2015 Australian Open: Menz Preview

So here we are at the Australian Open 2015, January 19-February 1! I feel like we always start out each new major posting with the same tired line. However, really and truly I am not sure how else to begin! I mean we all know why we are here and what we are about. So why complicate matters? Wait, I could have started out by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR to my old fanz and the new fanz we hope to get this coming year! I am hoping that 2015 bring RealzTenisFanz into more homes, screens, mobile devices and tennis fans’ consciousness. We are not seeking legitimacy here because RealzTenisFanz is and has always been a “prestigious publication”. RealzTenisFanz is however seeking more recognition, more publicity because let us be real about the matter, RealzTenisFanz does not really have much us an audience! We are going to change that for 2015. We are also going to change the fact that FANZ NEED TO COMMENT BELOW!

COMMENT BELOW

In case you are new to RealzTenisFanz and I hope that many of you are new, we keep it realz and controversial in these parts. We do not hold back and we have no/nil/nilch/zero fcuks and/or cares to give! You will love it here because we allow everyone to have a say (PLEASE COMMENT BELOW) and also even if you are a casual fan of tennis or know nothing at all about the sport, RealzTenisFanz has something for you! So stick around and again Happy New Year to all my peeps and haters too! Trust and believe, Realz got nothing but admiration for my haters who can stay so bitter and keep on giving me shine! Bless your evil hearts!

Anyway, let us not digress too much! We are here for another year of tennis courtesy the many players on both the ATP and WTA! We all have ones we love (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), those we hate (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), some we pretend do not exist (Fake Fire Ferrer, St. Nick Krispy Kringle, Berdshite, Ernests Gulbis, Lordlize Cornemort, Garbine Muguruza, Tsvetana Pironkova) and those we do not even know exist (Michael Berrer, Zarina Diyas, Pablo Cuevas, Santiago Gulbis). Nonetheless, Realz is here to make all this simple and easy. Realz take away all the fluff, pomp and circumstances of “traditional and/or mainstream sports media” and give it to you straight, stiff and strong … Who am I kidding, ain’t nothing straight in these parts unless we mean “Spaghetti Straight”; it is straight until you cook it.

Enough grandstanding, so we are at the Australian Open in Melbourne and we have to do the traditional bit of “Picks of the Tournaments”! However, I often find this all very boring, dull and merely a lot of hot air talk mixed with bullshit analysis. I am not one to favour picking a winner because as you all know, Realz subscribes to the maxim, “The game is won and lost on the field not on paper!” Nonetheless, we can do some talking about the draw and checking out how things are stacked and who might get where or who might get nowhere or even who just not anywhere at all. Of course, we will have the obligatory photos to shade and shadow the players!

So let us begin with the MENZ (Do note that the WOMENZ’s breakdown will be issued in a separate post. The next post after this in fact!)

As have been the case as of late, I break the draw down into halves, then quarters and then further still into eighths. I find this way easier to deal and manage. I also wish I can come up with a cool graphic to display it all but Realz ain’t got money for all that so it will be down the good ole fashioned bootleg way! That is to say, it will be mostly words.

BELOW IS THE BREAKDOWN OF THE TOP 32 SEEDS!

2015 Australian Open Top Menz Seeds
Top Half	Bottom Half
1. Novak Djokovic (Djoker Harlequeen)	2. Roger Federer (Mr. Federer/Mr. Federror)
4. Stan Wawrinka (Stanley)	3. Rafael Nadal (Divadal)
5. Kei Nishikori (Horsikori)	6. Andy Murray (Lochness Monster)
8. Milos Raonic (Dennis the Menace)	7. Tomas Berdych (Berdshite)
9. David Ferrer (Fake Fire Ferrer)	10. Grigor Dimitrov (Maria’s Bulgarian handbag)
12. Feliciano Lopez (FeFe Lopez)	11. Ernests Gulbis (Nothing has stick yet)
13. Roberto Bautista-Agut (Not Worthy)	14. Kevin Anderson (Not Worthy)
16. Fabio Fognini (Pignini)	15. Tommy Robredo (Not Worthy)
17. Gael Monfils (Beetlejuice)	20. David Goffin (Hobbit)
18. Gilles Simon (Chicken Legs/Drumsticks)	22. Philipp Kohlschreiber (Nothing has stick yet)
19. John Isner (Big Friend Giant Mountain Troll)	23. Ivo Karlovic (Nothing has stick yet)
21. Alexandr Dolgopolov (BWLLAGWLLAB)	24. Richard Gasquet (Nothing has stick yet)
25. Julien Benneteau (Julie B)	26. Leonardo Mayer (Mulling over a name for him)
27. Pablo Cuevas (Have no idea who he is)	28. Lukas Rosol (Ended Divadal’s 2012 life)
30. Santiago Giraldo (Who he?)	29. Jeremy Chardy (Not Worthy)
31. Fernando Verdasco (Tabasco Verdasco)	32. Martin Klizan (Not Worthy)

*Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person! 
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

So let us begin:

Djoker (1) v Stanley (4) Top Half

Bae, why does your face feel like it got attacked by a meat tenderizer?

Djoker (1) v Raonic (8) Quarter

You all know I am here to pick up my 5th Aussie Open title

Djoker’s Section Eighth: The 4-time Aussie Open Champion, Djoker, opens his bid for a 5^th title with a qualifier. He has no one of real quality until a possible 3^rd round showing against Tabasco Verdasco (31) a previous semifinalist here if I am not mistaken. However, if we are going to be serious here, Tabasco Verdasco has long since failed to be a hot consistent player on tour unless we are talking body hot and even there he is lacking as of late. Truth be told, he is playing more like mayonnaise than hot sauce these days. I am actually surprised that he is seeded here at all. Therefore, Djoker should have no trouble at all getting to the 4^th Round where he could meet either John Isner (19) aka BFG Mountain Troll or Roberto Bautista-Agut (13) who has a different Spanish style of game. He hits a flat ball compared to his other compatriots. Djoker should get to quarters no problemo to face a real threat of sorts Milos Raonic!

Don’t forget about me! I might be spoiling some people’s plans!

Raonic’s Section Eighth: In the quarters for the Serbian, looms another big server in the form of Raonic (8). The Canadian should also get to the quarters but he has to be very very smart about his tennis. There are several well-experienced players in his eighth of the draw and they can be rather problematic. There are also a lot of tall players in this section. No doubt Raonic should move past the first two rounds. However, waiting for him in the 3^rd round could be Julie B (25) or Lleyton Hewitt who even though is old and broken, does tend to like to stir things up when the big lights are on him. The organizers will definitely schedule this matchup on primetime and on Rod Laver Arena. However, Raonic should be able to handle this pressure by now. A 4^th round possibility for the Canadian is Fefe Lopez (12) or Monfils aka Beetlejuice (17) and if he gets Beetlejuice, he might be in serious trouble. There are several matches in this section which should be rightly entertaining: A possible Juan Martin Del Potro (back from long term wrist injury) verses another giant in Jerzy Janowicz in the 1^st round, then the winner of this faces Beetlejuice and the winner of that match play a possible Lopez (12) in the 3^rd round and then that winner play Raonic. It is like the “Battle of the Giants”

*Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy has just pulled out of the Aussie Open citing precaution of a possible wrist injury! SUCH A SHAME. He will be replaced by Hiroki Moriya from Japan. I have NO IDEA who he is. As we are talking about those who will not be here, we should mention that Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Marin Cilic have both pulled out of the tournament citing injuries. Tsonga would be missed but I think Cilic pulled out because of the pressure of living up to his US Open win at the next major! It would be less pressure at the French Open where he is hardly favoured to win. 

Stanley (4) v Horsikori (5) Quarter

Don’t get it twisted folks, I am defending champion so I got street creds for this here title!

Stanley’s Section Eighth: Stanley (4) should get to the Round of 16 without any hiccups whatsoever. I do not believe he will retain his surprise title from last year. No Shade No T here, Stanley took out Djoker, Berdshite and Divadal en route to the title. That was a real Herculean effort, unlikely to be repeated ever again but he still deserves praise for that accomplishment. However, he has the potential of at least getting to the semis which considering his usual pedigree would be a major achievement in and of itself. He could face in the 4^th round (Round of 16), Fabio Fognini aka Pignini (16) and this I doubt because Pignini with slaughter himself along the way.

The teeth though!

Horsikori’s Section Eighth: Horsikori (5) might have a tougher time getting to the quarterfinals. Gilles Simons (18) aka Chicken Legs or Drumsticks is capable of being a tough opponent if he plays to his true potential and not his shoe size. Kei will however, start off his Melbourne campaign against Nicolas Almagro who is returning to tour from long term injury. It is nice to see him back on tour, in fact, I love to see his back on tour because his behind is muy caliente. Horsikori should get to the Round of 16 where he can potentially face Fake Fire Ferrer (9) who is desperate to get back in top 5 ranking. Ferrer loves nothing better than to occupy that 5^th place spot! He will be coming for Horsikori’s mane.

I mean look at this booty of Almagro! #icant

And this bodé! I mean he is not going to be around long so we have to soak up as much as we can while we can! 

Fake Fire Ferrer doesn’t like being so close to bottom of the top 10! For him, being 5 in the world is Number 1 in his book, so best believe, he is looking to get back up there in 2015

Mr. Federer (2) v Divadal (3) Bottom Half

Mr. Federer giving Divadal the sideeye having had his wig snatched by the Spaniard in Melbourne so many times now

Divadal (3) v Berdshite (7) Quarter

Berdshite is still around … however, the tournament haven’t started yet

Berdshite’s Section Eighth: Berdshite should get to the Round of 16 at the very least. However, knowing how this Czech can go well off the rails, he is capable of losing in the 1^st round as well as getting to the semifinals with some luck. He might face some stiff competition in the 3^rd round if Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) is also playing up to his true potential. The same can also be said for Ernests Gulbis (11) who might face Berdshite in the 4^th Round. Also lurking in these parts are Kevin Anderson (14) who has yet to get a win over Berdshite (one of the few sure things in Berdshite’s life) and also Gasquet (24). This section of the draw has the potential of a surprise quarterfinalist and/or some “upsets”.

Divadal is here people! Don’t get it twisted, he might have been “sick” for months now but he is dangerous in Melbourne

Divadal’s Section Eighth: Divadal has an easy ride into the semifinals. The former champion here in 2009 and last year’s finalist is looking to prove his worth after disappearing yet again from the tour with an “abnormal case of appendicitis”. He looked rusty in Doha losing to Michael Berrer (I don’t know who he is either) but there is virtually no one in these parts that Divadal cannot handle. However, I would have thought he could have handled the scrub Berrer. Nonetheless, this is a major and Divadal usually gets his life together for these big occasions. He opens against Mikhail Youzhny who is a former top 20 player but somehow found himself lurking in the far depth of the ranking. Youzhny if I am not mistaken has a win against Divadal at a major but I doubt it very much if he will be so lucky again. While we are on the subject of surprise win over Divadal at a major, in this section lurks the mercurial Lukas Rosol (28) who might be Divadal’s 3^rd round opponent. However, I am not even sure if Rosol would get that far in the draw but I thought it only fair to point out that there was a potential of it happening.

Mr. Federer (2) v Lochness Monster Murray (6) Quarter

You know if I don’t at least get to the finals, you’re fired right Amelie?

Lochness Monster’s Section Eighth: Now the end of last year did not bode well for the Scotsman who is a 3-time finalist here in Melbourne. He got his ass whipped by Mr. Federer at the Year Ending Championships; 0-6 1-6. After this result, Nessie fired his entire team with the lone exception of Amelie Mauresmo. He also decided to make it official with his long term girlfriend Kim Sears (I think that is how her name is pronounced but I hardly care one way or the other) Anyway, he too should have an easy time getting to the 2^nd week of the tournament. He will potentially face Dimitrov (10) who I am not sure about as of late.

Dimitrov is looking to get his bag straps together!

I have no clue which version of Martha’s Bulgarian handbag will show up in Melbourne. This clutch could play tennis like the real deal from the luxury shop or show up here like a knockoff from Chinatown. He should have no trouble getting past German Jamaican Dustin Brown in the 1^st round. Brown I am sure will be spending the match thinking about all the tweets about him because after the match he will spend all his time retweeting. This fool spends more time retweeting on Twitter than on the actual tennis court. He swears he is the shite. Meanwhile, he cannot make the German Davis Cup team. #gurlbye Anyway, if Dimitrov is not up to the task, lil Hobbit David Goffin (20) might be there ready to take his spot in the 4^th Round.

Mr. Federer is ready to claim his 5th Aussie Open title!

Mr. Federer’s Section Eighth: Mr. Federer also has an easy time to quarters. Hopefully the teenager, Borna Coric can get his life together and win a couple of rounds to meet Mr. Federer in the 3^rd round. Otherwise, Jeremy Chardy (29) might be Mr. Federer’s opponent. Not much to fear still unless one counts Tommy Robredo (15) who took out Mr. Federer at the 2013 US Open. Mr. Federer looked good coming into Melbourne having won the Brisbane title. He looked in great form as he dispatched both Dimitrov and Raonic. However, despite the immense talents that both Dimitrov and Raonic possess, they are hardly the real problem for Mr. Federer. If Mr. Federer wants to win this title, he has to beat Divadal and Djokovic back to back in a major. This is a HUGE ORDER especially at 33 years old. However, if anyone can get it done, it is Mr. Federer. Hopefully luck is on his side as well. 

Youngster Borna Coric is looking to make a splash on the tour this year

OVERALL IMPRESSION OF THE MENZ DRAW

There is not really much else to say. The draw is evenly distributed. I really do not think that the bottom half is stacked more so than the top. However, the Melbourne organizers see it fit to place Mr. Federer and Divadal on the same side of the draw AGAIN. Mr. Federer who has made it to the Aussie Open semis or better (4-time Champion here) since 2004 (AMAZING RECORD), always seem to bump into Divadal a lot. Anyway, I think Djoker is the favourite no matter how you slice it. Whether he would win is another matter altogether but he is the one trending in my book. Supposedly, the weather in Melbourne will be cooler over the next two weeks and the courts are playing faster … allegedly. Now this might give Mr. Federer is good chance to claim his 18^th major title but that is still is BIG ASK!

Never count out Divadal. He is on 14 majors and he is looking for number 15 to edge even closer to Mr. Federer in the top major winner category. A win here at the Aussie Open would make him the 2nd man in the Open-Era (open meaning that the sport is open to both tennis professionals and amateurs) to win each major at least twice! Meanwhile, Lochness Murray is desperate to keep his name in the “Honourable Mention” section in light of the top 3 players listed above. He can definitely make the necessary noise here to do so by winning this elusive title. However, for him to get to the final and win this title will require a Herculean effort. I am not sure he has that power.

Mr. Nicky Kripsy Kringles Kyrgios is confused as to what the deal is. He looks like he’s ready for some ratchet fashion shoot in some back alley

I don’t know why Hewitt’s son Cruz is on the court. Seems like daddy has babysitting issues. It is my feelings that Hewitt is not retiring because Becky doesn’t want him home and he needs the money because his old broken body should be home by now

Anyway, I think we can wrap up the menz here for now. I look forward to giving you the “in-depth” coverage from Melbourne!  

Wimbledon 2014: Day 5

My gurl is gone!

So RealzTenisFanz is late yet again. Oh my what a weekend! What a weekend. Realz is depressed! Wimbledon is giving me fever; typhoid and scarlet fever! I can’t; I just cannot deal with these results. I do not even have time for chit-chat about anything else but my gurl Ebony Starr lost. Oh fanz, you do not know how much I am emotionally connected to this gurl. Oh my the lost wrecked me for the weekend. Granny Vee (30) played Petra Kvitova (6) aka  Grand High Witch aka GHW. They played perhaps one of the best matches all year and my gurl last, 7-5 6-7 5-7. “[T]oday I did the best I could. I think she played well at every single moment. There weren’t a lot of opportunities for either one of us. She played well. I gave it my all. Sometimes it’s not enough … “Yeah, it’s a shame there had to be a loser in this match and more of a shame that it had to be me. But all I can say is that it’s great to see women’s tennis on such a high level.” Well I am glad that Granny Vee feels this way because I sure ain’t feeling all this. I was down; realz down. I really wanted Ebony Starr to do well here. I am happy that she did not lose badly but nevertheless, she lost.

It was rough gurl real rough

GHW working some magic on my gurl at the end breaking her in the 12th game

Realz still love you Granny Vee! Just get it together for the summer. We expecting titles this summer like back in 2000 and 2001

Something doesn’t smell right here … oh yeah it’s my game. It stinks to high heaven

And in other upsetting news, LiNaLi (2) lost yet again to a lower ranked player Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova 7-6 7-6. This was such a ridiculous match. I mean Li took the early lead and then totally collapsed. She was raining errors all over the place. I mean when she missed, she was missing badly. It was like she wanted to lose. Both she and Granny Vee had excellent draws and could have made something of it. However they are both gone now and fanz just have to bemoan their losses.

Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova

Meanwhile, do you know who is still in the draw? Bratzwanska (4), Mrs. Koolaide aka Simona Halep (3), Lady Gollum (23), Makarova (22) and even Danish Biscuit (16). They all won their matches and moved through to the next round. Wait, because of rain, Danish Biscuit, Mrs. Koolaide and up and coming Belinda Bencic who beat Victoria Duval from the US, all played their 2^nd round matches on Friday. The other winners include Shuai Peng who beat another American Lauren Davis and another Czech Tereza Smitkova. That makes 4 Czech women in the Round of 16 more so than any other country. Even more so than the US who currently is batting ZERO. Their last hope is Madison Keys who is currently in battle with Yaroslava Shvedova. Keys already dropped the first set and they are locked in a tiebreaker in the 2^nd set. Play was suspended due to poor lighting. Meanwhile, I have to say that both Danish Biscuit and Bratzwanska are dropping bagels and breadsticks sets on their opponents like opponents like they are daughters of Betty Crocker and the Pillsbury Dough Man. Those girls have been ruthless thus far.

Realz you trying to act as though it our fault that your peoples suck adn we don’t . No Makarova, I am just saying that I don’t like you folks especially when my peeps not around… kidding gurl.. you look like you about to have a coronary. Take a joke! That vein about to pop

On the men’s side, well Djoker Harlequeen has made getting to the 2^nd week of Wimbledon look like hard work. Gurl has been messy. I mean she has won relatively routinely but she is giving a lot of these scrubs looks at breaking him. A lot of them even thinking that they can even get the upset; this is not cute. I mean seriously, he is the only one capable of dealing with Divadal and lord knows he made a mess of it. I mean he has been rolling through and getting the wins but still, gurl needs to look a lot sharper if he intends to win his 2^nd Wimbledon. He took out Gilles Simon 6-4 6-2 6-4.

He almost damaged his shoulder. But he’s okay

Meanwhile, you know how is looking in great shape? Lochness Monster (3)! He is just dragging these boys out here lately. He got out Roberto Bautista-Agut (27) 6-2 6-3 6-2. Nevertheless, this is all good and cute but Bautista-Agut is not the Spaniard he needs to be beating like this … You get what I am saying? I mean seriously, everyone be trying to drag the Spanish boys except the one Spaniard at the top.

Thanks for showing up at my party. A gift bag is at the door on your way out

Anyways, Maria’s clutch Dimitrov (11) came back from being down 1-2 sets and knocked out BWLLAGWLLAB (Boy Who Looks Like A Girl Who Looks Like A Boy) Dolgopolov (21). BWLLAGWLLAB was up but he decided to let the match go and totally capitulated in the 5^th set 6-7 6-4 2-6 6-4 6-1. Anyway, Dimitrov is supposedly the “dark horse” in this competition. Yeah okay! I mean I seriously doubt one of these scrubs is going to pull a “Stan” at Wimbledon. Other winners include Baby Ali (14) and Chin Cilic (26) who beat Berdshite (6) in straight sets. Chin Cilic played an excellent match. I swear Berdshite is bird brain. He is so passive in big matches. Meanwhile, Sergiy Stakhovsky who beat Gulbis in the 2^nd round, well he did the same nonsense by losing in the next round in the 4 sets to Jeremy Chardy. Mr. Pignini (16) aka Fognini is gone as Kevin Anderson (20) took him to the slaughter house.

I thought I was playing on the ATP

Gurl what you saying about me?

There were several 2^nd round matches that had to be completed. Marcel Granollers (30) lost to Santiago Giraldo who for his winning efforts will play Mr. Federer in the 3^rd round. Leonardo Mayers beat Andrey Kuznetsov in straight sets. Meanwhile, Jerzy Janowicz (15) took out Hewitt in 5 sets.

Divadal this is how to work an injury on court … First you fall

Then you are in real pain

Where does it hurt? Right now, my nose. Your breath stinks

Definitely abs day at the gym!!

Definitely working on my abs

Hush my baby. It’s okay sweetie. It is only one loss, I will make you feel better tonight

TSONGA ON COURT DANCE MOVES

First up in the air

Try for the splits but if you can’t try a wolf jump type (gymnastic move)

Then one hand in the air

The the other

Then you shake that thing that your mama gave you

The best I have seen Caro aka Danish Biscuit look in like forever

I think my moobs are bigger than her boobs

Wimbledon 2014 Preview I: The Men’s Draw

You know Realz always ignore the rules

So RealzTenisFanz is finally back on the blogosphere. Currently I am “enjoying” this unemployment status. (Won’t someone hire me and pay me good money?) It is just a brutal affair right now. I might have to start turning tricks and sad to say, I am not a kid. Anyway, let me apologize for not making a single entry for the French Open 2014. I had intentions to do so the entire time. However, I ended up being extremely busy with another gig http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/ Feel free to comment there also as well as here. Now this Hackshaw dude is a lot different from Realz in that he is not as haterrific but I guess one has to be versatile in order to make it to the top or in my case, stay at the bottom.

There not one thing about this picture that makes me happy! Nada! Rien! Nyet! “Hey gurl ReRe, we miss you!” Meanwhile, man in the middle: “That look when you trying to touch the pretty lady’s ass and the man on the other side reaching for yours”

Anywho I am digressing. What can I say about the 2014 French Open? I mean Divadal won his 9^th title and 5^th in a row and Shriekapova won her 2^nd. Now you think I was a happy camper? Nope not in the least! It was as horrid as back in 2012 when there was a similar result.  So here we are 3 weeks later at Wimbledon. By the way, there is talk that next year, there would be a longer grass court season. That would be interesting because as it stands now, there are about 7 tournaments between the men and women (4 for men and 3 for women) and they are mostly going on simultaneously. I think they can do better than this for sure. Most of the top players skipped them and those who showed up with the exception of Mr. Federer, they all lost early.

The Wimbledon Trophies

So let us discuss the draw. On the men’s side, Wimbledon committee chose to this year play around with the seedings for the men. Presumably this was to deal with Andy Murray’s 5^th place ranking. He is the defending champion so the Wimbledon feels that if he is outside of the top 4, he is likely to get into trouble. I mean he lost to Radek Stepanek at Queen’s Club in the 3^rd round. I don’t know who they think they’re protecting because at Wimbledon, the trouble comes not from the “big boys” but from the scrubs lurking about the place. Anyway, Wimbledon did some hocus pocus Hogwarthian magic with the ranking not just for Lochness Monster but for some other players. I have highlighted the crazy “fixing” by the All-England Club. Do note that Juan Martin Del-Potro aka Beast Boy who is ranked 8^th in the world and 27th ranked Nicolas Almagro are not playing so that means everyone below them should only move up one spot. However, Wimbledon School of Magical Farts and Wigotry worked with a “New Math” principles in mind. There are so much to say on the subject but I can’t right now… I am trying to finish this and go for a run…I have to tell you people that the two weeks of major tournament be messing up my gym/run/sleep schedule. I cannot deal. This is summer time and I cannot be gaining weight…. No one is checking for bears these days and Bears are only the interest of Goldilocks if you know what I mean. Anyway, though this seeding business is bullshit, it hardly matters. It is very unlikely that someone other than Djoker, Divadal, Mr. Federer or Lochness Monster will be in the final to take the crown. However, on a matter of principle, it is not okay. Those players who got shafted worked really hard for their rankings and then Wimbledon decides that they are not worthy of it. Meanwhile, the women stayed the same!

Professor Wiggle Wimbledon mucking around with the men’s seeds. Changopresto!

Player	Wimbledon Seed	Actual Ranking
Djoker (Novak Djokovic)	1	2
Divadal (Rafael Nadal)	2	1
Lochness Monster (Andy Murray)	3	5
Mr. Federer (Roger Federer)	4	4
Stan the Man (Stan Wawrinka)	5	3
Berdshite/Lurch (Tomas Berdych)	6	6
Fake Fire Ferrer (David Ferrer)	7	7
Dennis the Menace (Milos Raonic)	8	9
Big Friendly Giant aka BFG (John Isner)	9	11
Kei Nishikori	10	12
Sharapova’s Bulgarian clutch (Grigor Dimitrov)	11	13
Ernests Gulbis	12	10
Richard Gasquet	13	14
Baby Ali (Jo-Wilfried Tsonga)	14	17
Jerzy Janowicz	15	24
Mr. Piggy (Fabio Fognini)	16	15
Mikhail Youzhny	17	16
Tabasco Verdasco (Fernando Verdasco)	18	23
FeFe Lopez (Feliciano Lopez)	19	25
Kevin Anderson	20	18
BWLLAGWLLAB (Alexandr Dolgopolov)	21	19
Philipp Kohlschreiber	22	27
Tommy Robredo	23	22
Beetlejuice (Gael Monfils)	24	21
Andreas Seppi	25	34
Chin Cilic (Marin Cilic)	26	29
Roberto Bautista Agut	27	28
Guillermo Garcia-Lopez	28	31
Ivo Karlovic	29	33
Marcel Granollers	30	30
Vasek Pospisil	31	35
Dmitry Tursunov	32	32

I am going to divide the men’s draw into halves and then quarters. I will discuss the players in each section, labelling each section based on the top seeds. I will highlight the various potential matchups and key matches to watch. I am not making predictions because you know how that goes. All I can say as always, I want Mr. Federer to win. That will never change.

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Djoker (1) v Berdshite (6)

Djoker is looking for another Wimbledon crown

Djoker (2011 Champion) opens his campaign for a 2^nd Wimbledon crown against Andrey Golubev. He has a potential 2^nd round match up against Shark Boy Stepanek. However, knowing how Shark Boy loves to play 5 set matches in majors, Djoker will be fresh and ready to crush him.  There is also a potential class between Djoker and Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Baby Ali (14) in the Round of 16. Now we all remember that beat down Baby Ali got recently in Paris by the hands of Djoker. I am sure Baby Ali would be looking for revenge. I am not sure how much he would be able to exact because Djoker is hungry to win a major this year. He has come up short twice already and he is not feeling that at all.

Baby Ali has a winning smile but that will not help him at the All-England Club

On the other side of this quarter lies Berdshite who has made the final here in 2010. He has all the attributes to be an excellent grass court player other than the fact that he is a Neanderthal’s brain. Berdshite has to get pass Marin Chin Cilic (26) in the 3^rd round and then face in the Round of 16 the winner of the Ernests Gulbis (12) v Tabasco Verdasco (18) 3^rd round match. There was some HUGE HITTERS in this section of the draw. Would be very interesting to see what happens here.

Quarter 2: Lochness Monster (3) v Fake Fiery Ferrer (7)
Lochness Monster is the defending champion and he comes into this Wimbledon with a female coach, 2006 champion Amelie Mauresmo. This is a huge headline in and of itself. I must admit that initial when this talk of their partnership was a rumour, I did not think it would happen. However, when it was in fact finalized, I really have no issue with it. I mean a coach is someone telling you what to do. It is not like the coach needs to be of a specific gender or of a certain calibre former player. I know a lot of guys have a lot of bullshit to say. However, I think this is a good partnership and more than likely Amelie will stop Lochness Monster from giving those monster faces all the time on court. He will be force to act more like an adult than a sullen child. Anyway, he has a really easy draw. He got a scrub, David Goffin in the 1^st round and then possible a Spaniard clay court specialist though he just won a grass court tournament in Holland, Roberto Bautista-Agut (27) in the 3^rd round or Mr. Piggy, Fabio Fognini (16) or Kevin Anderson (20) in the 4^th round. I do not know when is Lochness Monster’s birthday but he can consider this a birthday/Christmas gift all rolled up in one.

Lochness Monster is giving me FACE!!

Now listen to me, you have to play the one-handed slice backhand… Can you do that for me? It worked against Henin.

On the other end is Grigor Dimitrov (11) aka Shriekapova’s Bulgarian handbag who opens against American Ryan Harrison. Rising star, Austria’s Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem is a potential 2^nd round opponent for the clutch purse. This should be a good match up but I think Grigor will come through. It would be a very good looking match nonetheless. I think Ferrer who is on the bottom of this section should come through for at least the Round of 16. There is a matchup of some interest here when Dustin Brown who inexplicably defeated Divadal in Halle couple of weeks ago. “Dreddy Tennis” as he calls himself, will play against Marcos Fatdatis in the 1^st round. I would like to see how this one turns out.

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Mr. Federer (4) v Stan the Man (5)

Live Fast? Just don’t die quick out there. Last year you punked out in the 2nd round much to my horror. I can’t deal with these kinda dismal results at all this year

Hopefully that is a rising sun and not a setting one… Because your career seems to be near dusk right about now

Mr. Federer (4) the 7^th time champion is looking for his 8^th title here. He faces a bothersome Frenchman Julien Benneteau in the 2^nd round and then possibly Dingo Dog Hewitt or 2013 semifinalist Jerzy Janowicz (15) or Tommy Robredo (23) in the 4^th round. Stan the Man (5) has not done well on grass here but still he deserves his ranking of 3 in the world. Anyway, he will have a tough time getting out of this part of the draw. Not only is Mr. Federer a possible quarterfinal opponent but he could face either Denis Istomin or Dmitry Tursunov (32) in the 3^rd round and then Alejandro Falla and FeFe Lopez (19) in the 4^th round. A good match that might be featured is FeFe Lopez v BFG Isner (9). However, Isner is not known for his grass court prowess. I mean he has never got past the 2^nd round EVER here at Wimbledon. So Lopez might be able to sneak into the quarters.

Stan the Man at least the back of him gossiping with Maria’s clutch, Grigor

Quarter 4: Divadal (2) v Dennis the Menace Raonic (8)
Dennis the Menace should make the quarters here though it would be a nice matchup between him and Kei Nishikori (10) in the Round of 16. There is also the match of Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) v Nishikori in the 3^rd round that should be worthy of attention.

Kei gurl… oh no… this is not acceptable. Here I thought you were cute until you smiled. No no no… I’m gonna need you to do better! Definitely, you looking like Charley Horse with that smile

Dennis the Menace is thinking about doing some damage here at Wimbledon with that lethal 1st serve!

Now a lot of people have picked Divadal to win the title. I am not sure why considering his recent record on grass. However, this is Divadal and you know how he and his “magical body” do operate. So he really stands a good chance to win. Anyway, he may have to deal with Lukas Rosol again in the 2^nd round and possibly Ivo Karlovic (29) in the 3^rd round. If he can get past that, there is the fickle Frenchmen of Richard Gasquet (13) and Beetlejuice (24) in the Round of 16. A lot of people feel that this is a “Draw of Death” of Divadal but seriously, this is Divadal we are talking about. I hope he loses but I do not expect that to happen at all. He has the potential of really extending his lead as the number one player since he won no points here last year when he was defeated in the 1^st round by Steve Darcis. Djoker on the other hand got to the final.

Divadal getting his Wimbledon practice in

However, before he got to Wimbledon on his boat relaxing with “friend”. I don’t see Xisca there about. My eyes aren’t that good. Let me know if you see her. “Realz I know you send these paparazzi for me! Leave me alone!!”

This is from last year around this time

Another recent vacay… Gurl let me rub some oil on your back.

Who knew Divadal like them “thickems” Apparently not only Goldilocks checking for bears and cubs

Mr. Federer getting a nice send off from being the President of the Player’s Council! He got babies at home to take care oh. He ain’t got no time for politics. Those shoes Mr. Federer is wearing, Loro Piana. And those “simple loafers” cost at least $800USD. I wonder if he wants to adopt me

I mean look at this line up.. I mean where do I begin… or should I say who do I begin with? We can leave off Anderson (in the flip flops). Have to be a very drunk night.

I think I am hurt myself

Yeah I can see that right there on your ankle. You might want to get up and get some help. We’re busy out here right now..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 3

CLT+ALT+DEL

Hey Fanz I am so sorry that this posting is coming to you at about the time that Day 4 is set to begin at the Australian Open. Well technically, Day 4 has already begun. I was having extreme technical difficulties. I just found out that the hard drive on my laptop is damaged and that I will loose everything that is on it. This is a bummer and a half. I do not know much about computers. Needless to say that I am hot like the weather in Australia. The only good thing is that the computer is still under warranty. My desktop was not working so well but that was a simple easier fix. So I can post this and the others hopefully.

I think someone is literally being barbequed right now

To the tennis: MY GOD IT IS HOT DOWN UNDER. Everyone is complaining about the heat. I mean we all know that it is hot in Australia at this time but now it is RIDONCULOUS. #Globalwarmingmuch The on court temperatures are hotter than outside temperatures and players are burning up…and not in the good way. It is mainly survival tennis at this time…ie if they can survive the heat to play tennis..

Shade… I must get to the shade…

But let’s get to the results.

It was a semi-tough day out there for the Chinese but she is through to the 3rd round

LiNaLi won her matchup in sorta convincing fashion. LiNaLi won the 1st set in bagel fashion but struggled in the 2nd as Belinda Bencic started to play for real now. However, get valiant effort didn’t pay off as she lost in the tiebreaker. The Swiss is one of the younglings to keep an eye on for the future. The Serenanator was far more routine in her victory 6-1 6-2. Sam D’Stove Stosur is finding her game in Australia again these days as she took out the ever dangerous Pironkova in straight sets 6-2 6-0. Pironkova however had a broken crotch and was clearly hampered by this. Nonetheless, D’Stove will take the win. I believe she’ll face Ana the Terrible for a place in the Round of 16 where the winner will face the Serenanator if current form holds true.

I am ready for these itches…BRING IT ON

Several seeded players lost their way to the 3rd round. Lisicki (15) didn’t get the rest of the game plan for the 2nd and 3rd sets from Hingis as after winning the 1st set 6-2 over Niculescu, she basically didn’t even know her way to Sesame Street. Lisicki had a blonde moment that lasted the rest of the match. Meanwhile, Niculescu seized the moment to hold serve and fried up a two piece combo meal for Lisicki. Niculescu 2-6 6-2 6-2
Casey Dellacqua gave Australia much to smile about as she trashed 18th seed Kristen Flipkens 6-3 6-0.

Lisicki in the 1st set!

Losicki after the 2nd and 3rd sets

Most of the other seeded players came through for the 3rd round including Carebear Kerber (9),Ana the Terrible (14) Makarova (22), Safarova (26) aka Lady Gollum, Flavia Penne Pasta (28),Eugenie Bouchard (30) and Daniela Hepburnova (31) who won 12-10 in the 3rd set.

Eugenie Bouchard of Canada… honey you bought that outfit from a moose in Saskatchewan?

One would think that with all these gay fans, she would not be committing these fashion atrocities… But I guess that’s how they roll in Canada

Other notable winners included Americans Laura Davis who dismissed Julia Goerges in 3 sets, Alison Riske who handed out unlimited breadsticks to Yanina Wickmayer 6-1 6-1, Moaning Mona Barthel who is benefitting from the ousting of Petra Kvitova. Jie Zheng former semifinalist here in 2010 also won with a 3 set victory over American Madison Keys.

Djoker is all business with his easy bake oven draw

I’m sorry but Boris Becker looks like an overexuberant butch lesbian soccer mom

On the men’s side Djoker Harlequeen isn’t wasting time on court as he dismissed his opponent on convincing fashion 6-0 6-4 6-4. Berdshite also won in straight sets. Fiery Ferrer needed 4 sets to get through the 3rd round. He’s randomly dropping sets these days so look for and early round lost from the Spaniard. I don’t see him getting to the latter stages of this major. Sam Querry aka the Grinch took out the 23rd seed Ernst Gulbis in straight sets. I hope no one was betting on Gulbis because he’s never sure money unless you’re betting on his opponent. Gulbis ever remains that enigma. I was actually surprised that he was seeded here and so high. Nonetheless, very good of Sam to try to salvage American mens tennis. They need all the big wins they can get.

The Grinch is trying to steal his way into the latter stages of a major

There were two other seeded players who got dispersed but wasn’t really make losses. Youzhny (14) lost to Florian Mayer in 5 sets. I expected more from the Russian but I forgot he’s Russian and meltdown is inevitable. His compatriot 30th seed Dmitry Tursunov fell to Denis Istomin in 4 sets. Istomin is a dangerous floater so watch him. Ivan Dodig (32) had to retire in the 4th set.

I hope you aall didn’t forget about me

Things are so bad with Davydenko these days, he got himself a tan.

Despite this, most of the other seeded players played their parts to the hilt and were able to move through to play another day. Gasquet (9) came through in straight sets over Nikolay Davydenko. I expected at least 4 sets from this match but Gasquet is playing smart tennis these days at majors. Good of him. High time now he produces the top level tennis we all hoped he would give. Pity he came win a major unless a plague hits the draw. However he’s not the only one praying for the locusts to fly, Fabio Fognini (15), Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19), Jerzy Janowicz (20), Jeremy Chardy (29) all hope that God would send the floods again to wash the top 6 away because the Red Sea will part again before they win a major whilst the top 6 are alive and well in the draw. They can barely win regular tour tournaments much more hoist a major trophy. When was the last time one of the top 6 didn’t win the master level trophy? Probably like 2011 and that was just one person I think.

Florian Mayer working himself through to the 3rd round

Anyway in regards to that much anticipated showdown between Matthew Ebden and Vasek Pospisil (28) Pospisil won of course in 4 sets giving the Aussie a breadstick to wave to the crowd in the 4th set 3-6 7-6 7-6 6-1 what a waste!

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this posting despite it’s late arrival….

She might not be pretty in pink but she sure is powerful! You know a woman is doing it and doing it right when she got her man carrying the purse! ReRe that lil pouchette is killing me

I thought Stella was improving… simple, clean, effective and cute

Then I saw this mess…

Stella needs to STOP!!! Why can’t I get a real endorsement deal and be spared from this garbage??

Berdshite is a soccer player now?? I mean seriously H&M can’t you do better than this

Kuzi, I don’t know what got into you and the stars but I need for you to night night to this hideous dress… NO BUENO

Checkmate!! Move this piece off the board IMMEDIATELY

Keep staring at the wall… You are on punishment for that skirt!!

Hot head!!

My ears are melting!

Sleepytime

What had happened? What you mean it is not nap time??

WTF?? His teeth matches his shirt! I know times are changing and tennis all about colours but we can at least keep our teeth white to pay hommage… that’s just FOUL..

Monica…this face is not okay!! You are scaring the children!!

The best thing about Andy Murray is Daniel Vallverdu

I think so too… he is delish!!

Djoker is showing his “treasure chest”

I am not impressed

Berdshite showing off the clean smooth look

Hmmm I might want a taste of some of that but…

I think I am sexy and I hope you think so too

It’s okay but still

A Brazilian and a Spaniard combo

YES now this is what I am talking about… I am definitely get behind this kinda meal combo

Huh?? What are you doing? I told you, it is my wrist that’s hurting

YEAHHHHHHHH TAKE IT LIKE A MAN… TAKE IT I see gaynesia about to happen in 5, 4, 3, 2…

I’m trying…

Hey Realz, I am talking to you… Stop saying shit about my man Lleyton. Yes I did done stole him from Kim but that’s none of your business. She was flexible is true but my mouth made up for it in bed and Lleyton chose me. I will not tolerate any more smack about him. I will hunt you down like a dog if you say one more thing about him. You have been warned!

Australian Open 2014: Day 2

Really? You really cannot be that hot if you are wearing scuba gear outside. It must be your brain that is on fire

Well folks thus far we are definitely on track with the postings so I am indeed excited about this fact. However, I have to share a bit of misfortune for me. Now, everyone that knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with tennis. I am obsessed with tennis, opera and the Olympics…..yeah and also going to the gym (Only Goldilocks is checking for bears!) I always make it a point to mention my passion for the game of tennis as well as the fact that I have a blog. I always shamelessly try to get RealzTenisFanz out there as much as possible. So imagine my surprise when I am talking to a co-worker recently about the fact that I love tennis. She expressed her genuine shock at the fact that I love tennis for she is friends with a member of Djoker Harlequeen camp. She use to be a former supermodel working with the likes of Claudia Schiffer etc….She was big though not huge in the supermodel sense. She is a good-looking woman and her model shots are AMAZING but I digress. It gets better people… She added “You should have told me because he is always offering me tickets to the US Open! You should have told me because I would have given you the tickets! He is always offering me but I never go”

To say I was flabbergasted is not even the word. WTF? WTFF? WTMFFF?? Is she mad? Is she INSANO! How could she not know? I mean seriously, HOW?? I had to walk away because Satan was whispering evil violent things in my ears and I was ever so inclined to obey. I could not deal because for me, this was no excuse. I could not believe I was so close to being in the players’ box to wear my RealzTenisFanz T-shirt, be on TV, get publicity for this prestigious publication and be famous. I could have even been the lucky charm that Djoker Harlequeen needed to deal with Divadal on that day of the finals. And I missed all of that because of her ignorance. Can you believe the madness of the world? UTTER MADNESS! Needless to say, she was on my shit list all day long. However, come 2014, you know Realz is cashing in on this hook up!!!

Anyway, let us get to Aussie Open action. Wait, I forgot…well I was not that I forgot but it seems as though I missed this news altogether. My former model friend informed me of this. Djoker Harlequeen hired Boris Becker as his coach! Oh my berries, things are getting serious. I mean I figured that things would have to change up with Djoker as for the past 2 years, he has missed some key opportunities in at majors namely, French 2012/2013, Wimbledon 2013, US Open 2012/2013. I mean he has been a mess in big tournaments. However, I always felt that it was his faults not a coaching failure but what do I know. So he takes on a famous former big name player in his coaching corner. Marian Vajda will be taking a backseat and travel with Djoker to limited tournament. Apparently, he was influential in picking Becker as his replacement. Meanwhile, Mr. Federer hired Stefan Edberg to be in his box. We all know that Lochness Monster Murray has Ivan Lendl to help with matters. While all these former glories are trying to light up the paths for current players, Divadal has tired ole cheating Toni Nadal who I do not even think was a professional player himself but yet is kicking all these asses royally. “Isn’t this ironic?” (Alanis Morissette) There is a saying I like saying that I believe that I have coined myself; A good Mathematician isn’t necessarily a good Math teacher.”

Yeah I do not know how effective I can be but I know I would see my name more often in the papers. (Boris Becker, Djoker’s new coach 6 majors)

Mr. Federer and his new coach Stefan Edberg (6 majors)

Lochness Monster and Ivan Lendl (8 majors)

Divadal and Uncle Toni (0 majors) Just beat those bitches with their major titles

Let’s get to the results:

So the day was HOT! It was SCORCHING!! Melbourne was on fire. It was approaching near record temperatures on the grounds. I think this girl below does a way better job of expressing the heat conditions than I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8lXYWXJfHQ

Anyway, Vickie (2) was not having it at all. She looked lethargic, bothered and bloated. I do not know if it is just me but she looks out of shape. However, she is getting the job done when needs be. She took out her opponent in straight sets though it was far from a routine victory 7-6 6-2.

I cannot deal with this heat

On the other hand, Caroline Wozniacki (10) aka Danish Biscuit, wasted no time on court as she ousted her opponent 6-0 6-2. Simone Halep (11) also trashed her opponent 6-0 6-1. Dominika Cibulkova (20) took out former French Open winner Francesca Schiavone in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Francesco has been hitting tough times lately and might soon be playing qualies to be getting into tournaments. Maria Shriekapova playing the last match of the day took out Bethanie Mattek-Sands in straight sets though it was a messy affair 6-3 6-4.

Danish Biscuit was baking

Other straight sets winners include Slaone Stephens (13), Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic (8), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) over American Vania King, Anastasia Fattychunkova (29) and Bojana Jovanovski (33). Bratzwanska (5) made it through in 3 sets as did American Varvara Lepchenko. She will join fellow American Christina McHale in the 2^nd round.

Was Sloane endorsed by Bic Higlighters or the Las Vegas strip? She is just bright even for her own eyes!!

There were no major upsets though some seeded players fell by the way. Kuzi Rex (19) lost in straight sets to Ukrainian Elena Svitolina 3-6 3-6, Sorana Cirstea (21) also lost in straights as Kaia Kanepi (24) got bounced in 3 sets.

Interesting ladies match up for Day 3 Sam Stosur (17) v Tsevtana Pironkova (night session), Sabine Lisicki (15) v Monica Niculescu. Be prepared for pending upsets here. The Serenanator and LiNaLi will also take the court. It is suppose to be another scorching day tomorrow so be prepared for retirements, medical timeouts and possible fainting.

Keeping it chill!

On the Men’s side, Mr. Federer opened his campaign for a 5^th Aussie Open title. Maybe it was the heat but I am not liking for Mr. Federer is looking these days. I know Mr. Federer is 32 and that he is not the Mr. Federer of 2005-2009. However, Mr. Federer is playing erratic/senile tennis. Those balls are landing very short in the court. At times there were flashes of brilliance but other times it was just banality of the highest order. Maybe I am being far too harsh as this is my main how. The thing is it that Mr. Federer is struggling against players of no mettle, merit or might. James Duckworth was giving Mr. Federer a run for his money. The Aussie was playing rather well within himself and it was mere luck and happenstance why he did not manage to pickpocket a set from the Swiss. At the very key moments of the match, Duckworth started to play Fuckworth tennis and Mr. Federer just seized his chance. It was not pretty but it passed and Mr. Federer is through to the 2^nd round 6-4 6-4 6-2.

I got through the day!! Mr. Federer what’s with the pants pattern? They fit nicely though

 Mr. Federer is sitting all hung packing his balls in more than his bag. No wonder Mirka is pregnant again. Fed be laying it down

In other news, Duckworth was not the only Aussie man to be sent packing as this major is near douche free when Hewitt and Tomic were ousted in the 1^st round. I could not be more ecstatic. Tampomic retired after the 1^st set against Divadal (1) with a “groin injury” I want to say something nasty about this matter but it is far too vile even for Realz to repeat. It does not matter to Divadal, he is through to the 2^nd round and on his way to his 2^nd Aussie Open title.

Yeah I am feeling more douchey than usual. Of course I am going to retire, why waste my time out here. I can be home in time to watch Maria’s match.

However, this was not the best result, Rusty Hewitt lost his match in 5 sets. You know how he loves the heroics and to be screaming Come ONs all over the place. He clashed up against Andreas Seppi (24) my sweet sweet Italian sausage and dropped the first 2 sets 6-7 3-6. It is at this moment when Hewitt often shines and he did not disappoint taking the next two sets 7-5 7-5 and he did so at the latter stages of those sets as both times, Seppi failed to hold serve to go to a tiebreaker. So in 5^th set, Seppi returned the favour by breaking Hewitt in the 12^th game to take the set and the match. G’day Mate!!! Yes.

Baby Ali is looking ruff and tuff with his Afro puff

Baby Ali (10) went through in straight sets as did Lochness Monster (4) Feliciano FeFe Lopez (26) and Monfils aka Beetlejuice (25). Del Potro Beast Boy (5) won in 4 sets. This is why Del Potro finds difficulty winning another major. He is in the early stages of matches, monkeying around and wasting energy. Why is he in a 4 set battle against Rhyne Williams? Who is Rhyne Williams? Other 4 set winners include Fernando Tabasco Verdasco (31), Milos Raonic (11) and Grigor Dimitrov (22) who is now working with Roger Rasheed former coach of Monfils. I am excited by this news. I hope Grigor produces better results this year. He has a lot of potential. Kei Nishikori (16) is another one of those players who is not efficient at majors. He won a 5 set battle to move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, Gilles Simon (18) beat my boo Danny Brands 16-14 in the 5^th set to move through to the next round. Young Americans Donald Young and Jock Sock also move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, fellow American John Isner had to retire after 2 sets with an aggravated ankle injury.

Nice to see Donald Young winning a major match

Radek Stepanek aka Shark Boy retired in the 4^th set after winning the first 2. I guess he is protecting his body as he has doubles to play. He is the defending US Open doubles champ. Smart man about the money.

Interesting matchups tomorrow for the men.. Sam Querry v Ernst Gulbis and Nikolay Davydenko v Richard Gasquet (9). I looked at the schedule and saw that Matthew Ebden (Aus) will play 28^th seed Vasek Pospisil (Can) is in the 2^nd match for the night session at the Rod Laver Arena. Ebden is currently ranked 67 in the world. Are they fcuking kidding me? What kinda a bullshit is this? This is like the warmup act closing the show and the main event came on only for sound check. Australian Open better check their nationalism madness at the door. Not even at the US Open will I see a Jock Sock or Donald Young night match UNLESS they are playing one of the big boys! Ain’t nobody have time for this.

Hope you enjoy!!! AND SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT REALZ TENIS FANZ!!

PICTURE SHOW: Treasure Chests!!

Divadal is giving that camera man in the back some action

Berdych showing us his pecs

Alejandro Gonzalez of Colombia getting in on the action

Kei Nishikori

Fognini

Oh Fogging Fognini

Boo can I do that for you??

But tennis players have nothing on these guys..

Cullen Jones… I want to be a water droplet right now

Ryan Reynolds…Blade Trinity… that’s all I got to say…

 

Australian Open 2014

Every major, when I’m trying to rearrange my life to get in as much tennis in as possible, I always contemplate whether to post a preview bit. Now mind you, all the major publications do so in an effort to drum up some interest and frankly so that they can talk. However, with the current state of both the men and women’s tours, matters have long been decided. For the past three years now, it’s been the same gang at the top. There’s nothing new to say. I am sure the same notes from the preview to the French, Wimbledon and the US Open 2012 and 2013 will apply for this Australian Open 2014. I dare someone to say otherwise.

However, I figured that RealzTenisFanz cannot be so far out of the main stream though we are hardly the type of prestigious publication to follow trends blindly. Nonetheless, I figured why not revive the blog for 2014 with a lil something for the Fanz.

From Realz!!

While we are on this subject Fanz, I think 2014 will see us going on quite a bit so I want to thank you all for your continued support. Happy New Tennis Year ! I know many of you are dying to tell about your Christmas and New Years affairs. However, we aren’t here for that. We will get into personal gossips later on. Furthermore, our lives aren’t nearly as interesting as the pro players so we will ignore our mundane madness for the sake of their more scintillating sagas.

So let us have the realz score on this one now

But let us not digress…. Wait, I’m not sure if I actually confirmed this but I regret to inform you that it’s really true that Petra Kvitova and Radek Stepanek are in fact a couple. I don’t think my brain has fully grasp this ugly concept. In fact whenever I think of them as a couple, my mind’s defense system kicks in and automatically blurs Shark Boy’s face.

Homewrecker??? Nicole and Radek on their wedding day. Right, Petra in her version of a black dress

PeekaBoos!!

Can’t deal with that much beastliness in one thought. I know people will label Petra a homewrecker seeing as Shark Boy is still married to former top ten Nicole Vaidisova. However, in my humble opinion, it was a hideous home. It ain’t for looks or charms so it has to be he drops his shorts and you silly school of girls just lose your bloody minds as well as your panties.

Wait what do you mean I have to share you??

This was Petra’s old boo but she don’t want no small fry anymore… she’s looking for big fish

So Nickie girl, you get yourself some new dick though I am guessing that Shark Boy is hung like a sperm whale because too many decent looking girls are getting bitten by this predator. I bet he be munching on their seabed like it the last plankton in all of the Red Sea. Sushi is on the menu girls and you are the catch of the day! Ladies I advised you all to invest in a decent toy and if not get yourself a good “buddy” with ironclad contractual terms, safe play because no one deserves to be caught up in the cult that is Radek Stepanek. He’ll kill your joy and your career. Ask Martina Hingis and Nicole. At this point in Petra’s career, she doesn’t know where she’s going but most certainly sure that she’s coming and coming very regular. So I guess I should be happy for her?

And she found it with Shark Boy

To the real tennis newz :

Divadal before his make up!

On the men’s side, the number one seed, Rafael Nadal aka Lord Clay aka Divadal aka Lord Clay and hardcourt Divadal (She lost only two clay court matches last year and didn’t lose on hardcourt whilst picking up his 8th French Open title and 2nd US Open crown), has a draw of death. It’s just traps all over the place. First off he has to deal with Bernard Tampomic and frankly I know the Spanish Diva is going to handle this mess in 3 straight kleenex sets but no one wants to deal with the Aussie crowds fully supporting their man and the added misfortunes of having to endure Bernard’s on court bullshit. You know this latent case is going to be showing her dirty knickers all over the place when those Divadal forehands be coming from all corners of the court. It’s going to be a mess I’m sure of it.

Yeah I am a douche… so what?? Am I the biggest douche down under?? Hmmm

No I am the biggest douche down under

What’s even worst for the number one seed is that he has to deal with not one Aussie Asshole but two; Lleyton Hewitt is also on this section. Hewitt’s career got a resurrection of sorts when he beat Mr. Federer in Brisbane last week in 3 sets. So look out this possible 4th round clash.

I am ready for all these douche bags. Bring them on!!

Wait did you say Xisca is coming on court?? I need to get out of her.

Beetlejuice is lurking for Divadal in this section for a possible 3rd round match up that’s if Beetlejuice shows up in Melbourne to play tennis and not to pay clown.  Divadal has to also contend with Beast Boy who is definitely poised this year to make some real major noise again. Del Potro wants another major and he will get it soon enough in my humble and often awesome opinion. But all in all its unlikely he is losing early unless Rosol and Darcis had a baby together.

I don’t know which Beetlejuice will show up

Ahh the maladies of Murray have already begun and he hasn’t even played a match yet

On the other side of the top half is Lochness Monster who has had a rather dismal year since winning Wimbledon last year. This creature might be stumbling since his magical 2012. Murray has been featured in three Aussie Open finals now I think and winning a total of 1 set of the ten that he played. I’m sure he thinks that the 4th time is the charm. However you know this is of no concern to me because Mr. Federer (6) is in this quarter and that’s my main man. However, Mr. Federer has two French men in his realm, Baby Ali et Chicken leg Simon. They both come lethal and with historic wins over the greatest thing since slice in my tennis world.

I don’t know what is going on with me anymore. I am going senile on the tennis courts it seems.

The Scotsman has to deal with the likes of BFG John Isner and Chin Cilic. This is just tough half all over. Just potential problems all over the place for everyone. No match is an easy round.

Despite all this, I think Divadal is coming through this half. Mr Federer might get to the semis but he doesn’t have the stamina to deal with the hard court beast that is Divadal plus Mr. Federer has far more pressing issues before he gets to semis…. And that’s if he even gets there. My man is no longer a safe bet especially as the 6th seed. He’s working with Stefan Edberg but I’m not sure this will help. Federer needs a nutritionist to help him gain muscle mass. No Bueno! I almost forgot the gossip, Mirka is pregnant again. I couldn’t really tell because she always look with child. However, Mr. Federer made the announcement on Facebook and I have to take his word for it on these matters.

Mommy and granny holding the girls… possibly brother(s) on the way??

David Ferrer’s quarter…. Is this even a legitimate expression? However the numbers don’t lie, he’s the 3rd ranked player and gets his own section. However this prize hasn’t brought him much gifts because he has to deal with a lot of bigger men, Tommy Haas Mikhail Youzhny, Tomasz Berdshite and Jerzy Janowicz. It’s going to be tough and of course he has the 3 time defending champion Djoker Harlequeen on his side.

I am gonna be passing out some chocolate because I have a sweet sweet draw

Now I have seen easy bake oven draws in the past but I think this quarter for Novak is a new model where we might as well had just give Novak byes all the way to the finals or at least the semis to make it interesting. There’s no one in this section to trouble the man. No one! Ernst Gulbis? Richard Gasquet? Marcos Baghdatis? Ain’t he married? This must be sketch comedy because I know Djoker is laughing his ass off. The only possible hiccup is Stan Wawrinka and we all know how messy this girl can be. She got handled at the US Open and that must still be hurting.

Anyway, I think Divadal and Djoker are the two contenders here though I do not look forward to a possible finals between these two as I would like to not waste 7 hours of my life with these two for one of them to finally take the title.

It is just me, myself and I out there. No one comes close to me.

On the ladies’ draw I mean what more can one say other than the Serenantor (1) is here to win this title and try yet again for the one thing that her career does not have: a true Grand Slam. She is going for it this year full steam ahead. She is not going to let herself be deterred. Every year since 2010 she is becoming more and more mentally focused and her hard work is paying off. Since that ugly defeat in 2012 at the French Open, she has been looking stupendous. Her shots are cleaner, crisper and she is staying in shape. No one has seen this kinda of focus from Serena for a long time…if not ever. It seems that everything is looking up for her now. However, we all know it is at these times when she looks unstoppable, she then lets her bad self get in the way and implodes on court. Hopefully, this sorta thing is not going to happen because I think Serena has worked hard enough and deserves the calender slam. I would also really like to see her in the 20s with major titles. She is really that good of a player!!

Yeah you forgot about me??

Yeah there are competitors to consider, Vickie (2), Maria (3) and LiNaLi (4) but do they even stand a chance? I mean Vickie is the ONLY one who does not get routine bagels and/or breadsticks from the American. Vickie can play the Serenanator but when it comes to the final stages of the match where fitness is a factor, Serena has her younger adversary beat. Maria simply does not possess the skill set to deal with Serena. I don’t think she ever will. And also her biggest problem is trying to stay positive throughout the match. It is very difficult to do as she is constantly trying to figure out what kinda diet is Serena working on that day. Is she carb counting and thus handing out bagels and breadsticks sets or is she on a gluten free diet and feels more generous in allowing an extra game here or there. Look at any of the matches these two play. Serena is almost breaking Maria at will and dispensing baked goods to the Russian like a Pillsbury. However, I would admit that last match a week ago, Maria got to a tiebreaker. However, I think Serena was just trying to be generous..Happy New Year’s Gurl….Here’s a Christmas gift; a respectable scoreline.

Now why you had to go bring up my record against the Serenanator again for?

Anyway these two can only meet in the finals. Maria and Vickie are on the same half (bottom) of the draw and Serena has to contend with LiNaLi on her half (top). Will be interesting to see what the new year brings for Li and her Cheating Coach Carlos. Serena’s quarter is rather tricky as she has some ticklish players lurking about like Tsetvana Pironkova who just won her first WTA title beating Petra Kvitova GHW (she had penis on the brain) along the way. There is also the huge serving Eugenie Bouchard (30) of Canada, tenacious Jie Zheng, Ana Ivanovic (14) the Terrible and also Sara Errani (7) but really and truly we are not exactly counting her in the mix. Serena eats Sara for a light snack. There is also local home hopeful Sam Stosur who has beaten the American twice at the majors in key matches. However, Sam does not have a great record in her home country but she won several matches this past week so this might be a turn around for her.

Do we know which LiNaLi will be on court or will Carlos continue to signal to her telling her know who she should be?

LiNaLi (4) also has a tricky set of client with GHW Kvitova (6) aka Mistress Stepanek, Sabine Lisicki (15) who it seems is now working with Martina Hingis (I don’t know why this woman just won’t go away and stay there. Can’t she find more men to beat up? She really does not contribute much to game at this time. She is fighting so hard to be relevant but she barely has a point except on pencil. And she should just erase herself with the other end. She was a great student of the game but hardly is she selfless enough to be a decent teacher.) Carebear Kerber (9) is also around in these parts. I almost forgot to mention that resident veteran Venus Williams is also on board at this Open. She will open her campaign against crazy lefty Ekaterina Makarova (22) who has been known as a very dangerous floater. She has some good scalps in her career including Serena and 5th seed here Radwanska. So Makarova is not to be dismissed lightly.

You don’t worry about my draw and/or drawers okay. Just how I like it… easy, breezy

Sometimes when I look at Maria’s draw at majors, I often wonder if the committees are confused about the concept of “draw” It might be that they are thinking more “drawers” than “draw” because Maria always getting some easy sexy cute draws. There is absolutely no one of consequence in her section of the draw. Not one. You know who Maria is opening up against, Bethanie Mattek-Sands and one noted sports writer claimed Carlo Suarez-Navarro is the dark horse pick and figured she will get to the semis. I think he means, she is going to buy a ticket to watch the match. Most certainly she is not going to be winning 5 singles matches and earn her place. I mean seriously now? Dark Horse pick… This is more likely a Black Unicorn pick. So because of this it means that Jelena Jankovic aka Fivehead Jungle Witch (8) v Maria really going to be the big matchup of this section. I would rather vomit.

I hope you all didn’t forget about me now

Vickie has a relatively okay section with several of her favourite punching bags Slaone Stephens (13), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (10) and off course her best pigeon Agniezska Radwanska (5). Vickie couldn’t ask for a better route to the semis.

All in all I don’t think she is retaining her title this year. This is the Serenanator’s title for the taking.

FASHION FORWARD???

Serena gurl, you need to better cage that tiger of yours… I can see claws coming out…

Vee gurl… WTF with that weave…We need to hook you up….that front is a hotmess

Apparently LiNaLi moonlights as a clown after hours.

It is not great but it is not bad and for Maria, this is all good

This is very good from Sabine

Who knew the German was also a succubus?

Daniela showing all the itches how you step it up! Gorgeous! Giving them Farrah Fawcett hair tease realness!!! YES M’AM

Apparently, men and women went to different functions because David look like he just got off from practice. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Even with ugly New Balances, the ratty t-shirt and the buzz cut, this Spanish flame is still burning hot

US Open 2013: Day 9

2008 French Open Ana Ivanovic showed up to play

I am finally here at Day 9. Oh my, I thought I would never get here. There were some very interesting match ups on this day. First off, Vickie and Ana had to play their Round of 16 match. Now many of us do not have much faith in Ana Ivanovic as of late. Truth be told, she is known as Ivanovic the Terrible in these parts. However, Ana came out like a Trojan Horse in the first set; just filled with deadly surprises. She was on fire. Her forehand was clicking like the Ana of old and she was confident on the backhand. It was an amazing set of tennis from the Serb. Vickie did not have an answer to any of Ana’s questions out there. Soon the Serb had the 1^st set wrapped up 6-4. However, Ivanovic the Terrible would not be denied the chance to show herself on court and she came in the 2^nd set where the Belarusian quickly took the 2^nd set 6-3. In the 3^rd set, it was more competitive but Ana allowed herself to get down an early break and thus unable to recover from that. She broke Vickie as she initially served for the match. However, Ana could not hold it together to save break points on her serve thus unable to save her life in this match. Vickie dismissed her 4-6 6-3 6-4.

Then Ivanovic the Terrible showed up and it was a wrap after that

Vickie is quickly becoming a beast on tour. She even tried to come for Eva. You know Eva was not taking any business from her!

This is a shame because I do not think that Azarenka is playing great tennis to get this far. However, she is playing the big points very well. She will be facing Daniela Hantuchova in the quarters and the possibility of an Italian Pennetta/Vinci in the semis. What a Betty Crocker draw? It is not her fault anyway. For the past 2 years now, Petra Kvitova has been nowhere to be found. When Petra beat Azarenka at the end of the 2011 at the WTA year ending championships, I was so excited to see this matchup because I figured in 2012, they would be the one battling for majors. However, Petra thinks it more important to be off gallivanting behind Radek Stepanek’s @#$k instead of committing herself to serious tennis. In every press conference, she is offering up some piss poor excuse as to why she was thoroughly trashed by some lesser ranked player. We are tired of the excuses Petra. That match in 2011 was the last time Petra and Vickie faced each other. Vickie has yet to beat Petra as she is the ONLY leftie that Vickie cannot get past. Petra you need to get your life together.

Makarova trying for another upset at these championships

In the two ladies quarterfinals played, LiNaLi found that she was having a tough time getting past Ekaterina Makarova. Like I said, Makarova is a very dangerous floater. However, she could not get the job done thrice/twice. (The jury is still out as to whether the 24^th seed Makarova beating the 16th seed Sabine Lisicki earlier in the tournament actually counts as an upset). LiNaLi just got over the hurdle of taking the 1^st set 6-4 mainly because Makarova is not a good server. LiNaLi has some gifts and one of which is that she can be quite powerful off the groundstrokes on both sides. Makarova unfortunately did not have her pick of spots as she did against Radwanska and mostly found herself scrambling for position. However, she was able to take the 2^nd set 7-5.  Like Ana in the earlier match, Makarova got down early breaks in the 3^rd and decisive set, giving LiNaLi enough of a breathing space to right her often times wayward ship. She closed out the match 6-2 in the 3^rd set. This is LiNaLi’s first US Open semis and she will face none other than the Serenanator.

Yeah I am heading to the US Open semis

The Serenanator was on like a boiled corn in her match up against Carla Suarez-Navarro. It was the Spaniard’s birthday but she got no love nor present from the American unless you count two warm and toasty bagels. Suarez-Navarro failed to win a single game her in match going down 0-6 0-6. She is a good player but in this match, she simply failed to do anything of substance to make any sort of impression on the American game. It was not as though the Serenanator was playing superb tennis; she did not have to as Carla was just lackadaisical out there all night. Interestingly enough, this is Suarez-Navarro’s 3rd bagel set compliments Williams. She was bagelled in the 1st round of Doubles. Carlo boy, that is a lot of carbs. You need to slow down. Anyway Serena moves on to face LiNaLi. They met earlier this summer and the American came out the victor. Should be an interesting matchup though I expect the American to come out on top. However, anything can happen in sports. I just do not want Li to get to the finals and just fail again as she did against Azarenka in this year’s Open final. Also I am really not interested in seeing Carlos Rodriguez profiting in the least. I think he is just a vile man. He needs to go into retirement like his previous charge.

Happy Birthday chico! The 1st bagel is from me and the 2nd one compliments Venus

1	S. Williams	6	6
18	C. Suarez Navarro	0	0
5	N. Li	6	5	6
24	E. Makarova	4	7	2
2	V. Azarenka	4	6	6
13	A. Ivanovic	6	3	4

For me the best match of the day was a men’s match and that was the contest between Lleyton Hewitt and Mikhail Youzhny. It was a really good match. Both men are in their 30’s and I am very much surprised to have learnt that Youzhny is married with a son. WTF? How did I miss this? Hewitt is also married with two children. We all know how his lil story went…break Kimmie’s heart and moving onto Becky. Anyway, Youzhny won the 1^st set 6-3 and was up an early break in the 2^nd set. I was excited because I thought finally someone was going to knock this fool out of the Open. It is no secret in the least that I am not a fan of Hewitt. I know that he gets off on people hating him. However, I have to admire his gumption for sticking with this sport. From all estimation, he is like the bionic man at this point. He has metal in his knee if I am not mistaken. You would think he would humble himself and spend time with Becky/Beth or whatever her name is and the kids. He really irks me.

Hewitt only needs an inch and then suddenly, he a yard ahead

Anyway to the tennis, so Youzhny is up a set and a break and then he got Russian. You know how I feel about the stability of Russians and now that Vladimir Putin is on some “Gay Campaign” to rip all “gayness” from Russian society, my point about them is even stronger. Next thing you know, Hewitt has taken the 2^nd and 3^rd set with a 4-1 lead I think in the 4^th. Hewitt is close to getting to his 1^st US Open quarters since 2006. I was not liking this at all. However, Youzhny got his life together and stormed back to take the next 6 games which included taking the set 6-4 and an early break in the 5th.

Youzhny found it difficult to stay ahead against Hewitt

However, he could not consolidate the break and soon found himself down 2-5. Hewitt was on it again. I was really surprise that Youzhny was allowing Hewitt to dominate so easily seeing that Hewitt’s serve is pathetic compare to others on tour and he has to work a point over to win. He is barely able to dictate any of the points. None of his shots is seemingly big. Anyway, like I said before, Youzhny was not about to let this chance to get to another US Open quarters disappear and rallied to take the next 5 games as well the match. 6-3 3-6 6-7 6-4 7-5 Youzhny.

The Russian came back roaring in both the 4th and 5th sets

Granollers sitting down to let those 2 bagels digest

Meanwhile, Djoker treated Marcel Granollers as though he was a crunchy granola bar as he munched him down 6-3 6-0 6-0. Djoker is really playing well this tournament. However, I do not doubt his mental fortitude in the earlier rounds, it is his attitude against the very top that becomes problematic. His actions in the 2012 French Open and US Open finals as well 2013 French Open semis and then the Wimbledon final showed me that he cannot hang to the bitter end. He has been punking out of these big matches as of late in particular against Divadal. I cannot deal which such attitude because right about now, a Novak Djokovic 2013 US Open champ is the only thing left to save my US Open on the men’s side. Unless of course, Youzhny or Gasquet can win the whole thing. That would be just FANTASTIC!!! But RealzTenisFanz has to keeps it realz and Youzhny or Gasquet winning the US Open is as likely as me winning the lottery soon.

Istomin was on it early on in the match

Lochness Monster was hungry and so could not concentrate

The other two matches Murray v Denis Istomin was also interesting as the Uzbekistani took the 1^st set in a breaker having failed to serve it out at 5-4.  However, he wilted in the 2^nd set to lose it 1-6. In the 3^rd and 4^th sets, he was far more competitive but was able to get that crucial combo of a break and a hold in succession something Murray was able to do garnering him another trip to the US Open quarters. Murray 6-7 6-1 6-4 6-4. Wawrinka v Berdych was another good match up. I am not a fan of Berdych and I so enjoy seeing him self-destruct. Though he has been able to peg Mr. Federer at crucial points in his career (2004 Olympics and at two majors) However, Wawrinka was on it last night. He did not allow himself to get dismayed by Berdych winning the 1^st set 6-3. Berdych was hitting some monster balls. He was bludgeoning the ball and looked to be in impeccable form though those hideous shorts he was wearing, were killing me. Wawrinka came back roaring to take the 2^nd set 6-1 and despite being up 5-3 in the 3^rd set and again 6-5 with chances to serve for the set, he lost that lead. Nonetheless, the Swiss did not dwell in the negative space and took the 3^rd set in the breaker. In the 4^th set, Wawrinka shut the door promptly of any Berdych comeback when he took the last 4 games of the match. 3-6 6-1 7-6 6-2 Wawrinka.

Munching on humble pie is Berdych in those ridiculous looking shorts

Wawrinka showing good form thus far at these Championships. Soon he’ll be the number 1 Swiss player

So it will be Wawrinka v Murray and Djokovic v Youzhny in the top half men’s draw in the quarters.

3	A. Murray	6	6	6	6
	D. Istomin	7	1	4	4
5	T. Berdych	6	1	6	2
9	S. Wawrinka	3	6	8	6
1	N. Djokovic	6	6	6
	M. Granollers	3	0	0
21	M. Youzhny	6	3	6	6	7
	L. Hewitt	3	6	7	4	5

Double trouble and Double mess

I have no idea who he is but he gets some hottie points for sure

I have no idea who he is either

If Eva keeps fcuking with me, I’m gonna be all over @$$ with this racquet

I just want to tell you once again. I don’t like you. I don’t like your face, your hair and definitely don’t like you for my son.

Say what Judy?

Just smile itch…you better not say shite to Andy or else I am cutting that hair and sell it as weave to Serena. And you know I would!

Idina Menzel, we’re gonna have to say this outfit is just WICKED and you need to carted off this jail. WTF?? I would have avoided the cameras. Not cute

Why is she even in public?

He’s not even talking and I can still smell his foul breathe…. I can’t. Meanwhile, all the cute boys are behind me and I am stuck being the faghag with dragon breathe.

US Open 2013: Day 7

Lindsay and Martina getting prime seating for the chick fight on court between Serena and Sloane. I have to say Lindsay, Martina looks way better than you post retirement. Why? And don’t say kids.

The matchup of the day that everyone was talking about was the Sloane/Serena match up. For reasons already discussed in previous posting, this was the one they all wanted to see. The Serenanator lost to Sloane at a major and everyone feel that Sloane is one to really stand up to her fellow American and meet her toe to toe. I on the underhand do not see things in this manner. I think the press is making this to be way more than it is. The Serenanator is playing it smart and considerate by not playing into the media hype. The American media is famous for killing its own and the Serenanator is down playing every angle there is to play so as to avoid any extra controversy between the two. Tennis is the only thing that needs to be the focus.

ReRe we got your back! This itch tries anything funny out here, it is on and popping. Lyn got something special for her @$$ under the jacket if she says another word about you.

Anyway during the actual match, the Serenanator came out sharp though not in her usual blistering pace because truth be told Sloane can play. I saw Sloane back in 2009 if I am not mistaken when she was about 16 at the Madison Square Garden and to look at this player now is remarkable. She has improved quite well and will soon be in the top 10 I am sure and very well be contending for major titles. Anyway, the Serenanator showed her tennis prowess because at the end of the day, it is who wins the match that matters. 6-4 6-1 was the scoreline in favour of the more senior American.

Thank you Jehovah! I didn’t have to choke a itch out here today! Amen

Perhaps this is a lesson in humility for the younger American but at the end of the day, she should realize that the Serenanator is not her target nor should she be her focus. Sloane performed terribly at regular tournaments this year but seemingly made up for it at majors getting to at least the Round of 16 for all 4. Nonetheless, crucial points/experience could be had if she play those “smaller” tournaments better. Hopefully, she sees the value of this.

What had happened??

The other three Round of 16 match ups provided much drama and fanfare. First up, Carla Suarez-Navarro v Angelique Kerber. This was really a matchup of players I hardly care about. However, both have considerable talents and it is nice to see players like this do well at majors. Carla in particular though she is on my shit list for knocking out Venus at the 2009 Aussie Open, has a very nice one handed backhand. I am not trying to be a hater or mean here but it is just about the prettiest thing about her out on court. I do not understand why this girl is not more put together on the professional tour. She looks like a street urchin and her languid style/demeanour do not help matters. She comes across as a poor unfortunate orphan. Every time I see her, I want to just give her a hug. She could so do with some feminine touches. She really should not wear skirts as they are most unflattering. She could do well with some nice shorts and a nice pair of ladies tennis shoes and can someone from the Spanish Federation get this girl some braces. That overbite is way past over. She really need better deportment out on court. Anyway, she took out Kerber in 3 sets. Truth be told, she was playing the better brand of tennis throughout the match but Suarez-Navarro really was not aggressive in the early stages of the match. I suspect this is what has her circling the lower end of the top 20 rankings when she is good enough to be closer to the top 10.

This look is not okay…Spain needs to fix this situation pronto

The other two Round of 16 matches that were played were the real surprises of the day. LiNaLi took on Jelena Jankovic and to be honest, I expected it to be a close matchup; at the very least, it was bound to go to 3 sets. However, I was wrong, LiNaLi though looking very shaky, won quite comfortably in the end. China’s number 1 player knocked out the Serb 6-3 6-0. And JJ has been growing in confidence as of late and really trying to move up in the rankings. Though I am sure this result would help, it would definitely not improve her mindset about the game.

WTF?? I lost the match? Really? So quickly?

In the other matchup, Aga Radwanska took on Ekaterina Makarova. This match was hilarious. Funny thing was that in her first 3 matches, Radwanska had the 1^st match up. However, for her 4^th round encounter, she was the last scheduled match and because of longer matches, she was one of the last to take the court. Nonetheless, she had a most brilliant start. She was blistering the Russian. If you have ever seen Aga played, you would know that she capitalizes on her opponents’ errors. She moves the ball around the court has an almost infinite supply of shot selections. But she is not a power player and other than her deft touch, she does not have a killer shot. Therefore, the more skilled ladies such the Serenanator and Vickie munch on her like she is a rice cake. Anyway, we digress. Aga got out to a 4-0 led as though she had some place to be Sunday night and needed this match to be over.

I think some of the peroxide got into her brains and short circuited her it

However, Makarova got herself together. Makarova is very dangerous floater especially at the majors and Sunday night, she proved just how crafty she can be with that lefty swing. She literally reeled off 8 straight games against the Pole. It was though Makarova had hacked into Aga’s brain and corrupting every file. Makarova was on every ball. Aga did not know where to put her ball. She could not get a winner to save her life. Every lead that she had, quickly evaporated.  Therefore, that lead of 4-0 that she had soon became 4-6 0-2. She finally got her life together to take the next three games but again Makarova was back in her mainframe. Makarova would not let Aga breathe and she too came back to take the next three games. Aga was able to win another game to only be down 4-5 but that gave Makarova the chance to serve for the match and she certainly did not waste this opportunity. The 23^rd seed Russian just thoroughly dismissed the 3^rd seed 6-4 6-4.

I laugh at them when they say Radwanska can win a major

I know some people think that Aga deserves to win a major but I do not agree. Majors are not charity events and sports is not a religious institution. If you want to win something, you have to win it. Aga simply does not possess the game to progress far at the US Open. She might get lucky one day to get pass the 4^th round; something she has yet to do. However, I assure you her opponent will pick her off with ease and get ahead of her. She is very “crafty” but we are not playing country club tennis; this is the WTA and big hitters are the ones rising to the top.

5	N. Li	6	6
9	J. Jankovic	3	0
1	S. Williams	6	6
15	S. Stephens	4	1
8	C. Suarez-Navarro	4	6	7
18	A. Kerber	6	3	6
24	E. Makarova	6	6
3	A. Radwanska	4	4

Title defense in full effect

On the men’s side, Djoker and Murray had very easy time against their opponents. Murray took care of business in straight sets 7-6 6-2 6-2 over Florian Mayer whereas Djoker just trashed Jaoa Sousa 6-0 6-2 6-2. Sousa only won those last two games of the match because Djoker was in some sorta giving mood because that final set bagel was very much there for the toasting. Berdych, 2012 semifinalist here, also took care of his opponent in easy fashion. He knocked out the veteran Frenchman Benneteau in straight sets dropping just 5 games and buttered a nice warm bagel for Julian in the opening set 6-0 6-3 6-2. Lytton Hewitt continued his good fortunes at this year’s US Open as he made it to the Round of 16 with a victory over some unheard of Russian in 4 sets.

Thanks for showing up for practice. I really appreciate it

The day also had some very interesting men’s encounters. Swiss Stanislas Wawrinka who has for years trying to establish himself as a real contender and perhaps an heir apparent to the great Mr. Federer, knocked out the very enigmatic Marcos Baghdatis in 4 sets. Wawrinka gave himself a 2 sets lead but Baghdatis is a fighter and took the 3^rd in a tiebreaker. The 4^th set also proved to be a tough one but Wawrinka was able to pull that one also in a tiebreaker after failing to serve it out up 5-4. Wawrinka 6-3 6-2 6-7 7-6. Mikhail Youzhny of Russia had to contend with another veteran of the tour, Tommy Haas  but Youzhny has had good results here at the Open and looked to continue such fortunes. He took the first 2 sets before Haas came back in the 3^rd. However, in the end, Haas just did not have the legs to stand up against the Russian and bowed out in 4 sets. 6-3 6-2 2-6 6-3 Youzhny.

I can recommend this really great diet. I used it for myself

In the other two matches, it was a matter of pride per se. Tim Smyczek was fighting to be the lone American male to get into the 4^th Round of a major. All of his compatriots had been bounced and he needed this for his country. However, it was not to be. He had his chances but failed to capitalize. He dropped the 1^st set to Marcel Granollers 3-6 but took the next two in convincing fashion 6-4 6-0. However, I think he got a bit ahead of himself. I really wish male players would realize that being up 2-1 means that in the 4^th set, you have to put the pedal to the metal and take it in 4 sets. Putting yourself in a 5^th set situation gets far too complicated. Smyczek learned this lesson the hard way. Spanish players are grinders and they have stamina beyond belief as they all mostly learn to play the game on slow clay courts. Granollers snatched up that 4^th set 6-3 and despite Smyczek being up 4-1 in the 5^th set, he won only 1 more game as the Spaniard took the next 6 of 7 games to get to his 1^st Round of 16 at a major I think if not at the US Open. 6-4 4-6 0-6 6-3 7-5 Granollers. With Smyczek’s loss, it means that in 2013, NOT ONE AMERICAN MAN MADE IT PAST THE 3RD ROUND OF ANY OF THE MAJORS. NOT ONE. The USTA really needs to get their shite together. This is ridiculous.

Tim Symczek looking up the heavens for a game plan. None came

The last match was up Denis Istomin v Andreas Seppi. Seppi it seems loves to play 5 setters but this time, he was not able to get the upper hand. He was down 0-2 sets but took the 3^rd and 4^th sets with relative ease. However in the decisive set, he ran out of steam and Istomin just pounced handing him a breadstick. Istomin 6-3 6-4 2-6 3-6 6-1.

1	N. Djokovic	6	6	6
	J. Sousa	0	2	2
	T. Smyczek	4	6	6	3	5
	M. Granollers	6	4	0	6	7
12	T. Haas	3	2	6	3
21	M. Youzhny	6	6	2	6
	E. Donskoy	3	6	6	1
	L. Hewitt	6	7	3	6
20	A. Seppi	3	4	6	6	1
	D. Istomin	6	6	2	3	6
3	A. Murray	7	6	6
	F. Mayer	6	2	2
5	T. Berdych	6	6	6
31	J. Benneteau	0	3	2
9	S. Wawrinka	6	6	6	7
	M. Baghdatis	3	2	7	6

He might not look like he’s in shape but he sure is playing well shaped tennis

Next time you say shite about me, I will end your life. You best believe that that will be happening

I am dressed to kill

That’s right gurl, it is all about drinking champagne

Don’t they make a sweet couple

Two of the corniest people I don’t know. Andy Murray and Ben Stiller

Where do these twinks be coming from?

I thought Petra Kvitova got knocked out

US Open 2013: Day 5

US Open at Night is electric!!!

I am so sorry that this edition of the blog is kinda coming to you late very late. I really had to catch up on sleep. Typically, I am able to do some of the ground work for the postings during the day. However, because of “work related issues” I have to do everything in the evenings/nights. Anyway, I do sincerely apologize. I am really trying to do a complete coverage of this major. It seems like this year I am having no luck. Twice I have been offered tickets to the Open and twice I could not get to them. It is no big deal. The weather has been so inclement though play has not been delayed for several days now. However, when it rains at the stadium, it becomes a very hot/humid situation. Everyone is everywhere. And it is very expensive out there with the adult beverages being really good. It might not be a good look for me at all.

Poor Laura Robson was not having a good day

Anyway, let’s get to the tennis. On the ladies’ side of the draw, there was not much of an upset. It was a relatively quiet day. LiNaLi faced off against Laura Robson who knocked her out of last year’s Open. However, LiNaLi was not having deja-vu as she just dismantled the Briton. Laura was having a bad day at the office. Every lead she had was quickly surrendered and LiNaLi kept her wits about here and spanked her down to the ground 6-2 7-5.

I’m gonna take a drink for you Laura… cheers

Wimbledon finalist Sabine Lisicki also lost in straight sets 4-6 5-7 to Ekaterina Makarova who has also enjoyed an inexplicable win over the Serenanator (Aussie Open 2012). She is always good for at least one upset at the majors. She is a very dangerous floater and has that nasty lefty swing with a down the line shot that can be deadly. However, Makarova is a Russian, so you know how that goes. One minute they playing like tennis gods and the next, they are a mess from hell.

Bye itch… bye bye

Sloane Stephens won her match up against fellow American Jamie Hampton with relative ease 6-1 6-3 and will face now another American, the Serenanator. The Serenanator had to play the late late night match, taking the court just before midnight. She had a tough test from the Russian/Kazak Yaroslava Shvedova but the Serenanator hung tough 6-3 6-1 to move on.

Yes! I’m on it! I am definitely on it tonight!

Now, there has been much talk of the Sloane/Serenanator match up. Interestingly enough, they have only played twice. 1-1. The Serenanator’s lost came at the Aussie Open quarters after she had just beaten Sloane a couple of weeks prior in Brisbane (If I am not mistaken). In their 1st match up, Sloane stated that the Serenanator’s grunts were disrespectful. When she won, she spoke of how Serena is an idol/mentor etc to her. There was for me a moment in her post match fevour where Sloane seemed to have suddenly got way ahead of herself. She came off as a tad bit cocky…well cocky is not the word I want to use here but for me, she just same the wrong thing though I cannot recall exactly what she said. I think it was something to the effect of taking down Serena’s photo in her room and put up hers. I was like “Gurl, you have not arrived as yet. There is a lot more to go.” I chalked it up to post-big-win euphoria. However, things got very complimacated later in the year when in an interview, Sloane went all in on the Serenanator. She was like a manic woman on a mission to the looney bin because the interview was totally out of control.

Wait Sloane is trying to come for me??

“She’s not said one word to me, not spoken to me, not said hi, not looked my way, not been in the same room with me since I played her in Australia,” Stephens says emphatically. “And that should tell everyone something, how she went from saying all these nice things about me to unfollowing me on Twitter.” [Boo, Maria and Serena do not hang out in the same circles. I assure you of that. They do not hellos, byes or even the casual nods across the room from each other. I do not know who you think you are, Ms. Just Come on the Scene to warrant girlfriend status with the likes of the Serenanator]Her mom tries to slow her down, but Sloane is insistent. “Like, seriously! People should know. They think she’s so friendly and she’s so this and she’s so that — no, that’s not reality! You don’t unfollow someone on Twitter, delete them off of BlackBerry Messenger. I mean, what for? Why?” [Because I don’t have anything to say to you. You speaketh nonsense! Aint’ nobody got time for that!]

No she didn’t just say that!!!! She said all that? Gurl she went all in on Serena’s @$$

I guess this unfollowing happened after Serena twitted, “I made you” after the Australian Open match. I have to admit that this might have been directed at Sloane who was acting quite full of herself and failed to mention that she got dusted by Vickie in the next round. Serena was not a nice person she mentioned. Sweetie, I do not know which bylines you have been reading but no one thinks the Serenanator was valedictorian from Ms. Muffy’s Charm School. She related some ridiculous story of how at age 12, she waited with a group of young tennis fans to get autographs from Serena and Venus and in the end she did not get one despite them walking by her several times. She took this personal. Even her mother, as noted by the interviewer, was like “Gurl are you for real with this nonsense.” Sloane, I was up close and personal with Venus and Serena and they did not give me an autograph. GET OVER IT. Sloane did not stop there. She was going for the jugular. She disavowed any notion that she looked up the Serenanator and emphatically noted that Kim Clijster was her fav. (LOL oh Sloane gurl, you were really feeling yourself.)

Ooops I said all? Oh gawd I had verbal diarrhea!!

Now this is relatively old news. However, the press ran with this as I think there was a lot to the story in that one player was really calling out another. Moreover though, this Serena/Sloane drama is even more intensified by the fact of their age difference representing the past/present/future of women’s tennis, their being black and that they are the top 2 American females. It is a “black cat fight” and nothing the American press likes to see but black/black crime PLUS the added feature that it is two women going at it. They American press wants drama because in the end it is a win/win situation for them. Sloane win this match, “She is the future, She dethroned the reigning tennis queen, etc etc.” If Serena wins, they get to pull out the Serenanator monster/revenge headlines etc etc. This is for them a rivalry because the Serenanator/Maria or Serenanator/Vickie is really nothing to write home about. The Serenanator own them both. It should be noted that subsequent to Sloane’s lil rant, she backtracked and apologize for her behaviour. She and the Serenanator have squashed the incident but the press will not leave it alone.

Guess who showed up for a doubles match. Ms. Hingis but she got knocked out

Anyway, the other winners include, Carla Suarez-Navarro who is intent on making no attempts whatsoever to be girlish on court. Suarez Navarro knocked out Jie Zheng who had taken out Venus the previous round. Interestingly enough, Carla beat Venus in the 2nd round of a major as well in 2009 Australian Open. JJ aka Jelena Jankovic aka Fivehead Jungle Witch won as did Angelique Kerber, Aga Radwanska who has been getting some very very early matchups. She has played all of her matches 1st thing up on court.

1	S. Williams	6	6
	Y. Shvedova	3	1
23	J. Hampton	1	3
15	S. Stephens	6	6
	J. Zheng	2	4
18	C. Suarez-Navarro	6	6
3	A. Radwanska	6	7
	A. Pavlyuchenkova	4	6
24	E. Makarova	6	7
16	S. Lisicki	4	5
30	L. Robson	2	5
5	N. Li	6	7
25	K. Kanepi	0	4
8	A. Kerber	6	6
9	J. Jankovic	6	7
	K. Nara	4	6

Del Potro in the house!!! Looking for make another run to the US Open title

On the men’s side, things were also routine and that includes Juan Martin Del Potro just showing his ass on court. I swear, I expected bigger things from Del Potro but it seems he is determined to be a one hit wonder. He played Hewitt and after a slow start of dropping the 1st set, he smashed his way through to win the next 2. However, if you are familiar with Del Potro’s style of tennis, it is quite languid, lackadaisical and lovely all rolled into one. He can be deftly powerful and then do some of the dumbest things ever on court. For a huge man, he does not allow himself to be limited by any part of the game. Although, he has had recent niggles with that wrist of his, he can still acquit himself quite well. But against Hewitt, he just became a mess. He allowed Hewitt to get away with murder with that horrid serving of his. Hewitt barely makes 1st serves. In the end, Hewitt knocked off Del Potro and really put a monkey wrench in my US Open predictions. I mean I did not really make predictions but I mean Delpo was supposed to have bagged this match easily.

D for Del Potro… D for Disappointment

Anyway moving on from this mess of a match: other winners include Marcos Baghdatis, Wawrinka, Mikhail Youzhny who I must say has had some good results here, Tomas Berdych and of course the two giants, Andy Murray and Novak Djokovic. Like I said not much going on here except Delpo losing. I almost forgot that Tommy Haas won his match. However, check out the results below.

I am here to reclaim my US Open title and no one is going to stop me

1	N. Djokovic	7	6	6
	B. Becker	6	2	2
12	T. Haas	6	6	7
	Y. H Lu	3	4	6
	L. Hewitt	6	5	3	7	6
6	JM Del Potro	4	7	6	6	1
3	A. Murray	7	6	3	6
	L. Mayer	5	1	6	1
	D. Young	5	3	4
	F. Mayer	7	6	6
	D. Kudla	6	6	3
5	T. Berdych	7	7	6
	A. Dolgopolov	5	1	3
21	M. Youzhny	7	6	6
	J. Nieminen	6	3	6	3	4
	J. Sousa	1	6	3	6	6
	E. Donskoy	6	6	3	4	6
	P. Gokowczyk	3	4	6	6	3
	T. Kamke	4	2	2
	D. Istomin	6	6	6
	A. Bogomolov	6	6	6	4	4
	T. Smyczek	3	7	2	6	6
9	S. Wawrinka	7	7	6
	I. Karlovic	5	6	4
20	A. Seppi	7	6	7
	S.Dewarman	6	4	5
31	J. Benneteau	6	6	6
	J. Chardy	4	3	4
	M. Granollers	3	4	6	6	7
	R. Ram	6	6	2	3	5
	M. Baghdatis	6	6	6
17	K. Anderson	2	2	2

Hottie Daniel Evans coming out to practice

Hottness Denis Kudla

Colin Fleming….Very nice

Joao Sousa from Portugal… DELICIOUS with the scruff and all

Donald Young is always in agony. I think I know of relieving the pain Donald…

Dolgopolov is just a hot mess with that face… He really needs to get active with the ProActiv

I kid you not…Hewitt had the trainer come out on court to wipe his mouth… like WTF is that all about?

OMG did the trainer just come out to deal with his herpes??? That’s just NASTY….I’m so not playing mixed doubles with him

2013 Wimbledon Day 1

Please forgive me

Welcome my fanz. Let me apologize for not finishing up the French Open coverage by posting pieces on the semis and finals of the tournament. I mean what can I say, I was definitely over the French Open at that stage. The semis were all kinda lacklustre especially since Djoker came up limp against Divadal. He can be such a loser. Serenanator just simply dismantled Errani and surprisingly so did David Ferrer against Tsonga. Shriekapova had a tough time against Vickie but as per the norm, she can handle Vickie on the clay. Anyway, no surprise in the end, Divadal and the Serenanator won the singles titles and quite comfortably too; both in straight sets.

Divadal won his 8th French Open title

The Serenantor captured her 2nd French title and 16th major

There might be a lot to say about the French Open in the end but really and truly, I rather not because it will only be the same ole rhetoric especially on the men’s side. Very proud of David Ferrer for getting to a major finals. Particularly impressed that it was the French Open where he made his maiden final. And besides, I am so over the French.

Getting the grass ready

Anyway so Wimbledon 2013 is here and I guess this one will be marked my far more circumstances off the court than on the court. The lineup all remained the same with the usual suspects all in tow. Divadal is seeded 5th. Now everyone and their grandmother has been weighing in on this matter and many felt that the committee should have given Divadal a boost but really does it matter? This is Rafael “Freaking” Nadal we are talking about. He could destroy the field whether he is ranked 100 or 1. And with his 5th place seeding, he will not face any of the top guys till the quarters, in this draw it would be Mr. Federer. So I hardly see what the deal is with this. Furthermore, Divadal skipped like 7 months from the tour and lost last year in the 2nd round. WTF does he expect them to do, tell him to pick his place? Divadal should get to the quarters at the very least and it is not like he is afraid of Mr. Federer. The people talking about this are simply looking for something to talk about.

Enough about this silly talk about Divadal being seeded 5th

Anyway, on the women’s side, it is Serenanator and Shriekapova’s drama that is heating up the courts. Now much of it is hardly worth mentioning because it is clearly rumour mongers trying to stir up some trouble. The women’s game hardly needs fiction to stir things up but it seems that since the Serenanator has kept her nose clean since 2009/2011 US Open, people are still on her case looking for trouble by trying to tickle the dragon.

Wait we aren’t here to talk about my weave?? You’re joking right??

So the rumour is that the Serenanator was allegedly talking to Venus via telephone. In the other room (if I have the story correctly) was a reporter from the Rolling Stones  that was conducting an interview with the Serenanator. The reporter overheard a partial one-sided conversation and reported that the following was said by the Serenanator: “top-five player who is now in love … begins every interview with ‘I’m so happy. I’m so lucky’ — it’s so boring. She’s still not going to be invited to the cool parties. And, hey, if she wants to be with the guy with a black heart, go for it.” The reporter then noted that  an “educated guess” would surmised that ReRe is talking about Maria and Grigor. Supposedly, ReRe was going out with Grigor at one point albeit no one has noted when and where exactly this point was. I personally find this impossible to believe but stranger things have happened.

She can take this and run with it

Shriekapova in her press conference retorted with this bit when asked about the matter: “At the end of the day, we have a tremendous amount of respect for what we do on the court. I just think she should be talking about her accomplishments, her achievements, rather than everything else that’s just getting attention and controversy. If she wants to talk about something personal, maybe she should talk about her relationship and her boyfriend that was married and is getting a divorce and has kids. Talk about other things, but not draw attention to other things. She has so much in her life, many positives, and I think that’s what it should be about.”

Now again, there was no mention of Maria’s name in the conversation nor did the reporter ask Serena to clarify who she was talking about. Mainly because she was not talking to him. Nonetheless, he choose to report what is tantamount to be gossip. Anyway, the Serenanator apologized to Maria personally stating that assumptions were made on the matter and that she is sorry that Maria got brought into the situation inadvertently. Now before I go any further, I have to clear up that I am not Maria’s biggest fan but I do respect her tenacity on court. I am particularly keen on how she takes a beating from the Serenanator and come out every single match up as though she could really hurt the American. However, I just want to zero in on some key points of Maria’s speech. AGAIN let me be clear, there is NO evidence that Serena was talking about Maria. ZERO. Nonetheless, Maria chose to air Serena’s business out to the public as though she was spreading the gospel. But I am not even dealing with that one at this point.

Maria you cannot win this fight!

Maria said, ” At the end of the day, we have a tremendous amount of respect for what we do on the court. Gurl ain’t no one really respect your game on court okay. Let’s be clear on that.  I just think she should be talking about her accomplishments, her achievements, rather than everything else that’s just getting attention and controversy. Now if the Serenanator gets in the press conference and talk about how she be beating your @$$ all year long and not to mention over the past 9 years, you’d get real bad. She should talk about how you got destroyed in Miami; up a set and a break, 3-2 in the 2nd set, you lost 10 straight games. You wanna talk about that?? If she wants to talk about something personal, maybe she should talk about her relationship and her boyfriend that was married and is getting a divorce and has kids. Talk about other things, but not draw attention to other things. How about we talk about the fact that Grigor is more than likely an undercover brother and that he’s straight like spaghetti…when cooked. She has so much in her life, many positives, and I think that’s what it should be about.” She is very positive that she will be beating your @$$ next time she meets you on court. Apparently she was too generous with you at the French. Therefore next time it is business as usual. Buttered bagels and breadsticks. You have short term memory. You forgot 2012 Olympic final: 6-0 6-1. Gurl, get your life!

Vickie almost broke her knee

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. So let’s just get to the real meat of the matter. The Tennis:
Maria (3) won her match against a young up and coming Frenchwoman Mladenovic in straight sets 7-6 6-3. Mladenovic has a lot more to learn on tour though but she has a really good serve. 2nd seed Vickie won her match comfortably but in pain. She nearly “broke her knee” and her future in this tournament might be in jeopardy. She came back after the injury and in tears to take the match 6-1 6-2. It was so funny to watch my Twitter feed as people were losing their minds over how crazy Vickie’s opponent was. She was hitting the ball back to Vickie instead of trying to make her run from side to side. I know Bratzwanska must have been screaming with rage at the sight of Vickie calling out the trainer and then playing “fit as a fiddle” afterwards. Vickie and Bratzwanska use to be best friends but a similar incident happened in early 2012 that sent Aga B to be screaming in the press conference and thus ended a friendship. It certainly did not end her losing streak against Vickie though and I for one am happy for that.

Help! Help! I can’t get up

Anyway, other winners of the day on the ladies side include 12th seed Ana Ivanovic aka Ivanovic the Terrible who won over Razzano 7-6 6-0. Now I have to add her that I saw Ana’s “new look” and she is way too skinny. Ever since winning the 2008 French Open, she has been yo-yoing on her weight like Oprah back in the days. She is floating between anorexic and healthy if you ask me. Right now, she is definitely leaning towards the, “I need a cookie smothered with cream STAT!” Anywho, Kvitova aka GHW (8) struggled past American Coco Vandeweghe. Meanwhile, 5th seed Sara Errani got bounced in the 1st round by Puerto Rican, Monica Puig. Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit won her match in straight sets but I for one am not holding out hope that she is in good form and will make a decent run here at Wimbledon. Bartoli (15) and her countrywoman Cornet (29) also went through to the 2nd round as did Fivehead JungleWitch Jankovic (16) Lady Gollum Safarova (27), Sorana Cirstea (22), Flipkens (20), and Sloane Stephens (17) who won over fellow American Jaime Hampton. I think Hampton was exhausted after making it to her 1st WTA final last week in Eastbourne. She lost to Vesnina. Other winners of interest are Andrea Petkovic who received a wild card into the tournament, Bojana Jovanovski, American Christina McHale and Flavia Pennetta.

Dulko and hubby at their wedding

Oh yeah, if I am not mistaken, Pennetta’s former doubles partner, Gisela Dulko of Argentina recently gave birth to a baby recently. Apparently she retired from the tour and got married to an Argentine footballer. Good for her. And while we are on the subject of pregnancy. Look who is also expecting….

I know! I don’t even know where to file this bit of information

Anyway onto the men. There is little to be said that the news of the day was Divadal’s early round exit from the tournament. Divadal a 2 time champion and 5 time finalist got stick by Belgian Steven Darcis (You don’t pronounce the s thus Darsee) 7-6 7-6 6-4. Darcis played really remarkable and he held his own throughout. He was not about to let Divadal get away with murder. He had a one handed backhand which Divadal was treating with this same disdain and contempt that he holds for the Mr. Federer’s unemployed backhand. However, Darcis’ backhand was paying dividend as it was getting traction especially the slice backhand. Divadal could not deal and resorted to defending which was not helping much as he was always on the back foot and unable to create winning opportunities for himself. All in all, this lost should not come as any real surprise. Divadal had to have a let down at some point. He went off tour for 7 months but came back with a vengeance. He made the finals of all 8/9 tournaments he entered and only failing to win twice plus he retained his French Open crown for a record 8th win at a single major. WTF should his fanz be complaining about?

His head gone bad. Didn’t know what to do

Darcis stuck to the game plan: Get 2nd round prize money

Adios amigo

The ball children were so excited that Divadal is out. They no longer have to be behind him as he pick his drawers.

Anyway, Divadal was hardly the only men’s seed to fall out, 11th seed Stan Wawrinka lost to Hewitt in straight sets, 14th seed Janko Douchsaravic lost to fellow countryman Troicki, 30th seed Fognini lost to Jurgen Melzer. Divadal’s vanquisher from last year’s Wimbledon, Lukas Rosol lost in the 1st round too. Besides this, most of the usual suspect made it through to the 2nd round.(3) Mr. Federer 6-3 6-2 6-0 over Victor Hanescu, (2)Lochness Monster also in straight sets over Becker,  (10) Cilic is through as are (6) Tsonga, (24) Jerzy Janowicz, (18) BFG Isner, (25) Benoit Paire, (22) Juan Monaco and 32nd seed Tommy Robredo. Other notable winners were Ernest Gulbis and Dustin Brown of Germany/Jamaica.

Mr. Federer in supreme form

I would really like to know the hair products that Verdasco Tabasco puts into his hair

Meanwhile, I wish someone put some products in this one’s hair

As for Dustin Brown’s hair….no comment at this time

He definitely needs some products…more than likely Rogaine

I think Vickie is channeling Grace Jones today

My 5th head says there will be no rain today

Ana you are as thin as a sheet of paper

I don’t even want to see the rest of this picture because I know I would be scarred for life

Dude, Listerine! like seriously, don’t be breathing into my face…

Divadal, why is your hand by my ass??

Hopefully you made it all the way down here because I have a lil segment I wanted to interject into this First posting of Wimbledon 2013. So after all this Serena/Maria/Grigor bit, I decided to do a lil research and scour those places and speak to my sources to get you my Realz fanz the realz deal. So here’s the dealio.

Last year Shriekapova was dating some basketball player who left the NBA for Europe during lockout. They were engaged!

Then according to rumour, Shriekapova got dumped or dumped Sascha after he done did knocked up some girl

Anywho, at the Olympics it might be, Serenanator and Grigor struck up a friendship

And perhaps things got a lil carried away. I can hardly blame her. She had a lot of time on her hand seeing as she was dismantling the field but something went awry…

I think the Serenanator figured something was not on the straight and narrow so she let this one go

She allegedly went on to greener pastures

Oooo kay….

And Grigor and Maria found each other

Love they say… but ladies, never ever let your man and you leave the house and he looks better than you…. NEVER

Can you spot the invisible handbag like I can??

Need I say more about the matter of the man being better dressed than the lady

But then I stumbled upon these pictures…. Hmmm

Hmmmm

All right… I am not saying a word about this …. Gurl you need to slow your roll… I don’t get down like that

Don’t forget, it is only rumour if you spread it okay!!!