Wimbledon 2014: Day 5

My gurl is gone!

So RealzTenisFanz is late yet again. Oh my what a weekend! What a weekend. Realz is depressed! Wimbledon is giving me fever; typhoid and scarlet fever! I can’t; I just cannot deal with these results. I do not even have time for chit-chat about anything else but my gurl Ebony Starr lost. Oh fanz, you do not know how much I am emotionally connected to this gurl. Oh my the lost wrecked me for the weekend. Granny Vee (30) played Petra Kvitova (6) aka  Grand High Witch aka GHW. They played perhaps one of the best matches all year and my gurl last, 7-5 6-7 5-7. “[T]oday I did the best I could. I think she played well at every single moment. There weren’t a lot of opportunities for either one of us. She played well. I gave it my all. Sometimes it’s not enough … “Yeah, it’s a shame there had to be a loser in this match and more of a shame that it had to be me. But all I can say is that it’s great to see women’s tennis on such a high level.” Well I am glad that Granny Vee feels this way because I sure ain’t feeling all this. I was down; realz down. I really wanted Ebony Starr to do well here. I am happy that she did not lose badly but nevertheless, she lost.

It was rough gurl real rough

GHW working some magic on my gurl at the end breaking her in the 12th game

Realz still love you Granny Vee! Just get it together for the summer. We expecting titles this summer like back in 2000 and 2001

Something doesn’t smell right here … oh yeah it’s my game. It stinks to high heaven

And in other upsetting news, LiNaLi (2) lost yet again to a lower ranked player Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova 7-6 7-6. This was such a ridiculous match. I mean Li took the early lead and then totally collapsed. She was raining errors all over the place. I mean when she missed, she was missing badly. It was like she wanted to lose. Both she and Granny Vee had excellent draws and could have made something of it. However they are both gone now and fanz just have to bemoan their losses.

Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova

Meanwhile, do you know who is still in the draw? Bratzwanska (4), Mrs. Koolaide aka Simona Halep (3), Lady Gollum (23), Makarova (22) and even Danish Biscuit (16). They all won their matches and moved through to the next round. Wait, because of rain, Danish Biscuit, Mrs. Koolaide and up and coming Belinda Bencic who beat Victoria Duval from the US, all played their 2^nd round matches on Friday. The other winners include Shuai Peng who beat another American Lauren Davis and another Czech Tereza Smitkova. That makes 4 Czech women in the Round of 16 more so than any other country. Even more so than the US who currently is batting ZERO. Their last hope is Madison Keys who is currently in battle with Yaroslava Shvedova. Keys already dropped the first set and they are locked in a tiebreaker in the 2^nd set. Play was suspended due to poor lighting. Meanwhile, I have to say that both Danish Biscuit and Bratzwanska are dropping bagels and breadsticks sets on their opponents like opponents like they are daughters of Betty Crocker and the Pillsbury Dough Man. Those girls have been ruthless thus far.

Realz you trying to act as though it our fault that your peoples suck adn we don’t . No Makarova, I am just saying that I don’t like you folks especially when my peeps not around… kidding gurl.. you look like you about to have a coronary. Take a joke! That vein about to pop

On the men’s side, well Djoker Harlequeen has made getting to the 2^nd week of Wimbledon look like hard work. Gurl has been messy. I mean she has won relatively routinely but she is giving a lot of these scrubs looks at breaking him. A lot of them even thinking that they can even get the upset; this is not cute. I mean seriously, he is the only one capable of dealing with Divadal and lord knows he made a mess of it. I mean he has been rolling through and getting the wins but still, gurl needs to look a lot sharper if he intends to win his 2^nd Wimbledon. He took out Gilles Simon 6-4 6-2 6-4.

He almost damaged his shoulder. But he’s okay

Meanwhile, you know how is looking in great shape? Lochness Monster (3)! He is just dragging these boys out here lately. He got out Roberto Bautista-Agut (27) 6-2 6-3 6-2. Nevertheless, this is all good and cute but Bautista-Agut is not the Spaniard he needs to be beating like this … You get what I am saying? I mean seriously, everyone be trying to drag the Spanish boys except the one Spaniard at the top.

Thanks for showing up at my party. A gift bag is at the door on your way out

Anyways, Maria’s clutch Dimitrov (11) came back from being down 1-2 sets and knocked out BWLLAGWLLAB (Boy Who Looks Like A Girl Who Looks Like A Boy) Dolgopolov (21). BWLLAGWLLAB was up but he decided to let the match go and totally capitulated in the 5^th set 6-7 6-4 2-6 6-4 6-1. Anyway, Dimitrov is supposedly the “dark horse” in this competition. Yeah okay! I mean I seriously doubt one of these scrubs is going to pull a “Stan” at Wimbledon. Other winners include Baby Ali (14) and Chin Cilic (26) who beat Berdshite (6) in straight sets. Chin Cilic played an excellent match. I swear Berdshite is bird brain. He is so passive in big matches. Meanwhile, Sergiy Stakhovsky who beat Gulbis in the 2^nd round, well he did the same nonsense by losing in the next round in the 4 sets to Jeremy Chardy. Mr. Pignini (16) aka Fognini is gone as Kevin Anderson (20) took him to the slaughter house.

I thought I was playing on the ATP

Gurl what you saying about me?

There were several 2^nd round matches that had to be completed. Marcel Granollers (30) lost to Santiago Giraldo who for his winning efforts will play Mr. Federer in the 3^rd round. Leonardo Mayers beat Andrey Kuznetsov in straight sets. Meanwhile, Jerzy Janowicz (15) took out Hewitt in 5 sets.

Divadal this is how to work an injury on court … First you fall

Then you are in real pain

Where does it hurt? Right now, my nose. Your breath stinks

Definitely abs day at the gym!!

Definitely working on my abs

Hush my baby. It’s okay sweetie. It is only one loss, I will make you feel better tonight

TSONGA ON COURT DANCE MOVES

First up in the air

Try for the splits but if you can’t try a wolf jump type (gymnastic move)

Then one hand in the air

The the other

Then you shake that thing that your mama gave you

The best I have seen Caro aka Danish Biscuit look in like forever

I think my moobs are bigger than her boobs

Wimbledon 2014 Preview I: The Men’s Draw

You know Realz always ignore the rules

So RealzTenisFanz is finally back on the blogosphere. Currently I am “enjoying” this unemployment status. (Won’t someone hire me and pay me good money?) It is just a brutal affair right now. I might have to start turning tricks and sad to say, I am not a kid. Anyway, let me apologize for not making a single entry for the French Open 2014. I had intentions to do so the entire time. However, I ended up being extremely busy with another gig http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/ Feel free to comment there also as well as here. Now this Hackshaw dude is a lot different from Realz in that he is not as haterrific but I guess one has to be versatile in order to make it to the top or in my case, stay at the bottom.

There not one thing about this picture that makes me happy! Nada! Rien! Nyet! “Hey gurl ReRe, we miss you!” Meanwhile, man in the middle: “That look when you trying to touch the pretty lady’s ass and the man on the other side reaching for yours”

Anywho I am digressing. What can I say about the 2014 French Open? I mean Divadal won his 9^th title and 5^th in a row and Shriekapova won her 2^nd. Now you think I was a happy camper? Nope not in the least! It was as horrid as back in 2012 when there was a similar result.  So here we are 3 weeks later at Wimbledon. By the way, there is talk that next year, there would be a longer grass court season. That would be interesting because as it stands now, there are about 7 tournaments between the men and women (4 for men and 3 for women) and they are mostly going on simultaneously. I think they can do better than this for sure. Most of the top players skipped them and those who showed up with the exception of Mr. Federer, they all lost early.

The Wimbledon Trophies

So let us discuss the draw. On the men’s side, Wimbledon committee chose to this year play around with the seedings for the men. Presumably this was to deal with Andy Murray’s 5^th place ranking. He is the defending champion so the Wimbledon feels that if he is outside of the top 4, he is likely to get into trouble. I mean he lost to Radek Stepanek at Queen’s Club in the 3^rd round. I don’t know who they think they’re protecting because at Wimbledon, the trouble comes not from the “big boys” but from the scrubs lurking about the place. Anyway, Wimbledon did some hocus pocus Hogwarthian magic with the ranking not just for Lochness Monster but for some other players. I have highlighted the crazy “fixing” by the All-England Club. Do note that Juan Martin Del-Potro aka Beast Boy who is ranked 8^th in the world and 27th ranked Nicolas Almagro are not playing so that means everyone below them should only move up one spot. However, Wimbledon School of Magical Farts and Wigotry worked with a “New Math” principles in mind. There are so much to say on the subject but I can’t right now… I am trying to finish this and go for a run…I have to tell you people that the two weeks of major tournament be messing up my gym/run/sleep schedule. I cannot deal. This is summer time and I cannot be gaining weight…. No one is checking for bears these days and Bears are only the interest of Goldilocks if you know what I mean. Anyway, though this seeding business is bullshit, it hardly matters. It is very unlikely that someone other than Djoker, Divadal, Mr. Federer or Lochness Monster will be in the final to take the crown. However, on a matter of principle, it is not okay. Those players who got shafted worked really hard for their rankings and then Wimbledon decides that they are not worthy of it. Meanwhile, the women stayed the same!

Professor Wiggle Wimbledon mucking around with the men’s seeds. Changopresto!

Player	Wimbledon Seed	Actual Ranking
Djoker (Novak Djokovic)	1	2
Divadal (Rafael Nadal)	2	1
Lochness Monster (Andy Murray)	3	5
Mr. Federer (Roger Federer)	4	4
Stan the Man (Stan Wawrinka)	5	3
Berdshite/Lurch (Tomas Berdych)	6	6
Fake Fire Ferrer (David Ferrer)	7	7
Dennis the Menace (Milos Raonic)	8	9
Big Friendly Giant aka BFG (John Isner)	9	11
Kei Nishikori	10	12
Sharapova’s Bulgarian clutch (Grigor Dimitrov)	11	13
Ernests Gulbis	12	10
Richard Gasquet	13	14
Baby Ali (Jo-Wilfried Tsonga)	14	17
Jerzy Janowicz	15	24
Mr. Piggy (Fabio Fognini)	16	15
Mikhail Youzhny	17	16
Tabasco Verdasco (Fernando Verdasco)	18	23
FeFe Lopez (Feliciano Lopez)	19	25
Kevin Anderson	20	18
BWLLAGWLLAB (Alexandr Dolgopolov)	21	19
Philipp Kohlschreiber	22	27
Tommy Robredo	23	22
Beetlejuice (Gael Monfils)	24	21
Andreas Seppi	25	34
Chin Cilic (Marin Cilic)	26	29
Roberto Bautista Agut	27	28
Guillermo Garcia-Lopez	28	31
Ivo Karlovic	29	33
Marcel Granollers	30	30
Vasek Pospisil	31	35
Dmitry Tursunov	32	32

I am going to divide the men’s draw into halves and then quarters. I will discuss the players in each section, labelling each section based on the top seeds. I will highlight the various potential matchups and key matches to watch. I am not making predictions because you know how that goes. All I can say as always, I want Mr. Federer to win. That will never change.

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Djoker (1) v Berdshite (6)

Djoker is looking for another Wimbledon crown

Djoker (2011 Champion) opens his campaign for a 2^nd Wimbledon crown against Andrey Golubev. He has a potential 2^nd round match up against Shark Boy Stepanek. However, knowing how Shark Boy loves to play 5 set matches in majors, Djoker will be fresh and ready to crush him.  There is also a potential class between Djoker and Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Baby Ali (14) in the Round of 16. Now we all remember that beat down Baby Ali got recently in Paris by the hands of Djoker. I am sure Baby Ali would be looking for revenge. I am not sure how much he would be able to exact because Djoker is hungry to win a major this year. He has come up short twice already and he is not feeling that at all.

Baby Ali has a winning smile but that will not help him at the All-England Club

On the other side of this quarter lies Berdshite who has made the final here in 2010. He has all the attributes to be an excellent grass court player other than the fact that he is a Neanderthal’s brain. Berdshite has to get pass Marin Chin Cilic (26) in the 3^rd round and then face in the Round of 16 the winner of the Ernests Gulbis (12) v Tabasco Verdasco (18) 3^rd round match. There was some HUGE HITTERS in this section of the draw. Would be very interesting to see what happens here.

Quarter 2: Lochness Monster (3) v Fake Fiery Ferrer (7)
Lochness Monster is the defending champion and he comes into this Wimbledon with a female coach, 2006 champion Amelie Mauresmo. This is a huge headline in and of itself. I must admit that initial when this talk of their partnership was a rumour, I did not think it would happen. However, when it was in fact finalized, I really have no issue with it. I mean a coach is someone telling you what to do. It is not like the coach needs to be of a specific gender or of a certain calibre former player. I know a lot of guys have a lot of bullshit to say. However, I think this is a good partnership and more than likely Amelie will stop Lochness Monster from giving those monster faces all the time on court. He will be force to act more like an adult than a sullen child. Anyway, he has a really easy draw. He got a scrub, David Goffin in the 1^st round and then possible a Spaniard clay court specialist though he just won a grass court tournament in Holland, Roberto Bautista-Agut (27) in the 3^rd round or Mr. Piggy, Fabio Fognini (16) or Kevin Anderson (20) in the 4^th round. I do not know when is Lochness Monster’s birthday but he can consider this a birthday/Christmas gift all rolled up in one.

Lochness Monster is giving me FACE!!

Now listen to me, you have to play the one-handed slice backhand… Can you do that for me? It worked against Henin.

On the other end is Grigor Dimitrov (11) aka Shriekapova’s Bulgarian handbag who opens against American Ryan Harrison. Rising star, Austria’s Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem is a potential 2^nd round opponent for the clutch purse. This should be a good match up but I think Grigor will come through. It would be a very good looking match nonetheless. I think Ferrer who is on the bottom of this section should come through for at least the Round of 16. There is a matchup of some interest here when Dustin Brown who inexplicably defeated Divadal in Halle couple of weeks ago. “Dreddy Tennis” as he calls himself, will play against Marcos Fatdatis in the 1^st round. I would like to see how this one turns out.

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Mr. Federer (4) v Stan the Man (5)

Live Fast? Just don’t die quick out there. Last year you punked out in the 2nd round much to my horror. I can’t deal with these kinda dismal results at all this year

Hopefully that is a rising sun and not a setting one… Because your career seems to be near dusk right about now

Mr. Federer (4) the 7^th time champion is looking for his 8^th title here. He faces a bothersome Frenchman Julien Benneteau in the 2^nd round and then possibly Dingo Dog Hewitt or 2013 semifinalist Jerzy Janowicz (15) or Tommy Robredo (23) in the 4^th round. Stan the Man (5) has not done well on grass here but still he deserves his ranking of 3 in the world. Anyway, he will have a tough time getting out of this part of the draw. Not only is Mr. Federer a possible quarterfinal opponent but he could face either Denis Istomin or Dmitry Tursunov (32) in the 3^rd round and then Alejandro Falla and FeFe Lopez (19) in the 4^th round. A good match that might be featured is FeFe Lopez v BFG Isner (9). However, Isner is not known for his grass court prowess. I mean he has never got past the 2^nd round EVER here at Wimbledon. So Lopez might be able to sneak into the quarters.

Stan the Man at least the back of him gossiping with Maria’s clutch, Grigor

Quarter 4: Divadal (2) v Dennis the Menace Raonic (8)
Dennis the Menace should make the quarters here though it would be a nice matchup between him and Kei Nishikori (10) in the Round of 16. There is also the match of Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) v Nishikori in the 3^rd round that should be worthy of attention.

Kei gurl… oh no… this is not acceptable. Here I thought you were cute until you smiled. No no no… I’m gonna need you to do better! Definitely, you looking like Charley Horse with that smile

Dennis the Menace is thinking about doing some damage here at Wimbledon with that lethal 1st serve!

Now a lot of people have picked Divadal to win the title. I am not sure why considering his recent record on grass. However, this is Divadal and you know how he and his “magical body” do operate. So he really stands a good chance to win. Anyway, he may have to deal with Lukas Rosol again in the 2^nd round and possibly Ivo Karlovic (29) in the 3^rd round. If he can get past that, there is the fickle Frenchmen of Richard Gasquet (13) and Beetlejuice (24) in the Round of 16. A lot of people feel that this is a “Draw of Death” of Divadal but seriously, this is Divadal we are talking about. I hope he loses but I do not expect that to happen at all. He has the potential of really extending his lead as the number one player since he won no points here last year when he was defeated in the 1^st round by Steve Darcis. Djoker on the other hand got to the final.

Divadal getting his Wimbledon practice in

However, before he got to Wimbledon on his boat relaxing with “friend”. I don’t see Xisca there about. My eyes aren’t that good. Let me know if you see her. “Realz I know you send these paparazzi for me! Leave me alone!!”

This is from last year around this time

Another recent vacay… Gurl let me rub some oil on your back.

Who knew Divadal like them “thickems” Apparently not only Goldilocks checking for bears and cubs

Mr. Federer getting a nice send off from being the President of the Player’s Council! He got babies at home to take care oh. He ain’t got no time for politics. Those shoes Mr. Federer is wearing, Loro Piana. And those “simple loafers” cost at least $800USD. I wonder if he wants to adopt me

I mean look at this line up.. I mean where do I begin… or should I say who do I begin with? We can leave off Anderson (in the flip flops). Have to be a very drunk night.

I think I am hurt myself

Yeah I can see that right there on your ankle. You might want to get up and get some help. We’re busy out here right now..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 1

Let me in!! Let me in!!

Now that Day 1 is over, I do not think that any of the results came as a HUGE surprise. I mean there were upsets and of course disappointments but all in all, the results mostly reflected what has been trending for a while.

On the ladies, side, the Serenanator (1) wasted little time dispatching her Aussie opponent as she in barely an hour, took the match 6-2 6-1. Ashleigh Barty had some good shots here and there but it was not enough to stop the American.

I know you are ready for your opponents ReRe but I am not ready for this outfit! BURN IT!!!

LiNaLi (4) also looked impressive as she dumped her opponent 6-2 6-0. The 9th seed, Kerber had a lil problem with Jarmila Gajdosova but came through in 3 sets 6-3 0-6 6-2. Ivanovic the Terrible (14) came through comfortably in straight sets as did Sabine Lisicki (15) Monica Niculescu, Tsetvana Pironkova, Moaning Mona Barthel, Yanina Wickmayer and Monica Puig. 18th seed Kristen Flipkens took out British Laura Robson 6-3 6-0. Robson needs to get her life together if she wants to make a decent living on the tour and not be another Anne Keothavong. Meanwhile, Robson’s countrywoman Heather Watson also lost though she made her match a bit more competitive v Daniela Hanthucova (31) 5-7 6-3 3-6.

LiNaLi showing off that sliced backhand

Some interesting results on the ladies side…. Well first off you know I am smarting because Venus Williams set me up again!! I can’t with this woman. She was bossing Ekaterina Makarova (22) around for a set and a half 6-2 4-4 but all of sudden, Venus double faulted 3 times in a row to hand the game and basically the set to Makarova. In the 3rd set, Venus was up 3-0! Then she lost the next 6 of 7 games. I was beside myself. She was playing so well. The groundstrokes were popping and she was moving forward. However, she just decided to hurt my feelings and mess up my entire evening. Makarova moves to the 2nd round having taken out another Williams Sister 2-6 6-4 6-4.

Venus angst!!!

Makarova is making it a habit of taking out Williamses in Australia

There were several other interesting results: Like I said of Petra Kvitova, she is going into fast decline and that showed up in her lost to Luksika Kimkhum (I wish I were making up this name). Kvitova (6) got bounced 2-6 6-1 6-4 to some unknown Thai player. She was not the only top seed to said bye bye to Melbourne, the doubles team of Roberta Vinci (12) and Sara Errani (7) were both dismissed from the singles event. Vinci going down in straights to former semifinalist Jie Zheng and Errani leaving thanks to Julia Goerges.

Wearing pepto bismal pink, playing like diarrhea, game and ranking slipping and dating Stepanek. Yes, Stepanek curse in full effect

I see boobs but I am not sure… this is very feMALE indeed

Of course I was very excited when I saw the draw and it was Kvitova I was playing. She is still dating Stepanek right? So I knew I had more than a shot! I had a winning shot

I should also mention that Stosur avenged her recent lost to Klara Zakopalova by beating her in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Also Granny Goodness Date-Krumm lost to perhaps the youngest girl in the field Belinda Bencic of Switzerland in straight sets.

Thank you very much for coming. Nice warm up

On the men’s side, things were more routine. Ferrer (3) and Djoker Harlequeen (2) wasted no time getting rid of their opponents in straight sets. There is no point in sticking around on court for more time than you need to. Stan Wawrinka (8) got even less time when his opponent reitred in the 2nd set. Fabio Fognini (15) also benefitted from a retirement when Alex Bogomolov went out injured. Bershite (7) also is through in straight sets as well as Richard Gasquet (9), Mikhail Youzhny (14), Jeremy Chardy (29) and Dmitri Tursanov (30).

Oh wait she is not one of the guys…

Jerzy Janowicz (20) perhaps love work because he was out there for 5 sets for no apparent reason but he is through to the 2nd round. Other 5 set winners include Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19) Julian Benneteau and Nikolay Davydenko.

Glittering Gulbis

Munchable Monaco

23rd seed Ernest Gulbis beat Juan Monaco in 4 sets. This is a sad result because they are both such PHYNE specimen but Monaco has not been so well since the break up with a certain top Diva. That Gulbis is even seeded and Monaco is not, shows how much the Argentine is hurting from that dismissal. Marcos Baghdatis, known for his on court heroics, had a major fail in front of this very Cypriot crowd when Uzbekistani Denis Istomin knocked him out in straight sets and did so in fine style. Ivan Dodig (32) knocked out monster server Ivo Karlovic in straight sets also.

Divadal was only fcuking with your head. You know that. Realz loves you not Divadal!

Tomorrow, both bottom halves will be playing and we are set to see Divadal, Mr. Federer, Lochness Monster, Baby Ali, Beetlejuice, Vickie, Fivehead Jungle Witch, Bratzwanska and Shriekapova all on court.

Let us take a break and just watch

Don’t forget to spread the word about REALZTENISFANZ!!!

Venus I do not even know what to say about this head!!! ratchet!!

Robson you look like someone’s runaway bridesmaid. WTF is this dress about??

I need to get me a sip of Andreas Seppi indeed

Oh Patty Rafter… you’re turning into Fatty Rafter these days

Spanish Armada!!… At least part of the fleet

I am best amongst my fellow menz

Did someone fart?? I am smelling shite….Oh Hey Tomic…..

So you gonna come by my room later right. I will leave the door open

Mister, I can see your penis and that’s not okay at this time

They say I was going to get groupies but I didn’t want these old bitches..

US Open 2013: Day 5

US Open at Night is electric!!!

I am so sorry that this edition of the blog is kinda coming to you late very late. I really had to catch up on sleep. Typically, I am able to do some of the ground work for the postings during the day. However, because of “work related issues” I have to do everything in the evenings/nights. Anyway, I do sincerely apologize. I am really trying to do a complete coverage of this major. It seems like this year I am having no luck. Twice I have been offered tickets to the Open and twice I could not get to them. It is no big deal. The weather has been so inclement though play has not been delayed for several days now. However, when it rains at the stadium, it becomes a very hot/humid situation. Everyone is everywhere. And it is very expensive out there with the adult beverages being really good. It might not be a good look for me at all.

Poor Laura Robson was not having a good day

Anyway, let’s get to the tennis. On the ladies’ side of the draw, there was not much of an upset. It was a relatively quiet day. LiNaLi faced off against Laura Robson who knocked her out of last year’s Open. However, LiNaLi was not having deja-vu as she just dismantled the Briton. Laura was having a bad day at the office. Every lead she had was quickly surrendered and LiNaLi kept her wits about here and spanked her down to the ground 6-2 7-5.

I’m gonna take a drink for you Laura… cheers

Wimbledon finalist Sabine Lisicki also lost in straight sets 4-6 5-7 to Ekaterina Makarova who has also enjoyed an inexplicable win over the Serenanator (Aussie Open 2012). She is always good for at least one upset at the majors. She is a very dangerous floater and has that nasty lefty swing with a down the line shot that can be deadly. However, Makarova is a Russian, so you know how that goes. One minute they playing like tennis gods and the next, they are a mess from hell.

Bye itch… bye bye

Sloane Stephens won her match up against fellow American Jamie Hampton with relative ease 6-1 6-3 and will face now another American, the Serenanator. The Serenanator had to play the late late night match, taking the court just before midnight. She had a tough test from the Russian/Kazak Yaroslava Shvedova but the Serenanator hung tough 6-3 6-1 to move on.

Yes! I’m on it! I am definitely on it tonight!

Now, there has been much talk of the Sloane/Serenanator match up. Interestingly enough, they have only played twice. 1-1. The Serenanator’s lost came at the Aussie Open quarters after she had just beaten Sloane a couple of weeks prior in Brisbane (If I am not mistaken). In their 1st match up, Sloane stated that the Serenanator’s grunts were disrespectful. When she won, she spoke of how Serena is an idol/mentor etc to her. There was for me a moment in her post match fevour where Sloane seemed to have suddenly got way ahead of herself. She came off as a tad bit cocky…well cocky is not the word I want to use here but for me, she just same the wrong thing though I cannot recall exactly what she said. I think it was something to the effect of taking down Serena’s photo in her room and put up hers. I was like “Gurl, you have not arrived as yet. There is a lot more to go.” I chalked it up to post-big-win euphoria. However, things got very complimacated later in the year when in an interview, Sloane went all in on the Serenanator. She was like a manic woman on a mission to the looney bin because the interview was totally out of control.

Wait Sloane is trying to come for me??

“She’s not said one word to me, not spoken to me, not said hi, not looked my way, not been in the same room with me since I played her in Australia,” Stephens says emphatically. “And that should tell everyone something, how she went from saying all these nice things about me to unfollowing me on Twitter.” [Boo, Maria and Serena do not hang out in the same circles. I assure you of that. They do not hellos, byes or even the casual nods across the room from each other. I do not know who you think you are, Ms. Just Come on the Scene to warrant girlfriend status with the likes of the Serenanator]Her mom tries to slow her down, but Sloane is insistent. “Like, seriously! People should know. They think she’s so friendly and she’s so this and she’s so that — no, that’s not reality! You don’t unfollow someone on Twitter, delete them off of BlackBerry Messenger. I mean, what for? Why?” [Because I don’t have anything to say to you. You speaketh nonsense! Aint’ nobody got time for that!]

No she didn’t just say that!!!! She said all that? Gurl she went all in on Serena’s @$$

I guess this unfollowing happened after Serena twitted, “I made you” after the Australian Open match. I have to admit that this might have been directed at Sloane who was acting quite full of herself and failed to mention that she got dusted by Vickie in the next round. Serena was not a nice person she mentioned. Sweetie, I do not know which bylines you have been reading but no one thinks the Serenanator was valedictorian from Ms. Muffy’s Charm School. She related some ridiculous story of how at age 12, she waited with a group of young tennis fans to get autographs from Serena and Venus and in the end she did not get one despite them walking by her several times. She took this personal. Even her mother, as noted by the interviewer, was like “Gurl are you for real with this nonsense.” Sloane, I was up close and personal with Venus and Serena and they did not give me an autograph. GET OVER IT. Sloane did not stop there. She was going for the jugular. She disavowed any notion that she looked up the Serenanator and emphatically noted that Kim Clijster was her fav. (LOL oh Sloane gurl, you were really feeling yourself.)

Ooops I said all? Oh gawd I had verbal diarrhea!!

Now this is relatively old news. However, the press ran with this as I think there was a lot to the story in that one player was really calling out another. Moreover though, this Serena/Sloane drama is even more intensified by the fact of their age difference representing the past/present/future of women’s tennis, their being black and that they are the top 2 American females. It is a “black cat fight” and nothing the American press likes to see but black/black crime PLUS the added feature that it is two women going at it. They American press wants drama because in the end it is a win/win situation for them. Sloane win this match, “She is the future, She dethroned the reigning tennis queen, etc etc.” If Serena wins, they get to pull out the Serenanator monster/revenge headlines etc etc. This is for them a rivalry because the Serenanator/Maria or Serenanator/Vickie is really nothing to write home about. The Serenanator own them both. It should be noted that subsequent to Sloane’s lil rant, she backtracked and apologize for her behaviour. She and the Serenanator have squashed the incident but the press will not leave it alone.

Guess who showed up for a doubles match. Ms. Hingis but she got knocked out

Anyway, the other winners include, Carla Suarez-Navarro who is intent on making no attempts whatsoever to be girlish on court. Suarez Navarro knocked out Jie Zheng who had taken out Venus the previous round. Interestingly enough, Carla beat Venus in the 2nd round of a major as well in 2009 Australian Open. JJ aka Jelena Jankovic aka Fivehead Jungle Witch won as did Angelique Kerber, Aga Radwanska who has been getting some very very early matchups. She has played all of her matches 1st thing up on court.

1	S. Williams	6	6
	Y. Shvedova	3	1
23	J. Hampton	1	3
15	S. Stephens	6	6
	J. Zheng	2	4
18	C. Suarez-Navarro	6	6
3	A. Radwanska	6	7
	A. Pavlyuchenkova	4	6
24	E. Makarova	6	7
16	S. Lisicki	4	5
30	L. Robson	2	5
5	N. Li	6	7
25	K. Kanepi	0	4
8	A. Kerber	6	6
9	J. Jankovic	6	7
	K. Nara	4	6

Del Potro in the house!!! Looking for make another run to the US Open title

On the men’s side, things were also routine and that includes Juan Martin Del Potro just showing his ass on court. I swear, I expected bigger things from Del Potro but it seems he is determined to be a one hit wonder. He played Hewitt and after a slow start of dropping the 1st set, he smashed his way through to win the next 2. However, if you are familiar with Del Potro’s style of tennis, it is quite languid, lackadaisical and lovely all rolled into one. He can be deftly powerful and then do some of the dumbest things ever on court. For a huge man, he does not allow himself to be limited by any part of the game. Although, he has had recent niggles with that wrist of his, he can still acquit himself quite well. But against Hewitt, he just became a mess. He allowed Hewitt to get away with murder with that horrid serving of his. Hewitt barely makes 1st serves. In the end, Hewitt knocked off Del Potro and really put a monkey wrench in my US Open predictions. I mean I did not really make predictions but I mean Delpo was supposed to have bagged this match easily.

D for Del Potro… D for Disappointment

Anyway moving on from this mess of a match: other winners include Marcos Baghdatis, Wawrinka, Mikhail Youzhny who I must say has had some good results here, Tomas Berdych and of course the two giants, Andy Murray and Novak Djokovic. Like I said not much going on here except Delpo losing. I almost forgot that Tommy Haas won his match. However, check out the results below.

I am here to reclaim my US Open title and no one is going to stop me

1	N. Djokovic	7	6	6
	B. Becker	6	2	2
12	T. Haas	6	6	7
	Y. H Lu	3	4	6
	L. Hewitt	6	5	3	7	6
6	JM Del Potro	4	7	6	6	1
3	A. Murray	7	6	3	6
	L. Mayer	5	1	6	1
	D. Young	5	3	4
	F. Mayer	7	6	6
	D. Kudla	6	6	3
5	T. Berdych	7	7	6
	A. Dolgopolov	5	1	3
21	M. Youzhny	7	6	6
	J. Nieminen	6	3	6	3	4
	J. Sousa	1	6	3	6	6
	E. Donskoy	6	6	3	4	6
	P. Gokowczyk	3	4	6	6	3
	T. Kamke	4	2	2
	D. Istomin	6	6	6
	A. Bogomolov	6	6	6	4	4
	T. Smyczek	3	7	2	6	6
9	S. Wawrinka	7	7	6
	I. Karlovic	5	6	4
20	A. Seppi	7	6	7
	S.Dewarman	6	4	5
31	J. Benneteau	6	6	6
	J. Chardy	4	3	4
	M. Granollers	3	4	6	6	7
	R. Ram	6	6	2	3	5
	M. Baghdatis	6	6	6
17	K. Anderson	2	2	2

Hottie Daniel Evans coming out to practice

Hottness Denis Kudla

Colin Fleming….Very nice

Joao Sousa from Portugal… DELICIOUS with the scruff and all

Donald Young is always in agony. I think I know of relieving the pain Donald…

Dolgopolov is just a hot mess with that face… He really needs to get active with the ProActiv

I kid you not…Hewitt had the trainer come out on court to wipe his mouth… like WTF is that all about?

OMG did the trainer just come out to deal with his herpes??? That’s just NASTY….I’m so not playing mixed doubles with him

Wimbledon 2013: Day 5

For Day 5 of Wimbledon, the rains wreaked havoc on the schedule, hampering much of the day’s play. With the weather being so unpredictable, only 1 of the 18 courts were in operation; Centre Court where play begins at 1:00 p.m. Meanwhile, regular scheduled play starts at 11:30 p.m. Added to all of this is the fact that men’s doubles matches are best of 5 sets. Did I mention that Wimbledon does not play tennis on the middle Sunday? And they wonder why things are always so backed up each year. Utter madness if you ask me. The English hold onto traditions despite the overwhelming evidence that not only are they archaic but also inefficient.  Anyway, when the rains did let up, they were able to complete all of the suspended and postponed matches that were carrying over from yesterday.

Oh all rightey then… I am not sure how to even approach this one. It’s June/July in England right? Just checking

There were only three ladies 2^nd round matches to be completed and 2 of them were fought amongst unseeded players. Young British hopeful, Laura Robson is through to the 3^rd round with a convincing victory over her Venezuelan opponent, 6-4 6-1. This was her 1^st win on Centre Court according to the pundits. I am sure she has not had that much visits to the arena in the 1^st place for it to be a mentionable stat but I am not even gonna check them on that. Bratzwanska’s sister Urszula Radwanska looked poised to get to the 2^nd week on Wimbledon but she as per the norm lost her mind on court and went down in 3 sets to American Alison Riske 6-4 3-6 4-6. In the lone upset of the day, Kaia Kanepi knocked out 7^th seed Angelina Carebear Kerber in 3 sets. Kanepi always makes a good showing of herself at both the French Open and Wimbledon and yesterday was no different. Kanepi looked to be down and out in the 1set set but she came back in the tiebreaker and totally dominated the 3^rd set. Kanepi is through to the 3^rd round 3-6 7-6 6-3.

Laura Robson: Have you seen the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man? Have you seen the muffin man who lives on Centre Court Lane?

Carebear Kerber was feeling no love yesterday from Kanepi

I am not about niceness…I’m a gonna punch you in the face itch!

On the men’s side, five 2^nd round matches were to be completed. 29^th seed Grigor Dimitrov was facing sudden death against his opponent Greg Zemlja being down 8-9. Dimitrov had to stave off 4/5 match points in his opening serving game for the day and though he was able to save himself then. His erratic/inconsistent style of play let him down and he was sent bouncing 9-11 in the 5^th set. With this 2^nd round loss, it proves how perfect coupling he and Shriekapova are; a matching pair of 2^nd round losers. Anyway, 13^th seed Tommy Haas won his match against Taipei’s Wang 6-3 6-2 7-5. 26^th seed Dolgopolov aka BWLLAGWLLAB finished off his Colombian opponent Giraldo 6-4 7-5 6-3. Fiery Ferrer (4) and Jeremy Chardy (28) had to get through their matches in 4 sets. All these players were had to complete their 2^nd round matches yesterday will play again today for a place in the Round of 16 matches on Monday.

Au revoir Grigor

I got all dolled up for an epic 5th set match up and this mofo lost it in 3 games. WTF? Let me get out of here before someone notices me.

Of the 8 scheduled men’s matches, only 4 were completed and the trend of upsetter getting knocked out in the next round continued as both Dustin Brown who took out Hewitt and Sergiy Stakhovsky who took out Mr. Federer, were sent packing by their opponents. Brown lost in straight sets to Adrian Mannarino 4-6 2-6 5-7 and Stakhovsky lost in 4 to Jurgen Meltdown 2-6 6-2 5-7 3-6. The felix felicis potion that both Brown and Stakhovsky took in their previous round most definitely wore off and they looked their usual mediocre selves on court.

WTF? The magic potion wore off already?? SHITE

I beat Mr. Federer and I am still a loser…I can’t take this anymore

Andy Murray the 2^nd seed had to face 32^nd seed Tommy Robredo which potentially could have been a tricky match for the Scotsman. However, he dealt with it quite decisively as he dominated nearly all areas of the match 6-2 6-4 7-5. He has a very easy draw with Divadal, Tsonga and Mr. Federer being out already from the tournament. The stars could not have aligned themselves more perfectly for Lochness Monster to get to his 2^nd consecutive Wimbledon final. Jerzy Janowicz (24) who is fast becoming a fan favourite is through to this 1^st Round of 16 at a major if I am not mistaken. He took on Nicolas Almagro (15) who was unable to win a set as the Pole showed consistent and brilliant plays to win the match 7-6 6-3 6-4. The other 4 matches were postponed for today’s schedule. I guess now it makes sense for the players to have this middle Sunday off. The most interesting matchup of the quartet is Gulbis v Verdasco.

Lochness Monster as always looking unpretty

Janowicz is let’s say very very strong in the face. He looks like Iron Man while in the suit

I think this might Jerzy’s daddy

On the ladies’ side, only 5 of the 8 matches were completed with the other three being suspended. Flavia Pennetta knocked out the 29^th seed Alize Cornet 0-6 7-6 6-2. Michelle Larcher d Brito who took out Maria Sharapova was knocked out herself when her Italian opponent Knapp snapped her in two 7-5 6-2. Marian Bartoli (15) aka la petite grosse is still hanging around and can prove to be a dangerous floating as this half of the draw is now wide open. Bartoli exacted revenge of sorts for Cornet by beating another Italian Giorgi 6-4 7-5. The 19^th and 20^th seeds, Carlo Suarez-Navarro and Kris Flipkens both won their matches in straight sets to progress to the 2^nd week.

Oh Carlo

Oh Martian Bartoli

Stephens (17) and Cetkovska will begin the 3^rd set today after splitting the first two. Stephens got bagelled in the 2^nd set. Monica Puig who upset Errani on the 1^st day of the Championships dropped the 1^st set against her opponent and will resume play down 1-2 in the 2^nd. Petra Kvitova aka Grand High Witch, 2011 Wimbledon champion needs to get GPS on her broom or something because she is always losing her way in matches. The 8^th seed is the highest remaining seed in the bottom half of the draw and face the ever dangerous floater Ekaterina Makarova (25). You would remember that Makarova in 2012 knocked out the Serenanator out of the Aussie Open. Anyway, GHW won the 1^st set 6-3 then dropped the 2^nd 2-6. She is currently down 1-2 in the 3^rd set. I really do not know what to say about Kvitova anymore. I mean there is potential there but certainly is neither fitness nor mental fortitude there.

Petra is petrified to win these days

I don’t know where I put my book of spells

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The Serenanator and Lochness Monster have allegedly agreed to a Battle of the Sexes exhibition match up

I for one do not agree to this sorta thing because clearly the Serenantor outclasses Nessie

No m’am you are not going to find a real sense of style there either.

I guess there are two muffin men running around Wimbledon

Motherfcuker that’s just uncouth. You’re fixing your freaking dentures in the royal box on Centre Court. I can’t take your @$$ anywhere

Front: Grigor’s “girlfriend” Behind Zemlja’s “boyfriend” Sweetheart, you couldn’t do something about that mug… Really? It’s like someone dragged you away from the home depot to watch the match. It would need more than a little makeup to do you wonders

What is she doing here? I thought you said she does not come to your matches. I didn’t know she was going to be here. She lost early so she said she’ll pop in as she had all this free time. But this was suppose to be out time… I know… I’m sorry

 

And here we have Divadal in the Swimsuit category: He has chosen to accessorize the true blue trunks with some crime scene tape on the left knee. The irony: We all know it is criminal how Divadal be using that “knee” as an excuse for all his failures in life.

First off gurl, this is tennis court not Night court so you can’t wear negligee on this court and second, you’re making me hard and that’s very distracting right now to call this match.

French Open 2013: Jour 3

The rains were most definitely not in Spain today!

Day 3 of the 2013 French Open was seriously hampered by the rains. The heavens poured out its tears and delayed the start of play by nearly 3 hours and then later lead to another suspension of play for a time being. This led to a serious hampering of play for the day. Of the 40 slated singles matches, only 26 were completed. Three additional matches were suspended after poor lighting. Officials out right cancelled several matches so that players avoid hanging around the courts in vain. Maria Krazilenko asked via Twitter, whether she was Wimbledon after her match was cancelled. See it definitely makes sense to play on the 1^st Sunday. Nonetheless, it means that on Day 4, there will 42 singles matches to be played of which 14 will be 1^st round encounters to be completed plus doubles actions. Hopefully most of these are all completed by the end of the day.

It’s like at every major, there is a contest to see who can be the most ridiculous at drying the courts!

Of the matches that were completed, there were dramatics that could only be produced at majors.

On the ladies’ side

Marion Bartoli (13) found herself up against Belarussian (I think) Olga Govortsova and for much of the match, Bartoli’s play was being outmatched by her opponent. In fact, in all three sets that were played, Olga served for each set. However, experience at this level at the sport counts for much. Thus Bartoli came through in the end 7-6 4-6 7-5. Bartoli as always did not look pretty doing it and at the end, she was up against the rope to close out the match but she held strong to give her country yet another dramatic match to cheer about. I have to say though that there was more choking in this match than some bad snuff porn film. It was as though neither player wanted to win and serving for a true advantage led to the server forgetting how to play.

Look at this, and black is suppose to be slimming

While we are on the subject of Bartoli aka Fatoli aka La petite grosse, I am going to say it, she looks fat ie fatter than usual or perhaps whatever weight she had lost recently, she gained back with a vengeance. There was a rumour that she is not working with her father anymore but I am sure he is still the master of this design. A fanz recently posted a video of Bartoli training at the US Open last year. Words fail to accurately describe what is going on in the video. It is like you are watching some spoof for training only that you know it is real….it is very real. I do not understand what the game plan is for Dr. Bartoli and Marion but I am going to say that it is not working. There is a reason why Marion has not really made it big on tour and fails to be consistent and that is her physical fitness.

I do not know whether her status as the top French woman is due to her “talent” or the lack of true talent amongst the other French ladies. Do not mistake me, Marion can play tennis and from her results, she can play at the top level. However, I have said this before, looking at Marion play tennis, is like watching Bizarro in action against Superman. Added to that, there always seem to be some crazy internal struggle going on in her head and not just the normal tennis demons. Marion never looks comfortable on court. As a matter of fact, she just never looks comfortable at all in any arena I have seen her. Truth be told she reminds me so much of Tina Belcher of Bob’s Burger; that awkward adolescent girl still trying to come to terms with her body, mind and the world. Anyway, I have spent too much time on this subject. However, I welcome feedback on the intriguing subject that is Marion Bartoli.

Tina Belcher aka Marion Bartoli

D’Stove is going hard today! Look at those biceps!!

Speaking of French ladies, Alize Cornet (31) won a match and did so convincingly too at that; 7-5 6-2. I very much expected her to fold like a cheap tent but she held strong. Congrats Alize! Sam D’Stove Stosur came out strong and hard against Granny Goodness Date-Krumm, beating her 6-0 6-2. It almost looked at one point that the Aussie was going to knock her Japanese opponent out of the tournament love and love but Granny had to pee and returned to court light enough to win those two games. Good of her to save face like that. There is much to admire about Krumm out here on tour doing it at 40+, which makes it impossible for me to understand, what hell is going on with many of these younger players who are just struggling for dear life.

Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic

The Fivehead Jungle Witch match up against Daniela Hantuchova was pitiful. I wish I knew what was going on in Daniela’s life because she can be constant source of disappointment. She dropped the 1^st set 4-6 but homegurl was up 5-0 in the 2^nd and then blew that lead like a $5 hooker at the point. It was ridiculous. I mean granted that Fivehead is no slouch but I mean seriously, Daniela gurl WTF? You served for it like twice and got broken and in the tiebreaker, you failed to understand the urgency of the matter. It would have been so much better if you lost the match in 3 sets and do not dare blame the rain for your suckiness. You really need to get your life together. Fivehead JW 6-4 7-6

Such a pretty face but at times I wonder if it is not just space in all your grace

16^th seed Dominika Cibuttkova won her match quite comfortably 6-1 6-4 but the two Americans ladies who got to play, Coco Vendeweghe and Laura/Lauren Davis both lost respectively to Yaroslava Shvedova and Kristina Mladenovic of France.

Jelena watching her man play.

On the men’s side: Djoker Harlequeen (1) had a not so easy time against David Goffin of Belgium 7-6 6-4 7-5. Djoker seem to be in conserving energy kinda more. He is the type of player who extends only the amount of energy necessary to get the job done. He does not have to blitz a guy to prove a point and his apparent weakness or aliment is usually not a true indicator of how well he can play at that moment. I mean after all, he comes from the Serbian School of On Court Trickery and HighJinx. (No disrespect to Serbia/Serbians but you all know that your players can fake an injury in 2 seconds flat. I am sure Serbian players hold the record for calling trainers on court.) Anyway, he is through as is 12^th seed Tommy Haas who ended Guillaume Rufin’s hopes of some magical run at home. It is Haas who is actually having a magical run this year. The German is 34/35 and still very competitive on tour. 9^th seed Stan Wawrinka is also through to the 2^nd round as are Nikolay Davydenko, Tabasco Verdasco, 26^th seed Mr. Shriekapova Dimitrov (26), 29^th seed Mikhail Youhzny, 16^th seed Philip Kohlschreiber and Jack Sock (the lone American to win today).

You’re not going to have me out here wasting my time like you did Mr. Federer last year. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

By way of upset, Bernard Tomic lost to Victor Hanescu by virtue of his retirement but truth be told, he was losing. I do not think I have mentioned this before but Tampomic’s father has been banned from the tour (can’t even be a spectator) after he was charged with assaulting Bernardo’s hitting partner. Like seriously Daddy Douche, WTF? 22^nd seed Alexandr Dolgopolov aka Boywholookslikeagirlwholookslikeaboy (BWLLAGWLLAB) lost to Dmitri Tursunov. This match surprised me in the fact that Dolgopolov folded so easily. Make no mistake, I knew he was going to lose this match but I figured he would have delayed the inevitable by doing so in 5 sets but I guess Tursunov had better things to do with myself. Good of him. I think we can safely say now that Dolgopolov is not going to turn into that massive force on tour despite the huge well of potential that he has. He is just going to be a body in the corps de ballet waving that bush around in the background. Meanwhile, our attention is focused on the display of brilliance from other more mentally fortified players. He really needs to get his shite together. The 28^th seed, Florian Mayer got bounced by Denis Istomin in straight sets.

Yes Mr. Goffin aka Frodo Baggins, even I too am perplexed as to why you are only capable of showing your tennis prowess at the French Open but suck all year long

Well folks, Day 4 promises to be action packed as nearly everyone and their grandmother will be playing for a spot in the next round. See y’all tomorrow. Don’t forget to spread word around about RealzTenisFanz. I would really appreciate more followers on Twitter, likes on Facebooks and readership and comments on the Blog. THANKS. You know all of this is for you my fanz.

REALZ PHOTO BAG

The Hotties

Maxime Teixeira of France… HOTNESS

Tabasco Verdasco though a douche, is always worth a taste

Beautiful Benoit Paire… I mean he is even part of the food group. Nothing better than starting off your morning with some paire.

What a lovely juicy Paire!!

Delicious Dimitrov, although he is allegedly taken… we can still admire

Well well well.. Marcos Baghdatis ain’t Fatdatis anymore… showing off that nice flat stomach with a treasure trail to gold

Oh Mon Cher Brands is always worth a second look….

The Notties

I am not sure which is uglier, the outfit or him?

Bartoli, you need to get your life together as well as get in shape

Seriously, he’s pregnant!

MIXED BAG

Sweetie, we don’t that in mixed company

Umpire let!! Some fcuker just farted! Folks lay off the cheese

There is a disturbing fashion trend amongst the ladies these days: Long tights under mini skirts! I have seen Vickie in this get up and even tennis fashion icon, Venus Williams sports this attire from time to time. Ladies STOP IT!! It’s not cute. Either you wear the skirt and a short tight or just the tights. I mean just look at these messes below.

Okay listen Tampomic, we about to remove your brain and your mouth from your @$$. Hopefully, this procedure stops you from becoming an even bigger douche in life

Miss, I do not know who you are but you have achieved the near impossible of looking like a girl creep

I don’t care what you say about it being some logo for high-end brand, that’s a frigging crocodile and birds don’t fcuk with crocodiles.

I am just going to take a picture with my iphone and tweet how the ump is just crazy with these line calls. Retweet if you see that it’s in

Aussie Open 2012: Day 2

Kvitova aka (Grand High Witch GHW) was first up against Russian Dushevina who broke the number 2 seed and 2011 Wimbledon Champ in the opening service game. Dushevina quickly raced to a 2-0 lead. Things looked for a minute like they were going to be very interesting out here on the Rod Laver Arena. However, things did not look good for the Russian after that as she was bludgeoned on the court. GHW worked her magic and reeled off 12 straight games taking the match 6-2 6-0. Dushevina did not even know what hit her.  Now, this is why Kvitova is one of my picks to win this tournament.

I put a spell on you and you're mine my lil pretty

My only fear with GHW is that she can get into these mental lapses where she acts as though she barely knows how to play the game. Anyway, she is safely through to the 2^nd round where she will not be joined by Sam “D’Stove” Stosur (6^th seed). Now Stosur can perhaps be described as an enigma but we will talk about that in a minute. Stosur was the last match up on the Rod Laver Arena for the Day Session and you know, all of Australia was crazy excited for this match. The 2011 US Open champ was taking the court. Prior to this title, the last time Australians had had a major champion was back in 2002 when Dingo Dog Hewitt won Wimbledon.  Australians are extremely proud of their native daughter because much of Australia’s tennis team are in fact naturalized Australians; imported talents of sorts. Australia have a rich history in tennis but apparently they seem to have to outsource for the job. Sam Stosur on the other hand was born and breed Down Under and so they all jumping like kangaroos for her and the match.

We are here for our gurl Sam!!

And what does Sam do for the crowd, well she loses. She loses to Sorana Cirstea of Romania in the first round. Now Cirstea is not a bad player, bony like hell but not a bad player at all but Sam has not lost a single set to her in their prior 2-3 meetings. Sam broke the Romanian in her opening service game and looked to be on her way to romping through this match to the delight of the crowd. However, Cirstea kept forcing the issue and later broke back. She would not allow the Aussie to get a decent lead in the set or assert herself. Now if you have seen D’Stove play tennis, you would realize that she has one main weakness, she virtually has the inability to hit a backhand. It is such a glaring deficiency. However, she is able to get away with it on most days but Cirstea was making her pay dearly for this.

Sorana Cristea (Kris-te-ah not Chris-tea oka) from Romania

Sam has never done well in her native country (think of Mauresmo in France. Oh in 2003 French Open quarterfinals, the Serenanator made Amelie look like she was ranked 1000^th in the world. The French crowd was virtually silent through the match as they watched the Serenanator simply tear Mauresmo limb by limb. It was not cute. No wonder the French crowd booed the American against Cheating Justine in that infamous semi-final match.) Anyway, we digress. Sam coming in this year’s Aussie Open lost in the 2^nd round and 1^st round of her two warm up tournament. So with little to no confidence as well as the weight of a nation on her, Cirstea took the match 7-6 6-3.

The gas line is not connect to D'Stove.

Now what I want to say about D’Stove is that I think she is quite a lovely girl and she is the epitome of the motto, hard work brings success but the real truth of the matter is that Sam is no real singles player. She is a doubles specialist hence why her game is so halved (no backhand). She does not have the killer instinct of a top lady contender and perhaps the public should stop expecting great things from her. She won the US Open and by right she deserved it after that excellent 2010 clay court season only to lose the French Open to Schiabone. However, to be a contender at majors or week in and week out on the tour; that is not D’Stove Stosur. The girl is so lacking in confidence on court. There is no way, a Kim, a Serenanator , a Ebony Starr (on most days), a Shriekapova would have come out on court in such a lackluster manner. It was telling from the beginning that she was not going to impose herself on the match in any way. No wonder, Cirstea had a way easier time in the 2^nd set than in the first. Anyway, the hope of nation was simply dashed.

Hello??? Anyone home??

And as if Sam was not bad enough, another of their imported daughter Jarmila Gajdosova (Guydasova) formerly Jarmila Groth, was knocked out by Maria Kirilenko (27^th seed). Kirilenko will join countrywoman Maria Shriekapova who just simply ripped Gisela Dulko of Argentina a new one with a 6-0 6-1 victory. Dulko had knocked Shriekapova out of the French Open some years ago and Shriekapova seemed to have been exacting revenge.  I often wonder how does one deal with themselves the next day after such a dismal performance. All I know is that it must suck to be them. Suck big time and not in a good way at all.

Shriekapova

Anyway, it was not all tears for the Australians as Jelena Dokic knocked out Anna Chakvetadze which was basically a battle of super great talent but no great results. I think it is time Chakvetadze consider being a professional teacher than a professional player. I do not think her nerves can deal with being on the tour and these poor poor results.  And while we are talking about Russians, we should mention that Boynetsova aka Svetlana Kuznetsova (18^th seed Happy to see her ranking going up there), Maria Kirilenko (27th seed) Vera Zvonareva (7^th seed) came through to the 2^nd round, both in 3 sets as did Nadia Fatrova (29^th seed) and Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (15^th seed).  Zvonareva is my super dark horse pick behind LiNaLi. Other winners include Ivanovic the Terrible (21^st seed) Sabine Lisicki (14^th seed), Marion Fatoli aka La Petite Grosse (9^th seed), Dominika Cibuttkova (17^th seed) Kaia Kanepi (25^th seed) Shahar Peer and Jie Zheng 2010 semifinalist here.  The US should be proud of themselves  as several young ladies made it through to the 2^nd round on the 2^nd day: Sloane Stephens, Jamie Hampton and Vania King aka Saw Clown. Seems I almost for this. Well the Queen Supreme of American tennis is of course, the Serenanator (12^th seed) and she did not disappoint as the final match of the day. She dealt with the Austrian Tamira Paszek 6-3 6-2, preserving her record of having never lost in the first round of a major (45-0).

The Serenanator seeks out to destroy

On the men’s side, D’Joker begins his defense of his Aussie Open title and did he look spectacular as he simply demolished his Italian opponent Paolo Lorenzi 6-2 6-0 6-0. It was a beat down. D’Juggernaut is not skylarking about this at all. He is out to defend his title and he appear to be under the impression that he will defend.

That was a warm up match!

His countrymen Janko Tipsarevic (9^th seed) and Viktor Troicki (17^th seed) also won. Troicki came from two match points down if I am not mistaken to win the match in 5 sets. Meanwhile Lochness Monster (4^th seed) was not looking so hot at all. Young Ryan Harrison was showing him up on court and trying him as he if were the lower ranked player. However, Nessie is not number 4 in the world for nothing and he simply showed the American who was the boss on the court. Harrison should take heart from this game and I myself was particularly impressed with what I saw throughout the match. Hopefully this potential pans out.

Ryan Harrison

And speaking of Americans, Andy “Mr. Brooklyn Decker” Roddick (15^th seed) easily dispatched of Robin Haase of the Netherland who almost beat Lochness Monster last year at the US Open as did Ryan Sweeting and Alex Bogomolov Jr. Mr. Bogomolov has recently been the center of controversy when he was cleared to play for Russia his native country. He is a naturalized citizen of the US. Do not worry Sasha, do not mind the haters because we here are Realz loves you for realz.

Sometimes @$$holes can't help drawing attention to themselves

Australia’s bad start got better as Lleyton Hewitt seemingly down and out in the 4^th set trailing 1-5 came back to win 6 straight games against Cedrik-Marcel Steber Germany. I swear, never have I seen a player choked this badly. Wait, Mr. Federer did against Mr. Divadal in the 1^st set at the French Open last year. (Don’t remind me please!) Dingo Dog showed that he is a fight but unfortunately he faces Mr. Brooklyn Decker in the next round and though this is a battle of two washed up has beens, I think the American can pull this one out though I hardly care about this result. No secret that I cannot stand the Aussie and his smug, rude nasty attitude. Two other Aussie men made it into the 2^nd rounds but I would not bother to tell you their names because I am certain they would not be doing anything special this year Aussie Open.

Fiery Ferrer is about to lick that ball........Olé senor

Anyhow, other winners include David Ferrer aka Fiery Ferrer (5^th seed), Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice (14^th seed) who…surprise..surprise won in straight sets instead of some long protracted 5 set epic battle in the 1^st round. He will join his countrymen Baby Ali Tsonga (6^th seed), Gilles Simon (12^th seed), Richard G@$$quet (17^th seed), Michael Llodra, Julian Bennateau and Nicholas Mahut. I swear France has become the new hot spot for men’s tennis. So many good athletes. The US needs to study their junior programs and have them duplicated over here. Other players who made it to the 2^nd round were Juan Ignacio Chin-Chela (27^th seed) Milos Raonic (23^rd seed) and Kei Nishikori (24^th seed) one of the few men to beat D’Juggernaut last year.

Definitely a cutie pie...all you girls can swoon and proclaim "I wanna have a baby!'

Definitely a hottie is Cristea!

Adidas (All Day I Dream About Sex) Definitely in the hottie sex. Apparently he is Danny Valverdu, on Lochness Monster's coaching staff. I would definitely like to hit some balls with him.

Don't know who he is but definitely would love to especially in the biblical sense.

Hmmm and who is this and what's under that shirt? Hey you with the mike, how about you get some pit pads or switch to anti-perspirant?

Ooo that's what was under there. I think I have a touch of the vapours. Can someone get me the smelling salts??

It always hurt a lil when it first goes in....just breathe!!

A lil tongue action never hurts a soul

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, oral comes standard with every model though one has to have a clean tongue

Azarenka, I could sorta see where they were trying to go with this one, but sweetie, this is just straight up, softcore porn.

Who knew dinosaur wore clothes? Yeah we are in the nottie section now

And speaking of dinosaurs, here we have a caveman

Maybe because it is the wee hours in the morning but Beetlejuice sorta looks cute here.

Oh okay, the world is right again. Definitely a nottie

Hmmmm what's going on here ladies? Rather cozy no??

Hmmmm lady, something tells me you are thinking "Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink."

I see gaynesia is about to claim some new victims. And I am just saying, if you are going to draw attention to yourself shirtless, can't you at least make sure you do some crunches and not eat Crunches. I mean "C" too much Calories in your diet. Come on now indeed. O, Oh really with that scrawny chest. M, I think you have been skipping too Many Meals and E, can we get some Exercise from you.

Well that’s Day 2’s coverage for you.

We are up and running Down Under! Aussie Open 2012 Day 1

It has been months since I have updated this blog. It is quite shameful. Perhaps I should do video blogs or something, make my life easier. However, I cannot do the photos bit and then my entire anonymity is shot to piece. It’s 2012, and I promise to get my “life” together and serve you more. I am not going to make promises. Or perhaps maybe I should. Anyway, let us not waste time dealing with trivial matter. WELCOME TO THE 2012 REALZ AUSSIE OPEN COVERAGE. It will not get any better than this. I want to also thank my Facebook Fanz. They have been tremendous and have kept RealzTenisFanz current. Will give special shoutouts in later blog postings.

So we are in Melbourne for 2 weeks!!

Anyway when we last spoke, we were at Day 6 of the 2011 US Open and you do not need me to tell you what happened. The Serenanator made it to the final and self destruct on court handing Sam “D’Stove” Stosur the title in convincing fashion. I am not a huge fan of Stosur but she is quite pleasant and was extremely happy for her. After the disappointment of the 2010 French Open, she was determined to win a major and she did so. Kudos for Stosur, though the rest of her year was dismal.

You would think that she wasn't happy about the win!

As for the menz, well Mr. Federer totally let me down, having two match points on his own serve and gave D’Joker Harlequeen the victory again in another semifinal. I pointed out on Facebook that in 2009, Mr. Federer played Harlequeen in the US Open semifinal and he won. However, he was hotdogging (showing off) all over the place including on match point. He went on to the final but lost to Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy. Since then, Mr. Federer has never won another US Open title nor beaten D’Joker at the Open. Hubris, look it up and I think you might see Mr. Federer’s face there. Now, you all know I love me some Mr. Federer; he is my psychic twin. However, Mr. Federer got a lil lesson in humility. Anyway, I am not bashing my “boo” but it would not be love if I could not see the faults as well. Anywho, we not really here for that. So Harlequeen made it to the finals where he faced Mr. Divadal who had demolished Lochness Monster in another semifinal. Now, I picked Harlequeen to win though all other fanz imagined that Mr. Divadal would have pulled through. Of course I was right. Fanz, it was a demolition of psyche and physicality as D’Juggernaut just batted Mr. Divadal around the place as if he were a mere child coming to play a man’s game. I know loads of Mr. Divadal’s fanz will disagree with my assessment but I assure you, D’Juggernaut was the won dictating play on court and Mr. Divadal had absolutely no answer despite having lost to him in 5 previous finals.

His first US Open title

So in the end, 4 different women won majors; Mommie Dearest (Aussie) LiNaLi (French) Kvitova aka Grand High Witch [GHW] (Wimbledon) and Sam D’Stove Stosur (US Open) and two men won the majors; Harlequeen (Aussie, Wimbledon and the Open) and Mr. Divadal (French). All of the women basically fell off the map after their win though Kvitova came back strong at the very end of the year, winning a regular tour title and the Year ending championships. For men, Harlequeen was up and down though he had nothing to prove as she had clearly established himself as THE NUMBER ONE. Lochness Monster was a stealth ninja as he cleaned up the Asian tour including serving up a 6-0 set against Mr. Divadal in Japan if I am not mistaken (I am rushing this edition so if there be any mistakes on stats not viewpoints, comment and I will rectify) Lochness crashed out in Paris but Mr. Federer showed his usual end of year flair by winning Paris as well as taking the end of year championships for the 6^th time. He also got to reclaim number 3 in the world. All in all 2011 was a very good year for tennis in particular on the men’s side. I of course am happy that Kvitova being a “young gun” won a major which I hope will signal a changing of the tide for the ladies. Of course they can scramble for majors as long as Serenanator and Ebony Starr are not around. I will allow for an Azarenka to win a major because I so heart her.

Anyway let’s get to the results of Day 1 for the ladies.

Vickie Azarenka got things under way against Heather Watson of Britain. Watson who I swear is the doppelganger for Santana on Glee was just manhandled or should I say womanhandled.

Heather Watson or should I say, Wantana??

Naya Rivera secret sister of Heather Watson?? Someone better talk to their parents about this matter. Too similar in my book.

Watson won her first game and I believe had break point in Vickie’s first service game. However, that did not matter because Vickie just went on a tear winning 12 straight games. Watson was competitive throughout but she simply did not have the weight of shot to contend with the number 3 player in the world. I like Watson because I find her temperament as well as her attitude on court is much more enjoyable than the other British girls (Robson, Baltacha, Keothavong) and she is the youngest if I am not mistaken with a determination to get better. I really like that. Anyway, Vickie was through 6-1 6-0.

Vickie just might be ready to take her spot at number one this year

Other winners include Na Li who might just go all the way this year after making a semi in 2010, final in 2011 and with major win experience, might just claim it all in 2012. However, there are other players who might want to stop that including defending champ Mommie Dearest, Jelena “Fivehead Jungle Witch” Jankovic, Francesca Schiabone, Julia Goerges, Shuai Peng, Daniela Hantuchova and the top ranked player, Danish Biscuit. And while we are on the subject of Danish Biscuit, let me just say that though I never hearted this Cookie, I never loathed her either. I respected her ability to be consistent and never once spoke disparagingly about her rise to number 1 though I spoke about my feelings that she may never win a major. Anyway, this lil biscuit has really been grating me as of late. Besides the fact that I have to hear her going on about her lil golf boo every chance she gets (honey Rory Mcllroy got a major. You don’t. You are not a major winner because you sleep with one. Nope, doesn’t work like that. And while we are in the brackets, I should mention that lil heart pendant with the Danish flag that he gave you for a Christmas present, boo, it’s a bloody souvenir. You got a tourist trinket for Christmas. I would not be publicizing that. We might be interested when he start giving you real diamonds, tennis bracelets etc, otherwise just STFU about it already)

I suspect 3 Euros at Copenhagen International Airport??

Now, she puts out that she got this wrist injury before her 1^st round match and may not be able to finish her etc etc. Now you are thinking, the number one player will be out early with injury (not that she was in anyway contending for the title) Then she comes 6-2 6-1 over her opponent. Really DB?? We are resorting to these silly tactics now?? You need to grow up with this sorta nonsense. You do not need to create news for yourself. You need headlines, win a bloody major already.

Looking like a Bic highlighter on court and it's high day time.

Anywho, Agie Radwanska fought off a tough challenge by American Bethanie Mattek-Sands who I felt had a chance to win the match but of course seemed to be all over the place except on the tennis court. I know some people think that she has a unique style of playing and she is charismatic and all that jazz but really and truly at the end of the day, her tennis sorta sucks. A bit harsh but she runs around the court as if she is sucking on acid pops, though considering her outfit choices, one may feel that that is indeed the case. However, she has great potential or perhaps had it. She had Radwanska by the jugular and simply released her hold on her. If Mattek-Sands is what the US is offering as possible future of their women’s game, they might as well forget about another major champion for a long time.

What?? Is it meatballs calling me??

By way of upsets, Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta (19^th seed) lost to Nina Bratchukova (Yeah, even I don’t know who she is) in three sets. Penne Pasta looked well over cooked early throughout the match and was dished out of the tournament. Yanina Wickmayer (28^th seed) was also knocked out by Galina Voskoboeva of Kazakhstan. Christina McHale another hopeful champion or the US took out 24^th seed Lucie Safarova aka Lady Gollum aka Former Mrs. Tomas Berdych. Since Lurch “upgraded” to his new model, Safarova has not been looking well at all. She lost in straight sets 6-2 6-4. I guess it is a good time as any to mention that Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams will not be at the Aussie Open. She pulled out against citing her energy sapping condition. She “promises” to be back on tour this February. Also out is Andrea Petkovic who incidentally, Ebony Starr pulled out against in the 2nd round last year at the these Aussie Open. She will be out for several months if I am not mistaken. And while we are on older ladies, Date Krumm, Granny Goodness lost in the first round.

So who are my picks for this Aussie Open. Hmmm, I will say it is a tossup between four players. On the top half, I am with Mommie Dearest (though I hope not) or Vickie Azarenka. On the bottom half, I am favouring Grand High Witch (GHW) aka Petra Kvitova or the Serenanator. Kimmie looked rather rusty in her first set though winning 7-5 as she is not the type to be losing that many games in a first round so I put an asterisk to her name. Vickie seems to be getting progressively better each year and she has the luxury of not facing the Serenanator until possibly the finals. My dark horse pick will be LiNaLi who has steadily progressed each year. 2010 semis, 2011, finals, 2012 champion??? Hmmm we shall see.

LiNaLi might just be your 2012 Aussie Open champ

On the men’s side,

Easy, breezy Mr. Federer!

Mr. Federer and Mr. Divadal won comfortably as can be expected. There was no fuss about their wins and they are through to the 2^nd round. Del-Potro aka Beast Boy started off rather shaky and seemed to be packing it up for Buenos Aires but he brought out his mammoth size forehand and was back in the game, winning in 4 sets. Berdych aka Lurch, he too, looked shaky but also came through in 4 sets.Other winners include Wawrinka, Mardy Fish (8^th seed), Nicolas Almagro (10^th seed), Fefe Lopez, Sam Querry aka the Grinch, Tommy Haas, Ivo Karlovic, a dangerous floater who took out Jurgen Melzer (31^st seed I think)  and Olivier Rochus (another dangerous floater). Alexandr Dolgopolov (boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy) won in 5 sets after being down 2 sets to love. I really like Dolgo but I fear his concentration in matches is lacking. He is very Zen-like it seems on court but I suspect that calm state might be that there is no one at home at times. He has checked out for a bit. When he is on, he is capable of playing outstanding tennis and he is one of the young players I feel can really make some noise on the tour in years to come. Fatdatis also won as did Nalbandian. Young American Donald Young won in 5 sets though I feel he will not progress past the 2nd round. However, good win.

Tabasco Verdasco is looking like a spicy buffalo wing with mustard and hot sauce on top

The more interesting match I guess of the 1^st day was Fernando Tabasco Verdasco taking on Aussie Bernard Tomic. Now Verdasco was red hot taking the first two sets. Then Tomic called out the trainer for cramps. However, one commentator on EuroSport later stated that Tomic was “faking it” Whatever the case, who really had the cramp out there was Verdasco who lost the match in 5 sets 6-4 7-6 4-6 2-6 5-7. Verdasco is a really good player and can really contend with the best of them. He is capable of being a top 6 player in the world. However, I guess fame got to his game and he has been slipping as of late especially in his fashion game. That orange soda outfit he had on was disgusting. I took comfort in the fact that he is out and I do not have to see it again. Verdasco needs to get his head back in the game.

Tomic of Australia..is that a muffin top I see there or am I hating?? You know we never hate on the skinny itches around here.

So who are my picks for the men….well actually, it is not much picks as oppose to my picK which would have to be D’Joker Harlequeen. Confidence does not describe the high this guy is one and truth be told, he is playing the best tennis out there. The others are definitely scrambling to catch up. Many have asked, can D’Joker keep it up? Well he is a virtual D’Juggernaut and why not? Mr. Federer and Mr. Divadal were dominating for a time so why not D’Joker. So really, I think he can make some more noise again this year especially at the majors. So who is 2^nd, I will say Mr. Federer. Mr. Divadal is not confident. There is something a bit off about him to me but I know his fanz will have my head for this. However, if he and Mr. Federer were to meet in the semis as they are on the same side of the draw, Mr. Federer will be the victor. And what about the Lochness Monster? Well, he needs a psychologist more so than a new coach in the form of Ivan Lendl. Will be interesting to see what he does this year for I do fear that if Murray does not win a major this year, it will be a “No chance in hell” he can win one in the future. Anyway, I think that’s about it for this edition THOUGH I am very late as usual. Dark horse picks and these are Black Beauty dark, Baby Ali Tsonga and Juan Martin Beast Boy Del Potro. I need an assistant!!

HOTTIE Benoit Paire of France. OUI OUI OUI

Daniela is giving us CoverGurl! Wurk!!!

Hmmm sir, you are aware that you're wearing a skirt right??

Arabasque Mr. Divadal. I always knew you had fancy feet!

You are a girl right??

Excuse! Gurl, I don't do that!....Anymore...well not on Mondays

And M is for Munching all the time...

We have all seen this before. We know the likely outcome. Gaynesia is about to take hold. Who knew there were daywalkers among us?? I mean D and Y have you all ever seen the sun before?

Live at the US Open 2011 Day 6

Now as much I love tennis, I sorta avoid going to the US Open. The reason being that in the past when I have gone, I was more or less surrounded by idiots. I mean it is amazing how much people go to these events and no next to nothing about the sport. I am not going to knock ignorance because I mean, you are going to the event to learn something. However, my problem is that these idiots are constantly airing their stupidity and they never shut up. Often times, they are arguing points despite facts to the contrary. Anyway, I got a “hookup” and got the chance to purchase a ticket to see Saturday matches ie see Mr. Federer and the Serenanator live. I was not going to pass that up for nothing. I do thank my friend for thinking of me at that critical time when the ticket offer came up. I do appreciate it.

Flushing Meadows here I come

So anyway, I set out on Saturday for Flushing Meadows and everything seem to be working for me. I got in and out of the barber, the bus driver was very nice and stopped for me after seeing me running to get to the bus stop. She did not have to at all as stopped before the bus stop. The trains were there when I got to the stations and by 12:45, I was all ready for Mr. Federer vs. Marin Cilic.

When I left home, Danish Biscuit was dealing with Saw Clown aka Vania King, Tipsarevic had won the first set from Berdych and Francesco Schiabone was down a set. Navarro aka Lady Hobbit was bad beating her countrywoman. By the time I got to Queens, Danish Biscuit crushed King, Berdych retired from the match, Scheepers tried to serve for the match against Schiabone only to be broken and lost the tie-breaker to head to a 3rd set and Navarro was through to the Round of 16. Anyway, I asked the ticket attendant where to go and she said two levels up. Now I imagined that I had most wonderful seats and will be almost court side. However, when I found my spot, I was struggling for oxygen as you very well know that higher altitude causes oxygen deprivation. I was at the very top of the stadium. I could see Manhattan from my seat. Not only was I looking hot but I was feeling hot too with the sun blazing down on me.

My seat

My view from my seat

Anyway, I was still able to see the court and soon enough Mr. Federer came out in his fire engine red along with Marin Cilic. Mr. Federer was not stellar but he was playing well enough because Cilic was clearly overwhelmed by the occasion and despite playing exceptionally well in his first two rounds, he came up short in the end. Mr. Federer’s backhand was the obvious liability on court as it landing consistently in the service box and bouncing up high. I know it will be snack time when he faces more tougher opponents like a Tsonga, D’Joker, Divadal or a Lochness, if he gets that round. Mr. Federer is not guaranteed in the finals of majors anymore with his piss poor play as of late. Anyway, I felt the stadium after the first 3 sets, Mr. Federer being up 2-1 and had a break in the 4th already. I wanted to see other players.

Mr. Federer vs Cilic

By this time, Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova took out Fivehead Jankovic in straight sets and Mardy Fish and Kevin Anderson were on their way in their match. Schiabone had also made another comeback and took the match. So I wandered around the grounds and by this time, Mr. Federer finished off Cilic 6-3 4-6 6-4 6-2.

On my way to see others whilst keeping check of the score on Ashe

I saw Jurgen Meltzer (aka Jurgen Meltdown) of Austria and his doubles partner Philipp Petzschner of Germany

Yearning for Jurgen

Guten Tag!!!

Saw Peng Shuai practicing...she's up against Flavia Pennetta

I even spied Sam D'Stove Stosur out on the practice courts

Caught a lil of the Hantuchova and Radwanska's doubles match...They won after a poor first set

Then I saw this... Fabio Fognini... I really need to work on my Italian

He was practicing with his doubles partner Simone Bolelli but he didn't have his shirt off so...

I went back to watching him... the pictures do not do him justice at all

I saw Alexandr Dolgopolov....the boy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy. I am really impressed with his cool calm demeanor on court. And in person he's not bad looking at all if you ignore the acne. He's always fixing his hair though

He was playing Ivo Karlovic

Ivo, why are your socks dirty?? The clay season is long over and those sucks are dirty.

Aravane Rezai has a phat ass not going to lie

Heineken may have been light but his breath was heavy. Can someone tell me why I was smelling this man's breath even though he never spoke to me and I was behind him all the time. A wind was howling with his halitosis. People do not go to public events if you know you are carrying toxic waste in your mouth.

The Serenanator

While I was wondering about, I checked the score and realized that I had to hurry because the Serenanator was destroying Victoria Azarenka on court. she was already up 4-0. I raced back to my seat….I mean I climb the slopes to get to my seat by which time, the Serenanator was up 5-0. Victoria won a game and Serena closed out the set 6-1. The beginning of the second set was no different from the first and the Serenanator looked poised to put the Serena Sleeper hold on Victoria. The Serenanator failed to convert a chance to go up 2 breaks but had triple match points on Azarenka’s serve but failed to convert any of them.

Victoria Azarenka out wandering wondering where her game has gone

Triple match points

Azarenka sensing a loose moment from the American, seized that moment to break the Serenanator when she served for the match. Things were getting interesting for a few minutes prior Serena was up 5-3 love-40 and now it was 6-5 Azarenka. My throat was dry and I could not deal with the drama. I was definitely vocally rooting for the Serenanator and if she were to loose, it was a long way to the exit. I could not do the “Walk of Shame.” May I could just jump down. That canopy below look like it could take my weight. Right?

WTF Serena?? WTMFF??

Anyway, fortunately, the Serenanator got herself together and took the set to a tiebreaker, which was again tense to say the least for me. 7-5, Serenanator and with that, the match 6-1 7-6; the No 4 seed was out. It is really a crying shame because Victoria Azarenka is a really good player and when she is on form, she is always meeting up the Serenanator a la 2009, 2010 Australian Open and now 2011 US Open. She is one of my hopefuls to win a major because she is really good. I hope she takes this losses and build from it. Anyway, I have to say that the Serenanator is playing really really tough. She is very tactical and is not allowing herself to get behind any opponent. She is psyching out her opponents and right about now, they are all scared.

The Serenanator is splitting the competition

Goodness gracious....that was a close one

The Serenanator giving her winner's on court interview. Mary-Jo Fernandez, those slingbacks is high inappropriate at this international event. They look like your house slippers and I am not even going to comment on your nurse's scrub skirt because I think you already know you get zero style points for that.

You know I was extremely happy with the win so I raced down as close I could to the court (Thank God for the gym!)and took more pictures. I even saw Mary-Jo Fernandez doing the on-court interview.

On my way out of the stadium I saw Richard Williams…

Yeah, my daughter is kicking @$$

Anyway, I went over to Louis Armstrong Stadium to see two men battle it out for a place in the Ladies 4th Round. Kuzi-Rex and Akgul A-man-mu-ra-do-va who looks every bit as a boy as she does on TV. She looks like she can also snuff you out like a candle in the wind. Lynn Welch was the chair umpire for the match (For super die hard fanz like moiself who knows the chair umpires by name.)

Kuzi Rex. Not even going to talk about what she's wearing

Perhaps a bit pre-historic?

Akgul Amanmuradova

By the time, Dolgopolova aka the Boy who looks like a Girl who looks like a boy had taken out Ivo Karlovic and Juan Carlos Ferrero also won when his compatriot and opponent retired from the match. Mardy Fish had also taken care of Kevin Anderson who was putting up a late charge. Anyway, I checked the schedule on my smart phone which was so much more economical than buying a programme for ($20…get the hell outta here USTA. Do you know what I can get for $20 in the real world?) Anywho, I decided to go see some real menz action on Grandstand because it was going to be a Harem of Hotties as Argentina’s Juan Monaco was currently playing Germany’s Tommy Haas and after that “piece de resistance” Tabasco Verdasco vs Baby Ali (All that was going through my mind was “Heaven, must be missin angels”

Juan Monaco of Argentina

Here's a better look. Dios Mio

Tommy Haas

I mean you know I am always a fan of Tommy Haas as I affectionately call him “Head and Shoulders” but in real person, he definitely has a shot to get it. Monaco well, we have to something about that hair but that’s just me nitpicking…he is muy caliente. When I got to the match, he was putting the finishing touches on Head and Shoulders. It is a shame that unfortunate incidents have followed Haas in his career. He was a brilliant player but he got into a motorcycle accident which took him out for like a year I think and also slipped on a loose ball at Wimbledon which caused his ankle to blow up like a balloon. Added to other injuries, he never really made it to his true potential. Anyway, he was out and up comes Verdasco and Tsonga. My eyes were in sugar shock.

Tabasco Verdasco v Baby Ali

Anyway, I have to tell you about an incident that was unfolding as I was watching the match. Now if you haven’t seen to the Billie Jean Tennis Center looking at the graphic below, you can see that the Louis Armstrong stadium is connected to the Grandstand.

Map

Now Kuzi-Rex and Akgul were playing on Armstrong so Baby Ali and Tabasco Verdasco were playing on Grandstand where they were SCHEDULED to play. There were no changes in the schedule. Now, because the men’s matches were a hot ticket, the Grandstand was full but you can look over in the Grandstand from a balcony on Armstrong or if you go to the very top of Armstrong you can look over into the stadium and see the match. I was forced to watch the match from the balcony. It was not a bad view at all. Anyway, after the Kuzi-Rex match, Kuzi Rex won in straight sets and was through to the Round of 16 to face Danish Biscuit, world’s no. 1 Caroline Wozniacki, the officials closed the court (Armstrong) and asked the people to leave including the people who were only inside the stadium to watch the Tsonga v Verdasco match. I have to say that this was really the hot ticket at the time. I mean they were two hot players and also the quality of play was expected to be good. They are both top ranked players.

She' the one in the blue muumuu and her "friend" is next to her in the pink shirt. I was up there watching the match at one point

Anyway, this one young lady took serious exception to security’s mandate that they leave the stadium. She took great offense to this matter and told the security guard, “It;s obvious that the USTA (US Tennis Association) made a MISTAKE by putting the Tsonga match on the smaller court. Therefore allow us to be in the empty stadium.” Now, this girl is either a law/medical student and she went on to “reason” with the man saying that he can simply have one security guard watch them. Mind you it was not just her but an entire crowd of people wanting to line the back wall. This security officer, obviously a religious man because I would have told her what was the MISTAKE beginning with her tragic outfit which was meant either for bedtime or pregnancy and her obvious gay balding (think Chia pet) boyfriend who God forbid was wearing inappropriate shoes with no socks (I just knew he had no socks on….he looked the type) and wearing a size medium pink shirt when he is clearly an XL on a very good day, bursting out of the bloody thing like fat Hulk. But we aren’t here for that and she was not talking to me. Really the audacity of this woman. Of course she asked for the supervisor as if he was going to allow her and her “girlfriend/boyfriend” alone in an empty stadium to stand and look over at a match, something she and shim were at that very moment doing on the balcony. They even offered to find her a good spot but she refused. I mean what if the people were to have acquiesced  and she and he went over and got hurt or worse the victim of a crime (Not like he was going to protect her. I mean I think she looked more the man than he did) Then she would have been all up in arms and blaming the USTA for the entire affair. Did I mention that they had tickets to Arthur Ashe stadium and should have been there instead of screaming like some banshee? You would have thought someone had cut her off in the TJ Maxx line where she got her lil number. She was just quarter past ridiculous at this time. I on the other hand, just walked downstairs and got a perfectly good seat very close to the action and got some really nice shots.

I went and got me way better seats

Way better view!

Not that from above was bad.

A view from the balcony

Anyway after the match… Tsonga totally dominated Verdasco as he was not serving up to par and his weight of shots were totally off. He seems to not be the player he was in 2008/2009. I do not know if he’s getting lazy or perhaps his mind is elsewhere but he has really lost the edge he had before. Tsonga on the other hand was looking really good. I mean he’s the real dark horse pick of this tournament. He has a winning record against D’Juggernaut 5-4, beaten Mr. Federer the last two times they have played including at Wimbledon 2011 where Mr. Federer was up 2 sets to love. Divadal is not so well these days and I know Tsonga will not be intimidated by the Spaniard. However, Tsonga will have to beat the top three players and that’s a very very very very tall order. Anyway, I was saying is that Sloane Stephens lost to Ivanovic the Terrible in straight sets and her countryman D’Juggernaut knocked out Davydenko. Ivanovic next faces the Serenanator and D’Joker will play Dolgopolov. Andrea Petkovic also won her match and will play lady Hobbit in the next round.

This made me smile... you know how much I "love" me some Jennifer Capriati

So all in all that was my day at the US Open. It was really a wonderful experience even though I was by myself. Hope you enjoyed.

Day 1 finally got opened at the US Open 2011

So Day 1 of the US Open has been completed without any delays. There was no rain, no fake hurricane warning and no crazy winds to report. Everyone said that it was a beautiful day outside but I never made it outside for the day and my secret location is rather secret so I do not get much light in the cave. Nonetheless, I got the internet to see some pretty good matches for the first day. A certain fanz had had promised to get tickets but they came up with all sorts of excuses. I do not want to put anyone on blast but KJ you know who you are.

Celebrations the US Open has officially opened.

Anyway, there is not much I have to say before I get into the tennis talk other than this. Now, RTF is a very sophisticated publication and we cater to a certain clientele who only subscribe to the very best in periodicals and read the best of the blogosphere. I say all this to say that I hope none of my fanz are going around saying that “a hurricane hit NYC or Hurricane Irene passed through the city” because you know I will be so ashamed of you and for you as well. People, let’s get it together okay. We are a professional and cultured people. It was a tropical storm at best okay. I do not want to see anymore facebook postings about how a hurricane hit the city because it just downright foolishly wrong and an insult to the people of New Orleans where an actual hurricane happened. Anyway, we not here for this, we are here for the tennis.

Why of course, we're sophicated!

On the menz draw, it was rather uneventful for the most part. Typically a lot of players come into the US Open in great shape because frankly, they were doing crap for most of the year and this is their last chance to make something happen. Getting past the 3^rd round of a major can do wonders for a player’s life. They can get increased endorsements, huge pay day from prize money plus media coverage, which will definitely send their Twitter accounts and Facebook pages going (something most of them live for). Anyway, this often results in high quality matches from the menz. The USTA has slowed down the courts this year for whatever reason so in essence they are playing on a very hard clay court. Apparently, if you add sand to the paint which is used to coat the courts, it can slow down the surface. This is resulting in longer matches. I guess this makes for better matches?? I do not think so. It makes for less and less distinction amongst the majors’ surfaces, where all the courts are getting slower. Not forgetting that longer matches added to the long season is causing more and more injuries. I think since the top four players are in essence baseline players they are catering to their needs though Mr. Federer will have the most problems. Also, Americans are not good on slower courts so I do not know if the USTA is trying to sabotage their own mission but you know, we shall leave those sort of executive decisions to the executives. Their follies will  just be fodder for Realz Newz. So to the results

Mardy Fish is playing whale size tennis these day and is the US best hopes on the men's side

Mardy Fish looked impressive with a straight sets victory as did Marin Cilic (he has a MASSIVE forehand) who took out American Ryan Harrison. Apparently before the match (I might be wrong here…don’t have a fact checker all the time) Harrison was all like, “I got a fire in my belly” (paraphrasing here). However, on court that fire looked more like bad stomach gas because his play was fluctuating and flatulating all over the place. Any time he was in the lead, he simply choked and threw away his advantage. He does not possess anything special as far as I can tell but he is young and has massive potential. Nonetheless, he should shut this mouth and let his tennis do the talking, which today was saying “shit”.

Harrison's tennis was no where as good as his high kicks

Beetlejuice (Monfils) won his match and of course without fail, he was ugly evermore…..I mean he exuded a massive amount of energy just to get to the 2^nd round. I imagine that he would be done by the 4^th round at these championships. Other winners include Lurch (Tomas Berdych), Richard Gasquet and Michael Llodra of France, Australia’s rising star Bernard Tomic, Ukraine Alexandr Dolgopolov and Serbia’s Janko Tipsarevic. Ivo Karlovic of Croatia also won taking out former quarterfinalist Fernando Speedy Gonzalez who is still working his way back from injury to his past form. Juan Carlos Ferrero finalist in 2003 needed 5 sets to take out his 1^st round opponent and Tomaz Bellucci that hottie from Brazil lost 😦 to Dudi Sela of Israel as did Victor Troicki (15^th seed) lost to Alejandro Falla in 5 sets. Troicki had a 2-1 set lead and threw away the match. This is the second match he is playing shitty tennis when he should closing out the match.

Another wilted performance from the Serb

The other notable men’s winner is Mr. Federer. I decided to give him a whole paragraph for himself because there is much about him to talk about. Now he won his first round match 6-4 6-3 6-2 against some Colombian Santiago Giraldo. I saw that match which finished after 11 p.m. last night and I have to say that the realz Roger Federer has been kidnapped and his doppelganger was out on court fcuking up. Mr. Federer was up 5-1 in the 1^st set then was broken twice to almost have to fight it out in a tie breaker. No disrespect to the Colombian but he was no match for Mr. Federer if Mr. Federer had actually showed up. It was errors all over the place. Mr. Federer made 23/37 net approaches, 7/18 on break points, 36 winners, 35 errors, 62% of his first serves were in, had 6 aces and 3 double faults. People we are in the first round and Mr. Giraldo is ranked 54 in the world. It was just disgusting. Had Mr. Giraldo been a shade better player, Mr. Federer would have still been out there playing. It is not that Mr. Federer no longer has that aura of invincibility; it is that he is appearing to be a mere mortal.

Professor Dumbledore told Harry Potter (Harry Potter reference here) that even if he were to destroy the horcuxes which anchored Voldemort to immortality, Voldemort remains a prodigious and formidable wizard ie he can still fcuk you up. One would hope the same can be said of Mr. Federer. I say this to say that  even though Mr. Federer is struggling to win tournaments these days, he seems to be waddling around the court looking like a shade of his former self. He is not playing like a Number 3 player in the world.  He is out of position, shots are all over the place and it looks like he is second guessing himself on all his shots. I have long been vocal about his partnership with Paul Annacone and I will continue to say it. Annacone needs to go. I think Mr. Federer can do bad all by himself. Mr. Federer’s backhand is a serious liability. He drops that ball so short in the court begging players to crush it on the return. And when Mr. Federer’s backhand becomes a liability in matches, his forehand loses accuracy and his shots find themselves in the net or way off the court.

Look at this. WTF Roge! WTF are you doing out there hitting blind shots?

Mr. Federer, I beg you, dump Annacone. FIRE THE MAN! He is like a sick groupie who adds nothing to your production but just sycophancy. He does not know what he is talking about. He’s a charlatan, a fraud and a liar. Your game has significantly deteriorated since his arrival. His tactics may have worked for Pete Sampras but they are not working for you. If you cannot penetrate with your backhand against the likes of a 54^th ranked player, you really think you going to keep D’Joker Harlequeen, Lochness Monster, Divadal at bay and that even if you get to a semifinal stage. There’s Tsonga lurking in the earlier rounds. Annacone was suppose to fix this problem and I have seen zero improvements. What I do see is a steady decline and attrition. Really now… you are not being serious with this current level of play at all. Anyway, I am tired talking about it and I really want to see Mr. Federer win more majors. So please Mr. Federer, dump the non-coach Annacone and find yourself someone else who really knows what they are talking about.

Looking like holidays at the country club than preparing for professional level tennis.

To the womenz, the usual suspects made it through… Shriekapova had a tough test from the British Heather Watson who in the end just did not possess enough game to put the nail in the Russian’s coffin much to my chagrin. Hopefully Watson can develop and given British women’s tennis a much needed boost….as a matter of fact give their tennis a boost overall since Lochness Monster is a massive ole choker.

Made it through to another match more so on grit than game

Watson...hopefully we see more of her in the future. She held her composure today quite beautifully

Anyway, we here about the ladies. Vera Zvonavera won her match as did Marian Fatoli and Agneiszka Radwanska who beat her younger sister Urszula in straight sets. I tell you Urszula was not a happy camper as she was being toyed around the court.

By way of upsets, Petra Kvitova the reigning Wimbledon champion lost to Alexandra Dulgheru in straight sets. Kvitova was just flat today and was unable to straight together several games at a time. No sooner did she break the Romanian than she lost her serve. I really hope Kvitova aka Head High  Witch does not go the way of an Ivana the Terrible. You win a major and then slowly drop off the face of the earth.

Kvitova bringing on the waterworks on court and of course being a witch, she merely melted away. Plus I am sure she was being weighed down by that huge muffin top

Now there was a match today between two American ladies who we hardly anything about, Madison Key and Jill Craybas which got a lot of media hype. Really this was much ado about nothing. Key is 16, Craybas is 37, so it was essentially a young nobody vs an old nobody. Of course the young nobody won as can be expected. It ain’t news. It would be news if this 16 got her @$$ beat by a grandmother as was the case when Dinada Safina lost to Kimiko Date-Krumm a couple of years ago at a major. Oh yes, Christina McHale took out Cookie Monster’s lil sister in three sets today as well. She has a very aggressive style on court and she recently beat the Danish Biscuit so I am happy to see that she is progressing nicely about. Needless to say as well that Melanie Oudin aka Abby Caddady lost first round in straight sets.

Ebony Starr

There were not much matches for the notables for me to talk about other than Venus Ebony Starr Williams match against another one of those many Russians. Now Ebony Starr gave a B performance as can be expected with a 6-4 6-3 victory. She has not played since Wimbledon and as always showed a lot of rust in her game. However, the biggest story of course is her clothes. Now I do not know what’s her problem or to be fair, what’s her point when it comes to her clothing but she really needs to stop. She has of late become obsessed with lace. She claims that “lace is in” what I think she means is that “lace is in her demented world.” The dress looks bad. I do not care what you all want to say about the front of it.

Check out the back of this... you can also see bits of the back of her head too

There’s no other way of saying it but that it is a horrible construction of fabric and if there were any justice in the fashion world, that thing should be stripped off her in public and burned thread by thread as well as all designs regarding this dress, if we want to call it that. Ebony Starr should then be made to plant 50 trees as penance for the wasted paper that went into printing up this “design”as well as go pick two hours of cotton on some cotton farm so that she can feels how much effort goes into real fabric construction. I know a bit harsh but seriously now, she is overdoing this now. The dress looked like someone filleted it or something. White lace with pink zipper on the back of an all black dress with pleats? DISGUSTING! Just revolting. And added to all this, Ebony Starr has the back of head looking all “nappy” (not a word I like to use but there’s no other I can think of…..kinky means something totally different for me and it is not appropriate for sensitive readership) and another terrible weave. Gurl you have eating away your hair frontline with them old sweaty weave go back your natural hair and please put some sorta styling gel for the back of the hair or press them out or something. They looking too bad for this international stage. Anyway, I let you all be the judge thing one because I do not want a certain KJ to be after me.

The forehead or should I say sixhead starts at the top of that visor

Anyway, tomorrow promises to be an action pack as well with Azarenka, Divadal, Danish Biscuit, the Serenanator, D’Joker Harlequeen, Fiery Ferrer, Chun Li Na, Loser Blake and Baby Ali all set to play. It should a really exciting time. Enjoy the photos.

Hotties

The Radwanska sisters...Urszula on the left and Aggie on the right. I won't say it.. I won't say it at all

Looks like they want to give the Williams sisters a run for their money

Grigor Dimitrov though a beauty had to face that beast Beetlejuice in the first round. Needless to say he lost but the most important thing is that his looks is safe. Gotta love a lil tongue action

Nottie

Who's the ugliest of them all? Ooooo pick me .....pick me

Kvitova had an ugly start yesterday to go with her ugly look

No wonder he talks a lot of shit...he eats it too

XXX man lost in the first round. Hopefully he also lose some pounds soon enough too. That scruffy beard isn't heading your triple chin

MMIX BAG

M'am are you okay? You know that shades is either suppose to be on your nose or on your head NOT the middle ground on your forehead....NOPE not at all.

Thunder cyat oooooo Ebony Starr, your cyat is thunderous. Also your camel is stepping out on you there.

I think you're sporting wood. Is that suppose to happen??

Is either she got TPed or she was just pulled out of a tomb in Egypt. Either way, that dress looks ridiculous

Oh Melanie 😦 looking like a bad egg yolk.

Eat your heart out Kim Basinger

Oh Serena.........this is just low class. We expect you to bring Compton to the court not to the press conference.

There's a word to describe this... "jailbait" Where are these girls parents?? Because they are just three seconds and $200 away from being "Girls Gone Wild at the Open"

You know I thought Ebony Starr had committed fashion high treason until I saw this next lil number

Now why is she wearing Super Mario Bros blocks for a dress?? Can someone explain this to me? Where is quality control at sweat shops? I mean Nadia Fatrova should be publicly flogged for this atrocity here. She cannot be serious?

SEE YOU TOMORROW