Wimbledon 2014: Day 1

What do you mean we can’t get in? WTF??

Well Wimbledon 2014 started without any major news aka gossip to spread beforehand. Everything seemed to be perfect other than the fact that there were more tickets for Day 1 than there were places available. People had to be turned away from the grounds. Or so they said. Anyway, let us get right to the results because I am pressed for time. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO CHECK OUT http://www.ubitennis.com/english/?refresh_ce AND http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/  for a more realistic coverage. However, never forget to stay tuned to RealzTenisFanz for your coverage. We’re on TWITTER and FACEBOOK too. PLEASE COMMENT BELOW and provide feedback.

So the men’s

Lochness Monster is looking to continue his winning ways at Wimbledon

Lochness Monster (3) who was first up on Centre Court, won his opening round match against the lil Goblin David Goffin 6-1 6-4 7-5. The Goblin can be a lil tricky but Nessie handled him efficiently. Clearly Nessie is under a lot of pressure to do well in his home tournament since he hired a Frenchwoman, Amelie Mauresmo to help him deal with his lack of major major success. You do realize that Nessie has been the last 3 “Wimbledon” finals (2 majors and 1 Olympic) So homegurl is really looking to extend this trend. Anyway, Djoker Harlequeen (1) was feeling himself as he totally dismantled Andrey Golubev 6-0 6-1 6-4. Golubev nearly went down 6-0 6-0 but spurred on by the crowds was able to win himself 5 games to make it a respectable scoreline.

Djoker isn’t trying to muck around. He has not won a major since 2013 Aussie Open and lost 4 of the last 4 major finals. NO BUENO. He is coming for this Wimbledon crown

Berdshite (6) overcame a slow start against Victor Hanescu to move through to the 2^nd round 6-7 6-1 6-3 6-2. Of the 153 total points Berdshite won in the match, 75 of them were winners. That’s staggering as that is nearly 50% of his points. Excellent job. Will be interesting to see if the bird brain can keep this up. Anyway, Fake Fire Ferrer (7) also won in 4 sets over fellow Spaniard Pable Carreno-Busta 6-0 6-7 6-1 6-1. Sharapova’s clutch Dimitrov (11) won in straight sets over American Ryan Harrison 7-6 6-3 6-2. A pair of Russians, Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Andrey Kuznetsov, former Wimbledon Junior champion, took out a pair of young British hopefuls, Jamie Ward and Daniel Evans respectively. Youzhny won in straights 6-2 6-2 6-1 and Kuznetsov in 4 sets 6-1 7-5 3-6 7-6.

Are you calling me a douche? No I am calling you Goonie Gulbis

Other seeded players who won include Ernest Goonie Gulbis (12) in 3 tough sets over Jurgen Zopp, Fabio “Mr. Pignini” Fognini (16) over American Alex Kuznetsov in 5 sets, Kevin Anderson (20), BWLLAGWLLAB Dolgopolov (21) and Chin Cilic (26). Baby Ali Tsonga (14) has to complete his match against Jurgen Meltdown. They are locked in the 5^th set. Tsonga looked to have this match on lockdown as he won the 1^st set 6-1 and had early break points in the 2^nd set. However, he lost his way and soon found himself down 1-2 sets. He found his way and took the 4^th set and now they are in a 5^th set. Tsonga up 5-4 and will serve for the match when play resumes.

I need to come back tomorrow?? WTF??

Other notable winners were Roberto Bautista-Agut who won last week’s grass court warmup in Holland, Benjamin Becker who took out American hopeful Donald Young in straight sets 6-4 6-3 6-4, Shark Boy Stepanek who will take on Djoker in the 2^nd round, Marcos Fatdatis who dismissed Dustin Brown aka Dreddy Tennis aka the man who beat Divadal at Halle two weeks ago. Hottie Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem fizzled out as he was knocked by another youngster, Austrialian qualifier Luke Saville in 4 sets. Fellow Aussie Bernard Tampomic is also through to the 2^nd round. The man who beat Mr. Federer last year in the 2^nd round, Ukrainian Sergei Stakhovsky won in straight sets over Carlos Berloq 6-3 6-3 6-3. Not to worry Mr. Federer’s fanz, Stakhovsky is on the other side of the draw far far far away from Mr. Federer. They can only meet in the final and we all know that is very unlikely to happen. Frenchmen Gilles Simon and Jeremy Chardy are also through to the 2^nd round.

Tabasco Verdasco played like ketchup today

By way of upsets, we have Tabasco Verdasco (18) going out to the likes of Marinko Matosevic 4-6 6-4 4-6 2-6. Matosevic is the douche who had this to say about Lochness Monster hiring Mauresmo as his coach “It’s all equal rights these days. Got to be politically correct. So, yeah, someone has to give it a go. I couldn’t do it, though, since I don’t think that highly of the women’s game.” I really expected Verdasco to shut this fool up with a straight sets beatdown but I guess way too much gel in his hair addled his brains or something. Andreas Seppi (25) also went out in 5 sets to Leonardo Mayer 3-6 6-2 6-4 6-7 4-6. Vasek Pospisil (31) was sent packing by Robin Haase in 4 sets. Well these are not real upsets… I guess I should really say, seeded players got “dispersed” and no one really cares.

I wasn’t ready!!!

The Ladies,

Kvitova giving me Grand High Witch face

Things were far more routine on the ladies’s side. LiNaLi (2) of course complicated her life against a qualifier but she pulled through in the end in straight sets 7-5 6-2 over Paula Kania. GHW Kvitova (6) also came through in straight sets over Andrea Hlavakova 6-3 6-0. Other straight sets winners included Vickie (8) 6-3 7-5 over Marijana Lucic-Baroni, Dominika Cibuttkova (10), Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta (12), Lady Gollum Safarova (23) over Julia Georges 7-6 7-6, Elena Vesnina (32), Moaning Mona Barthel and Bjona Jovanovski. I have to say again that I am happy at Vickie is back. However, that serve of hers will be the death of her. She was a mess out there today against Lucic-Baroni. She is lucky that girl…well woman since Lucic-Baroni is 32 was not someone of a higher ranking because they would have been all over those measly serves.

Vickie is back in her pum pum shorts

Granny Vee who just turned 34 last week won her match in 3 sets and before people get on her case saying that she was being messy, I have to say that she was actually playing some decent tennis. Her stats were on point: she got 65% of her 1^st serves in, winning 89% of the points (41/46) and 64% on the 2^nd serve. She was up at net 20 times and won the point 18 of those times. She was 3/3 on break points with 41 winners including 11 aces and 16 errors. I mean those are some healthy numbers. Usually those are some ridiculous numbers like 1/8 on break points etc etc. Hopefully she keeps this up. And speaking of grandmothers, Granny Goodness Date Krumm was coasting against Ekaterina Makarova (22) but then got lost. She was up 5-0 in the 1^st set but could not close it out initially. She won the set 6-3. She dropped the 2^nd 4-6 and was up 2-0 in the 3^rd but unable to maintain the lead. Makarove took the match 3-6 6-4 7-5 and sent Granny Goodness home.

This ugly Spanish itch was trying to come for me!!

I mean seriously Granny Goodness is looking sexy out here… but that knee needs to be replaced

By way of upsets, we have Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) and Slowe Stephens (18). They were both ousted today to provide the tournament’s first upsets. D’Stove has yet to figure out the courts of Wimbledon despite nearly all pundits saying that her game is suited for the grass. She was knocked out in straight sets but Yanina Wickmayer 6-3 6-4. Slowe Stephens who has made decent runs in the draw at the last 6 majors was dismissed by Maria Kirilenko 6-2 7-6. This should not be of no real surprise since Stephens plays pretty poorly on tour. She was expecting her luck to carry her through to the latter stages but it was not to be the case this yr. Another upset came in the form of Coco Vandeweghe who recently won the grass court warm up tournament in Holland. She took out Garbine Muguruza (27) Serena Slayer at the French Open. Muguruza was dismissed from Wimbledon 3-6 6-3 5-7. And speaking of upsets… well more so upset stomach, Vania King aka Sailor Moon aka Saw Clown. This gurl was up 5-0 in the 1^st set only to lose then next….wait for it… the next 12 games to be down 5-7 0-5. She by the grace of God no less took the next three games but unable to deny her opponent Yvonne Meusburger the win 7-5 6-3.

You best take off those sunglasses and try to find yourself a backhand gurl

WTF is happening? This is a major. I don’t lose in the 1st round…

Well that is it for the notable winners on Day 1. Do note that four women’s matches scheduled for today were not completed: Bratzwanska (4), Danish Biscuit (16), Alien v Predator Errani (14) and Kuzi-Rex (28) all have to finish up tomorrow. Tomorrow will also see Divadal, Serenanator, Mr. Federer, the conclusion of Baby Ali’s match, Radwanska matches etc etc.. Hope you enjoyed this posting…

BIG PICTURE SHOW

Definitely some of the Hottest pictures we have had on RealzTenisFanz ever..

Even Berdshite is surprised he looks so good

Wait Realz you were talking about my hair…
No I was talking about the weave not your hair..

Venus giving us Ebony Starr Goddess here!

Look at this Ginger cookie.. I want to eat every crumb

And his name is Cox I swear!!

His name is Pospisil but I like to call him Popsicle.. and we know why..

Firey Ferrer at his best

In a certain light and made pliable with some liquor.. Jurgen Meltdown could definitely get it

Andreas Seppi… would love a sip of this fine Italian win

Pablo Carrena-Busta… I mean the nose aside… he could definitely get it

Robin Haase is a YES

Russian Evgeny Donskoy I mean come on… how can we not say DA to this

He’s a lil frustrated man but definitely a hottie

I don’t know what that finger is for but it is certainly not for number 1 ranked tennis player. Anyway, as always Vickie is a HOTTIE and a lil tongue action, what more can a boy who is into girls want

Kirilenko is serving up fish!! AMAZING

Look at Granny Goodness.. she looks really amazing

Moaning Mona, what is your excuse

She looks like a carrot that has been eaten by a horse..

I must end on Mr. Federer of course

Meanwhile Shaq is as lost as ever..

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 1

Let me in!! Let me in!!

Now that Day 1 is over, I do not think that any of the results came as a HUGE surprise. I mean there were upsets and of course disappointments but all in all, the results mostly reflected what has been trending for a while.

On the ladies, side, the Serenanator (1) wasted little time dispatching her Aussie opponent as she in barely an hour, took the match 6-2 6-1. Ashleigh Barty had some good shots here and there but it was not enough to stop the American.

I know you are ready for your opponents ReRe but I am not ready for this outfit! BURN IT!!!

LiNaLi (4) also looked impressive as she dumped her opponent 6-2 6-0. The 9th seed, Kerber had a lil problem with Jarmila Gajdosova but came through in 3 sets 6-3 0-6 6-2. Ivanovic the Terrible (14) came through comfortably in straight sets as did Sabine Lisicki (15) Monica Niculescu, Tsetvana Pironkova, Moaning Mona Barthel, Yanina Wickmayer and Monica Puig. 18th seed Kristen Flipkens took out British Laura Robson 6-3 6-0. Robson needs to get her life together if she wants to make a decent living on the tour and not be another Anne Keothavong. Meanwhile, Robson’s countrywoman Heather Watson also lost though she made her match a bit more competitive v Daniela Hanthucova (31) 5-7 6-3 3-6.

LiNaLi showing off that sliced backhand

Some interesting results on the ladies side…. Well first off you know I am smarting because Venus Williams set me up again!! I can’t with this woman. She was bossing Ekaterina Makarova (22) around for a set and a half 6-2 4-4 but all of sudden, Venus double faulted 3 times in a row to hand the game and basically the set to Makarova. In the 3rd set, Venus was up 3-0! Then she lost the next 6 of 7 games. I was beside myself. She was playing so well. The groundstrokes were popping and she was moving forward. However, she just decided to hurt my feelings and mess up my entire evening. Makarova moves to the 2nd round having taken out another Williams Sister 2-6 6-4 6-4.

Venus angst!!!

Makarova is making it a habit of taking out Williamses in Australia

There were several other interesting results: Like I said of Petra Kvitova, she is going into fast decline and that showed up in her lost to Luksika Kimkhum (I wish I were making up this name). Kvitova (6) got bounced 2-6 6-1 6-4 to some unknown Thai player. She was not the only top seed to said bye bye to Melbourne, the doubles team of Roberta Vinci (12) and Sara Errani (7) were both dismissed from the singles event. Vinci going down in straights to former semifinalist Jie Zheng and Errani leaving thanks to Julia Goerges.

Wearing pepto bismal pink, playing like diarrhea, game and ranking slipping and dating Stepanek. Yes, Stepanek curse in full effect

I see boobs but I am not sure… this is very feMALE indeed

Of course I was very excited when I saw the draw and it was Kvitova I was playing. She is still dating Stepanek right? So I knew I had more than a shot! I had a winning shot

I should also mention that Stosur avenged her recent lost to Klara Zakopalova by beating her in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Also Granny Goodness Date-Krumm lost to perhaps the youngest girl in the field Belinda Bencic of Switzerland in straight sets.

Thank you very much for coming. Nice warm up

On the men’s side, things were more routine. Ferrer (3) and Djoker Harlequeen (2) wasted no time getting rid of their opponents in straight sets. There is no point in sticking around on court for more time than you need to. Stan Wawrinka (8) got even less time when his opponent reitred in the 2nd set. Fabio Fognini (15) also benefitted from a retirement when Alex Bogomolov went out injured. Bershite (7) also is through in straight sets as well as Richard Gasquet (9), Mikhail Youzhny (14), Jeremy Chardy (29) and Dmitri Tursanov (30).

Oh wait she is not one of the guys…

Jerzy Janowicz (20) perhaps love work because he was out there for 5 sets for no apparent reason but he is through to the 2nd round. Other 5 set winners include Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19) Julian Benneteau and Nikolay Davydenko.

Glittering Gulbis

Munchable Monaco

23rd seed Ernest Gulbis beat Juan Monaco in 4 sets. This is a sad result because they are both such PHYNE specimen but Monaco has not been so well since the break up with a certain top Diva. That Gulbis is even seeded and Monaco is not, shows how much the Argentine is hurting from that dismissal. Marcos Baghdatis, known for his on court heroics, had a major fail in front of this very Cypriot crowd when Uzbekistani Denis Istomin knocked him out in straight sets and did so in fine style. Ivan Dodig (32) knocked out monster server Ivo Karlovic in straight sets also.

Divadal was only fcuking with your head. You know that. Realz loves you not Divadal!

Tomorrow, both bottom halves will be playing and we are set to see Divadal, Mr. Federer, Lochness Monster, Baby Ali, Beetlejuice, Vickie, Fivehead Jungle Witch, Bratzwanska and Shriekapova all on court.

Let us take a break and just watch

Don’t forget to spread the word about REALZTENISFANZ!!!

Venus I do not even know what to say about this head!!! ratchet!!

Robson you look like someone’s runaway bridesmaid. WTF is this dress about??

I need to get me a sip of Andreas Seppi indeed

Oh Patty Rafter… you’re turning into Fatty Rafter these days

Spanish Armada!!… At least part of the fleet

I am best amongst my fellow menz

Did someone fart?? I am smelling shite….Oh Hey Tomic…..

So you gonna come by my room later right. I will leave the door open

Mister, I can see your penis and that’s not okay at this time

They say I was going to get groupies but I didn’t want these old bitches..

Australian Open 2014

Every major, when I’m trying to rearrange my life to get in as much tennis in as possible, I always contemplate whether to post a preview bit. Now mind you, all the major publications do so in an effort to drum up some interest and frankly so that they can talk. However, with the current state of both the men and women’s tours, matters have long been decided. For the past three years now, it’s been the same gang at the top. There’s nothing new to say. I am sure the same notes from the preview to the French, Wimbledon and the US Open 2012 and 2013 will apply for this Australian Open 2014. I dare someone to say otherwise.

However, I figured that RealzTenisFanz cannot be so far out of the main stream though we are hardly the type of prestigious publication to follow trends blindly. Nonetheless, I figured why not revive the blog for 2014 with a lil something for the Fanz.

From Realz!!

While we are on this subject Fanz, I think 2014 will see us going on quite a bit so I want to thank you all for your continued support. Happy New Tennis Year ! I know many of you are dying to tell about your Christmas and New Years affairs. However, we aren’t here for that. We will get into personal gossips later on. Furthermore, our lives aren’t nearly as interesting as the pro players so we will ignore our mundane madness for the sake of their more scintillating sagas.

So let us have the realz score on this one now

But let us not digress…. Wait, I’m not sure if I actually confirmed this but I regret to inform you that it’s really true that Petra Kvitova and Radek Stepanek are in fact a couple. I don’t think my brain has fully grasp this ugly concept. In fact whenever I think of them as a couple, my mind’s defense system kicks in and automatically blurs Shark Boy’s face.

Homewrecker??? Nicole and Radek on their wedding day. Right, Petra in her version of a black dress

PeekaBoos!!

Can’t deal with that much beastliness in one thought. I know people will label Petra a homewrecker seeing as Shark Boy is still married to former top ten Nicole Vaidisova. However, in my humble opinion, it was a hideous home. It ain’t for looks or charms so it has to be he drops his shorts and you silly school of girls just lose your bloody minds as well as your panties.

Wait what do you mean I have to share you??

This was Petra’s old boo but she don’t want no small fry anymore… she’s looking for big fish

So Nickie girl, you get yourself some new dick though I am guessing that Shark Boy is hung like a sperm whale because too many decent looking girls are getting bitten by this predator. I bet he be munching on their seabed like it the last plankton in all of the Red Sea. Sushi is on the menu girls and you are the catch of the day! Ladies I advised you all to invest in a decent toy and if not get yourself a good “buddy” with ironclad contractual terms, safe play because no one deserves to be caught up in the cult that is Radek Stepanek. He’ll kill your joy and your career. Ask Martina Hingis and Nicole. At this point in Petra’s career, she doesn’t know where she’s going but most certainly sure that she’s coming and coming very regular. So I guess I should be happy for her?

And she found it with Shark Boy

To the real tennis newz :

Divadal before his make up!

On the men’s side, the number one seed, Rafael Nadal aka Lord Clay aka Divadal aka Lord Clay and hardcourt Divadal (She lost only two clay court matches last year and didn’t lose on hardcourt whilst picking up his 8th French Open title and 2nd US Open crown), has a draw of death. It’s just traps all over the place. First off he has to deal with Bernard Tampomic and frankly I know the Spanish Diva is going to handle this mess in 3 straight kleenex sets but no one wants to deal with the Aussie crowds fully supporting their man and the added misfortunes of having to endure Bernard’s on court bullshit. You know this latent case is going to be showing her dirty knickers all over the place when those Divadal forehands be coming from all corners of the court. It’s going to be a mess I’m sure of it.

Yeah I am a douche… so what?? Am I the biggest douche down under?? Hmmm

No I am the biggest douche down under

What’s even worst for the number one seed is that he has to deal with not one Aussie Asshole but two; Lleyton Hewitt is also on this section. Hewitt’s career got a resurrection of sorts when he beat Mr. Federer in Brisbane last week in 3 sets. So look out this possible 4th round clash.

I am ready for all these douche bags. Bring them on!!

Wait did you say Xisca is coming on court?? I need to get out of her.

Beetlejuice is lurking for Divadal in this section for a possible 3rd round match up that’s if Beetlejuice shows up in Melbourne to play tennis and not to pay clown.  Divadal has to also contend with Beast Boy who is definitely poised this year to make some real major noise again. Del Potro wants another major and he will get it soon enough in my humble and often awesome opinion. But all in all its unlikely he is losing early unless Rosol and Darcis had a baby together.

I don’t know which Beetlejuice will show up

Ahh the maladies of Murray have already begun and he hasn’t even played a match yet

On the other side of the top half is Lochness Monster who has had a rather dismal year since winning Wimbledon last year. This creature might be stumbling since his magical 2012. Murray has been featured in three Aussie Open finals now I think and winning a total of 1 set of the ten that he played. I’m sure he thinks that the 4th time is the charm. However you know this is of no concern to me because Mr. Federer (6) is in this quarter and that’s my main man. However, Mr. Federer has two French men in his realm, Baby Ali et Chicken leg Simon. They both come lethal and with historic wins over the greatest thing since slice in my tennis world.

I don’t know what is going on with me anymore. I am going senile on the tennis courts it seems.

The Scotsman has to deal with the likes of BFG John Isner and Chin Cilic. This is just tough half all over. Just potential problems all over the place for everyone. No match is an easy round.

Despite all this, I think Divadal is coming through this half. Mr Federer might get to the semis but he doesn’t have the stamina to deal with the hard court beast that is Divadal plus Mr. Federer has far more pressing issues before he gets to semis…. And that’s if he even gets there. My man is no longer a safe bet especially as the 6th seed. He’s working with Stefan Edberg but I’m not sure this will help. Federer needs a nutritionist to help him gain muscle mass. No Bueno! I almost forgot the gossip, Mirka is pregnant again. I couldn’t really tell because she always look with child. However, Mr. Federer made the announcement on Facebook and I have to take his word for it on these matters.

Mommy and granny holding the girls… possibly brother(s) on the way??

David Ferrer’s quarter…. Is this even a legitimate expression? However the numbers don’t lie, he’s the 3rd ranked player and gets his own section. However this prize hasn’t brought him much gifts because he has to deal with a lot of bigger men, Tommy Haas Mikhail Youzhny, Tomasz Berdshite and Jerzy Janowicz. It’s going to be tough and of course he has the 3 time defending champion Djoker Harlequeen on his side.

I am gonna be passing out some chocolate because I have a sweet sweet draw

Now I have seen easy bake oven draws in the past but I think this quarter for Novak is a new model where we might as well had just give Novak byes all the way to the finals or at least the semis to make it interesting. There’s no one in this section to trouble the man. No one! Ernst Gulbis? Richard Gasquet? Marcos Baghdatis? Ain’t he married? This must be sketch comedy because I know Djoker is laughing his ass off. The only possible hiccup is Stan Wawrinka and we all know how messy this girl can be. She got handled at the US Open and that must still be hurting.

Anyway, I think Divadal and Djoker are the two contenders here though I do not look forward to a possible finals between these two as I would like to not waste 7 hours of my life with these two for one of them to finally take the title.

It is just me, myself and I out there. No one comes close to me.

On the ladies’ draw I mean what more can one say other than the Serenantor (1) is here to win this title and try yet again for the one thing that her career does not have: a true Grand Slam. She is going for it this year full steam ahead. She is not going to let herself be deterred. Every year since 2010 she is becoming more and more mentally focused and her hard work is paying off. Since that ugly defeat in 2012 at the French Open, she has been looking stupendous. Her shots are cleaner, crisper and she is staying in shape. No one has seen this kinda of focus from Serena for a long time…if not ever. It seems that everything is looking up for her now. However, we all know it is at these times when she looks unstoppable, she then lets her bad self get in the way and implodes on court. Hopefully, this sorta thing is not going to happen because I think Serena has worked hard enough and deserves the calender slam. I would also really like to see her in the 20s with major titles. She is really that good of a player!!

Yeah you forgot about me??

Yeah there are competitors to consider, Vickie (2), Maria (3) and LiNaLi (4) but do they even stand a chance? I mean Vickie is the ONLY one who does not get routine bagels and/or breadsticks from the American. Vickie can play the Serenanator but when it comes to the final stages of the match where fitness is a factor, Serena has her younger adversary beat. Maria simply does not possess the skill set to deal with Serena. I don’t think she ever will. And also her biggest problem is trying to stay positive throughout the match. It is very difficult to do as she is constantly trying to figure out what kinda diet is Serena working on that day. Is she carb counting and thus handing out bagels and breadsticks sets or is she on a gluten free diet and feels more generous in allowing an extra game here or there. Look at any of the matches these two play. Serena is almost breaking Maria at will and dispensing baked goods to the Russian like a Pillsbury. However, I would admit that last match a week ago, Maria got to a tiebreaker. However, I think Serena was just trying to be generous..Happy New Year’s Gurl….Here’s a Christmas gift; a respectable scoreline.

Now why you had to go bring up my record against the Serenanator again for?

Anyway these two can only meet in the finals. Maria and Vickie are on the same half (bottom) of the draw and Serena has to contend with LiNaLi on her half (top). Will be interesting to see what the new year brings for Li and her Cheating Coach Carlos. Serena’s quarter is rather tricky as she has some ticklish players lurking about like Tsetvana Pironkova who just won her first WTA title beating Petra Kvitova GHW (she had penis on the brain) along the way. There is also the huge serving Eugenie Bouchard (30) of Canada, tenacious Jie Zheng, Ana Ivanovic (14) the Terrible and also Sara Errani (7) but really and truly we are not exactly counting her in the mix. Serena eats Sara for a light snack. There is also local home hopeful Sam Stosur who has beaten the American twice at the majors in key matches. However, Sam does not have a great record in her home country but she won several matches this past week so this might be a turn around for her.

Do we know which LiNaLi will be on court or will Carlos continue to signal to her telling her know who she should be?

LiNaLi (4) also has a tricky set of client with GHW Kvitova (6) aka Mistress Stepanek, Sabine Lisicki (15) who it seems is now working with Martina Hingis (I don’t know why this woman just won’t go away and stay there. Can’t she find more men to beat up? She really does not contribute much to game at this time. She is fighting so hard to be relevant but she barely has a point except on pencil. And she should just erase herself with the other end. She was a great student of the game but hardly is she selfless enough to be a decent teacher.) Carebear Kerber (9) is also around in these parts. I almost forgot to mention that resident veteran Venus Williams is also on board at this Open. She will open her campaign against crazy lefty Ekaterina Makarova (22) who has been known as a very dangerous floater. She has some good scalps in her career including Serena and 5th seed here Radwanska. So Makarova is not to be dismissed lightly.

You don’t worry about my draw and/or drawers okay. Just how I like it… easy, breezy

Sometimes when I look at Maria’s draw at majors, I often wonder if the committees are confused about the concept of “draw” It might be that they are thinking more “drawers” than “draw” because Maria always getting some easy sexy cute draws. There is absolutely no one of consequence in her section of the draw. Not one. You know who Maria is opening up against, Bethanie Mattek-Sands and one noted sports writer claimed Carlo Suarez-Navarro is the dark horse pick and figured she will get to the semis. I think he means, she is going to buy a ticket to watch the match. Most certainly she is not going to be winning 5 singles matches and earn her place. I mean seriously now? Dark Horse pick… This is more likely a Black Unicorn pick. So because of this it means that Jelena Jankovic aka Fivehead Jungle Witch (8) v Maria really going to be the big matchup of this section. I would rather vomit.

I hope you all didn’t forget about me now

Vickie has a relatively okay section with several of her favourite punching bags Slaone Stephens (13), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (10) and off course her best pigeon Agniezska Radwanska (5). Vickie couldn’t ask for a better route to the semis.

All in all I don’t think she is retaining her title this year. This is the Serenanator’s title for the taking.

FASHION FORWARD???

Serena gurl, you need to better cage that tiger of yours… I can see claws coming out…

Vee gurl… WTF with that weave…We need to hook you up….that front is a hotmess

Apparently LiNaLi moonlights as a clown after hours.

It is not great but it is not bad and for Maria, this is all good

This is very good from Sabine

Who knew the German was also a succubus?

Daniela showing all the itches how you step it up! Gorgeous! Giving them Farrah Fawcett hair tease realness!!! YES M’AM

Apparently, men and women went to different functions because David look like he just got off from practice. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Even with ugly New Balances, the ratty t-shirt and the buzz cut, this Spanish flame is still burning hot

US Open 2013: Day 7

Lindsay and Martina getting prime seating for the chick fight on court between Serena and Sloane. I have to say Lindsay, Martina looks way better than you post retirement. Why? And don’t say kids.

The matchup of the day that everyone was talking about was the Sloane/Serena match up. For reasons already discussed in previous posting, this was the one they all wanted to see. The Serenanator lost to Sloane at a major and everyone feel that Sloane is one to really stand up to her fellow American and meet her toe to toe. I on the underhand do not see things in this manner. I think the press is making this to be way more than it is. The Serenanator is playing it smart and considerate by not playing into the media hype. The American media is famous for killing its own and the Serenanator is down playing every angle there is to play so as to avoid any extra controversy between the two. Tennis is the only thing that needs to be the focus.

ReRe we got your back! This itch tries anything funny out here, it is on and popping. Lyn got something special for her @$$ under the jacket if she says another word about you.

Anyway during the actual match, the Serenanator came out sharp though not in her usual blistering pace because truth be told Sloane can play. I saw Sloane back in 2009 if I am not mistaken when she was about 16 at the Madison Square Garden and to look at this player now is remarkable. She has improved quite well and will soon be in the top 10 I am sure and very well be contending for major titles. Anyway, the Serenanator showed her tennis prowess because at the end of the day, it is who wins the match that matters. 6-4 6-1 was the scoreline in favour of the more senior American.

Thank you Jehovah! I didn’t have to choke a itch out here today! Amen

Perhaps this is a lesson in humility for the younger American but at the end of the day, she should realize that the Serenanator is not her target nor should she be her focus. Sloane performed terribly at regular tournaments this year but seemingly made up for it at majors getting to at least the Round of 16 for all 4. Nonetheless, crucial points/experience could be had if she play those “smaller” tournaments better. Hopefully, she sees the value of this.

What had happened??

The other three Round of 16 match ups provided much drama and fanfare. First up, Carla Suarez-Navarro v Angelique Kerber. This was really a matchup of players I hardly care about. However, both have considerable talents and it is nice to see players like this do well at majors. Carla in particular though she is on my shit list for knocking out Venus at the 2009 Aussie Open, has a very nice one handed backhand. I am not trying to be a hater or mean here but it is just about the prettiest thing about her out on court. I do not understand why this girl is not more put together on the professional tour. She looks like a street urchin and her languid style/demeanour do not help matters. She comes across as a poor unfortunate orphan. Every time I see her, I want to just give her a hug. She could so do with some feminine touches. She really should not wear skirts as they are most unflattering. She could do well with some nice shorts and a nice pair of ladies tennis shoes and can someone from the Spanish Federation get this girl some braces. That overbite is way past over. She really need better deportment out on court. Anyway, she took out Kerber in 3 sets. Truth be told, she was playing the better brand of tennis throughout the match but Suarez-Navarro really was not aggressive in the early stages of the match. I suspect this is what has her circling the lower end of the top 20 rankings when she is good enough to be closer to the top 10.

This look is not okay…Spain needs to fix this situation pronto

The other two Round of 16 matches that were played were the real surprises of the day. LiNaLi took on Jelena Jankovic and to be honest, I expected it to be a close matchup; at the very least, it was bound to go to 3 sets. However, I was wrong, LiNaLi though looking very shaky, won quite comfortably in the end. China’s number 1 player knocked out the Serb 6-3 6-0. And JJ has been growing in confidence as of late and really trying to move up in the rankings. Though I am sure this result would help, it would definitely not improve her mindset about the game.

WTF?? I lost the match? Really? So quickly?

In the other matchup, Aga Radwanska took on Ekaterina Makarova. This match was hilarious. Funny thing was that in her first 3 matches, Radwanska had the 1^st match up. However, for her 4^th round encounter, she was the last scheduled match and because of longer matches, she was one of the last to take the court. Nonetheless, she had a most brilliant start. She was blistering the Russian. If you have ever seen Aga played, you would know that she capitalizes on her opponents’ errors. She moves the ball around the court has an almost infinite supply of shot selections. But she is not a power player and other than her deft touch, she does not have a killer shot. Therefore, the more skilled ladies such the Serenanator and Vickie munch on her like she is a rice cake. Anyway, we digress. Aga got out to a 4-0 led as though she had some place to be Sunday night and needed this match to be over.

I think some of the peroxide got into her brains and short circuited her it

However, Makarova got herself together. Makarova is very dangerous floater especially at the majors and Sunday night, she proved just how crafty she can be with that lefty swing. She literally reeled off 8 straight games against the Pole. It was though Makarova had hacked into Aga’s brain and corrupting every file. Makarova was on every ball. Aga did not know where to put her ball. She could not get a winner to save her life. Every lead that she had, quickly evaporated.  Therefore, that lead of 4-0 that she had soon became 4-6 0-2. She finally got her life together to take the next three games but again Makarova was back in her mainframe. Makarova would not let Aga breathe and she too came back to take the next three games. Aga was able to win another game to only be down 4-5 but that gave Makarova the chance to serve for the match and she certainly did not waste this opportunity. The 23^rd seed Russian just thoroughly dismissed the 3^rd seed 6-4 6-4.

I laugh at them when they say Radwanska can win a major

I know some people think that Aga deserves to win a major but I do not agree. Majors are not charity events and sports is not a religious institution. If you want to win something, you have to win it. Aga simply does not possess the game to progress far at the US Open. She might get lucky one day to get pass the 4^th round; something she has yet to do. However, I assure you her opponent will pick her off with ease and get ahead of her. She is very “crafty” but we are not playing country club tennis; this is the WTA and big hitters are the ones rising to the top.

5	N. Li	6	6
9	J. Jankovic	3	0
1	S. Williams	6	6
15	S. Stephens	4	1
8	C. Suarez-Navarro	4	6	7
18	A. Kerber	6	3	6
24	E. Makarova	6	6
3	A. Radwanska	4	4

Title defense in full effect

On the men’s side, Djoker and Murray had very easy time against their opponents. Murray took care of business in straight sets 7-6 6-2 6-2 over Florian Mayer whereas Djoker just trashed Jaoa Sousa 6-0 6-2 6-2. Sousa only won those last two games of the match because Djoker was in some sorta giving mood because that final set bagel was very much there for the toasting. Berdych, 2012 semifinalist here, also took care of his opponent in easy fashion. He knocked out the veteran Frenchman Benneteau in straight sets dropping just 5 games and buttered a nice warm bagel for Julian in the opening set 6-0 6-3 6-2. Lytton Hewitt continued his good fortunes at this year’s US Open as he made it to the Round of 16 with a victory over some unheard of Russian in 4 sets.

Thanks for showing up for practice. I really appreciate it

The day also had some very interesting men’s encounters. Swiss Stanislas Wawrinka who has for years trying to establish himself as a real contender and perhaps an heir apparent to the great Mr. Federer, knocked out the very enigmatic Marcos Baghdatis in 4 sets. Wawrinka gave himself a 2 sets lead but Baghdatis is a fighter and took the 3^rd in a tiebreaker. The 4^th set also proved to be a tough one but Wawrinka was able to pull that one also in a tiebreaker after failing to serve it out up 5-4. Wawrinka 6-3 6-2 6-7 7-6. Mikhail Youzhny of Russia had to contend with another veteran of the tour, Tommy Haas  but Youzhny has had good results here at the Open and looked to continue such fortunes. He took the first 2 sets before Haas came back in the 3^rd. However, in the end, Haas just did not have the legs to stand up against the Russian and bowed out in 4 sets. 6-3 6-2 2-6 6-3 Youzhny.

I can recommend this really great diet. I used it for myself

In the other two matches, it was a matter of pride per se. Tim Smyczek was fighting to be the lone American male to get into the 4^th Round of a major. All of his compatriots had been bounced and he needed this for his country. However, it was not to be. He had his chances but failed to capitalize. He dropped the 1^st set to Marcel Granollers 3-6 but took the next two in convincing fashion 6-4 6-0. However, I think he got a bit ahead of himself. I really wish male players would realize that being up 2-1 means that in the 4^th set, you have to put the pedal to the metal and take it in 4 sets. Putting yourself in a 5^th set situation gets far too complicated. Smyczek learned this lesson the hard way. Spanish players are grinders and they have stamina beyond belief as they all mostly learn to play the game on slow clay courts. Granollers snatched up that 4^th set 6-3 and despite Smyczek being up 4-1 in the 5^th set, he won only 1 more game as the Spaniard took the next 6 of 7 games to get to his 1^st Round of 16 at a major I think if not at the US Open. 6-4 4-6 0-6 6-3 7-5 Granollers. With Smyczek’s loss, it means that in 2013, NOT ONE AMERICAN MAN MADE IT PAST THE 3RD ROUND OF ANY OF THE MAJORS. NOT ONE. The USTA really needs to get their shite together. This is ridiculous.

Tim Symczek looking up the heavens for a game plan. None came

The last match was up Denis Istomin v Andreas Seppi. Seppi it seems loves to play 5 setters but this time, he was not able to get the upper hand. He was down 0-2 sets but took the 3^rd and 4^th sets with relative ease. However in the decisive set, he ran out of steam and Istomin just pounced handing him a breadstick. Istomin 6-3 6-4 2-6 3-6 6-1.

1	N. Djokovic	6	6	6
	J. Sousa	0	2	2
	T. Smyczek	4	6	6	3	5
	M. Granollers	6	4	0	6	7
12	T. Haas	3	2	6	3
21	M. Youzhny	6	6	2	6
	E. Donskoy	3	6	6	1
	L. Hewitt	6	7	3	6
20	A. Seppi	3	4	6	6	1
	D. Istomin	6	6	2	3	6
3	A. Murray	7	6	6
	F. Mayer	6	2	2
5	T. Berdych	6	6	6
31	J. Benneteau	0	3	2
9	S. Wawrinka	6	6	6	7
	M. Baghdatis	3	2	7	6

He might not look like he’s in shape but he sure is playing well shaped tennis

Next time you say shite about me, I will end your life. You best believe that that will be happening

I am dressed to kill

That’s right gurl, it is all about drinking champagne

Don’t they make a sweet couple

Two of the corniest people I don’t know. Andy Murray and Ben Stiller

Where do these twinks be coming from?

I thought Petra Kvitova got knocked out

US Open 2013: Day 3

The rains ruled the day on Day 3 of the US Open 2013

So it’s raining… what to do? Get a drink

 

Oh what a day! My head is still reeling from yesterday’s events. I am not even sure how to deal fully. Venus Ebony Starr Williams, you have done it yet again. You have inexplicably pulled me into your matches and have my emotions run high. Every single time I promise myself that I would get wrapped up into your matches because I know how much I get worked up afterwards. Yet I still go all in. You know, truth be told, Venus, you are not the crackhead, it is I. I am an addict and I am addicted to you and the pain/torture of watching your matches. Needless to say fanz that Venus lost yesterday to the likes of Jie Zheng 3-6 6-2 6-7 (7). I do not care what people want to say about how Jie Zheng got to two major semifinals (Australian Open 2009 and Wimbledon 2010 if I am not mistaken) The thing is that Zheng barely makes a squeak on the WTA tour and then all of sudden she is always trying to muck up the Serenanator and Venus Williams’ plans. I think what made yesterday’s loss even more difficult was the fact that Venus kept trying to stay alive  but in the end gave away the match with two careless errors. It was bad…real bad.

 

Oh Venus… you slay me every time

 

Anyone who has followed this blog knows how much drama Venus Williams has caused Realz. On this blog forum, she has been buried, resurrected, renamed, I think shunned and at some point redeemed. It is tough being a Venus Williams fan. Very very tough. She never makes anything easy. I understand about the disease and everything, however, for her fans, what we see out on court is really a lack of effort. Maybe things might be hurting but we do not care. We want Venus to do well and to do doing well, very well. Honestly, I cannot be too mad at Venus. Actually, as I am writing this now, I am already over her lost. This is sports. Venus is a wounded animal and all her opponents know this. They already feel that they have a 65% shot of winning the match anyway and with Venus’s ability to hit errors/double faults/wayward shots in quick and repeated succession, their winning chances increase to almost 80%.

With that 6 heads of yours, you couldn’t come up with a way to win that match? SMH

However, when I get into these dark places (and I mean dark dark places in my mind. You do not know how I was going in on Venus last night in my head. I was ripping her new one; the hair, the nails, the clothes. I didn’t hold back) with Venus Williams, I go back to time when I was calmer and more rational. I remember when in 2010, she lost to Kim in the semis and my ensuing reaction to write the following. This was a year before it was announced that she had Sjogren’s Syndrome. I think much of what is being said below here still applies. And since 2010, Venus has done a lot to be proud of.

A pixie took out a giant

In Act 4, Scene 1 of the opera Aida by Giuseppe Verdi, Amneris, the Egyptian princess, is at world’s end. She has just lost her best friend Aida whose whereabouts are unknown and the man that she loves, Radames, former head of the Egyptian guards, awaits death for committing treason. Radames adamantly rejects Amneris’s offer for clemency as he refuses to renounce his love for Aida and marry Amneris. As Radames walks away in the clutches of priests to his pending execution, Amneris realized that all is lost and sinks to the ground…..She laments “Ohimè! Morir mi sento” (Oh how I feel like dying)  By Saturday evening, I almost sank to the floor of my apartment and felt very much the same way as Amneris. My pain was so great; my thoughts reverted to Italian opera verse. Roger Federer and Venus Williams, my picks to win the single titles, did not make it out of the semifinals. They both went the distance but came up short.

Venus Ebony Starr Williams has done me in once more. Yes, I have referred to her by her given name. I know not what else to do. After winning the first set 6-4, Venus was down in the second set 3-5. Mommie Dearest served for the set but was broken by the ever-resilient Venus. For those who are familiar with the Williams sisters, they know that they are made of Teflon and are the type of fighters you want on your side during a battle. They seemingly never gave up. There was joy in my heart. Venus leveled the set at 5-5 and held serve again whilst Mommie Dearest did so as well. They moved to a tiebreaker. My heart caught a fire for I know Venus is often fabulous in tiebreakers. She would never let this opportunity to close out the match in straight sets be wasted. I almost fell off the treadmill, as Venus did not win a single point on her serve. How could this be? The woman with the fastest serves on tour, double faults as if it were the object of the game.

She lost the second set. I figured that she would make it back. There was no way she would give up this opportunity easily but alas, I was wrong, as I have been all year long about Venus Williams. She lost the third set 4-6 after getting broken early in the set, breaking back to even things at 4-4 games and getting broken again. It was not so much so that she lost the match that nearly killed me but it is the fact that Venus failed to show any of the tools she had employed in her winning the previous 11 sets of tennis she played. Her serve was on, the forehand was on, she was coming to net, her second serve was not vulnerable and her deadly backhand was as solid as ever. Her killer instinct was on full displayed as she was not being rattled by the crowd or an inexplicable loose service game. Yet in the last two sets against Kim on Friday, she simply went away.  

Where is the resilience and strength of the Venus of old who saved 11 match points against Jennifer Capriati? Where is she? It was heart breaking to see Mommie Dearest be on her way for a third US Open title at the expense of Venus. EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE HAS WON THIS TITLE, VENUS HAS HAD KIM ON THE ROPES ONLY TO RELINQUISH HER HOLD. It is simply devastating to continue to watch. I tried to be brave in the end and watch the match but I almost had my chest cracked open as the 110 barbell nearly slipped out of my hand as I was bench pressing. I do not know what else to say about Venus.

This lost caused sheer panic and hysteria for Venus Williams Fans. One fan, Mr. Brown, a faithful subscriber to this publication went onto Venus Williams’ facebook page and lambasted her. He stated that she should retire, go play doubles and get a sports psychiatrist to deal with her mental crackish ways. However, I have had much time and trauma to think about the enigma that is Venus Williams and I have to say that I am now at peace with the situation. The problem is that fans of Venus Williams live vicariously through her more so than they do other tennis players. See, backing Venus Williams is not some trivial gesture or some effort to always be on the winning side but it is a wholehearted commitment. Venus Williams represents the awkwardness and triumphs of all her fans.

Here you have a 6’1” skinny black girl from the “projects” making it big. Now, this Cinderella story is hardly one that I decry but understand that the attraction to Venus Williams is not a mere love for rags to riches. See Venus is that awkward stage all of us experienced throughout school…always being teased for standing out because of physical attributes…always being told you do not measure up to the accepted standard….never fitting in…never being allowed to fit in or be included. Yet, she rose above all of that to become top tennis player, triple Olympic gold medalist, 7 time major champion, entrepreneur, fashionista, activist, and philanthropist. Venus Williams makes the case for dancing to a different beat even though others think you look stupid. And where are the boys and girls who were hating on her in the past…who knows and who cares, unless they are the one serving at the local DMV. Fans adore the manner in which Venus carries herself across the court….there is a certain strut, poise, elegance, command of attention as if to say, “I am here now…deal with it.”

For her fanz, Venus Williams is not the ultimate rags to riches story but the ultimate ugly duckling turning to the beautiful swan. (Now don’t get all technical on me saying that an ugly duckling cannot grow up to be a swan as they are two different species. I bet many of you never thought of that) This comparison can easily be applicable to Serena but somehow, one can never see Serena as ever being shy. No it is Venus who appears more vulnerable, requiring more care and thus elicits more sympathy and admiration from her fanz. In the story of the Ugly Duckling, the narrator never tells us what happens after this wonderful transfiguration (a duckling to swan is no mere transformation, it has to be a transfiguration and Professor McGonagal is in on it [Harry Potter reference])but we are left to assume that everything is happily ever after.

However, we know too well that in real life that no such thing exists. The fans of Venus Williams are experiencing the life after the transfiguration. They have come to expect sheer brilliance from the Swan each and every time she takes to the “pond.” They would accept nothing short of this for her triumphs are their triumphs and conversely, her failures are their failures. What is more devastating for her fans is the fact that Venus is apparently very complacent with her “poor performances” For the fans this is the ultimate slap in the face for they feel almost personally insulted. People lose matches everyday and it not possible for her to win every time she plays, but her fans expect nothing but victory. Never has Venus lost a match and her fans accept it as a mere lost. For them her losses are epic, disastrous and should not have happened in the first place.

Leontyne Price, the great and glorious American opera singer, once commented about her fans. She said (I am paraphrasing here) that the voice is such a unique thing, individualized to us all. It is such a wonderful thing as well that it causes certain emotions and reactions unique to each person and as such, people may claim “ownership” of sorts to another voice. So strong is this sense of ownership that people are personally affronted if “the voice” that they hold in high regard does anything which is not to their liking. It is this same sense of proprietorship that Venus Williams fanz has and it is what has driven us to sheer madness and emotional lows.

However, in retrospect, there is much to be proud about with Venus. She has been on the tour since 1994/1995 and still at the top of her game. She made it to the US Open semifinals and was very much in the thick of things without any match play since early July at Wimbledon. She has kept  her nose clean…there are no scandalous photos or tapes of Ms. Williams around…she has not been involved in any sort of drugs and despite all the injuries she has suffered, she is soldiers on for the sport of tennis. Yet we are disappointed when she does not win. She made it to the Round of 16 or better in every tournament she played this year….as a matter of fact, other than the French Open where she lost in the Round of 16, she has made the quarterfinals or better and she did it all being an old gal at 29/30. Serena, Kim, Maria, Justine, Carolina cannot make this boast. So perhaps we should not be so harsh on Venus anymore. Perhaps we need to make her life not our perspiration but our inspiration. We should not act as if it is us who is out on court working each point (I assure you watching her matches, I feel every single stroke, points won and/or lost) but use it to fuel us towards our own pursuit of excellence.

I know people talk about the fact that she has not won a major outside of Wimbledon since 2001…but Nadal has 9 majors, five of which are from the French….NO ONE GETS IN HIS FACE about that. As for Kim, all the potential she has, she has only won at the US Open and she has choked at so many majors, they are too numerous to count. Therefore, we here at RTFN would like to resurrect Venus Williams…bring her back from the dead…reinstate her true name and wish her continued success on the tour as long as she wishes to play. (I know it is mighty big of me but I tell you, I have ran out of hateration for her so I might as well show some love.)

 

Anyway, we shall move on to other news. The rain seriously affected play and this is why I think the US Open should really adopt the French Open policy of play on the 1st Sunday. This way, all 1st round matches would be wrapped up by the end of Tuesday’s play. Now today is the 4th day and ladies’ 2nd round matches yet to be completed and Men’s matches have not started. Andy Murray was slated on Ashe to play is 1st round match on Wednesday night. WTF?? Anywho, I guess we might as well deal with the other ladies matches. Of course because of the rain, most of the matches were not completed. Aga Radwanska made easy work of her opponent as did LiNaLi. The results were as followed:

Slaone Stephens was just sticking… as in breadsticking it to Urszula Radwanska… she could barely see straight

Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (32) def. Ashleigh Barty 6-4, 6-0;
Li Na (5) def. Sofia Arvidsson 6-1, 6-1;
Carla Suarez Navarro (18) def. CoCo Vandeweghe 6-3, 6-4;
Agnieszka Radwanska (3) def. Maria-Teresa Torro-Flor 6-0, 7-5;
Laura Robson (30) def. Caroline Garcia 6-4, 7-6 (5);
Zheng Jie def. Venus Williams 6-3, 2-6, 7-6 (5).
Sloane Stephens (15) def. Urszula Radwanska 6-1 6-1

LiNaLi is looking quite confident at these championships

On the men’s side, I think all of the 1st round matches were completed. There were no real surprises were for that matter expect I guess from two Americans. That Rajeev Ram (who I think is perhaps one of the most unprettiest man on tour….I am not being a real hater here) beat Fabio Fognini, the 16th seed, in straight sets and in such a convincing manner was totally unexpected. It was a breadstick and two two-piece meals. The other American was James Blake. Now James Blake is set to retire after this US Open. To be honest, I have not always been a great fan of his. I met him once and thought he was kinda cocky and rather cold. That is okay. However, the thing was that his on court antics were very much brattish at times. I know he has been plagued with injuries but for the most part, he, I felt, was very lazy. He became that typical American male player with that sense of unjustified entitlement. He had a lot to learn if he wanted to really succeed and he learnt very little. Also he grew up in a tennis era when the likes of Mr. Federer, Divadal, Djoker and Lochness Monster are/were at their peak.  So he is not the only player who has not had major success. Anyway, James was up 2 sets on Ivo Karlovic and then lost the match. WTF? WTMFF?? In the final two sets, they played tiebreakers and James only won 4 points altogether. Come on James!!

Goodbye James, I am not sure if you would be missed. Meanwhile, Mary-Jo what the hell are you wearing?

Meanwhile, 3rd seed Lochness Monster knocked out Michael Llodra 6-2 6-4 6-3 and begins his title defense. In other results:

Marcos Baghdatis def. Go Soeda 6-4, 6-3, 6-1;
Alexandr Dolgopolov def. David Goffin 6-2, 6-4, 6-4;
Kevin Anderson (17) def. Daniel Brands 7-5, 4-6, 6-2, 6-3;
Mikhail Youzhny (21) def. Nicolas Mahut 6-4, 6-4, 7-6 (4);
Somdev Devvarman def. Lukas Lacko 4-6, 6-1, 6-2, 4-6, 6-4;
Tim Smyczek def. James Duckworth 3-6, 6-2, 6-4, 6-1;
Andreas Seppi (20) def. Xavier Malisse 6-3, 3-6, 7-5, 7-5;
Peter Gojowczyk def. Igor Sijsling 7-6 (7), 2-6, 6-4, 6-1;
Juan Martin del Potro (6) def. Guillermo Garcia-Lopez 6-3, 6-7 (5), 6-4, 7-6 (7);
Lleyton Hewitt def. Brian Baker 6-3, 4-6, 6-3, 6-4;
Stanislas Wawrinka (9) def. Radek Stepanek 7-6 (2), 6-3, 6-2;
Evgeny Donskoy def. Jurgen Melzer (29) 7-5, 6-3, 7-6 (3);
Leonardo Mayer def. Victor Hanescu 7-6 (4), 6-4, 3-6, 7-6 (4);
Marcel Granollers def. Jurgen Zopp 6-1, 3-6, 1-6, 6-3, 6-4;
Rajeev Ram def. Fabio Fognini (16) 6-1, 6-2, 6-2.

Juan Martin Del Potro is my dark horse to win this if Mr. Federer cannot

Look who is back and lurking around in these parts… Marcos Fatdatis

As I look out the window right now, the sky is overcasted with those grey smoggy looking clouds so I am not sure how much play might get on its way today. Anyway, I hope you all have enjoyed this entry. Do not forget to COMMENT PLEASE (Good, bad and ugly. Just not offensive/racist/illogical) and SPREAD the word.

Utter nonsense!

I do not understand why the USTA do not invest in tarp to cover the courts when it rains. I mean this is ridiculous. It will cut down the drying time significantly and get play on its way quicker

Oh lookie, it’s Lochness Monster. The tennis bag looks cool. (I am trying to accentuate his positives)

What did you say Judy? I said stop hogging the camera you gold digging trifling tart.

I think Dani’ Lochness Monster’s hitting partner is kinda cute and he can definitely get it BUT it won’t work out because I do not like his employer

Can we just look at this one more time? I mean I swear this skirt is a one of Red Foo’s boxers that she removed the crotch.

Yes, go up further…the cramp is definitely further up…. yeahhhhhh that feels real nice.

 

French Open 2013: Le jour 4

Day 4 was an action packed day and I am happy to report that the French Open is back on schedule. There were a lot of matches on court and they all were completed without the advent of any rain delays. I know that this entry is going to come late (but I really had to sleep). Sometimes I forget how intensive all this blogging is and when one does not have a lot of time, it is even more difficult as life happens.

The Serenanator is all fired up for this championships.

On the ladies draw: Both Vickie and the Serenanator looked impressive in their matches. Vickie was playing her 1^st round match and will play her 2^nd round tomorrow. The Serenanator had a 3 day layoff and now that she has withdrawn from the doubles, she has more time on her hand. I have to say that their asking for a wildcard and then withdrawing is not so cool to me. I know that Venus has back issues but their acceptance of the card and subsequent withdrawal, barred another team for getting the spot and consequently prize money. Many have felt that the Serenanator should not have attempted to play doubles because of how precarious her play can be at the French Open. Nonetheless, this is what happened. I only hope that she stays the course for her 2^nd French Open title.

GHW Kvitova. I don’t think Czech girls have eyebrows

Other winners include much of the usual suspects: Petra Kvitova who seemed her usual inconsistent self against Rezai; Petra won in 3 sets. However, her serve was all over the place, giving away vital points with double faults. It was almost guaranteed that she would double fault in every service game. Ivanovic the Terrible also won but it was a very comfortable match in straight sets. I do not even think she got broken, which is impressive by her usual batty standard. Bratzwanska won in straight sets as did Errani who is looking really serious about defending her points from last year. She has buzzed through the draw thus far. Carebear Kerber won as did Roberta Vinci, Maria Krazilenko (12), Sabine Losicki (32), Kuzi-Rex, Carlo Suarez-Navarro (20), Soriana Cirstea (26) and Virginie Razzano (Happy to see her get to the 3^rd round of a major). Americans Varvara Lepchenko and Jamie Hampton are also through to the 3^rd round with Hampton causing an upset over the 25^th seed Lucie Safarova (former Ms. Berdych). Hampton won 9-7 in the 3^rd.

See Safarova, also from Czech Republic not sporting any eyebrows

Martina Hingis’ new charge Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (19) lost her match to Petra Cetkovska, which really should not come as a surprise as she has been struggling through this tournament. Truth be told, she started the year well getting to the final of Sydney I think (My stat fanz Chong just informed me that it was the final of Brisbane. Thanks!) losing to the Serenanator but since then, she has faded significantly and has yet to find herself again. The 23^rd seed, Klara Zakopalova lost to Kaia Kanepi. If I am not mistaken, Kanepi made it through to the Round of 16 or quarters in last year French finals. So she has a lot of points to defend. Good of her to repeat her success.

I am dejected!!! This cookie is crumbling

And while we are on the subject of upsets, one cannot forget to mention that the 10^th seed, Danish Biscuit got crumbled by Bojana Jovanovski of Serbia in straight sets 6-7 3-6. This has not been a good clay court season for the Dane; as a matter of fact, it has not been a good season at all. She is struggling to win matches and as a result, most tennis viewers are raining hateration on her. I for one am not a fan of Caroline but I am not a hater either. I know she does not possess a multi-dimensional/highly effective game. However, one has to respect what did several years ago, rising to Number one in the world. You have to give her credit for that. I know a lot of people decry the ranking system as Wozniacki finished the two consecutive years as Number 1 without winning a major. However, it is not her fault that the others could not find their game or themselves or be injury free in order to bolster their claim at the top. Wozniacki got to the top rank through hard work and winning matches. Anyway, I am glad Bojana got a quality win because I really think that she has massive potential. She is kinda Batty but in her 2^nd round match, she was on it. Hopefully she keeps up this level of play.

Bojana Jovanovski

Gilles Simon.. in Swan Clay… showing off his flexibility in this nice arabesque position

On the men’s side of the draw, the Frenchmen continue to made good of the home court advantage as Baby Ali Tsonga (6), Beetlejuice Monfils (wild card), Beautiful Benoit Paire (24), Benneteau (30), Gilles Simon (15) et Jeremy Chardy (25) all advanced and for the most part, quite comfortable too. Mr. Federer had little resistance in his match as he dished out a two-piece and 2 breadsticks to his opponent 6-2 6-1 6-1. Fiery Ferrer looked at ease in his match as he took out his opponent in straight sets. His journeyman of a countryman Tommy Robredo (32) is really trying to get his tennis life back together. Seeming down for the count, Robredo overcame a 0-2 sets deficit to win his match in 5. Both he and Ferrer will join FeFe Lopez and 11^th seed Almagro in the next round.

No need for caption!

20^th seed Andreas Seppi of Italy won his match in 5 sets and will be in the next round with his 5 set victory. Seppi is looking to recapture some of the good form he had last year. American Sam Querry aka The Grinch, the 18^th seed, is in the 2^nd round. Marin Chin Cilic moved on as did Victor Troicki and 23^rd seed Kevin Anderson of South Africa.

Hopefully this good weather keeps up and play does not get back up at the French.

 REALZ PICTURE SHOW

Almagro. Not outstandingly beautiful but he just sorta grows on you

Ernest Gulbis, a tall Latvian drink of water

Yes, it Ivanovic The Terrible. She is an attractive girl nonetheless

Andreas Seppi of Italy. Oh how I would love to be sipping on this all day

I mean he is a little heavyhanded on the spray tan but that can wash off. Nonetheless, he is all hotness

Chin Cilic. We gotta work on the eyebrows but he’s HOT

My Baby Ali surely knows how to use his tongue

Fiery Ferrer is definitely on that list of who can get it!!

Crucify me how I am beautiful!!!

Wickmayer gurl, I don’t even know where to begin between the dress and your stance, you most definitely a nottie

I mean seriously, this is well past ugly! This is bugly!!

So I am wondering how Bratzwanska made this dumb move to be blond before she actually became a blond?? #dontbelieveinstereotypes

I’m telling you, French kissing is only real if it is done by a Frenchman. Works the same way like champagne!!!

You are so beautiful to me….Can’t you see??

French Open 2013: Le Prévu

The French Open is set to begin tomorrow or today depending on when I post this entry. The French is the only major tournament that sees the wisdom of starting the major on a Sunday instead of the Monday considering the frequency of “epicness” of the men’s. Anyway, another major is upon us and all the usual suspects are involved with the lone exception of Lochness Monster aka Andy Murray. I know for my part, he will not really be missed and truth be told, he was not a factor here.

You know, every major I get very excited thinking about the event and how it will be so epic but as I sit to write the preview posts, I always feel less enthusiastic about the matter. It is like being in the club and seeing that hot specimen across the dance floor and then the bright light hits and you realize that you have been sweating after a troll. No bueno! Look I am not saying that the majors are a buzz kill but we know that on the men’s side, it would be same people in the final with an almost guaranteed Divadal victory much to my chagrin and on the ladies well… I am not sure what to say about the ladies but it is usually a chokefest. To be honest, I was not feeling last year’s final and not because I am not a Shriekapova fan. It was really and truly very dull and not to mention that the red hot Serenanator went up in flames in the 1^st round. Anyway let us not forecast bad weather for this one because nothing is guaranteed especially in the world of sports.

Anyway the draw came out on Friday and the most noticeable thing is that the French Federation stuck to the current ATP/WTA rankings instead of fiddling around with it to place players above their current status. On the ladies side this does not matter much but on the men’s side, the real issue is that Divadal was ranked 3rd not that it matters to any real significant degree. I mean he is a clay god and gods prove themselves through action not words nor rankings. There is absolutely no use denying it. The man simply resonates power on the stuff. There is a sense of pending destruction when he comes on the clay court because really and truly, he can destroy the entire field. He determines the score line and there is very little his opponents can do other than work hard to avoid the bagel or breadstick. His only challenge is Djoker Harlequeen and unfortunately for some, they are on the same side of the draw, projected to meet in the semi-finals. In other words it will be no repeat of last year’s final. Good because even that too was anticlimatic. So we are promised a good final.

Men’s Draw

–          In Djoker’s quarter, he could face his countryman Douchserivic in the quarterfinals if seeds hold true to form but I doubt Douchy is getting that far. Interestingly enough, Djoker starts off his campaign for his career slam and possibly true grand slam as he is the 2013 Aussie Open champ, against David Goffin that Frodo looking Belgian who gave Mr. Federer so much trouble in the 4^th round I think in last year’s French. Djoker could face Delicious Dimitrov, allegedly Maria’s boyfriend in the 3^rd round. Dimitrov knocked Djoker out of Madrid this season. Also lurking in this quarter are BFG Isner, Tabasco Verdasco and Mikhail Youzhny. However, none of these players are in anywhere near fit to take on the Djuggernaut that is Djoker Harlequeen. He is hungry for this title and is very tight lipped and focused about his game. He refuses to talk about the draw and is taking a Serenanator approach to the major; you look only at your current match and forget who is still in the draw. Djoker is ready like Freddy for this and he is going all out.

–          In Divadal’s quarter, he starts off his campaign against my hubby Daniel Brands. I mean seriously,  the tennis gods can be so unkind. Brands would be slaughtered like a kitten caged with a tigress but I will be there for the récupération avec mon amour. Divadal could face Gasquet in the quarters if both play to form and quite possibly, Divadal will have to take on the last man to beat him at a major, Lukas Rosol in the 3^rd round. I think the ATP better put the mercy rule in effect for this match because I know Divadal will be brutality mood if this match up comes to fruition. He will be going for a golden set (not dropping a single point in the set, 24 consecutive points).

–          This is Ferrer’s quarter and not much going on in here other than it is basically the land of the Giants. Monfils aka Beetlejuice, Ernest Gulbis who almost took out Divadal in Rome, Berdshite and Raonic all running around in this section. They are all tremendous athletic specimen but none of them has actually done the improbable and truly find their game when it really counts. Ferrer knows the clay courts better than all of them combined and though he cannot overpower them, he can out maneuver them, which on clay is the name of the game.  

I gotta stretch more in my old age

–          Mr. Federer is in the bottom half of the draw and could be facing a lot of Frenchmen who have all been problematic for him in the past and recent times. Simon, Benneteau and Tsonga. Divadal’s ex Juan Monaco is also around but truth be told none of these players including Mr. Federer himself has shown much of much this season. Juan Monaco is still recovering from the fact that Divadal decided to grow back his beard. Almost destroyed the man since things looked so good during the off season. Anyway I digress. Nonetheless, we cannot discount Mr. Federer as he is a major player and he should be good enough to get to the quarters/semis at the very least if all goes well. –     

Gurlfriend it’s fine. You can come here anytime you want. I own this place.

 

   Interesting 1^st round match ups

o   Benoit vs Bagdatis

o   Beetlejuice vs Berdshite

o   Blake vs Troicki (where the winner will still be a loser)

o   Simon vs Hewitt

Could you stop looking at my bald spot? I am working on it and so is Rogaine. Now mind your business.

–          My pick for the winner: Smart money will always be Divadal. He is 6 for 7 at these championships and has made all 7 finals of the 7 tournaments he has played losing 2 titles since his return this year. If there is an upset brewing, it will be Djoker. Mr. Federer 2013 French Open champ? Unlikely but you know I will be all for this. I will always be on the Mr. Federer’s bandwagon. But the real truth of the matter is that he has to hope for a Divadal defeat to stand a chance. I watched that Roma final couple of weeks ago and I am telling you, Rome hasn’t seen that kinda massacre since the assassination of Julius Ceasar. It was brutal. Roger barely escaped with his life. I’m keeping it real here, he does not stand a chance especially since he doesn’t employ my strategy see previous post. But I will support him to the end.

Mr. Federer, what happened in the Roma final? Well what had happen was….I have no recollection of this incident you speak of.

LADIES’ DRAW

And that’s why I am the only itch!!

–  Well this clay court season, it has been all about the Serenanator as it was last year. Ho, this year, the American went even further. She has not lost a match since January in Aussie Open quarter-finals. Wait, she lost the Doha final to Vickie in 3 sets. But she picked up Miami, Charleston, Madrid and Rome to find herself the overwhelming favourite for this major clay court title. Whether it be green, red or use to be blue clay, the American is a hurricane on the court, blowing away all opponents in convincing fashion. She was in similar form last year only to be bounced out of Paris by the unlikely Virginie Razzano. She didn’t even win her mixed doubles match. However, something tells me that history is not likely to repeat itself this year. Carebear Kerber is in this section of the draw but really and truly, I think the Kerber star is fading. She is a good player but that serve is huge liability especially on clay. The Germany will face her compatriot Moaning Mona Barthel in the 1st round and that might be her undoing if Mona plays to potential. Kuzi-Rex is floating around here and can be a dangerous opponent but she is just so inconsistent and injured these days. Vinci is also around and she might just prove to be the Italiana to find herself in a 4th consecutive French Open ladies final. Danish Biscuit is also mucking about the place but this cookie has not won a single match on clay this season I think. She is 0-5.

If tennis does not work out for me, I’ll be Rory’s bag lady. Plus I get to keep an eye on my man…Ain’t none of those leftover Tiger itches be getting at my man.

–          Bratzwanska is in bottom quarter of the top half section and starts off against Shahar Peer who has most certainly lost her way in tennis. Venus Williams is also in this section but with an ailing back plus her syndrome and horrid serve, I think she might get bounced in the 2nd round. I say she takes out Urszula Radwanska in the 1st round. Errani will face Bratzwanska if seeds hold true to form but neither of these players has looked in top form as of late.  Ivanovic the Terrible, Losicki, Lady Hobbit Navarro and Julia Georges are also in this section.

–          Vickie is in the bottom half and may have to face LiNaLi in the quarters if they play well. Vickie is not the best clay court player but she is not the worst and should make it through to the quarters. However, Fatoli and Krazilenko might have something to say to this. Young British hopeful Heather Watson is in this part of the draw and could win a couple of rounds if she is smart about it.

–          Kvitova aka Grand High Witch aka GHW is in the bottom quarter along with Shriekapova. Kvitova faces Rezai in the 1st round and knowing how crazy the Czech can be, she might very well lose to the Frenchwoman in spectacular fashion. Fivehead Jankovic will take on Daniella Hantuchova in the 1st round and I am sure it will be a mess of a match. That should be interesting though. Nonetheless, I see Shriekapova screaming her way to the quarters at the very least. She intends to defend her improbable 2012 French Open title and truly she has been the 2nd best clay court player of this season. Chances are if she gets to the final and meet the Serenanator, she will be destroyed but the Russian is not one to waste a golden opportunity. Last year, all her greatest threats were out before the semis and she easily snagged herself the French crown. So the other ladies with designs on this crowd in mind best beware that Shriekapova came here to fight and she will cut a itch.

Let me put my hair in a ponytail. Where’s my Vaseline? I’m ready for these itches not named Serenanator

–          My pick is definitely the Serenanator who if she can battle her demons and put the madness of her being some kinda dropshot specialist out of her mind, she will have her 2nd French title; 11 years since her 1st one in 2002. Of course in my dreams, I see Ebony Starr winning this title. I can deal with a semi-finals appearance but losing to the Serenanator. The Serenanator worked very hard this year for this title and truly deserves it. However, majors are not charities. You want one, you have to win one and there is nothing the Serenanator loves doing but winning.

HOTNESS

I think he is finally over Divadal

So this concludes our first edition for the 2013 French Open coverage. Play begins on Sunday and not Monday and the French Tennis Federation has packed the day with the William sisters, Simon, Hewitt, Mr. Federer, Ivanovic the Terrible and Ferrer are all slated to play on the 1st Sunday.

Wimbledon 2012: The epic 4th Day

Gurl, Centre Court was on fire! I was having volcano flashes up in there

Had they told me before the match begun, I would have called them a liar, a fool and a down right tennis dunce. However, like we always say here at RealzTenisFanz, the game is won and lost on the field and not on paper. That Lukas Rosol had even a sliver of a chance to beat Lord Clay Divadal (I think I rather call him Lord Clay Divadal instead of Lord Dirt Divadal) was improbable if not impossible. Nonetheless, anyone who bet on Rosol yesterday, though initially seen as a mad man, he left the evening a very rich man. This was the 2^nd round of Wimbledon and Divadal is not going to be in the 3^rd round as Lukas Rosol simply dismantled him on the court 6-7 6-4 6-4 2-6 6-4. Yes it was 5 sets but nothing about that match was a contest for Divadal. Rosol had a game plan and he executed it to perfection. This is monumental, this was an epic match and instantly will become a classic for the ages. Hard to imagine that one of the top 4 and even more surprising, the top 2 will not be in the 2^nd week of a major. Rosol, ranked 100^th, came onto Centre Court to face a tennis god but showed that he was a titan. His nerves were steely, his forehand rock solid and that serve, it was simply a precious gem. Divadal had never been treated with such disrespect in his life. At no point in the match did it occur to Rosol to lay down and die as so many men on tour are apt to do when facing one of the Fourhorse Men of Apocalypse. To be fair though, the top 4 are really that good.

This is not happening right now! When I count to 3, I am going to disappear!

In the 1^st set, Divadal broke early to go up 3-2 but Rosol broke back immediately and perhaps then, we knew the Czech meant business. They held serve to go into a tiebreaker, which in and of itself was epic but Divadal was able to close it out 11-9 and bag the 1^st set. One felt like this was going to turn into another Thomaz Bellucci match where the player has a good start but cannot sustain the momentum and then gets whitewashed.

In your face mofo!!

However, Rosol broke Divadal at love in the very first game back as Divadal double faulted on break point. Rosol would hold serve for the rest of the set NEVER facing break point taking it 6-4. What is remarkable is the fact that he did a similar thing in the 3^rd set; break early and hold serve  to close out the set 6-4. Divadal never had a break point…I doubt he even got any games to deuce. Fans at home watching or following on twitter or even following on RealzTenisFanz facebook page were at a standstill. I mean the Lochness Monster vs Ivo the Giant provided a lot of tension and drama already added to that that there were several other men’s matches that were proving to be watch worthy because NO ONE imagined that Rosol could really pull this off. Beat Lord Clay Divadal, 2 time Wimbledon champ in the 2^nd round? NEVER. Divadal was mad, she was angry, she damn near had a BF (bitch fit) on court. Who the fcuk do you think you are Rosol? She rolled on the ground, she complained to the chair umpire that Rosol was being noisy and making distracting movements.

She was a hot mess out there. Divadal you flexible! Gurl, we do not carry on like this on Centre Court. Look at that face….you know them legs be up like antennas when Mrs. Monadal comes around!

There is a pain, in my brain…why won’t it rain because I am going down the drain

She gritted and grunted…she even bumped into Rosol a la Irina Spirlea at the 97 US Open versus our own Russ Troll Venus Williams and we all know how that ended. Ebony Starr crushed that skank and moved on to her 1^st US Open final. Divadal was losing dirty. No bueno for a Lady of your standing Divadal. No muy bueno. Nevertheless, in the end, Divadal was down 2-1 sets and she had to get it to a 5 setters in order to move on. I think what was even more disastrous in her mind was the fact that she almost lost in straight sets. But Divadal is a Dragon and is not easily slayed.

I’m sorry…Bitch!
Spanish Skank!

In the 4^th set, Divadal was on fire. Snapped popped and crackled her way to break Rosol 2 times, something he had not done since the 1^st set. She had the 4^th 6-2 and they play in the 5^th. And then, the organizers decided to close the roof and put the Diva in a box. Oh no…no no no no no….. the diva got mad but she dared not get bad because men are walking a very thin line right about now because of silly Nalbandian’s crazy behaviour couple of weeks ago. She had to simmer and stew out there as there was a near half an hour delay to close the roof and get the AC on…you know how Europeans are kinda anti anti-perspirant. I jest! I jest! Anyway, it would have been hotter than a mofo up in there so they had to get the air on. Divadal was not liking that. Anyway, they got things on the way again. I sat with bated breath because I thought for sure, the Divadal Dragon was going to take the nuclear option and just blaze his way through to the end.

Divadal the Dragon rose up

However, it was not to be. Rosol went back to the original scripts of the 2^nd and 3^rd set; break Divadal early and hold serve. And that he did. In the very 1^st game, Divadal was broke and she was fuming. She had committed no errors in the 4^th and now things were back where they were early in the match; Rosol was dictating play. Divadal got things to 4-5 and one though…NO WAY that Rosol can close this one out… the Choker express will soon be boarding and Rosol will be chief engineer but at 5-4! Rosol got things underway with a BOMB of an Ace in Divadal’s face. 15-0. He missed his 1^st serve but found his 2^nd serve and went with a ferocious forehand to go 30-0. The crowd was out of control and commentators were at a lost to find words to describe this moment. It was near pandemonium when Rosol aced Divadal again and was at 40-0; triple match point! Then Rosol ACED Divadal for the 22^nd time and take the match. All hell broke loose! This was good… this was very very good.

This is not happening!

i am FABULOUS bitches!!!

Take your handbag and get outta here! A Diva Dejected

Now understand I am not excited because Divadal lost and I am not his greatest fan. I am happy because it broke up the monotony of the same players coming into the semifinals. It may be that one of the other three might win this thing but at least, the chances of the other players winning a major has increased. Adios Divadal. Now you can go back home and watch Spain take on Italy in Euro final. Also you have a 2^nd chance as the Olympics are coming to Wimbledon in three weeks’ time. You will be all right. Humble pie can be delicious with a nice cup of calming tea and you would be all right.

Lochness Monster clawed his way into the 3rd

Anyway, this is not even the only match that was played. Things are very hot and heated right now between Ivo the Giant aka Ivo Karlovic of Croatia and Wimbledon. He played their favoured son Lochness Monster and got called for 11 double faults. Now, Ivo is a serving monster. This mofo can serve for his motherfcuking life. He pays his rent with the number of aces he get per match/per tournament. Now, Ivo claims that whenever he held the advantage, they would call a foot fault and many, the calls were very suspect. Ivo lost 5-7 7-6 2-6 6-7 and Lochness Monster moves on and is heavily favoured to make it to the finals since Divadal got bounced out of the tournament. Now, I want to say this and I have been saying this since US Open 2009. The tennis organizers need to have cameras on court so that players can challenge foot faults. It is ridiculous to think that you can have the balls being questioned and not whether your foot crossed the line. The umpire is hardly looking at their feet and once that foot fault call has been made, the players are screwed. It cannot be challenged and you are at a disadvantage.

WTF?? WTMFF?? Do I need to bring my club to these matches

When the Serenanator when into her court rage at the linesjudge, she was right. She did not foot fault and what is even worse, the linesjudge did not lose their job. In FIFA (football or soccer head body) if the officials are fcuking up, they are sent home. No questions asked. It is high time tennis gets it act together. The same chair umpires are circulating and they have been many many many egregious officiating and nothing is done about the matter. People ignore them and claim that the bad calls even out throughout the match…BULLSHIT in the highest degree. The game should be played fairly and squarely. You win what you earned. The winner is decided by a point…the match point and tennis is a high mental sport. Bad calls change the players’ attitude on court. They feel slightest and stop relying on muscle memory to focus on every aspect of their game which often times, severely throw them off their original game play. ITF/WTA/ATP, cameras for freaking cheap. Stop this shite show. Get the challenge system on every court that is being used for the tournament and also get challenge system for foot fault. STOP with this guidelines bullshit and get actual rules including for time violations.

Prince Ali, fabulous he…

All for you babe

Anyway, other winners include Jo-Willi Tsonga aka Baby Ali who had to get it done in 4 sets as did Del Potro who apparently took a mental stroll in the 3^rd set but closed it out against Go Soeda of Japan. Fiery Ferrer also won his match as did Kei Nishikori, American Brian Baker who is showing himself to be a reliable American male player, Frodo Goffin, Mardy former Whale Fish who dropped the ball big time in the 4^th set but was able to pull it out in the 5^th against British hopeful James Ward 6-3. Malisse did the world a favour by knocking out Gilles Simon in straight sets 6-4 6-4 7-6. Simon has made himself a target with his recent comments about men should be paid higher than women. I have an interesting take on this subject but right now, I cannot discuss as I am way behind again. Tabasco Verdasco is finding success here on grass unlike his recent clay court season. He moves onto the 3^rd round as is Marin Cilic, Philipp Kohlschreiber who will play Rosol in the 3^rd round and Alejandro Fall who again played another 5^th set to move to the 3^rd round. American Andy Roddick aka Mr. Brooklyn Decker 3 time Wimbledon finalist (2004-2005, 2009) also won in straight sets. He is a very dangerous floater. This might be his last Wimbledon in case you did not know and he would love to go out with a Wimbledon trophy. Unfortunately, my boo Delicitrov pulled out yet again of a tournament giving former Wimbledon semifinalist in 2006 if I am not mistaken, Fatdatis a chance to equal that performance.

You poor sweet thing… I will give you a rub down and you’ll be happy in the end

Undoubtedly, the ladies could not provide anywhere near this sort of excitement that the men produced. Shriekapova who had to finish up her 2^nd round match, dropped the 2^nd set 6-7 and you thought that Pironkova was going to make things interesting in the 3^rd. However, the only thing that was interesting was what she was going to have on her bagel. Shriekapova moved on 7-6 6-7 6-0. I do not know why she even bothered to waste the Russian’s time by taking the 2^nd set. Anyway, Kvitova won her match knocking out Elena Baltacha of England 6-0 6-4.

GWH is lurking in the dark ready to cast a spell on anyone in her path

Heather Watson remains the only British gal in the draw by making the 3^rd round and she is not going to the Olympics. The Serenanator sunk Melanie Czink as did Lucic who took out Fatoli in straight sets. Carebear Kerber and fellow German Julia Goerges also won. Vickie who has been relatively quiet this tournament also won her match. Shvedova, Wickmayer, Zakopalova, Ivanovic the Terrible, Sara Alien v Predator Head, Schiabone, Fatrova and Paszek also moved on. Former Wimbledon semifinalist Zheng Jie also moves on as did Roberta Vinci and Christina McHale and fellow American Varvara Lepchenko.

Gurl your make up is fabulous! Who put it on, Bozo the clown?

Some very interesting matches coming up…The conclusion of the Raonic vs Querry match…ACES GALORE! Mommie Dearest vs Vera Zvonareva, Bratzwanska vs Heather Watson, Almagro vs Gasquet (battle of the one handed backhand) Carebear vs McHale, Stephens vs Lisicki and Troicki vs Mrs. Monadal.  DON’T FORGET TO SPREAD THE WORLD ABOUT REALZ!!!

WTF??

Hey gurl meet my boy toy! Rrrrrrr

Next time I have to bring my clutch…I can’t handle these handles on this murse!

This went from this…

To this… hmmmm how you doing?

To this… and we all know what’s going to happen next… gaynesia

Wimbledon 2012: Day 2

Realz coming at your from the grass courts of Wimbledon

There was a contest on Centre Court yesterday between GHW (Grand High Witch) aka Petra Kvitova, reigning Wimbledon ladies champ and Argul Amanmuradova. It was not a beauty contest by any stretch of the imagination but we are not here in England to settle superficial disputes; we are here to play sports. GHW started off badly enough down 1-4. However, she got her life together and won the match 6-4 6-4! Title defense in full effect…and we are back on the broom. Kvitova has not played well on regular tour level events but she has made it to the semis of the last two majors. So she will not be one to slight over at these championships.

Grand High Witch Kvitova

Amanmuradova looking like a dementor with her huge self or perhaps Madame Maxime

Mere happenstance that this famous author is on hand to watch GHW match?…Hmmm

Vera Zvonareva who had to complete her 1^st round match today and took out Moaning Mona Barthel 6-4 in the 3^rd set. The 2010 Wimbledon finalist is struggling to regain the sort of form that saw her as a regular fixture in the 2^nd week at majors. The Serenanator and Vickie also had their 1^st round matches today and they both made it look like work. They won the 1^st comfortably but in the 2^nd they were struggling though they both won it 6-4. I for one think Vickie should go back to her shorts and the Serenanator, hopefully she saw a shrink or some exorcist to help deal with the demons that run amok in her life as of late.

The Serenanator trying to find her way back to major winning form

Other winners include, Schiabone who found herself in a tough battle against British youngster, Laura Robson. And speaking of British ladies, Anne Keaothavong won another match 6-3 6-3. Finally! Apparently, my lil rant during the French Open help or perhaps, it is the Olympics coming to town that has these British gals trying to give the home crowd something to cheer about as Elena Baltacha also won. Both Baltacha and Keaothavong got wild card entrants into the Olympics games. Personally, I would have given one of those wild cards to Heather Watson and the other perhaps to Robson. I think Watson is the only one of the British gals who appear as though their main interest is tennis.

Yeah I finally won a match at a major this year

Aleksandra Wozniak aka Cookie Monster’s lil sister won as did Fattychunkova, Fatoli who is definitely losing weight, American Christina McHale who is never trustworthy with a lead but found a way to win today. She will join fellow American Lepchenko and Wickmayer who beat Kuzi-Rex. Now, you know I am not a huge fan of Kuzi-Rex but I do not hate her. However, she really gets me mad. I do not understand why it is that she is playing so poorly as of late. There is no effort on her part these days and it is really disgusting to see a two time major winner who is not suffering from any known aliments, act as though she just got on the tour. Really disappointing.

Hmmm I change my mind… he looks more like an ostrich and they got small brains but he might do in a pinch. It looks like something milky is leaking out of your mouth…hmmm

On the men’s side, well things started to get interesting when Thomaz Bellucci raced off to a 4-0 lead over Lord Dirt Divadal. The Brazilian is a brilliant young talent but you know how these young guns often times shoot blanks. No sooner did Beaulucci (I saw recent pictures of him and I am not so sure I am feeling him much anymore. I will pass!) anyway… no sooner did Bellucci get the double break than he gifted them right back to Divadal. He was able to push to a tiebreaker where the shite show continued. Bellucci did not win a single point in the tiebreaker and only won 5 more games for the rest of the match. Divadal 7-6 6-2 6-3. Now it might seem that Divadal has fashioned himself Bjorg hier apparent and takes Wimbledon very seriously. He has made it to the finals 5 times, winning the title twice. He is not here foro shits and giggles and he intends to lay waste to all who comes in his way. D’Joker Harlequeen is no longer the threat that he was last year. In their last 4 meetings, Divadal won 3 of them albeit they were all on clay. Nonetheless, he is looking for his 12^th major title and perhaps closing in on Mr. Federer’s record 16.

Lord Dirt Divadal with his face all contorted as though he has muscular dystrophy.

Lochness Monster had his 1^st round match against the one time top player Nikolay Davydenko. Not so long ago, Davydenko was a feared individual capable of silencing any and all of the top men. Now, he is a mere white shadow of himself, struggling to win tour level matches much more those at majors. Lochness Monster chewed him up 6-1 6-1 6-4. Baby Ali aka Tsonga faced the 2002 Wimbledon champion in Hewitt. However, on the 10^th year anniversary of his victory, Baby Ali gave the Australian a gift of time but sending him off in the 1^st round for celebrations 6-3 6-4 6-4. And speaking up 2002, Hewitt is currently ranked 202 and I believe, with lost, he might be playing challengers next week. Perhaps he might consider retiring and helping Beth with the kids. In any case, most fanz would not miss him…I know I won’t. He could also mentor that hog of a child in Bernard Tomic. Someone needs to reign in that douchebag before he spills all over the place.

Lochness Monster thinks this might be the year for him!

And speaking of the idiot, he played David Goffin, the very same one who gave Mr. Federer all sorts of trouble at the French. Tomic won the 1^st set 6-3 but from then all, the Hobbit worked his magic and claimed the next three 6-3 6-4 6-4. With these Aussie losses, it means no Australian man is in the 2^nd round of a major. I believe that may not have ever happened… LOL actually, it has not happened in a long long time. However, before I got on a rampage on Australian tennis, consider that the US hardly has any strong male contenders these days and Switzerland only in essence have Mr. Federer and Fatanka. I think Australia is struggling with its own history and they should consider addressing this problem more proactively instead of hoping for the next Laver or Rafter to rise up out of the rashes of their once former tennis empire.

B gurl, might I suggest a cup because you surely need to tuck. I can offer you a thimble because from the looks of things, we all know you are not nimble. At first I thought it was a tick then I realise, boy it’s your dick. It won’t take long because gurl…you sure ain’t hung..looks more like you got stung! So put your dong in a thong because we don’t want to see it around.

Beast Boy Del Potro won his match as did Delicious Dmitriov. Marin Cilic, Fatdatis, Dolgopolov aka BWLLAGWLLAB, Nieminen who took out the hotness in FeFe Lopez, Mardy Fish, Kei Nishikori, Nicolas Almagro and Philipp Kohlschreiber who took out Tommy Haas, 2012 Halle winner over Mr. Federer, in 5 sets. So all in all, this day did not really see any major upsets like the 1^st day did. The usual suspects are through to the 2^nd round and still the 3^rd day is set to start and all the 1^st round matches have not been completed.

Oh delish Dimi

My word… I need to learn Spanish… FeFe Lopez is definitely incentive enough… Muy muy bueno y caliente

You just want one night with me? For realz, I would turn your world upside down!

When will Wimbledon learn about scheduling in light of the fact that matches are getting longer and the slightest bit of rain halt matches completely? These majors are overdoing a good joke but we do not have time for this right about now. Do not forget to comment and spread the word about us.

Is this Mirka with another man? Scandal! Scandal! While Mr. Federer is off on the practice courts, you shacking up with some man who reeks of poverty. Skank!

What do you mean I can’t change my bra on court? I am motherfcuking Lord Dirt Divadal. I can do whatever I want.

Look at that beautiful uncomfortable smile. D’Stove as always looking like she’s about to take a shite…

I’m sorry I can’t hear you. Some man is cursing me out…

Yes I am talking to you, you stinking motherfcuker with the purse. Turn off your fcuking phone when I am playing. I’ll whip my dcik out and bitch slap you with it.

Aussie Open 2012: Day 3

Vickie Barcelona is charging through the field like a bull

Well Vickie Azarenka is on a war path and she is dispatching of her opponents with a vengeance. Twice she was looked spectacular at the Aussie Open 2009 and 2010, only to meet the Serenanator who through perhaps luck as well as her prodigious skills, snuck passed the Belarusian to subsequently win the title. Now, Vickie is on the other side of the draw and cannot meet the American until possibly the final. Therefore, she can be calm, cool and collected about her these championships. She played the Australian Casey Dellacqua and Vickie was simply brutal to the crowd favourite. It was almost with disdain she finished her off 6-1 6-0. Perhaps she meant to not let the native daughter win a game or simply to prove her superiority but she just pounded on that girl like she had just slapped her mother. Whatever it was, Vickie Barcelona Christina is looking stellar and the rest of the field or at least in the top half should do well to pay close attention because Vickie is not fcuking around this year.

Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic is still floating around in the draw

Well Radwanska who I swear look like a Bratz Doll got through her match quite easily unlike in her first round match. Danish Biscuit who had no talk of wrist injury this time around as far as I am aware went through easily as well. Other top players who made it through were LiNaLi, Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic and Mommie Dearest who showed her usual early round brilliance when rolled over her opponent 6-0 6-1. German hopeful Julia Goerges also won her match as did her countrywoman Mona Barthel, a virtual unknown who came through qualifying last week to win Hobart (a warm tournament) continued to show fine form as she too made it to the 3^rdround.

Which hair spoilist thought that this was a good look for Mommie Dearest??

By way of upsets, Schiabone was knocked out in straight sets 4-6 3-6 by her fellow Italian Romina Oprandi. There was no fight at all from the 10^th seed Francesco and I was happy for it really. I am just sick and tired of seeing her running around the court and making those ridiculous asthmatic sounds and you know I am hardly one to ever complain about the “ladies” grunting. Anyway, 16^th seed Shuai Peng lost to Benesova whilst American Christina McHale booked her place in the 3^rdround with a 3 set victory over Erakovic. That takes care of the ladies.

Mr. Divadal looking good thus far

On the men’s side, Mr. Federer had a very light day at the office as his opponent Andreas Beck of Germany pulled out of the match before the start. So Mr. Federer is in the 3^rd round. Mr. Divadal did not break much of a sweat as he took out German Tommy Haas aka Head and Shoulders in straight sets. Lurch aka Berdych looked to be going out early against his opponent but he just swung around and pummeled him in the next 3 sets. He too is in the 3^rd round as are Del Potro (11^th seed) aka Beast Boy, Fefe Lopez, Ivo Karlovic (a dangerous floater) Kevin Anderson (30^thseed).

Is it just me or it looks like he is wearing foundation??

There were several marathon matches later on in the day as Nicolas Almagro (10^th seed) fought off a charge from young hottie Grigor Dimitrov. Dimitrov just had nothing left in the tank for the 5^thset and went out 0-6. American John Isner aka Big Friendly Giant (BFG) outlasted David Nalbandian who had the match on his racquet. Nalbandian allowed himself to get sidetracked by a very questionable call by the umpire and let several break points go.

BFG is through to the 3rd round

Alexandr Dolgopolov (13^th seed) aka boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy, he pulled through in 5 sets as well though I think it was a lot of wasted energy on court. He could have easily wrapped up the match but seems willing to play around on court. If he wishes to crack the top 10 and remain there, he will need to increase his sense of urgency on court as well as be far more efficient in his game. BFG won his second 5 set match 10-8. His fellow Americans Sam Querry aka the Grinch and Donald Young both attempted to put up a fight against their opponents but both lost in 4 sets. Mardy Fish (8^thseed) also lost as he went down in straight sets to Columbian Alejandro Falla 7-6 6-3 7-6. A very disappointing result I am sure.

Alejandro Falla of Columbia

I am a skinny itch now....let me see you hate on my body

However, I think it is time we accept the fact that Fish is not the next American hope in men’s tennis. I feel that he has got to as far as he will get in his career. He chose to lose the weight and take tennis seriously far too late and this year for sure will see his ranking plummet. And as we are talking about fatties, in the battle of the tennischubbies, Wawrinka vs Fatdatis, the Swiss was able to pull out the victory in the end despite massive crowd support for the Cypriot.

Wawrinka and Fatdatis. There is cake over there... let go get some

Now Fatdatis made it to the finals I believe in 2006 or 2007 where he was handled by Mr. Federer. He has since then made it to the semis of Wimbledon but has yet to come close to such achievement. Instead of gaining more match skills and maturity, he gained weight. He opted for the food court instead of the tennis court. The same can be said of Wawrinka. Look at those moobs on his chest; he needs a brossiere. However, the match was rather entertaining because Wawrinka has one of the sweetest one handed backhands you would ever see on the tennis court. Anyway, this match would gain infamy for something else. Take a look,

What really got to me though is not his behaviour; Fatdatis never struck me as someone with any sort of class. However, it is the fact that the chair umpire said nothing until he broke the 4th racquet and the media response to this is as if this were some mere joke and Fatdatis is being “eccentric” in some manner. Earlier that very same day, David Nalbandian in a fit of rage in his match against American BFG, threw his racquet and almost hit a lines judge. The umpire said nothing. I have long stated that the Grand Slams are harsher on women than they are on men and had this been the Serenanator, the newsreels would have been on fire. And while I am talking about this, can TV commentators stop talking about the women “noise level” Mr. Divadal and D’Joker are always grunting throughout their matches and I have yet to hear a soul say shite about it.

That’s it for results. Enjoy the picture show…..

Daniela Hepburnova is working the camera this major for sure

Dimitrov is simply delicious

I think Almagro is leading the ATP from behind. I dare say, he given has Divadal licked

Might I make a suggestion as to where you can lick m'am??

I don't want to be mean but that's a very unattractive woman in the black. She must have a winning personality

Fatoli pumping those fat tubes

Again, what's with this shirtless frat boyz business?? Gaynesia has definitely become an epidemic

Ahhhh m'am, I think you might need a bathroom break.

Check out my fierce walk gurl!!