2015 Australian Open: Day 1 of Horrors!

Hey y’all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open. I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don’t get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

So the 2015 Australian Open has officially begun! And boy or gurl or lady depending on who you are, was it an explosive first day, particularly on the women’s side. It was as though a cyclone or something ripped through the draw as the top seeds were being scattered left, right and center. These female underlings were gunning for the top seeds and trying to get that 2^nd round money because it is definitely more than the cheque for the 1^st round. Things were so massive that we do not even have time to chit chat, we have to go right to main story! 

Of the 16 seeded players from the bottom half who took to court to play their 1^st round matches, EIGHT of them lost. That’s right, 8/16, half of them, 50% of them were sent packing; dismissed; bid adieu; arrivederci or as they say in Australia, goodbye! It was amazing and shocking to a certain extent and I have seen a lot of tennis. I mean granted that several of them were not really surprises or upsets in my book. However, the sheer magnitude of the fallout was too epic to go unnoticed.

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN’S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

So let’s look at the damage done. The highest seed to fall was Ana Ivanovic (5) aka Ivanovic the Terrible. Now Ana took on Lucie Hradecka (pronounced Herdeskka, I know but it is Czech if I am not mistaken) Anyway, Ana was cruising 6-1 in the 1^st set and I swore she was going to sail through this match. However, we all know how Ivanovic the Terrible be showing up and wrecking Ana’s life and sure enough out came doppelganger. Ana’s ball toss was all over the place for the serve. She was stretching like it was Pilates class out there and Hradecka was enjoying the free points and nice cracks at the silly serves. Hradecka then wrapped up the match 1-6 6-3 6-2! Needless to say that Ana tried to stall things by going up to the chair umpire several times mid-game. She can never lose gracefully #checkyourpressuregurl

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please! Get out of my head!

After Ana was sent home, then came Carebear Kerber (9) who was off kilter from the beginning of the match v Irina-Camelia Begu. Begu was serious about the upset from the very start. She got the early breaks and though Kerber broke back, Begu was undeterred as she took the 1^st set 6-4. Begu got broken early in the 2^nd set and decided smartly I guess to tank the set altogether. She did enough to make Angie work for it and gave away the set at love. However, in the 3^rd set, she unleashed her reserves and Angie was left scrambling at the back of the court. She returned the kindness of the bagel from Angie with a breadstick for the German. Begu bagged the upset win 6-4 0-6 6-1.

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Two other big upsets were Lucie Safarova (16) aka Lady Gollum and Carla Suarez-Navarro (17). Safarova can be a dangerous floater but it seemed that she drew another dangerous floater in the form of Yaroslava Shvedova for a 1st round match. Shevedova came out inspired to score the upset on the 1^st day and succeeded as she dismissed the Czech 6-4 2-6 8-6. Carla was just disappointing all around. She did not even put up much of a fight as some Carina Witthoeft took her out 3-6 1-6. To be honest I am not even going to shed any tears for Carla because I will never forget that Aussie Open 2009 when she took out Granny Vee in the 2^nd round.

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Two veteran players, Svetlana Kuznetsova (27) aka Kuzi-Rex and Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki, got outplayed by two French women, Caroline Garcia and Kristina Mladenovic respectively. Kuzi-Rex was just not in the game at all. She allowed Garcia to take the upperhand in the match from the jump and only broke her in order to save face. Garcia nonetheless got the win 6-4 6-2. Mladenovic had a tougher time against Lose-sicki as she dropped the opening set 4-6. However, after trading breaks early in the 2^nd set, Mladenovic consolidated finally and kept on holding to take the match 4-6 6-4 6-2.

I don’t know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

The final two of the top seeds to get bounced are not really upsets in my book but by virtue of the rankings, they do register as “upsets”. Julia Goerges played a great match from start to finish to take out Belinda Bencic (32) in straight sets 6-2 6-1 and Yanina Wickmayer steadied herself after losing the opening set 4-6 to knock out Anastasia Fattychunkova (23) 4-6 6-3 6-3. And like I said, although we have to call these upsets because of the rankings, it is really not that serious. Bencic and Fattychunkova were not going to do anything anyway.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey (head of the WTA) I don’t lose to scrubs in early round of majors. That’s Serena. Don’t get it twisted!

Well not that we took care of the “big losers” we can talk about the “big winners”. Martha Shriekapova (2) and Simona Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide were both looking rusty as hell in their opening round matches. Neither was in danger of losing the match. However, perhaps if they were playing a more seasoned opponent, things could have been interesting. Nonetheless, they both won their matches in straight sets and through to the 2^nd round. Martha 6-4 6-1 over Petra Martic and Halep 6-3 6-2 over Karin Knapp.

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Genie Bouchard (7) who has to defend her semifinal points from last year, is one step closer as she took out Anna-Lena Friedsam 6-2 6-4. I am not sure she will get back to the semis but she as hell did not lose in the 1^st round so good of her. Another winner is Ekaterina Makarova (10) [I do not even realize she was ranked so high on the charts]. Anyway Makarova took out An-Sophie (I mean seriously that is her name) Mestach 6-2 6-2. Sara Errani (14) dismantled American Grace Min 6-1 6-0 in less than an hour.

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn’t fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life! And congrats on the win!

Other notable winners include 2014 US Open semifinalist Shuai Peng (21) and Pliskova (22) both won in straight sets. Zarina Diyas (31) took out Aga Lite aka Urszula Radwanska in 3 sets. Roberta Vinci beat Bojana Jovanovski in straight sets as Bethanie Mattek-Sands overcame her opponent Ying-Ying Duan in 3 sets. American Christina McFail was near the exit when she had an opportune bout of nausea resulting in a Medical Time Out. Of course she recovered in time to hold serve like a boss against Frenchwoman Stephanie Foretz. McFail got her act together to win the match 12-10 in the final set. Again these ladies resorting to tricks whenever their backs are up against the wall! These trainers should have to give a full report upon each visit to the court and if the illness is not “real and/or possible” the player has to pay a fine. They are getting too ridiculous with these MTOs now.

That was a great read Realz

On the men’s side, things were far more copacetic than it was on the women’s side. In fact, I think there was only 1 major casualty and again if we look at the big picture, it was no real surprise. However, let’s deal with the usual suspects first.

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair .. or at least whatever is left of it

Divadal may try telling the world that he is not a favourite for this Aussie Open title, but like all things coming out of Divadal’s mouth regarding his health and fitness, it is a lie straight from the pit of tennis hell. Divadal (3) came out against Mikhail Youzhny on fire. Youzhny who is no real slouch most of the times, really had no answer against the Spaniard. Divadal was hitting winners from all over the court in the most impossible and improbable positions. The commentators from both ESPN and EuroSport were beside themselves. It was a circle jerk at times how they were fawning over Divadal. They talked about how his shorts were “the shortest ever”, they talked about how they “missed him so much” and even about this look and body. It was too much. Anyway, Divadal is through 6-3 6-2 6-2.

I am back to full force and don’t none of you bitches forget that!

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer (2) again appears on target to extend his 11-year run to the Aussie Open semifinal or better stage. He took out Yen-Hsun Lu in straight sets 6-4 6-2 7-5. Lochness Murray (6) made a meal of his match against Yuki Bhambri but in the end he won in straight sets 6-3 6-4 7-6(3). Berdshite (7) also made life a bit difficult for himself against Alejandro Falla but he still got the job done in 3 sets, 6-3 7-6(1) 6-3. Grigor Dimitrov (10) aka Martha’s Bulgarian handbag had an easy day at the office when he took out German-Jamaican Dusty Brown 6-2 6-3 6-2. The worst part of the matter was that Dusty Brown thought he was going to factor in this match. He at one point appeared as though he was trying to do something of interest on the court. Thankfully Dimitrov got his clutch together and snapped those foolish desires away.

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Other winners included Kevin Anderson (14) who at 6’8” (2.03m) took on an opponent more than a foot beneath him, Diego Schwartzman who is 5’7” (1.7m). Anderson still had to fight for his life as Schwartzman was digging at his heels. Anderson took the match in 4 sets. David Goffin (20) aka the Hobbit also won in 4 sets over American Mike Russell. Most of the top seeds won their matches in straight sets including Philipp Kohlschreiber (22), Ivo Karlovic (23), Richard Gasquet (24), Leonardo Mayer (26) and Martin Klizan (32). Lukas Rosol (28) who at 6’5” (1.96m) had the rare opponent whose face he had to look up to see, Kenny DeScheppers, 6’8” (2.03m). It was a virtual battle of the giants. However, Rosol eked out the win in 5 sets to advance to the 2^nd round. A possible 3^rd round encounter with Divadal looms in the draw if both players can win their next match.

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

There were several matches with winners that should be of some interests to some people. Lukas Lacko, Jurgen Melzer and Viktor Troicki were all winners on Day 1. Melzer came through from qualification showing  some Q3 (final round) heroics on the court. So good of him to come back from the brink of defeat in the qualies  and win a maindraw match to make some 2^nd round money. Troicki who won Sydney this past weekend faced the winner from Auckland, Jiri Vesely. Unfortunately, someone had to go home and it was Vesely in 4 sets. Jeremy Chardy (29) escaped a youthful Borna Coric who seemed to have thought that enthusiasm made up for experience. Coric took the 1^st set but then played the big points poorly for the rest of the match. Chardy thus capitalized on his inexperience to take the match in 4 sets.

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major. He made life very easy for Chardy. Nonetheless, the 18-year is still HOT

Another interesting result is that of Andreas Seppi v Denis Istomin. This first round encounter was their 5^th meeting at a major and in each of the 4 previous matches, they all went the distance. They both won 2 matches a piece. This 5^th match was no different as it again went to a decisive 5^th set. Seppi won it this time around and moved through to the 2^nd round. In other news and more so from the rumour mill, Divadal’s boo, Juan Monaco, Pico, lost to Italian Simone Bollelli. Please note that the rumour is not that Monaco lost but the fact that he is Divadal’s boo.

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic? I thought you said I shouldn’t go after stupid boys

As we are in Australia at the Australian Open, I think it prudent that we note the achievements of the Aussie men because we all know that the Aussie ladies be a mess in Melbourne. Several of the local favourites extended their stay in Melbourne including the hotness that is Sam Groth. So happy he is sticking around some more. Marinko Matosevic and James Duckworth also won and will play in the 2^nd round. Bernard Tomic aka Tampomic was in a bit of trouble against Tobias Kamke of Germany but it seems that Kamke was merely wasting time. He had difficulty holding onto any of the leads that he had and eventually got sweeped aside in 4 sets.

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st “major” seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Now there were two other matches which produced a lot of joy and excitement for the local crowd. Thanasi Kokkinakis and fellow Greek-Aussie Nick Kyrgios aka St. Nicky Kripsy Kringles both won tough 5-set matches. Kokkinakis took out Ernests Gulbis (11). I know Gulbis would not disappoint me by being disappointing in this opening round match. I have no idea why Gulbis lost this match other than to say that it was his entire entire fault. Kokkinaskis took it 5-7 6-0 1-6 7-6(2) 8-6. Krispy Kringles had his own dramatics calling out the trainer to deal with his “back”. He was struggling against Frederico Delbonis (the name sounds familiar but I do not know who he is either). Anyway, Kringles won 7-6(2) 3-6 6-3 6-7 6-3.

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

Anyway, that is enough about the matches! We look forward to Day 2. I hope it is nowhere near as crazy as this first day. That is to say, I hope the Williams Sisters do not lose. They have signed up for doubles and I have no idea why Granny Vee is adding more work to her schedule considering that she has Sjogren but you know I am not even going to touch this right now. Don’t forget that Slowe Stephens v Vickie is slated! Should be a very interesting match to say the least! Anyway fanz enjoy the posting and DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT!!

BIG PICTURE MIXED BAG IS BACK

I am so excited that this is back!!

 #TeamHotties

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Grigor’s stock have gone down as of late especially since he’s playing “house” with Martha but he can still get it.

Andreas Seppi isn’t looking at his best but he cannot get any worst! This Italian sausage is a sure bet on #teamcandefinitelygetit

We are not here for Divadal. He is just giving Fake Fire Ferrer more shine!

Tabasco Verdasco has definitely sen better days but he is still able to make the rounds as a resident hottie in these parts

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

#TeamCutie

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

#TeamNottie

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you’re a grown man

See he could be on #teamhottie

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

I don’t know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she’s definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

Am I wrong?

MIXED BAG PHOTOS

There is nothing I love more than when Tennis Players meet for an event. Here we have the IMG Agency party and so much goodies here for Realz to get it. 

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He’s a nightmare right about now! He has definitely been traded

Look at Heather. I don’t get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain’t cute! And let’s talk about that dress. That’s some avant garde upholstery fabric sewed together with some old pleather jacket and you trying to pass it off as fashion. #Gurlbye

I can’t even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. The clothes are cute but she is not making them work. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better. Meanwhile, I don’t know why the front of the jeans are bunching up like there is extra junk in that compartment. That was not a read, just being realz! #truthdotcom

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can’t get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that. 

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend (cause no way in hell a good friend let this happen) said, gurl let’s go to this party down the block, just put on some shoes and let’s go. So Genie just stuck her nightgown top into this pajama bottom shorts and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. Guess Again! The gurl on the right, Tomlijanovic, killed it!

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a style team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she’s wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. But I can’t even be mad at the kitten heels because everything else is so RIGHT!!Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she’s 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there’s no baby.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don’t need those fake ones anymore that I have at home.

Weather Problem? 

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne or so I thought …

So why are these people wearing this? That’s a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

It’s just a gay ole time in Melbourne 

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Then we have the “Genie Army” but what I don’t get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He’s relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that’s his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don’t think Uncle Toné approves of this message

 

Wimbledon 2014: Day 2

Day 2

So here we are with Day 2 at the 2014 Wimbledon Championships. Nearly all matches were completed and most of the big names got through to the 2^nd round. However, there were some upsets mostly on the women’s side. The men seem to be in it for the money; 1^st round money is very good but 2^nd round money is even better.

Divadal finally made it to the 2nd round of a grass court tournament

Divadal (2) won his 1^st round match … well that is to say that he finally won a match on grass. He took out Martin Klizan 4-6 6-3 6-3 6-3. Interestingly enough they met last year at the French Open in the 2^nd round. The scoreline was the same. Klizan had his chances to do much more but he could not execute on the big points. Divadal does not look so smooth but it does not matter. A win is a win. You don’t win a major in the first week but you sure can lose one. Things are even more interesting because guess who Divadal is playing in the 2^nd round …. None other than Lukas Rosol himself; the man who started Divadal’s troubles on grass back in 2012 when he dismissed him at Wimbledon in the 2^nd round. After that loss, Divadal disappeared from tour claiming “The Knees were acting up.” He returned to the tour in February 2013. Divadal did not lose a single match on hard court all of 2013. Now I am not starting any rumours here, I am just stating facts. Rosol took out French hotness Benoit Paire in his opening round match 6-3 3-6 7-6 6-4. It is very very very very unlikely that Rosol will score another upset but non-fanz of Divadal will be ever hopeful that lightening will strike twice.

SHIT! I thought I was going to get that upset today

Anyway we digress, Baby Ali (14) finished up his match against Meltdown by serving it out at love 6-1 3-6 3-6 6-2 6-4. When rain interrupted play on Monday, Baby Ali was up 5-4 in the 5^th. Also finishing up his match was Sam Querrey aka The Grinch. He knocked out fellow American Bradley Klahn 6-7 6-4 6-1 7-5.

Even though he only played one game today, you know we hardly need an excuse to show Baby Ali

Mr. Federer (4) won his match with relative ease 6-1 6-1 6-3. He took out Italian Paolo Lorenzi. Mr. Federer had 9 aces, 40 winners and 20 errors. However, a lot of those errors came about as a result of poor execution. I can’t deal with a sloppy Federror. He needs to do better. His level of play will suffice for the scrubs and lower tiers of the ATP but when he meets the likes Goonie Gulbis, Divadal et al, it will not hold up at all. Nonetheless we move on: Fellow Swiss player, Stan the Man (5) or “Stanimal” as he being called… for me Wawrinka cannot be a “Stanimal” when he is losing regular tour matches to scrubs on a regular basis. When he has multiple majors and master series title, then he’ll be “Stanimal” for now he is just “Stan the Man” who beat Divadal’s @$$ in the Aussie Open final causing Divadal to claim “bad back.” Anyway, Stan the Man took out hotness Joao Sousa 6-3 6-4 6-3. Stan had 18 aces. That’s some big boy serving.

Mr. Federer

Stan the Man

Other seeded players who won include up and coming contenders Milos Raonic aka Dennis the Menace (8), BFG Isner (9), Kei Nishikori (10), Richard Gasquet (13) who needed 5 sets to get rid of his opponent, James Duckworth 6-7 6-3 3-6 6-0 6-1. Jerzy Janowicz (15) also needed 5 sets to get past Somdev Dewarman 4-6 6-3 6-3 3-6 6-3. FeFe Lopez (19) who must be super exhausted having played two weeks of tennis coming into this tournament. Lopez won three tiebreaker sets to move through to the 2^nd round. Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) won in straight sets as did Beetlejuice (24). Tommy Robredo (22) won his 1^st round match in 4 sets.

I gotta say that one arm bit looks really cool on Dennis the Menace Raonic

Several players of interest also won today including Nick Kyrgios of Australia (a hottie, if you like that thickish of Greek and Malay heritage) and fellow Aussie Llyeton Hewitt. Gilles Muller who took out Andy Roddick in 2005 1^st round also won as did American Jock Sock, Lukas Kubot, quarterfinalist here last year, Jarrko Nieminen and Mikhail Kukushkin. There were several upsets including unseeded Alejandro Falla who did well on the grass leading up to Wimbledon; he lost in straight sets to Ante Pavic of Croatia. Guillermo Garcia-Lopez (28) lost to Dusan Lajovic in 5 sets; Ivo Karlovic (29) lost in straight sets to Franck Dancevic and Dimitri Tursunov (32) lost to Denis Istomin. So that’s about it for the men’s.

BFG Isner will now be known as the Troll

Oh I just want to point you to a story regarding John Isner aka BFG … (See link below) http://trollandgarros.tumblr.com/post/89253044033/isner-puts-his-white-privilege-on-display-says-the  It is a really good read. See I really have an issue with Isner’s comments. First off, I do not know why or how he felt he had the necessary “credentials” to weigh in on this matter. However, I like the fact that the author of this piece served up some “truth tea detox” Second since I am in FULL agreement … well let me know say full but I am with the author on many of his salient points AND also somewhat dismayed by Isner’s ensuing comments when others tried to enlighten him; I am going to change Isner’s name. From henceforth, BFG which means Big Friendly Giant will just still be “Troll” or perhaps “Mountain Troll” I would really like to hear from you on this matter. I do not understand how people can think “Redskins” is okay to be calling a professional football time. I mean I do not even know why the sport is even called “football” but we not even going to touch that one.

BFG is now a Troll

On the women’s side: The Serenanator (1) is looking good. She had a tough opening service game which took her 10 minutes to complete. She later said that she played well but the girl was hitting some good shots. Anyway, the demons did not come out because the Serenanator was all over Ana Tatishivili as she took her out 6-1 6-2. She had 31 winners of which 16 were aces and 13 unforced errors. Those are some healthy numbers; very very healthy and positive. Hopefully she keeps this up because the road ahead is going to be intense and there can be no letting up of the focus and intensity.

The Serenanator is ready to do battle at Wimbledon

Simona Halep (3) who I swear looks like the Koolaid Juice Jug (I know it is wrong but I swear it is what comes to mind every single time) also had a quick affair on the court. She moved through in straight sets as did Bratzwanska (4), Shriekapova (5) who is supposedly looking good 6-1 6-0 but judging by the numbers, 13 winners, 9 errors, 3 aces and 5 double faults, 43% on 2^nd serve, I am going to say “meh.” This is Shriekapova just handling the Lady planktons with her usual ruthless flair. Carebear Kerber (9) took out lil sis Radwanska in straight sets also. Ivanovic The Terrible (11) was almost in trouble against Francesco Schiabone. However, it seemed as though Schiabone had other ideas in mind than winning the big points. Maybe it was the longer hair or the slight attempt to feminize herself that was mucking up her game. Who knows and who cares? Anyway, Ana won in straight sets. 2013 finalist Sabine Losicki (19) also won in straight sets. The German took out Israeli Julia Glushko 6-2 6-1.

I think Shriekapova is going to a picnic or something with that much bags

Other seeded players who came through include Genie Bouchard (13), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16), Kristopher Flipkens (24) last year’s semifinalist, Cornemort (25) and Klara Koukalova (31) who took out American Taylor Townsend in straight sets 7-5 6-2. Other winners of interest are Jie Zheng, Madison Keys who took out another young hopeful Monica Puig in straight sets, Varvane Lepchenko who dismissed Tsetvana Pironkova (Granny Vee thanks you Lepchenko), Heather Watson of England, Belinda Bencic of Switzerland and Camila Giorgi of Italy.

Bye Gurl Pironkova! Bye!

There were several key upsets on the ladies side biggest of which was Fivehand Jungle Witch Jankovic (7) who was dismantled by Kaia Kanepi, quarterfinalist here last year. Kanepi took care of business 6-3 6-2. Fattychunkova (26) lost in 3 sets to American Alison Riske as did fellow Russian Kuzi Rex (28) who lost to Michelle Larcher De Brito. Roberta Vinci (21) and doubles partner Sara ETranni (14) will be concentrating solely on doubles this Wimbledon as they were both booted out of the singles draw in three sets. Vinci lost to Donna Vekic 4-6 6-4 4-6 and ETranni lost to Caroline Garcia 6-2 6-7 5-7. Sorana Cirstea (29) was also sent packing when she lost to American qualifier Victoria Duval 4-6 6-3 1-6. American Christina McHale was also dismissed.

I was this close to winning the match!

Kuzi-Rex what a disappointment!!

Anyway, that’s all folks … Day 3 action will feature Lochness Monster, Djoker, Granny Vee, GHW Kvitova, Tampomic, Maria’s hangbag Dimitrov, Bratzwanska, Berdshite and many others… So PLEASE check us out. DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT even if just about the pictures…

So Bartoli showed up on Centre Court and she was all teary eye … I too got all teary eye watching this hideous outfit unfold (White and off white lace combination and the necklace #icant)

Now I don’t want to hate but really gurl? Really? Those shoes? I think they are to hide her infamous cankles but still

Even Lisicki is like WTF?? Gurl what happened? Those shoes honey are just You look…you look… you look so plentiful. Eating well in retirement I see”  Meanwhile, what is that stain on the bottom of that “dress” ? Actually, I don’t wanna know

Joao Sousa from Portugal

Martin Klizan, you might be a loser in the 1st round but you’re a winner in our hearts here at Realz… and we have a “special prize” for you

You lost on the tennis court today Daniela but you’re definitely winning in fashion court

Veteran hottie around these parts is looking a bit weathered but he can still get it

We don’t even know his name and we’re not even trying to find out either….What we need to know is where he’s staying

Lisicki looking cute as ever … we’re gonna ignore the snaggletooth

Beetlejuice… gurl.. this is definitely not cute even by your standards

Beetlejuice got himself cornrows … Definitely has not improved his look but to be honest, it doesn’t hurt it either

Of course you we gotta talk about Carlo

Francisco is trying to give us femme realness

I’ve fallen….

And I can’t get up

Gurl, why you acting like a heifer eating the grass? We don’t behave like that at Wimbledon

Don’t you wish you had a sexy coach like me

Tiann, I think Danish Biscuit is saying hello to you …. and she’s being a bit insensitive about the matter

Hewitt is going all out to stay in the game

Mrs. Hewitt keeping tabs on her “investment” This mofo better not get injured again

Is Patrick M going to sing an aria?

He is channeling some soprano realness here

Cornemort had a nose bleed on court … blood magic I say … blood magic!!

Now we have discussed “Gayneisa” here before; where “straight” guys blame their homosexual tendencies on liquor. “I got really wasted with the guys again and then one thing (my pants) lead to another (their pants) and then another (the undies) and next thing you know, his penis was in my mouth and mine was in his. I don’t know why that keep happening. I sobered up and was like Broooo we are never doing this again”

Gaynesia is not to be confused with just being “gay” BIG DIFFERENCE

This is gaynesia. See the different? Good

 Now we have a new Realz term for you: “Gaylusion” this is where straight women cannot seem to see they’re a fag hag. I mean look at this scene. Holla if you believe there is a straight couple in the midst wearing a yellow shirt .. those two girls to the side in those short shorts may have just realized that this just might not be where they need to be at “Gurl, I don’t think any of these guys are our types. Really? Why you say that? Gurl look at the front row, it’s a men’s chorale up in here. Look at that soprano in the green shorts! We need to go.” Lady in the red cap, she definitely knows the dealio. Girls, these boys are strictly dickly! 

Meanwhile, YESSS I finally won a match on grass

Now check out my pocketbook. Isn’t it just FABULOUS

Simona Halep

The Koolaide Jug … enough said

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 2

Really? You really cannot be that hot if you are wearing scuba gear outside. It must be your brain that is on fire

Well folks thus far we are definitely on track with the postings so I am indeed excited about this fact. However, I have to share a bit of misfortune for me. Now, everyone that knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with tennis. I am obsessed with tennis, opera and the Olympics…..yeah and also going to the gym (Only Goldilocks is checking for bears!) I always make it a point to mention my passion for the game of tennis as well as the fact that I have a blog. I always shamelessly try to get RealzTenisFanz out there as much as possible. So imagine my surprise when I am talking to a co-worker recently about the fact that I love tennis. She expressed her genuine shock at the fact that I love tennis for she is friends with a member of Djoker Harlequeen camp. She use to be a former supermodel working with the likes of Claudia Schiffer etc….She was big though not huge in the supermodel sense. She is a good-looking woman and her model shots are AMAZING but I digress. It gets better people… She added “You should have told me because he is always offering me tickets to the US Open! You should have told me because I would have given you the tickets! He is always offering me but I never go”

To say I was flabbergasted is not even the word. WTF? WTFF? WTMFFF?? Is she mad? Is she INSANO! How could she not know? I mean seriously, HOW?? I had to walk away because Satan was whispering evil violent things in my ears and I was ever so inclined to obey. I could not deal because for me, this was no excuse. I could not believe I was so close to being in the players’ box to wear my RealzTenisFanz T-shirt, be on TV, get publicity for this prestigious publication and be famous. I could have even been the lucky charm that Djoker Harlequeen needed to deal with Divadal on that day of the finals. And I missed all of that because of her ignorance. Can you believe the madness of the world? UTTER MADNESS! Needless to say, she was on my shit list all day long. However, come 2014, you know Realz is cashing in on this hook up!!!

Anyway, let us get to Aussie Open action. Wait, I forgot…well I was not that I forgot but it seems as though I missed this news altogether. My former model friend informed me of this. Djoker Harlequeen hired Boris Becker as his coach! Oh my berries, things are getting serious. I mean I figured that things would have to change up with Djoker as for the past 2 years, he has missed some key opportunities in at majors namely, French 2012/2013, Wimbledon 2013, US Open 2012/2013. I mean he has been a mess in big tournaments. However, I always felt that it was his faults not a coaching failure but what do I know. So he takes on a famous former big name player in his coaching corner. Marian Vajda will be taking a backseat and travel with Djoker to limited tournament. Apparently, he was influential in picking Becker as his replacement. Meanwhile, Mr. Federer hired Stefan Edberg to be in his box. We all know that Lochness Monster Murray has Ivan Lendl to help with matters. While all these former glories are trying to light up the paths for current players, Divadal has tired ole cheating Toni Nadal who I do not even think was a professional player himself but yet is kicking all these asses royally. “Isn’t this ironic?” (Alanis Morissette) There is a saying I like saying that I believe that I have coined myself; A good Mathematician isn’t necessarily a good Math teacher.”

Yeah I do not know how effective I can be but I know I would see my name more often in the papers. (Boris Becker, Djoker’s new coach 6 majors)

Mr. Federer and his new coach Stefan Edberg (6 majors)

Lochness Monster and Ivan Lendl (8 majors)

Divadal and Uncle Toni (0 majors) Just beat those bitches with their major titles

Let’s get to the results:

So the day was HOT! It was SCORCHING!! Melbourne was on fire. It was approaching near record temperatures on the grounds. I think this girl below does a way better job of expressing the heat conditions than I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8lXYWXJfHQ

Anyway, Vickie (2) was not having it at all. She looked lethargic, bothered and bloated. I do not know if it is just me but she looks out of shape. However, she is getting the job done when needs be. She took out her opponent in straight sets though it was far from a routine victory 7-6 6-2.

I cannot deal with this heat

On the other hand, Caroline Wozniacki (10) aka Danish Biscuit, wasted no time on court as she ousted her opponent 6-0 6-2. Simone Halep (11) also trashed her opponent 6-0 6-1. Dominika Cibulkova (20) took out former French Open winner Francesca Schiavone in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Francesco has been hitting tough times lately and might soon be playing qualies to be getting into tournaments. Maria Shriekapova playing the last match of the day took out Bethanie Mattek-Sands in straight sets though it was a messy affair 6-3 6-4.

Danish Biscuit was baking

Other straight sets winners include Slaone Stephens (13), Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic (8), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) over American Vania King, Anastasia Fattychunkova (29) and Bojana Jovanovski (33). Bratzwanska (5) made it through in 3 sets as did American Varvara Lepchenko. She will join fellow American Christina McHale in the 2^nd round.

Was Sloane endorsed by Bic Higlighters or the Las Vegas strip? She is just bright even for her own eyes!!

There were no major upsets though some seeded players fell by the way. Kuzi Rex (19) lost in straight sets to Ukrainian Elena Svitolina 3-6 3-6, Sorana Cirstea (21) also lost in straights as Kaia Kanepi (24) got bounced in 3 sets.

Interesting ladies match up for Day 3 Sam Stosur (17) v Tsevtana Pironkova (night session), Sabine Lisicki (15) v Monica Niculescu. Be prepared for pending upsets here. The Serenanator and LiNaLi will also take the court. It is suppose to be another scorching day tomorrow so be prepared for retirements, medical timeouts and possible fainting.

Keeping it chill!

On the Men’s side, Mr. Federer opened his campaign for a 5^th Aussie Open title. Maybe it was the heat but I am not liking for Mr. Federer is looking these days. I know Mr. Federer is 32 and that he is not the Mr. Federer of 2005-2009. However, Mr. Federer is playing erratic/senile tennis. Those balls are landing very short in the court. At times there were flashes of brilliance but other times it was just banality of the highest order. Maybe I am being far too harsh as this is my main how. The thing is it that Mr. Federer is struggling against players of no mettle, merit or might. James Duckworth was giving Mr. Federer a run for his money. The Aussie was playing rather well within himself and it was mere luck and happenstance why he did not manage to pickpocket a set from the Swiss. At the very key moments of the match, Duckworth started to play Fuckworth tennis and Mr. Federer just seized his chance. It was not pretty but it passed and Mr. Federer is through to the 2^nd round 6-4 6-4 6-2.

I got through the day!! Mr. Federer what’s with the pants pattern? They fit nicely though

 Mr. Federer is sitting all hung packing his balls in more than his bag. No wonder Mirka is pregnant again. Fed be laying it down

In other news, Duckworth was not the only Aussie man to be sent packing as this major is near douche free when Hewitt and Tomic were ousted in the 1^st round. I could not be more ecstatic. Tampomic retired after the 1^st set against Divadal (1) with a “groin injury” I want to say something nasty about this matter but it is far too vile even for Realz to repeat. It does not matter to Divadal, he is through to the 2^nd round and on his way to his 2^nd Aussie Open title.

Yeah I am feeling more douchey than usual. Of course I am going to retire, why waste my time out here. I can be home in time to watch Maria’s match.

However, this was not the best result, Rusty Hewitt lost his match in 5 sets. You know how he loves the heroics and to be screaming Come ONs all over the place. He clashed up against Andreas Seppi (24) my sweet sweet Italian sausage and dropped the first 2 sets 6-7 3-6. It is at this moment when Hewitt often shines and he did not disappoint taking the next two sets 7-5 7-5 and he did so at the latter stages of those sets as both times, Seppi failed to hold serve to go to a tiebreaker. So in 5^th set, Seppi returned the favour by breaking Hewitt in the 12^th game to take the set and the match. G’day Mate!!! Yes.

Baby Ali is looking ruff and tuff with his Afro puff

Baby Ali (10) went through in straight sets as did Lochness Monster (4) Feliciano FeFe Lopez (26) and Monfils aka Beetlejuice (25). Del Potro Beast Boy (5) won in 4 sets. This is why Del Potro finds difficulty winning another major. He is in the early stages of matches, monkeying around and wasting energy. Why is he in a 4 set battle against Rhyne Williams? Who is Rhyne Williams? Other 4 set winners include Fernando Tabasco Verdasco (31), Milos Raonic (11) and Grigor Dimitrov (22) who is now working with Roger Rasheed former coach of Monfils. I am excited by this news. I hope Grigor produces better results this year. He has a lot of potential. Kei Nishikori (16) is another one of those players who is not efficient at majors. He won a 5 set battle to move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, Gilles Simon (18) beat my boo Danny Brands 16-14 in the 5^th set to move through to the next round. Young Americans Donald Young and Jock Sock also move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, fellow American John Isner had to retire after 2 sets with an aggravated ankle injury.

Nice to see Donald Young winning a major match

Radek Stepanek aka Shark Boy retired in the 4^th set after winning the first 2. I guess he is protecting his body as he has doubles to play. He is the defending US Open doubles champ. Smart man about the money.

Interesting matchups tomorrow for the men.. Sam Querry v Ernst Gulbis and Nikolay Davydenko v Richard Gasquet (9). I looked at the schedule and saw that Matthew Ebden (Aus) will play 28^th seed Vasek Pospisil (Can) is in the 2^nd match for the night session at the Rod Laver Arena. Ebden is currently ranked 67 in the world. Are they fcuking kidding me? What kinda a bullshit is this? This is like the warmup act closing the show and the main event came on only for sound check. Australian Open better check their nationalism madness at the door. Not even at the US Open will I see a Jock Sock or Donald Young night match UNLESS they are playing one of the big boys! Ain’t nobody have time for this.

Hope you enjoy!!! AND SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT REALZ TENIS FANZ!!

PICTURE SHOW: Treasure Chests!!

Divadal is giving that camera man in the back some action

Berdych showing us his pecs

Alejandro Gonzalez of Colombia getting in on the action

Kei Nishikori

Fognini

Oh Fogging Fognini

Boo can I do that for you??

But tennis players have nothing on these guys..

Cullen Jones… I want to be a water droplet right now

Ryan Reynolds…Blade Trinity… that’s all I got to say…

 

French Open 2013: Day 10

Due to circumstances beyond Realz’s control, ie his main man Mr. Federer got dismantled, Realz is unable to provide his usual in-depth/snarky/hateriffic analysis of Day 10’s action. Realz sincerely apologizes for this but you must understand, his main man and him are linked psychically. Realz was just getting over the Rome fiasco and now Paris happened. Hopefully Realz is in a better place tomorrow to offer Day 11 coverage.

The Serenanator served for her life in the 3rd set and was able to prevail against Kuzi-Rex

Kuzi-Rex was trying to come for the Serenanator but she for put back in the Ice Age

Though much hated, Errani was all smiles yesterday as she returns to the French Open semis for the 2nd consecutive year

I know, WTF were you thinking colouring your hair blond. Seems like some of the dye seeped into your brain.

Fiery Ferrer is into another French Open semis and will face the unlikely opponent in Baby Ali Tsonga

Now you know something is definitely wrong when this sight don’t even make me happy

Au revoir Monsieur Federer. Je suis si triste! You will return to claim another French Open title

French Open 2013: Jour 8

So on Day 8, we have our first set of Round of 16 match ups and many of them provided the stuff that makes the majors must see events on the tennis calendars.

It is a packed house to watch tennis at Roland Garros today!

On the ladies side, Kuzi-Rex has found herself in another quarterfinal at the French Open. This has to be her favourite major especially since she won her 2^nd major here in 2009. The unseeded Kuzi-Rex faced Carebear Kerber, the 8^th seed. Kuzi took the first set but Kerber showing why she is a top ranked player took the 2^nd. However, Kuzi-Rex came back roaring to take the final set and the match 6-3. Kuzi-Rex 6-4 4-6 6-3. Kuzi-Rex has shown that she is ready to get back into the top tier of the tennis world earlier this year but injury put a hold on that comeback at the Aussie Open. However, it seems that she is ready to do that again this major event. This win set up a repeat of 2009 French Open quarterfinal matchup between Kuzi and the Serenanator.

Kuzi we have spoken about this outside. It’s hideous and most unflattering. Throw it back into the ocean where it looks like it came from

The Serenanator won comfortably today over Roberta Vinci (15) 6-1 6-3. However, you might not know that by looking at the match. The Serenanator was just walking on hot coals throughout the match. Vinci has nothing that could hurt the Serenanator but she kept on shouting at herself as though she were playing Justine Henin. It was like she was close to self-destructing and was trying to self-repair but it was not working. Hopefully this is a hiccup that will not raise its ugly head for the rest of the tournament because last time in 2009, the Serenanator was up a break in the 3^rd set and lost to Kuzi-Rex in the quarters. It would be tough for her to lose another critical match at this stage of the tournament. She has worked so hard to get herself at this stage of her career. The critics are not giving the Serenanator her true praise because every time they have claimed she lacked certain “qualities” in her game, she have risen to the occasion and done so in tremendous fashion. To be honest, the Serenanator is not my favourite player but she is the one I think I have the utmost respect for along with Monica Seles.

Mama Orcene: Come on ReRe let’s not get crazy out here. BigBigSis: Lord Jesus deliver Serena from her demons and deliver to me some sweet buttermilk pancakes, lots of bacon and syrup

Anyway in the other ladies’ matches for the day, Errani (5) vs Lady Hobbit (20) (Suarez-Navarro) and Bratzwanska (4) vs Ivanovic The Terrible (14). Errani has been very strong this tournament thus far and looks like she means business about getting back to the final of the French Open draw. However, Lady Hobbit looked like she meant to stop this from happening but eventually she got crushed by the crafty Italian 5-7 6-4 6-3.

Oh Carlo…what are we going to do with you?

In the next match up Ivanovic the Terrible v Bratzwanska, I have to say that I expected much more from Ana though I was not betting on it. I thought that she finally got herself together at a place where she has had success. The crowd would definitely be rooting for her but yet again, Ana disappoints. I am not sure what is really going on in her life but she is supposed to be much better than this 2-6 4-6 scoreline from the hands of Bratzwanska. However, it is usually Bratzwanska’s plan to allow her opponents to beat themselves on the court by giving them a lot of junk. Aga is a lot more strategic on court than Ana but I mean seriously, Ana cannot make a match of this type of situation? I would have been more pleased if she had lost in 3 sets. I have said once before, I think it is time that we stop depending on Ana. She is done. I doubt whichever crazy place she has sent her career, it is unlikely that she would go back there to get it. I say she retires from the tour in 2-3 years’ time.

She is back in the badlands of tennis

Anyway, to the men: David Ferrer wasted absolutely no time in dismantling the South African, Kevin Anderson. I barely had time to get the sleep out of my eyes when the match was all over and Robredo and Almagro were taking to the court. Ferrer is looking absolutely great on clay but truth be told, Ferrer always looks this good in the 1^st week of a major. His trouble is that he meets Divadal, Mr. Federer or Djoker and then it is a wrap for him. He usually stands a good chance against Lochness Monster. He is into yet another quarterfinals at Roland Garros and since he is seeded 4^th because of the absence of Lochness Monster, he stands a very good chance of getting to the semi-finals.

Fiery Ferrer sweeping through the draw

Baby Ali Tsonga is looking to keep his country’s hope alive of winning a major. The last time a Frenchman won a major was 30 years ago in 1983 when Yannick Noah won the French by beating defending champions Mats Wilander. Tsonga’s 4^th round opponent was Viktor Troicki of Serbia. Troicki put on a decent enough show but in the end he was unable to handle the Frenchman and so was bounced in straight sets 3-6 3-6 3-6.

Baby Ali is through to the quarters

It is interesting that these two aforementioned matches were the routine affairs and not the other two for Mr. Federer and Tommy Robredo provided some much needed energy to the French Open on Day 9. Robredo the 32^nd seed as I mentioned before is on comeback tour. He had lost his way but seemingly found it again. Coming into this match against his countryman Nicolas Almagro, Robredo had already played two 5 set matches, having won them both after being down 2 sets to love. That is a lot of time on court. And yet again, Robredo found himself in an all too familiar position at the French Open, being down 2 sets to love but this time to a very formidable opponent.

Almagro was on it early in the match. All pumped up

Nonetheless, it seems as though Robredo thrives on adversity and loves to punch his way out of corners because he won back from the deficit and took the match in 5. Rarely has a player won 3 5 set matches in the world of professional tennis. I think the last time it was done was perhaps in the 1920/1930’s. This is most alarming for Almagro fans because losing a match like this is very familiar to the Spaniard. Earlier this year I believe at the Australian Open, he was up 2 sets to love on Ferrer but yet lost the plot and got sent home. Almagro is too of a player to be losing these types of matches. I know his fans were most displeased with this sorta affair because it hurts and it hurts badly. Funny thing is that a lot of critics always pick Almagro as the dark horse at majors. However, I think they are now going to have to qualify their definition of the word because this dark horse is getting driven out of the stables. Robredo 6-7 3-6 6-4 6-4 6-4

WTF I am going to lose another one of these matches

Things got really emotional for Robredo out on court

In the other matchup, Mr. Federer found himself against Gilles Simon who has presented him with troubling shots in the past but in their most previous meeting (Rome 2013), Mr. Federer handily dispatched of the Frenchman. In this most recent meeting, it looked as though Mr. Federer was going to pick up right where he left off as he baked up a fresh breadstick for Simon. In the 2^nd set, things were languishing on the court and then Mr. Federer took a tumble and then things began to get disastrous for the Swiss maestro. It almost seemed like the rolled his ankle but he refused to get the trainer. Mr. Federer can be stubborn at times like that.

Simon’s chicken legs were definitely helping him cross the road against Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer fell and almost could not get up

He was broken in that game and Simon went on to win the set 6-4. Things did not improve in the 3^rd set as Mr. Federer lost that one 2-6. Tennis world was all a twitter and tweeting, could Mr. Federer lose before the quarterfinal round in a major. It has been years, perhaps since 2004 that Mr. Federer lost before then. The crowd was beside itself not sure who to cheer, their own countryman or Mr. Federer, the most international of all players. I know pour moi, I was going stir crazy. Mr. Federer was not going to lose to no chicken leg man at a major even with a busted ankle. Not on my watch and Mr. Federer got things going in the 4^th set as he decided that he was going to take this match to 5 sets and win it all. Mr. Federer cleaned up his game and got his life together. He comfortable took the next two sets 6-2 6-3 though he had trouble closing out the match on his service game.

Mr. Federer had to fight to get back into the match

Au revoir Simon

Ooooo that was easy

Hey, why you trying to grab my dick?

Nonetheless, he is through to his 36^th consecutive major quarterfinal, a record unsurpassed by anyone. Mr. Federer 6-1 4-6 2-6 6-2 6-3. He will play Tsonga in the quarterfinals which will be a tough tough match for the Swiss especially as he will be playing Tsonga who will definitely have the crowd with him. Mr. Federer and Tsonga have meet at the quarterfinal stage of all majors now and I will not soon forget that maddening 2011 matchup in Wimbledon when Mr. Federer lost to Tsonga after being up 2 sets to love. Mr. Federer will be leery of Tsonga and know that he intends to spoil his near improbable dream of winning a 2^nd French Open title.

So tomorrow on Day 9, we will have the end of all 4^th round matches and begin the business end of the major: Quarterfinals through to the Finals. Things are going to be fever pitch come this weekend!

 

French Open 2013: Jour 2

On Day 2 of action at the French Open, no real huge upset took place amongst the ladies in contention.
6th seed LiNaLi took out Spanish Anabel Medina-Garrigues in straight sets 6-3 6-4. The Spaniard could have been a tough customer as she took a bagel set off the Serenanator several weeks ago in Madrid. However, clearly that was due to a drop in form from the American more so than the Spaniard being that good.

Trying to find her 2011 French Open form again is LiNaLi

4th seed Bratzwanska will join her sister in the 2nd round as she quite quickly destroyed Shahar Peer of Israel with 2 breadsticks 6-1 6-1. Peer has most definitely lost her way in this sport of tennis and it would do well for her to find her form again and find it real soon. Meanwhile, Bratzwanska, no stranger to fashion faux-pas decided that blondes have more fun and coloured her hair. I do not know what inspired this change but I wish she will soon be inspired to change it back. It is not a cute look. Accept that you are not the prettier sister and just work on your game.

It was definitely a dumb move to be blond Bratzwanska

10th seed Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit aka Mrs. Mcilroy came into the French Open riding high on a 6 match losing streak. She has not won a single match all clay court season. By right, she can take the retirement from Andreas Petkovic in Charleston as a win though no actual point was played. Petkovic pulled out before the start of the match. Nonetheless she has not been her usual self as of late and to add more fuel to the fire, she has finally decided yet again to part ways with daddy Piotr as coach. Let us see how long this will last. However, in the immediacy, she finally won a match. So there might be hope for her after all. Anyway, Woz was playing a very dangerous player in the form of Laura Robson of Great Britain. However, Danish Biscuit had something to prove and she simply crushed Robson 6-3 6-2. No place like the present at a major to find your form and win matches.

Considering a lot of the nonsense Danish Biscuit has worn throughout the ages, it is really tough for me to say that this outfit is the ugliest. Why is Stella still designing??

Gosh to be sucking more than Danish Biscuit must really sucks!

2nd seed Shriekapova was her usual early-in-a-major-dominant-self, surrendering only 3 games to her opponent. We are never worried about Shriekapova getting to the 2nd week of a major. The issue is always her ability to come up with an effective game plan against a quality opponent whilst in the latter rounds. Nonetheless, for now, she will move on comfortably. Other notable players through to the 2nd round are 15th seed Roberta Vinci, 8th seed Carebear Kerber who dispatched her compatriot Moaning Mona Barthel, 2010 French Open winner Francesco Schiabone, 20th seed Carlo Suarez-Navarro, Serbian Bojana Jovanovski (I heart her) and Kuzi-Rex knocked out the 22nd seed and fellow Russian Makarova. This does not really count as an upset since Kuzi is the far more talented of the two and 2009 French Open champ.

Thanks for coming gurl. The exit is left and you can pick up the loser cheque on your way out!

17th seed Sloane Stephens is also through to the 2nd round and will be joined fellow Americans 29th seed Varvarne Lepchenko, Vania King (Saw Clown) Melanie Oudin (yes that Melanie), Bethanie Mattek-Sands and Madison Keys. Christina McHale lost to some girl I do not even know. She was the only American playing that did not go through today. Pretty impressive from the American girls. The lone upset on the ladies side had to come from Julia Georges, the 24th seed. She got bounced in straight sets 6-7 0-6 by a qualifier, Zuzana Kucova. I do not know what to say about Georges. Others will say it is physical injuries hampering her game but I would say, it is more likely brain damage. She is just another case of those young guns on tour just shooting blanks.

Sloane is being more tight lipped these days after her verbal diarrhea attack against the Serenanator

Divadal almost got pegged in the 1st round

Things were far more interesting on the men’s side today than on the ladies. I have to say that so far after 2 days of play at the French, I have enjoyed quite a number of matches far more so than usual. Anyway, I digress. Divadal found himself facing a possible 2 set to love deficit at the hands of my baby Daniel Brands of Germany. Brands is not a particularly super talented player. However, he can be quite spectacular if he plays his game and did he ever today. That forehand of his was absolutely SEXY and he was beating Divadal for pace and down the line with that shot. Brands took the 1st set 6-4 and was up 3-1 in the 2nd set tiebreaker. However, he got a bit ahead of himself and Divadal finally decided to hit the panic/escape button in this nightmare of a match he was having. He wrested control of the match, snatching the tiebreaker then breaking Brands at the beginning of both 3rd and 4th sets to claim victory and begin his walk home to his 8th French Open crown. Lord Clay Divadal 4-6 7-6 6-4 6-3.

You’re so beautiful Daniel! I know but we’re not a match

Wildcard entrant Gael Monfils upset Tomas Berdych 5th seed in 5 sets. I mean seriously this is not really an upset of sorts but Monfils is coming off a long layoff from the game. However, he was really magnificent against the Czech. Monfils aka Beetlejuice in these parts has been known to be a regular wild card on the court. He was an impressive junior (almost won the grand slam of junior titles but injury finished him off at the US Open). Beetlejuice has been one of the few junior players as of late to transition from boys to men quite seamlessly. The issue with him though is that he always seemed to be about theatrics and actual tactic on the court. However, some time ago at the Australian Open if I am not mistaken when he was injured and played against Mikhail Kukushkin, Beetle showed a level of maturity I thought I would never see from him. He fought so bravely in that match and despite losing it, he gave it his all. He impressed me on that day and today, he went even further. It was a quality match between the two with some spectacular shots and wonderful plays.

Beetlejuice showing heart. However, we have no idea WTF he’s wearing. I don’t know if it is an ugly sweater or a hideous shirt. But for once we can say, his hair is looking really nice!! BTW, you got dropped by NewBalance? Really? Things were that bad out there in the wilderness of injury?

Nonetheless, Berdych acted as though Monfils owed him the match and refused to seize the money. He got ahead of himself and got broken in the 5th set to have Monfils serve out the match. Monfils served extremely well, being broken once. I know the French are all ecstatic with win because no one energizes them like Monfils. But the French need to be checked because Monfils is not winning this thing. It was a good/excellent win but let us not get crazy now. He just beat Berdych okay and to be quite frank, knowing Berdshite like I do, he can lose to anyone like that; not to take anything away from the Frenchman. Monfils 7-6 6-4 6-7 6-7 7-5

H&M is your endorsement deal? WTF is going on in the world today? Is this a sign of the harsh economic times. You are working with European K-Mart. The ATP should have some kinda quality control about these kinda things.

6th seed Tsonga won his match quite easily as did his countryman Richard Gasquet (7). They went through to the 2nd round as did Julian Benneteau (30) who looked to have lost the plot at one point after being up 2 sets to love and 5-1 I think in the 3rd but he got it together late in the 4th set, taking it in the breaker. Jarko Nieminen of Finland halted the French wave by knocking out Paul-Henri Mathieu in 5 sets. 11th seed Nicolas Almagro won his match in 4 sets (This Spaniard might need an intervention soon because I think he is hanging out with Tabasco Verdasco too much as of late). Ernest Gulbis also won and will face Monfils in the 2nd round. Up and coming Jerszy Janowicz (21) also won as did Lukas Rosol (last man to beat Divadal at a major). Other winners include 32nd seed Tommy Robredo (on the comeback tour) and 27th seed Fabio Fognini (that hot Italian sausage). Marin Chin Cilic (10) and Kei Nishikori (13) will be in the 2nd round as will John Isner aka BFG and fellow American Ryan Harrison.

Is Tsonga also working as a ball boy at these championships?

By way of upsets we have Juan Monaco, the 17th seed who cannot seem to get his tennis life together much these days. Mr. Divadal Ex was up 2 sets to love but then decided that winning the match might not be what he wanted to do right that instance. I guess as his opponent was Spaniard, Daniel Gimeno-Traver, he was having some kinda of Divadal flashback because he clearly checked out. Spanish boys seem to be his kryptonite. Juanito boo, get your shite together! It is over between you and Divadal. You knew that he was not going to commit to you and shave his beard. It hurts but let that go and move on. Let me tell you, the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else. And my name is Someone Else okay! I can deal with leftovers if you are what is being microwaved. I’m just saying okay.

Daniel Gimeno-Traver got Monaco’s head all wrapped up. I mean he is not an ugly guy, albeit better looking than Divadal but there are certainly hotter Spanish men out there.

In other news, an Aussie youngster Nick Kyrgios took out Shark Boy Radek Stepanek in straight sets all in tiebreaker. Now that is remarkable from the 18-year-old especially against a veteran solid player like Stepanek. American Rhyne Williams lost in the 3rd and final stage of qualifying to get into the main draw of the French Open. However, due to a late withdrawal, he was entered as a “Lucky Loser” into the draw. Funny thing was that he was not so lucky as he would be facing the same guy who beat in the qualies and he would lose to him again. I am sorry Rhyne but the upside is that you still get a decent cheque for losing in the 1st round of main draw but get jack shite for losing in the qualies at any stage.

Djoker vs Goffin

Anyway, that is about it for major happenings on Day 2 at the French Open. Day 3 will see the conclusion of all the 1st round matches. Djoker Harlequeen (1) will begin his assault for claiming his 1st French Open title as does Vickie. Both may have tough customers on their hands by way of David Goffin of Belgium (almost stretched Mr. Federer to the limit last year at the French) and the Russian Elena Vesnina (knocked Venus out of 1st round of Wimbledon). However, I am not worried about either player. Petra Kvitova aka GHW (Grand High Witch) that enigma of anomalies will also play. No one is entirely sure which Petra will show up on court tomorrow, not even Petra. So watch out for that match against Rezai, there might be an upset there. The only comfort Petra can have is that Rezai is capable of playing worse even when her opponent is clearly struggling. Sam D’Stove Stosur (9), 2010 French Open finalist will also open her campaign tomorrow as do Delicious Dimitrov, Stan Wawrinka (9) who is battling injury, Tabasco Verdasco, Fatoli Bartoli (13) and Tommy Haas (12). I do not see much of an upset happening tomorrow though I do think that Nicolas Mahut will beat Douchsarevic in 4-5 sets. Also one has to wonder about the rains in Paris as we have had two lovely days of play so far.

REALZ MIXED BAG PHOTOS

The Hotties

Jerzy Hotness in full effect

Ah mon Cher Brandy. Poetry in Motion

Petzschner is definitely trending in my mind right

Oh Robin Haase…the hot flying Dutchman. I’ll set sail with you any day…

Fognini got me seeing all cloudy right now and I am close to precipitating all over the place. Way too much condensation for one man!

The Notties

Beetlejuice was playing so beautiful yesterday that I forgot how unpretty he is. But then I saw this and it’s All coming back to me now!

Melanie Oudin what’s going on gurl? You are dressed like a butternut squash while looking like a cabbage patch doll!

The Feminine Mystique? Someone get this girl some ribbons or something quick. I mean seriously, why does Carlo look like this? Though I have to say that the colour looks really nice on her.

Kuzi-Rex WTF is this shite? I would have said it was impossible before but you are wearing a nursery rhyme.

I saw this picture of Kuzi-Rex at Elena Dementieva’s wedding and I had to share it. I do not even know where to begin but Kuzi is really giving Big Gurl Butch/Fem Queen Realness all in one! The SHOES! The DRESS! The HAIR! SMH

Other Realz Shots

I think hers is bigger than yours Divadal

Carebear Kerber is so pumped up and so is her —-!!!

French Open 2012: Round of 16 Update Days 8 and 9

In an effort to get our lives together and up to date, there will not be a full edition posting for the Round of 16 results. Very unfortunate I know.

You got peaches and creamed out here!

World no.1 Vickie Azarenka decided to hire Amelie Mauresmo to prepare for the French Open. I do not know who told her that this was a bright idea. I do not know if she wanted a tour guide or a translator or something because it was not the ideal of partnership. Anyway, Vickie lost in the Round of 16 and would inevitably lose her number 1 ranking. Dominika Cilbulkova was just on fire from the beginning of the match and rightfully took the match 6-2 7-6. Cilbukova has twice been in the winning position against Vickie and both matches as recent as Miami this year. However, she held her own and got her life right on the big stage here at Roland Garros. In an interview, she all but said that she was not afraid of the Vickie serve. Vickie, I told you that that shite would not get it done out here. And the competition at Wimbledon is only going to get tougher!

Finally I did it when it really counted!

American Slaone Stephens did not fair well against D’Stove. She served for the 1st set but failed to close it out only to have the Aussie come back roaring. The Aussie found herself unable to close out the match on her own serve but broke the American to move into another quarterfinals at Roland Garros. She is a dangerous floater. 7-5 6-4!

Easy workout! Now I can relax and watch some L word on tv as well as check out what’s on sale at Home Depot!

Sara Errani with her massive cranium is playing smart tennis!

Kuzi_Rex was a complete let down. Absolutely abysmal in her play but then again she is Russian. She lost to Italian Sara Errani 6-0 7-5! Words cannot describe how I felt about this result at all. Anyway, congrats to the Italian for moving into another quarterfinals in a major. She will play Angelique Kerber who took out Croat Petra Matic 6-3 7-5!

I became extinct out on court!

Carebear Kerber! Does this colour make me look like a girl?

She flopped like a chicken wing!

LiNaLi should be punished severely. I am all for corporal punishment…at the very least, someone should go all Bruce Lee on her @$$. She just has these complete meltdown on court and throws away matches. I do not know why you could not have suffered such fates at the 2008 Olympics and the 2009 Australian Open when you played Ebony Starr. Just digusting. She was up against Shevedova 6-3 and then only won 2 more games for the rest of the match. 3-6 6-2 6-0. Congrats to Shevedova but LiNaLi I will never root for you again.

The Chinese wall crumbles and I take over

World No. 4 GHW silently overcame her opponent Varvara Lepchenko 6-2 6-1 ending the American dream run at the French. Incidentally, Lepchenko sealed an Olympic spot as she just moved ahead of Stephens.

Winning can be an ugly and unfashionable business!

Kaia Kanepi representing Sesame Street

Kaia Kanepi followed up her upset of the Danish Biscuit by moving passed Arantxa Rus 6-1 4-6 6-0 and is definitely showing excellent form in that latter stages of this tournament. Let’s see if she hold on to this form because I believe she can beat Shriekapova who got by a tougher showing than expected from Klara Zakapalova 6-4 6-7 6-2! However, Kanepi will face shots with more pace though she will be able to tee off some very easy serves and free points from the Russian’s double faults.

Itch you point that finger out one more time for my shots, I am going to get all Serenanantor on you in a minute! Don’t fcuk with me out here!

On the men’s side. The top half made a mess of their draw but the usual suspect came through in the end.

Can’t stop me now!

D’Joker struggled past Seppi though I will admit that he never for a moment looked panicky on court. He looked as fresh as a daisy as he walked on by 4-6 6-7 6-3 7-5 6-3! There goes my theory about his fitness level being in question. Maybe, he really is saving himself for this tournament because he wants this one badly and so does Divadal, Mr. Federer and Lochness Monster.

Thanks for the workout and the free feel you nice Italian beefcake. You gonna let me have a sip of your Seppi later on?

Yeah go jog! You need the exercise more than I do.

It took Baby Ali two days to get past Fatanka and for a while I did not think he was going to get the job done. He was up two sets 6-4 7-6 but allowed the Swiss to get back into the match and take the next two 3-6 3-6. Leading 4-2 before the called the end of play for the day, Baby Ali was broken early resumption of play. However, I do not know whether Fatanka got too cute for school but the frigger was feeling himself a lil bit too much. Perhaps he thought he was Mr. Federer but he became playing silly shots and lost the match 4-6 in the 5th set. Now, word to the French, you all should not put so much pressure on the athletes. It can be a bit too much playing in front of your home country, family, friends and the president of the Federation. I mean relax a bit. Baby Ali only has to play D’Juggernaut for a place in the semis. That is pressure enough.

See back at the locker room!

Big boys do cry!

Meanwhile, Mr. Federer was just all over the place against the Hobbit who I swear gives me the willies. He looks a lil stalkerish. Talking about how he got Mr. Federer’s poster up on his wall in his bedroom. Ewwww Ewww. We do not share such things in public. He was even wearing Mr. Federer’s shoes and for a while, it looked like he was Mr. Federer as the real one was off shopping in his mind or something. He has dropped a set in his last three matches. However, he did enough to get the job done 5-7 7-5 6-2 6-4

Watch your back Mr. Federer! Single white male up in here! I like his hair… looks so fresh and clean.

Beast Boy vs Lurch promised to be a really exciting match up and in the beginning it was. They were very even stevens though Lurch had many break points opportunities, which he failed to convert. In the end, Beast Boy took the 1st set 7-6. Then he began complaining about his knee though he was whacking away at it in frustration with his racquet. No bueno senor! Anyway, Lurch took the 2nd set 6-1 and he began playing birdshite out there. I mean it is remarkable just how talented the Czech is but yet fails to be more success on tour. The match was suspended after Beast Boy won the 3rd set 6-3 and next day, the Argentine was still roaring with a 4-2 lead. However, though birdshite got things back on serve again, he got the willies and lost the match 5-7 in the 4th set.

The Big Bird is through to another French Open quarterfinals!

Fiery Ferrer was just blazing with his hot self

Three Spanish men are left in the draw Divadal, Nicolas Almagro and Fiery Ferrer and they remain the only players left in the draw who has not dropped a set. Fiery Ferrer just burnt up his countryman Crunch Granola 6-3 6-2 6-0 where as Almagro, though wearing yellow was not afraid of the black clad Sexsarevic 6-4 6-4 6-4. However, Almagro will face Divadal yet again in the quarters of the French. Divadal just @$$ fcuked Baby Jesus on court without any lube 6-2 6-0 6-0. It was utterly embarrassing if you ask me. The press would be all over this if this were women’s tennis. Anyway, Divadal could not have asked for a better present than having his boytoy for his Round of 16 opponent. Juan Monaco, if you continue to play these types of matches against top player, I would have to reconsider seriously any prospects of there being a future for you and I. I do not mingle with punks or OPP (other people’s property) Taking Divadal’s sloppy seconds is one thing I can deal with but us dating and you are still his itch! No, I will not have the Spanish diva holding that one over my head. I do not care if you lose but just do so with effort. If you ask me, it was a definite tank out there and you should be fined for lack of effort.

Haappy Birthday to me! And I send out 2 Love and Love to my Juanny M

It was like Easter all over again. He got crucified only this time, he did not rise again!

And this red sea for parted!

Gasquet vs Lochness Monster promised to be an epic match but I know the French and I do not trust the French in sports to say the least. Several years ago, Gasquet had a 2 set and a break lead over the Scot at Wimbledon, only to relinquish it. So when he won the 1st set 6-1 and looked like he was the better player, I knew not to get my hopes up. He was 4-4 in the 2nd set when the Frenchman saw it fit to lose the next 7 games in a row. He only won three more games for the match. Lochness Monster comes through 1-6 6-4 6-1 6-2! It is times like this that I really appreciate Baby Ali because though he might not be the most talented Frenchman out there, he will continue to be the most successful because of his mental fortitude and knowing that you always bring your A game to the big matches and NEVER EVER be afraid of the Big 4!

Gotcha! Think you were going to walk all over me! I’m a motherfcuking monster!!!

So on Day 10 the match ups are on the ladies: Cilbuttkova vs D’Stove and Sara Errani (aka Alien vs Predator head) taking on Carebear Kerber. I see Kerber moving on but a tough match up between Cibuttkova and D’Stove. If Dominika plays her game, she wins but D’Stove is a very dangerous opponent and she is now becoming a regular feature in the latter parts of majors. She was suppose to win in 2010 so perhaps she is coming to claim what was suppose to be hers ages ago.

On the men’s side. D’Joker Harlequeen vs Baby Ali: D’Joker without a doubt and its Mr. Federer vs Beast Boy. Mr. Federer has beaten the Argentine like 4-5 times this year already. However, Mr. Federer is looking as sloppy as Andy Roddick so I would not be surprise if there is an upset here! This will clearly be the match up of the day!

Beast Boy vs Mr. Federer in a major part trois. (I might be wrong about this)

So we are on schedule back again! Look out later on for a special posting from a guest contributor about the extracurricular of the one and only Serenanator!

French Open 2012: Le 6 Day

Well I got up early on Friday morning to watch tennis as per the norm and I was very richly rewarded for my effort. First up was Sloane Stephens who had equaled her best major effort by getting to the 3^rd round. She faced France’s Mathilde Johansson and Stephens was all over the ball and hitting the lines. Her point-construction was very impressive in its precision and clarity. Stephens, despite the crowd rooting for their home girl, kept it together and won 6-3 6-2! She failed to win the sets on her serve so she needs to be mindful not to get tight near the finish line.

I’m always a sucker for dimples

Next up was the world number 3, Bratzwanska vs Ruzi-Rex. Interestingly enough, Kuzi-Rex though ranked near the 30’s, the former Roland Garros champ (2009), has a very good record against the Pole. The Russian won their last 5 encounters. And boy could you see why. There was utter disdain from Kuzi-Rex as she just dispatched Bratzwanska as if the rankings were reversed. Bratzwanska had nothing to hurt Boynetsova. It was quick and precise 6-1 6-2. It was the most impressive I have seen Boynetsova play in a very very long time. I did not think she had this sorta form in her anymore. Would be interesting to see how she plays the rest of the tournament. She is in the Round of 16 of the French yet again.

I thought dinosaurs were extinct. It’s my party and I cry if I want to. I cry if I want to (By the way you may too much money to be buying hair dye from the pharmacy. Go to a professional)

The other match I watch before I hurried off to work was the Sara Errani vs Ana the Terrible match. Ana has been playing very well thus far in the tournament and for a set and a half, she looked to be heading to another Round of 16 at Roland Garros. The 2008 champ was up 6-1 4-2! Homegurl has a deadly forehand, it is the envy of every single woman on tour. However, what they do not envy is her bird brains. Ana just started gifting Errani point after point. It was almost a joke. I would not have believed if I was not watching the match. I mean easy points that my dead grandmother (RIP) would win, Ana found a way to lose spectacularly. For her fanz and countrymen, it was a sad day. She lost the match 6-1 5-7 3-6 and Errani moves into the Round of 16.

The enigma that is Ana the Terrible!

Shriekapova who was not able to play her 2^nd round match because of the Mathieu-Isner marathon match, made light work of Ayumi Morita of Japan. She allowed her opponent 1 winner as she romped her 6-1 6-1! Maria is looking the sharpest of all the ladies. However, she has not faced a quality opponent BUT she is not allowing these “nobodies” any belief that an upset is even probable much more even possible. She is absolutely the best at this. She rarely loses to players outside of her league. Nothing but your pristine best will beat her. It is one of the things I admire mostly about the Russian. I gave her a lot of flak but I have to give credit where it is due. Maria competes like a champion!

I come to bury my opponents! (The best I have seen Maria in ages)

Anyway in other news, Vickie again was struggling in her match against the Canadian Wozniak but she pulled through. She will face Cibulkova is can be a tough cookie for her. Petra Martic followed up her upset of Bartoli with an easy win over Medina-Garrigues. Other winners who can dangerous are D’Stove and Carebear Kerber. I know I had originally said that the establishment was going to impose itself on the game but it seems that the other ladies have something else to say about this matter.

Kuzi-Rex kills the pain!

On the men’s draw, Baby Ali kept his cool and took out Fabio Fognini in straight sets. He remains France’s only real chance of winning a major of any kind as of late. The 5^th seed has come into this tournament relatively quiet but can be a threat as he is in D’Joker’s side of the draw. However, though he has a winning record against the Serb, he has yet to beat him in a major tournament if I am not mistaken. Meanwhile, Mr. Federer continues to send in his doppelganger on court. I do not think I have ever seen a more lackluster, unfocused Mr. Federer in a tournament. It is almost like he has no desire to win or even play anymore. I mean it is disheartening watch. He totally just gave Mahut a set and making the whole effort look like work. If he gets to the semifinal and/or the final, Lord knows it would be a massacre. He does not capable of winning anything right about now. I hope this some sort of secret plan of his but unfortunately, the only thing I am seeing is a plan of failure! Anyway, Mr. Federer can still get by on a C effort, so I should not panic just yet.

What’s going on in the head of Mr. Federer? The envy of Divadal!

D’Joker had a much more easy time but he too looked off. I have been speaking about his lack of attack on court and seemingly like to make his life more complicated. However, he is another top player who can come on court with a C game and still get the job done. Beast Boy came through a somewhat tough match against Marin Chin Cilic who is a very talented player but yet finds difficulty sustaining high level of play. Lurch also had a tough match and had to go into a 5^th set against the South African Kevin Anderson. Lurch came through in the end and will play Beast Boy in the 4^th round. There were 3 other 5 set matches on court including the completion of a 2^nd round match. Crunchy Granola of Spain put an end to Tunisian Malek Jaziri’s dream run taking him out 7-5 in the 5^th set.  And speaking of dream runs, Lucky Loser David Goffin aka The Hobbit is through to the 4^th round of a major. He is a lucky winner indeed but faces Mr. Federer for a spot in the quarterfinals. This might be the end of his dream. Anyway, in the other matches, Andreas Seppi is finding great form this year as he moves into the round of 16 with a 5 set win over Tabasco Verdasco (I think it is time Verdasco stop doing whatever extracurricular activities he has been up to and stay focus on tennis. He is much too talented to be circling the drains of below 20 ranking.) Anywho, Seppi moves on and will face D’Juggernaut. All in all in the first 6 days, it has been a good tournament. There has been a lot shite tennis from top players but from the other end, we are seeing spectacular high quality tennis all around.

So London is really the place to be this summer isn’t it? Can I have three to go?

Hotties

Fognini is steaming up the room

Double take!

Can I have a sip of this Seppi?

Pint-sized prettiness Cilbukova!

Dominika Cibulkova

Notties

Definitely not a diet! Wozniak Cookie Monster’s lil sister

Kuzi-Rex in coochie-cutters showing off her camel toe and the girlish clips in her hair giving me Fem-butch realness! Love it!

Chances of getting picked up hanging with these two trolls! Never!

We don’t do pink out here on the ATP

Intimate moments on tour!

I am in room number 234. Knock twice and then whistle.

WTF? We’re DL not out here on court!! Not in front of the beard Jelena!

Sneaking a peep at Lochness Monster’s tail!

2012 French Open: Le 4eme Jour

Day 4:
Well after the shocker of the Serenanator going out for the 1st time in the 1st round of a major, the conditions seems brewing for another upset. Vickie started things off. In her 1st round match, she was 2 games away from losing the whole shebang. However, in her 2nd round match, she sent a clear message that she is still a force to be reckoned with at this event. She dropped two games against her German opponent and looked very much like a favourite again to win this title 6-1 6-1.

Thanks for the warm up gurl!

2010 finalist D’Stove Stosur dispatched of the American Irina Falconi 6-1 6-4 and I have to say that perhaps she might be making a charge for her second major title. The mere idea of this couple of years ago would be laughable. As a matter of fact, to have said this out loud might have resulted in you being asked quietly to stop talking fart as you were polluting the environment. Now come 2012, Sam Stosur is looking for her 2nd major title. Anyway, Falconi was not the only American loser on Day 4: Melanie Oudin was dismissed by Sara Errani 6-2 6-3, Alexa Glatch lost to Penne Pasta Pennetta 3-6 1-6, Sailor Moon Vania King lost to Cibuttkova 0-6 2-6 and Bethanie Mattek-Sands as Americans who lost their 2nd round match. Now, there is another American worth talking about but we are not ready to discuss her issues as yet. Anyway, Mattek-Sands lost to another American, Sloane Stephens 1-6 1-6. Stephens is having a wonderful tournament and made the semi-finals of Strasbourg last week. So she had definitely hit a nice win streak. The Americans ladies, in particular the non Williams Sisters have a made it an excellent tournament for the USA. As per the norm, the men are nowhere to be found. Ten of them moved into the 2nd round but how many of them will survive. As you can see on Day 4 Sloane Stephens is the only one that will move on.

Sailor Moon

Other winners include Svetlana Kuznetsova aka Boynetsova aka Kuzi-Rex. The Russian, 26^th seed, is a two time major winner and won this title in 2009. She will join her countrywoman Nadia Fatrova. Now you know I had a lot to say about the Venus Williams match vs Bratzwanska. However, I am just going to stay the facts and not editorialize anything. The Crackhead lost 1-6 3-6! Absolutely zero effort from the American. I swear she is using this disease as an excuse to play poorly. She let down her fanz tremendously especially the young ones. What we are seeing on court is a very lackadaisical attitude and trying to pass off her “illness” as excuse. No Ebony Starr you are up to your old crackish ways. Your 1^st serve percentage is disgusting. Bratzwanska was breaking you at will. And what’s worst, when you were down 3-5 15-40 and a chance to be on serve since 0-0, you squandered the two break points.

Thanks for the warm up girl!

This is not the Ebony Starr that I had admire at all. I was appalled by your level of play. I am done. I will congratulate you on your wins but no more unflagging support. I had learnt my lesson ages ago but I felt sympathy for you with your illness and everything. However, you are taking tricks and make it luck. I am not mad because you lose. I am mad because you did not try to win. You let Bratzwanska walk all over you like she is the 7 time major champion. Anyhow, I am done with you. Moving on! By the way, your dress ain’t that cute it looks hand/homemade and the weave is horrible as always. I swear I see Usain Bolt all over them tracks. Yes I am calling you out. You annoy me. Get your shite together before you come hang with me again. You could not even soldier on for the Serenanator! Not feeling you at all.

Just get out of here if you cannot get your act together

To the menz, less upsets there for sure.

American Brian Baker who has been out with injuries for ages now, made a statement that he is back on tour and ready to save American men’s tennis. Well he did not quite succeed but he made a very valiant effort. He took on Gilles “Chicken Legs” Simon of France in the main Philippe Chatrier stadium and climbed out of a 0-2 set deficit and to take the match to a 5^th set. However, the 11^th seeded Frenchman simply laid down the hammer as he bageled the American. It was a good match and hopefully Baker builds on this. I actually remember seeing him play in 2005 when he took your Gaston Gaudio (2004 French Open winner) in the 1^st round of the US Open. I was a lil disappointed because I was going through a major Gaston Gaudio crush. I was so close…oh so close… Don’t judge me but I digress.

Brian Baker looking like Tru Blood on court

D’Joker Harlequeen started off his match pretty well but faltered as things went on. He won in straight sets over Blaz Kavcic who did the world a favour by taking out Hewitt in the 1^st round. However, he was no match for the world’s number one losing 0-6 4-6 4-6. Now, as of late, I have noticed that D’Joker is not able to sustain his stamina or his level of play. He is always quick to be ahead and dominate but the in the later stages of the match, he begins to wither. Mind you, his level of withering is far from average as he can still win matches that way. However, consider all his significant wins of later, he has lost more games in the 2^nd half of the match if he won the match and when he has lost the match, he won fewer games. This might not be an issue now. However, this middle season is going to be very grueling especially with the Olympics. D’Joker Harlequeen best stop skylarking on court and get his life right because Divadal does not like the bitch seat on your motorcycle ride to tennis greatness. He has played second fiddle to Mr. Federer who is fast encroaching on his space for No 2. Divadal is ready to make a charge and nothing like an easy French Open title to make all feel right in his world.

D’Joker Harlequeen might get a touch of the vapours as the tournament goes on

Anywho speaking of Mr. Federer… this frigging fool… Now I hardly get mad at the Swiss Miss but his level of play through two rounds has been mediocre at best. He is just phoning it in at his point. Very lackadaisical on shots with little insight into what he is supposed to be doing out there. Against some Romanian qualifier who took out Nalbandian, Ungur won the 3^rd set after Mr. Federer had 2 or 3 match points. WTF? Who is this doppelgänger on court? Anyway, Mr. Federer came through 6-3 6-2 6-7 6-3. With each successive round I am beginning to fear that he might not even make to the semifinals because if the likes of Ungur can win a set off him, what will happen when he faces a Berychite Lurch or Beast Boy Del Potro.

I wasn’t worried. I have everything under control. What’s that ahead? An iceberg?

And speaking of those two, they moved into the 3^rd round quite easily: Lurch took out Llodra aka King Louis of France in 3 sets and Del Potro French wildcard if I am not mistaken, Roger-Vasselin in 4 sets. Meanwhile, Tabasco Verdasco looked a lil no sauce in the 1^st set losing 6-7 to Gilles Muller (Who can ever forget Muller when he took away Mr. Brooklyn Decker’s mojo in the 1^st round of the 2005 US Open). Stanislav Wawrinka (18) now dubbed Fatanka is also through to the 3^rd as are Marin Chin Cilic (21) who took out the 2003 French Open champ JC Ferrero and Kevin Anderson (31) of the South Africa.

HOTTIES

I hunger for Ungar

Call me! Call me…the moment you get there

You coming? Definitely coming for you:-)

Cibulkova aka Cibuttkova

Mathilde Johansson. We can overlook whatever’s going on with the hairline and appreciate your beauty

NOTTIES

She just never look clean to me. Always a hot mess

OH NO! No No No! This is all wrong. Who allowed this to be published?

Accessories made all the world of difference. No headband from ugly pretty

To pretty ugly

I shouldn’t have that other piece of baguette for breakfast….

So I told him look all he wants, I got my treasure chest is tight and airtight sealed

 

Australian Open 2012: Day 6

Well Day 6 at the Aussie Open promised to be crazy exciting but in the end it was sorta a letdown though there were several gems to be treasured. On the ladies GHW was not messing around when she faced Maria Kirilenko of Russia. I guess there was less of a distraction for her across the net as Kiri is gifted in the looks department heavily so than her last opponent Lady Hobbit. Anyway, GHW unleashed her powers and was quickly at 6-0 but Kiri claimed injury and retired after losing the first game of the 2^nd set. Kvitova is through to 4^th round. She is picking up energy and confidence for this tournament.

Thanks for the warm up!!

Next up was Sara Errani of Italy vs Sorana Cirstea of Romania. It was an excellent first set and both ladies battled it out. The first set was literally decided by a couple of points as Cirstea took it in a tie-breaker 7-6. However, she claimed injury after when it became clear that the Italian was not going to be denied a chance for her first 4^th round draw at a major. Cirstea tried to stick around but she got dismissed 0-6 2-6. Errani is through to the next round.

Look at the size of that cranium. It is like Alien v Predator had a baby girl.

Is this a 2008 Aussie Open Shriekapova we are seeing??

Shriekapova and the Serenanator seem on a collision course in the quarters as they both easily dispatched of their opponents. Shriekapova took out the German Angelique Kerber (30^th seed) 6-1 6-2. Kerber you might remember made it to the 2011 US Open semifinals where she lost to eventual champion Sam D’stove Stosur. The Serenanator took out Greta Arn of Hugnary 6-1 6-1. Though I cannot recall the specific head to head between the Russian and the American, it goes without saying that the Serenanator owns Shriekapova. Everyone will remember the 2004 Wimbledon finals where the young upstart took out two time reigning champion and perhaps less so that later that year at the WTA Year Ending Championships, the Russian again beat the American. However, since 2004, Maria has yet to record a win over the American and many of her losses have been no contest including meeting last year in California. The Serenanator treated her with utter disdain. However, the Russian seemed to have put her injuries behind her and apparently in fine form. So it might be a tough match but she has to get past a hard hitting, big serving Sabine Lisicki of Germany where as the Serenanator get past Ekaterina Makarova of Russia.

The Serenanator is on and seeking to destroy!

So Lisicki and Makarova are through to the 4^th round by virtue of “upsets” or another Chernobyl Disaster by their Russian opponents. Lisicki played Kuzi-Rex in the 3^rd round and Kuzi-Rex took the first set 6-2 and was up a break in the 2^nd. I was all ready to say, oh Kuzi Rex is back in fine form and perhaps might be dangerous at this tournament. However, no sooner did I think that than the Russian simply collapsed handing Lisicki belief of winning the tournament.  Kuzi-Rex was up 6-2 4-3, serving to go up 5-3. However, she only won two more games for the rest of the match as she lost 6-2 4-6 2-6. See this is why I cannot deal with Kuzi-Rex. She is a two time major winner and half the time she acts as if she just came on the tour. She looks like a bloody dinosaur but for all that mean and grit in her face, she is as scary as a frigging teddy bear.

This dinosaur is playing like a relic

Absolute waste of time and speaking of that, her country woman Vera ZvonaZERO was no better on court. Against her country woman Makarova who has no real great tour success but of course she faced Vera and she knew she had a chance. Vera came out looking shape racing to a 3-0 lead then lost the next four games, won the next 2 and lost the next 2. She fought to get into the tie break. She just collapsed after that, losing the set and won ONE solitary game in the 2^nd set. 7-6 6-1 Makarova. You know without a doubt, Vera was bawling on court and on her way out. Someone should tape her tear ducts shut. Interestingly enough. ZvonaZero and Kuzi-Rex have teamed up to play doubles at these championships. I guess they are getting ready for the Olympics. Let’s see how well they do here.

Makarova of Russia

The other two matches played, Sailor Moon vs. Ivanovic the Terrible and Jie Zheng vs. La Petite Grosse were not so much remarkable as they were impressive. Ivanovic is showing signs of glory as she made it through to the 4^th round in a major, something that has been rather elusive for her in recent years. (She did make it to the 4^th round of the US Open last year but was knocked out by the Serenanator.) Anyway she took out Sailor Moon (Vania King) in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Up next is Kvitova aka GHW. That’s a tall order because Kvitova is looking to demolish this field.

You might this is Fatoli excited about a point. However it's just here doing one of her on court ballet routine.

In the other match it was Jie Zheng who is no bigger than your thumb (Maybe I should call her Thumbelina or Pixie) Anyway, she came out and was kicking like Jet Li against Fatoli Bartoli. Loads of people had Bartoli as a dark horse pick. LOL I think they had too much over the Christmas break because Bartoli will not win a major barring some unforeseen incident. She is not as consistent and hungry like the other girls….wait I take that back because she is always eating. However, she does not have the depth of play as the top ladies, so I do not factor her in at any major though she has made 2 semis and a final. Her game is too discombobulated and she exerts too much energy on court. No one is afraid of her and few take her seriously. Once her opponent sees the chance to make it big in a major and she is the roadblock, they will be all over her. Nonetheless, I really thought that she would have given Zheng some sorta fight and perhaps proved herself to be superior player. However, Zheng a 2010 semifinalist was not having any of that at all. She played a wonderful match. She was on Fatroli from the jump and the Frenchwoman never had a chance to do anything. Zheng was the better player and she never let up on her advantage. Zheng won 6-3 6-3 and is through to another 4^th round of a major.

On the men’s draw, things were fairly routine for the most part.

Mahut showed up for a marathon but quickly realized that it was a sprint!

D’Juggernaut continues to look very very impressive as he obliterated the Frenchman Nicolas Mahut. Mahut you would remember from the 2010 Wimbledon who played that epic match against BFG 70-68 in the 5^th set. Anyway, against the Serb, it was a 100 metres sprint…wait scratch that, it was a 60-yard dash and he was left in the dust 6-0 6-1 6-1. Mahut claimed injury but I think the only thing that was hurting was both his pride and game. Baby Ali is also playing well as he took out the Portuguese Frederico Gil 6-2 6-2 6-2. Lochness Monster also had an easy time against his French opponent, Michael Llodra who went out 6-4 6-2 6-0, the Scotsman. So many of the top players are playing very very well. It is a love fest all over the tour as people are getting blitz. Even in doubles, the 2^nd seed team of Lisa Raymond and Liezel Huber took out their 1^st round opponent 6-0 6-0.

Lochness Monster is quietly going through the draw

Anyway, we are not here to talk about the ladies doubles event. David Fiery Ferrer is also through to the 4th round. 2011 semifinalist looked a bit out of sorts when he played Juan Ignacio Chela aka Chin Chela. Chin Chela barking at his heels but eventually the Spaniard showed himself to be the superior athlete, 7-5 6-2 6-1.Richard Gasquet (17th seed) took on Janko Tipsarevic (9th seed) and to be honest, I expected an epic match of sorts. Both are immensely talented, though the Frenchman is a shade better. However, in the actual match, Gasquet just blitzed the Serb. Perhaps Tipsarevic was having a bad day but he was totally out of it throughout as Richard took the match 6-3 6-3 6-1. Dennis the Menace aka Milos Raonic of Canada played Dingo Dog Hewitt and I knew that Dennis just would not have had the stamina to squeak out this win plus the Aussie crowd has been rather vicious this year and were strongly behind their man. Raonic managed to win the first set 6-4 but eventually Dingo Dog proved too dogged for the Canadian and he lost in 4 sets 4-6 6-3 7-6 6-3 Hewitt. Hewitt received a wild card to get into these championships if I am not mistaken and he is not wasting this invitation. He is in the 4th round but will be face the onslaught of the D’Juggernaut. Kei Nishikori of Japan took care of Julian Benneteau of France in 4 sets 4-6 7-6 7-6 6-3. This was a match of determination and will and the Japanese proved to be the stronger in the end.

Nishikori

The final men’s match to speak of and for me the match of the tournament and perhaps one for the ages, is Gael Monfils of French vs Mikhail Kukushkin of Kazakhstan. This was an epic match. Beetlejuice came out and won the first 2 games followed by  Kukushkin reeling off 8 straight games. 6-2 2-0. Beetle decided that he was going to call trainer complaining of back pain and he was moving like an ugly old man on court. For those who know tennis, they know Monfils is all about his speed. However, in yesterday’s match, he looked all but ready for the wheelchair. He was hobbling, walking gingerly to shots and at times, just giving up.

Beetlejuice looked like he was all dried up

Kukushkin raced to a 5-1 lead in the 2nd. However, here is where things got very very interesting. I for one will admit that I thought it unwise for BJ to continue. I mean it was obvious he could not move and Kukushkin was just pouncing all over the balls. However a strange thing happened Kushi went to serve for the set;  he began to choke and he was CHOKING big time. It was like watching a hanging. Kushi could not create his own pace at all and Beetlejuice just pushed the ball back and allowed Kushi to make the errors. Then it was now 5-5 all. However, Kushi pulled out the 2nd set 7-5 and enjoyed a 2-0 set lead. Beetlejuice refused to retire and began the 3rd set. BJ had taken back medication and I guess as the effects of the meds worn on, he regained some mobility and he took the 3rd set 7-5 and just dominated the 4th 6-1.

The fighting spirit of this demon was tremendous

We were even for the 5th. Monfils braved on and I will have to say that he earned my respect. Usually his on court antics always bugged the shite out of me. However, yesterday he was just absolutely on point, playing well within himself and conserving energy. He played valiantly and I dare say this, Beetlejuice earned my respect. He lost the match though 4-6 in the 5th, double faulting on match point. Kushi was hitting like a girl and I am sure he will lose in the next round but he will make more money there than in the 3rd round.

Kushi through to his first 4th round appearance at a major

So that’s a wrap up of the 6th day. Hope you enjoyed!!

Today’s Hotties are HOTT…BRULE, MUY CALIENTE!!

WUUURRRQQQ!!! (I have some issues with the lower half of the dress..actually with the whole thing really. Sorta looks like a dish towel. However, you are wurqing it. This was a homemade number wasn't it??)

Fiery Ferrer (words have failed me right now!)

For those who like men who like dogs, here is something for you. Not my thing...though I am all for licking

This is just too hot. This has to be considered soft core porn. I wonder what lies between. Hmmm

Hey you!! Not you daddy but your son next to you.

Why thank you for the resfreshment.... I sure could use this. So hot around here.

Clearly we are in the notties section right now

I don't know who performed this bit of "My Fair Lady" magic and turned Kuzi- Rex (seen directly above) into a lady but I do think they deserve a Nobel Prize.

Chin Chela is possessed by the demons of non-beauty

It isn't just in Paris that its all gay

Sweetie you know that's your gurlfriend and not your boyfriend right?? Just checking

Mahut. This isn't sexy....it's sleezy and damn near creepy too. Get away!!

What do you mean we cannot do that here? Checking her whowho on court is a perfectly legitimate reason for an injury time out? Stop the hating Rosie!!

Monsters always turn out to be freaks. Commendable effort but there are somethings that should never be done alone!