2015 Australian Open: Womenz Preview

I am so happy to not be out there in the hot sun this year!

The Womenz Draw should be very interesting this year. For first time in a good while, Serena Williams is not the name of the favourite to win this tournament. Mind you, that is not to say that people are discounting the American. No, far from it. They simply think there might be others willing and capable of taking this major crown. In fact, Williams despite being the 5-time Australian champion is less favoured over Simona Halep (3) who apparently many feel is the sure bet winner. I am as confused by this as you are. I really cannot offer any real reason behind this logic other than to say since Halep is one of the 128 women signed up in the main draw, she, like each of the other 127 women do stand a chance of winning the title. That is the best I can do with this information.  

Someone tell ReRe that she is gonna need a hair net because I ain’t trying to eat none of that hair in my cake. (I am gonna pretend like I didn’t see those hair edges looking like a seaside cliff all rough and rocky)

Anyway, this 2015 season is just over 2 weeks old and there have been many oddities. Serena did not play a real tournament coming into the major as she has done in recent years. She was the two-time defending champion in Brisbane but she opted not to play that tournament for Hopman Cup, a mixed exhibition tournament. She made it to the finals with partner John Isner having struggled all the way there. Serenanator was well off her game though many say not to read much into this. Nonetheless, she got bagelled by Penne Pasta Pennetta, Bouchard clocked and snatched her wig winning in straight sets 6-1 6-2 or something like that and then struggled past Safarova. In the finals v Bratzwanska she was messy like a public bathroom. Again, one should not read much into this they say. I for one think that a Serena going into the Aussie Open full of confidence makes for a problematic Serena. Last three years 2012-2014, she was the heavy favourite and each year saw the American leaving Melbourne empty-handed. Hopefully this year brings greater fortune.

Serena didn’t come this year and I finally got the Brisbane title

In her absence, Martha (2) picked up the Brisbane title seeing as she lost to Serena there the last two years. Anyway, Shriekapova avenged her Cincinnati loss to Ivanovic the Terrible (5) in the final. Martha, the 3-time finalist and 2008 Champion is definitely looking to pick up another Aussie title. Simona Halep like I said is also inexplicably in my book, garnering a lot of attention. Many feel that she can take the crown here. She won a title in Shenzhen and then signed up to play Sydney. She pulled out thankfully citing injury. I do not understand why Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug thinks she has to play week in and week out. It is just not that serious.

Simona Halep aka Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug with her Shenzhen trophy

GHW Kvitova with her Sydney trophy

Who eventually won Sydney was GHW Kvitova (4) who lost to some Bascinzsky girl in straight sets in Shenzhen in the first week. I do not understand how that happened myself but I saw the match so I can tell you with much certainty that it did happen for real. So Kvitova is coming into a major having played two weeks of tennis. I am not her coach so again I am clueless as to logic behind this bit of madness. Look I am not trying to shade Petra here or anything like that but I have this slight observation. Petra be playing so much tennis yet she is not the fittest lady on tour. I do not get this but clearly it is not for me to get.

Granny Vee with her Auckland trophy and moist hairdo

Anyway, while we are on the subject of fitness, spare me a moment of your time to talk about Ebony Starr aka Granny Vee aka Venus Williams (18). Venus returned to Auckland this year having lost in last year’s final and again made a very decisive run this year to take the title. She faced her sister’s supposed BFF Caroline Woz aka Danish Biscuit (8) for the title. Venus who has never lost to the Dane was en pointe after dropping the opening set. So Granny Vee is also coming into this tournament with a lot of steam behind her name. Meanwhile, Agatha aka Bratzwanska (6) got herself a new coach, the one and only Martina Navratilova. So a lot of buzz is behind Agatha now because the perennial bridesmaid is looking to finally be the bride and win a major. Martina thinks she can do this. I have my doubts about this. Anyhow, so Aga beat Serena at the exhibition and the ESPN cronies were beside themselves; “It’s the Martina influence!” Then Agatha went to a real tournament and lost her opening match. Is this Martina again? I just sipped my tea because if I say something people will say I am a hater. So I am going to keep quiet on this matter.

Anyway, in other really big news on the women’s side is the fact that the number 1 ranking is up for grabs amongst Serenanator, Shriekapova, Koolaide Jug and GHW (Grand High Witch. I am not being mean here at but sometimes Petra be reminding me of Anjelica Huston from The Witches. Check it out and comment below if you agree and/or disagree). Anyway, the top 4 ladies all have a chance to be number 1 depending on how far they each go and how well the others do.

Wait what? We can all be Number 1 at the end of this week? NO only the Top 4 and just in case you’re unclear about this Caro, that means, ReRe, Martha, Simona and Petra! Because some of you look like you can’t count … No shade Genie

Let’s get to the main reason why we are here: the Draw Breakdown. Like the menz, we will be doing the same thing; breaking down the main draw into halves, then quarters and finally eighths.

2015 Australian Open Top Womenz Seeds
Top Half	Bottom Half
1. Serena Williams (Serenanator/ReRe)	2. Maria Sharapova (Martha/Shriekapova)
4. Petra Kvitova (Grand High Witch)	3. Simona Halep (Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug)
6. Agnieszka Radwanska (Agatha/Bratzwanska)	5. Ana Ivanovic (Ivanovic the Terrible)
8. Caroline Wozniacki (Danish Biscuit)	7. Genie Bouchard (Nothing has stick yet)
11. Dominika Cibulkova (Cibuttkova)	9. Angelique Kerber (Angie/Carebear Kerber)
12. Flavia Pennetta (Penne Pasta Pennetta)	10. Ekaterina Makarova (Not worthy)
13. Andrea Petkovic (Not worthy)	14. Sara Errani (Alien v Predator/ETranni)
15. Jelena Jankovic (Fivehead Jungle Witch)	16.  Lucie Safarova (Lady Gollum)
18. Venus Williams (Granny Vee/Ebony Starr)	17. Carla Suarez-Navarro (Nothing has stick yet)
19. Alizé Cornet (Lordlize Cornemort)	21. Shuai Peng (Not worthy)
20. Sam Stosur (D’Stove)	22. Karolina Pliskova (Not worthy)
24. Garbine Muguruza (Not worthy)	23. Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (Fattychunkova)
25. Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (Not worthy)	27. Svetlana Kuznetsova (Kuzi-Rexi)
26. Elina Svitolina (Not worthy)	28. Sabine Lisicki (Lose-sicki)
29. Casey Dellacqua (Not worthy)	31. Zarina Diyas (Not worthy)
30. Varvara Lepchenko (Not worthy)	32. Belinda Bencic (Not worthy)

 *Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person!
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

Serenanator (1) v GHW Kvitova (4) Top Half

Should they reach they both reach the semis, it should be an interesting match

Serenanator (1) v Danish Biscuit (8) Quarter

You best get your life together because you know everyone is gunning to take you out

Serena’s Section Eighth: At the end of the day, it has to be said that the only real bother that Serenanator has is herself. She is quite capable of decimating the entire field without a pause. She is really that good. However, as has been quite evident in her career, she allows herself to get in the way of herself (if that makes any kinda sense to you). Serena’s B game and/or C game is still capable of beating most of the tour. The thing is that, at majors, many of these women are no longer allowing her to get away with an average performance. Serena herself admitted last Wimbledon that she has to come out blazing because there are girls/women out there who come into a tournament just to play that one match of a lifetime to beat her and then get dismissed the next day. She knows that if she wants to win majors, it will require two weeks of focus, determination and great tennis.

Thank heavens we are seeing no more blonde Remi weave

With that said, the American should get to the 4^th round no problemo! Svitolina (26) an up and coming Ukrainian is her potential 3^rd round opponent but I see Serena getting past her without much of a headache. However, we thought that this would have been the case at Wimbledon and the French Open last year and Serena did not get out of the 3^rd round of either of those tournaments. And speaking of those tournament, both Lordlize Cornemort (19) [beat her in the 3^rd round of Wimbledon] and Garbine Muguruza (24) [beat her in the 2^nd round of the French Open] are in this quarter. Serena may face Muguruza in the 4^th round if the Spaniard takes out Fivehead Jankovic (15) in the 3^rd round. Serena will only face Cornemort if the Frenchwoman can get to the quarterfinals; something she has yet to do in her 35 previous appearances at majors.

Do I look bothered by the fact that Muguruza and Cornemort as in my section of the draw? No really do I look bothered because I am not sure if I am at all.

Woz is desperately looking for her 1st major title

Danish Biscuit’s Section Eighth: This is a rather interesting section as Woz opens her campaign for her 1^st ever major title facing young American Taylor Townsend who might be going places in the world of tennis. Nothing would be better for the American than a solid win over a top ranked player. Nonetheless, I think Woz will win this. The really interesting thing about this section is that the 2^nd round opponent for Woz could be 2-time Aussie Open champion, Vickie Azarenka. Vickie is coming off injury and has virtually missed an entire year, so her rankings are not where they could be. Vickie will face Slowe Stephens in the 1^st round, a re-match of 2013 semifinals and 2014 4^th round here in Melbourne. This is a MUST SEE MATCH I think. So Woz has a lot of dangerous floaters in her part including Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (25) in the 3^rd round and either Cornemort (19) or last year’s finalist Cibuttkova (11) in the Round of 16. After getting past all this, Woz might face Serena for a chance to play the semis. She is basically in a mind field; so many potential places for it to all blow up in her face.

2-time champion here in Melbourne is also desperate to find her winning form coming back from injury

GHW Kvitova (4) v Aga Bratzwanska (6) Quarter

Poor Petra does not do well in the heat

GHW Kvitova’s Section Eighth: I honestly expect Kvitova to get to the 4^th round without any problems. Anything less than that, she deserves scorn and mockery. It is time that the 2-time Wimbledon champion stop losing to no-namers all over the place and struggling through “epic 3-set matches”. American Madison Keys has recently added the services of 2000 Aussie Open champion Lindsay Davenport to her camp. Hopefully this helps the young American be more reliable in matches. She will have to get by Kvitova in the 3^rd round though and that will be a true measure of things. Someone to watch in this section is Andrea Petkovic (13) who has a real shot of getting to the 4^th round here looking at the draw. Someone to not watch is Sam Stosur (20) who I am sure will go out in the 1^st round. D’Stove is incapable of winning in her home country. I swear even if you write D’Stove in the final, she would find a way of losing in the semifinals. It is like she is allergic to the home crowd support. So like I said, it is Kvitova’s section to win or lose. She should be in the quarters.

Madison Keys and Lindsay Davenport

Sam stretching for nothing in Melbourne

Aga and her new coach Martina

Aga Bratzwanska (6) Section Eighth: No doubt about it, Aga should make it to the Round of 16 no trouble other than a potential tricky opponent in Varvara Lepchencko (30) in the 3^rd round. However, the real glitz of this section is that Venus Williams (18) is present here. Venus is playing well as per Brisbane and she is moving forward a lot and showing off a much improved volleying technique thanks to Katrina Adams, the new USTA President (congrats gurl). Hopefully, she MUST play smart efficient tennis out there and get through to the 4^th Round. She would have to beat Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) though in the 3^rd round. Also meeting Aga in the Round of 16 is not good because Venus has been dragged by the Pole as of late. She can barely win a set off Aga. So she will need all her strength to get through that match and face Kvitova in the quarters for another showdown match! Their Wimbledon encounter last year was arguably the best match of the women’s tournament.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Ms. Koolaide Juice Jug Halep (3) Bottom Half

Simona has been Martha’s pigeon as of late, so she will be looking to change that this tournament

Halep (3) v Ivanovic the Terrible (5) Quarter

Promise me that Ivanovic the Terrible is not going to show up here in Melbourne.

Ivanovic the Terrible’s Section Eighth: Ana should get to the Round of 16 which she will potential meet tough lefty Ekaterina Makarova (10) there. Makarova is a dangerous floater at majors. She is always good for one major upset. If she gets past the Russian, there will a Romanian in the form of Halep waiting there for her. Meanwhile of her own accord, Ivanovic the Terrible can show up and mess up Ana’s life and have her losing to a Belinda Bencic (32) for no reason in the 3^rd round. So be prepared for anything from this section.

Realz don’t watch my eyebrows. I know they need to be done but we’re not here for that

Halep’s Section Eighth: Halep had a glorious 2014, quarterfinalist here, finals in Roland Garros and Wimbledon semifinals. Not to mention that she made it to the WTA YEC final beating Serena in straight sets on her way there only to lose in straight sets to Serena but she played a great tournament. With all that, Koolaide Juice Jug is hoping to improve upon those results this year with a new coach who she said is more in line with her Romanian philosophy. I think Halep will make the quarterfinal without much of a fuss. In the 3^rd round, she could meet Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki but even this matchup I am sure Halep will get by without any trouble. Sara ETrrani (14) is a possible 4^th round opponent. However, I am not sure what the Italian will do this year on tour. Her ranking is slipping downwards so she would definitely love a boost to be back in the top 10. She is also a dangerous player except when she is playing Martha or Serena. Otherwise, Errani can be hell for most players on her good day. So if Halep wants to win this title or at least get close to winning it, she best watch out for the likes of Errani.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Bouchard (7) Quarter

Wait what? You’re saying if this were the sport that’s the only way I am winning a major?

Bouchard’s Section Eighth: The Canadian is another of those young ladies who had a great 2014: semis in Melbourne, Roland Garros and a Wimbledon final. She also got to the WTA finals but she did not win a single match in her debut. Nonetheless, she has a lot of points to defend this year and without a coach in her corner, things might not be so smooth as they were last year. Bouchard could face veteran and 2-time major champion Kuzi-Rex (27) in the 3^rd round and then the tricky German lefty, Carebear Kerber (9) or that Spanish Lady Hobbit, Carla Suarez Navarro (17) in the Round of 16. I do not think Bouchard is gonna make it to the quarterfinals but one never knows.

Wait what? Cornemort and Murguruza are in the same quarter as Serena? Sweet LOL

And no I don’t practice the dark arts of draw fixing … at least not all the time 🙂

Martha Shriekapova’s Section Eighth: I think we can just about safely write in quarterfinals and/or semifinals. She has no real threats in path at all. In fact, she has not lost to Halep yet. So even if the seeds stay true to form, Martha might be a sure bet. Her 3^rd round opponent is Zarina Diyas (31) who has no fire power to hurt Martha in the least. Only tough draw for the Russian might be Lucie Safarova (16) who will have to play the match of her life to get this upset. Nonetheless, I think we can put Martha in the finals and if anyone shows up other than Kvitova and Serena, it is Martha’s title to win or lose.

So here we are at the end! I hope we have a fun and great Aussie Open this year. Hopefully my favourites get their lives together and win the darn thing!

As much as I want to be loving LiNaLi in this picture giving me life with that beautiful pregnancy glow, that security guard in those shoes is KILLING ME! This is why I can never buy a pair of New Balance to save my life

Vickie is out partying. I hope she has her life together because she has a tough road ahead of her to get back to the top

It is like Venus loves to piss me off. WTF is she wearing a napkin on her head? And I am sorry this dress looks okay but it is giving me Christmas Angel pageant so I cannot approve. Serena I can see your busted edges from here

Wimbledon 2014: Day 1

What do you mean we can’t get in? WTF??

Well Wimbledon 2014 started without any major news aka gossip to spread beforehand. Everything seemed to be perfect other than the fact that there were more tickets for Day 1 than there were places available. People had to be turned away from the grounds. Or so they said. Anyway, let us get right to the results because I am pressed for time. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO CHECK OUT http://www.ubitennis.com/english/?refresh_ce AND http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/  for a more realistic coverage. However, never forget to stay tuned to RealzTenisFanz for your coverage. We’re on TWITTER and FACEBOOK too. PLEASE COMMENT BELOW and provide feedback.

So the men’s

Lochness Monster is looking to continue his winning ways at Wimbledon

Lochness Monster (3) who was first up on Centre Court, won his opening round match against the lil Goblin David Goffin 6-1 6-4 7-5. The Goblin can be a lil tricky but Nessie handled him efficiently. Clearly Nessie is under a lot of pressure to do well in his home tournament since he hired a Frenchwoman, Amelie Mauresmo to help him deal with his lack of major major success. You do realize that Nessie has been the last 3 “Wimbledon” finals (2 majors and 1 Olympic) So homegurl is really looking to extend this trend. Anyway, Djoker Harlequeen (1) was feeling himself as he totally dismantled Andrey Golubev 6-0 6-1 6-4. Golubev nearly went down 6-0 6-0 but spurred on by the crowds was able to win himself 5 games to make it a respectable scoreline.

Djoker isn’t trying to muck around. He has not won a major since 2013 Aussie Open and lost 4 of the last 4 major finals. NO BUENO. He is coming for this Wimbledon crown

Berdshite (6) overcame a slow start against Victor Hanescu to move through to the 2^nd round 6-7 6-1 6-3 6-2. Of the 153 total points Berdshite won in the match, 75 of them were winners. That’s staggering as that is nearly 50% of his points. Excellent job. Will be interesting to see if the bird brain can keep this up. Anyway, Fake Fire Ferrer (7) also won in 4 sets over fellow Spaniard Pable Carreno-Busta 6-0 6-7 6-1 6-1. Sharapova’s clutch Dimitrov (11) won in straight sets over American Ryan Harrison 7-6 6-3 6-2. A pair of Russians, Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Andrey Kuznetsov, former Wimbledon Junior champion, took out a pair of young British hopefuls, Jamie Ward and Daniel Evans respectively. Youzhny won in straights 6-2 6-2 6-1 and Kuznetsov in 4 sets 6-1 7-5 3-6 7-6.

Are you calling me a douche? No I am calling you Goonie Gulbis

Other seeded players who won include Ernest Goonie Gulbis (12) in 3 tough sets over Jurgen Zopp, Fabio “Mr. Pignini” Fognini (16) over American Alex Kuznetsov in 5 sets, Kevin Anderson (20), BWLLAGWLLAB Dolgopolov (21) and Chin Cilic (26). Baby Ali Tsonga (14) has to complete his match against Jurgen Meltdown. They are locked in the 5^th set. Tsonga looked to have this match on lockdown as he won the 1^st set 6-1 and had early break points in the 2^nd set. However, he lost his way and soon found himself down 1-2 sets. He found his way and took the 4^th set and now they are in a 5^th set. Tsonga up 5-4 and will serve for the match when play resumes.

I need to come back tomorrow?? WTF??

Other notable winners were Roberto Bautista-Agut who won last week’s grass court warmup in Holland, Benjamin Becker who took out American hopeful Donald Young in straight sets 6-4 6-3 6-4, Shark Boy Stepanek who will take on Djoker in the 2^nd round, Marcos Fatdatis who dismissed Dustin Brown aka Dreddy Tennis aka the man who beat Divadal at Halle two weeks ago. Hottie Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem fizzled out as he was knocked by another youngster, Austrialian qualifier Luke Saville in 4 sets. Fellow Aussie Bernard Tampomic is also through to the 2^nd round. The man who beat Mr. Federer last year in the 2^nd round, Ukrainian Sergei Stakhovsky won in straight sets over Carlos Berloq 6-3 6-3 6-3. Not to worry Mr. Federer’s fanz, Stakhovsky is on the other side of the draw far far far away from Mr. Federer. They can only meet in the final and we all know that is very unlikely to happen. Frenchmen Gilles Simon and Jeremy Chardy are also through to the 2^nd round.

Tabasco Verdasco played like ketchup today

By way of upsets, we have Tabasco Verdasco (18) going out to the likes of Marinko Matosevic 4-6 6-4 4-6 2-6. Matosevic is the douche who had this to say about Lochness Monster hiring Mauresmo as his coach “It’s all equal rights these days. Got to be politically correct. So, yeah, someone has to give it a go. I couldn’t do it, though, since I don’t think that highly of the women’s game.” I really expected Verdasco to shut this fool up with a straight sets beatdown but I guess way too much gel in his hair addled his brains or something. Andreas Seppi (25) also went out in 5 sets to Leonardo Mayer 3-6 6-2 6-4 6-7 4-6. Vasek Pospisil (31) was sent packing by Robin Haase in 4 sets. Well these are not real upsets… I guess I should really say, seeded players got “dispersed” and no one really cares.

I wasn’t ready!!!

The Ladies,

Kvitova giving me Grand High Witch face

Things were far more routine on the ladies’s side. LiNaLi (2) of course complicated her life against a qualifier but she pulled through in the end in straight sets 7-5 6-2 over Paula Kania. GHW Kvitova (6) also came through in straight sets over Andrea Hlavakova 6-3 6-0. Other straight sets winners included Vickie (8) 6-3 7-5 over Marijana Lucic-Baroni, Dominika Cibuttkova (10), Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta (12), Lady Gollum Safarova (23) over Julia Georges 7-6 7-6, Elena Vesnina (32), Moaning Mona Barthel and Bjona Jovanovski. I have to say again that I am happy at Vickie is back. However, that serve of hers will be the death of her. She was a mess out there today against Lucic-Baroni. She is lucky that girl…well woman since Lucic-Baroni is 32 was not someone of a higher ranking because they would have been all over those measly serves.

Vickie is back in her pum pum shorts

Granny Vee who just turned 34 last week won her match in 3 sets and before people get on her case saying that she was being messy, I have to say that she was actually playing some decent tennis. Her stats were on point: she got 65% of her 1^st serves in, winning 89% of the points (41/46) and 64% on the 2^nd serve. She was up at net 20 times and won the point 18 of those times. She was 3/3 on break points with 41 winners including 11 aces and 16 errors. I mean those are some healthy numbers. Usually those are some ridiculous numbers like 1/8 on break points etc etc. Hopefully she keeps this up. And speaking of grandmothers, Granny Goodness Date Krumm was coasting against Ekaterina Makarova (22) but then got lost. She was up 5-0 in the 1^st set but could not close it out initially. She won the set 6-3. She dropped the 2^nd 4-6 and was up 2-0 in the 3^rd but unable to maintain the lead. Makarove took the match 3-6 6-4 7-5 and sent Granny Goodness home.

This ugly Spanish itch was trying to come for me!!

I mean seriously Granny Goodness is looking sexy out here… but that knee needs to be replaced

By way of upsets, we have Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) and Slowe Stephens (18). They were both ousted today to provide the tournament’s first upsets. D’Stove has yet to figure out the courts of Wimbledon despite nearly all pundits saying that her game is suited for the grass. She was knocked out in straight sets but Yanina Wickmayer 6-3 6-4. Slowe Stephens who has made decent runs in the draw at the last 6 majors was dismissed by Maria Kirilenko 6-2 7-6. This should not be of no real surprise since Stephens plays pretty poorly on tour. She was expecting her luck to carry her through to the latter stages but it was not to be the case this yr. Another upset came in the form of Coco Vandeweghe who recently won the grass court warm up tournament in Holland. She took out Garbine Muguruza (27) Serena Slayer at the French Open. Muguruza was dismissed from Wimbledon 3-6 6-3 5-7. And speaking of upsets… well more so upset stomach, Vania King aka Sailor Moon aka Saw Clown. This gurl was up 5-0 in the 1^st set only to lose then next….wait for it… the next 12 games to be down 5-7 0-5. She by the grace of God no less took the next three games but unable to deny her opponent Yvonne Meusburger the win 7-5 6-3.

You best take off those sunglasses and try to find yourself a backhand gurl

WTF is happening? This is a major. I don’t lose in the 1st round…

Well that is it for the notable winners on Day 1. Do note that four women’s matches scheduled for today were not completed: Bratzwanska (4), Danish Biscuit (16), Alien v Predator Errani (14) and Kuzi-Rex (28) all have to finish up tomorrow. Tomorrow will also see Divadal, Serenanator, Mr. Federer, the conclusion of Baby Ali’s match, Radwanska matches etc etc.. Hope you enjoyed this posting…

BIG PICTURE SHOW

Definitely some of the Hottest pictures we have had on RealzTenisFanz ever..

Even Berdshite is surprised he looks so good

Wait Realz you were talking about my hair…
No I was talking about the weave not your hair..

Venus giving us Ebony Starr Goddess here!

Look at this Ginger cookie.. I want to eat every crumb

And his name is Cox I swear!!

His name is Pospisil but I like to call him Popsicle.. and we know why..

Firey Ferrer at his best

In a certain light and made pliable with some liquor.. Jurgen Meltdown could definitely get it

Andreas Seppi… would love a sip of this fine Italian win

Pablo Carrena-Busta… I mean the nose aside… he could definitely get it

Robin Haase is a YES

Russian Evgeny Donskoy I mean come on… how can we not say DA to this

He’s a lil frustrated man but definitely a hottie

I don’t know what that finger is for but it is certainly not for number 1 ranked tennis player. Anyway, as always Vickie is a HOTTIE and a lil tongue action, what more can a boy who is into girls want

Kirilenko is serving up fish!! AMAZING

Look at Granny Goodness.. she looks really amazing

Moaning Mona, what is your excuse

She looks like a carrot that has been eaten by a horse..

I must end on Mr. Federer of course

Meanwhile Shaq is as lost as ever..

 

Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part II: The Ladies

So the ladies are set for the major of all the majors, Wimbledon. Very few ladies enjoy this tournament because this is the place where “pushing” and “looping” the ball around do not count. Those pushers and loopers die early out there. You have to have some power in your arsenal as well as deadly kill shots if you intend to do well. Even if you sneak into the final, your opponent will just crush you for days. Ask Vera Zvonavera (2010) and Bratzwanska (2012).  Therefore look for the “big girls” to do well; Serenanator, Shriekapova, Ebony Starr (one is hoping and praying), Losicki, Grand High Witch Kvitova etc etc. They are the ones who if they keep their head cool and their game tight, will be the ones in the final. Anyway, I do not have much to say about the ladies because they haven’t done much of consequence lately.

Last year’s finalists Bartoli and Losicki

Just like the men, the draw of 128 has been broken down into the Top Half (Serenanator and Halep) and the Bottom Half (LiNaLi and Bratzwanska). Each half was then further broken down into Quarters. Again, I am not going to make any real predictions but give a likely scenario and speak of possible interesting matchups. We need not make a fool of ourselves by speaking of prediction because we saw how that turned out last time at the French. I mean seriously, Serenanator lost to Muguruza in the 2^nd round. Venus losing to some Schmediova. Really gurl? Really? By the end of the first week, nearly the entire top 10 was out of the competition. You do not even need to ask but you know I was not handling this Shriekapova victory well at all. I couldn’t deal!

Anyway, the lead up tournaments to Wimbledon were all won by unlikely candidates; Ivanovic the Terrible got her life together and brought Ana to the court to win her first grass court title in Birmingham, Coco Vandeweghe…yeah that Coco Vandeweghe won ‘s-Hertogenbosch which is in Holland I think if I am not mistaken and another American Madison Keys won Eastbourne. These winners are not known for their grass court prowess but it will be interesting to see what happens to them at Wimbledon. Speaking of Wimbledon, unlike for the men, the committee decided not to touch the women’s seedings. The top 32 ranked players were seeded as such. They didn’t even move up Shriekapova (5) or Ebony Starr (30). I mean if you are going to bump up the likes of Andreas Seppi from 34^th in the world to 25^th seed Tabasco Verdasco from 23^rd to 18^th seed and Jerzy Janowicz from 24^th to the 15^th seed then demote Stan W who is 3^rd in the world to 5^th seed and put World’s number one Divadal who won only a single match in 2 years at Wimbledon as the number 2 seed, you might as well apply some of this inane logic to the ladies. I am just saying that Cibulkova doesn’t deserve to be 10^th seed and who are we kidding with LiNaLi being the number 2 seed and D’Stove Stosur as the 17^th seed. Anyway, I digress..

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Serenanator [1] v Shriekapova [5]

So the Serenanator has been having issues at the majors. She has been a mess as of late by her own standards. However, Wimbledon is her favourite place to play and she is looking for her 6^th Wimbledon crown. If she is set her year right, Wimbledon is definitely the place to begin. She has a somewhat tough draw, possibly facing fellow American Christina McHale aka McFail in the 2^nd round, then in the 3^rd round Alize Cornet aka Cornemort (23) who beat her in Dubai semifinal this year and a very hot Genie Bouchard (13) in the Round of 16. Then on top of all of that, she can face Shriekapova (5) in the quarterfinals which would the 10^th anniversary of their meeting in the 2004 final when Shriekapova simply crushed the Serenanator. Ironically, it has been nearly 10 years since Shriekapova last beat the Serenanatnor. Andreas Petkovic (20) is also in this section of the draw as a possible 3^rd round opponent for the American.

As of late S in Serenanator has come to mean, S for Struggle

Things are not so easy for reigning French Open champion Shriekapova either. She not only have to factor in that if she wants to win Wimbledon she will need to solve her Serenanator problem in the quarterfinals but first there is also Anastasia Pavlychenkova (26) aka Fattychunkova or Camila Giorgi in the 3^rd round and Carebear Kerber (9) in the Round of 16. Now these ladies, Fattychunkova, Giorgi and Kerber aren’t really worthy opponents for Shriekapova but they have shown in the past that they can beat her and they will be looking for win here if for nothing else but to shut her up. She has really grown quite full of herself as of late. Shriekapova will be looking for the French Open/Wimbledon double which has not been done on the ladies side since the Serenanator in 2002.

Shriekapova getting that practice in

Quarter 2: Halep [3] v Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic [7]

The 2014 French Open finalist, Halep (3) should have an easy enough time getting to the Round of 16 which she would possibly face the winner of the Ivanovic the Terrible (11) or Sabine Losicki (19) 3^rd round match. Ivanovic the Terrible will have to get past Francesco Schiabone in the 1^st round. Fivehead Jankovic (7) might be facing Halep in the quarters but there is Yaroslava Shvedova lurking in the 2^nd round. There is an interesting 1^st round matchup of Madison Keys v Monica Puig. This is worth watching. This section is about as easy a section as one can be. So watch out for a breakthrough star/unknown to come out of this region.

Halep trying to win her 1st major

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Bratzwanska [4] v Vickie [8]

I am so happy that Vickie is back on the tour. She is a delight to watch and I know she would spare me from some of the silliness I have seen on the tour during her absence. I am happy that she is back. She lost in her first round encounter in Eastbourne last week but I am sure she will get better at this tournament. Last year she had to pull out in the 2^nd round I think due to injury but in 2012 she made the semis and also won an Olympic bronze medal. So she can play on the stuff. She is an unpredictable factor in this section of the draw. She also has to with Garbine Muguruza (27) or Coco Vandeweghe in the 3^rd round and the winner of the 3^rd round matchup of Cibuttkova (10) and Lucie Safarova (23) aka Lady Gollum in the Round of 16.

Vickie is eager to get back on the court of another major

Bratzwanska (4) did not have the French Open that she would have preferred. She didn’t even make it past the 3^rd round if I am not mistaken. She has to deal with Kuzi-Rex (28) in the 3^rd round. Tsvetana Pironkova and Varvarne Lepchenko who play each other in the 1^st round could be a possible 4^th round opponent. There is also Sara Errani (14) in this section of the draw. Alien v Predator (Errani) has to get past France’s Caroline Garcia.

Quarter 4: LiNaLi (2) v GHW Kvitova (6)

GHW showing off her magic works

2011 Champion Kvitova (6) is looking to recapture the magic here. She has been a sorta no-show for most tournaments since that historic win several years ago. She also found herself in scandal when she recently started dating Shark Boy Radek Stapenek. However, she dumped the ugly troll recently and might be more focused on her tennis. Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams (30) is in this section of the draw and could face Kvitova in the 3^rd round. Seriously, Venus is capable of getting to the finals. HONESTLY she can do this. However, we are talking about Venus here and relying on her to do good things is like quitting your job and banking on winning the lottery to support yourself. #foolish #uttermadness. Nonetheless, on a personal note, I feel this is my best option right now in life since I am unemployed. So do not count Venus out. Slowe Stephens (18) who has shown a propensity to play well at majors is also in this section of the draw. However, she has Maria Krazilenko in the 1^st round. This might be a tough draw for the American especially since Krazilenko, 2012 quarterfinalist, can really play on this stuff.

This is Venus’s look for this year’s Wimbledon… I am a mehh for this one. Not the best but certainly not the worst

The sisters are playing doubles this year

LiNaLi should make the quarters; emphasis on SHOULD. This section is not loaded as other sections. There are Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16) and Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) lurking about in these parts. Neither player has shown herself to be competent on grass. Albeit that LiNaLi isn’t known for her fine play on grass. However, Danish Biscuit and D’Stove have “somewhat tough” opening round matches. Danish Biscuit plays Shahar Peer and D’Stove plays Yanina Wickmayer.

LiNaLi is trying to create some energy behind her name here at Wimbledon. She has basically flatlined since Melbourne

Can someone tell me why Judy Murray is outside in pjs.

This concludes the ladies’ draw. Now who do you think will emerge as champion and why? Comment below!

I know many of you might not think the Preview’s are Realz’s usual realzness. However, there is a Part III looking at the WTA cocktail event. Be sure to tune in.

Australian Open 2014: Day 3

CLT+ALT+DEL

Hey Fanz I am so sorry that this posting is coming to you at about the time that Day 4 is set to begin at the Australian Open. Well technically, Day 4 has already begun. I was having extreme technical difficulties. I just found out that the hard drive on my laptop is damaged and that I will loose everything that is on it. This is a bummer and a half. I do not know much about computers. Needless to say that I am hot like the weather in Australia. The only good thing is that the computer is still under warranty. My desktop was not working so well but that was a simple easier fix. So I can post this and the others hopefully.

I think someone is literally being barbequed right now

To the tennis: MY GOD IT IS HOT DOWN UNDER. Everyone is complaining about the heat. I mean we all know that it is hot in Australia at this time but now it is RIDONCULOUS. #Globalwarmingmuch The on court temperatures are hotter than outside temperatures and players are burning up…and not in the good way. It is mainly survival tennis at this time…ie if they can survive the heat to play tennis..

Shade… I must get to the shade…

But let’s get to the results.

It was a semi-tough day out there for the Chinese but she is through to the 3rd round

LiNaLi won her matchup in sorta convincing fashion. LiNaLi won the 1st set in bagel fashion but struggled in the 2nd as Belinda Bencic started to play for real now. However, get valiant effort didn’t pay off as she lost in the tiebreaker. The Swiss is one of the younglings to keep an eye on for the future. The Serenanator was far more routine in her victory 6-1 6-2. Sam D’Stove Stosur is finding her game in Australia again these days as she took out the ever dangerous Pironkova in straight sets 6-2 6-0. Pironkova however had a broken crotch and was clearly hampered by this. Nonetheless, D’Stove will take the win. I believe she’ll face Ana the Terrible for a place in the Round of 16 where the winner will face the Serenanator if current form holds true.

I am ready for these itches…BRING IT ON

Several seeded players lost their way to the 3rd round. Lisicki (15) didn’t get the rest of the game plan for the 2nd and 3rd sets from Hingis as after winning the 1st set 6-2 over Niculescu, she basically didn’t even know her way to Sesame Street. Lisicki had a blonde moment that lasted the rest of the match. Meanwhile, Niculescu seized the moment to hold serve and fried up a two piece combo meal for Lisicki. Niculescu 2-6 6-2 6-2
Casey Dellacqua gave Australia much to smile about as she trashed 18th seed Kristen Flipkens 6-3 6-0.

Lisicki in the 1st set!

Losicki after the 2nd and 3rd sets

Most of the other seeded players came through for the 3rd round including Carebear Kerber (9),Ana the Terrible (14) Makarova (22), Safarova (26) aka Lady Gollum, Flavia Penne Pasta (28),Eugenie Bouchard (30) and Daniela Hepburnova (31) who won 12-10 in the 3rd set.

Eugenie Bouchard of Canada… honey you bought that outfit from a moose in Saskatchewan?

One would think that with all these gay fans, she would not be committing these fashion atrocities… But I guess that’s how they roll in Canada

Other notable winners included Americans Laura Davis who dismissed Julia Goerges in 3 sets, Alison Riske who handed out unlimited breadsticks to Yanina Wickmayer 6-1 6-1, Moaning Mona Barthel who is benefitting from the ousting of Petra Kvitova. Jie Zheng former semifinalist here in 2010 also won with a 3 set victory over American Madison Keys.

Djoker is all business with his easy bake oven draw

I’m sorry but Boris Becker looks like an overexuberant butch lesbian soccer mom

On the men’s side Djoker Harlequeen isn’t wasting time on court as he dismissed his opponent on convincing fashion 6-0 6-4 6-4. Berdshite also won in straight sets. Fiery Ferrer needed 4 sets to get through the 3rd round. He’s randomly dropping sets these days so look for and early round lost from the Spaniard. I don’t see him getting to the latter stages of this major. Sam Querry aka the Grinch took out the 23rd seed Ernst Gulbis in straight sets. I hope no one was betting on Gulbis because he’s never sure money unless you’re betting on his opponent. Gulbis ever remains that enigma. I was actually surprised that he was seeded here and so high. Nonetheless, very good of Sam to try to salvage American mens tennis. They need all the big wins they can get.

The Grinch is trying to steal his way into the latter stages of a major

There were two other seeded players who got dispersed but wasn’t really make losses. Youzhny (14) lost to Florian Mayer in 5 sets. I expected more from the Russian but I forgot he’s Russian and meltdown is inevitable. His compatriot 30th seed Dmitry Tursunov fell to Denis Istomin in 4 sets. Istomin is a dangerous floater so watch him. Ivan Dodig (32) had to retire in the 4th set.

I hope you aall didn’t forget about me

Things are so bad with Davydenko these days, he got himself a tan.

Despite this, most of the other seeded players played their parts to the hilt and were able to move through to play another day. Gasquet (9) came through in straight sets over Nikolay Davydenko. I expected at least 4 sets from this match but Gasquet is playing smart tennis these days at majors. Good of him. High time now he produces the top level tennis we all hoped he would give. Pity he came win a major unless a plague hits the draw. However he’s not the only one praying for the locusts to fly, Fabio Fognini (15), Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19), Jerzy Janowicz (20), Jeremy Chardy (29) all hope that God would send the floods again to wash the top 6 away because the Red Sea will part again before they win a major whilst the top 6 are alive and well in the draw. They can barely win regular tour tournaments much more hoist a major trophy. When was the last time one of the top 6 didn’t win the master level trophy? Probably like 2011 and that was just one person I think.

Florian Mayer working himself through to the 3rd round

Anyway in regards to that much anticipated showdown between Matthew Ebden and Vasek Pospisil (28) Pospisil won of course in 4 sets giving the Aussie a breadstick to wave to the crowd in the 4th set 3-6 7-6 7-6 6-1 what a waste!

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this posting despite it’s late arrival….

She might not be pretty in pink but she sure is powerful! You know a woman is doing it and doing it right when she got her man carrying the purse! ReRe that lil pouchette is killing me

I thought Stella was improving… simple, clean, effective and cute

Then I saw this mess…

Stella needs to STOP!!! Why can’t I get a real endorsement deal and be spared from this garbage??

Berdshite is a soccer player now?? I mean seriously H&M can’t you do better than this

Kuzi, I don’t know what got into you and the stars but I need for you to night night to this hideous dress… NO BUENO

Checkmate!! Move this piece off the board IMMEDIATELY

Keep staring at the wall… You are on punishment for that skirt!!

Hot head!!

My ears are melting!

Sleepytime

What had happened? What you mean it is not nap time??

WTF?? His teeth matches his shirt! I know times are changing and tennis all about colours but we can at least keep our teeth white to pay hommage… that’s just FOUL..

Monica…this face is not okay!! You are scaring the children!!

The best thing about Andy Murray is Daniel Vallverdu

I think so too… he is delish!!

Djoker is showing his “treasure chest”

I am not impressed

Berdshite showing off the clean smooth look

Hmmm I might want a taste of some of that but…

I think I am sexy and I hope you think so too

It’s okay but still

A Brazilian and a Spaniard combo

YES now this is what I am talking about… I am definitely get behind this kinda meal combo

Huh?? What are you doing? I told you, it is my wrist that’s hurting

YEAHHHHHHHH TAKE IT LIKE A MAN… TAKE IT I see gaynesia about to happen in 5, 4, 3, 2…

I’m trying…

Hey Realz, I am talking to you… Stop saying shit about my man Lleyton. Yes I did done stole him from Kim but that’s none of your business. She was flexible is true but my mouth made up for it in bed and Lleyton chose me. I will not tolerate any more smack about him. I will hunt you down like a dog if you say one more thing about him. You have been warned!

Australian Open 2014: Day 1

Let me in!! Let me in!!

Now that Day 1 is over, I do not think that any of the results came as a HUGE surprise. I mean there were upsets and of course disappointments but all in all, the results mostly reflected what has been trending for a while.

On the ladies, side, the Serenanator (1) wasted little time dispatching her Aussie opponent as she in barely an hour, took the match 6-2 6-1. Ashleigh Barty had some good shots here and there but it was not enough to stop the American.

I know you are ready for your opponents ReRe but I am not ready for this outfit! BURN IT!!!

LiNaLi (4) also looked impressive as she dumped her opponent 6-2 6-0. The 9th seed, Kerber had a lil problem with Jarmila Gajdosova but came through in 3 sets 6-3 0-6 6-2. Ivanovic the Terrible (14) came through comfortably in straight sets as did Sabine Lisicki (15) Monica Niculescu, Tsetvana Pironkova, Moaning Mona Barthel, Yanina Wickmayer and Monica Puig. 18th seed Kristen Flipkens took out British Laura Robson 6-3 6-0. Robson needs to get her life together if she wants to make a decent living on the tour and not be another Anne Keothavong. Meanwhile, Robson’s countrywoman Heather Watson also lost though she made her match a bit more competitive v Daniela Hanthucova (31) 5-7 6-3 3-6.

LiNaLi showing off that sliced backhand

Some interesting results on the ladies side…. Well first off you know I am smarting because Venus Williams set me up again!! I can’t with this woman. She was bossing Ekaterina Makarova (22) around for a set and a half 6-2 4-4 but all of sudden, Venus double faulted 3 times in a row to hand the game and basically the set to Makarova. In the 3rd set, Venus was up 3-0! Then she lost the next 6 of 7 games. I was beside myself. She was playing so well. The groundstrokes were popping and she was moving forward. However, she just decided to hurt my feelings and mess up my entire evening. Makarova moves to the 2nd round having taken out another Williams Sister 2-6 6-4 6-4.

Venus angst!!!

Makarova is making it a habit of taking out Williamses in Australia

There were several other interesting results: Like I said of Petra Kvitova, she is going into fast decline and that showed up in her lost to Luksika Kimkhum (I wish I were making up this name). Kvitova (6) got bounced 2-6 6-1 6-4 to some unknown Thai player. She was not the only top seed to said bye bye to Melbourne, the doubles team of Roberta Vinci (12) and Sara Errani (7) were both dismissed from the singles event. Vinci going down in straights to former semifinalist Jie Zheng and Errani leaving thanks to Julia Goerges.

Wearing pepto bismal pink, playing like diarrhea, game and ranking slipping and dating Stepanek. Yes, Stepanek curse in full effect

I see boobs but I am not sure… this is very feMALE indeed

Of course I was very excited when I saw the draw and it was Kvitova I was playing. She is still dating Stepanek right? So I knew I had more than a shot! I had a winning shot

I should also mention that Stosur avenged her recent lost to Klara Zakopalova by beating her in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Also Granny Goodness Date-Krumm lost to perhaps the youngest girl in the field Belinda Bencic of Switzerland in straight sets.

Thank you very much for coming. Nice warm up

On the men’s side, things were more routine. Ferrer (3) and Djoker Harlequeen (2) wasted no time getting rid of their opponents in straight sets. There is no point in sticking around on court for more time than you need to. Stan Wawrinka (8) got even less time when his opponent reitred in the 2nd set. Fabio Fognini (15) also benefitted from a retirement when Alex Bogomolov went out injured. Bershite (7) also is through in straight sets as well as Richard Gasquet (9), Mikhail Youzhny (14), Jeremy Chardy (29) and Dmitri Tursanov (30).

Oh wait she is not one of the guys…

Jerzy Janowicz (20) perhaps love work because he was out there for 5 sets for no apparent reason but he is through to the 2nd round. Other 5 set winners include Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19) Julian Benneteau and Nikolay Davydenko.

Glittering Gulbis

Munchable Monaco

23rd seed Ernest Gulbis beat Juan Monaco in 4 sets. This is a sad result because they are both such PHYNE specimen but Monaco has not been so well since the break up with a certain top Diva. That Gulbis is even seeded and Monaco is not, shows how much the Argentine is hurting from that dismissal. Marcos Baghdatis, known for his on court heroics, had a major fail in front of this very Cypriot crowd when Uzbekistani Denis Istomin knocked him out in straight sets and did so in fine style. Ivan Dodig (32) knocked out monster server Ivo Karlovic in straight sets also.

Divadal was only fcuking with your head. You know that. Realz loves you not Divadal!

Tomorrow, both bottom halves will be playing and we are set to see Divadal, Mr. Federer, Lochness Monster, Baby Ali, Beetlejuice, Vickie, Fivehead Jungle Witch, Bratzwanska and Shriekapova all on court.

Let us take a break and just watch

Don’t forget to spread the word about REALZTENISFANZ!!!

Venus I do not even know what to say about this head!!! ratchet!!

Robson you look like someone’s runaway bridesmaid. WTF is this dress about??

I need to get me a sip of Andreas Seppi indeed

Oh Patty Rafter… you’re turning into Fatty Rafter these days

Spanish Armada!!… At least part of the fleet

I am best amongst my fellow menz

Did someone fart?? I am smelling shite….Oh Hey Tomic…..

So you gonna come by my room later right. I will leave the door open

Mister, I can see your penis and that’s not okay at this time

They say I was going to get groupies but I didn’t want these old bitches..

US Open 2013: Day 2

Things are well on their way at the Open. Day 2 was favourable weather

This entry is going to be a very very quick one. I am trying to stay on top of everything out here and really trying to discipline myself to be more focus because I lose a lot of time. So on Day 2 nothing of consequence happened per se. The USTA and the weather allowed all scheduled singles matches to be played including all incomplete matches from Day 1. I am not sure about the doubles event but then again, I hardly check on that end of the tournament. Some interesting results on the men’s side: Americans Jock Sock and Donald Young are through to the 2nd round. Young decimated his opponent, dropping just 2 games in the entire match and Sock was holding his own against an ailing Petzschner and got through when the German finally retired down 2-5 in the 3rd set.

Hold the applause please! I have a lot of catching up to do at this year’s open

By the way, while I have your attention, let me just say this. Mr. Federer is ranked 7 in the world. Yes 7 as in the number after 6 and before 8. Whenever I hear the number 7 and Mr. Federer in the same sentence, I think they are talking about 17 major titles, or 7 Wimbledon titles or even winning 7 matches at a major to win the title but never 7 and his ATP ranking. You know my heart almost failed. However, Mr. Federer has had a miserable year thus far. I think he may have won 1 title and his 2nd round loss at Wimbledon after being the defending champion coupled with his dismal performance in Europe thereafter to find his confidence. What he found at Gstaad and Hamburg were beatdowns at the hands of players he ordinarily eat up for a snack. He lost to Divadal in 3 sets in Cincinnati. So if there is ever a time Mr. Federer needs a miracle, it is here in NYC at the Open and you know I would be right here praying along with him.

Will it be the Djoker or Djuggernaut who shows up at this year’s US Open?

Lurch

Beetlejuice is BACK!!!

The usual suspects on the men’s side came and conquered. Mr. Federer of course, Djoker who was looking as polished as ever, Milos Raonic of Canada even Sam Querry  and John Isner got things going their way. Other winners include Tomas Berdych aka Lurch and Tommy “Head and Shoulders” Haas. Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice is looking fit as fiddle as he breezed through his match 6-1 6-2 6-0. Hopefully he is fully back on the tour; no injuries and no foolish heroics on the court.

Nicolas Almagro yet another wayward on tour since the dawning of Divadal

Undoubtedly there were those who saw it fit to slow the party. Jerzy Janowicz, the 14th seed, who I had high hopes for at these championships was ailing with his back and was dismissed in 3 sets. 28th seed Juan Monaco and 15th seed Nicolas Almagro were also bounced early from these games. Monaco may have been hurt but as for Almagro, this result is simply indicative of the sucky level of play he has been producing for a while now. I do not know what his deal is but he needs to get his life together.

I almost forgot that Mr. Sugapova, Grigor Dimitrov lost in 4 sets to a Portuguese hottie Joao Sousa in 5 sets.

I don’t know if it is too much sugar in his diet but Mr. Sugapova needs to his life together. He also needs to burn his shirt because it is giving me a seizure right now

See Men’s Day 2 results below.

T. Kamke	64	6	79	6
S. Johnson	77	4	67	2
N. Djokovic	6	6	6
R. Berankis	1	2	2
J. Vesely	2	2	78	5
D. Kudla	6	6	66	7
T. Berdych	6	6	6
P. Lorenzi	1	4	1
J. Monaco	4	2	0
F. Mayer	6	6	3
B. Becker	6	3	6	6
L. Rosol	3	6	3	4
D. Young	6	6	6
M. Klizan	1	0	1
N. Almagro	3	1	6	3
D. Istomin	6	6	4	6
T. Haas	6	6	6
P. Mathieu	4	4	1
J. Sock	77	3	5
P. Petzschner	62	6	2
Y. Lu	6	77	6
D. Gimeno-Traver	4	65	3
R. Federer	6	6	7
G. Zemlja	3	2	5
S. Giraldo	3	6	78	4	2
C. Berlocq	6	3	66	6	6
S. Querrey	77	4	6	6
G. Pella	63	6	1	2
R. Dutra Silva	4	3	711	6	712
V. Pospisil	6	6	69	2	610
J. Isner	6	6	6
F. Volandri	0	2	3

On the ladies side, things were also relatively quiet. Of course Petra Kvitova was dropping a set to some no name but she found herself and won in 3 sets. Petra has played 60 matches for the year and literally half of them have been 3 setters. It seems as it is all very true that she and Radek Stepanek are now an item. Petra I am telling you gurl, do not be a stupid itch….Leave that penis alone. It is addling your brains and clearly affecting your game. Soon he will have you barefoot and pregnant.

Oh Petra! Petra! Petra! Gurl get your life together

Vickie just killed her match as she double bagelled her opponent as did Sara Errani. Rumour has it that Errani and her doubles partner Roberta Vinci have a falling out. Leave it to women to always spoil a good partnership over some stupid bullshit. Anyway, there were some interesting match ups on Day 2 including Christina McHale v Julia Georges. The American won in straight sets 6-4 6-3. I think it is time we call off the search party who is looking for Julia to find her way on tour. We can officially call this one a non-factor at this point. Georges simply does not have what it takes to make a big name for herself. She is coming off as mediocre to the nth degree; scarcely worth mentioning these days.

Vickie I do not know who told you this lil number was a good idea but I’m gonna have to correct that let you know, this skirt is an EPIC FAIL. Go back to the pom pom shorts

Anywho, another interesting match was Bojana Jovanovski v Andrea Petkovic. They both share similar ethnic background who different nationalities. Petkovic is trying to find her game again but she will have to look for it elsewhere because it is not going to be found here at this year’s US Open. Bojana was all over her 6-2 6-4 in this match and Andrea just made far too many unforced errors.

Roberta, we spoke about making these faces outside in public. This is not okay! Look what you did to Daniela

OMG, I’m a gonna throw up

Some other winners of the day included Roberta Vinci, her countrywoman Flavia Pennetta, Daniela Hantucova, Ana Ivanovic who looked surprising not terrible in her 1st round match and also Moaning Mona Barthel. There were several upsets including that of the 20th, 17th and the 11th seed; Nadia Petrova, Dominika Cibulkova and Sam Stosur respectively. Nadia we are not really surprised that she lost and in straight sets too, which perhaps might be the only unexpected bit. However, she has been well off the plot for a long long time. Cibulkova, she can be either very hot or very cold. She knows no mid range and obviously she was very cold at this late summer slam. Sam Stosur on the other hand. Well, I do not even know what to say about her. She has great success here at the Open. She beat the Serenanator in 2011 and convincingly too but these days she is off in the outbacks of her mind. However, this summer, I thought she was getting her life together. She beat Vickie in California and for sure, I said, watch out for Sam at the Open. But you know how Sam is. She does everything to defy all expectations of her.

Victoria Duval in action against Sam Stosur

She played the young and upcoming American Victoria Duval who got her @$$ handed to her by Kim Clijsters in her last win at the Open in 2012. However, this year, Duval made sure she was not going to serve as a prop for Sam’s performance. She found Sam on every single point throughout the match and it paid dividends for her. She showed her “immaturity” at many stages of the match but in the end, she showed a level of steely nerves that I hope will carry her through to bigger and better things. She won 5-7 6-4 6-4. The last couple of games in the match were particularly tough but she held on. I can only hope that the US media does not kill this girl with hype.

This will undoubtedly be one of the memorable moments of this year’s championships. Victoria Duval. Now can we all agree to protect her from the crazy US media hype?

Anyway here are most of the ladies results.

2		V. Azarenka	6	6
		D. Pfizenmaier	0	0
21		S. Halep	4	6	6
		H. Watson	6	4	2
27		S. Kuznetsova	6	7
		M. Burdette	3	5
		S. Peng	6	6
		Y. Meusburger	3	4
		T. Pironkova	3	3
		A. Riske	6	6
		A. Wozniak	7	77
		V. Dolonc	5	65
		D. Vekic	77	4	6
		M. Duque-Marino	65	6	2
28		M. Barthel	6	6
		J. Larsson	1	4
11		S. Stosur	7	4	4
		V. Duval	5	6	6
4		S. Errani	6	6
		O. Rogowska	0	0
20		N. Petrova	3	4
		J. Glushko	6	6
		M. Sanchez	5	2
		D. Hantuchova	7	6
		C. Scheepers	2	6	6
		C. Simmonds	6	2	1
17		D. Cibulkova	4	3
		E. Svitolina	6	6
		M. Lucic-Baroni	4	4
		S. Vickery	6	6
26		A. Cornet	6	6
		M. Koehler	3	2

 

This is how you look when you on court and stuffing your face with a double bagel. (Vickie’s 1st round opponent)

See this is how Ivanovic The Terrible and I are always at odds with each other. She should be concentrating on her on court game instead of holding court with these men who have absolutely no interest in tennis and are just thinking about how they can pitch a “group play” session with all 4 of them to her

Can we just for a moment talk about this piece? WTF? is that a panty outline/silhouette on this thing? I mean seriously?

Rory has to shield his eyes from this filth

Maybe this is sleep deprivation at work here but I swear, Monfils is looking more put together….less Beetlejuicish here

Oh yes… Daniel Evans is shirtless… yessssssss

You know he’s thinking about me right here

See we have a problem here. This bushy tail rat got tickets to the US Open and I don’t. WTF??

Wimbledon 2013 Day 6

 

YEAHHHHH I’m going to the 2nd week of Wimbledon

So Day 6 of Wimbledon is always exciting because it determines the last set of players to make it to 2^nd Monday when all 16 4^th round matches are played. It is one of the biggest days in tennis. Typically or I should say for the other 3 majors, the matches are always staggered by halves of the respective draws until the semifinals. Anyway, there were several matches to be finished which were carried over from Day 5. So let us deal with those first. I guess the good thing about no play on the Middle Sunday is that players whose matches were carried over from Friday have at least one day’s rest and should be recharged for Monday’s main event. I kinda feel like I am forgetting to tell you something but I am not entirely sure what it is. Perhaps my brain is all fried at this point. I lack sleep and right now I am so hungry but I do not want to spoil my diet and have a meal at this hour. It is the summer and one cannot hide under the layers of coats and sweaters.

Kvitova is getting her life together. With a smile like this, it is hard to see why I call her GHW

Anywho, let us get to the tennis. On the ladies side, Petra Kvitova got her life together when her match resumed on Saturday. She quickly dealt with Makarova who as we all know can be a dangerous floater. Kvitova is through to the Round of 16 for the 4 straight years at least I think. She always seems to have a good run at Wimbledon despite sucking everywhere else. GHW Kvitova 6-3 2-6 6-3. Now before we go on, I was informed by one of my fanz that there is this very very vicious rumour going around that Kvitova dumped her lil boyfriend and might be cuddling up with Radek Stepanek….I just vomited a lil in my mouth. I mean seriously… I am not substantiating this rumour or anything but WTF?? WTMFF?? Who the hell is this guy? I mean, he is one of the ugliest things on tour….oh okay, perhaps I am not supposed to say that he is ugly as we are all God’s creatures…But good heavens is this guy unpretty? How is it that he is bagging these ladies? Nicole Viadisova, Martina Hingis and now possibly Petra Kvitova? Hold up! Hold up! I mean clearly drugs are involved. Martina Hingis…hello…The thing is, if any of this is true about Petra and Shark Boy, is that Radek is a married man. He is married to Nicole who inexplicably gave up her career to be a housewife. It should be noted that whenever Radek gets with a lady on tour, her tennis suffers tremendously as a result.

Stephens again having a nice run at the majors

Anyway, Sloane Stephens (17) finished off Petra Cetkovska in the 3^rd set 6-4. Stephens who had dropped the 2^nd set 0-6, showed some guts which she only seem to display at majors this year. Anyway, she is through to her 1^st Round of 16 at Wimbledon. Pironkova, another player who seem to come alive at majors, in particular this major, is also through to the Round of 16. She beat Petra Martic 6-1 4-6 6-2. Pironkova is through to her 3^rd Round of 16 at Wimbledon if I am not mistaken. Monica Puig has extended her run of good fortunes at this major as she made it to the 2^nd week. She took out Birnerova 4-6 6-3 6-4. I am really happy for the Puerto Rican. 14^th Sam Stosur looked poised to have a good run at Wimbledon but you know Sam and how anti-success she can be. With a game tailor made for the grass, she always has better luck on the clay than grass. Anyway, she won the 1^st set 6-4 but then lost her way as Sabine Lisicki who seems to love the grass, came back blazing 6-2 6-1. Losicki is in another round of 16 at Wimbledon. Last year, she won over Shriekapova.

Sabine in sweet form at these Championships

Other winners include Laura Robson who has finally given the British crowd something to cheer about on the ladies side. She took out Marina Erakovic of New Zealand who if I am not mistaken, served for the match. However, Robson came back to take the whole thing in 3 sets. Robson 1-6 7-5 6-3. Last year’s finalist Aggie Radwanska (4) has been quietly moving through the draw without much fanfare and this is just the way she likes it. She took on American Madison Keys who I was hoping would have caused the upset but Bratzwanska proved to be too much for the teenager and Radwanska is through to the 4^th round 7-5 4-6 6-3. Kaia Kanepi took out another American teenager Riske in straight sets 6-2 6-3. Meanwhile Roberta Vinci (11) is also through to the Round of 16 as she took out 18^th seed Dominika Cibulkova in straight sets 6-1 6-4. This is a somewhat surprising result because Vinci has not really shown much prowess to do much on grass and Cibulkova is a player with a lot of potential. However, Cibulkova loves pace and Vinci can give you a lot of “junk” and most definitely is not about power play.

Thanks for coming Granny Goodness… Now go bake me up cookies. The tennis court is not place for a lady like you

The two remaining 3^rd round match ups saw the Serenanator and LiNaLi getting through to the 4^th round. The Serenanator took out Granny Goodness Date-Krumm 6-2 6-0. This really was no contest but Granny did well to get to this round. LiNaLi was another story. I would have loved for Klara Zakopalova to get through to the next round but LiNaLi got her life together. Klara (32) took the 1^st set 6-4 but got bagelled in the 2^nd 0-6. In the 3^rd set they played 14 games and Li came out on top 8-6. I think Klara is capable of being a real contender on tour but as always these young ones always seem to lose their way to the top.

All of my greatest threats have been bounced. I am in it to win it

On the men’s side, matters were more or less routine. Djoker (1) dispatched of Chardy (28) in straight sets 6-3 6-2 6-2. Meanwhile, Fiery Ferrer (4) was a bit cold against Dolgopolov (28) but pulled through in 5 sets 6-7 7-6 2-6 6-1 6-2. Dolgopolov would do well to work on his game and his focus his energy on career. He has such potential. A fanz explained to me that Dolgopolov loves the drink and once for certain showed up for a match drunk. The fanz was providing 1^st hand information but rehashed gossip  (as is so frequently published on blogs….of course no such rehashed rubbish is ever posted on this prestigious publication)

Tommy Haas is all excited that he is through to the 4th round of Wimbledon. Unfortunately, he faces Djoker

13^th seed Tommy Haas took out FeFe Lopez in 4 sets 4-6 6-2 7-5 6-4. I expected a bigger fight from Lopez but I guess in the end he had other issues to worry about seeing as his X Divadal is out vacationing and guess who just lost, yep Juan Monaco. Monaco (22) inexplicably lost to Kevin De Schepper from France 4-6 6-7 4-6. I do not know what the hell is going on in Monaco’s life but he has been well off the plot this year.

FeFe Lopez got bounced by the German

His mind is elsewhere

This is what has his mind all over the place

Juan Martin Del Potro (8) won over Greg Zemlja 7-5 7-6 6-0 and 7^th seed Berdshite also won over lengthy Kevin Anderson (27) 3-6 6-3 6-4 7-5. In perhaps the only major upset of the day, Richard Gasquet (9) was bounced from the tournament 6-7 7-5 5-7 6-7 to Bernard Tampomic. This is quite shocking because none of the seeded Frenchmen are around, which means that Benoit Paire (25) lost to Lukas Kubot in straight sets 1-6 3-6 4-6. There was another retirement as Dodig moved through to the 4^th round when his opponent Sijsling retired after being down 0-6 1-6 0-1. Other winners include 5 set king Andreas Seppi (23) who knocked out Nishikori 3-6 6-2 6-7 6-1 6-4. Seppi seems to love playing 5 set matches. Mikhail Youzhny (20) and Fernando Tabasco Verdasco are both through to the 4^th round. They have a lot in common. They have a lot of potential but mainly try to suck at tennis so badly you find it impossible to believe that they were ever in the top 10 at one point in their career. Youzhny took out Troicki in straight sets as did Verdasco when he bounced Ernest Gulbis (talk about another wasted talent).

Had you shown this level of tenacity on court, perhaps you might have done better

Bonehead Benoit. He lost the match and now going to lose his money

There will I hope be a preview issue for the round of 16 match up where I will try to give some sorta insights into the Monday Madness as well as my predictions. Do not get to Follow this blog and also COMMENT!

Yes I won two games. Thank the tennis gods for small miracles

And weave is flowing… This lion definitely needs taming

For you Tiann

Which one of you motherfcukers farted in the royal box? I don’t smell anything

Gurl do me now. Remember not too much red on this side… it does not bring out my eyes

Bernard being a bad bad bad boy

So he’s on his knees and there’s balls out in the open…..all of the elements are there but why isn’t this picture right?

Day 4 of Wimbledon 2013

Day 4 proved to be a better day for seeded players as no major upsets occurred unless you count the rains which finally came and put an end to nearly half of the day’s scheduled matches. Nonetheless, matches were played.

Apparently the rain isn’t in Spain

On the ladies’ side, the Serenanator put an end to any upset bug spreading at Wimbledon when she dealt with the Frenchwoman Caroline Garcia. This was the 2^nd major in a row that they were meeting in the 2^nd round and it was a 2^nd spanking for the Frenchwoman. Serena 6-3 6-2. 4^th seed Bratzwanska also won comfortably over her Mathilde Johansson another Frenchwoman. LiNaLi (6) had a drop in the brain as she fought off Simona Halep 6-2 1-6 6-0 to move through to the 3^rd round. 11^th and 14^th seed Vinci and Stosur are also through to the 3^rd round. It is surprising that Stosur has got this far at Wimbledon as she has always struggled on the grass. She could meet the Serenanator in the Round of 16 if they both progressed to that stage. Stosur has pegged the American in their last two major meetings.

Gurl this wear is a real mess. You need to fix this STAT

What’s in the bag Patty? Serenanator and I have plans later….if you know what I mean. WINK WINK

 

Why hasn’t this girl washed this ridiculous dye out of her hair as yet??

 

Moaning Mona Barthel most certainly wanted to flush herself down a toilet because her game stunk!!

 

Roberta Vinci. I do not know why she always looks like someone’s grandmother

 

Cibulkova

 

Madison Keys

 

Granny Goodness

 

LiNaLi finally got her life together

 

Also looking to be in splendid form is Sabine Lisicki (23) who has always enjoyed a nice run on the grass at Wimbledon. She took out Vesnina in straight sets and will move into the 3^rd round. Other seeded players who made it through include Dominika Cibulkova (18) and Klara Zakopalova (32). Granny Goodness Kimiko Date-Krumm at the age of 42 has made it through to the 3^rd round of a major. She will however play the Serenanator for a place in the Round of 16. By way of upsets, both the 24^th seed, Shuai Peng and 30^th seed, Moaning Mona Barthel were knocked out of the draw by two up and coming players, New Zealand’s Marina Erakovic and American Madison Keys.

Look at those legs for Lisicki

On the men’s side of the draw, top seed Djoker Harlequeen got through his match somewhat comfortably albeit he had to play it under the closed roof of Centre Court. He took the last American man in the draw, Bobby Reynolds in straight sets.

Hey gurl!!

Bust a move!!!

By this time, both James Blake and Denis Kudla had already been eliminated from the tournament. You know it is problem when American men are struggling to win matches on grass. Anyway, 7^th seed, Berdshite (he beat my baby Daniel Brands…as if Berdshite needs more reason for me to dislike him) and 8^th seed Beast Boy Del Potro also moved through to the 3^rd round in straight sets. Although for a minute, Del Potro took a walkabout but he did not lose a set as the 9^th seed Richard Gasquet did in his match. Gasquet, however, won his encounter and moved to the next round. He has had some success on the grass in the past so he is looking to continue that trend. 12^th seed Kei Nishikori also won. 17^th seed Milos Raonic lost in straight sets to Dutch Igor Sijsling and I think it is time we write off Raonic as another potential talent that went to the planet of Nowhere. He seems to only have strength for Mr. Federer on the tour level but continues to struggle everywhere else. Perhaps we are being too harsh on him but I eagerly await for me to prove me wrong.

Beast Boy is through to the 3rd round

Huh? What’s going on here? Can someone help me find my way home?

Two other players withdrew on the men’s side and this time a pair of Frenchmen; Michael Llodra and Paul-Henri Mathieu. This brings the total number of retirement at this year’s Wimbledon to 12 and we have yet to complete the 2^nd round. We are one shy of the record of 13 from Wimbledon 2008. Feliciano Lopez is through to the 3^rd round due to Mathieu’s retirement. Andrea Seppi (23) benefitted from Llodra’s withdrawal as he moved through to the 3^rd round. Llodra retired from his singles match to later play doubles with Nicolas Mahut and they moved through to the next round when one of their opponents retired. Llodra stated that his hamstring being precarious at this stage, faced less uncertainty when he plays doubles because he only has to cover half the court. I guess since many players often default from doubles when they have a nice singles run, we should not be too surprised that the opposite can occur. Nonetheless, we are not a huge fan of Llodra in these parts, so I would just say to Llodra “WHATEVER! Ain’t nobody got time for that!” Mr. Shriekapova aka Dimitrov, is locked in a battle down 8-9 in the 5^th set and was getting ready to serve to stay in the match when the rains came. He resumes his match early tomorrow.

Hotness Lopez

I put a picture here of Kei for one of my fanz…. a lil tongue action for you

I am just gonna have a lil snack break of grass

Hmmm

10.0 for Grigor Dimitrov

And his “girlfriend” definitely likes what she see

OMG, this is a real life black person in our midst. I have never touched one of you before. Are you understanding what I am saying?

Anyway I think we have finally got it and back on schedule! Please do not forget to follow Realz on Twitter, like on Facebook and also Follow this blog!

2013 Wimbledon Day 1

Please forgive me

Welcome my fanz. Let me apologize for not finishing up the French Open coverage by posting pieces on the semis and finals of the tournament. I mean what can I say, I was definitely over the French Open at that stage. The semis were all kinda lacklustre especially since Djoker came up limp against Divadal. He can be such a loser. Serenanator just simply dismantled Errani and surprisingly so did David Ferrer against Tsonga. Shriekapova had a tough time against Vickie but as per the norm, she can handle Vickie on the clay. Anyway, no surprise in the end, Divadal and the Serenanator won the singles titles and quite comfortably too; both in straight sets.

Divadal won his 8th French Open title

The Serenantor captured her 2nd French title and 16th major

There might be a lot to say about the French Open in the end but really and truly, I rather not because it will only be the same ole rhetoric especially on the men’s side. Very proud of David Ferrer for getting to a major finals. Particularly impressed that it was the French Open where he made his maiden final. And besides, I am so over the French.

Getting the grass ready

Anyway so Wimbledon 2013 is here and I guess this one will be marked my far more circumstances off the court than on the court. The lineup all remained the same with the usual suspects all in tow. Divadal is seeded 5th. Now everyone and their grandmother has been weighing in on this matter and many felt that the committee should have given Divadal a boost but really does it matter? This is Rafael “Freaking” Nadal we are talking about. He could destroy the field whether he is ranked 100 or 1. And with his 5th place seeding, he will not face any of the top guys till the quarters, in this draw it would be Mr. Federer. So I hardly see what the deal is with this. Furthermore, Divadal skipped like 7 months from the tour and lost last year in the 2nd round. WTF does he expect them to do, tell him to pick his place? Divadal should get to the quarters at the very least and it is not like he is afraid of Mr. Federer. The people talking about this are simply looking for something to talk about.

Enough about this silly talk about Divadal being seeded 5th

Anyway, on the women’s side, it is Serenanator and Shriekapova’s drama that is heating up the courts. Now much of it is hardly worth mentioning because it is clearly rumour mongers trying to stir up some trouble. The women’s game hardly needs fiction to stir things up but it seems that since the Serenanator has kept her nose clean since 2009/2011 US Open, people are still on her case looking for trouble by trying to tickle the dragon.

Wait we aren’t here to talk about my weave?? You’re joking right??

So the rumour is that the Serenanator was allegedly talking to Venus via telephone. In the other room (if I have the story correctly) was a reporter from the Rolling Stones  that was conducting an interview with the Serenanator. The reporter overheard a partial one-sided conversation and reported that the following was said by the Serenanator: “top-five player who is now in love … begins every interview with ‘I’m so happy. I’m so lucky’ — it’s so boring. She’s still not going to be invited to the cool parties. And, hey, if she wants to be with the guy with a black heart, go for it.” The reporter then noted that  an “educated guess” would surmised that ReRe is talking about Maria and Grigor. Supposedly, ReRe was going out with Grigor at one point albeit no one has noted when and where exactly this point was. I personally find this impossible to believe but stranger things have happened.

She can take this and run with it

Shriekapova in her press conference retorted with this bit when asked about the matter: “At the end of the day, we have a tremendous amount of respect for what we do on the court. I just think she should be talking about her accomplishments, her achievements, rather than everything else that’s just getting attention and controversy. If she wants to talk about something personal, maybe she should talk about her relationship and her boyfriend that was married and is getting a divorce and has kids. Talk about other things, but not draw attention to other things. She has so much in her life, many positives, and I think that’s what it should be about.”

Now again, there was no mention of Maria’s name in the conversation nor did the reporter ask Serena to clarify who she was talking about. Mainly because she was not talking to him. Nonetheless, he choose to report what is tantamount to be gossip. Anyway, the Serenanator apologized to Maria personally stating that assumptions were made on the matter and that she is sorry that Maria got brought into the situation inadvertently. Now before I go any further, I have to clear up that I am not Maria’s biggest fan but I do respect her tenacity on court. I am particularly keen on how she takes a beating from the Serenanator and come out every single match up as though she could really hurt the American. However, I just want to zero in on some key points of Maria’s speech. AGAIN let me be clear, there is NO evidence that Serena was talking about Maria. ZERO. Nonetheless, Maria chose to air Serena’s business out to the public as though she was spreading the gospel. But I am not even dealing with that one at this point.

Maria you cannot win this fight!

Maria said, ” At the end of the day, we have a tremendous amount of respect for what we do on the court. Gurl ain’t no one really respect your game on court okay. Let’s be clear on that.  I just think she should be talking about her accomplishments, her achievements, rather than everything else that’s just getting attention and controversy. Now if the Serenanator gets in the press conference and talk about how she be beating your @$$ all year long and not to mention over the past 9 years, you’d get real bad. She should talk about how you got destroyed in Miami; up a set and a break, 3-2 in the 2nd set, you lost 10 straight games. You wanna talk about that?? If she wants to talk about something personal, maybe she should talk about her relationship and her boyfriend that was married and is getting a divorce and has kids. Talk about other things, but not draw attention to other things. How about we talk about the fact that Grigor is more than likely an undercover brother and that he’s straight like spaghetti…when cooked. She has so much in her life, many positives, and I think that’s what it should be about.” She is very positive that she will be beating your @$$ next time she meets you on court. Apparently she was too generous with you at the French. Therefore next time it is business as usual. Buttered bagels and breadsticks. You have short term memory. You forgot 2012 Olympic final: 6-0 6-1. Gurl, get your life!

Vickie almost broke her knee

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. So let’s just get to the real meat of the matter. The Tennis:
Maria (3) won her match against a young up and coming Frenchwoman Mladenovic in straight sets 7-6 6-3. Mladenovic has a lot more to learn on tour though but she has a really good serve. 2nd seed Vickie won her match comfortably but in pain. She nearly “broke her knee” and her future in this tournament might be in jeopardy. She came back after the injury and in tears to take the match 6-1 6-2. It was so funny to watch my Twitter feed as people were losing their minds over how crazy Vickie’s opponent was. She was hitting the ball back to Vickie instead of trying to make her run from side to side. I know Bratzwanska must have been screaming with rage at the sight of Vickie calling out the trainer and then playing “fit as a fiddle” afterwards. Vickie and Bratzwanska use to be best friends but a similar incident happened in early 2012 that sent Aga B to be screaming in the press conference and thus ended a friendship. It certainly did not end her losing streak against Vickie though and I for one am happy for that.

Help! Help! I can’t get up

Anyway, other winners of the day on the ladies side include 12th seed Ana Ivanovic aka Ivanovic the Terrible who won over Razzano 7-6 6-0. Now I have to add her that I saw Ana’s “new look” and she is way too skinny. Ever since winning the 2008 French Open, she has been yo-yoing on her weight like Oprah back in the days. She is floating between anorexic and healthy if you ask me. Right now, she is definitely leaning towards the, “I need a cookie smothered with cream STAT!” Anywho, Kvitova aka GHW (8) struggled past American Coco Vandeweghe. Meanwhile, 5th seed Sara Errani got bounced in the 1st round by Puerto Rican, Monica Puig. Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit won her match in straight sets but I for one am not holding out hope that she is in good form and will make a decent run here at Wimbledon. Bartoli (15) and her countrywoman Cornet (29) also went through to the 2nd round as did Fivehead JungleWitch Jankovic (16) Lady Gollum Safarova (27), Sorana Cirstea (22), Flipkens (20), and Sloane Stephens (17) who won over fellow American Jaime Hampton. I think Hampton was exhausted after making it to her 1st WTA final last week in Eastbourne. She lost to Vesnina. Other winners of interest are Andrea Petkovic who received a wild card into the tournament, Bojana Jovanovski, American Christina McHale and Flavia Pennetta.

Dulko and hubby at their wedding

Oh yeah, if I am not mistaken, Pennetta’s former doubles partner, Gisela Dulko of Argentina recently gave birth to a baby recently. Apparently she retired from the tour and got married to an Argentine footballer. Good for her. And while we are on the subject of pregnancy. Look who is also expecting….

I know! I don’t even know where to file this bit of information

Anyway onto the men. There is little to be said that the news of the day was Divadal’s early round exit from the tournament. Divadal a 2 time champion and 5 time finalist got stick by Belgian Steven Darcis (You don’t pronounce the s thus Darsee) 7-6 7-6 6-4. Darcis played really remarkable and he held his own throughout. He was not about to let Divadal get away with murder. He had a one handed backhand which Divadal was treating with this same disdain and contempt that he holds for the Mr. Federer’s unemployed backhand. However, Darcis’ backhand was paying dividend as it was getting traction especially the slice backhand. Divadal could not deal and resorted to defending which was not helping much as he was always on the back foot and unable to create winning opportunities for himself. All in all, this lost should not come as any real surprise. Divadal had to have a let down at some point. He went off tour for 7 months but came back with a vengeance. He made the finals of all 8/9 tournaments he entered and only failing to win twice plus he retained his French Open crown for a record 8th win at a single major. WTF should his fanz be complaining about?

His head gone bad. Didn’t know what to do

Darcis stuck to the game plan: Get 2nd round prize money

Adios amigo

The ball children were so excited that Divadal is out. They no longer have to be behind him as he pick his drawers.

Anyway, Divadal was hardly the only men’s seed to fall out, 11th seed Stan Wawrinka lost to Hewitt in straight sets, 14th seed Janko Douchsaravic lost to fellow countryman Troicki, 30th seed Fognini lost to Jurgen Melzer. Divadal’s vanquisher from last year’s Wimbledon, Lukas Rosol lost in the 1st round too. Besides this, most of the usual suspect made it through to the 2nd round.(3) Mr. Federer 6-3 6-2 6-0 over Victor Hanescu, (2)Lochness Monster also in straight sets over Becker,  (10) Cilic is through as are (6) Tsonga, (24) Jerzy Janowicz, (18) BFG Isner, (25) Benoit Paire, (22) Juan Monaco and 32nd seed Tommy Robredo. Other notable winners were Ernest Gulbis and Dustin Brown of Germany/Jamaica.

Mr. Federer in supreme form

I would really like to know the hair products that Verdasco Tabasco puts into his hair

Meanwhile, I wish someone put some products in this one’s hair

As for Dustin Brown’s hair….no comment at this time

He definitely needs some products…more than likely Rogaine

I think Vickie is channeling Grace Jones today

My 5th head says there will be no rain today

Ana you are as thin as a sheet of paper

I don’t even want to see the rest of this picture because I know I would be scarred for life

Dude, Listerine! like seriously, don’t be breathing into my face…

Divadal, why is your hand by my ass??

Hopefully you made it all the way down here because I have a lil segment I wanted to interject into this First posting of Wimbledon 2013. So after all this Serena/Maria/Grigor bit, I decided to do a lil research and scour those places and speak to my sources to get you my Realz fanz the realz deal. So here’s the dealio.

Last year Shriekapova was dating some basketball player who left the NBA for Europe during lockout. They were engaged!

Then according to rumour, Shriekapova got dumped or dumped Sascha after he done did knocked up some girl

Anywho, at the Olympics it might be, Serenanator and Grigor struck up a friendship

And perhaps things got a lil carried away. I can hardly blame her. She had a lot of time on her hand seeing as she was dismantling the field but something went awry…

I think the Serenanator figured something was not on the straight and narrow so she let this one go

She allegedly went on to greener pastures

Oooo kay….

And Grigor and Maria found each other

Love they say… but ladies, never ever let your man and you leave the house and he looks better than you…. NEVER

Can you spot the invisible handbag like I can??

Need I say more about the matter of the man being better dressed than the lady

But then I stumbled upon these pictures…. Hmmm

Hmmmm

All right… I am not saying a word about this …. Gurl you need to slow your roll… I don’t get down like that

Don’t forget, it is only rumour if you spread it okay!!!

French Open 2013: Jour 7

Day 7 at the French Open saw the weather cooperating mightily with the French Tennis Federation as the weather was beautiful and so was the tennis. Well at least on the men’s side.

Let’s deal with the ladies: Francesco Schiavone did the world a favour by taking out Marion Bartoli (13) out of these championships. I was tired of seeing her. Usually I am not a big big hater of the Frenchwoman but as of late, she bugs me. I cannot deal with the messiness she brings on court. Schiabone was playing around as she recaptured her 2010/2011 French Open form and dispatched Fatoli 6-2 6-1. There were no heroics from her today and she just had to accept the 2 piece and breadstick with scathing humility.

Schiabone was laying into Bartoli like she was a Christmas ham. Poor Fatoli could barely stand

Meanwhile, it was not a good day for the other Frenchwoman in the draw, Alize Cornet. Cornet came out strong against Vickie and for a while, she looked like she was about to do it. Ordinarily, Vickie’s serve is not her greatest strength but yesterday, it was providing to be her greatest weakness. She was double faulting like Elena Dementieva aka The Demented One. It was not a pretty sight. Cornet took the 1st set and for half a set it looked like she was really going to cause this upset. However, a cat will always be a cat even when trying to be a dog. You knew it was only a matter of time before she started to act like a French player. Choking, erratic shots, poor serving going for impossible shots and Vickie just jumped all over that one. Cornet was bounced before she knew it 4-6 6-3 6-1 Vickie.

Cornet lost her way half through the match and couldn’t find a lifeline for nothing

Maria Krazilenko and her compatriot Shriekapova were both tested in their matches but pulled through in the end in straight sets. Krazilenko beat Stephanie Voegele 7-6 7-5 and Shriekapova beat Jie Zheng 6-1 7-5. Krazilenko and Shriekapova will face Bethanie Mattek-Sands and fellow American Slaone Stephens in the Round of 16. Both Americans held it together beautifully to get through their 3rd round opponents. At one point it looked like they might choke it all away but they got their shit together. Mattek-Sands knocked out Paula Ormaechea 4-6 6-1 6-3 and Stephens beat Marina Erakovic of New Zealand 6-4 6-7 6-3 Nice to see the American women stepping it up.

Kvitova is just having a rough time since winning 2011 Wimbledon and here comes the waterworks

And speaking of American ladies, Jaime Hampton had one of the biggest wins of her career when she knocked out GHW Kvitova in straight sets no less. I have pointed out that Kvitova is on the walkabout these days. Since her 2011 Wimbledon victory she has been to the moon and deep outer space of tennis badlands. This head witch hardly knows where her head is most matches as she can barely put together a decent match of tennis. Lately her serve is her greatest liability after her head. Hampton capitalised on it all to win 6-1 7-6

American Jaime Hampton

In other news of upset Sam D’Stove Stosur just got herself bounced from the French after showing such great form. She got dispatched by none other than Fivehead JungleWitch Jankovic. I mean Samantha what the hell? You’re killing Aussi fans with the bullshite. I can’t with you losing 6-3 3-6 4-6 to the likes of Fivehead JungleWitch Jankovic.

Just sucks to be me right now!!

Fivehead JungleWitch Jankovic is finding herself back

On the men’s side, Djoker Harlequeen came out hard against Dimitrov. Whatever notion the Bulgarian was harbouring of causing some kinda improbable win over the Serb as he did in Madrid was quickly dismissed when Djoker dropped that first two piece on his plate. Grigor knew then that Novak was not skylarking with him. This is the majors boo and we do not give out free match wins. No girl, the only thing that is going to be upset out here is your stomach. 6-2 6-2 6-3.

Yeah thanks for coming but I think you need lay off the Sugarpova before you can beat me again

Kohlschreiber was similarly brutal in his match against Hanescu. Bagel and breadstick were toasting in the oven. It was all Hanescu could do in the 2nd set to force a tiebreaker. 6-0 7-6 6-1 Kohlschreiber. Richard Gasquet and Wawrinka both had relatively easy time in their respective encounters. Gasquet took out veteran Davydenko in straight sets 6-4 6-4 6-3 and Wawrinka dismissed up and coming Janowicz in 4 sets 6-3 6-7 6-3 6-3.

BFG Big Friendly Giant was trying to squeak out a 2nd consecutive 5 setter. Don’t make that face again

Tommy Haas is having himself a wonderful year this year as he finds himself in the Round of 16 of another major. It has been a while since we have seen Haas in form and seeing as he is 33/34, might not see him on tour for much longer. He took on the hard hitting American BFG. It was a highly competitive match. Haas won the 1^st 2 sets followed by Isner winning the next 2. They went all the way in the 5^th set. Haas came out on top 7-5 7-6 4-6 6-7 10-8. This was the 2^nd 5-setter Isner played and though he does not have the greatest record in these matches, he played valiantly. You have earned Realz Respect, which in these parts means a lot.

Youzhny is a head case. Can he keep it together in the next round vs Haas??

The Douche got placed in the outhouse!!

Haas will face Mikhail Youzhny who can be such an inconsistent player (most Russians are) but today he is definitely consistent. He took out Doucharevic in straight sets. I have to say that I am very surprised that Douchie got this far because his form coming into this tournament was very suspect. However, he managed to squeak out two wins in the first two rounds and found himself outplayed by the Russian. Youzhny 6-4 6-4 6-3.

Kei Nishikori. This picture is posted special for fanz who is all about getting on this Kei Fish

Kei Nishikori played the Beautiful Benoit who has been playing relatively well these few days. However, Nishikori was all over him throughout the match and though Benoit won the 2^nd set, tiebreaker, he played miserably for much of the match particularly in the last two sets. It was though he was erratic on purpose. It is just as well because had he won the match, he would have been facing Divadal. Nishikori 6-3 6-7 6-4 6-1.

Benoit looking like he about to take a dump was most definitely playing shite out on court for much of the match

Divadal has looked particularly vulnerable throughout these championships. His serve is breakable, his shots missing and hardly imposing as has been the case through his 7 French Open titles. It might just be that he is at his A- level. However, he is somewhat struggling against mediocre players. He won his match over Fognini in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-4 but it was hardly a convincing victory. I mean it hard to bet against Divadal at the French; the  man played here for 8 consecutive years and lost only 1 match during the 8 years: IMPRESSIVE. However, never have I seen him look so vulnerable as he has this year. I am not sure what he is going through but if he continues to look this way, someone else might just pull off the upset.

She is pumped and charged to claim her 8th French Open title in 9 years

A diva is never complete without the proper attire and the right accessories! #divagear

Oh Fognini what do we have here? How do I see the rest of it?

WTF? Why the hell are you trying to grab my ass? I do not know you like that!