RealTenisFanz Podcast #18: Federer lost!!!

0:02:40 – Federer loses the final
0:25:25 – Ladies Doubles
0:29:20 – Serena owning Sharapova
0:50:05 – Garbine Muguruza
0:54:20 – Nick Kyrgios
1:00:40 – Serena and the Female Body Issues
1:36:30 – Sergiy the Douche
1:47:40 – Martina N, You’re a BB

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Federer is tears is never okay with me

2015 Wimbledon Champ Novak Djokovic

Garbine was in tears at this loss but she will rise again I hope

Serena and Garbine

The Serena Envy and the Body that is killing them all

Martina Navratilova, the face of bitterness and low classness! No respect for the current players

She didn’t win today …

I feel so bad for her

Realz Fashion Review: WTA Pre-Wimbledon 2015 Party

I love me some Wimbledon because it is the time of year when the female athletes attempt to dress up and be ladies. Now do not misunderstand me, I am not implying any gender distortion for the women. No, I am just saying that the ladies of WTA always try to be “girly girls” and it ALWAYS give us spectacular results!!! And you know that Realz is here to bring you all the photos with the realz deal. I think most of the ladies would benefit greatly from a gay in their life because their fashion sense is no where near as being en par with their tennis ability at all. 

I cannot believe this but JJ is BEST DRESSED She captures everything right here! Youthful, sexy, maturity, form, fit, hair, makeup, shoes AND no purse because she’s so fucking hot, she’s not buying any drinks tonight! Drinks will be bought for her!! A+++

This was the mess she wore last year looking like a Serbian vampire! Such an amazing improvement this year!!

Heather Watson – Grade A: Colour, style work well for her. The hair en pointe and the shoes as well. Slight critique is that the sock tan line and the dress a tad bit too short. However that’s me kit picking.

Genie – Grade: B- I am being very generous here because this dress is TOO LONG and not form fitting enough. What is worse is that Genie swears she is killing it. However, that dress is killing her.

Look at it from the back, it is too big for her. It is not draped properly at all and it makes her look emaciated. 

I should be thankful she didn’t wear something like this mess again

Ajla and Hana Tomljanovic is doing it well. They get a solid B+ for the double act

Ajla by herself is killing and well deserve an A-

Bringing sexy back …. a lil back makeup/spray tan would have been great though but she’s giving me attitude (NO to the lipstick though)

Angie is really trying to be youthful here but this outfit would look better on an older lady. HOWEVER, she is working all the elements and gets an A-

Now I have a lot to say about Anastasia Pavyluchenkova in this outfit and much it might not be so nice BUT Ana Pav has improved over last year’s effort and heeded my advice from last year because I went IN!! So she get’s a Solid B! The hair and is en pointe! Gurl  I think those shoes a tad bit small for you. Your toes sweeping the carpet

This is Ana Pav from last year 2014! She was begging for me to unleash the kracken to come her in this hot mess. I couldn’t even give this one a grade it was just a mess

Lucie Safarova …. Unfortunately the internet cannot see the look of utter disappointment I am giving you right now… Those shoes are HORRID and we spoke at length about that lipstick not being for you …But because of the dress you get a B-

Karolina Pliskova … I give her an E for Effort but she looks like she borrowed a friend’s clothing. The shoes look cute. I am gonna need you to do better

This is just utterly unacceptable from Serena! You got money and you sell clothing. This shit is just BASIC!!! This looks like something one of the poorer girls would wear to play a tournament. I wouldn’t have mind so much if she had jazz it up with a belt or something but this is SO BORING despite the shoes. Serena I give you an S for Salvation Army because that is where you got this dress. #GurlBye!!

Carla! Carla! Carla! I guess I should be happy that Carla put into some major effort or more rightly so, someone else put in a lot of effort for her BUT the stockings and kitten heels are just LOW CLASS! She looks like she’s going to Sunday church service and this party was held on a Thursday! NO!! Gurl this ain’t cute at all. Grade C+ for the wonderful dress and hair. I cannot overlook below the knees

Madison I want you to take this dress and lock it up and through away the keys. A little voice in your head didn’t say NO gurl this is a mess? This would have been so hot if all this black sheer fabric wasn’t on the dress. If you’re going to go sexy go sexy.  You cannot be bi-polar about it. This dress is giving me hot and cold at the same time and therefore you get a C-

That’s right Urszula, you cannot wow us with your tennis on court so you wow us off court. I get you with that but gurl your feet look like they are in torturous pain. I  really want to dislike the dress as I think it is basic and you could have done better but I have to respect your attempt and give you a B- for you do look good if we are not watching your feet. 

Simona I wanted to hate this dress but I remember some of your previous efforts so I am happy you stepped up your game but kept it modest just the same. So I going to give you an A- because everything looks nice and tight. However, let me just say spray tan for those feet. Not cute at all 

Simona’s previous efforts looking like childish

It is like when Victoria got dressed this night, she thought, “How can I piss off Realz?” Who the hell is her stylist, Helen Keller? This shit is ATROCIOUS!! The only positive I can draw form this is that her hair looks clean and her toes pedicured. Everything else is just horrid. A huge F!!!! Them shoes?? Arghhhh #Icant

Christina McHale, this is a definite McFail! You look like someone’s mother and how dare you go out with them feet. You don’t even get points for effort because you did not even try here at all. No. You get a Grade G for #GirlBye

Vitalia Diatchenko … I am not feeling the hair looking like the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz. However, the dress is a nice fit. I am not feeling them shoes though. I’ll give her a B.

I don’t understand why these rich girls are looking like they shopping at the thrift shops. However, Maria is going a step further. At the French Open, she gave us sailor with the blue and white stripes and keeping this nautical theme going she gives us “Sharapova Sells Seashells by the Seashore!” It is as though one of Ariel’s sisters came ashore for the party. I cannot hate on the them shoes though! They are magnificent. Grade C- for that dress. She can do better!

Zheng Saisai, I want to like this outfit but somehow those white gym socks with the black kitten heel shoes is just too much for me. I am gonna have to give this a D for just being Dumb

Zarina Diyas is looking very nice in this dress and the hair looks good too. However, those shoes look like throwaways. No bueno!! She gets a B-

Those exciting shoes do not go with this very boring red dress and that lipstick again is not for you. The whole ensemble looks like something for a much older woman. You get a C- for this

Sabine is posing and working it all. However, I am not feeling this hair but Sabine has that look us … I am about to get TURNED UP!!!

Laura Robson was stepped her game up! This might seem a tad bit mature for her but she wears it well. The hair and the shoes are EN POINTE. The red dress is stylish and flattering. Meanwhile, not sure what that woman in the background is wearing … those shoes are killing me.

Ana isn’t carrying a purse this evening … She brought her man. The only lady at the event I think who brought a date … and check out the rock

Ana gets a solid A!! I am not in love with the shoe style though the colour is right and the mid section of this dress not so flattering … but the hair and make up and her confidence definitely ROCK

Apparently Petra thought it was appropriate to wear her man’s T-shirt to this event. Those shoes … this is not even worthy of a grade because it is just unacceptable

I am so disappointed with Daniela right now. Usually she is en pointe but her make up is bad and she’s wearing the hotel’s drapes thinking she looks cute. She look a hot mess as though she was playing dress up with lil kids. She gets a G Grade for Ghastly Garbage. I cannot believe she made my list as my #3

Kurumi Nara looking like she got lost on her way to the office. Went out on a Starbucks coffee run and stumbled across this event. Gurl you get a B for ByeGurl!!

RealzTenisFanz Livecast #16: Drawing up Wimbledon 2015

MY DREAM WIMBLEDON

Find us on Twitter: Realz, @RealzTenisFanz; Karen @bridgepea; Andreen @A_Gallivant and Janina @JLR78!!!
0:02:50 – Men’s Draw (Top and Bottom Halves)
0:52:50 – Women’s Draw (Bottom and Top Halves)
1:48:00 – Wrapping Up

Wimbledon 2014: Day 6

Like serious Wimbledon, WTMFF

Yet again, another day where I can hardly speak. I am near done with this Wimbledon. Well the big news of the weekend is that the Serenanator (1) went out to Alizé Cornet (25) aka Cornemort. Oh boy was this a disappointment. I mean the Serenanator looked deactivated. She was mess. She started off a bit messy but then after that she was en pointe. Then after taking the 1^st set 6-1, she went totally offline. Cornemort was the one dictating play throughout for the rest of the match. She used some unforgiveable curse on ReRe. Gurl was all over the Serenanator like white on rice. It was like ReRe flatlined or something. It was not looking too good. It is a real disappointment when ReRe is not around because madness ensues. Anyway good on Cornemort for taking this match. This is only the 2^nd time she has made it to the 2^nd week of a major in her career. This is also her 34^th major appearance. Congrats gurl, you’re moving up.

I can’t get my life together at all!!

YESSS GAWDDD I did it again!! Dark Lord Cornemort Rising

Just remember gurl, Revenge for beating my sister again. I got your number; I’m gonna go all postal on your @$$

Also I want to point out that Cornet was being blatantly coached from the sidelines. Her coach was making all kinds of hand gestures etc. It was ridiculous. Of course guess who was the chair umpire, Mariana Alves. Yes the same who “screwed” Serena in the 2005 US Open. Another interesting notorious figure present on court, the same lineswoman ReRe chewed out. It was just a bad day for the American. The rain was making that weave a mess and all. It was horrible. The world was stunned by this result. Please do not think I am bitter about this loss at all. I am only annoyed that Cornet might more than likely lose in the next round against Bouchard (13). Bouchard is not going to let an opportunity like this go astray. Bouchard took out Andrea Petkovic (20) 6-3 6-4

Genie Bouchard

Anyway on to other winners. So Martha aka Maria aka Shriekapova (5) just totally dragged Alison Riske across Centre Court like she tried to snatch her wig and exposed her lacefront. It was not cute. Riske broke Shriekapova was got a lead of 3-1. Then homegurl never won another game in the match! Shriekapova just beat that gurl down on court; it was like when animals attacked. Shriekapova won 11 straight games for 6-3 6-0 victory. She is into the 2^nd week of Wimbledon and from here on end to the rest of the year, homegurl is only adding points. She did not play for the rest of the year after Wimbledon last year.

YES!!! Serenanator is gone! Bye GURL!!

Mrs. Koolaide Jug (3) also won her match as she beat rising star Belinda Bencic of Switzerland. Bencic is allegedly the protégée of Martina Hingis. I wonder if these young girls realize that Martina loves the limelight … Martina is all about hogging the attention. She was working with Lisicki and then dropped her to go play doubles. Now she lost in the 1^st round of doubles. Martina gurl get a life. Either you trying to be a coach or you’re still an active player. You cannot do both particularly if people are putting their careers in your hands. Two other winners Carebear Kerber (9) who after dropping the opening set to Kirsten Flipkens (24) 3-6, roared back to take it 6-3 6-2. A surprise player in the 4^th round is a Zarina Diyas from Kazakhstan. Diyas beat 2010 finalist Vera Zvonareva in 3 sets also.

Rain interrupted much of the day’s play

The rest of the ladies 3^rd round matches would be played on Monday as would the remaining men’s 3^rd round. There are several 4^th round battles on the ladies side that would also be play most highly featured match being Bouchard (13) v Cornemort.

He was down but unfortunately not out!!

Divadal for the third successive match dropped the 1^st set. However, he came back in roaring fashion against Kukushkin. 6-7 6-1 6-1 6-1. Divadal baked up triple breadsticks. I swear these scrubs be looking for trouble. I do not know what’s the point of taking a set from Divadal if you have no intention of winning the match or at least another set? They be acting as though one is being paid by the number of sets they play. And straight that Divadal is lacking focus and concentration in the beginning of matches. Or perhaps this is all some crazy ploy to get attention for himself. Who knows or who cares? All I want to know is who is going to take three sets from him in this tournament?

Hello I’m still here

Anywho, Mr. Federer is showing great form through 3 rounds here at Wimbledon. He knocked out Santiago Giraldo 6-3 6-1 6-3. Now I am not made that Mr. Federer is showing great form thus far. My issue is that will this hold up against the big boys. He has Stan the Man possibly in the quarterfinals and then potentially Divadal. #trouble No Bueno. And now that he is through to the 4^th round, he will face none other than Tommy Robredo (23) who took out Mr. Federer at this stage last year at the US Open. Robredo beat Jerzy Janowicz (15) 6-2 6-4 6-7 4-6 6-3. Mr. Federer you best deal with this case. I can’t deal with another early round major lost. Also Dennis the Menace Raonic (8) took out last year’s quarterfinalist, Lukas Kubot in straight sets 7-6 7-6 6-2. There was also an interesting matchup of the two wildcard entrants who dashed nearly all of French hopes, Nick Kyrgios who beat Gasquet in 5 sets when on to beat Jiri Vesely who had beaten Beetlejuice. Kyrgios won in 4 sets 3-6 6-3 7-5 6-2 and through to this first Round of 16 in a major.

Yeah thanks for showing up now bye. I’m off to my 1st Round of 16 at a major

Isner aka Mountain Troll will play FeFe Lopez on Monday. Their match got suspended as did Stan the Man and Denis Istomin’s match. Kei Nishikori aka Horsikori and Simone Bolelli are 3-3 in the 5^th set. They will continue on Monday. So I have been getting some feedback from a fanz. He stated that I should re-rename John Isner. We all know that he was called BFG, Big Friendly Giant but after he decided to be all “ignant” and stuff I said I should call him Mountain Troll. However, a fanz as I said made another suggest; Notorious B.I.G aka Notorious Big Ignorant Giant. It sounds cool and everything I think. So let me know what you think.

John Isner aka Mountain Troll or John Isner aka Notorious B.I.G?

Kiss the grass and Serena can kiss my ass

No Laquanda do not come out! Let’s keep it team Jesus today.

So Serena how do you feel about this lost?

Mofo how do you think I feel? Gurl I gotta read you a bit…You know you’re my good gurlfriend but I have to tell you, the weave looking ratchet. You have to fix this. No Bueno!!!

So gurl what you doing later?

Wanna come with me to meet up with him?

Honey is his (gulp) really that big? YESSS GAWD!! I am coming

I mean seriously this golden blazer is just everything right now!!! EVERYTHING

No boo shit your ass down. You look like a clown.

I mean double scoops of chocoloate … the possibilities

Mofo, this face does not look like no fcuking Koolaide Jug

Gurl you blind?

Whatever mofo

We think we cute

#teamgay? or #teamgaynesia?

Kei Nishikori is all hotness

Until he shows his teeth and he becomes Horsikori

Wimbledon 2014: Day 5

My gurl is gone!

So RealzTenisFanz is late yet again. Oh my what a weekend! What a weekend. Realz is depressed! Wimbledon is giving me fever; typhoid and scarlet fever! I can’t; I just cannot deal with these results. I do not even have time for chit-chat about anything else but my gurl Ebony Starr lost. Oh fanz, you do not know how much I am emotionally connected to this gurl. Oh my the lost wrecked me for the weekend. Granny Vee (30) played Petra Kvitova (6) aka  Grand High Witch aka GHW. They played perhaps one of the best matches all year and my gurl last, 7-5 6-7 5-7. “[T]oday I did the best I could. I think she played well at every single moment. There weren’t a lot of opportunities for either one of us. She played well. I gave it my all. Sometimes it’s not enough … “Yeah, it’s a shame there had to be a loser in this match and more of a shame that it had to be me. But all I can say is that it’s great to see women’s tennis on such a high level.” Well I am glad that Granny Vee feels this way because I sure ain’t feeling all this. I was down; realz down. I really wanted Ebony Starr to do well here. I am happy that she did not lose badly but nevertheless, she lost.

It was rough gurl real rough

GHW working some magic on my gurl at the end breaking her in the 12th game

Realz still love you Granny Vee! Just get it together for the summer. We expecting titles this summer like back in 2000 and 2001

Something doesn’t smell right here … oh yeah it’s my game. It stinks to high heaven

And in other upsetting news, LiNaLi (2) lost yet again to a lower ranked player Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova 7-6 7-6. This was such a ridiculous match. I mean Li took the early lead and then totally collapsed. She was raining errors all over the place. I mean when she missed, she was missing badly. It was like she wanted to lose. Both she and Granny Vee had excellent draws and could have made something of it. However they are both gone now and fanz just have to bemoan their losses.

Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova

Meanwhile, do you know who is still in the draw? Bratzwanska (4), Mrs. Koolaide aka Simona Halep (3), Lady Gollum (23), Makarova (22) and even Danish Biscuit (16). They all won their matches and moved through to the next round. Wait, because of rain, Danish Biscuit, Mrs. Koolaide and up and coming Belinda Bencic who beat Victoria Duval from the US, all played their 2^nd round matches on Friday. The other winners include Shuai Peng who beat another American Lauren Davis and another Czech Tereza Smitkova. That makes 4 Czech women in the Round of 16 more so than any other country. Even more so than the US who currently is batting ZERO. Their last hope is Madison Keys who is currently in battle with Yaroslava Shvedova. Keys already dropped the first set and they are locked in a tiebreaker in the 2^nd set. Play was suspended due to poor lighting. Meanwhile, I have to say that both Danish Biscuit and Bratzwanska are dropping bagels and breadsticks sets on their opponents like opponents like they are daughters of Betty Crocker and the Pillsbury Dough Man. Those girls have been ruthless thus far.

Realz you trying to act as though it our fault that your peoples suck adn we don’t . No Makarova, I am just saying that I don’t like you folks especially when my peeps not around… kidding gurl.. you look like you about to have a coronary. Take a joke! That vein about to pop

On the men’s side, well Djoker Harlequeen has made getting to the 2^nd week of Wimbledon look like hard work. Gurl has been messy. I mean she has won relatively routinely but she is giving a lot of these scrubs looks at breaking him. A lot of them even thinking that they can even get the upset; this is not cute. I mean seriously, he is the only one capable of dealing with Divadal and lord knows he made a mess of it. I mean he has been rolling through and getting the wins but still, gurl needs to look a lot sharper if he intends to win his 2^nd Wimbledon. He took out Gilles Simon 6-4 6-2 6-4.

He almost damaged his shoulder. But he’s okay

Meanwhile, you know how is looking in great shape? Lochness Monster (3)! He is just dragging these boys out here lately. He got out Roberto Bautista-Agut (27) 6-2 6-3 6-2. Nevertheless, this is all good and cute but Bautista-Agut is not the Spaniard he needs to be beating like this … You get what I am saying? I mean seriously, everyone be trying to drag the Spanish boys except the one Spaniard at the top.

Thanks for showing up at my party. A gift bag is at the door on your way out

Anyways, Maria’s clutch Dimitrov (11) came back from being down 1-2 sets and knocked out BWLLAGWLLAB (Boy Who Looks Like A Girl Who Looks Like A Boy) Dolgopolov (21). BWLLAGWLLAB was up but he decided to let the match go and totally capitulated in the 5^th set 6-7 6-4 2-6 6-4 6-1. Anyway, Dimitrov is supposedly the “dark horse” in this competition. Yeah okay! I mean I seriously doubt one of these scrubs is going to pull a “Stan” at Wimbledon. Other winners include Baby Ali (14) and Chin Cilic (26) who beat Berdshite (6) in straight sets. Chin Cilic played an excellent match. I swear Berdshite is bird brain. He is so passive in big matches. Meanwhile, Sergiy Stakhovsky who beat Gulbis in the 2^nd round, well he did the same nonsense by losing in the next round in the 4 sets to Jeremy Chardy. Mr. Pignini (16) aka Fognini is gone as Kevin Anderson (20) took him to the slaughter house.

I thought I was playing on the ATP

Gurl what you saying about me?

There were several 2^nd round matches that had to be completed. Marcel Granollers (30) lost to Santiago Giraldo who for his winning efforts will play Mr. Federer in the 3^rd round. Leonardo Mayers beat Andrey Kuznetsov in straight sets. Meanwhile, Jerzy Janowicz (15) took out Hewitt in 5 sets.

Divadal this is how to work an injury on court … First you fall

Then you are in real pain

Where does it hurt? Right now, my nose. Your breath stinks

Definitely abs day at the gym!!

Definitely working on my abs

Hush my baby. It’s okay sweetie. It is only one loss, I will make you feel better tonight

TSONGA ON COURT DANCE MOVES

First up in the air

Try for the splits but if you can’t try a wolf jump type (gymnastic move)

Then one hand in the air

The the other

Then you shake that thing that your mama gave you

The best I have seen Caro aka Danish Biscuit look in like forever

I think my moobs are bigger than her boobs

Wimbledon 2014: Day 4

That’s how I feel right now .. like I could collapse

Well again, I am working on very little sleep here … So Day 4 was all ablaze with the men’s match up of Divadal v Lukas Rosol. Rosol you would remember defeat Divadal in 5 sets back in 2012. However, Divadal beat Rosol earlier this year in Doha in straight sets. Nonetheless, you know how the media can be. Anyway, so for a minute, it looked like Rosol was going to score the upset again. He won the 1^st set 6-4 and was up a break in 2^nd set.

The crows were buzzing overhead to pick up the Divadal entrails

However, he got broken but was able to force it to a tiebreaker where he had the set on his racquet up 5-4. He lost one of those points but got set point at 6-5 but this time on Divadal’s serve. Divadal came up with the goods and took the set and in essence the match. Divadal broke Rosol early in sets 3 and 4 and though Rosol would get it back on serve in the 4^th set 4-4, he got broken immediately and Divadal served it out 4-6 7-6⁶ 6-4 6-4. Needless to say, the result was disappointing. I mean Rosol had a look at a 2-0 sets love lead but basically choked. I mean Divadal does this to players. For two sets, they have good looks at a huge advantage and he dares them to take it. But it seems these players, Klizan, Djoker, Fake Fire Ferrer and Rosol cannot get over that hurdle of really beating Divadal. I also feel like I jinxed Rosol as I was determined not to watch the match but I got curious when he was leading and took a peek. #Icant #Ijustcant

Suck on that Realz. I am coming for your main man Mr. Federer

Anyway onto other matches: Mr. Federer was in vintage form against Gilles Muller 6-3 7-5 6-3. Although rain interrupted play and they had to get off court to close the roof, Mr. Federer returned still in stellar form. The numbers were very impressive from Mr. Federer, along with the 25 aces, he had 1 double fault dropped only 9 points on serve with 44 winners and 5 errors. His biggest serve 127mph was even bigger than Muller’s at 125mph. Mr. Federer never faced a break point. It was like Mr. Federer was playing Andy Roddick all over again. Muller had that 2 dimensional game; try and get a huge 1^st serve in and then crack on the forehand. However, Muller is much more comfortable up at net than Roddick though but Mr. Federer was in target practice mood. In the presser, the journalists pointed out to Mr. Federer that every time he has beaten Muller, he went on to win the tournament.

Q.  Three times you have played Gilles before now and — you’ve gone on to win the tournament.
ROGER FEDERER:  Oh, really?  Ohh.  Are you sure?  (Laughter.) I’ll go check it out … I’m very happy to be
through and happy to hear the news.

Mr. Federer … that’s all

Contrastingly, fellow Swiss Stan the Man Wawrinka (5) was somewhat messy in his 2^nd round match. Yen-Hsun Lu had chances to really make something of this match. Grass is not Wawrinka’s favourite surface and added to this, Wawrinka gave him many looks to really take this match. Lu served for the 1^st set but got broken and was up 5-2 in the breaker only to let Stan back into the set to take it. Even in the 4^th set, after taking the 3^rd set, Lu had a chance to serve for it at 5-4 had he converted on the break point in the 8^th game. Nonetheless it was he who was on the defensive as Stan broke him and served it out for a 7-6 6-3 3-6 7-5 victory.

We’ll take whatever wins we can get. So lay off my case Realz

Both Dennis the Menace Raonic (8) and Kei Horseteethikori (10) made short work of two Americans to move through to the 3^rd round. Dennis the Menace took out Jock Sock 6-3 6-4 6-4 and Horseteethikori took out Denis Kudla 6-3 6-2 6-1. Mountain Troll beat Jarkko Nieminen 7-6 7-6 7-5. Tommy Robredo (23) also won his match in straight sets over France’s Adrian Mannarino 6-4 6-1 7-6. Other winners include last year’s quarterfinalist, Lukas Kubot as well as Denis Istomin and Mikhail Kukushkin. Baby Ali (14) who finally finished up his 2^nd round match against American Sam Querrey aka the Grinch 4-6 7-6 6-76-3 14-12. They were 9-9 at the end of the previous day’s play.

Baby Ali doing the happy dance

Nick Kyrgios sent Gasquet packing

Unfortunately, the other two top French men were not so lucky in their 2^nd round matches. Resident clown Beetlejuice (24) went out to Jiri Vesely of Czech Republic. Beetlejuice dropped the first two sets and then rallied to take the next two in breakers. Now you would think someone of Beetlejuice’s experience he would be able to find a way to win it in the 5^th. Nope, he mucked about the place and Vesely broke him in the 9^th game and served it out for a 7-6 6-3 6-7 6-7 6-4 victory. The other Frenchman, Gasquet (13) was facing a 19-year-old wild card entrant in the form of Nick Kyrgios of Australia. Gasquet was up 2-0 sets in the match and allowed Kyrgios to take the next two. He would have 9; that’s NINE match points and unable to convert any of them. Kyrgios took it 3-6 6-7 6-4 7-5 10-8. There was another upset, Philipp Khlschreiber (22) was also knocked out in 5 sets by Simone Bolelli.

Serenanator was very serene on court as she dismantled Scheepers … Wait is Martha saying shite about me

On the women side, Serenanator (1) and Shriekapova (5) are on a collision course with each other in the quarterfinals. They both dismantled their respective opponent. ReRe won 6-1 6-1 and Martha 6-2 6-1. Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide was supposed to play yesterday but rain suspended play in the afternoon and it would be played today. Carebear Kerber (9) won over Heather Watson 6-2 5-7 6-1. Now I like Watson as she has a really fun personality or so it seems via Facebook etc. However, what bothers me about her and a lot of the young players on the tour is that they really are “opportunists.” They cannot win unless the top players are choking. They cannot create anything on their side to remotely hurt the “big girls;” they rely heavily on others mistakes and not them taking the offensive. Take Watson, she fought her way into the 2^nd set and closed it out 7-5. Come 3^rd set, NOTHING! NADA! NOUGHT! She almost went down 0-6. Consider Muguruza, Bouchard and Halep at the French against Shriekapova. They only got to the 3^rd set and again they were not able to do anything even though the momentum was in their favour.

What you going to do about it?

Not today Satan! Not today! Jehovah talk to her, please! I am trying to be a good girl at Wimbledon. She is trying to bring Laquanda on court. Laquanda is not allowed to come out. She’s on probation. She’s not nasty. She’s just real. Keeps it real. And you just definitely don’t want to cross her. Because you cross her, then she snaps. I don’t speak to her very often. I try never to see her. She’s nuts. Spare her Jehovah in these words I pray. Amen

Meanwhile, Eva had this to say on the matter, Martha best to chill. I won’t be able to protect you if Laquanda comes on court. I can barely protect myself.

Adje!!! Ana is on court and not Ivanovic the Terrible

Anyway, speaking of Bouchard (13) she won her match in straight sets. She could potentially meet Serenanator in the Round of 16. Ana Ivanovic (11) so far is on court in her first two matches as she too moved through to the 3^rd round. No sign so far of Ivanovic the Terrible. Last year’s semifinalist and finalist Kristin Flipkens (24) and Sabine Losicki (19) both won their 2^nd round matches in straight sets. Andreas Petkovic (20) and Lady Cornemort (25) aka Alize Cornet of France are also through to the 3^rd round both winning in 3 sets. Cornemort will face the Serenanator in the 3^rd round. Cornemort beat the Serenanator earlier this year, so it is a re-match with ReRe looking for the revenge kill. Other winners of interest who also made it to the 3^rd round include Yaraslova Shvedova who took out last year’s quarterfinalist Kaia Kanepi in 3 sets, American Madison Keys also won in 3 sets as well as fellow American Alison Riske who took out Camila Giorgi 7-5 6-2. Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15) got dismissed in three sets by Zarina Diyas.

 The Divadal’s hair raising problem

First it looks like this

Then this

midway it start looking like wet feathers

And then even he can’t deal with the mess

ARGHHH I’ve thinning hair… Why can’t I get Roger’s locks

Well good thing I have a decent body to compensate

Don’t even know what to say about this hair

WTF indeed Carlo? We are all wondering why you look like this

What a handsome lady

Anyone else noticing how much happier Lochness Monster seem. I mean I’ve never seen him smile so often. If this continues, I might have to call him Puff the Magic Dragon

Just hanging with the boys

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?

Sometimes ….

Now to worry, you’re not alone.

Yeah I had to cover it up because gurl, it is like the Amazon down there.

Do you think we look foolish? No. I think we might just look ridiculous

Hey gurl

Well how you doing?

 

 

 

Wimbledon 2014: Day 3

This is how I like to think of myself when it comes to tennis … I exude absolute coolness

I guess because this is late, I cannot think of anything to tell you but the scores. I hope you folks are enjoying the blog. I have to say that I forsake sleep and exercise to get it out to you. So PLEASE COMMENT, LIKE and SHARE. It is an interesting fact that a lot of people read blogs but rarely comment. That is to say that more people read the blogs that actually do comment. So if you get like 20 comments per posting, you probably have well over 2000 readers … I mean I do not know the real science behind but I am sure the different is exponential. Most people do not notice this on the popular blogs that they read mainly because said blog has A LOT of readers. I would love for that to happen to RealzTenisFanz. Make it happen okay. I beg you.

She was a mess against Shark Boy who almost bit his wig off

So Djoker Harlequeen (1) was a mess against Shark Boy Stepanek. I mean seriously, he barely knew whether he was coming or going. Shark Boy was making him look amateur at some points. Djoker was up 5-2 in that breaker if I am not mistaken and allowed Stepanek back into the match. I have to say though that Stepanek was working his shark tail off. He really wanted a set from Djoker; something he had never done before. Well he got his wish. He won a set but he certainly did not win the match. Djoker moves through to the 3^rd round 6-4 6-3 6-7 7-6. Meanwhile, Lochness Monster just gobbled up his competition. He dropped just two games in the match 6-1 6-1 6-0.

Amelie is proud of her work so far with Lochness Monster

Berdshite (6) played another piece of mess Bernard Tampomic for a place in the 3^rd round. For a while, it looked as though Tampomic was going to get the upset as Berdshite was simply meandering around the court and barely trying to win the match. Tampomic took the 1^st set 6-4 and had looks in the next two sets. However, after the Aussie butt lost the 2^nd and 3^rd sets in the breakers, he would become dejected on court. Berdshite capitalized on this negativity and ran away with the match 4-6 7-6 7-6 6-1. Sharapova’s clutch, Dimitrov (11) was able to finish off another Australian, Luke Saville, in straight sets, 6-3 6-2 6-4. A lot of people are talking about Dimitrov like he has some chance of winning Wimbledon this year … Yeah I mean he does have a chance if food poisoning attacks the draw and leaves them debilitated. I mean anything can happen no?

YEAHHHHHHH I won the battle of the shits

Other winners on the day include Mr. Pignini (16), Kevin Anderson (20), BWLLAGWLLAB Dolgopolov (21), Chin Cilic (26), Roberto Bautista-Agut (27), Leonard Mayer who beat Marcos Fathdatis, Gilles Simon who will play Djoker in the 3^rd round as well as fellow countryman Jeremy Chardy who beat Marinko Matosevic in 5 sets.

Fake Fire Ferrer got blown out in the 2nd round AND not in a good way

There were several upsets of notable players. Fake Fire Ferrer (7) ended his run of consecutive Round of 16 or better at a major at 16 as he was dismissed in the 2^nd round by Andrey Kuznetsov in 5 sets. Kuznetsov won 6-7 6-0 3-6 6-3 6-2. It is rather shocking as one expected better of Fake Fire Ferrer. I guess that beatdown in Paris from Divadal did not help his spirits. Fake Fire Ferrer stated after that devastating lost that he basically gave up. Seems like that fighting spirit is gone. I mean he lost a set 0-6 to some scrub though Kuznetsov was the boy’s champion here back in 2009 if I am not mistaken. Anyway another bit upset was Ernest Gulbis (12) aka Goony Gulbis who got clipped by that “2^nd Round seed killer” Sergiy Stakhovsky. You might remember Stakhovsky who took out Mr. Federer last year in this same round. Now this year, he came for Gulbis, the 2014 French Open semifinalist who incidentally beat Mr. Federer in the 4^th round of the French Open this year. Stakhovsky was all over Goony Gulbis’s wig from the start as he broke him at love if I am not mistaken. Stakhovsky would lead all the way to a 6-4 6-3 7-6 victory. Gulbis would later say he in essence did not have his “A-game” for reasons he could not get into. I mean seriously gurl, ain’t nobody was checking for you to do anything special at Wimbledon. We all expected you to flap like some chicken wings and fly to nowhere fast. So whatever gurl, in the worlds of the immortal Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” Meanwhile, the ever enigmatic Mikhail Youzhny (17) lost in 4 sets to some qualifier. Here again, no one was really checking for this one but we sorta figured that these lower scrubs would have the decency to at least get to the 3^rd round or the Round of 16 but whatever. They most certainly were not relevant to the plot here at Wimbledon.

What she said!!

On the ladies side, LiNaLi (2) made easy work of Yvonne Meusburger 6-2 6-2 to move quietly through to the 3^rd round. Bratzwanska (4) took on Aussie Casey Dellacqua and was up 5-1 in the 1^st set before losing the momentum as Dellacqua broke her twice to get back on serve 4-5. However, Dellacqua got all … I don’t even know what to say, I guess she got “leotarded” as she went on to lose 7 successive games in a row. Bratzwanska moves through 6-4 6-0. Dellacqua you really could not try and lift Australia’s hopes since D’Stove went out like a candle in the wind in the 1^st round. Whatever gurl! Whatever! Anyway Grand High Witch, GHW Kvitova (6) took out Mona Barthel as though she stole something from her coven. Kvitova down 1-2 in the 1^st set, reeled 11 straight games to take the match 6-2 6-0.

Bratzwanska is quietly moving through the draw possibly heading to another Wimbledon final

GHW will take on Ebony Starr Williams (30) aka Venus in the 3^rd round. Granny Vee won 7-6⁴ 6-1 over her opponent, Kumuri Nara. Now, Granny Vee was behind nearly every stage of the match; down 0-3 in the 1^st set then 1-4 in the tiebreaker and finally down a break 0-1 in the 2^nd set. However, the very experienced lady got her life together or perhaps she realized that I was reading her for filth on RealzTenisFanz the Facebook edition as well as on Twitter. Whatever the case, she began to play the type of tennis that brought her 7 major titles. She will need to play way way way better than this to take out GHW who has a 3-1 record over the American. Actually I do not care how Granny Vee wins, just as so long as it is legal and she wins.

Granny Vee look to be her old self

Other winners include Cibuttkova (10) who rallied from 2-5 down in the 3^rd set to get past some Belgian Alison Van Uytvanck I think it is, 3-6 6-3 8-6. Danish Biscuit (16), Lady Gollum Safarova (23) and Ekaterina Makarova (22) all won in straight sets. Former Wimbledon finalist back in 2010, Vera Zvonareva beat British hopeful Tara Moore I think it is 6-4 6-7 9-7. Zvonareva twice had to fight for her life as Moore served for the match up 5-3 and 6-5 in the 3^rd set. Seems like Zvonareva finally found some backbone as she did not wither away on court. You know usually the court would be flooded with tears in these tough situations.

Tear free is Zvonareva

By way of upsets, we saw Vickie (8) being dismissed by Bojana Jovanovski 3-6 6-3 5-7. Vickie fought her way back from 1-4 in the 3^rd set but that iffy serve of her could not help her sustain the momentum. I really hope Jovanovski makes some noise and not just screaming her throat out on court. I have long liked the look of this girl, Jovanovski I mean. I really hope that she makes much of this win and not get upset in the 3^rd round because she does favour being a BBB (Basic Ball Basher). Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) also got dismissed by American Lauren Davis in straight sets, 4-6 6-7. Elena Vesnina (32) who beat Granny Vee in 2012 in the 1^st round also got sent home. You know I am all smiles about this. Other interesting losers, Coco Vandeweghe, Varvane Lepchenko, Maria Krazilenko and Yanina Wickmayer all scored upsets in the 1^st round and all got dismissed in the 2^nd round. “Gurls Bye!”

I mean Professora X says it best

Maria’s clutch Dimitrov giving you that “European scruff look” as well as a treasure trail

Yeah even I applaud myself

Chin Cilic giving you more scruff

Baby Ali

Even more chest … but something tells me the treasure not up top

Yeah you should hang your head in shame. We need to work on the tummy some more

Tomic showing his paper thin chest

Fiery Ferrer is always good for shirtless pics

The ladies trying to get into the action

Hanging low

Hmm … Hmm .. I don’t know what to say. I swear I didn’t photoshop this picture. This is Tara Moore of Great Britain. All I can said gurl is that you have way more than others

Why you here??

Shark Boy

If you look closely you can see the marks on his face left by a savage attack from the ugly stick

Moaning Mona, I thought we talk about you more Pro Activ about that face. Gurl is like you got beaten with a meat tenderizer

Honey gurl! A pink ball? I mean you didn’t have to be this obvious trying to hit on the man

Camilla throwing shade to basic bitches!

I’m having a great time here drinking … I feel so comfortable with you. I’m gonna let you in on a lil secret

What gurl? Dish it

I totally just farted and it is one of those silent deadly ones. WTF bitch? You foul gurl!

Huh? You heard me … I said it is my upper back that’s hurting not my ass

I’m gonna stick my finger up your ass. Let me know when I’ve gone too far. TOO FAR! WAY TOO FAR

Wimbledon 2014: Day 2

Day 2

So here we are with Day 2 at the 2014 Wimbledon Championships. Nearly all matches were completed and most of the big names got through to the 2^nd round. However, there were some upsets mostly on the women’s side. The men seem to be in it for the money; 1^st round money is very good but 2^nd round money is even better.

Divadal finally made it to the 2nd round of a grass court tournament

Divadal (2) won his 1^st round match … well that is to say that he finally won a match on grass. He took out Martin Klizan 4-6 6-3 6-3 6-3. Interestingly enough they met last year at the French Open in the 2^nd round. The scoreline was the same. Klizan had his chances to do much more but he could not execute on the big points. Divadal does not look so smooth but it does not matter. A win is a win. You don’t win a major in the first week but you sure can lose one. Things are even more interesting because guess who Divadal is playing in the 2^nd round …. None other than Lukas Rosol himself; the man who started Divadal’s troubles on grass back in 2012 when he dismissed him at Wimbledon in the 2^nd round. After that loss, Divadal disappeared from tour claiming “The Knees were acting up.” He returned to the tour in February 2013. Divadal did not lose a single match on hard court all of 2013. Now I am not starting any rumours here, I am just stating facts. Rosol took out French hotness Benoit Paire in his opening round match 6-3 3-6 7-6 6-4. It is very very very very unlikely that Rosol will score another upset but non-fanz of Divadal will be ever hopeful that lightening will strike twice.

SHIT! I thought I was going to get that upset today

Anyway we digress, Baby Ali (14) finished up his match against Meltdown by serving it out at love 6-1 3-6 3-6 6-2 6-4. When rain interrupted play on Monday, Baby Ali was up 5-4 in the 5^th. Also finishing up his match was Sam Querrey aka The Grinch. He knocked out fellow American Bradley Klahn 6-7 6-4 6-1 7-5.

Even though he only played one game today, you know we hardly need an excuse to show Baby Ali

Mr. Federer (4) won his match with relative ease 6-1 6-1 6-3. He took out Italian Paolo Lorenzi. Mr. Federer had 9 aces, 40 winners and 20 errors. However, a lot of those errors came about as a result of poor execution. I can’t deal with a sloppy Federror. He needs to do better. His level of play will suffice for the scrubs and lower tiers of the ATP but when he meets the likes Goonie Gulbis, Divadal et al, it will not hold up at all. Nonetheless we move on: Fellow Swiss player, Stan the Man (5) or “Stanimal” as he being called… for me Wawrinka cannot be a “Stanimal” when he is losing regular tour matches to scrubs on a regular basis. When he has multiple majors and master series title, then he’ll be “Stanimal” for now he is just “Stan the Man” who beat Divadal’s @$$ in the Aussie Open final causing Divadal to claim “bad back.” Anyway, Stan the Man took out hotness Joao Sousa 6-3 6-4 6-3. Stan had 18 aces. That’s some big boy serving.

Mr. Federer

Stan the Man

Other seeded players who won include up and coming contenders Milos Raonic aka Dennis the Menace (8), BFG Isner (9), Kei Nishikori (10), Richard Gasquet (13) who needed 5 sets to get rid of his opponent, James Duckworth 6-7 6-3 3-6 6-0 6-1. Jerzy Janowicz (15) also needed 5 sets to get past Somdev Dewarman 4-6 6-3 6-3 3-6 6-3. FeFe Lopez (19) who must be super exhausted having played two weeks of tennis coming into this tournament. Lopez won three tiebreaker sets to move through to the 2^nd round. Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) won in straight sets as did Beetlejuice (24). Tommy Robredo (22) won his 1^st round match in 4 sets.

I gotta say that one arm bit looks really cool on Dennis the Menace Raonic

Several players of interest also won today including Nick Kyrgios of Australia (a hottie, if you like that thickish of Greek and Malay heritage) and fellow Aussie Llyeton Hewitt. Gilles Muller who took out Andy Roddick in 2005 1^st round also won as did American Jock Sock, Lukas Kubot, quarterfinalist here last year, Jarrko Nieminen and Mikhail Kukushkin. There were several upsets including unseeded Alejandro Falla who did well on the grass leading up to Wimbledon; he lost in straight sets to Ante Pavic of Croatia. Guillermo Garcia-Lopez (28) lost to Dusan Lajovic in 5 sets; Ivo Karlovic (29) lost in straight sets to Franck Dancevic and Dimitri Tursunov (32) lost to Denis Istomin. So that’s about it for the men’s.

BFG Isner will now be known as the Troll

Oh I just want to point you to a story regarding John Isner aka BFG … (See link below) http://trollandgarros.tumblr.com/post/89253044033/isner-puts-his-white-privilege-on-display-says-the  It is a really good read. See I really have an issue with Isner’s comments. First off, I do not know why or how he felt he had the necessary “credentials” to weigh in on this matter. However, I like the fact that the author of this piece served up some “truth tea detox” Second since I am in FULL agreement … well let me know say full but I am with the author on many of his salient points AND also somewhat dismayed by Isner’s ensuing comments when others tried to enlighten him; I am going to change Isner’s name. From henceforth, BFG which means Big Friendly Giant will just still be “Troll” or perhaps “Mountain Troll” I would really like to hear from you on this matter. I do not understand how people can think “Redskins” is okay to be calling a professional football time. I mean I do not even know why the sport is even called “football” but we not even going to touch that one.

BFG is now a Troll

On the women’s side: The Serenanator (1) is looking good. She had a tough opening service game which took her 10 minutes to complete. She later said that she played well but the girl was hitting some good shots. Anyway, the demons did not come out because the Serenanator was all over Ana Tatishivili as she took her out 6-1 6-2. She had 31 winners of which 16 were aces and 13 unforced errors. Those are some healthy numbers; very very healthy and positive. Hopefully she keeps this up because the road ahead is going to be intense and there can be no letting up of the focus and intensity.

The Serenanator is ready to do battle at Wimbledon

Simona Halep (3) who I swear looks like the Koolaid Juice Jug (I know it is wrong but I swear it is what comes to mind every single time) also had a quick affair on the court. She moved through in straight sets as did Bratzwanska (4), Shriekapova (5) who is supposedly looking good 6-1 6-0 but judging by the numbers, 13 winners, 9 errors, 3 aces and 5 double faults, 43% on 2^nd serve, I am going to say “meh.” This is Shriekapova just handling the Lady planktons with her usual ruthless flair. Carebear Kerber (9) took out lil sis Radwanska in straight sets also. Ivanovic The Terrible (11) was almost in trouble against Francesco Schiabone. However, it seemed as though Schiabone had other ideas in mind than winning the big points. Maybe it was the longer hair or the slight attempt to feminize herself that was mucking up her game. Who knows and who cares? Anyway, Ana won in straight sets. 2013 finalist Sabine Losicki (19) also won in straight sets. The German took out Israeli Julia Glushko 6-2 6-1.

I think Shriekapova is going to a picnic or something with that much bags

Other seeded players who came through include Genie Bouchard (13), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16), Kristopher Flipkens (24) last year’s semifinalist, Cornemort (25) and Klara Koukalova (31) who took out American Taylor Townsend in straight sets 7-5 6-2. Other winners of interest are Jie Zheng, Madison Keys who took out another young hopeful Monica Puig in straight sets, Varvane Lepchenko who dismissed Tsetvana Pironkova (Granny Vee thanks you Lepchenko), Heather Watson of England, Belinda Bencic of Switzerland and Camila Giorgi of Italy.

Bye Gurl Pironkova! Bye!

There were several key upsets on the ladies side biggest of which was Fivehand Jungle Witch Jankovic (7) who was dismantled by Kaia Kanepi, quarterfinalist here last year. Kanepi took care of business 6-3 6-2. Fattychunkova (26) lost in 3 sets to American Alison Riske as did fellow Russian Kuzi Rex (28) who lost to Michelle Larcher De Brito. Roberta Vinci (21) and doubles partner Sara ETranni (14) will be concentrating solely on doubles this Wimbledon as they were both booted out of the singles draw in three sets. Vinci lost to Donna Vekic 4-6 6-4 4-6 and ETranni lost to Caroline Garcia 6-2 6-7 5-7. Sorana Cirstea (29) was also sent packing when she lost to American qualifier Victoria Duval 4-6 6-3 1-6. American Christina McHale was also dismissed.

I was this close to winning the match!

Kuzi-Rex what a disappointment!!

Anyway, that’s all folks … Day 3 action will feature Lochness Monster, Djoker, Granny Vee, GHW Kvitova, Tampomic, Maria’s hangbag Dimitrov, Bratzwanska, Berdshite and many others… So PLEASE check us out. DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT even if just about the pictures…

So Bartoli showed up on Centre Court and she was all teary eye … I too got all teary eye watching this hideous outfit unfold (White and off white lace combination and the necklace #icant)

Now I don’t want to hate but really gurl? Really? Those shoes? I think they are to hide her infamous cankles but still

Even Lisicki is like WTF?? Gurl what happened? Those shoes honey are just You look…you look… you look so plentiful. Eating well in retirement I see”  Meanwhile, what is that stain on the bottom of that “dress” ? Actually, I don’t wanna know

Joao Sousa from Portugal

Martin Klizan, you might be a loser in the 1st round but you’re a winner in our hearts here at Realz… and we have a “special prize” for you

You lost on the tennis court today Daniela but you’re definitely winning in fashion court

Veteran hottie around these parts is looking a bit weathered but he can still get it

We don’t even know his name and we’re not even trying to find out either….What we need to know is where he’s staying

Lisicki looking cute as ever … we’re gonna ignore the snaggletooth

Beetlejuice… gurl.. this is definitely not cute even by your standards

Beetlejuice got himself cornrows … Definitely has not improved his look but to be honest, it doesn’t hurt it either

Of course you we gotta talk about Carlo

Francisco is trying to give us femme realness

I’ve fallen….

And I can’t get up

Gurl, why you acting like a heifer eating the grass? We don’t behave like that at Wimbledon

Don’t you wish you had a sexy coach like me

Tiann, I think Danish Biscuit is saying hello to you …. and she’s being a bit insensitive about the matter

Hewitt is going all out to stay in the game

Mrs. Hewitt keeping tabs on her “investment” This mofo better not get injured again

Is Patrick M going to sing an aria?

He is channeling some soprano realness here

Cornemort had a nose bleed on court … blood magic I say … blood magic!!

Now we have discussed “Gayneisa” here before; where “straight” guys blame their homosexual tendencies on liquor. “I got really wasted with the guys again and then one thing (my pants) lead to another (their pants) and then another (the undies) and next thing you know, his penis was in my mouth and mine was in his. I don’t know why that keep happening. I sobered up and was like Broooo we are never doing this again”

Gaynesia is not to be confused with just being “gay” BIG DIFFERENCE

This is gaynesia. See the different? Good

 Now we have a new Realz term for you: “Gaylusion” this is where straight women cannot seem to see they’re a fag hag. I mean look at this scene. Holla if you believe there is a straight couple in the midst wearing a yellow shirt .. those two girls to the side in those short shorts may have just realized that this just might not be where they need to be at “Gurl, I don’t think any of these guys are our types. Really? Why you say that? Gurl look at the front row, it’s a men’s chorale up in here. Look at that soprano in the green shorts! We need to go.” Lady in the red cap, she definitely knows the dealio. Girls, these boys are strictly dickly! 

Meanwhile, YESSS I finally won a match on grass

Now check out my pocketbook. Isn’t it just FABULOUS

Simona Halep

The Koolaide Jug … enough said

 

Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part III: WTA Pre-Party Event

So each year, before Wimbledon, the WTA has this gala event for the ladies. Now, I am not invited much to my chagrin but that still does not mean that I do not get to see what’s going on. Anyway, the ladies love this event because they get to “dress up” and show up. It is something like the Oscar’s of tennis or something along those lines. Of course, you have some Best Dress! some Worse Dress! and then some WTF is that Dress?? So since you weren’t there either, Realz figured, why got get you some pictures and have you judging for yourself.

Daniela is just giving it all right here! She is living for this moment. Pity her tennis can’t match this effort.. You get an A

Daniela show these itches for it is DONE!!! Gurl you get an A+++++ You killed it right here

I am feeling the dress Belinda, the shoes half way but you could have at least put some make up on your feet. Gurl, it ain’t a cute look. It looks like white gym socks in heels. You get an B-

Sabine, gurl you turned it out here! You not winning tennis titles but you giving Daniela a run for the crown today… SEXY! CLASSY! WERQ!!! A+

Excellent. Young, cute, hip. I think you can do better but it was a nice choice nonetheless Monica. And the hair is werqing for me B+++

Bratzwanska… you look cute but this looks too old for you… I was trying to figure out what I didn’t like about this… you’re 24 I think, you look like a Stepford Wife from Cougar Town. So give your mother this dress and have Daniela H help you with your shopping. You have got an A if you were over 40 but since you’re in your early 20s you can a D for Dress your Age

Oh Martha, I’m gonna need you to fire this stylist right now.. Not a good look… those shoulders gurls… No! You get an D+

Honey what’s going on with those feet? Your feet will be killing you tomorrow for sure… Not cute.. No Im gonna change to a D-

Gurl even from the side it is no better… You looking like the Head Nurse on the Star Trek Enterprise. You need to be beamed off this ship… Actually, your final grade is an F

Meanwhile, Venus wearing something similar to play in this year and it looks way better than Maria’s

Serena really overall, you look good but you’re giving me someone’s naughty mistress about to jet off to a late-night rendez-vous with the trench coat. You can do better. Meanwhile, the bra looks heavenly. M for Mistress

Gurl can you even get past the 4th round of a major anymore? You got jokes. I am coming for your wig Martha!!

Dominika, you might get mad for this… But you look like ShowGirls… and I am talking about the movie here.. #bad #horrible #tacky Straight up F

I am sorry Dominika but Courtney Act wore it better #rupaulsdragrace

Dominika again, this is just tacky…Save this for your fiance and the honeymoon…

And she’s killing it right now!!! And Cibulkova, Courtney Act is a bio boy

Venus I’m gonna need you to do better! Really gurl, you came out in this? No unacceptable at this level B for Basic

Hmmm I see your hand is damage Laura so clearly you didn’t put yourself in it all by yourself. So I am going to need you to fire your handlers because this is abuse of the physically impaired. H for Helpless and Handicap

Ursula came ashore from the Under the Sea. Anastasia Pavy… I swear you wore this just to have me come for you. Gurl, the only thing cute here is the tattoo on your foot. That’s it… everything else.. trash.. I can’t even with that hair.. I am gonna have to give you an X, you need to be Xed outta here Ladies and gents, this is one of the real mysteries of life? Why would you leave your home looking like this and allow yourself to be photographed?

Genie, I am gonna need you to get back into the bottle with this one and stay in there… Everything is all wrong except the hair and then you gone and put your hand in it for a 1980’s look… Honey you weren’t even born in the 80s… CHOP! Bye Gurl… You get an H for Hellz NO

Gurl I don’t even know who you are but what I do know is that that is outfit is a NO GO You get an F

Andrea really gurl? You look like being in a dress is punishment… This look isn’t working for me at all. You made this dress this afternoon? And those shoes… honey… honey.. honey… NO! Give your mother back her shoes. I’m gonna really need you to do better P for Plastic

Vickie I know you have been off for a bit but still, this look isn’t ready. So get back into the car and drive back home and pick something else C-

Li Na or should I say Li HELLZ NA. WTH gurl? You looking like an eggplant and not the fresh kind. P for Produce

Li saw this is the look and thought that her efforts were equal work. If I were Gucci, I would sue..

Clearly this is someone’s first times in heels.. The dress however, belongs to her younger sister… NOPE

Slowe Stephens, you are tardy for this party. You looking like you missed the mark of the Tina Turner LookaLike contest. So you need throw yourself off Mountain High and drown this look river deep. You get a T… for Tired and Tried look

You’re really trying here and Im gonna give you an E for Effort but I don’t like the dress colours. It fits and you’re werqing it but still you can do better! Sorry gurl but I’m gonna have to give you a B for Boring

Soriana I expected better from you… No, looking like some punk rocker’s ex girlfriend… P for Poor

Oh Mischa… see this is why we should all say no to drugs. It addles the brain and we leave the house looking like this and think we’re cute… but gurl this dress needs to be in the garbage chute.

Oh gurl… how about we just wrap you in this shawl alone and call it a day. I am sure it costs more than everything else you’re wearing combined. She is giving me goodwitch, wicked witch of the west and Dorothy with them shoes all in one.

I mean the shoes are killing me!!!

I think Vera D got her grandmother to embroider this for her. It looks like a huge handkerchief made into a dress…So she should throw this snot cloth in the trash… The pattern is cute though..

I mean I don’t want to say it but I mean really, drag queens can do better than this… Not a cute look at all

This is from last year’s even but I couldn’t resist because this is just horrible all year round forever!! Anna K gets an H for HOT MESS Looks like Bethanie recycled this dress to make hers for this year and use the bleeding colours to dye her hair

Oh Bethanie… You’re wearing the hotel’s sheet and gurl that ain’t chic! You get an F

I swear she took this picture just to have me hate on her… I am not going to take the bait…

I will resist the temptation. Not today Satan! Not today!!

I mean come on now… Need I say more other than Fivehead JungleWitch! Why Jelena? Why??

#icant with you Fivehead. You look some high sorceress priestess about to kill someone for sacrifice. Not my blood Vampire Queen

Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part II: The Ladies

So the ladies are set for the major of all the majors, Wimbledon. Very few ladies enjoy this tournament because this is the place where “pushing” and “looping” the ball around do not count. Those pushers and loopers die early out there. You have to have some power in your arsenal as well as deadly kill shots if you intend to do well. Even if you sneak into the final, your opponent will just crush you for days. Ask Vera Zvonavera (2010) and Bratzwanska (2012).  Therefore look for the “big girls” to do well; Serenanator, Shriekapova, Ebony Starr (one is hoping and praying), Losicki, Grand High Witch Kvitova etc etc. They are the ones who if they keep their head cool and their game tight, will be the ones in the final. Anyway, I do not have much to say about the ladies because they haven’t done much of consequence lately.

Last year’s finalists Bartoli and Losicki

Just like the men, the draw of 128 has been broken down into the Top Half (Serenanator and Halep) and the Bottom Half (LiNaLi and Bratzwanska). Each half was then further broken down into Quarters. Again, I am not going to make any real predictions but give a likely scenario and speak of possible interesting matchups. We need not make a fool of ourselves by speaking of prediction because we saw how that turned out last time at the French. I mean seriously, Serenanator lost to Muguruza in the 2^nd round. Venus losing to some Schmediova. Really gurl? Really? By the end of the first week, nearly the entire top 10 was out of the competition. You do not even need to ask but you know I was not handling this Shriekapova victory well at all. I couldn’t deal!

Anyway, the lead up tournaments to Wimbledon were all won by unlikely candidates; Ivanovic the Terrible got her life together and brought Ana to the court to win her first grass court title in Birmingham, Coco Vandeweghe…yeah that Coco Vandeweghe won ‘s-Hertogenbosch which is in Holland I think if I am not mistaken and another American Madison Keys won Eastbourne. These winners are not known for their grass court prowess but it will be interesting to see what happens to them at Wimbledon. Speaking of Wimbledon, unlike for the men, the committee decided not to touch the women’s seedings. The top 32 ranked players were seeded as such. They didn’t even move up Shriekapova (5) or Ebony Starr (30). I mean if you are going to bump up the likes of Andreas Seppi from 34^th in the world to 25^th seed Tabasco Verdasco from 23^rd to 18^th seed and Jerzy Janowicz from 24^th to the 15^th seed then demote Stan W who is 3^rd in the world to 5^th seed and put World’s number one Divadal who won only a single match in 2 years at Wimbledon as the number 2 seed, you might as well apply some of this inane logic to the ladies. I am just saying that Cibulkova doesn’t deserve to be 10^th seed and who are we kidding with LiNaLi being the number 2 seed and D’Stove Stosur as the 17^th seed. Anyway, I digress..

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Serenanator [1] v Shriekapova [5]

So the Serenanator has been having issues at the majors. She has been a mess as of late by her own standards. However, Wimbledon is her favourite place to play and she is looking for her 6^th Wimbledon crown. If she is set her year right, Wimbledon is definitely the place to begin. She has a somewhat tough draw, possibly facing fellow American Christina McHale aka McFail in the 2^nd round, then in the 3^rd round Alize Cornet aka Cornemort (23) who beat her in Dubai semifinal this year and a very hot Genie Bouchard (13) in the Round of 16. Then on top of all of that, she can face Shriekapova (5) in the quarterfinals which would the 10^th anniversary of their meeting in the 2004 final when Shriekapova simply crushed the Serenanator. Ironically, it has been nearly 10 years since Shriekapova last beat the Serenanatnor. Andreas Petkovic (20) is also in this section of the draw as a possible 3^rd round opponent for the American.

As of late S in Serenanator has come to mean, S for Struggle

Things are not so easy for reigning French Open champion Shriekapova either. She not only have to factor in that if she wants to win Wimbledon she will need to solve her Serenanator problem in the quarterfinals but first there is also Anastasia Pavlychenkova (26) aka Fattychunkova or Camila Giorgi in the 3^rd round and Carebear Kerber (9) in the Round of 16. Now these ladies, Fattychunkova, Giorgi and Kerber aren’t really worthy opponents for Shriekapova but they have shown in the past that they can beat her and they will be looking for win here if for nothing else but to shut her up. She has really grown quite full of herself as of late. Shriekapova will be looking for the French Open/Wimbledon double which has not been done on the ladies side since the Serenanator in 2002.

Shriekapova getting that practice in

Quarter 2: Halep [3] v Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic [7]

The 2014 French Open finalist, Halep (3) should have an easy enough time getting to the Round of 16 which she would possibly face the winner of the Ivanovic the Terrible (11) or Sabine Losicki (19) 3^rd round match. Ivanovic the Terrible will have to get past Francesco Schiabone in the 1^st round. Fivehead Jankovic (7) might be facing Halep in the quarters but there is Yaroslava Shvedova lurking in the 2^nd round. There is an interesting 1^st round matchup of Madison Keys v Monica Puig. This is worth watching. This section is about as easy a section as one can be. So watch out for a breakthrough star/unknown to come out of this region.

Halep trying to win her 1st major

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Bratzwanska [4] v Vickie [8]

I am so happy that Vickie is back on the tour. She is a delight to watch and I know she would spare me from some of the silliness I have seen on the tour during her absence. I am happy that she is back. She lost in her first round encounter in Eastbourne last week but I am sure she will get better at this tournament. Last year she had to pull out in the 2^nd round I think due to injury but in 2012 she made the semis and also won an Olympic bronze medal. So she can play on the stuff. She is an unpredictable factor in this section of the draw. She also has to with Garbine Muguruza (27) or Coco Vandeweghe in the 3^rd round and the winner of the 3^rd round matchup of Cibuttkova (10) and Lucie Safarova (23) aka Lady Gollum in the Round of 16.

Vickie is eager to get back on the court of another major

Bratzwanska (4) did not have the French Open that she would have preferred. She didn’t even make it past the 3^rd round if I am not mistaken. She has to deal with Kuzi-Rex (28) in the 3^rd round. Tsvetana Pironkova and Varvarne Lepchenko who play each other in the 1^st round could be a possible 4^th round opponent. There is also Sara Errani (14) in this section of the draw. Alien v Predator (Errani) has to get past France’s Caroline Garcia.

Quarter 4: LiNaLi (2) v GHW Kvitova (6)

GHW showing off her magic works

2011 Champion Kvitova (6) is looking to recapture the magic here. She has been a sorta no-show for most tournaments since that historic win several years ago. She also found herself in scandal when she recently started dating Shark Boy Radek Stapenek. However, she dumped the ugly troll recently and might be more focused on her tennis. Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams (30) is in this section of the draw and could face Kvitova in the 3^rd round. Seriously, Venus is capable of getting to the finals. HONESTLY she can do this. However, we are talking about Venus here and relying on her to do good things is like quitting your job and banking on winning the lottery to support yourself. #foolish #uttermadness. Nonetheless, on a personal note, I feel this is my best option right now in life since I am unemployed. So do not count Venus out. Slowe Stephens (18) who has shown a propensity to play well at majors is also in this section of the draw. However, she has Maria Krazilenko in the 1^st round. This might be a tough draw for the American especially since Krazilenko, 2012 quarterfinalist, can really play on this stuff.

This is Venus’s look for this year’s Wimbledon… I am a mehh for this one. Not the best but certainly not the worst

The sisters are playing doubles this year

LiNaLi should make the quarters; emphasis on SHOULD. This section is not loaded as other sections. There are Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16) and Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) lurking about in these parts. Neither player has shown herself to be competent on grass. Albeit that LiNaLi isn’t known for her fine play on grass. However, Danish Biscuit and D’Stove have “somewhat tough” opening round matches. Danish Biscuit plays Shahar Peer and D’Stove plays Yanina Wickmayer.

LiNaLi is trying to create some energy behind her name here at Wimbledon. She has basically flatlined since Melbourne

Can someone tell me why Judy Murray is outside in pjs.

This concludes the ladies’ draw. Now who do you think will emerge as champion and why? Comment below!

I know many of you might not think the Preview’s are Realz’s usual realzness. However, there is a Part III looking at the WTA cocktail event. Be sure to tune in.