Wimbledon 2014: Day 2

Day 2

So here we are with Day 2 at the 2014 Wimbledon Championships. Nearly all matches were completed and most of the big names got through to the 2^nd round. However, there were some upsets mostly on the women’s side. The men seem to be in it for the money; 1^st round money is very good but 2^nd round money is even better.

Divadal finally made it to the 2nd round of a grass court tournament

Divadal (2) won his 1^st round match … well that is to say that he finally won a match on grass. He took out Martin Klizan 4-6 6-3 6-3 6-3. Interestingly enough they met last year at the French Open in the 2^nd round. The scoreline was the same. Klizan had his chances to do much more but he could not execute on the big points. Divadal does not look so smooth but it does not matter. A win is a win. You don’t win a major in the first week but you sure can lose one. Things are even more interesting because guess who Divadal is playing in the 2^nd round …. None other than Lukas Rosol himself; the man who started Divadal’s troubles on grass back in 2012 when he dismissed him at Wimbledon in the 2^nd round. After that loss, Divadal disappeared from tour claiming “The Knees were acting up.” He returned to the tour in February 2013. Divadal did not lose a single match on hard court all of 2013. Now I am not starting any rumours here, I am just stating facts. Rosol took out French hotness Benoit Paire in his opening round match 6-3 3-6 7-6 6-4. It is very very very very unlikely that Rosol will score another upset but non-fanz of Divadal will be ever hopeful that lightening will strike twice.

SHIT! I thought I was going to get that upset today

Anyway we digress, Baby Ali (14) finished up his match against Meltdown by serving it out at love 6-1 3-6 3-6 6-2 6-4. When rain interrupted play on Monday, Baby Ali was up 5-4 in the 5^th. Also finishing up his match was Sam Querrey aka The Grinch. He knocked out fellow American Bradley Klahn 6-7 6-4 6-1 7-5.

Even though he only played one game today, you know we hardly need an excuse to show Baby Ali

Mr. Federer (4) won his match with relative ease 6-1 6-1 6-3. He took out Italian Paolo Lorenzi. Mr. Federer had 9 aces, 40 winners and 20 errors. However, a lot of those errors came about as a result of poor execution. I can’t deal with a sloppy Federror. He needs to do better. His level of play will suffice for the scrubs and lower tiers of the ATP but when he meets the likes Goonie Gulbis, Divadal et al, it will not hold up at all. Nonetheless we move on: Fellow Swiss player, Stan the Man (5) or “Stanimal” as he being called… for me Wawrinka cannot be a “Stanimal” when he is losing regular tour matches to scrubs on a regular basis. When he has multiple majors and master series title, then he’ll be “Stanimal” for now he is just “Stan the Man” who beat Divadal’s @$$ in the Aussie Open final causing Divadal to claim “bad back.” Anyway, Stan the Man took out hotness Joao Sousa 6-3 6-4 6-3. Stan had 18 aces. That’s some big boy serving.

Mr. Federer

Stan the Man

Other seeded players who won include up and coming contenders Milos Raonic aka Dennis the Menace (8), BFG Isner (9), Kei Nishikori (10), Richard Gasquet (13) who needed 5 sets to get rid of his opponent, James Duckworth 6-7 6-3 3-6 6-0 6-1. Jerzy Janowicz (15) also needed 5 sets to get past Somdev Dewarman 4-6 6-3 6-3 3-6 6-3. FeFe Lopez (19) who must be super exhausted having played two weeks of tennis coming into this tournament. Lopez won three tiebreaker sets to move through to the 2^nd round. Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) won in straight sets as did Beetlejuice (24). Tommy Robredo (22) won his 1^st round match in 4 sets.

I gotta say that one arm bit looks really cool on Dennis the Menace Raonic

Several players of interest also won today including Nick Kyrgios of Australia (a hottie, if you like that thickish of Greek and Malay heritage) and fellow Aussie Llyeton Hewitt. Gilles Muller who took out Andy Roddick in 2005 1^st round also won as did American Jock Sock, Lukas Kubot, quarterfinalist here last year, Jarrko Nieminen and Mikhail Kukushkin. There were several upsets including unseeded Alejandro Falla who did well on the grass leading up to Wimbledon; he lost in straight sets to Ante Pavic of Croatia. Guillermo Garcia-Lopez (28) lost to Dusan Lajovic in 5 sets; Ivo Karlovic (29) lost in straight sets to Franck Dancevic and Dimitri Tursunov (32) lost to Denis Istomin. So that’s about it for the men’s.

BFG Isner will now be known as the Troll

Oh I just want to point you to a story regarding John Isner aka BFG … (See link below) http://trollandgarros.tumblr.com/post/89253044033/isner-puts-his-white-privilege-on-display-says-the  It is a really good read. See I really have an issue with Isner’s comments. First off, I do not know why or how he felt he had the necessary “credentials” to weigh in on this matter. However, I like the fact that the author of this piece served up some “truth tea detox” Second since I am in FULL agreement … well let me know say full but I am with the author on many of his salient points AND also somewhat dismayed by Isner’s ensuing comments when others tried to enlighten him; I am going to change Isner’s name. From henceforth, BFG which means Big Friendly Giant will just still be “Troll” or perhaps “Mountain Troll” I would really like to hear from you on this matter. I do not understand how people can think “Redskins” is okay to be calling a professional football time. I mean I do not even know why the sport is even called “football” but we not even going to touch that one.

BFG is now a Troll

On the women’s side: The Serenanator (1) is looking good. She had a tough opening service game which took her 10 minutes to complete. She later said that she played well but the girl was hitting some good shots. Anyway, the demons did not come out because the Serenanator was all over Ana Tatishivili as she took her out 6-1 6-2. She had 31 winners of which 16 were aces and 13 unforced errors. Those are some healthy numbers; very very healthy and positive. Hopefully she keeps this up because the road ahead is going to be intense and there can be no letting up of the focus and intensity.

The Serenanator is ready to do battle at Wimbledon

Simona Halep (3) who I swear looks like the Koolaid Juice Jug (I know it is wrong but I swear it is what comes to mind every single time) also had a quick affair on the court. She moved through in straight sets as did Bratzwanska (4), Shriekapova (5) who is supposedly looking good 6-1 6-0 but judging by the numbers, 13 winners, 9 errors, 3 aces and 5 double faults, 43% on 2^nd serve, I am going to say “meh.” This is Shriekapova just handling the Lady planktons with her usual ruthless flair. Carebear Kerber (9) took out lil sis Radwanska in straight sets also. Ivanovic The Terrible (11) was almost in trouble against Francesco Schiabone. However, it seemed as though Schiabone had other ideas in mind than winning the big points. Maybe it was the longer hair or the slight attempt to feminize herself that was mucking up her game. Who knows and who cares? Anyway, Ana won in straight sets. 2013 finalist Sabine Losicki (19) also won in straight sets. The German took out Israeli Julia Glushko 6-2 6-1.

I think Shriekapova is going to a picnic or something with that much bags

Other seeded players who came through include Genie Bouchard (13), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16), Kristopher Flipkens (24) last year’s semifinalist, Cornemort (25) and Klara Koukalova (31) who took out American Taylor Townsend in straight sets 7-5 6-2. Other winners of interest are Jie Zheng, Madison Keys who took out another young hopeful Monica Puig in straight sets, Varvane Lepchenko who dismissed Tsetvana Pironkova (Granny Vee thanks you Lepchenko), Heather Watson of England, Belinda Bencic of Switzerland and Camila Giorgi of Italy.

Bye Gurl Pironkova! Bye!

There were several key upsets on the ladies side biggest of which was Fivehand Jungle Witch Jankovic (7) who was dismantled by Kaia Kanepi, quarterfinalist here last year. Kanepi took care of business 6-3 6-2. Fattychunkova (26) lost in 3 sets to American Alison Riske as did fellow Russian Kuzi Rex (28) who lost to Michelle Larcher De Brito. Roberta Vinci (21) and doubles partner Sara ETranni (14) will be concentrating solely on doubles this Wimbledon as they were both booted out of the singles draw in three sets. Vinci lost to Donna Vekic 4-6 6-4 4-6 and ETranni lost to Caroline Garcia 6-2 6-7 5-7. Sorana Cirstea (29) was also sent packing when she lost to American qualifier Victoria Duval 4-6 6-3 1-6. American Christina McHale was also dismissed.

I was this close to winning the match!

Kuzi-Rex what a disappointment!!

Anyway, that’s all folks … Day 3 action will feature Lochness Monster, Djoker, Granny Vee, GHW Kvitova, Tampomic, Maria’s hangbag Dimitrov, Bratzwanska, Berdshite and many others… So PLEASE check us out. DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT even if just about the pictures…

So Bartoli showed up on Centre Court and she was all teary eye … I too got all teary eye watching this hideous outfit unfold (White and off white lace combination and the necklace #icant)

Now I don’t want to hate but really gurl? Really? Those shoes? I think they are to hide her infamous cankles but still

Even Lisicki is like WTF?? Gurl what happened? Those shoes honey are just You look…you look… you look so plentiful. Eating well in retirement I see”  Meanwhile, what is that stain on the bottom of that “dress” ? Actually, I don’t wanna know

Joao Sousa from Portugal

Martin Klizan, you might be a loser in the 1st round but you’re a winner in our hearts here at Realz… and we have a “special prize” for you

You lost on the tennis court today Daniela but you’re definitely winning in fashion court

Veteran hottie around these parts is looking a bit weathered but he can still get it

We don’t even know his name and we’re not even trying to find out either….What we need to know is where he’s staying

Lisicki looking cute as ever … we’re gonna ignore the snaggletooth

Beetlejuice… gurl.. this is definitely not cute even by your standards

Beetlejuice got himself cornrows … Definitely has not improved his look but to be honest, it doesn’t hurt it either

Of course you we gotta talk about Carlo

Francisco is trying to give us femme realness

I’ve fallen….

And I can’t get up

Gurl, why you acting like a heifer eating the grass? We don’t behave like that at Wimbledon

Don’t you wish you had a sexy coach like me

Tiann, I think Danish Biscuit is saying hello to you …. and she’s being a bit insensitive about the matter

Hewitt is going all out to stay in the game

Mrs. Hewitt keeping tabs on her “investment” This mofo better not get injured again

Is Patrick M going to sing an aria?

He is channeling some soprano realness here

Cornemort had a nose bleed on court … blood magic I say … blood magic!!

Now we have discussed “Gayneisa” here before; where “straight” guys blame their homosexual tendencies on liquor. “I got really wasted with the guys again and then one thing (my pants) lead to another (their pants) and then another (the undies) and next thing you know, his penis was in my mouth and mine was in his. I don’t know why that keep happening. I sobered up and was like Broooo we are never doing this again”

Gaynesia is not to be confused with just being “gay” BIG DIFFERENCE

This is gaynesia. See the different? Good

 Now we have a new Realz term for you: “Gaylusion” this is where straight women cannot seem to see they’re a fag hag. I mean look at this scene. Holla if you believe there is a straight couple in the midst wearing a yellow shirt .. those two girls to the side in those short shorts may have just realized that this just might not be where they need to be at “Gurl, I don’t think any of these guys are our types. Really? Why you say that? Gurl look at the front row, it’s a men’s chorale up in here. Look at that soprano in the green shorts! We need to go.” Lady in the red cap, she definitely knows the dealio. Girls, these boys are strictly dickly! 

Meanwhile, YESSS I finally won a match on grass

Now check out my pocketbook. Isn’t it just FABULOUS

Simona Halep

The Koolaide Jug … enough said

 

Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part II: The Ladies

So the ladies are set for the major of all the majors, Wimbledon. Very few ladies enjoy this tournament because this is the place where “pushing” and “looping” the ball around do not count. Those pushers and loopers die early out there. You have to have some power in your arsenal as well as deadly kill shots if you intend to do well. Even if you sneak into the final, your opponent will just crush you for days. Ask Vera Zvonavera (2010) and Bratzwanska (2012).  Therefore look for the “big girls” to do well; Serenanator, Shriekapova, Ebony Starr (one is hoping and praying), Losicki, Grand High Witch Kvitova etc etc. They are the ones who if they keep their head cool and their game tight, will be the ones in the final. Anyway, I do not have much to say about the ladies because they haven’t done much of consequence lately.

Last year’s finalists Bartoli and Losicki

Just like the men, the draw of 128 has been broken down into the Top Half (Serenanator and Halep) and the Bottom Half (LiNaLi and Bratzwanska). Each half was then further broken down into Quarters. Again, I am not going to make any real predictions but give a likely scenario and speak of possible interesting matchups. We need not make a fool of ourselves by speaking of prediction because we saw how that turned out last time at the French. I mean seriously, Serenanator lost to Muguruza in the 2^nd round. Venus losing to some Schmediova. Really gurl? Really? By the end of the first week, nearly the entire top 10 was out of the competition. You do not even need to ask but you know I was not handling this Shriekapova victory well at all. I couldn’t deal!

Anyway, the lead up tournaments to Wimbledon were all won by unlikely candidates; Ivanovic the Terrible got her life together and brought Ana to the court to win her first grass court title in Birmingham, Coco Vandeweghe…yeah that Coco Vandeweghe won ‘s-Hertogenbosch which is in Holland I think if I am not mistaken and another American Madison Keys won Eastbourne. These winners are not known for their grass court prowess but it will be interesting to see what happens to them at Wimbledon. Speaking of Wimbledon, unlike for the men, the committee decided not to touch the women’s seedings. The top 32 ranked players were seeded as such. They didn’t even move up Shriekapova (5) or Ebony Starr (30). I mean if you are going to bump up the likes of Andreas Seppi from 34^th in the world to 25^th seed Tabasco Verdasco from 23^rd to 18^th seed and Jerzy Janowicz from 24^th to the 15^th seed then demote Stan W who is 3^rd in the world to 5^th seed and put World’s number one Divadal who won only a single match in 2 years at Wimbledon as the number 2 seed, you might as well apply some of this inane logic to the ladies. I am just saying that Cibulkova doesn’t deserve to be 10^th seed and who are we kidding with LiNaLi being the number 2 seed and D’Stove Stosur as the 17^th seed. Anyway, I digress..

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Serenanator [1] v Shriekapova [5]

So the Serenanator has been having issues at the majors. She has been a mess as of late by her own standards. However, Wimbledon is her favourite place to play and she is looking for her 6^th Wimbledon crown. If she is set her year right, Wimbledon is definitely the place to begin. She has a somewhat tough draw, possibly facing fellow American Christina McHale aka McFail in the 2^nd round, then in the 3^rd round Alize Cornet aka Cornemort (23) who beat her in Dubai semifinal this year and a very hot Genie Bouchard (13) in the Round of 16. Then on top of all of that, she can face Shriekapova (5) in the quarterfinals which would the 10^th anniversary of their meeting in the 2004 final when Shriekapova simply crushed the Serenanator. Ironically, it has been nearly 10 years since Shriekapova last beat the Serenanatnor. Andreas Petkovic (20) is also in this section of the draw as a possible 3^rd round opponent for the American.

As of late S in Serenanator has come to mean, S for Struggle

Things are not so easy for reigning French Open champion Shriekapova either. She not only have to factor in that if she wants to win Wimbledon she will need to solve her Serenanator problem in the quarterfinals but first there is also Anastasia Pavlychenkova (26) aka Fattychunkova or Camila Giorgi in the 3^rd round and Carebear Kerber (9) in the Round of 16. Now these ladies, Fattychunkova, Giorgi and Kerber aren’t really worthy opponents for Shriekapova but they have shown in the past that they can beat her and they will be looking for win here if for nothing else but to shut her up. She has really grown quite full of herself as of late. Shriekapova will be looking for the French Open/Wimbledon double which has not been done on the ladies side since the Serenanator in 2002.

Shriekapova getting that practice in

Quarter 2: Halep [3] v Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic [7]

The 2014 French Open finalist, Halep (3) should have an easy enough time getting to the Round of 16 which she would possibly face the winner of the Ivanovic the Terrible (11) or Sabine Losicki (19) 3^rd round match. Ivanovic the Terrible will have to get past Francesco Schiabone in the 1^st round. Fivehead Jankovic (7) might be facing Halep in the quarters but there is Yaroslava Shvedova lurking in the 2^nd round. There is an interesting 1^st round matchup of Madison Keys v Monica Puig. This is worth watching. This section is about as easy a section as one can be. So watch out for a breakthrough star/unknown to come out of this region.

Halep trying to win her 1st major

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Bratzwanska [4] v Vickie [8]

I am so happy that Vickie is back on the tour. She is a delight to watch and I know she would spare me from some of the silliness I have seen on the tour during her absence. I am happy that she is back. She lost in her first round encounter in Eastbourne last week but I am sure she will get better at this tournament. Last year she had to pull out in the 2^nd round I think due to injury but in 2012 she made the semis and also won an Olympic bronze medal. So she can play on the stuff. She is an unpredictable factor in this section of the draw. She also has to with Garbine Muguruza (27) or Coco Vandeweghe in the 3^rd round and the winner of the 3^rd round matchup of Cibuttkova (10) and Lucie Safarova (23) aka Lady Gollum in the Round of 16.

Vickie is eager to get back on the court of another major

Bratzwanska (4) did not have the French Open that she would have preferred. She didn’t even make it past the 3^rd round if I am not mistaken. She has to deal with Kuzi-Rex (28) in the 3^rd round. Tsvetana Pironkova and Varvarne Lepchenko who play each other in the 1^st round could be a possible 4^th round opponent. There is also Sara Errani (14) in this section of the draw. Alien v Predator (Errani) has to get past France’s Caroline Garcia.

Quarter 4: LiNaLi (2) v GHW Kvitova (6)

GHW showing off her magic works

2011 Champion Kvitova (6) is looking to recapture the magic here. She has been a sorta no-show for most tournaments since that historic win several years ago. She also found herself in scandal when she recently started dating Shark Boy Radek Stapenek. However, she dumped the ugly troll recently and might be more focused on her tennis. Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams (30) is in this section of the draw and could face Kvitova in the 3^rd round. Seriously, Venus is capable of getting to the finals. HONESTLY she can do this. However, we are talking about Venus here and relying on her to do good things is like quitting your job and banking on winning the lottery to support yourself. #foolish #uttermadness. Nonetheless, on a personal note, I feel this is my best option right now in life since I am unemployed. So do not count Venus out. Slowe Stephens (18) who has shown a propensity to play well at majors is also in this section of the draw. However, she has Maria Krazilenko in the 1^st round. This might be a tough draw for the American especially since Krazilenko, 2012 quarterfinalist, can really play on this stuff.

This is Venus’s look for this year’s Wimbledon… I am a mehh for this one. Not the best but certainly not the worst

The sisters are playing doubles this year

LiNaLi should make the quarters; emphasis on SHOULD. This section is not loaded as other sections. There are Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16) and Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) lurking about in these parts. Neither player has shown herself to be competent on grass. Albeit that LiNaLi isn’t known for her fine play on grass. However, Danish Biscuit and D’Stove have “somewhat tough” opening round matches. Danish Biscuit plays Shahar Peer and D’Stove plays Yanina Wickmayer.

LiNaLi is trying to create some energy behind her name here at Wimbledon. She has basically flatlined since Melbourne

Can someone tell me why Judy Murray is outside in pjs.

This concludes the ladies’ draw. Now who do you think will emerge as champion and why? Comment below!

I know many of you might not think the Preview’s are Realz’s usual realzness. However, there is a Part III looking at the WTA cocktail event. Be sure to tune in.

Australian Open 2014: Day 2

Really? You really cannot be that hot if you are wearing scuba gear outside. It must be your brain that is on fire

Well folks thus far we are definitely on track with the postings so I am indeed excited about this fact. However, I have to share a bit of misfortune for me. Now, everyone that knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with tennis. I am obsessed with tennis, opera and the Olympics…..yeah and also going to the gym (Only Goldilocks is checking for bears!) I always make it a point to mention my passion for the game of tennis as well as the fact that I have a blog. I always shamelessly try to get RealzTenisFanz out there as much as possible. So imagine my surprise when I am talking to a co-worker recently about the fact that I love tennis. She expressed her genuine shock at the fact that I love tennis for she is friends with a member of Djoker Harlequeen camp. She use to be a former supermodel working with the likes of Claudia Schiffer etc….She was big though not huge in the supermodel sense. She is a good-looking woman and her model shots are AMAZING but I digress. It gets better people… She added “You should have told me because he is always offering me tickets to the US Open! You should have told me because I would have given you the tickets! He is always offering me but I never go”

To say I was flabbergasted is not even the word. WTF? WTFF? WTMFFF?? Is she mad? Is she INSANO! How could she not know? I mean seriously, HOW?? I had to walk away because Satan was whispering evil violent things in my ears and I was ever so inclined to obey. I could not deal because for me, this was no excuse. I could not believe I was so close to being in the players’ box to wear my RealzTenisFanz T-shirt, be on TV, get publicity for this prestigious publication and be famous. I could have even been the lucky charm that Djoker Harlequeen needed to deal with Divadal on that day of the finals. And I missed all of that because of her ignorance. Can you believe the madness of the world? UTTER MADNESS! Needless to say, she was on my shit list all day long. However, come 2014, you know Realz is cashing in on this hook up!!!

Anyway, let us get to Aussie Open action. Wait, I forgot…well I was not that I forgot but it seems as though I missed this news altogether. My former model friend informed me of this. Djoker Harlequeen hired Boris Becker as his coach! Oh my berries, things are getting serious. I mean I figured that things would have to change up with Djoker as for the past 2 years, he has missed some key opportunities in at majors namely, French 2012/2013, Wimbledon 2013, US Open 2012/2013. I mean he has been a mess in big tournaments. However, I always felt that it was his faults not a coaching failure but what do I know. So he takes on a famous former big name player in his coaching corner. Marian Vajda will be taking a backseat and travel with Djoker to limited tournament. Apparently, he was influential in picking Becker as his replacement. Meanwhile, Mr. Federer hired Stefan Edberg to be in his box. We all know that Lochness Monster Murray has Ivan Lendl to help with matters. While all these former glories are trying to light up the paths for current players, Divadal has tired ole cheating Toni Nadal who I do not even think was a professional player himself but yet is kicking all these asses royally. “Isn’t this ironic?” (Alanis Morissette) There is a saying I like saying that I believe that I have coined myself; A good Mathematician isn’t necessarily a good Math teacher.”

Yeah I do not know how effective I can be but I know I would see my name more often in the papers. (Boris Becker, Djoker’s new coach 6 majors)

Mr. Federer and his new coach Stefan Edberg (6 majors)

Lochness Monster and Ivan Lendl (8 majors)

Divadal and Uncle Toni (0 majors) Just beat those bitches with their major titles

Let’s get to the results:

So the day was HOT! It was SCORCHING!! Melbourne was on fire. It was approaching near record temperatures on the grounds. I think this girl below does a way better job of expressing the heat conditions than I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8lXYWXJfHQ

Anyway, Vickie (2) was not having it at all. She looked lethargic, bothered and bloated. I do not know if it is just me but she looks out of shape. However, she is getting the job done when needs be. She took out her opponent in straight sets though it was far from a routine victory 7-6 6-2.

I cannot deal with this heat

On the other hand, Caroline Wozniacki (10) aka Danish Biscuit, wasted no time on court as she ousted her opponent 6-0 6-2. Simone Halep (11) also trashed her opponent 6-0 6-1. Dominika Cibulkova (20) took out former French Open winner Francesca Schiavone in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Francesco has been hitting tough times lately and might soon be playing qualies to be getting into tournaments. Maria Shriekapova playing the last match of the day took out Bethanie Mattek-Sands in straight sets though it was a messy affair 6-3 6-4.

Danish Biscuit was baking

Other straight sets winners include Slaone Stephens (13), Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic (8), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) over American Vania King, Anastasia Fattychunkova (29) and Bojana Jovanovski (33). Bratzwanska (5) made it through in 3 sets as did American Varvara Lepchenko. She will join fellow American Christina McHale in the 2^nd round.

Was Sloane endorsed by Bic Higlighters or the Las Vegas strip? She is just bright even for her own eyes!!

There were no major upsets though some seeded players fell by the way. Kuzi Rex (19) lost in straight sets to Ukrainian Elena Svitolina 3-6 3-6, Sorana Cirstea (21) also lost in straights as Kaia Kanepi (24) got bounced in 3 sets.

Interesting ladies match up for Day 3 Sam Stosur (17) v Tsevtana Pironkova (night session), Sabine Lisicki (15) v Monica Niculescu. Be prepared for pending upsets here. The Serenanator and LiNaLi will also take the court. It is suppose to be another scorching day tomorrow so be prepared for retirements, medical timeouts and possible fainting.

Keeping it chill!

On the Men’s side, Mr. Federer opened his campaign for a 5^th Aussie Open title. Maybe it was the heat but I am not liking for Mr. Federer is looking these days. I know Mr. Federer is 32 and that he is not the Mr. Federer of 2005-2009. However, Mr. Federer is playing erratic/senile tennis. Those balls are landing very short in the court. At times there were flashes of brilliance but other times it was just banality of the highest order. Maybe I am being far too harsh as this is my main how. The thing is it that Mr. Federer is struggling against players of no mettle, merit or might. James Duckworth was giving Mr. Federer a run for his money. The Aussie was playing rather well within himself and it was mere luck and happenstance why he did not manage to pickpocket a set from the Swiss. At the very key moments of the match, Duckworth started to play Fuckworth tennis and Mr. Federer just seized his chance. It was not pretty but it passed and Mr. Federer is through to the 2^nd round 6-4 6-4 6-2.

I got through the day!! Mr. Federer what’s with the pants pattern? They fit nicely though

 Mr. Federer is sitting all hung packing his balls in more than his bag. No wonder Mirka is pregnant again. Fed be laying it down

In other news, Duckworth was not the only Aussie man to be sent packing as this major is near douche free when Hewitt and Tomic were ousted in the 1^st round. I could not be more ecstatic. Tampomic retired after the 1^st set against Divadal (1) with a “groin injury” I want to say something nasty about this matter but it is far too vile even for Realz to repeat. It does not matter to Divadal, he is through to the 2^nd round and on his way to his 2^nd Aussie Open title.

Yeah I am feeling more douchey than usual. Of course I am going to retire, why waste my time out here. I can be home in time to watch Maria’s match.

However, this was not the best result, Rusty Hewitt lost his match in 5 sets. You know how he loves the heroics and to be screaming Come ONs all over the place. He clashed up against Andreas Seppi (24) my sweet sweet Italian sausage and dropped the first 2 sets 6-7 3-6. It is at this moment when Hewitt often shines and he did not disappoint taking the next two sets 7-5 7-5 and he did so at the latter stages of those sets as both times, Seppi failed to hold serve to go to a tiebreaker. So in 5^th set, Seppi returned the favour by breaking Hewitt in the 12^th game to take the set and the match. G’day Mate!!! Yes.

Baby Ali is looking ruff and tuff with his Afro puff

Baby Ali (10) went through in straight sets as did Lochness Monster (4) Feliciano FeFe Lopez (26) and Monfils aka Beetlejuice (25). Del Potro Beast Boy (5) won in 4 sets. This is why Del Potro finds difficulty winning another major. He is in the early stages of matches, monkeying around and wasting energy. Why is he in a 4 set battle against Rhyne Williams? Who is Rhyne Williams? Other 4 set winners include Fernando Tabasco Verdasco (31), Milos Raonic (11) and Grigor Dimitrov (22) who is now working with Roger Rasheed former coach of Monfils. I am excited by this news. I hope Grigor produces better results this year. He has a lot of potential. Kei Nishikori (16) is another one of those players who is not efficient at majors. He won a 5 set battle to move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, Gilles Simon (18) beat my boo Danny Brands 16-14 in the 5^th set to move through to the next round. Young Americans Donald Young and Jock Sock also move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, fellow American John Isner had to retire after 2 sets with an aggravated ankle injury.

Nice to see Donald Young winning a major match

Radek Stepanek aka Shark Boy retired in the 4^th set after winning the first 2. I guess he is protecting his body as he has doubles to play. He is the defending US Open doubles champ. Smart man about the money.

Interesting matchups tomorrow for the men.. Sam Querry v Ernst Gulbis and Nikolay Davydenko v Richard Gasquet (9). I looked at the schedule and saw that Matthew Ebden (Aus) will play 28^th seed Vasek Pospisil (Can) is in the 2^nd match for the night session at the Rod Laver Arena. Ebden is currently ranked 67 in the world. Are they fcuking kidding me? What kinda a bullshit is this? This is like the warmup act closing the show and the main event came on only for sound check. Australian Open better check their nationalism madness at the door. Not even at the US Open will I see a Jock Sock or Donald Young night match UNLESS they are playing one of the big boys! Ain’t nobody have time for this.

Hope you enjoy!!! AND SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT REALZ TENIS FANZ!!

PICTURE SHOW: Treasure Chests!!

Divadal is giving that camera man in the back some action

Berdych showing us his pecs

Alejandro Gonzalez of Colombia getting in on the action

Kei Nishikori

Fognini

Oh Fogging Fognini

Boo can I do that for you??

But tennis players have nothing on these guys..

Cullen Jones… I want to be a water droplet right now

Ryan Reynolds…Blade Trinity… that’s all I got to say…

 

US Open 2013: Day 1

US Open 2013 Arthur Ashe Stadium

So the US Open 2013 has started and of course, RealzTenisFanz is behind the times. I am not even going to offer up any sort of excuses as to why this blog is not more regularly updated. The truth is that I am not really committed to the cause. As time consuming as this is, if I really want it to go somewhere, I really have to put in the effort and work at it. I should have been working on this ages ago and have it down to a science. There is no doubt that I love tennis and even more so love discussing its issues. However, writing about tennis, even salacious commentary, is very time consuming. I am thinking perhaps I should just have a daily live show. However, you would be able to see my face and that would make me an easy target for these players and we cannot have now, can we? Perhaps I can do puppetry or something like that. All in due time.

Maria Shriekapova Sugapova Sharapova

So the US Open begun and I guess the biggest news was that Shriekapova was not going to be at this year’s Open. She pulled out citing the ever reliable excuse “shoulder injury.” She has had a most horrible year if one were looking at this year in terms of mental strength. She got torn apart in the Aussie Open semis by LiNaLi then won Indian Wells I think. However, she got dismantled by the Serenanator in Miami and the hits kept on coming. She has yet to beat the Serenanator since 2004 or even come close to beating her and that Miami final was crushing. She lost 10 straight games after being up 6-4 and serving for a 4-2 lead. She made her way back to the French Open final and was merely at the mercy of the Serenanator. At Wimbledon, she showed herself to be a gossip monger and all that backfired when she lost in the 2^nd round to some virtual no name Portuguese player.

So what had happened was that I was up in the match and then I woke up eating a bagel in the 3rd set. I completely blacked out. So no I do not remember the Miami incident

The summer thereafter was not so kind. Talk of her being “mentally unstable” ensued in the tennis blogosphere (I for one do not question her sanity. I just question her life choices) and she parted with her coach. She picked up a new one, Jimmy Connors….yeah that Jimmy Connors. Now I heard one BBC commentator put it something like this, “I didn’t think Jimmy knew anything about the women’s game other than perhaps dating Chrissie [Chris Evert].” This partnership did not last longer than “Ms. Janey’s fire” (My mother always say this. I don’t know who Ms. Janey is but apparently, her fires never stay lit.) Maria and Jimmy parted ways after she lost in 3 sets to Sloane Stephens in the 2^nd round of Cincinnati. Yep, she won one match this summer. Poor Maria! And on top of all this, she wanted to change her name to Sugapova for the Open. Maria, in the words of the Sassy Gay Friend, “Look at your life! Look at your choices!”

2013 Wimbledon Champ Marian Bartoli

Anyway, Shriekapova is not here (the ESPN tea is beside themselves because who are they going to talk about) and then before all this, Marian Bartoli 28 years old, 2013 Wimbledon champion claimed to have retired from tennis after being bounced early in Montreal I think it was. She said that her body hurt. I mean, I am not trying to be mean here but are we really surprised by this announcement? Look at Bartoli’s body coupled with those insane training regiments that Walter had her doing; I am surprised that she has not had far more serious injuries. However, not the take is that she might not have actually retired because she has not asked the WTA/ITF (International Tennis Federation) to remove her from the rankings. I think she is trying to avoid the pressure one gets having won their maiden major a la Petra Kvitova, Francesca Schiavone, Ana Ivanovic, LiNaLi and others. Anyway, we are not really checking for Marian and whether she is present or not, it does not change the price of eggs because the major will play on.

This is Bartoli at her athletic peak.

I am not going to take a pick and say who will because things can be very topsy-turvy in the women’s game. I mean, Marian Bartoli won Wimbledon convincingly. Nonetheless, all of the other players are here, Venus and Serena, Vickie Azarenka, Aga Radwanska, Sam Stosur, Petra Kvitova (in body, big as it is, though we question if her spirit is still around) and the other lot of ladies trying to win this million dollar plus purse.

The Serenanator is all dressed for business out here

The Serenanator is again looking in fine form. Since 2011, she has been coming into the Open in tip top shape and she has an amazing record for the year, 50 and 4 losses. Since working with Patrick M (I cannot spell his last name and I am too lazy to copy and paste it right now), She has had 99 wins and 5 losses in just over a year. Now forgive me for sounding rather crude here but if the rumours are true and they are in fact a couple, Serena gurl, give this man whatever he wants in the bedroom…front and back. The price of your “P” off court is small compared to the payout you have been getting on court.  And I have to say that the Serenanator’s game has really matured. She has better court coverage, MORE patient, better groundstrokes including that forehand wing and just overall a more effective game. Patrick M has yet to teach her how to do a drop shot but that is okay, we cannot have it all.

The Serenanator is ready for these championships

Coming off a disappointing Wimbledon, she lost once and to Vickie. This is her 2^nd lost to the Belarusian on hardcourt this season and the last one came after she dominated the 1^st set and also served for the match in the 3^rd. It was a repeat of the 2012 US Open final but only this time, Vickie came out on top. However, this takes the pressure off the American and hopefully “Laquanda” does not show up. Interestingly enough, the Serenanator has not really found her stride with her serving this summer. It is very alarming because she is still dominating but she will need it for this championship. The hardcourts of New York can be very brutal and cheap points are needed.

My perennial fav Venus Ebony Starr Williams giving you grandmother upholstery realness

So enough with all this silly talk: What went on yesterday? Well you know my perennial favourite, Venus Williams was in action against the 12^th seed Kirsten Flipkens, 2012 Wimbledon semi-finalist. Flipkens beat Venus several weeks ago in Montreal in what basically ruined my birthday. However, yesterday, there was no mucking about from the American over the Belgian. 6-1 6-2. She was on her like white on rice. Aga Radwanska also had a similar scoreline against her opponent. The Serenanator was beyond clinical yesterday, she was surgical. She was really going after Schiavone, 2010 French Open champ, in an attempt at a double bagel. In the first point of the match, the American just flicked her racquet and that ball was arrivederci. She is not mucking about here because Schiavone can be a very tricky player especially when given an inch and she has the stamina of a racehorse. However, yesterday, she was decimated on the court. She had to solicit a hug from one of the ballpeople. Fanz, it was a brutal beatdown for the Italian, one she is unlikely to forget.

Say a lil prayer me! I need love love…

Thanks Frankie for the nice evening warm up. Gurl you know I had to finish you off quickly because this hair cannot get wet

Sloane Stephens came through a tough 3 setter with a final set tiebreak. She has already put it out there that she does not have much faith in her doing well at the open. 8^th seed Angelique Kerber won as did 9^th seed Jankovic. Check out the ladies results below to see whether your favourites are through to the next round. The US Open is having 3 days of 1^st round matches with a couple of 2^nd round match ups being played on Wednesday. Do not ask me the logic for this madness. I do not know why they just do not play on the 1^st Sunday.

		E.   Makarova		6		6
		P.   Hercog		2		4
8		A.   Kerber		6		6
		L.   Hradecka		1		1
		M.   Johansson		3		1
		B.   Mattek-Sands		6		6
1		S.   Williams		6		6
		F.   Schiavone		0		1
		K.   Pliskova		6		4	5
		E.   Bouchard		4		6	7
		G.   Voskoboeva		6		6
		M.   Niculescu		4		3
9		J.   Jankovic		6		6
		M. Keys		3		4
		E.   Cabeza Candela		1		4
		A.   Barty		6		6
		K. Nara		6		6
		A.   Cadantu		2		2
		P.   Ormaechea		6		79
		K.   Date-Krumm		3		67
		M. Puig		4		6	5
		A.   Kleybanova		6		3	7
		K.   Mladenovic		6		1	6
		A.   Medina Garrigues		1		6	1
15		S.   Stephens		4		6	77
		M.   Minella		6		3	65
		I. Begu		1		3
		U.   Radwanska		6		6
		K.   Bertens		1		3
		J.   Zheng		6		6
32		A. Pavlyuchenkova		7		6
		V.   Razzano		5		0

You are gone Nishikori and yeah you have been forgotten. Ain’t nobody was checking for you

On the men’s side, things were also pretty routine with the only upset of Kei Nishikori, the 11^th seed, to British Dan Evans. But truth of the matter, we were not even checking on Nishikori though a 1^st round exit was totally unexpected. I guess we can also call the 27^th seed, Fernando Verdasco’s loss to Ivan Dodig another upset. However, considering how he has been playing for the past couple of years, we are gonna withhold the use of that word. It goes without saying that Divadal has been unstoppable at the hardcourt tournaments this year. He has risen back up to No 2 and the knee is still going strong. Other than that inexplicable 1^st round exit at Wimbledon, he has made it to all of his tournament finals and only lost two of them. He has 9 titles already this year including a historic 8^th French Open title. As always, he comes back from “injury” and just goes on a tear. No one is questioning these remarkable “comebacks” It is all being put down to great genetics etc. Divadal has not had any kinda surgery for this “tender knee” yet he goes back on court and does the same exact thing that allegedly got him and his knee in trouble. It is not my implication that the Spaniard is on drugs. It is just my assertion that the information provided from the Nadal camp does not add up in the least. Nonetheless, the Spaniard is coasting right now because he has no points to defend from last year. He is merely collecting free points at this stage of the game. Anyhow, he totally dominated Ryan Harrison today making that boy look like amateur hour. There will be a couple of those shots that I am sure made it into the highlight reel on ESPN today.

There is “Kneedal” at it again

Other winners include Fiery Ferrer, Tommy Robredo, Tipsarevic and Davydenko. Mr. Federer’s match was postponed because of rain and the USTA decided to have an hour long pageantry in lieu of playing tennis. These people are the worst organizers ever. They pay more attention to the huge sponsors than to the needs of the players. Anyway, check out the men’s scoreline below. I do apologize for the late affair but PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO SUPPORT RealzTenisFanz

So before we had any tennis on Monday night, we had to do this…

Then this… He’s still making music?? Why??

And all this too

And then finally this… WAY WAY WAY TOO MUCH USTA… How about we have this on Saturday night.. Before the open starts

		S. Giraldo	3	6	78
		C. Berlocq	6	3	66
19		T. Robredo	6	66	6
		M. Matosevic	3	78	3
		R. Dutra Silva	4	3	711
		V. Pospisil	6	6	69
4		D. Ferrer	7	6	6
		N. Kyrgios	5	3	2
		R. Haase	65	6	5
		F. Dancevic	77	3	7
		R. Bautista Agut	6	6	6
		T. Bellucci	3	2	2
		A. Kuznetsov	62	3	77	4
		D. Sela	77	6	62	6
18		J. Tipsarevic	6	65	6
		P. Cuevas	3	77	3
2		R. Nadal	6	6	6
		R. Harrison	4	2	2
27		F. Verdasco	3	5	6	3
		I. Dodig	6	7	1	6
		R. Williams	3	6	6	0
		N. Davydenko	6	4	1	6
30		E. Gulbis	6	2	6	4
		A. Haider-Maurer	3	6	1	6
		K. De Schepper	77	2	60
		B. Klahn	65	6	77
		M. Kukushkin	6	77	7
		A. Martin	4	62	5
		S. Robert	6	6	6
		A. Olivetti	3	3	4

THE BIG PICTURE SHOW

From a nottie…

To a hottie.. I cannot get over how much wonders make up can achieve!!!

How this concept

Turned into this tragedy is beyond me… Venus take this crap out pronto!!!

What the hell is this??

And you went all out with these nails too?? Is this your version of a lady’s mid life crisis?

Sloane is giving you Stepford Wives face right now

Yes Jesus you continue to guide Dan Evans at these championships… guide him to my home as well Lord.

And FeFe Lopez you can bend over for me any time you want

Is the fashion world going to convict Stella McCartney for fashion atrocities or do I have to get the World Fashion Court involved? What the flying fercuque is this getup? Why is the Danish Biscuit allowing herself to be dressed like a girl clown?

French Open 2013: Jour 9

This might just have to be a quick update so as to be on schedule for the rest of the tournament. Sometimes I think I will be on time but it always seems that I lag behind no matter what I do. I forget that my body needs sleep and whenever I try to take a cat nap, my body just goes for a full sleep. Anyway, I digress. So for Day 9 of the French Open we have the second set of Round of 16 matches and with its completion, the quarterfinals will be set.

It was a beautiful day

The winners on the ladies’ side of the draw were quick and decisive about their wins for the most part. None of them dropped a set and looked impressive throughout. Vickie took on the dangerous floater and 2010 champ Francesco Schiabone. However, Vickie made short work of the Italian and crushed her 6-3 6-0. Last year at the open, Vickie looked vulnerable and got bounced in the Round of 16 if I am not mistaken. However, this year she is looking impressive and is on track for her 1st French Open semis.

Thanks for coming boy!

Easy day at the office today

She will take on Maria Krazilenko who dispatched the American Bethanie Mattek-Sands 7-5 6-4. For a moment, it looked as though the American was going to win the 1st set comfortably but then you know how Mattek-Sands can be and furthermore, Krazilenko has been playing really well at this tournament. She has definitely shown herself to be a serious top 10 contender.

Krazilenko is on it this year at the French Open

Shriekapova played another American Slaone Stephens. They met recently in Rome quarterfinals I think where Shriekapova dismantled her in straight sets. Slaone looked to improve from that encounter. However, it was not to be that she would get the batter of the Russian on this day. She won more games but Shriekapova is going through the draw like a buzz saw. She is in fact the 2nd best clay court player this season and Maria rarely lose early at a major to players ranked outside the top 10. Maria 6-4 6-3.

Sometimes when I am beating Slaone Stephens I imagine that I am beating the Serenanator. I know it is not real but it makes me feel better about myself

Thanks for the practice and by the way, keep running your mouth against the Serenanator. I don’t like her either. She’s not a nice person, always feeding me bagels and breadsticks when she knows I am on a diet

The Russian will play Jelena “Fivehead JungleWitch” Jankovic in the quarters. Fivehead took out yet another American, Jamie Hampton in dominating fashion as she dropped just 2 games. 6-0 6-2. Jankovic is really finding her stride at this major and one cannot tell the last time she looked this impressive in a while. She got to the final of Charleston earlier this year and now in the quarters of a major. Impressive but something tells me Shriekapova is going to handle this one. Well actually it will be an interesting matchup. Should at least be a 3-setter.

Hampton just got cursed by Fivehead JungleWitch

Sometimes, pink isn’t always pretty. I swear she looks like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh

This is definitely the Chernobyl Disaster

On the men’s side, Tommy Haas came out blitzing against the Russian Mikhail Youzhny. He just absolutely crushed the Russian 6-1 6-1 6-3. Mikhail barely knew what hit him before he had to pack up his shite and get off the court. He was very angry, busting up racquets etc. It is a shame, he is a good player but Haas is on a comeback tour and no one is going to spoil that party so easily. Haas will face none other than Djoker Harlequeen himself who he beat last time they meet in Miami or Indian Wells I think.

WTF you looking at me? I can break my racquet whenever I want to because I paid for it and scratch my balls too while I am at it

Ha Ha Haas is in the quarters

Djoker was facing the last man to knock him out early at a major, Philipp Kohlschreiber. In 2009 Kohlschreiber knocked Djoker out in straight sets. Djoker was none too please about it matter but that did not stop the German from taking 4th consecutive set against the Serb at the French Open. Kohlschreiber started out as the more aggressive player and it paid dividend as he claimed the 1st set 6-4. However, Djoker believes that he is on a destined path to win the French Open and not only a career grand slam but also a true grand slam this year. He was not about to get dismissed by the 16th seed. Djoker found his game and also Kohlschreiber decided that he was “dropshot dragon” on court and he got burnt for it. Djoker was on it and he dismissed the German in 4 sets 4-6 6-3 6-4 6-4.

Kohlschreiber trying really hard to repeat himself but only succeeding with too many crazy drop shots

I’m the Djuggernaut itch!!!

Here’s the birthday Diva!!

Yesterday was Divadal’s birthday, his 27th in fact and although I was hoping that Kei Nishikori would give him some humility as a present, the Japanese was unable to trouble the Spaniard. Divadal won convincingly in straight sets 6-4 6-1 6-3; his most convincing win of the tournament. The organizers gave Divadal a huge cake, which I felt was a bit much considering that Divadal complained about the tournament every chance she got plus, it was just a bit too much for my liking. Anyway, Divadal will be playing Stanislav Wawrinka who dashed the French hopes yet again.

Gasquet v Wawrinka

Gasquet was up 2 sets to love against Stan and it seemed that he was going to win one for his 1st French Open quarterfinals. Gasquet has a ghastly record in Round of 16 matches and today was no exception. He allowed Wawrinka to sink his teeth into the match and made ridiculous errors. Mind you, there were a lot of pretty moments in this match. Both players have one handed backhands and they can use it with deft dexterity. Mr. Federer would do well to get a copy of this match and practice many of the shots that he would see on display. Anyway, the French crowd did everything they could in their power to push Gasquet through to the quarterfinals but Gasquet just ran out of gas in the end. Wawrinka 6-7 4-6 6-4 7-5 8-6

I don’t even know what to say about this pic. Stan is completely dead in the face

Tomorrow will see the start of the quarterfinals.

I cannot believe Vickie is going out with this mess

Party Rock!!!

I gonna have to ask you to take the CAPS LOCK out of your voice and you don’t take your motherfcuking find outta of my face, your ball won’t be the only thing that’s out on this court

Listen fat boy, ain’t no one trying to hear you right now with this shite. Go put on a brosseire because I am not trying to talk to you right now with your boobs hanging out!

HOTNESS

Ending on a beautiful note and pose

 

French Open 2013: Jour 6

Day 6 at the French Open saw organizers trying to get back on schedule because of the almost washout of play on Day 5. Matches were played back to back and of course Divadal had some complaining to do. However, we will deal with that mess in another paragraph. Right now, let us get with the ladies.

I mean look at this mess! Is she serious??

Marion Bartoli had another tough match but this time around she did not drop a set. She overcame her opponent who just could not close out a set. It was horrible because Bartoli is not playing well in the least but she is competing well enough. I for one am not a fan of her style of play because it is far too inconsistent to be admiring it for it is “uniqueness.” I dare not use the word that comes to mind to describe Bartoli’s on court antics. In other newz, Shriekapova was able to finish off her match against her Canadian opponent, moving through to the 3^rd round in straight sets.

Destruction in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…..

Both the Serenanator and Sara Errani were in complete control of their matches handing out fresh baked bagels on their way to the round of 16. Maria Kirilenko aka Krazilenko has also looked very impressive in her matches as she has yet to drop a set and is really looking like she might cause trouble in this draw. 2010 champ and 2011 finalist, Francesco Schiabone is also finding her groove/form at this tournament. The Italian has been thrown back to the wilderness obscurity and does not like it. She is playing well here at this tournament and looks to regain some of her fame. She took out another manish poser Flipkens of Belgium in 3 sets. Stephanie Voegele took out Kaia Kanepi in 3 sets as well. Meanwhile, Kuzi-Rex 2009 champion took out one of my peeps, Bojana Jovanovski in straight sets. Hopefully, we will see more of Jovanovski. Roberta Vinci will also be in the Round of 16.

Francesco Schiabone is all pumped up for the French and clearly that’s not the only thing pumped out there

Carla Suarez-Navarro seems to have found her kinetic energy after displaying all that raw potential in the past. She has quietly moved through to the 4^th round. Also moving quietly is the 2009 Champion Ana Ivanovic the Terrible. It seems like she has conquered some of her demons as she knocked out Virginie Razzano. Angelique Carebear Kerber took out American Lepchenko in 3 sets. Very difficult match for the German has she had failed to beat the American in their 3 previous meeting.

Thank you for coming but the Federer express is leaving you at this stop

On the men’s side of the draw: Mr. Federer faces some tough obstacles ahead of him if he wishes to take his 2^nd French Open title. He has to deal with more than just the French crowd but also the host nation’s top players. First up is Julien Benneteau who beat him their last match up in Miami if I am not mistaken. However, overcoming an early break (and the fact that I put the fear of God into him for dropping his serve in the opening set), Mr. Federer just paved through the Frenchman in straight sets. Baby Ali Tsonga had to deal with his fellow Frenchman Jeremy Chardy but Ali KO’ed him in straight sets as well. Gasquet also looked comfortable against his opponent and took him out in straight sets. Gilles Simon almost looked down for the count but he overcame the challenge that is the Grinch, Sam Querry. Simon had to close out the match in 5 sets.

The Grinch may have stole Christmas but Simon stole this match from him

Things were not so great for his flashy countryman, Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice had veteran Tommy Robredo pinned the corner and took a 2 sets to love lead. However, the Spaniard is fighting to reclaim his top form of several years ago. He came back roaring taking the match in 5 sets. It was a very entertaining match and very good on Robredo to stick to the sport and fight for his life. He was playing qualifiers recently. Now he is seeded 32^nd and in the 4^th round of a major!!! YEAHHHHHH Also I hope that Monfils keep up this level of maturity and confident style of play. He is capable of being heavily featured in the Top 10 especially when the likes of Tipsarevic is a solid No 8 in the world. Really!!

Is it over? I am just going to take a nap right here on the clay!

Speaking of Spanish players, Fiery Ferrer took out his countryman Fefe Lopez in straight sets. Fellow Spaniard Almagro got through to the 4^th round. However, Tabasco Verdasco could not mount enough reserve energy to knock out the 8^th seed, Janko Tipsarevic aka Doucharevic. Janko won in 5 sets. Janko has got further than I thought he would have had him and so has fellow Serbian Victor Troicki who beat the 10^th seed Marin Cilic in straight sets. I was most certainly not pleased with this result since I love me some Chin Cilic.

Chin Cilic never gets his life together at majors.

BFG, John Isner had to overcome fellow American Ryan Harrison. It was a tough match for both players already dealing with the lagging schedule and neither has a good record in 5 set matches. However, BFG held it together better and won the match 8-6 in the 5th. BFG came back from being down 2 sets to love. BFG is not the only big guy to have won on this big. Jerzy Janowicz won in 4 sets. He will join Kevin Anderson who beat Milos Raonic while Wawrinka is showing some strength at this major as he too made it to the Round of 16.

Big head Jerzy getting to his 1st 3rd round of a major

Klizan almost killed Divadal out there but got caught up in the moment and lost it all

I cannot believe I almost closed up this posting and did not deal with Divadal. Now home gurl was a mess yet again in her match. The Spanish Rose was playing Martin Klizan of Slovak Republic. Now, I hardly ever heard of this player before in my life but here he was making big noise against the legendary Divadal. Klizan took the 1st set and for a moment almost seemed like he was going to take a 2nd but the Divadal reigned it in and re-grouped. She just laid into him there after to win the match 4-6 6-3 6-3 6-3. This is rather surprising behaviour from Divadal as she usually crush these no-namers, Challenge Circuit Hall of Famers for breakfast. However, I am not really here to talk about this particular hurdle for Divadal but it is what she went on about in the press conference.

Now, this is not pure hateration though I know a lot of people will accuse me of this. Divadal is no light bulb. He a quintessential jock and owning to the aristocratic history of tennis, he cleans up well and dons this pseudo nice boy act. However, Divadal got into the press conference after his 2nd round win and started to complain about the scheduling saying that women’s and doubles players were being given priority over him. That the scheduling was not favouring because his next round opponent finished, Fognini finished yesterday. I do not understand why Divadal is complaining. What were the organizers to do? Demand that the heavens cease pouring down so that Divadal could complete him match? It was not Fognini’s fault that you decide to monkey around with Klizan and not get an easy victory. You are a tennis player, if you do not want weather to affect you, pick up an indoor sport. This boy needs to shut his mouth because never have I ever heard him say anything of substance and/or relevance. I have had it on good authority that his English is not the problem because he acts the same way in Spanish. I think the organizers should send him out to play on Court 17 so that he could finish up his match early. I swear she complains for everything especially when conditions are not in his favourite. Watch if he were to lose he start talking about how the scheduling affected his play. He is such an immature git.

These lil itches be trying to come for me. They must not know bout me. Lord Clay Divadal!! GURL, Your hair is a MESS

Tomorrow will see the completion of all the 3rd round matches. Anyway, I will close on this note. I kinda feel like I have forgotten to note results of other matches but at this point, I can hardly see the point.

And the word is L: Schiabone giving you fem boy realness

The boys of the WTA

Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

You think it is right I have to look at this ugliness all match long?

What you itches looking at?

Oh gard, the Serenanator’s beatdown is giving me a headache

Oh good lord, he’s hung like donkey kong!!!

Oh Harrison, WTF with these pants?

Virginie….WTMFF? You are wearing a dress over a gorilla suit?

You think those mofos are over there talking about us? I know that skank ain’t saying shit about me.

Wait I think those fcukers are talking about us! Really? Hold me back because I am about to punch one of them in the face

French Open 2013: Jour 2

On Day 2 of action at the French Open, no real huge upset took place amongst the ladies in contention.
6th seed LiNaLi took out Spanish Anabel Medina-Garrigues in straight sets 6-3 6-4. The Spaniard could have been a tough customer as she took a bagel set off the Serenanator several weeks ago in Madrid. However, clearly that was due to a drop in form from the American more so than the Spaniard being that good.

Trying to find her 2011 French Open form again is LiNaLi

4th seed Bratzwanska will join her sister in the 2nd round as she quite quickly destroyed Shahar Peer of Israel with 2 breadsticks 6-1 6-1. Peer has most definitely lost her way in this sport of tennis and it would do well for her to find her form again and find it real soon. Meanwhile, Bratzwanska, no stranger to fashion faux-pas decided that blondes have more fun and coloured her hair. I do not know what inspired this change but I wish she will soon be inspired to change it back. It is not a cute look. Accept that you are not the prettier sister and just work on your game.

It was definitely a dumb move to be blond Bratzwanska

10th seed Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit aka Mrs. Mcilroy came into the French Open riding high on a 6 match losing streak. She has not won a single match all clay court season. By right, she can take the retirement from Andreas Petkovic in Charleston as a win though no actual point was played. Petkovic pulled out before the start of the match. Nonetheless she has not been her usual self as of late and to add more fuel to the fire, she has finally decided yet again to part ways with daddy Piotr as coach. Let us see how long this will last. However, in the immediacy, she finally won a match. So there might be hope for her after all. Anyway, Woz was playing a very dangerous player in the form of Laura Robson of Great Britain. However, Danish Biscuit had something to prove and she simply crushed Robson 6-3 6-2. No place like the present at a major to find your form and win matches.

Considering a lot of the nonsense Danish Biscuit has worn throughout the ages, it is really tough for me to say that this outfit is the ugliest. Why is Stella still designing??

Gosh to be sucking more than Danish Biscuit must really sucks!

2nd seed Shriekapova was her usual early-in-a-major-dominant-self, surrendering only 3 games to her opponent. We are never worried about Shriekapova getting to the 2nd week of a major. The issue is always her ability to come up with an effective game plan against a quality opponent whilst in the latter rounds. Nonetheless, for now, she will move on comfortably. Other notable players through to the 2nd round are 15th seed Roberta Vinci, 8th seed Carebear Kerber who dispatched her compatriot Moaning Mona Barthel, 2010 French Open winner Francesco Schiabone, 20th seed Carlo Suarez-Navarro, Serbian Bojana Jovanovski (I heart her) and Kuzi-Rex knocked out the 22nd seed and fellow Russian Makarova. This does not really count as an upset since Kuzi is the far more talented of the two and 2009 French Open champ.

Thanks for coming gurl. The exit is left and you can pick up the loser cheque on your way out!

17th seed Sloane Stephens is also through to the 2nd round and will be joined fellow Americans 29th seed Varvarne Lepchenko, Vania King (Saw Clown) Melanie Oudin (yes that Melanie), Bethanie Mattek-Sands and Madison Keys. Christina McHale lost to some girl I do not even know. She was the only American playing that did not go through today. Pretty impressive from the American girls. The lone upset on the ladies side had to come from Julia Georges, the 24th seed. She got bounced in straight sets 6-7 0-6 by a qualifier, Zuzana Kucova. I do not know what to say about Georges. Others will say it is physical injuries hampering her game but I would say, it is more likely brain damage. She is just another case of those young guns on tour just shooting blanks.

Sloane is being more tight lipped these days after her verbal diarrhea attack against the Serenanator

Divadal almost got pegged in the 1st round

Things were far more interesting on the men’s side today than on the ladies. I have to say that so far after 2 days of play at the French, I have enjoyed quite a number of matches far more so than usual. Anyway, I digress. Divadal found himself facing a possible 2 set to love deficit at the hands of my baby Daniel Brands of Germany. Brands is not a particularly super talented player. However, he can be quite spectacular if he plays his game and did he ever today. That forehand of his was absolutely SEXY and he was beating Divadal for pace and down the line with that shot. Brands took the 1st set 6-4 and was up 3-1 in the 2nd set tiebreaker. However, he got a bit ahead of himself and Divadal finally decided to hit the panic/escape button in this nightmare of a match he was having. He wrested control of the match, snatching the tiebreaker then breaking Brands at the beginning of both 3rd and 4th sets to claim victory and begin his walk home to his 8th French Open crown. Lord Clay Divadal 4-6 7-6 6-4 6-3.

You’re so beautiful Daniel! I know but we’re not a match

Wildcard entrant Gael Monfils upset Tomas Berdych 5th seed in 5 sets. I mean seriously this is not really an upset of sorts but Monfils is coming off a long layoff from the game. However, he was really magnificent against the Czech. Monfils aka Beetlejuice in these parts has been known to be a regular wild card on the court. He was an impressive junior (almost won the grand slam of junior titles but injury finished him off at the US Open). Beetlejuice has been one of the few junior players as of late to transition from boys to men quite seamlessly. The issue with him though is that he always seemed to be about theatrics and actual tactic on the court. However, some time ago at the Australian Open if I am not mistaken when he was injured and played against Mikhail Kukushkin, Beetle showed a level of maturity I thought I would never see from him. He fought so bravely in that match and despite losing it, he gave it his all. He impressed me on that day and today, he went even further. It was a quality match between the two with some spectacular shots and wonderful plays.

Beetlejuice showing heart. However, we have no idea WTF he’s wearing. I don’t know if it is an ugly sweater or a hideous shirt. But for once we can say, his hair is looking really nice!! BTW, you got dropped by NewBalance? Really? Things were that bad out there in the wilderness of injury?

Nonetheless, Berdych acted as though Monfils owed him the match and refused to seize the money. He got ahead of himself and got broken in the 5th set to have Monfils serve out the match. Monfils served extremely well, being broken once. I know the French are all ecstatic with win because no one energizes them like Monfils. But the French need to be checked because Monfils is not winning this thing. It was a good/excellent win but let us not get crazy now. He just beat Berdych okay and to be quite frank, knowing Berdshite like I do, he can lose to anyone like that; not to take anything away from the Frenchman. Monfils 7-6 6-4 6-7 6-7 7-5

H&M is your endorsement deal? WTF is going on in the world today? Is this a sign of the harsh economic times. You are working with European K-Mart. The ATP should have some kinda quality control about these kinda things.

6th seed Tsonga won his match quite easily as did his countryman Richard Gasquet (7). They went through to the 2nd round as did Julian Benneteau (30) who looked to have lost the plot at one point after being up 2 sets to love and 5-1 I think in the 3rd but he got it together late in the 4th set, taking it in the breaker. Jarko Nieminen of Finland halted the French wave by knocking out Paul-Henri Mathieu in 5 sets. 11th seed Nicolas Almagro won his match in 4 sets (This Spaniard might need an intervention soon because I think he is hanging out with Tabasco Verdasco too much as of late). Ernest Gulbis also won and will face Monfils in the 2nd round. Up and coming Jerszy Janowicz (21) also won as did Lukas Rosol (last man to beat Divadal at a major). Other winners include 32nd seed Tommy Robredo (on the comeback tour) and 27th seed Fabio Fognini (that hot Italian sausage). Marin Chin Cilic (10) and Kei Nishikori (13) will be in the 2nd round as will John Isner aka BFG and fellow American Ryan Harrison.

Is Tsonga also working as a ball boy at these championships?

By way of upsets we have Juan Monaco, the 17th seed who cannot seem to get his tennis life together much these days. Mr. Divadal Ex was up 2 sets to love but then decided that winning the match might not be what he wanted to do right that instance. I guess as his opponent was Spaniard, Daniel Gimeno-Traver, he was having some kinda of Divadal flashback because he clearly checked out. Spanish boys seem to be his kryptonite. Juanito boo, get your shite together! It is over between you and Divadal. You knew that he was not going to commit to you and shave his beard. It hurts but let that go and move on. Let me tell you, the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else. And my name is Someone Else okay! I can deal with leftovers if you are what is being microwaved. I’m just saying okay.

Daniel Gimeno-Traver got Monaco’s head all wrapped up. I mean he is not an ugly guy, albeit better looking than Divadal but there are certainly hotter Spanish men out there.

In other news, an Aussie youngster Nick Kyrgios took out Shark Boy Radek Stepanek in straight sets all in tiebreaker. Now that is remarkable from the 18-year-old especially against a veteran solid player like Stepanek. American Rhyne Williams lost in the 3rd and final stage of qualifying to get into the main draw of the French Open. However, due to a late withdrawal, he was entered as a “Lucky Loser” into the draw. Funny thing was that he was not so lucky as he would be facing the same guy who beat in the qualies and he would lose to him again. I am sorry Rhyne but the upside is that you still get a decent cheque for losing in the 1st round of main draw but get jack shite for losing in the qualies at any stage.

Djoker vs Goffin

Anyway, that is about it for major happenings on Day 2 at the French Open. Day 3 will see the conclusion of all the 1st round matches. Djoker Harlequeen (1) will begin his assault for claiming his 1st French Open title as does Vickie. Both may have tough customers on their hands by way of David Goffin of Belgium (almost stretched Mr. Federer to the limit last year at the French) and the Russian Elena Vesnina (knocked Venus out of 1st round of Wimbledon). However, I am not worried about either player. Petra Kvitova aka GHW (Grand High Witch) that enigma of anomalies will also play. No one is entirely sure which Petra will show up on court tomorrow, not even Petra. So watch out for that match against Rezai, there might be an upset there. The only comfort Petra can have is that Rezai is capable of playing worse even when her opponent is clearly struggling. Sam D’Stove Stosur (9), 2010 French Open finalist will also open her campaign tomorrow as do Delicious Dimitrov, Stan Wawrinka (9) who is battling injury, Tabasco Verdasco, Fatoli Bartoli (13) and Tommy Haas (12). I do not see much of an upset happening tomorrow though I do think that Nicolas Mahut will beat Douchsarevic in 4-5 sets. Also one has to wonder about the rains in Paris as we have had two lovely days of play so far.

REALZ MIXED BAG PHOTOS

The Hotties

Jerzy Hotness in full effect

Ah mon Cher Brandy. Poetry in Motion

Petzschner is definitely trending in my mind right

Oh Robin Haase…the hot flying Dutchman. I’ll set sail with you any day…

Fognini got me seeing all cloudy right now and I am close to precipitating all over the place. Way too much condensation for one man!

The Notties

Beetlejuice was playing so beautiful yesterday that I forgot how unpretty he is. But then I saw this and it’s All coming back to me now!

Melanie Oudin what’s going on gurl? You are dressed like a butternut squash while looking like a cabbage patch doll!

The Feminine Mystique? Someone get this girl some ribbons or something quick. I mean seriously, why does Carlo look like this? Though I have to say that the colour looks really nice on her.

Kuzi-Rex WTF is this shite? I would have said it was impossible before but you are wearing a nursery rhyme.

I saw this picture of Kuzi-Rex at Elena Dementieva’s wedding and I had to share it. I do not even know where to begin but Kuzi is really giving Big Gurl Butch/Fem Queen Realness all in one! The SHOES! The DRESS! The HAIR! SMH

Other Realz Shots

I think hers is bigger than yours Divadal

Carebear Kerber is so pumped up and so is her —-!!!

Wimbledon 2012: The epic 4th Day

Gurl, Centre Court was on fire! I was having volcano flashes up in there

Had they told me before the match begun, I would have called them a liar, a fool and a down right tennis dunce. However, like we always say here at RealzTenisFanz, the game is won and lost on the field and not on paper. That Lukas Rosol had even a sliver of a chance to beat Lord Clay Divadal (I think I rather call him Lord Clay Divadal instead of Lord Dirt Divadal) was improbable if not impossible. Nonetheless, anyone who bet on Rosol yesterday, though initially seen as a mad man, he left the evening a very rich man. This was the 2^nd round of Wimbledon and Divadal is not going to be in the 3^rd round as Lukas Rosol simply dismantled him on the court 6-7 6-4 6-4 2-6 6-4. Yes it was 5 sets but nothing about that match was a contest for Divadal. Rosol had a game plan and he executed it to perfection. This is monumental, this was an epic match and instantly will become a classic for the ages. Hard to imagine that one of the top 4 and even more surprising, the top 2 will not be in the 2^nd week of a major. Rosol, ranked 100^th, came onto Centre Court to face a tennis god but showed that he was a titan. His nerves were steely, his forehand rock solid and that serve, it was simply a precious gem. Divadal had never been treated with such disrespect in his life. At no point in the match did it occur to Rosol to lay down and die as so many men on tour are apt to do when facing one of the Fourhorse Men of Apocalypse. To be fair though, the top 4 are really that good.

This is not happening right now! When I count to 3, I am going to disappear!

In the 1^st set, Divadal broke early to go up 3-2 but Rosol broke back immediately and perhaps then, we knew the Czech meant business. They held serve to go into a tiebreaker, which in and of itself was epic but Divadal was able to close it out 11-9 and bag the 1^st set. One felt like this was going to turn into another Thomaz Bellucci match where the player has a good start but cannot sustain the momentum and then gets whitewashed.

In your face mofo!!

However, Rosol broke Divadal at love in the very first game back as Divadal double faulted on break point. Rosol would hold serve for the rest of the set NEVER facing break point taking it 6-4. What is remarkable is the fact that he did a similar thing in the 3^rd set; break early and hold serve  to close out the set 6-4. Divadal never had a break point…I doubt he even got any games to deuce. Fans at home watching or following on twitter or even following on RealzTenisFanz facebook page were at a standstill. I mean the Lochness Monster vs Ivo the Giant provided a lot of tension and drama already added to that that there were several other men’s matches that were proving to be watch worthy because NO ONE imagined that Rosol could really pull this off. Beat Lord Clay Divadal, 2 time Wimbledon champ in the 2^nd round? NEVER. Divadal was mad, she was angry, she damn near had a BF (bitch fit) on court. Who the fcuk do you think you are Rosol? She rolled on the ground, she complained to the chair umpire that Rosol was being noisy and making distracting movements.

She was a hot mess out there. Divadal you flexible! Gurl, we do not carry on like this on Centre Court. Look at that face….you know them legs be up like antennas when Mrs. Monadal comes around!

There is a pain, in my brain…why won’t it rain because I am going down the drain

She gritted and grunted…she even bumped into Rosol a la Irina Spirlea at the 97 US Open versus our own Russ Troll Venus Williams and we all know how that ended. Ebony Starr crushed that skank and moved on to her 1^st US Open final. Divadal was losing dirty. No bueno for a Lady of your standing Divadal. No muy bueno. Nevertheless, in the end, Divadal was down 2-1 sets and she had to get it to a 5 setters in order to move on. I think what was even more disastrous in her mind was the fact that she almost lost in straight sets. But Divadal is a Dragon and is not easily slayed.

I’m sorry…Bitch!
Spanish Skank!

In the 4^th set, Divadal was on fire. Snapped popped and crackled her way to break Rosol 2 times, something he had not done since the 1^st set. She had the 4^th 6-2 and they play in the 5^th. And then, the organizers decided to close the roof and put the Diva in a box. Oh no…no no no no no….. the diva got mad but she dared not get bad because men are walking a very thin line right about now because of silly Nalbandian’s crazy behaviour couple of weeks ago. She had to simmer and stew out there as there was a near half an hour delay to close the roof and get the AC on…you know how Europeans are kinda anti anti-perspirant. I jest! I jest! Anyway, it would have been hotter than a mofo up in there so they had to get the air on. Divadal was not liking that. Anyway, they got things on the way again. I sat with bated breath because I thought for sure, the Divadal Dragon was going to take the nuclear option and just blaze his way through to the end.

Divadal the Dragon rose up

However, it was not to be. Rosol went back to the original scripts of the 2^nd and 3^rd set; break Divadal early and hold serve. And that he did. In the very 1^st game, Divadal was broke and she was fuming. She had committed no errors in the 4^th and now things were back where they were early in the match; Rosol was dictating play. Divadal got things to 4-5 and one though…NO WAY that Rosol can close this one out… the Choker express will soon be boarding and Rosol will be chief engineer but at 5-4! Rosol got things underway with a BOMB of an Ace in Divadal’s face. 15-0. He missed his 1^st serve but found his 2^nd serve and went with a ferocious forehand to go 30-0. The crowd was out of control and commentators were at a lost to find words to describe this moment. It was near pandemonium when Rosol aced Divadal again and was at 40-0; triple match point! Then Rosol ACED Divadal for the 22^nd time and take the match. All hell broke loose! This was good… this was very very good.

This is not happening!

i am FABULOUS bitches!!!

Take your handbag and get outta here! A Diva Dejected

Now understand I am not excited because Divadal lost and I am not his greatest fan. I am happy because it broke up the monotony of the same players coming into the semifinals. It may be that one of the other three might win this thing but at least, the chances of the other players winning a major has increased. Adios Divadal. Now you can go back home and watch Spain take on Italy in Euro final. Also you have a 2^nd chance as the Olympics are coming to Wimbledon in three weeks’ time. You will be all right. Humble pie can be delicious with a nice cup of calming tea and you would be all right.

Lochness Monster clawed his way into the 3rd

Anyway, this is not even the only match that was played. Things are very hot and heated right now between Ivo the Giant aka Ivo Karlovic of Croatia and Wimbledon. He played their favoured son Lochness Monster and got called for 11 double faults. Now, Ivo is a serving monster. This mofo can serve for his motherfcuking life. He pays his rent with the number of aces he get per match/per tournament. Now, Ivo claims that whenever he held the advantage, they would call a foot fault and many, the calls were very suspect. Ivo lost 5-7 7-6 2-6 6-7 and Lochness Monster moves on and is heavily favoured to make it to the finals since Divadal got bounced out of the tournament. Now, I want to say this and I have been saying this since US Open 2009. The tennis organizers need to have cameras on court so that players can challenge foot faults. It is ridiculous to think that you can have the balls being questioned and not whether your foot crossed the line. The umpire is hardly looking at their feet and once that foot fault call has been made, the players are screwed. It cannot be challenged and you are at a disadvantage.

WTF?? WTMFF?? Do I need to bring my club to these matches

When the Serenanator when into her court rage at the linesjudge, she was right. She did not foot fault and what is even worse, the linesjudge did not lose their job. In FIFA (football or soccer head body) if the officials are fcuking up, they are sent home. No questions asked. It is high time tennis gets it act together. The same chair umpires are circulating and they have been many many many egregious officiating and nothing is done about the matter. People ignore them and claim that the bad calls even out throughout the match…BULLSHIT in the highest degree. The game should be played fairly and squarely. You win what you earned. The winner is decided by a point…the match point and tennis is a high mental sport. Bad calls change the players’ attitude on court. They feel slightest and stop relying on muscle memory to focus on every aspect of their game which often times, severely throw them off their original game play. ITF/WTA/ATP, cameras for freaking cheap. Stop this shite show. Get the challenge system on every court that is being used for the tournament and also get challenge system for foot fault. STOP with this guidelines bullshit and get actual rules including for time violations.

Prince Ali, fabulous he…

All for you babe

Anyway, other winners include Jo-Willi Tsonga aka Baby Ali who had to get it done in 4 sets as did Del Potro who apparently took a mental stroll in the 3^rd set but closed it out against Go Soeda of Japan. Fiery Ferrer also won his match as did Kei Nishikori, American Brian Baker who is showing himself to be a reliable American male player, Frodo Goffin, Mardy former Whale Fish who dropped the ball big time in the 4^th set but was able to pull it out in the 5^th against British hopeful James Ward 6-3. Malisse did the world a favour by knocking out Gilles Simon in straight sets 6-4 6-4 7-6. Simon has made himself a target with his recent comments about men should be paid higher than women. I have an interesting take on this subject but right now, I cannot discuss as I am way behind again. Tabasco Verdasco is finding success here on grass unlike his recent clay court season. He moves onto the 3^rd round as is Marin Cilic, Philipp Kohlschreiber who will play Rosol in the 3^rd round and Alejandro Fall who again played another 5^th set to move to the 3^rd round. American Andy Roddick aka Mr. Brooklyn Decker 3 time Wimbledon finalist (2004-2005, 2009) also won in straight sets. He is a very dangerous floater. This might be his last Wimbledon in case you did not know and he would love to go out with a Wimbledon trophy. Unfortunately, my boo Delicitrov pulled out yet again of a tournament giving former Wimbledon semifinalist in 2006 if I am not mistaken, Fatdatis a chance to equal that performance.

You poor sweet thing… I will give you a rub down and you’ll be happy in the end

Undoubtedly, the ladies could not provide anywhere near this sort of excitement that the men produced. Shriekapova who had to finish up her 2^nd round match, dropped the 2^nd set 6-7 and you thought that Pironkova was going to make things interesting in the 3^rd. However, the only thing that was interesting was what she was going to have on her bagel. Shriekapova moved on 7-6 6-7 6-0. I do not know why she even bothered to waste the Russian’s time by taking the 2^nd set. Anyway, Kvitova won her match knocking out Elena Baltacha of England 6-0 6-4.

GWH is lurking in the dark ready to cast a spell on anyone in her path

Heather Watson remains the only British gal in the draw by making the 3^rd round and she is not going to the Olympics. The Serenanator sunk Melanie Czink as did Lucic who took out Fatoli in straight sets. Carebear Kerber and fellow German Julia Goerges also won. Vickie who has been relatively quiet this tournament also won her match. Shvedova, Wickmayer, Zakopalova, Ivanovic the Terrible, Sara Alien v Predator Head, Schiabone, Fatrova and Paszek also moved on. Former Wimbledon semifinalist Zheng Jie also moves on as did Roberta Vinci and Christina McHale and fellow American Varvara Lepchenko.

Gurl your make up is fabulous! Who put it on, Bozo the clown?

Some very interesting matches coming up…The conclusion of the Raonic vs Querry match…ACES GALORE! Mommie Dearest vs Vera Zvonareva, Bratzwanska vs Heather Watson, Almagro vs Gasquet (battle of the one handed backhand) Carebear vs McHale, Stephens vs Lisicki and Troicki vs Mrs. Monadal.  DON’T FORGET TO SPREAD THE WORLD ABOUT REALZ!!!

WTF??

Hey gurl meet my boy toy! Rrrrrrr

Next time I have to bring my clutch…I can’t handle these handles on this murse!

This went from this…

To this… hmmmm how you doing?

To this… and we all know what’s going to happen next… gaynesia

Wimbledon 2012: Day 2

Realz coming at your from the grass courts of Wimbledon

There was a contest on Centre Court yesterday between GHW (Grand High Witch) aka Petra Kvitova, reigning Wimbledon ladies champ and Argul Amanmuradova. It was not a beauty contest by any stretch of the imagination but we are not here in England to settle superficial disputes; we are here to play sports. GHW started off badly enough down 1-4. However, she got her life together and won the match 6-4 6-4! Title defense in full effect…and we are back on the broom. Kvitova has not played well on regular tour level events but she has made it to the semis of the last two majors. So she will not be one to slight over at these championships.

Grand High Witch Kvitova

Amanmuradova looking like a dementor with her huge self or perhaps Madame Maxime

Mere happenstance that this famous author is on hand to watch GHW match?…Hmmm

Vera Zvonareva who had to complete her 1^st round match today and took out Moaning Mona Barthel 6-4 in the 3^rd set. The 2010 Wimbledon finalist is struggling to regain the sort of form that saw her as a regular fixture in the 2^nd week at majors. The Serenanator and Vickie also had their 1^st round matches today and they both made it look like work. They won the 1^st comfortably but in the 2^nd they were struggling though they both won it 6-4. I for one think Vickie should go back to her shorts and the Serenanator, hopefully she saw a shrink or some exorcist to help deal with the demons that run amok in her life as of late.

The Serenanator trying to find her way back to major winning form

Other winners include, Schiabone who found herself in a tough battle against British youngster, Laura Robson. And speaking of British ladies, Anne Keaothavong won another match 6-3 6-3. Finally! Apparently, my lil rant during the French Open help or perhaps, it is the Olympics coming to town that has these British gals trying to give the home crowd something to cheer about as Elena Baltacha also won. Both Baltacha and Keaothavong got wild card entrants into the Olympics games. Personally, I would have given one of those wild cards to Heather Watson and the other perhaps to Robson. I think Watson is the only one of the British gals who appear as though their main interest is tennis.

Yeah I finally won a match at a major this year

Aleksandra Wozniak aka Cookie Monster’s lil sister won as did Fattychunkova, Fatoli who is definitely losing weight, American Christina McHale who is never trustworthy with a lead but found a way to win today. She will join fellow American Lepchenko and Wickmayer who beat Kuzi-Rex. Now, you know I am not a huge fan of Kuzi-Rex but I do not hate her. However, she really gets me mad. I do not understand why it is that she is playing so poorly as of late. There is no effort on her part these days and it is really disgusting to see a two time major winner who is not suffering from any known aliments, act as though she just got on the tour. Really disappointing.

Hmmm I change my mind… he looks more like an ostrich and they got small brains but he might do in a pinch. It looks like something milky is leaking out of your mouth…hmmm

On the men’s side, well things started to get interesting when Thomaz Bellucci raced off to a 4-0 lead over Lord Dirt Divadal. The Brazilian is a brilliant young talent but you know how these young guns often times shoot blanks. No sooner did Beaulucci (I saw recent pictures of him and I am not so sure I am feeling him much anymore. I will pass!) anyway… no sooner did Bellucci get the double break than he gifted them right back to Divadal. He was able to push to a tiebreaker where the shite show continued. Bellucci did not win a single point in the tiebreaker and only won 5 more games for the rest of the match. Divadal 7-6 6-2 6-3. Now it might seem that Divadal has fashioned himself Bjorg hier apparent and takes Wimbledon very seriously. He has made it to the finals 5 times, winning the title twice. He is not here foro shits and giggles and he intends to lay waste to all who comes in his way. D’Joker Harlequeen is no longer the threat that he was last year. In their last 4 meetings, Divadal won 3 of them albeit they were all on clay. Nonetheless, he is looking for his 12^th major title and perhaps closing in on Mr. Federer’s record 16.

Lord Dirt Divadal with his face all contorted as though he has muscular dystrophy.

Lochness Monster had his 1^st round match against the one time top player Nikolay Davydenko. Not so long ago, Davydenko was a feared individual capable of silencing any and all of the top men. Now, he is a mere white shadow of himself, struggling to win tour level matches much more those at majors. Lochness Monster chewed him up 6-1 6-1 6-4. Baby Ali aka Tsonga faced the 2002 Wimbledon champion in Hewitt. However, on the 10^th year anniversary of his victory, Baby Ali gave the Australian a gift of time but sending him off in the 1^st round for celebrations 6-3 6-4 6-4. And speaking up 2002, Hewitt is currently ranked 202 and I believe, with lost, he might be playing challengers next week. Perhaps he might consider retiring and helping Beth with the kids. In any case, most fanz would not miss him…I know I won’t. He could also mentor that hog of a child in Bernard Tomic. Someone needs to reign in that douchebag before he spills all over the place.

Lochness Monster thinks this might be the year for him!

And speaking of the idiot, he played David Goffin, the very same one who gave Mr. Federer all sorts of trouble at the French. Tomic won the 1^st set 6-3 but from then all, the Hobbit worked his magic and claimed the next three 6-3 6-4 6-4. With these Aussie losses, it means no Australian man is in the 2^nd round of a major. I believe that may not have ever happened… LOL actually, it has not happened in a long long time. However, before I got on a rampage on Australian tennis, consider that the US hardly has any strong male contenders these days and Switzerland only in essence have Mr. Federer and Fatanka. I think Australia is struggling with its own history and they should consider addressing this problem more proactively instead of hoping for the next Laver or Rafter to rise up out of the rashes of their once former tennis empire.

B gurl, might I suggest a cup because you surely need to tuck. I can offer you a thimble because from the looks of things, we all know you are not nimble. At first I thought it was a tick then I realise, boy it’s your dick. It won’t take long because gurl…you sure ain’t hung..looks more like you got stung! So put your dong in a thong because we don’t want to see it around.

Beast Boy Del Potro won his match as did Delicious Dmitriov. Marin Cilic, Fatdatis, Dolgopolov aka BWLLAGWLLAB, Nieminen who took out the hotness in FeFe Lopez, Mardy Fish, Kei Nishikori, Nicolas Almagro and Philipp Kohlschreiber who took out Tommy Haas, 2012 Halle winner over Mr. Federer, in 5 sets. So all in all, this day did not really see any major upsets like the 1^st day did. The usual suspects are through to the 2^nd round and still the 3^rd day is set to start and all the 1^st round matches have not been completed.

Oh delish Dimi

My word… I need to learn Spanish… FeFe Lopez is definitely incentive enough… Muy muy bueno y caliente

You just want one night with me? For realz, I would turn your world upside down!

When will Wimbledon learn about scheduling in light of the fact that matches are getting longer and the slightest bit of rain halt matches completely? These majors are overdoing a good joke but we do not have time for this right about now. Do not forget to comment and spread the word about us.

Is this Mirka with another man? Scandal! Scandal! While Mr. Federer is off on the practice courts, you shacking up with some man who reeks of poverty. Skank!

What do you mean I can’t change my bra on court? I am motherfcuking Lord Dirt Divadal. I can do whatever I want.

Look at that beautiful uncomfortable smile. D’Stove as always looking like she’s about to take a shite…

I’m sorry I can’t hear you. Some man is cursing me out…

Yes I am talking to you, you stinking motherfcuker with the purse. Turn off your fcuking phone when I am playing. I’ll whip my dcik out and bitch slap you with it.

2012 French Open: The Fifth Day

So we are barely in the 2^nd round and there are no Williams sisters: Hmmm. This might be the beginning of the end for the sisters. However, I am not going to count them out. They are still more than capable of playing the type of tennis that can win majors and get their fan base excited again. Are other American ladies going to step up to the plate now? Nonetheless, there were 128 ladies who started this tournament so there are a lot of other girls to talk about.

I have been brewing up some spells for this one and I intend to cast them at this tournament

Petra Kvitova aka GHW is showing good form thus far and might be able to do something here if she gets her act together. She is capable doing great walkabouts in matches. She would be a point from victory and then inexplicable start making errors as if that were the original game plan. The WTA really needs to rethink their policy about no juniors on tour because like I have said, these young guns are mostly shooting blanks. Anyway, she took on Urszula Radwanska the younger and I daresay better looking sister of Bratzwanska. Unfortunately, Urszula plays like a sea urchin. She has nowhere near the talent or court skills of her sister. She should hang with big sister more often though. Anyway, GHW was all Bellatrix on court as she just blasted the Pole 6-1 6-3.

The Radwanska sisters

Schiabone also came through though in 3 sets. For almost a set and a half, Pironkova (Ebony Starr’s kryptonite) looked like she was going to put a stop to Schiabone’s French Open success but you know the Italian loves the heroics. She won comfortable in the end 2-6 6-3 6-1. Her backhand is most deadly on clay and she is a great mover with great court sense. As much as I am not a fan of the Italian bambino, she is definitely confident about her game.

Schiabone might be on her way to a third successive French Open final

Other winners include, defending champion LiNaLi who just dispatched French opponent 6-0 6-2, showing the world how is it that she won a major and might quite possibly win again. Arantxa Rus (pronounced Rue if I am not mistaken) from the Netherlands created some stir her last year when she just blasted the Belgian Mommie Dearest from the court. Kim was serving for the match I think up 5-2 when all of a sudden she had a brain diarrhea and allowed the Dutch to get back into the match and take the match. I know one of Kimmie’s biggest fanz was not pleased with this result. He refers to her as that “Rus creature” I have to agree to a certain extent because last year she looked like somewhat anorexic. Anyway, it seems that she was filled out this year and found her stride again at the French Open. She took on Virginie Razzano who took out the Serenanator couple of days ago. Rus having been given a draw without a Serenanator, took full advantage and dismissed Razzano like the low ranked player she is. She did not mess around. She stayed focus and played her game, which looked rather impressive at times 6-3 7-6. However, consistency is the name of the game on the WTA and few players are that these days. Julia Goerges (25) beat British Heather Watson and joins her countrywoman Carebear Kerber (10) in the 3^rd round.

2011 French Open Champion

American Christina McHale beat fellow American Lauren Davis and is through to the 3^rd round of the French for the 1^st time. Also through were Kaia Kanepi (23) and Anastasia Pavlyunchenkova aka Fattychunkova (22). By way of upsets, Maria Krazilenko (16) is out as is the 19^th seed Fivehead Jungle Witch. I cannot tell the last time this girl won two matches in a row. She might want to find new coaching or something. She most definitely is out of it as of late. She lost to the American Varvara Lepchenko who just played well within herself and kept cool on pressure. Very impressive win by my standard. Anyway, enough of the ladies to the menz:

Fiveheads and not one of them can help me win 2 matches back to back

Now I am not going to lie, I am not an Andy Murray aka Lochness Monster fan. I do not like his vibe. I think he is cocky piece of work who really and truly has a weiner. Anyway, as much as I admire his tennis talents, (amazing backhand especially down the line, his fitness and his deft hands at net) I cannot stand his on court attitude. He is always spluttering around like a child, cursing and irritable as hell. In short, I really think he is just immature and cannot hang with the top 3. Hence, why he is miles away from them in the rankings. Anyway, in his 2^nd round match, he played Jarkko Nieminen of Finland and Jarkko came out blazing, hitting the corners and playing aggressively on the big points and it was all playing dividend. The Finn went up 4-0. Now, Lochness Monster called for the trainer for his back before the changeover. I do not understand how the umpire allowed this to happen. Of course, this is because it is one of the big boys on tour. Anyway, this broke, Nieminen’s concentration and he was broken 4-1. Now comes the changeover and another massage on court for the Scot. This is some bullshite. Anyway, the Finn won the set 6-1 but you know this good fortune was about to run out. Lochness Monster came roaring back to win the match 1-6 6-4 6-1 6-2. Now mind you that Nieminen had his chances especially in the 2^nd set, I really cannot get over how Nessie just pulled that sorta bullshite in the 1^st set. He always go for these types of histrionics at majors to speak of his physical prowess but when it comes to the big matches, he is as weak as water. The wanker! Anyway, Nieminen is not that good of a player to beat the Scot on a good day but still he did not deserve that sort of underhand play. Furthermore, Lochness Monster was roaring all the time and no one called a hindrance against him. Can I get a sexist? Can I get an Amen?

We take care of the menz out here! He needs a back rub, he needs a back rub.

Anyway, Baby Ali came through in 4 sets to remain France’s strongest hope of winning a major, as did Richard Gasquet as he defeated hottie Delicious Dimitrov. Dimitrov won the 1^st set but could not sustain the high level of play needed to defeat a skilled player as Gasquet. Divadal was impressive as ever as he took out Denis Istomin 6-2 6-2 6-0. Divadal is looking as confident as ever on his forte surface. He is playing like the D’Juggernaut out here. Seemingly unstoppable. I really cannot imagine anyone winning three sets off him at this tournament yet I do not think his 7^th French Open title is a foregone conclusion. However, my feelings around things are just feelings and not foregone conclusions themselves. So we shall see at the end of next weekend. Other winners included Fiery Ferrer (6), Tipsarevic (5)aka Sexsarevic, Almagro (12), Youzhny (27), the young up and coming Milos Raonic from Canada (19) and Baby Jesus Juan Monaco (13). There were no real upsets on the men’s per se other than Viktor Troicki (28) lost to Fabio Fognini but I am not upset by this because Fognini is a hottie and Troicki ain’t all that. I rather watch the Italian than the Serb…..though I confess that this is not always the case. Anywho that concludes all of day 5 action…

Apparently you picking up where D’Joker left off with these stupid tacky designs? Good thing you are Sexsarevic

Wait a minute. I cannot believe that I almost concluded this edition and not mention the biggest match of the tournament if not the longest match. John Isner aka BFG (Big Friendly Giant) found himself in yet another marathon match with a Frenchman, Paul-Henri Mathieu. BFG has played his way up to number 10 in the world and shows himself to be apt to big boy status. He is working tremendously hard on his game and I admire him for that. However, he is not supposed to be in these long protracted matches. He is taking a play out of Mr. Brooklyn Decker’s book; ie, worry only about your serve and do not worry so much about the return. The law of average states that one cannot hit monster serves every single time. There are bound to be misses. That is what happens when one builds his game only on serves. They do not know how to return and get to break points. Mathieu on the other hand kept plugging away and sure enough if you keep at it, you will hit. BFG took the 1^st in a tiebreak but lost sets 2 and 3 to the Frenchman 4-6 4-6. BFG showed some stuff in set 4 and won 6-3.

BFG in full monster swing!

Listen mofos, I am not sitting my fat @$$ on that chair for days to watch you all play shite tennis for days. There will be no Wimbledon here. So you better take your pregnant looking yellow and blue ass and finish this match today.

Now it is in set 5 that things got really interesting. Mathieu served first, which gave him the advantage if he always hold serve because once at 5-4, Isner will be under pressure to serve to stay in the match. He did so nearly 14 times if my calculations are correct, saving several match points along the way. However, he started to look tired and near cramping. He also never really put in much effort to breaking the Mathieu. I am not sure what it was that he expected to happen if he was not trying to make something happen. In the end however, the Frenchman proved to be stronger both mentally and physically. He got the set 18-16. BFG would do well to work on both his fitness and return game because to do so would see his ranking rise.

Holla back babe. One for the French

You didn’t look so tall from the other end!

BIG PICTURE SHOW

Hotties

Arantxa Rus. I think Ken got Barbie high in Holland and she left the love child over there.

If you are in fact a creature… you are without a doubt a very lovely creature

Klara Zakopalova is clearly beautiful

How many licks to get to the center of my tootsie pop?

Though a bit of a butter face, we never hate on the skinny itches especially those with washboard stomach (You might want to stay out in the sun more often without a shirt)

Notties

Look like a man and think like a lady! I’m telling you, it is the secret to my success.

Just in time for theatrical release this Belgian tennis star is..

Bringing classic literature to the big screen…David Goffin is

Mixed Bag

There have been a lot of questionable outfits on tour but I think one might have to be called an enigma..

I am all for equal rights to the disable and everything but I mean if you are blind can you really play tennis?

Girl I could have sworn I put that tampon in here. Well you better hurry up because clay isn’t going to be the only thing red around here!

This is Laura Flessel. She is an Olympic Fencer and will be the flag bearer for France at the London Games and decided to catch a lil tennis. So Laura gurl, the shoes is a bit much but what is even more egregious is that you wearing sandals and you didn’t lotion those paws! Come on gurl..we know better. No Bueno!

I wonder if he would give me his number after the match!

RE-JECTED!

SEXY TIME WITH LOCHNESS MONSTER

Foreplay

Stretching the back? Or so it seems. Now you see the hands

Now you don’t see one of the hands…skills!

Finish it off here!

BABY ALI not to be OUTDONE

Yes M’am! My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!

Shake that thing! Ms. Annabella shake that thing!