Wimbledon 2014: Day 2

Day 2

So here we are with Day 2 at the 2014 Wimbledon Championships. Nearly all matches were completed and most of the big names got through to the 2^nd round. However, there were some upsets mostly on the women’s side. The men seem to be in it for the money; 1^st round money is very good but 2^nd round money is even better.

Divadal finally made it to the 2nd round of a grass court tournament

Divadal (2) won his 1^st round match … well that is to say that he finally won a match on grass. He took out Martin Klizan 4-6 6-3 6-3 6-3. Interestingly enough they met last year at the French Open in the 2^nd round. The scoreline was the same. Klizan had his chances to do much more but he could not execute on the big points. Divadal does not look so smooth but it does not matter. A win is a win. You don’t win a major in the first week but you sure can lose one. Things are even more interesting because guess who Divadal is playing in the 2^nd round …. None other than Lukas Rosol himself; the man who started Divadal’s troubles on grass back in 2012 when he dismissed him at Wimbledon in the 2^nd round. After that loss, Divadal disappeared from tour claiming “The Knees were acting up.” He returned to the tour in February 2013. Divadal did not lose a single match on hard court all of 2013. Now I am not starting any rumours here, I am just stating facts. Rosol took out French hotness Benoit Paire in his opening round match 6-3 3-6 7-6 6-4. It is very very very very unlikely that Rosol will score another upset but non-fanz of Divadal will be ever hopeful that lightening will strike twice.

SHIT! I thought I was going to get that upset today

Anyway we digress, Baby Ali (14) finished up his match against Meltdown by serving it out at love 6-1 3-6 3-6 6-2 6-4. When rain interrupted play on Monday, Baby Ali was up 5-4 in the 5^th. Also finishing up his match was Sam Querrey aka The Grinch. He knocked out fellow American Bradley Klahn 6-7 6-4 6-1 7-5.

Even though he only played one game today, you know we hardly need an excuse to show Baby Ali

Mr. Federer (4) won his match with relative ease 6-1 6-1 6-3. He took out Italian Paolo Lorenzi. Mr. Federer had 9 aces, 40 winners and 20 errors. However, a lot of those errors came about as a result of poor execution. I can’t deal with a sloppy Federror. He needs to do better. His level of play will suffice for the scrubs and lower tiers of the ATP but when he meets the likes Goonie Gulbis, Divadal et al, it will not hold up at all. Nonetheless we move on: Fellow Swiss player, Stan the Man (5) or “Stanimal” as he being called… for me Wawrinka cannot be a “Stanimal” when he is losing regular tour matches to scrubs on a regular basis. When he has multiple majors and master series title, then he’ll be “Stanimal” for now he is just “Stan the Man” who beat Divadal’s @$$ in the Aussie Open final causing Divadal to claim “bad back.” Anyway, Stan the Man took out hotness Joao Sousa 6-3 6-4 6-3. Stan had 18 aces. That’s some big boy serving.

Mr. Federer

Stan the Man

Other seeded players who won include up and coming contenders Milos Raonic aka Dennis the Menace (8), BFG Isner (9), Kei Nishikori (10), Richard Gasquet (13) who needed 5 sets to get rid of his opponent, James Duckworth 6-7 6-3 3-6 6-0 6-1. Jerzy Janowicz (15) also needed 5 sets to get past Somdev Dewarman 4-6 6-3 6-3 3-6 6-3. FeFe Lopez (19) who must be super exhausted having played two weeks of tennis coming into this tournament. Lopez won three tiebreaker sets to move through to the 2^nd round. Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) won in straight sets as did Beetlejuice (24). Tommy Robredo (22) won his 1^st round match in 4 sets.

I gotta say that one arm bit looks really cool on Dennis the Menace Raonic

Several players of interest also won today including Nick Kyrgios of Australia (a hottie, if you like that thickish of Greek and Malay heritage) and fellow Aussie Llyeton Hewitt. Gilles Muller who took out Andy Roddick in 2005 1^st round also won as did American Jock Sock, Lukas Kubot, quarterfinalist here last year, Jarrko Nieminen and Mikhail Kukushkin. There were several upsets including unseeded Alejandro Falla who did well on the grass leading up to Wimbledon; he lost in straight sets to Ante Pavic of Croatia. Guillermo Garcia-Lopez (28) lost to Dusan Lajovic in 5 sets; Ivo Karlovic (29) lost in straight sets to Franck Dancevic and Dimitri Tursunov (32) lost to Denis Istomin. So that’s about it for the men’s.

BFG Isner will now be known as the Troll

Oh I just want to point you to a story regarding John Isner aka BFG … (See link below) http://trollandgarros.tumblr.com/post/89253044033/isner-puts-his-white-privilege-on-display-says-the  It is a really good read. See I really have an issue with Isner’s comments. First off, I do not know why or how he felt he had the necessary “credentials” to weigh in on this matter. However, I like the fact that the author of this piece served up some “truth tea detox” Second since I am in FULL agreement … well let me know say full but I am with the author on many of his salient points AND also somewhat dismayed by Isner’s ensuing comments when others tried to enlighten him; I am going to change Isner’s name. From henceforth, BFG which means Big Friendly Giant will just still be “Troll” or perhaps “Mountain Troll” I would really like to hear from you on this matter. I do not understand how people can think “Redskins” is okay to be calling a professional football time. I mean I do not even know why the sport is even called “football” but we not even going to touch that one.

BFG is now a Troll

On the women’s side: The Serenanator (1) is looking good. She had a tough opening service game which took her 10 minutes to complete. She later said that she played well but the girl was hitting some good shots. Anyway, the demons did not come out because the Serenanator was all over Ana Tatishivili as she took her out 6-1 6-2. She had 31 winners of which 16 were aces and 13 unforced errors. Those are some healthy numbers; very very healthy and positive. Hopefully she keeps this up because the road ahead is going to be intense and there can be no letting up of the focus and intensity.

The Serenanator is ready to do battle at Wimbledon

Simona Halep (3) who I swear looks like the Koolaid Juice Jug (I know it is wrong but I swear it is what comes to mind every single time) also had a quick affair on the court. She moved through in straight sets as did Bratzwanska (4), Shriekapova (5) who is supposedly looking good 6-1 6-0 but judging by the numbers, 13 winners, 9 errors, 3 aces and 5 double faults, 43% on 2^nd serve, I am going to say “meh.” This is Shriekapova just handling the Lady planktons with her usual ruthless flair. Carebear Kerber (9) took out lil sis Radwanska in straight sets also. Ivanovic The Terrible (11) was almost in trouble against Francesco Schiabone. However, it seemed as though Schiabone had other ideas in mind than winning the big points. Maybe it was the longer hair or the slight attempt to feminize herself that was mucking up her game. Who knows and who cares? Anyway, Ana won in straight sets. 2013 finalist Sabine Losicki (19) also won in straight sets. The German took out Israeli Julia Glushko 6-2 6-1.

I think Shriekapova is going to a picnic or something with that much bags

Other seeded players who came through include Genie Bouchard (13), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16), Kristopher Flipkens (24) last year’s semifinalist, Cornemort (25) and Klara Koukalova (31) who took out American Taylor Townsend in straight sets 7-5 6-2. Other winners of interest are Jie Zheng, Madison Keys who took out another young hopeful Monica Puig in straight sets, Varvane Lepchenko who dismissed Tsetvana Pironkova (Granny Vee thanks you Lepchenko), Heather Watson of England, Belinda Bencic of Switzerland and Camila Giorgi of Italy.

Bye Gurl Pironkova! Bye!

There were several key upsets on the ladies side biggest of which was Fivehand Jungle Witch Jankovic (7) who was dismantled by Kaia Kanepi, quarterfinalist here last year. Kanepi took care of business 6-3 6-2. Fattychunkova (26) lost in 3 sets to American Alison Riske as did fellow Russian Kuzi Rex (28) who lost to Michelle Larcher De Brito. Roberta Vinci (21) and doubles partner Sara ETranni (14) will be concentrating solely on doubles this Wimbledon as they were both booted out of the singles draw in three sets. Vinci lost to Donna Vekic 4-6 6-4 4-6 and ETranni lost to Caroline Garcia 6-2 6-7 5-7. Sorana Cirstea (29) was also sent packing when she lost to American qualifier Victoria Duval 4-6 6-3 1-6. American Christina McHale was also dismissed.

I was this close to winning the match!

Kuzi-Rex what a disappointment!!

Anyway, that’s all folks … Day 3 action will feature Lochness Monster, Djoker, Granny Vee, GHW Kvitova, Tampomic, Maria’s hangbag Dimitrov, Bratzwanska, Berdshite and many others… So PLEASE check us out. DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT even if just about the pictures…

So Bartoli showed up on Centre Court and she was all teary eye … I too got all teary eye watching this hideous outfit unfold (White and off white lace combination and the necklace #icant)

Now I don’t want to hate but really gurl? Really? Those shoes? I think they are to hide her infamous cankles but still

Even Lisicki is like WTF?? Gurl what happened? Those shoes honey are just You look…you look… you look so plentiful. Eating well in retirement I see”  Meanwhile, what is that stain on the bottom of that “dress” ? Actually, I don’t wanna know

Joao Sousa from Portugal

Martin Klizan, you might be a loser in the 1st round but you’re a winner in our hearts here at Realz… and we have a “special prize” for you

You lost on the tennis court today Daniela but you’re definitely winning in fashion court

Veteran hottie around these parts is looking a bit weathered but he can still get it

We don’t even know his name and we’re not even trying to find out either….What we need to know is where he’s staying

Lisicki looking cute as ever … we’re gonna ignore the snaggletooth

Beetlejuice… gurl.. this is definitely not cute even by your standards

Beetlejuice got himself cornrows … Definitely has not improved his look but to be honest, it doesn’t hurt it either

Of course you we gotta talk about Carlo

Francisco is trying to give us femme realness

I’ve fallen….

And I can’t get up

Gurl, why you acting like a heifer eating the grass? We don’t behave like that at Wimbledon

Don’t you wish you had a sexy coach like me

Tiann, I think Danish Biscuit is saying hello to you …. and she’s being a bit insensitive about the matter

Hewitt is going all out to stay in the game

Mrs. Hewitt keeping tabs on her “investment” This mofo better not get injured again

Is Patrick M going to sing an aria?

He is channeling some soprano realness here

Cornemort had a nose bleed on court … blood magic I say … blood magic!!

Now we have discussed “Gayneisa” here before; where “straight” guys blame their homosexual tendencies on liquor. “I got really wasted with the guys again and then one thing (my pants) lead to another (their pants) and then another (the undies) and next thing you know, his penis was in my mouth and mine was in his. I don’t know why that keep happening. I sobered up and was like Broooo we are never doing this again”

Gaynesia is not to be confused with just being “gay” BIG DIFFERENCE

This is gaynesia. See the different? Good

 Now we have a new Realz term for you: “Gaylusion” this is where straight women cannot seem to see they’re a fag hag. I mean look at this scene. Holla if you believe there is a straight couple in the midst wearing a yellow shirt .. those two girls to the side in those short shorts may have just realized that this just might not be where they need to be at “Gurl, I don’t think any of these guys are our types. Really? Why you say that? Gurl look at the front row, it’s a men’s chorale up in here. Look at that soprano in the green shorts! We need to go.” Lady in the red cap, she definitely knows the dealio. Girls, these boys are strictly dickly! 

Meanwhile, YESSS I finally won a match on grass

Now check out my pocketbook. Isn’t it just FABULOUS

Simona Halep

The Koolaide Jug … enough said

 

US Open 2013: Day 4

Michelle Obama at the Open last Saturday… on fashion point as ALWAYS

So Day 4 at the US Open was a successful one. Despite it looking like the heavens were going to burst open, no rain fell to affect any scheduled play. As far as singles’ action go, I believe that all matches were played and completed. Also unlike the last major, Wimbledon, there have been very few retirements. I guess players are scrambling for the last stop to make big bucks, big points and also celebrity status. The US Open has as of late, perhaps because it is held in New York City, take on the feel of something akin the Grammys etc. Where tons of celebrities are floating around, lots of sponsors too and that unmistakable feel of entertainment energy,

 

This is Katie Couric, celebrity. See the problem here isn’t so much that she is wearing these pants as it is that she’s wearing these pants and wearing them in full confidence that they are the best thing ever. Boo, here’s a news flash…THEY’RE NOT!!! Stop having your children design your clothing

Before I move onto the real deal tennis, I just want to say WELCOME to any new FANZ who may be reading this blog. I hope you peruse at your leisure. Do understand that this blog does focus mainly on tennis but yet we cover so much more. It is structure (at least it is my intent) to capture tennis fans and non-tennis fans alike to reach that common goal of being a REALZ TENIS FANZ, which quite frankly is the best thing out there. DO NOT be intimidated if you are not a tennis fan because if you scroll through, you will be sure to find something that interests you in some form. There is also a Facebook Page, which I think would be more “user-friendly” as the blog might be a bit too “in-depth” for the non tennis fanz. There are tons of photos on it for your enjoyment. ALSO for the Realz fanz out there, PLEASE COMMENT and spread the word about this blog!!! You know how I am always begging for attention.

Divadal looking in his usual form

Anywho, on the men’s side, there were no upsets of note though Douchsarevic got through to the 3rd round much to my chagrin. Yeah I know, I said it. American Jock Sock who seems to go into hiding all year long only to come out for the US Open is also through to the 3rd round. I mean seriously, has this guy even won two matches on tour this year much more two in the same tournament? However, he will be getting a nice chunk of change for his effort though it could have been more. James Blake and Sock lost in the 1st round of doubles. I mean James, you could not even muster up some courage and had yourself a nice run here. WOW, sometimes, I think you suck badly out of spite. However, we are not here to discuss James Blake, he is gone. Au revoir.

Mr. Federer and Divadal Nadal moved through quite comfortably to the 3rd round. Divadal was showing all his gonads on court and Mr. Federer was looking impressively clean. They are on both side of the draw and scheduled to meet in the quarters if neither loses before then. Mr. Federer has not beaten Divadal in a major since 2007 if I am not mistaken and in the kind of form he is showing as of late, I doubt if 2013 will change that statistic. Needless to say, I am very unhappy about this prospect. Nonetheless, you know I love me some Mr. Federer and I will be waving his flag on his bandwagon until the very end and thereafter.

Daniel Evans through to the 3rd round… yeahhhh

Other usual suspects came through including Canadian Milos Raonic, Frenchman Richard Gasquet, Spaniards Tommy Robredo, resident hotties FeFe Lopez and Fiery Ferrer. I have also give a HUGE SHOUT OUT to my new boo Daniel Evans for disposing for the trash in the form of Bernard Tomic aka Tampomic. Evans who scored an upset in the 1st round when he ousted the 11th seed Kei Nishikori, is showing himself as a non-one hit wonder in beating Tampomic. Evans is playing his 5th consecutive match as he came through 3 rounds of qualifying to get to the main draw. Anyway, Evans is set to play Tommy Robredo in the 3rd and possibly Mr. Federer in the Round of 16 if both win their next scheduled match. So you know what that means Evanie boo….You have my complete support until you face Mr. Federer, at which point, I will be cheering for your utter destruction on court. Sorry boo but Mr. Federer was there way before you came. However, you can come anytime you like for me 🙂

Arghhhhhhhhhhh Beetlejuice in full effect

Anyway, the last match up of the day was BFG (John Isner) vs Beetlejuice (Gael Monfils). Now, I have never really been a fan of Monfils. I am sure he is great person off the court and if you love to party, he is definitely the guy to hang with. Though you should never be totally inebriated with him because he is the kinda guy that will cause the police to show up and though he is even more shit faced than you, he will still be able to talk the cops out of arresting him and there you are being carted off to jail and he is laughing his ass off. He also looks like a crazy prankster. Anyway we are so digressing right now. So I was saying that I have never been a huge fan of Monfils. However, last year, he earned my respect at the Aussie Open. Monfils showed a level of maturity I thought was way beyond him. I even complimented him on his 1st round match and commented on how mature he was in delving out a swift death to his opponent. But it seems as though no good deeds goes unpunished.

Fcuking crowd cheering on this French tool

Monfils’ behaviour in his match up against Isner was utterly RIDONCULOUS. What was even worst was that the American crowd was cheering on Monfils over their player. (There is a lot I want to say about this but I do not think this is the time to focus on such matters) Monfils was throwing himself all over the place as though the match was being placed on the beach. And that his classic clownfcukery was in full display. Yes it can be entertaining but when it comes to major play, Monfils needs to be more focus. He has shown himself to be quite capable of possibly contending for majors. However, his potential is being stifled by his immaturity on court. It was a virtual shitshow last night. He practically gifted the first 2 sets to Isner and then later on tried to show some of his real tennis. However, Isner was playing such a complete match. He was firing on all cylinders and took out Monfils in 4 sets. Thank you Isner, I could not stand to see such nonsense for too long. Hopefully Isner finds his stride again here at the Open and could… I so hope and pray….knock out Divadal in their possible 4th round encounter. Actually I do not care who takes out Divadal, just take him out of here.

In America, we say goodbye. So get outta here

Anyway, check out the men’s score line below.

Sela D. (Isr)	4	4	1
Tipsarevic   J. (Srb)	6	6	6
Rufin G. (Fra) Ret.	6	1
Tursunov D. (Rus)	7	1
Gasquet R. (Fra)	6	7	7
Robert   S. (Fra)	3	5	5
Bautista-Agut R. (Esp)	3	7	1	2
Ferrer D. (Esp)	6	6	6	6
Gonzalez M. (Arg)	6	6	5	2
Sock J. (Usa)	7	1	7	6
Haider-Maurer A. (Aut)	4	4	5
Kukushkin M. (Kaz)	6	6	7
Tomic B. (Aus)	6	3	6	3
Evans D. (Gbr)	1	6	7	6
Federer R. (Sui)	6	6	6
Berlocq C. (Arg)	3	2	1
Mannarino A. (Fra)	7	7	6	6
Querrey S. (Usa)	6	6	7	4
Dodig I. (Cro)	6	6	6
Davydenko N. (Rus)	1	4	4
Roger-Vasselin E. (Fra)	3	2	7	2
Kohlschreiber P. (Ger)	6	6	5	6
Robredo T. (Esp)	6	6	6
Dancevic F. (Can)	4	4	1
Lopez F. (Esp)	6	7	4	7
Klahn B. (Usa)	4	6	6	5
Andujar-Alba P. (Esp)	1	2	4
Raonic M. (Can)	6	6	6
Silva D. R. (Bra)	2	1	0
Nadal R. (Esp)	6	6	6
Isner J. (Usa)	7	6	4	7
Monfils G. (Fra)	5	2	6	6

I’m just gonna take a lil nap and give this girl a slight chance to beat me

On the women’s side of the draw, things have been virtually quiet. But then again, 4th seed Sara Errani was howling on court in her defeat at the hands of her countrywoman Flavia Pennetta. Pennetta just dismantled Errani 6-3 6-1 I am not sure if I mentioned this earlier but Errani and her doubles partnership with Roberta Vinci might be in jeopardy as the two are fighting. Errani in her lost was crying that she did not want to be on court etc etc etc. Whatever Errani, you have it too good perhaps. I mean you have been able to make it to several major semis plus get to the finals of the French Open….something which considering your talent is actually beyond you. Yet you are complaining and trying to mess up the most successful thing you got. I am not interested in your tears. Save that drama for your mama but for the court.

It was not a good day for the Italian yesterday at all. She also will drop in rankings as she cannot defend her semifinal points from last year

Anyway, Carebear Kerber took out Bouchard of Canada who I think might be a talent to watch in the near future. She is pretty good and as you can see, she is not afraid of top players as she fought Serenanator in Montreal and now gave Kerber a big fight. American Christina McHale also won her match against Elena Svitolina but her countrywoman Victoria Duval who caused quite a buzz at the open when she knocked out Sam Stosur, succumbed to the pressure and was beaten by Daniela Huntuchova 6-2 6-3. In both sets, Duval was up a break but could not sustain her lead. It is also good to see that Daniela can win two matches back to back. She never fully realized her potential I think.

Duval was split in two yesterday by a seemingly in form Huntuchova

The Serenanator overcame a slow start to bagel her opponent in the 2nd set 6-3 6-0 meanwhile other notables such as Ana Ivanovic as well as her countrywoman Jelena Jankovic (Fivehead Jungle Witch), Kuznetsova, Kaia Kanepi, Petra Kvitova (surprise! surprise!), Sabine Lisicki, Roberta Vinci and Yaroslava Shvedova also came through in their matches. Shvedova faces the Serenanator in the next round. Should be an interesting match up. Maria Kirilenko took out the Portuguese player Maria Larcher de Brito 6-3 6-1. This is the same de Brito who took out the other Russian Maria, Maria Sharapova at Wimbledon. However, Kirilenko aka Krazilenko was sticking around for a possible upset. She just rolled out that final set breadstick like it was rushhour at Olive Garden. In other news, the Williams sisters are back playing doubles at this major. Yeah give Venus something to do. They won their 1st round match (6-7 6-0 6-3) against a Spanish duo which included Carla Suarez-Navarro who would have been Venus’s next opponent had she beaten Jie Zheng like she was suppose to have done. However, I am kinda glad that Venus lost now because I do not think she could have beaten Carla by herself and I could not deal with another Venus lost at the hands of his Lady Hobbit after the 2009 Australian Open 2nd round lost. I swear I had to lay Venus to rest in order to deal. She nearly killed me with that lost. Anyway, all the ladies’ score, after the jump.

Good Lord, the dress comes in different colours too..

Bouchard E. (Can)	4	6	3
Kerber A.   (Ger)	6	2	6
McHale C. (Usa)	6	3	7
Svitolina E. (Ukr)	4	6	5
Kanepi K. (Est)	6	6
Schmiedlová A. K. (Svk)	4	1
Kuznetsova S. (Rus)	6	4	6
Peng S. (Chn)	1	6	4
Makarova E. (Rus)	6	6
Mattek-Sands B. (Usa)	4	4
Nara K. (Jpn)	7	6
Cirstea S. (Rou)	5	1
Ormaechea P. (Arg)	2	3
Lisicki S. (Ger)	6	6
Safarova L. (Cze)	6	1	2
Vinci R. (Ita)	4	6	6
Shvedova Y. (Kaz)	6	6
Mayr-Achleitner P. (Aut)	2	3
Jankovic J. (Srb)	6	6
Kleybanova A. (Rus)	3	2
Pennetta F. (Ita)	6	6
Errani S. (Ita)	3	1
Cornet A. (Fra)	6	6
Tomljanovic A. (Cro)	2	2
Vesnina E. (Rus)	1	4
Knapp K. (Ita)	6	6
Williams S. (Usa)	6	6
Voskoboeva G. (Kaz)	3	0
Ivanovic A. (Srb)	6	6
Dulgheru A. (Rou)	2	1
Vekic D. (Cro)	2	1
Halep S. (Rou)	6	6
Kvitova P. (Cze)	6	6
Jovanovski B. (Srb)	2	4
Riske A. (Usa)	6	6
Barthel M. (Ger)	4	2
Glushko J. (Isr)	7	6
Vickery S. (Usa)	5	3
Kirilenko M. (Rus)	6	6
Larcher de Brito M. (Por)	3	1
Wozniak A. (Can)	3	1
Azarenka V. (Blr)	6	6
Giorgi C. (Ita)	6	7
Hsieh S-W. (Tpe)	4	6
Wozniacki C. (Den)	6	6
Scheepers C. (Rsa)	1	2
Hantuchova D. (Svk)	6	6
Duval V. (Usa)	2	3

Look who showed up to watch “her man” at the Open… It’s Xisca

And look who is happy to see her?

Look the camera…

Everyone fake laugh….

Kuznetsova, what the hell is this tragedy? I thought we were making progressing in the fashion department

Vickie why are you still wearing this ridiculous outfit?

Can someone explain to me this madness?

Kvitova, you are determined to cart around this muffin top no matter what right?

 

Ana why even though you’re flat chested, your boobs look lopsided?

Helloooooo? Is anything in there??? It sounds so hallow..

 

I wonder if my booty is bigger than the Serenanator’s?

Excuse you? You really wanna know?

 

HELLZ NOOOO

I am

A stinker…

a douche… a tampomic

and a tool

US Open 2013: Day 2

Things are well on their way at the Open. Day 2 was favourable weather

This entry is going to be a very very quick one. I am trying to stay on top of everything out here and really trying to discipline myself to be more focus because I lose a lot of time. So on Day 2 nothing of consequence happened per se. The USTA and the weather allowed all scheduled singles matches to be played including all incomplete matches from Day 1. I am not sure about the doubles event but then again, I hardly check on that end of the tournament. Some interesting results on the men’s side: Americans Jock Sock and Donald Young are through to the 2nd round. Young decimated his opponent, dropping just 2 games in the entire match and Sock was holding his own against an ailing Petzschner and got through when the German finally retired down 2-5 in the 3rd set.

Hold the applause please! I have a lot of catching up to do at this year’s open

By the way, while I have your attention, let me just say this. Mr. Federer is ranked 7 in the world. Yes 7 as in the number after 6 and before 8. Whenever I hear the number 7 and Mr. Federer in the same sentence, I think they are talking about 17 major titles, or 7 Wimbledon titles or even winning 7 matches at a major to win the title but never 7 and his ATP ranking. You know my heart almost failed. However, Mr. Federer has had a miserable year thus far. I think he may have won 1 title and his 2nd round loss at Wimbledon after being the defending champion coupled with his dismal performance in Europe thereafter to find his confidence. What he found at Gstaad and Hamburg were beatdowns at the hands of players he ordinarily eat up for a snack. He lost to Divadal in 3 sets in Cincinnati. So if there is ever a time Mr. Federer needs a miracle, it is here in NYC at the Open and you know I would be right here praying along with him.

Will it be the Djoker or Djuggernaut who shows up at this year’s US Open?

Lurch

Beetlejuice is BACK!!!

The usual suspects on the men’s side came and conquered. Mr. Federer of course, Djoker who was looking as polished as ever, Milos Raonic of Canada even Sam Querry  and John Isner got things going their way. Other winners include Tomas Berdych aka Lurch and Tommy “Head and Shoulders” Haas. Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice is looking fit as fiddle as he breezed through his match 6-1 6-2 6-0. Hopefully he is fully back on the tour; no injuries and no foolish heroics on the court.

Nicolas Almagro yet another wayward on tour since the dawning of Divadal

Undoubtedly there were those who saw it fit to slow the party. Jerzy Janowicz, the 14th seed, who I had high hopes for at these championships was ailing with his back and was dismissed in 3 sets. 28th seed Juan Monaco and 15th seed Nicolas Almagro were also bounced early from these games. Monaco may have been hurt but as for Almagro, this result is simply indicative of the sucky level of play he has been producing for a while now. I do not know what his deal is but he needs to get his life together.

I almost forgot that Mr. Sugapova, Grigor Dimitrov lost in 4 sets to a Portuguese hottie Joao Sousa in 5 sets.

I don’t know if it is too much sugar in his diet but Mr. Sugapova needs to his life together. He also needs to burn his shirt because it is giving me a seizure right now

See Men’s Day 2 results below.

T. Kamke	64	6	79	6
S. Johnson	77	4	67	2
N. Djokovic	6	6	6
R. Berankis	1	2	2
J. Vesely	2	2	78	5
D. Kudla	6	6	66	7
T. Berdych	6	6	6
P. Lorenzi	1	4	1
J. Monaco	4	2	0
F. Mayer	6	6	3
B. Becker	6	3	6	6
L. Rosol	3	6	3	4
D. Young	6	6	6
M. Klizan	1	0	1
N. Almagro	3	1	6	3
D. Istomin	6	6	4	6
T. Haas	6	6	6
P. Mathieu	4	4	1
J. Sock	77	3	5
P. Petzschner	62	6	2
Y. Lu	6	77	6
D. Gimeno-Traver	4	65	3
R. Federer	6	6	7
G. Zemlja	3	2	5
S. Giraldo	3	6	78	4	2
C. Berlocq	6	3	66	6	6
S. Querrey	77	4	6	6
G. Pella	63	6	1	2
R. Dutra Silva	4	3	711	6	712
V. Pospisil	6	6	69	2	610
J. Isner	6	6	6
F. Volandri	0	2	3

On the ladies side, things were also relatively quiet. Of course Petra Kvitova was dropping a set to some no name but she found herself and won in 3 sets. Petra has played 60 matches for the year and literally half of them have been 3 setters. It seems as it is all very true that she and Radek Stepanek are now an item. Petra I am telling you gurl, do not be a stupid itch….Leave that penis alone. It is addling your brains and clearly affecting your game. Soon he will have you barefoot and pregnant.

Oh Petra! Petra! Petra! Gurl get your life together

Vickie just killed her match as she double bagelled her opponent as did Sara Errani. Rumour has it that Errani and her doubles partner Roberta Vinci have a falling out. Leave it to women to always spoil a good partnership over some stupid bullshit. Anyway, there were some interesting match ups on Day 2 including Christina McHale v Julia Georges. The American won in straight sets 6-4 6-3. I think it is time we call off the search party who is looking for Julia to find her way on tour. We can officially call this one a non-factor at this point. Georges simply does not have what it takes to make a big name for herself. She is coming off as mediocre to the nth degree; scarcely worth mentioning these days.

Vickie I do not know who told you this lil number was a good idea but I’m gonna have to correct that let you know, this skirt is an EPIC FAIL. Go back to the pom pom shorts

Anywho, another interesting match was Bojana Jovanovski v Andrea Petkovic. They both share similar ethnic background who different nationalities. Petkovic is trying to find her game again but she will have to look for it elsewhere because it is not going to be found here at this year’s US Open. Bojana was all over her 6-2 6-4 in this match and Andrea just made far too many unforced errors.

Roberta, we spoke about making these faces outside in public. This is not okay! Look what you did to Daniela

OMG, I’m a gonna throw up

Some other winners of the day included Roberta Vinci, her countrywoman Flavia Pennetta, Daniela Hantucova, Ana Ivanovic who looked surprising not terrible in her 1st round match and also Moaning Mona Barthel. There were several upsets including that of the 20th, 17th and the 11th seed; Nadia Petrova, Dominika Cibulkova and Sam Stosur respectively. Nadia we are not really surprised that she lost and in straight sets too, which perhaps might be the only unexpected bit. However, she has been well off the plot for a long long time. Cibulkova, she can be either very hot or very cold. She knows no mid range and obviously she was very cold at this late summer slam. Sam Stosur on the other hand. Well, I do not even know what to say about her. She has great success here at the Open. She beat the Serenanator in 2011 and convincingly too but these days she is off in the outbacks of her mind. However, this summer, I thought she was getting her life together. She beat Vickie in California and for sure, I said, watch out for Sam at the Open. But you know how Sam is. She does everything to defy all expectations of her.

Victoria Duval in action against Sam Stosur

She played the young and upcoming American Victoria Duval who got her @$$ handed to her by Kim Clijsters in her last win at the Open in 2012. However, this year, Duval made sure she was not going to serve as a prop for Sam’s performance. She found Sam on every single point throughout the match and it paid dividends for her. She showed her “immaturity” at many stages of the match but in the end, she showed a level of steely nerves that I hope will carry her through to bigger and better things. She won 5-7 6-4 6-4. The last couple of games in the match were particularly tough but she held on. I can only hope that the US media does not kill this girl with hype.

This will undoubtedly be one of the memorable moments of this year’s championships. Victoria Duval. Now can we all agree to protect her from the crazy US media hype?

Anyway here are most of the ladies results.

2		V. Azarenka	6	6
		D. Pfizenmaier	0	0
21		S. Halep	4	6	6
		H. Watson	6	4	2
27		S. Kuznetsova	6	7
		M. Burdette	3	5
		S. Peng	6	6
		Y. Meusburger	3	4
		T. Pironkova	3	3
		A. Riske	6	6
		A. Wozniak	7	77
		V. Dolonc	5	65
		D. Vekic	77	4	6
		M. Duque-Marino	65	6	2
28		M. Barthel	6	6
		J. Larsson	1	4
11		S. Stosur	7	4	4
		V. Duval	5	6	6
4		S. Errani	6	6
		O. Rogowska	0	0
20		N. Petrova	3	4
		J. Glushko	6	6
		M. Sanchez	5	2
		D. Hantuchova	7	6
		C. Scheepers	2	6	6
		C. Simmonds	6	2	1
17		D. Cibulkova	4	3
		E. Svitolina	6	6
		M. Lucic-Baroni	4	4
		S. Vickery	6	6
26		A. Cornet	6	6
		M. Koehler	3	2

 

This is how you look when you on court and stuffing your face with a double bagel. (Vickie’s 1st round opponent)

See this is how Ivanovic The Terrible and I are always at odds with each other. She should be concentrating on her on court game instead of holding court with these men who have absolutely no interest in tennis and are just thinking about how they can pitch a “group play” session with all 4 of them to her

Can we just for a moment talk about this piece? WTF? is that a panty outline/silhouette on this thing? I mean seriously?

Rory has to shield his eyes from this filth

Maybe this is sleep deprivation at work here but I swear, Monfils is looking more put together….less Beetlejuicish here

Oh yes… Daniel Evans is shirtless… yessssssss

You know he’s thinking about me right here

See we have a problem here. This bushy tail rat got tickets to the US Open and I don’t. WTF??