2015 Australian Open: Day 1 of Horrors!

Hey y’all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open. I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don’t get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

So the 2015 Australian Open has officially begun! And boy or gurl or lady depending on who you are, was it an explosive first day, particularly on the women’s side. It was as though a cyclone or something ripped through the draw as the top seeds were being scattered left, right and center. These female underlings were gunning for the top seeds and trying to get that 2^nd round money because it is definitely more than the cheque for the 1^st round. Things were so massive that we do not even have time to chit chat, we have to go right to main story! 

Of the 16 seeded players from the bottom half who took to court to play their 1^st round matches, EIGHT of them lost. That’s right, 8/16, half of them, 50% of them were sent packing; dismissed; bid adieu; arrivederci or as they say in Australia, goodbye! It was amazing and shocking to a certain extent and I have seen a lot of tennis. I mean granted that several of them were not really surprises or upsets in my book. However, the sheer magnitude of the fallout was too epic to go unnoticed.

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN’S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

So let’s look at the damage done. The highest seed to fall was Ana Ivanovic (5) aka Ivanovic the Terrible. Now Ana took on Lucie Hradecka (pronounced Herdeskka, I know but it is Czech if I am not mistaken) Anyway, Ana was cruising 6-1 in the 1^st set and I swore she was going to sail through this match. However, we all know how Ivanovic the Terrible be showing up and wrecking Ana’s life and sure enough out came doppelganger. Ana’s ball toss was all over the place for the serve. She was stretching like it was Pilates class out there and Hradecka was enjoying the free points and nice cracks at the silly serves. Hradecka then wrapped up the match 1-6 6-3 6-2! Needless to say that Ana tried to stall things by going up to the chair umpire several times mid-game. She can never lose gracefully #checkyourpressuregurl

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please! Get out of my head!

After Ana was sent home, then came Carebear Kerber (9) who was off kilter from the beginning of the match v Irina-Camelia Begu. Begu was serious about the upset from the very start. She got the early breaks and though Kerber broke back, Begu was undeterred as she took the 1^st set 6-4. Begu got broken early in the 2^nd set and decided smartly I guess to tank the set altogether. She did enough to make Angie work for it and gave away the set at love. However, in the 3^rd set, she unleashed her reserves and Angie was left scrambling at the back of the court. She returned the kindness of the bagel from Angie with a breadstick for the German. Begu bagged the upset win 6-4 0-6 6-1.

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Two other big upsets were Lucie Safarova (16) aka Lady Gollum and Carla Suarez-Navarro (17). Safarova can be a dangerous floater but it seemed that she drew another dangerous floater in the form of Yaroslava Shvedova for a 1st round match. Shevedova came out inspired to score the upset on the 1^st day and succeeded as she dismissed the Czech 6-4 2-6 8-6. Carla was just disappointing all around. She did not even put up much of a fight as some Carina Witthoeft took her out 3-6 1-6. To be honest I am not even going to shed any tears for Carla because I will never forget that Aussie Open 2009 when she took out Granny Vee in the 2^nd round.

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Two veteran players, Svetlana Kuznetsova (27) aka Kuzi-Rex and Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki, got outplayed by two French women, Caroline Garcia and Kristina Mladenovic respectively. Kuzi-Rex was just not in the game at all. She allowed Garcia to take the upperhand in the match from the jump and only broke her in order to save face. Garcia nonetheless got the win 6-4 6-2. Mladenovic had a tougher time against Lose-sicki as she dropped the opening set 4-6. However, after trading breaks early in the 2^nd set, Mladenovic consolidated finally and kept on holding to take the match 4-6 6-4 6-2.

I don’t know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

The final two of the top seeds to get bounced are not really upsets in my book but by virtue of the rankings, they do register as “upsets”. Julia Goerges played a great match from start to finish to take out Belinda Bencic (32) in straight sets 6-2 6-1 and Yanina Wickmayer steadied herself after losing the opening set 4-6 to knock out Anastasia Fattychunkova (23) 4-6 6-3 6-3. And like I said, although we have to call these upsets because of the rankings, it is really not that serious. Bencic and Fattychunkova were not going to do anything anyway.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey (head of the WTA) I don’t lose to scrubs in early round of majors. That’s Serena. Don’t get it twisted!

Well not that we took care of the “big losers” we can talk about the “big winners”. Martha Shriekapova (2) and Simona Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide were both looking rusty as hell in their opening round matches. Neither was in danger of losing the match. However, perhaps if they were playing a more seasoned opponent, things could have been interesting. Nonetheless, they both won their matches in straight sets and through to the 2^nd round. Martha 6-4 6-1 over Petra Martic and Halep 6-3 6-2 over Karin Knapp.

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Genie Bouchard (7) who has to defend her semifinal points from last year, is one step closer as she took out Anna-Lena Friedsam 6-2 6-4. I am not sure she will get back to the semis but she as hell did not lose in the 1^st round so good of her. Another winner is Ekaterina Makarova (10) [I do not even realize she was ranked so high on the charts]. Anyway Makarova took out An-Sophie (I mean seriously that is her name) Mestach 6-2 6-2. Sara Errani (14) dismantled American Grace Min 6-1 6-0 in less than an hour.

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn’t fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life! And congrats on the win!

Other notable winners include 2014 US Open semifinalist Shuai Peng (21) and Pliskova (22) both won in straight sets. Zarina Diyas (31) took out Aga Lite aka Urszula Radwanska in 3 sets. Roberta Vinci beat Bojana Jovanovski in straight sets as Bethanie Mattek-Sands overcame her opponent Ying-Ying Duan in 3 sets. American Christina McFail was near the exit when she had an opportune bout of nausea resulting in a Medical Time Out. Of course she recovered in time to hold serve like a boss against Frenchwoman Stephanie Foretz. McFail got her act together to win the match 12-10 in the final set. Again these ladies resorting to tricks whenever their backs are up against the wall! These trainers should have to give a full report upon each visit to the court and if the illness is not “real and/or possible” the player has to pay a fine. They are getting too ridiculous with these MTOs now.

That was a great read Realz

On the men’s side, things were far more copacetic than it was on the women’s side. In fact, I think there was only 1 major casualty and again if we look at the big picture, it was no real surprise. However, let’s deal with the usual suspects first.

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair .. or at least whatever is left of it

Divadal may try telling the world that he is not a favourite for this Aussie Open title, but like all things coming out of Divadal’s mouth regarding his health and fitness, it is a lie straight from the pit of tennis hell. Divadal (3) came out against Mikhail Youzhny on fire. Youzhny who is no real slouch most of the times, really had no answer against the Spaniard. Divadal was hitting winners from all over the court in the most impossible and improbable positions. The commentators from both ESPN and EuroSport were beside themselves. It was a circle jerk at times how they were fawning over Divadal. They talked about how his shorts were “the shortest ever”, they talked about how they “missed him so much” and even about this look and body. It was too much. Anyway, Divadal is through 6-3 6-2 6-2.

I am back to full force and don’t none of you bitches forget that!

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer (2) again appears on target to extend his 11-year run to the Aussie Open semifinal or better stage. He took out Yen-Hsun Lu in straight sets 6-4 6-2 7-5. Lochness Murray (6) made a meal of his match against Yuki Bhambri but in the end he won in straight sets 6-3 6-4 7-6(3). Berdshite (7) also made life a bit difficult for himself against Alejandro Falla but he still got the job done in 3 sets, 6-3 7-6(1) 6-3. Grigor Dimitrov (10) aka Martha’s Bulgarian handbag had an easy day at the office when he took out German-Jamaican Dusty Brown 6-2 6-3 6-2. The worst part of the matter was that Dusty Brown thought he was going to factor in this match. He at one point appeared as though he was trying to do something of interest on the court. Thankfully Dimitrov got his clutch together and snapped those foolish desires away.

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Other winners included Kevin Anderson (14) who at 6’8” (2.03m) took on an opponent more than a foot beneath him, Diego Schwartzman who is 5’7” (1.7m). Anderson still had to fight for his life as Schwartzman was digging at his heels. Anderson took the match in 4 sets. David Goffin (20) aka the Hobbit also won in 4 sets over American Mike Russell. Most of the top seeds won their matches in straight sets including Philipp Kohlschreiber (22), Ivo Karlovic (23), Richard Gasquet (24), Leonardo Mayer (26) and Martin Klizan (32). Lukas Rosol (28) who at 6’5” (1.96m) had the rare opponent whose face he had to look up to see, Kenny DeScheppers, 6’8” (2.03m). It was a virtual battle of the giants. However, Rosol eked out the win in 5 sets to advance to the 2^nd round. A possible 3^rd round encounter with Divadal looms in the draw if both players can win their next match.

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

There were several matches with winners that should be of some interests to some people. Lukas Lacko, Jurgen Melzer and Viktor Troicki were all winners on Day 1. Melzer came through from qualification showing  some Q3 (final round) heroics on the court. So good of him to come back from the brink of defeat in the qualies  and win a maindraw match to make some 2^nd round money. Troicki who won Sydney this past weekend faced the winner from Auckland, Jiri Vesely. Unfortunately, someone had to go home and it was Vesely in 4 sets. Jeremy Chardy (29) escaped a youthful Borna Coric who seemed to have thought that enthusiasm made up for experience. Coric took the 1^st set but then played the big points poorly for the rest of the match. Chardy thus capitalized on his inexperience to take the match in 4 sets.

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major. He made life very easy for Chardy. Nonetheless, the 18-year is still HOT

Another interesting result is that of Andreas Seppi v Denis Istomin. This first round encounter was their 5^th meeting at a major and in each of the 4 previous matches, they all went the distance. They both won 2 matches a piece. This 5^th match was no different as it again went to a decisive 5^th set. Seppi won it this time around and moved through to the 2^nd round. In other news and more so from the rumour mill, Divadal’s boo, Juan Monaco, Pico, lost to Italian Simone Bollelli. Please note that the rumour is not that Monaco lost but the fact that he is Divadal’s boo.

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic? I thought you said I shouldn’t go after stupid boys

As we are in Australia at the Australian Open, I think it prudent that we note the achievements of the Aussie men because we all know that the Aussie ladies be a mess in Melbourne. Several of the local favourites extended their stay in Melbourne including the hotness that is Sam Groth. So happy he is sticking around some more. Marinko Matosevic and James Duckworth also won and will play in the 2^nd round. Bernard Tomic aka Tampomic was in a bit of trouble against Tobias Kamke of Germany but it seems that Kamke was merely wasting time. He had difficulty holding onto any of the leads that he had and eventually got sweeped aside in 4 sets.

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st “major” seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Now there were two other matches which produced a lot of joy and excitement for the local crowd. Thanasi Kokkinakis and fellow Greek-Aussie Nick Kyrgios aka St. Nicky Kripsy Kringles both won tough 5-set matches. Kokkinakis took out Ernests Gulbis (11). I know Gulbis would not disappoint me by being disappointing in this opening round match. I have no idea why Gulbis lost this match other than to say that it was his entire entire fault. Kokkinaskis took it 5-7 6-0 1-6 7-6(2) 8-6. Krispy Kringles had his own dramatics calling out the trainer to deal with his “back”. He was struggling against Frederico Delbonis (the name sounds familiar but I do not know who he is either). Anyway, Kringles won 7-6(2) 3-6 6-3 6-7 6-3.

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

Anyway, that is enough about the matches! We look forward to Day 2. I hope it is nowhere near as crazy as this first day. That is to say, I hope the Williams Sisters do not lose. They have signed up for doubles and I have no idea why Granny Vee is adding more work to her schedule considering that she has Sjogren but you know I am not even going to touch this right now. Don’t forget that Slowe Stephens v Vickie is slated! Should be a very interesting match to say the least! Anyway fanz enjoy the posting and DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT!!

BIG PICTURE MIXED BAG IS BACK

I am so excited that this is back!!

 #TeamHotties

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Grigor’s stock have gone down as of late especially since he’s playing “house” with Martha but he can still get it.

Andreas Seppi isn’t looking at his best but he cannot get any worst! This Italian sausage is a sure bet on #teamcandefinitelygetit

We are not here for Divadal. He is just giving Fake Fire Ferrer more shine!

Tabasco Verdasco has definitely sen better days but he is still able to make the rounds as a resident hottie in these parts

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

#TeamCutie

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

#TeamNottie

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you’re a grown man

See he could be on #teamhottie

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

I don’t know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she’s definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

Am I wrong?

MIXED BAG PHOTOS

There is nothing I love more than when Tennis Players meet for an event. Here we have the IMG Agency party and so much goodies here for Realz to get it. 

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He’s a nightmare right about now! He has definitely been traded

Look at Heather. I don’t get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain’t cute! And let’s talk about that dress. That’s some avant garde upholstery fabric sewed together with some old pleather jacket and you trying to pass it off as fashion. #Gurlbye

I can’t even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. The clothes are cute but she is not making them work. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better. Meanwhile, I don’t know why the front of the jeans are bunching up like there is extra junk in that compartment. That was not a read, just being realz! #truthdotcom

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can’t get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that. 

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend (cause no way in hell a good friend let this happen) said, gurl let’s go to this party down the block, just put on some shoes and let’s go. So Genie just stuck her nightgown top into this pajama bottom shorts and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. Guess Again! The gurl on the right, Tomlijanovic, killed it!

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a style team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she’s wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. But I can’t even be mad at the kitten heels because everything else is so RIGHT!!Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she’s 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there’s no baby.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don’t need those fake ones anymore that I have at home.

Weather Problem? 

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne or so I thought …

So why are these people wearing this? That’s a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

It’s just a gay ole time in Melbourne 

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Then we have the “Genie Army” but what I don’t get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He’s relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that’s his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don’t think Uncle Toné approves of this message

 

Wimbledon 2014: Day 3

This is how I like to think of myself when it comes to tennis … I exude absolute coolness

I guess because this is late, I cannot think of anything to tell you but the scores. I hope you folks are enjoying the blog. I have to say that I forsake sleep and exercise to get it out to you. So PLEASE COMMENT, LIKE and SHARE. It is an interesting fact that a lot of people read blogs but rarely comment. That is to say that more people read the blogs that actually do comment. So if you get like 20 comments per posting, you probably have well over 2000 readers … I mean I do not know the real science behind but I am sure the different is exponential. Most people do not notice this on the popular blogs that they read mainly because said blog has A LOT of readers. I would love for that to happen to RealzTenisFanz. Make it happen okay. I beg you.

She was a mess against Shark Boy who almost bit his wig off

So Djoker Harlequeen (1) was a mess against Shark Boy Stepanek. I mean seriously, he barely knew whether he was coming or going. Shark Boy was making him look amateur at some points. Djoker was up 5-2 in that breaker if I am not mistaken and allowed Stepanek back into the match. I have to say though that Stepanek was working his shark tail off. He really wanted a set from Djoker; something he had never done before. Well he got his wish. He won a set but he certainly did not win the match. Djoker moves through to the 3^rd round 6-4 6-3 6-7 7-6. Meanwhile, Lochness Monster just gobbled up his competition. He dropped just two games in the match 6-1 6-1 6-0.

Amelie is proud of her work so far with Lochness Monster

Berdshite (6) played another piece of mess Bernard Tampomic for a place in the 3^rd round. For a while, it looked as though Tampomic was going to get the upset as Berdshite was simply meandering around the court and barely trying to win the match. Tampomic took the 1^st set 6-4 and had looks in the next two sets. However, after the Aussie butt lost the 2^nd and 3^rd sets in the breakers, he would become dejected on court. Berdshite capitalized on this negativity and ran away with the match 4-6 7-6 7-6 6-1. Sharapova’s clutch, Dimitrov (11) was able to finish off another Australian, Luke Saville, in straight sets, 6-3 6-2 6-4. A lot of people are talking about Dimitrov like he has some chance of winning Wimbledon this year … Yeah I mean he does have a chance if food poisoning attacks the draw and leaves them debilitated. I mean anything can happen no?

YEAHHHHHHH I won the battle of the shits

Other winners on the day include Mr. Pignini (16), Kevin Anderson (20), BWLLAGWLLAB Dolgopolov (21), Chin Cilic (26), Roberto Bautista-Agut (27), Leonard Mayer who beat Marcos Fathdatis, Gilles Simon who will play Djoker in the 3^rd round as well as fellow countryman Jeremy Chardy who beat Marinko Matosevic in 5 sets.

Fake Fire Ferrer got blown out in the 2nd round AND not in a good way

There were several upsets of notable players. Fake Fire Ferrer (7) ended his run of consecutive Round of 16 or better at a major at 16 as he was dismissed in the 2^nd round by Andrey Kuznetsov in 5 sets. Kuznetsov won 6-7 6-0 3-6 6-3 6-2. It is rather shocking as one expected better of Fake Fire Ferrer. I guess that beatdown in Paris from Divadal did not help his spirits. Fake Fire Ferrer stated after that devastating lost that he basically gave up. Seems like that fighting spirit is gone. I mean he lost a set 0-6 to some scrub though Kuznetsov was the boy’s champion here back in 2009 if I am not mistaken. Anyway another bit upset was Ernest Gulbis (12) aka Goony Gulbis who got clipped by that “2^nd Round seed killer” Sergiy Stakhovsky. You might remember Stakhovsky who took out Mr. Federer last year in this same round. Now this year, he came for Gulbis, the 2014 French Open semifinalist who incidentally beat Mr. Federer in the 4^th round of the French Open this year. Stakhovsky was all over Goony Gulbis’s wig from the start as he broke him at love if I am not mistaken. Stakhovsky would lead all the way to a 6-4 6-3 7-6 victory. Gulbis would later say he in essence did not have his “A-game” for reasons he could not get into. I mean seriously gurl, ain’t nobody was checking for you to do anything special at Wimbledon. We all expected you to flap like some chicken wings and fly to nowhere fast. So whatever gurl, in the worlds of the immortal Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” Meanwhile, the ever enigmatic Mikhail Youzhny (17) lost in 4 sets to some qualifier. Here again, no one was really checking for this one but we sorta figured that these lower scrubs would have the decency to at least get to the 3^rd round or the Round of 16 but whatever. They most certainly were not relevant to the plot here at Wimbledon.

What she said!!

On the ladies side, LiNaLi (2) made easy work of Yvonne Meusburger 6-2 6-2 to move quietly through to the 3^rd round. Bratzwanska (4) took on Aussie Casey Dellacqua and was up 5-1 in the 1^st set before losing the momentum as Dellacqua broke her twice to get back on serve 4-5. However, Dellacqua got all … I don’t even know what to say, I guess she got “leotarded” as she went on to lose 7 successive games in a row. Bratzwanska moves through 6-4 6-0. Dellacqua you really could not try and lift Australia’s hopes since D’Stove went out like a candle in the wind in the 1^st round. Whatever gurl! Whatever! Anyway Grand High Witch, GHW Kvitova (6) took out Mona Barthel as though she stole something from her coven. Kvitova down 1-2 in the 1^st set, reeled 11 straight games to take the match 6-2 6-0.

Bratzwanska is quietly moving through the draw possibly heading to another Wimbledon final

GHW will take on Ebony Starr Williams (30) aka Venus in the 3^rd round. Granny Vee won 7-6⁴ 6-1 over her opponent, Kumuri Nara. Now, Granny Vee was behind nearly every stage of the match; down 0-3 in the 1^st set then 1-4 in the tiebreaker and finally down a break 0-1 in the 2^nd set. However, the very experienced lady got her life together or perhaps she realized that I was reading her for filth on RealzTenisFanz the Facebook edition as well as on Twitter. Whatever the case, she began to play the type of tennis that brought her 7 major titles. She will need to play way way way better than this to take out GHW who has a 3-1 record over the American. Actually I do not care how Granny Vee wins, just as so long as it is legal and she wins.

Granny Vee look to be her old self

Other winners include Cibuttkova (10) who rallied from 2-5 down in the 3^rd set to get past some Belgian Alison Van Uytvanck I think it is, 3-6 6-3 8-6. Danish Biscuit (16), Lady Gollum Safarova (23) and Ekaterina Makarova (22) all won in straight sets. Former Wimbledon finalist back in 2010, Vera Zvonareva beat British hopeful Tara Moore I think it is 6-4 6-7 9-7. Zvonareva twice had to fight for her life as Moore served for the match up 5-3 and 6-5 in the 3^rd set. Seems like Zvonareva finally found some backbone as she did not wither away on court. You know usually the court would be flooded with tears in these tough situations.

Tear free is Zvonareva

By way of upsets, we saw Vickie (8) being dismissed by Bojana Jovanovski 3-6 6-3 5-7. Vickie fought her way back from 1-4 in the 3^rd set but that iffy serve of her could not help her sustain the momentum. I really hope Jovanovski makes some noise and not just screaming her throat out on court. I have long liked the look of this girl, Jovanovski I mean. I really hope that she makes much of this win and not get upset in the 3^rd round because she does favour being a BBB (Basic Ball Basher). Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) also got dismissed by American Lauren Davis in straight sets, 4-6 6-7. Elena Vesnina (32) who beat Granny Vee in 2012 in the 1^st round also got sent home. You know I am all smiles about this. Other interesting losers, Coco Vandeweghe, Varvane Lepchenko, Maria Krazilenko and Yanina Wickmayer all scored upsets in the 1^st round and all got dismissed in the 2^nd round. “Gurls Bye!”

I mean Professora X says it best

Maria’s clutch Dimitrov giving you that “European scruff look” as well as a treasure trail

Yeah even I applaud myself

Chin Cilic giving you more scruff

Baby Ali

Even more chest … but something tells me the treasure not up top

Yeah you should hang your head in shame. We need to work on the tummy some more

Tomic showing his paper thin chest

Fiery Ferrer is always good for shirtless pics

The ladies trying to get into the action

Hanging low

Hmm … Hmm .. I don’t know what to say. I swear I didn’t photoshop this picture. This is Tara Moore of Great Britain. All I can said gurl is that you have way more than others

Why you here??

Shark Boy

If you look closely you can see the marks on his face left by a savage attack from the ugly stick

Moaning Mona, I thought we talk about you more Pro Activ about that face. Gurl is like you got beaten with a meat tenderizer

Honey gurl! A pink ball? I mean you didn’t have to be this obvious trying to hit on the man

Camilla throwing shade to basic bitches!

I’m having a great time here drinking … I feel so comfortable with you. I’m gonna let you in on a lil secret

What gurl? Dish it

I totally just farted and it is one of those silent deadly ones. WTF bitch? You foul gurl!

Huh? You heard me … I said it is my upper back that’s hurting not my ass

I’m gonna stick my finger up your ass. Let me know when I’ve gone too far. TOO FAR! WAY TOO FAR

Wimbledon 2014: Day 1

What do you mean we can’t get in? WTF??

Well Wimbledon 2014 started without any major news aka gossip to spread beforehand. Everything seemed to be perfect other than the fact that there were more tickets for Day 1 than there were places available. People had to be turned away from the grounds. Or so they said. Anyway, let us get right to the results because I am pressed for time. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO CHECK OUT http://www.ubitennis.com/english/?refresh_ce AND http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/  for a more realistic coverage. However, never forget to stay tuned to RealzTenisFanz for your coverage. We’re on TWITTER and FACEBOOK too. PLEASE COMMENT BELOW and provide feedback.

So the men’s

Lochness Monster is looking to continue his winning ways at Wimbledon

Lochness Monster (3) who was first up on Centre Court, won his opening round match against the lil Goblin David Goffin 6-1 6-4 7-5. The Goblin can be a lil tricky but Nessie handled him efficiently. Clearly Nessie is under a lot of pressure to do well in his home tournament since he hired a Frenchwoman, Amelie Mauresmo to help him deal with his lack of major major success. You do realize that Nessie has been the last 3 “Wimbledon” finals (2 majors and 1 Olympic) So homegurl is really looking to extend this trend. Anyway, Djoker Harlequeen (1) was feeling himself as he totally dismantled Andrey Golubev 6-0 6-1 6-4. Golubev nearly went down 6-0 6-0 but spurred on by the crowds was able to win himself 5 games to make it a respectable scoreline.

Djoker isn’t trying to muck around. He has not won a major since 2013 Aussie Open and lost 4 of the last 4 major finals. NO BUENO. He is coming for this Wimbledon crown

Berdshite (6) overcame a slow start against Victor Hanescu to move through to the 2^nd round 6-7 6-1 6-3 6-2. Of the 153 total points Berdshite won in the match, 75 of them were winners. That’s staggering as that is nearly 50% of his points. Excellent job. Will be interesting to see if the bird brain can keep this up. Anyway, Fake Fire Ferrer (7) also won in 4 sets over fellow Spaniard Pable Carreno-Busta 6-0 6-7 6-1 6-1. Sharapova’s clutch Dimitrov (11) won in straight sets over American Ryan Harrison 7-6 6-3 6-2. A pair of Russians, Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Andrey Kuznetsov, former Wimbledon Junior champion, took out a pair of young British hopefuls, Jamie Ward and Daniel Evans respectively. Youzhny won in straights 6-2 6-2 6-1 and Kuznetsov in 4 sets 6-1 7-5 3-6 7-6.

Are you calling me a douche? No I am calling you Goonie Gulbis

Other seeded players who won include Ernest Goonie Gulbis (12) in 3 tough sets over Jurgen Zopp, Fabio “Mr. Pignini” Fognini (16) over American Alex Kuznetsov in 5 sets, Kevin Anderson (20), BWLLAGWLLAB Dolgopolov (21) and Chin Cilic (26). Baby Ali Tsonga (14) has to complete his match against Jurgen Meltdown. They are locked in the 5^th set. Tsonga looked to have this match on lockdown as he won the 1^st set 6-1 and had early break points in the 2^nd set. However, he lost his way and soon found himself down 1-2 sets. He found his way and took the 4^th set and now they are in a 5^th set. Tsonga up 5-4 and will serve for the match when play resumes.

I need to come back tomorrow?? WTF??

Other notable winners were Roberto Bautista-Agut who won last week’s grass court warmup in Holland, Benjamin Becker who took out American hopeful Donald Young in straight sets 6-4 6-3 6-4, Shark Boy Stepanek who will take on Djoker in the 2^nd round, Marcos Fatdatis who dismissed Dustin Brown aka Dreddy Tennis aka the man who beat Divadal at Halle two weeks ago. Hottie Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem fizzled out as he was knocked by another youngster, Austrialian qualifier Luke Saville in 4 sets. Fellow Aussie Bernard Tampomic is also through to the 2^nd round. The man who beat Mr. Federer last year in the 2^nd round, Ukrainian Sergei Stakhovsky won in straight sets over Carlos Berloq 6-3 6-3 6-3. Not to worry Mr. Federer’s fanz, Stakhovsky is on the other side of the draw far far far away from Mr. Federer. They can only meet in the final and we all know that is very unlikely to happen. Frenchmen Gilles Simon and Jeremy Chardy are also through to the 2^nd round.

Tabasco Verdasco played like ketchup today

By way of upsets, we have Tabasco Verdasco (18) going out to the likes of Marinko Matosevic 4-6 6-4 4-6 2-6. Matosevic is the douche who had this to say about Lochness Monster hiring Mauresmo as his coach “It’s all equal rights these days. Got to be politically correct. So, yeah, someone has to give it a go. I couldn’t do it, though, since I don’t think that highly of the women’s game.” I really expected Verdasco to shut this fool up with a straight sets beatdown but I guess way too much gel in his hair addled his brains or something. Andreas Seppi (25) also went out in 5 sets to Leonardo Mayer 3-6 6-2 6-4 6-7 4-6. Vasek Pospisil (31) was sent packing by Robin Haase in 4 sets. Well these are not real upsets… I guess I should really say, seeded players got “dispersed” and no one really cares.

I wasn’t ready!!!

The Ladies,

Kvitova giving me Grand High Witch face

Things were far more routine on the ladies’s side. LiNaLi (2) of course complicated her life against a qualifier but she pulled through in the end in straight sets 7-5 6-2 over Paula Kania. GHW Kvitova (6) also came through in straight sets over Andrea Hlavakova 6-3 6-0. Other straight sets winners included Vickie (8) 6-3 7-5 over Marijana Lucic-Baroni, Dominika Cibuttkova (10), Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta (12), Lady Gollum Safarova (23) over Julia Georges 7-6 7-6, Elena Vesnina (32), Moaning Mona Barthel and Bjona Jovanovski. I have to say again that I am happy at Vickie is back. However, that serve of hers will be the death of her. She was a mess out there today against Lucic-Baroni. She is lucky that girl…well woman since Lucic-Baroni is 32 was not someone of a higher ranking because they would have been all over those measly serves.

Vickie is back in her pum pum shorts

Granny Vee who just turned 34 last week won her match in 3 sets and before people get on her case saying that she was being messy, I have to say that she was actually playing some decent tennis. Her stats were on point: she got 65% of her 1^st serves in, winning 89% of the points (41/46) and 64% on the 2^nd serve. She was up at net 20 times and won the point 18 of those times. She was 3/3 on break points with 41 winners including 11 aces and 16 errors. I mean those are some healthy numbers. Usually those are some ridiculous numbers like 1/8 on break points etc etc. Hopefully she keeps this up. And speaking of grandmothers, Granny Goodness Date Krumm was coasting against Ekaterina Makarova (22) but then got lost. She was up 5-0 in the 1^st set but could not close it out initially. She won the set 6-3. She dropped the 2^nd 4-6 and was up 2-0 in the 3^rd but unable to maintain the lead. Makarove took the match 3-6 6-4 7-5 and sent Granny Goodness home.

This ugly Spanish itch was trying to come for me!!

I mean seriously Granny Goodness is looking sexy out here… but that knee needs to be replaced

By way of upsets, we have Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) and Slowe Stephens (18). They were both ousted today to provide the tournament’s first upsets. D’Stove has yet to figure out the courts of Wimbledon despite nearly all pundits saying that her game is suited for the grass. She was knocked out in straight sets but Yanina Wickmayer 6-3 6-4. Slowe Stephens who has made decent runs in the draw at the last 6 majors was dismissed by Maria Kirilenko 6-2 7-6. This should not be of no real surprise since Stephens plays pretty poorly on tour. She was expecting her luck to carry her through to the latter stages but it was not to be the case this yr. Another upset came in the form of Coco Vandeweghe who recently won the grass court warm up tournament in Holland. She took out Garbine Muguruza (27) Serena Slayer at the French Open. Muguruza was dismissed from Wimbledon 3-6 6-3 5-7. And speaking of upsets… well more so upset stomach, Vania King aka Sailor Moon aka Saw Clown. This gurl was up 5-0 in the 1^st set only to lose then next….wait for it… the next 12 games to be down 5-7 0-5. She by the grace of God no less took the next three games but unable to deny her opponent Yvonne Meusburger the win 7-5 6-3.

You best take off those sunglasses and try to find yourself a backhand gurl

WTF is happening? This is a major. I don’t lose in the 1st round…

Well that is it for the notable winners on Day 1. Do note that four women’s matches scheduled for today were not completed: Bratzwanska (4), Danish Biscuit (16), Alien v Predator Errani (14) and Kuzi-Rex (28) all have to finish up tomorrow. Tomorrow will also see Divadal, Serenanator, Mr. Federer, the conclusion of Baby Ali’s match, Radwanska matches etc etc.. Hope you enjoyed this posting…

BIG PICTURE SHOW

Definitely some of the Hottest pictures we have had on RealzTenisFanz ever..

Even Berdshite is surprised he looks so good

Wait Realz you were talking about my hair…
No I was talking about the weave not your hair..

Venus giving us Ebony Starr Goddess here!

Look at this Ginger cookie.. I want to eat every crumb

And his name is Cox I swear!!

His name is Pospisil but I like to call him Popsicle.. and we know why..

Firey Ferrer at his best

In a certain light and made pliable with some liquor.. Jurgen Meltdown could definitely get it

Andreas Seppi… would love a sip of this fine Italian win

Pablo Carrena-Busta… I mean the nose aside… he could definitely get it

Robin Haase is a YES

Russian Evgeny Donskoy I mean come on… how can we not say DA to this

He’s a lil frustrated man but definitely a hottie

I don’t know what that finger is for but it is certainly not for number 1 ranked tennis player. Anyway, as always Vickie is a HOTTIE and a lil tongue action, what more can a boy who is into girls want

Kirilenko is serving up fish!! AMAZING

Look at Granny Goodness.. she looks really amazing

Moaning Mona, what is your excuse

She looks like a carrot that has been eaten by a horse..

I must end on Mr. Federer of course

Meanwhile Shaq is as lost as ever..

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 2

Really? You really cannot be that hot if you are wearing scuba gear outside. It must be your brain that is on fire

Well folks thus far we are definitely on track with the postings so I am indeed excited about this fact. However, I have to share a bit of misfortune for me. Now, everyone that knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with tennis. I am obsessed with tennis, opera and the Olympics…..yeah and also going to the gym (Only Goldilocks is checking for bears!) I always make it a point to mention my passion for the game of tennis as well as the fact that I have a blog. I always shamelessly try to get RealzTenisFanz out there as much as possible. So imagine my surprise when I am talking to a co-worker recently about the fact that I love tennis. She expressed her genuine shock at the fact that I love tennis for she is friends with a member of Djoker Harlequeen camp. She use to be a former supermodel working with the likes of Claudia Schiffer etc….She was big though not huge in the supermodel sense. She is a good-looking woman and her model shots are AMAZING but I digress. It gets better people… She added “You should have told me because he is always offering me tickets to the US Open! You should have told me because I would have given you the tickets! He is always offering me but I never go”

To say I was flabbergasted is not even the word. WTF? WTFF? WTMFFF?? Is she mad? Is she INSANO! How could she not know? I mean seriously, HOW?? I had to walk away because Satan was whispering evil violent things in my ears and I was ever so inclined to obey. I could not deal because for me, this was no excuse. I could not believe I was so close to being in the players’ box to wear my RealzTenisFanz T-shirt, be on TV, get publicity for this prestigious publication and be famous. I could have even been the lucky charm that Djoker Harlequeen needed to deal with Divadal on that day of the finals. And I missed all of that because of her ignorance. Can you believe the madness of the world? UTTER MADNESS! Needless to say, she was on my shit list all day long. However, come 2014, you know Realz is cashing in on this hook up!!!

Anyway, let us get to Aussie Open action. Wait, I forgot…well I was not that I forgot but it seems as though I missed this news altogether. My former model friend informed me of this. Djoker Harlequeen hired Boris Becker as his coach! Oh my berries, things are getting serious. I mean I figured that things would have to change up with Djoker as for the past 2 years, he has missed some key opportunities in at majors namely, French 2012/2013, Wimbledon 2013, US Open 2012/2013. I mean he has been a mess in big tournaments. However, I always felt that it was his faults not a coaching failure but what do I know. So he takes on a famous former big name player in his coaching corner. Marian Vajda will be taking a backseat and travel with Djoker to limited tournament. Apparently, he was influential in picking Becker as his replacement. Meanwhile, Mr. Federer hired Stefan Edberg to be in his box. We all know that Lochness Monster Murray has Ivan Lendl to help with matters. While all these former glories are trying to light up the paths for current players, Divadal has tired ole cheating Toni Nadal who I do not even think was a professional player himself but yet is kicking all these asses royally. “Isn’t this ironic?” (Alanis Morissette) There is a saying I like saying that I believe that I have coined myself; A good Mathematician isn’t necessarily a good Math teacher.”

Yeah I do not know how effective I can be but I know I would see my name more often in the papers. (Boris Becker, Djoker’s new coach 6 majors)

Mr. Federer and his new coach Stefan Edberg (6 majors)

Lochness Monster and Ivan Lendl (8 majors)

Divadal and Uncle Toni (0 majors) Just beat those bitches with their major titles

Let’s get to the results:

So the day was HOT! It was SCORCHING!! Melbourne was on fire. It was approaching near record temperatures on the grounds. I think this girl below does a way better job of expressing the heat conditions than I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8lXYWXJfHQ

Anyway, Vickie (2) was not having it at all. She looked lethargic, bothered and bloated. I do not know if it is just me but she looks out of shape. However, she is getting the job done when needs be. She took out her opponent in straight sets though it was far from a routine victory 7-6 6-2.

I cannot deal with this heat

On the other hand, Caroline Wozniacki (10) aka Danish Biscuit, wasted no time on court as she ousted her opponent 6-0 6-2. Simone Halep (11) also trashed her opponent 6-0 6-1. Dominika Cibulkova (20) took out former French Open winner Francesca Schiavone in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Francesco has been hitting tough times lately and might soon be playing qualies to be getting into tournaments. Maria Shriekapova playing the last match of the day took out Bethanie Mattek-Sands in straight sets though it was a messy affair 6-3 6-4.

Danish Biscuit was baking

Other straight sets winners include Slaone Stephens (13), Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic (8), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) over American Vania King, Anastasia Fattychunkova (29) and Bojana Jovanovski (33). Bratzwanska (5) made it through in 3 sets as did American Varvara Lepchenko. She will join fellow American Christina McHale in the 2^nd round.

Was Sloane endorsed by Bic Higlighters or the Las Vegas strip? She is just bright even for her own eyes!!

There were no major upsets though some seeded players fell by the way. Kuzi Rex (19) lost in straight sets to Ukrainian Elena Svitolina 3-6 3-6, Sorana Cirstea (21) also lost in straights as Kaia Kanepi (24) got bounced in 3 sets.

Interesting ladies match up for Day 3 Sam Stosur (17) v Tsevtana Pironkova (night session), Sabine Lisicki (15) v Monica Niculescu. Be prepared for pending upsets here. The Serenanator and LiNaLi will also take the court. It is suppose to be another scorching day tomorrow so be prepared for retirements, medical timeouts and possible fainting.

Keeping it chill!

On the Men’s side, Mr. Federer opened his campaign for a 5^th Aussie Open title. Maybe it was the heat but I am not liking for Mr. Federer is looking these days. I know Mr. Federer is 32 and that he is not the Mr. Federer of 2005-2009. However, Mr. Federer is playing erratic/senile tennis. Those balls are landing very short in the court. At times there were flashes of brilliance but other times it was just banality of the highest order. Maybe I am being far too harsh as this is my main how. The thing is it that Mr. Federer is struggling against players of no mettle, merit or might. James Duckworth was giving Mr. Federer a run for his money. The Aussie was playing rather well within himself and it was mere luck and happenstance why he did not manage to pickpocket a set from the Swiss. At the very key moments of the match, Duckworth started to play Fuckworth tennis and Mr. Federer just seized his chance. It was not pretty but it passed and Mr. Federer is through to the 2^nd round 6-4 6-4 6-2.

I got through the day!! Mr. Federer what’s with the pants pattern? They fit nicely though

 Mr. Federer is sitting all hung packing his balls in more than his bag. No wonder Mirka is pregnant again. Fed be laying it down

In other news, Duckworth was not the only Aussie man to be sent packing as this major is near douche free when Hewitt and Tomic were ousted in the 1^st round. I could not be more ecstatic. Tampomic retired after the 1^st set against Divadal (1) with a “groin injury” I want to say something nasty about this matter but it is far too vile even for Realz to repeat. It does not matter to Divadal, he is through to the 2^nd round and on his way to his 2^nd Aussie Open title.

Yeah I am feeling more douchey than usual. Of course I am going to retire, why waste my time out here. I can be home in time to watch Maria’s match.

However, this was not the best result, Rusty Hewitt lost his match in 5 sets. You know how he loves the heroics and to be screaming Come ONs all over the place. He clashed up against Andreas Seppi (24) my sweet sweet Italian sausage and dropped the first 2 sets 6-7 3-6. It is at this moment when Hewitt often shines and he did not disappoint taking the next two sets 7-5 7-5 and he did so at the latter stages of those sets as both times, Seppi failed to hold serve to go to a tiebreaker. So in 5^th set, Seppi returned the favour by breaking Hewitt in the 12^th game to take the set and the match. G’day Mate!!! Yes.

Baby Ali is looking ruff and tuff with his Afro puff

Baby Ali (10) went through in straight sets as did Lochness Monster (4) Feliciano FeFe Lopez (26) and Monfils aka Beetlejuice (25). Del Potro Beast Boy (5) won in 4 sets. This is why Del Potro finds difficulty winning another major. He is in the early stages of matches, monkeying around and wasting energy. Why is he in a 4 set battle against Rhyne Williams? Who is Rhyne Williams? Other 4 set winners include Fernando Tabasco Verdasco (31), Milos Raonic (11) and Grigor Dimitrov (22) who is now working with Roger Rasheed former coach of Monfils. I am excited by this news. I hope Grigor produces better results this year. He has a lot of potential. Kei Nishikori (16) is another one of those players who is not efficient at majors. He won a 5 set battle to move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, Gilles Simon (18) beat my boo Danny Brands 16-14 in the 5^th set to move through to the next round. Young Americans Donald Young and Jock Sock also move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, fellow American John Isner had to retire after 2 sets with an aggravated ankle injury.

Nice to see Donald Young winning a major match

Radek Stepanek aka Shark Boy retired in the 4^th set after winning the first 2. I guess he is protecting his body as he has doubles to play. He is the defending US Open doubles champ. Smart man about the money.

Interesting matchups tomorrow for the men.. Sam Querry v Ernst Gulbis and Nikolay Davydenko v Richard Gasquet (9). I looked at the schedule and saw that Matthew Ebden (Aus) will play 28^th seed Vasek Pospisil (Can) is in the 2^nd match for the night session at the Rod Laver Arena. Ebden is currently ranked 67 in the world. Are they fcuking kidding me? What kinda a bullshit is this? This is like the warmup act closing the show and the main event came on only for sound check. Australian Open better check their nationalism madness at the door. Not even at the US Open will I see a Jock Sock or Donald Young night match UNLESS they are playing one of the big boys! Ain’t nobody have time for this.

Hope you enjoy!!! AND SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT REALZ TENIS FANZ!!

PICTURE SHOW: Treasure Chests!!

Divadal is giving that camera man in the back some action

Berdych showing us his pecs

Alejandro Gonzalez of Colombia getting in on the action

Kei Nishikori

Fognini

Oh Fogging Fognini

Boo can I do that for you??

But tennis players have nothing on these guys..

Cullen Jones… I want to be a water droplet right now

Ryan Reynolds…Blade Trinity… that’s all I got to say…

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 1

Let me in!! Let me in!!

Now that Day 1 is over, I do not think that any of the results came as a HUGE surprise. I mean there were upsets and of course disappointments but all in all, the results mostly reflected what has been trending for a while.

On the ladies, side, the Serenanator (1) wasted little time dispatching her Aussie opponent as she in barely an hour, took the match 6-2 6-1. Ashleigh Barty had some good shots here and there but it was not enough to stop the American.

I know you are ready for your opponents ReRe but I am not ready for this outfit! BURN IT!!!

LiNaLi (4) also looked impressive as she dumped her opponent 6-2 6-0. The 9th seed, Kerber had a lil problem with Jarmila Gajdosova but came through in 3 sets 6-3 0-6 6-2. Ivanovic the Terrible (14) came through comfortably in straight sets as did Sabine Lisicki (15) Monica Niculescu, Tsetvana Pironkova, Moaning Mona Barthel, Yanina Wickmayer and Monica Puig. 18th seed Kristen Flipkens took out British Laura Robson 6-3 6-0. Robson needs to get her life together if she wants to make a decent living on the tour and not be another Anne Keothavong. Meanwhile, Robson’s countrywoman Heather Watson also lost though she made her match a bit more competitive v Daniela Hanthucova (31) 5-7 6-3 3-6.

LiNaLi showing off that sliced backhand

Some interesting results on the ladies side…. Well first off you know I am smarting because Venus Williams set me up again!! I can’t with this woman. She was bossing Ekaterina Makarova (22) around for a set and a half 6-2 4-4 but all of sudden, Venus double faulted 3 times in a row to hand the game and basically the set to Makarova. In the 3rd set, Venus was up 3-0! Then she lost the next 6 of 7 games. I was beside myself. She was playing so well. The groundstrokes were popping and she was moving forward. However, she just decided to hurt my feelings and mess up my entire evening. Makarova moves to the 2nd round having taken out another Williams Sister 2-6 6-4 6-4.

Venus angst!!!

Makarova is making it a habit of taking out Williamses in Australia

There were several other interesting results: Like I said of Petra Kvitova, she is going into fast decline and that showed up in her lost to Luksika Kimkhum (I wish I were making up this name). Kvitova (6) got bounced 2-6 6-1 6-4 to some unknown Thai player. She was not the only top seed to said bye bye to Melbourne, the doubles team of Roberta Vinci (12) and Sara Errani (7) were both dismissed from the singles event. Vinci going down in straights to former semifinalist Jie Zheng and Errani leaving thanks to Julia Goerges.

Wearing pepto bismal pink, playing like diarrhea, game and ranking slipping and dating Stepanek. Yes, Stepanek curse in full effect

I see boobs but I am not sure… this is very feMALE indeed

Of course I was very excited when I saw the draw and it was Kvitova I was playing. She is still dating Stepanek right? So I knew I had more than a shot! I had a winning shot

I should also mention that Stosur avenged her recent lost to Klara Zakopalova by beating her in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Also Granny Goodness Date-Krumm lost to perhaps the youngest girl in the field Belinda Bencic of Switzerland in straight sets.

Thank you very much for coming. Nice warm up

On the men’s side, things were more routine. Ferrer (3) and Djoker Harlequeen (2) wasted no time getting rid of their opponents in straight sets. There is no point in sticking around on court for more time than you need to. Stan Wawrinka (8) got even less time when his opponent reitred in the 2nd set. Fabio Fognini (15) also benefitted from a retirement when Alex Bogomolov went out injured. Bershite (7) also is through in straight sets as well as Richard Gasquet (9), Mikhail Youzhny (14), Jeremy Chardy (29) and Dmitri Tursanov (30).

Oh wait she is not one of the guys…

Jerzy Janowicz (20) perhaps love work because he was out there for 5 sets for no apparent reason but he is through to the 2nd round. Other 5 set winners include Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19) Julian Benneteau and Nikolay Davydenko.

Glittering Gulbis

Munchable Monaco

23rd seed Ernest Gulbis beat Juan Monaco in 4 sets. This is a sad result because they are both such PHYNE specimen but Monaco has not been so well since the break up with a certain top Diva. That Gulbis is even seeded and Monaco is not, shows how much the Argentine is hurting from that dismissal. Marcos Baghdatis, known for his on court heroics, had a major fail in front of this very Cypriot crowd when Uzbekistani Denis Istomin knocked him out in straight sets and did so in fine style. Ivan Dodig (32) knocked out monster server Ivo Karlovic in straight sets also.

Divadal was only fcuking with your head. You know that. Realz loves you not Divadal!

Tomorrow, both bottom halves will be playing and we are set to see Divadal, Mr. Federer, Lochness Monster, Baby Ali, Beetlejuice, Vickie, Fivehead Jungle Witch, Bratzwanska and Shriekapova all on court.

Let us take a break and just watch

Don’t forget to spread the word about REALZTENISFANZ!!!

Venus I do not even know what to say about this head!!! ratchet!!

Robson you look like someone’s runaway bridesmaid. WTF is this dress about??

I need to get me a sip of Andreas Seppi indeed

Oh Patty Rafter… you’re turning into Fatty Rafter these days

Spanish Armada!!… At least part of the fleet

I am best amongst my fellow menz

Did someone fart?? I am smelling shite….Oh Hey Tomic…..

So you gonna come by my room later right. I will leave the door open

Mister, I can see your penis and that’s not okay at this time

They say I was going to get groupies but I didn’t want these old bitches..

Australian Open 2014

Every major, when I’m trying to rearrange my life to get in as much tennis in as possible, I always contemplate whether to post a preview bit. Now mind you, all the major publications do so in an effort to drum up some interest and frankly so that they can talk. However, with the current state of both the men and women’s tours, matters have long been decided. For the past three years now, it’s been the same gang at the top. There’s nothing new to say. I am sure the same notes from the preview to the French, Wimbledon and the US Open 2012 and 2013 will apply for this Australian Open 2014. I dare someone to say otherwise.

However, I figured that RealzTenisFanz cannot be so far out of the main stream though we are hardly the type of prestigious publication to follow trends blindly. Nonetheless, I figured why not revive the blog for 2014 with a lil something for the Fanz.

From Realz!!

While we are on this subject Fanz, I think 2014 will see us going on quite a bit so I want to thank you all for your continued support. Happy New Tennis Year ! I know many of you are dying to tell about your Christmas and New Years affairs. However, we aren’t here for that. We will get into personal gossips later on. Furthermore, our lives aren’t nearly as interesting as the pro players so we will ignore our mundane madness for the sake of their more scintillating sagas.

So let us have the realz score on this one now

But let us not digress…. Wait, I’m not sure if I actually confirmed this but I regret to inform you that it’s really true that Petra Kvitova and Radek Stepanek are in fact a couple. I don’t think my brain has fully grasp this ugly concept. In fact whenever I think of them as a couple, my mind’s defense system kicks in and automatically blurs Shark Boy’s face.

Homewrecker??? Nicole and Radek on their wedding day. Right, Petra in her version of a black dress

PeekaBoos!!

Can’t deal with that much beastliness in one thought. I know people will label Petra a homewrecker seeing as Shark Boy is still married to former top ten Nicole Vaidisova. However, in my humble opinion, it was a hideous home. It ain’t for looks or charms so it has to be he drops his shorts and you silly school of girls just lose your bloody minds as well as your panties.

Wait what do you mean I have to share you??

This was Petra’s old boo but she don’t want no small fry anymore… she’s looking for big fish

So Nickie girl, you get yourself some new dick though I am guessing that Shark Boy is hung like a sperm whale because too many decent looking girls are getting bitten by this predator. I bet he be munching on their seabed like it the last plankton in all of the Red Sea. Sushi is on the menu girls and you are the catch of the day! Ladies I advised you all to invest in a decent toy and if not get yourself a good “buddy” with ironclad contractual terms, safe play because no one deserves to be caught up in the cult that is Radek Stepanek. He’ll kill your joy and your career. Ask Martina Hingis and Nicole. At this point in Petra’s career, she doesn’t know where she’s going but most certainly sure that she’s coming and coming very regular. So I guess I should be happy for her?

And she found it with Shark Boy

To the real tennis newz :

Divadal before his make up!

On the men’s side, the number one seed, Rafael Nadal aka Lord Clay aka Divadal aka Lord Clay and hardcourt Divadal (She lost only two clay court matches last year and didn’t lose on hardcourt whilst picking up his 8th French Open title and 2nd US Open crown), has a draw of death. It’s just traps all over the place. First off he has to deal with Bernard Tampomic and frankly I know the Spanish Diva is going to handle this mess in 3 straight kleenex sets but no one wants to deal with the Aussie crowds fully supporting their man and the added misfortunes of having to endure Bernard’s on court bullshit. You know this latent case is going to be showing her dirty knickers all over the place when those Divadal forehands be coming from all corners of the court. It’s going to be a mess I’m sure of it.

Yeah I am a douche… so what?? Am I the biggest douche down under?? Hmmm

No I am the biggest douche down under

What’s even worst for the number one seed is that he has to deal with not one Aussie Asshole but two; Lleyton Hewitt is also on this section. Hewitt’s career got a resurrection of sorts when he beat Mr. Federer in Brisbane last week in 3 sets. So look out this possible 4th round clash.

I am ready for all these douche bags. Bring them on!!

Wait did you say Xisca is coming on court?? I need to get out of her.

Beetlejuice is lurking for Divadal in this section for a possible 3rd round match up that’s if Beetlejuice shows up in Melbourne to play tennis and not to pay clown.  Divadal has to also contend with Beast Boy who is definitely poised this year to make some real major noise again. Del Potro wants another major and he will get it soon enough in my humble and often awesome opinion. But all in all its unlikely he is losing early unless Rosol and Darcis had a baby together.

I don’t know which Beetlejuice will show up

Ahh the maladies of Murray have already begun and he hasn’t even played a match yet

On the other side of the top half is Lochness Monster who has had a rather dismal year since winning Wimbledon last year. This creature might be stumbling since his magical 2012. Murray has been featured in three Aussie Open finals now I think and winning a total of 1 set of the ten that he played. I’m sure he thinks that the 4th time is the charm. However you know this is of no concern to me because Mr. Federer (6) is in this quarter and that’s my main man. However, Mr. Federer has two French men in his realm, Baby Ali et Chicken leg Simon. They both come lethal and with historic wins over the greatest thing since slice in my tennis world.

I don’t know what is going on with me anymore. I am going senile on the tennis courts it seems.

The Scotsman has to deal with the likes of BFG John Isner and Chin Cilic. This is just tough half all over. Just potential problems all over the place for everyone. No match is an easy round.

Despite all this, I think Divadal is coming through this half. Mr Federer might get to the semis but he doesn’t have the stamina to deal with the hard court beast that is Divadal plus Mr. Federer has far more pressing issues before he gets to semis…. And that’s if he even gets there. My man is no longer a safe bet especially as the 6th seed. He’s working with Stefan Edberg but I’m not sure this will help. Federer needs a nutritionist to help him gain muscle mass. No Bueno! I almost forgot the gossip, Mirka is pregnant again. I couldn’t really tell because she always look with child. However, Mr. Federer made the announcement on Facebook and I have to take his word for it on these matters.

Mommy and granny holding the girls… possibly brother(s) on the way??

David Ferrer’s quarter…. Is this even a legitimate expression? However the numbers don’t lie, he’s the 3rd ranked player and gets his own section. However this prize hasn’t brought him much gifts because he has to deal with a lot of bigger men, Tommy Haas Mikhail Youzhny, Tomasz Berdshite and Jerzy Janowicz. It’s going to be tough and of course he has the 3 time defending champion Djoker Harlequeen on his side.

I am gonna be passing out some chocolate because I have a sweet sweet draw

Now I have seen easy bake oven draws in the past but I think this quarter for Novak is a new model where we might as well had just give Novak byes all the way to the finals or at least the semis to make it interesting. There’s no one in this section to trouble the man. No one! Ernst Gulbis? Richard Gasquet? Marcos Baghdatis? Ain’t he married? This must be sketch comedy because I know Djoker is laughing his ass off. The only possible hiccup is Stan Wawrinka and we all know how messy this girl can be. She got handled at the US Open and that must still be hurting.

Anyway, I think Divadal and Djoker are the two contenders here though I do not look forward to a possible finals between these two as I would like to not waste 7 hours of my life with these two for one of them to finally take the title.

It is just me, myself and I out there. No one comes close to me.

On the ladies’ draw I mean what more can one say other than the Serenantor (1) is here to win this title and try yet again for the one thing that her career does not have: a true Grand Slam. She is going for it this year full steam ahead. She is not going to let herself be deterred. Every year since 2010 she is becoming more and more mentally focused and her hard work is paying off. Since that ugly defeat in 2012 at the French Open, she has been looking stupendous. Her shots are cleaner, crisper and she is staying in shape. No one has seen this kinda of focus from Serena for a long time…if not ever. It seems that everything is looking up for her now. However, we all know it is at these times when she looks unstoppable, she then lets her bad self get in the way and implodes on court. Hopefully, this sorta thing is not going to happen because I think Serena has worked hard enough and deserves the calender slam. I would also really like to see her in the 20s with major titles. She is really that good of a player!!

Yeah you forgot about me??

Yeah there are competitors to consider, Vickie (2), Maria (3) and LiNaLi (4) but do they even stand a chance? I mean Vickie is the ONLY one who does not get routine bagels and/or breadsticks from the American. Vickie can play the Serenanator but when it comes to the final stages of the match where fitness is a factor, Serena has her younger adversary beat. Maria simply does not possess the skill set to deal with Serena. I don’t think she ever will. And also her biggest problem is trying to stay positive throughout the match. It is very difficult to do as she is constantly trying to figure out what kinda diet is Serena working on that day. Is she carb counting and thus handing out bagels and breadsticks sets or is she on a gluten free diet and feels more generous in allowing an extra game here or there. Look at any of the matches these two play. Serena is almost breaking Maria at will and dispensing baked goods to the Russian like a Pillsbury. However, I would admit that last match a week ago, Maria got to a tiebreaker. However, I think Serena was just trying to be generous..Happy New Year’s Gurl….Here’s a Christmas gift; a respectable scoreline.

Now why you had to go bring up my record against the Serenanator again for?

Anyway these two can only meet in the finals. Maria and Vickie are on the same half (bottom) of the draw and Serena has to contend with LiNaLi on her half (top). Will be interesting to see what the new year brings for Li and her Cheating Coach Carlos. Serena’s quarter is rather tricky as she has some ticklish players lurking about like Tsetvana Pironkova who just won her first WTA title beating Petra Kvitova GHW (she had penis on the brain) along the way. There is also the huge serving Eugenie Bouchard (30) of Canada, tenacious Jie Zheng, Ana Ivanovic (14) the Terrible and also Sara Errani (7) but really and truly we are not exactly counting her in the mix. Serena eats Sara for a light snack. There is also local home hopeful Sam Stosur who has beaten the American twice at the majors in key matches. However, Sam does not have a great record in her home country but she won several matches this past week so this might be a turn around for her.

Do we know which LiNaLi will be on court or will Carlos continue to signal to her telling her know who she should be?

LiNaLi (4) also has a tricky set of client with GHW Kvitova (6) aka Mistress Stepanek, Sabine Lisicki (15) who it seems is now working with Martina Hingis (I don’t know why this woman just won’t go away and stay there. Can’t she find more men to beat up? She really does not contribute much to game at this time. She is fighting so hard to be relevant but she barely has a point except on pencil. And she should just erase herself with the other end. She was a great student of the game but hardly is she selfless enough to be a decent teacher.) Carebear Kerber (9) is also around in these parts. I almost forgot to mention that resident veteran Venus Williams is also on board at this Open. She will open her campaign against crazy lefty Ekaterina Makarova (22) who has been known as a very dangerous floater. She has some good scalps in her career including Serena and 5th seed here Radwanska. So Makarova is not to be dismissed lightly.

You don’t worry about my draw and/or drawers okay. Just how I like it… easy, breezy

Sometimes when I look at Maria’s draw at majors, I often wonder if the committees are confused about the concept of “draw” It might be that they are thinking more “drawers” than “draw” because Maria always getting some easy sexy cute draws. There is absolutely no one of consequence in her section of the draw. Not one. You know who Maria is opening up against, Bethanie Mattek-Sands and one noted sports writer claimed Carlo Suarez-Navarro is the dark horse pick and figured she will get to the semis. I think he means, she is going to buy a ticket to watch the match. Most certainly she is not going to be winning 5 singles matches and earn her place. I mean seriously now? Dark Horse pick… This is more likely a Black Unicorn pick. So because of this it means that Jelena Jankovic aka Fivehead Jungle Witch (8) v Maria really going to be the big matchup of this section. I would rather vomit.

I hope you all didn’t forget about me now

Vickie has a relatively okay section with several of her favourite punching bags Slaone Stephens (13), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (10) and off course her best pigeon Agniezska Radwanska (5). Vickie couldn’t ask for a better route to the semis.

All in all I don’t think she is retaining her title this year. This is the Serenanator’s title for the taking.

FASHION FORWARD???

Serena gurl, you need to better cage that tiger of yours… I can see claws coming out…

Vee gurl… WTF with that weave…We need to hook you up….that front is a hotmess

Apparently LiNaLi moonlights as a clown after hours.

It is not great but it is not bad and for Maria, this is all good

This is very good from Sabine

Who knew the German was also a succubus?

Daniela showing all the itches how you step it up! Gorgeous! Giving them Farrah Fawcett hair tease realness!!! YES M’AM

Apparently, men and women went to different functions because David look like he just got off from practice. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Even with ugly New Balances, the ratty t-shirt and the buzz cut, this Spanish flame is still burning hot

US Open 2013: Day 4

Michelle Obama at the Open last Saturday… on fashion point as ALWAYS

So Day 4 at the US Open was a successful one. Despite it looking like the heavens were going to burst open, no rain fell to affect any scheduled play. As far as singles’ action go, I believe that all matches were played and completed. Also unlike the last major, Wimbledon, there have been very few retirements. I guess players are scrambling for the last stop to make big bucks, big points and also celebrity status. The US Open has as of late, perhaps because it is held in New York City, take on the feel of something akin the Grammys etc. Where tons of celebrities are floating around, lots of sponsors too and that unmistakable feel of entertainment energy,

 

This is Katie Couric, celebrity. See the problem here isn’t so much that she is wearing these pants as it is that she’s wearing these pants and wearing them in full confidence that they are the best thing ever. Boo, here’s a news flash…THEY’RE NOT!!! Stop having your children design your clothing

Before I move onto the real deal tennis, I just want to say WELCOME to any new FANZ who may be reading this blog. I hope you peruse at your leisure. Do understand that this blog does focus mainly on tennis but yet we cover so much more. It is structure (at least it is my intent) to capture tennis fans and non-tennis fans alike to reach that common goal of being a REALZ TENIS FANZ, which quite frankly is the best thing out there. DO NOT be intimidated if you are not a tennis fan because if you scroll through, you will be sure to find something that interests you in some form. There is also a Facebook Page, which I think would be more “user-friendly” as the blog might be a bit too “in-depth” for the non tennis fanz. There are tons of photos on it for your enjoyment. ALSO for the Realz fanz out there, PLEASE COMMENT and spread the word about this blog!!! You know how I am always begging for attention.

Divadal looking in his usual form

Anywho, on the men’s side, there were no upsets of note though Douchsarevic got through to the 3rd round much to my chagrin. Yeah I know, I said it. American Jock Sock who seems to go into hiding all year long only to come out for the US Open is also through to the 3rd round. I mean seriously, has this guy even won two matches on tour this year much more two in the same tournament? However, he will be getting a nice chunk of change for his effort though it could have been more. James Blake and Sock lost in the 1st round of doubles. I mean James, you could not even muster up some courage and had yourself a nice run here. WOW, sometimes, I think you suck badly out of spite. However, we are not here to discuss James Blake, he is gone. Au revoir.

Mr. Federer and Divadal Nadal moved through quite comfortably to the 3rd round. Divadal was showing all his gonads on court and Mr. Federer was looking impressively clean. They are on both side of the draw and scheduled to meet in the quarters if neither loses before then. Mr. Federer has not beaten Divadal in a major since 2007 if I am not mistaken and in the kind of form he is showing as of late, I doubt if 2013 will change that statistic. Needless to say, I am very unhappy about this prospect. Nonetheless, you know I love me some Mr. Federer and I will be waving his flag on his bandwagon until the very end and thereafter.

Daniel Evans through to the 3rd round… yeahhhh

Other usual suspects came through including Canadian Milos Raonic, Frenchman Richard Gasquet, Spaniards Tommy Robredo, resident hotties FeFe Lopez and Fiery Ferrer. I have also give a HUGE SHOUT OUT to my new boo Daniel Evans for disposing for the trash in the form of Bernard Tomic aka Tampomic. Evans who scored an upset in the 1st round when he ousted the 11th seed Kei Nishikori, is showing himself as a non-one hit wonder in beating Tampomic. Evans is playing his 5th consecutive match as he came through 3 rounds of qualifying to get to the main draw. Anyway, Evans is set to play Tommy Robredo in the 3rd and possibly Mr. Federer in the Round of 16 if both win their next scheduled match. So you know what that means Evanie boo….You have my complete support until you face Mr. Federer, at which point, I will be cheering for your utter destruction on court. Sorry boo but Mr. Federer was there way before you came. However, you can come anytime you like for me 🙂

Arghhhhhhhhhhh Beetlejuice in full effect

Anyway, the last match up of the day was BFG (John Isner) vs Beetlejuice (Gael Monfils). Now, I have never really been a fan of Monfils. I am sure he is great person off the court and if you love to party, he is definitely the guy to hang with. Though you should never be totally inebriated with him because he is the kinda guy that will cause the police to show up and though he is even more shit faced than you, he will still be able to talk the cops out of arresting him and there you are being carted off to jail and he is laughing his ass off. He also looks like a crazy prankster. Anyway we are so digressing right now. So I was saying that I have never been a huge fan of Monfils. However, last year, he earned my respect at the Aussie Open. Monfils showed a level of maturity I thought was way beyond him. I even complimented him on his 1st round match and commented on how mature he was in delving out a swift death to his opponent. But it seems as though no good deeds goes unpunished.

Fcuking crowd cheering on this French tool

Monfils’ behaviour in his match up against Isner was utterly RIDONCULOUS. What was even worst was that the American crowd was cheering on Monfils over their player. (There is a lot I want to say about this but I do not think this is the time to focus on such matters) Monfils was throwing himself all over the place as though the match was being placed on the beach. And that his classic clownfcukery was in full display. Yes it can be entertaining but when it comes to major play, Monfils needs to be more focus. He has shown himself to be quite capable of possibly contending for majors. However, his potential is being stifled by his immaturity on court. It was a virtual shitshow last night. He practically gifted the first 2 sets to Isner and then later on tried to show some of his real tennis. However, Isner was playing such a complete match. He was firing on all cylinders and took out Monfils in 4 sets. Thank you Isner, I could not stand to see such nonsense for too long. Hopefully Isner finds his stride again here at the Open and could… I so hope and pray….knock out Divadal in their possible 4th round encounter. Actually I do not care who takes out Divadal, just take him out of here.

In America, we say goodbye. So get outta here

Anyway, check out the men’s score line below.

Sela D. (Isr)	4	4	1
Tipsarevic   J. (Srb)	6	6	6
Rufin G. (Fra) Ret.	6	1
Tursunov D. (Rus)	7	1
Gasquet R. (Fra)	6	7	7
Robert   S. (Fra)	3	5	5
Bautista-Agut R. (Esp)	3	7	1	2
Ferrer D. (Esp)	6	6	6	6
Gonzalez M. (Arg)	6	6	5	2
Sock J. (Usa)	7	1	7	6
Haider-Maurer A. (Aut)	4	4	5
Kukushkin M. (Kaz)	6	6	7
Tomic B. (Aus)	6	3	6	3
Evans D. (Gbr)	1	6	7	6
Federer R. (Sui)	6	6	6
Berlocq C. (Arg)	3	2	1
Mannarino A. (Fra)	7	7	6	6
Querrey S. (Usa)	6	6	7	4
Dodig I. (Cro)	6	6	6
Davydenko N. (Rus)	1	4	4
Roger-Vasselin E. (Fra)	3	2	7	2
Kohlschreiber P. (Ger)	6	6	5	6
Robredo T. (Esp)	6	6	6
Dancevic F. (Can)	4	4	1
Lopez F. (Esp)	6	7	4	7
Klahn B. (Usa)	4	6	6	5
Andujar-Alba P. (Esp)	1	2	4
Raonic M. (Can)	6	6	6
Silva D. R. (Bra)	2	1	0
Nadal R. (Esp)	6	6	6
Isner J. (Usa)	7	6	4	7
Monfils G. (Fra)	5	2	6	6

I’m just gonna take a lil nap and give this girl a slight chance to beat me

On the women’s side of the draw, things have been virtually quiet. But then again, 4th seed Sara Errani was howling on court in her defeat at the hands of her countrywoman Flavia Pennetta. Pennetta just dismantled Errani 6-3 6-1 I am not sure if I mentioned this earlier but Errani and her doubles partnership with Roberta Vinci might be in jeopardy as the two are fighting. Errani in her lost was crying that she did not want to be on court etc etc etc. Whatever Errani, you have it too good perhaps. I mean you have been able to make it to several major semis plus get to the finals of the French Open….something which considering your talent is actually beyond you. Yet you are complaining and trying to mess up the most successful thing you got. I am not interested in your tears. Save that drama for your mama but for the court.

It was not a good day for the Italian yesterday at all. She also will drop in rankings as she cannot defend her semifinal points from last year

Anyway, Carebear Kerber took out Bouchard of Canada who I think might be a talent to watch in the near future. She is pretty good and as you can see, she is not afraid of top players as she fought Serenanator in Montreal and now gave Kerber a big fight. American Christina McHale also won her match against Elena Svitolina but her countrywoman Victoria Duval who caused quite a buzz at the open when she knocked out Sam Stosur, succumbed to the pressure and was beaten by Daniela Huntuchova 6-2 6-3. In both sets, Duval was up a break but could not sustain her lead. It is also good to see that Daniela can win two matches back to back. She never fully realized her potential I think.

Duval was split in two yesterday by a seemingly in form Huntuchova

The Serenanator overcame a slow start to bagel her opponent in the 2nd set 6-3 6-0 meanwhile other notables such as Ana Ivanovic as well as her countrywoman Jelena Jankovic (Fivehead Jungle Witch), Kuznetsova, Kaia Kanepi, Petra Kvitova (surprise! surprise!), Sabine Lisicki, Roberta Vinci and Yaroslava Shvedova also came through in their matches. Shvedova faces the Serenanator in the next round. Should be an interesting match up. Maria Kirilenko took out the Portuguese player Maria Larcher de Brito 6-3 6-1. This is the same de Brito who took out the other Russian Maria, Maria Sharapova at Wimbledon. However, Kirilenko aka Krazilenko was sticking around for a possible upset. She just rolled out that final set breadstick like it was rushhour at Olive Garden. In other news, the Williams sisters are back playing doubles at this major. Yeah give Venus something to do. They won their 1st round match (6-7 6-0 6-3) against a Spanish duo which included Carla Suarez-Navarro who would have been Venus’s next opponent had she beaten Jie Zheng like she was suppose to have done. However, I am kinda glad that Venus lost now because I do not think she could have beaten Carla by herself and I could not deal with another Venus lost at the hands of his Lady Hobbit after the 2009 Australian Open 2nd round lost. I swear I had to lay Venus to rest in order to deal. She nearly killed me with that lost. Anyway, all the ladies’ score, after the jump.

Good Lord, the dress comes in different colours too..

Bouchard E. (Can)	4	6	3
Kerber A.   (Ger)	6	2	6
McHale C. (Usa)	6	3	7
Svitolina E. (Ukr)	4	6	5
Kanepi K. (Est)	6	6
Schmiedlová A. K. (Svk)	4	1
Kuznetsova S. (Rus)	6	4	6
Peng S. (Chn)	1	6	4
Makarova E. (Rus)	6	6
Mattek-Sands B. (Usa)	4	4
Nara K. (Jpn)	7	6
Cirstea S. (Rou)	5	1
Ormaechea P. (Arg)	2	3
Lisicki S. (Ger)	6	6
Safarova L. (Cze)	6	1	2
Vinci R. (Ita)	4	6	6
Shvedova Y. (Kaz)	6	6
Mayr-Achleitner P. (Aut)	2	3
Jankovic J. (Srb)	6	6
Kleybanova A. (Rus)	3	2
Pennetta F. (Ita)	6	6
Errani S. (Ita)	3	1
Cornet A. (Fra)	6	6
Tomljanovic A. (Cro)	2	2
Vesnina E. (Rus)	1	4
Knapp K. (Ita)	6	6
Williams S. (Usa)	6	6
Voskoboeva G. (Kaz)	3	0
Ivanovic A. (Srb)	6	6
Dulgheru A. (Rou)	2	1
Vekic D. (Cro)	2	1
Halep S. (Rou)	6	6
Kvitova P. (Cze)	6	6
Jovanovski B. (Srb)	2	4
Riske A. (Usa)	6	6
Barthel M. (Ger)	4	2
Glushko J. (Isr)	7	6
Vickery S. (Usa)	5	3
Kirilenko M. (Rus)	6	6
Larcher de Brito M. (Por)	3	1
Wozniak A. (Can)	3	1
Azarenka V. (Blr)	6	6
Giorgi C. (Ita)	6	7
Hsieh S-W. (Tpe)	4	6
Wozniacki C. (Den)	6	6
Scheepers C. (Rsa)	1	2
Hantuchova D. (Svk)	6	6
Duval V. (Usa)	2	3

Look who showed up to watch “her man” at the Open… It’s Xisca

And look who is happy to see her?

Look the camera…

Everyone fake laugh….

Kuznetsova, what the hell is this tragedy? I thought we were making progressing in the fashion department

Vickie why are you still wearing this ridiculous outfit?

Can someone explain to me this madness?

Kvitova, you are determined to cart around this muffin top no matter what right?

 

Ana why even though you’re flat chested, your boobs look lopsided?

Helloooooo? Is anything in there??? It sounds so hallow..

 

I wonder if my booty is bigger than the Serenanator’s?

Excuse you? You really wanna know?

 

HELLZ NOOOO

I am

A stinker…

a douche… a tampomic

and a tool

Wimbledon 2013: Manic Monday

Sabine Lisicki, the French Open champion slayer!

Yeah gurl, I am like WTF too??

I have always hated Mondays. Since a child, Mondays was the worst day to look forward to. It spoils the freedom of Sunday because of it inevitable arrival the next day. And this end Monday of Wimbledon, where all 16 Round of 16 matches are played for singles, made me hate Mondays even more. I do not even know what to say about this day. I mean the only upset of the day…. the ONLY ONE is the UPSET. I would not have ever imagined that the Serenanator would have gone out like this. I know that Lisicki is a good player…but the Serenanator is clearly better. I am at a lost for words. You know my mood was considerably dampened by this result. It is not just the fact that the Serenanator lost (at least Venus gets to keep one record to herself of 35 win match streak). However, it was the fact that everyone I hold so near and dear to my heart is not here for me to cheer. I have cleared my calender, took time off from work and what do I get, a possible final between Djoker v Lochness Monster or worst, Bratzwanska v Bartoli. Are you fcuking kidding me? What kinda rubbish is the tennis gods pour out from their heavens. This has been an utter mess of a major. I mean even Divadal is out and you know how much I can do without his company.

Maybe they’re right. There must be sugar in the grass. Perhaps Sugarpova??

Who me? I did not put any Superpova in the grass. I pinky swear it……Now I am not saying someone else did not put it as per my instructions but I did not pour my diabetes inducing candy on Centre Court.

 

I guess the tennis gods are perhaps righting some wrong because all of then current French Open champions that Lisicki took out, were all improbable winners. Kuzi, LiNaLi, Shriekapova and now the Serenanator. No one of these players, perhaps with the exception of Kuzi Rex, were ever known for being clay court specialist. However, at the French Open, they totally dominated the surface and could have fooled even the wise observer that clay was a natural part of their game. I guess I should be at peace somewhat but I really cannot deal with this nonsense. I want this thing to be over and for us to pretend that Wimbledon 2013 NEVER HAPPENED at all. Who is with me?

I mean other than the fact that the Serenanator lost yesterday, the higher seed won. There were no other upsets. I could not believe it. I was hoping that perhaps Youzhny would have knock Murray out but the Chernobyl Disaster as per the norm, had a melt down. People Jerzy Janowicz and Lukas Kubot as in the quarters and either one of them will be in the semis of Wimbledon. WTF?? WTMFF?? This cannot be happening.

Anyway, here are the results… I cannot talk anymore

15		M. Bartoli	6	6
		K. Knapp	2	3
4		A. Radwanska	4	6	6
		T. Pironkova	6	3	3
17		S. Stephens	4	7	6
		M. Puig	6	5	1
6		N. Li	6	6
11		R. Vinci	2	0
		L. Robson	66	5
		K. Kanepi	78	7
1		S. Williams	2	6	4
23		S. Lisicki	6	1	6
20		K. Flipkens	77	6
		F. Pennetta	62	3
8		P. Kvitova	77	6
19		C. Suarez Navarro	65	3

1		N. Djokovic	6	6	77
13		T. Haas	1	4	64
7		T. Berdych	77	65	6	6
		B. Tomic	64	77	4	4
		F. Verdasco	6	6	6
		K. De Schepper	4	4	4
8		J. del Potro	6	77	6
23		A. Seppi	4	62	3
2		A. Murray	6	77	6
20		M. Youzhny	4	65	1
4		D. Ferrer	63	78	6	6
		I. Dodig	77	66	1	1
		L. Kubot	4	6	3	6	6
		A. Mannarino	6	3	6	3	4
24		J. Janowicz	3	77	6	4	6
		J. Melzer	6	61	4	6	4

Wimbledon 2013 Day 6

 

YEAHHHHH I’m going to the 2nd week of Wimbledon

So Day 6 of Wimbledon is always exciting because it determines the last set of players to make it to 2^nd Monday when all 16 4^th round matches are played. It is one of the biggest days in tennis. Typically or I should say for the other 3 majors, the matches are always staggered by halves of the respective draws until the semifinals. Anyway, there were several matches to be finished which were carried over from Day 5. So let us deal with those first. I guess the good thing about no play on the Middle Sunday is that players whose matches were carried over from Friday have at least one day’s rest and should be recharged for Monday’s main event. I kinda feel like I am forgetting to tell you something but I am not entirely sure what it is. Perhaps my brain is all fried at this point. I lack sleep and right now I am so hungry but I do not want to spoil my diet and have a meal at this hour. It is the summer and one cannot hide under the layers of coats and sweaters.

Kvitova is getting her life together. With a smile like this, it is hard to see why I call her GHW

Anywho, let us get to the tennis. On the ladies side, Petra Kvitova got her life together when her match resumed on Saturday. She quickly dealt with Makarova who as we all know can be a dangerous floater. Kvitova is through to the Round of 16 for the 4 straight years at least I think. She always seems to have a good run at Wimbledon despite sucking everywhere else. GHW Kvitova 6-3 2-6 6-3. Now before we go on, I was informed by one of my fanz that there is this very very vicious rumour going around that Kvitova dumped her lil boyfriend and might be cuddling up with Radek Stepanek….I just vomited a lil in my mouth. I mean seriously… I am not substantiating this rumour or anything but WTF?? WTMFF?? Who the hell is this guy? I mean, he is one of the ugliest things on tour….oh okay, perhaps I am not supposed to say that he is ugly as we are all God’s creatures…But good heavens is this guy unpretty? How is it that he is bagging these ladies? Nicole Viadisova, Martina Hingis and now possibly Petra Kvitova? Hold up! Hold up! I mean clearly drugs are involved. Martina Hingis…hello…The thing is, if any of this is true about Petra and Shark Boy, is that Radek is a married man. He is married to Nicole who inexplicably gave up her career to be a housewife. It should be noted that whenever Radek gets with a lady on tour, her tennis suffers tremendously as a result.

Stephens again having a nice run at the majors

Anyway, Sloane Stephens (17) finished off Petra Cetkovska in the 3^rd set 6-4. Stephens who had dropped the 2^nd set 0-6, showed some guts which she only seem to display at majors this year. Anyway, she is through to her 1^st Round of 16 at Wimbledon. Pironkova, another player who seem to come alive at majors, in particular this major, is also through to the Round of 16. She beat Petra Martic 6-1 4-6 6-2. Pironkova is through to her 3^rd Round of 16 at Wimbledon if I am not mistaken. Monica Puig has extended her run of good fortunes at this major as she made it to the 2^nd week. She took out Birnerova 4-6 6-3 6-4. I am really happy for the Puerto Rican. 14^th Sam Stosur looked poised to have a good run at Wimbledon but you know Sam and how anti-success she can be. With a game tailor made for the grass, she always has better luck on the clay than grass. Anyway, she won the 1^st set 6-4 but then lost her way as Sabine Lisicki who seems to love the grass, came back blazing 6-2 6-1. Losicki is in another round of 16 at Wimbledon. Last year, she won over Shriekapova.

Sabine in sweet form at these Championships

Other winners include Laura Robson who has finally given the British crowd something to cheer about on the ladies side. She took out Marina Erakovic of New Zealand who if I am not mistaken, served for the match. However, Robson came back to take the whole thing in 3 sets. Robson 1-6 7-5 6-3. Last year’s finalist Aggie Radwanska (4) has been quietly moving through the draw without much fanfare and this is just the way she likes it. She took on American Madison Keys who I was hoping would have caused the upset but Bratzwanska proved to be too much for the teenager and Radwanska is through to the 4^th round 7-5 4-6 6-3. Kaia Kanepi took out another American teenager Riske in straight sets 6-2 6-3. Meanwhile Roberta Vinci (11) is also through to the Round of 16 as she took out 18^th seed Dominika Cibulkova in straight sets 6-1 6-4. This is a somewhat surprising result because Vinci has not really shown much prowess to do much on grass and Cibulkova is a player with a lot of potential. However, Cibulkova loves pace and Vinci can give you a lot of “junk” and most definitely is not about power play.

Thanks for coming Granny Goodness… Now go bake me up cookies. The tennis court is not place for a lady like you

The two remaining 3^rd round match ups saw the Serenanator and LiNaLi getting through to the 4^th round. The Serenanator took out Granny Goodness Date-Krumm 6-2 6-0. This really was no contest but Granny did well to get to this round. LiNaLi was another story. I would have loved for Klara Zakopalova to get through to the next round but LiNaLi got her life together. Klara (32) took the 1^st set 6-4 but got bagelled in the 2^nd 0-6. In the 3^rd set they played 14 games and Li came out on top 8-6. I think Klara is capable of being a real contender on tour but as always these young ones always seem to lose their way to the top.

All of my greatest threats have been bounced. I am in it to win it

On the men’s side, matters were more or less routine. Djoker (1) dispatched of Chardy (28) in straight sets 6-3 6-2 6-2. Meanwhile, Fiery Ferrer (4) was a bit cold against Dolgopolov (28) but pulled through in 5 sets 6-7 7-6 2-6 6-1 6-2. Dolgopolov would do well to work on his game and his focus his energy on career. He has such potential. A fanz explained to me that Dolgopolov loves the drink and once for certain showed up for a match drunk. The fanz was providing 1^st hand information but rehashed gossip  (as is so frequently published on blogs….of course no such rehashed rubbish is ever posted on this prestigious publication)

Tommy Haas is all excited that he is through to the 4th round of Wimbledon. Unfortunately, he faces Djoker

13^th seed Tommy Haas took out FeFe Lopez in 4 sets 4-6 6-2 7-5 6-4. I expected a bigger fight from Lopez but I guess in the end he had other issues to worry about seeing as his X Divadal is out vacationing and guess who just lost, yep Juan Monaco. Monaco (22) inexplicably lost to Kevin De Schepper from France 4-6 6-7 4-6. I do not know what the hell is going on in Monaco’s life but he has been well off the plot this year.

FeFe Lopez got bounced by the German

His mind is elsewhere

This is what has his mind all over the place

Juan Martin Del Potro (8) won over Greg Zemlja 7-5 7-6 6-0 and 7^th seed Berdshite also won over lengthy Kevin Anderson (27) 3-6 6-3 6-4 7-5. In perhaps the only major upset of the day, Richard Gasquet (9) was bounced from the tournament 6-7 7-5 5-7 6-7 to Bernard Tampomic. This is quite shocking because none of the seeded Frenchmen are around, which means that Benoit Paire (25) lost to Lukas Kubot in straight sets 1-6 3-6 4-6. There was another retirement as Dodig moved through to the 4^th round when his opponent Sijsling retired after being down 0-6 1-6 0-1. Other winners include 5 set king Andreas Seppi (23) who knocked out Nishikori 3-6 6-2 6-7 6-1 6-4. Seppi seems to love playing 5 set matches. Mikhail Youzhny (20) and Fernando Tabasco Verdasco are both through to the 4^th round. They have a lot in common. They have a lot of potential but mainly try to suck at tennis so badly you find it impossible to believe that they were ever in the top 10 at one point in their career. Youzhny took out Troicki in straight sets as did Verdasco when he bounced Ernest Gulbis (talk about another wasted talent).

Had you shown this level of tenacity on court, perhaps you might have done better

Bonehead Benoit. He lost the match and now going to lose his money

There will I hope be a preview issue for the round of 16 match up where I will try to give some sorta insights into the Monday Madness as well as my predictions. Do not get to Follow this blog and also COMMENT!

Yes I won two games. Thank the tennis gods for small miracles

And weave is flowing… This lion definitely needs taming

For you Tiann

Which one of you motherfcukers farted in the royal box? I don’t smell anything

Gurl do me now. Remember not too much red on this side… it does not bring out my eyes

Bernard being a bad bad bad boy

So he’s on his knees and there’s balls out in the open…..all of the elements are there but why isn’t this picture right?

Day 4 of Wimbledon 2013

Day 4 proved to be a better day for seeded players as no major upsets occurred unless you count the rains which finally came and put an end to nearly half of the day’s scheduled matches. Nonetheless, matches were played.

Apparently the rain isn’t in Spain

On the ladies’ side, the Serenanator put an end to any upset bug spreading at Wimbledon when she dealt with the Frenchwoman Caroline Garcia. This was the 2^nd major in a row that they were meeting in the 2^nd round and it was a 2^nd spanking for the Frenchwoman. Serena 6-3 6-2. 4^th seed Bratzwanska also won comfortably over her Mathilde Johansson another Frenchwoman. LiNaLi (6) had a drop in the brain as she fought off Simona Halep 6-2 1-6 6-0 to move through to the 3^rd round. 11^th and 14^th seed Vinci and Stosur are also through to the 3^rd round. It is surprising that Stosur has got this far at Wimbledon as she has always struggled on the grass. She could meet the Serenanator in the Round of 16 if they both progressed to that stage. Stosur has pegged the American in their last two major meetings.

Gurl this wear is a real mess. You need to fix this STAT

What’s in the bag Patty? Serenanator and I have plans later….if you know what I mean. WINK WINK

 

Why hasn’t this girl washed this ridiculous dye out of her hair as yet??

 

Moaning Mona Barthel most certainly wanted to flush herself down a toilet because her game stunk!!

 

Roberta Vinci. I do not know why she always looks like someone’s grandmother

 

Cibulkova

 

Madison Keys

 

Granny Goodness

 

LiNaLi finally got her life together

 

Also looking to be in splendid form is Sabine Lisicki (23) who has always enjoyed a nice run on the grass at Wimbledon. She took out Vesnina in straight sets and will move into the 3^rd round. Other seeded players who made it through include Dominika Cibulkova (18) and Klara Zakopalova (32). Granny Goodness Kimiko Date-Krumm at the age of 42 has made it through to the 3^rd round of a major. She will however play the Serenanator for a place in the Round of 16. By way of upsets, both the 24^th seed, Shuai Peng and 30^th seed, Moaning Mona Barthel were knocked out of the draw by two up and coming players, New Zealand’s Marina Erakovic and American Madison Keys.

Look at those legs for Lisicki

On the men’s side of the draw, top seed Djoker Harlequeen got through his match somewhat comfortably albeit he had to play it under the closed roof of Centre Court. He took the last American man in the draw, Bobby Reynolds in straight sets.

Hey gurl!!

Bust a move!!!

By this time, both James Blake and Denis Kudla had already been eliminated from the tournament. You know it is problem when American men are struggling to win matches on grass. Anyway, 7^th seed, Berdshite (he beat my baby Daniel Brands…as if Berdshite needs more reason for me to dislike him) and 8^th seed Beast Boy Del Potro also moved through to the 3^rd round in straight sets. Although for a minute, Del Potro took a walkabout but he did not lose a set as the 9^th seed Richard Gasquet did in his match. Gasquet, however, won his encounter and moved to the next round. He has had some success on the grass in the past so he is looking to continue that trend. 12^th seed Kei Nishikori also won. 17^th seed Milos Raonic lost in straight sets to Dutch Igor Sijsling and I think it is time we write off Raonic as another potential talent that went to the planet of Nowhere. He seems to only have strength for Mr. Federer on the tour level but continues to struggle everywhere else. Perhaps we are being too harsh on him but I eagerly await for me to prove me wrong.

Beast Boy is through to the 3rd round

Huh? What’s going on here? Can someone help me find my way home?

Two other players withdrew on the men’s side and this time a pair of Frenchmen; Michael Llodra and Paul-Henri Mathieu. This brings the total number of retirement at this year’s Wimbledon to 12 and we have yet to complete the 2^nd round. We are one shy of the record of 13 from Wimbledon 2008. Feliciano Lopez is through to the 3^rd round due to Mathieu’s retirement. Andrea Seppi (23) benefitted from Llodra’s withdrawal as he moved through to the 3^rd round. Llodra retired from his singles match to later play doubles with Nicolas Mahut and they moved through to the next round when one of their opponents retired. Llodra stated that his hamstring being precarious at this stage, faced less uncertainty when he plays doubles because he only has to cover half the court. I guess since many players often default from doubles when they have a nice singles run, we should not be too surprised that the opposite can occur. Nonetheless, we are not a huge fan of Llodra in these parts, so I would just say to Llodra “WHATEVER! Ain’t nobody got time for that!” Mr. Shriekapova aka Dimitrov, is locked in a battle down 8-9 in the 5^th set and was getting ready to serve to stay in the match when the rains came. He resumes his match early tomorrow.

Hotness Lopez

I put a picture here of Kei for one of my fanz…. a lil tongue action for you

I am just gonna have a lil snack break of grass

Hmmm

10.0 for Grigor Dimitrov

And his “girlfriend” definitely likes what she see

OMG, this is a real life black person in our midst. I have never touched one of you before. Are you understanding what I am saying?

Anyway I think we have finally got it and back on schedule! Please do not forget to follow Realz on Twitter, like on Facebook and also Follow this blog!