2015 Australian Open: Menz Preview

So here we are at the Australian Open 2015, January 19-February 1! I feel like we always start out each new major posting with the same tired line. However, really and truly I am not sure how else to begin! I mean we all know why we are here and what we are about. So why complicate matters? Wait, I could have started out by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR to my old fanz and the new fanz we hope to get this coming year! I am hoping that 2015 bring RealzTenisFanz into more homes, screens, mobile devices and tennis fans’ consciousness. We are not seeking legitimacy here because RealzTenisFanz is and has always been a “prestigious publication”. RealzTenisFanz is however seeking more recognition, more publicity because let us be real about the matter, RealzTenisFanz does not really have much us an audience! We are going to change that for 2015. We are also going to change the fact that FANZ NEED TO COMMENT BELOW!

COMMENT BELOW

In case you are new to RealzTenisFanz and I hope that many of you are new, we keep it realz and controversial in these parts. We do not hold back and we have no/nil/nilch/zero fcuks and/or cares to give! You will love it here because we allow everyone to have a say (PLEASE COMMENT BELOW) and also even if you are a casual fan of tennis or know nothing at all about the sport, RealzTenisFanz has something for you! So stick around and again Happy New Year to all my peeps and haters too! Trust and believe, Realz got nothing but admiration for my haters who can stay so bitter and keep on giving me shine! Bless your evil hearts!

Anyway, let us not digress too much! We are here for another year of tennis courtesy the many players on both the ATP and WTA! We all have ones we love (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), those we hate (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), some we pretend do not exist (Fake Fire Ferrer, St. Nick Krispy Kringle, Berdshite, Ernests Gulbis, Lordlize Cornemort, Garbine Muguruza, Tsvetana Pironkova) and those we do not even know exist (Michael Berrer, Zarina Diyas, Pablo Cuevas, Santiago Gulbis). Nonetheless, Realz is here to make all this simple and easy. Realz take away all the fluff, pomp and circumstances of “traditional and/or mainstream sports media” and give it to you straight, stiff and strong … Who am I kidding, ain’t nothing straight in these parts unless we mean “Spaghetti Straight”; it is straight until you cook it.

Enough grandstanding, so we are at the Australian Open in Melbourne and we have to do the traditional bit of “Picks of the Tournaments”! However, I often find this all very boring, dull and merely a lot of hot air talk mixed with bullshit analysis. I am not one to favour picking a winner because as you all know, Realz subscribes to the maxim, “The game is won and lost on the field not on paper!” Nonetheless, we can do some talking about the draw and checking out how things are stacked and who might get where or who might get nowhere or even who just not anywhere at all. Of course, we will have the obligatory photos to shade and shadow the players!

So let us begin with the MENZ (Do note that the WOMENZ’s breakdown will be issued in a separate post. The next post after this in fact!)

As have been the case as of late, I break the draw down into halves, then quarters and then further still into eighths. I find this way easier to deal and manage. I also wish I can come up with a cool graphic to display it all but Realz ain’t got money for all that so it will be down the good ole fashioned bootleg way! That is to say, it will be mostly words.

BELOW IS THE BREAKDOWN OF THE TOP 32 SEEDS!

2015 Australian Open Top Menz Seeds
Top Half	Bottom Half
1. Novak Djokovic (Djoker Harlequeen)	2. Roger Federer (Mr. Federer/Mr. Federror)
4. Stan Wawrinka (Stanley)	3. Rafael Nadal (Divadal)
5. Kei Nishikori (Horsikori)	6. Andy Murray (Lochness Monster)
8. Milos Raonic (Dennis the Menace)	7. Tomas Berdych (Berdshite)
9. David Ferrer (Fake Fire Ferrer)	10. Grigor Dimitrov (Maria’s Bulgarian handbag)
12. Feliciano Lopez (FeFe Lopez)	11. Ernests Gulbis (Nothing has stick yet)
13. Roberto Bautista-Agut (Not Worthy)	14. Kevin Anderson (Not Worthy)
16. Fabio Fognini (Pignini)	15. Tommy Robredo (Not Worthy)
17. Gael Monfils (Beetlejuice)	20. David Goffin (Hobbit)
18. Gilles Simon (Chicken Legs/Drumsticks)	22. Philipp Kohlschreiber (Nothing has stick yet)
19. John Isner (Big Friend Giant Mountain Troll)	23. Ivo Karlovic (Nothing has stick yet)
21. Alexandr Dolgopolov (BWLLAGWLLAB)	24. Richard Gasquet (Nothing has stick yet)
25. Julien Benneteau (Julie B)	26. Leonardo Mayer (Mulling over a name for him)
27. Pablo Cuevas (Have no idea who he is)	28. Lukas Rosol (Ended Divadal’s 2012 life)
30. Santiago Giraldo (Who he?)	29. Jeremy Chardy (Not Worthy)
31. Fernando Verdasco (Tabasco Verdasco)	32. Martin Klizan (Not Worthy)

*Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person! 
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

So let us begin:

Djoker (1) v Stanley (4) Top Half

Bae, why does your face feel like it got attacked by a meat tenderizer?

Djoker (1) v Raonic (8) Quarter

You all know I am here to pick up my 5th Aussie Open title

Djoker’s Section Eighth: The 4-time Aussie Open Champion, Djoker, opens his bid for a 5^th title with a qualifier. He has no one of real quality until a possible 3^rd round showing against Tabasco Verdasco (31) a previous semifinalist here if I am not mistaken. However, if we are going to be serious here, Tabasco Verdasco has long since failed to be a hot consistent player on tour unless we are talking body hot and even there he is lacking as of late. Truth be told, he is playing more like mayonnaise than hot sauce these days. I am actually surprised that he is seeded here at all. Therefore, Djoker should have no trouble at all getting to the 4^th Round where he could meet either John Isner (19) aka BFG Mountain Troll or Roberto Bautista-Agut (13) who has a different Spanish style of game. He hits a flat ball compared to his other compatriots. Djoker should get to quarters no problemo to face a real threat of sorts Milos Raonic!

Don’t forget about me! I might be spoiling some people’s plans!

Raonic’s Section Eighth: In the quarters for the Serbian, looms another big server in the form of Raonic (8). The Canadian should also get to the quarters but he has to be very very smart about his tennis. There are several well-experienced players in his eighth of the draw and they can be rather problematic. There are also a lot of tall players in this section. No doubt Raonic should move past the first two rounds. However, waiting for him in the 3^rd round could be Julie B (25) or Lleyton Hewitt who even though is old and broken, does tend to like to stir things up when the big lights are on him. The organizers will definitely schedule this matchup on primetime and on Rod Laver Arena. However, Raonic should be able to handle this pressure by now. A 4^th round possibility for the Canadian is Fefe Lopez (12) or Monfils aka Beetlejuice (17) and if he gets Beetlejuice, he might be in serious trouble. There are several matches in this section which should be rightly entertaining: A possible Juan Martin Del Potro (back from long term wrist injury) verses another giant in Jerzy Janowicz in the 1^st round, then the winner of this faces Beetlejuice and the winner of that match play a possible Lopez (12) in the 3^rd round and then that winner play Raonic. It is like the “Battle of the Giants”

*Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy has just pulled out of the Aussie Open citing precaution of a possible wrist injury! SUCH A SHAME. He will be replaced by Hiroki Moriya from Japan. I have NO IDEA who he is. As we are talking about those who will not be here, we should mention that Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Marin Cilic have both pulled out of the tournament citing injuries. Tsonga would be missed but I think Cilic pulled out because of the pressure of living up to his US Open win at the next major! It would be less pressure at the French Open where he is hardly favoured to win. 

Stanley (4) v Horsikori (5) Quarter

Don’t get it twisted folks, I am defending champion so I got street creds for this here title!

Stanley’s Section Eighth: Stanley (4) should get to the Round of 16 without any hiccups whatsoever. I do not believe he will retain his surprise title from last year. No Shade No T here, Stanley took out Djoker, Berdshite and Divadal en route to the title. That was a real Herculean effort, unlikely to be repeated ever again but he still deserves praise for that accomplishment. However, he has the potential of at least getting to the semis which considering his usual pedigree would be a major achievement in and of itself. He could face in the 4^th round (Round of 16), Fabio Fognini aka Pignini (16) and this I doubt because Pignini with slaughter himself along the way.

The teeth though!

Horsikori’s Section Eighth: Horsikori (5) might have a tougher time getting to the quarterfinals. Gilles Simons (18) aka Chicken Legs or Drumsticks is capable of being a tough opponent if he plays to his true potential and not his shoe size. Kei will however, start off his Melbourne campaign against Nicolas Almagro who is returning to tour from long term injury. It is nice to see him back on tour, in fact, I love to see his back on tour because his behind is muy caliente. Horsikori should get to the Round of 16 where he can potentially face Fake Fire Ferrer (9) who is desperate to get back in top 5 ranking. Ferrer loves nothing better than to occupy that 5^th place spot! He will be coming for Horsikori’s mane.

I mean look at this booty of Almagro! #icant

And this bodé! I mean he is not going to be around long so we have to soak up as much as we can while we can! 

Fake Fire Ferrer doesn’t like being so close to bottom of the top 10! For him, being 5 in the world is Number 1 in his book, so best believe, he is looking to get back up there in 2015

Mr. Federer (2) v Divadal (3) Bottom Half

Mr. Federer giving Divadal the sideeye having had his wig snatched by the Spaniard in Melbourne so many times now

Divadal (3) v Berdshite (7) Quarter

Berdshite is still around … however, the tournament haven’t started yet

Berdshite’s Section Eighth: Berdshite should get to the Round of 16 at the very least. However, knowing how this Czech can go well off the rails, he is capable of losing in the 1^st round as well as getting to the semifinals with some luck. He might face some stiff competition in the 3^rd round if Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) is also playing up to his true potential. The same can also be said for Ernests Gulbis (11) who might face Berdshite in the 4^th Round. Also lurking in these parts are Kevin Anderson (14) who has yet to get a win over Berdshite (one of the few sure things in Berdshite’s life) and also Gasquet (24). This section of the draw has the potential of a surprise quarterfinalist and/or some “upsets”.

Divadal is here people! Don’t get it twisted, he might have been “sick” for months now but he is dangerous in Melbourne

Divadal’s Section Eighth: Divadal has an easy ride into the semifinals. The former champion here in 2009 and last year’s finalist is looking to prove his worth after disappearing yet again from the tour with an “abnormal case of appendicitis”. He looked rusty in Doha losing to Michael Berrer (I don’t know who he is either) but there is virtually no one in these parts that Divadal cannot handle. However, I would have thought he could have handled the scrub Berrer. Nonetheless, this is a major and Divadal usually gets his life together for these big occasions. He opens against Mikhail Youzhny who is a former top 20 player but somehow found himself lurking in the far depth of the ranking. Youzhny if I am not mistaken has a win against Divadal at a major but I doubt it very much if he will be so lucky again. While we are on the subject of surprise win over Divadal at a major, in this section lurks the mercurial Lukas Rosol (28) who might be Divadal’s 3^rd round opponent. However, I am not even sure if Rosol would get that far in the draw but I thought it only fair to point out that there was a potential of it happening.

Mr. Federer (2) v Lochness Monster Murray (6) Quarter

You know if I don’t at least get to the finals, you’re fired right Amelie?

Lochness Monster’s Section Eighth: Now the end of last year did not bode well for the Scotsman who is a 3-time finalist here in Melbourne. He got his ass whipped by Mr. Federer at the Year Ending Championships; 0-6 1-6. After this result, Nessie fired his entire team with the lone exception of Amelie Mauresmo. He also decided to make it official with his long term girlfriend Kim Sears (I think that is how her name is pronounced but I hardly care one way or the other) Anyway, he too should have an easy time getting to the 2^nd week of the tournament. He will potentially face Dimitrov (10) who I am not sure about as of late.

Dimitrov is looking to get his bag straps together!

I have no clue which version of Martha’s Bulgarian handbag will show up in Melbourne. This clutch could play tennis like the real deal from the luxury shop or show up here like a knockoff from Chinatown. He should have no trouble getting past German Jamaican Dustin Brown in the 1^st round. Brown I am sure will be spending the match thinking about all the tweets about him because after the match he will spend all his time retweeting. This fool spends more time retweeting on Twitter than on the actual tennis court. He swears he is the shite. Meanwhile, he cannot make the German Davis Cup team. #gurlbye Anyway, if Dimitrov is not up to the task, lil Hobbit David Goffin (20) might be there ready to take his spot in the 4^th Round.

Mr. Federer is ready to claim his 5th Aussie Open title!

Mr. Federer’s Section Eighth: Mr. Federer also has an easy time to quarters. Hopefully the teenager, Borna Coric can get his life together and win a couple of rounds to meet Mr. Federer in the 3^rd round. Otherwise, Jeremy Chardy (29) might be Mr. Federer’s opponent. Not much to fear still unless one counts Tommy Robredo (15) who took out Mr. Federer at the 2013 US Open. Mr. Federer looked good coming into Melbourne having won the Brisbane title. He looked in great form as he dispatched both Dimitrov and Raonic. However, despite the immense talents that both Dimitrov and Raonic possess, they are hardly the real problem for Mr. Federer. If Mr. Federer wants to win this title, he has to beat Divadal and Djokovic back to back in a major. This is a HUGE ORDER especially at 33 years old. However, if anyone can get it done, it is Mr. Federer. Hopefully luck is on his side as well. 

Youngster Borna Coric is looking to make a splash on the tour this year

OVERALL IMPRESSION OF THE MENZ DRAW

There is not really much else to say. The draw is evenly distributed. I really do not think that the bottom half is stacked more so than the top. However, the Melbourne organizers see it fit to place Mr. Federer and Divadal on the same side of the draw AGAIN. Mr. Federer who has made it to the Aussie Open semis or better (4-time Champion here) since 2004 (AMAZING RECORD), always seem to bump into Divadal a lot. Anyway, I think Djoker is the favourite no matter how you slice it. Whether he would win is another matter altogether but he is the one trending in my book. Supposedly, the weather in Melbourne will be cooler over the next two weeks and the courts are playing faster … allegedly. Now this might give Mr. Federer is good chance to claim his 18^th major title but that is still is BIG ASK!

Never count out Divadal. He is on 14 majors and he is looking for number 15 to edge even closer to Mr. Federer in the top major winner category. A win here at the Aussie Open would make him the 2nd man in the Open-Era (open meaning that the sport is open to both tennis professionals and amateurs) to win each major at least twice! Meanwhile, Lochness Murray is desperate to keep his name in the “Honourable Mention” section in light of the top 3 players listed above. He can definitely make the necessary noise here to do so by winning this elusive title. However, for him to get to the final and win this title will require a Herculean effort. I am not sure he has that power.

Mr. Nicky Kripsy Kringles Kyrgios is confused as to what the deal is. He looks like he’s ready for some ratchet fashion shoot in some back alley

I don’t know why Hewitt’s son Cruz is on the court. Seems like daddy has babysitting issues. It is my feelings that Hewitt is not retiring because Becky doesn’t want him home and he needs the money because his old broken body should be home by now

Anyway, I think we can wrap up the menz here for now. I look forward to giving you the “in-depth” coverage from Melbourne!  

Wimbledon 2014: Day 1

What do you mean we can’t get in? WTF??

Well Wimbledon 2014 started without any major news aka gossip to spread beforehand. Everything seemed to be perfect other than the fact that there were more tickets for Day 1 than there were places available. People had to be turned away from the grounds. Or so they said. Anyway, let us get right to the results because I am pressed for time. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO CHECK OUT http://www.ubitennis.com/english/?refresh_ce AND http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/  for a more realistic coverage. However, never forget to stay tuned to RealzTenisFanz for your coverage. We’re on TWITTER and FACEBOOK too. PLEASE COMMENT BELOW and provide feedback.

So the men’s

Lochness Monster is looking to continue his winning ways at Wimbledon

Lochness Monster (3) who was first up on Centre Court, won his opening round match against the lil Goblin David Goffin 6-1 6-4 7-5. The Goblin can be a lil tricky but Nessie handled him efficiently. Clearly Nessie is under a lot of pressure to do well in his home tournament since he hired a Frenchwoman, Amelie Mauresmo to help him deal with his lack of major major success. You do realize that Nessie has been the last 3 “Wimbledon” finals (2 majors and 1 Olympic) So homegurl is really looking to extend this trend. Anyway, Djoker Harlequeen (1) was feeling himself as he totally dismantled Andrey Golubev 6-0 6-1 6-4. Golubev nearly went down 6-0 6-0 but spurred on by the crowds was able to win himself 5 games to make it a respectable scoreline.

Djoker isn’t trying to muck around. He has not won a major since 2013 Aussie Open and lost 4 of the last 4 major finals. NO BUENO. He is coming for this Wimbledon crown

Berdshite (6) overcame a slow start against Victor Hanescu to move through to the 2^nd round 6-7 6-1 6-3 6-2. Of the 153 total points Berdshite won in the match, 75 of them were winners. That’s staggering as that is nearly 50% of his points. Excellent job. Will be interesting to see if the bird brain can keep this up. Anyway, Fake Fire Ferrer (7) also won in 4 sets over fellow Spaniard Pable Carreno-Busta 6-0 6-7 6-1 6-1. Sharapova’s clutch Dimitrov (11) won in straight sets over American Ryan Harrison 7-6 6-3 6-2. A pair of Russians, Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Andrey Kuznetsov, former Wimbledon Junior champion, took out a pair of young British hopefuls, Jamie Ward and Daniel Evans respectively. Youzhny won in straights 6-2 6-2 6-1 and Kuznetsov in 4 sets 6-1 7-5 3-6 7-6.

Are you calling me a douche? No I am calling you Goonie Gulbis

Other seeded players who won include Ernest Goonie Gulbis (12) in 3 tough sets over Jurgen Zopp, Fabio “Mr. Pignini” Fognini (16) over American Alex Kuznetsov in 5 sets, Kevin Anderson (20), BWLLAGWLLAB Dolgopolov (21) and Chin Cilic (26). Baby Ali Tsonga (14) has to complete his match against Jurgen Meltdown. They are locked in the 5^th set. Tsonga looked to have this match on lockdown as he won the 1^st set 6-1 and had early break points in the 2^nd set. However, he lost his way and soon found himself down 1-2 sets. He found his way and took the 4^th set and now they are in a 5^th set. Tsonga up 5-4 and will serve for the match when play resumes.

I need to come back tomorrow?? WTF??

Other notable winners were Roberto Bautista-Agut who won last week’s grass court warmup in Holland, Benjamin Becker who took out American hopeful Donald Young in straight sets 6-4 6-3 6-4, Shark Boy Stepanek who will take on Djoker in the 2^nd round, Marcos Fatdatis who dismissed Dustin Brown aka Dreddy Tennis aka the man who beat Divadal at Halle two weeks ago. Hottie Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem fizzled out as he was knocked by another youngster, Austrialian qualifier Luke Saville in 4 sets. Fellow Aussie Bernard Tampomic is also through to the 2^nd round. The man who beat Mr. Federer last year in the 2^nd round, Ukrainian Sergei Stakhovsky won in straight sets over Carlos Berloq 6-3 6-3 6-3. Not to worry Mr. Federer’s fanz, Stakhovsky is on the other side of the draw far far far away from Mr. Federer. They can only meet in the final and we all know that is very unlikely to happen. Frenchmen Gilles Simon and Jeremy Chardy are also through to the 2^nd round.

Tabasco Verdasco played like ketchup today

By way of upsets, we have Tabasco Verdasco (18) going out to the likes of Marinko Matosevic 4-6 6-4 4-6 2-6. Matosevic is the douche who had this to say about Lochness Monster hiring Mauresmo as his coach “It’s all equal rights these days. Got to be politically correct. So, yeah, someone has to give it a go. I couldn’t do it, though, since I don’t think that highly of the women’s game.” I really expected Verdasco to shut this fool up with a straight sets beatdown but I guess way too much gel in his hair addled his brains or something. Andreas Seppi (25) also went out in 5 sets to Leonardo Mayer 3-6 6-2 6-4 6-7 4-6. Vasek Pospisil (31) was sent packing by Robin Haase in 4 sets. Well these are not real upsets… I guess I should really say, seeded players got “dispersed” and no one really cares.

I wasn’t ready!!!

The Ladies,

Kvitova giving me Grand High Witch face

Things were far more routine on the ladies’s side. LiNaLi (2) of course complicated her life against a qualifier but she pulled through in the end in straight sets 7-5 6-2 over Paula Kania. GHW Kvitova (6) also came through in straight sets over Andrea Hlavakova 6-3 6-0. Other straight sets winners included Vickie (8) 6-3 7-5 over Marijana Lucic-Baroni, Dominika Cibuttkova (10), Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta (12), Lady Gollum Safarova (23) over Julia Georges 7-6 7-6, Elena Vesnina (32), Moaning Mona Barthel and Bjona Jovanovski. I have to say again that I am happy at Vickie is back. However, that serve of hers will be the death of her. She was a mess out there today against Lucic-Baroni. She is lucky that girl…well woman since Lucic-Baroni is 32 was not someone of a higher ranking because they would have been all over those measly serves.

Vickie is back in her pum pum shorts

Granny Vee who just turned 34 last week won her match in 3 sets and before people get on her case saying that she was being messy, I have to say that she was actually playing some decent tennis. Her stats were on point: she got 65% of her 1^st serves in, winning 89% of the points (41/46) and 64% on the 2^nd serve. She was up at net 20 times and won the point 18 of those times. She was 3/3 on break points with 41 winners including 11 aces and 16 errors. I mean those are some healthy numbers. Usually those are some ridiculous numbers like 1/8 on break points etc etc. Hopefully she keeps this up. And speaking of grandmothers, Granny Goodness Date Krumm was coasting against Ekaterina Makarova (22) but then got lost. She was up 5-0 in the 1^st set but could not close it out initially. She won the set 6-3. She dropped the 2^nd 4-6 and was up 2-0 in the 3^rd but unable to maintain the lead. Makarove took the match 3-6 6-4 7-5 and sent Granny Goodness home.

This ugly Spanish itch was trying to come for me!!

I mean seriously Granny Goodness is looking sexy out here… but that knee needs to be replaced

By way of upsets, we have Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) and Slowe Stephens (18). They were both ousted today to provide the tournament’s first upsets. D’Stove has yet to figure out the courts of Wimbledon despite nearly all pundits saying that her game is suited for the grass. She was knocked out in straight sets but Yanina Wickmayer 6-3 6-4. Slowe Stephens who has made decent runs in the draw at the last 6 majors was dismissed by Maria Kirilenko 6-2 7-6. This should not be of no real surprise since Stephens plays pretty poorly on tour. She was expecting her luck to carry her through to the latter stages but it was not to be the case this yr. Another upset came in the form of Coco Vandeweghe who recently won the grass court warm up tournament in Holland. She took out Garbine Muguruza (27) Serena Slayer at the French Open. Muguruza was dismissed from Wimbledon 3-6 6-3 5-7. And speaking of upsets… well more so upset stomach, Vania King aka Sailor Moon aka Saw Clown. This gurl was up 5-0 in the 1^st set only to lose then next….wait for it… the next 12 games to be down 5-7 0-5. She by the grace of God no less took the next three games but unable to deny her opponent Yvonne Meusburger the win 7-5 6-3.

You best take off those sunglasses and try to find yourself a backhand gurl

WTF is happening? This is a major. I don’t lose in the 1st round…

Well that is it for the notable winners on Day 1. Do note that four women’s matches scheduled for today were not completed: Bratzwanska (4), Danish Biscuit (16), Alien v Predator Errani (14) and Kuzi-Rex (28) all have to finish up tomorrow. Tomorrow will also see Divadal, Serenanator, Mr. Federer, the conclusion of Baby Ali’s match, Radwanska matches etc etc.. Hope you enjoyed this posting…

BIG PICTURE SHOW

Definitely some of the Hottest pictures we have had on RealzTenisFanz ever..

Even Berdshite is surprised he looks so good

Wait Realz you were talking about my hair…
No I was talking about the weave not your hair..

Venus giving us Ebony Starr Goddess here!

Look at this Ginger cookie.. I want to eat every crumb

And his name is Cox I swear!!

His name is Pospisil but I like to call him Popsicle.. and we know why..

Firey Ferrer at his best

In a certain light and made pliable with some liquor.. Jurgen Meltdown could definitely get it

Andreas Seppi… would love a sip of this fine Italian win

Pablo Carrena-Busta… I mean the nose aside… he could definitely get it

Robin Haase is a YES

Russian Evgeny Donskoy I mean come on… how can we not say DA to this

He’s a lil frustrated man but definitely a hottie

I don’t know what that finger is for but it is certainly not for number 1 ranked tennis player. Anyway, as always Vickie is a HOTTIE and a lil tongue action, what more can a boy who is into girls want

Kirilenko is serving up fish!! AMAZING

Look at Granny Goodness.. she looks really amazing

Moaning Mona, what is your excuse

She looks like a carrot that has been eaten by a horse..

I must end on Mr. Federer of course

Meanwhile Shaq is as lost as ever..

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 6

Hey Fanz,

Today is going to be a very quick rundown of the score because of time constraints.

Maria is playing herself into major shape at this tournament

Maria Shriekapova (3) took out Alize Cornet (25) who I swear has to be a horcrux of some sorts of Lord Voldemort because she looks a lot like Ralph Fiennes in the Harry Potter Awful movie series. And also Cornet plays like death half the time. Maria raced out to a 4-0 lead before Cornet tried to staunch the bleeding by breaking Maria to only be down 1-4. However, being the witch that she is, we know this break was only an illusion. No way was she going to stage a real comeback in this set. And of course, Cornet gets broken again and Maria served it out to give her the breadstick 6-1. In the 2^nd set, Cornet looked more equipped for the challenge and even had set points on multiple occasions but Maria being Maria did not allow Cornet to have it all her way. Maria took it in the breaker 8-6 points and advances to the Round of 16 6-1 7-6.

YES… I am through to the 4th round on my way to a 3rd title

Maria and Vickie (2) look on course to meet in the semis as the Belarusian just totally dominated Yvonne Meusburger 6-1 6-0. I am happy that Meusburger got to this stage and not Bojana Jovanovski because I am sure it would have been a double bagel if the Serb had got out of the 2^nd round.

Simona Halep (11) took out her opponent quite easily though the 2^nd set was a bit more problematic than the 1^st 6-1 6-4 over Zarina Diyas of Kazakhstan if I am not mistaken. It seemed as though the early ladies matches were all held at Olive Garden because breadsticks were in abundance. Dominika Cibulkova (20) just totally dismantled Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) 6-1 6-0. I was really surprised by this result because I thought Spaniard would have put up a bit more fight on court. However, the Australian heat has never been kinda to this el nino so I guess that explains this bitter result.

Fivehead JungleWitch

8^th seed Fivehead Jankovic took out yet another Japanese player in straight sets 6-4 7-5. Meanwhile, Bratzwanska (5) survived the charge of Anatasia Fattychunkova (29) who was sizzling in the heat and not in the good way. Pavlyunchenkova took the 1^st set 7-5 having been behind for most of it but this effort seemed to have taken its toll on her as she meekly went down 2-6 2-6 in the next two sets. Sloane Stephens (13) also came through for her 2^nd consecutive Aussie Open Round of 16 as she got past Elina Svitolina who was playing some decent tennis worthy of an upset. However, the American proved to be the steadier of the two 7-5 6-4.

In her 2nd consecutive appearance in the 2nd week of the Aussie Open

And speaking of upset, Wozniacki (10) got dumped out of yet another major in the 1^st week of competition. This is her 8^th consecutive major failing to reach the 2^nd week. She took the 1^st set against Spain’s Garbine Muguruza Blanco 6-4 but Muguruza smelt that this was a winnable match and increased the pressure on the Dane. Her efforts were rewarded as she took the match 4-6 7-5 6-3. Danish Biscuit really needs to increase the weights of her groundstrokes otherwise, she will be easy pickings for the rest of the field.

The Danish Biscuit crumbles yet again in the early stages of a major

On the men’s side, Divadal (1) needed little effort to dispatch of Beetlejuice. As a matter of fact, Divadal took the educational route by taking Beetlejuice to Sesame Street to learn his numbers for he was schooled on court. Divadal took the match 6-1 6-2 6-3. Beetlejuice I hope you can find your way back from Sesame Street and hopefully you pick up some effective action plans and discipline along the way.

Let’s count… 1 ball for me, 3 sets for me and no more bullshite from you!!

Yes I get it….

Lochness Monster (3) has got himself a pigeon in the form of FeFe Lopez (26). Lochness Murray just proved to be more resourceful and more consistent on the court and thus took the match in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-2. I feel that Lopez is a top ten player but again like Beetlejuice, I am not sure he has the discipline and commitment to put in the work. Anyway, looking like that, I really do not think he is mostly concerned about his tennis balls.

I am just hot..what more can I say

I might be ugly but I am sure playing pretty tennis right now

Mr. Federer (6) also won in straight sets 6-2 6-2 6-3 over Gabashvilli. I really like what I saw in the match. However, things are going to get considerably difficult from here on end as he is set to face Baby Ali Tsonga (10) in the next round as the Frenchman dismissed his countryman Gilles Simon (18) also in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-2.

Tough road ahead for me

YESSS I get Mr. Federer in the 4th round…

If Mr. Federer is to get through this match, he will surely face Lochness Monster in the quarterfinals as Nessie has a “Lucky Loser” as his Round of 16 opponent. Stéphane Robert who failed to qualify for the main draw got in as Philipp Kohlschreiber pulled out of the tournament, faced another LL Martin Klizan who got in when Nicolas Almagro pulled out as well. However, when these two fortunate souls faced each other for a place in the next round, it was Robert who proved to be luckier. He played safe, smart and at times very brilliant tennis to take the match 6-0 7-6 6-4. This is a wonderful opportunity for the Frenchman who at 33 is in his 1^st major Round of 16 albeit that his luck is about to run out against Murray.

I bet you any money he is listening to Beyonce’s new album

Kei Nishikori was all samuri like against Young…

The other three men’s matches featured a bunch of young up and coming players…well mostly players who have been labeled as potential future superstars of the game. So far though, not much have materialized from any of them but one can hardly blame them as this era in tennis is a very very difficult one to make huge impact on the court. Milos Raonic (11) aka Dennis the Menace was just dismal against Grigor Dimitrov (22) aka Mr. Sharapova to you. Raonic is relying on his big serve far too often which is simply a one trick pony move. Dimitrov on the other hand has far more variety to his game and so far this tournament has been showing steady improvement under the new tutelage of Roger Rasheed. Dimitrov took the match 6-3 3-6 6-4 7-6.

Grigor

Dimitrov… because sometimes, you’re just that hot and get more than one pic

My what big mouth you have…. all the better to —- you …:-)

This match interestingly enough proved to be the only 3^rd round match in the top half where the winner did not win in straight sets. The other two matchups were basically blow outs. Kei Nishikori (16) just utterly destroyed Donald Young on court 7-5 6-1 6-0. Young really needs to get new coaches or at the very least some assistance in the coaching department. His parents have taken him as far as they can. If he really wants to be in the top 20 and I honestly think he has potential to do so, his parents have shown that they are not capable of taking him there. In the final match, Roberto Bautista Agut also dismantled Benoit Paire (27) 6-2 6-1 6-4. I expected a greater effort from the Frenchman but I guess he was drained after his 5^th set encounter with Nick Kyrgios in the 2^nd round.

Time for a drink…

Anyway, this is what draw has shaped up to be in the Men’s top half and the Women’s bottom half for the Round of 16 matchups

Divadal (1) takes on Kei Nishikori (16)
Mr. Sharapova (22) v Bautista Agut
Lochness Monster (4) v Robert (LL)
Mr. Federer (6) v Baby Ali (10) (Interesting)

Vickie (2) v Stephens (13)
Bratzwanska (5) v Muguruza Blanco
Maria (3) v Cibulkova (20)
Fivehead JungleWitch(8) v Halep (11)

 

I don’t know what is going on here but something tells me that it is no good…

 

The Federer girls…waiting for daddy… so sweet…

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 5

It is hot as Hades down under

So it is still hot as hell in Melbourne but play still continues. It seems that Melbourne is experiencing the extremes of weather conditions; wicked sun during the day and rains/lightening/thunder at nights. Hopefully cooler weather prevails because the schedule is kinda backed up (particularly for the doubles events) and also these conditions are TERRIBLE.

Are they using Berdshite’s H&M shirts to clean up… I rightly agree with this one

Anyway before we go any further, we should clear up some matches from Day 4 which were not necessarily covered…well they were not completed at the time of the publication of Day 4.

I wonder if Realz is going to give me some respect this year

33^rd seed Bojana Jovanovski is simply a mess. I am never backing this girl again. She is not ready for the big league. She could have barely held herself together after winning the 1^st set (which was messy) against Yvonne Meusburger from Austria. The Serb went down in 3 sets 6-3 3-6 2-6. If there are fans waiting for this potential star to shine, they should cast their telescopes elsewhere. This “star” has faded. Meanwhile, on the men’s side, Andy Murray is through to the 3rd round. No real surprise there. However, what was surprising was the fact that his opponent Vincent Millot of France got to a 5-1 lead in the 3^rd set. This was an incredible achievement on his part considering he is only like 5’8” To say that Millot fizzled at this point is an understatement. Millot just rolled over and let Lochness Monster @$$ raped him on court. Lochness Murray won 23 consecutive points. Now who does this? Really Millot, you could not even make it interesting on your own serve? WTF? I can’t. Lochness won 6 consecutive games to take the set and the match 6-2 6-2 7-5. Millot on the other hand should go eat shite and die. This is just utterly unacceptable. Had this been on the WTA, the papers would have been all over this madness but of course it is the ATP, so furor over this as far as I am aware. AND I am sure it is part of the highlights reels.

I don’t know what had happened…I lost in the 2nd round. No me gusta

Anyway, as if that wasn’t bad enough, Del Potro (5) and Verdasco (31) decided that it was more important to lose than win their 2^nd round matches in 5 sets. I mean Delpo, you lost to some journeyman Spaniard, Roberto Bautista Agut. Who is he?? You went out 6-4 3-6 7-5 4-6 5-7 to him? This is not the Spaniard who was supposed to give you issues. I can’t with nonsense from these top players. I am no longer factoring Delpo to win another major. Beast Boy has turned into some mere shadow of himself. He dare not say it is the wrist injury. It is high time he makes some serious decision about his game and put in the work to get back into major contention. Losing in 2^nd rounds of majors is not going to help at all. Verdasco..well not like he has been doing much as of late but he has had success here Down Under…he  lost to Gabashvilli who I thought had retired from tennis. Anyway, let us get to Day 5 results because Day 4 is making me mad.

I am winning this here match today!!

I almost forgot, there was also the late matchup of the 28^th seed Benoit Paire (my paramour) and Nick Kyrgios of Australia by way of Greece. Anyway, Kyrgios won the first 2 sets 7-6 7-6 and homeboy started to feel himself. As old people would say where I am from originally, “He started to smell his own balls” and thus felt he was the man. And of course the crowd was giving him all that energy. But I guess they forgot that Paire could play tennis and I am sure better tennis than Kyrgios who got a WC to enter the tournament. Boo Boo Benoit got his life together and beat that cocky stance from Kyrgios as he took the match in 5 sets 6-7 6-7 6-4 6-2 6-2.

My paramour Benoit showing these young upstarts who is the boss…at least in the 2nd round

So the Serenanator (1), Carebear Kerber (9) and Penne Pasta Pennetta (28) all made quick work of their opponents. The sun was brutal though less so than the day before. However, no one is trying to be outside for more than they need to at this point. ReRe subsequently defaulted from her 1R doubles match. Well the official reason is because Venus had some kinda thigh issue but we all know the real reason is the sun and ReRe needs to focus her singles tournament. I should mention that Serena Williams now has the all time record for singles victory at the Aussie Open getting to 61 moving past the great Margaret Court who in her era basically owned this tournament. By the way Margaret Court is on my shite list for her very public views on gays and gay marriage. This is a very nice accomplishment for the American. ReRe 6-3 6-3 over Daniela Hepburnova; Carebear Kerber 6-3 6-4 v Alison Riske of the US and Penne Pasta Pennetta 6-1 7-5 against Moaning Mona Barthel.

The Serenanator is trying to deal with this heat and through to the next round

Ekaterina Makarova (22) who took out Venus Williams in the opening round is showing herself to be in good form at this year’s open when she took out Monica Niculescu in straight sets 6-4 6-4. Meanwhile, Canadian Eugenie Bouchard (30) is showing great potential as serious contender as she confidently took out American Lauren Davis 6-2 6-2. And speaking of potential future stars, Aussie Casey Dellacqua beat Jie Zheng in straight sets 6-2 6-4. Zheng was definitely feeling the heat today. Dellacqua moves through to the Round of 16.

Lady Gollum was on it at the beginning of the match

There were two big key match ups yesterday LiNaLi v Lady Gollum Safarova and Ivanovic the Terrible v D’Stove Stosur. First up was LiNaLi v Lady Gollum Safarova. Li started poorly or perhaps it was just that Safarova started very well but the 4^th seed found herself down a set and struggling to hold serve in the 2^nd. So it was no surprise that Lucie was serving for the match 5-3 in the 2^nd. However, Safarova blinked and that was all LiNaLi needed to get her life together. She even saved match point as Safarova became a little too cocky on her groundstrokes, going for broke on every shot. LiNaLi got the 2^nd set to a tiebreaker and dominated to take it to a 3^rd set. Safarova started well enough 2-0 but only won 1 more games of the next 7 played. LiNaLi lived to fight another day 1-6 7-6 6-3. Lucie will feel this loss as it is her 7^th consecutive loss to the Chinese player. Lady Gollum you had your chances for this precious win but you dropped it and lost it. I am sure it did not help matters that her ex Tomas Berdshite was the next match up on court and his model girl was in the stands.

LiNaLi survives another day

Tomasz only likes winners like me..

In the other big match up Stosur v Ana, this one I figured was going to be really interesting because the winner faces the Serenanator but more importantly, these two former 1 time major winner, are both struggling for some resurgence in their careers. They are both languishing in the lower half of the top 20. They have yet to reclaim that form that guided them to 2 major finals and 1 major win. So I figured that this would be a real contest and for the most part it was. Rain did not help matters but as per the norm, Stosur disappointed. She took the 1^st set but in the 2^nd set, allowed her “backwardhand” to be overplayed. Her kick serve is not so effective against a player of Ana’s height and comparing forehand to forehand (the main arsenal in both of these players’ games) Ana’s is the better. However, we all know the major issue with Ana is whether Ivanovic the Terrible will show up on court and spoil matters especially since the crowd will be fiercely for Sam.

Big match up… battle of the forehands

Sam served for the 1^st set 5-4 but was broken which led matters to the tiebreaker where Sam took it. Rain came and halted play. When things got under way in the 2^nd set, Ana looked to be the more aggressive and took the set 6-4. In the 3^rd set, Ana found her range and exploited that backwardhand of Sam to the fullest and took the set and the match 6-7 6-4 6-2.

So the Round of 16 in the top women’s half has been set..
ReRe (1) v Ivanovic the Terrible (14)
LiNaLi (4) v Makarova (22)
Carebear Kerber (9) v Penne Pasta Pennetta (28)
Bouchard (30) v Dellacqua

It is HOTTT

On the men’s side of the draw, things were mostly routine.  David Fiery Ferrer (3) took on Jeremy Chardy (29). Things started relatively simply for the Spaniard as he took the 1^st set 6-2 but then Chardy broke in the 2^nd set and serve for the set. However, the Frenchmen did a spectacular job of choking to give Ferrer back the upper hand in the match. Ferrer did not relinquish his hold and took the match 6-2 7-6 6-2.

Berdshite also won in straight sets knocking out a qualifier. He is playing nicely enough and might be a contender here but we all know what happens when you put pressure on this Czech… he falls apart like a dainty flower. Other straight set winners were Florian Mayer who easily dispatched of the 20^th seed Jerzy Janowicz. I did not realize that Jerzy was dealing with a broken foot… well recently healed broken foot and was advised to not play the tournament. He was unprepared something he freely admitted. He went against it and look at the result. Mayer won 7-5 6-2 6-2. In the end Mayer was merely conserving energy because Jerzy was no contender. I wonder what sparked this mad decision because athletes have to know that their bodies are not indestructible no matter how invincible they feel. What Jerzy did was totally reckless in my opinion and his team should be admonished for this. With his limited mobility and the desert heat, I hope he does not do some irreparable damage to his physical body. It is obvious that there is brain damage by this foolish act. Was this decision driven by money?? Who knows…

Yeah I feel the choke coming up from my stomach

And speaking of madness, Frenchman Eduardo Roger-Vasselin let go of a 2-0 sets lead over 19^th seed Kevin Anderson. Roger-Vasselin was up 6-3 6-4 against the hard serving South African but it seems after that, Vasselin was more like vagisil because his game needed a midol. He just capitulated and the South African had his way with the match taking it 3-6 4-6 6-3 7-6 7-5. There are so many talented Frenchmen all of whom just dim in the spotlight. They are usually good and at times brilliant but they are all about showboating. They have no discipline. They are not ready for the big times. Granted that this current era of tennis has seen not one or two great players but THREE as well as a 2^nd fiddler who is good enough to be 1^st chair violin ever so often. It is hard for those on the outside to break into the top. Of course Roger Vasselin was not the only Frenchman to choke to death out there; Richard Gasquet (9) had to get in on the action. He was up on Robredo (17) in the 1^st set 6-2 and you thought that Gasquet was really going to take this match but you know these Frenchies, they are never comfortable with a lead. At times, it seems as though they are allergic to being on top. They only want to be behind and that was where Gasquet found himself as he continually allowed Robredo to dig into the match and get more comfortable. Thus an upset took place and the 17^th seed moves to the 2^nd week of a major 2-6 7-5 6-4 7-6 over Gasquet.

I am trying to stop the choke from coming out

YESSS I didn’t get bageled!!

Anyway, other winners include Djoker Harlequeen who was quite efficient in his dismissal of Denis Istomin who I think has a bright future ahead of him just so long as he keeps working hard. Nonetheless, his time was not last night as Djoker took him out 6-3 6-3 7-5. A sorta surprising result for me was Fabio Fognini (15) (resident hottie here at RealzTenisFanz) straight sets win over Sam Querry 7-5 6-4 6-4. Yes Fognini is ranked higher but I expected Sam to give a better fight; to be far more competitive. This was a golden opportunity. However, Sam Querry’s performance capsulate in a way what is wrong with American men’s tennis…. Actually American tennis in general; there is just no imagination, no guts and no multi-dimensionality (if I might use that word) to their games. Everyone can spot the strategy from the jump and they know exactly what they are getting from their effort. No surprises in the least. At the US Open there is a little flair in the 1^st week but rarely do they make it to or past the Round of 16. This was a winnable match for Querry, yet he went out meekly. Maybe I am being too harsh but anyway, who would have thought that Donald Young would be last American man standing? He takes on Nishikori (16) tomorrow so that should be an interesting matchup and Young legitimately has a chance here but I have no real expectations that he will get the job done.

Fabulous Fognini

So the Round of 16 matchups for the bottom half are:
Berdshite (7) v Anderson (19)
Mayer v Fiery Ferrer (3)
Wawrinka (8) v Robredo (17) Wawrinka got a bye into the 4R when Vasek Pospisil pulled out.
Djoker Harlequeen (2) v Fognini (15)

Again I have to stress how Easy Bake Oven Harlequeen’s draw is. I mean seriously what is Fognini going to do? Even more pertinent question is whether Fognini will even show up for the match. He has been known to default and just collect the cheque.

Anyway, the rest of these matchups should be delightful enough for even the pedestrian fans.

Yeah it was no competition gurl….

Yeah you better put that face on ice gurl because Tomaz don’t want you anymore!!

A piece of ice just fell between my girls

I think I got it

OMG OMFG FeFe Lopez I want this for my birthday, breakfast, lunch and dinner!!!

Double scoop of chocolate!! I have to say that Beetlejuice don’t look so bad next to Dreddy Tennis

Australian Oven 2014: Day 4

It is HOT HOT down under!!

Hey fanz! I hope some of you got to read Day 3 post and if you have not, I hope you do so today. Well the Aussie Oven was one of extremes yesterday. The place was on fire and play had to be suspended. The EXTREME HEAT RULE was put into effect. All courts with roofs will be closed after the current sets and play will resume indoor. All play on outside will be suspended after current sets to await a drop in temperatures. When play resumed after the heat break, the thunder and lightning ensued, suspending play again. This seriously messed up the schedule. So it would be that I would have posted this and some matches would have not been completed. As I right there are several matches taking place on other courts which usually would not be seeing play at this late hour.

My crotch is on fire!! Save me!! Save it!

I need the ice in my body, in my veins to keep cool

She was hallucinating

Anyway, in the heat, Maria Shriekapova pulled through a tough match against Karin Knapp of Italy. Maria has been struggling this major. Usually she handles these no namers in convincing fashion but these last 2 rounds showed her to be less than stellar. Anyway, she won the 1^st set 6-3 but sloppy serving handed Karin the 2^nd set. Maria served for the match 5-4 in the 3^rd but then soon lost her way as the Italian broke back and held serve to be up 6-5. Maria now had to serve to stay in the match. She did so three times to get to 8-8. It was at this point Maria got herself together to break and serve out the match 10-8. In her final service game, Maria double faulted 3 times. This kinda play will not serve her well against the likes of Vickie or the Serenanator. Maria 6-3 4-6 10-8.

I will take the win even if it wasn’t pretty

Vickie won her match in straight sets 6-1 6-4. Danish Biscuit (10) had an up and down match against American Christina McFail… I mean McHale. McHale got bagelled in the 1^st set and then came back to take the 2^nd 6-1. But I know McHale, I know that surge in energy was too good to be true. She was going to let me down in the 3^rd and she did not disappoint. She lost the match 2-6 in the 3^rd. McHale has been on the tour long enough now to be getting on better in these types of matches. She is acting too often like an amateur. I know she had “mono” recently but that is no excuse to be acting like a “dodo” on court. She you can do way better than this.

I thought someone got rid of this Foo!!

An interesting matchup took place between Camila Giorgi and Alize Cornet. Cornet won the match 6-4 4-6 6-4. However, she only hit SIX winners as Giorgi committed SEVENTY THREE unforced errors. The Italian gifted this match to the French. This is madness. Giorgi should be spanked around court. Cornet on the other hand will face Maria who I am sure will not spare the opportunity to punish those weak shots of Cornet. Watch out for a bagel/breadstick sets.

OMG I won! I won! I won a 2nd round match!!

Other winners include Simona Halep (11) who shone brilliantly in the sun whilst her opponent Varvarne Lepchenko faded in the light. The American won the 1^st set 6-4 but won only 1 game for the next 13. She couldn’t deal with the heat. Carlo Navarro-Suarez (16) came from behind 2-5 to take the match 8-6 in the 3rd v Galina Voskoboeva. Meanwhile, Elena Svitolina made good on her upset of Kuzi-Rex by taking out Aussie wildcard Olga Rogowska 6-4 7-5. Radwanska (5) is also through to the 3^rd round as are Fivehead Jankovic (8) Dominika Cibulkova (20) and Anastasia Fattychunkova (29). All won in straight sets. Sloane Stephens (13) had a tougher time in her match. She was down a set 3-6 v Aija Tomljanovic but reeled off 7 straight games to take the 2^nd 2-6 and being up 3-0 in the 3^rd. However, the heavens open up and Stephens lost her way. The Croat took the next 5 games and served for the match 5-3. However, she lost her way at that point and dropped the next 4 games. Stephens won 3-6 6-2 7-5

WTF it is going to rain now?? The weather goddess is definitely menopausal

On the men’s side of things, fewer matches have been completed at this point. Divadal got through his match rather quickly 6-2 6-4 6-2. Mr. Federer also got through in straight sets but he sorta took a scenic tour in the 3^rd 6-2 6-1 7-6. Nishikori (16) and Monfils (25) also came through in straight sets.

Beetlejuice will do battle against Divadal in the 3rd round!!

Hotness …. Bellucci and Baby Ali… a delicious combo if there ever was one

Baby Ali (10) got past Thomaz Bellucci who can be a tough customer especially with this heat. Ali came through in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-4. I hope Bellucci gets his life together soon. He is HOT and he can play decent tennis. He deserves to at least be on the cusp of winning a major. Milos Raonic (11) aka Denis the Menace, Grigor Dimitrov (22) aka Mr. Sharapova former Mr. Serenanator also came through in straight sets as did FeFe Lopez (26). This top half is LOADED with talent. It is going to be “epic” matches to get through to the next round.

Donald Young…going cookoo for this Coco Puff

Hot matchup of the day is Donald Young v Andreas Seppi (24). So much hotness on the court… the temperature went up 20 degrees with these two on court together. Young took the 1^st set 6-4 but dropped the 2^nd 2-6. Seppi loves marathon matches but Young took the 3^rd 6-3. However, Seppi was determined to get this to a 5^th set at the least and he denied Young the chance to close it out in 4 by taking the 4^th set 6-4. The heat rule went into effect. I was so mad at Young because he had this on his racquet and these kinda opportunities have been rare in his career. Nonetheless, upon return Young got his life together to take the 5^th set 7-5 and thus the match. EXCELLENT on his part to make the 3^rd round of another major.

Don’t worry boo I got you

It must be noted that 2 lucky losers are through to the 3rd round here at the Oven… Stephane Robert of France and Martin Klizan of Slovakia. Congratulations dudes for not wasting your opportunities and make that paper as much as you can now!!

Currently going on is Chin Cilic struggling inexplicably against Gilles Simon. DelPo getting it together to close out the match in 4 sets.

Lochness Monster is ready to try and win another major

Update: Lochness Monster pulled through is match 6-2 6-2 7-5… being down 1-5 in the 3rd he won 23 STRAIGHT POINTS. Gosh the French can be so annoying. Millot you couldn’t even win one more game. WTF?? Meanwhile, Chin Cilic and Simon are in a 5th set. Cilic got breadsticked in the 4th set.

See what happens when you pay some people compliments… I just said her outfit last time was nice… now look at this mess??

So hot even my boobs are watering

Jesus all I want to be right now is that mist on Janowicz body…Yes Lord make me into a droplet of water… You turned water into wine. Surely you can turn man into mist. Let me run all the way down his chest and back to get his heaven….

Australian Open 2014: Day 2

Really? You really cannot be that hot if you are wearing scuba gear outside. It must be your brain that is on fire

Well folks thus far we are definitely on track with the postings so I am indeed excited about this fact. However, I have to share a bit of misfortune for me. Now, everyone that knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with tennis. I am obsessed with tennis, opera and the Olympics…..yeah and also going to the gym (Only Goldilocks is checking for bears!) I always make it a point to mention my passion for the game of tennis as well as the fact that I have a blog. I always shamelessly try to get RealzTenisFanz out there as much as possible. So imagine my surprise when I am talking to a co-worker recently about the fact that I love tennis. She expressed her genuine shock at the fact that I love tennis for she is friends with a member of Djoker Harlequeen camp. She use to be a former supermodel working with the likes of Claudia Schiffer etc….She was big though not huge in the supermodel sense. She is a good-looking woman and her model shots are AMAZING but I digress. It gets better people… She added “You should have told me because he is always offering me tickets to the US Open! You should have told me because I would have given you the tickets! He is always offering me but I never go”

To say I was flabbergasted is not even the word. WTF? WTFF? WTMFFF?? Is she mad? Is she INSANO! How could she not know? I mean seriously, HOW?? I had to walk away because Satan was whispering evil violent things in my ears and I was ever so inclined to obey. I could not deal because for me, this was no excuse. I could not believe I was so close to being in the players’ box to wear my RealzTenisFanz T-shirt, be on TV, get publicity for this prestigious publication and be famous. I could have even been the lucky charm that Djoker Harlequeen needed to deal with Divadal on that day of the finals. And I missed all of that because of her ignorance. Can you believe the madness of the world? UTTER MADNESS! Needless to say, she was on my shit list all day long. However, come 2014, you know Realz is cashing in on this hook up!!!

Anyway, let us get to Aussie Open action. Wait, I forgot…well I was not that I forgot but it seems as though I missed this news altogether. My former model friend informed me of this. Djoker Harlequeen hired Boris Becker as his coach! Oh my berries, things are getting serious. I mean I figured that things would have to change up with Djoker as for the past 2 years, he has missed some key opportunities in at majors namely, French 2012/2013, Wimbledon 2013, US Open 2012/2013. I mean he has been a mess in big tournaments. However, I always felt that it was his faults not a coaching failure but what do I know. So he takes on a famous former big name player in his coaching corner. Marian Vajda will be taking a backseat and travel with Djoker to limited tournament. Apparently, he was influential in picking Becker as his replacement. Meanwhile, Mr. Federer hired Stefan Edberg to be in his box. We all know that Lochness Monster Murray has Ivan Lendl to help with matters. While all these former glories are trying to light up the paths for current players, Divadal has tired ole cheating Toni Nadal who I do not even think was a professional player himself but yet is kicking all these asses royally. “Isn’t this ironic?” (Alanis Morissette) There is a saying I like saying that I believe that I have coined myself; A good Mathematician isn’t necessarily a good Math teacher.”

Yeah I do not know how effective I can be but I know I would see my name more often in the papers. (Boris Becker, Djoker’s new coach 6 majors)

Mr. Federer and his new coach Stefan Edberg (6 majors)

Lochness Monster and Ivan Lendl (8 majors)

Divadal and Uncle Toni (0 majors) Just beat those bitches with their major titles

Let’s get to the results:

So the day was HOT! It was SCORCHING!! Melbourne was on fire. It was approaching near record temperatures on the grounds. I think this girl below does a way better job of expressing the heat conditions than I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8lXYWXJfHQ

Anyway, Vickie (2) was not having it at all. She looked lethargic, bothered and bloated. I do not know if it is just me but she looks out of shape. However, she is getting the job done when needs be. She took out her opponent in straight sets though it was far from a routine victory 7-6 6-2.

I cannot deal with this heat

On the other hand, Caroline Wozniacki (10) aka Danish Biscuit, wasted no time on court as she ousted her opponent 6-0 6-2. Simone Halep (11) also trashed her opponent 6-0 6-1. Dominika Cibulkova (20) took out former French Open winner Francesca Schiavone in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Francesco has been hitting tough times lately and might soon be playing qualies to be getting into tournaments. Maria Shriekapova playing the last match of the day took out Bethanie Mattek-Sands in straight sets though it was a messy affair 6-3 6-4.

Danish Biscuit was baking

Other straight sets winners include Slaone Stephens (13), Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic (8), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) over American Vania King, Anastasia Fattychunkova (29) and Bojana Jovanovski (33). Bratzwanska (5) made it through in 3 sets as did American Varvara Lepchenko. She will join fellow American Christina McHale in the 2^nd round.

Was Sloane endorsed by Bic Higlighters or the Las Vegas strip? She is just bright even for her own eyes!!

There were no major upsets though some seeded players fell by the way. Kuzi Rex (19) lost in straight sets to Ukrainian Elena Svitolina 3-6 3-6, Sorana Cirstea (21) also lost in straights as Kaia Kanepi (24) got bounced in 3 sets.

Interesting ladies match up for Day 3 Sam Stosur (17) v Tsevtana Pironkova (night session), Sabine Lisicki (15) v Monica Niculescu. Be prepared for pending upsets here. The Serenanator and LiNaLi will also take the court. It is suppose to be another scorching day tomorrow so be prepared for retirements, medical timeouts and possible fainting.

Keeping it chill!

On the Men’s side, Mr. Federer opened his campaign for a 5^th Aussie Open title. Maybe it was the heat but I am not liking for Mr. Federer is looking these days. I know Mr. Federer is 32 and that he is not the Mr. Federer of 2005-2009. However, Mr. Federer is playing erratic/senile tennis. Those balls are landing very short in the court. At times there were flashes of brilliance but other times it was just banality of the highest order. Maybe I am being far too harsh as this is my main how. The thing is it that Mr. Federer is struggling against players of no mettle, merit or might. James Duckworth was giving Mr. Federer a run for his money. The Aussie was playing rather well within himself and it was mere luck and happenstance why he did not manage to pickpocket a set from the Swiss. At the very key moments of the match, Duckworth started to play Fuckworth tennis and Mr. Federer just seized his chance. It was not pretty but it passed and Mr. Federer is through to the 2^nd round 6-4 6-4 6-2.

I got through the day!! Mr. Federer what’s with the pants pattern? They fit nicely though

 Mr. Federer is sitting all hung packing his balls in more than his bag. No wonder Mirka is pregnant again. Fed be laying it down

In other news, Duckworth was not the only Aussie man to be sent packing as this major is near douche free when Hewitt and Tomic were ousted in the 1^st round. I could not be more ecstatic. Tampomic retired after the 1^st set against Divadal (1) with a “groin injury” I want to say something nasty about this matter but it is far too vile even for Realz to repeat. It does not matter to Divadal, he is through to the 2^nd round and on his way to his 2^nd Aussie Open title.

Yeah I am feeling more douchey than usual. Of course I am going to retire, why waste my time out here. I can be home in time to watch Maria’s match.

However, this was not the best result, Rusty Hewitt lost his match in 5 sets. You know how he loves the heroics and to be screaming Come ONs all over the place. He clashed up against Andreas Seppi (24) my sweet sweet Italian sausage and dropped the first 2 sets 6-7 3-6. It is at this moment when Hewitt often shines and he did not disappoint taking the next two sets 7-5 7-5 and he did so at the latter stages of those sets as both times, Seppi failed to hold serve to go to a tiebreaker. So in 5^th set, Seppi returned the favour by breaking Hewitt in the 12^th game to take the set and the match. G’day Mate!!! Yes.

Baby Ali is looking ruff and tuff with his Afro puff

Baby Ali (10) went through in straight sets as did Lochness Monster (4) Feliciano FeFe Lopez (26) and Monfils aka Beetlejuice (25). Del Potro Beast Boy (5) won in 4 sets. This is why Del Potro finds difficulty winning another major. He is in the early stages of matches, monkeying around and wasting energy. Why is he in a 4 set battle against Rhyne Williams? Who is Rhyne Williams? Other 4 set winners include Fernando Tabasco Verdasco (31), Milos Raonic (11) and Grigor Dimitrov (22) who is now working with Roger Rasheed former coach of Monfils. I am excited by this news. I hope Grigor produces better results this year. He has a lot of potential. Kei Nishikori (16) is another one of those players who is not efficient at majors. He won a 5 set battle to move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, Gilles Simon (18) beat my boo Danny Brands 16-14 in the 5^th set to move through to the next round. Young Americans Donald Young and Jock Sock also move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, fellow American John Isner had to retire after 2 sets with an aggravated ankle injury.

Nice to see Donald Young winning a major match

Radek Stepanek aka Shark Boy retired in the 4^th set after winning the first 2. I guess he is protecting his body as he has doubles to play. He is the defending US Open doubles champ. Smart man about the money.

Interesting matchups tomorrow for the men.. Sam Querry v Ernst Gulbis and Nikolay Davydenko v Richard Gasquet (9). I looked at the schedule and saw that Matthew Ebden (Aus) will play 28^th seed Vasek Pospisil (Can) is in the 2^nd match for the night session at the Rod Laver Arena. Ebden is currently ranked 67 in the world. Are they fcuking kidding me? What kinda a bullshit is this? This is like the warmup act closing the show and the main event came on only for sound check. Australian Open better check their nationalism madness at the door. Not even at the US Open will I see a Jock Sock or Donald Young night match UNLESS they are playing one of the big boys! Ain’t nobody have time for this.

Hope you enjoy!!! AND SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT REALZ TENIS FANZ!!

PICTURE SHOW: Treasure Chests!!

Divadal is giving that camera man in the back some action

Berdych showing us his pecs

Alejandro Gonzalez of Colombia getting in on the action

Kei Nishikori

Fognini

Oh Fogging Fognini

Boo can I do that for you??

But tennis players have nothing on these guys..

Cullen Jones… I want to be a water droplet right now

Ryan Reynolds…Blade Trinity… that’s all I got to say…

 

US Open 2013: Day 5

US Open at Night is electric!!!

I am so sorry that this edition of the blog is kinda coming to you late very late. I really had to catch up on sleep. Typically, I am able to do some of the ground work for the postings during the day. However, because of “work related issues” I have to do everything in the evenings/nights. Anyway, I do sincerely apologize. I am really trying to do a complete coverage of this major. It seems like this year I am having no luck. Twice I have been offered tickets to the Open and twice I could not get to them. It is no big deal. The weather has been so inclement though play has not been delayed for several days now. However, when it rains at the stadium, it becomes a very hot/humid situation. Everyone is everywhere. And it is very expensive out there with the adult beverages being really good. It might not be a good look for me at all.

Poor Laura Robson was not having a good day

Anyway, let’s get to the tennis. On the ladies’ side of the draw, there was not much of an upset. It was a relatively quiet day. LiNaLi faced off against Laura Robson who knocked her out of last year’s Open. However, LiNaLi was not having deja-vu as she just dismantled the Briton. Laura was having a bad day at the office. Every lead she had was quickly surrendered and LiNaLi kept her wits about here and spanked her down to the ground 6-2 7-5.

I’m gonna take a drink for you Laura… cheers

Wimbledon finalist Sabine Lisicki also lost in straight sets 4-6 5-7 to Ekaterina Makarova who has also enjoyed an inexplicable win over the Serenanator (Aussie Open 2012). She is always good for at least one upset at the majors. She is a very dangerous floater and has that nasty lefty swing with a down the line shot that can be deadly. However, Makarova is a Russian, so you know how that goes. One minute they playing like tennis gods and the next, they are a mess from hell.

Bye itch… bye bye

Sloane Stephens won her match up against fellow American Jamie Hampton with relative ease 6-1 6-3 and will face now another American, the Serenanator. The Serenanator had to play the late late night match, taking the court just before midnight. She had a tough test from the Russian/Kazak Yaroslava Shvedova but the Serenanator hung tough 6-3 6-1 to move on.

Yes! I’m on it! I am definitely on it tonight!

Now, there has been much talk of the Sloane/Serenanator match up. Interestingly enough, they have only played twice. 1-1. The Serenanator’s lost came at the Aussie Open quarters after she had just beaten Sloane a couple of weeks prior in Brisbane (If I am not mistaken). In their 1st match up, Sloane stated that the Serenanator’s grunts were disrespectful. When she won, she spoke of how Serena is an idol/mentor etc to her. There was for me a moment in her post match fevour where Sloane seemed to have suddenly got way ahead of herself. She came off as a tad bit cocky…well cocky is not the word I want to use here but for me, she just same the wrong thing though I cannot recall exactly what she said. I think it was something to the effect of taking down Serena’s photo in her room and put up hers. I was like “Gurl, you have not arrived as yet. There is a lot more to go.” I chalked it up to post-big-win euphoria. However, things got very complimacated later in the year when in an interview, Sloane went all in on the Serenanator. She was like a manic woman on a mission to the looney bin because the interview was totally out of control.

Wait Sloane is trying to come for me??

“She’s not said one word to me, not spoken to me, not said hi, not looked my way, not been in the same room with me since I played her in Australia,” Stephens says emphatically. “And that should tell everyone something, how she went from saying all these nice things about me to unfollowing me on Twitter.” [Boo, Maria and Serena do not hang out in the same circles. I assure you of that. They do not hellos, byes or even the casual nods across the room from each other. I do not know who you think you are, Ms. Just Come on the Scene to warrant girlfriend status with the likes of the Serenanator]Her mom tries to slow her down, but Sloane is insistent. “Like, seriously! People should know. They think she’s so friendly and she’s so this and she’s so that — no, that’s not reality! You don’t unfollow someone on Twitter, delete them off of BlackBerry Messenger. I mean, what for? Why?” [Because I don’t have anything to say to you. You speaketh nonsense! Aint’ nobody got time for that!]

No she didn’t just say that!!!! She said all that? Gurl she went all in on Serena’s @$$

I guess this unfollowing happened after Serena twitted, “I made you” after the Australian Open match. I have to admit that this might have been directed at Sloane who was acting quite full of herself and failed to mention that she got dusted by Vickie in the next round. Serena was not a nice person she mentioned. Sweetie, I do not know which bylines you have been reading but no one thinks the Serenanator was valedictorian from Ms. Muffy’s Charm School. She related some ridiculous story of how at age 12, she waited with a group of young tennis fans to get autographs from Serena and Venus and in the end she did not get one despite them walking by her several times. She took this personal. Even her mother, as noted by the interviewer, was like “Gurl are you for real with this nonsense.” Sloane, I was up close and personal with Venus and Serena and they did not give me an autograph. GET OVER IT. Sloane did not stop there. She was going for the jugular. She disavowed any notion that she looked up the Serenanator and emphatically noted that Kim Clijster was her fav. (LOL oh Sloane gurl, you were really feeling yourself.)

Ooops I said all? Oh gawd I had verbal diarrhea!!

Now this is relatively old news. However, the press ran with this as I think there was a lot to the story in that one player was really calling out another. Moreover though, this Serena/Sloane drama is even more intensified by the fact of their age difference representing the past/present/future of women’s tennis, their being black and that they are the top 2 American females. It is a “black cat fight” and nothing the American press likes to see but black/black crime PLUS the added feature that it is two women going at it. They American press wants drama because in the end it is a win/win situation for them. Sloane win this match, “She is the future, She dethroned the reigning tennis queen, etc etc.” If Serena wins, they get to pull out the Serenanator monster/revenge headlines etc etc. This is for them a rivalry because the Serenanator/Maria or Serenanator/Vickie is really nothing to write home about. The Serenanator own them both. It should be noted that subsequent to Sloane’s lil rant, she backtracked and apologize for her behaviour. She and the Serenanator have squashed the incident but the press will not leave it alone.

Guess who showed up for a doubles match. Ms. Hingis but she got knocked out

Anyway, the other winners include, Carla Suarez-Navarro who is intent on making no attempts whatsoever to be girlish on court. Suarez Navarro knocked out Jie Zheng who had taken out Venus the previous round. Interestingly enough, Carla beat Venus in the 2nd round of a major as well in 2009 Australian Open. JJ aka Jelena Jankovic aka Fivehead Jungle Witch won as did Angelique Kerber, Aga Radwanska who has been getting some very very early matchups. She has played all of her matches 1st thing up on court.

1	S. Williams	6	6
	Y. Shvedova	3	1
23	J. Hampton	1	3
15	S. Stephens	6	6
	J. Zheng	2	4
18	C. Suarez-Navarro	6	6
3	A. Radwanska	6	7
	A. Pavlyuchenkova	4	6
24	E. Makarova	6	7
16	S. Lisicki	4	5
30	L. Robson	2	5
5	N. Li	6	7
25	K. Kanepi	0	4
8	A. Kerber	6	6
9	J. Jankovic	6	7
	K. Nara	4	6

Del Potro in the house!!! Looking for make another run to the US Open title

On the men’s side, things were also routine and that includes Juan Martin Del Potro just showing his ass on court. I swear, I expected bigger things from Del Potro but it seems he is determined to be a one hit wonder. He played Hewitt and after a slow start of dropping the 1st set, he smashed his way through to win the next 2. However, if you are familiar with Del Potro’s style of tennis, it is quite languid, lackadaisical and lovely all rolled into one. He can be deftly powerful and then do some of the dumbest things ever on court. For a huge man, he does not allow himself to be limited by any part of the game. Although, he has had recent niggles with that wrist of his, he can still acquit himself quite well. But against Hewitt, he just became a mess. He allowed Hewitt to get away with murder with that horrid serving of his. Hewitt barely makes 1st serves. In the end, Hewitt knocked off Del Potro and really put a monkey wrench in my US Open predictions. I mean I did not really make predictions but I mean Delpo was supposed to have bagged this match easily.

D for Del Potro… D for Disappointment

Anyway moving on from this mess of a match: other winners include Marcos Baghdatis, Wawrinka, Mikhail Youzhny who I must say has had some good results here, Tomas Berdych and of course the two giants, Andy Murray and Novak Djokovic. Like I said not much going on here except Delpo losing. I almost forgot that Tommy Haas won his match. However, check out the results below.

I am here to reclaim my US Open title and no one is going to stop me

1	N. Djokovic	7	6	6
	B. Becker	6	2	2
12	T. Haas	6	6	7
	Y. H Lu	3	4	6
	L. Hewitt	6	5	3	7	6
6	JM Del Potro	4	7	6	6	1
3	A. Murray	7	6	3	6
	L. Mayer	5	1	6	1
	D. Young	5	3	4
	F. Mayer	7	6	6
	D. Kudla	6	6	3
5	T. Berdych	7	7	6
	A. Dolgopolov	5	1	3
21	M. Youzhny	7	6	6
	J. Nieminen	6	3	6	3	4
	J. Sousa	1	6	3	6	6
	E. Donskoy	6	6	3	4	6
	P. Gokowczyk	3	4	6	6	3
	T. Kamke	4	2	2
	D. Istomin	6	6	6
	A. Bogomolov	6	6	6	4	4
	T. Smyczek	3	7	2	6	6
9	S. Wawrinka	7	7	6
	I. Karlovic	5	6	4
20	A. Seppi	7	6	7
	S.Dewarman	6	4	5
31	J. Benneteau	6	6	6
	J. Chardy	4	3	4
	M. Granollers	3	4	6	6	7
	R. Ram	6	6	2	3	5
	M. Baghdatis	6	6	6
17	K. Anderson	2	2	2

Hottie Daniel Evans coming out to practice

Hottness Denis Kudla

Colin Fleming….Very nice

Joao Sousa from Portugal… DELICIOUS with the scruff and all

Donald Young is always in agony. I think I know of relieving the pain Donald…

Dolgopolov is just a hot mess with that face… He really needs to get active with the ProActiv

I kid you not…Hewitt had the trainer come out on court to wipe his mouth… like WTF is that all about?

OMG did the trainer just come out to deal with his herpes??? That’s just NASTY….I’m so not playing mixed doubles with him

US Open 2013: Day 2

Things are well on their way at the Open. Day 2 was favourable weather

This entry is going to be a very very quick one. I am trying to stay on top of everything out here and really trying to discipline myself to be more focus because I lose a lot of time. So on Day 2 nothing of consequence happened per se. The USTA and the weather allowed all scheduled singles matches to be played including all incomplete matches from Day 1. I am not sure about the doubles event but then again, I hardly check on that end of the tournament. Some interesting results on the men’s side: Americans Jock Sock and Donald Young are through to the 2nd round. Young decimated his opponent, dropping just 2 games in the entire match and Sock was holding his own against an ailing Petzschner and got through when the German finally retired down 2-5 in the 3rd set.

Hold the applause please! I have a lot of catching up to do at this year’s open

By the way, while I have your attention, let me just say this. Mr. Federer is ranked 7 in the world. Yes 7 as in the number after 6 and before 8. Whenever I hear the number 7 and Mr. Federer in the same sentence, I think they are talking about 17 major titles, or 7 Wimbledon titles or even winning 7 matches at a major to win the title but never 7 and his ATP ranking. You know my heart almost failed. However, Mr. Federer has had a miserable year thus far. I think he may have won 1 title and his 2nd round loss at Wimbledon after being the defending champion coupled with his dismal performance in Europe thereafter to find his confidence. What he found at Gstaad and Hamburg were beatdowns at the hands of players he ordinarily eat up for a snack. He lost to Divadal in 3 sets in Cincinnati. So if there is ever a time Mr. Federer needs a miracle, it is here in NYC at the Open and you know I would be right here praying along with him.

Will it be the Djoker or Djuggernaut who shows up at this year’s US Open?

Lurch

Beetlejuice is BACK!!!

The usual suspects on the men’s side came and conquered. Mr. Federer of course, Djoker who was looking as polished as ever, Milos Raonic of Canada even Sam Querry  and John Isner got things going their way. Other winners include Tomas Berdych aka Lurch and Tommy “Head and Shoulders” Haas. Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice is looking fit as fiddle as he breezed through his match 6-1 6-2 6-0. Hopefully he is fully back on the tour; no injuries and no foolish heroics on the court.

Nicolas Almagro yet another wayward on tour since the dawning of Divadal

Undoubtedly there were those who saw it fit to slow the party. Jerzy Janowicz, the 14th seed, who I had high hopes for at these championships was ailing with his back and was dismissed in 3 sets. 28th seed Juan Monaco and 15th seed Nicolas Almagro were also bounced early from these games. Monaco may have been hurt but as for Almagro, this result is simply indicative of the sucky level of play he has been producing for a while now. I do not know what his deal is but he needs to get his life together.

I almost forgot that Mr. Sugapova, Grigor Dimitrov lost in 4 sets to a Portuguese hottie Joao Sousa in 5 sets.

I don’t know if it is too much sugar in his diet but Mr. Sugapova needs to his life together. He also needs to burn his shirt because it is giving me a seizure right now

See Men’s Day 2 results below.

T. Kamke	64	6	79	6
S. Johnson	77	4	67	2
N. Djokovic	6	6	6
R. Berankis	1	2	2
J. Vesely	2	2	78	5
D. Kudla	6	6	66	7
T. Berdych	6	6	6
P. Lorenzi	1	4	1
J. Monaco	4	2	0
F. Mayer	6	6	3
B. Becker	6	3	6	6
L. Rosol	3	6	3	4
D. Young	6	6	6
M. Klizan	1	0	1
N. Almagro	3	1	6	3
D. Istomin	6	6	4	6
T. Haas	6	6	6
P. Mathieu	4	4	1
J. Sock	77	3	5
P. Petzschner	62	6	2
Y. Lu	6	77	6
D. Gimeno-Traver	4	65	3
R. Federer	6	6	7
G. Zemlja	3	2	5
S. Giraldo	3	6	78	4	2
C. Berlocq	6	3	66	6	6
S. Querrey	77	4	6	6
G. Pella	63	6	1	2
R. Dutra Silva	4	3	711	6	712
V. Pospisil	6	6	69	2	610
J. Isner	6	6	6
F. Volandri	0	2	3

On the ladies side, things were also relatively quiet. Of course Petra Kvitova was dropping a set to some no name but she found herself and won in 3 sets. Petra has played 60 matches for the year and literally half of them have been 3 setters. It seems as it is all very true that she and Radek Stepanek are now an item. Petra I am telling you gurl, do not be a stupid itch….Leave that penis alone. It is addling your brains and clearly affecting your game. Soon he will have you barefoot and pregnant.

Oh Petra! Petra! Petra! Gurl get your life together

Vickie just killed her match as she double bagelled her opponent as did Sara Errani. Rumour has it that Errani and her doubles partner Roberta Vinci have a falling out. Leave it to women to always spoil a good partnership over some stupid bullshit. Anyway, there were some interesting match ups on Day 2 including Christina McHale v Julia Georges. The American won in straight sets 6-4 6-3. I think it is time we call off the search party who is looking for Julia to find her way on tour. We can officially call this one a non-factor at this point. Georges simply does not have what it takes to make a big name for herself. She is coming off as mediocre to the nth degree; scarcely worth mentioning these days.

Vickie I do not know who told you this lil number was a good idea but I’m gonna have to correct that let you know, this skirt is an EPIC FAIL. Go back to the pom pom shorts

Anywho, another interesting match was Bojana Jovanovski v Andrea Petkovic. They both share similar ethnic background who different nationalities. Petkovic is trying to find her game again but she will have to look for it elsewhere because it is not going to be found here at this year’s US Open. Bojana was all over her 6-2 6-4 in this match and Andrea just made far too many unforced errors.

Roberta, we spoke about making these faces outside in public. This is not okay! Look what you did to Daniela

OMG, I’m a gonna throw up

Some other winners of the day included Roberta Vinci, her countrywoman Flavia Pennetta, Daniela Hantucova, Ana Ivanovic who looked surprising not terrible in her 1st round match and also Moaning Mona Barthel. There were several upsets including that of the 20th, 17th and the 11th seed; Nadia Petrova, Dominika Cibulkova and Sam Stosur respectively. Nadia we are not really surprised that she lost and in straight sets too, which perhaps might be the only unexpected bit. However, she has been well off the plot for a long long time. Cibulkova, she can be either very hot or very cold. She knows no mid range and obviously she was very cold at this late summer slam. Sam Stosur on the other hand. Well, I do not even know what to say about her. She has great success here at the Open. She beat the Serenanator in 2011 and convincingly too but these days she is off in the outbacks of her mind. However, this summer, I thought she was getting her life together. She beat Vickie in California and for sure, I said, watch out for Sam at the Open. But you know how Sam is. She does everything to defy all expectations of her.

Victoria Duval in action against Sam Stosur

She played the young and upcoming American Victoria Duval who got her @$$ handed to her by Kim Clijsters in her last win at the Open in 2012. However, this year, Duval made sure she was not going to serve as a prop for Sam’s performance. She found Sam on every single point throughout the match and it paid dividends for her. She showed her “immaturity” at many stages of the match but in the end, she showed a level of steely nerves that I hope will carry her through to bigger and better things. She won 5-7 6-4 6-4. The last couple of games in the match were particularly tough but she held on. I can only hope that the US media does not kill this girl with hype.

This will undoubtedly be one of the memorable moments of this year’s championships. Victoria Duval. Now can we all agree to protect her from the crazy US media hype?

Anyway here are most of the ladies results.

2		V. Azarenka	6	6
		D. Pfizenmaier	0	0
21		S. Halep	4	6	6
		H. Watson	6	4	2
27		S. Kuznetsova	6	7
		M. Burdette	3	5
		S. Peng	6	6
		Y. Meusburger	3	4
		T. Pironkova	3	3
		A. Riske	6	6
		A. Wozniak	7	77
		V. Dolonc	5	65
		D. Vekic	77	4	6
		M. Duque-Marino	65	6	2
28		M. Barthel	6	6
		J. Larsson	1	4
11		S. Stosur	7	4	4
		V. Duval	5	6	6
4		S. Errani	6	6
		O. Rogowska	0	0
20		N. Petrova	3	4
		J. Glushko	6	6
		M. Sanchez	5	2
		D. Hantuchova	7	6
		C. Scheepers	2	6	6
		C. Simmonds	6	2	1
17		D. Cibulkova	4	3
		E. Svitolina	6	6
		M. Lucic-Baroni	4	4
		S. Vickery	6	6
26		A. Cornet	6	6
		M. Koehler	3	2

 

This is how you look when you on court and stuffing your face with a double bagel. (Vickie’s 1st round opponent)

See this is how Ivanovic The Terrible and I are always at odds with each other. She should be concentrating on her on court game instead of holding court with these men who have absolutely no interest in tennis and are just thinking about how they can pitch a “group play” session with all 4 of them to her

Can we just for a moment talk about this piece? WTF? is that a panty outline/silhouette on this thing? I mean seriously?

Rory has to shield his eyes from this filth

Maybe this is sleep deprivation at work here but I swear, Monfils is looking more put together….less Beetlejuicish here

Oh yes… Daniel Evans is shirtless… yessssssss

You know he’s thinking about me right here

See we have a problem here. This bushy tail rat got tickets to the US Open and I don’t. WTF??

2012 French Open: Day 3

And the Serenanator’s batteries are draining!

What a day! What a day! O What a day! Who would have thought or even predicted this outcome. The Serenanator was knocked out of the 1^st round of a major by the likes of Virginie Razzano? Really? 6-4 6-7 3-6! The Serenanator was 2 points from victory and let it slip away. I knew the demons might resurface despite her coming into the French with excellent preparation. But I did not think they would appear so early. Unfortunately, this frantic-form Serenanator is becoming all too common place in majors. 2012 Australian Open, 2011 US Open, 2011 Wimbledon and 2009 US Open. It is almost like an alien force takes over and the Serenanator is making errors left, right and center. At times, it looks like some cruel puppetmaster took over discombobulating the 13-time major champion.

Like I know what the fcuk went on out there! You saw the match, you tell me? And wouldn’t you know who was there?

Frigging Eva Asderaki. I’m about to get a restraining order because this is getting ridiculous now. Eva: Let’s see who is ugly on the inside now?

This is definitely not the Serenanator that the world has come to respect. Nevertheless, the Serenanator should not feel any shame in this loss. All of the greats have suffered surprising first round defeats (Steffi, Navratilova, Hewitt, Federer, Hingis even her sister Ebony Starr). However, Serenanator, I do offer you this bit of advice, you need to talk to a sports psychologist about this issue. What I am seeing on court is totally a psychological issue and not a physical one. I am not sure if anger is making you lose focus or perhaps you are choking on the big stage (as improbable as that may seem) or your layoff from that injury created bigger self-doubt that we could imagine. Whatever the issue, you are a brilliant tennis player and there are majors left within you. So please, get this bit sorted out quickly. I know how disheartening this is for you because you wanted this so badly. Nothing in life is guaranteed though. Simply play tennis and find the joy for still being in the game.

An ecstatic Virginie Razzano. Congratulations on your win!

Anyway in other results, Francisco Schiabone (14) is back at her favourite tournament, the French Open. The 2010 champ faced off against another “old foot” Kimiko Date-Krumm aka Granny Goodness. In some respects, I was hoping that this match would be interesting but it really was not. The Italian came through 6-3 6-1. Schiabone is coming off a recent tournament win in Strasbourg and is certainly playing herself into form.

Can she make it to her 3rd consecutive French Open final?

Another major winner, reigning Wimbledon champ Kvitova aka GHW (Grand High Witch) looked to have found herself as she dismissed her opponent 6-1 6-2. GHW seemed to have been under a spell as of late, losing inexplicably in tournaments and despite being Number 4 in the world, she has not been in a single final for the year. Also looking impressive was Shriekapova whose odds of winning this thing increased ten folds with the Serenanator gone. She just ripped her opponent 6-0 6-0. Danish Biscuit looked solid as well as she moved through to the 2^ndround just dropping a game. Krazilenko (16) won as did Kaia Kanepi aka Telly Monster’s sister, Heather Watson of Great Britain (I really hope she can build her game up to be a contender in the future), the German Julia Goerges (25) and Anastasia Fattychunkova (22) of Russia.

Au revoir Serenanator!

Now while I have a few moments here, I just want to single out a loser here at the French, that being Anna Keothavong of Great Britain. Now, for diehard tennis fanz, the name Keothavong may sound familiar to you because you are thinking of James Keothavong who incidentally is Anna’s big brother. Now Anna has been a regular feature on TV. Mind you, we are spared full coverage of her matches but interestingly enough, she is always mentioned in highlight reels. I think it has more to do with her looks than say her tennis.

Chair Umpire James Keothavong

Anna Keothavong

Anna has played in 20 major main draws and won a total of 6 singles matches. Unfortunately, this was not 6 matches in a row and she has only won two matches in a row ONCE! She gets a wild card into Wimbledon for over a decade if I am mistake and I has won something like 3 matches there. In doubles, she has played 15 doubles tournament at majors and won two matches but I am not even going to judge her on that because she had help being sucky at tennis. The reason why I am talking about Anna is because I want her to stop playing tennis. Really! Rarely do I tell people to give up your passion. I want to make an exception here and beg Ms. Keothavong to consider a career change. See, the thing is that it is not like she does well on the tour and perhaps just choke at majors. Nope! The truth is, she has been most successful at majors because she makes more money there. It is just that Anna Keothavong sucks at tennis. Well actually no, I suck at tennis. Anna Keothavong sucks at professional tennis. Wimbledon some years ago decided that they were not going to give her a wildcard into the tournament. They cited her lack of success at the tournament and felt that they had extended more than enough consideration to Ms. Keothavong in hopes that she can win some matches at the tournament. However, since she was not winning anything, they wanted to give it to someone else. Of course, Ms. Keothavong got mad and I believe in the end, she got it. She lost 1^st round if I am not mistaken. If I am wrong though, she did not win more than a match that year. My real point is that Anna Keothavong just need to get her life together and either decide if she is going to be committed to the sport and make a last charge for self-respect, or just get the hell off the tour to allow a new crop of players to come throu. It is just ridiculous. Granny Goodness Krumm is doing a lot better than Ms. Keothavong. And what gets to me the most is that every major after she is just dispatched, she gives this sick puppy smile as if to say, “I tried my best.” NO you did not. You are wasting people’s time here. Maybe you should follow in your brother’s footsteps. Anyway enough about this loser.

Just pack your shite and go! Looking like a bloody canary!

On the men’s side, Divadal came out blazing! The three clay court tournaments he won this season really kicked up his energy level as he is firing on all cylinders in Paris. He took out his Italian opponent 6-2 6-2 6-1 and the truth is that he has looked the most impressive of the top 4! None of them look as in form as the Spaniard and if the finals were to be played today, Divadal will beat the other top players back to back to back.

Divadal is just slaying opponents on court

Anyway, speaking of top players, Lochness Monster took out his opponent quite easily 6-1 7-5 6-0. Other winners include Richard Gasquet (17), Baby Jesus Juan Monaco (13), Sexsarevic (8) aka Janko Tipsaveric, Fiery Ferrer (6) and Mikhail Youzhny (27) who took out James Blake in straight sets (I was not aware that Loser Blake was still playing tennis. I assumed that he had quietly retired from the sport).

I didn’t even know he was still around!

Some interesting results. Grigor Delicious Dimitrov took on Delicio Young. This was a tough one for me to route for as I think they are both delectable. Anyway, Delicious Dimitrov took out Young in straight sets 7-6 6-1 6-1. Young really needs to get his game up to the next level and real fast too. He can be delightful to watch. Anywho BWLLAGWLLAB (16) lost to his countryman Sergiy Stakhovsky in 5 sets. Meanwhile, Ivo Karlovic who statistically has the best serve in the history of tennis, lost to Eduardo Schwank of Argentina. Now it is not the fact that he lost but the fact that there was no tie break her in any of the sets and got bagelled. 4-6 0-6 3-6! Anyway, this concludes Day 3 action. I mean my head is still reeling after the fact that the Serenanator is gone! WTF? This might prove an ominous sign for this French Open for sure.

RTF BIG PICTURE SHOW!

Hotties

Don’t need a translator to say that this is just hotness! Sexsarevic!

Yummy Young!

Delicious Dimitrov

Krazilenko might not be all there but she is krazy hot

Oh Bolelli you have bowled me over

Notties

And someone just unleashed with the ugly stick on this one…Look away look away

It’s a good thing you cannot see her face completely. It is not a sight for sore eyes

What a handsome girl

You think you are hot but you are not. Stop saying what I say. You’re ugly! Stop it! You’re son/boyfriend a douche! Bitch!

Mixed Bag

I am about to beat a itch down out here! (Serenanantor, I don’t want to upset you anymore than you already are but the I’m not feeling the outfit. You look like a Girl’s Scout chocolate mint cookie. Just one of the many things that wasn’t working for you out there.)

You all can just kiss my @$$

Siblings?? Razzano

And Marcos Fatdatis

Get your balls out of my face

Tweety bird!

Skeet! Skeet! I make it rain

All Divadal fans be talking about this ass more so than his tennis leads me to believe that we can conclude that this is indicative of his personality, No?

 

Aussie Open 2012: Day 3

Vickie Barcelona is charging through the field like a bull

Well Vickie Azarenka is on a war path and she is dispatching of her opponents with a vengeance. Twice she was looked spectacular at the Aussie Open 2009 and 2010, only to meet the Serenanator who through perhaps luck as well as her prodigious skills, snuck passed the Belarusian to subsequently win the title. Now, Vickie is on the other side of the draw and cannot meet the American until possibly the final. Therefore, she can be calm, cool and collected about her these championships. She played the Australian Casey Dellacqua and Vickie was simply brutal to the crowd favourite. It was almost with disdain she finished her off 6-1 6-0. Perhaps she meant to not let the native daughter win a game or simply to prove her superiority but she just pounded on that girl like she had just slapped her mother. Whatever it was, Vickie Barcelona Christina is looking stellar and the rest of the field or at least in the top half should do well to pay close attention because Vickie is not fcuking around this year.

Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic is still floating around in the draw

Well Radwanska who I swear look like a Bratz Doll got through her match quite easily unlike in her first round match. Danish Biscuit who had no talk of wrist injury this time around as far as I am aware went through easily as well. Other top players who made it through were LiNaLi, Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic and Mommie Dearest who showed her usual early round brilliance when rolled over her opponent 6-0 6-1. German hopeful Julia Goerges also won her match as did her countrywoman Mona Barthel, a virtual unknown who came through qualifying last week to win Hobart (a warm tournament) continued to show fine form as she too made it to the 3^rdround.

Which hair spoilist thought that this was a good look for Mommie Dearest??

By way of upsets, Schiabone was knocked out in straight sets 4-6 3-6 by her fellow Italian Romina Oprandi. There was no fight at all from the 10^th seed Francesco and I was happy for it really. I am just sick and tired of seeing her running around the court and making those ridiculous asthmatic sounds and you know I am hardly one to ever complain about the “ladies” grunting. Anyway, 16^th seed Shuai Peng lost to Benesova whilst American Christina McHale booked her place in the 3^rdround with a 3 set victory over Erakovic. That takes care of the ladies.

Mr. Divadal looking good thus far

On the men’s side, Mr. Federer had a very light day at the office as his opponent Andreas Beck of Germany pulled out of the match before the start. So Mr. Federer is in the 3^rd round. Mr. Divadal did not break much of a sweat as he took out German Tommy Haas aka Head and Shoulders in straight sets. Lurch aka Berdych looked to be going out early against his opponent but he just swung around and pummeled him in the next 3 sets. He too is in the 3^rd round as are Del Potro (11^th seed) aka Beast Boy, Fefe Lopez, Ivo Karlovic (a dangerous floater) Kevin Anderson (30^thseed).

Is it just me or it looks like he is wearing foundation??

There were several marathon matches later on in the day as Nicolas Almagro (10^th seed) fought off a charge from young hottie Grigor Dimitrov. Dimitrov just had nothing left in the tank for the 5^thset and went out 0-6. American John Isner aka Big Friendly Giant (BFG) outlasted David Nalbandian who had the match on his racquet. Nalbandian allowed himself to get sidetracked by a very questionable call by the umpire and let several break points go.

BFG is through to the 3rd round

Alexandr Dolgopolov (13^th seed) aka boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy, he pulled through in 5 sets as well though I think it was a lot of wasted energy on court. He could have easily wrapped up the match but seems willing to play around on court. If he wishes to crack the top 10 and remain there, he will need to increase his sense of urgency on court as well as be far more efficient in his game. BFG won his second 5 set match 10-8. His fellow Americans Sam Querry aka the Grinch and Donald Young both attempted to put up a fight against their opponents but both lost in 4 sets. Mardy Fish (8^thseed) also lost as he went down in straight sets to Columbian Alejandro Falla 7-6 6-3 7-6. A very disappointing result I am sure.

Alejandro Falla of Columbia

I am a skinny itch now....let me see you hate on my body

However, I think it is time we accept the fact that Fish is not the next American hope in men’s tennis. I feel that he has got to as far as he will get in his career. He chose to lose the weight and take tennis seriously far too late and this year for sure will see his ranking plummet. And as we are talking about fatties, in the battle of the tennischubbies, Wawrinka vs Fatdatis, the Swiss was able to pull out the victory in the end despite massive crowd support for the Cypriot.

Wawrinka and Fatdatis. There is cake over there... let go get some

Now Fatdatis made it to the finals I believe in 2006 or 2007 where he was handled by Mr. Federer. He has since then made it to the semis of Wimbledon but has yet to come close to such achievement. Instead of gaining more match skills and maturity, he gained weight. He opted for the food court instead of the tennis court. The same can be said of Wawrinka. Look at those moobs on his chest; he needs a brossiere. However, the match was rather entertaining because Wawrinka has one of the sweetest one handed backhands you would ever see on the tennis court. Anyway, this match would gain infamy for something else. Take a look,

What really got to me though is not his behaviour; Fatdatis never struck me as someone with any sort of class. However, it is the fact that the chair umpire said nothing until he broke the 4th racquet and the media response to this is as if this were some mere joke and Fatdatis is being “eccentric” in some manner. Earlier that very same day, David Nalbandian in a fit of rage in his match against American BFG, threw his racquet and almost hit a lines judge. The umpire said nothing. I have long stated that the Grand Slams are harsher on women than they are on men and had this been the Serenanator, the newsreels would have been on fire. And while I am talking about this, can TV commentators stop talking about the women “noise level” Mr. Divadal and D’Joker are always grunting throughout their matches and I have yet to hear a soul say shite about it.

That’s it for results. Enjoy the picture show…..

Daniela Hepburnova is working the camera this major for sure

Dimitrov is simply delicious

I think Almagro is leading the ATP from behind. I dare say, he given has Divadal licked

Might I make a suggestion as to where you can lick m'am??

I don't want to be mean but that's a very unattractive woman in the black. She must have a winning personality

Fatoli pumping those fat tubes

Again, what's with this shirtless frat boyz business?? Gaynesia has definitely become an epidemic

Ahhhh m'am, I think you might need a bathroom break.

Check out my fierce walk gurl!!