2015 Australian Open: Day 1 of Horrors!

Hey y’all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open. I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don’t get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

So the 2015 Australian Open has officially begun! And boy or gurl or lady depending on who you are, was it an explosive first day, particularly on the women’s side. It was as though a cyclone or something ripped through the draw as the top seeds were being scattered left, right and center. These female underlings were gunning for the top seeds and trying to get that 2^nd round money because it is definitely more than the cheque for the 1^st round. Things were so massive that we do not even have time to chit chat, we have to go right to main story! 

Of the 16 seeded players from the bottom half who took to court to play their 1^st round matches, EIGHT of them lost. That’s right, 8/16, half of them, 50% of them were sent packing; dismissed; bid adieu; arrivederci or as they say in Australia, goodbye! It was amazing and shocking to a certain extent and I have seen a lot of tennis. I mean granted that several of them were not really surprises or upsets in my book. However, the sheer magnitude of the fallout was too epic to go unnoticed.

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN’S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

So let’s look at the damage done. The highest seed to fall was Ana Ivanovic (5) aka Ivanovic the Terrible. Now Ana took on Lucie Hradecka (pronounced Herdeskka, I know but it is Czech if I am not mistaken) Anyway, Ana was cruising 6-1 in the 1^st set and I swore she was going to sail through this match. However, we all know how Ivanovic the Terrible be showing up and wrecking Ana’s life and sure enough out came doppelganger. Ana’s ball toss was all over the place for the serve. She was stretching like it was Pilates class out there and Hradecka was enjoying the free points and nice cracks at the silly serves. Hradecka then wrapped up the match 1-6 6-3 6-2! Needless to say that Ana tried to stall things by going up to the chair umpire several times mid-game. She can never lose gracefully #checkyourpressuregurl

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please! Get out of my head!

After Ana was sent home, then came Carebear Kerber (9) who was off kilter from the beginning of the match v Irina-Camelia Begu. Begu was serious about the upset from the very start. She got the early breaks and though Kerber broke back, Begu was undeterred as she took the 1^st set 6-4. Begu got broken early in the 2^nd set and decided smartly I guess to tank the set altogether. She did enough to make Angie work for it and gave away the set at love. However, in the 3^rd set, she unleashed her reserves and Angie was left scrambling at the back of the court. She returned the kindness of the bagel from Angie with a breadstick for the German. Begu bagged the upset win 6-4 0-6 6-1.

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Two other big upsets were Lucie Safarova (16) aka Lady Gollum and Carla Suarez-Navarro (17). Safarova can be a dangerous floater but it seemed that she drew another dangerous floater in the form of Yaroslava Shvedova for a 1st round match. Shevedova came out inspired to score the upset on the 1^st day and succeeded as she dismissed the Czech 6-4 2-6 8-6. Carla was just disappointing all around. She did not even put up much of a fight as some Carina Witthoeft took her out 3-6 1-6. To be honest I am not even going to shed any tears for Carla because I will never forget that Aussie Open 2009 when she took out Granny Vee in the 2^nd round.

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Two veteran players, Svetlana Kuznetsova (27) aka Kuzi-Rex and Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki, got outplayed by two French women, Caroline Garcia and Kristina Mladenovic respectively. Kuzi-Rex was just not in the game at all. She allowed Garcia to take the upperhand in the match from the jump and only broke her in order to save face. Garcia nonetheless got the win 6-4 6-2. Mladenovic had a tougher time against Lose-sicki as she dropped the opening set 4-6. However, after trading breaks early in the 2^nd set, Mladenovic consolidated finally and kept on holding to take the match 4-6 6-4 6-2.

I don’t know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

The final two of the top seeds to get bounced are not really upsets in my book but by virtue of the rankings, they do register as “upsets”. Julia Goerges played a great match from start to finish to take out Belinda Bencic (32) in straight sets 6-2 6-1 and Yanina Wickmayer steadied herself after losing the opening set 4-6 to knock out Anastasia Fattychunkova (23) 4-6 6-3 6-3. And like I said, although we have to call these upsets because of the rankings, it is really not that serious. Bencic and Fattychunkova were not going to do anything anyway.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey (head of the WTA) I don’t lose to scrubs in early round of majors. That’s Serena. Don’t get it twisted!

Well not that we took care of the “big losers” we can talk about the “big winners”. Martha Shriekapova (2) and Simona Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide were both looking rusty as hell in their opening round matches. Neither was in danger of losing the match. However, perhaps if they were playing a more seasoned opponent, things could have been interesting. Nonetheless, they both won their matches in straight sets and through to the 2^nd round. Martha 6-4 6-1 over Petra Martic and Halep 6-3 6-2 over Karin Knapp.

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Genie Bouchard (7) who has to defend her semifinal points from last year, is one step closer as she took out Anna-Lena Friedsam 6-2 6-4. I am not sure she will get back to the semis but she as hell did not lose in the 1^st round so good of her. Another winner is Ekaterina Makarova (10) [I do not even realize she was ranked so high on the charts]. Anyway Makarova took out An-Sophie (I mean seriously that is her name) Mestach 6-2 6-2. Sara Errani (14) dismantled American Grace Min 6-1 6-0 in less than an hour.

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn’t fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life! And congrats on the win!

Other notable winners include 2014 US Open semifinalist Shuai Peng (21) and Pliskova (22) both won in straight sets. Zarina Diyas (31) took out Aga Lite aka Urszula Radwanska in 3 sets. Roberta Vinci beat Bojana Jovanovski in straight sets as Bethanie Mattek-Sands overcame her opponent Ying-Ying Duan in 3 sets. American Christina McFail was near the exit when she had an opportune bout of nausea resulting in a Medical Time Out. Of course she recovered in time to hold serve like a boss against Frenchwoman Stephanie Foretz. McFail got her act together to win the match 12-10 in the final set. Again these ladies resorting to tricks whenever their backs are up against the wall! These trainers should have to give a full report upon each visit to the court and if the illness is not “real and/or possible” the player has to pay a fine. They are getting too ridiculous with these MTOs now.

That was a great read Realz

On the men’s side, things were far more copacetic than it was on the women’s side. In fact, I think there was only 1 major casualty and again if we look at the big picture, it was no real surprise. However, let’s deal with the usual suspects first.

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair .. or at least whatever is left of it

Divadal may try telling the world that he is not a favourite for this Aussie Open title, but like all things coming out of Divadal’s mouth regarding his health and fitness, it is a lie straight from the pit of tennis hell. Divadal (3) came out against Mikhail Youzhny on fire. Youzhny who is no real slouch most of the times, really had no answer against the Spaniard. Divadal was hitting winners from all over the court in the most impossible and improbable positions. The commentators from both ESPN and EuroSport were beside themselves. It was a circle jerk at times how they were fawning over Divadal. They talked about how his shorts were “the shortest ever”, they talked about how they “missed him so much” and even about this look and body. It was too much. Anyway, Divadal is through 6-3 6-2 6-2.

I am back to full force and don’t none of you bitches forget that!

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer (2) again appears on target to extend his 11-year run to the Aussie Open semifinal or better stage. He took out Yen-Hsun Lu in straight sets 6-4 6-2 7-5. Lochness Murray (6) made a meal of his match against Yuki Bhambri but in the end he won in straight sets 6-3 6-4 7-6(3). Berdshite (7) also made life a bit difficult for himself against Alejandro Falla but he still got the job done in 3 sets, 6-3 7-6(1) 6-3. Grigor Dimitrov (10) aka Martha’s Bulgarian handbag had an easy day at the office when he took out German-Jamaican Dusty Brown 6-2 6-3 6-2. The worst part of the matter was that Dusty Brown thought he was going to factor in this match. He at one point appeared as though he was trying to do something of interest on the court. Thankfully Dimitrov got his clutch together and snapped those foolish desires away.

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Other winners included Kevin Anderson (14) who at 6’8” (2.03m) took on an opponent more than a foot beneath him, Diego Schwartzman who is 5’7” (1.7m). Anderson still had to fight for his life as Schwartzman was digging at his heels. Anderson took the match in 4 sets. David Goffin (20) aka the Hobbit also won in 4 sets over American Mike Russell. Most of the top seeds won their matches in straight sets including Philipp Kohlschreiber (22), Ivo Karlovic (23), Richard Gasquet (24), Leonardo Mayer (26) and Martin Klizan (32). Lukas Rosol (28) who at 6’5” (1.96m) had the rare opponent whose face he had to look up to see, Kenny DeScheppers, 6’8” (2.03m). It was a virtual battle of the giants. However, Rosol eked out the win in 5 sets to advance to the 2^nd round. A possible 3^rd round encounter with Divadal looms in the draw if both players can win their next match.

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

There were several matches with winners that should be of some interests to some people. Lukas Lacko, Jurgen Melzer and Viktor Troicki were all winners on Day 1. Melzer came through from qualification showing  some Q3 (final round) heroics on the court. So good of him to come back from the brink of defeat in the qualies  and win a maindraw match to make some 2^nd round money. Troicki who won Sydney this past weekend faced the winner from Auckland, Jiri Vesely. Unfortunately, someone had to go home and it was Vesely in 4 sets. Jeremy Chardy (29) escaped a youthful Borna Coric who seemed to have thought that enthusiasm made up for experience. Coric took the 1^st set but then played the big points poorly for the rest of the match. Chardy thus capitalized on his inexperience to take the match in 4 sets.

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major. He made life very easy for Chardy. Nonetheless, the 18-year is still HOT

Another interesting result is that of Andreas Seppi v Denis Istomin. This first round encounter was their 5^th meeting at a major and in each of the 4 previous matches, they all went the distance. They both won 2 matches a piece. This 5^th match was no different as it again went to a decisive 5^th set. Seppi won it this time around and moved through to the 2^nd round. In other news and more so from the rumour mill, Divadal’s boo, Juan Monaco, Pico, lost to Italian Simone Bollelli. Please note that the rumour is not that Monaco lost but the fact that he is Divadal’s boo.

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic? I thought you said I shouldn’t go after stupid boys

As we are in Australia at the Australian Open, I think it prudent that we note the achievements of the Aussie men because we all know that the Aussie ladies be a mess in Melbourne. Several of the local favourites extended their stay in Melbourne including the hotness that is Sam Groth. So happy he is sticking around some more. Marinko Matosevic and James Duckworth also won and will play in the 2^nd round. Bernard Tomic aka Tampomic was in a bit of trouble against Tobias Kamke of Germany but it seems that Kamke was merely wasting time. He had difficulty holding onto any of the leads that he had and eventually got sweeped aside in 4 sets.

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st “major” seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Now there were two other matches which produced a lot of joy and excitement for the local crowd. Thanasi Kokkinakis and fellow Greek-Aussie Nick Kyrgios aka St. Nicky Kripsy Kringles both won tough 5-set matches. Kokkinakis took out Ernests Gulbis (11). I know Gulbis would not disappoint me by being disappointing in this opening round match. I have no idea why Gulbis lost this match other than to say that it was his entire entire fault. Kokkinaskis took it 5-7 6-0 1-6 7-6(2) 8-6. Krispy Kringles had his own dramatics calling out the trainer to deal with his “back”. He was struggling against Frederico Delbonis (the name sounds familiar but I do not know who he is either). Anyway, Kringles won 7-6(2) 3-6 6-3 6-7 6-3.

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

Anyway, that is enough about the matches! We look forward to Day 2. I hope it is nowhere near as crazy as this first day. That is to say, I hope the Williams Sisters do not lose. They have signed up for doubles and I have no idea why Granny Vee is adding more work to her schedule considering that she has Sjogren but you know I am not even going to touch this right now. Don’t forget that Slowe Stephens v Vickie is slated! Should be a very interesting match to say the least! Anyway fanz enjoy the posting and DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT!!

BIG PICTURE MIXED BAG IS BACK

I am so excited that this is back!!

 #TeamHotties

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Grigor’s stock have gone down as of late especially since he’s playing “house” with Martha but he can still get it.

Andreas Seppi isn’t looking at his best but he cannot get any worst! This Italian sausage is a sure bet on #teamcandefinitelygetit

We are not here for Divadal. He is just giving Fake Fire Ferrer more shine!

Tabasco Verdasco has definitely sen better days but he is still able to make the rounds as a resident hottie in these parts

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

#TeamCutie

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

#TeamNottie

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you’re a grown man

See he could be on #teamhottie

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

I don’t know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she’s definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

Am I wrong?

MIXED BAG PHOTOS

There is nothing I love more than when Tennis Players meet for an event. Here we have the IMG Agency party and so much goodies here for Realz to get it. 

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He’s a nightmare right about now! He has definitely been traded

Look at Heather. I don’t get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain’t cute! And let’s talk about that dress. That’s some avant garde upholstery fabric sewed together with some old pleather jacket and you trying to pass it off as fashion. #Gurlbye

I can’t even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. The clothes are cute but she is not making them work. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better. Meanwhile, I don’t know why the front of the jeans are bunching up like there is extra junk in that compartment. That was not a read, just being realz! #truthdotcom

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can’t get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that. 

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend (cause no way in hell a good friend let this happen) said, gurl let’s go to this party down the block, just put on some shoes and let’s go. So Genie just stuck her nightgown top into this pajama bottom shorts and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. Guess Again! The gurl on the right, Tomlijanovic, killed it!

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a style team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she’s wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. But I can’t even be mad at the kitten heels because everything else is so RIGHT!!Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she’s 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there’s no baby.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don’t need those fake ones anymore that I have at home.

Weather Problem? 

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne or so I thought …

So why are these people wearing this? That’s a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

It’s just a gay ole time in Melbourne 

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Then we have the “Genie Army” but what I don’t get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He’s relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that’s his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don’t think Uncle Toné approves of this message

 

2015 Australian Open: Womenz Preview

I am so happy to not be out there in the hot sun this year!

The Womenz Draw should be very interesting this year. For first time in a good while, Serena Williams is not the name of the favourite to win this tournament. Mind you, that is not to say that people are discounting the American. No, far from it. They simply think there might be others willing and capable of taking this major crown. In fact, Williams despite being the 5-time Australian champion is less favoured over Simona Halep (3) who apparently many feel is the sure bet winner. I am as confused by this as you are. I really cannot offer any real reason behind this logic other than to say since Halep is one of the 128 women signed up in the main draw, she, like each of the other 127 women do stand a chance of winning the title. That is the best I can do with this information.  

Someone tell ReRe that she is gonna need a hair net because I ain’t trying to eat none of that hair in my cake. (I am gonna pretend like I didn’t see those hair edges looking like a seaside cliff all rough and rocky)

Anyway, this 2015 season is just over 2 weeks old and there have been many oddities. Serena did not play a real tournament coming into the major as she has done in recent years. She was the two-time defending champion in Brisbane but she opted not to play that tournament for Hopman Cup, a mixed exhibition tournament. She made it to the finals with partner John Isner having struggled all the way there. Serenanator was well off her game though many say not to read much into this. Nonetheless, she got bagelled by Penne Pasta Pennetta, Bouchard clocked and snatched her wig winning in straight sets 6-1 6-2 or something like that and then struggled past Safarova. In the finals v Bratzwanska she was messy like a public bathroom. Again, one should not read much into this they say. I for one think that a Serena going into the Aussie Open full of confidence makes for a problematic Serena. Last three years 2012-2014, she was the heavy favourite and each year saw the American leaving Melbourne empty-handed. Hopefully this year brings greater fortune.

Serena didn’t come this year and I finally got the Brisbane title

In her absence, Martha (2) picked up the Brisbane title seeing as she lost to Serena there the last two years. Anyway, Shriekapova avenged her Cincinnati loss to Ivanovic the Terrible (5) in the final. Martha, the 3-time finalist and 2008 Champion is definitely looking to pick up another Aussie title. Simona Halep like I said is also inexplicably in my book, garnering a lot of attention. Many feel that she can take the crown here. She won a title in Shenzhen and then signed up to play Sydney. She pulled out thankfully citing injury. I do not understand why Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug thinks she has to play week in and week out. It is just not that serious.

Simona Halep aka Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug with her Shenzhen trophy

GHW Kvitova with her Sydney trophy

Who eventually won Sydney was GHW Kvitova (4) who lost to some Bascinzsky girl in straight sets in Shenzhen in the first week. I do not understand how that happened myself but I saw the match so I can tell you with much certainty that it did happen for real. So Kvitova is coming into a major having played two weeks of tennis. I am not her coach so again I am clueless as to logic behind this bit of madness. Look I am not trying to shade Petra here or anything like that but I have this slight observation. Petra be playing so much tennis yet she is not the fittest lady on tour. I do not get this but clearly it is not for me to get.

Granny Vee with her Auckland trophy and moist hairdo

Anyway, while we are on the subject of fitness, spare me a moment of your time to talk about Ebony Starr aka Granny Vee aka Venus Williams (18). Venus returned to Auckland this year having lost in last year’s final and again made a very decisive run this year to take the title. She faced her sister’s supposed BFF Caroline Woz aka Danish Biscuit (8) for the title. Venus who has never lost to the Dane was en pointe after dropping the opening set. So Granny Vee is also coming into this tournament with a lot of steam behind her name. Meanwhile, Agatha aka Bratzwanska (6) got herself a new coach, the one and only Martina Navratilova. So a lot of buzz is behind Agatha now because the perennial bridesmaid is looking to finally be the bride and win a major. Martina thinks she can do this. I have my doubts about this. Anyhow, so Aga beat Serena at the exhibition and the ESPN cronies were beside themselves; “It’s the Martina influence!” Then Agatha went to a real tournament and lost her opening match. Is this Martina again? I just sipped my tea because if I say something people will say I am a hater. So I am going to keep quiet on this matter.

Anyway, in other really big news on the women’s side is the fact that the number 1 ranking is up for grabs amongst Serenanator, Shriekapova, Koolaide Jug and GHW (Grand High Witch. I am not being mean here at but sometimes Petra be reminding me of Anjelica Huston from The Witches. Check it out and comment below if you agree and/or disagree). Anyway, the top 4 ladies all have a chance to be number 1 depending on how far they each go and how well the others do.

Wait what? We can all be Number 1 at the end of this week? NO only the Top 4 and just in case you’re unclear about this Caro, that means, ReRe, Martha, Simona and Petra! Because some of you look like you can’t count … No shade Genie

Let’s get to the main reason why we are here: the Draw Breakdown. Like the menz, we will be doing the same thing; breaking down the main draw into halves, then quarters and finally eighths.

2015 Australian Open Top Womenz Seeds
Top Half	Bottom Half
1. Serena Williams (Serenanator/ReRe)	2. Maria Sharapova (Martha/Shriekapova)
4. Petra Kvitova (Grand High Witch)	3. Simona Halep (Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug)
6. Agnieszka Radwanska (Agatha/Bratzwanska)	5. Ana Ivanovic (Ivanovic the Terrible)
8. Caroline Wozniacki (Danish Biscuit)	7. Genie Bouchard (Nothing has stick yet)
11. Dominika Cibulkova (Cibuttkova)	9. Angelique Kerber (Angie/Carebear Kerber)
12. Flavia Pennetta (Penne Pasta Pennetta)	10. Ekaterina Makarova (Not worthy)
13. Andrea Petkovic (Not worthy)	14. Sara Errani (Alien v Predator/ETranni)
15. Jelena Jankovic (Fivehead Jungle Witch)	16.  Lucie Safarova (Lady Gollum)
18. Venus Williams (Granny Vee/Ebony Starr)	17. Carla Suarez-Navarro (Nothing has stick yet)
19. Alizé Cornet (Lordlize Cornemort)	21. Shuai Peng (Not worthy)
20. Sam Stosur (D’Stove)	22. Karolina Pliskova (Not worthy)
24. Garbine Muguruza (Not worthy)	23. Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (Fattychunkova)
25. Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (Not worthy)	27. Svetlana Kuznetsova (Kuzi-Rexi)
26. Elina Svitolina (Not worthy)	28. Sabine Lisicki (Lose-sicki)
29. Casey Dellacqua (Not worthy)	31. Zarina Diyas (Not worthy)
30. Varvara Lepchenko (Not worthy)	32. Belinda Bencic (Not worthy)

 *Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person!
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

Serenanator (1) v GHW Kvitova (4) Top Half

Should they reach they both reach the semis, it should be an interesting match

Serenanator (1) v Danish Biscuit (8) Quarter

You best get your life together because you know everyone is gunning to take you out

Serena’s Section Eighth: At the end of the day, it has to be said that the only real bother that Serenanator has is herself. She is quite capable of decimating the entire field without a pause. She is really that good. However, as has been quite evident in her career, she allows herself to get in the way of herself (if that makes any kinda sense to you). Serena’s B game and/or C game is still capable of beating most of the tour. The thing is that, at majors, many of these women are no longer allowing her to get away with an average performance. Serena herself admitted last Wimbledon that she has to come out blazing because there are girls/women out there who come into a tournament just to play that one match of a lifetime to beat her and then get dismissed the next day. She knows that if she wants to win majors, it will require two weeks of focus, determination and great tennis.

Thank heavens we are seeing no more blonde Remi weave

With that said, the American should get to the 4^th round no problemo! Svitolina (26) an up and coming Ukrainian is her potential 3^rd round opponent but I see Serena getting past her without much of a headache. However, we thought that this would have been the case at Wimbledon and the French Open last year and Serena did not get out of the 3^rd round of either of those tournaments. And speaking of those tournament, both Lordlize Cornemort (19) [beat her in the 3^rd round of Wimbledon] and Garbine Muguruza (24) [beat her in the 2^nd round of the French Open] are in this quarter. Serena may face Muguruza in the 4^th round if the Spaniard takes out Fivehead Jankovic (15) in the 3^rd round. Serena will only face Cornemort if the Frenchwoman can get to the quarterfinals; something she has yet to do in her 35 previous appearances at majors.

Do I look bothered by the fact that Muguruza and Cornemort as in my section of the draw? No really do I look bothered because I am not sure if I am at all.

Woz is desperately looking for her 1st major title

Danish Biscuit’s Section Eighth: This is a rather interesting section as Woz opens her campaign for her 1^st ever major title facing young American Taylor Townsend who might be going places in the world of tennis. Nothing would be better for the American than a solid win over a top ranked player. Nonetheless, I think Woz will win this. The really interesting thing about this section is that the 2^nd round opponent for Woz could be 2-time Aussie Open champion, Vickie Azarenka. Vickie is coming off injury and has virtually missed an entire year, so her rankings are not where they could be. Vickie will face Slowe Stephens in the 1^st round, a re-match of 2013 semifinals and 2014 4^th round here in Melbourne. This is a MUST SEE MATCH I think. So Woz has a lot of dangerous floaters in her part including Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (25) in the 3^rd round and either Cornemort (19) or last year’s finalist Cibuttkova (11) in the Round of 16. After getting past all this, Woz might face Serena for a chance to play the semis. She is basically in a mind field; so many potential places for it to all blow up in her face.

2-time champion here in Melbourne is also desperate to find her winning form coming back from injury

GHW Kvitova (4) v Aga Bratzwanska (6) Quarter

Poor Petra does not do well in the heat

GHW Kvitova’s Section Eighth: I honestly expect Kvitova to get to the 4^th round without any problems. Anything less than that, she deserves scorn and mockery. It is time that the 2-time Wimbledon champion stop losing to no-namers all over the place and struggling through “epic 3-set matches”. American Madison Keys has recently added the services of 2000 Aussie Open champion Lindsay Davenport to her camp. Hopefully this helps the young American be more reliable in matches. She will have to get by Kvitova in the 3^rd round though and that will be a true measure of things. Someone to watch in this section is Andrea Petkovic (13) who has a real shot of getting to the 4^th round here looking at the draw. Someone to not watch is Sam Stosur (20) who I am sure will go out in the 1^st round. D’Stove is incapable of winning in her home country. I swear even if you write D’Stove in the final, she would find a way of losing in the semifinals. It is like she is allergic to the home crowd support. So like I said, it is Kvitova’s section to win or lose. She should be in the quarters.

Madison Keys and Lindsay Davenport

Sam stretching for nothing in Melbourne

Aga and her new coach Martina

Aga Bratzwanska (6) Section Eighth: No doubt about it, Aga should make it to the Round of 16 no trouble other than a potential tricky opponent in Varvara Lepchencko (30) in the 3^rd round. However, the real glitz of this section is that Venus Williams (18) is present here. Venus is playing well as per Brisbane and she is moving forward a lot and showing off a much improved volleying technique thanks to Katrina Adams, the new USTA President (congrats gurl). Hopefully, she MUST play smart efficient tennis out there and get through to the 4^th Round. She would have to beat Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) though in the 3^rd round. Also meeting Aga in the Round of 16 is not good because Venus has been dragged by the Pole as of late. She can barely win a set off Aga. So she will need all her strength to get through that match and face Kvitova in the quarters for another showdown match! Their Wimbledon encounter last year was arguably the best match of the women’s tournament.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Ms. Koolaide Juice Jug Halep (3) Bottom Half

Simona has been Martha’s pigeon as of late, so she will be looking to change that this tournament

Halep (3) v Ivanovic the Terrible (5) Quarter

Promise me that Ivanovic the Terrible is not going to show up here in Melbourne.

Ivanovic the Terrible’s Section Eighth: Ana should get to the Round of 16 which she will potential meet tough lefty Ekaterina Makarova (10) there. Makarova is a dangerous floater at majors. She is always good for one major upset. If she gets past the Russian, there will a Romanian in the form of Halep waiting there for her. Meanwhile of her own accord, Ivanovic the Terrible can show up and mess up Ana’s life and have her losing to a Belinda Bencic (32) for no reason in the 3^rd round. So be prepared for anything from this section.

Realz don’t watch my eyebrows. I know they need to be done but we’re not here for that

Halep’s Section Eighth: Halep had a glorious 2014, quarterfinalist here, finals in Roland Garros and Wimbledon semifinals. Not to mention that she made it to the WTA YEC final beating Serena in straight sets on her way there only to lose in straight sets to Serena but she played a great tournament. With all that, Koolaide Juice Jug is hoping to improve upon those results this year with a new coach who she said is more in line with her Romanian philosophy. I think Halep will make the quarterfinal without much of a fuss. In the 3^rd round, she could meet Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki but even this matchup I am sure Halep will get by without any trouble. Sara ETrrani (14) is a possible 4^th round opponent. However, I am not sure what the Italian will do this year on tour. Her ranking is slipping downwards so she would definitely love a boost to be back in the top 10. She is also a dangerous player except when she is playing Martha or Serena. Otherwise, Errani can be hell for most players on her good day. So if Halep wants to win this title or at least get close to winning it, she best watch out for the likes of Errani.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Bouchard (7) Quarter

Wait what? You’re saying if this were the sport that’s the only way I am winning a major?

Bouchard’s Section Eighth: The Canadian is another of those young ladies who had a great 2014: semis in Melbourne, Roland Garros and a Wimbledon final. She also got to the WTA finals but she did not win a single match in her debut. Nonetheless, she has a lot of points to defend this year and without a coach in her corner, things might not be so smooth as they were last year. Bouchard could face veteran and 2-time major champion Kuzi-Rex (27) in the 3^rd round and then the tricky German lefty, Carebear Kerber (9) or that Spanish Lady Hobbit, Carla Suarez Navarro (17) in the Round of 16. I do not think Bouchard is gonna make it to the quarterfinals but one never knows.

Wait what? Cornemort and Murguruza are in the same quarter as Serena? Sweet LOL

And no I don’t practice the dark arts of draw fixing … at least not all the time 🙂

Martha Shriekapova’s Section Eighth: I think we can just about safely write in quarterfinals and/or semifinals. She has no real threats in path at all. In fact, she has not lost to Halep yet. So even if the seeds stay true to form, Martha might be a sure bet. Her 3^rd round opponent is Zarina Diyas (31) who has no fire power to hurt Martha in the least. Only tough draw for the Russian might be Lucie Safarova (16) who will have to play the match of her life to get this upset. Nonetheless, I think we can put Martha in the finals and if anyone shows up other than Kvitova and Serena, it is Martha’s title to win or lose.

So here we are at the end! I hope we have a fun and great Aussie Open this year. Hopefully my favourites get their lives together and win the darn thing!

As much as I want to be loving LiNaLi in this picture giving me life with that beautiful pregnancy glow, that security guard in those shoes is KILLING ME! This is why I can never buy a pair of New Balance to save my life

Vickie is out partying. I hope she has her life together because she has a tough road ahead of her to get back to the top

It is like Venus loves to piss me off. WTF is she wearing a napkin on her head? And I am sorry this dress looks okay but it is giving me Christmas Angel pageant so I cannot approve. Serena I can see your busted edges from here

Wimbledon 2014: Day 6

Like serious Wimbledon, WTMFF

Yet again, another day where I can hardly speak. I am near done with this Wimbledon. Well the big news of the weekend is that the Serenanator (1) went out to Alizé Cornet (25) aka Cornemort. Oh boy was this a disappointment. I mean the Serenanator looked deactivated. She was mess. She started off a bit messy but then after that she was en pointe. Then after taking the 1^st set 6-1, she went totally offline. Cornemort was the one dictating play throughout for the rest of the match. She used some unforgiveable curse on ReRe. Gurl was all over the Serenanator like white on rice. It was like ReRe flatlined or something. It was not looking too good. It is a real disappointment when ReRe is not around because madness ensues. Anyway good on Cornemort for taking this match. This is only the 2^nd time she has made it to the 2^nd week of a major in her career. This is also her 34^th major appearance. Congrats gurl, you’re moving up.

I can’t get my life together at all!!

YESSS GAWDDD I did it again!! Dark Lord Cornemort Rising

Just remember gurl, Revenge for beating my sister again. I got your number; I’m gonna go all postal on your @$$

Also I want to point out that Cornet was being blatantly coached from the sidelines. Her coach was making all kinds of hand gestures etc. It was ridiculous. Of course guess who was the chair umpire, Mariana Alves. Yes the same who “screwed” Serena in the 2005 US Open. Another interesting notorious figure present on court, the same lineswoman ReRe chewed out. It was just a bad day for the American. The rain was making that weave a mess and all. It was horrible. The world was stunned by this result. Please do not think I am bitter about this loss at all. I am only annoyed that Cornet might more than likely lose in the next round against Bouchard (13). Bouchard is not going to let an opportunity like this go astray. Bouchard took out Andrea Petkovic (20) 6-3 6-4

Genie Bouchard

Anyway on to other winners. So Martha aka Maria aka Shriekapova (5) just totally dragged Alison Riske across Centre Court like she tried to snatch her wig and exposed her lacefront. It was not cute. Riske broke Shriekapova was got a lead of 3-1. Then homegurl never won another game in the match! Shriekapova just beat that gurl down on court; it was like when animals attacked. Shriekapova won 11 straight games for 6-3 6-0 victory. She is into the 2^nd week of Wimbledon and from here on end to the rest of the year, homegurl is only adding points. She did not play for the rest of the year after Wimbledon last year.

YES!!! Serenanator is gone! Bye GURL!!

Mrs. Koolaide Jug (3) also won her match as she beat rising star Belinda Bencic of Switzerland. Bencic is allegedly the protégée of Martina Hingis. I wonder if these young girls realize that Martina loves the limelight … Martina is all about hogging the attention. She was working with Lisicki and then dropped her to go play doubles. Now she lost in the 1^st round of doubles. Martina gurl get a life. Either you trying to be a coach or you’re still an active player. You cannot do both particularly if people are putting their careers in your hands. Two other winners Carebear Kerber (9) who after dropping the opening set to Kirsten Flipkens (24) 3-6, roared back to take it 6-3 6-2. A surprise player in the 4^th round is a Zarina Diyas from Kazakhstan. Diyas beat 2010 finalist Vera Zvonareva in 3 sets also.

Rain interrupted much of the day’s play

The rest of the ladies 3^rd round matches would be played on Monday as would the remaining men’s 3^rd round. There are several 4^th round battles on the ladies side that would also be play most highly featured match being Bouchard (13) v Cornemort.

He was down but unfortunately not out!!

Divadal for the third successive match dropped the 1^st set. However, he came back in roaring fashion against Kukushkin. 6-7 6-1 6-1 6-1. Divadal baked up triple breadsticks. I swear these scrubs be looking for trouble. I do not know what’s the point of taking a set from Divadal if you have no intention of winning the match or at least another set? They be acting as though one is being paid by the number of sets they play. And straight that Divadal is lacking focus and concentration in the beginning of matches. Or perhaps this is all some crazy ploy to get attention for himself. Who knows or who cares? All I want to know is who is going to take three sets from him in this tournament?

Hello I’m still here

Anywho, Mr. Federer is showing great form through 3 rounds here at Wimbledon. He knocked out Santiago Giraldo 6-3 6-1 6-3. Now I am not made that Mr. Federer is showing great form thus far. My issue is that will this hold up against the big boys. He has Stan the Man possibly in the quarterfinals and then potentially Divadal. #trouble No Bueno. And now that he is through to the 4^th round, he will face none other than Tommy Robredo (23) who took out Mr. Federer at this stage last year at the US Open. Robredo beat Jerzy Janowicz (15) 6-2 6-4 6-7 4-6 6-3. Mr. Federer you best deal with this case. I can’t deal with another early round major lost. Also Dennis the Menace Raonic (8) took out last year’s quarterfinalist, Lukas Kubot in straight sets 7-6 7-6 6-2. There was also an interesting matchup of the two wildcard entrants who dashed nearly all of French hopes, Nick Kyrgios who beat Gasquet in 5 sets when on to beat Jiri Vesely who had beaten Beetlejuice. Kyrgios won in 4 sets 3-6 6-3 7-5 6-2 and through to this first Round of 16 in a major.

Yeah thanks for showing up now bye. I’m off to my 1st Round of 16 at a major

Isner aka Mountain Troll will play FeFe Lopez on Monday. Their match got suspended as did Stan the Man and Denis Istomin’s match. Kei Nishikori aka Horsikori and Simone Bolelli are 3-3 in the 5^th set. They will continue on Monday. So I have been getting some feedback from a fanz. He stated that I should re-rename John Isner. We all know that he was called BFG, Big Friendly Giant but after he decided to be all “ignant” and stuff I said I should call him Mountain Troll. However, a fanz as I said made another suggest; Notorious B.I.G aka Notorious Big Ignorant Giant. It sounds cool and everything I think. So let me know what you think.

John Isner aka Mountain Troll or John Isner aka Notorious B.I.G?

Kiss the grass and Serena can kiss my ass

No Laquanda do not come out! Let’s keep it team Jesus today.

So Serena how do you feel about this lost?

Mofo how do you think I feel? Gurl I gotta read you a bit…You know you’re my good gurlfriend but I have to tell you, the weave looking ratchet. You have to fix this. No Bueno!!!

So gurl what you doing later?

Wanna come with me to meet up with him?

Honey is his (gulp) really that big? YESSS GAWD!! I am coming

I mean seriously this golden blazer is just everything right now!!! EVERYTHING

No boo shit your ass down. You look like a clown.

I mean double scoops of chocoloate … the possibilities

Mofo, this face does not look like no fcuking Koolaide Jug

Gurl you blind?

Whatever mofo

We think we cute

#teamgay? or #teamgaynesia?

Kei Nishikori is all hotness

Until he shows his teeth and he becomes Horsikori

Wimbledon 2014: Day 4

That’s how I feel right now .. like I could collapse

Well again, I am working on very little sleep here … So Day 4 was all ablaze with the men’s match up of Divadal v Lukas Rosol. Rosol you would remember defeat Divadal in 5 sets back in 2012. However, Divadal beat Rosol earlier this year in Doha in straight sets. Nonetheless, you know how the media can be. Anyway, so for a minute, it looked like Rosol was going to score the upset again. He won the 1^st set 6-4 and was up a break in 2^nd set.

The crows were buzzing overhead to pick up the Divadal entrails

However, he got broken but was able to force it to a tiebreaker where he had the set on his racquet up 5-4. He lost one of those points but got set point at 6-5 but this time on Divadal’s serve. Divadal came up with the goods and took the set and in essence the match. Divadal broke Rosol early in sets 3 and 4 and though Rosol would get it back on serve in the 4^th set 4-4, he got broken immediately and Divadal served it out 4-6 7-6⁶ 6-4 6-4. Needless to say, the result was disappointing. I mean Rosol had a look at a 2-0 sets love lead but basically choked. I mean Divadal does this to players. For two sets, they have good looks at a huge advantage and he dares them to take it. But it seems these players, Klizan, Djoker, Fake Fire Ferrer and Rosol cannot get over that hurdle of really beating Divadal. I also feel like I jinxed Rosol as I was determined not to watch the match but I got curious when he was leading and took a peek. #Icant #Ijustcant

Suck on that Realz. I am coming for your main man Mr. Federer

Anyway onto other matches: Mr. Federer was in vintage form against Gilles Muller 6-3 7-5 6-3. Although rain interrupted play and they had to get off court to close the roof, Mr. Federer returned still in stellar form. The numbers were very impressive from Mr. Federer, along with the 25 aces, he had 1 double fault dropped only 9 points on serve with 44 winners and 5 errors. His biggest serve 127mph was even bigger than Muller’s at 125mph. Mr. Federer never faced a break point. It was like Mr. Federer was playing Andy Roddick all over again. Muller had that 2 dimensional game; try and get a huge 1^st serve in and then crack on the forehand. However, Muller is much more comfortable up at net than Roddick though but Mr. Federer was in target practice mood. In the presser, the journalists pointed out to Mr. Federer that every time he has beaten Muller, he went on to win the tournament.

Q.  Three times you have played Gilles before now and — you’ve gone on to win the tournament.
ROGER FEDERER:  Oh, really?  Ohh.  Are you sure?  (Laughter.) I’ll go check it out … I’m very happy to be
through and happy to hear the news.

Mr. Federer … that’s all

Contrastingly, fellow Swiss Stan the Man Wawrinka (5) was somewhat messy in his 2^nd round match. Yen-Hsun Lu had chances to really make something of this match. Grass is not Wawrinka’s favourite surface and added to this, Wawrinka gave him many looks to really take this match. Lu served for the 1^st set but got broken and was up 5-2 in the breaker only to let Stan back into the set to take it. Even in the 4^th set, after taking the 3^rd set, Lu had a chance to serve for it at 5-4 had he converted on the break point in the 8^th game. Nonetheless it was he who was on the defensive as Stan broke him and served it out for a 7-6 6-3 3-6 7-5 victory.

We’ll take whatever wins we can get. So lay off my case Realz

Both Dennis the Menace Raonic (8) and Kei Horseteethikori (10) made short work of two Americans to move through to the 3^rd round. Dennis the Menace took out Jock Sock 6-3 6-4 6-4 and Horseteethikori took out Denis Kudla 6-3 6-2 6-1. Mountain Troll beat Jarkko Nieminen 7-6 7-6 7-5. Tommy Robredo (23) also won his match in straight sets over France’s Adrian Mannarino 6-4 6-1 7-6. Other winners include last year’s quarterfinalist, Lukas Kubot as well as Denis Istomin and Mikhail Kukushkin. Baby Ali (14) who finally finished up his 2^nd round match against American Sam Querrey aka the Grinch 4-6 7-6 6-76-3 14-12. They were 9-9 at the end of the previous day’s play.

Baby Ali doing the happy dance

Nick Kyrgios sent Gasquet packing

Unfortunately, the other two top French men were not so lucky in their 2^nd round matches. Resident clown Beetlejuice (24) went out to Jiri Vesely of Czech Republic. Beetlejuice dropped the first two sets and then rallied to take the next two in breakers. Now you would think someone of Beetlejuice’s experience he would be able to find a way to win it in the 5^th. Nope, he mucked about the place and Vesely broke him in the 9^th game and served it out for a 7-6 6-3 6-7 6-7 6-4 victory. The other Frenchman, Gasquet (13) was facing a 19-year-old wild card entrant in the form of Nick Kyrgios of Australia. Gasquet was up 2-0 sets in the match and allowed Kyrgios to take the next two. He would have 9; that’s NINE match points and unable to convert any of them. Kyrgios took it 3-6 6-7 6-4 7-5 10-8. There was another upset, Philipp Khlschreiber (22) was also knocked out in 5 sets by Simone Bolelli.

Serenanator was very serene on court as she dismantled Scheepers … Wait is Martha saying shite about me

On the women side, Serenanator (1) and Shriekapova (5) are on a collision course with each other in the quarterfinals. They both dismantled their respective opponent. ReRe won 6-1 6-1 and Martha 6-2 6-1. Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide was supposed to play yesterday but rain suspended play in the afternoon and it would be played today. Carebear Kerber (9) won over Heather Watson 6-2 5-7 6-1. Now I like Watson as she has a really fun personality or so it seems via Facebook etc. However, what bothers me about her and a lot of the young players on the tour is that they really are “opportunists.” They cannot win unless the top players are choking. They cannot create anything on their side to remotely hurt the “big girls;” they rely heavily on others mistakes and not them taking the offensive. Take Watson, she fought her way into the 2^nd set and closed it out 7-5. Come 3^rd set, NOTHING! NADA! NOUGHT! She almost went down 0-6. Consider Muguruza, Bouchard and Halep at the French against Shriekapova. They only got to the 3^rd set and again they were not able to do anything even though the momentum was in their favour.

What you going to do about it?

Not today Satan! Not today! Jehovah talk to her, please! I am trying to be a good girl at Wimbledon. She is trying to bring Laquanda on court. Laquanda is not allowed to come out. She’s on probation. She’s not nasty. She’s just real. Keeps it real. And you just definitely don’t want to cross her. Because you cross her, then she snaps. I don’t speak to her very often. I try never to see her. She’s nuts. Spare her Jehovah in these words I pray. Amen

Meanwhile, Eva had this to say on the matter, Martha best to chill. I won’t be able to protect you if Laquanda comes on court. I can barely protect myself.

Adje!!! Ana is on court and not Ivanovic the Terrible

Anyway, speaking of Bouchard (13) she won her match in straight sets. She could potentially meet Serenanator in the Round of 16. Ana Ivanovic (11) so far is on court in her first two matches as she too moved through to the 3^rd round. No sign so far of Ivanovic the Terrible. Last year’s semifinalist and finalist Kristin Flipkens (24) and Sabine Losicki (19) both won their 2^nd round matches in straight sets. Andreas Petkovic (20) and Lady Cornemort (25) aka Alize Cornet of France are also through to the 3^rd round both winning in 3 sets. Cornemort will face the Serenanator in the 3^rd round. Cornemort beat the Serenanator earlier this year, so it is a re-match with ReRe looking for the revenge kill. Other winners of interest who also made it to the 3^rd round include Yaraslova Shvedova who took out last year’s quarterfinalist Kaia Kanepi in 3 sets, American Madison Keys also won in 3 sets as well as fellow American Alison Riske who took out Camila Giorgi 7-5 6-2. Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15) got dismissed in three sets by Zarina Diyas.

 The Divadal’s hair raising problem

First it looks like this

Then this

midway it start looking like wet feathers

And then even he can’t deal with the mess

ARGHHH I’ve thinning hair… Why can’t I get Roger’s locks

Well good thing I have a decent body to compensate

Don’t even know what to say about this hair

WTF indeed Carlo? We are all wondering why you look like this

What a handsome lady

Anyone else noticing how much happier Lochness Monster seem. I mean I’ve never seen him smile so often. If this continues, I might have to call him Puff the Magic Dragon

Just hanging with the boys

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?

Sometimes ….

Now to worry, you’re not alone.

Yeah I had to cover it up because gurl, it is like the Amazon down there.

Do you think we look foolish? No. I think we might just look ridiculous

Hey gurl

Well how you doing?

 

 

 

Wimbledon 2014: Day 3

This is how I like to think of myself when it comes to tennis … I exude absolute coolness

I guess because this is late, I cannot think of anything to tell you but the scores. I hope you folks are enjoying the blog. I have to say that I forsake sleep and exercise to get it out to you. So PLEASE COMMENT, LIKE and SHARE. It is an interesting fact that a lot of people read blogs but rarely comment. That is to say that more people read the blogs that actually do comment. So if you get like 20 comments per posting, you probably have well over 2000 readers … I mean I do not know the real science behind but I am sure the different is exponential. Most people do not notice this on the popular blogs that they read mainly because said blog has A LOT of readers. I would love for that to happen to RealzTenisFanz. Make it happen okay. I beg you.

She was a mess against Shark Boy who almost bit his wig off

So Djoker Harlequeen (1) was a mess against Shark Boy Stepanek. I mean seriously, he barely knew whether he was coming or going. Shark Boy was making him look amateur at some points. Djoker was up 5-2 in that breaker if I am not mistaken and allowed Stepanek back into the match. I have to say though that Stepanek was working his shark tail off. He really wanted a set from Djoker; something he had never done before. Well he got his wish. He won a set but he certainly did not win the match. Djoker moves through to the 3^rd round 6-4 6-3 6-7 7-6. Meanwhile, Lochness Monster just gobbled up his competition. He dropped just two games in the match 6-1 6-1 6-0.

Amelie is proud of her work so far with Lochness Monster

Berdshite (6) played another piece of mess Bernard Tampomic for a place in the 3^rd round. For a while, it looked as though Tampomic was going to get the upset as Berdshite was simply meandering around the court and barely trying to win the match. Tampomic took the 1^st set 6-4 and had looks in the next two sets. However, after the Aussie butt lost the 2^nd and 3^rd sets in the breakers, he would become dejected on court. Berdshite capitalized on this negativity and ran away with the match 4-6 7-6 7-6 6-1. Sharapova’s clutch, Dimitrov (11) was able to finish off another Australian, Luke Saville, in straight sets, 6-3 6-2 6-4. A lot of people are talking about Dimitrov like he has some chance of winning Wimbledon this year … Yeah I mean he does have a chance if food poisoning attacks the draw and leaves them debilitated. I mean anything can happen no?

YEAHHHHHHH I won the battle of the shits

Other winners on the day include Mr. Pignini (16), Kevin Anderson (20), BWLLAGWLLAB Dolgopolov (21), Chin Cilic (26), Roberto Bautista-Agut (27), Leonard Mayer who beat Marcos Fathdatis, Gilles Simon who will play Djoker in the 3^rd round as well as fellow countryman Jeremy Chardy who beat Marinko Matosevic in 5 sets.

Fake Fire Ferrer got blown out in the 2nd round AND not in a good way

There were several upsets of notable players. Fake Fire Ferrer (7) ended his run of consecutive Round of 16 or better at a major at 16 as he was dismissed in the 2^nd round by Andrey Kuznetsov in 5 sets. Kuznetsov won 6-7 6-0 3-6 6-3 6-2. It is rather shocking as one expected better of Fake Fire Ferrer. I guess that beatdown in Paris from Divadal did not help his spirits. Fake Fire Ferrer stated after that devastating lost that he basically gave up. Seems like that fighting spirit is gone. I mean he lost a set 0-6 to some scrub though Kuznetsov was the boy’s champion here back in 2009 if I am not mistaken. Anyway another bit upset was Ernest Gulbis (12) aka Goony Gulbis who got clipped by that “2^nd Round seed killer” Sergiy Stakhovsky. You might remember Stakhovsky who took out Mr. Federer last year in this same round. Now this year, he came for Gulbis, the 2014 French Open semifinalist who incidentally beat Mr. Federer in the 4^th round of the French Open this year. Stakhovsky was all over Goony Gulbis’s wig from the start as he broke him at love if I am not mistaken. Stakhovsky would lead all the way to a 6-4 6-3 7-6 victory. Gulbis would later say he in essence did not have his “A-game” for reasons he could not get into. I mean seriously gurl, ain’t nobody was checking for you to do anything special at Wimbledon. We all expected you to flap like some chicken wings and fly to nowhere fast. So whatever gurl, in the worlds of the immortal Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” Meanwhile, the ever enigmatic Mikhail Youzhny (17) lost in 4 sets to some qualifier. Here again, no one was really checking for this one but we sorta figured that these lower scrubs would have the decency to at least get to the 3^rd round or the Round of 16 but whatever. They most certainly were not relevant to the plot here at Wimbledon.

What she said!!

On the ladies side, LiNaLi (2) made easy work of Yvonne Meusburger 6-2 6-2 to move quietly through to the 3^rd round. Bratzwanska (4) took on Aussie Casey Dellacqua and was up 5-1 in the 1^st set before losing the momentum as Dellacqua broke her twice to get back on serve 4-5. However, Dellacqua got all … I don’t even know what to say, I guess she got “leotarded” as she went on to lose 7 successive games in a row. Bratzwanska moves through 6-4 6-0. Dellacqua you really could not try and lift Australia’s hopes since D’Stove went out like a candle in the wind in the 1^st round. Whatever gurl! Whatever! Anyway Grand High Witch, GHW Kvitova (6) took out Mona Barthel as though she stole something from her coven. Kvitova down 1-2 in the 1^st set, reeled 11 straight games to take the match 6-2 6-0.

Bratzwanska is quietly moving through the draw possibly heading to another Wimbledon final

GHW will take on Ebony Starr Williams (30) aka Venus in the 3^rd round. Granny Vee won 7-6⁴ 6-1 over her opponent, Kumuri Nara. Now, Granny Vee was behind nearly every stage of the match; down 0-3 in the 1^st set then 1-4 in the tiebreaker and finally down a break 0-1 in the 2^nd set. However, the very experienced lady got her life together or perhaps she realized that I was reading her for filth on RealzTenisFanz the Facebook edition as well as on Twitter. Whatever the case, she began to play the type of tennis that brought her 7 major titles. She will need to play way way way better than this to take out GHW who has a 3-1 record over the American. Actually I do not care how Granny Vee wins, just as so long as it is legal and she wins.

Granny Vee look to be her old self

Other winners include Cibuttkova (10) who rallied from 2-5 down in the 3^rd set to get past some Belgian Alison Van Uytvanck I think it is, 3-6 6-3 8-6. Danish Biscuit (16), Lady Gollum Safarova (23) and Ekaterina Makarova (22) all won in straight sets. Former Wimbledon finalist back in 2010, Vera Zvonareva beat British hopeful Tara Moore I think it is 6-4 6-7 9-7. Zvonareva twice had to fight for her life as Moore served for the match up 5-3 and 6-5 in the 3^rd set. Seems like Zvonareva finally found some backbone as she did not wither away on court. You know usually the court would be flooded with tears in these tough situations.

Tear free is Zvonareva

By way of upsets, we saw Vickie (8) being dismissed by Bojana Jovanovski 3-6 6-3 5-7. Vickie fought her way back from 1-4 in the 3^rd set but that iffy serve of her could not help her sustain the momentum. I really hope Jovanovski makes some noise and not just screaming her throat out on court. I have long liked the look of this girl, Jovanovski I mean. I really hope that she makes much of this win and not get upset in the 3^rd round because she does favour being a BBB (Basic Ball Basher). Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) also got dismissed by American Lauren Davis in straight sets, 4-6 6-7. Elena Vesnina (32) who beat Granny Vee in 2012 in the 1^st round also got sent home. You know I am all smiles about this. Other interesting losers, Coco Vandeweghe, Varvane Lepchenko, Maria Krazilenko and Yanina Wickmayer all scored upsets in the 1^st round and all got dismissed in the 2^nd round. “Gurls Bye!”

I mean Professora X says it best

Maria’s clutch Dimitrov giving you that “European scruff look” as well as a treasure trail

Yeah even I applaud myself

Chin Cilic giving you more scruff

Baby Ali

Even more chest … but something tells me the treasure not up top

Yeah you should hang your head in shame. We need to work on the tummy some more

Tomic showing his paper thin chest

Fiery Ferrer is always good for shirtless pics

The ladies trying to get into the action

Hanging low

Hmm … Hmm .. I don’t know what to say. I swear I didn’t photoshop this picture. This is Tara Moore of Great Britain. All I can said gurl is that you have way more than others

Why you here??

Shark Boy

If you look closely you can see the marks on his face left by a savage attack from the ugly stick

Moaning Mona, I thought we talk about you more Pro Activ about that face. Gurl is like you got beaten with a meat tenderizer

Honey gurl! A pink ball? I mean you didn’t have to be this obvious trying to hit on the man

Camilla throwing shade to basic bitches!

I’m having a great time here drinking … I feel so comfortable with you. I’m gonna let you in on a lil secret

What gurl? Dish it

I totally just farted and it is one of those silent deadly ones. WTF bitch? You foul gurl!

Huh? You heard me … I said it is my upper back that’s hurting not my ass

I’m gonna stick my finger up your ass. Let me know when I’ve gone too far. TOO FAR! WAY TOO FAR

Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part III: WTA Pre-Party Event

So each year, before Wimbledon, the WTA has this gala event for the ladies. Now, I am not invited much to my chagrin but that still does not mean that I do not get to see what’s going on. Anyway, the ladies love this event because they get to “dress up” and show up. It is something like the Oscar’s of tennis or something along those lines. Of course, you have some Best Dress! some Worse Dress! and then some WTF is that Dress?? So since you weren’t there either, Realz figured, why got get you some pictures and have you judging for yourself.

Daniela is just giving it all right here! She is living for this moment. Pity her tennis can’t match this effort.. You get an A

Daniela show these itches for it is DONE!!! Gurl you get an A+++++ You killed it right here

I am feeling the dress Belinda, the shoes half way but you could have at least put some make up on your feet. Gurl, it ain’t a cute look. It looks like white gym socks in heels. You get an B-

Sabine, gurl you turned it out here! You not winning tennis titles but you giving Daniela a run for the crown today… SEXY! CLASSY! WERQ!!! A+

Excellent. Young, cute, hip. I think you can do better but it was a nice choice nonetheless Monica. And the hair is werqing for me B+++

Bratzwanska… you look cute but this looks too old for you… I was trying to figure out what I didn’t like about this… you’re 24 I think, you look like a Stepford Wife from Cougar Town. So give your mother this dress and have Daniela H help you with your shopping. You have got an A if you were over 40 but since you’re in your early 20s you can a D for Dress your Age

Oh Martha, I’m gonna need you to fire this stylist right now.. Not a good look… those shoulders gurls… No! You get an D+

Honey what’s going on with those feet? Your feet will be killing you tomorrow for sure… Not cute.. No Im gonna change to a D-

Gurl even from the side it is no better… You looking like the Head Nurse on the Star Trek Enterprise. You need to be beamed off this ship… Actually, your final grade is an F

Meanwhile, Venus wearing something similar to play in this year and it looks way better than Maria’s

Serena really overall, you look good but you’re giving me someone’s naughty mistress about to jet off to a late-night rendez-vous with the trench coat. You can do better. Meanwhile, the bra looks heavenly. M for Mistress

Gurl can you even get past the 4th round of a major anymore? You got jokes. I am coming for your wig Martha!!

Dominika, you might get mad for this… But you look like ShowGirls… and I am talking about the movie here.. #bad #horrible #tacky Straight up F

I am sorry Dominika but Courtney Act wore it better #rupaulsdragrace

Dominika again, this is just tacky…Save this for your fiance and the honeymoon…

And she’s killing it right now!!! And Cibulkova, Courtney Act is a bio boy

Venus I’m gonna need you to do better! Really gurl, you came out in this? No unacceptable at this level B for Basic

Hmmm I see your hand is damage Laura so clearly you didn’t put yourself in it all by yourself. So I am going to need you to fire your handlers because this is abuse of the physically impaired. H for Helpless and Handicap

Ursula came ashore from the Under the Sea. Anastasia Pavy… I swear you wore this just to have me come for you. Gurl, the only thing cute here is the tattoo on your foot. That’s it… everything else.. trash.. I can’t even with that hair.. I am gonna have to give you an X, you need to be Xed outta here Ladies and gents, this is one of the real mysteries of life? Why would you leave your home looking like this and allow yourself to be photographed?

Genie, I am gonna need you to get back into the bottle with this one and stay in there… Everything is all wrong except the hair and then you gone and put your hand in it for a 1980’s look… Honey you weren’t even born in the 80s… CHOP! Bye Gurl… You get an H for Hellz NO

Gurl I don’t even know who you are but what I do know is that that is outfit is a NO GO You get an F

Andrea really gurl? You look like being in a dress is punishment… This look isn’t working for me at all. You made this dress this afternoon? And those shoes… honey… honey.. honey… NO! Give your mother back her shoes. I’m gonna really need you to do better P for Plastic

Vickie I know you have been off for a bit but still, this look isn’t ready. So get back into the car and drive back home and pick something else C-

Li Na or should I say Li HELLZ NA. WTH gurl? You looking like an eggplant and not the fresh kind. P for Produce

Li saw this is the look and thought that her efforts were equal work. If I were Gucci, I would sue..

Clearly this is someone’s first times in heels.. The dress however, belongs to her younger sister… NOPE

Slowe Stephens, you are tardy for this party. You looking like you missed the mark of the Tina Turner LookaLike contest. So you need throw yourself off Mountain High and drown this look river deep. You get a T… for Tired and Tried look

You’re really trying here and Im gonna give you an E for Effort but I don’t like the dress colours. It fits and you’re werqing it but still you can do better! Sorry gurl but I’m gonna have to give you a B for Boring

Soriana I expected better from you… No, looking like some punk rocker’s ex girlfriend… P for Poor

Oh Mischa… see this is why we should all say no to drugs. It addles the brain and we leave the house looking like this and think we’re cute… but gurl this dress needs to be in the garbage chute.

Oh gurl… how about we just wrap you in this shawl alone and call it a day. I am sure it costs more than everything else you’re wearing combined. She is giving me goodwitch, wicked witch of the west and Dorothy with them shoes all in one.

I mean the shoes are killing me!!!

I think Vera D got her grandmother to embroider this for her. It looks like a huge handkerchief made into a dress…So she should throw this snot cloth in the trash… The pattern is cute though..

I mean I don’t want to say it but I mean really, drag queens can do better than this… Not a cute look at all

This is from last year’s even but I couldn’t resist because this is just horrible all year round forever!! Anna K gets an H for HOT MESS Looks like Bethanie recycled this dress to make hers for this year and use the bleeding colours to dye her hair

Oh Bethanie… You’re wearing the hotel’s sheet and gurl that ain’t chic! You get an F

I swear she took this picture just to have me hate on her… I am not going to take the bait…

I will resist the temptation. Not today Satan! Not today!!

I mean come on now… Need I say more other than Fivehead JungleWitch! Why Jelena? Why??

#icant with you Fivehead. You look some high sorceress priestess about to kill someone for sacrifice. Not my blood Vampire Queen

Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part II: The Ladies

So the ladies are set for the major of all the majors, Wimbledon. Very few ladies enjoy this tournament because this is the place where “pushing” and “looping” the ball around do not count. Those pushers and loopers die early out there. You have to have some power in your arsenal as well as deadly kill shots if you intend to do well. Even if you sneak into the final, your opponent will just crush you for days. Ask Vera Zvonavera (2010) and Bratzwanska (2012).  Therefore look for the “big girls” to do well; Serenanator, Shriekapova, Ebony Starr (one is hoping and praying), Losicki, Grand High Witch Kvitova etc etc. They are the ones who if they keep their head cool and their game tight, will be the ones in the final. Anyway, I do not have much to say about the ladies because they haven’t done much of consequence lately.

Last year’s finalists Bartoli and Losicki

Just like the men, the draw of 128 has been broken down into the Top Half (Serenanator and Halep) and the Bottom Half (LiNaLi and Bratzwanska). Each half was then further broken down into Quarters. Again, I am not going to make any real predictions but give a likely scenario and speak of possible interesting matchups. We need not make a fool of ourselves by speaking of prediction because we saw how that turned out last time at the French. I mean seriously, Serenanator lost to Muguruza in the 2^nd round. Venus losing to some Schmediova. Really gurl? Really? By the end of the first week, nearly the entire top 10 was out of the competition. You do not even need to ask but you know I was not handling this Shriekapova victory well at all. I couldn’t deal!

Anyway, the lead up tournaments to Wimbledon were all won by unlikely candidates; Ivanovic the Terrible got her life together and brought Ana to the court to win her first grass court title in Birmingham, Coco Vandeweghe…yeah that Coco Vandeweghe won ‘s-Hertogenbosch which is in Holland I think if I am not mistaken and another American Madison Keys won Eastbourne. These winners are not known for their grass court prowess but it will be interesting to see what happens to them at Wimbledon. Speaking of Wimbledon, unlike for the men, the committee decided not to touch the women’s seedings. The top 32 ranked players were seeded as such. They didn’t even move up Shriekapova (5) or Ebony Starr (30). I mean if you are going to bump up the likes of Andreas Seppi from 34^th in the world to 25^th seed Tabasco Verdasco from 23^rd to 18^th seed and Jerzy Janowicz from 24^th to the 15^th seed then demote Stan W who is 3^rd in the world to 5^th seed and put World’s number one Divadal who won only a single match in 2 years at Wimbledon as the number 2 seed, you might as well apply some of this inane logic to the ladies. I am just saying that Cibulkova doesn’t deserve to be 10^th seed and who are we kidding with LiNaLi being the number 2 seed and D’Stove Stosur as the 17^th seed. Anyway, I digress..

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Serenanator [1] v Shriekapova [5]

So the Serenanator has been having issues at the majors. She has been a mess as of late by her own standards. However, Wimbledon is her favourite place to play and she is looking for her 6^th Wimbledon crown. If she is set her year right, Wimbledon is definitely the place to begin. She has a somewhat tough draw, possibly facing fellow American Christina McHale aka McFail in the 2^nd round, then in the 3^rd round Alize Cornet aka Cornemort (23) who beat her in Dubai semifinal this year and a very hot Genie Bouchard (13) in the Round of 16. Then on top of all of that, she can face Shriekapova (5) in the quarterfinals which would the 10^th anniversary of their meeting in the 2004 final when Shriekapova simply crushed the Serenanator. Ironically, it has been nearly 10 years since Shriekapova last beat the Serenanatnor. Andreas Petkovic (20) is also in this section of the draw as a possible 3^rd round opponent for the American.

As of late S in Serenanator has come to mean, S for Struggle

Things are not so easy for reigning French Open champion Shriekapova either. She not only have to factor in that if she wants to win Wimbledon she will need to solve her Serenanator problem in the quarterfinals but first there is also Anastasia Pavlychenkova (26) aka Fattychunkova or Camila Giorgi in the 3^rd round and Carebear Kerber (9) in the Round of 16. Now these ladies, Fattychunkova, Giorgi and Kerber aren’t really worthy opponents for Shriekapova but they have shown in the past that they can beat her and they will be looking for win here if for nothing else but to shut her up. She has really grown quite full of herself as of late. Shriekapova will be looking for the French Open/Wimbledon double which has not been done on the ladies side since the Serenanator in 2002.

Shriekapova getting that practice in

Quarter 2: Halep [3] v Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic [7]

The 2014 French Open finalist, Halep (3) should have an easy enough time getting to the Round of 16 which she would possibly face the winner of the Ivanovic the Terrible (11) or Sabine Losicki (19) 3^rd round match. Ivanovic the Terrible will have to get past Francesco Schiabone in the 1^st round. Fivehead Jankovic (7) might be facing Halep in the quarters but there is Yaroslava Shvedova lurking in the 2^nd round. There is an interesting 1^st round matchup of Madison Keys v Monica Puig. This is worth watching. This section is about as easy a section as one can be. So watch out for a breakthrough star/unknown to come out of this region.

Halep trying to win her 1st major

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Bratzwanska [4] v Vickie [8]

I am so happy that Vickie is back on the tour. She is a delight to watch and I know she would spare me from some of the silliness I have seen on the tour during her absence. I am happy that she is back. She lost in her first round encounter in Eastbourne last week but I am sure she will get better at this tournament. Last year she had to pull out in the 2^nd round I think due to injury but in 2012 she made the semis and also won an Olympic bronze medal. So she can play on the stuff. She is an unpredictable factor in this section of the draw. She also has to with Garbine Muguruza (27) or Coco Vandeweghe in the 3^rd round and the winner of the 3^rd round matchup of Cibuttkova (10) and Lucie Safarova (23) aka Lady Gollum in the Round of 16.

Vickie is eager to get back on the court of another major

Bratzwanska (4) did not have the French Open that she would have preferred. She didn’t even make it past the 3^rd round if I am not mistaken. She has to deal with Kuzi-Rex (28) in the 3^rd round. Tsvetana Pironkova and Varvarne Lepchenko who play each other in the 1^st round could be a possible 4^th round opponent. There is also Sara Errani (14) in this section of the draw. Alien v Predator (Errani) has to get past France’s Caroline Garcia.

Quarter 4: LiNaLi (2) v GHW Kvitova (6)

GHW showing off her magic works

2011 Champion Kvitova (6) is looking to recapture the magic here. She has been a sorta no-show for most tournaments since that historic win several years ago. She also found herself in scandal when she recently started dating Shark Boy Radek Stapenek. However, she dumped the ugly troll recently and might be more focused on her tennis. Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams (30) is in this section of the draw and could face Kvitova in the 3^rd round. Seriously, Venus is capable of getting to the finals. HONESTLY she can do this. However, we are talking about Venus here and relying on her to do good things is like quitting your job and banking on winning the lottery to support yourself. #foolish #uttermadness. Nonetheless, on a personal note, I feel this is my best option right now in life since I am unemployed. So do not count Venus out. Slowe Stephens (18) who has shown a propensity to play well at majors is also in this section of the draw. However, she has Maria Krazilenko in the 1^st round. This might be a tough draw for the American especially since Krazilenko, 2012 quarterfinalist, can really play on this stuff.

This is Venus’s look for this year’s Wimbledon… I am a mehh for this one. Not the best but certainly not the worst

The sisters are playing doubles this year

LiNaLi should make the quarters; emphasis on SHOULD. This section is not loaded as other sections. There are Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16) and Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) lurking about in these parts. Neither player has shown herself to be competent on grass. Albeit that LiNaLi isn’t known for her fine play on grass. However, Danish Biscuit and D’Stove have “somewhat tough” opening round matches. Danish Biscuit plays Shahar Peer and D’Stove plays Yanina Wickmayer.

LiNaLi is trying to create some energy behind her name here at Wimbledon. She has basically flatlined since Melbourne

Can someone tell me why Judy Murray is outside in pjs.

This concludes the ladies’ draw. Now who do you think will emerge as champion and why? Comment below!

I know many of you might not think the Preview’s are Realz’s usual realzness. However, there is a Part III looking at the WTA cocktail event. Be sure to tune in.

Australian Open 2014: Day 5

It is hot as Hades down under

So it is still hot as hell in Melbourne but play still continues. It seems that Melbourne is experiencing the extremes of weather conditions; wicked sun during the day and rains/lightening/thunder at nights. Hopefully cooler weather prevails because the schedule is kinda backed up (particularly for the doubles events) and also these conditions are TERRIBLE.

Are they using Berdshite’s H&M shirts to clean up… I rightly agree with this one

Anyway before we go any further, we should clear up some matches from Day 4 which were not necessarily covered…well they were not completed at the time of the publication of Day 4.

I wonder if Realz is going to give me some respect this year

33^rd seed Bojana Jovanovski is simply a mess. I am never backing this girl again. She is not ready for the big league. She could have barely held herself together after winning the 1^st set (which was messy) against Yvonne Meusburger from Austria. The Serb went down in 3 sets 6-3 3-6 2-6. If there are fans waiting for this potential star to shine, they should cast their telescopes elsewhere. This “star” has faded. Meanwhile, on the men’s side, Andy Murray is through to the 3rd round. No real surprise there. However, what was surprising was the fact that his opponent Vincent Millot of France got to a 5-1 lead in the 3^rd set. This was an incredible achievement on his part considering he is only like 5’8” To say that Millot fizzled at this point is an understatement. Millot just rolled over and let Lochness Monster @$$ raped him on court. Lochness Murray won 23 consecutive points. Now who does this? Really Millot, you could not even make it interesting on your own serve? WTF? I can’t. Lochness won 6 consecutive games to take the set and the match 6-2 6-2 7-5. Millot on the other hand should go eat shite and die. This is just utterly unacceptable. Had this been on the WTA, the papers would have been all over this madness but of course it is the ATP, so furor over this as far as I am aware. AND I am sure it is part of the highlights reels.

I don’t know what had happened…I lost in the 2nd round. No me gusta

Anyway, as if that wasn’t bad enough, Del Potro (5) and Verdasco (31) decided that it was more important to lose than win their 2^nd round matches in 5 sets. I mean Delpo, you lost to some journeyman Spaniard, Roberto Bautista Agut. Who is he?? You went out 6-4 3-6 7-5 4-6 5-7 to him? This is not the Spaniard who was supposed to give you issues. I can’t with nonsense from these top players. I am no longer factoring Delpo to win another major. Beast Boy has turned into some mere shadow of himself. He dare not say it is the wrist injury. It is high time he makes some serious decision about his game and put in the work to get back into major contention. Losing in 2^nd rounds of majors is not going to help at all. Verdasco..well not like he has been doing much as of late but he has had success here Down Under…he  lost to Gabashvilli who I thought had retired from tennis. Anyway, let us get to Day 5 results because Day 4 is making me mad.

I am winning this here match today!!

I almost forgot, there was also the late matchup of the 28^th seed Benoit Paire (my paramour) and Nick Kyrgios of Australia by way of Greece. Anyway, Kyrgios won the first 2 sets 7-6 7-6 and homeboy started to feel himself. As old people would say where I am from originally, “He started to smell his own balls” and thus felt he was the man. And of course the crowd was giving him all that energy. But I guess they forgot that Paire could play tennis and I am sure better tennis than Kyrgios who got a WC to enter the tournament. Boo Boo Benoit got his life together and beat that cocky stance from Kyrgios as he took the match in 5 sets 6-7 6-7 6-4 6-2 6-2.

My paramour Benoit showing these young upstarts who is the boss…at least in the 2nd round

So the Serenanator (1), Carebear Kerber (9) and Penne Pasta Pennetta (28) all made quick work of their opponents. The sun was brutal though less so than the day before. However, no one is trying to be outside for more than they need to at this point. ReRe subsequently defaulted from her 1R doubles match. Well the official reason is because Venus had some kinda thigh issue but we all know the real reason is the sun and ReRe needs to focus her singles tournament. I should mention that Serena Williams now has the all time record for singles victory at the Aussie Open getting to 61 moving past the great Margaret Court who in her era basically owned this tournament. By the way Margaret Court is on my shite list for her very public views on gays and gay marriage. This is a very nice accomplishment for the American. ReRe 6-3 6-3 over Daniela Hepburnova; Carebear Kerber 6-3 6-4 v Alison Riske of the US and Penne Pasta Pennetta 6-1 7-5 against Moaning Mona Barthel.

The Serenanator is trying to deal with this heat and through to the next round

Ekaterina Makarova (22) who took out Venus Williams in the opening round is showing herself to be in good form at this year’s open when she took out Monica Niculescu in straight sets 6-4 6-4. Meanwhile, Canadian Eugenie Bouchard (30) is showing great potential as serious contender as she confidently took out American Lauren Davis 6-2 6-2. And speaking of potential future stars, Aussie Casey Dellacqua beat Jie Zheng in straight sets 6-2 6-4. Zheng was definitely feeling the heat today. Dellacqua moves through to the Round of 16.

Lady Gollum was on it at the beginning of the match

There were two big key match ups yesterday LiNaLi v Lady Gollum Safarova and Ivanovic the Terrible v D’Stove Stosur. First up was LiNaLi v Lady Gollum Safarova. Li started poorly or perhaps it was just that Safarova started very well but the 4^th seed found herself down a set and struggling to hold serve in the 2^nd. So it was no surprise that Lucie was serving for the match 5-3 in the 2^nd. However, Safarova blinked and that was all LiNaLi needed to get her life together. She even saved match point as Safarova became a little too cocky on her groundstrokes, going for broke on every shot. LiNaLi got the 2^nd set to a tiebreaker and dominated to take it to a 3^rd set. Safarova started well enough 2-0 but only won 1 more games of the next 7 played. LiNaLi lived to fight another day 1-6 7-6 6-3. Lucie will feel this loss as it is her 7^th consecutive loss to the Chinese player. Lady Gollum you had your chances for this precious win but you dropped it and lost it. I am sure it did not help matters that her ex Tomas Berdshite was the next match up on court and his model girl was in the stands.

LiNaLi survives another day

Tomasz only likes winners like me..

In the other big match up Stosur v Ana, this one I figured was going to be really interesting because the winner faces the Serenanator but more importantly, these two former 1 time major winner, are both struggling for some resurgence in their careers. They are both languishing in the lower half of the top 20. They have yet to reclaim that form that guided them to 2 major finals and 1 major win. So I figured that this would be a real contest and for the most part it was. Rain did not help matters but as per the norm, Stosur disappointed. She took the 1^st set but in the 2^nd set, allowed her “backwardhand” to be overplayed. Her kick serve is not so effective against a player of Ana’s height and comparing forehand to forehand (the main arsenal in both of these players’ games) Ana’s is the better. However, we all know the major issue with Ana is whether Ivanovic the Terrible will show up on court and spoil matters especially since the crowd will be fiercely for Sam.

Big match up… battle of the forehands

Sam served for the 1^st set 5-4 but was broken which led matters to the tiebreaker where Sam took it. Rain came and halted play. When things got under way in the 2^nd set, Ana looked to be the more aggressive and took the set 6-4. In the 3^rd set, Ana found her range and exploited that backwardhand of Sam to the fullest and took the set and the match 6-7 6-4 6-2.

So the Round of 16 in the top women’s half has been set..
ReRe (1) v Ivanovic the Terrible (14)
LiNaLi (4) v Makarova (22)
Carebear Kerber (9) v Penne Pasta Pennetta (28)
Bouchard (30) v Dellacqua

It is HOTTT

On the men’s side of the draw, things were mostly routine.  David Fiery Ferrer (3) took on Jeremy Chardy (29). Things started relatively simply for the Spaniard as he took the 1^st set 6-2 but then Chardy broke in the 2^nd set and serve for the set. However, the Frenchmen did a spectacular job of choking to give Ferrer back the upper hand in the match. Ferrer did not relinquish his hold and took the match 6-2 7-6 6-2.

Berdshite also won in straight sets knocking out a qualifier. He is playing nicely enough and might be a contender here but we all know what happens when you put pressure on this Czech… he falls apart like a dainty flower. Other straight set winners were Florian Mayer who easily dispatched of the 20^th seed Jerzy Janowicz. I did not realize that Jerzy was dealing with a broken foot… well recently healed broken foot and was advised to not play the tournament. He was unprepared something he freely admitted. He went against it and look at the result. Mayer won 7-5 6-2 6-2. In the end Mayer was merely conserving energy because Jerzy was no contender. I wonder what sparked this mad decision because athletes have to know that their bodies are not indestructible no matter how invincible they feel. What Jerzy did was totally reckless in my opinion and his team should be admonished for this. With his limited mobility and the desert heat, I hope he does not do some irreparable damage to his physical body. It is obvious that there is brain damage by this foolish act. Was this decision driven by money?? Who knows…

Yeah I feel the choke coming up from my stomach

And speaking of madness, Frenchman Eduardo Roger-Vasselin let go of a 2-0 sets lead over 19^th seed Kevin Anderson. Roger-Vasselin was up 6-3 6-4 against the hard serving South African but it seems after that, Vasselin was more like vagisil because his game needed a midol. He just capitulated and the South African had his way with the match taking it 3-6 4-6 6-3 7-6 7-5. There are so many talented Frenchmen all of whom just dim in the spotlight. They are usually good and at times brilliant but they are all about showboating. They have no discipline. They are not ready for the big times. Granted that this current era of tennis has seen not one or two great players but THREE as well as a 2^nd fiddler who is good enough to be 1^st chair violin ever so often. It is hard for those on the outside to break into the top. Of course Roger Vasselin was not the only Frenchman to choke to death out there; Richard Gasquet (9) had to get in on the action. He was up on Robredo (17) in the 1^st set 6-2 and you thought that Gasquet was really going to take this match but you know these Frenchies, they are never comfortable with a lead. At times, it seems as though they are allergic to being on top. They only want to be behind and that was where Gasquet found himself as he continually allowed Robredo to dig into the match and get more comfortable. Thus an upset took place and the 17^th seed moves to the 2^nd week of a major 2-6 7-5 6-4 7-6 over Gasquet.

I am trying to stop the choke from coming out

YESSS I didn’t get bageled!!

Anyway, other winners include Djoker Harlequeen who was quite efficient in his dismissal of Denis Istomin who I think has a bright future ahead of him just so long as he keeps working hard. Nonetheless, his time was not last night as Djoker took him out 6-3 6-3 7-5. A sorta surprising result for me was Fabio Fognini (15) (resident hottie here at RealzTenisFanz) straight sets win over Sam Querry 7-5 6-4 6-4. Yes Fognini is ranked higher but I expected Sam to give a better fight; to be far more competitive. This was a golden opportunity. However, Sam Querry’s performance capsulate in a way what is wrong with American men’s tennis…. Actually American tennis in general; there is just no imagination, no guts and no multi-dimensionality (if I might use that word) to their games. Everyone can spot the strategy from the jump and they know exactly what they are getting from their effort. No surprises in the least. At the US Open there is a little flair in the 1^st week but rarely do they make it to or past the Round of 16. This was a winnable match for Querry, yet he went out meekly. Maybe I am being too harsh but anyway, who would have thought that Donald Young would be last American man standing? He takes on Nishikori (16) tomorrow so that should be an interesting matchup and Young legitimately has a chance here but I have no real expectations that he will get the job done.

Fabulous Fognini

So the Round of 16 matchups for the bottom half are:
Berdshite (7) v Anderson (19)
Mayer v Fiery Ferrer (3)
Wawrinka (8) v Robredo (17) Wawrinka got a bye into the 4R when Vasek Pospisil pulled out.
Djoker Harlequeen (2) v Fognini (15)

Again I have to stress how Easy Bake Oven Harlequeen’s draw is. I mean seriously what is Fognini going to do? Even more pertinent question is whether Fognini will even show up for the match. He has been known to default and just collect the cheque.

Anyway, the rest of these matchups should be delightful enough for even the pedestrian fans.

Yeah it was no competition gurl….

Yeah you better put that face on ice gurl because Tomaz don’t want you anymore!!

A piece of ice just fell between my girls

I think I got it

OMG OMFG FeFe Lopez I want this for my birthday, breakfast, lunch and dinner!!!

Double scoop of chocolate!! I have to say that Beetlejuice don’t look so bad next to Dreddy Tennis

Australian Open 2014: Day 3

CLT+ALT+DEL

Hey Fanz I am so sorry that this posting is coming to you at about the time that Day 4 is set to begin at the Australian Open. Well technically, Day 4 has already begun. I was having extreme technical difficulties. I just found out that the hard drive on my laptop is damaged and that I will loose everything that is on it. This is a bummer and a half. I do not know much about computers. Needless to say that I am hot like the weather in Australia. The only good thing is that the computer is still under warranty. My desktop was not working so well but that was a simple easier fix. So I can post this and the others hopefully.

I think someone is literally being barbequed right now

To the tennis: MY GOD IT IS HOT DOWN UNDER. Everyone is complaining about the heat. I mean we all know that it is hot in Australia at this time but now it is RIDONCULOUS. #Globalwarmingmuch The on court temperatures are hotter than outside temperatures and players are burning up…and not in the good way. It is mainly survival tennis at this time…ie if they can survive the heat to play tennis..

Shade… I must get to the shade…

But let’s get to the results.

It was a semi-tough day out there for the Chinese but she is through to the 3rd round

LiNaLi won her matchup in sorta convincing fashion. LiNaLi won the 1st set in bagel fashion but struggled in the 2nd as Belinda Bencic started to play for real now. However, get valiant effort didn’t pay off as she lost in the tiebreaker. The Swiss is one of the younglings to keep an eye on for the future. The Serenanator was far more routine in her victory 6-1 6-2. Sam D’Stove Stosur is finding her game in Australia again these days as she took out the ever dangerous Pironkova in straight sets 6-2 6-0. Pironkova however had a broken crotch and was clearly hampered by this. Nonetheless, D’Stove will take the win. I believe she’ll face Ana the Terrible for a place in the Round of 16 where the winner will face the Serenanator if current form holds true.

I am ready for these itches…BRING IT ON

Several seeded players lost their way to the 3rd round. Lisicki (15) didn’t get the rest of the game plan for the 2nd and 3rd sets from Hingis as after winning the 1st set 6-2 over Niculescu, she basically didn’t even know her way to Sesame Street. Lisicki had a blonde moment that lasted the rest of the match. Meanwhile, Niculescu seized the moment to hold serve and fried up a two piece combo meal for Lisicki. Niculescu 2-6 6-2 6-2
Casey Dellacqua gave Australia much to smile about as she trashed 18th seed Kristen Flipkens 6-3 6-0.

Lisicki in the 1st set!

Losicki after the 2nd and 3rd sets

Most of the other seeded players came through for the 3rd round including Carebear Kerber (9),Ana the Terrible (14) Makarova (22), Safarova (26) aka Lady Gollum, Flavia Penne Pasta (28),Eugenie Bouchard (30) and Daniela Hepburnova (31) who won 12-10 in the 3rd set.

Eugenie Bouchard of Canada… honey you bought that outfit from a moose in Saskatchewan?

One would think that with all these gay fans, she would not be committing these fashion atrocities… But I guess that’s how they roll in Canada

Other notable winners included Americans Laura Davis who dismissed Julia Goerges in 3 sets, Alison Riske who handed out unlimited breadsticks to Yanina Wickmayer 6-1 6-1, Moaning Mona Barthel who is benefitting from the ousting of Petra Kvitova. Jie Zheng former semifinalist here in 2010 also won with a 3 set victory over American Madison Keys.

Djoker is all business with his easy bake oven draw

I’m sorry but Boris Becker looks like an overexuberant butch lesbian soccer mom

On the men’s side Djoker Harlequeen isn’t wasting time on court as he dismissed his opponent on convincing fashion 6-0 6-4 6-4. Berdshite also won in straight sets. Fiery Ferrer needed 4 sets to get through the 3rd round. He’s randomly dropping sets these days so look for and early round lost from the Spaniard. I don’t see him getting to the latter stages of this major. Sam Querry aka the Grinch took out the 23rd seed Ernst Gulbis in straight sets. I hope no one was betting on Gulbis because he’s never sure money unless you’re betting on his opponent. Gulbis ever remains that enigma. I was actually surprised that he was seeded here and so high. Nonetheless, very good of Sam to try to salvage American mens tennis. They need all the big wins they can get.

The Grinch is trying to steal his way into the latter stages of a major

There were two other seeded players who got dispersed but wasn’t really make losses. Youzhny (14) lost to Florian Mayer in 5 sets. I expected more from the Russian but I forgot he’s Russian and meltdown is inevitable. His compatriot 30th seed Dmitry Tursunov fell to Denis Istomin in 4 sets. Istomin is a dangerous floater so watch him. Ivan Dodig (32) had to retire in the 4th set.

I hope you aall didn’t forget about me

Things are so bad with Davydenko these days, he got himself a tan.

Despite this, most of the other seeded players played their parts to the hilt and were able to move through to play another day. Gasquet (9) came through in straight sets over Nikolay Davydenko. I expected at least 4 sets from this match but Gasquet is playing smart tennis these days at majors. Good of him. High time now he produces the top level tennis we all hoped he would give. Pity he came win a major unless a plague hits the draw. However he’s not the only one praying for the locusts to fly, Fabio Fognini (15), Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19), Jerzy Janowicz (20), Jeremy Chardy (29) all hope that God would send the floods again to wash the top 6 away because the Red Sea will part again before they win a major whilst the top 6 are alive and well in the draw. They can barely win regular tour tournaments much more hoist a major trophy. When was the last time one of the top 6 didn’t win the master level trophy? Probably like 2011 and that was just one person I think.

Florian Mayer working himself through to the 3rd round

Anyway in regards to that much anticipated showdown between Matthew Ebden and Vasek Pospisil (28) Pospisil won of course in 4 sets giving the Aussie a breadstick to wave to the crowd in the 4th set 3-6 7-6 7-6 6-1 what a waste!

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this posting despite it’s late arrival….

She might not be pretty in pink but she sure is powerful! You know a woman is doing it and doing it right when she got her man carrying the purse! ReRe that lil pouchette is killing me

I thought Stella was improving… simple, clean, effective and cute

Then I saw this mess…

Stella needs to STOP!!! Why can’t I get a real endorsement deal and be spared from this garbage??

Berdshite is a soccer player now?? I mean seriously H&M can’t you do better than this

Kuzi, I don’t know what got into you and the stars but I need for you to night night to this hideous dress… NO BUENO

Checkmate!! Move this piece off the board IMMEDIATELY

Keep staring at the wall… You are on punishment for that skirt!!

Hot head!!

My ears are melting!

Sleepytime

What had happened? What you mean it is not nap time??

WTF?? His teeth matches his shirt! I know times are changing and tennis all about colours but we can at least keep our teeth white to pay hommage… that’s just FOUL..

Monica…this face is not okay!! You are scaring the children!!

The best thing about Andy Murray is Daniel Vallverdu

I think so too… he is delish!!

Djoker is showing his “treasure chest”

I am not impressed

Berdshite showing off the clean smooth look

Hmmm I might want a taste of some of that but…

I think I am sexy and I hope you think so too

It’s okay but still

A Brazilian and a Spaniard combo

YES now this is what I am talking about… I am definitely get behind this kinda meal combo

Huh?? What are you doing? I told you, it is my wrist that’s hurting

YEAHHHHHHHH TAKE IT LIKE A MAN… TAKE IT I see gaynesia about to happen in 5, 4, 3, 2…

I’m trying…

Hey Realz, I am talking to you… Stop saying shit about my man Lleyton. Yes I did done stole him from Kim but that’s none of your business. She was flexible is true but my mouth made up for it in bed and Lleyton chose me. I will not tolerate any more smack about him. I will hunt you down like a dog if you say one more thing about him. You have been warned!

Australian Open 2014

Every major, when I’m trying to rearrange my life to get in as much tennis in as possible, I always contemplate whether to post a preview bit. Now mind you, all the major publications do so in an effort to drum up some interest and frankly so that they can talk. However, with the current state of both the men and women’s tours, matters have long been decided. For the past three years now, it’s been the same gang at the top. There’s nothing new to say. I am sure the same notes from the preview to the French, Wimbledon and the US Open 2012 and 2013 will apply for this Australian Open 2014. I dare someone to say otherwise.

However, I figured that RealzTenisFanz cannot be so far out of the main stream though we are hardly the type of prestigious publication to follow trends blindly. Nonetheless, I figured why not revive the blog for 2014 with a lil something for the Fanz.

From Realz!!

While we are on this subject Fanz, I think 2014 will see us going on quite a bit so I want to thank you all for your continued support. Happy New Tennis Year ! I know many of you are dying to tell about your Christmas and New Years affairs. However, we aren’t here for that. We will get into personal gossips later on. Furthermore, our lives aren’t nearly as interesting as the pro players so we will ignore our mundane madness for the sake of their more scintillating sagas.

So let us have the realz score on this one now

But let us not digress…. Wait, I’m not sure if I actually confirmed this but I regret to inform you that it’s really true that Petra Kvitova and Radek Stepanek are in fact a couple. I don’t think my brain has fully grasp this ugly concept. In fact whenever I think of them as a couple, my mind’s defense system kicks in and automatically blurs Shark Boy’s face.

Homewrecker??? Nicole and Radek on their wedding day. Right, Petra in her version of a black dress

PeekaBoos!!

Can’t deal with that much beastliness in one thought. I know people will label Petra a homewrecker seeing as Shark Boy is still married to former top ten Nicole Vaidisova. However, in my humble opinion, it was a hideous home. It ain’t for looks or charms so it has to be he drops his shorts and you silly school of girls just lose your bloody minds as well as your panties.

Wait what do you mean I have to share you??

This was Petra’s old boo but she don’t want no small fry anymore… she’s looking for big fish

So Nickie girl, you get yourself some new dick though I am guessing that Shark Boy is hung like a sperm whale because too many decent looking girls are getting bitten by this predator. I bet he be munching on their seabed like it the last plankton in all of the Red Sea. Sushi is on the menu girls and you are the catch of the day! Ladies I advised you all to invest in a decent toy and if not get yourself a good “buddy” with ironclad contractual terms, safe play because no one deserves to be caught up in the cult that is Radek Stepanek. He’ll kill your joy and your career. Ask Martina Hingis and Nicole. At this point in Petra’s career, she doesn’t know where she’s going but most certainly sure that she’s coming and coming very regular. So I guess I should be happy for her?

And she found it with Shark Boy

To the real tennis newz :

Divadal before his make up!

On the men’s side, the number one seed, Rafael Nadal aka Lord Clay aka Divadal aka Lord Clay and hardcourt Divadal (She lost only two clay court matches last year and didn’t lose on hardcourt whilst picking up his 8th French Open title and 2nd US Open crown), has a draw of death. It’s just traps all over the place. First off he has to deal with Bernard Tampomic and frankly I know the Spanish Diva is going to handle this mess in 3 straight kleenex sets but no one wants to deal with the Aussie crowds fully supporting their man and the added misfortunes of having to endure Bernard’s on court bullshit. You know this latent case is going to be showing her dirty knickers all over the place when those Divadal forehands be coming from all corners of the court. It’s going to be a mess I’m sure of it.

Yeah I am a douche… so what?? Am I the biggest douche down under?? Hmmm

No I am the biggest douche down under

What’s even worst for the number one seed is that he has to deal with not one Aussie Asshole but two; Lleyton Hewitt is also on this section. Hewitt’s career got a resurrection of sorts when he beat Mr. Federer in Brisbane last week in 3 sets. So look out this possible 4th round clash.

I am ready for all these douche bags. Bring them on!!

Wait did you say Xisca is coming on court?? I need to get out of her.

Beetlejuice is lurking for Divadal in this section for a possible 3rd round match up that’s if Beetlejuice shows up in Melbourne to play tennis and not to pay clown.  Divadal has to also contend with Beast Boy who is definitely poised this year to make some real major noise again. Del Potro wants another major and he will get it soon enough in my humble and often awesome opinion. But all in all its unlikely he is losing early unless Rosol and Darcis had a baby together.

I don’t know which Beetlejuice will show up

Ahh the maladies of Murray have already begun and he hasn’t even played a match yet

On the other side of the top half is Lochness Monster who has had a rather dismal year since winning Wimbledon last year. This creature might be stumbling since his magical 2012. Murray has been featured in three Aussie Open finals now I think and winning a total of 1 set of the ten that he played. I’m sure he thinks that the 4th time is the charm. However you know this is of no concern to me because Mr. Federer (6) is in this quarter and that’s my main man. However, Mr. Federer has two French men in his realm, Baby Ali et Chicken leg Simon. They both come lethal and with historic wins over the greatest thing since slice in my tennis world.

I don’t know what is going on with me anymore. I am going senile on the tennis courts it seems.

The Scotsman has to deal with the likes of BFG John Isner and Chin Cilic. This is just tough half all over. Just potential problems all over the place for everyone. No match is an easy round.

Despite all this, I think Divadal is coming through this half. Mr Federer might get to the semis but he doesn’t have the stamina to deal with the hard court beast that is Divadal plus Mr. Federer has far more pressing issues before he gets to semis…. And that’s if he even gets there. My man is no longer a safe bet especially as the 6th seed. He’s working with Stefan Edberg but I’m not sure this will help. Federer needs a nutritionist to help him gain muscle mass. No Bueno! I almost forgot the gossip, Mirka is pregnant again. I couldn’t really tell because she always look with child. However, Mr. Federer made the announcement on Facebook and I have to take his word for it on these matters.

Mommy and granny holding the girls… possibly brother(s) on the way??

David Ferrer’s quarter…. Is this even a legitimate expression? However the numbers don’t lie, he’s the 3rd ranked player and gets his own section. However this prize hasn’t brought him much gifts because he has to deal with a lot of bigger men, Tommy Haas Mikhail Youzhny, Tomasz Berdshite and Jerzy Janowicz. It’s going to be tough and of course he has the 3 time defending champion Djoker Harlequeen on his side.

I am gonna be passing out some chocolate because I have a sweet sweet draw

Now I have seen easy bake oven draws in the past but I think this quarter for Novak is a new model where we might as well had just give Novak byes all the way to the finals or at least the semis to make it interesting. There’s no one in this section to trouble the man. No one! Ernst Gulbis? Richard Gasquet? Marcos Baghdatis? Ain’t he married? This must be sketch comedy because I know Djoker is laughing his ass off. The only possible hiccup is Stan Wawrinka and we all know how messy this girl can be. She got handled at the US Open and that must still be hurting.

Anyway, I think Divadal and Djoker are the two contenders here though I do not look forward to a possible finals between these two as I would like to not waste 7 hours of my life with these two for one of them to finally take the title.

It is just me, myself and I out there. No one comes close to me.

On the ladies’ draw I mean what more can one say other than the Serenantor (1) is here to win this title and try yet again for the one thing that her career does not have: a true Grand Slam. She is going for it this year full steam ahead. She is not going to let herself be deterred. Every year since 2010 she is becoming more and more mentally focused and her hard work is paying off. Since that ugly defeat in 2012 at the French Open, she has been looking stupendous. Her shots are cleaner, crisper and she is staying in shape. No one has seen this kinda of focus from Serena for a long time…if not ever. It seems that everything is looking up for her now. However, we all know it is at these times when she looks unstoppable, she then lets her bad self get in the way and implodes on court. Hopefully, this sorta thing is not going to happen because I think Serena has worked hard enough and deserves the calender slam. I would also really like to see her in the 20s with major titles. She is really that good of a player!!

Yeah you forgot about me??

Yeah there are competitors to consider, Vickie (2), Maria (3) and LiNaLi (4) but do they even stand a chance? I mean Vickie is the ONLY one who does not get routine bagels and/or breadsticks from the American. Vickie can play the Serenanator but when it comes to the final stages of the match where fitness is a factor, Serena has her younger adversary beat. Maria simply does not possess the skill set to deal with Serena. I don’t think she ever will. And also her biggest problem is trying to stay positive throughout the match. It is very difficult to do as she is constantly trying to figure out what kinda diet is Serena working on that day. Is she carb counting and thus handing out bagels and breadsticks sets or is she on a gluten free diet and feels more generous in allowing an extra game here or there. Look at any of the matches these two play. Serena is almost breaking Maria at will and dispensing baked goods to the Russian like a Pillsbury. However, I would admit that last match a week ago, Maria got to a tiebreaker. However, I think Serena was just trying to be generous..Happy New Year’s Gurl….Here’s a Christmas gift; a respectable scoreline.

Now why you had to go bring up my record against the Serenanator again for?

Anyway these two can only meet in the finals. Maria and Vickie are on the same half (bottom) of the draw and Serena has to contend with LiNaLi on her half (top). Will be interesting to see what the new year brings for Li and her Cheating Coach Carlos. Serena’s quarter is rather tricky as she has some ticklish players lurking about like Tsetvana Pironkova who just won her first WTA title beating Petra Kvitova GHW (she had penis on the brain) along the way. There is also the huge serving Eugenie Bouchard (30) of Canada, tenacious Jie Zheng, Ana Ivanovic (14) the Terrible and also Sara Errani (7) but really and truly we are not exactly counting her in the mix. Serena eats Sara for a light snack. There is also local home hopeful Sam Stosur who has beaten the American twice at the majors in key matches. However, Sam does not have a great record in her home country but she won several matches this past week so this might be a turn around for her.

Do we know which LiNaLi will be on court or will Carlos continue to signal to her telling her know who she should be?

LiNaLi (4) also has a tricky set of client with GHW Kvitova (6) aka Mistress Stepanek, Sabine Lisicki (15) who it seems is now working with Martina Hingis (I don’t know why this woman just won’t go away and stay there. Can’t she find more men to beat up? She really does not contribute much to game at this time. She is fighting so hard to be relevant but she barely has a point except on pencil. And she should just erase herself with the other end. She was a great student of the game but hardly is she selfless enough to be a decent teacher.) Carebear Kerber (9) is also around in these parts. I almost forgot to mention that resident veteran Venus Williams is also on board at this Open. She will open her campaign against crazy lefty Ekaterina Makarova (22) who has been known as a very dangerous floater. She has some good scalps in her career including Serena and 5th seed here Radwanska. So Makarova is not to be dismissed lightly.

You don’t worry about my draw and/or drawers okay. Just how I like it… easy, breezy

Sometimes when I look at Maria’s draw at majors, I often wonder if the committees are confused about the concept of “draw” It might be that they are thinking more “drawers” than “draw” because Maria always getting some easy sexy cute draws. There is absolutely no one of consequence in her section of the draw. Not one. You know who Maria is opening up against, Bethanie Mattek-Sands and one noted sports writer claimed Carlo Suarez-Navarro is the dark horse pick and figured she will get to the semis. I think he means, she is going to buy a ticket to watch the match. Most certainly she is not going to be winning 5 singles matches and earn her place. I mean seriously now? Dark Horse pick… This is more likely a Black Unicorn pick. So because of this it means that Jelena Jankovic aka Fivehead Jungle Witch (8) v Maria really going to be the big matchup of this section. I would rather vomit.

I hope you all didn’t forget about me now

Vickie has a relatively okay section with several of her favourite punching bags Slaone Stephens (13), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (10) and off course her best pigeon Agniezska Radwanska (5). Vickie couldn’t ask for a better route to the semis.

All in all I don’t think she is retaining her title this year. This is the Serenanator’s title for the taking.

FASHION FORWARD???

Serena gurl, you need to better cage that tiger of yours… I can see claws coming out…

Vee gurl… WTF with that weave…We need to hook you up….that front is a hotmess

Apparently LiNaLi moonlights as a clown after hours.

It is not great but it is not bad and for Maria, this is all good

This is very good from Sabine

Who knew the German was also a succubus?

Daniela showing all the itches how you step it up! Gorgeous! Giving them Farrah Fawcett hair tease realness!!! YES M’AM

Apparently, men and women went to different functions because David look like he just got off from practice. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Even with ugly New Balances, the ratty t-shirt and the buzz cut, this Spanish flame is still burning hot