RealTenisFanz Podcast #18: Federer lost!!!

0:02:40 – Federer loses the final
0:25:25 – Ladies Doubles
0:29:20 – Serena owning Sharapova
0:50:05 – Garbine Muguruza
0:54:20 – Nick Kyrgios
1:00:40 – Serena and the Female Body Issues
1:36:30 – Sergiy the Douche
1:47:40 – Martina N, You’re a BB

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Federer is tears is never okay with me

2015 Wimbledon Champ Novak Djokovic

Garbine was in tears at this loss but she will rise again I hope

Serena and Garbine

The Serena Envy and the Body that is killing them all

Martina Navratilova, the face of bitterness and low classness! No respect for the current players

She didn’t win today …

I feel so bad for her

2015 Australian Open: Womenz Preview

I am so happy to not be out there in the hot sun this year!

The Womenz Draw should be very interesting this year. For first time in a good while, Serena Williams is not the name of the favourite to win this tournament. Mind you, that is not to say that people are discounting the American. No, far from it. They simply think there might be others willing and capable of taking this major crown. In fact, Williams despite being the 5-time Australian champion is less favoured over Simona Halep (3) who apparently many feel is the sure bet winner. I am as confused by this as you are. I really cannot offer any real reason behind this logic other than to say since Halep is one of the 128 women signed up in the main draw, she, like each of the other 127 women do stand a chance of winning the title. That is the best I can do with this information.  

Someone tell ReRe that she is gonna need a hair net because I ain’t trying to eat none of that hair in my cake. (I am gonna pretend like I didn’t see those hair edges looking like a seaside cliff all rough and rocky)

Anyway, this 2015 season is just over 2 weeks old and there have been many oddities. Serena did not play a real tournament coming into the major as she has done in recent years. She was the two-time defending champion in Brisbane but she opted not to play that tournament for Hopman Cup, a mixed exhibition tournament. She made it to the finals with partner John Isner having struggled all the way there. Serenanator was well off her game though many say not to read much into this. Nonetheless, she got bagelled by Penne Pasta Pennetta, Bouchard clocked and snatched her wig winning in straight sets 6-1 6-2 or something like that and then struggled past Safarova. In the finals v Bratzwanska she was messy like a public bathroom. Again, one should not read much into this they say. I for one think that a Serena going into the Aussie Open full of confidence makes for a problematic Serena. Last three years 2012-2014, she was the heavy favourite and each year saw the American leaving Melbourne empty-handed. Hopefully this year brings greater fortune.

Serena didn’t come this year and I finally got the Brisbane title

In her absence, Martha (2) picked up the Brisbane title seeing as she lost to Serena there the last two years. Anyway, Shriekapova avenged her Cincinnati loss to Ivanovic the Terrible (5) in the final. Martha, the 3-time finalist and 2008 Champion is definitely looking to pick up another Aussie title. Simona Halep like I said is also inexplicably in my book, garnering a lot of attention. Many feel that she can take the crown here. She won a title in Shenzhen and then signed up to play Sydney. She pulled out thankfully citing injury. I do not understand why Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug thinks she has to play week in and week out. It is just not that serious.

Simona Halep aka Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug with her Shenzhen trophy

GHW Kvitova with her Sydney trophy

Who eventually won Sydney was GHW Kvitova (4) who lost to some Bascinzsky girl in straight sets in Shenzhen in the first week. I do not understand how that happened myself but I saw the match so I can tell you with much certainty that it did happen for real. So Kvitova is coming into a major having played two weeks of tennis. I am not her coach so again I am clueless as to logic behind this bit of madness. Look I am not trying to shade Petra here or anything like that but I have this slight observation. Petra be playing so much tennis yet she is not the fittest lady on tour. I do not get this but clearly it is not for me to get.

Granny Vee with her Auckland trophy and moist hairdo

Anyway, while we are on the subject of fitness, spare me a moment of your time to talk about Ebony Starr aka Granny Vee aka Venus Williams (18). Venus returned to Auckland this year having lost in last year’s final and again made a very decisive run this year to take the title. She faced her sister’s supposed BFF Caroline Woz aka Danish Biscuit (8) for the title. Venus who has never lost to the Dane was en pointe after dropping the opening set. So Granny Vee is also coming into this tournament with a lot of steam behind her name. Meanwhile, Agatha aka Bratzwanska (6) got herself a new coach, the one and only Martina Navratilova. So a lot of buzz is behind Agatha now because the perennial bridesmaid is looking to finally be the bride and win a major. Martina thinks she can do this. I have my doubts about this. Anyhow, so Aga beat Serena at the exhibition and the ESPN cronies were beside themselves; “It’s the Martina influence!” Then Agatha went to a real tournament and lost her opening match. Is this Martina again? I just sipped my tea because if I say something people will say I am a hater. So I am going to keep quiet on this matter.

Anyway, in other really big news on the women’s side is the fact that the number 1 ranking is up for grabs amongst Serenanator, Shriekapova, Koolaide Jug and GHW (Grand High Witch. I am not being mean here at but sometimes Petra be reminding me of Anjelica Huston from The Witches. Check it out and comment below if you agree and/or disagree). Anyway, the top 4 ladies all have a chance to be number 1 depending on how far they each go and how well the others do.

Wait what? We can all be Number 1 at the end of this week? NO only the Top 4 and just in case you’re unclear about this Caro, that means, ReRe, Martha, Simona and Petra! Because some of you look like you can’t count … No shade Genie

Let’s get to the main reason why we are here: the Draw Breakdown. Like the menz, we will be doing the same thing; breaking down the main draw into halves, then quarters and finally eighths.

2015 Australian Open Top Womenz Seeds
Top Half	Bottom Half
1. Serena Williams (Serenanator/ReRe)	2. Maria Sharapova (Martha/Shriekapova)
4. Petra Kvitova (Grand High Witch)	3. Simona Halep (Mrs. Koolaide Juice Jug)
6. Agnieszka Radwanska (Agatha/Bratzwanska)	5. Ana Ivanovic (Ivanovic the Terrible)
8. Caroline Wozniacki (Danish Biscuit)	7. Genie Bouchard (Nothing has stick yet)
11. Dominika Cibulkova (Cibuttkova)	9. Angelique Kerber (Angie/Carebear Kerber)
12. Flavia Pennetta (Penne Pasta Pennetta)	10. Ekaterina Makarova (Not worthy)
13. Andrea Petkovic (Not worthy)	14. Sara Errani (Alien v Predator/ETranni)
15. Jelena Jankovic (Fivehead Jungle Witch)	16.  Lucie Safarova (Lady Gollum)
18. Venus Williams (Granny Vee/Ebony Starr)	17. Carla Suarez-Navarro (Nothing has stick yet)
19. Alizé Cornet (Lordlize Cornemort)	21. Shuai Peng (Not worthy)
20. Sam Stosur (D’Stove)	22. Karolina Pliskova (Not worthy)
24. Garbine Muguruza (Not worthy)	23. Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (Fattychunkova)
25. Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (Not worthy)	27. Svetlana Kuznetsova (Kuzi-Rexi)
26. Elina Svitolina (Not worthy)	28. Sabine Lisicki (Lose-sicki)
29. Casey Dellacqua (Not worthy)	31. Zarina Diyas (Not worthy)
30. Varvara Lepchenko (Not worthy)	32. Belinda Bencic (Not worthy)

 *Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person!
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

Serenanator (1) v GHW Kvitova (4) Top Half

Should they reach they both reach the semis, it should be an interesting match

Serenanator (1) v Danish Biscuit (8) Quarter

You best get your life together because you know everyone is gunning to take you out

Serena’s Section Eighth: At the end of the day, it has to be said that the only real bother that Serenanator has is herself. She is quite capable of decimating the entire field without a pause. She is really that good. However, as has been quite evident in her career, she allows herself to get in the way of herself (if that makes any kinda sense to you). Serena’s B game and/or C game is still capable of beating most of the tour. The thing is that, at majors, many of these women are no longer allowing her to get away with an average performance. Serena herself admitted last Wimbledon that she has to come out blazing because there are girls/women out there who come into a tournament just to play that one match of a lifetime to beat her and then get dismissed the next day. She knows that if she wants to win majors, it will require two weeks of focus, determination and great tennis.

Thank heavens we are seeing no more blonde Remi weave

With that said, the American should get to the 4^th round no problemo! Svitolina (26) an up and coming Ukrainian is her potential 3^rd round opponent but I see Serena getting past her without much of a headache. However, we thought that this would have been the case at Wimbledon and the French Open last year and Serena did not get out of the 3^rd round of either of those tournaments. And speaking of those tournament, both Lordlize Cornemort (19) [beat her in the 3^rd round of Wimbledon] and Garbine Muguruza (24) [beat her in the 2^nd round of the French Open] are in this quarter. Serena may face Muguruza in the 4^th round if the Spaniard takes out Fivehead Jankovic (15) in the 3^rd round. Serena will only face Cornemort if the Frenchwoman can get to the quarterfinals; something she has yet to do in her 35 previous appearances at majors.

Do I look bothered by the fact that Muguruza and Cornemort as in my section of the draw? No really do I look bothered because I am not sure if I am at all.

Woz is desperately looking for her 1st major title

Danish Biscuit’s Section Eighth: This is a rather interesting section as Woz opens her campaign for her 1^st ever major title facing young American Taylor Townsend who might be going places in the world of tennis. Nothing would be better for the American than a solid win over a top ranked player. Nonetheless, I think Woz will win this. The really interesting thing about this section is that the 2^nd round opponent for Woz could be 2-time Aussie Open champion, Vickie Azarenka. Vickie is coming off injury and has virtually missed an entire year, so her rankings are not where they could be. Vickie will face Slowe Stephens in the 1^st round, a re-match of 2013 semifinals and 2014 4^th round here in Melbourne. This is a MUST SEE MATCH I think. So Woz has a lot of dangerous floaters in her part including Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova (25) in the 3^rd round and either Cornemort (19) or last year’s finalist Cibuttkova (11) in the Round of 16. After getting past all this, Woz might face Serena for a chance to play the semis. She is basically in a mind field; so many potential places for it to all blow up in her face.

2-time champion here in Melbourne is also desperate to find her winning form coming back from injury

GHW Kvitova (4) v Aga Bratzwanska (6) Quarter

Poor Petra does not do well in the heat

GHW Kvitova’s Section Eighth: I honestly expect Kvitova to get to the 4^th round without any problems. Anything less than that, she deserves scorn and mockery. It is time that the 2-time Wimbledon champion stop losing to no-namers all over the place and struggling through “epic 3-set matches”. American Madison Keys has recently added the services of 2000 Aussie Open champion Lindsay Davenport to her camp. Hopefully this helps the young American be more reliable in matches. She will have to get by Kvitova in the 3^rd round though and that will be a true measure of things. Someone to watch in this section is Andrea Petkovic (13) who has a real shot of getting to the 4^th round here looking at the draw. Someone to not watch is Sam Stosur (20) who I am sure will go out in the 1^st round. D’Stove is incapable of winning in her home country. I swear even if you write D’Stove in the final, she would find a way of losing in the semifinals. It is like she is allergic to the home crowd support. So like I said, it is Kvitova’s section to win or lose. She should be in the quarters.

Madison Keys and Lindsay Davenport

Sam stretching for nothing in Melbourne

Aga and her new coach Martina

Aga Bratzwanska (6) Section Eighth: No doubt about it, Aga should make it to the Round of 16 no trouble other than a potential tricky opponent in Varvara Lepchencko (30) in the 3^rd round. However, the real glitz of this section is that Venus Williams (18) is present here. Venus is playing well as per Brisbane and she is moving forward a lot and showing off a much improved volleying technique thanks to Katrina Adams, the new USTA President (congrats gurl). Hopefully, she MUST play smart efficient tennis out there and get through to the 4^th Round. She would have to beat Penne Pasta Pennetta (12) though in the 3^rd round. Also meeting Aga in the Round of 16 is not good because Venus has been dragged by the Pole as of late. She can barely win a set off Aga. So she will need all her strength to get through that match and face Kvitova in the quarters for another showdown match! Their Wimbledon encounter last year was arguably the best match of the women’s tournament.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Ms. Koolaide Juice Jug Halep (3) Bottom Half

Simona has been Martha’s pigeon as of late, so she will be looking to change that this tournament

Halep (3) v Ivanovic the Terrible (5) Quarter

Promise me that Ivanovic the Terrible is not going to show up here in Melbourne.

Ivanovic the Terrible’s Section Eighth: Ana should get to the Round of 16 which she will potential meet tough lefty Ekaterina Makarova (10) there. Makarova is a dangerous floater at majors. She is always good for one major upset. If she gets past the Russian, there will a Romanian in the form of Halep waiting there for her. Meanwhile of her own accord, Ivanovic the Terrible can show up and mess up Ana’s life and have her losing to a Belinda Bencic (32) for no reason in the 3^rd round. So be prepared for anything from this section.

Realz don’t watch my eyebrows. I know they need to be done but we’re not here for that

Halep’s Section Eighth: Halep had a glorious 2014, quarterfinalist here, finals in Roland Garros and Wimbledon semifinals. Not to mention that she made it to the WTA YEC final beating Serena in straight sets on her way there only to lose in straight sets to Serena but she played a great tournament. With all that, Koolaide Juice Jug is hoping to improve upon those results this year with a new coach who she said is more in line with her Romanian philosophy. I think Halep will make the quarterfinal without much of a fuss. In the 3^rd round, she could meet Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki but even this matchup I am sure Halep will get by without any trouble. Sara ETrrani (14) is a possible 4^th round opponent. However, I am not sure what the Italian will do this year on tour. Her ranking is slipping downwards so she would definitely love a boost to be back in the top 10. She is also a dangerous player except when she is playing Martha or Serena. Otherwise, Errani can be hell for most players on her good day. So if Halep wants to win this title or at least get close to winning it, she best watch out for the likes of Errani.

Martha Shriekapova (2) v Bouchard (7) Quarter

Wait what? You’re saying if this were the sport that’s the only way I am winning a major?

Bouchard’s Section Eighth: The Canadian is another of those young ladies who had a great 2014: semis in Melbourne, Roland Garros and a Wimbledon final. She also got to the WTA finals but she did not win a single match in her debut. Nonetheless, she has a lot of points to defend this year and without a coach in her corner, things might not be so smooth as they were last year. Bouchard could face veteran and 2-time major champion Kuzi-Rex (27) in the 3^rd round and then the tricky German lefty, Carebear Kerber (9) or that Spanish Lady Hobbit, Carla Suarez Navarro (17) in the Round of 16. I do not think Bouchard is gonna make it to the quarterfinals but one never knows.

Wait what? Cornemort and Murguruza are in the same quarter as Serena? Sweet LOL

And no I don’t practice the dark arts of draw fixing … at least not all the time 🙂

Martha Shriekapova’s Section Eighth: I think we can just about safely write in quarterfinals and/or semifinals. She has no real threats in path at all. In fact, she has not lost to Halep yet. So even if the seeds stay true to form, Martha might be a sure bet. Her 3^rd round opponent is Zarina Diyas (31) who has no fire power to hurt Martha in the least. Only tough draw for the Russian might be Lucie Safarova (16) who will have to play the match of her life to get this upset. Nonetheless, I think we can put Martha in the finals and if anyone shows up other than Kvitova and Serena, it is Martha’s title to win or lose.

So here we are at the end! I hope we have a fun and great Aussie Open this year. Hopefully my favourites get their lives together and win the darn thing!

As much as I want to be loving LiNaLi in this picture giving me life with that beautiful pregnancy glow, that security guard in those shoes is KILLING ME! This is why I can never buy a pair of New Balance to save my life

Vickie is out partying. I hope she has her life together because she has a tough road ahead of her to get back to the top

It is like Venus loves to piss me off. WTF is she wearing a napkin on her head? And I am sorry this dress looks okay but it is giving me Christmas Angel pageant so I cannot approve. Serena I can see your busted edges from here

2015 Australian Open: Menz Preview

So here we are at the Australian Open 2015, January 19-February 1! I feel like we always start out each new major posting with the same tired line. However, really and truly I am not sure how else to begin! I mean we all know why we are here and what we are about. So why complicate matters? Wait, I could have started out by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR to my old fanz and the new fanz we hope to get this coming year! I am hoping that 2015 bring RealzTenisFanz into more homes, screens, mobile devices and tennis fans’ consciousness. We are not seeking legitimacy here because RealzTenisFanz is and has always been a “prestigious publication”. RealzTenisFanz is however seeking more recognition, more publicity because let us be real about the matter, RealzTenisFanz does not really have much us an audience! We are going to change that for 2015. We are also going to change the fact that FANZ NEED TO COMMENT BELOW!

COMMENT BELOW

In case you are new to RealzTenisFanz and I hope that many of you are new, we keep it realz and controversial in these parts. We do not hold back and we have no/nil/nilch/zero fcuks and/or cares to give! You will love it here because we allow everyone to have a say (PLEASE COMMENT BELOW) and also even if you are a casual fan of tennis or know nothing at all about the sport, RealzTenisFanz has something for you! So stick around and again Happy New Year to all my peeps and haters too! Trust and believe, Realz got nothing but admiration for my haters who can stay so bitter and keep on giving me shine! Bless your evil hearts!

Anyway, let us not digress too much! We are here for another year of tennis courtesy the many players on both the ATP and WTA! We all have ones we love (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), those we hate (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), some we pretend do not exist (Fake Fire Ferrer, St. Nick Krispy Kringle, Berdshite, Ernests Gulbis, Lordlize Cornemort, Garbine Muguruza, Tsvetana Pironkova) and those we do not even know exist (Michael Berrer, Zarina Diyas, Pablo Cuevas, Santiago Gulbis). Nonetheless, Realz is here to make all this simple and easy. Realz take away all the fluff, pomp and circumstances of “traditional and/or mainstream sports media” and give it to you straight, stiff and strong … Who am I kidding, ain’t nothing straight in these parts unless we mean “Spaghetti Straight”; it is straight until you cook it.

Enough grandstanding, so we are at the Australian Open in Melbourne and we have to do the traditional bit of “Picks of the Tournaments”! However, I often find this all very boring, dull and merely a lot of hot air talk mixed with bullshit analysis. I am not one to favour picking a winner because as you all know, Realz subscribes to the maxim, “The game is won and lost on the field not on paper!” Nonetheless, we can do some talking about the draw and checking out how things are stacked and who might get where or who might get nowhere or even who just not anywhere at all. Of course, we will have the obligatory photos to shade and shadow the players!

So let us begin with the MENZ (Do note that the WOMENZ’s breakdown will be issued in a separate post. The next post after this in fact!)

As have been the case as of late, I break the draw down into halves, then quarters and then further still into eighths. I find this way easier to deal and manage. I also wish I can come up with a cool graphic to display it all but Realz ain’t got money for all that so it will be down the good ole fashioned bootleg way! That is to say, it will be mostly words.

BELOW IS THE BREAKDOWN OF THE TOP 32 SEEDS!

2015 Australian Open Top Menz Seeds
Top Half	Bottom Half
1. Novak Djokovic (Djoker Harlequeen)	2. Roger Federer (Mr. Federer/Mr. Federror)
4. Stan Wawrinka (Stanley)	3. Rafael Nadal (Divadal)
5. Kei Nishikori (Horsikori)	6. Andy Murray (Lochness Monster)
8. Milos Raonic (Dennis the Menace)	7. Tomas Berdych (Berdshite)
9. David Ferrer (Fake Fire Ferrer)	10. Grigor Dimitrov (Maria’s Bulgarian handbag)
12. Feliciano Lopez (FeFe Lopez)	11. Ernests Gulbis (Nothing has stick yet)
13. Roberto Bautista-Agut (Not Worthy)	14. Kevin Anderson (Not Worthy)
16. Fabio Fognini (Pignini)	15. Tommy Robredo (Not Worthy)
17. Gael Monfils (Beetlejuice)	20. David Goffin (Hobbit)
18. Gilles Simon (Chicken Legs/Drumsticks)	22. Philipp Kohlschreiber (Nothing has stick yet)
19. John Isner (Big Friend Giant Mountain Troll)	23. Ivo Karlovic (Nothing has stick yet)
21. Alexandr Dolgopolov (BWLLAGWLLAB)	24. Richard Gasquet (Nothing has stick yet)
25. Julien Benneteau (Julie B)	26. Leonardo Mayer (Mulling over a name for him)
27. Pablo Cuevas (Have no idea who he is)	28. Lukas Rosol (Ended Divadal’s 2012 life)
30. Santiago Giraldo (Who he?)	29. Jeremy Chardy (Not Worthy)
31. Fernando Verdasco (Tabasco Verdasco)	32. Martin Klizan (Not Worthy)

*Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person! 
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

So let us begin:

Djoker (1) v Stanley (4) Top Half

Bae, why does your face feel like it got attacked by a meat tenderizer?

Djoker (1) v Raonic (8) Quarter

You all know I am here to pick up my 5th Aussie Open title

Djoker’s Section Eighth: The 4-time Aussie Open Champion, Djoker, opens his bid for a 5^th title with a qualifier. He has no one of real quality until a possible 3^rd round showing against Tabasco Verdasco (31) a previous semifinalist here if I am not mistaken. However, if we are going to be serious here, Tabasco Verdasco has long since failed to be a hot consistent player on tour unless we are talking body hot and even there he is lacking as of late. Truth be told, he is playing more like mayonnaise than hot sauce these days. I am actually surprised that he is seeded here at all. Therefore, Djoker should have no trouble at all getting to the 4^th Round where he could meet either John Isner (19) aka BFG Mountain Troll or Roberto Bautista-Agut (13) who has a different Spanish style of game. He hits a flat ball compared to his other compatriots. Djoker should get to quarters no problemo to face a real threat of sorts Milos Raonic!

Don’t forget about me! I might be spoiling some people’s plans!

Raonic’s Section Eighth: In the quarters for the Serbian, looms another big server in the form of Raonic (8). The Canadian should also get to the quarters but he has to be very very smart about his tennis. There are several well-experienced players in his eighth of the draw and they can be rather problematic. There are also a lot of tall players in this section. No doubt Raonic should move past the first two rounds. However, waiting for him in the 3^rd round could be Julie B (25) or Lleyton Hewitt who even though is old and broken, does tend to like to stir things up when the big lights are on him. The organizers will definitely schedule this matchup on primetime and on Rod Laver Arena. However, Raonic should be able to handle this pressure by now. A 4^th round possibility for the Canadian is Fefe Lopez (12) or Monfils aka Beetlejuice (17) and if he gets Beetlejuice, he might be in serious trouble. There are several matches in this section which should be rightly entertaining: A possible Juan Martin Del Potro (back from long term wrist injury) verses another giant in Jerzy Janowicz in the 1^st round, then the winner of this faces Beetlejuice and the winner of that match play a possible Lopez (12) in the 3^rd round and then that winner play Raonic. It is like the “Battle of the Giants”

*Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy has just pulled out of the Aussie Open citing precaution of a possible wrist injury! SUCH A SHAME. He will be replaced by Hiroki Moriya from Japan. I have NO IDEA who he is. As we are talking about those who will not be here, we should mention that Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Marin Cilic have both pulled out of the tournament citing injuries. Tsonga would be missed but I think Cilic pulled out because of the pressure of living up to his US Open win at the next major! It would be less pressure at the French Open where he is hardly favoured to win. 

Stanley (4) v Horsikori (5) Quarter

Don’t get it twisted folks, I am defending champion so I got street creds for this here title!

Stanley’s Section Eighth: Stanley (4) should get to the Round of 16 without any hiccups whatsoever. I do not believe he will retain his surprise title from last year. No Shade No T here, Stanley took out Djoker, Berdshite and Divadal en route to the title. That was a real Herculean effort, unlikely to be repeated ever again but he still deserves praise for that accomplishment. However, he has the potential of at least getting to the semis which considering his usual pedigree would be a major achievement in and of itself. He could face in the 4^th round (Round of 16), Fabio Fognini aka Pignini (16) and this I doubt because Pignini with slaughter himself along the way.

The teeth though!

Horsikori’s Section Eighth: Horsikori (5) might have a tougher time getting to the quarterfinals. Gilles Simons (18) aka Chicken Legs or Drumsticks is capable of being a tough opponent if he plays to his true potential and not his shoe size. Kei will however, start off his Melbourne campaign against Nicolas Almagro who is returning to tour from long term injury. It is nice to see him back on tour, in fact, I love to see his back on tour because his behind is muy caliente. Horsikori should get to the Round of 16 where he can potentially face Fake Fire Ferrer (9) who is desperate to get back in top 5 ranking. Ferrer loves nothing better than to occupy that 5^th place spot! He will be coming for Horsikori’s mane.

I mean look at this booty of Almagro! #icant

And this bodé! I mean he is not going to be around long so we have to soak up as much as we can while we can! 

Fake Fire Ferrer doesn’t like being so close to bottom of the top 10! For him, being 5 in the world is Number 1 in his book, so best believe, he is looking to get back up there in 2015

Mr. Federer (2) v Divadal (3) Bottom Half

Mr. Federer giving Divadal the sideeye having had his wig snatched by the Spaniard in Melbourne so many times now

Divadal (3) v Berdshite (7) Quarter

Berdshite is still around … however, the tournament haven’t started yet

Berdshite’s Section Eighth: Berdshite should get to the Round of 16 at the very least. However, knowing how this Czech can go well off the rails, he is capable of losing in the 1^st round as well as getting to the semifinals with some luck. He might face some stiff competition in the 3^rd round if Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) is also playing up to his true potential. The same can also be said for Ernests Gulbis (11) who might face Berdshite in the 4^th Round. Also lurking in these parts are Kevin Anderson (14) who has yet to get a win over Berdshite (one of the few sure things in Berdshite’s life) and also Gasquet (24). This section of the draw has the potential of a surprise quarterfinalist and/or some “upsets”.

Divadal is here people! Don’t get it twisted, he might have been “sick” for months now but he is dangerous in Melbourne

Divadal’s Section Eighth: Divadal has an easy ride into the semifinals. The former champion here in 2009 and last year’s finalist is looking to prove his worth after disappearing yet again from the tour with an “abnormal case of appendicitis”. He looked rusty in Doha losing to Michael Berrer (I don’t know who he is either) but there is virtually no one in these parts that Divadal cannot handle. However, I would have thought he could have handled the scrub Berrer. Nonetheless, this is a major and Divadal usually gets his life together for these big occasions. He opens against Mikhail Youzhny who is a former top 20 player but somehow found himself lurking in the far depth of the ranking. Youzhny if I am not mistaken has a win against Divadal at a major but I doubt it very much if he will be so lucky again. While we are on the subject of surprise win over Divadal at a major, in this section lurks the mercurial Lukas Rosol (28) who might be Divadal’s 3^rd round opponent. However, I am not even sure if Rosol would get that far in the draw but I thought it only fair to point out that there was a potential of it happening.

Mr. Federer (2) v Lochness Monster Murray (6) Quarter

You know if I don’t at least get to the finals, you’re fired right Amelie?

Lochness Monster’s Section Eighth: Now the end of last year did not bode well for the Scotsman who is a 3-time finalist here in Melbourne. He got his ass whipped by Mr. Federer at the Year Ending Championships; 0-6 1-6. After this result, Nessie fired his entire team with the lone exception of Amelie Mauresmo. He also decided to make it official with his long term girlfriend Kim Sears (I think that is how her name is pronounced but I hardly care one way or the other) Anyway, he too should have an easy time getting to the 2^nd week of the tournament. He will potentially face Dimitrov (10) who I am not sure about as of late.

Dimitrov is looking to get his bag straps together!

I have no clue which version of Martha’s Bulgarian handbag will show up in Melbourne. This clutch could play tennis like the real deal from the luxury shop or show up here like a knockoff from Chinatown. He should have no trouble getting past German Jamaican Dustin Brown in the 1^st round. Brown I am sure will be spending the match thinking about all the tweets about him because after the match he will spend all his time retweeting. This fool spends more time retweeting on Twitter than on the actual tennis court. He swears he is the shite. Meanwhile, he cannot make the German Davis Cup team. #gurlbye Anyway, if Dimitrov is not up to the task, lil Hobbit David Goffin (20) might be there ready to take his spot in the 4^th Round.

Mr. Federer is ready to claim his 5th Aussie Open title!

Mr. Federer’s Section Eighth: Mr. Federer also has an easy time to quarters. Hopefully the teenager, Borna Coric can get his life together and win a couple of rounds to meet Mr. Federer in the 3^rd round. Otherwise, Jeremy Chardy (29) might be Mr. Federer’s opponent. Not much to fear still unless one counts Tommy Robredo (15) who took out Mr. Federer at the 2013 US Open. Mr. Federer looked good coming into Melbourne having won the Brisbane title. He looked in great form as he dispatched both Dimitrov and Raonic. However, despite the immense talents that both Dimitrov and Raonic possess, they are hardly the real problem for Mr. Federer. If Mr. Federer wants to win this title, he has to beat Divadal and Djokovic back to back in a major. This is a HUGE ORDER especially at 33 years old. However, if anyone can get it done, it is Mr. Federer. Hopefully luck is on his side as well. 

Youngster Borna Coric is looking to make a splash on the tour this year

OVERALL IMPRESSION OF THE MENZ DRAW

There is not really much else to say. The draw is evenly distributed. I really do not think that the bottom half is stacked more so than the top. However, the Melbourne organizers see it fit to place Mr. Federer and Divadal on the same side of the draw AGAIN. Mr. Federer who has made it to the Aussie Open semis or better (4-time Champion here) since 2004 (AMAZING RECORD), always seem to bump into Divadal a lot. Anyway, I think Djoker is the favourite no matter how you slice it. Whether he would win is another matter altogether but he is the one trending in my book. Supposedly, the weather in Melbourne will be cooler over the next two weeks and the courts are playing faster … allegedly. Now this might give Mr. Federer is good chance to claim his 18^th major title but that is still is BIG ASK!

Never count out Divadal. He is on 14 majors and he is looking for number 15 to edge even closer to Mr. Federer in the top major winner category. A win here at the Aussie Open would make him the 2nd man in the Open-Era (open meaning that the sport is open to both tennis professionals and amateurs) to win each major at least twice! Meanwhile, Lochness Murray is desperate to keep his name in the “Honourable Mention” section in light of the top 3 players listed above. He can definitely make the necessary noise here to do so by winning this elusive title. However, for him to get to the final and win this title will require a Herculean effort. I am not sure he has that power.

Mr. Nicky Kripsy Kringles Kyrgios is confused as to what the deal is. He looks like he’s ready for some ratchet fashion shoot in some back alley

I don’t know why Hewitt’s son Cruz is on the court. Seems like daddy has babysitting issues. It is my feelings that Hewitt is not retiring because Becky doesn’t want him home and he needs the money because his old broken body should be home by now

Anyway, I think we can wrap up the menz here for now. I look forward to giving you the “in-depth” coverage from Melbourne!  

2015 New Year Resolutions for Our Players to Watch

THIS IS A RE-POSTING OF A PIECE THAT CAN BE FOUND ON Soley Tennis Travels http://soleytennistravels.com/new-year-resolutions-players-to-watch-in-2015/ SHE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST TENNIS MINDS OUT THERE! CHECK OUT OUR COLLABORATION HERE DEALING WITH WHAT WE ARE HOPING WILL HAPPEN IN 2015! 

2015 is just around the corner and we are continuing with that noble Roman tradition of crafting new year’s resolutions. I haven’t made a new year’s resolution in years and I am not about to do it now. The next best thing is to make up resolutions for other people! How grand is that? All of the perks but none of the stressors on me.

I rallied one of my favorite tennis bloggers to get his take on the resolutions he’d like to see five ATP and five WTA players adopt in 2015. I  offer my own and then his fervent wishes.

Venus Williams: I resolve to stop tiring myself out by playing doubles at slams and focus on winning another Wimbledon by playing to my strengths: use my first serve & nail those volleys in a kickass white outfit.

Sloane Stephens: I resolve to ignore stans of all ilk on Twitter, recognizing that age is on my side (side-eyes these old broads), and win one title. At least one.

Genie Bouchard: I resolve to try and stay injury free, so that I can avoid the predicted sophomore slump. I will also continue to be viciously ambitious. Get used to it folks, it’s what all the millenials are doing.

Taylor Townsend: I resolve to accept my greatness and hit the gym harder. I might also snatch Martina Navratilova from Aga if I can manage it.

Victoria Azarenka: I resolve to review videos of 2011 to remind myself of what I am capable. Also, I resolve to stop trying the charm offensive and go back to entering courts with my head phones blasting and wearing shorts.

Rafa Nadal: I resolve to defend a hardcourt title in 2015 and accept all of Tommy Hilfiger’s suggestions about dressing myself.

Tomas Berdych: I resolve to approach every match as if I am facing Roger Federer at the Olympics and to remember how possible it all seemed right after Stan’s demolition of Rafael Nadal in Australia in 2014.

Grigor Dimitrov: I resolve to spend less time falling on the court and more time channeling whomever that guy was at Wimbledon who took out Andy Murray in straight sets. I also resolve to get my ego in check and show up at the World Tour Finals as an alternate, if I’m ever so lucky to be that close again.

Roger Federer: I resolve to continue to do my old man exercises, stretch my back and stop being surprised by streaky queens at slams (Rafa, Gulbis, Cilic, and Nole). Can I get Nole to double fault when he’s playing me at a slam?

Gael Monfils: I resolve to keep being awesome every where I go and up my odds in a final by aiming for just winning a point instead of dazzling the crowd.

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One of my favorite passionate and occasional satirical blogger is RealzTenisFanz. He has some very intriguing ideas about the resolutions for some of his players. We ended up picking all but three of the same players! You can find his brand of tennis wisdom athttps://realztenisfanz.wordpress.com/

First off, it was very difficult for me to find 5 men and 5 women that I cared two real shakes about but I looked through the list and I came up with something … just know this is because I really like you Andreen and I tried.

So on the Women’s

1) Serena Williams: I need her to get her clothing/apparel/gear together. It was a mess all of 2014. I cannot think of a single outfit that I liked. Well there were some decent pieces in doubles. However, singles was disgusting; the colour combination, the construction, overall presentation, they were all messy. French Open, Wimbledon and US Open. They were all horrible. Most egregious was the Miami outfit looking like a bad bottle of Gatorade. She does better for me in 2 pieces and not when she tries to go for the altogether bit in a dress. That animal print at the US Open. Atrocious. Anyway, I need that situation to be fixed as well as her hair. That Ambri/Brazilian/Remi nonsense has to go. I got two words for it Gurl Bye! I am not gonna say any more on that.

This hair doesn’t need to be here anymore! I am not even going to address the brows and lashes!

There are 7 things wrong with this outfit. Can you spot them?

This doesn’t even make any fashion sense. Why am I looking this ridiculous? 

Why did my family let me come out the house looking like this?

Horse hair and zebra print. Can this outfit be put out to pasture?

Back in 2005 things were so much more interesting!

As for her tennis, I would really love for her to win the grand slam in 2015. She has really shown herself to be an all-court player and I think she deserves to get this under her belt. I am not a huge fan of Steffi Graf (blame that on the Monica Seles incident and also her husband) so I would really love it for Serena to be the undisputed best female player in the sport thus far. She has brought a lot more to the game, the sport as a whole and everything else good and bad to tennis and she really should get this one title. It is the only thing she doesn’t have. If she can’t win all four, I don’t mind her getting to 21 and lose to Venus at the US Open. I can definitely live with that. She needs to get back her Melbourne magic though. She was great in Melbourne but for the last 3 years, it has been mundane play.

THIS WO-MANCE IS UNUSUAL, UN-TENNIS, UN-AMERICAN, UN-DANISH AND UN-BELIEVEABLE

I AM GOING TO NEED ALL PARTIES INVOLVE TO CEASE AND DESIST WITH ALL THIS NONSENSICAL WO-MANCE BETWEEN HER AND CARO. IT IS RIDICULOUS AND UN-TENNIS. If Caro is not a friend of Venus then she shouldn’t be a friend of Serena.

This is the only acceptable form of interaction between these two

2) Venus Williams: Well it is no secret that Venus is like a thorn in my side. We have been through many ups and downs. I want to believe in my main gurl but she slays me all the time. Nonetheless, I think there might be some old magic left in her trunk and she can come through for me. I am going to need her to be making some major noise on tour this year especially at the French and Wimbledon. For some crazy reason I always envisioned this woman doing damage on the clay but she is messy and streaky. If she wants to get it done on the terre bateau, she is going to have to come to net and stick the volleys of course and that hot mess serve is gonna have to go far far away. She can pick up a couple tour titles but I am really looking for her to bring her expertise and experience at the majors and knock off some of these “pushers”.

Goodbye to this Vague Varying Venus! She is not good for my heart and spirit

I need this Vintage Venus to come back in 2015

3) Victoria Azarenka: I would like Vickie aka Victoria A to get her life and fitness together and be back in the top 10. I don’t wanna hear any excuses as well as any insufferable comments about her current, former and/or pending relationships. I am just interested in her and her tennis. Win and/or lose no excuses from her or her camp.

I need you to remember who you are Vickie. You’re a 2-time major champion

4) Petra Kvitova: I am going to need Petra to stay in the top 5. I don’t want no bullshit or jellyroll from this Czech. She needs to focus on tennis and not balls if you know what I mean. I don’t know what is her problem but she needs to stop acting like a college co-ed on Spring Break. Her favour is not some free handout as Costco. She’s gonna have to come up with better tennis except when playing Venus. That Wimbledon match still bothers me tremendously.

Petra you can play tennis besides at Wimbledon

5) Simona Halep: Mrs. Koolaide Jug. I know people hate on her and call her a pusher etc. However, I really think considering the circumstances of the game, height, court, ball, equipment, she is pretty decent. She comes off like a Vickie without all the histrionics. She doesn’t bother me much. I would really like to see her have another solid year. This was a good year but clearly she was not satisfied and I like that. She’s hungry for more. Whether she can actually produce this is another story. I am not sure if much can be improved save for mental sharpness. I also want her to be more present v Shriekapova and sneak out some wins.

Simona, since Venus stopped playing New Haven back in early 2000’s, this has ceased being a real tournament. So I am gonna need you to do better than that. Thanks

MEN’s

I need you to make this happen again!

1) Roger Federer: Mr. Federer. It is no secret that when it comes to the Swiss maestro, I am greedy. I want him to win everything. However, this is not possible but I would like him to get two major wins this win including the Aussie Open title and re-claim number 1 spot. I know he loves Wimbledon but I can deal with him getting his 2nd French Open title over Divadal. That would make my year …. it would make my life in fact. I will never forget 2008 Wimbledon. Divadal deserves his comeuppance.

Need I say more

2) Rafa Nadal: Divadal. He needs to stay slamless in 2014 and come out of the closet. In fact I need him to get dragged out of the closet. The nonsense he and his Unclé Toni be playing at is really grating and I am sick and tired of all this media antics. Sick of his “sickness” etc.

Yeah even I am confused by what’s going on here

3) Novak Djokovic: Djoker. This is going to be really hard. He is gonna have to make me like him. I respect his game but he reeks of being a douchebag a lot of the times. I am gonna need him to be a respectable tennis player and not some media monkey puppet.

I’m a good guy and you’re gonna like me in 2015

4) Gael Monfils: I am going to need Monfils to play an entire year of professional tennis. I don’t know if he imagines that he can start a “Globetrotters version of tennis” but I am gonna need this Frenchman to get into the top 10 and stay there.

No more crazy Gael in 2015

Yeah Beetlejuice, you have to show me that you can play great tennis like you play against Mr. Federer except when you play him

5) Borna Coric: I would like this young player to be seeded by the time the US Open rolls around. I like his attitude and his game. There is of course room for development but I would like to see his game get on board and for him to do some damage.

Borna Coric. Fresh young face on the tour and he doesn’t reek of doucheyness

Well, those are certainly resolutions that you won’t find everywhere. Because I know some of ya’ll have a dirty mind,

I asked Realz to clarify his resolution for Divadal and he said “Davidal should play it straight with us, himself and the media. The level of misinformation from his camp makes it difficult for us to take him seriously unless you are his most ardent fan.”

You need to come straight with your fans Divadal! No more shenanigans! 

People are starting to talk! Gurl Bye! 

Thank you @realztenisfanz for keeping us on our toes in tennis land!

NO THANK YOU ANDREEN! As always A PLEASURE WORKING WITH YOU!

Wimbledon 2014: Day 5

My gurl is gone!

So RealzTenisFanz is late yet again. Oh my what a weekend! What a weekend. Realz is depressed! Wimbledon is giving me fever; typhoid and scarlet fever! I can’t; I just cannot deal with these results. I do not even have time for chit-chat about anything else but my gurl Ebony Starr lost. Oh fanz, you do not know how much I am emotionally connected to this gurl. Oh my the lost wrecked me for the weekend. Granny Vee (30) played Petra Kvitova (6) aka  Grand High Witch aka GHW. They played perhaps one of the best matches all year and my gurl last, 7-5 6-7 5-7. “[T]oday I did the best I could. I think she played well at every single moment. There weren’t a lot of opportunities for either one of us. She played well. I gave it my all. Sometimes it’s not enough … “Yeah, it’s a shame there had to be a loser in this match and more of a shame that it had to be me. But all I can say is that it’s great to see women’s tennis on such a high level.” Well I am glad that Granny Vee feels this way because I sure ain’t feeling all this. I was down; realz down. I really wanted Ebony Starr to do well here. I am happy that she did not lose badly but nevertheless, she lost.

It was rough gurl real rough

GHW working some magic on my gurl at the end breaking her in the 12th game

Realz still love you Granny Vee! Just get it together for the summer. We expecting titles this summer like back in 2000 and 2001

Something doesn’t smell right here … oh yeah it’s my game. It stinks to high heaven

And in other upsetting news, LiNaLi (2) lost yet again to a lower ranked player Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova 7-6 7-6. This was such a ridiculous match. I mean Li took the early lead and then totally collapsed. She was raining errors all over the place. I mean when she missed, she was missing badly. It was like she wanted to lose. Both she and Granny Vee had excellent draws and could have made something of it. However they are both gone now and fanz just have to bemoan their losses.

Barbora Zahlavova-Strycova

Meanwhile, do you know who is still in the draw? Bratzwanska (4), Mrs. Koolaide aka Simona Halep (3), Lady Gollum (23), Makarova (22) and even Danish Biscuit (16). They all won their matches and moved through to the next round. Wait, because of rain, Danish Biscuit, Mrs. Koolaide and up and coming Belinda Bencic who beat Victoria Duval from the US, all played their 2^nd round matches on Friday. The other winners include Shuai Peng who beat another American Lauren Davis and another Czech Tereza Smitkova. That makes 4 Czech women in the Round of 16 more so than any other country. Even more so than the US who currently is batting ZERO. Their last hope is Madison Keys who is currently in battle with Yaroslava Shvedova. Keys already dropped the first set and they are locked in a tiebreaker in the 2^nd set. Play was suspended due to poor lighting. Meanwhile, I have to say that both Danish Biscuit and Bratzwanska are dropping bagels and breadsticks sets on their opponents like opponents like they are daughters of Betty Crocker and the Pillsbury Dough Man. Those girls have been ruthless thus far.

Realz you trying to act as though it our fault that your peoples suck adn we don’t . No Makarova, I am just saying that I don’t like you folks especially when my peeps not around… kidding gurl.. you look like you about to have a coronary. Take a joke! That vein about to pop

On the men’s side, well Djoker Harlequeen has made getting to the 2^nd week of Wimbledon look like hard work. Gurl has been messy. I mean she has won relatively routinely but she is giving a lot of these scrubs looks at breaking him. A lot of them even thinking that they can even get the upset; this is not cute. I mean seriously, he is the only one capable of dealing with Divadal and lord knows he made a mess of it. I mean he has been rolling through and getting the wins but still, gurl needs to look a lot sharper if he intends to win his 2^nd Wimbledon. He took out Gilles Simon 6-4 6-2 6-4.

He almost damaged his shoulder. But he’s okay

Meanwhile, you know how is looking in great shape? Lochness Monster (3)! He is just dragging these boys out here lately. He got out Roberto Bautista-Agut (27) 6-2 6-3 6-2. Nevertheless, this is all good and cute but Bautista-Agut is not the Spaniard he needs to be beating like this … You get what I am saying? I mean seriously, everyone be trying to drag the Spanish boys except the one Spaniard at the top.

Thanks for showing up at my party. A gift bag is at the door on your way out

Anyways, Maria’s clutch Dimitrov (11) came back from being down 1-2 sets and knocked out BWLLAGWLLAB (Boy Who Looks Like A Girl Who Looks Like A Boy) Dolgopolov (21). BWLLAGWLLAB was up but he decided to let the match go and totally capitulated in the 5^th set 6-7 6-4 2-6 6-4 6-1. Anyway, Dimitrov is supposedly the “dark horse” in this competition. Yeah okay! I mean I seriously doubt one of these scrubs is going to pull a “Stan” at Wimbledon. Other winners include Baby Ali (14) and Chin Cilic (26) who beat Berdshite (6) in straight sets. Chin Cilic played an excellent match. I swear Berdshite is bird brain. He is so passive in big matches. Meanwhile, Sergiy Stakhovsky who beat Gulbis in the 2^nd round, well he did the same nonsense by losing in the next round in the 4 sets to Jeremy Chardy. Mr. Pignini (16) aka Fognini is gone as Kevin Anderson (20) took him to the slaughter house.

I thought I was playing on the ATP

Gurl what you saying about me?

There were several 2^nd round matches that had to be completed. Marcel Granollers (30) lost to Santiago Giraldo who for his winning efforts will play Mr. Federer in the 3^rd round. Leonardo Mayers beat Andrey Kuznetsov in straight sets. Meanwhile, Jerzy Janowicz (15) took out Hewitt in 5 sets.

Divadal this is how to work an injury on court … First you fall

Then you are in real pain

Where does it hurt? Right now, my nose. Your breath stinks

Definitely abs day at the gym!!

Definitely working on my abs

Hush my baby. It’s okay sweetie. It is only one loss, I will make you feel better tonight

TSONGA ON COURT DANCE MOVES

First up in the air

Try for the splits but if you can’t try a wolf jump type (gymnastic move)

Then one hand in the air

The the other

Then you shake that thing that your mama gave you

The best I have seen Caro aka Danish Biscuit look in like forever

I think my moobs are bigger than her boobs

Wimbledon 2014 Preview Part II: The Ladies

So the ladies are set for the major of all the majors, Wimbledon. Very few ladies enjoy this tournament because this is the place where “pushing” and “looping” the ball around do not count. Those pushers and loopers die early out there. You have to have some power in your arsenal as well as deadly kill shots if you intend to do well. Even if you sneak into the final, your opponent will just crush you for days. Ask Vera Zvonavera (2010) and Bratzwanska (2012).  Therefore look for the “big girls” to do well; Serenanator, Shriekapova, Ebony Starr (one is hoping and praying), Losicki, Grand High Witch Kvitova etc etc. They are the ones who if they keep their head cool and their game tight, will be the ones in the final. Anyway, I do not have much to say about the ladies because they haven’t done much of consequence lately.

Last year’s finalists Bartoli and Losicki

Just like the men, the draw of 128 has been broken down into the Top Half (Serenanator and Halep) and the Bottom Half (LiNaLi and Bratzwanska). Each half was then further broken down into Quarters. Again, I am not going to make any real predictions but give a likely scenario and speak of possible interesting matchups. We need not make a fool of ourselves by speaking of prediction because we saw how that turned out last time at the French. I mean seriously, Serenanator lost to Muguruza in the 2^nd round. Venus losing to some Schmediova. Really gurl? Really? By the end of the first week, nearly the entire top 10 was out of the competition. You do not even need to ask but you know I was not handling this Shriekapova victory well at all. I couldn’t deal!

Anyway, the lead up tournaments to Wimbledon were all won by unlikely candidates; Ivanovic the Terrible got her life together and brought Ana to the court to win her first grass court title in Birmingham, Coco Vandeweghe…yeah that Coco Vandeweghe won ‘s-Hertogenbosch which is in Holland I think if I am not mistaken and another American Madison Keys won Eastbourne. These winners are not known for their grass court prowess but it will be interesting to see what happens to them at Wimbledon. Speaking of Wimbledon, unlike for the men, the committee decided not to touch the women’s seedings. The top 32 ranked players were seeded as such. They didn’t even move up Shriekapova (5) or Ebony Starr (30). I mean if you are going to bump up the likes of Andreas Seppi from 34^th in the world to 25^th seed Tabasco Verdasco from 23^rd to 18^th seed and Jerzy Janowicz from 24^th to the 15^th seed then demote Stan W who is 3^rd in the world to 5^th seed and put World’s number one Divadal who won only a single match in 2 years at Wimbledon as the number 2 seed, you might as well apply some of this inane logic to the ladies. I am just saying that Cibulkova doesn’t deserve to be 10^th seed and who are we kidding with LiNaLi being the number 2 seed and D’Stove Stosur as the 17^th seed. Anyway, I digress..

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Serenanator [1] v Shriekapova [5]

So the Serenanator has been having issues at the majors. She has been a mess as of late by her own standards. However, Wimbledon is her favourite place to play and she is looking for her 6^th Wimbledon crown. If she is set her year right, Wimbledon is definitely the place to begin. She has a somewhat tough draw, possibly facing fellow American Christina McHale aka McFail in the 2^nd round, then in the 3^rd round Alize Cornet aka Cornemort (23) who beat her in Dubai semifinal this year and a very hot Genie Bouchard (13) in the Round of 16. Then on top of all of that, she can face Shriekapova (5) in the quarterfinals which would the 10^th anniversary of their meeting in the 2004 final when Shriekapova simply crushed the Serenanator. Ironically, it has been nearly 10 years since Shriekapova last beat the Serenanatnor. Andreas Petkovic (20) is also in this section of the draw as a possible 3^rd round opponent for the American.

As of late S in Serenanator has come to mean, S for Struggle

Things are not so easy for reigning French Open champion Shriekapova either. She not only have to factor in that if she wants to win Wimbledon she will need to solve her Serenanator problem in the quarterfinals but first there is also Anastasia Pavlychenkova (26) aka Fattychunkova or Camila Giorgi in the 3^rd round and Carebear Kerber (9) in the Round of 16. Now these ladies, Fattychunkova, Giorgi and Kerber aren’t really worthy opponents for Shriekapova but they have shown in the past that they can beat her and they will be looking for win here if for nothing else but to shut her up. She has really grown quite full of herself as of late. Shriekapova will be looking for the French Open/Wimbledon double which has not been done on the ladies side since the Serenanator in 2002.

Shriekapova getting that practice in

Quarter 2: Halep [3] v Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic [7]

The 2014 French Open finalist, Halep (3) should have an easy enough time getting to the Round of 16 which she would possibly face the winner of the Ivanovic the Terrible (11) or Sabine Losicki (19) 3^rd round match. Ivanovic the Terrible will have to get past Francesco Schiabone in the 1^st round. Fivehead Jankovic (7) might be facing Halep in the quarters but there is Yaroslava Shvedova lurking in the 2^nd round. There is an interesting 1^st round matchup of Madison Keys v Monica Puig. This is worth watching. This section is about as easy a section as one can be. So watch out for a breakthrough star/unknown to come out of this region.

Halep trying to win her 1st major

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Bratzwanska [4] v Vickie [8]

I am so happy that Vickie is back on the tour. She is a delight to watch and I know she would spare me from some of the silliness I have seen on the tour during her absence. I am happy that she is back. She lost in her first round encounter in Eastbourne last week but I am sure she will get better at this tournament. Last year she had to pull out in the 2^nd round I think due to injury but in 2012 she made the semis and also won an Olympic bronze medal. So she can play on the stuff. She is an unpredictable factor in this section of the draw. She also has to with Garbine Muguruza (27) or Coco Vandeweghe in the 3^rd round and the winner of the 3^rd round matchup of Cibuttkova (10) and Lucie Safarova (23) aka Lady Gollum in the Round of 16.

Vickie is eager to get back on the court of another major

Bratzwanska (4) did not have the French Open that she would have preferred. She didn’t even make it past the 3^rd round if I am not mistaken. She has to deal with Kuzi-Rex (28) in the 3^rd round. Tsvetana Pironkova and Varvarne Lepchenko who play each other in the 1^st round could be a possible 4^th round opponent. There is also Sara Errani (14) in this section of the draw. Alien v Predator (Errani) has to get past France’s Caroline Garcia.

Quarter 4: LiNaLi (2) v GHW Kvitova (6)

GHW showing off her magic works

2011 Champion Kvitova (6) is looking to recapture the magic here. She has been a sorta no-show for most tournaments since that historic win several years ago. She also found herself in scandal when she recently started dating Shark Boy Radek Stapenek. However, she dumped the ugly troll recently and might be more focused on her tennis. Ebony Starr aka Venus Williams (30) is in this section of the draw and could face Kvitova in the 3^rd round. Seriously, Venus is capable of getting to the finals. HONESTLY she can do this. However, we are talking about Venus here and relying on her to do good things is like quitting your job and banking on winning the lottery to support yourself. #foolish #uttermadness. Nonetheless, on a personal note, I feel this is my best option right now in life since I am unemployed. So do not count Venus out. Slowe Stephens (18) who has shown a propensity to play well at majors is also in this section of the draw. However, she has Maria Krazilenko in the 1^st round. This might be a tough draw for the American especially since Krazilenko, 2012 quarterfinalist, can really play on this stuff.

This is Venus’s look for this year’s Wimbledon… I am a mehh for this one. Not the best but certainly not the worst

The sisters are playing doubles this year

LiNaLi should make the quarters; emphasis on SHOULD. This section is not loaded as other sections. There are Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (16) and Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) lurking about in these parts. Neither player has shown herself to be competent on grass. Albeit that LiNaLi isn’t known for her fine play on grass. However, Danish Biscuit and D’Stove have “somewhat tough” opening round matches. Danish Biscuit plays Shahar Peer and D’Stove plays Yanina Wickmayer.

LiNaLi is trying to create some energy behind her name here at Wimbledon. She has basically flatlined since Melbourne

Can someone tell me why Judy Murray is outside in pjs.

This concludes the ladies’ draw. Now who do you think will emerge as champion and why? Comment below!

I know many of you might not think the Preview’s are Realz’s usual realzness. However, there is a Part III looking at the WTA cocktail event. Be sure to tune in.

Australian Open 2014: Day 2

Really? You really cannot be that hot if you are wearing scuba gear outside. It must be your brain that is on fire

Well folks thus far we are definitely on track with the postings so I am indeed excited about this fact. However, I have to share a bit of misfortune for me. Now, everyone that knows me knows that I am OBSESSED with tennis. I am obsessed with tennis, opera and the Olympics…..yeah and also going to the gym (Only Goldilocks is checking for bears!) I always make it a point to mention my passion for the game of tennis as well as the fact that I have a blog. I always shamelessly try to get RealzTenisFanz out there as much as possible. So imagine my surprise when I am talking to a co-worker recently about the fact that I love tennis. She expressed her genuine shock at the fact that I love tennis for she is friends with a member of Djoker Harlequeen camp. She use to be a former supermodel working with the likes of Claudia Schiffer etc….She was big though not huge in the supermodel sense. She is a good-looking woman and her model shots are AMAZING but I digress. It gets better people… She added “You should have told me because he is always offering me tickets to the US Open! You should have told me because I would have given you the tickets! He is always offering me but I never go”

To say I was flabbergasted is not even the word. WTF? WTFF? WTMFFF?? Is she mad? Is she INSANO! How could she not know? I mean seriously, HOW?? I had to walk away because Satan was whispering evil violent things in my ears and I was ever so inclined to obey. I could not deal because for me, this was no excuse. I could not believe I was so close to being in the players’ box to wear my RealzTenisFanz T-shirt, be on TV, get publicity for this prestigious publication and be famous. I could have even been the lucky charm that Djoker Harlequeen needed to deal with Divadal on that day of the finals. And I missed all of that because of her ignorance. Can you believe the madness of the world? UTTER MADNESS! Needless to say, she was on my shit list all day long. However, come 2014, you know Realz is cashing in on this hook up!!!

Anyway, let us get to Aussie Open action. Wait, I forgot…well I was not that I forgot but it seems as though I missed this news altogether. My former model friend informed me of this. Djoker Harlequeen hired Boris Becker as his coach! Oh my berries, things are getting serious. I mean I figured that things would have to change up with Djoker as for the past 2 years, he has missed some key opportunities in at majors namely, French 2012/2013, Wimbledon 2013, US Open 2012/2013. I mean he has been a mess in big tournaments. However, I always felt that it was his faults not a coaching failure but what do I know. So he takes on a famous former big name player in his coaching corner. Marian Vajda will be taking a backseat and travel with Djoker to limited tournament. Apparently, he was influential in picking Becker as his replacement. Meanwhile, Mr. Federer hired Stefan Edberg to be in his box. We all know that Lochness Monster Murray has Ivan Lendl to help with matters. While all these former glories are trying to light up the paths for current players, Divadal has tired ole cheating Toni Nadal who I do not even think was a professional player himself but yet is kicking all these asses royally. “Isn’t this ironic?” (Alanis Morissette) There is a saying I like saying that I believe that I have coined myself; A good Mathematician isn’t necessarily a good Math teacher.”

Yeah I do not know how effective I can be but I know I would see my name more often in the papers. (Boris Becker, Djoker’s new coach 6 majors)

Mr. Federer and his new coach Stefan Edberg (6 majors)

Lochness Monster and Ivan Lendl (8 majors)

Divadal and Uncle Toni (0 majors) Just beat those bitches with their major titles

Let’s get to the results:

So the day was HOT! It was SCORCHING!! Melbourne was on fire. It was approaching near record temperatures on the grounds. I think this girl below does a way better job of expressing the heat conditions than I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8lXYWXJfHQ

Anyway, Vickie (2) was not having it at all. She looked lethargic, bothered and bloated. I do not know if it is just me but she looks out of shape. However, she is getting the job done when needs be. She took out her opponent in straight sets though it was far from a routine victory 7-6 6-2.

I cannot deal with this heat

On the other hand, Caroline Wozniacki (10) aka Danish Biscuit, wasted no time on court as she ousted her opponent 6-0 6-2. Simone Halep (11) also trashed her opponent 6-0 6-1. Dominika Cibulkova (20) took out former French Open winner Francesca Schiavone in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Francesco has been hitting tough times lately and might soon be playing qualies to be getting into tournaments. Maria Shriekapova playing the last match of the day took out Bethanie Mattek-Sands in straight sets though it was a messy affair 6-3 6-4.

Danish Biscuit was baking

Other straight sets winners include Slaone Stephens (13), Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic (8), Carlo Suarez-Navarro (16) over American Vania King, Anastasia Fattychunkova (29) and Bojana Jovanovski (33). Bratzwanska (5) made it through in 3 sets as did American Varvara Lepchenko. She will join fellow American Christina McHale in the 2^nd round.

Was Sloane endorsed by Bic Higlighters or the Las Vegas strip? She is just bright even for her own eyes!!

There were no major upsets though some seeded players fell by the way. Kuzi Rex (19) lost in straight sets to Ukrainian Elena Svitolina 3-6 3-6, Sorana Cirstea (21) also lost in straights as Kaia Kanepi (24) got bounced in 3 sets.

Interesting ladies match up for Day 3 Sam Stosur (17) v Tsevtana Pironkova (night session), Sabine Lisicki (15) v Monica Niculescu. Be prepared for pending upsets here. The Serenanator and LiNaLi will also take the court. It is suppose to be another scorching day tomorrow so be prepared for retirements, medical timeouts and possible fainting.

Keeping it chill!

On the Men’s side, Mr. Federer opened his campaign for a 5^th Aussie Open title. Maybe it was the heat but I am not liking for Mr. Federer is looking these days. I know Mr. Federer is 32 and that he is not the Mr. Federer of 2005-2009. However, Mr. Federer is playing erratic/senile tennis. Those balls are landing very short in the court. At times there were flashes of brilliance but other times it was just banality of the highest order. Maybe I am being far too harsh as this is my main how. The thing is it that Mr. Federer is struggling against players of no mettle, merit or might. James Duckworth was giving Mr. Federer a run for his money. The Aussie was playing rather well within himself and it was mere luck and happenstance why he did not manage to pickpocket a set from the Swiss. At the very key moments of the match, Duckworth started to play Fuckworth tennis and Mr. Federer just seized his chance. It was not pretty but it passed and Mr. Federer is through to the 2^nd round 6-4 6-4 6-2.

I got through the day!! Mr. Federer what’s with the pants pattern? They fit nicely though

 Mr. Federer is sitting all hung packing his balls in more than his bag. No wonder Mirka is pregnant again. Fed be laying it down

In other news, Duckworth was not the only Aussie man to be sent packing as this major is near douche free when Hewitt and Tomic were ousted in the 1^st round. I could not be more ecstatic. Tampomic retired after the 1^st set against Divadal (1) with a “groin injury” I want to say something nasty about this matter but it is far too vile even for Realz to repeat. It does not matter to Divadal, he is through to the 2^nd round and on his way to his 2^nd Aussie Open title.

Yeah I am feeling more douchey than usual. Of course I am going to retire, why waste my time out here. I can be home in time to watch Maria’s match.

However, this was not the best result, Rusty Hewitt lost his match in 5 sets. You know how he loves the heroics and to be screaming Come ONs all over the place. He clashed up against Andreas Seppi (24) my sweet sweet Italian sausage and dropped the first 2 sets 6-7 3-6. It is at this moment when Hewitt often shines and he did not disappoint taking the next two sets 7-5 7-5 and he did so at the latter stages of those sets as both times, Seppi failed to hold serve to go to a tiebreaker. So in 5^th set, Seppi returned the favour by breaking Hewitt in the 12^th game to take the set and the match. G’day Mate!!! Yes.

Baby Ali is looking ruff and tuff with his Afro puff

Baby Ali (10) went through in straight sets as did Lochness Monster (4) Feliciano FeFe Lopez (26) and Monfils aka Beetlejuice (25). Del Potro Beast Boy (5) won in 4 sets. This is why Del Potro finds difficulty winning another major. He is in the early stages of matches, monkeying around and wasting energy. Why is he in a 4 set battle against Rhyne Williams? Who is Rhyne Williams? Other 4 set winners include Fernando Tabasco Verdasco (31), Milos Raonic (11) and Grigor Dimitrov (22) who is now working with Roger Rasheed former coach of Monfils. I am excited by this news. I hope Grigor produces better results this year. He has a lot of potential. Kei Nishikori (16) is another one of those players who is not efficient at majors. He won a 5 set battle to move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, Gilles Simon (18) beat my boo Danny Brands 16-14 in the 5^th set to move through to the next round. Young Americans Donald Young and Jock Sock also move through to the 2^nd round. Meanwhile, fellow American John Isner had to retire after 2 sets with an aggravated ankle injury.

Nice to see Donald Young winning a major match

Radek Stepanek aka Shark Boy retired in the 4^th set after winning the first 2. I guess he is protecting his body as he has doubles to play. He is the defending US Open doubles champ. Smart man about the money.

Interesting matchups tomorrow for the men.. Sam Querry v Ernst Gulbis and Nikolay Davydenko v Richard Gasquet (9). I looked at the schedule and saw that Matthew Ebden (Aus) will play 28^th seed Vasek Pospisil (Can) is in the 2^nd match for the night session at the Rod Laver Arena. Ebden is currently ranked 67 in the world. Are they fcuking kidding me? What kinda a bullshit is this? This is like the warmup act closing the show and the main event came on only for sound check. Australian Open better check their nationalism madness at the door. Not even at the US Open will I see a Jock Sock or Donald Young night match UNLESS they are playing one of the big boys! Ain’t nobody have time for this.

Hope you enjoy!!! AND SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT REALZ TENIS FANZ!!

PICTURE SHOW: Treasure Chests!!

Divadal is giving that camera man in the back some action

Berdych showing us his pecs

Alejandro Gonzalez of Colombia getting in on the action

Kei Nishikori

Fognini

Oh Fogging Fognini

Boo can I do that for you??

But tennis players have nothing on these guys..

Cullen Jones… I want to be a water droplet right now

Ryan Reynolds…Blade Trinity… that’s all I got to say…

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 1

Let me in!! Let me in!!

Now that Day 1 is over, I do not think that any of the results came as a HUGE surprise. I mean there were upsets and of course disappointments but all in all, the results mostly reflected what has been trending for a while.

On the ladies, side, the Serenanator (1) wasted little time dispatching her Aussie opponent as she in barely an hour, took the match 6-2 6-1. Ashleigh Barty had some good shots here and there but it was not enough to stop the American.

I know you are ready for your opponents ReRe but I am not ready for this outfit! BURN IT!!!

LiNaLi (4) also looked impressive as she dumped her opponent 6-2 6-0. The 9th seed, Kerber had a lil problem with Jarmila Gajdosova but came through in 3 sets 6-3 0-6 6-2. Ivanovic the Terrible (14) came through comfortably in straight sets as did Sabine Lisicki (15) Monica Niculescu, Tsetvana Pironkova, Moaning Mona Barthel, Yanina Wickmayer and Monica Puig. 18th seed Kristen Flipkens took out British Laura Robson 6-3 6-0. Robson needs to get her life together if she wants to make a decent living on the tour and not be another Anne Keothavong. Meanwhile, Robson’s countrywoman Heather Watson also lost though she made her match a bit more competitive v Daniela Hanthucova (31) 5-7 6-3 3-6.

LiNaLi showing off that sliced backhand

Some interesting results on the ladies side…. Well first off you know I am smarting because Venus Williams set me up again!! I can’t with this woman. She was bossing Ekaterina Makarova (22) around for a set and a half 6-2 4-4 but all of sudden, Venus double faulted 3 times in a row to hand the game and basically the set to Makarova. In the 3rd set, Venus was up 3-0! Then she lost the next 6 of 7 games. I was beside myself. She was playing so well. The groundstrokes were popping and she was moving forward. However, she just decided to hurt my feelings and mess up my entire evening. Makarova moves to the 2nd round having taken out another Williams Sister 2-6 6-4 6-4.

Venus angst!!!

Makarova is making it a habit of taking out Williamses in Australia

There were several other interesting results: Like I said of Petra Kvitova, she is going into fast decline and that showed up in her lost to Luksika Kimkhum (I wish I were making up this name). Kvitova (6) got bounced 2-6 6-1 6-4 to some unknown Thai player. She was not the only top seed to said bye bye to Melbourne, the doubles team of Roberta Vinci (12) and Sara Errani (7) were both dismissed from the singles event. Vinci going down in straights to former semifinalist Jie Zheng and Errani leaving thanks to Julia Goerges.

Wearing pepto bismal pink, playing like diarrhea, game and ranking slipping and dating Stepanek. Yes, Stepanek curse in full effect

I see boobs but I am not sure… this is very feMALE indeed

Of course I was very excited when I saw the draw and it was Kvitova I was playing. She is still dating Stepanek right? So I knew I had more than a shot! I had a winning shot

I should also mention that Stosur avenged her recent lost to Klara Zakopalova by beating her in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Also Granny Goodness Date-Krumm lost to perhaps the youngest girl in the field Belinda Bencic of Switzerland in straight sets.

Thank you very much for coming. Nice warm up

On the men’s side, things were more routine. Ferrer (3) and Djoker Harlequeen (2) wasted no time getting rid of their opponents in straight sets. There is no point in sticking around on court for more time than you need to. Stan Wawrinka (8) got even less time when his opponent reitred in the 2nd set. Fabio Fognini (15) also benefitted from a retirement when Alex Bogomolov went out injured. Bershite (7) also is through in straight sets as well as Richard Gasquet (9), Mikhail Youzhny (14), Jeremy Chardy (29) and Dmitri Tursanov (30).

Oh wait she is not one of the guys…

Jerzy Janowicz (20) perhaps love work because he was out there for 5 sets for no apparent reason but he is through to the 2nd round. Other 5 set winners include Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19) Julian Benneteau and Nikolay Davydenko.

Glittering Gulbis

Munchable Monaco

23rd seed Ernest Gulbis beat Juan Monaco in 4 sets. This is a sad result because they are both such PHYNE specimen but Monaco has not been so well since the break up with a certain top Diva. That Gulbis is even seeded and Monaco is not, shows how much the Argentine is hurting from that dismissal. Marcos Baghdatis, known for his on court heroics, had a major fail in front of this very Cypriot crowd when Uzbekistani Denis Istomin knocked him out in straight sets and did so in fine style. Ivan Dodig (32) knocked out monster server Ivo Karlovic in straight sets also.

Divadal was only fcuking with your head. You know that. Realz loves you not Divadal!

Tomorrow, both bottom halves will be playing and we are set to see Divadal, Mr. Federer, Lochness Monster, Baby Ali, Beetlejuice, Vickie, Fivehead Jungle Witch, Bratzwanska and Shriekapova all on court.

Let us take a break and just watch

Don’t forget to spread the word about REALZTENISFANZ!!!

Venus I do not even know what to say about this head!!! ratchet!!

Robson you look like someone’s runaway bridesmaid. WTF is this dress about??

I need to get me a sip of Andreas Seppi indeed

Oh Patty Rafter… you’re turning into Fatty Rafter these days

Spanish Armada!!… At least part of the fleet

I am best amongst my fellow menz

Did someone fart?? I am smelling shite….Oh Hey Tomic…..

So you gonna come by my room later right. I will leave the door open

Mister, I can see your penis and that’s not okay at this time

They say I was going to get groupies but I didn’t want these old bitches..

Australian Open 2014

Every major, when I’m trying to rearrange my life to get in as much tennis in as possible, I always contemplate whether to post a preview bit. Now mind you, all the major publications do so in an effort to drum up some interest and frankly so that they can talk. However, with the current state of both the men and women’s tours, matters have long been decided. For the past three years now, it’s been the same gang at the top. There’s nothing new to say. I am sure the same notes from the preview to the French, Wimbledon and the US Open 2012 and 2013 will apply for this Australian Open 2014. I dare someone to say otherwise.

However, I figured that RealzTenisFanz cannot be so far out of the main stream though we are hardly the type of prestigious publication to follow trends blindly. Nonetheless, I figured why not revive the blog for 2014 with a lil something for the Fanz.

From Realz!!

While we are on this subject Fanz, I think 2014 will see us going on quite a bit so I want to thank you all for your continued support. Happy New Tennis Year ! I know many of you are dying to tell about your Christmas and New Years affairs. However, we aren’t here for that. We will get into personal gossips later on. Furthermore, our lives aren’t nearly as interesting as the pro players so we will ignore our mundane madness for the sake of their more scintillating sagas.

So let us have the realz score on this one now

But let us not digress…. Wait, I’m not sure if I actually confirmed this but I regret to inform you that it’s really true that Petra Kvitova and Radek Stepanek are in fact a couple. I don’t think my brain has fully grasp this ugly concept. In fact whenever I think of them as a couple, my mind’s defense system kicks in and automatically blurs Shark Boy’s face.

Homewrecker??? Nicole and Radek on their wedding day. Right, Petra in her version of a black dress

PeekaBoos!!

Can’t deal with that much beastliness in one thought. I know people will label Petra a homewrecker seeing as Shark Boy is still married to former top ten Nicole Vaidisova. However, in my humble opinion, it was a hideous home. It ain’t for looks or charms so it has to be he drops his shorts and you silly school of girls just lose your bloody minds as well as your panties.

Wait what do you mean I have to share you??

This was Petra’s old boo but she don’t want no small fry anymore… she’s looking for big fish

So Nickie girl, you get yourself some new dick though I am guessing that Shark Boy is hung like a sperm whale because too many decent looking girls are getting bitten by this predator. I bet he be munching on their seabed like it the last plankton in all of the Red Sea. Sushi is on the menu girls and you are the catch of the day! Ladies I advised you all to invest in a decent toy and if not get yourself a good “buddy” with ironclad contractual terms, safe play because no one deserves to be caught up in the cult that is Radek Stepanek. He’ll kill your joy and your career. Ask Martina Hingis and Nicole. At this point in Petra’s career, she doesn’t know where she’s going but most certainly sure that she’s coming and coming very regular. So I guess I should be happy for her?

And she found it with Shark Boy

To the real tennis newz :

Divadal before his make up!

On the men’s side, the number one seed, Rafael Nadal aka Lord Clay aka Divadal aka Lord Clay and hardcourt Divadal (She lost only two clay court matches last year and didn’t lose on hardcourt whilst picking up his 8th French Open title and 2nd US Open crown), has a draw of death. It’s just traps all over the place. First off he has to deal with Bernard Tampomic and frankly I know the Spanish Diva is going to handle this mess in 3 straight kleenex sets but no one wants to deal with the Aussie crowds fully supporting their man and the added misfortunes of having to endure Bernard’s on court bullshit. You know this latent case is going to be showing her dirty knickers all over the place when those Divadal forehands be coming from all corners of the court. It’s going to be a mess I’m sure of it.

Yeah I am a douche… so what?? Am I the biggest douche down under?? Hmmm

No I am the biggest douche down under

What’s even worst for the number one seed is that he has to deal with not one Aussie Asshole but two; Lleyton Hewitt is also on this section. Hewitt’s career got a resurrection of sorts when he beat Mr. Federer in Brisbane last week in 3 sets. So look out this possible 4th round clash.

I am ready for all these douche bags. Bring them on!!

Wait did you say Xisca is coming on court?? I need to get out of her.

Beetlejuice is lurking for Divadal in this section for a possible 3rd round match up that’s if Beetlejuice shows up in Melbourne to play tennis and not to pay clown.  Divadal has to also contend with Beast Boy who is definitely poised this year to make some real major noise again. Del Potro wants another major and he will get it soon enough in my humble and often awesome opinion. But all in all its unlikely he is losing early unless Rosol and Darcis had a baby together.

I don’t know which Beetlejuice will show up

Ahh the maladies of Murray have already begun and he hasn’t even played a match yet

On the other side of the top half is Lochness Monster who has had a rather dismal year since winning Wimbledon last year. This creature might be stumbling since his magical 2012. Murray has been featured in three Aussie Open finals now I think and winning a total of 1 set of the ten that he played. I’m sure he thinks that the 4th time is the charm. However you know this is of no concern to me because Mr. Federer (6) is in this quarter and that’s my main man. However, Mr. Federer has two French men in his realm, Baby Ali et Chicken leg Simon. They both come lethal and with historic wins over the greatest thing since slice in my tennis world.

I don’t know what is going on with me anymore. I am going senile on the tennis courts it seems.

The Scotsman has to deal with the likes of BFG John Isner and Chin Cilic. This is just tough half all over. Just potential problems all over the place for everyone. No match is an easy round.

Despite all this, I think Divadal is coming through this half. Mr Federer might get to the semis but he doesn’t have the stamina to deal with the hard court beast that is Divadal plus Mr. Federer has far more pressing issues before he gets to semis…. And that’s if he even gets there. My man is no longer a safe bet especially as the 6th seed. He’s working with Stefan Edberg but I’m not sure this will help. Federer needs a nutritionist to help him gain muscle mass. No Bueno! I almost forgot the gossip, Mirka is pregnant again. I couldn’t really tell because she always look with child. However, Mr. Federer made the announcement on Facebook and I have to take his word for it on these matters.

Mommy and granny holding the girls… possibly brother(s) on the way??

David Ferrer’s quarter…. Is this even a legitimate expression? However the numbers don’t lie, he’s the 3rd ranked player and gets his own section. However this prize hasn’t brought him much gifts because he has to deal with a lot of bigger men, Tommy Haas Mikhail Youzhny, Tomasz Berdshite and Jerzy Janowicz. It’s going to be tough and of course he has the 3 time defending champion Djoker Harlequeen on his side.

I am gonna be passing out some chocolate because I have a sweet sweet draw

Now I have seen easy bake oven draws in the past but I think this quarter for Novak is a new model where we might as well had just give Novak byes all the way to the finals or at least the semis to make it interesting. There’s no one in this section to trouble the man. No one! Ernst Gulbis? Richard Gasquet? Marcos Baghdatis? Ain’t he married? This must be sketch comedy because I know Djoker is laughing his ass off. The only possible hiccup is Stan Wawrinka and we all know how messy this girl can be. She got handled at the US Open and that must still be hurting.

Anyway, I think Divadal and Djoker are the two contenders here though I do not look forward to a possible finals between these two as I would like to not waste 7 hours of my life with these two for one of them to finally take the title.

It is just me, myself and I out there. No one comes close to me.

On the ladies’ draw I mean what more can one say other than the Serenantor (1) is here to win this title and try yet again for the one thing that her career does not have: a true Grand Slam. She is going for it this year full steam ahead. She is not going to let herself be deterred. Every year since 2010 she is becoming more and more mentally focused and her hard work is paying off. Since that ugly defeat in 2012 at the French Open, she has been looking stupendous. Her shots are cleaner, crisper and she is staying in shape. No one has seen this kinda of focus from Serena for a long time…if not ever. It seems that everything is looking up for her now. However, we all know it is at these times when she looks unstoppable, she then lets her bad self get in the way and implodes on court. Hopefully, this sorta thing is not going to happen because I think Serena has worked hard enough and deserves the calender slam. I would also really like to see her in the 20s with major titles. She is really that good of a player!!

Yeah you forgot about me??

Yeah there are competitors to consider, Vickie (2), Maria (3) and LiNaLi (4) but do they even stand a chance? I mean Vickie is the ONLY one who does not get routine bagels and/or breadsticks from the American. Vickie can play the Serenanator but when it comes to the final stages of the match where fitness is a factor, Serena has her younger adversary beat. Maria simply does not possess the skill set to deal with Serena. I don’t think she ever will. And also her biggest problem is trying to stay positive throughout the match. It is very difficult to do as she is constantly trying to figure out what kinda diet is Serena working on that day. Is she carb counting and thus handing out bagels and breadsticks sets or is she on a gluten free diet and feels more generous in allowing an extra game here or there. Look at any of the matches these two play. Serena is almost breaking Maria at will and dispensing baked goods to the Russian like a Pillsbury. However, I would admit that last match a week ago, Maria got to a tiebreaker. However, I think Serena was just trying to be generous..Happy New Year’s Gurl….Here’s a Christmas gift; a respectable scoreline.

Now why you had to go bring up my record against the Serenanator again for?

Anyway these two can only meet in the finals. Maria and Vickie are on the same half (bottom) of the draw and Serena has to contend with LiNaLi on her half (top). Will be interesting to see what the new year brings for Li and her Cheating Coach Carlos. Serena’s quarter is rather tricky as she has some ticklish players lurking about like Tsetvana Pironkova who just won her first WTA title beating Petra Kvitova GHW (she had penis on the brain) along the way. There is also the huge serving Eugenie Bouchard (30) of Canada, tenacious Jie Zheng, Ana Ivanovic (14) the Terrible and also Sara Errani (7) but really and truly we are not exactly counting her in the mix. Serena eats Sara for a light snack. There is also local home hopeful Sam Stosur who has beaten the American twice at the majors in key matches. However, Sam does not have a great record in her home country but she won several matches this past week so this might be a turn around for her.

Do we know which LiNaLi will be on court or will Carlos continue to signal to her telling her know who she should be?

LiNaLi (4) also has a tricky set of client with GHW Kvitova (6) aka Mistress Stepanek, Sabine Lisicki (15) who it seems is now working with Martina Hingis (I don’t know why this woman just won’t go away and stay there. Can’t she find more men to beat up? She really does not contribute much to game at this time. She is fighting so hard to be relevant but she barely has a point except on pencil. And she should just erase herself with the other end. She was a great student of the game but hardly is she selfless enough to be a decent teacher.) Carebear Kerber (9) is also around in these parts. I almost forgot to mention that resident veteran Venus Williams is also on board at this Open. She will open her campaign against crazy lefty Ekaterina Makarova (22) who has been known as a very dangerous floater. She has some good scalps in her career including Serena and 5th seed here Radwanska. So Makarova is not to be dismissed lightly.

You don’t worry about my draw and/or drawers okay. Just how I like it… easy, breezy

Sometimes when I look at Maria’s draw at majors, I often wonder if the committees are confused about the concept of “draw” It might be that they are thinking more “drawers” than “draw” because Maria always getting some easy sexy cute draws. There is absolutely no one of consequence in her section of the draw. Not one. You know who Maria is opening up against, Bethanie Mattek-Sands and one noted sports writer claimed Carlo Suarez-Navarro is the dark horse pick and figured she will get to the semis. I think he means, she is going to buy a ticket to watch the match. Most certainly she is not going to be winning 5 singles matches and earn her place. I mean seriously now? Dark Horse pick… This is more likely a Black Unicorn pick. So because of this it means that Jelena Jankovic aka Fivehead Jungle Witch (8) v Maria really going to be the big matchup of this section. I would rather vomit.

I hope you all didn’t forget about me now

Vickie has a relatively okay section with several of her favourite punching bags Slaone Stephens (13), Danish Biscuit Wozniacki (10) and off course her best pigeon Agniezska Radwanska (5). Vickie couldn’t ask for a better route to the semis.

All in all I don’t think she is retaining her title this year. This is the Serenanator’s title for the taking.

FASHION FORWARD???

Serena gurl, you need to better cage that tiger of yours… I can see claws coming out…

Vee gurl… WTF with that weave…We need to hook you up….that front is a hotmess

Apparently LiNaLi moonlights as a clown after hours.

It is not great but it is not bad and for Maria, this is all good

This is very good from Sabine

Who knew the German was also a succubus?

Daniela showing all the itches how you step it up! Gorgeous! Giving them Farrah Fawcett hair tease realness!!! YES M’AM

Apparently, men and women went to different functions because David look like he just got off from practice. UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Even with ugly New Balances, the ratty t-shirt and the buzz cut, this Spanish flame is still burning hot

US Open 2013: Day 10

Flavia Pennetta is having a most wonderful US Open

So I am finally at Day 10 which only had 4 singles matches. Much of it were easy contests as Flavia Pennetta took out her countrywoman Roberta Vinci in straight sets 6-4 6-1. This was a rather surprising result as I really expected more from Vinci. She tried out there to be fair but everything she tried just was not working and was unable to come up with something more tactical to deal with the game of Pennetta. Pennetta is currently ranked 83^rd in the world but is definitely a seasoned player. She was not about to let an opportunity like this go to waste. This is her 1^st major semis but has had good results here. She will face Vickie, which is HUGE obstacle to get by.

I am getting frostbite from this hug

Yes I didn’t get bagelled out here

The Belarusian had a light workout against Daniela Hantuchova who was as always missing in action. The Slovak was able to break Vickie a couple of times but the problem was that she was having great difficulty holding her own serve. She was dismissed in straight sets 2-6 2-6. Vickie is not looking at her best but she is getting the job done. On the other side of the draw is either the Serenanator or LiNaLi. Both those players I am sure will be able to take out Vickie plus they both have that revenge factor going for them. They both lost to Vickie this year on hardcourt. They most certainly will not be entertaining any notion of Vickie leaving NYC with pep in her step. They want to maim her and have her limp off the court.

I am ready for a fight itches! BRING IT ON!

On the men’s side, Divadal was expected just ripped apart Tommy Robredo and his game 6-0 6-2 6-2. I suspect the scoreline could have easily been triple bagel but Divadal thought about how it would look bad in the press and gifted his countryman 4 games. Needless to say, we all knew this would be the result.

Thanks for rolling over and dying

However, I am happy to say that we are spared a 2^nd helping of this fools’ meal when Richard Gasquet took out David Ferrer in 5 sets. I am most happy about this result. Not only because we avoid the whole Divadal/Ferrer mess match but because I actually do like Gasquet. Unfortunately, he has no real shot of beating Divadal but one can always hope and you never know. Anyway, Gasquet played an exceptional match in sets 1, 2 and 5. Where the hell he went to in sets 3 and 4 is still a mystery. That beautiful backhand of his was on pointe like a ballerina. It was hitting all corners of the court and the timing of it was magnificent to behold. It is an impressive stroke. It can do no wrong with it is working for the Frenchman. Thus, he found himself up 6-3 6-1.

Yeah I am about to blow a gasquet out here

However, in the 3^rd and 4^th sets, he became that unstable Frenchman we have known over the years. This was the same Frenchman who blew several 2 sets to love leads in his career. So many of us were already anticipating the beginning of the end for him. Fiery Ferrer is a fighter against everyone save Divadal. He will not give up until the umpire calls Game, Set and Match. He is on it and boy did he come back roaring. He just gave the Frenchman everything he had to take the 3^rd and 4^th sets 6-4 6-2.

Fiery Ferrer was unstoppable out there in the 3rd and 4th sets

We all expected him to snatch the 5^th set and the match. However, Gasquet proved me wrong and I am most happy for this. He seized his 1^st break chance opportunities at 3-2 to go up 4-2. He then held his serve to be ahead comfortably 5-2. Ferrer held his serve at 3-5 and forced the Frenchman to serve for the match and his 1^st US Open semis. The pressure was squarely on Gasquet’s shoulder but he did not succumb to the pressure. He served it out to take the set 6-3 and thus the match 6-3 6-1 4-6 2-6 6-3. This should be a wonderful confidence booster for him. Hopefully, he can keep the upset streak going and take out Divadal. But alas, I might be asking for too much here. Last time he beat the Spaniard, Gasquet noted was back when they were teenagers in Under 14 tournament. Here’s is to a Gasquet victory!

I am losing to Gasquet. Why won’t he choke? Incroyable!

I just had to beat you! I had to save the world from another Spanish match up with Divadal in the mix… NO BUENO

2	R. Nadal	6	6	6
19	T. Robredo	0	2	2
4	D. Ferrer	3	1	6	6	3
8	R. Gasquet	6	6	4	2	6

And in other news, the Williams Sisters are in still in the Doubles draw

I bet you Realz gonna say shite about my handbag… He’s such a hater

I am not gonna lie.. Divadal got some nice legs

This is what happens when the ATP knows that you are never going to win a major. They give you consolation prizes (aka Sportsmanship Award) presented by another non-major winner.

The best I have ever seen Murray look

There is a cold front coming from Anna Wintour as always (Gurl time to change up that look…)

The was suppose to be all about Dakota Fanning and her man…but I can’t help but look at the woman behind who looks like she just jumped out of a Hitchcock film

Michael Strahan and his…. friend….hmmmm

Ain’t that his boyf….. Shut your mouth. I told you that in confidence

asdsdsadas