2015 Australian Open: Menz Preview

So here we are at the Australian Open 2015, January 19-February 1! I feel like we always start out each new major posting with the same tired line. However, really and truly I am not sure how else to begin! I mean we all know why we are here and what we are about. So why complicate matters? Wait, I could have started out by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR to my old fanz and the new fanz we hope to get this coming year! I am hoping that 2015 bring RealzTenisFanz into more homes, screens, mobile devices and tennis fans’ consciousness. We are not seeking legitimacy here because RealzTenisFanz is and has always been a “prestigious publication”. RealzTenisFanz is however seeking more recognition, more publicity because let us be real about the matter, RealzTenisFanz does not really have much us an audience! We are going to change that for 2015. We are also going to change the fact that FANZ NEED TO COMMENT BELOW!

COMMENT BELOW

In case you are new to RealzTenisFanz and I hope that many of you are new, we keep it realz and controversial in these parts. We do not hold back and we have no/nil/nilch/zero fcuks and/or cares to give! You will love it here because we allow everyone to have a say (PLEASE COMMENT BELOW) and also even if you are a casual fan of tennis or know nothing at all about the sport, RealzTenisFanz has something for you! So stick around and again Happy New Year to all my peeps and haters too! Trust and believe, Realz got nothing but admiration for my haters who can stay so bitter and keep on giving me shine! Bless your evil hearts!

Anyway, let us not digress too much! We are here for another year of tennis courtesy the many players on both the ATP and WTA! We all have ones we love (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), those we hate (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), some we pretend do not exist (Fake Fire Ferrer, St. Nick Krispy Kringle, Berdshite, Ernests Gulbis, Lordlize Cornemort, Garbine Muguruza, Tsvetana Pironkova) and those we do not even know exist (Michael Berrer, Zarina Diyas, Pablo Cuevas, Santiago Gulbis). Nonetheless, Realz is here to make all this simple and easy. Realz take away all the fluff, pomp and circumstances of “traditional and/or mainstream sports media” and give it to you straight, stiff and strong … Who am I kidding, ain’t nothing straight in these parts unless we mean “Spaghetti Straight”; it is straight until you cook it.

Enough grandstanding, so we are at the Australian Open in Melbourne and we have to do the traditional bit of “Picks of the Tournaments”! However, I often find this all very boring, dull and merely a lot of hot air talk mixed with bullshit analysis. I am not one to favour picking a winner because as you all know, Realz subscribes to the maxim, “The game is won and lost on the field not on paper!” Nonetheless, we can do some talking about the draw and checking out how things are stacked and who might get where or who might get nowhere or even who just not anywhere at all. Of course, we will have the obligatory photos to shade and shadow the players!

So let us begin with the MENZ (Do note that the WOMENZ’s breakdown will be issued in a separate post. The next post after this in fact!)

As have been the case as of late, I break the draw down into halves, then quarters and then further still into eighths. I find this way easier to deal and manage. I also wish I can come up with a cool graphic to display it all but Realz ain’t got money for all that so it will be down the good ole fashioned bootleg way! That is to say, it will be mostly words.

BELOW IS THE BREAKDOWN OF THE TOP 32 SEEDS!

2015 Australian Open Top Menz Seeds
Top Half	Bottom Half
1. Novak Djokovic (Djoker Harlequeen)	2. Roger Federer (Mr. Federer/Mr. Federror)
4. Stan Wawrinka (Stanley)	3. Rafael Nadal (Divadal)
5. Kei Nishikori (Horsikori)	6. Andy Murray (Lochness Monster)
8. Milos Raonic (Dennis the Menace)	7. Tomas Berdych (Berdshite)
9. David Ferrer (Fake Fire Ferrer)	10. Grigor Dimitrov (Maria’s Bulgarian handbag)
12. Feliciano Lopez (FeFe Lopez)	11. Ernests Gulbis (Nothing has stick yet)
13. Roberto Bautista-Agut (Not Worthy)	14. Kevin Anderson (Not Worthy)
16. Fabio Fognini (Pignini)	15. Tommy Robredo (Not Worthy)
17. Gael Monfils (Beetlejuice)	20. David Goffin (Hobbit)
18. Gilles Simon (Chicken Legs/Drumsticks)	22. Philipp Kohlschreiber (Nothing has stick yet)
19. John Isner (Big Friend Giant Mountain Troll)	23. Ivo Karlovic (Nothing has stick yet)
21. Alexandr Dolgopolov (BWLLAGWLLAB)	24. Richard Gasquet (Nothing has stick yet)
25. Julien Benneteau (Julie B)	26. Leonardo Mayer (Mulling over a name for him)
27. Pablo Cuevas (Have no idea who he is)	28. Lukas Rosol (Ended Divadal’s 2012 life)
30. Santiago Giraldo (Who he?)	29. Jeremy Chardy (Not Worthy)
31. Fernando Verdasco (Tabasco Verdasco)	32. Martin Klizan (Not Worthy)

*Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person! 
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

So let us begin:

Djoker (1) v Stanley (4) Top Half

Bae, why does your face feel like it got attacked by a meat tenderizer?

Djoker (1) v Raonic (8) Quarter

You all know I am here to pick up my 5th Aussie Open title

Djoker’s Section Eighth: The 4-time Aussie Open Champion, Djoker, opens his bid for a 5^th title with a qualifier. He has no one of real quality until a possible 3^rd round showing against Tabasco Verdasco (31) a previous semifinalist here if I am not mistaken. However, if we are going to be serious here, Tabasco Verdasco has long since failed to be a hot consistent player on tour unless we are talking body hot and even there he is lacking as of late. Truth be told, he is playing more like mayonnaise than hot sauce these days. I am actually surprised that he is seeded here at all. Therefore, Djoker should have no trouble at all getting to the 4^th Round where he could meet either John Isner (19) aka BFG Mountain Troll or Roberto Bautista-Agut (13) who has a different Spanish style of game. He hits a flat ball compared to his other compatriots. Djoker should get to quarters no problemo to face a real threat of sorts Milos Raonic!

Don’t forget about me! I might be spoiling some people’s plans!

Raonic’s Section Eighth: In the quarters for the Serbian, looms another big server in the form of Raonic (8). The Canadian should also get to the quarters but he has to be very very smart about his tennis. There are several well-experienced players in his eighth of the draw and they can be rather problematic. There are also a lot of tall players in this section. No doubt Raonic should move past the first two rounds. However, waiting for him in the 3^rd round could be Julie B (25) or Lleyton Hewitt who even though is old and broken, does tend to like to stir things up when the big lights are on him. The organizers will definitely schedule this matchup on primetime and on Rod Laver Arena. However, Raonic should be able to handle this pressure by now. A 4^th round possibility for the Canadian is Fefe Lopez (12) or Monfils aka Beetlejuice (17) and if he gets Beetlejuice, he might be in serious trouble. There are several matches in this section which should be rightly entertaining: A possible Juan Martin Del Potro (back from long term wrist injury) verses another giant in Jerzy Janowicz in the 1^st round, then the winner of this faces Beetlejuice and the winner of that match play a possible Lopez (12) in the 3^rd round and then that winner play Raonic. It is like the “Battle of the Giants”

*Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy has just pulled out of the Aussie Open citing precaution of a possible wrist injury! SUCH A SHAME. He will be replaced by Hiroki Moriya from Japan. I have NO IDEA who he is. As we are talking about those who will not be here, we should mention that Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Marin Cilic have both pulled out of the tournament citing injuries. Tsonga would be missed but I think Cilic pulled out because of the pressure of living up to his US Open win at the next major! It would be less pressure at the French Open where he is hardly favoured to win. 

Stanley (4) v Horsikori (5) Quarter

Don’t get it twisted folks, I am defending champion so I got street creds for this here title!

Stanley’s Section Eighth: Stanley (4) should get to the Round of 16 without any hiccups whatsoever. I do not believe he will retain his surprise title from last year. No Shade No T here, Stanley took out Djoker, Berdshite and Divadal en route to the title. That was a real Herculean effort, unlikely to be repeated ever again but he still deserves praise for that accomplishment. However, he has the potential of at least getting to the semis which considering his usual pedigree would be a major achievement in and of itself. He could face in the 4^th round (Round of 16), Fabio Fognini aka Pignini (16) and this I doubt because Pignini with slaughter himself along the way.

The teeth though!

Horsikori’s Section Eighth: Horsikori (5) might have a tougher time getting to the quarterfinals. Gilles Simons (18) aka Chicken Legs or Drumsticks is capable of being a tough opponent if he plays to his true potential and not his shoe size. Kei will however, start off his Melbourne campaign against Nicolas Almagro who is returning to tour from long term injury. It is nice to see him back on tour, in fact, I love to see his back on tour because his behind is muy caliente. Horsikori should get to the Round of 16 where he can potentially face Fake Fire Ferrer (9) who is desperate to get back in top 5 ranking. Ferrer loves nothing better than to occupy that 5^th place spot! He will be coming for Horsikori’s mane.

I mean look at this booty of Almagro! #icant

And this bodé! I mean he is not going to be around long so we have to soak up as much as we can while we can! 

Fake Fire Ferrer doesn’t like being so close to bottom of the top 10! For him, being 5 in the world is Number 1 in his book, so best believe, he is looking to get back up there in 2015

Mr. Federer (2) v Divadal (3) Bottom Half

Mr. Federer giving Divadal the sideeye having had his wig snatched by the Spaniard in Melbourne so many times now

Divadal (3) v Berdshite (7) Quarter

Berdshite is still around … however, the tournament haven’t started yet

Berdshite’s Section Eighth: Berdshite should get to the Round of 16 at the very least. However, knowing how this Czech can go well off the rails, he is capable of losing in the 1^st round as well as getting to the semifinals with some luck. He might face some stiff competition in the 3^rd round if Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) is also playing up to his true potential. The same can also be said for Ernests Gulbis (11) who might face Berdshite in the 4^th Round. Also lurking in these parts are Kevin Anderson (14) who has yet to get a win over Berdshite (one of the few sure things in Berdshite’s life) and also Gasquet (24). This section of the draw has the potential of a surprise quarterfinalist and/or some “upsets”.

Divadal is here people! Don’t get it twisted, he might have been “sick” for months now but he is dangerous in Melbourne

Divadal’s Section Eighth: Divadal has an easy ride into the semifinals. The former champion here in 2009 and last year’s finalist is looking to prove his worth after disappearing yet again from the tour with an “abnormal case of appendicitis”. He looked rusty in Doha losing to Michael Berrer (I don’t know who he is either) but there is virtually no one in these parts that Divadal cannot handle. However, I would have thought he could have handled the scrub Berrer. Nonetheless, this is a major and Divadal usually gets his life together for these big occasions. He opens against Mikhail Youzhny who is a former top 20 player but somehow found himself lurking in the far depth of the ranking. Youzhny if I am not mistaken has a win against Divadal at a major but I doubt it very much if he will be so lucky again. While we are on the subject of surprise win over Divadal at a major, in this section lurks the mercurial Lukas Rosol (28) who might be Divadal’s 3^rd round opponent. However, I am not even sure if Rosol would get that far in the draw but I thought it only fair to point out that there was a potential of it happening.

Mr. Federer (2) v Lochness Monster Murray (6) Quarter

You know if I don’t at least get to the finals, you’re fired right Amelie?

Lochness Monster’s Section Eighth: Now the end of last year did not bode well for the Scotsman who is a 3-time finalist here in Melbourne. He got his ass whipped by Mr. Federer at the Year Ending Championships; 0-6 1-6. After this result, Nessie fired his entire team with the lone exception of Amelie Mauresmo. He also decided to make it official with his long term girlfriend Kim Sears (I think that is how her name is pronounced but I hardly care one way or the other) Anyway, he too should have an easy time getting to the 2^nd week of the tournament. He will potentially face Dimitrov (10) who I am not sure about as of late.

Dimitrov is looking to get his bag straps together!

I have no clue which version of Martha’s Bulgarian handbag will show up in Melbourne. This clutch could play tennis like the real deal from the luxury shop or show up here like a knockoff from Chinatown. He should have no trouble getting past German Jamaican Dustin Brown in the 1^st round. Brown I am sure will be spending the match thinking about all the tweets about him because after the match he will spend all his time retweeting. This fool spends more time retweeting on Twitter than on the actual tennis court. He swears he is the shite. Meanwhile, he cannot make the German Davis Cup team. #gurlbye Anyway, if Dimitrov is not up to the task, lil Hobbit David Goffin (20) might be there ready to take his spot in the 4^th Round.

Mr. Federer is ready to claim his 5th Aussie Open title!

Mr. Federer’s Section Eighth: Mr. Federer also has an easy time to quarters. Hopefully the teenager, Borna Coric can get his life together and win a couple of rounds to meet Mr. Federer in the 3^rd round. Otherwise, Jeremy Chardy (29) might be Mr. Federer’s opponent. Not much to fear still unless one counts Tommy Robredo (15) who took out Mr. Federer at the 2013 US Open. Mr. Federer looked good coming into Melbourne having won the Brisbane title. He looked in great form as he dispatched both Dimitrov and Raonic. However, despite the immense talents that both Dimitrov and Raonic possess, they are hardly the real problem for Mr. Federer. If Mr. Federer wants to win this title, he has to beat Divadal and Djokovic back to back in a major. This is a HUGE ORDER especially at 33 years old. However, if anyone can get it done, it is Mr. Federer. Hopefully luck is on his side as well. 

Youngster Borna Coric is looking to make a splash on the tour this year

OVERALL IMPRESSION OF THE MENZ DRAW

There is not really much else to say. The draw is evenly distributed. I really do not think that the bottom half is stacked more so than the top. However, the Melbourne organizers see it fit to place Mr. Federer and Divadal on the same side of the draw AGAIN. Mr. Federer who has made it to the Aussie Open semis or better (4-time Champion here) since 2004 (AMAZING RECORD), always seem to bump into Divadal a lot. Anyway, I think Djoker is the favourite no matter how you slice it. Whether he would win is another matter altogether but he is the one trending in my book. Supposedly, the weather in Melbourne will be cooler over the next two weeks and the courts are playing faster … allegedly. Now this might give Mr. Federer is good chance to claim his 18^th major title but that is still is BIG ASK!

Never count out Divadal. He is on 14 majors and he is looking for number 15 to edge even closer to Mr. Federer in the top major winner category. A win here at the Aussie Open would make him the 2nd man in the Open-Era (open meaning that the sport is open to both tennis professionals and amateurs) to win each major at least twice! Meanwhile, Lochness Murray is desperate to keep his name in the “Honourable Mention” section in light of the top 3 players listed above. He can definitely make the necessary noise here to do so by winning this elusive title. However, for him to get to the final and win this title will require a Herculean effort. I am not sure he has that power.

Mr. Nicky Kripsy Kringles Kyrgios is confused as to what the deal is. He looks like he’s ready for some ratchet fashion shoot in some back alley

I don’t know why Hewitt’s son Cruz is on the court. Seems like daddy has babysitting issues. It is my feelings that Hewitt is not retiring because Becky doesn’t want him home and he needs the money because his old broken body should be home by now

Anyway, I think we can wrap up the menz here for now. I look forward to giving you the “in-depth” coverage from Melbourne!  

Australian Open 2014: Day 5

It is hot as Hades down under

So it is still hot as hell in Melbourne but play still continues. It seems that Melbourne is experiencing the extremes of weather conditions; wicked sun during the day and rains/lightening/thunder at nights. Hopefully cooler weather prevails because the schedule is kinda backed up (particularly for the doubles events) and also these conditions are TERRIBLE.

Are they using Berdshite’s H&M shirts to clean up… I rightly agree with this one

Anyway before we go any further, we should clear up some matches from Day 4 which were not necessarily covered…well they were not completed at the time of the publication of Day 4.

I wonder if Realz is going to give me some respect this year

33^rd seed Bojana Jovanovski is simply a mess. I am never backing this girl again. She is not ready for the big league. She could have barely held herself together after winning the 1^st set (which was messy) against Yvonne Meusburger from Austria. The Serb went down in 3 sets 6-3 3-6 2-6. If there are fans waiting for this potential star to shine, they should cast their telescopes elsewhere. This “star” has faded. Meanwhile, on the men’s side, Andy Murray is through to the 3rd round. No real surprise there. However, what was surprising was the fact that his opponent Vincent Millot of France got to a 5-1 lead in the 3^rd set. This was an incredible achievement on his part considering he is only like 5’8” To say that Millot fizzled at this point is an understatement. Millot just rolled over and let Lochness Monster @$$ raped him on court. Lochness Murray won 23 consecutive points. Now who does this? Really Millot, you could not even make it interesting on your own serve? WTF? I can’t. Lochness won 6 consecutive games to take the set and the match 6-2 6-2 7-5. Millot on the other hand should go eat shite and die. This is just utterly unacceptable. Had this been on the WTA, the papers would have been all over this madness but of course it is the ATP, so furor over this as far as I am aware. AND I am sure it is part of the highlights reels.

I don’t know what had happened…I lost in the 2nd round. No me gusta

Anyway, as if that wasn’t bad enough, Del Potro (5) and Verdasco (31) decided that it was more important to lose than win their 2^nd round matches in 5 sets. I mean Delpo, you lost to some journeyman Spaniard, Roberto Bautista Agut. Who is he?? You went out 6-4 3-6 7-5 4-6 5-7 to him? This is not the Spaniard who was supposed to give you issues. I can’t with nonsense from these top players. I am no longer factoring Delpo to win another major. Beast Boy has turned into some mere shadow of himself. He dare not say it is the wrist injury. It is high time he makes some serious decision about his game and put in the work to get back into major contention. Losing in 2^nd rounds of majors is not going to help at all. Verdasco..well not like he has been doing much as of late but he has had success here Down Under…he  lost to Gabashvilli who I thought had retired from tennis. Anyway, let us get to Day 5 results because Day 4 is making me mad.

I am winning this here match today!!

I almost forgot, there was also the late matchup of the 28^th seed Benoit Paire (my paramour) and Nick Kyrgios of Australia by way of Greece. Anyway, Kyrgios won the first 2 sets 7-6 7-6 and homeboy started to feel himself. As old people would say where I am from originally, “He started to smell his own balls” and thus felt he was the man. And of course the crowd was giving him all that energy. But I guess they forgot that Paire could play tennis and I am sure better tennis than Kyrgios who got a WC to enter the tournament. Boo Boo Benoit got his life together and beat that cocky stance from Kyrgios as he took the match in 5 sets 6-7 6-7 6-4 6-2 6-2.

My paramour Benoit showing these young upstarts who is the boss…at least in the 2nd round

So the Serenanator (1), Carebear Kerber (9) and Penne Pasta Pennetta (28) all made quick work of their opponents. The sun was brutal though less so than the day before. However, no one is trying to be outside for more than they need to at this point. ReRe subsequently defaulted from her 1R doubles match. Well the official reason is because Venus had some kinda thigh issue but we all know the real reason is the sun and ReRe needs to focus her singles tournament. I should mention that Serena Williams now has the all time record for singles victory at the Aussie Open getting to 61 moving past the great Margaret Court who in her era basically owned this tournament. By the way Margaret Court is on my shite list for her very public views on gays and gay marriage. This is a very nice accomplishment for the American. ReRe 6-3 6-3 over Daniela Hepburnova; Carebear Kerber 6-3 6-4 v Alison Riske of the US and Penne Pasta Pennetta 6-1 7-5 against Moaning Mona Barthel.

The Serenanator is trying to deal with this heat and through to the next round

Ekaterina Makarova (22) who took out Venus Williams in the opening round is showing herself to be in good form at this year’s open when she took out Monica Niculescu in straight sets 6-4 6-4. Meanwhile, Canadian Eugenie Bouchard (30) is showing great potential as serious contender as she confidently took out American Lauren Davis 6-2 6-2. And speaking of potential future stars, Aussie Casey Dellacqua beat Jie Zheng in straight sets 6-2 6-4. Zheng was definitely feeling the heat today. Dellacqua moves through to the Round of 16.

Lady Gollum was on it at the beginning of the match

There were two big key match ups yesterday LiNaLi v Lady Gollum Safarova and Ivanovic the Terrible v D’Stove Stosur. First up was LiNaLi v Lady Gollum Safarova. Li started poorly or perhaps it was just that Safarova started very well but the 4^th seed found herself down a set and struggling to hold serve in the 2^nd. So it was no surprise that Lucie was serving for the match 5-3 in the 2^nd. However, Safarova blinked and that was all LiNaLi needed to get her life together. She even saved match point as Safarova became a little too cocky on her groundstrokes, going for broke on every shot. LiNaLi got the 2^nd set to a tiebreaker and dominated to take it to a 3^rd set. Safarova started well enough 2-0 but only won 1 more games of the next 7 played. LiNaLi lived to fight another day 1-6 7-6 6-3. Lucie will feel this loss as it is her 7^th consecutive loss to the Chinese player. Lady Gollum you had your chances for this precious win but you dropped it and lost it. I am sure it did not help matters that her ex Tomas Berdshite was the next match up on court and his model girl was in the stands.

LiNaLi survives another day

Tomasz only likes winners like me..

In the other big match up Stosur v Ana, this one I figured was going to be really interesting because the winner faces the Serenanator but more importantly, these two former 1 time major winner, are both struggling for some resurgence in their careers. They are both languishing in the lower half of the top 20. They have yet to reclaim that form that guided them to 2 major finals and 1 major win. So I figured that this would be a real contest and for the most part it was. Rain did not help matters but as per the norm, Stosur disappointed. She took the 1^st set but in the 2^nd set, allowed her “backwardhand” to be overplayed. Her kick serve is not so effective against a player of Ana’s height and comparing forehand to forehand (the main arsenal in both of these players’ games) Ana’s is the better. However, we all know the major issue with Ana is whether Ivanovic the Terrible will show up on court and spoil matters especially since the crowd will be fiercely for Sam.

Big match up… battle of the forehands

Sam served for the 1^st set 5-4 but was broken which led matters to the tiebreaker where Sam took it. Rain came and halted play. When things got under way in the 2^nd set, Ana looked to be the more aggressive and took the set 6-4. In the 3^rd set, Ana found her range and exploited that backwardhand of Sam to the fullest and took the set and the match 6-7 6-4 6-2.

So the Round of 16 in the top women’s half has been set..
ReRe (1) v Ivanovic the Terrible (14)
LiNaLi (4) v Makarova (22)
Carebear Kerber (9) v Penne Pasta Pennetta (28)
Bouchard (30) v Dellacqua

It is HOTTT

On the men’s side of the draw, things were mostly routine.  David Fiery Ferrer (3) took on Jeremy Chardy (29). Things started relatively simply for the Spaniard as he took the 1^st set 6-2 but then Chardy broke in the 2^nd set and serve for the set. However, the Frenchmen did a spectacular job of choking to give Ferrer back the upper hand in the match. Ferrer did not relinquish his hold and took the match 6-2 7-6 6-2.

Berdshite also won in straight sets knocking out a qualifier. He is playing nicely enough and might be a contender here but we all know what happens when you put pressure on this Czech… he falls apart like a dainty flower. Other straight set winners were Florian Mayer who easily dispatched of the 20^th seed Jerzy Janowicz. I did not realize that Jerzy was dealing with a broken foot… well recently healed broken foot and was advised to not play the tournament. He was unprepared something he freely admitted. He went against it and look at the result. Mayer won 7-5 6-2 6-2. In the end Mayer was merely conserving energy because Jerzy was no contender. I wonder what sparked this mad decision because athletes have to know that their bodies are not indestructible no matter how invincible they feel. What Jerzy did was totally reckless in my opinion and his team should be admonished for this. With his limited mobility and the desert heat, I hope he does not do some irreparable damage to his physical body. It is obvious that there is brain damage by this foolish act. Was this decision driven by money?? Who knows…

Yeah I feel the choke coming up from my stomach

And speaking of madness, Frenchman Eduardo Roger-Vasselin let go of a 2-0 sets lead over 19^th seed Kevin Anderson. Roger-Vasselin was up 6-3 6-4 against the hard serving South African but it seems after that, Vasselin was more like vagisil because his game needed a midol. He just capitulated and the South African had his way with the match taking it 3-6 4-6 6-3 7-6 7-5. There are so many talented Frenchmen all of whom just dim in the spotlight. They are usually good and at times brilliant but they are all about showboating. They have no discipline. They are not ready for the big times. Granted that this current era of tennis has seen not one or two great players but THREE as well as a 2^nd fiddler who is good enough to be 1^st chair violin ever so often. It is hard for those on the outside to break into the top. Of course Roger Vasselin was not the only Frenchman to choke to death out there; Richard Gasquet (9) had to get in on the action. He was up on Robredo (17) in the 1^st set 6-2 and you thought that Gasquet was really going to take this match but you know these Frenchies, they are never comfortable with a lead. At times, it seems as though they are allergic to being on top. They only want to be behind and that was where Gasquet found himself as he continually allowed Robredo to dig into the match and get more comfortable. Thus an upset took place and the 17^th seed moves to the 2^nd week of a major 2-6 7-5 6-4 7-6 over Gasquet.

I am trying to stop the choke from coming out

YESSS I didn’t get bageled!!

Anyway, other winners include Djoker Harlequeen who was quite efficient in his dismissal of Denis Istomin who I think has a bright future ahead of him just so long as he keeps working hard. Nonetheless, his time was not last night as Djoker took him out 6-3 6-3 7-5. A sorta surprising result for me was Fabio Fognini (15) (resident hottie here at RealzTenisFanz) straight sets win over Sam Querry 7-5 6-4 6-4. Yes Fognini is ranked higher but I expected Sam to give a better fight; to be far more competitive. This was a golden opportunity. However, Sam Querry’s performance capsulate in a way what is wrong with American men’s tennis…. Actually American tennis in general; there is just no imagination, no guts and no multi-dimensionality (if I might use that word) to their games. Everyone can spot the strategy from the jump and they know exactly what they are getting from their effort. No surprises in the least. At the US Open there is a little flair in the 1^st week but rarely do they make it to or past the Round of 16. This was a winnable match for Querry, yet he went out meekly. Maybe I am being too harsh but anyway, who would have thought that Donald Young would be last American man standing? He takes on Nishikori (16) tomorrow so that should be an interesting matchup and Young legitimately has a chance here but I have no real expectations that he will get the job done.

Fabulous Fognini

So the Round of 16 matchups for the bottom half are:
Berdshite (7) v Anderson (19)
Mayer v Fiery Ferrer (3)
Wawrinka (8) v Robredo (17) Wawrinka got a bye into the 4R when Vasek Pospisil pulled out.
Djoker Harlequeen (2) v Fognini (15)

Again I have to stress how Easy Bake Oven Harlequeen’s draw is. I mean seriously what is Fognini going to do? Even more pertinent question is whether Fognini will even show up for the match. He has been known to default and just collect the cheque.

Anyway, the rest of these matchups should be delightful enough for even the pedestrian fans.

Yeah it was no competition gurl….

Yeah you better put that face on ice gurl because Tomaz don’t want you anymore!!

A piece of ice just fell between my girls

I think I got it

OMG OMFG FeFe Lopez I want this for my birthday, breakfast, lunch and dinner!!!

Double scoop of chocolate!! I have to say that Beetlejuice don’t look so bad next to Dreddy Tennis

Australian Oven 2014: Day 4

It is HOT HOT down under!!

Hey fanz! I hope some of you got to read Day 3 post and if you have not, I hope you do so today. Well the Aussie Oven was one of extremes yesterday. The place was on fire and play had to be suspended. The EXTREME HEAT RULE was put into effect. All courts with roofs will be closed after the current sets and play will resume indoor. All play on outside will be suspended after current sets to await a drop in temperatures. When play resumed after the heat break, the thunder and lightning ensued, suspending play again. This seriously messed up the schedule. So it would be that I would have posted this and some matches would have not been completed. As I right there are several matches taking place on other courts which usually would not be seeing play at this late hour.

My crotch is on fire!! Save me!! Save it!

I need the ice in my body, in my veins to keep cool

She was hallucinating

Anyway, in the heat, Maria Shriekapova pulled through a tough match against Karin Knapp of Italy. Maria has been struggling this major. Usually she handles these no namers in convincing fashion but these last 2 rounds showed her to be less than stellar. Anyway, she won the 1^st set 6-3 but sloppy serving handed Karin the 2^nd set. Maria served for the match 5-4 in the 3^rd but then soon lost her way as the Italian broke back and held serve to be up 6-5. Maria now had to serve to stay in the match. She did so three times to get to 8-8. It was at this point Maria got herself together to break and serve out the match 10-8. In her final service game, Maria double faulted 3 times. This kinda play will not serve her well against the likes of Vickie or the Serenanator. Maria 6-3 4-6 10-8.

I will take the win even if it wasn’t pretty

Vickie won her match in straight sets 6-1 6-4. Danish Biscuit (10) had an up and down match against American Christina McFail… I mean McHale. McHale got bagelled in the 1^st set and then came back to take the 2^nd 6-1. But I know McHale, I know that surge in energy was too good to be true. She was going to let me down in the 3^rd and she did not disappoint. She lost the match 2-6 in the 3^rd. McHale has been on the tour long enough now to be getting on better in these types of matches. She is acting too often like an amateur. I know she had “mono” recently but that is no excuse to be acting like a “dodo” on court. She you can do way better than this.

I thought someone got rid of this Foo!!

An interesting matchup took place between Camila Giorgi and Alize Cornet. Cornet won the match 6-4 4-6 6-4. However, she only hit SIX winners as Giorgi committed SEVENTY THREE unforced errors. The Italian gifted this match to the French. This is madness. Giorgi should be spanked around court. Cornet on the other hand will face Maria who I am sure will not spare the opportunity to punish those weak shots of Cornet. Watch out for a bagel/breadstick sets.

OMG I won! I won! I won a 2nd round match!!

Other winners include Simona Halep (11) who shone brilliantly in the sun whilst her opponent Varvarne Lepchenko faded in the light. The American won the 1^st set 6-4 but won only 1 game for the next 13. She couldn’t deal with the heat. Carlo Navarro-Suarez (16) came from behind 2-5 to take the match 8-6 in the 3rd v Galina Voskoboeva. Meanwhile, Elena Svitolina made good on her upset of Kuzi-Rex by taking out Aussie wildcard Olga Rogowska 6-4 7-5. Radwanska (5) is also through to the 3^rd round as are Fivehead Jankovic (8) Dominika Cibulkova (20) and Anastasia Fattychunkova (29). All won in straight sets. Sloane Stephens (13) had a tougher time in her match. She was down a set 3-6 v Aija Tomljanovic but reeled off 7 straight games to take the 2^nd 2-6 and being up 3-0 in the 3^rd. However, the heavens open up and Stephens lost her way. The Croat took the next 5 games and served for the match 5-3. However, she lost her way at that point and dropped the next 4 games. Stephens won 3-6 6-2 7-5

WTF it is going to rain now?? The weather goddess is definitely menopausal

On the men’s side of things, fewer matches have been completed at this point. Divadal got through his match rather quickly 6-2 6-4 6-2. Mr. Federer also got through in straight sets but he sorta took a scenic tour in the 3^rd 6-2 6-1 7-6. Nishikori (16) and Monfils (25) also came through in straight sets.

Beetlejuice will do battle against Divadal in the 3rd round!!

Hotness …. Bellucci and Baby Ali… a delicious combo if there ever was one

Baby Ali (10) got past Thomaz Bellucci who can be a tough customer especially with this heat. Ali came through in straight sets 7-6 6-4 6-4. I hope Bellucci gets his life together soon. He is HOT and he can play decent tennis. He deserves to at least be on the cusp of winning a major. Milos Raonic (11) aka Denis the Menace, Grigor Dimitrov (22) aka Mr. Sharapova former Mr. Serenanator also came through in straight sets as did FeFe Lopez (26). This top half is LOADED with talent. It is going to be “epic” matches to get through to the next round.

Donald Young…going cookoo for this Coco Puff

Hot matchup of the day is Donald Young v Andreas Seppi (24). So much hotness on the court… the temperature went up 20 degrees with these two on court together. Young took the 1^st set 6-4 but dropped the 2^nd 2-6. Seppi loves marathon matches but Young took the 3^rd 6-3. However, Seppi was determined to get this to a 5^th set at the least and he denied Young the chance to close it out in 4 by taking the 4^th set 6-4. The heat rule went into effect. I was so mad at Young because he had this on his racquet and these kinda opportunities have been rare in his career. Nonetheless, upon return Young got his life together to take the 5^th set 7-5 and thus the match. EXCELLENT on his part to make the 3^rd round of another major.

Don’t worry boo I got you

It must be noted that 2 lucky losers are through to the 3rd round here at the Oven… Stephane Robert of France and Martin Klizan of Slovakia. Congratulations dudes for not wasting your opportunities and make that paper as much as you can now!!

Currently going on is Chin Cilic struggling inexplicably against Gilles Simon. DelPo getting it together to close out the match in 4 sets.

Lochness Monster is ready to try and win another major

Update: Lochness Monster pulled through is match 6-2 6-2 7-5… being down 1-5 in the 3rd he won 23 STRAIGHT POINTS. Gosh the French can be so annoying. Millot you couldn’t even win one more game. WTF?? Meanwhile, Chin Cilic and Simon are in a 5th set. Cilic got breadsticked in the 4th set.

See what happens when you pay some people compliments… I just said her outfit last time was nice… now look at this mess??

So hot even my boobs are watering

Jesus all I want to be right now is that mist on Janowicz body…Yes Lord make me into a droplet of water… You turned water into wine. Surely you can turn man into mist. Let me run all the way down his chest and back to get his heaven….

Australian Open 2014: Day 2

Really? You really cannot be that hot if you are wearing scuba gear outside. It must be your brain that is on fire

Well folks thus far we are definitely on track with the postings so I am indeed excited about this fact. However, I have to share a bit of misfortune for me. Now, everyone that knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with tennis. I am obsessed with tennis, opera and the Olympics…..yeah and also going to the gym (Only Goldilocks is checking for bears!) I always make it a point to mention my passion for the game of tennis as well as the fact that I have a blog. I always shamelessly try to get RealzTenisFanz out there as much as possible. So imagine my surprise when I am talking to a co-worker recently about the fact that I love tennis. She expressed her genuine shock at the fact that I love tennis for she is friends with a member of Djoker Harlequeen camp. She use to be a former supermodel working with the likes of Claudia Schiffer etc….She was big though not huge in the supermodel sense. She is a good-looking woman and her model shots are AMAZING but I digress. It gets better people… She added “You should have told me because he is always offering me tickets to the US Open! You should have told me because I would have given you the tickets! He is always offering me but I never go”

To say I was flabbergasted is not even the word. WTF? WTFF? WTMFFF?? Is she mad? Is she INSANO! How could she not know? I mean seriously, HOW?? I had to walk away because Satan was whispering evil violent things in my ears and I was ever so inclined to obey. I could not deal because for me, this was no excuse. I could not believe I was so close to being in the players’ box to wear my RealzTenisFanz T-shirt, be on TV, get publicity for this prestigious publication and be famous. I could have even been the lucky charm that Djoker Harlequeen needed to deal with Divadal on that day of the finals. And I missed all of that because of her ignorance. Can you believe the madness of the world? UTTER MADNESS! Needless to say, she was on my shit list all day long. However, come 2014, you know Realz is cashing in on this hook up!!!

Anyway, let us get to Aussie Open action. Wait, I forgot…well I was not that I forgot but it seems as though I missed this news altogether. My former model friend informed me of this. Djoker Harlequeen hired Boris Becker as his coach! Oh my berries, things are getting serious. I mean I figured that things would have to change up with Djoker as for the past 2 years, he has missed some key opportunities in at majors namely, French 2012/2013, Wimbledon 2013, US Open 2012/2013. I mean he has been a mess in big tournaments. However, I always felt that it was his faults not a coaching failure but what do I know. So he takes on a famous former big name player in his coaching corner. Marian Vajda will be taking a backseat and travel with Djoker to limited tournament. Apparently, he was influential in picking Becker as his replacement. Meanwhile, Mr. Federer hired Stefan Edberg to be in his box. We all know that Lochness Monster Murray has Ivan Lendl to help with matters. While all these former glories are trying to light up the paths for current players, Divadal has tired ole cheating Toni Nadal who I do not even think was a professional player himself but yet is kicking all these asses royally. “Isn’t this ironic?” (Alanis Morissette) There is a saying I like saying that I believe that I have coined myself; A good Mathematician isn’t necessarily a good Math teacher.”

Yeah I do not know how effective I can be but I know I would see my name more often in the papers. (Boris Becker, Djoker’s new coach 6 majors)

Mr. Federer and his new coach Stefan Edberg (6 majors)

Lochness Monster and Ivan Lendl (8 majors)

Divadal and Uncle Toni (0 majors) Just beat those bitches with their major titles

Let’s get to the results:

So the day was HOT! It was SCORCHING!! Melbourne was on fire. It was approaching near record temperatures on the grounds. I think this girl below does a way better job of expressing the heat conditions than I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8lXYWXJfHQ

Anyway, Vickie (2) was not having it at all. She looked lethargic, bothered and bloated. I do not know if it is just me but she looks out of shape. However, she is getting the job done when needs be. She took out her opponent in straight sets though it was far from a routine victory 7-6 6-2.

I cannot deal with this heat

On the other hand, Caroline Wozniacki (10) aka Danish Biscuit, wasted no time on court as she ousted her opponent 6-0 6-2. Simone Halep (11) also trashed her opponent 6-0 6-1. Dominika Cibulkova (20) took out former French Open winner Francesca Schiavone in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Francesco has been hitting tough times lately and might soon be playing qualies to be getting into tournaments. Maria Shriekapova playing the last match of the day took out Bethanie Mattek-Sands in straight sets though it was a messy affair 6-3 6-4.

Danish Biscuit was baking

Other straight sets winners include Slaone Stephens (13), Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic (8), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) over American Vania King, Anastasia Fattychunkova (29) and Bojana Jovanovski (33). Bratzwanska (5) made it through in 3 sets as did American Varvara Lepchenko. She will join fellow American Christina McHale in the 2^nd round.

Was Sloane endorsed by Bic Higlighters or the Las Vegas strip? She is just bright even for her own eyes!!

There were no major upsets though some seeded players fell by the way. Kuzi Rex (19) lost in straight sets to Ukrainian Elena Svitolina 3-6 3-6, Sorana Cirstea (21) also lost in straights as Kaia Kanepi (24) got bounced in 3 sets.

Interesting ladies match up for Day 3 Sam Stosur (17) v Tsevtana Pironkova (night session), Sabine Lisicki (15) v Monica Niculescu. Be prepared for pending upsets here. The Serenanator and LiNaLi will also take the court. It is suppose to be another scorching day tomorrow so be prepared for retirements, medical timeouts and possible fainting.

Keeping it chill!

On the Men’s side, Mr. Federer opened his campaign for a 5^th Aussie Open title. Maybe it was the heat but I am not liking for Mr. Federer is looking these days. I know Mr. Federer is 32 and that he is not the Mr. Federer of 2005-2009. However, Mr. Federer is playing erratic/senile tennis. Those balls are landing very short in the court. At times there were flashes of brilliance but other times it was just banality of the highest order. Maybe I am being far too harsh as this is my main how. The thing is it that Mr. Federer is struggling against players of no mettle, merit or might. James Duckworth was giving Mr. Federer a run for his money. The Aussie was playing rather well within himself and it was mere luck and happenstance why he did not manage to pickpocket a set from the Swiss. At the very key moments of the match, Duckworth started to play Fuckworth tennis and Mr. Federer just seized his chance. It was not pretty but it passed and Mr. Federer is through to the 2^nd round 6-4 6-4 6-2.

I got through the day!! Mr. Federer what’s with the pants pattern? They fit nicely though

 Mr. Federer is sitting all hung packing his balls in more than his bag. No wonder Mirka is pregnant again. Fed be laying it down

In other news, Duckworth was not the only Aussie man to be sent packing as this major is near douche free when Hewitt and Tomic were ousted in the 1^st round. I could not be more ecstatic. Tampomic retired after the 1^st set against Divadal (1) with a “groin injury” I want to say something nasty about this matter but it is far too vile even for Realz to repeat. It does not matter to Divadal, he is through to the 2^nd round and on his way to his 2^nd Aussie Open title.

Yeah I am feeling more douchey than usual. Of course I am going to retire, why waste my time out here. I can be home in time to watch Maria’s match.

However, this was not the best result, Rusty Hewitt lost his match in 5 sets. You know how he loves the heroics and to be screaming Come ONs all over the place. He clashed up against Andreas Seppi (24) my sweet sweet Italian sausage and dropped the first 2 sets 6-7 3-6. It is at this moment when Hewitt often shines and he did not disappoint taking the next two sets 7-5 7-5 and he did so at the latter stages of those sets as both times, Seppi failed to hold serve to go to a tiebreaker. So in 5^th set, Seppi returned the favour by breaking Hewitt in the 12^th game to take the set and the match. G’day Mate!!! Yes.

Baby Ali is looking ruff and tuff with his Afro puff

Baby Ali (10) went through in straight sets as did Lochness Monster (4) Feliciano FeFe Lopez (26) and Monfils aka Beetlejuice (25). Del Potro Beast Boy (5) won in 4 sets. This is why Del Potro finds difficulty winning another major. He is in the early stages of matches, monkeying around and wasting energy. Why is he in a 4 set battle against Rhyne Williams? Who is Rhyne Williams? Other 4 set winners include Fernando Tabasco Verdasco (31), Milos Raonic (11) and Grigor Dimitrov (22) who is now working with Roger Rasheed former coach of Monfils. I am excited by this news. I hope Grigor produces better results this year. He has a lot of potential. Kei Nishikori (16) is another one of those players who is not efficient at majors. He won a 5 set battle to move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, Gilles Simon (18) beat my boo Danny Brands 16-14 in the 5^th set to move through to the next round. Young Americans Donald Young and Jock Sock also move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, fellow American John Isner had to retire after 2 sets with an aggravated ankle injury.

Nice to see Donald Young winning a major match

Radek Stepanek aka Shark Boy retired in the 4^th set after winning the first 2. I guess he is protecting his body as he has doubles to play. He is the defending US Open doubles champ. Smart man about the money.

Interesting matchups tomorrow for the men.. Sam Querry v Ernst Gulbis and Nikolay Davydenko v Richard Gasquet (9). I looked at the schedule and saw that Matthew Ebden (Aus) will play 28^th seed Vasek Pospisil (Can) is in the 2^nd match for the night session at the Rod Laver Arena. Ebden is currently ranked 67 in the world. Are they fcuking kidding me? What kinda a bullshit is this? This is like the warmup act closing the show and the main event came on only for sound check. Australian Open better check their nationalism madness at the door. Not even at the US Open will I see a Jock Sock or Donald Young night match UNLESS they are playing one of the big boys! Ain’t nobody have time for this.

Hope you enjoy!!! AND SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT REALZ TENIS FANZ!!

PICTURE SHOW: Treasure Chests!!

Divadal is giving that camera man in the back some action

Berdych showing us his pecs

Alejandro Gonzalez of Colombia getting in on the action

Kei Nishikori

Fognini

Oh Fogging Fognini

Boo can I do that for you??

But tennis players have nothing on these guys..

Cullen Jones… I want to be a water droplet right now

Ryan Reynolds…Blade Trinity… that’s all I got to say…

 

Australian Open 2014

Every major, when I’m trying to rearrange my life to get in as much tennis in as possible, I always contemplate whether to post a preview bit. Now mind you, all the major publications do so in an effort to drum up some interest and frankly so that they can talk. However, with the current state of both the men and women’s tours, matters have long been decided. For the past three years now, it’s been the same gang at the top. There’s nothing new to say. I am sure the same notes from the preview to the French, Wimbledon and the US Open 2012 and 2013 will apply for this Australian Open 2014. I dare someone to say otherwise.

However, I figured that RealzTenisFanz cannot be so far out of the main stream though we are hardly the type of prestigious publication to follow trends blindly. Nonetheless, I figured why not revive the blog for 2014 with a lil something for the Fanz.

From Realz!!

While we are on this subject Fanz, I think 2014 will see us going on quite a bit so I want to thank you all for your continued support. Happy New Tennis Year ! I know many of you are dying to tell about your Christmas and New Years affairs. However, we aren’t here for that. We will get into personal gossips later on. Furthermore, our lives aren’t nearly as interesting as the pro players so we will ignore our mundane madness for the sake of their more scintillating sagas.

So let us have the realz score on this one now

But let us not digress…. Wait, I’m not sure if I actually confirmed this but I regret to inform you that it’s really true that Petra Kvitova and Radek Stepanek are in fact a couple. I don’t think my brain has fully grasp this ugly concept. In fact whenever I think of them as a couple, my mind’s defense system kicks in and automatically blurs Shark Boy’s face.

Homewrecker??? Nicole and Radek on their wedding day. Right, Petra in her version of a black dress

PeekaBoos!!

Can’t deal with that much beastliness in one thought. I know people will label Petra a homewrecker seeing as Shark Boy is still married to former top ten Nicole Vaidisova. However, in my humble opinion, it was a hideous home. It ain’t for looks or charms so it has to be he drops his shorts and you silly school of girls just lose your bloody minds as well as your panties.

Wait what do you mean I have to share you??

This was Petra’s old boo but she don’t want no small fry anymore… she’s looking for big fish

So Nickie girl, you get yourself some new dick though I am guessing that Shark Boy is hung like a sperm whale because too many decent looking girls are getting bitten by this predator. I bet he be munching on their seabed like it the last plankton in all of the Red Sea. Sushi is on the menu girls and you are the catch of the day! Ladies I advised you all to invest in a decent toy and if not get yourself a good “buddy” with ironclad contractual terms, safe play because no one deserves to be caught up in the cult that is Radek Stepanek. He’ll kill your joy and your career. Ask Martina Hingis and Nicole. At this point in Petra’s career, she doesn’t know where she’s going but most certainly sure that she’s coming and coming very regular. So I guess I should be happy for her?

And she found it with Shark Boy

To the real tennis newz :

Divadal before his make up!

On the men’s side, the number one seed, Rafael Nadal aka Lord Clay aka Divadal aka Lord Clay and hardcourt Divadal (She lost only two clay court matches last year and didn’t lose on hardcourt whilst picking up his 8th French Open title and 2nd US Open crown), has a draw of death. It’s just traps all over the place. First off he has to deal with Bernard Tampomic and frankly I know the Spanish Diva is going to handle this mess in 3 straight kleenex sets but no one wants to deal with the Aussie crowds fully supporting their man and the added misfortunes of having to endure Bernard’s on court bullshit. You know this latent case is going to be showing her dirty knickers all over the place when those Divadal forehands be coming from all corners of the court. It’s going to be a mess I’m sure of it.

Yeah I am a douche… so what?? Am I the biggest douche down under?? Hmmm

No I am the biggest douche down under

What’s even worst for the number one seed is that he has to deal with not one Aussie Asshole but two; Lleyton Hewitt is also on this section. Hewitt’s career got a resurrection of sorts when he beat Mr. Federer in Brisbane last week in 3 sets. So look out this possible 4th round clash.

I am ready for all these douche bags. Bring them on!!

Wait did you say Xisca is coming on court?? I need to get out of her.

Beetlejuice is lurking for Divadal in this section for a possible 3rd round match up that’s if Beetlejuice shows up in Melbourne to play tennis and not to pay clown.  Divadal has to also contend with Beast Boy who is definitely poised this year to make some real major noise again. Del Potro wants another major and he will get it soon enough in my humble and often awesome opinion. But all in all its unlikely he is losing early unless Rosol and Darcis had a baby together.

I don’t know which Beetlejuice will show up

Ahh the maladies of Murray have already begun and he hasn’t even played a match yet

On the other side of the top half is Lochness Monster who has had a rather dismal year since winning Wimbledon last year. This creature might be stumbling since his magical 2012. Murray has been featured in three Aussie Open finals now I think and winning a total of 1 set of the ten that he played. I’m sure he thinks that the 4th time is the charm. However you know this is of no concern to me because Mr. Federer (6) is in this quarter and that’s my main man. However, Mr. Federer has two French men in his realm, Baby Ali et Chicken leg Simon. They both come lethal and with historic wins over the greatest thing since slice in my tennis world.

I don’t know what is going on with me anymore. I am going senile on the tennis courts it seems.

The Scotsman has to deal with the likes of BFG John Isner and Chin Cilic. This is just tough half all over. Just potential problems all over the place for everyone. No match is an easy round.

Despite all this, I think Divadal is coming through this half. Mr Federer might get to the semis but he doesn’t have the stamina to deal with the hard court beast that is Divadal plus Mr. Federer has far more pressing issues before he gets to semis…. And that’s if he even gets there. My man is no longer a safe bet especially as the 6th seed. He’s working with Stefan Edberg but I’m not sure this will help. Federer needs a nutritionist to help him gain muscle mass. No Bueno! I almost forgot the gossip, Mirka is pregnant again. I couldn’t really tell because she always look with child. However, Mr. Federer made the announcement on Facebook and I have to take his word for it on these matters.

Mommy and granny holding the girls… possibly brother(s) on the way??

David Ferrer’s quarter…. Is this even a legitimate expression? However the numbers don’t lie, he’s the 3rd ranked player and gets his own section. However this prize hasn’t brought him much gifts because he has to deal with a lot of bigger men, Tommy Haas Mikhail Youzhny, Tomasz Berdshite and Jerzy Janowicz. It’s going to be tough and of course he has the 3 time defending champion Djoker Harlequeen on his side.

I am gonna be passing out some chocolate because I have a sweet sweet draw

Now I have seen easy bake oven draws in the past but I think this quarter for Novak is a new model where we might as well had just give Novak byes all the way to the finals or at least the semis to make it interesting. There’s no one in this section to trouble the man. No one! Ernst Gulbis? Richard Gasquet? Marcos Baghdatis? Ain’t he married? This must be sketch comedy because I know Djoker is laughing his ass off. The only possible hiccup is Stan Wawrinka and we all know how messy this girl can be. She got handled at the US Open and that must still be hurting.

Anyway, I think Divadal and Djoker are the two contenders here though I do not look forward to a possible finals between these two as I would like to not waste 7 hours of my life with these two for one of them to finally take the title.

It is just me, myself and I out there. No one comes close to me.

On the ladies’ draw I mean what more can one say other than the Serenantor (1) is here to win this title and try yet again for the one thing that her career does not have: a true Grand Slam. She is going for it this year full steam ahead. She is not going to let herself be deterred. Every year since 2010 she is becoming more and more mentally focused and her hard work is paying off. Since that ugly defeat in 2012 at the French Open, she has been looking stupendous. Her shots are cleaner, crisper and she is staying in shape. No one has seen this kinda of focus from Serena for a long time…if not ever. It seems that everything is looking up for her now. However, we all know it is at these times when she looks unstoppable, she then lets her bad self get in the way and implodes on court. Hopefully, this sorta thing is not going to happen because I think Serena has worked hard enough and deserves the calender slam. I would also really like to see her in the 20s with major titles. She is really that good of a player!!

Yeah you forgot about me??

Yeah there are competitors to consider, Vickie (2), Maria (3) and LiNaLi (4) but do they even stand a chance? I mean Vickie is the ONLY one who does not get routine bagels and/or breadsticks from the American. Vickie can play the Serenanator but when it comes to the final stages of the match where fitness is a factor, Serena has her younger adversary beat. Maria simply does not possess the skill set to deal with Serena. I don’t think she ever will. And also her biggest problem is trying to stay positive throughout the match. It is very difficult to do as she is constantly trying to figure out what kinda diet is Serena working on that day. Is she carb counting and thus handing out bagels and breadsticks sets or is she on a gluten free diet and feels more generous in allowing an extra game here or there. Look at any of the matches these two play. Serena is almost breaking Maria at will and dispensing baked goods to the Russian like a Pillsbury. However, I would admit that last match a week ago, Maria got to a tiebreaker. However, I think Serena was just trying to be generous..Happy New Year’s Gurl….Here’s a Christmas gift; a respectable scoreline.

Now why you had to go bring up my record against the Serenanator again for?

Anyway these two can only meet in the finals. Maria and Vickie are on the same half (bottom) of the draw and Serena has to contend with LiNaLi on her half (top). Will be interesting to see what the new year brings for Li and her Cheating Coach Carlos. Serena’s quarter is rather tricky as she has some ticklish players lurking about like Tsetvana Pironkova who just won her first WTA title beating Petra Kvitova GHW (she had penis on the brain) along the way. There is also the huge serving Eugenie Bouchard (30) of Canada, tenacious Jie Zheng, Ana Ivanovic (14) the Terrible and also Sara Errani (7) but really and truly we are not exactly counting her in the mix. Serena eats Sara for a light snack. There is also local home hopeful Sam Stosur who has beaten the American twice at the majors in key matches. However, Sam does not have a great record in her home country but she won several matches this past week so this might be a turn around for her.

Do we know which LiNaLi will be on court or will Carlos continue to signal to her telling her know who she should be?

LiNaLi (4) also has a tricky set of client with GHW Kvitova (6) aka Mistress Stepanek, Sabine Lisicki (15) who it seems is now working with Martina Hingis (I don’t know why this woman just won’t go away and stay there. Can’t she find more men to beat up? She really does not contribute much to game at this time. She is fighting so hard to be relevant but she barely has a point except on pencil. And she should just erase herself with the other end. She was a great student of the game but hardly is she selfless enough to be a decent teacher.) Carebear Kerber (9) is also around in these parts. I almost forgot to mention that resident veteran Venus Williams is also on board at this Open. She will open her campaign against crazy lefty Ekaterina Makarova (22) who has been known as a very dangerous floater. She has some good scalps in her career including Serena and 5th seed here Radwanska. So Makarova is not to be dismissed lightly.

You don’t worry about my draw and/or drawers okay. Just how I like it… easy, breezy

Sometimes when I look at Maria’s draw at majors, I often wonder if the committees are confused about the concept of “draw” It might be that they are thinking more “drawers” than “draw” because Maria always getting some easy sexy cute draws. There is absolutely no one of consequence in her section of the draw. Not one. You know who Maria is opening up against, Bethanie Mattek-Sands and one noted sports writer claimed Carlo Suarez-Navarro is the dark horse pick and figured she will get to the semis. I think he means, she is going to buy a ticket to watch the match. Most certainly she is not going to be winning 5 singles matches and earn her place. I mean seriously now? Dark Horse pick… This is more likely a Black Unicorn pick. So because of this it means that Jelena Jankovic aka Fivehead Jungle Witch (8) v Maria really going to be the big matchup of this section. I would rather vomit.

I hope you all didn’t forget about me now

Vickie has a relatively okay section with several of her favourite punching bags Slaone Stephens (13), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (10) and off course her best pigeon Agniezska Radwanska (5). Vickie couldn’t ask for a better route to the semis.

All in all I don’t think she is retaining her title this year. This is the Serenanator’s title for the taking.

FASHION FORWARD???

Serena gurl, you need to better cage that tiger of yours… I can see claws coming out…

Vee gurl… WTF with that weave…We need to hook you up….that front is a hotmess

Apparently LiNaLi moonlights as a clown after hours.

It is not great but it is not bad and for Maria, this is all good

This is very good from Sabine

Who knew the German was also a succubus?

Daniela showing all the itches how you step it up! Gorgeous! Giving them Farrah Fawcett hair tease realness!!! YES M’AM

Apparently, men and women went to different functions because David look like he just got off from practice. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Even with ugly New Balances, the ratty t-shirt and the buzz cut, this Spanish flame is still burning hot

US Open 2013: Day 5

US Open at Night is electric!!!

I am so sorry that this edition of the blog is kinda coming to you late very late. I really had to catch up on sleep. Typically, I am able to do some of the ground work for the postings during the day. However, because of “work related issues” I have to do everything in the evenings/nights. Anyway, I do sincerely apologize. I am really trying to do a complete coverage of this major. It seems like this year I am having no luck. Twice I have been offered tickets to the Open and twice I could not get to them. It is no big deal. The weather has been so inclement though play has not been delayed for several days now. However, when it rains at the stadium, it becomes a very hot/humid situation. Everyone is everywhere. And it is very expensive out there with the adult beverages being really good. It might not be a good look for me at all.

Poor Laura Robson was not having a good day

Anyway, let’s get to the tennis. On the ladies’ side of the draw, there was not much of an upset. It was a relatively quiet day. LiNaLi faced off against Laura Robson who knocked her out of last year’s Open. However, LiNaLi was not having deja-vu as she just dismantled the Briton. Laura was having a bad day at the office. Every lead she had was quickly surrendered and LiNaLi kept her wits about here and spanked her down to the ground 6-2 7-5.

I’m gonna take a drink for you Laura… cheers

Wimbledon finalist Sabine Lisicki also lost in straight sets 4-6 5-7 to Ekaterina Makarova who has also enjoyed an inexplicable win over the Serenanator (Aussie Open 2012). She is always good for at least one upset at the majors. She is a very dangerous floater and has that nasty lefty swing with a down the line shot that can be deadly. However, Makarova is a Russian, so you know how that goes. One minute they playing like tennis gods and the next, they are a mess from hell.

Bye itch… bye bye

Sloane Stephens won her match up against fellow American Jamie Hampton with relative ease 6-1 6-3 and will face now another American, the Serenanator. The Serenanator had to play the late late night match, taking the court just before midnight. She had a tough test from the Russian/Kazak Yaroslava Shvedova but the Serenanator hung tough 6-3 6-1 to move on.

Yes! I’m on it! I am definitely on it tonight!

Now, there has been much talk of the Sloane/Serenanator match up. Interestingly enough, they have only played twice. 1-1. The Serenanator’s lost came at the Aussie Open quarters after she had just beaten Sloane a couple of weeks prior in Brisbane (If I am not mistaken). In their 1st match up, Sloane stated that the Serenanator’s grunts were disrespectful. When she won, she spoke of how Serena is an idol/mentor etc to her. There was for me a moment in her post match fevour where Sloane seemed to have suddenly got way ahead of herself. She came off as a tad bit cocky…well cocky is not the word I want to use here but for me, she just same the wrong thing though I cannot recall exactly what she said. I think it was something to the effect of taking down Serena’s photo in her room and put up hers. I was like “Gurl, you have not arrived as yet. There is a lot more to go.” I chalked it up to post-big-win euphoria. However, things got very complimacated later in the year when in an interview, Sloane went all in on the Serenanator. She was like a manic woman on a mission to the looney bin because the interview was totally out of control.

Wait Sloane is trying to come for me??

“She’s not said one word to me, not spoken to me, not said hi, not looked my way, not been in the same room with me since I played her in Australia,” Stephens says emphatically. “And that should tell everyone something, how she went from saying all these nice things about me to unfollowing me on Twitter.” [Boo, Maria and Serena do not hang out in the same circles. I assure you of that. They do not hellos, byes or even the casual nods across the room from each other. I do not know who you think you are, Ms. Just Come on the Scene to warrant girlfriend status with the likes of the Serenanator]Her mom tries to slow her down, but Sloane is insistent. “Like, seriously! People should know. They think she’s so friendly and she’s so this and she’s so that — no, that’s not reality! You don’t unfollow someone on Twitter, delete them off of BlackBerry Messenger. I mean, what for? Why?” [Because I don’t have anything to say to you. You speaketh nonsense! Aint’ nobody got time for that!]

No she didn’t just say that!!!! She said all that? Gurl she went all in on Serena’s @$$

I guess this unfollowing happened after Serena twitted, “I made you” after the Australian Open match. I have to admit that this might have been directed at Sloane who was acting quite full of herself and failed to mention that she got dusted by Vickie in the next round. Serena was not a nice person she mentioned. Sweetie, I do not know which bylines you have been reading but no one thinks the Serenanator was valedictorian from Ms. Muffy’s Charm School. She related some ridiculous story of how at age 12, she waited with a group of young tennis fans to get autographs from Serena and Venus and in the end she did not get one despite them walking by her several times. She took this personal. Even her mother, as noted by the interviewer, was like “Gurl are you for real with this nonsense.” Sloane, I was up close and personal with Venus and Serena and they did not give me an autograph. GET OVER IT. Sloane did not stop there. She was going for the jugular. She disavowed any notion that she looked up the Serenanator and emphatically noted that Kim Clijster was her fav. (LOL oh Sloane gurl, you were really feeling yourself.)

Ooops I said all? Oh gawd I had verbal diarrhea!!

Now this is relatively old news. However, the press ran with this as I think there was a lot to the story in that one player was really calling out another. Moreover though, this Serena/Sloane drama is even more intensified by the fact of their age difference representing the past/present/future of women’s tennis, their being black and that they are the top 2 American females. It is a “black cat fight” and nothing the American press likes to see but black/black crime PLUS the added feature that it is two women going at it. They American press wants drama because in the end it is a win/win situation for them. Sloane win this match, “She is the future, She dethroned the reigning tennis queen, etc etc.” If Serena wins, they get to pull out the Serenanator monster/revenge headlines etc etc. This is for them a rivalry because the Serenanator/Maria or Serenanator/Vickie is really nothing to write home about. The Serenanator own them both. It should be noted that subsequent to Sloane’s lil rant, she backtracked and apologize for her behaviour. She and the Serenanator have squashed the incident but the press will not leave it alone.

Guess who showed up for a doubles match. Ms. Hingis but she got knocked out

Anyway, the other winners include, Carla Suarez-Navarro who is intent on making no attempts whatsoever to be girlish on court. Suarez Navarro knocked out Jie Zheng who had taken out Venus the previous round. Interestingly enough, Carla beat Venus in the 2nd round of a major as well in 2009 Australian Open. JJ aka Jelena Jankovic aka Fivehead Jungle Witch won as did Angelique Kerber, Aga Radwanska who has been getting some very very early matchups. She has played all of her matches 1st thing up on court.

1	S. Williams	6	6
	Y. Shvedova	3	1
23	J. Hampton	1	3
15	S. Stephens	6	6
	J. Zheng	2	4
18	C. Suarez-Navarro	6	6
3	A. Radwanska	6	7
	A. Pavlyuchenkova	4	6
24	E. Makarova	6	7
16	S. Lisicki	4	5
30	L. Robson	2	5
5	N. Li	6	7
25	K. Kanepi	0	4
8	A. Kerber	6	6
9	J. Jankovic	6	7
	K. Nara	4	6

Del Potro in the house!!! Looking for make another run to the US Open title

On the men’s side, things were also routine and that includes Juan Martin Del Potro just showing his ass on court. I swear, I expected bigger things from Del Potro but it seems he is determined to be a one hit wonder. He played Hewitt and after a slow start of dropping the 1st set, he smashed his way through to win the next 2. However, if you are familiar with Del Potro’s style of tennis, it is quite languid, lackadaisical and lovely all rolled into one. He can be deftly powerful and then do some of the dumbest things ever on court. For a huge man, he does not allow himself to be limited by any part of the game. Although, he has had recent niggles with that wrist of his, he can still acquit himself quite well. But against Hewitt, he just became a mess. He allowed Hewitt to get away with murder with that horrid serving of his. Hewitt barely makes 1st serves. In the end, Hewitt knocked off Del Potro and really put a monkey wrench in my US Open predictions. I mean I did not really make predictions but I mean Delpo was supposed to have bagged this match easily.

D for Del Potro… D for Disappointment

Anyway moving on from this mess of a match: other winners include Marcos Baghdatis, Wawrinka, Mikhail Youzhny who I must say has had some good results here, Tomas Berdych and of course the two giants, Andy Murray and Novak Djokovic. Like I said not much going on here except Delpo losing. I almost forgot that Tommy Haas won his match. However, check out the results below.

I am here to reclaim my US Open title and no one is going to stop me

1	N. Djokovic	7	6	6
	B. Becker	6	2	2
12	T. Haas	6	6	7
	Y. H Lu	3	4	6
	L. Hewitt	6	5	3	7	6
6	JM Del Potro	4	7	6	6	1
3	A. Murray	7	6	3	6
	L. Mayer	5	1	6	1
	D. Young	5	3	4
	F. Mayer	7	6	6
	D. Kudla	6	6	3
5	T. Berdych	7	7	6
	A. Dolgopolov	5	1	3
21	M. Youzhny	7	6	6
	J. Nieminen	6	3	6	3	4
	J. Sousa	1	6	3	6	6
	E. Donskoy	6	6	3	4	6
	P. Gokowczyk	3	4	6	6	3
	T. Kamke	4	2	2
	D. Istomin	6	6	6
	A. Bogomolov	6	6	6	4	4
	T. Smyczek	3	7	2	6	6
9	S. Wawrinka	7	7	6
	I. Karlovic	5	6	4
20	A. Seppi	7	6	7
	S.Dewarman	6	4	5
31	J. Benneteau	6	6	6
	J. Chardy	4	3	4
	M. Granollers	3	4	6	6	7
	R. Ram	6	6	2	3	5
	M. Baghdatis	6	6	6
17	K. Anderson	2	2	2

Hottie Daniel Evans coming out to practice

Hottness Denis Kudla

Colin Fleming….Very nice

Joao Sousa from Portugal… DELICIOUS with the scruff and all

Donald Young is always in agony. I think I know of relieving the pain Donald…

Dolgopolov is just a hot mess with that face… He really needs to get active with the ProActiv

I kid you not…Hewitt had the trainer come out on court to wipe his mouth… like WTF is that all about?

OMG did the trainer just come out to deal with his herpes??? That’s just NASTY….I’m so not playing mixed doubles with him

US Open 2013: Day 3

The rains ruled the day on Day 3 of the US Open 2013

So it’s raining… what to do? Get a drink

 

Oh what a day! My head is still reeling from yesterday’s events. I am not even sure how to deal fully. Venus Ebony Starr Williams, you have done it yet again. You have inexplicably pulled me into your matches and have my emotions run high. Every single time I promise myself that I would get wrapped up into your matches because I know how much I get worked up afterwards. Yet I still go all in. You know, truth be told, Venus, you are not the crackhead, it is I. I am an addict and I am addicted to you and the pain/torture of watching your matches. Needless to say fanz that Venus lost yesterday to the likes of Jie Zheng 3-6 6-2 6-7 (7). I do not care what people want to say about how Jie Zheng got to two major semifinals (Australian Open 2009 and Wimbledon 2010 if I am not mistaken) The thing is that Zheng barely makes a squeak on the WTA tour and then all of sudden she is always trying to muck up the Serenanator and Venus Williams’ plans. I think what made yesterday’s loss even more difficult was the fact that Venus kept trying to stay alive  but in the end gave away the match with two careless errors. It was bad…real bad.

 

Oh Venus… you slay me every time

 

Anyone who has followed this blog knows how much drama Venus Williams has caused Realz. On this blog forum, she has been buried, resurrected, renamed, I think shunned and at some point redeemed. It is tough being a Venus Williams fan. Very very tough. She never makes anything easy. I understand about the disease and everything, however, for her fans, what we see out on court is really a lack of effort. Maybe things might be hurting but we do not care. We want Venus to do well and to do doing well, very well. Honestly, I cannot be too mad at Venus. Actually, as I am writing this now, I am already over her lost. This is sports. Venus is a wounded animal and all her opponents know this. They already feel that they have a 65% shot of winning the match anyway and with Venus’s ability to hit errors/double faults/wayward shots in quick and repeated succession, their winning chances increase to almost 80%.

With that 6 heads of yours, you couldn’t come up with a way to win that match? SMH

However, when I get into these dark places (and I mean dark dark places in my mind. You do not know how I was going in on Venus last night in my head. I was ripping her new one; the hair, the nails, the clothes. I didn’t hold back) with Venus Williams, I go back to time when I was calmer and more rational. I remember when in 2010, she lost to Kim in the semis and my ensuing reaction to write the following. This was a year before it was announced that she had Sjogren’s Syndrome. I think much of what is being said below here still applies. And since 2010, Venus has done a lot to be proud of.

A pixie took out a giant

In Act 4, Scene 1 of the opera Aida by Giuseppe Verdi, Amneris, the Egyptian princess, is at world’s end. She has just lost her best friend Aida whose whereabouts are unknown and the man that she loves, Radames, former head of the Egyptian guards, awaits death for committing treason. Radames adamantly rejects Amneris’s offer for clemency as he refuses to renounce his love for Aida and marry Amneris. As Radames walks away in the clutches of priests to his pending execution, Amneris realized that all is lost and sinks to the ground…..She laments “Ohimè! Morir mi sento” (Oh how I feel like dying)  By Saturday evening, I almost sank to the floor of my apartment and felt very much the same way as Amneris. My pain was so great; my thoughts reverted to Italian opera verse. Roger Federer and Venus Williams, my picks to win the single titles, did not make it out of the semifinals. They both went the distance but came up short.

Venus Ebony Starr Williams has done me in once more. Yes, I have referred to her by her given name. I know not what else to do. After winning the first set 6-4, Venus was down in the second set 3-5. Mommie Dearest served for the set but was broken by the ever-resilient Venus. For those who are familiar with the Williams sisters, they know that they are made of Teflon and are the type of fighters you want on your side during a battle. They seemingly never gave up. There was joy in my heart. Venus leveled the set at 5-5 and held serve again whilst Mommie Dearest did so as well. They moved to a tiebreaker. My heart caught a fire for I know Venus is often fabulous in tiebreakers. She would never let this opportunity to close out the match in straight sets be wasted. I almost fell off the treadmill, as Venus did not win a single point on her serve. How could this be? The woman with the fastest serves on tour, double faults as if it were the object of the game.

She lost the second set. I figured that she would make it back. There was no way she would give up this opportunity easily but alas, I was wrong, as I have been all year long about Venus Williams. She lost the third set 4-6 after getting broken early in the set, breaking back to even things at 4-4 games and getting broken again. It was not so much so that she lost the match that nearly killed me but it is the fact that Venus failed to show any of the tools she had employed in her winning the previous 11 sets of tennis she played. Her serve was on, the forehand was on, she was coming to net, her second serve was not vulnerable and her deadly backhand was as solid as ever. Her killer instinct was on full displayed as she was not being rattled by the crowd or an inexplicable loose service game. Yet in the last two sets against Kim on Friday, she simply went away.  

Where is the resilience and strength of the Venus of old who saved 11 match points against Jennifer Capriati? Where is she? It was heart breaking to see Mommie Dearest be on her way for a third US Open title at the expense of Venus. EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE HAS WON THIS TITLE, VENUS HAS HAD KIM ON THE ROPES ONLY TO RELINQUISH HER HOLD. It is simply devastating to continue to watch. I tried to be brave in the end and watch the match but I almost had my chest cracked open as the 110 barbell nearly slipped out of my hand as I was bench pressing. I do not know what else to say about Venus.

This lost caused sheer panic and hysteria for Venus Williams Fans. One fan, Mr. Brown, a faithful subscriber to this publication went onto Venus Williams’ facebook page and lambasted her. He stated that she should retire, go play doubles and get a sports psychiatrist to deal with her mental crackish ways. However, I have had much time and trauma to think about the enigma that is Venus Williams and I have to say that I am now at peace with the situation. The problem is that fans of Venus Williams live vicariously through her more so than they do other tennis players. See, backing Venus Williams is not some trivial gesture or some effort to always be on the winning side but it is a wholehearted commitment. Venus Williams represents the awkwardness and triumphs of all her fans.

Here you have a 6’1” skinny black girl from the “projects” making it big. Now, this Cinderella story is hardly one that I decry but understand that the attraction to Venus Williams is not a mere love for rags to riches. See Venus is that awkward stage all of us experienced throughout school…always being teased for standing out because of physical attributes…always being told you do not measure up to the accepted standard….never fitting in…never being allowed to fit in or be included. Yet, she rose above all of that to become top tennis player, triple Olympic gold medalist, 7 time major champion, entrepreneur, fashionista, activist, and philanthropist. Venus Williams makes the case for dancing to a different beat even though others think you look stupid. And where are the boys and girls who were hating on her in the past…who knows and who cares, unless they are the one serving at the local DMV. Fans adore the manner in which Venus carries herself across the court….there is a certain strut, poise, elegance, command of attention as if to say, “I am here now…deal with it.”

For her fanz, Venus Williams is not the ultimate rags to riches story but the ultimate ugly duckling turning to the beautiful swan. (Now don’t get all technical on me saying that an ugly duckling cannot grow up to be a swan as they are two different species. I bet many of you never thought of that) This comparison can easily be applicable to Serena but somehow, one can never see Serena as ever being shy. No it is Venus who appears more vulnerable, requiring more care and thus elicits more sympathy and admiration from her fanz. In the story of the Ugly Duckling, the narrator never tells us what happens after this wonderful transfiguration (a duckling to swan is no mere transformation, it has to be a transfiguration and Professor McGonagal is in on it [Harry Potter reference])but we are left to assume that everything is happily ever after.

However, we know too well that in real life that no such thing exists. The fans of Venus Williams are experiencing the life after the transfiguration. They have come to expect sheer brilliance from the Swan each and every time she takes to the “pond.” They would accept nothing short of this for her triumphs are their triumphs and conversely, her failures are their failures. What is more devastating for her fans is the fact that Venus is apparently very complacent with her “poor performances” For the fans this is the ultimate slap in the face for they feel almost personally insulted. People lose matches everyday and it not possible for her to win every time she plays, but her fans expect nothing but victory. Never has Venus lost a match and her fans accept it as a mere lost. For them her losses are epic, disastrous and should not have happened in the first place.

Leontyne Price, the great and glorious American opera singer, once commented about her fans. She said (I am paraphrasing here) that the voice is such a unique thing, individualized to us all. It is such a wonderful thing as well that it causes certain emotions and reactions unique to each person and as such, people may claim “ownership” of sorts to another voice. So strong is this sense of ownership that people are personally affronted if “the voice” that they hold in high regard does anything which is not to their liking. It is this same sense of proprietorship that Venus Williams fanz has and it is what has driven us to sheer madness and emotional lows.

However, in retrospect, there is much to be proud about with Venus. She has been on the tour since 1994/1995 and still at the top of her game. She made it to the US Open semifinals and was very much in the thick of things without any match play since early July at Wimbledon. She has kept  her nose clean…there are no scandalous photos or tapes of Ms. Williams around…she has not been involved in any sort of drugs and despite all the injuries she has suffered, she is soldiers on for the sport of tennis. Yet we are disappointed when she does not win. She made it to the Round of 16 or better in every tournament she played this year….as a matter of fact, other than the French Open where she lost in the Round of 16, she has made the quarterfinals or better and she did it all being an old gal at 29/30. Serena, Kim, Maria, Justine, Carolina cannot make this boast. So perhaps we should not be so harsh on Venus anymore. Perhaps we need to make her life not our perspiration but our inspiration. We should not act as if it is us who is out on court working each point (I assure you watching her matches, I feel every single stroke, points won and/or lost) but use it to fuel us towards our own pursuit of excellence.

I know people talk about the fact that she has not won a major outside of Wimbledon since 2001…but Nadal has 9 majors, five of which are from the French….NO ONE GETS IN HIS FACE about that. As for Kim, all the potential she has, she has only won at the US Open and she has choked at so many majors, they are too numerous to count. Therefore, we here at RTFN would like to resurrect Venus Williams…bring her back from the dead…reinstate her true name and wish her continued success on the tour as long as she wishes to play. (I know it is mighty big of me but I tell you, I have ran out of hateration for her so I might as well show some love.)

 

Anyway, we shall move on to other news. The rain seriously affected play and this is why I think the US Open should really adopt the French Open policy of play on the 1st Sunday. This way, all 1st round matches would be wrapped up by the end of Tuesday’s play. Now today is the 4th day and ladies’ 2nd round matches yet to be completed and Men’s matches have not started. Andy Murray was slated on Ashe to play is 1st round match on Wednesday night. WTF?? Anywho, I guess we might as well deal with the other ladies matches. Of course because of the rain, most of the matches were not completed. Aga Radwanska made easy work of her opponent as did LiNaLi. The results were as followed:

Slaone Stephens was just sticking… as in breadsticking it to Urszula Radwanska… she could barely see straight

Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (32) def. Ashleigh Barty 6-4, 6-0;
Li Na (5) def. Sofia Arvidsson 6-1, 6-1;
Carla Suarez Navarro (18) def. CoCo Vandeweghe 6-3, 6-4;
Agnieszka Radwanska (3) def. Maria-Teresa Torro-Flor 6-0, 7-5;
Laura Robson (30) def. Caroline Garcia 6-4, 7-6 (5);
Zheng Jie def. Venus Williams 6-3, 2-6, 7-6 (5).
Sloane Stephens (15) def. Urszula Radwanska 6-1 6-1

LiNaLi is looking quite confident at these championships

On the men’s side, I think all of the 1st round matches were completed. There were no real surprises were for that matter expect I guess from two Americans. That Rajeev Ram (who I think is perhaps one of the most unprettiest man on tour….I am not being a real hater here) beat Fabio Fognini, the 16th seed, in straight sets and in such a convincing manner was totally unexpected. It was a breadstick and two two-piece meals. The other American was James Blake. Now James Blake is set to retire after this US Open. To be honest, I have not always been a great fan of his. I met him once and thought he was kinda cocky and rather cold. That is okay. However, the thing was that his on court antics were very much brattish at times. I know he has been plagued with injuries but for the most part, he, I felt, was very lazy. He became that typical American male player with that sense of unjustified entitlement. He had a lot to learn if he wanted to really succeed and he learnt very little. Also he grew up in a tennis era when the likes of Mr. Federer, Divadal, Djoker and Lochness Monster are/were at their peak.  So he is not the only player who has not had major success. Anyway, James was up 2 sets on Ivo Karlovic and then lost the match. WTF? WTMFF?? In the final two sets, they played tiebreakers and James only won 4 points altogether. Come on James!!

Goodbye James, I am not sure if you would be missed. Meanwhile, Mary-Jo what the hell are you wearing?

Meanwhile, 3rd seed Lochness Monster knocked out Michael Llodra 6-2 6-4 6-3 and begins his title defense. In other results:

Marcos Baghdatis def. Go Soeda 6-4, 6-3, 6-1;
Alexandr Dolgopolov def. David Goffin 6-2, 6-4, 6-4;
Kevin Anderson (17) def. Daniel Brands 7-5, 4-6, 6-2, 6-3;
Mikhail Youzhny (21) def. Nicolas Mahut 6-4, 6-4, 7-6 (4);
Somdev Devvarman def. Lukas Lacko 4-6, 6-1, 6-2, 4-6, 6-4;
Tim Smyczek def. James Duckworth 3-6, 6-2, 6-4, 6-1;
Andreas Seppi (20) def. Xavier Malisse 6-3, 3-6, 7-5, 7-5;
Peter Gojowczyk def. Igor Sijsling 7-6 (7), 2-6, 6-4, 6-1;
Juan Martin del Potro (6) def. Guillermo Garcia-Lopez 6-3, 6-7 (5), 6-4, 7-6 (7);
Lleyton Hewitt def. Brian Baker 6-3, 4-6, 6-3, 6-4;
Stanislas Wawrinka (9) def. Radek Stepanek 7-6 (2), 6-3, 6-2;
Evgeny Donskoy def. Jurgen Melzer (29) 7-5, 6-3, 7-6 (3);
Leonardo Mayer def. Victor Hanescu 7-6 (4), 6-4, 3-6, 7-6 (4);
Marcel Granollers def. Jurgen Zopp 6-1, 3-6, 1-6, 6-3, 6-4;
Rajeev Ram def. Fabio Fognini (16) 6-1, 6-2, 6-2.

Juan Martin Del Potro is my dark horse to win this if Mr. Federer cannot

Look who is back and lurking around in these parts… Marcos Fatdatis

As I look out the window right now, the sky is overcasted with those grey smoggy looking clouds so I am not sure how much play might get on its way today. Anyway, I hope you all have enjoyed this entry. Do not forget to COMMENT PLEASE (Good, bad and ugly. Just not offensive/racist/illogical) and SPREAD the word.

Utter nonsense!

I do not understand why the USTA do not invest in tarp to cover the courts when it rains. I mean this is ridiculous. It will cut down the drying time significantly and get play on its way quicker

Oh lookie, it’s Lochness Monster. The tennis bag looks cool. (I am trying to accentuate his positives)

What did you say Judy? I said stop hogging the camera you gold digging trifling tart.

I think Dani’ Lochness Monster’s hitting partner is kinda cute and he can definitely get it BUT it won’t work out because I do not like his employer

Can we just look at this one more time? I mean I swear this skirt is a one of Red Foo’s boxers that she removed the crotch.

Yes, go up further…the cramp is definitely further up…. yeahhhhhh that feels real nice.

 

Wimbledon 2013: Manic Monday

Sabine Lisicki, the French Open champion slayer!

Yeah gurl, I am like WTF too??

I have always hated Mondays. Since a child, Mondays was the worst day to look forward to. It spoils the freedom of Sunday because of it inevitable arrival the next day. And this end Monday of Wimbledon, where all 16 Round of 16 matches are played for singles, made me hate Mondays even more. I do not even know what to say about this day. I mean the only upset of the day…. the ONLY ONE is the UPSET. I would not have ever imagined that the Serenanator would have gone out like this. I know that Lisicki is a good player…but the Serenanator is clearly better. I am at a lost for words. You know my mood was considerably dampened by this result. It is not just the fact that the Serenanator lost (at least Venus gets to keep one record to herself of 35 win match streak). However, it was the fact that everyone I hold so near and dear to my heart is not here for me to cheer. I have cleared my calender, took time off from work and what do I get, a possible final between Djoker v Lochness Monster or worst, Bratzwanska v Bartoli. Are you fcuking kidding me? What kinda rubbish is the tennis gods pour out from their heavens. This has been an utter mess of a major. I mean even Divadal is out and you know how much I can do without his company.

Maybe they’re right. There must be sugar in the grass. Perhaps Sugarpova??

Who me? I did not put any Superpova in the grass. I pinky swear it……Now I am not saying someone else did not put it as per my instructions but I did not pour my diabetes inducing candy on Centre Court.

 

I guess the tennis gods are perhaps righting some wrong because all of then current French Open champions that Lisicki took out, were all improbable winners. Kuzi, LiNaLi, Shriekapova and now the Serenanator. No one of these players, perhaps with the exception of Kuzi Rex, were ever known for being clay court specialist. However, at the French Open, they totally dominated the surface and could have fooled even the wise observer that clay was a natural part of their game. I guess I should be at peace somewhat but I really cannot deal with this nonsense. I want this thing to be over and for us to pretend that Wimbledon 2013 NEVER HAPPENED at all. Who is with me?

I mean other than the fact that the Serenanator lost yesterday, the higher seed won. There were no other upsets. I could not believe it. I was hoping that perhaps Youzhny would have knock Murray out but the Chernobyl Disaster as per the norm, had a melt down. People Jerzy Janowicz and Lukas Kubot as in the quarters and either one of them will be in the semis of Wimbledon. WTF?? WTMFF?? This cannot be happening.

Anyway, here are the results… I cannot talk anymore

15		M. Bartoli	6	6
		K. Knapp	2	3
4		A. Radwanska	4	6	6
		T. Pironkova	6	3	3
17		S. Stephens	4	7	6
		M. Puig	6	5	1
6		N. Li	6	6
11		R. Vinci	2	0
		L. Robson	66	5
		K. Kanepi	78	7
1		S. Williams	2	6	4
23		S. Lisicki	6	1	6
20		K. Flipkens	77	6
		F. Pennetta	62	3
8		P. Kvitova	77	6
19		C. Suarez Navarro	65	3

1		N. Djokovic	6	6	77
13		T. Haas	1	4	64
7		T. Berdych	77	65	6	6
		B. Tomic	64	77	4	4
		F. Verdasco	6	6	6
		K. De Schepper	4	4	4
8		J. del Potro	6	77	6
23		A. Seppi	4	62	3
2		A. Murray	6	77	6
20		M. Youzhny	4	65	1
4		D. Ferrer	63	78	6	6
		I. Dodig	77	66	1	1
		L. Kubot	4	6	3	6	6
		A. Mannarino	6	3	6	3	4
24		J. Janowicz	3	77	6	4	6
		J. Melzer	6	61	4	6	4

Wimbledon 2013 Day 6

 

YEAHHHHH I’m going to the 2nd week of Wimbledon

So Day 6 of Wimbledon is always exciting because it determines the last set of players to make it to 2^nd Monday when all 16 4^th round matches are played. It is one of the biggest days in tennis. Typically or I should say for the other 3 majors, the matches are always staggered by halves of the respective draws until the semifinals. Anyway, there were several matches to be finished which were carried over from Day 5. So let us deal with those first. I guess the good thing about no play on the Middle Sunday is that players whose matches were carried over from Friday have at least one day’s rest and should be recharged for Monday’s main event. I kinda feel like I am forgetting to tell you something but I am not entirely sure what it is. Perhaps my brain is all fried at this point. I lack sleep and right now I am so hungry but I do not want to spoil my diet and have a meal at this hour. It is the summer and one cannot hide under the layers of coats and sweaters.

Kvitova is getting her life together. With a smile like this, it is hard to see why I call her GHW

Anywho, let us get to the tennis. On the ladies side, Petra Kvitova got her life together when her match resumed on Saturday. She quickly dealt with Makarova who as we all know can be a dangerous floater. Kvitova is through to the Round of 16 for the 4 straight years at least I think. She always seems to have a good run at Wimbledon despite sucking everywhere else. GHW Kvitova 6-3 2-6 6-3. Now before we go on, I was informed by one of my fanz that there is this very very vicious rumour going around that Kvitova dumped her lil boyfriend and might be cuddling up with Radek Stepanek….I just vomited a lil in my mouth. I mean seriously… I am not substantiating this rumour or anything but WTF?? WTMFF?? Who the hell is this guy? I mean, he is one of the ugliest things on tour….oh okay, perhaps I am not supposed to say that he is ugly as we are all God’s creatures…But good heavens is this guy unpretty? How is it that he is bagging these ladies? Nicole Viadisova, Martina Hingis and now possibly Petra Kvitova? Hold up! Hold up! I mean clearly drugs are involved. Martina Hingis…hello…The thing is, if any of this is true about Petra and Shark Boy, is that Radek is a married man. He is married to Nicole who inexplicably gave up her career to be a housewife. It should be noted that whenever Radek gets with a lady on tour, her tennis suffers tremendously as a result.

Stephens again having a nice run at the majors

Anyway, Sloane Stephens (17) finished off Petra Cetkovska in the 3^rd set 6-4. Stephens who had dropped the 2^nd set 0-6, showed some guts which she only seem to display at majors this year. Anyway, she is through to her 1^st Round of 16 at Wimbledon. Pironkova, another player who seem to come alive at majors, in particular this major, is also through to the Round of 16. She beat Petra Martic 6-1 4-6 6-2. Pironkova is through to her 3^rd Round of 16 at Wimbledon if I am not mistaken. Monica Puig has extended her run of good fortunes at this major as she made it to the 2^nd week. She took out Birnerova 4-6 6-3 6-4. I am really happy for the Puerto Rican. 14^th Sam Stosur looked poised to have a good run at Wimbledon but you know Sam and how anti-success she can be. With a game tailor made for the grass, she always has better luck on the clay than grass. Anyway, she won the 1^st set 6-4 but then lost her way as Sabine Lisicki who seems to love the grass, came back blazing 6-2 6-1. Losicki is in another round of 16 at Wimbledon. Last year, she won over Shriekapova.

Sabine in sweet form at these Championships

Other winners include Laura Robson who has finally given the British crowd something to cheer about on the ladies side. She took out Marina Erakovic of New Zealand who if I am not mistaken, served for the match. However, Robson came back to take the whole thing in 3 sets. Robson 1-6 7-5 6-3. Last year’s finalist Aggie Radwanska (4) has been quietly moving through the draw without much fanfare and this is just the way she likes it. She took on American Madison Keys who I was hoping would have caused the upset but Bratzwanska proved to be too much for the teenager and Radwanska is through to the 4^th round 7-5 4-6 6-3. Kaia Kanepi took out another American teenager Riske in straight sets 6-2 6-3. Meanwhile Roberta Vinci (11) is also through to the Round of 16 as she took out 18^th seed Dominika Cibulkova in straight sets 6-1 6-4. This is a somewhat surprising result because Vinci has not really shown much prowess to do much on grass and Cibulkova is a player with a lot of potential. However, Cibulkova loves pace and Vinci can give you a lot of “junk” and most definitely is not about power play.

Thanks for coming Granny Goodness… Now go bake me up cookies. The tennis court is not place for a lady like you

The two remaining 3^rd round match ups saw the Serenanator and LiNaLi getting through to the 4^th round. The Serenanator took out Granny Goodness Date-Krumm 6-2 6-0. This really was no contest but Granny did well to get to this round. LiNaLi was another story. I would have loved for Klara Zakopalova to get through to the next round but LiNaLi got her life together. Klara (32) took the 1^st set 6-4 but got bagelled in the 2^nd 0-6. In the 3^rd set they played 14 games and Li came out on top 8-6. I think Klara is capable of being a real contender on tour but as always these young ones always seem to lose their way to the top.

All of my greatest threats have been bounced. I am in it to win it

On the men’s side, matters were more or less routine. Djoker (1) dispatched of Chardy (28) in straight sets 6-3 6-2 6-2. Meanwhile, Fiery Ferrer (4) was a bit cold against Dolgopolov (28) but pulled through in 5 sets 6-7 7-6 2-6 6-1 6-2. Dolgopolov would do well to work on his game and his focus his energy on career. He has such potential. A fanz explained to me that Dolgopolov loves the drink and once for certain showed up for a match drunk. The fanz was providing 1^st hand information but rehashed gossip  (as is so frequently published on blogs….of course no such rehashed rubbish is ever posted on this prestigious publication)

Tommy Haas is all excited that he is through to the 4th round of Wimbledon. Unfortunately, he faces Djoker

13^th seed Tommy Haas took out FeFe Lopez in 4 sets 4-6 6-2 7-5 6-4. I expected a bigger fight from Lopez but I guess in the end he had other issues to worry about seeing as his X Divadal is out vacationing and guess who just lost, yep Juan Monaco. Monaco (22) inexplicably lost to Kevin De Schepper from France 4-6 6-7 4-6. I do not know what the hell is going on in Monaco’s life but he has been well off the plot this year.

FeFe Lopez got bounced by the German

His mind is elsewhere

This is what has his mind all over the place

Juan Martin Del Potro (8) won over Greg Zemlja 7-5 7-6 6-0 and 7^th seed Berdshite also won over lengthy Kevin Anderson (27) 3-6 6-3 6-4 7-5. In perhaps the only major upset of the day, Richard Gasquet (9) was bounced from the tournament 6-7 7-5 5-7 6-7 to Bernard Tampomic. This is quite shocking because none of the seeded Frenchmen are around, which means that Benoit Paire (25) lost to Lukas Kubot in straight sets 1-6 3-6 4-6. There was another retirement as Dodig moved through to the 4^th round when his opponent Sijsling retired after being down 0-6 1-6 0-1. Other winners include 5 set king Andreas Seppi (23) who knocked out Nishikori 3-6 6-2 6-7 6-1 6-4. Seppi seems to love playing 5 set matches. Mikhail Youzhny (20) and Fernando Tabasco Verdasco are both through to the 4^th round. They have a lot in common. They have a lot of potential but mainly try to suck at tennis so badly you find it impossible to believe that they were ever in the top 10 at one point in their career. Youzhny took out Troicki in straight sets as did Verdasco when he bounced Ernest Gulbis (talk about another wasted talent).

Had you shown this level of tenacity on court, perhaps you might have done better

Bonehead Benoit. He lost the match and now going to lose his money

There will I hope be a preview issue for the round of 16 match up where I will try to give some sorta insights into the Monday Madness as well as my predictions. Do not get to Follow this blog and also COMMENT!

Yes I won two games. Thank the tennis gods for small miracles

And weave is flowing… This lion definitely needs taming

For you Tiann

Which one of you motherfcukers farted in the royal box? I don’t smell anything

Gurl do me now. Remember not too much red on this side… it does not bring out my eyes

Bernard being a bad bad bad boy

So he’s on his knees and there’s balls out in the open…..all of the elements are there but why isn’t this picture right?

Day 4 of Wimbledon 2013

Day 4 proved to be a better day for seeded players as no major upsets occurred unless you count the rains which finally came and put an end to nearly half of the day’s scheduled matches. Nonetheless, matches were played.

Apparently the rain isn’t in Spain

On the ladies’ side, the Serenanator put an end to any upset bug spreading at Wimbledon when she dealt with the Frenchwoman Caroline Garcia. This was the 2^nd major in a row that they were meeting in the 2^nd round and it was a 2^nd spanking for the Frenchwoman. Serena 6-3 6-2. 4^th seed Bratzwanska also won comfortably over her Mathilde Johansson another Frenchwoman. LiNaLi (6) had a drop in the brain as she fought off Simona Halep 6-2 1-6 6-0 to move through to the 3^rd round. 11^th and 14^th seed Vinci and Stosur are also through to the 3^rd round. It is surprising that Stosur has got this far at Wimbledon as she has always struggled on the grass. She could meet the Serenanator in the Round of 16 if they both progressed to that stage. Stosur has pegged the American in their last two major meetings.

Gurl this wear is a real mess. You need to fix this STAT

What’s in the bag Patty? Serenanator and I have plans later….if you know what I mean. WINK WINK

 

Why hasn’t this girl washed this ridiculous dye out of her hair as yet??

 

Moaning Mona Barthel most certainly wanted to flush herself down a toilet because her game stunk!!

 

Roberta Vinci. I do not know why she always looks like someone’s grandmother

 

Cibulkova

 

Madison Keys

 

Granny Goodness

 

LiNaLi finally got her life together

 

Also looking to be in splendid form is Sabine Lisicki (23) who has always enjoyed a nice run on the grass at Wimbledon. She took out Vesnina in straight sets and will move into the 3^rd round. Other seeded players who made it through include Dominika Cibulkova (18) and Klara Zakopalova (32). Granny Goodness Kimiko Date-Krumm at the age of 42 has made it through to the 3^rd round of a major. She will however play the Serenanator for a place in the Round of 16. By way of upsets, both the 24^th seed, Shuai Peng and 30^th seed, Moaning Mona Barthel were knocked out of the draw by two up and coming players, New Zealand’s Marina Erakovic and American Madison Keys.

Look at those legs for Lisicki

On the men’s side of the draw, top seed Djoker Harlequeen got through his match somewhat comfortably albeit he had to play it under the closed roof of Centre Court. He took the last American man in the draw, Bobby Reynolds in straight sets.

Hey gurl!!

Bust a move!!!

By this time, both James Blake and Denis Kudla had already been eliminated from the tournament. You know it is problem when American men are struggling to win matches on grass. Anyway, 7^th seed, Berdshite (he beat my baby Daniel Brands…as if Berdshite needs more reason for me to dislike him) and 8^th seed Beast Boy Del Potro also moved through to the 3^rd round in straight sets. Although for a minute, Del Potro took a walkabout but he did not lose a set as the 9^th seed Richard Gasquet did in his match. Gasquet, however, won his encounter and moved to the next round. He has had some success on the grass in the past so he is looking to continue that trend. 12^th seed Kei Nishikori also won. 17^th seed Milos Raonic lost in straight sets to Dutch Igor Sijsling and I think it is time we write off Raonic as another potential talent that went to the planet of Nowhere. He seems to only have strength for Mr. Federer on the tour level but continues to struggle everywhere else. Perhaps we are being too harsh on him but I eagerly await for me to prove me wrong.

Beast Boy is through to the 3rd round

Huh? What’s going on here? Can someone help me find my way home?

Two other players withdrew on the men’s side and this time a pair of Frenchmen; Michael Llodra and Paul-Henri Mathieu. This brings the total number of retirement at this year’s Wimbledon to 12 and we have yet to complete the 2^nd round. We are one shy of the record of 13 from Wimbledon 2008. Feliciano Lopez is through to the 3^rd round due to Mathieu’s retirement. Andrea Seppi (23) benefitted from Llodra’s withdrawal as he moved through to the 3^rd round. Llodra retired from his singles match to later play doubles with Nicolas Mahut and they moved through to the next round when one of their opponents retired. Llodra stated that his hamstring being precarious at this stage, faced less uncertainty when he plays doubles because he only has to cover half the court. I guess since many players often default from doubles when they have a nice singles run, we should not be too surprised that the opposite can occur. Nonetheless, we are not a huge fan of Llodra in these parts, so I would just say to Llodra “WHATEVER! Ain’t nobody got time for that!” Mr. Shriekapova aka Dimitrov, is locked in a battle down 8-9 in the 5^th set and was getting ready to serve to stay in the match when the rains came. He resumes his match early tomorrow.

Hotness Lopez

I put a picture here of Kei for one of my fanz…. a lil tongue action for you

I am just gonna have a lil snack break of grass

Hmmm

10.0 for Grigor Dimitrov

And his “girlfriend” definitely likes what she see

OMG, this is a real life black person in our midst. I have never touched one of you before. Are you understanding what I am saying?

Anyway I think we have finally got it and back on schedule! Please do not forget to follow Realz on Twitter, like on Facebook and also Follow this blog!