURE WORKING WITH YOU!

2014 Barclays ATP World Tour Finals

The boyz are in London!! Now I don’t know why Horsikori up front and center with those chompers

So it seems that we are very near the end of another tennis year and boy was it an interesting one. There were so many plot twists, devices and developments that one is not sure whether it was tennis or some sport-version of a soap opera; As the Tennis World Turns or Days of Our Tennis Lives. 2014 was a year that had everything and then some for anyone and everyone who has any kinda inkling for tennis. I mean it was near too much at times even for veteran fanz like moi but this posting is not about to be a 2014 in review. No we do not have time for that and that might happen in another posting. (Do not hold me to that promise at all) However, the reason for this bit is regarding the upcoming … well current ATP Year-Ending Championships better known as Barclays ATP World Tour Finals.

If you are any kinda fanz of the sport you hardly need to be told that Barclays ATP World Tour Finals is where the top 8 ranked men for that calendar year though strictly speaking this does not necessarily mean the top 8 ranked men in the last 52-weeks which extend beyond the calendar year. It might seem confusing but it all really makes sense. This 8-man field, barring absence for “legitimate” reasons, must include any and all major winners of that year even if said person is not within the top 8 but within the top 20. Now this rule has hardly ever needed enacting since typically the major winners have always done due diligence and found themselves within the normal cut-off point. If I am not mistaken, the last time that this rule was put into effect was back in 2001 for Goran Ivanisevic when he won Wimbledon but was just barely in the top 20. Ironically, this “by-law” caused a recent stink because Ivanisevic’s new charge, Marin Cilic aka Chin Cilic was floating just outside the top 8 but still set to qualify for the event.

British fans found themselves in parts of the world they didn’t even know exist following their main man Lochness Murray

Meanwhile, Lochness Monster aka Andy Murray began playing a “Scrub Schedule” because he was lurking outside of the top 8 and he had to ensure that he qualified higher than 8th because there was the strong likelihood that he would have been bounced for Cilic who was hardly bothered by his ranking at the tournament because he knew he had already punched that ticket for London since September in NYC. (NB A scrub schedule is playing tournaments in the ATP 250 level tournaments and you are not getting paid for one’s presence) Now I for one would not have missed Lochness Monster in the least had he not made it but many “pundits” took up this cause as Nessie began to grumble and complain as is his customary stance, citing it being “unfair” because he was working hard and it might not pay off. I mean Sweet Jojoba, gurl get a life. It is only one tournament and this has been the rule since long time and you never complained once before but now you are more pressed than a fresh shirt from the cleaners.

Nessie even went so far as to call out Stanley (Stanislas Wawrinka) and Chin Cilic saying that they might not be in the top 8 but yet could still go the London over him. Clearly the Monster has left the lakes of Scotland for the Egyptian River of De-Nile or perhaps he dozed off counting sheep in the highlands because he is missing the obvious. Stanley and Chin Cilic won a major in 2014, something he has not accomplished for the year. We are not even going to mention that embarrassing outing versus Divadal at the French semifinals. Divadal was brutal in Paris. It was like watching two players going at it in Mortal Kombat video game and the other player’s controller was stuck and thus barely able to register a blow to his opponent. It was savage, vicious and bloody; definitely not for children under 17. I near shouted out to the screen, “Fatality! Finish Him!” I am not trying to take anything away from Nessie’s year because he made the quarters or better at all four 4 majors. Djoker was the only other person to do so if I am not mistaken.

Like always, I paid Lochness no mind because you ignored him long enough, he will stop. And true to form, he STFU and got his life together. He played everything possible and won like 3 titles in the fall. I am sure, though it cannot be confirmed in the slightest, he was willing to sign up for a tournament in your backyard if there were a couple of points to be had so badly he wanted to be in London. It was like watching a crackhead in full fury trying to get his next hit; it reeked of desperation. All in all he made it to the event on his own terms ranked 5.

So back the field. Technically, it is the men who are in the top 9 that are present at the event because Divadal pulled out to deal with her “appendix”. Now there is just so much to be said on this “appendectomy” that I am not sure whether I should deal with it now or perhaps in a separate post. I mean the details of Divadal, his doctors and his dramatic diagnoses have always been sordid tales on the ATP tour. Divadal has provided us with various sensational sicknesses including the Mysterious Melbourne Maladie, the lingering effects of the Wimbledon Whooping Coughs, the Whimsical Wrist and of course the infamous “Klandestine Knees”. However, I think this most recent “Medical Melodrama” re-wrote all the rules of engagement. The “Abnormal Appendicitis” was epic and I am not merely exaggerating or being hyperbolic. David Lynch would be proud of how it all unfolded. This was truly a medical marvel. So with all that, I think it is best to leave this matter for another piece soon to be posted after this tournament (Again do not hold me to this). I will not have Divadal trying to steal the thunder from the other players.

Ladies and Gents, here are top 8 men for these championships (I think Berdshite blew a big one)

So let us discuss the matter at hand. So the 8 men present for this event are as follows:

1. Djoker Harlequeen (Novak Djokovic; Serbia)
2. Mr. Federer/Federror (Roger Federer; Switzerland)
3. Stanley (Stanislas Wawrinka; Switzerland)
4. Horsikori aka Gumby (Kei Nishikori; Japan)
5. Lochness Monster/Murray (Andy Murray; Scotland/Great Britain)
6. Berdshite aka Lurch (Tomas Berdych; Czech Republic)
7. Dennis the Menace (Milos Raonic; Canada)
8. Chin Cilic (Marin Cilic; Croatia)

These men are divided into groups: Group A and Group B which are as follows:

GROUP A	GROUP B
1. Djoker Harlequeen	2. Mr. Federer
3. Stanley	4. Horsikori
6. Berdshite	5. Lochness Monster
8. Chin Cilic	7. Raonic

Now the format of the tournament is that each group plays a Round-Robin system so each player within the group play a series of 3 matches against the other players. By the end of the week, the top 2 players from each group advance to the semifinal stage where is it back to the normal knock-out format. The winner of each group plays the 2nd qualifier of the other group. I hope this makes sense for it is hardly complicated though many reporters on the subject make it sound like Quantum Physics. This I must admit is partly due to the specific nature of the Round-Robin system which rewards not only quantity but also quality of match played. That is to say, to win/lose a match is not all that matters but more importantly how you won/lose said match as consideration is given to number of games/sets won/lost when determining the ranking within a group. However, if you win or lose all three of your matches you will not need to consult the charts to see your future because it is quite clear even to the undead. You win your three matches, you move on without a bother. You lose all three matches you move on out as you were not a bother but you take home a nice cheque for $85,000 USD.

Anyway, I have been reading up a lot of reports on this event and to be honest I was not going to write anything but I was moved to do so because of the downright fcukery I was reading on the byways and highways of the Neverland of the Internet. Some of it was just downright reckless. It was as though people were in a Warped Wonderland of tennis where Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum were running the place. Since I am no Alice, I figured before I got all murderous on their Jabberwocky asses, I should check my blood pressure and “pen” my own piece on the subject for parity sake. I really cannot deal with the high bullshitery people be serving up as tennis analysis. It drives me insane.

Gurl ain’t nobody checking for you!

So here we go with clearing up some of the madness I have read: First off: The event does not need nor does it miss Divadal. He really is not relevant to the cause here. He has never done well here and his efforts when he does decide to grace us with his presence, is hardly ever noteworthy. The quick indoor courts are not suited for his game/playing style at all. Of course the event has tried to amend matters slightly because of both his and Uncle Toné’s constant complaints. However, things have not “improved” to their advantage and they have accepted, one hopes, that this might very well be a place where their skullduggery would not work. So Divadal is right where he needs to be; seated. Preferably while he is having several seats, he is sipping on some Truth Tea Detox but again one is only being hopeful.

I mean Professora X says it best

Second: The players who qualified are quite adequate to put on a really great event. This year, more so than any other in recent memory, has seen a far greater level of “parity” on the ATP tour. You had 4 different major winners including two maiden winners, Stanley in Australia and Chin Cilic in NYC. In fact it was both Stanley and Chinny’s first trip to a major final and they showed themselves to be capable of accepting the challenge of dethroning the usual suspects, Djoker, Divadal and Mr. Federer. They both had a fabulous tournament and a relatively great year. Added to this you have rising stars in the form of Horsikori and Dennis the Menace who are both tapped as the “Next Generation” on tour. We need not forget that there is the ubiquitous presence of Mr. Federer, Djoker and Lochness Monster. Added to this we also have the possibility of Mr. Federer regaining the No. 1 ranking depending on how things go here in London and later on in Davis Cup finals against France. So we have a stacked field of heavy hitters both in name and game and some possible intriguing subplots. We need not point out how far more interesting this event is going to be than the WTA Finals though that did turn out to be intriguing in some regard.

We also have Berdshite but we are not going to talk much about this enigma; the less said, the better. Let us just be thankful that we do not have any Spaniards in the field. Now I do not hate Spaniards in the least. However, when it comes to Spanish tennis players, they are mostly just “scrubs”. Divadal being the exception, the likes of Fake Fire Ferrer (David Ferrer) and Tommy Nobraino (Tommy Robredo) are just too weak hearted to be muddling up this field. Do not misunderstand me, I do think the “Spanish Armada” is a talented lot but historically like their namesake, when put to the real test and meant to show their true grit, they sink and/or scurry back to their port of call beaten and battered. They just seem imposing but in reality they are mostly impotent (That’s not a read; just being Realz). And like Sweet Brown said, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

Some more please sir. The more, the better

Third: If there is anything about this event that I would have loved to see is perhaps several other players making it in. Grigor Dimitrov aka Maria’s Bluebeard, Baby Ali (Jo-Wilfried Tsonga) Ernests Gulbis and perhaps Beetlejuice (Gael Monfils) would have all been welcomed here. I need not explain that Dimitrov and Baby Ali are always nice to look at no matter the circumstances. Now I know how to count and this would mean 12 players and Beetlejuice is not even in the top 12 but I am thinking of including these players in the tournament to make it more interesting especially for fans who seem to love to cheer a lot of these players. That is not to say that the 8 players who qualified are not fan favourites but you really see people getting crazy excited for Berdych, Raonic and/or Nishikori unless they are Czech, Canadian and Japanese respectively? I only want to include Gulbis because he is always good for saying something stupid and besides, Berdshite needs someone on his level to talk to. I’m just saying.

Anyway, I am happy with the 8 who are present though I would have loved for Lochness Monster to have not made it so that some of these British commentators can actually do some real work instead of “riding Murray’s dick” all tournament long. It is ridiculous how they are “sweating” the man and constantly talking him up EVEN when he is not playing. They make all manner of excuses for him and worse still, they swear he is the best thing in tennis right now. Now that is some mystic level bullshit that my low-level mind has not yet achieved the power to unlock and fully comprehend its true meaning. In fact, I am sure my mind would never be able to see this “truth” but I am just glad I am not drinking that koolaide.

Me don’t like no koolaide

So let us get into the real dynamics of the Groups: The biggest pile of rubbish I have read thus far about this tournament is that Group A is the “tough” group because it boasts three major winners. Now fanz, this is lie straight for the pits of tennis hell. Do not be tempted to believe this as truth. You hear someone utter this fabrication, you rebuke them in the name of Tennis Jojoba and tell them to “Go in peace and say it no more!”. This falsehood is near the magnitude of the talk of Serena Williams and Martha Shriekapova having a tennis rivalry. I mean seriously, Serena is 16-2 lifetime v the Russian of which you have 15 straight victories stretching as far back as 2005. I do not know how in anyone’s mind this is a rivalry unless the word’s definition has now changed to mean the very opposite of rivalry. Martha is competing against Serena, that much is clear but Serena is out there slaying and filleting that fish like she is an outdoors woman. This matchup is many things but most certainly none of it is a rivalry. But we digress. Without question, Group B is the tougher group.

Now in Group A, as I have pointed out, has Djoker, Stanley, Berdshite and Chin Cilic. First off, we have Berdych in that group and I am going to let him have the floor on this matter.

This is all coming directly from him and we need not look further to see where this hot mess is going. I mean we are talking about Berdshite who lost a final to Carlos Berlocq earlier this year after leading by a mile and was near being double bagelled in China by Djoker last month. So I am finding it hard to see Berdshite being any kinda threat. Secondly, we have Stanley in this mix. I mean Stanley had a great year. That is not up for debate. However, Stanley’s year ended in April after he beat Mr. Federer to take his first Masters 1000 title in Monte Carlo. This victory came on the heels of the utterly brilliant performance in Melbourne where he defeated Djoker and Divadal to take the major title. Nevertheless, it seemed as though Stanley was content with these few accolades and outside these magnificent performances, he has turned up quite mediocre for tournaments. He lost 1st round at the French, punked out at Wimbledon (though I am not mad he did because Mr. Federer benefitted greatly as a result) and he capitulated in New York v Horsikori. Needless to say at the other tour events it was mostly piss poor play. I mean he is capable of doing something serious but I am not gonna believe this unless I see it. Nothing about Stanley’s behaviour since April indicates that he is really serious about his tennis and thus I am not serious about him.

Chin Cilic at the US Open

I cannot forget Chin Cilic and although he had a great US Open, this is hardly saying much because he has not before that event or even after showed himself capable of winning big tournaments. However, I will give him the benefit of the doubt but I will not give him this inane sense of grandeur that these pundits want to bestow upon him and the rest of the group. Group A is really just Djoker and a pack of scrubs. They might be able to do some damage but there is just no guarantee of anything explosive happening and they are mostly risky bets. We all know Djoker be a BEAST come the Fall and he is ruthless at these events. He lost his Beijing crown to Mr. Federer and you know he is looking to reclaim some leverage. Added to all this, he will want to retain his number 1 crown to be a Number 1 Dad and the World’s Number 1. He is not going down at the O2 arena without a bloody fight. He is the only “sure thing” in that group.

Berdshite and Djoker. Here is a bottle of champagne to congratulate you on your son and my defeat

Now that we have tucked that Group A bullshit to bed. The grownups can have a real discussion about Group B. This B in Group B should be for Bomb or Bombastic because things are bound to be explosive from the very start. Lochness Monster is playing in front of his homecrowd and he is up against Horsikori who is definitely coming into his own as of late. Horsikori is a deceptive player. He moves well and you never know how he is going to attack you. That backhand of his is a deadly weapon. Lochness Monster might be tired after his epic schedule this fall but he will definitely be spurred on by his compatriots hoping for the beast to move on. Then it is Mr. Federer v Raonic who beat Mr. Federer in straight sets just a couple weeks ago in Paris. Raonic’s 1st serve is MASSIVE and if it is on, then he is on. I do have to say that his 2nd serve is as effective as Venus Williams’. Now that is a read.

The Granny Vee serve is as precarious as highwire act

If Mr. Federer gets through this matchup, he has to also play Horsikori who has several quality wins over him and then Lochness Monster who has never been an easy opponent for him. So in essence in Group B, you have the number 2 player potentially losing all 3 of his matches and not because he is a bad player but because the quality of the group. This also goes for each of the other players. Lochness Monster will have to fight hard for every match if he wants to get out. There are no easy matches here as he is 1-3 vs Raonic and 11-11 vs Mr. Federer. His 3-0 record vs Nishikori will hardly matter on this stage.

The Question Mark is squarely over his head

The only real question mark is Dennis the Menace because he does not have the killer instinct and steely confidence that the other players possess. Perhaps in time he will get that but this tournament does not take too kindly to wanderers and fiddlers. You have to come out hard and strong for every match. The Canadian’s game is two-dimensional so very vulnerable to attack but make no mistake when those two-dimensions are working, they dwarf just about anybody’s game out there. He best be careful because his countrywoman Genie Bouchard got crushed at the WTA Finals 0-3 in her debut. Horsikori can take on anyone and I am certain he did not come to London to play tourist. He is looking for a big title to his name and he will be fighting as hard as his lil broken body can to make waves here in London. So you see, Group B is really where all the action is going to be. Group A is all about which scrub will rise to the top to take the 2nd spot for the semifinals.

I did not come here to play tourist, I am here to snatch wigs and trophy

A Prediction: Now you know how I loathe making such things. However, I would admit that I think Djoker is really the man to beat. He morphs into a different player,Djuggernaut, after the US Open. He is clearly dealing with the bitterness of not making the US Open final and winning the title. He is definitely on a confidence wave having a new baby boy, Stefan, with his new wife. So he is definitely the perennial favourite to win. I favour Mr. Federer next but it is a tough road to this title. He is desperately trying to be number 1 again and even though he did not win a major this year, winning a 7th YEC title will be the next best closest thing and Mr. Federer will take it in a heartbeat. The surface does favour him though early reports indicate that it is rather slow. I gave Nishikori an outside shot to win this title and I would be happy if he does take it in the event of Mr. Federer’s “absence”. I imagine a Chin Cilic will try to secure this title because he definitely wants to silence critics who think his major win was a “fluke”. He is also arriving here in London rested as he did not play Paris. The other players, well if they are able to win this title, I think we can record this 2014 officially as a watershed moment in tennis history but I highly doubt that eventuality. Anyway, this is about all there really is to say about this subject. I hope you all fans enjoyed the “Return of Realz”. Please COMMENT BELOW!!

It might be a 3rd straight victory for Djoker who is usually in Djuggernaut mood here at the ATP Finals

Also let us not forget that the Top 8 Doubles teams are also present.

There is always something magical about a man in a suit!

Wimbledon 2014: Day 6

Like serious Wimbledon, WTMFF

Yet again, another day where I can hardly speak. I am near done with this Wimbledon. Well the big news of the weekend is that the Serenanator (1) went out to Alizé Cornet (25) aka Cornemort. Oh boy was this a disappointment. I mean the Serenanator looked deactivated. She was mess. She started off a bit messy but then after that she was en pointe. Then after taking the 1^st set 6-1, she went totally offline. Cornemort was the one dictating play throughout for the rest of the match. She used some unforgiveable curse on ReRe. Gurl was all over the Serenanator like white on rice. It was like ReRe flatlined or something. It was not looking too good. It is a real disappointment when ReRe is not around because madness ensues. Anyway good on Cornemort for taking this match. This is only the 2^nd time she has made it to the 2^nd week of a major in her career. This is also her 34^th major appearance. Congrats gurl, you’re moving up.

I can’t get my life together at all!!

YESSS GAWDDD I did it again!! Dark Lord Cornemort Rising

Just remember gurl, Revenge for beating my sister again. I got your number; I’m gonna go all postal on your @$$

Also I want to point out that Cornet was being blatantly coached from the sidelines. Her coach was making all kinds of hand gestures etc. It was ridiculous. Of course guess who was the chair umpire, Mariana Alves. Yes the same who “screwed” Serena in the 2005 US Open. Another interesting notorious figure present on court, the same lineswoman ReRe chewed out. It was just a bad day for the American. The rain was making that weave a mess and all. It was horrible. The world was stunned by this result. Please do not think I am bitter about this loss at all. I am only annoyed that Cornet might more than likely lose in the next round against Bouchard (13). Bouchard is not going to let an opportunity like this go astray. Bouchard took out Andrea Petkovic (20) 6-3 6-4

Genie Bouchard

Anyway on to other winners. So Martha aka Maria aka Shriekapova (5) just totally dragged Alison Riske across Centre Court like she tried to snatch her wig and exposed her lacefront. It was not cute. Riske broke Shriekapova was got a lead of 3-1. Then homegurl never won another game in the match! Shriekapova just beat that gurl down on court; it was like when animals attacked. Shriekapova won 11 straight games for 6-3 6-0 victory. She is into the 2^nd week of Wimbledon and from here on end to the rest of the year, homegurl is only adding points. She did not play for the rest of the year after Wimbledon last year.

YES!!! Serenanator is gone! Bye GURL!!

Mrs. Koolaide Jug (3) also won her match as she beat rising star Belinda Bencic of Switzerland. Bencic is allegedly the protégée of Martina Hingis. I wonder if these young girls realize that Martina loves the limelight … Martina is all about hogging the attention. She was working with Lisicki and then dropped her to go play doubles. Now she lost in the 1^st round of doubles. Martina gurl get a life. Either you trying to be a coach or you’re still an active player. You cannot do both particularly if people are putting their careers in your hands. Two other winners Carebear Kerber (9) who after dropping the opening set to Kirsten Flipkens (24) 3-6, roared back to take it 6-3 6-2. A surprise player in the 4^th round is a Zarina Diyas from Kazakhstan. Diyas beat 2010 finalist Vera Zvonareva in 3 sets also.

Rain interrupted much of the day’s play

The rest of the ladies 3^rd round matches would be played on Monday as would the remaining men’s 3^rd round. There are several 4^th round battles on the ladies side that would also be play most highly featured match being Bouchard (13) v Cornemort.

He was down but unfortunately not out!!

Divadal for the third successive match dropped the 1^st set. However, he came back in roaring fashion against Kukushkin. 6-7 6-1 6-1 6-1. Divadal baked up triple breadsticks. I swear these scrubs be looking for trouble. I do not know what’s the point of taking a set from Divadal if you have no intention of winning the match or at least another set? They be acting as though one is being paid by the number of sets they play. And straight that Divadal is lacking focus and concentration in the beginning of matches. Or perhaps this is all some crazy ploy to get attention for himself. Who knows or who cares? All I want to know is who is going to take three sets from him in this tournament?

Hello I’m still here

Anywho, Mr. Federer is showing great form through 3 rounds here at Wimbledon. He knocked out Santiago Giraldo 6-3 6-1 6-3. Now I am not made that Mr. Federer is showing great form thus far. My issue is that will this hold up against the big boys. He has Stan the Man possibly in the quarterfinals and then potentially Divadal. #trouble No Bueno. And now that he is through to the 4^th round, he will face none other than Tommy Robredo (23) who took out Mr. Federer at this stage last year at the US Open. Robredo beat Jerzy Janowicz (15) 6-2 6-4 6-7 4-6 6-3. Mr. Federer you best deal with this case. I can’t deal with another early round major lost. Also Dennis the Menace Raonic (8) took out last year’s quarterfinalist, Lukas Kubot in straight sets 7-6 7-6 6-2. There was also an interesting matchup of the two wildcard entrants who dashed nearly all of French hopes, Nick Kyrgios who beat Gasquet in 5 sets when on to beat Jiri Vesely who had beaten Beetlejuice. Kyrgios won in 4 sets 3-6 6-3 7-5 6-2 and through to this first Round of 16 in a major.

Yeah thanks for showing up now bye. I’m off to my 1st Round of 16 at a major

Isner aka Mountain Troll will play FeFe Lopez on Monday. Their match got suspended as did Stan the Man and Denis Istomin’s match. Kei Nishikori aka Horsikori and Simone Bolelli are 3-3 in the 5^th set. They will continue on Monday. So I have been getting some feedback from a fanz. He stated that I should re-rename John Isner. We all know that he was called BFG, Big Friendly Giant but after he decided to be all “ignant” and stuff I said I should call him Mountain Troll. However, a fanz as I said made another suggest; Notorious B.I.G aka Notorious Big Ignorant Giant. It sounds cool and everything I think. So let me know what you think.

John Isner aka Mountain Troll or John Isner aka Notorious B.I.G?

Kiss the grass and Serena can kiss my ass

No Laquanda do not come out! Let’s keep it team Jesus today.

So Serena how do you feel about this lost?

Mofo how do you think I feel? Gurl I gotta read you a bit…You know you’re my good gurlfriend but I have to tell you, the weave looking ratchet. You have to fix this. No Bueno!!!

So gurl what you doing later?

Wanna come with me to meet up with him?

Honey is his (gulp) really that big? YESSS GAWD!! I am coming

I mean seriously this golden blazer is just everything right now!!! EVERYTHING

No boo shit your ass down. You look like a clown.

I mean double scoops of chocoloate … the possibilities

Mofo, this face does not look like no fcuking Koolaide Jug

Gurl you blind?

Whatever mofo

We think we cute

#teamgay? or #teamgaynesia?

Kei Nishikori is all hotness

Until he shows his teeth and he becomes Horsikori

Wimbledon 2014: Day 4

That’s how I feel right now .. like I could collapse

Well again, I am working on very little sleep here … So Day 4 was all ablaze with the men’s match up of Divadal v Lukas Rosol. Rosol you would remember defeat Divadal in 5 sets back in 2012. However, Divadal beat Rosol earlier this year in Doha in straight sets. Nonetheless, you know how the media can be. Anyway, so for a minute, it looked like Rosol was going to score the upset again. He won the 1^st set 6-4 and was up a break in 2^nd set.

The crows were buzzing overhead to pick up the Divadal entrails

However, he got broken but was able to force it to a tiebreaker where he had the set on his racquet up 5-4. He lost one of those points but got set point at 6-5 but this time on Divadal’s serve. Divadal came up with the goods and took the set and in essence the match. Divadal broke Rosol early in sets 3 and 4 and though Rosol would get it back on serve in the 4^th set 4-4, he got broken immediately and Divadal served it out 4-6 7-6⁶ 6-4 6-4. Needless to say, the result was disappointing. I mean Rosol had a look at a 2-0 sets love lead but basically choked. I mean Divadal does this to players. For two sets, they have good looks at a huge advantage and he dares them to take it. But it seems these players, Klizan, Djoker, Fake Fire Ferrer and Rosol cannot get over that hurdle of really beating Divadal. I also feel like I jinxed Rosol as I was determined not to watch the match but I got curious when he was leading and took a peek. #Icant #Ijustcant

Suck on that Realz. I am coming for your main man Mr. Federer

Anyway onto other matches: Mr. Federer was in vintage form against Gilles Muller 6-3 7-5 6-3. Although rain interrupted play and they had to get off court to close the roof, Mr. Federer returned still in stellar form. The numbers were very impressive from Mr. Federer, along with the 25 aces, he had 1 double fault dropped only 9 points on serve with 44 winners and 5 errors. His biggest serve 127mph was even bigger than Muller’s at 125mph. Mr. Federer never faced a break point. It was like Mr. Federer was playing Andy Roddick all over again. Muller had that 2 dimensional game; try and get a huge 1^st serve in and then crack on the forehand. However, Muller is much more comfortable up at net than Roddick though but Mr. Federer was in target practice mood. In the presser, the journalists pointed out to Mr. Federer that every time he has beaten Muller, he went on to win the tournament.

Q.  Three times you have played Gilles before now and — you’ve gone on to win the tournament.
ROGER FEDERER:  Oh, really?  Ohh.  Are you sure?  (Laughter.) I’ll go check it out … I’m very happy to be
through and happy to hear the news.

Mr. Federer … that’s all

Contrastingly, fellow Swiss Stan the Man Wawrinka (5) was somewhat messy in his 2^nd round match. Yen-Hsun Lu had chances to really make something of this match. Grass is not Wawrinka’s favourite surface and added to this, Wawrinka gave him many looks to really take this match. Lu served for the 1^st set but got broken and was up 5-2 in the breaker only to let Stan back into the set to take it. Even in the 4^th set, after taking the 3^rd set, Lu had a chance to serve for it at 5-4 had he converted on the break point in the 8^th game. Nonetheless it was he who was on the defensive as Stan broke him and served it out for a 7-6 6-3 3-6 7-5 victory.

We’ll take whatever wins we can get. So lay off my case Realz

Both Dennis the Menace Raonic (8) and Kei Horseteethikori (10) made short work of two Americans to move through to the 3^rd round. Dennis the Menace took out Jock Sock 6-3 6-4 6-4 and Horseteethikori took out Denis Kudla 6-3 6-2 6-1. Mountain Troll beat Jarkko Nieminen 7-6 7-6 7-5. Tommy Robredo (23) also won his match in straight sets over France’s Adrian Mannarino 6-4 6-1 7-6. Other winners include last year’s quarterfinalist, Lukas Kubot as well as Denis Istomin and Mikhail Kukushkin. Baby Ali (14) who finally finished up his 2^nd round match against American Sam Querrey aka the Grinch 4-6 7-6 6-76-3 14-12. They were 9-9 at the end of the previous day’s play.

Baby Ali doing the happy dance

Nick Kyrgios sent Gasquet packing

Unfortunately, the other two top French men were not so lucky in their 2^nd round matches. Resident clown Beetlejuice (24) went out to Jiri Vesely of Czech Republic. Beetlejuice dropped the first two sets and then rallied to take the next two in breakers. Now you would think someone of Beetlejuice’s experience he would be able to find a way to win it in the 5^th. Nope, he mucked about the place and Vesely broke him in the 9^th game and served it out for a 7-6 6-3 6-7 6-7 6-4 victory. The other Frenchman, Gasquet (13) was facing a 19-year-old wild card entrant in the form of Nick Kyrgios of Australia. Gasquet was up 2-0 sets in the match and allowed Kyrgios to take the next two. He would have 9; that’s NINE match points and unable to convert any of them. Kyrgios took it 3-6 6-7 6-4 7-5 10-8. There was another upset, Philipp Khlschreiber (22) was also knocked out in 5 sets by Simone Bolelli.

Serenanator was very serene on court as she dismantled Scheepers … Wait is Martha saying shite about me

On the women side, Serenanator (1) and Shriekapova (5) are on a collision course with each other in the quarterfinals. They both dismantled their respective opponent. ReRe won 6-1 6-1 and Martha 6-2 6-1. Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide was supposed to play yesterday but rain suspended play in the afternoon and it would be played today. Carebear Kerber (9) won over Heather Watson 6-2 5-7 6-1. Now I like Watson as she has a really fun personality or so it seems via Facebook etc. However, what bothers me about her and a lot of the young players on the tour is that they really are “opportunists.” They cannot win unless the top players are choking. They cannot create anything on their side to remotely hurt the “big girls;” they rely heavily on others mistakes and not them taking the offensive. Take Watson, she fought her way into the 2^nd set and closed it out 7-5. Come 3^rd set, NOTHING! NADA! NOUGHT! She almost went down 0-6. Consider Muguruza, Bouchard and Halep at the French against Shriekapova. They only got to the 3^rd set and again they were not able to do anything even though the momentum was in their favour.

What you going to do about it?

Not today Satan! Not today! Jehovah talk to her, please! I am trying to be a good girl at Wimbledon. She is trying to bring Laquanda on court. Laquanda is not allowed to come out. She’s on probation. She’s not nasty. She’s just real. Keeps it real. And you just definitely don’t want to cross her. Because you cross her, then she snaps. I don’t speak to her very often. I try never to see her. She’s nuts. Spare her Jehovah in these words I pray. Amen

Meanwhile, Eva had this to say on the matter, Martha best to chill. I won’t be able to protect you if Laquanda comes on court. I can barely protect myself.

Adje!!! Ana is on court and not Ivanovic the Terrible

Anyway, speaking of Bouchard (13) she won her match in straight sets. She could potentially meet Serenanator in the Round of 16. Ana Ivanovic (11) so far is on court in her first two matches as she too moved through to the 3^rd round. No sign so far of Ivanovic the Terrible. Last year’s semifinalist and finalist Kristin Flipkens (24) and Sabine Losicki (19) both won their 2^nd round matches in straight sets. Andreas Petkovic (20) and Lady Cornemort (25) aka Alize Cornet of France are also through to the 3^rd round both winning in 3 sets. Cornemort will face the Serenanator in the 3^rd round. Cornemort beat the Serenanator earlier this year, so it is a re-match with ReRe looking for the revenge kill. Other winners of interest who also made it to the 3^rd round include Yaraslova Shvedova who took out last year’s quarterfinalist Kaia Kanepi in 3 sets, American Madison Keys also won in 3 sets as well as fellow American Alison Riske who took out Camila Giorgi 7-5 6-2. Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15) got dismissed in three sets by Zarina Diyas.

 The Divadal’s hair raising problem

First it looks like this

Then this

midway it start looking like wet feathers

And then even he can’t deal with the mess

ARGHHH I’ve thinning hair… Why can’t I get Roger’s locks

Well good thing I have a decent body to compensate

Don’t even know what to say about this hair

WTF indeed Carlo? We are all wondering why you look like this

What a handsome lady

Anyone else noticing how much happier Lochness Monster seem. I mean I’ve never seen him smile so often. If this continues, I might have to call him Puff the Magic Dragon

Just hanging with the boys

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?

Sometimes ….

Now to worry, you’re not alone.

Yeah I had to cover it up because gurl, it is like the Amazon down there.

Do you think we look foolish? No. I think we might just look ridiculous

Hey gurl

Well how you doing?

 

 

 

Wimbledon 2014: Day 2

Day 2

So here we are with Day 2 at the 2014 Wimbledon Championships. Nearly all matches were completed and most of the big names got through to the 2^nd round. However, there were some upsets mostly on the women’s side. The men seem to be in it for the money; 1^st round money is very good but 2^nd round money is even better.

Divadal finally made it to the 2nd round of a grass court tournament

Divadal (2) won his 1^st round match … well that is to say that he finally won a match on grass. He took out Martin Klizan 4-6 6-3 6-3 6-3. Interestingly enough they met last year at the French Open in the 2^nd round. The scoreline was the same. Klizan had his chances to do much more but he could not execute on the big points. Divadal does not look so smooth but it does not matter. A win is a win. You don’t win a major in the first week but you sure can lose one. Things are even more interesting because guess who Divadal is playing in the 2^nd round …. None other than Lukas Rosol himself; the man who started Divadal’s troubles on grass back in 2012 when he dismissed him at Wimbledon in the 2^nd round. After that loss, Divadal disappeared from tour claiming “The Knees were acting up.” He returned to the tour in February 2013. Divadal did not lose a single match on hard court all of 2013. Now I am not starting any rumours here, I am just stating facts. Rosol took out French hotness Benoit Paire in his opening round match 6-3 3-6 7-6 6-4. It is very very very very unlikely that Rosol will score another upset but non-fanz of Divadal will be ever hopeful that lightening will strike twice.

SHIT! I thought I was going to get that upset today

Anyway we digress, Baby Ali (14) finished up his match against Meltdown by serving it out at love 6-1 3-6 3-6 6-2 6-4. When rain interrupted play on Monday, Baby Ali was up 5-4 in the 5^th. Also finishing up his match was Sam Querrey aka The Grinch. He knocked out fellow American Bradley Klahn 6-7 6-4 6-1 7-5.

Even though he only played one game today, you know we hardly need an excuse to show Baby Ali

Mr. Federer (4) won his match with relative ease 6-1 6-1 6-3. He took out Italian Paolo Lorenzi. Mr. Federer had 9 aces, 40 winners and 20 errors. However, a lot of those errors came about as a result of poor execution. I can’t deal with a sloppy Federror. He needs to do better. His level of play will suffice for the scrubs and lower tiers of the ATP but when he meets the likes Goonie Gulbis, Divadal et al, it will not hold up at all. Nonetheless we move on: Fellow Swiss player, Stan the Man (5) or “Stanimal” as he being called… for me Wawrinka cannot be a “Stanimal” when he is losing regular tour matches to scrubs on a regular basis. When he has multiple majors and master series title, then he’ll be “Stanimal” for now he is just “Stan the Man” who beat Divadal’s @$$ in the Aussie Open final causing Divadal to claim “bad back.” Anyway, Stan the Man took out hotness Joao Sousa 6-3 6-4 6-3. Stan had 18 aces. That’s some big boy serving.

Mr. Federer

Stan the Man

Other seeded players who won include up and coming contenders Milos Raonic aka Dennis the Menace (8), BFG Isner (9), Kei Nishikori (10), Richard Gasquet (13) who needed 5 sets to get rid of his opponent, James Duckworth 6-7 6-3 3-6 6-0 6-1. Jerzy Janowicz (15) also needed 5 sets to get past Somdev Dewarman 4-6 6-3 6-3 3-6 6-3. FeFe Lopez (19) who must be super exhausted having played two weeks of tennis coming into this tournament. Lopez won three tiebreaker sets to move through to the 2^nd round. Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) won in straight sets as did Beetlejuice (24). Tommy Robredo (22) won his 1^st round match in 4 sets.

I gotta say that one arm bit looks really cool on Dennis the Menace Raonic

Several players of interest also won today including Nick Kyrgios of Australia (a hottie, if you like that thickish of Greek and Malay heritage) and fellow Aussie Llyeton Hewitt. Gilles Muller who took out Andy Roddick in 2005 1^st round also won as did American Jock Sock, Lukas Kubot, quarterfinalist here last year, Jarrko Nieminen and Mikhail Kukushkin. There were several upsets including unseeded Alejandro Falla who did well on the grass leading up to Wimbledon; he lost in straight sets to Ante Pavic of Croatia. Guillermo Garcia-Lopez (28) lost to Dusan Lajovic in 5 sets; Ivo Karlovic (29) lost in straight sets to Franck Dancevic and Dimitri Tursunov (32) lost to Denis Istomin. So that’s about it for the men’s.

BFG Isner will now be known as the Troll

Oh I just want to point you to a story regarding John Isner aka BFG … (See link below) http://trollandgarros.tumblr.com/post/89253044033/isner-puts-his-white-privilege-on-display-says-the  It is a really good read. See I really have an issue with Isner’s comments. First off, I do not know why or how he felt he had the necessary “credentials” to weigh in on this matter. However, I like the fact that the author of this piece served up some “truth tea detox” Second since I am in FULL agreement … well let me know say full but I am with the author on many of his salient points AND also somewhat dismayed by Isner’s ensuing comments when others tried to enlighten him; I am going to change Isner’s name. From henceforth, BFG which means Big Friendly Giant will just still be “Troll” or perhaps “Mountain Troll” I would really like to hear from you on this matter. I do not understand how people can think “Redskins” is okay to be calling a professional football time. I mean I do not even know why the sport is even called “football” but we not even going to touch that one.

BFG is now a Troll

On the women’s side: The Serenanator (1) is looking good. She had a tough opening service game which took her 10 minutes to complete. She later said that she played well but the girl was hitting some good shots. Anyway, the demons did not come out because the Serenanator was all over Ana Tatishivili as she took her out 6-1 6-2. She had 31 winners of which 16 were aces and 13 unforced errors. Those are some healthy numbers; very very healthy and positive. Hopefully she keeps this up because the road ahead is going to be intense and there can be no letting up of the focus and intensity.

The Serenanator is ready to do battle at Wimbledon

Simona Halep (3) who I swear looks like the Koolaid Juice Jug (I know it is wrong but I swear it is what comes to mind every single time) also had a quick affair on the court. She moved through in straight sets as did Bratzwanska (4), Shriekapova (5) who is supposedly looking good 6-1 6-0 but judging by the numbers, 13 winners, 9 errors, 3 aces and 5 double faults, 43% on 2^nd serve, I am going to say “meh.” This is Shriekapova just handling the Lady planktons with her usual ruthless flair. Carebear Kerber (9) took out lil sis Radwanska in straight sets also. Ivanovic The Terrible (11) was almost in trouble against Francesco Schiabone. However, it seemed as though Schiabone had other ideas in mind than winning the big points. Maybe it was the longer hair or the slight attempt to feminize herself that was mucking up her game. Who knows and who cares? Anyway, Ana won in straight sets. 2013 finalist Sabine Losicki (19) also won in straight sets. The German took out Israeli Julia Glushko 6-2 6-1.

I think Shriekapova is going to a picnic or something with that much bags

Other seeded players who came through include Genie Bouchard (13), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16), Kristopher Flipkens (24) last year’s semifinalist, Cornemort (25) and Klara Koukalova (31) who took out American Taylor Townsend in straight sets 7-5 6-2. Other winners of interest are Jie Zheng, Madison Keys who took out another young hopeful Monica Puig in straight sets, Varvane Lepchenko who dismissed Tsetvana Pironkova (Granny Vee thanks you Lepchenko), Heather Watson of England, Belinda Bencic of Switzerland and Camila Giorgi of Italy.

Bye Gurl Pironkova! Bye!

There were several key upsets on the ladies side biggest of which was Fivehand Jungle Witch Jankovic (7) who was dismantled by Kaia Kanepi, quarterfinalist here last year. Kanepi took care of business 6-3 6-2. Fattychunkova (26) lost in 3 sets to American Alison Riske as did fellow Russian Kuzi Rex (28) who lost to Michelle Larcher De Brito. Roberta Vinci (21) and doubles partner Sara ETranni (14) will be concentrating solely on doubles this Wimbledon as they were both booted out of the singles draw in three sets. Vinci lost to Donna Vekic 4-6 6-4 4-6 and ETranni lost to Caroline Garcia 6-2 6-7 5-7. Sorana Cirstea (29) was also sent packing when she lost to American qualifier Victoria Duval 4-6 6-3 1-6. American Christina McHale was also dismissed.

I was this close to winning the match!

Kuzi-Rex what a disappointment!!

Anyway, that’s all folks … Day 3 action will feature Lochness Monster, Djoker, Granny Vee, GHW Kvitova, Tampomic, Maria’s hangbag Dimitrov, Bratzwanska, Berdshite and many others… So PLEASE check us out. DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT even if just about the pictures…

So Bartoli showed up on Centre Court and she was all teary eye … I too got all teary eye watching this hideous outfit unfold (White and off white lace combination and the necklace #icant)

Now I don’t want to hate but really gurl? Really? Those shoes? I think they are to hide her infamous cankles but still

Even Lisicki is like WTF?? Gurl what happened? Those shoes honey are just You look…you look… you look so plentiful. Eating well in retirement I see”  Meanwhile, what is that stain on the bottom of that “dress” ? Actually, I don’t wanna know

Joao Sousa from Portugal

Martin Klizan, you might be a loser in the 1st round but you’re a winner in our hearts here at Realz… and we have a “special prize” for you

You lost on the tennis court today Daniela but you’re definitely winning in fashion court

Veteran hottie around these parts is looking a bit weathered but he can still get it

We don’t even know his name and we’re not even trying to find out either….What we need to know is where he’s staying

Lisicki looking cute as ever … we’re gonna ignore the snaggletooth

Beetlejuice… gurl.. this is definitely not cute even by your standards

Beetlejuice got himself cornrows … Definitely has not improved his look but to be honest, it doesn’t hurt it either

Of course you we gotta talk about Carlo

Francisco is trying to give us femme realness

I’ve fallen….

And I can’t get up

Gurl, why you acting like a heifer eating the grass? We don’t behave like that at Wimbledon

Don’t you wish you had a sexy coach like me

Tiann, I think Danish Biscuit is saying hello to you …. and she’s being a bit insensitive about the matter

Hewitt is going all out to stay in the game

Mrs. Hewitt keeping tabs on her “investment” This mofo better not get injured again

Is Patrick M going to sing an aria?

He is channeling some soprano realness here

Cornemort had a nose bleed on court … blood magic I say … blood magic!!

Now we have discussed “Gayneisa” here before; where “straight” guys blame their homosexual tendencies on liquor. “I got really wasted with the guys again and then one thing (my pants) lead to another (their pants) and then another (the undies) and next thing you know, his penis was in my mouth and mine was in his. I don’t know why that keep happening. I sobered up and was like Broooo we are never doing this again”

Gaynesia is not to be confused with just being “gay” BIG DIFFERENCE

This is gaynesia. See the different? Good

 Now we have a new Realz term for you: “Gaylusion” this is where straight women cannot seem to see they’re a fag hag. I mean look at this scene. Holla if you believe there is a straight couple in the midst wearing a yellow shirt .. those two girls to the side in those short shorts may have just realized that this just might not be where they need to be at “Gurl, I don’t think any of these guys are our types. Really? Why you say that? Gurl look at the front row, it’s a men’s chorale up in here. Look at that soprano in the green shorts! We need to go.” Lady in the red cap, she definitely knows the dealio. Girls, these boys are strictly dickly! 

Meanwhile, YESSS I finally won a match on grass

Now check out my pocketbook. Isn’t it just FABULOUS

Simona Halep

The Koolaide Jug … enough said

 

Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part III: WTA Pre-Party Event

So each year, before Wimbledon, the WTA has this gala event for the ladies. Now, I am not invited much to my chagrin but that still does not mean that I do not get to see what’s going on. Anyway, the ladies love this event because they get to “dress up” and show up. It is something like the Oscar’s of tennis or something along those lines. Of course, you have some Best Dress! some Worse Dress! and then some WTF is that Dress?? So since you weren’t there either, Realz figured, why got get you some pictures and have you judging for yourself.

Daniela is just giving it all right here! She is living for this moment. Pity her tennis can’t match this effort.. You get an A

Daniela show these itches for it is DONE!!! Gurl you get an A+++++ You killed it right here

I am feeling the dress Belinda, the shoes half way but you could have at least put some make up on your feet. Gurl, it ain’t a cute look. It looks like white gym socks in heels. You get an B-

Sabine, gurl you turned it out here! You not winning tennis titles but you giving Daniela a run for the crown today… SEXY! CLASSY! WERQ!!! A+

Excellent. Young, cute, hip. I think you can do better but it was a nice choice nonetheless Monica. And the hair is werqing for me B+++

Bratzwanska… you look cute but this looks too old for you… I was trying to figure out what I didn’t like about this… you’re 24 I think, you look like a Stepford Wife from Cougar Town. So give your mother this dress and have Daniela H help you with your shopping. You have got an A if you were over 40 but since you’re in your early 20s you can a D for Dress your Age

Oh Martha, I’m gonna need you to fire this stylist right now.. Not a good look… those shoulders gurls… No! You get an D+

Honey what’s going on with those feet? Your feet will be killing you tomorrow for sure… Not cute.. No Im gonna change to a D-

Gurl even from the side it is no better… You looking like the Head Nurse on the Star Trek Enterprise. You need to be beamed off this ship… Actually, your final grade is an F

Meanwhile, Venus wearing something similar to play in this year and it looks way better than Maria’s

Serena really overall, you look good but you’re giving me someone’s naughty mistress about to jet off to a late-night rendez-vous with the trench coat. You can do better. Meanwhile, the bra looks heavenly. M for Mistress

Gurl can you even get past the 4th round of a major anymore? You got jokes. I am coming for your wig Martha!!

Dominika, you might get mad for this… But you look like ShowGirls… and I am talking about the movie here.. #bad #horrible #tacky Straight up F

I am sorry Dominika but Courtney Act wore it better #rupaulsdragrace

Dominika again, this is just tacky…Save this for your fiance and the honeymoon…

And she’s killing it right now!!! And Cibulkova, Courtney Act is a bio boy

Venus I’m gonna need you to do better! Really gurl, you came out in this? No unacceptable at this level B for Basic

Hmmm I see your hand is damage Laura so clearly you didn’t put yourself in it all by yourself. So I am going to need you to fire your handlers because this is abuse of the physically impaired. H for Helpless and Handicap

Ursula came ashore from the Under the Sea. Anastasia Pavy… I swear you wore this just to have me come for you. Gurl, the only thing cute here is the tattoo on your foot. That’s it… everything else.. trash.. I can’t even with that hair.. I am gonna have to give you an X, you need to be Xed outta here Ladies and gents, this is one of the real mysteries of life? Why would you leave your home looking like this and allow yourself to be photographed?

Genie, I am gonna need you to get back into the bottle with this one and stay in there… Everything is all wrong except the hair and then you gone and put your hand in it for a 1980’s look… Honey you weren’t even born in the 80s… CHOP! Bye Gurl… You get an H for Hellz NO

Gurl I don’t even know who you are but what I do know is that that is outfit is a NO GO You get an F

Andrea really gurl? You look like being in a dress is punishment… This look isn’t working for me at all. You made this dress this afternoon? And those shoes… honey… honey.. honey… NO! Give your mother back her shoes. I’m gonna really need you to do better P for Plastic

Vickie I know you have been off for a bit but still, this look isn’t ready. So get back into the car and drive back home and pick something else C-

Li Na or should I say Li HELLZ NA. WTH gurl? You looking like an eggplant and not the fresh kind. P for Produce

Li saw this is the look and thought that her efforts were equal work. If I were Gucci, I would sue..

Clearly this is someone’s first times in heels.. The dress however, belongs to her younger sister… NOPE

Slowe Stephens, you are tardy for this party. You looking like you missed the mark of the Tina Turner LookaLike contest. So you need throw yourself off Mountain High and drown this look river deep. You get a T… for Tired and Tried look

You’re really trying here and Im gonna give you an E for Effort but I don’t like the dress colours. It fits and you’re werqing it but still you can do better! Sorry gurl but I’m gonna have to give you a B for Boring

Soriana I expected better from you… No, looking like some punk rocker’s ex girlfriend… P for Poor

Oh Mischa… see this is why we should all say no to drugs. It addles the brain and we leave the house looking like this and think we’re cute… but gurl this dress needs to be in the garbage chute.

Oh gurl… how about we just wrap you in this shawl alone and call it a day. I am sure it costs more than everything else you’re wearing combined. She is giving me goodwitch, wicked witch of the west and Dorothy with them shoes all in one.

I mean the shoes are killing me!!!

I think Vera D got her grandmother to embroider this for her. It looks like a huge handkerchief made into a dress…So she should throw this snot cloth in the trash… The pattern is cute though..

I mean I don’t want to say it but I mean really, drag queens can do better than this… Not a cute look at all

This is from last year’s even but I couldn’t resist because this is just horrible all year round forever!! Anna K gets an H for HOT MESS Looks like Bethanie recycled this dress to make hers for this year and use the bleeding colours to dye her hair

Oh Bethanie… You’re wearing the hotel’s sheet and gurl that ain’t chic! You get an F

I swear she took this picture just to have me hate on her… I am not going to take the bait…

I will resist the temptation. Not today Satan! Not today!!

I mean come on now… Need I say more other than Fivehead JungleWitch! Why Jelena? Why??

#icant with you Fivehead. You look some high sorceress priestess about to kill someone for sacrifice. Not my blood Vampire Queen

Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part II: The Ladies

So the ladies are set for the major of all the majors, Wimbledon. Very few ladies enjoy this tournament because this is the place where “pushing” and “looping” the ball around do not count. Those pushers and loopers die early out there. You have to have some power in your arsenal as well as deadly kill shots if you intend to do well. Even if you sneak into the final, your opponent will just crush you for days. Ask Vera Zvonavera (2010) and Bratzwanska (2012).  Therefore look for the “big girls” to do well; Serenanator, Shriekapova, Ebony Starr (one is hoping and praying), Losicki, Grand High Witch Kvitova etc etc. They are the ones who if they keep their head cool and their game tight, will be the ones in the final. Anyway, I do not have much to say about the ladies because they haven’t done much of consequence lately.

Last year’s finalists Bartoli and Losicki

Just like the men, the draw of 128 has been broken down into the Top Half (Serenanator and Halep) and the Bottom Half (LiNaLi and Bratzwanska). Each half was then further broken down into Quarters. Again, I am not going to make any real predictions but give a likely scenario and speak of possible interesting matchups. We need not make a fool of ourselves by speaking of prediction because we saw how that turned out last time at the French. I mean seriously, Serenanator lost to Muguruza in the 2^nd round. Venus losing to some Schmediova. Really gurl? Really? By the end of the first week, nearly the entire top 10 was out of the competition. You do not even need to ask but you know I was not handling this Shriekapova victory well at all. I couldn’t deal!

Anyway, the lead up tournaments to Wimbledon were all won by unlikely candidates; Ivanovic the Terrible got her life together and brought Ana to the court to win her first grass court title in Birmingham, Coco Vandeweghe…yeah that Coco Vandeweghe won ‘s-Hertogenbosch which is in Holland I think if I am not mistaken and another American Madison Keys won Eastbourne. These winners are not known for their grass court prowess but it will be interesting to see what happens to them at Wimbledon. Speaking of Wimbledon, unlike for the men, the committee decided not to touch the women’s seedings. The top 32 ranked players were seeded as such. They didn’t even move up Shriekapova (5) or Ebony Starr (30). I mean if you are going to bump up the likes of Andreas Seppi from 34^th in the world to 25^th seed Tabasco Verdasco from 23^rd to 18^th seed and Jerzy Janowicz from 24^th to the 15^th seed then demote Stan W who is 3^rd in the world to 5^th seed and put World’s number one Divadal who won only a single match in 2 years at Wimbledon as the number 2 seed, you might as well apply some of this inane logic to the ladies. I am just saying that Cibulkova doesn’t deserve to be 10^th seed and who are we kidding with LiNaLi being the number 2 seed and D’Stove Stosur as the 17^th seed. Anyway, I digress..

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Serenanator [1] v Shriekapova [5]

So the Serenanator has been having issues at the majors. She has been a mess as of late by her own standards. However, Wimbledon is her favourite place to play and she is looking for her 6^th Wimbledon crown. If she is set her year right, Wimbledon is definitely the place to begin. She has a somewhat tough draw, possibly facing fellow American Christina McHale aka McFail in the 2^nd round, then in the 3^rd round Alize Cornet aka Cornemort (23) who beat her in Dubai semifinal this year and a very hot Genie Bouchard (13) in the Round of 16. Then on top of all of that, she can face Shriekapova (5) in the quarterfinals which would the 10^th anniversary of their meeting in the 2004 final when Shriekapova simply crushed the Serenanator. Ironically, it has been nearly 10 years since Shriekapova last beat the Serenanatnor. Andreas Petkovic (20) is also in this section of the draw as a possible 3^rd round opponent for the American.

As of late S in Serenanator has come to mean, S for Struggle

Things are not so easy for reigning French Open champion Shriekapova either. She not only have to factor in that if she wants to win Wimbledon she will need to solve her Serenanator problem in the quarterfinals but first there is also Anastasia Pavlychenkova (26) aka Fattychunkova or Camila Giorgi in the 3^rd round and Carebear Kerber (9) in the Round of 16. Now these ladies, Fattychunkova, Giorgi and Kerber aren’t really worthy opponents for Shriekapova but they have shown in the past that they can beat her and they will be looking for win here if for nothing else but to shut her up. She has really grown quite full of herself as of late. Shriekapova will be looking for the French Open/Wimbledon double which has not been done on the ladies side since the Serenanator in 2002.

Shriekapova getting that practice in

Quarter 2: Halep [3] v Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic [7]

The 2014 French Open finalist, Halep (3) should have an easy enough time getting to the Round of 16 which she would possibly face the winner of the Ivanovic the Terrible (11) or Sabine Losicki (19) 3^rd round match. Ivanovic the Terrible will have to get past Francesco Schiabone in the 1^st round. Fivehead Jankovic (7) might be facing Halep in the quarters but there is Yaroslava Shvedova lurking in the 2^nd round. There is an interesting 1^st round matchup of Madison Keys v Monica Puig. This is worth watching. This section is about as easy a section as one can be. So watch out for a breakthrough star/unknown to come out of this region.

Halep trying to win her 1st major

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Bratzwanska [4] v Vickie [8]

I am so happy that Vickie is back on the tour. She is a delight to watch and I know she would spare me from some of the silliness I have seen on the tour during her absence. I am happy that she is back. She lost in her first round encounter in Eastbourne last week but I am sure she will get better at this tournament. Last year she had to pull out in the 2^nd round I think due to injury but in 2012 she made the semis and also won an Olympic bronze medal. So she can play on the stuff. She is an unpredictable factor in this section of the draw. She also has to with Garbine Muguruza (27) or Coco Vandeweghe in the 3^rd round and the winner of the 3^rd round matchup of Cibuttkova (10) and Lucie Safarova (23) aka Lady Gollum in the Round of 16.

Vickie is eager to get back on the court of another major

Bratzwanska (4) did not have the French Open that she would have preferred. She didn’t even make it past the 3^rd round if I am not mistaken. She has to deal with Kuzi-Rex (28) in the 3^rd round. Tsvetana Pironkova and Varvarne Lepchenko who play each other in the 1^st round could be a possible 4^th round opponent. There is also Sara Errani (14) in this section of the draw. Alien v Predator (Errani) has to get past France’s Caroline Garcia.

Quarter 4: LiNaLi (2) v GHW Kvitova (6)

GHW showing off her magic works

2011 Champion Kvitova (6) is looking to recapture the magic here. She has been a sorta no-show for most tournaments since that historic win several years ago. She also found herself in scandal when she recently started dating Shark Boy Radek Stapenek. However, she dumped the ugly troll recently and might be more focused on her tennis. Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams (30) is in this section of the draw and could face Kvitova in the 3^rd round. Seriously, Venus is capable of getting to the finals. HONESTLY she can do this. However, we are talking about Venus here and relying on her to do good things is like quitting your job and banking on winning the lottery to support yourself. #foolish #uttermadness. Nonetheless, on a personal note, I feel this is my best option right now in life since I am unemployed. So do not count Venus out. Slowe Stephens (18) who has shown a propensity to play well at majors is also in this section of the draw. However, she has Maria Krazilenko in the 1^st round. This might be a tough draw for the American especially since Krazilenko, 2012 quarterfinalist, can really play on this stuff.

This is Venus’s look for this year’s Wimbledon… I am a mehh for this one. Not the best but certainly not the worst

The sisters are playing doubles this year

LiNaLi should make the quarters; emphasis on SHOULD. This section is not loaded as other sections. There are Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16) and Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) lurking about in these parts. Neither player has shown herself to be competent on grass. Albeit that LiNaLi isn’t known for her fine play on grass. However, Danish Biscuit and D’Stove have “somewhat tough” opening round matches. Danish Biscuit plays Shahar Peer and D’Stove plays Yanina Wickmayer.

LiNaLi is trying to create some energy behind her name here at Wimbledon. She has basically flatlined since Melbourne

Can someone tell me why Judy Murray is outside in pjs.

This concludes the ladies’ draw. Now who do you think will emerge as champion and why? Comment below!

I know many of you might not think the Preview’s are Realz’s usual realzness. However, there is a Part III looking at the WTA cocktail event. Be sure to tune in.

Australian Open 2014: Day 3

CLT+ALT+DEL

Hey Fanz I am so sorry that this posting is coming to you at about the time that Day 4 is set to begin at the Australian Open. Well technically, Day 4 has already begun. I was having extreme technical difficulties. I just found out that the hard drive on my laptop is damaged and that I will loose everything that is on it. This is a bummer and a half. I do not know much about computers. Needless to say that I am hot like the weather in Australia. The only good thing is that the computer is still under warranty. My desktop was not working so well but that was a simple easier fix. So I can post this and the others hopefully.

I think someone is literally being barbequed right now

To the tennis: MY GOD IT IS HOT DOWN UNDER. Everyone is complaining about the heat. I mean we all know that it is hot in Australia at this time but now it is RIDONCULOUS. #Globalwarmingmuch The on court temperatures are hotter than outside temperatures and players are burning up…and not in the good way. It is mainly survival tennis at this time…ie if they can survive the heat to play tennis..

Shade… I must get to the shade…

But let’s get to the results.

It was a semi-tough day out there for the Chinese but she is through to the 3rd round

LiNaLi won her matchup in sorta convincing fashion. LiNaLi won the 1st set in bagel fashion but struggled in the 2nd as Belinda Bencic started to play for real now. However, get valiant effort didn’t pay off as she lost in the tiebreaker. The Swiss is one of the younglings to keep an eye on for the future. The Serenanator was far more routine in her victory 6-1 6-2. Sam D’Stove Stosur is finding her game in Australia again these days as she took out the ever dangerous Pironkova in straight sets 6-2 6-0. Pironkova however had a broken crotch and was clearly hampered by this. Nonetheless, D’Stove will take the win. I believe she’ll face Ana the Terrible for a place in the Round of 16 where the winner will face the Serenanator if current form holds true.

I am ready for these itches…BRING IT ON

Several seeded players lost their way to the 3rd round. Lisicki (15) didn’t get the rest of the game plan for the 2nd and 3rd sets from Hingis as after winning the 1st set 6-2 over Niculescu, she basically didn’t even know her way to Sesame Street. Lisicki had a blonde moment that lasted the rest of the match. Meanwhile, Niculescu seized the moment to hold serve and fried up a two piece combo meal for Lisicki. Niculescu 2-6 6-2 6-2
Casey Dellacqua gave Australia much to smile about as she trashed 18th seed Kristen Flipkens 6-3 6-0.

Lisicki in the 1st set!

Losicki after the 2nd and 3rd sets

Most of the other seeded players came through for the 3rd round including Carebear Kerber (9),Ana the Terrible (14) Makarova (22), Safarova (26) aka Lady Gollum, Flavia Penne Pasta (28),Eugenie Bouchard (30) and Daniela Hepburnova (31) who won 12-10 in the 3rd set.

Eugenie Bouchard of Canada… honey you bought that outfit from a moose in Saskatchewan?

One would think that with all these gay fans, she would not be committing these fashion atrocities… But I guess that’s how they roll in Canada

Other notable winners included Americans Laura Davis who dismissed Julia Goerges in 3 sets, Alison Riske who handed out unlimited breadsticks to Yanina Wickmayer 6-1 6-1, Moaning Mona Barthel who is benefitting from the ousting of Petra Kvitova. Jie Zheng former semifinalist here in 2010 also won with a 3 set victory over American Madison Keys.

Djoker is all business with his easy bake oven draw

I’m sorry but Boris Becker looks like an overexuberant butch lesbian soccer mom

On the men’s side Djoker Harlequeen isn’t wasting time on court as he dismissed his opponent on convincing fashion 6-0 6-4 6-4. Berdshite also won in straight sets. Fiery Ferrer needed 4 sets to get through the 3rd round. He’s randomly dropping sets these days so look for and early round lost from the Spaniard. I don’t see him getting to the latter stages of this major. Sam Querry aka the Grinch took out the 23rd seed Ernst Gulbis in straight sets. I hope no one was betting on Gulbis because he’s never sure money unless you’re betting on his opponent. Gulbis ever remains that enigma. I was actually surprised that he was seeded here and so high. Nonetheless, very good of Sam to try to salvage American mens tennis. They need all the big wins they can get.

The Grinch is trying to steal his way into the latter stages of a major

There were two other seeded players who got dispersed but wasn’t really make losses. Youzhny (14) lost to Florian Mayer in 5 sets. I expected more from the Russian but I forgot he’s Russian and meltdown is inevitable. His compatriot 30th seed Dmitry Tursunov fell to Denis Istomin in 4 sets. Istomin is a dangerous floater so watch him. Ivan Dodig (32) had to retire in the 4th set.

I hope you aall didn’t forget about me

Things are so bad with Davydenko these days, he got himself a tan.

Despite this, most of the other seeded players played their parts to the hilt and were able to move through to play another day. Gasquet (9) came through in straight sets over Nikolay Davydenko. I expected at least 4 sets from this match but Gasquet is playing smart tennis these days at majors. Good of him. High time now he produces the top level tennis we all hoped he would give. Pity he came win a major unless a plague hits the draw. However he’s not the only one praying for the locusts to fly, Fabio Fognini (15), Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19), Jerzy Janowicz (20), Jeremy Chardy (29) all hope that God would send the floods again to wash the top 6 away because the Red Sea will part again before they win a major whilst the top 6 are alive and well in the draw. They can barely win regular tour tournaments much more hoist a major trophy. When was the last time one of the top 6 didn’t win the master level trophy? Probably like 2011 and that was just one person I think.

Florian Mayer working himself through to the 3rd round

Anyway in regards to that much anticipated showdown between Matthew Ebden and Vasek Pospisil (28) Pospisil won of course in 4 sets giving the Aussie a breadstick to wave to the crowd in the 4th set 3-6 7-6 7-6 6-1 what a waste!

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this posting despite it’s late arrival….

She might not be pretty in pink but she sure is powerful! You know a woman is doing it and doing it right when she got her man carrying the purse! ReRe that lil pouchette is killing me

I thought Stella was improving… simple, clean, effective and cute

Then I saw this mess…

Stella needs to STOP!!! Why can’t I get a real endorsement deal and be spared from this garbage??

Berdshite is a soccer player now?? I mean seriously H&M can’t you do better than this

Kuzi, I don’t know what got into you and the stars but I need for you to night night to this hideous dress… NO BUENO

Checkmate!! Move this piece off the board IMMEDIATELY

Keep staring at the wall… You are on punishment for that skirt!!

Hot head!!

My ears are melting!

Sleepytime

What had happened? What you mean it is not nap time??

WTF?? His teeth matches his shirt! I know times are changing and tennis all about colours but we can at least keep our teeth white to pay hommage… that’s just FOUL..

Monica…this face is not okay!! You are scaring the children!!

The best thing about Andy Murray is Daniel Vallverdu

I think so too… he is delish!!

Djoker is showing his “treasure chest”

I am not impressed

Berdshite showing off the clean smooth look

Hmmm I might want a taste of some of that but…

I think I am sexy and I hope you think so too

It’s okay but still

A Brazilian and a Spaniard combo

YES now this is what I am talking about… I am definitely get behind this kinda meal combo

Huh?? What are you doing? I told you, it is my wrist that’s hurting

YEAHHHHHHHH TAKE IT LIKE A MAN… TAKE IT I see gaynesia about to happen in 5, 4, 3, 2…

I’m trying…

Hey Realz, I am talking to you… Stop saying shit about my man Lleyton. Yes I did done stole him from Kim but that’s none of your business. She was flexible is true but my mouth made up for it in bed and Lleyton chose me. I will not tolerate any more smack about him. I will hunt you down like a dog if you say one more thing about him. You have been warned!

Australian Open 2014: Day 1

Let me in!! Let me in!!

Now that Day 1 is over, I do not think that any of the results came as a HUGE surprise. I mean there were upsets and of course disappointments but all in all, the results mostly reflected what has been trending for a while.

On the ladies, side, the Serenanator (1) wasted little time dispatching her Aussie opponent as she in barely an hour, took the match 6-2 6-1. Ashleigh Barty had some good shots here and there but it was not enough to stop the American.

I know you are ready for your opponents ReRe but I am not ready for this outfit! BURN IT!!!

LiNaLi (4) also looked impressive as she dumped her opponent 6-2 6-0. The 9th seed, Kerber had a lil problem with Jarmila Gajdosova but came through in 3 sets 6-3 0-6 6-2. Ivanovic the Terrible (14) came through comfortably in straight sets as did Sabine Lisicki (15) Monica Niculescu, Tsetvana Pironkova, Moaning Mona Barthel, Yanina Wickmayer and Monica Puig. 18th seed Kristen Flipkens took out British Laura Robson 6-3 6-0. Robson needs to get her life together if she wants to make a decent living on the tour and not be another Anne Keothavong. Meanwhile, Robson’s countrywoman Heather Watson also lost though she made her match a bit more competitive v Daniela Hanthucova (31) 5-7 6-3 3-6.

LiNaLi showing off that sliced backhand

Some interesting results on the ladies side…. Well first off you know I am smarting because Venus Williams set me up again!! I can’t with this woman. She was bossing Ekaterina Makarova (22) around for a set and a half 6-2 4-4 but all of sudden, Venus double faulted 3 times in a row to hand the game and basically the set to Makarova. In the 3rd set, Venus was up 3-0! Then she lost the next 6 of 7 games. I was beside myself. She was playing so well. The groundstrokes were popping and she was moving forward. However, she just decided to hurt my feelings and mess up my entire evening. Makarova moves to the 2nd round having taken out another Williams Sister 2-6 6-4 6-4.

Venus angst!!!

Makarova is making it a habit of taking out Williamses in Australia

There were several other interesting results: Like I said of Petra Kvitova, she is going into fast decline and that showed up in her lost to Luksika Kimkhum (I wish I were making up this name). Kvitova (6) got bounced 2-6 6-1 6-4 to some unknown Thai player. She was not the only top seed to said bye bye to Melbourne, the doubles team of Roberta Vinci (12) and Sara Errani (7) were both dismissed from the singles event. Vinci going down in straights to former semifinalist Jie Zheng and Errani leaving thanks to Julia Goerges.

Wearing pepto bismal pink, playing like diarrhea, game and ranking slipping and dating Stepanek. Yes, Stepanek curse in full effect

I see boobs but I am not sure… this is very feMALE indeed

Of course I was very excited when I saw the draw and it was Kvitova I was playing. She is still dating Stepanek right? So I knew I had more than a shot! I had a winning shot

I should also mention that Stosur avenged her recent lost to Klara Zakopalova by beating her in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Also Granny Goodness Date-Krumm lost to perhaps the youngest girl in the field Belinda Bencic of Switzerland in straight sets.

Thank you very much for coming. Nice warm up

On the men’s side, things were more routine. Ferrer (3) and Djoker Harlequeen (2) wasted no time getting rid of their opponents in straight sets. There is no point in sticking around on court for more time than you need to. Stan Wawrinka (8) got even less time when his opponent reitred in the 2nd set. Fabio Fognini (15) also benefitted from a retirement when Alex Bogomolov went out injured. Bershite (7) also is through in straight sets as well as Richard Gasquet (9), Mikhail Youzhny (14), Jeremy Chardy (29) and Dmitri Tursanov (30).

Oh wait she is not one of the guys…

Jerzy Janowicz (20) perhaps love work because he was out there for 5 sets for no apparent reason but he is through to the 2nd round. Other 5 set winners include Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19) Julian Benneteau and Nikolay Davydenko.

Glittering Gulbis

Munchable Monaco

23rd seed Ernest Gulbis beat Juan Monaco in 4 sets. This is a sad result because they are both such PHYNE specimen but Monaco has not been so well since the break up with a certain top Diva. That Gulbis is even seeded and Monaco is not, shows how much the Argentine is hurting from that dismissal. Marcos Baghdatis, known for his on court heroics, had a major fail in front of this very Cypriot crowd when Uzbekistani Denis Istomin knocked him out in straight sets and did so in fine style. Ivan Dodig (32) knocked out monster server Ivo Karlovic in straight sets also.

Divadal was only fcuking with your head. You know that. Realz loves you not Divadal!

Tomorrow, both bottom halves will be playing and we are set to see Divadal, Mr. Federer, Lochness Monster, Baby Ali, Beetlejuice, Vickie, Fivehead Jungle Witch, Bratzwanska and Shriekapova all on court.

Let us take a break and just watch

Don’t forget to spread the word about REALZTENISFANZ!!!

Venus I do not even know what to say about this head!!! ratchet!!

Robson you look like someone’s runaway bridesmaid. WTF is this dress about??

I need to get me a sip of Andreas Seppi indeed

Oh Patty Rafter… you’re turning into Fatty Rafter these days

Spanish Armada!!… At least part of the fleet

I am best amongst my fellow menz

Did someone fart?? I am smelling shite….Oh Hey Tomic…..

So you gonna come by my room later right. I will leave the door open

Mister, I can see your penis and that’s not okay at this time

They say I was going to get groupies but I didn’t want these old bitches..