2015 Australian Open: Womenz Preview

I am so happy to not be out there in the hot sun this year!

The Womenz Draw should be very interesting this year. For first time in a good while, Serena Williams is not the name of the favourite to win this tournament. Mind you, that is not to say that people are discounting the American. No, far from it. They simply think there might be others willing and capable of taking this major crown. In fact, Williams despite being the 5-time Australian champion is less favoured over Simona Halep (3) who apparently many feel is the sure bet winner. I am as confused by this as you are. I really cannot offer any real reason behind this logic other than to say since Halep is one of the 128 women signed up in the main draw, she, like each of the other 127 women do stand a chance of winning the title. That is the best I can do with this information.  

Someone tell ReRe that she is gonna need a hair net because I ain’t trying to eat none of that hair in my cake. (I am gonna pretend like I didn’t see those hair edges looking like a seaside cliff all rough and rocky)

Anyway, this 2015 season is just over 2 weeks old and there have been many oddities. Serena did not play a real tournament coming into the major as she has done in recent years. She was the two-time defending champion in Brisbane but she opted not to play that tournament for Hopman Cup, a mixed exhibition tournament. She made it to the finals with partner John Isner having struggled all the way there. Serenanator was well off her game though many say not to read much into this. Nonetheless, she got bagelled by Penne Pasta Pennetta, Bouchard clocked and snatched her wig winning in straight sets 6-1 6-2 or something like that and then struggled past Safarova. In the finals v Bratzwanska she was messy like a public bathroom. Again, one should not read much into this they say. I for one think that a Serena going into the Aussie Open full of confidence makes for a problematic Serena. Last three years 2012-2014, she was the heavy favourite and each year saw the American leaving Melbourne empty-handed. Hopefully this year brings greater fortune.

Serena didn’t come this year and I finally got the Brisbane title

In her absence, Martha (2) picked up the Brisbane title seeing as she lost to Serena there the last two years. Anyway, Shriekapova avenged her Cincinnati loss to Ivanovic the Terrible (5) in the final. Martha, the 3-time finalist and 2008 Champion is definitely looking to pick up another Aussie title. Simona Halep like I said is also inexplicably in my book, garnering a lot of attention. Many feel that she can take the crown here. She won a title in Shenzhen and then signed up to play Sydney. She pulled out thankfully citing injury. I do not understand why Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug thinks she has to play week in and week out. It is just not that serious.

Simona Halep aka Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug with her Shenzhen trophy

GHW Kvitova with her Sydney trophy

Who eventually won Sydney was GHW Kvitova (4) who lost to some Bascinzsky girl in straight sets in Shenzhen in the first week. I do not understand how that happened myself but I saw the match so I can tell you with much certainty that it did happen for real. So Kvitova is coming into a major having played two weeks of tennis. I am not her coach so again I am clueless as to logic behind this bit of madness. Look I am not trying to shade Petra here or anything like that but I have this slight observation. Petra be playing so much tennis yet she is not the fittest lady on tour. I do not get this but clearly it is not for me to get.

Granny Vee with her Auckland trophy and moist hairdo

Anyway, while we are on the subject of fitness, spare me a moment of your time to talk about Ebony Starr aka Granny Vee aka Venus Williams (18). Venus returned to Auckland this year having lost in last year’s final and again made a very decisive run this year to take the title. She faced her sister’s supposed BFF Caroline Woz aka Danish Biscuit (8) for the title. Venus who has never lost to the Dane was en pointe after dropping the opening set. So Granny Vee is also coming into this tournament with a lot of steam behind her name. Meanwhile, Agatha aka Bratzwanska (6) got herself a new coach, the one and only Martina Navratilova. So a lot of buzz is behind Agatha now because the perennial bridesmaid is looking to finally be the bride and win a major. Martina thinks she can do this. I have my doubts about this. Anyhow, so Aga beat Serena at the exhibition and the ESPN cronies were beside themselves; “It’s the Martina influence!” Then Agatha went to a real tournament and lost her opening match. Is this Martina again? I just sipped my tea because if I say something people will say I am a hater. So I am going to keep quiet on this matter.

Anyway, in other really big news on the women’s side is the fact that the number 1 ranking is up for grabs amongst Serenanator, Shriekapova, Koolaide Jug and GHW (Grand High Witch. I am not being mean here at but sometimes Petra be reminding me of Anjelica Huston from The Witches. Check it out and comment below if you agree and/or disagree). Anyway, the top 4 ladies all have a chance to be number 1 depending on how far they each go and how well the others do.

Wait what? We can all be Number 1 at the end of this week? NO only the Top 4 and just in case you’re unclear about this Caro, that means, ReRe, Martha, Simona and Petra! Because some of you look like you can’t count … No shade Genie

Let’s get to the main reason why we are here: the Draw Breakdown. Like the menz, we will be doing the same thing; breaking down the main draw into halves, then quarters and finally eighths.

2015 Australian Open Top Womenz Seeds
Top Half	Bottom Half
1. Serena Williams (Serenanator/ReRe)	2. Maria Sharapova (Martha/Shriekapova)
4. Petra Kvitova (Grand High Witch)	3. Simona Halep (Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug)
6. Agnieszka Radwanska (Agatha/Bratzwanska)	5. Ana Ivanovic (Ivanovic the Terrible)
8. Caroline Wozniacki (Danish Biscuit)	7. Genie Bouchard (Nothing has stick yet)
11. Dominika Cibulkova (Cibuttkova)	9. Angelique Kerber (Angie/Carebear Kerber)
12. Flavia Pennetta (Penne Pasta Pennetta)	10. Ekaterina Makarova (Not worthy)
13. Andrea Petkovic (Not worthy)	14. Sara Errani (Alien v Predator/ETranni)
15. Jelena Jankovic (Fivehead Jungle Witch)	16.  Lucie Safarova (Lady Gollum)
18. Venus Williams (Granny Vee/Ebony Starr)	17. Carla Suarez-Navarro (Nothing has stick yet)
19. Alizé Cornet (Lordlize Cornemort)	21. Shuai Peng (Not worthy)
20. Sam Stosur (D’Stove)	22. Karolina Pliskova (Not worthy)
24. Garbine Muguruza (Not worthy)	23. Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (Fattychunkova)
25. Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (Not worthy)	27. Svetlana Kuznetsova (Kuzi-Rexi)
26. Elina Svitolina (Not worthy)	28. Sabine Lisicki (Lose-sicki)
29. Casey Dellacqua (Not worthy)	31. Zarina Diyas (Not worthy)
30. Varvara Lepchenko (Not worthy)	32. Belinda Bencic (Not worthy)

 *Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person!
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

Serenanator (1) v GHW Kvitova (4) Top Half

Should they reach they both reach the semis, it should be an interesting match

Serenanator (1) v Danish Biscuit (8) Quarter

You best get your life together because you know everyone is gunning to take you out

Serena’s Section Eighth: At the end of the day, it has to be said that the only real bother that Serenanator has is herself. She is quite capable of decimating the entire field without a pause. She is really that good. However, as has been quite evident in her career, she allows herself to get in the way of herself (if that makes any kinda sense to you). Serena’s B game and/or C game is still capable of beating most of the tour. The thing is that, at majors, many of these women are no longer allowing her to get away with an average performance. Serena herself admitted last Wimbledon that she has to come out blazing because there are girls/women out there who come into a tournament just to play that one match of a lifetime to beat her and then get dismissed the next day. She knows that if she wants to win majors, it will require two weeks of focus, determination and great tennis.

Thank heavens we are seeing no more blonde Remi weave

With that said, the American should get to the 4^th round no problemo! Svitolina (26) an up and coming Ukrainian is her potential 3^rd round opponent but I see Serena getting past her without much of a headache. However, we thought that this would have been the case at Wimbledon and the French Open last year and Serena did not get out of the 3^rd round of either of those tournaments. And speaking of those tournament, both Lordlize Cornemort (19) [beat her in the 3^rd round of Wimbledon] and Garbine Muguruza (24) [beat her in the 2^nd round of the French Open] are in this quarter. Serena may face Muguruza in the 4^th round if the Spaniard takes out Fivehead Jankovic (15) in the 3^rd round. Serena will only face Cornemort if the Frenchwoman can get to the quarterfinals; something she has yet to do in her 35 previous appearances at majors.

Do I look bothered by the fact that Muguruza and Cornemort as in my section of the draw? No really do I look bothered because I am not sure if I am at all.

Woz is desperately looking for her 1st major title

Danish Biscuit’s Section Eighth: This is a rather interesting section as Woz opens her campaign for her 1^st ever major title facing young American Taylor Townsend who might be going places in the world of tennis. Nothing would be better for the American than a solid win over a top ranked player. Nonetheless, I think Woz will win this. The really interesting thing about this section is that the 2^nd round opponent for Woz could be 2-time Aussie Open champion, Vickie Azarenka. Vickie is coming off injury and has virtually missed an entire year, so her rankings are not where they could be. Vickie will face Slowe Stephens in the 1^st round, a re-match of 2013 semifinals and 2014 4^th round here in Melbourne. This is a MUST SEE MATCH I think. So Woz has a lot of dangerous floaters in her part including Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (25) in the 3^rd round and either Cornemort (19) or last year’s finalist Cibuttkova (11) in the Round of 16. After getting past all this, Woz might face Serena for a chance to play the semis. She is basically in a mind field; so many potential places for it to all blow up in her face.

2-time champion here in Melbourne is also desperate to find her winning form coming back from injury

GHW Kvitova (4) v Aga Bratzwanska (6) Quarter

Poor Petra does not do well in the heat

GHW Kvitova’s Section Eighth: I honestly expect Kvitova to get to the 4^th round without any problems. Anything less than that, she deserves scorn and mockery. It is time that the 2-time Wimbledon champion stop losing to no-namers all over the place and struggling through “epic 3-set matches”. American Madison Keys has recently added the services of 2000 Aussie Open champion Lindsay Davenport to her camp. Hopefully this helps the young American be more reliable in matches. She will have to get by Kvitova in the 3^rd round though and that will be a true measure of things. Someone to watch in this section is Andrea Petkovic (13) who has a real shot of getting to the 4^th round here looking at the draw. Someone to not watch is Sam Stosur (20) who I am sure will go out in the 1^st round. D’Stove is incapable of winning in her home country. I swear even if you write D’Stove in the final, she would find a way of losing in the semifinals. It is like she is allergic to the home crowd support. So like I said, it is Kvitova’s section to win or lose. She should be in the quarters.

Madison Keys and Lindsay Davenport

Sam stretching for nothing in Melbourne

Aga and her new coach Martina

Aga Bratzwanska (6) Section Eighth: No doubt about it, Aga should make it to the Round of 16 no trouble other than a potential tricky opponent in Varvara Lepchencko (30) in the 3^rd round. However, the real glitz of this section is that Venus Williams (18) is present here. Venus is playing well as per Brisbane and she is moving forward a lot and showing off a much improved volleying technique thanks to Katrina Adams, the new USTA President (congrats gurl). Hopefully, she MUST play smart efficient tennis out there and get through to the 4^th Round. She would have to beat Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) though in the 3^rd round. Also meeting Aga in the Round of 16 is not good because Venus has been dragged by the Pole as of late. She can barely win a set off Aga. So she will need all her strength to get through that match and face Kvitova in the quarters for another showdown match! Their Wimbledon encounter last year was arguably the best match of the women’s tournament.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Ms. Koolaide Juice Jug Halep (3) Bottom Half

Simona has been Martha’s pigeon as of late, so she will be looking to change that this tournament

Halep (3) v Ivanovic the Terrible (5) Quarter

Promise me that Ivanovic the Terrible is not going to show up here in Melbourne.

Ivanovic the Terrible’s Section Eighth: Ana should get to the Round of 16 which she will potential meet tough lefty Ekaterina Makarova (10) there. Makarova is a dangerous floater at majors. She is always good for one major upset. If she gets past the Russian, there will a Romanian in the form of Halep waiting there for her. Meanwhile of her own accord, Ivanovic the Terrible can show up and mess up Ana’s life and have her losing to a Belinda Bencic (32) for no reason in the 3^rd round. So be prepared for anything from this section.

Realz don’t watch my eyebrows. I know they need to be done but we’re not here for that

Halep’s Section Eighth: Halep had a glorious 2014, quarterfinalist here, finals in Roland Garros and Wimbledon semifinals. Not to mention that she made it to the WTA YEC final beating Serena in straight sets on her way there only to lose in straight sets to Serena but she played a great tournament. With all that, Koolaide Juice Jug is hoping to improve upon those results this year with a new coach who she said is more in line with her Romanian philosophy. I think Halep will make the quarterfinal without much of a fuss. In the 3^rd round, she could meet Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki but even this matchup I am sure Halep will get by without any trouble. Sara ETrrani (14) is a possible 4^th round opponent. However, I am not sure what the Italian will do this year on tour. Her ranking is slipping downwards so she would definitely love a boost to be back in the top 10. She is also a dangerous player except when she is playing Martha or Serena. Otherwise, Errani can be hell for most players on her good day. So if Halep wants to win this title or at least get close to winning it, she best watch out for the likes of Errani.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Bouchard (7) Quarter

Wait what? You’re saying if this were the sport that’s the only way I am winning a major?

Bouchard’s Section Eighth: The Canadian is another of those young ladies who had a great 2014: semis in Melbourne, Roland Garros and a Wimbledon final. She also got to the WTA finals but she did not win a single match in her debut. Nonetheless, she has a lot of points to defend this year and without a coach in her corner, things might not be so smooth as they were last year. Bouchard could face veteran and 2-time major champion Kuzi-Rex (27) in the 3^rd round and then the tricky German lefty, Carebear Kerber (9) or that Spanish Lady Hobbit, Carla Suarez Navarro (17) in the Round of 16. I do not think Bouchard is gonna make it to the quarterfinals but one never knows.

Wait what? Cornemort and Murguruza are in the same quarter as Serena? Sweet LOL

And no I don’t practice the dark arts of draw fixing … at least not all the time 🙂

Martha Shriekapova’s Section Eighth: I think we can just about safely write in quarterfinals and/or semifinals. She has no real threats in path at all. In fact, she has not lost to Halep yet. So even if the seeds stay true to form, Martha might be a sure bet. Her 3^rd round opponent is Zarina Diyas (31) who has no fire power to hurt Martha in the least. Only tough draw for the Russian might be Lucie Safarova (16) who will have to play the match of her life to get this upset. Nonetheless, I think we can put Martha in the finals and if anyone shows up other than Kvitova and Serena, it is Martha’s title to win or lose.

So here we are at the end! I hope we have a fun and great Aussie Open this year. Hopefully my favourites get their lives together and win the darn thing!

As much as I want to be loving LiNaLi in this picture giving me life with that beautiful pregnancy glow, that security guard in those shoes is KILLING ME! This is why I can never buy a pair of New Balance to save my life

Vickie is out partying. I hope she has her life together because she has a tough road ahead of her to get back to the top

It is like Venus loves to piss me off. WTF is she wearing a napkin on her head? And I am sorry this dress looks okay but it is giving me Christmas Angel pageant so I cannot approve. Serena I can see your busted edges from here

Wimbledon 2014: Day 4

That’s how I feel right now .. like I could collapse

Well again, I am working on very little sleep here … So Day 4 was all ablaze with the men’s match up of Divadal v Lukas Rosol. Rosol you would remember defeat Divadal in 5 sets back in 2012. However, Divadal beat Rosol earlier this year in Doha in straight sets. Nonetheless, you know how the media can be. Anyway, so for a minute, it looked like Rosol was going to score the upset again. He won the 1^st set 6-4 and was up a break in 2^nd set.

The crows were buzzing overhead to pick up the Divadal entrails

However, he got broken but was able to force it to a tiebreaker where he had the set on his racquet up 5-4. He lost one of those points but got set point at 6-5 but this time on Divadal’s serve. Divadal came up with the goods and took the set and in essence the match. Divadal broke Rosol early in sets 3 and 4 and though Rosol would get it back on serve in the 4^th set 4-4, he got broken immediately and Divadal served it out 4-6 7-6⁶ 6-4 6-4. Needless to say, the result was disappointing. I mean Rosol had a look at a 2-0 sets love lead but basically choked. I mean Divadal does this to players. For two sets, they have good looks at a huge advantage and he dares them to take it. But it seems these players, Klizan, Djoker, Fake Fire Ferrer and Rosol cannot get over that hurdle of really beating Divadal. I also feel like I jinxed Rosol as I was determined not to watch the match but I got curious when he was leading and took a peek. #Icant #Ijustcant

Suck on that Realz. I am coming for your main man Mr. Federer

Anyway onto other matches: Mr. Federer was in vintage form against Gilles Muller 6-3 7-5 6-3. Although rain interrupted play and they had to get off court to close the roof, Mr. Federer returned still in stellar form. The numbers were very impressive from Mr. Federer, along with the 25 aces, he had 1 double fault dropped only 9 points on serve with 44 winners and 5 errors. His biggest serve 127mph was even bigger than Muller’s at 125mph. Mr. Federer never faced a break point. It was like Mr. Federer was playing Andy Roddick all over again. Muller had that 2 dimensional game; try and get a huge 1^st serve in and then crack on the forehand. However, Muller is much more comfortable up at net than Roddick though but Mr. Federer was in target practice mood. In the presser, the journalists pointed out to Mr. Federer that every time he has beaten Muller, he went on to win the tournament.

Q.  Three times you have played Gilles before now and — you’ve gone on to win the tournament.
ROGER FEDERER:  Oh, really?  Ohh.  Are you sure?  (Laughter.) I’ll go check it out … I’m very happy to be
through and happy to hear the news.

Mr. Federer … that’s all

Contrastingly, fellow Swiss Stan the Man Wawrinka (5) was somewhat messy in his 2^nd round match. Yen-Hsun Lu had chances to really make something of this match. Grass is not Wawrinka’s favourite surface and added to this, Wawrinka gave him many looks to really take this match. Lu served for the 1^st set but got broken and was up 5-2 in the breaker only to let Stan back into the set to take it. Even in the 4^th set, after taking the 3^rd set, Lu had a chance to serve for it at 5-4 had he converted on the break point in the 8^th game. Nonetheless it was he who was on the defensive as Stan broke him and served it out for a 7-6 6-3 3-6 7-5 victory.

We’ll take whatever wins we can get. So lay off my case Realz

Both Dennis the Menace Raonic (8) and Kei Horseteethikori (10) made short work of two Americans to move through to the 3^rd round. Dennis the Menace took out Jock Sock 6-3 6-4 6-4 and Horseteethikori took out Denis Kudla 6-3 6-2 6-1. Mountain Troll beat Jarkko Nieminen 7-6 7-6 7-5. Tommy Robredo (23) also won his match in straight sets over France’s Adrian Mannarino 6-4 6-1 7-6. Other winners include last year’s quarterfinalist, Lukas Kubot as well as Denis Istomin and Mikhail Kukushkin. Baby Ali (14) who finally finished up his 2^nd round match against American Sam Querrey aka the Grinch 4-6 7-6 6-76-3 14-12. They were 9-9 at the end of the previous day’s play.

Baby Ali doing the happy dance

Nick Kyrgios sent Gasquet packing

Unfortunately, the other two top French men were not so lucky in their 2^nd round matches. Resident clown Beetlejuice (24) went out to Jiri Vesely of Czech Republic. Beetlejuice dropped the first two sets and then rallied to take the next two in breakers. Now you would think someone of Beetlejuice’s experience he would be able to find a way to win it in the 5^th. Nope, he mucked about the place and Vesely broke him in the 9^th game and served it out for a 7-6 6-3 6-7 6-7 6-4 victory. The other Frenchman, Gasquet (13) was facing a 19-year-old wild card entrant in the form of Nick Kyrgios of Australia. Gasquet was up 2-0 sets in the match and allowed Kyrgios to take the next two. He would have 9; that’s NINE match points and unable to convert any of them. Kyrgios took it 3-6 6-7 6-4 7-5 10-8. There was another upset, Philipp Khlschreiber (22) was also knocked out in 5 sets by Simone Bolelli.

Serenanator was very serene on court as she dismantled Scheepers … Wait is Martha saying shite about me

On the women side, Serenanator (1) and Shriekapova (5) are on a collision course with each other in the quarterfinals. They both dismantled their respective opponent. ReRe won 6-1 6-1 and Martha 6-2 6-1. Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide was supposed to play yesterday but rain suspended play in the afternoon and it would be played today. Carebear Kerber (9) won over Heather Watson 6-2 5-7 6-1. Now I like Watson as she has a really fun personality or so it seems via Facebook etc. However, what bothers me about her and a lot of the young players on the tour is that they really are “opportunists.” They cannot win unless the top players are choking. They cannot create anything on their side to remotely hurt the “big girls;” they rely heavily on others mistakes and not them taking the offensive. Take Watson, she fought her way into the 2^nd set and closed it out 7-5. Come 3^rd set, NOTHING! NADA! NOUGHT! She almost went down 0-6. Consider Muguruza, Bouchard and Halep at the French against Shriekapova. They only got to the 3^rd set and again they were not able to do anything even though the momentum was in their favour.

What you going to do about it?

Not today Satan! Not today! Jehovah talk to her, please! I am trying to be a good girl at Wimbledon. She is trying to bring Laquanda on court. Laquanda is not allowed to come out. She’s on probation. She’s not nasty. She’s just real. Keeps it real. And you just definitely don’t want to cross her. Because you cross her, then she snaps. I don’t speak to her very often. I try never to see her. She’s nuts. Spare her Jehovah in these words I pray. Amen

Meanwhile, Eva had this to say on the matter, Martha best to chill. I won’t be able to protect you if Laquanda comes on court. I can barely protect myself.

Adje!!! Ana is on court and not Ivanovic the Terrible

Anyway, speaking of Bouchard (13) she won her match in straight sets. She could potentially meet Serenanator in the Round of 16. Ana Ivanovic (11) so far is on court in her first two matches as she too moved through to the 3^rd round. No sign so far of Ivanovic the Terrible. Last year’s semifinalist and finalist Kristin Flipkens (24) and Sabine Losicki (19) both won their 2^nd round matches in straight sets. Andreas Petkovic (20) and Lady Cornemort (25) aka Alize Cornet of France are also through to the 3^rd round both winning in 3 sets. Cornemort will face the Serenanator in the 3^rd round. Cornemort beat the Serenanator earlier this year, so it is a re-match with ReRe looking for the revenge kill. Other winners of interest who also made it to the 3^rd round include Yaraslova Shvedova who took out last year’s quarterfinalist Kaia Kanepi in 3 sets, American Madison Keys also won in 3 sets as well as fellow American Alison Riske who took out Camila Giorgi 7-5 6-2. Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15) got dismissed in three sets by Zarina Diyas.

 The Divadal’s hair raising problem

First it looks like this

Then this

midway it start looking like wet feathers

And then even he can’t deal with the mess

ARGHHH I’ve thinning hair… Why can’t I get Roger’s locks

Well good thing I have a decent body to compensate

Don’t even know what to say about this hair

WTF indeed Carlo? We are all wondering why you look like this

What a handsome lady

Anyone else noticing how much happier Lochness Monster seem. I mean I’ve never seen him smile so often. If this continues, I might have to call him Puff the Magic Dragon

Just hanging with the boys

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?

Sometimes ….

Now to worry, you’re not alone.

Yeah I had to cover it up because gurl, it is like the Amazon down there.

Do you think we look foolish? No. I think we might just look ridiculous

Hey gurl

Well how you doing?

 

 

 

Wimbledon 2014: Day 3

This is how I like to think of myself when it comes to tennis … I exude absolute coolness

I guess because this is late, I cannot think of anything to tell you but the scores. I hope you folks are enjoying the blog. I have to say that I forsake sleep and exercise to get it out to you. So PLEASE COMMENT, LIKE and SHARE. It is an interesting fact that a lot of people read blogs but rarely comment. That is to say that more people read the blogs that actually do comment. So if you get like 20 comments per posting, you probably have well over 2000 readers … I mean I do not know the real science behind but I am sure the different is exponential. Most people do not notice this on the popular blogs that they read mainly because said blog has A LOT of readers. I would love for that to happen to RealzTenisFanz. Make it happen okay. I beg you.

She was a mess against Shark Boy who almost bit his wig off

So Djoker Harlequeen (1) was a mess against Shark Boy Stepanek. I mean seriously, he barely knew whether he was coming or going. Shark Boy was making him look amateur at some points. Djoker was up 5-2 in that breaker if I am not mistaken and allowed Stepanek back into the match. I have to say though that Stepanek was working his shark tail off. He really wanted a set from Djoker; something he had never done before. Well he got his wish. He won a set but he certainly did not win the match. Djoker moves through to the 3^rd round 6-4 6-3 6-7 7-6. Meanwhile, Lochness Monster just gobbled up his competition. He dropped just two games in the match 6-1 6-1 6-0.

Amelie is proud of her work so far with Lochness Monster

Berdshite (6) played another piece of mess Bernard Tampomic for a place in the 3^rd round. For a while, it looked as though Tampomic was going to get the upset as Berdshite was simply meandering around the court and barely trying to win the match. Tampomic took the 1^st set 6-4 and had looks in the next two sets. However, after the Aussie butt lost the 2^nd and 3^rd sets in the breakers, he would become dejected on court. Berdshite capitalized on this negativity and ran away with the match 4-6 7-6 7-6 6-1. Sharapova’s clutch, Dimitrov (11) was able to finish off another Australian, Luke Saville, in straight sets, 6-3 6-2 6-4. A lot of people are talking about Dimitrov like he has some chance of winning Wimbledon this year … Yeah I mean he does have a chance if food poisoning attacks the draw and leaves them debilitated. I mean anything can happen no?

YEAHHHHHHH I won the battle of the shits

Other winners on the day include Mr. Pignini (16), Kevin Anderson (20), BWLLAGWLLAB Dolgopolov (21), Chin Cilic (26), Roberto Bautista-Agut (27), Leonard Mayer who beat Marcos Fathdatis, Gilles Simon who will play Djoker in the 3^rd round as well as fellow countryman Jeremy Chardy who beat Marinko Matosevic in 5 sets.

Fake Fire Ferrer got blown out in the 2nd round AND not in a good way

There were several upsets of notable players. Fake Fire Ferrer (7) ended his run of consecutive Round of 16 or better at a major at 16 as he was dismissed in the 2^nd round by Andrey Kuznetsov in 5 sets. Kuznetsov won 6-7 6-0 3-6 6-3 6-2. It is rather shocking as one expected better of Fake Fire Ferrer. I guess that beatdown in Paris from Divadal did not help his spirits. Fake Fire Ferrer stated after that devastating lost that he basically gave up. Seems like that fighting spirit is gone. I mean he lost a set 0-6 to some scrub though Kuznetsov was the boy’s champion here back in 2009 if I am not mistaken. Anyway another bit upset was Ernest Gulbis (12) aka Goony Gulbis who got clipped by that “2^nd Round seed killer” Sergiy Stakhovsky. You might remember Stakhovsky who took out Mr. Federer last year in this same round. Now this year, he came for Gulbis, the 2014 French Open semifinalist who incidentally beat Mr. Federer in the 4^th round of the French Open this year. Stakhovsky was all over Goony Gulbis’s wig from the start as he broke him at love if I am not mistaken. Stakhovsky would lead all the way to a 6-4 6-3 7-6 victory. Gulbis would later say he in essence did not have his “A-game” for reasons he could not get into. I mean seriously gurl, ain’t nobody was checking for you to do anything special at Wimbledon. We all expected you to flap like some chicken wings and fly to nowhere fast. So whatever gurl, in the worlds of the immortal Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” Meanwhile, the ever enigmatic Mikhail Youzhny (17) lost in 4 sets to some qualifier. Here again, no one was really checking for this one but we sorta figured that these lower scrubs would have the decency to at least get to the 3^rd round or the Round of 16 but whatever. They most certainly were not relevant to the plot here at Wimbledon.

What she said!!

On the ladies side, LiNaLi (2) made easy work of Yvonne Meusburger 6-2 6-2 to move quietly through to the 3^rd round. Bratzwanska (4) took on Aussie Casey Dellacqua and was up 5-1 in the 1^st set before losing the momentum as Dellacqua broke her twice to get back on serve 4-5. However, Dellacqua got all … I don’t even know what to say, I guess she got “leotarded” as she went on to lose 7 successive games in a row. Bratzwanska moves through 6-4 6-0. Dellacqua you really could not try and lift Australia’s hopes since D’Stove went out like a candle in the wind in the 1^st round. Whatever gurl! Whatever! Anyway Grand High Witch, GHW Kvitova (6) took out Mona Barthel as though she stole something from her coven. Kvitova down 1-2 in the 1^st set, reeled 11 straight games to take the match 6-2 6-0.

Bratzwanska is quietly moving through the draw possibly heading to another Wimbledon final

GHW will take on Ebony Starr Williams (30) aka Venus in the 3^rd round. Granny Vee won 7-6⁴ 6-1 over her opponent, Kumuri Nara. Now, Granny Vee was behind nearly every stage of the match; down 0-3 in the 1^st set then 1-4 in the tiebreaker and finally down a break 0-1 in the 2^nd set. However, the very experienced lady got her life together or perhaps she realized that I was reading her for filth on RealzTenisFanz the Facebook edition as well as on Twitter. Whatever the case, she began to play the type of tennis that brought her 7 major titles. She will need to play way way way better than this to take out GHW who has a 3-1 record over the American. Actually I do not care how Granny Vee wins, just as so long as it is legal and she wins.

Granny Vee look to be her old self

Other winners include Cibuttkova (10) who rallied from 2-5 down in the 3^rd set to get past some Belgian Alison Van Uytvanck I think it is, 3-6 6-3 8-6. Danish Biscuit (16), Lady Gollum Safarova (23) and Ekaterina Makarova (22) all won in straight sets. Former Wimbledon finalist back in 2010, Vera Zvonareva beat British hopeful Tara Moore I think it is 6-4 6-7 9-7. Zvonareva twice had to fight for her life as Moore served for the match up 5-3 and 6-5 in the 3^rd set. Seems like Zvonareva finally found some backbone as she did not wither away on court. You know usually the court would be flooded with tears in these tough situations.

Tear free is Zvonareva

By way of upsets, we saw Vickie (8) being dismissed by Bojana Jovanovski 3-6 6-3 5-7. Vickie fought her way back from 1-4 in the 3^rd set but that iffy serve of her could not help her sustain the momentum. I really hope Jovanovski makes some noise and not just screaming her throat out on court. I have long liked the look of this girl, Jovanovski I mean. I really hope that she makes much of this win and not get upset in the 3^rd round because she does favour being a BBB (Basic Ball Basher). Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) also got dismissed by American Lauren Davis in straight sets, 4-6 6-7. Elena Vesnina (32) who beat Granny Vee in 2012 in the 1^st round also got sent home. You know I am all smiles about this. Other interesting losers, Coco Vandeweghe, Varvane Lepchenko, Maria Krazilenko and Yanina Wickmayer all scored upsets in the 1^st round and all got dismissed in the 2^nd round. “Gurls Bye!”

I mean Professora X says it best

Maria’s clutch Dimitrov giving you that “European scruff look” as well as a treasure trail

Yeah even I applaud myself

Chin Cilic giving you more scruff

Baby Ali

Even more chest … but something tells me the treasure not up top

Yeah you should hang your head in shame. We need to work on the tummy some more

Tomic showing his paper thin chest

Fiery Ferrer is always good for shirtless pics

The ladies trying to get into the action

Hanging low

Hmm … Hmm .. I don’t know what to say. I swear I didn’t photoshop this picture. This is Tara Moore of Great Britain. All I can said gurl is that you have way more than others

Why you here??

Shark Boy

If you look closely you can see the marks on his face left by a savage attack from the ugly stick

Moaning Mona, I thought we talk about you more Pro Activ about that face. Gurl is like you got beaten with a meat tenderizer

Honey gurl! A pink ball? I mean you didn’t have to be this obvious trying to hit on the man

Camilla throwing shade to basic bitches!

I’m having a great time here drinking … I feel so comfortable with you. I’m gonna let you in on a lil secret

What gurl? Dish it

I totally just farted and it is one of those silent deadly ones. WTF bitch? You foul gurl!

Huh? You heard me … I said it is my upper back that’s hurting not my ass

I’m gonna stick my finger up your ass. Let me know when I’ve gone too far. TOO FAR! WAY TOO FAR

Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part III: WTA Pre-Party Event

So each year, before Wimbledon, the WTA has this gala event for the ladies. Now, I am not invited much to my chagrin but that still does not mean that I do not get to see what’s going on. Anyway, the ladies love this event because they get to “dress up” and show up. It is something like the Oscar’s of tennis or something along those lines. Of course, you have some Best Dress! some Worse Dress! and then some WTF is that Dress?? So since you weren’t there either, Realz figured, why got get you some pictures and have you judging for yourself.

Daniela is just giving it all right here! She is living for this moment. Pity her tennis can’t match this effort.. You get an A

Daniela show these itches for it is DONE!!! Gurl you get an A+++++ You killed it right here

I am feeling the dress Belinda, the shoes half way but you could have at least put some make up on your feet. Gurl, it ain’t a cute look. It looks like white gym socks in heels. You get an B-

Sabine, gurl you turned it out here! You not winning tennis titles but you giving Daniela a run for the crown today… SEXY! CLASSY! WERQ!!! A+

Excellent. Young, cute, hip. I think you can do better but it was a nice choice nonetheless Monica. And the hair is werqing for me B+++

Bratzwanska… you look cute but this looks too old for you… I was trying to figure out what I didn’t like about this… you’re 24 I think, you look like a Stepford Wife from Cougar Town. So give your mother this dress and have Daniela H help you with your shopping. You have got an A if you were over 40 but since you’re in your early 20s you can a D for Dress your Age

Oh Martha, I’m gonna need you to fire this stylist right now.. Not a good look… those shoulders gurls… No! You get an D+

Honey what’s going on with those feet? Your feet will be killing you tomorrow for sure… Not cute.. No Im gonna change to a D-

Gurl even from the side it is no better… You looking like the Head Nurse on the Star Trek Enterprise. You need to be beamed off this ship… Actually, your final grade is an F

Meanwhile, Venus wearing something similar to play in this year and it looks way better than Maria’s

Serena really overall, you look good but you’re giving me someone’s naughty mistress about to jet off to a late-night rendez-vous with the trench coat. You can do better. Meanwhile, the bra looks heavenly. M for Mistress

Gurl can you even get past the 4th round of a major anymore? You got jokes. I am coming for your wig Martha!!

Dominika, you might get mad for this… But you look like ShowGirls… and I am talking about the movie here.. #bad #horrible #tacky Straight up F

I am sorry Dominika but Courtney Act wore it better #rupaulsdragrace

Dominika again, this is just tacky…Save this for your fiance and the honeymoon…

And she’s killing it right now!!! And Cibulkova, Courtney Act is a bio boy

Venus I’m gonna need you to do better! Really gurl, you came out in this? No unacceptable at this level B for Basic

Hmmm I see your hand is damage Laura so clearly you didn’t put yourself in it all by yourself. So I am going to need you to fire your handlers because this is abuse of the physically impaired. H for Helpless and Handicap

Ursula came ashore from the Under the Sea. Anastasia Pavy… I swear you wore this just to have me come for you. Gurl, the only thing cute here is the tattoo on your foot. That’s it… everything else.. trash.. I can’t even with that hair.. I am gonna have to give you an X, you need to be Xed outta here Ladies and gents, this is one of the real mysteries of life? Why would you leave your home looking like this and allow yourself to be photographed?

Genie, I am gonna need you to get back into the bottle with this one and stay in there… Everything is all wrong except the hair and then you gone and put your hand in it for a 1980’s look… Honey you weren’t even born in the 80s… CHOP! Bye Gurl… You get an H for Hellz NO

Gurl I don’t even know who you are but what I do know is that that is outfit is a NO GO You get an F

Andrea really gurl? You look like being in a dress is punishment… This look isn’t working for me at all. You made this dress this afternoon? And those shoes… honey… honey.. honey… NO! Give your mother back her shoes. I’m gonna really need you to do better P for Plastic

Vickie I know you have been off for a bit but still, this look isn’t ready. So get back into the car and drive back home and pick something else C-

Li Na or should I say Li HELLZ NA. WTH gurl? You looking like an eggplant and not the fresh kind. P for Produce

Li saw this is the look and thought that her efforts were equal work. If I were Gucci, I would sue..

Clearly this is someone’s first times in heels.. The dress however, belongs to her younger sister… NOPE

Slowe Stephens, you are tardy for this party. You looking like you missed the mark of the Tina Turner LookaLike contest. So you need throw yourself off Mountain High and drown this look river deep. You get a T… for Tired and Tried look

You’re really trying here and Im gonna give you an E for Effort but I don’t like the dress colours. It fits and you’re werqing it but still you can do better! Sorry gurl but I’m gonna have to give you a B for Boring

Soriana I expected better from you… No, looking like some punk rocker’s ex girlfriend… P for Poor

Oh Mischa… see this is why we should all say no to drugs. It addles the brain and we leave the house looking like this and think we’re cute… but gurl this dress needs to be in the garbage chute.

Oh gurl… how about we just wrap you in this shawl alone and call it a day. I am sure it costs more than everything else you’re wearing combined. She is giving me goodwitch, wicked witch of the west and Dorothy with them shoes all in one.

I mean the shoes are killing me!!!

I think Vera D got her grandmother to embroider this for her. It looks like a huge handkerchief made into a dress…So she should throw this snot cloth in the trash… The pattern is cute though..

I mean I don’t want to say it but I mean really, drag queens can do better than this… Not a cute look at all

This is from last year’s even but I couldn’t resist because this is just horrible all year round forever!! Anna K gets an H for HOT MESS Looks like Bethanie recycled this dress to make hers for this year and use the bleeding colours to dye her hair

Oh Bethanie… You’re wearing the hotel’s sheet and gurl that ain’t chic! You get an F

I swear she took this picture just to have me hate on her… I am not going to take the bait…

I will resist the temptation. Not today Satan! Not today!!

I mean come on now… Need I say more other than Fivehead JungleWitch! Why Jelena? Why??

#icant with you Fivehead. You look some high sorceress priestess about to kill someone for sacrifice. Not my blood Vampire Queen

Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part II: The Ladies

So the ladies are set for the major of all the majors, Wimbledon. Very few ladies enjoy this tournament because this is the place where “pushing” and “looping” the ball around do not count. Those pushers and loopers die early out there. You have to have some power in your arsenal as well as deadly kill shots if you intend to do well. Even if you sneak into the final, your opponent will just crush you for days. Ask Vera Zvonavera (2010) and Bratzwanska (2012).  Therefore look for the “big girls” to do well; Serenanator, Shriekapova, Ebony Starr (one is hoping and praying), Losicki, Grand High Witch Kvitova etc etc. They are the ones who if they keep their head cool and their game tight, will be the ones in the final. Anyway, I do not have much to say about the ladies because they haven’t done much of consequence lately.

Last year’s finalists Bartoli and Losicki

Just like the men, the draw of 128 has been broken down into the Top Half (Serenanator and Halep) and the Bottom Half (LiNaLi and Bratzwanska). Each half was then further broken down into Quarters. Again, I am not going to make any real predictions but give a likely scenario and speak of possible interesting matchups. We need not make a fool of ourselves by speaking of prediction because we saw how that turned out last time at the French. I mean seriously, Serenanator lost to Muguruza in the 2^nd round. Venus losing to some Schmediova. Really gurl? Really? By the end of the first week, nearly the entire top 10 was out of the competition. You do not even need to ask but you know I was not handling this Shriekapova victory well at all. I couldn’t deal!

Anyway, the lead up tournaments to Wimbledon were all won by unlikely candidates; Ivanovic the Terrible got her life together and brought Ana to the court to win her first grass court title in Birmingham, Coco Vandeweghe…yeah that Coco Vandeweghe won ‘s-Hertogenbosch which is in Holland I think if I am not mistaken and another American Madison Keys won Eastbourne. These winners are not known for their grass court prowess but it will be interesting to see what happens to them at Wimbledon. Speaking of Wimbledon, unlike for the men, the committee decided not to touch the women’s seedings. The top 32 ranked players were seeded as such. They didn’t even move up Shriekapova (5) or Ebony Starr (30). I mean if you are going to bump up the likes of Andreas Seppi from 34^th in the world to 25^th seed Tabasco Verdasco from 23^rd to 18^th seed and Jerzy Janowicz from 24^th to the 15^th seed then demote Stan W who is 3^rd in the world to 5^th seed and put World’s number one Divadal who won only a single match in 2 years at Wimbledon as the number 2 seed, you might as well apply some of this inane logic to the ladies. I am just saying that Cibulkova doesn’t deserve to be 10^th seed and who are we kidding with LiNaLi being the number 2 seed and D’Stove Stosur as the 17^th seed. Anyway, I digress..

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Serenanator [1] v Shriekapova [5]

So the Serenanator has been having issues at the majors. She has been a mess as of late by her own standards. However, Wimbledon is her favourite place to play and she is looking for her 6^th Wimbledon crown. If she is set her year right, Wimbledon is definitely the place to begin. She has a somewhat tough draw, possibly facing fellow American Christina McHale aka McFail in the 2^nd round, then in the 3^rd round Alize Cornet aka Cornemort (23) who beat her in Dubai semifinal this year and a very hot Genie Bouchard (13) in the Round of 16. Then on top of all of that, she can face Shriekapova (5) in the quarterfinals which would the 10^th anniversary of their meeting in the 2004 final when Shriekapova simply crushed the Serenanator. Ironically, it has been nearly 10 years since Shriekapova last beat the Serenanatnor. Andreas Petkovic (20) is also in this section of the draw as a possible 3^rd round opponent for the American.

As of late S in Serenanator has come to mean, S for Struggle

Things are not so easy for reigning French Open champion Shriekapova either. She not only have to factor in that if she wants to win Wimbledon she will need to solve her Serenanator problem in the quarterfinals but first there is also Anastasia Pavlychenkova (26) aka Fattychunkova or Camila Giorgi in the 3^rd round and Carebear Kerber (9) in the Round of 16. Now these ladies, Fattychunkova, Giorgi and Kerber aren’t really worthy opponents for Shriekapova but they have shown in the past that they can beat her and they will be looking for win here if for nothing else but to shut her up. She has really grown quite full of herself as of late. Shriekapova will be looking for the French Open/Wimbledon double which has not been done on the ladies side since the Serenanator in 2002.

Shriekapova getting that practice in

Quarter 2: Halep [3] v Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic [7]

The 2014 French Open finalist, Halep (3) should have an easy enough time getting to the Round of 16 which she would possibly face the winner of the Ivanovic the Terrible (11) or Sabine Losicki (19) 3^rd round match. Ivanovic the Terrible will have to get past Francesco Schiabone in the 1^st round. Fivehead Jankovic (7) might be facing Halep in the quarters but there is Yaroslava Shvedova lurking in the 2^nd round. There is an interesting 1^st round matchup of Madison Keys v Monica Puig. This is worth watching. This section is about as easy a section as one can be. So watch out for a breakthrough star/unknown to come out of this region.

Halep trying to win her 1st major

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Bratzwanska [4] v Vickie [8]

I am so happy that Vickie is back on the tour. She is a delight to watch and I know she would spare me from some of the silliness I have seen on the tour during her absence. I am happy that she is back. She lost in her first round encounter in Eastbourne last week but I am sure she will get better at this tournament. Last year she had to pull out in the 2^nd round I think due to injury but in 2012 she made the semis and also won an Olympic bronze medal. So she can play on the stuff. She is an unpredictable factor in this section of the draw. She also has to with Garbine Muguruza (27) or Coco Vandeweghe in the 3^rd round and the winner of the 3^rd round matchup of Cibuttkova (10) and Lucie Safarova (23) aka Lady Gollum in the Round of 16.

Vickie is eager to get back on the court of another major

Bratzwanska (4) did not have the French Open that she would have preferred. She didn’t even make it past the 3^rd round if I am not mistaken. She has to deal with Kuzi-Rex (28) in the 3^rd round. Tsvetana Pironkova and Varvarne Lepchenko who play each other in the 1^st round could be a possible 4^th round opponent. There is also Sara Errani (14) in this section of the draw. Alien v Predator (Errani) has to get past France’s Caroline Garcia.

Quarter 4: LiNaLi (2) v GHW Kvitova (6)

GHW showing off her magic works

2011 Champion Kvitova (6) is looking to recapture the magic here. She has been a sorta no-show for most tournaments since that historic win several years ago. She also found herself in scandal when she recently started dating Shark Boy Radek Stapenek. However, she dumped the ugly troll recently and might be more focused on her tennis. Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams (30) is in this section of the draw and could face Kvitova in the 3^rd round. Seriously, Venus is capable of getting to the finals. HONESTLY she can do this. However, we are talking about Venus here and relying on her to do good things is like quitting your job and banking on winning the lottery to support yourself. #foolish #uttermadness. Nonetheless, on a personal note, I feel this is my best option right now in life since I am unemployed. So do not count Venus out. Slowe Stephens (18) who has shown a propensity to play well at majors is also in this section of the draw. However, she has Maria Krazilenko in the 1^st round. This might be a tough draw for the American especially since Krazilenko, 2012 quarterfinalist, can really play on this stuff.

This is Venus’s look for this year’s Wimbledon… I am a mehh for this one. Not the best but certainly not the worst

The sisters are playing doubles this year

LiNaLi should make the quarters; emphasis on SHOULD. This section is not loaded as other sections. There are Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16) and Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) lurking about in these parts. Neither player has shown herself to be competent on grass. Albeit that LiNaLi isn’t known for her fine play on grass. However, Danish Biscuit and D’Stove have “somewhat tough” opening round matches. Danish Biscuit plays Shahar Peer and D’Stove plays Yanina Wickmayer.

LiNaLi is trying to create some energy behind her name here at Wimbledon. She has basically flatlined since Melbourne

Can someone tell me why Judy Murray is outside in pjs.

This concludes the ladies’ draw. Now who do you think will emerge as champion and why? Comment below!

I know many of you might not think the Preview’s are Realz’s usual realzness. However, there is a Part III looking at the WTA cocktail event. Be sure to tune in.

Australian Open 2014: Day 3

CLT+ALT+DEL

Hey Fanz I am so sorry that this posting is coming to you at about the time that Day 4 is set to begin at the Australian Open. Well technically, Day 4 has already begun. I was having extreme technical difficulties. I just found out that the hard drive on my laptop is damaged and that I will loose everything that is on it. This is a bummer and a half. I do not know much about computers. Needless to say that I am hot like the weather in Australia. The only good thing is that the computer is still under warranty. My desktop was not working so well but that was a simple easier fix. So I can post this and the others hopefully.

I think someone is literally being barbequed right now

To the tennis: MY GOD IT IS HOT DOWN UNDER. Everyone is complaining about the heat. I mean we all know that it is hot in Australia at this time but now it is RIDONCULOUS. #Globalwarmingmuch The on court temperatures are hotter than outside temperatures and players are burning up…and not in the good way. It is mainly survival tennis at this time…ie if they can survive the heat to play tennis..

Shade… I must get to the shade…

But let’s get to the results.

It was a semi-tough day out there for the Chinese but she is through to the 3rd round

LiNaLi won her matchup in sorta convincing fashion. LiNaLi won the 1st set in bagel fashion but struggled in the 2nd as Belinda Bencic started to play for real now. However, get valiant effort didn’t pay off as she lost in the tiebreaker. The Swiss is one of the younglings to keep an eye on for the future. The Serenanator was far more routine in her victory 6-1 6-2. Sam D’Stove Stosur is finding her game in Australia again these days as she took out the ever dangerous Pironkova in straight sets 6-2 6-0. Pironkova however had a broken crotch and was clearly hampered by this. Nonetheless, D’Stove will take the win. I believe she’ll face Ana the Terrible for a place in the Round of 16 where the winner will face the Serenanator if current form holds true.

I am ready for these itches…BRING IT ON

Several seeded players lost their way to the 3rd round. Lisicki (15) didn’t get the rest of the game plan for the 2nd and 3rd sets from Hingis as after winning the 1st set 6-2 over Niculescu, she basically didn’t even know her way to Sesame Street. Lisicki had a blonde moment that lasted the rest of the match. Meanwhile, Niculescu seized the moment to hold serve and fried up a two piece combo meal for Lisicki. Niculescu 2-6 6-2 6-2
Casey Dellacqua gave Australia much to smile about as she trashed 18th seed Kristen Flipkens 6-3 6-0.

Lisicki in the 1st set!

Losicki after the 2nd and 3rd sets

Most of the other seeded players came through for the 3rd round including Carebear Kerber (9),Ana the Terrible (14) Makarova (22), Safarova (26) aka Lady Gollum, Flavia Penne Pasta (28),Eugenie Bouchard (30) and Daniela Hepburnova (31) who won 12-10 in the 3rd set.

Eugenie Bouchard of Canada… honey you bought that outfit from a moose in Saskatchewan?

One would think that with all these gay fans, she would not be committing these fashion atrocities… But I guess that’s how they roll in Canada

Other notable winners included Americans Laura Davis who dismissed Julia Goerges in 3 sets, Alison Riske who handed out unlimited breadsticks to Yanina Wickmayer 6-1 6-1, Moaning Mona Barthel who is benefitting from the ousting of Petra Kvitova. Jie Zheng former semifinalist here in 2010 also won with a 3 set victory over American Madison Keys.

Djoker is all business with his easy bake oven draw

I’m sorry but Boris Becker looks like an overexuberant butch lesbian soccer mom

On the men’s side Djoker Harlequeen isn’t wasting time on court as he dismissed his opponent on convincing fashion 6-0 6-4 6-4. Berdshite also won in straight sets. Fiery Ferrer needed 4 sets to get through the 3rd round. He’s randomly dropping sets these days so look for and early round lost from the Spaniard. I don’t see him getting to the latter stages of this major. Sam Querry aka the Grinch took out the 23rd seed Ernst Gulbis in straight sets. I hope no one was betting on Gulbis because he’s never sure money unless you’re betting on his opponent. Gulbis ever remains that enigma. I was actually surprised that he was seeded here and so high. Nonetheless, very good of Sam to try to salvage American mens tennis. They need all the big wins they can get.

The Grinch is trying to steal his way into the latter stages of a major

There were two other seeded players who got dispersed but wasn’t really make losses. Youzhny (14) lost to Florian Mayer in 5 sets. I expected more from the Russian but I forgot he’s Russian and meltdown is inevitable. His compatriot 30th seed Dmitry Tursunov fell to Denis Istomin in 4 sets. Istomin is a dangerous floater so watch him. Ivan Dodig (32) had to retire in the 4th set.

I hope you aall didn’t forget about me

Things are so bad with Davydenko these days, he got himself a tan.

Despite this, most of the other seeded players played their parts to the hilt and were able to move through to play another day. Gasquet (9) came through in straight sets over Nikolay Davydenko. I expected at least 4 sets from this match but Gasquet is playing smart tennis these days at majors. Good of him. High time now he produces the top level tennis we all hoped he would give. Pity he came win a major unless a plague hits the draw. However he’s not the only one praying for the locusts to fly, Fabio Fognini (15), Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19), Jerzy Janowicz (20), Jeremy Chardy (29) all hope that God would send the floods again to wash the top 6 away because the Red Sea will part again before they win a major whilst the top 6 are alive and well in the draw. They can barely win regular tour tournaments much more hoist a major trophy. When was the last time one of the top 6 didn’t win the master level trophy? Probably like 2011 and that was just one person I think.

Florian Mayer working himself through to the 3rd round

Anyway in regards to that much anticipated showdown between Matthew Ebden and Vasek Pospisil (28) Pospisil won of course in 4 sets giving the Aussie a breadstick to wave to the crowd in the 4th set 3-6 7-6 7-6 6-1 what a waste!

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this posting despite it’s late arrival….

She might not be pretty in pink but she sure is powerful! You know a woman is doing it and doing it right when she got her man carrying the purse! ReRe that lil pouchette is killing me

I thought Stella was improving… simple, clean, effective and cute

Then I saw this mess…

Stella needs to STOP!!! Why can’t I get a real endorsement deal and be spared from this garbage??

Berdshite is a soccer player now?? I mean seriously H&M can’t you do better than this

Kuzi, I don’t know what got into you and the stars but I need for you to night night to this hideous dress… NO BUENO

Checkmate!! Move this piece off the board IMMEDIATELY

Keep staring at the wall… You are on punishment for that skirt!!

Hot head!!

My ears are melting!

Sleepytime

What had happened? What you mean it is not nap time??

WTF?? His teeth matches his shirt! I know times are changing and tennis all about colours but we can at least keep our teeth white to pay hommage… that’s just FOUL..

Monica…this face is not okay!! You are scaring the children!!

The best thing about Andy Murray is Daniel Vallverdu

I think so too… he is delish!!

Djoker is showing his “treasure chest”

I am not impressed

Berdshite showing off the clean smooth look

Hmmm I might want a taste of some of that but…

I think I am sexy and I hope you think so too

It’s okay but still

A Brazilian and a Spaniard combo

YES now this is what I am talking about… I am definitely get behind this kinda meal combo

Huh?? What are you doing? I told you, it is my wrist that’s hurting

YEAHHHHHHHH TAKE IT LIKE A MAN… TAKE IT I see gaynesia about to happen in 5, 4, 3, 2…

I’m trying…

Hey Realz, I am talking to you… Stop saying shit about my man Lleyton. Yes I did done stole him from Kim but that’s none of your business. She was flexible is true but my mouth made up for it in bed and Lleyton chose me. I will not tolerate any more smack about him. I will hunt you down like a dog if you say one more thing about him. You have been warned!

US Open 2013: Day 2

Things are well on their way at the Open. Day 2 was favourable weather

This entry is going to be a very very quick one. I am trying to stay on top of everything out here and really trying to discipline myself to be more focus because I lose a lot of time. So on Day 2 nothing of consequence happened per se. The USTA and the weather allowed all scheduled singles matches to be played including all incomplete matches from Day 1. I am not sure about the doubles event but then again, I hardly check on that end of the tournament. Some interesting results on the men’s side: Americans Jock Sock and Donald Young are through to the 2nd round. Young decimated his opponent, dropping just 2 games in the entire match and Sock was holding his own against an ailing Petzschner and got through when the German finally retired down 2-5 in the 3rd set.

Hold the applause please! I have a lot of catching up to do at this year’s open

By the way, while I have your attention, let me just say this. Mr. Federer is ranked 7 in the world. Yes 7 as in the number after 6 and before 8. Whenever I hear the number 7 and Mr. Federer in the same sentence, I think they are talking about 17 major titles, or 7 Wimbledon titles or even winning 7 matches at a major to win the title but never 7 and his ATP ranking. You know my heart almost failed. However, Mr. Federer has had a miserable year thus far. I think he may have won 1 title and his 2nd round loss at Wimbledon after being the defending champion coupled with his dismal performance in Europe thereafter to find his confidence. What he found at Gstaad and Hamburg were beatdowns at the hands of players he ordinarily eat up for a snack. He lost to Divadal in 3 sets in Cincinnati. So if there is ever a time Mr. Federer needs a miracle, it is here in NYC at the Open and you know I would be right here praying along with him.

Will it be the Djoker or Djuggernaut who shows up at this year’s US Open?

Lurch

Beetlejuice is BACK!!!

The usual suspects on the men’s side came and conquered. Mr. Federer of course, Djoker who was looking as polished as ever, Milos Raonic of Canada even Sam Querry  and John Isner got things going their way. Other winners include Tomas Berdych aka Lurch and Tommy “Head and Shoulders” Haas. Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice is looking fit as fiddle as he breezed through his match 6-1 6-2 6-0. Hopefully he is fully back on the tour; no injuries and no foolish heroics on the court.

Nicolas Almagro yet another wayward on tour since the dawning of Divadal

Undoubtedly there were those who saw it fit to slow the party. Jerzy Janowicz, the 14th seed, who I had high hopes for at these championships was ailing with his back and was dismissed in 3 sets. 28th seed Juan Monaco and 15th seed Nicolas Almagro were also bounced early from these games. Monaco may have been hurt but as for Almagro, this result is simply indicative of the sucky level of play he has been producing for a while now. I do not know what his deal is but he needs to get his life together.

I almost forgot that Mr. Sugapova, Grigor Dimitrov lost in 4 sets to a Portuguese hottie Joao Sousa in 5 sets.

I don’t know if it is too much sugar in his diet but Mr. Sugapova needs to his life together. He also needs to burn his shirt because it is giving me a seizure right now

See Men’s Day 2 results below.

T. Kamke	64	6	79	6
S. Johnson	77	4	67	2
N. Djokovic	6	6	6
R. Berankis	1	2	2
J. Vesely	2	2	78	5
D. Kudla	6	6	66	7
T. Berdych	6	6	6
P. Lorenzi	1	4	1
J. Monaco	4	2	0
F. Mayer	6	6	3
B. Becker	6	3	6	6
L. Rosol	3	6	3	4
D. Young	6	6	6
M. Klizan	1	0	1
N. Almagro	3	1	6	3
D. Istomin	6	6	4	6
T. Haas	6	6	6
P. Mathieu	4	4	1
J. Sock	77	3	5
P. Petzschner	62	6	2
Y. Lu	6	77	6
D. Gimeno-Traver	4	65	3
R. Federer	6	6	7
G. Zemlja	3	2	5
S. Giraldo	3	6	78	4	2
C. Berlocq	6	3	66	6	6
S. Querrey	77	4	6	6
G. Pella	63	6	1	2
R. Dutra Silva	4	3	711	6	712
V. Pospisil	6	6	69	2	610
J. Isner	6	6	6
F. Volandri	0	2	3

On the ladies side, things were also relatively quiet. Of course Petra Kvitova was dropping a set to some no name but she found herself and won in 3 sets. Petra has played 60 matches for the year and literally half of them have been 3 setters. It seems as it is all very true that she and Radek Stepanek are now an item. Petra I am telling you gurl, do not be a stupid itch….Leave that penis alone. It is addling your brains and clearly affecting your game. Soon he will have you barefoot and pregnant.

Oh Petra! Petra! Petra! Gurl get your life together

Vickie just killed her match as she double bagelled her opponent as did Sara Errani. Rumour has it that Errani and her doubles partner Roberta Vinci have a falling out. Leave it to women to always spoil a good partnership over some stupid bullshit. Anyway, there were some interesting match ups on Day 2 including Christina McHale v Julia Georges. The American won in straight sets 6-4 6-3. I think it is time we call off the search party who is looking for Julia to find her way on tour. We can officially call this one a non-factor at this point. Georges simply does not have what it takes to make a big name for herself. She is coming off as mediocre to the nth degree; scarcely worth mentioning these days.

Vickie I do not know who told you this lil number was a good idea but I’m gonna have to correct that let you know, this skirt is an EPIC FAIL. Go back to the pom pom shorts

Anywho, another interesting match was Bojana Jovanovski v Andrea Petkovic. They both share similar ethnic background who different nationalities. Petkovic is trying to find her game again but she will have to look for it elsewhere because it is not going to be found here at this year’s US Open. Bojana was all over her 6-2 6-4 in this match and Andrea just made far too many unforced errors.

Roberta, we spoke about making these faces outside in public. This is not okay! Look what you did to Daniela

OMG, I’m a gonna throw up

Some other winners of the day included Roberta Vinci, her countrywoman Flavia Pennetta, Daniela Hantucova, Ana Ivanovic who looked surprising not terrible in her 1st round match and also Moaning Mona Barthel. There were several upsets including that of the 20th, 17th and the 11th seed; Nadia Petrova, Dominika Cibulkova and Sam Stosur respectively. Nadia we are not really surprised that she lost and in straight sets too, which perhaps might be the only unexpected bit. However, she has been well off the plot for a long long time. Cibulkova, she can be either very hot or very cold. She knows no mid range and obviously she was very cold at this late summer slam. Sam Stosur on the other hand. Well, I do not even know what to say about her. She has great success here at the Open. She beat the Serenanator in 2011 and convincingly too but these days she is off in the outbacks of her mind. However, this summer, I thought she was getting her life together. She beat Vickie in California and for sure, I said, watch out for Sam at the Open. But you know how Sam is. She does everything to defy all expectations of her.

Victoria Duval in action against Sam Stosur

She played the young and upcoming American Victoria Duval who got her @$$ handed to her by Kim Clijsters in her last win at the Open in 2012. However, this year, Duval made sure she was not going to serve as a prop for Sam’s performance. She found Sam on every single point throughout the match and it paid dividends for her. She showed her “immaturity” at many stages of the match but in the end, she showed a level of steely nerves that I hope will carry her through to bigger and better things. She won 5-7 6-4 6-4. The last couple of games in the match were particularly tough but she held on. I can only hope that the US media does not kill this girl with hype.

This will undoubtedly be one of the memorable moments of this year’s championships. Victoria Duval. Now can we all agree to protect her from the crazy US media hype?

Anyway here are most of the ladies results.

2		V. Azarenka	6	6
		D. Pfizenmaier	0	0
21		S. Halep	4	6	6
		H. Watson	6	4	2
27		S. Kuznetsova	6	7
		M. Burdette	3	5
		S. Peng	6	6
		Y. Meusburger	3	4
		T. Pironkova	3	3
		A. Riske	6	6
		A. Wozniak	7	77
		V. Dolonc	5	65
		D. Vekic	77	4	6
		M. Duque-Marino	65	6	2
28		M. Barthel	6	6
		J. Larsson	1	4
11		S. Stosur	7	4	4
		V. Duval	5	6	6
4		S. Errani	6	6
		O. Rogowska	0	0
20		N. Petrova	3	4
		J. Glushko	6	6
		M. Sanchez	5	2
		D. Hantuchova	7	6
		C. Scheepers	2	6	6
		C. Simmonds	6	2	1
17		D. Cibulkova	4	3
		E. Svitolina	6	6
		M. Lucic-Baroni	4	4
		S. Vickery	6	6
26		A. Cornet	6	6
		M. Koehler	3	2

 

This is how you look when you on court and stuffing your face with a double bagel. (Vickie’s 1st round opponent)

See this is how Ivanovic The Terrible and I are always at odds with each other. She should be concentrating on her on court game instead of holding court with these men who have absolutely no interest in tennis and are just thinking about how they can pitch a “group play” session with all 4 of them to her

Can we just for a moment talk about this piece? WTF? is that a panty outline/silhouette on this thing? I mean seriously?

Rory has to shield his eyes from this filth

Maybe this is sleep deprivation at work here but I swear, Monfils is looking more put together….less Beetlejuicish here

Oh yes… Daniel Evans is shirtless… yessssssss

You know he’s thinking about me right here

See we have a problem here. This bushy tail rat got tickets to the US Open and I don’t. WTF??

2013 Wimbledon Day 1

Please forgive me

Welcome my fanz. Let me apologize for not finishing up the French Open coverage by posting pieces on the semis and finals of the tournament. I mean what can I say, I was definitely over the French Open at that stage. The semis were all kinda lacklustre especially since Djoker came up limp against Divadal. He can be such a loser. Serenanator just simply dismantled Errani and surprisingly so did David Ferrer against Tsonga. Shriekapova had a tough time against Vickie but as per the norm, she can handle Vickie on the clay. Anyway, no surprise in the end, Divadal and the Serenanator won the singles titles and quite comfortably too; both in straight sets.

Divadal won his 8th French Open title

The Serenantor captured her 2nd French title and 16th major

There might be a lot to say about the French Open in the end but really and truly, I rather not because it will only be the same ole rhetoric especially on the men’s side. Very proud of David Ferrer for getting to a major finals. Particularly impressed that it was the French Open where he made his maiden final. And besides, I am so over the French.

Getting the grass ready

Anyway so Wimbledon 2013 is here and I guess this one will be marked my far more circumstances off the court than on the court. The lineup all remained the same with the usual suspects all in tow. Divadal is seeded 5th. Now everyone and their grandmother has been weighing in on this matter and many felt that the committee should have given Divadal a boost but really does it matter? This is Rafael “Freaking” Nadal we are talking about. He could destroy the field whether he is ranked 100 or 1. And with his 5th place seeding, he will not face any of the top guys till the quarters, in this draw it would be Mr. Federer. So I hardly see what the deal is with this. Furthermore, Divadal skipped like 7 months from the tour and lost last year in the 2nd round. WTF does he expect them to do, tell him to pick his place? Divadal should get to the quarters at the very least and it is not like he is afraid of Mr. Federer. The people talking about this are simply looking for something to talk about.

Enough about this silly talk about Divadal being seeded 5th

Anyway, on the women’s side, it is Serenanator and Shriekapova’s drama that is heating up the courts. Now much of it is hardly worth mentioning because it is clearly rumour mongers trying to stir up some trouble. The women’s game hardly needs fiction to stir things up but it seems that since the Serenanator has kept her nose clean since 2009/2011 US Open, people are still on her case looking for trouble by trying to tickle the dragon.

Wait we aren’t here to talk about my weave?? You’re joking right??

So the rumour is that the Serenanator was allegedly talking to Venus via telephone. In the other room (if I have the story correctly) was a reporter from the Rolling Stones  that was conducting an interview with the Serenanator. The reporter overheard a partial one-sided conversation and reported that the following was said by the Serenanator: “top-five player who is now in love … begins every interview with ‘I’m so happy. I’m so lucky’ — it’s so boring. She’s still not going to be invited to the cool parties. And, hey, if she wants to be with the guy with a black heart, go for it.” The reporter then noted that  an “educated guess” would surmised that ReRe is talking about Maria and Grigor. Supposedly, ReRe was going out with Grigor at one point albeit no one has noted when and where exactly this point was. I personally find this impossible to believe but stranger things have happened.

She can take this and run with it

Shriekapova in her press conference retorted with this bit when asked about the matter: “At the end of the day, we have a tremendous amount of respect for what we do on the court. I just think she should be talking about her accomplishments, her achievements, rather than everything else that’s just getting attention and controversy. If she wants to talk about something personal, maybe she should talk about her relationship and her boyfriend that was married and is getting a divorce and has kids. Talk about other things, but not draw attention to other things. She has so much in her life, many positives, and I think that’s what it should be about.”

Now again, there was no mention of Maria’s name in the conversation nor did the reporter ask Serena to clarify who she was talking about. Mainly because she was not talking to him. Nonetheless, he choose to report what is tantamount to be gossip. Anyway, the Serenanator apologized to Maria personally stating that assumptions were made on the matter and that she is sorry that Maria got brought into the situation inadvertently. Now before I go any further, I have to clear up that I am not Maria’s biggest fan but I do respect her tenacity on court. I am particularly keen on how she takes a beating from the Serenanator and come out every single match up as though she could really hurt the American. However, I just want to zero in on some key points of Maria’s speech. AGAIN let me be clear, there is NO evidence that Serena was talking about Maria. ZERO. Nonetheless, Maria chose to air Serena’s business out to the public as though she was spreading the gospel. But I am not even dealing with that one at this point.

Maria you cannot win this fight!

Maria said, ” At the end of the day, we have a tremendous amount of respect for what we do on the court. Gurl ain’t no one really respect your game on court okay. Let’s be clear on that.  I just think she should be talking about her accomplishments, her achievements, rather than everything else that’s just getting attention and controversy. Now if the Serenanator gets in the press conference and talk about how she be beating your @$$ all year long and not to mention over the past 9 years, you’d get real bad. She should talk about how you got destroyed in Miami; up a set and a break, 3-2 in the 2nd set, you lost 10 straight games. You wanna talk about that?? If she wants to talk about something personal, maybe she should talk about her relationship and her boyfriend that was married and is getting a divorce and has kids. Talk about other things, but not draw attention to other things. How about we talk about the fact that Grigor is more than likely an undercover brother and that he’s straight like spaghetti…when cooked. She has so much in her life, many positives, and I think that’s what it should be about.” She is very positive that she will be beating your @$$ next time she meets you on court. Apparently she was too generous with you at the French. Therefore next time it is business as usual. Buttered bagels and breadsticks. You have short term memory. You forgot 2012 Olympic final: 6-0 6-1. Gurl, get your life!

Vickie almost broke her knee

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. So let’s just get to the real meat of the matter. The Tennis:
Maria (3) won her match against a young up and coming Frenchwoman Mladenovic in straight sets 7-6 6-3. Mladenovic has a lot more to learn on tour though but she has a really good serve. 2nd seed Vickie won her match comfortably but in pain. She nearly “broke her knee” and her future in this tournament might be in jeopardy. She came back after the injury and in tears to take the match 6-1 6-2. It was so funny to watch my Twitter feed as people were losing their minds over how crazy Vickie’s opponent was. She was hitting the ball back to Vickie instead of trying to make her run from side to side. I know Bratzwanska must have been screaming with rage at the sight of Vickie calling out the trainer and then playing “fit as a fiddle” afterwards. Vickie and Bratzwanska use to be best friends but a similar incident happened in early 2012 that sent Aga B to be screaming in the press conference and thus ended a friendship. It certainly did not end her losing streak against Vickie though and I for one am happy for that.

Help! Help! I can’t get up

Anyway, other winners of the day on the ladies side include 12th seed Ana Ivanovic aka Ivanovic the Terrible who won over Razzano 7-6 6-0. Now I have to add her that I saw Ana’s “new look” and she is way too skinny. Ever since winning the 2008 French Open, she has been yo-yoing on her weight like Oprah back in the days. She is floating between anorexic and healthy if you ask me. Right now, she is definitely leaning towards the, “I need a cookie smothered with cream STAT!” Anywho, Kvitova aka GHW (8) struggled past American Coco Vandeweghe. Meanwhile, 5th seed Sara Errani got bounced in the 1st round by Puerto Rican, Monica Puig. Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit won her match in straight sets but I for one am not holding out hope that she is in good form and will make a decent run here at Wimbledon. Bartoli (15) and her countrywoman Cornet (29) also went through to the 2nd round as did Fivehead JungleWitch Jankovic (16) Lady Gollum Safarova (27), Sorana Cirstea (22), Flipkens (20), and Sloane Stephens (17) who won over fellow American Jaime Hampton. I think Hampton was exhausted after making it to her 1st WTA final last week in Eastbourne. She lost to Vesnina. Other winners of interest are Andrea Petkovic who received a wild card into the tournament, Bojana Jovanovski, American Christina McHale and Flavia Pennetta.

Dulko and hubby at their wedding

Oh yeah, if I am not mistaken, Pennetta’s former doubles partner, Gisela Dulko of Argentina recently gave birth to a baby recently. Apparently she retired from the tour and got married to an Argentine footballer. Good for her. And while we are on the subject of pregnancy. Look who is also expecting….

I know! I don’t even know where to file this bit of information

Anyway onto the men. There is little to be said that the news of the day was Divadal’s early round exit from the tournament. Divadal a 2 time champion and 5 time finalist got stick by Belgian Steven Darcis (You don’t pronounce the s thus Darsee) 7-6 7-6 6-4. Darcis played really remarkable and he held his own throughout. He was not about to let Divadal get away with murder. He had a one handed backhand which Divadal was treating with this same disdain and contempt that he holds for the Mr. Federer’s unemployed backhand. However, Darcis’ backhand was paying dividend as it was getting traction especially the slice backhand. Divadal could not deal and resorted to defending which was not helping much as he was always on the back foot and unable to create winning opportunities for himself. All in all, this lost should not come as any real surprise. Divadal had to have a let down at some point. He went off tour for 7 months but came back with a vengeance. He made the finals of all 8/9 tournaments he entered and only failing to win twice plus he retained his French Open crown for a record 8th win at a single major. WTF should his fanz be complaining about?

His head gone bad. Didn’t know what to do

Darcis stuck to the game plan: Get 2nd round prize money

Adios amigo

The ball children were so excited that Divadal is out. They no longer have to be behind him as he pick his drawers.

Anyway, Divadal was hardly the only men’s seed to fall out, 11th seed Stan Wawrinka lost to Hewitt in straight sets, 14th seed Janko Douchsaravic lost to fellow countryman Troicki, 30th seed Fognini lost to Jurgen Melzer. Divadal’s vanquisher from last year’s Wimbledon, Lukas Rosol lost in the 1st round too. Besides this, most of the usual suspect made it through to the 2nd round.(3) Mr. Federer 6-3 6-2 6-0 over Victor Hanescu, (2)Lochness Monster also in straight sets over Becker,  (10) Cilic is through as are (6) Tsonga, (24) Jerzy Janowicz, (18) BFG Isner, (25) Benoit Paire, (22) Juan Monaco and 32nd seed Tommy Robredo. Other notable winners were Ernest Gulbis and Dustin Brown of Germany/Jamaica.

Mr. Federer in supreme form

I would really like to know the hair products that Verdasco Tabasco puts into his hair

Meanwhile, I wish someone put some products in this one’s hair

As for Dustin Brown’s hair….no comment at this time

He definitely needs some products…more than likely Rogaine

I think Vickie is channeling Grace Jones today

My 5th head says there will be no rain today

Ana you are as thin as a sheet of paper

I don’t even want to see the rest of this picture because I know I would be scarred for life

Dude, Listerine! like seriously, don’t be breathing into my face…

Divadal, why is your hand by my ass??

Hopefully you made it all the way down here because I have a lil segment I wanted to interject into this First posting of Wimbledon 2013. So after all this Serena/Maria/Grigor bit, I decided to do a lil research and scour those places and speak to my sources to get you my Realz fanz the realz deal. So here’s the dealio.

Last year Shriekapova was dating some basketball player who left the NBA for Europe during lockout. They were engaged!

Then according to rumour, Shriekapova got dumped or dumped Sascha after he done did knocked up some girl

Anywho, at the Olympics it might be, Serenanator and Grigor struck up a friendship

And perhaps things got a lil carried away. I can hardly blame her. She had a lot of time on her hand seeing as she was dismantling the field but something went awry…

I think the Serenanator figured something was not on the straight and narrow so she let this one go

She allegedly went on to greener pastures

Oooo kay….

And Grigor and Maria found each other

Love they say… but ladies, never ever let your man and you leave the house and he looks better than you…. NEVER

Can you spot the invisible handbag like I can??

Need I say more about the matter of the man being better dressed than the lady

But then I stumbled upon these pictures…. Hmmm

Hmmmm

All right… I am not saying a word about this …. Gurl you need to slow your roll… I don’t get down like that

Don’t forget, it is only rumour if you spread it okay!!!

Live at the US Open 2011 Day 6

Now as much I love tennis, I sorta avoid going to the US Open. The reason being that in the past when I have gone, I was more or less surrounded by idiots. I mean it is amazing how much people go to these events and no next to nothing about the sport. I am not going to knock ignorance because I mean, you are going to the event to learn something. However, my problem is that these idiots are constantly airing their stupidity and they never shut up. Often times, they are arguing points despite facts to the contrary. Anyway, I got a “hookup” and got the chance to purchase a ticket to see Saturday matches ie see Mr. Federer and the Serenanator live. I was not going to pass that up for nothing. I do thank my friend for thinking of me at that critical time when the ticket offer came up. I do appreciate it.

Flushing Meadows here I come

So anyway, I set out on Saturday for Flushing Meadows and everything seem to be working for me. I got in and out of the barber, the bus driver was very nice and stopped for me after seeing me running to get to the bus stop. She did not have to at all as stopped before the bus stop. The trains were there when I got to the stations and by 12:45, I was all ready for Mr. Federer vs. Marin Cilic.

When I left home, Danish Biscuit was dealing with Saw Clown aka Vania King, Tipsarevic had won the first set from Berdych and Francesco Schiabone was down a set. Navarro aka Lady Hobbit was bad beating her countrywoman. By the time I got to Queens, Danish Biscuit crushed King, Berdych retired from the match, Scheepers tried to serve for the match against Schiabone only to be broken and lost the tie-breaker to head to a 3rd set and Navarro was through to the Round of 16. Anyway, I asked the ticket attendant where to go and she said two levels up. Now I imagined that I had most wonderful seats and will be almost court side. However, when I found my spot, I was struggling for oxygen as you very well know that higher altitude causes oxygen deprivation. I was at the very top of the stadium. I could see Manhattan from my seat. Not only was I looking hot but I was feeling hot too with the sun blazing down on me.

My seat

My view from my seat

Anyway, I was still able to see the court and soon enough Mr. Federer came out in his fire engine red along with Marin Cilic. Mr. Federer was not stellar but he was playing well enough because Cilic was clearly overwhelmed by the occasion and despite playing exceptionally well in his first two rounds, he came up short in the end. Mr. Federer’s backhand was the obvious liability on court as it landing consistently in the service box and bouncing up high. I know it will be snack time when he faces more tougher opponents like a Tsonga, D’Joker, Divadal or a Lochness, if he gets that round. Mr. Federer is not guaranteed in the finals of majors anymore with his piss poor play as of late. Anyway, I felt the stadium after the first 3 sets, Mr. Federer being up 2-1 and had a break in the 4th already. I wanted to see other players.

Mr. Federer vs Cilic

By this time, Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova took out Fivehead Jankovic in straight sets and Mardy Fish and Kevin Anderson were on their way in their match. Schiabone had also made another comeback and took the match. So I wandered around the grounds and by this time, Mr. Federer finished off Cilic 6-3 4-6 6-4 6-2.

On my way to see others whilst keeping check of the score on Ashe

I saw Jurgen Meltzer (aka Jurgen Meltdown) of Austria and his doubles partner Philipp Petzschner of Germany

Yearning for Jurgen

Guten Tag!!!

Saw Peng Shuai practicing...she's up against Flavia Pennetta

I even spied Sam D'Stove Stosur out on the practice courts

Caught a lil of the Hantuchova and Radwanska's doubles match...They won after a poor first set

Then I saw this... Fabio Fognini... I really need to work on my Italian

He was practicing with his doubles partner Simone Bolelli but he didn't have his shirt off so...

I went back to watching him... the pictures do not do him justice at all

I saw Alexandr Dolgopolov....the boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy. I am really impressed with his cool calm demeanor on court. And in person he's not bad looking at all if you ignore the acne. He's always fixing his hair though

He was playing Ivo Karlovic

Ivo, why are your socks dirty?? The clay season is long over and those sucks are dirty.

Aravane Rezai has a phat ass not going to lie

Heineken may have been light but his breath was heavy. Can someone tell me why I was smelling this man's breath even though he never spoke to me and I was behind him all the time. A wind was howling with his halitosis. People do not go to public events if you know you are carrying toxic waste in your mouth.

The Serenanator

While I was wondering about, I checked the score and realized that I had to hurry because the Serenanator was destroying Victoria Azarenka on court. she was already up 4-0. I raced back to my seat….I mean I climb the slopes to get to my seat by which time, the Serenanator was up 5-0. Victoria won a game and Serena closed out the set 6-1. The beginning of the second set was no different from the first and the Serenanator looked poised to put the Serena Sleeper hold on Victoria. The Serenanator failed to convert a chance to go up 2 breaks but had triple match points on Azarenka’s serve but failed to convert any of them.

Victoria Azarenka out wandering wondering where her game has gone

Triple match points

Azarenka sensing a loose moment from the American, seized that moment to break the Serenanator when she served for the match. Things were getting interesting for a few minutes prior Serena was up 5-3 love-40 and now it was 6-5 Azarenka. My throat was dry and I could not deal with the drama. I was definitely vocally rooting for the Serenanator and if she were to loose, it was a long way to the exit. I could not do the “Walk of Shame.” May I could just jump down. That canopy below look like it could take my weight. Right?

WTF Serena?? WTMFF??

Anyway, fortunately, the Serenanator got herself together and took the set to a tiebreaker, which was again tense to say the least for me. 7-5, Serenanator and with that, the match 6-1 7-6; the No 4 seed was out. It is really a crying shame because Victoria Azarenka is a really good player and when she is on form, she is always meeting up the Serenanator a la 2009, 2010 Australian Open and now 2011 US Open. She is one of my hopefuls to win a major because she is really good. I hope she takes this losses and build from it. Anyway, I have to say that the Serenanator is playing really really tough. She is very tactical and is not allowing herself to get behind any opponent. She is psyching out her opponents and right about now, they are all scared.

The Serenanator is splitting the competition

Goodness gracious....that was a close one

The Serenanator giving her winner's on court interview. Mary-Jo Fernandez, those slingbacks is high inappropriate at this international event. They look like your house slippers and I am not even going to comment on your nurse's scrub skirt because I think you already know you get zero style points for that.

You know I was extremely happy with the win so I raced down as close I could to the court (Thank God for the gym!)and took more pictures. I even saw Mary-Jo Fernandez doing the on-court interview.

On my way out of the stadium I saw Richard Williams…

Yeah, my daughter is kicking @$$

Anyway, I went over to Louis Armstrong Stadium to see two men battle it out for a place in the Ladies 4th Round. Kuzi-Rex and Akgul A-man-mu-ra-do-va who looks every bit as a boy as she does on TV. She looks like she can also snuff you out like a candle in the wind. Lynn Welch was the chair umpire for the match (For super die hard fanz like moiself who knows the chair umpires by name.)

Kuzi Rex. Not even going to talk about what she's wearing

Perhaps a bit pre-historic?

Akgul Amanmuradova

By the time, Dolgopolova aka the Boy who looks like a Girl who looks like a boy had taken out Ivo Karlovic and Juan Carlos Ferrero also won when his compatriot and opponent retired from the match. Mardy Fish had also taken care of Kevin Anderson who was putting up a late charge. Anyway, I checked the schedule on my smart phone which was so much more economical than buying a programme for ($20…get the hell outta here USTA. Do you know what I can get for $20 in the real world?) Anywho, I decided to go see some real menz action on Grandstand because it was going to be a Harem of Hotties as Argentina’s Juan Monaco was currently playing Germany’s Tommy Haas and after that “piece de resistance” Tabasco Verdasco vs Baby Ali (All that was going through my mind was “Heaven, must be missin angels”

Juan Monaco of Argentina

Here's a better look. Dios Mio

Tommy Haas

I mean you know I am always a fan of Tommy Haas as I affectionately call him “Head and Shoulders” but in real person, he definitely has a shot to get it. Monaco well, we have to something about that hair but that’s just me nitpicking…he is muy caliente. When I got to the match, he was putting the finishing touches on Head and Shoulders. It is a shame that unfortunate incidents have followed Haas in his career. He was a brilliant player but he got into a motorcycle accident which took him out for like a year I think and also slipped on a loose ball at Wimbledon which caused his ankle to blow up like a balloon. Added to other injuries, he never really made it to his true potential. Anyway, he was out and up comes Verdasco and Tsonga. My eyes were in sugar shock.

Tabasco Verdasco v Baby Ali

Anyway, I have to tell you about an incident that was unfolding as I was watching the match. Now if you haven’t seen to the Billie Jean Tennis Center looking at the graphic below, you can see that the Louis Armstrong stadium is connected to the Grandstand.

Map

Now Kuzi-Rex and Akgul were playing on Armstrong so Baby Ali and Tabasco Verdasco were playing on Grandstand where they were SCHEDULED to play. There were no changes in the schedule. Now, because the men’s matches were a hot ticket, the Grandstand was full but you can look over in the Grandstand from a balcony on Armstrong or if you go to the very top of Armstrong you can look over into the stadium and see the match. I was forced to watch the match from the balcony. It was not a bad view at all. Anyway, after the Kuzi-Rex match, Kuzi Rex won in straight sets and was through to the Round of 16 to face Danish Biscuit, world’s no. 1 Caroline Wozniacki, the officials closed the court (Armstrong) and asked the people to leave including the people who were only inside the stadium to watch the Tsonga v Verdasco match. I have to say that this was really the hot ticket at the time. I mean they were two hot players and also the quality of play was expected to be good. They are both top ranked players.

She' the one in the blue muumuu and her "friend" is next to her in the pink shirt. I was up there watching the match at one point

Anyway, this one young lady took serious exception to security’s mandate that they leave the stadium. She took great offense to this matter and told the security guard, “It;s obvious that the USTA (US Tennis Association) made a MISTAKE by putting the Tsonga match on the smaller court. Therefore allow us to be in the empty stadium.” Now, this girl is either a law/medical student and she went on to “reason” with the man saying that he can simply have one security guard watch them. Mind you it was not just her but an entire crowd of people wanting to line the back wall. This security officer, obviously a religious man because I would have told her what was the MISTAKE beginning with her tragic outfit which was meant either for bedtime or pregnancy and her obvious gay balding (think Chia pet) boyfriend who God forbid was wearing inappropriate shoes with no socks (I just knew he had no socks on….he looked the type) and wearing a size medium pink shirt when he is clearly an XL on a very good day, bursting out of the bloody thing like fat Hulk. But we aren’t here for that and she was not talking to me. Really the audacity of this woman. Of course she asked for the supervisor as if he was going to allow her and her “girlfriend/boyfriend” alone in an empty stadium to stand and look over at a match, something she and shim were at that very moment doing on the balcony. They even offered to find her a good spot but she refused. I mean what if the people were to have acquiesced  and she and he went over and got hurt or worse the victim of a crime (Not like he was going to protect her. I mean I think she looked more the man than he did) Then she would have been all up in arms and blaming the USTA for the entire affair. Did I mention that they had tickets to Arthur Ashe stadium and should have been there instead of screaming like some banshee? You would have thought someone had cut her off in the TJ Maxx line where she got her lil number. She was just quarter past ridiculous at this time. I on the other hand, just walked downstairs and got a perfectly good seat very close to the action and got some really nice shots.

I went and got me way better seats

Way better view!

Not that from above was bad.

A view from the balcony

Anyway after the match… Tsonga totally dominated Verdasco as he was not serving up to par and his weight of shots were totally off. He seems to not be the player he was in 2008/2009. I do not know if he’s getting lazy or perhaps his mind is elsewhere but he has really lost the edge he had before. Tsonga on the other hand was looking really good. I mean he’s the real dark horse pick of this tournament. He has a winning record against D’Juggernaut 5-4, beaten Mr. Federer the last two times they have played including at Wimbledon 2011 where Mr. Federer was up 2 sets to love. Divadal is not so well these days and I know Tsonga will not be intimidated by the Spaniard. However, Tsonga will have to beat the top three players and that’s a very very very very tall order. Anyway, I was saying is that Sloane Stephens lost to Ivanovic the Terrible in straight sets and her countryman D’Juggernaut knocked out Davydenko. Ivanovic next faces the Serenanator and D’Joker will play Dolgopolov. Andrea Petkovic also won her match and will play lady Hobbit in the next round.

This made me smile... you know how much I "love" me some Jennifer Capriati

So all in all that was my day at the US Open. It was really a wonderful experience even though I was by myself. Hope you enjoyed.

Day 4 at the US Open 2011

It seems that I can’t help being late with these posting for the blog at every major competition. Every major championship, I run my body to the ground with work, gym and staying up late to either watch matches or work on commentary for the blog.

I need sleep so badly!!

Notwithstanding that currently the IAAF (International Association of Athletics Federations) World Championships in Degu, South Korea is taking place right now so I am staying up to watch those championships as well. I have to admit that I love track and field. I must to confess that I am currently suffering from diabetes of the eye because of high consumption of eye candy on screen. I swear I am badly in need of ocular insulin as I am close to going into a coma.

I can feel the cavities forming on on my eyes as we speak

Anyway, I am digressing and we need to catch up with Day 4 action on the court. Action on the Arthur Ashe court was merely a tennis clinic on both the ladies and men’s draws as the top players schooled their lesser opponents on the art of a good ole fashion beat down. In the case of the ladies, 3 matches were played meaning 6 players and 6 sets of tennis. There were 3 winners who won a combined 36 games where as their 3 adversaries won altogether 5 games. YES, 5 the number between 4 and 6. Francesco Schiabone got things on the way with a romping of Marijana Lucic of Croatia 6-1 6-1. Next up the Serenanator demolished Dutch Michaella Krajicek 6-0 6-1. If the name Krajicek sounds familiar to you tennis fanz, well she is the half sister of 1996 Wimbledon Champ Richard Krajicek. Danish Biscuit not to be felt out of the fight fest took out another Dutch opponent Arantxa Rux 6-2 6-0. These women are all in form and definitely looking to claim the title come next week Saturday night.

You think you ready for me? Come and smell what the Serenanator is cooking?

Other winners include Jelena Five head Jankovic who beat another Jelena in the form of Jelena Dokic in straight sets. Dokic has yet to recapture that massive potential she had in 98 when she made it to the Wimbledon semis after beating defending champion Martina Hingis 1^st round. Or perhaps it is time that we actually say she was never really that good to begin with and simply enjoyed a wonderful tournament. Albeit that it must be said that she has had a lot of off court distraction, which definitely affected her play. If the old adage is true that one had to strike when the iron is hot, then Ms. Dokic, your iron has long run cold. As we are dealing with Serbs, it should be mentioned that Ana Ivanovic aka Ivanovic the Terrible has made it through to the 3^rd round when her opponent defaulted from the tournament and handed the Serb a ticket to the 3^rd round, something she has been finding it incredibly hard to do since winning the French Open in 2008.

Petkovic pounding her chest giving the warrior cry

Andrea Petkovic, though German, has a Serbian father, also found herself in the 3^rd round but faced a tough match from China’s Jie Zheng. Zheng was blazing the court for a set and a half. Despite her diminutive size, she was blasting winners from every angle and forcing the errors from the German. However, Petkovic got her act together and soon battled her way back into the match taking it in 3 sets. She can be a very dangerous floater and she will join Kuzi-Rex and Carlo Suarez-Narravo aka Lady Hobbit from Spin in the 3^rd round.

Vania KIng aka Saw Clown. (WTF up with your eyes? THey are kinda freaking me out!)

Two Americans made it big yesterday as well, Vania King and Slaone Stephens defeated higher seeded opponents in straight sets and gave the US something to scream about. Stephens showed true grit as she took out Shahar Peer (23) of Israel. I have to say that Peer was not playing up to her true potential and allowed herself to succumb to the moment as the crowd was all cheering for the American Stephens. I have actually seen Stephens play in real person several years ago at the Madison Square Garden. She has some ways to go before she can contend for titles but she is definitely heading in the right direction. Vania King totally annihilated Jarmila Gajdasova (Guydasova) the 29^th seed if I am not mistaken.

Sloane Stephens of the USA

With the Serenantor, King and Stephens win, they join Christina McHale and Irina Falconi in the 3^rd round giving the US 5 females in the round of 32. This is really good news for the USTA as they have been dying for some really talent prospect waiting in the wings for the post Williams’ sisters era. Nevertheless, in regards to this young crop of talent, I doubt it very much if any of them are going past the 3^rd round and the Serenanator will be facing the 4^th seed Victoria Azarenka who dispatched of Argentine Gisela Dulko in order to get to the 3rd round; a match worthy of the finals. Shame it had to be so early and you know what? I will be watching that match live on Saturday in Arthur Ashe Stadium….YIPEE…

See you on Saturday. You're my special guest RTF and you'll get exclusive coverage and interviews

On the men’s side, Mr. Federer schooled his Israeli’s opponent, Dudi Sela who needed a parting-of-the-Red-Sea-with-a-staff-epic-size miracle in order to upset the Swiss. Mr. Federer took him out dropping just 7 games if I am not mistaken. However, who was even more impressive was D’Juggernaut who took Berlocg 6-0 6-0 6-2. It was a lesson in sports cruelty. I mean the guy on was Arthur Ashe stadium prime time and Harlequeen was just embarrassing him as if he has slapped his girlfriend or something. While we are on the subject of D’Joker, I should mention it that D’Joker has just been named UNICEF or UN Ambassador for Serbian children. Considering Serbia’s recent past, it is a great thing that Novak is stepping up to help his country’s youth move forward to a peaceful future. I mean I give him a lot of hateration but he does step up at times and he is fiercely loyal to his Serbs.

Berlocq was beaten like a stepchild

Anyway in other men’s matches, Mardy Fish is showing fine form as he won his 2^nd round match and so is Tomas Berdych who just demolished Fabio Fognini 7-5 6-0 6-0. Baby Ali also looked great when he took on Sergei Bubka who is the son of the famous Sergei Bubka, 1988 Olympic pole vault champion and current world record holder. However, Bubka Jr, would have needed a pole vault in order to get over the Frenchman and simply went to the locker room to collect his 2^nd round cheque as he was out of the tournament.

Baby Ali is all smiles and dancing so far at the US Open

Nikolay Davydenko, Tabasco Verdasco, Tommy Haas aka Head and Shoulders, Juan Monaco also won as did Serb Janko Tipsarevic. Marin Cilic destroyed Bernard Tomic 6-1 6-0 6-2. That Cilic forehand is monster and does a lot of damage to his opponent. Ivo Karlovic disrupted Richard Gasquet’s bid to get to the 3^rd round as he took him out in 4 sets. Beetlejuice also saw himself booking a flight on that same Air France as Gasquet as he went out in 5 sets to 2003 finalist Juan Carlos Ferrero. Now I of course am not surprised by this result. Ferrero is a good player but Beetlejuice as always wastes a lot of time exerting unnecessary energy on court. I mean, this ghostly terror is at 100% full throttle from the jump and always contorting his body in the most awkward of positions in order to hit shots. I do not like to say this but the bloody guy acts like a complete jackass on court.

I think at times Monfils forget what it is he does for a living, which is to play tennis. WTF is this shot all about? And I bet you he lost it.

He thinks people are laughing with him but they are usually laughing at him. Monfils really executes a good match. He does not construct points well, thinking that his physical abilities will carry him through the day. He has played 24 major events and only made it past the 3^rd round 8 of those times. He is too good of a player to be regulated to the bottom heap. I hope one day he realizes his true potential because right about now, I find him to be obnoxious to the nth degree notwithstanding his beauty deficiencies.

BIG PICTURE SHOW
HOTTIES

Shahar Peer looking smoldering hot in red. Too bad her game parted from her like the Red Sea

A lil scruffy is Ferrero but he can still definitely get it

Oh Donald oh Donald oh Donald

I don't really think she's cute but I guess some people do....Mrs. Harlequeen, Jelena Ristic. What's with those shoulder pads? We are not in the 80's

NNOTTIES

I don't even know what to tell Francesco anymore because this is just half past ridiculous o' clock. Really?? I thought we spoke about how pink does you no favors. She looks like a rookie drag queen

One of the least ugliest pictures I have seen of him

Kuzi-Rex is not a cutie but I have to give her credit for getting that hair done. It looks really nice today and the outfit isn't so bad at all

Really?? Really?? Just a tad bit too much if you ask me

MIXED BAG

I have to turn away or else I might turn to stone

Are you seriously the editor of a fashion magazine with this look??

Willie playing with ballz..

Oh baby it's okay. You can beat me on court today but I will deal with you tonight in boudoir. (Phillip to Janko)

When I pull the lever, you squeeze you nipples okay??

Gurl...that cat is about to burst outta the bag. Can't you hear it caterwauling?