2015 Australian Open: Menz Preview

So here we are at the Australian Open 2015, January 19-February 1! I feel like we always start out each new major posting with the same tired line. However, really and truly I am not sure how else to begin! I mean we all know why we are here and what we are about. So why complicate matters? Wait, I could have started out by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR to my old fanz and the new fanz we hope to get this coming year! I am hoping that 2015 bring RealzTenisFanz into more homes, screens, mobile devices and tennis fans’ consciousness. We are not seeking legitimacy here because RealzTenisFanz is and has always been a “prestigious publication”. RealzTenisFanz is however seeking more recognition, more publicity because let us be real about the matter, RealzTenisFanz does not really have much us an audience! We are going to change that for 2015. We are also going to change the fact that FANZ NEED TO COMMENT BELOW!

COMMENT BELOW

In case you are new to RealzTenisFanz and I hope that many of you are new, we keep it realz and controversial in these parts. We do not hold back and we have no/nil/nilch/zero fcuks and/or cares to give! You will love it here because we allow everyone to have a say (PLEASE COMMENT BELOW) and also even if you are a casual fan of tennis or know nothing at all about the sport, RealzTenisFanz has something for you! So stick around and again Happy New Year to all my peeps and haters too! Trust and believe, Realz got nothing but admiration for my haters who can stay so bitter and keep on giving me shine! Bless your evil hearts!

Anyway, let us not digress too much! We are here for another year of tennis courtesy the many players on both the ATP and WTA! We all have ones we love (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), those we hate (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), some we pretend do not exist (Fake Fire Ferrer, St. Nick Krispy Kringle, Berdshite, Ernests Gulbis, Lordlize Cornemort, Garbine Muguruza, Tsvetana Pironkova) and those we do not even know exist (Michael Berrer, Zarina Diyas, Pablo Cuevas, Santiago Gulbis). Nonetheless, Realz is here to make all this simple and easy. Realz take away all the fluff, pomp and circumstances of “traditional and/or mainstream sports media” and give it to you straight, stiff and strong … Who am I kidding, ain’t nothing straight in these parts unless we mean “Spaghetti Straight”; it is straight until you cook it.

Enough grandstanding, so we are at the Australian Open in Melbourne and we have to do the traditional bit of “Picks of the Tournaments”! However, I often find this all very boring, dull and merely a lot of hot air talk mixed with bullshit analysis. I am not one to favour picking a winner because as you all know, Realz subscribes to the maxim, “The game is won and lost on the field not on paper!” Nonetheless, we can do some talking about the draw and checking out how things are stacked and who might get where or who might get nowhere or even who just not anywhere at all. Of course, we will have the obligatory photos to shade and shadow the players!

So let us begin with the MENZ (Do note that the WOMENZ’s breakdown will be issued in a separate post. The next post after this in fact!)

As have been the case as of late, I break the draw down into halves, then quarters and then further still into eighths. I find this way easier to deal and manage. I also wish I can come up with a cool graphic to display it all but Realz ain’t got money for all that so it will be down the good ole fashioned bootleg way! That is to say, it will be mostly words.

BELOW IS THE BREAKDOWN OF THE TOP 32 SEEDS!

2015 Australian Open Top Menz Seeds
Top Half	Bottom Half
1. Novak Djokovic (Djoker Harlequeen)	2. Roger Federer (Mr. Federer/Mr. Federror)
4. Stan Wawrinka (Stanley)	3. Rafael Nadal (Divadal)
5. Kei Nishikori (Horsikori)	6. Andy Murray (Lochness Monster)
8. Milos Raonic (Dennis the Menace)	7. Tomas Berdych (Berdshite)
9. David Ferrer (Fake Fire Ferrer)	10. Grigor Dimitrov (Maria’s Bulgarian handbag)
12. Feliciano Lopez (FeFe Lopez)	11. Ernests Gulbis (Nothing has stick yet)
13. Roberto Bautista-Agut (Not Worthy)	14. Kevin Anderson (Not Worthy)
16. Fabio Fognini (Pignini)	15. Tommy Robredo (Not Worthy)
17. Gael Monfils (Beetlejuice)	20. David Goffin (Hobbit)
18. Gilles Simon (Chicken Legs/Drumsticks)	22. Philipp Kohlschreiber (Nothing has stick yet)
19. John Isner (Big Friend Giant Mountain Troll)	23. Ivo Karlovic (Nothing has stick yet)
21. Alexandr Dolgopolov (BWLLAGWLLAB)	24. Richard Gasquet (Nothing has stick yet)
25. Julien Benneteau (Julie B)	26. Leonardo Mayer (Mulling over a name for him)
27. Pablo Cuevas (Have no idea who he is)	28. Lukas Rosol (Ended Divadal’s 2012 life)
30. Santiago Giraldo (Who he?)	29. Jeremy Chardy (Not Worthy)
31. Fernando Verdasco (Tabasco Verdasco)	32. Martin Klizan (Not Worthy)

*Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person! 
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

So let us begin:

Djoker (1) v Stanley (4) Top Half

Bae, why does your face feel like it got attacked by a meat tenderizer?

Djoker (1) v Raonic (8) Quarter

You all know I am here to pick up my 5th Aussie Open title

Djoker’s Section Eighth: The 4-time Aussie Open Champion, Djoker, opens his bid for a 5^th title with a qualifier. He has no one of real quality until a possible 3^rd round showing against Tabasco Verdasco (31) a previous semifinalist here if I am not mistaken. However, if we are going to be serious here, Tabasco Verdasco has long since failed to be a hot consistent player on tour unless we are talking body hot and even there he is lacking as of late. Truth be told, he is playing more like mayonnaise than hot sauce these days. I am actually surprised that he is seeded here at all. Therefore, Djoker should have no trouble at all getting to the 4^th Round where he could meet either John Isner (19) aka BFG Mountain Troll or Roberto Bautista-Agut (13) who has a different Spanish style of game. He hits a flat ball compared to his other compatriots. Djoker should get to quarters no problemo to face a real threat of sorts Milos Raonic!

Don’t forget about me! I might be spoiling some people’s plans!

Raonic’s Section Eighth: In the quarters for the Serbian, looms another big server in the form of Raonic (8). The Canadian should also get to the quarters but he has to be very very smart about his tennis. There are several well-experienced players in his eighth of the draw and they can be rather problematic. There are also a lot of tall players in this section. No doubt Raonic should move past the first two rounds. However, waiting for him in the 3^rd round could be Julie B (25) or Lleyton Hewitt who even though is old and broken, does tend to like to stir things up when the big lights are on him. The organizers will definitely schedule this matchup on primetime and on Rod Laver Arena. However, Raonic should be able to handle this pressure by now. A 4^th round possibility for the Canadian is Fefe Lopez (12) or Monfils aka Beetlejuice (17) and if he gets Beetlejuice, he might be in serious trouble. There are several matches in this section which should be rightly entertaining: A possible Juan Martin Del Potro (back from long term wrist injury) verses another giant in Jerzy Janowicz in the 1^st round, then the winner of this faces Beetlejuice and the winner of that match play a possible Lopez (12) in the 3^rd round and then that winner play Raonic. It is like the “Battle of the Giants”

*Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy has just pulled out of the Aussie Open citing precaution of a possible wrist injury! SUCH A SHAME. He will be replaced by Hiroki Moriya from Japan. I have NO IDEA who he is. As we are talking about those who will not be here, we should mention that Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Marin Cilic have both pulled out of the tournament citing injuries. Tsonga would be missed but I think Cilic pulled out because of the pressure of living up to his US Open win at the next major! It would be less pressure at the French Open where he is hardly favoured to win. 

Stanley (4) v Horsikori (5) Quarter

Don’t get it twisted folks, I am defending champion so I got street creds for this here title!

Stanley’s Section Eighth: Stanley (4) should get to the Round of 16 without any hiccups whatsoever. I do not believe he will retain his surprise title from last year. No Shade No T here, Stanley took out Djoker, Berdshite and Divadal en route to the title. That was a real Herculean effort, unlikely to be repeated ever again but he still deserves praise for that accomplishment. However, he has the potential of at least getting to the semis which considering his usual pedigree would be a major achievement in and of itself. He could face in the 4^th round (Round of 16), Fabio Fognini aka Pignini (16) and this I doubt because Pignini with slaughter himself along the way.

The teeth though!

Horsikori’s Section Eighth: Horsikori (5) might have a tougher time getting to the quarterfinals. Gilles Simons (18) aka Chicken Legs or Drumsticks is capable of being a tough opponent if he plays to his true potential and not his shoe size. Kei will however, start off his Melbourne campaign against Nicolas Almagro who is returning to tour from long term injury. It is nice to see him back on tour, in fact, I love to see his back on tour because his behind is muy caliente. Horsikori should get to the Round of 16 where he can potentially face Fake Fire Ferrer (9) who is desperate to get back in top 5 ranking. Ferrer loves nothing better than to occupy that 5^th place spot! He will be coming for Horsikori’s mane.

I mean look at this booty of Almagro! #icant

And this bodé! I mean he is not going to be around long so we have to soak up as much as we can while we can! 

Fake Fire Ferrer doesn’t like being so close to bottom of the top 10! For him, being 5 in the world is Number 1 in his book, so best believe, he is looking to get back up there in 2015

Mr. Federer (2) v Divadal (3) Bottom Half

Mr. Federer giving Divadal the sideeye having had his wig snatched by the Spaniard in Melbourne so many times now

Divadal (3) v Berdshite (7) Quarter

Berdshite is still around … however, the tournament haven’t started yet

Berdshite’s Section Eighth: Berdshite should get to the Round of 16 at the very least. However, knowing how this Czech can go well off the rails, he is capable of losing in the 1^st round as well as getting to the semifinals with some luck. He might face some stiff competition in the 3^rd round if Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) is also playing up to his true potential. The same can also be said for Ernests Gulbis (11) who might face Berdshite in the 4^th Round. Also lurking in these parts are Kevin Anderson (14) who has yet to get a win over Berdshite (one of the few sure things in Berdshite’s life) and also Gasquet (24). This section of the draw has the potential of a surprise quarterfinalist and/or some “upsets”.

Divadal is here people! Don’t get it twisted, he might have been “sick” for months now but he is dangerous in Melbourne

Divadal’s Section Eighth: Divadal has an easy ride into the semifinals. The former champion here in 2009 and last year’s finalist is looking to prove his worth after disappearing yet again from the tour with an “abnormal case of appendicitis”. He looked rusty in Doha losing to Michael Berrer (I don’t know who he is either) but there is virtually no one in these parts that Divadal cannot handle. However, I would have thought he could have handled the scrub Berrer. Nonetheless, this is a major and Divadal usually gets his life together for these big occasions. He opens against Mikhail Youzhny who is a former top 20 player but somehow found himself lurking in the far depth of the ranking. Youzhny if I am not mistaken has a win against Divadal at a major but I doubt it very much if he will be so lucky again. While we are on the subject of surprise win over Divadal at a major, in this section lurks the mercurial Lukas Rosol (28) who might be Divadal’s 3^rd round opponent. However, I am not even sure if Rosol would get that far in the draw but I thought it only fair to point out that there was a potential of it happening.

Mr. Federer (2) v Lochness Monster Murray (6) Quarter

You know if I don’t at least get to the finals, you’re fired right Amelie?

Lochness Monster’s Section Eighth: Now the end of last year did not bode well for the Scotsman who is a 3-time finalist here in Melbourne. He got his ass whipped by Mr. Federer at the Year Ending Championships; 0-6 1-6. After this result, Nessie fired his entire team with the lone exception of Amelie Mauresmo. He also decided to make it official with his long term girlfriend Kim Sears (I think that is how her name is pronounced but I hardly care one way or the other) Anyway, he too should have an easy time getting to the 2^nd week of the tournament. He will potentially face Dimitrov (10) who I am not sure about as of late.

Dimitrov is looking to get his bag straps together!

I have no clue which version of Martha’s Bulgarian handbag will show up in Melbourne. This clutch could play tennis like the real deal from the luxury shop or show up here like a knockoff from Chinatown. He should have no trouble getting past German Jamaican Dustin Brown in the 1^st round. Brown I am sure will be spending the match thinking about all the tweets about him because after the match he will spend all his time retweeting. This fool spends more time retweeting on Twitter than on the actual tennis court. He swears he is the shite. Meanwhile, he cannot make the German Davis Cup team. #gurlbye Anyway, if Dimitrov is not up to the task, lil Hobbit David Goffin (20) might be there ready to take his spot in the 4^th Round.

Mr. Federer is ready to claim his 5th Aussie Open title!

Mr. Federer’s Section Eighth: Mr. Federer also has an easy time to quarters. Hopefully the teenager, Borna Coric can get his life together and win a couple of rounds to meet Mr. Federer in the 3^rd round. Otherwise, Jeremy Chardy (29) might be Mr. Federer’s opponent. Not much to fear still unless one counts Tommy Robredo (15) who took out Mr. Federer at the 2013 US Open. Mr. Federer looked good coming into Melbourne having won the Brisbane title. He looked in great form as he dispatched both Dimitrov and Raonic. However, despite the immense talents that both Dimitrov and Raonic possess, they are hardly the real problem for Mr. Federer. If Mr. Federer wants to win this title, he has to beat Divadal and Djokovic back to back in a major. This is a HUGE ORDER especially at 33 years old. However, if anyone can get it done, it is Mr. Federer. Hopefully luck is on his side as well. 

Youngster Borna Coric is looking to make a splash on the tour this year

OVERALL IMPRESSION OF THE MENZ DRAW

There is not really much else to say. The draw is evenly distributed. I really do not think that the bottom half is stacked more so than the top. However, the Melbourne organizers see it fit to place Mr. Federer and Divadal on the same side of the draw AGAIN. Mr. Federer who has made it to the Aussie Open semis or better (4-time Champion here) since 2004 (AMAZING RECORD), always seem to bump into Divadal a lot. Anyway, I think Djoker is the favourite no matter how you slice it. Whether he would win is another matter altogether but he is the one trending in my book. Supposedly, the weather in Melbourne will be cooler over the next two weeks and the courts are playing faster … allegedly. Now this might give Mr. Federer is good chance to claim his 18^th major title but that is still is BIG ASK!

Never count out Divadal. He is on 14 majors and he is looking for number 15 to edge even closer to Mr. Federer in the top major winner category. A win here at the Aussie Open would make him the 2nd man in the Open-Era (open meaning that the sport is open to both tennis professionals and amateurs) to win each major at least twice! Meanwhile, Lochness Murray is desperate to keep his name in the “Honourable Mention” section in light of the top 3 players listed above. He can definitely make the necessary noise here to do so by winning this elusive title. However, for him to get to the final and win this title will require a Herculean effort. I am not sure he has that power.

Mr. Nicky Kripsy Kringles Kyrgios is confused as to what the deal is. He looks like he’s ready for some ratchet fashion shoot in some back alley

I don’t know why Hewitt’s son Cruz is on the court. Seems like daddy has babysitting issues. It is my feelings that Hewitt is not retiring because Becky doesn’t want him home and he needs the money because his old broken body should be home by now

Anyway, I think we can wrap up the menz here for now. I look forward to giving you the “in-depth” coverage from Melbourne!  

US Open 2013: Day 2

Things are well on their way at the Open. Day 2 was favourable weather

This entry is going to be a very very quick one. I am trying to stay on top of everything out here and really trying to discipline myself to be more focus because I lose a lot of time. So on Day 2 nothing of consequence happened per se. The USTA and the weather allowed all scheduled singles matches to be played including all incomplete matches from Day 1. I am not sure about the doubles event but then again, I hardly check on that end of the tournament. Some interesting results on the men’s side: Americans Jock Sock and Donald Young are through to the 2nd round. Young decimated his opponent, dropping just 2 games in the entire match and Sock was holding his own against an ailing Petzschner and got through when the German finally retired down 2-5 in the 3rd set.

Hold the applause please! I have a lot of catching up to do at this year’s open

By the way, while I have your attention, let me just say this. Mr. Federer is ranked 7 in the world. Yes 7 as in the number after 6 and before 8. Whenever I hear the number 7 and Mr. Federer in the same sentence, I think they are talking about 17 major titles, or 7 Wimbledon titles or even winning 7 matches at a major to win the title but never 7 and his ATP ranking. You know my heart almost failed. However, Mr. Federer has had a miserable year thus far. I think he may have won 1 title and his 2nd round loss at Wimbledon after being the defending champion coupled with his dismal performance in Europe thereafter to find his confidence. What he found at Gstaad and Hamburg were beatdowns at the hands of players he ordinarily eat up for a snack. He lost to Divadal in 3 sets in Cincinnati. So if there is ever a time Mr. Federer needs a miracle, it is here in NYC at the Open and you know I would be right here praying along with him.

Will it be the Djoker or Djuggernaut who shows up at this year’s US Open?

Lurch

Beetlejuice is BACK!!!

The usual suspects on the men’s side came and conquered. Mr. Federer of course, Djoker who was looking as polished as ever, Milos Raonic of Canada even Sam Querry  and John Isner got things going their way. Other winners include Tomas Berdych aka Lurch and Tommy “Head and Shoulders” Haas. Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice is looking fit as fiddle as he breezed through his match 6-1 6-2 6-0. Hopefully he is fully back on the tour; no injuries and no foolish heroics on the court.

Nicolas Almagro yet another wayward on tour since the dawning of Divadal

Undoubtedly there were those who saw it fit to slow the party. Jerzy Janowicz, the 14th seed, who I had high hopes for at these championships was ailing with his back and was dismissed in 3 sets. 28th seed Juan Monaco and 15th seed Nicolas Almagro were also bounced early from these games. Monaco may have been hurt but as for Almagro, this result is simply indicative of the sucky level of play he has been producing for a while now. I do not know what his deal is but he needs to get his life together.

I almost forgot that Mr. Sugapova, Grigor Dimitrov lost in 4 sets to a Portuguese hottie Joao Sousa in 5 sets.

I don’t know if it is too much sugar in his diet but Mr. Sugapova needs to his life together. He also needs to burn his shirt because it is giving me a seizure right now

See Men’s Day 2 results below.

T. Kamke	64	6	79	6
S. Johnson	77	4	67	2
N. Djokovic	6	6	6
R. Berankis	1	2	2
J. Vesely	2	2	78	5
D. Kudla	6	6	66	7
T. Berdych	6	6	6
P. Lorenzi	1	4	1
J. Monaco	4	2	0
F. Mayer	6	6	3
B. Becker	6	3	6	6
L. Rosol	3	6	3	4
D. Young	6	6	6
M. Klizan	1	0	1
N. Almagro	3	1	6	3
D. Istomin	6	6	4	6
T. Haas	6	6	6
P. Mathieu	4	4	1
J. Sock	77	3	5
P. Petzschner	62	6	2
Y. Lu	6	77	6
D. Gimeno-Traver	4	65	3
R. Federer	6	6	7
G. Zemlja	3	2	5
S. Giraldo	3	6	78	4	2
C. Berlocq	6	3	66	6	6
S. Querrey	77	4	6	6
G. Pella	63	6	1	2
R. Dutra Silva	4	3	711	6	712
V. Pospisil	6	6	69	2	610
J. Isner	6	6	6
F. Volandri	0	2	3

On the ladies side, things were also relatively quiet. Of course Petra Kvitova was dropping a set to some no name but she found herself and won in 3 sets. Petra has played 60 matches for the year and literally half of them have been 3 setters. It seems as it is all very true that she and Radek Stepanek are now an item. Petra I am telling you gurl, do not be a stupid itch….Leave that penis alone. It is addling your brains and clearly affecting your game. Soon he will have you barefoot and pregnant.

Oh Petra! Petra! Petra! Gurl get your life together

Vickie just killed her match as she double bagelled her opponent as did Sara Errani. Rumour has it that Errani and her doubles partner Roberta Vinci have a falling out. Leave it to women to always spoil a good partnership over some stupid bullshit. Anyway, there were some interesting match ups on Day 2 including Christina McHale v Julia Georges. The American won in straight sets 6-4 6-3. I think it is time we call off the search party who is looking for Julia to find her way on tour. We can officially call this one a non-factor at this point. Georges simply does not have what it takes to make a big name for herself. She is coming off as mediocre to the nth degree; scarcely worth mentioning these days.

Vickie I do not know who told you this lil number was a good idea but I’m gonna have to correct that let you know, this skirt is an EPIC FAIL. Go back to the pom pom shorts

Anywho, another interesting match was Bojana Jovanovski v Andrea Petkovic. They both share similar ethnic background who different nationalities. Petkovic is trying to find her game again but she will have to look for it elsewhere because it is not going to be found here at this year’s US Open. Bojana was all over her 6-2 6-4 in this match and Andrea just made far too many unforced errors.

Roberta, we spoke about making these faces outside in public. This is not okay! Look what you did to Daniela

OMG, I’m a gonna throw up

Some other winners of the day included Roberta Vinci, her countrywoman Flavia Pennetta, Daniela Hantucova, Ana Ivanovic who looked surprising not terrible in her 1st round match and also Moaning Mona Barthel. There were several upsets including that of the 20th, 17th and the 11th seed; Nadia Petrova, Dominika Cibulkova and Sam Stosur respectively. Nadia we are not really surprised that she lost and in straight sets too, which perhaps might be the only unexpected bit. However, she has been well off the plot for a long long time. Cibulkova, she can be either very hot or very cold. She knows no mid range and obviously she was very cold at this late summer slam. Sam Stosur on the other hand. Well, I do not even know what to say about her. She has great success here at the Open. She beat the Serenanator in 2011 and convincingly too but these days she is off in the outbacks of her mind. However, this summer, I thought she was getting her life together. She beat Vickie in California and for sure, I said, watch out for Sam at the Open. But you know how Sam is. She does everything to defy all expectations of her.

Victoria Duval in action against Sam Stosur

She played the young and upcoming American Victoria Duval who got her @$$ handed to her by Kim Clijsters in her last win at the Open in 2012. However, this year, Duval made sure she was not going to serve as a prop for Sam’s performance. She found Sam on every single point throughout the match and it paid dividends for her. She showed her “immaturity” at many stages of the match but in the end, she showed a level of steely nerves that I hope will carry her through to bigger and better things. She won 5-7 6-4 6-4. The last couple of games in the match were particularly tough but she held on. I can only hope that the US media does not kill this girl with hype.

This will undoubtedly be one of the memorable moments of this year’s championships. Victoria Duval. Now can we all agree to protect her from the crazy US media hype?

Anyway here are most of the ladies results.

2		V. Azarenka	6	6
		D. Pfizenmaier	0	0
21		S. Halep	4	6	6
		H. Watson	6	4	2
27		S. Kuznetsova	6	7
		M. Burdette	3	5
		S. Peng	6	6
		Y. Meusburger	3	4
		T. Pironkova	3	3
		A. Riske	6	6
		A. Wozniak	7	77
		V. Dolonc	5	65
		D. Vekic	77	4	6
		M. Duque-Marino	65	6	2
28		M. Barthel	6	6
		J. Larsson	1	4
11		S. Stosur	7	4	4
		V. Duval	5	6	6
4		S. Errani	6	6
		O. Rogowska	0	0
20		N. Petrova	3	4
		J. Glushko	6	6
		M. Sanchez	5	2
		D. Hantuchova	7	6
		C. Scheepers	2	6	6
		C. Simmonds	6	2	1
17		D. Cibulkova	4	3
		E. Svitolina	6	6
		M. Lucic-Baroni	4	4
		S. Vickery	6	6
26		A. Cornet	6	6
		M. Koehler	3	2

 

This is how you look when you on court and stuffing your face with a double bagel. (Vickie’s 1st round opponent)

See this is how Ivanovic The Terrible and I are always at odds with each other. She should be concentrating on her on court game instead of holding court with these men who have absolutely no interest in tennis and are just thinking about how they can pitch a “group play” session with all 4 of them to her

Can we just for a moment talk about this piece? WTF? is that a panty outline/silhouette on this thing? I mean seriously?

Rory has to shield his eyes from this filth

Maybe this is sleep deprivation at work here but I swear, Monfils is looking more put together….less Beetlejuicish here

Oh yes… Daniel Evans is shirtless… yessssssss

You know he’s thinking about me right here

See we have a problem here. This bushy tail rat got tickets to the US Open and I don’t. WTF??

Wimbledon 2013: Day 5

For Day 5 of Wimbledon, the rains wreaked havoc on the schedule, hampering much of the day’s play. With the weather being so unpredictable, only 1 of the 18 courts were in operation; Centre Court where play begins at 1:00 p.m. Meanwhile, regular scheduled play starts at 11:30 p.m. Added to all of this is the fact that men’s doubles matches are best of 5 sets. Did I mention that Wimbledon does not play tennis on the middle Sunday? And they wonder why things are always so backed up each year. Utter madness if you ask me. The English hold onto traditions despite the overwhelming evidence that not only are they archaic but also inefficient.  Anyway, when the rains did let up, they were able to complete all of the suspended and postponed matches that were carrying over from yesterday.

Oh all rightey then… I am not sure how to even approach this one. It’s June/July in England right? Just checking

There were only three ladies 2^nd round matches to be completed and 2 of them were fought amongst unseeded players. Young British hopeful, Laura Robson is through to the 3^rd round with a convincing victory over her Venezuelan opponent, 6-4 6-1. This was her 1^st win on Centre Court according to the pundits. I am sure she has not had that much visits to the arena in the 1^st place for it to be a mentionable stat but I am not even gonna check them on that. Bratzwanska’s sister Urszula Radwanska looked poised to get to the 2^nd week on Wimbledon but she as per the norm lost her mind on court and went down in 3 sets to American Alison Riske 6-4 3-6 4-6. In the lone upset of the day, Kaia Kanepi knocked out 7^th seed Angelina Carebear Kerber in 3 sets. Kanepi always makes a good showing of herself at both the French Open and Wimbledon and yesterday was no different. Kanepi looked to be down and out in the 1set set but she came back in the tiebreaker and totally dominated the 3^rd set. Kanepi is through to the 3^rd round 3-6 7-6 6-3.

Laura Robson: Have you seen the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man? Have you seen the muffin man who lives on Centre Court Lane?

Carebear Kerber was feeling no love yesterday from Kanepi

I am not about niceness…I’m a gonna punch you in the face itch!

On the men’s side, five 2^nd round matches were to be completed. 29^th seed Grigor Dimitrov was facing sudden death against his opponent Greg Zemlja being down 8-9. Dimitrov had to stave off 4/5 match points in his opening serving game for the day and though he was able to save himself then. His erratic/inconsistent style of play let him down and he was sent bouncing 9-11 in the 5^th set. With this 2^nd round loss, it proves how perfect coupling he and Shriekapova are; a matching pair of 2^nd round losers. Anyway, 13^th seed Tommy Haas won his match against Taipei’s Wang 6-3 6-2 7-5. 26^th seed Dolgopolov aka BWLLAGWLLAB finished off his Colombian opponent Giraldo 6-4 7-5 6-3. Fiery Ferrer (4) and Jeremy Chardy (28) had to get through their matches in 4 sets. All these players were had to complete their 2^nd round matches yesterday will play again today for a place in the Round of 16 matches on Monday.

Au revoir Grigor

I got all dolled up for an epic 5th set match up and this mofo lost it in 3 games. WTF? Let me get out of here before someone notices me.

Of the 8 scheduled men’s matches, only 4 were completed and the trend of upsetter getting knocked out in the next round continued as both Dustin Brown who took out Hewitt and Sergiy Stakhovsky who took out Mr. Federer, were sent packing by their opponents. Brown lost in straight sets to Adrian Mannarino 4-6 2-6 5-7 and Stakhovsky lost in 4 to Jurgen Meltdown 2-6 6-2 5-7 3-6. The felix felicis potion that both Brown and Stakhovsky took in their previous round most definitely wore off and they looked their usual mediocre selves on court.

WTF? The magic potion wore off already?? SHITE

I beat Mr. Federer and I am still a loser…I can’t take this anymore

Andy Murray the 2^nd seed had to face 32^nd seed Tommy Robredo which potentially could have been a tricky match for the Scotsman. However, he dealt with it quite decisively as he dominated nearly all areas of the match 6-2 6-4 7-5. He has a very easy draw with Divadal, Tsonga and Mr. Federer being out already from the tournament. The stars could not have aligned themselves more perfectly for Lochness Monster to get to his 2^nd consecutive Wimbledon final. Jerzy Janowicz (24) who is fast becoming a fan favourite is through to this 1^st Round of 16 at a major if I am not mistaken. He took on Nicolas Almagro (15) who was unable to win a set as the Pole showed consistent and brilliant plays to win the match 7-6 6-3 6-4. The other 4 matches were postponed for today’s schedule. I guess now it makes sense for the players to have this middle Sunday off. The most interesting matchup of the quartet is Gulbis v Verdasco.

Lochness Monster as always looking unpretty

Janowicz is let’s say very very strong in the face. He looks like Iron Man while in the suit

I think this might Jerzy’s daddy

On the ladies’ side, only 5 of the 8 matches were completed with the other three being suspended. Flavia Pennetta knocked out the 29^th seed Alize Cornet 0-6 7-6 6-2. Michelle Larcher d Brito who took out Maria Sharapova was knocked out herself when her Italian opponent Knapp snapped her in two 7-5 6-2. Marian Bartoli (15) aka la petite grosse is still hanging around and can prove to be a dangerous floating as this half of the draw is now wide open. Bartoli exacted revenge of sorts for Cornet by beating another Italian Giorgi 6-4 7-5. The 19^th and 20^th seeds, Carlo Suarez-Navarro and Kris Flipkens both won their matches in straight sets to progress to the 2^nd week.

Oh Carlo

Oh Martian Bartoli

Stephens (17) and Cetkovska will begin the 3^rd set today after splitting the first two. Stephens got bagelled in the 2^nd set. Monica Puig who upset Errani on the 1^st day of the Championships dropped the 1^st set against her opponent and will resume play down 1-2 in the 2^nd. Petra Kvitova aka Grand High Witch, 2011 Wimbledon champion needs to get GPS on her broom or something because she is always losing her way in matches. The 8^th seed is the highest remaining seed in the bottom half of the draw and face the ever dangerous floater Ekaterina Makarova (25). You would remember that Makarova in 2012 knocked out the Serenanator out of the Aussie Open. Anyway, GHW won the 1^st set 6-3 then dropped the 2^nd 2-6. She is currently down 1-2 in the 3^rd set. I really do not know what to say about Kvitova anymore. I mean there is potential there but certainly is neither fitness nor mental fortitude there.

Petra is petrified to win these days

I don’t know where I put my book of spells

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The Serenanator and Lochness Monster have allegedly agreed to a Battle of the Sexes exhibition match up

I for one do not agree to this sorta thing because clearly the Serenantor outclasses Nessie

No m’am you are not going to find a real sense of style there either.

I guess there are two muffin men running around Wimbledon

Motherfcuker that’s just uncouth. You’re fixing your freaking dentures in the royal box on Centre Court. I can’t take your @$$ anywhere

Front: Grigor’s “girlfriend” Behind Zemlja’s “boyfriend” Sweetheart, you couldn’t do something about that mug… Really? It’s like someone dragged you away from the home depot to watch the match. It would need more than a little makeup to do you wonders

What is she doing here? I thought you said she does not come to your matches. I didn’t know she was going to be here. She lost early so she said she’ll pop in as she had all this free time. But this was suppose to be out time… I know… I’m sorry

 

And here we have Divadal in the Swimsuit category: He has chosen to accessorize the true blue trunks with some crime scene tape on the left knee. The irony: We all know it is criminal how Divadal be using that “knee” as an excuse for all his failures in life.

First off gurl, this is tennis court not Night court so you can’t wear negligee on this court and second, you’re making me hard and that’s very distracting right now to call this match.

French Open 2013: Jour 8

So on Day 8, we have our first set of Round of 16 match ups and many of them provided the stuff that makes the majors must see events on the tennis calendars.

It is a packed house to watch tennis at Roland Garros today!

On the ladies side, Kuzi-Rex has found herself in another quarterfinal at the French Open. This has to be her favourite major especially since she won her 2^nd major here in 2009. The unseeded Kuzi-Rex faced Carebear Kerber, the 8^th seed. Kuzi took the first set but Kerber showing why she is a top ranked player took the 2^nd. However, Kuzi-Rex came back roaring to take the final set and the match 6-3. Kuzi-Rex 6-4 4-6 6-3. Kuzi-Rex has shown that she is ready to get back into the top tier of the tennis world earlier this year but injury put a hold on that comeback at the Aussie Open. However, it seems that she is ready to do that again this major event. This win set up a repeat of 2009 French Open quarterfinal matchup between Kuzi and the Serenanator.

Kuzi we have spoken about this outside. It’s hideous and most unflattering. Throw it back into the ocean where it looks like it came from

The Serenanator won comfortably today over Roberta Vinci (15) 6-1 6-3. However, you might not know that by looking at the match. The Serenanator was just walking on hot coals throughout the match. Vinci has nothing that could hurt the Serenanator but she kept on shouting at herself as though she were playing Justine Henin. It was like she was close to self-destructing and was trying to self-repair but it was not working. Hopefully this is a hiccup that will not raise its ugly head for the rest of the tournament because last time in 2009, the Serenanator was up a break in the 3^rd set and lost to Kuzi-Rex in the quarters. It would be tough for her to lose another critical match at this stage of the tournament. She has worked so hard to get herself at this stage of her career. The critics are not giving the Serenanator her true praise because every time they have claimed she lacked certain “qualities” in her game, she have risen to the occasion and done so in tremendous fashion. To be honest, the Serenanator is not my favourite player but she is the one I think I have the utmost respect for along with Monica Seles.

Mama Orcene: Come on ReRe let’s not get crazy out here. BigBigSis: Lord Jesus deliver Serena from her demons and deliver to me some sweet buttermilk pancakes, lots of bacon and syrup

Anyway in the other ladies’ matches for the day, Errani (5) vs Lady Hobbit (20) (Suarez-Navarro) and Bratzwanska (4) vs Ivanovic The Terrible (14). Errani has been very strong this tournament thus far and looks like she means business about getting back to the final of the French Open draw. However, Lady Hobbit looked like she meant to stop this from happening but eventually she got crushed by the crafty Italian 5-7 6-4 6-3.

Oh Carlo…what are we going to do with you?

In the next match up Ivanovic the Terrible v Bratzwanska, I have to say that I expected much more from Ana though I was not betting on it. I thought that she finally got herself together at a place where she has had success. The crowd would definitely be rooting for her but yet again, Ana disappoints. I am not sure what is really going on in her life but she is supposed to be much better than this 2-6 4-6 scoreline from the hands of Bratzwanska. However, it is usually Bratzwanska’s plan to allow her opponents to beat themselves on the court by giving them a lot of junk. Aga is a lot more strategic on court than Ana but I mean seriously, Ana cannot make a match of this type of situation? I would have been more pleased if she had lost in 3 sets. I have said once before, I think it is time that we stop depending on Ana. She is done. I doubt whichever crazy place she has sent her career, it is unlikely that she would go back there to get it. I say she retires from the tour in 2-3 years’ time.

She is back in the badlands of tennis

Anyway, to the men: David Ferrer wasted absolutely no time in dismantling the South African, Kevin Anderson. I barely had time to get the sleep out of my eyes when the match was all over and Robredo and Almagro were taking to the court. Ferrer is looking absolutely great on clay but truth be told, Ferrer always looks this good in the 1^st week of a major. His trouble is that he meets Divadal, Mr. Federer or Djoker and then it is a wrap for him. He usually stands a good chance against Lochness Monster. He is into yet another quarterfinals at Roland Garros and since he is seeded 4^th because of the absence of Lochness Monster, he stands a very good chance of getting to the semi-finals.

Fiery Ferrer sweeping through the draw

Baby Ali Tsonga is looking to keep his country’s hope alive of winning a major. The last time a Frenchman won a major was 30 years ago in 1983 when Yannick Noah won the French by beating defending champions Mats Wilander. Tsonga’s 4^th round opponent was Viktor Troicki of Serbia. Troicki put on a decent enough show but in the end he was unable to handle the Frenchman and so was bounced in straight sets 3-6 3-6 3-6.

Baby Ali is through to the quarters

It is interesting that these two aforementioned matches were the routine affairs and not the other two for Mr. Federer and Tommy Robredo provided some much needed energy to the French Open on Day 9. Robredo the 32^nd seed as I mentioned before is on comeback tour. He had lost his way but seemingly found it again. Coming into this match against his countryman Nicolas Almagro, Robredo had already played two 5 set matches, having won them both after being down 2 sets to love. That is a lot of time on court. And yet again, Robredo found himself in an all too familiar position at the French Open, being down 2 sets to love but this time to a very formidable opponent.

Almagro was on it early in the match. All pumped up

Nonetheless, it seems as though Robredo thrives on adversity and loves to punch his way out of corners because he won back from the deficit and took the match in 5. Rarely has a player won 3 5 set matches in the world of professional tennis. I think the last time it was done was perhaps in the 1920/1930’s. This is most alarming for Almagro fans because losing a match like this is very familiar to the Spaniard. Earlier this year I believe at the Australian Open, he was up 2 sets to love on Ferrer but yet lost the plot and got sent home. Almagro is too of a player to be losing these types of matches. I know his fans were most displeased with this sorta affair because it hurts and it hurts badly. Funny thing is that a lot of critics always pick Almagro as the dark horse at majors. However, I think they are now going to have to qualify their definition of the word because this dark horse is getting driven out of the stables. Robredo 6-7 3-6 6-4 6-4 6-4

WTF I am going to lose another one of these matches

Things got really emotional for Robredo out on court

In the other matchup, Mr. Federer found himself against Gilles Simon who has presented him with troubling shots in the past but in their most previous meeting (Rome 2013), Mr. Federer handily dispatched of the Frenchman. In this most recent meeting, it looked as though Mr. Federer was going to pick up right where he left off as he baked up a fresh breadstick for Simon. In the 2^nd set, things were languishing on the court and then Mr. Federer took a tumble and then things began to get disastrous for the Swiss maestro. It almost seemed like the rolled his ankle but he refused to get the trainer. Mr. Federer can be stubborn at times like that.

Simon’s chicken legs were definitely helping him cross the road against Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer fell and almost could not get up

He was broken in that game and Simon went on to win the set 6-4. Things did not improve in the 3^rd set as Mr. Federer lost that one 2-6. Tennis world was all a twitter and tweeting, could Mr. Federer lose before the quarterfinal round in a major. It has been years, perhaps since 2004 that Mr. Federer lost before then. The crowd was beside itself not sure who to cheer, their own countryman or Mr. Federer, the most international of all players. I know pour moi, I was going stir crazy. Mr. Federer was not going to lose to no chicken leg man at a major even with a busted ankle. Not on my watch and Mr. Federer got things going in the 4^th set as he decided that he was going to take this match to 5 sets and win it all. Mr. Federer cleaned up his game and got his life together. He comfortable took the next two sets 6-2 6-3 though he had trouble closing out the match on his service game.

Mr. Federer had to fight to get back into the match

Au revoir Simon

Ooooo that was easy

Hey, why you trying to grab my dick?

Nonetheless, he is through to his 36^th consecutive major quarterfinal, a record unsurpassed by anyone. Mr. Federer 6-1 4-6 2-6 6-2 6-3. He will play Tsonga in the quarterfinals which will be a tough tough match for the Swiss especially as he will be playing Tsonga who will definitely have the crowd with him. Mr. Federer and Tsonga have meet at the quarterfinal stage of all majors now and I will not soon forget that maddening 2011 matchup in Wimbledon when Mr. Federer lost to Tsonga after being up 2 sets to love. Mr. Federer will be leery of Tsonga and know that he intends to spoil his near improbable dream of winning a 2^nd French Open title.

So tomorrow on Day 9, we will have the end of all 4^th round matches and begin the business end of the major: Quarterfinals through to the Finals. Things are going to be fever pitch come this weekend!

 

French Open 2013: Jour 6

Day 6 at the French Open saw organizers trying to get back on schedule because of the almost washout of play on Day 5. Matches were played back to back and of course Divadal had some complaining to do. However, we will deal with that mess in another paragraph. Right now, let us get with the ladies.

I mean look at this mess! Is she serious??

Marion Bartoli had another tough match but this time around she did not drop a set. She overcame her opponent who just could not close out a set. It was horrible because Bartoli is not playing well in the least but she is competing well enough. I for one am not a fan of her style of play because it is far too inconsistent to be admiring it for it is “uniqueness.” I dare not use the word that comes to mind to describe Bartoli’s on court antics. In other newz, Shriekapova was able to finish off her match against her Canadian opponent, moving through to the 3^rd round in straight sets.

Destruction in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…..

Both the Serenanator and Sara Errani were in complete control of their matches handing out fresh baked bagels on their way to the round of 16. Maria Kirilenko aka Krazilenko has also looked very impressive in her matches as she has yet to drop a set and is really looking like she might cause trouble in this draw. 2010 champ and 2011 finalist, Francesco Schiabone is also finding her groove/form at this tournament. The Italian has been thrown back to the wilderness obscurity and does not like it. She is playing well here at this tournament and looks to regain some of her fame. She took out another manish poser Flipkens of Belgium in 3 sets. Stephanie Voegele took out Kaia Kanepi in 3 sets as well. Meanwhile, Kuzi-Rex 2009 champion took out one of my peeps, Bojana Jovanovski in straight sets. Hopefully, we will see more of Jovanovski. Roberta Vinci will also be in the Round of 16.

Francesco Schiabone is all pumped up for the French and clearly that’s not the only thing pumped out there

Carla Suarez-Navarro seems to have found her kinetic energy after displaying all that raw potential in the past. She has quietly moved through to the 4^th round. Also moving quietly is the 2009 Champion Ana Ivanovic the Terrible. It seems like she has conquered some of her demons as she knocked out Virginie Razzano. Angelique Carebear Kerber took out American Lepchenko in 3 sets. Very difficult match for the German has she had failed to beat the American in their 3 previous meeting.

Thank you for coming but the Federer express is leaving you at this stop

On the men’s side of the draw: Mr. Federer faces some tough obstacles ahead of him if he wishes to take his 2^nd French Open title. He has to deal with more than just the French crowd but also the host nation’s top players. First up is Julien Benneteau who beat him their last match up in Miami if I am not mistaken. However, overcoming an early break (and the fact that I put the fear of God into him for dropping his serve in the opening set), Mr. Federer just paved through the Frenchman in straight sets. Baby Ali Tsonga had to deal with his fellow Frenchman Jeremy Chardy but Ali KO’ed him in straight sets as well. Gasquet also looked comfortable against his opponent and took him out in straight sets. Gilles Simon almost looked down for the count but he overcame the challenge that is the Grinch, Sam Querry. Simon had to close out the match in 5 sets.

The Grinch may have stole Christmas but Simon stole this match from him

Things were not so great for his flashy countryman, Gael Monfils aka Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice had veteran Tommy Robredo pinned the corner and took a 2 sets to love lead. However, the Spaniard is fighting to reclaim his top form of several years ago. He came back roaring taking the match in 5 sets. It was a very entertaining match and very good on Robredo to stick to the sport and fight for his life. He was playing qualifiers recently. Now he is seeded 32^nd and in the 4^th round of a major!!! YEAHHHHHH Also I hope that Monfils keep up this level of maturity and confident style of play. He is capable of being heavily featured in the Top 10 especially when the likes of Tipsarevic is a solid No 8 in the world. Really!!

Is it over? I am just going to take a nap right here on the clay!

Speaking of Spanish players, Fiery Ferrer took out his countryman Fefe Lopez in straight sets. Fellow Spaniard Almagro got through to the 4^th round. However, Tabasco Verdasco could not mount enough reserve energy to knock out the 8^th seed, Janko Tipsarevic aka Doucharevic. Janko won in 5 sets. Janko has got further than I thought he would have had him and so has fellow Serbian Victor Troicki who beat the 10^th seed Marin Cilic in straight sets. I was most certainly not pleased with this result since I love me some Chin Cilic.

Chin Cilic never gets his life together at majors.

BFG, John Isner had to overcome fellow American Ryan Harrison. It was a tough match for both players already dealing with the lagging schedule and neither has a good record in 5 set matches. However, BFG held it together better and won the match 8-6 in the 5th. BFG came back from being down 2 sets to love. BFG is not the only big guy to have won on this big. Jerzy Janowicz won in 4 sets. He will join Kevin Anderson who beat Milos Raonic while Wawrinka is showing some strength at this major as he too made it to the Round of 16.

Big head Jerzy getting to his 1st 3rd round of a major

Klizan almost killed Divadal out there but got caught up in the moment and lost it all

I cannot believe I almost closed up this posting and did not deal with Divadal. Now home gurl was a mess yet again in her match. The Spanish Rose was playing Martin Klizan of Slovak Republic. Now, I hardly ever heard of this player before in my life but here he was making big noise against the legendary Divadal. Klizan took the 1st set and for a moment almost seemed like he was going to take a 2nd but the Divadal reigned it in and re-grouped. She just laid into him there after to win the match 4-6 6-3 6-3 6-3. This is rather surprising behaviour from Divadal as she usually crush these no-namers, Challenge Circuit Hall of Famers for breakfast. However, I am not really here to talk about this particular hurdle for Divadal but it is what she went on about in the press conference.

Now, this is not pure hateration though I know a lot of people will accuse me of this. Divadal is no light bulb. He a quintessential jock and owning to the aristocratic history of tennis, he cleans up well and dons this pseudo nice boy act. However, Divadal got into the press conference after his 2nd round win and started to complain about the scheduling saying that women’s and doubles players were being given priority over him. That the scheduling was not favouring because his next round opponent finished, Fognini finished yesterday. I do not understand why Divadal is complaining. What were the organizers to do? Demand that the heavens cease pouring down so that Divadal could complete him match? It was not Fognini’s fault that you decide to monkey around with Klizan and not get an easy victory. You are a tennis player, if you do not want weather to affect you, pick up an indoor sport. This boy needs to shut his mouth because never have I ever heard him say anything of substance and/or relevance. I have had it on good authority that his English is not the problem because he acts the same way in Spanish. I think the organizers should send him out to play on Court 17 so that he could finish up his match early. I swear she complains for everything especially when conditions are not in his favourite. Watch if he were to lose he start talking about how the scheduling affected his play. He is such an immature git.

These lil itches be trying to come for me. They must not know bout me. Lord Clay Divadal!! GURL, Your hair is a MESS

Tomorrow will see the completion of all the 3rd round matches. Anyway, I will close on this note. I kinda feel like I have forgotten to note results of other matches but at this point, I can hardly see the point.

And the word is L: Schiabone giving you fem boy realness

The boys of the WTA

Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

You think it is right I have to look at this ugliness all match long?

What you itches looking at?

Oh gard, the Serenanator’s beatdown is giving me a headache

Oh good lord, he’s hung like donkey kong!!!

Oh Harrison, WTF with these pants?

Virginie….WTMFF? You are wearing a dress over a gorilla suit?

You think those mofos are over there talking about us? I know that skank ain’t saying shit about me.

Wait I think those fcukers are talking about us! Really? Hold me back because I am about to punch one of them in the face

French Open 2013: Le jour 4

Day 4 was an action packed day and I am happy to report that the French Open is back on schedule. There were a lot of matches on court and they all were completed without the advent of any rain delays. I know that this entry is going to come late (but I really had to sleep). Sometimes I forget how intensive all this blogging is and when one does not have a lot of time, it is even more difficult as life happens.

The Serenanator is all fired up for this championships.

On the ladies draw: Both Vickie and the Serenanator looked impressive in their matches. Vickie was playing her 1^st round match and will play her 2^nd round tomorrow. The Serenanator had a 3 day layoff and now that she has withdrawn from the doubles, she has more time on her hand. I have to say that their asking for a wildcard and then withdrawing is not so cool to me. I know that Venus has back issues but their acceptance of the card and subsequent withdrawal, barred another team for getting the spot and consequently prize money. Many have felt that the Serenanator should not have attempted to play doubles because of how precarious her play can be at the French Open. Nonetheless, this is what happened. I only hope that she stays the course for her 2^nd French Open title.

GHW Kvitova. I don’t think Czech girls have eyebrows

Other winners include much of the usual suspects: Petra Kvitova who seemed her usual inconsistent self against Rezai; Petra won in 3 sets. However, her serve was all over the place, giving away vital points with double faults. It was almost guaranteed that she would double fault in every service game. Ivanovic the Terrible also won but it was a very comfortable match in straight sets. I do not even think she got broken, which is impressive by her usual batty standard. Bratzwanska won in straight sets as did Errani who is looking really serious about defending her points from last year. She has buzzed through the draw thus far. Carebear Kerber won as did Roberta Vinci, Maria Krazilenko (12), Sabine Losicki (32), Kuzi-Rex, Carlo Suarez-Navarro (20), Soriana Cirstea (26) and Virginie Razzano (Happy to see her get to the 3^rd round of a major). Americans Varvara Lepchenko and Jamie Hampton are also through to the 3^rd round with Hampton causing an upset over the 25^th seed Lucie Safarova (former Ms. Berdych). Hampton won 9-7 in the 3^rd.

See Safarova, also from Czech Republic not sporting any eyebrows

Martina Hingis’ new charge Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (19) lost her match to Petra Cetkovska, which really should not come as a surprise as she has been struggling through this tournament. Truth be told, she started the year well getting to the final of Sydney I think (My stat fanz Chong just informed me that it was the final of Brisbane. Thanks!) losing to the Serenanator but since then, she has faded significantly and has yet to find herself again. The 23^rd seed, Klara Zakopalova lost to Kaia Kanepi. If I am not mistaken, Kanepi made it through to the Round of 16 or quarters in last year French finals. So she has a lot of points to defend. Good of her to repeat her success.

I am dejected!!! This cookie is crumbling

And while we are on the subject of upsets, one cannot forget to mention that the 10^th seed, Danish Biscuit got crumbled by Bojana Jovanovski of Serbia in straight sets 6-7 3-6. This has not been a good clay court season for the Dane; as a matter of fact, it has not been a good season at all. She is struggling to win matches and as a result, most tennis viewers are raining hateration on her. I for one am not a fan of Caroline but I am not a hater either. I know she does not possess a multi-dimensional/highly effective game. However, one has to respect what did several years ago, rising to Number one in the world. You have to give her credit for that. I know a lot of people decry the ranking system as Wozniacki finished the two consecutive years as Number 1 without winning a major. However, it is not her fault that the others could not find their game or themselves or be injury free in order to bolster their claim at the top. Wozniacki got to the top rank through hard work and winning matches. Anyway, I am glad Bojana got a quality win because I really think that she has massive potential. She is kinda Batty but in her 2^nd round match, she was on it. Hopefully she keeps up this level of play.

Bojana Jovanovski

Gilles Simon.. in Swan Clay… showing off his flexibility in this nice arabesque position

On the men’s side of the draw, the Frenchmen continue to made good of the home court advantage as Baby Ali Tsonga (6), Beetlejuice Monfils (wild card), Beautiful Benoit Paire (24), Benneteau (30), Gilles Simon (15) et Jeremy Chardy (25) all advanced and for the most part, quite comfortable too. Mr. Federer had little resistance in his match as he dished out a two-piece and 2 breadsticks to his opponent 6-2 6-1 6-1. Fiery Ferrer looked at ease in his match as he took out his opponent in straight sets. His journeyman of a countryman Tommy Robredo (32) is really trying to get his tennis life back together. Seeming down for the count, Robredo overcame a 0-2 sets deficit to win his match in 5. Both he and Ferrer will join FeFe Lopez and 11^th seed Almagro in the next round.

No need for caption!

20^th seed Andreas Seppi of Italy won his match in 5 sets and will be in the next round with his 5 set victory. Seppi is looking to recapture some of the good form he had last year. American Sam Querry aka The Grinch, the 18^th seed, is in the 2^nd round. Marin Chin Cilic moved on as did Victor Troicki and 23^rd seed Kevin Anderson of South Africa.

Hopefully this good weather keeps up and play does not get back up at the French.

 REALZ PICTURE SHOW

Almagro. Not outstandingly beautiful but he just sorta grows on you

Ernest Gulbis, a tall Latvian drink of water

Yes, it Ivanovic The Terrible. She is an attractive girl nonetheless

Andreas Seppi of Italy. Oh how I would love to be sipping on this all day

I mean he is a little heavyhanded on the spray tan but that can wash off. Nonetheless, he is all hotness

Chin Cilic. We gotta work on the eyebrows but he’s HOT

My Baby Ali surely knows how to use his tongue

Fiery Ferrer is definitely on that list of who can get it!!

Crucify me how I am beautiful!!!

Wickmayer gurl, I don’t even know where to begin between the dress and your stance, you most definitely a nottie

I mean seriously, this is well past ugly! This is bugly!!

So I am wondering how Bratzwanska made this dumb move to be blond before she actually became a blond?? #dontbelieveinstereotypes

I’m telling you, French kissing is only real if it is done by a Frenchman. Works the same way like champagne!!!

You are so beautiful to me….Can’t you see??

Wimbledon 2012: The epic 4th Day

Gurl, Centre Court was on fire! I was having volcano flashes up in there

Had they told me before the match begun, I would have called them a liar, a fool and a down right tennis dunce. However, like we always say here at RealzTenisFanz, the game is won and lost on the field and not on paper. That Lukas Rosol had even a sliver of a chance to beat Lord Clay Divadal (I think I rather call him Lord Clay Divadal instead of Lord Dirt Divadal) was improbable if not impossible. Nonetheless, anyone who bet on Rosol yesterday, though initially seen as a mad man, he left the evening a very rich man. This was the 2^nd round of Wimbledon and Divadal is not going to be in the 3^rd round as Lukas Rosol simply dismantled him on the court 6-7 6-4 6-4 2-6 6-4. Yes it was 5 sets but nothing about that match was a contest for Divadal. Rosol had a game plan and he executed it to perfection. This is monumental, this was an epic match and instantly will become a classic for the ages. Hard to imagine that one of the top 4 and even more surprising, the top 2 will not be in the 2^nd week of a major. Rosol, ranked 100^th, came onto Centre Court to face a tennis god but showed that he was a titan. His nerves were steely, his forehand rock solid and that serve, it was simply a precious gem. Divadal had never been treated with such disrespect in his life. At no point in the match did it occur to Rosol to lay down and die as so many men on tour are apt to do when facing one of the Fourhorse Men of Apocalypse. To be fair though, the top 4 are really that good.

This is not happening right now! When I count to 3, I am going to disappear!

In the 1^st set, Divadal broke early to go up 3-2 but Rosol broke back immediately and perhaps then, we knew the Czech meant business. They held serve to go into a tiebreaker, which in and of itself was epic but Divadal was able to close it out 11-9 and bag the 1^st set. One felt like this was going to turn into another Thomaz Bellucci match where the player has a good start but cannot sustain the momentum and then gets whitewashed.

In your face mofo!!

However, Rosol broke Divadal at love in the very first game back as Divadal double faulted on break point. Rosol would hold serve for the rest of the set NEVER facing break point taking it 6-4. What is remarkable is the fact that he did a similar thing in the 3^rd set; break early and hold serve  to close out the set 6-4. Divadal never had a break point…I doubt he even got any games to deuce. Fans at home watching or following on twitter or even following on RealzTenisFanz facebook page were at a standstill. I mean the Lochness Monster vs Ivo the Giant provided a lot of tension and drama already added to that that there were several other men’s matches that were proving to be watch worthy because NO ONE imagined that Rosol could really pull this off. Beat Lord Clay Divadal, 2 time Wimbledon champ in the 2^nd round? NEVER. Divadal was mad, she was angry, she damn near had a BF (bitch fit) on court. Who the fcuk do you think you are Rosol? She rolled on the ground, she complained to the chair umpire that Rosol was being noisy and making distracting movements.

She was a hot mess out there. Divadal you flexible! Gurl, we do not carry on like this on Centre Court. Look at that face….you know them legs be up like antennas when Mrs. Monadal comes around!

There is a pain, in my brain…why won’t it rain because I am going down the drain

She gritted and grunted…she even bumped into Rosol a la Irina Spirlea at the 97 US Open versus our own Russ Troll Venus Williams and we all know how that ended. Ebony Starr crushed that skank and moved on to her 1^st US Open final. Divadal was losing dirty. No bueno for a Lady of your standing Divadal. No muy bueno. Nevertheless, in the end, Divadal was down 2-1 sets and she had to get it to a 5 setters in order to move on. I think what was even more disastrous in her mind was the fact that she almost lost in straight sets. But Divadal is a Dragon and is not easily slayed.

I’m sorry…Bitch!
Spanish Skank!

In the 4^th set, Divadal was on fire. Snapped popped and crackled her way to break Rosol 2 times, something he had not done since the 1^st set. She had the 4^th 6-2 and they play in the 5^th. And then, the organizers decided to close the roof and put the Diva in a box. Oh no…no no no no no….. the diva got mad but she dared not get bad because men are walking a very thin line right about now because of silly Nalbandian’s crazy behaviour couple of weeks ago. She had to simmer and stew out there as there was a near half an hour delay to close the roof and get the AC on…you know how Europeans are kinda anti anti-perspirant. I jest! I jest! Anyway, it would have been hotter than a mofo up in there so they had to get the air on. Divadal was not liking that. Anyway, they got things on the way again. I sat with bated breath because I thought for sure, the Divadal Dragon was going to take the nuclear option and just blaze his way through to the end.

Divadal the Dragon rose up

However, it was not to be. Rosol went back to the original scripts of the 2^nd and 3^rd set; break Divadal early and hold serve. And that he did. In the very 1^st game, Divadal was broke and she was fuming. She had committed no errors in the 4^th and now things were back where they were early in the match; Rosol was dictating play. Divadal got things to 4-5 and one though…NO WAY that Rosol can close this one out… the Choker express will soon be boarding and Rosol will be chief engineer but at 5-4! Rosol got things underway with a BOMB of an Ace in Divadal’s face. 15-0. He missed his 1^st serve but found his 2^nd serve and went with a ferocious forehand to go 30-0. The crowd was out of control and commentators were at a lost to find words to describe this moment. It was near pandemonium when Rosol aced Divadal again and was at 40-0; triple match point! Then Rosol ACED Divadal for the 22^nd time and take the match. All hell broke loose! This was good… this was very very good.

This is not happening!

i am FABULOUS bitches!!!

Take your handbag and get outta here! A Diva Dejected

Now understand I am not excited because Divadal lost and I am not his greatest fan. I am happy because it broke up the monotony of the same players coming into the semifinals. It may be that one of the other three might win this thing but at least, the chances of the other players winning a major has increased. Adios Divadal. Now you can go back home and watch Spain take on Italy in Euro final. Also you have a 2^nd chance as the Olympics are coming to Wimbledon in three weeks’ time. You will be all right. Humble pie can be delicious with a nice cup of calming tea and you would be all right.

Lochness Monster clawed his way into the 3rd

Anyway, this is not even the only match that was played. Things are very hot and heated right now between Ivo the Giant aka Ivo Karlovic of Croatia and Wimbledon. He played their favoured son Lochness Monster and got called for 11 double faults. Now, Ivo is a serving monster. This mofo can serve for his motherfcuking life. He pays his rent with the number of aces he get per match/per tournament. Now, Ivo claims that whenever he held the advantage, they would call a foot fault and many, the calls were very suspect. Ivo lost 5-7 7-6 2-6 6-7 and Lochness Monster moves on and is heavily favoured to make it to the finals since Divadal got bounced out of the tournament. Now, I want to say this and I have been saying this since US Open 2009. The tennis organizers need to have cameras on court so that players can challenge foot faults. It is ridiculous to think that you can have the balls being questioned and not whether your foot crossed the line. The umpire is hardly looking at their feet and once that foot fault call has been made, the players are screwed. It cannot be challenged and you are at a disadvantage.

WTF?? WTMFF?? Do I need to bring my club to these matches

When the Serenanator when into her court rage at the linesjudge, she was right. She did not foot fault and what is even worse, the linesjudge did not lose their job. In FIFA (football or soccer head body) if the officials are fcuking up, they are sent home. No questions asked. It is high time tennis gets it act together. The same chair umpires are circulating and they have been many many many egregious officiating and nothing is done about the matter. People ignore them and claim that the bad calls even out throughout the match…BULLSHIT in the highest degree. The game should be played fairly and squarely. You win what you earned. The winner is decided by a point…the match point and tennis is a high mental sport. Bad calls change the players’ attitude on court. They feel slightest and stop relying on muscle memory to focus on every aspect of their game which often times, severely throw them off their original game play. ITF/WTA/ATP, cameras for freaking cheap. Stop this shite show. Get the challenge system on every court that is being used for the tournament and also get challenge system for foot fault. STOP with this guidelines bullshit and get actual rules including for time violations.

Prince Ali, fabulous he…

All for you babe

Anyway, other winners include Jo-Willi Tsonga aka Baby Ali who had to get it done in 4 sets as did Del Potro who apparently took a mental stroll in the 3^rd set but closed it out against Go Soeda of Japan. Fiery Ferrer also won his match as did Kei Nishikori, American Brian Baker who is showing himself to be a reliable American male player, Frodo Goffin, Mardy former Whale Fish who dropped the ball big time in the 4^th set but was able to pull it out in the 5^th against British hopeful James Ward 6-3. Malisse did the world a favour by knocking out Gilles Simon in straight sets 6-4 6-4 7-6. Simon has made himself a target with his recent comments about men should be paid higher than women. I have an interesting take on this subject but right now, I cannot discuss as I am way behind again. Tabasco Verdasco is finding success here on grass unlike his recent clay court season. He moves onto the 3^rd round as is Marin Cilic, Philipp Kohlschreiber who will play Rosol in the 3^rd round and Alejandro Fall who again played another 5^th set to move to the 3^rd round. American Andy Roddick aka Mr. Brooklyn Decker 3 time Wimbledon finalist (2004-2005, 2009) also won in straight sets. He is a very dangerous floater. This might be his last Wimbledon in case you did not know and he would love to go out with a Wimbledon trophy. Unfortunately, my boo Delicitrov pulled out yet again of a tournament giving former Wimbledon semifinalist in 2006 if I am not mistaken, Fatdatis a chance to equal that performance.

You poor sweet thing… I will give you a rub down and you’ll be happy in the end

Undoubtedly, the ladies could not provide anywhere near this sort of excitement that the men produced. Shriekapova who had to finish up her 2^nd round match, dropped the 2^nd set 6-7 and you thought that Pironkova was going to make things interesting in the 3^rd. However, the only thing that was interesting was what she was going to have on her bagel. Shriekapova moved on 7-6 6-7 6-0. I do not know why she even bothered to waste the Russian’s time by taking the 2^nd set. Anyway, Kvitova won her match knocking out Elena Baltacha of England 6-0 6-4.

GWH is lurking in the dark ready to cast a spell on anyone in her path

Heather Watson remains the only British gal in the draw by making the 3^rd round and she is not going to the Olympics. The Serenanator sunk Melanie Czink as did Lucic who took out Fatoli in straight sets. Carebear Kerber and fellow German Julia Goerges also won. Vickie who has been relatively quiet this tournament also won her match. Shvedova, Wickmayer, Zakopalova, Ivanovic the Terrible, Sara Alien v Predator Head, Schiabone, Fatrova and Paszek also moved on. Former Wimbledon semifinalist Zheng Jie also moves on as did Roberta Vinci and Christina McHale and fellow American Varvara Lepchenko.

Gurl your make up is fabulous! Who put it on, Bozo the clown?

Some very interesting matches coming up…The conclusion of the Raonic vs Querry match…ACES GALORE! Mommie Dearest vs Vera Zvonareva, Bratzwanska vs Heather Watson, Almagro vs Gasquet (battle of the one handed backhand) Carebear vs McHale, Stephens vs Lisicki and Troicki vs Mrs. Monadal.  DON’T FORGET TO SPREAD THE WORLD ABOUT REALZ!!!

WTF??

Hey gurl meet my boy toy! Rrrrrrr

Next time I have to bring my clutch…I can’t handle these handles on this murse!

This went from this…

To this… hmmmm how you doing?

To this… and we all know what’s going to happen next… gaynesia

Wimbledon 2012: Day 2

Realz coming at your from the grass courts of Wimbledon

There was a contest on Centre Court yesterday between GHW (Grand High Witch) aka Petra Kvitova, reigning Wimbledon ladies champ and Argul Amanmuradova. It was not a beauty contest by any stretch of the imagination but we are not here in England to settle superficial disputes; we are here to play sports. GHW started off badly enough down 1-4. However, she got her life together and won the match 6-4 6-4! Title defense in full effect…and we are back on the broom. Kvitova has not played well on regular tour level events but she has made it to the semis of the last two majors. So she will not be one to slight over at these championships.

Grand High Witch Kvitova

Amanmuradova looking like a dementor with her huge self or perhaps Madame Maxime

Mere happenstance that this famous author is on hand to watch GHW match?…Hmmm

Vera Zvonareva who had to complete her 1^st round match today and took out Moaning Mona Barthel 6-4 in the 3^rd set. The 2010 Wimbledon finalist is struggling to regain the sort of form that saw her as a regular fixture in the 2^nd week at majors. The Serenanator and Vickie also had their 1^st round matches today and they both made it look like work. They won the 1^st comfortably but in the 2^nd they were struggling though they both won it 6-4. I for one think Vickie should go back to her shorts and the Serenanator, hopefully she saw a shrink or some exorcist to help deal with the demons that run amok in her life as of late.

The Serenanator trying to find her way back to major winning form

Other winners include, Schiabone who found herself in a tough battle against British youngster, Laura Robson. And speaking of British ladies, Anne Keaothavong won another match 6-3 6-3. Finally! Apparently, my lil rant during the French Open help or perhaps, it is the Olympics coming to town that has these British gals trying to give the home crowd something to cheer about as Elena Baltacha also won. Both Baltacha and Keaothavong got wild card entrants into the Olympics games. Personally, I would have given one of those wild cards to Heather Watson and the other perhaps to Robson. I think Watson is the only one of the British gals who appear as though their main interest is tennis.

Yeah I finally won a match at a major this year

Aleksandra Wozniak aka Cookie Monster’s lil sister won as did Fattychunkova, Fatoli who is definitely losing weight, American Christina McHale who is never trustworthy with a lead but found a way to win today. She will join fellow American Lepchenko and Wickmayer who beat Kuzi-Rex. Now, you know I am not a huge fan of Kuzi-Rex but I do not hate her. However, she really gets me mad. I do not understand why it is that she is playing so poorly as of late. There is no effort on her part these days and it is really disgusting to see a two time major winner who is not suffering from any known aliments, act as though she just got on the tour. Really disappointing.

Hmmm I change my mind… he looks more like an ostrich and they got small brains but he might do in a pinch. It looks like something milky is leaking out of your mouth…hmmm

On the men’s side, well things started to get interesting when Thomaz Bellucci raced off to a 4-0 lead over Lord Dirt Divadal. The Brazilian is a brilliant young talent but you know how these young guns often times shoot blanks. No sooner did Beaulucci (I saw recent pictures of him and I am not so sure I am feeling him much anymore. I will pass!) anyway… no sooner did Bellucci get the double break than he gifted them right back to Divadal. He was able to push to a tiebreaker where the shite show continued. Bellucci did not win a single point in the tiebreaker and only won 5 more games for the rest of the match. Divadal 7-6 6-2 6-3. Now it might seem that Divadal has fashioned himself Bjorg hier apparent and takes Wimbledon very seriously. He has made it to the finals 5 times, winning the title twice. He is not here foro shits and giggles and he intends to lay waste to all who comes in his way. D’Joker Harlequeen is no longer the threat that he was last year. In their last 4 meetings, Divadal won 3 of them albeit they were all on clay. Nonetheless, he is looking for his 12^th major title and perhaps closing in on Mr. Federer’s record 16.

Lord Dirt Divadal with his face all contorted as though he has muscular dystrophy.

Lochness Monster had his 1^st round match against the one time top player Nikolay Davydenko. Not so long ago, Davydenko was a feared individual capable of silencing any and all of the top men. Now, he is a mere white shadow of himself, struggling to win tour level matches much more those at majors. Lochness Monster chewed him up 6-1 6-1 6-4. Baby Ali aka Tsonga faced the 2002 Wimbledon champion in Hewitt. However, on the 10^th year anniversary of his victory, Baby Ali gave the Australian a gift of time but sending him off in the 1^st round for celebrations 6-3 6-4 6-4. And speaking up 2002, Hewitt is currently ranked 202 and I believe, with lost, he might be playing challengers next week. Perhaps he might consider retiring and helping Beth with the kids. In any case, most fanz would not miss him…I know I won’t. He could also mentor that hog of a child in Bernard Tomic. Someone needs to reign in that douchebag before he spills all over the place.

Lochness Monster thinks this might be the year for him!

And speaking of the idiot, he played David Goffin, the very same one who gave Mr. Federer all sorts of trouble at the French. Tomic won the 1^st set 6-3 but from then all, the Hobbit worked his magic and claimed the next three 6-3 6-4 6-4. With these Aussie losses, it means no Australian man is in the 2^nd round of a major. I believe that may not have ever happened… LOL actually, it has not happened in a long long time. However, before I got on a rampage on Australian tennis, consider that the US hardly has any strong male contenders these days and Switzerland only in essence have Mr. Federer and Fatanka. I think Australia is struggling with its own history and they should consider addressing this problem more proactively instead of hoping for the next Laver or Rafter to rise up out of the rashes of their once former tennis empire.

B gurl, might I suggest a cup because you surely need to tuck. I can offer you a thimble because from the looks of things, we all know you are not nimble. At first I thought it was a tick then I realise, boy it’s your dick. It won’t take long because gurl…you sure ain’t hung..looks more like you got stung! So put your dong in a thong because we don’t want to see it around.

Beast Boy Del Potro won his match as did Delicious Dmitriov. Marin Cilic, Fatdatis, Dolgopolov aka BWLLAGWLLAB, Nieminen who took out the hotness in FeFe Lopez, Mardy Fish, Kei Nishikori, Nicolas Almagro and Philipp Kohlschreiber who took out Tommy Haas, 2012 Halle winner over Mr. Federer, in 5 sets. So all in all, this day did not really see any major upsets like the 1^st day did. The usual suspects are through to the 2^nd round and still the 3^rd day is set to start and all the 1^st round matches have not been completed.

Oh delish Dimi

My word… I need to learn Spanish… FeFe Lopez is definitely incentive enough… Muy muy bueno y caliente

You just want one night with me? For realz, I would turn your world upside down!

When will Wimbledon learn about scheduling in light of the fact that matches are getting longer and the slightest bit of rain halt matches completely? These majors are overdoing a good joke but we do not have time for this right about now. Do not forget to comment and spread the word about us.

Is this Mirka with another man? Scandal! Scandal! While Mr. Federer is off on the practice courts, you shacking up with some man who reeks of poverty. Skank!

What do you mean I can’t change my bra on court? I am motherfcuking Lord Dirt Divadal. I can do whatever I want.

Look at that beautiful uncomfortable smile. D’Stove as always looking like she’s about to take a shite…

I’m sorry I can’t hear you. Some man is cursing me out…

Yes I am talking to you, you stinking motherfcuker with the purse. Turn off your fcuking phone when I am playing. I’ll whip my dcik out and bitch slap you with it.

French Open 2012: Round of 16 Update Days 8 and 9

In an effort to get our lives together and up to date, there will not be a full edition posting for the Round of 16 results. Very unfortunate I know.

You got peaches and creamed out here!

World no.1 Vickie Azarenka decided to hire Amelie Mauresmo to prepare for the French Open. I do not know who told her that this was a bright idea. I do not know if she wanted a tour guide or a translator or something because it was not the ideal of partnership. Anyway, Vickie lost in the Round of 16 and would inevitably lose her number 1 ranking. Dominika Cilbulkova was just on fire from the beginning of the match and rightfully took the match 6-2 7-6. Cilbukova has twice been in the winning position against Vickie and both matches as recent as Miami this year. However, she held her own and got her life right on the big stage here at Roland Garros. In an interview, she all but said that she was not afraid of the Vickie serve. Vickie, I told you that that shite would not get it done out here. And the competition at Wimbledon is only going to get tougher!

Finally I did it when it really counted!

American Slaone Stephens did not fair well against D’Stove. She served for the 1st set but failed to close it out only to have the Aussie come back roaring. The Aussie found herself unable to close out the match on her own serve but broke the American to move into another quarterfinals at Roland Garros. She is a dangerous floater. 7-5 6-4!

Easy workout! Now I can relax and watch some L word on tv as well as check out what’s on sale at Home Depot!

Sara Errani with her massive cranium is playing smart tennis!

Kuzi_Rex was a complete let down. Absolutely abysmal in her play but then again she is Russian. She lost to Italian Sara Errani 6-0 7-5! Words cannot describe how I felt about this result at all. Anyway, congrats to the Italian for moving into another quarterfinals in a major. She will play Angelique Kerber who took out Croat Petra Matic 6-3 7-5!

I became extinct out on court!

Carebear Kerber! Does this colour make me look like a girl?

She flopped like a chicken wing!

LiNaLi should be punished severely. I am all for corporal punishment…at the very least, someone should go all Bruce Lee on her @$$. She just has these complete meltdown on court and throws away matches. I do not know why you could not have suffered such fates at the 2008 Olympics and the 2009 Australian Open when you played Ebony Starr. Just digusting. She was up against Shevedova 6-3 and then only won 2 more games for the rest of the match. 3-6 6-2 6-0. Congrats to Shevedova but LiNaLi I will never root for you again.

The Chinese wall crumbles and I take over

World No. 4 GHW silently overcame her opponent Varvara Lepchenko 6-2 6-1 ending the American dream run at the French. Incidentally, Lepchenko sealed an Olympic spot as she just moved ahead of Stephens.

Winning can be an ugly and unfashionable business!

Kaia Kanepi representing Sesame Street

Kaia Kanepi followed up her upset of the Danish Biscuit by moving passed Arantxa Rus 6-1 4-6 6-0 and is definitely showing excellent form in that latter stages of this tournament. Let’s see if she hold on to this form because I believe she can beat Shriekapova who got by a tougher showing than expected from Klara Zakapalova 6-4 6-7 6-2! However, Kanepi will face shots with more pace though she will be able to tee off some very easy serves and free points from the Russian’s double faults.

Itch you point that finger out one more time for my shots, I am going to get all Serenanantor on you in a minute! Don’t fcuk with me out here!

On the men’s side. The top half made a mess of their draw but the usual suspect came through in the end.

Can’t stop me now!

D’Joker struggled past Seppi though I will admit that he never for a moment looked panicky on court. He looked as fresh as a daisy as he walked on by 4-6 6-7 6-3 7-5 6-3! There goes my theory about his fitness level being in question. Maybe, he really is saving himself for this tournament because he wants this one badly and so does Divadal, Mr. Federer and Lochness Monster.

Thanks for the workout and the free feel you nice Italian beefcake. You gonna let me have a sip of your Seppi later on?

Yeah go jog! You need the exercise more than I do.

It took Baby Ali two days to get past Fatanka and for a while I did not think he was going to get the job done. He was up two sets 6-4 7-6 but allowed the Swiss to get back into the match and take the next two 3-6 3-6. Leading 4-2 before the called the end of play for the day, Baby Ali was broken early resumption of play. However, I do not know whether Fatanka got too cute for school but the frigger was feeling himself a lil bit too much. Perhaps he thought he was Mr. Federer but he became playing silly shots and lost the match 4-6 in the 5th set. Now, word to the French, you all should not put so much pressure on the athletes. It can be a bit too much playing in front of your home country, family, friends and the president of the Federation. I mean relax a bit. Baby Ali only has to play D’Juggernaut for a place in the semis. That is pressure enough.

See back at the locker room!

Big boys do cry!

Meanwhile, Mr. Federer was just all over the place against the Hobbit who I swear gives me the willies. He looks a lil stalkerish. Talking about how he got Mr. Federer’s poster up on his wall in his bedroom. Ewwww Ewww. We do not share such things in public. He was even wearing Mr. Federer’s shoes and for a while, it looked like he was Mr. Federer as the real one was off shopping in his mind or something. He has dropped a set in his last three matches. However, he did enough to get the job done 5-7 7-5 6-2 6-4

Watch your back Mr. Federer! Single white male up in here! I like his hair… looks so fresh and clean.

Beast Boy vs Lurch promised to be a really exciting match up and in the beginning it was. They were very even stevens though Lurch had many break points opportunities, which he failed to convert. In the end, Beast Boy took the 1st set 7-6. Then he began complaining about his knee though he was whacking away at it in frustration with his racquet. No bueno senor! Anyway, Lurch took the 2nd set 6-1 and he began playing birdshite out there. I mean it is remarkable just how talented the Czech is but yet fails to be more success on tour. The match was suspended after Beast Boy won the 3rd set 6-3 and next day, the Argentine was still roaring with a 4-2 lead. However, though birdshite got things back on serve again, he got the willies and lost the match 5-7 in the 4th set.

The Big Bird is through to another French Open quarterfinals!

Fiery Ferrer was just blazing with his hot self

Three Spanish men are left in the draw Divadal, Nicolas Almagro and Fiery Ferrer and they remain the only players left in the draw who has not dropped a set. Fiery Ferrer just burnt up his countryman Crunch Granola 6-3 6-2 6-0 where as Almagro, though wearing yellow was not afraid of the black clad Sexsarevic 6-4 6-4 6-4. However, Almagro will face Divadal yet again in the quarters of the French. Divadal just @$$ fcuked Baby Jesus on court without any lube 6-2 6-0 6-0. It was utterly embarrassing if you ask me. The press would be all over this if this were women’s tennis. Anyway, Divadal could not have asked for a better present than having his boytoy for his Round of 16 opponent. Juan Monaco, if you continue to play these types of matches against top player, I would have to reconsider seriously any prospects of there being a future for you and I. I do not mingle with punks or OPP (other people’s property) Taking Divadal’s sloppy seconds is one thing I can deal with but us dating and you are still his itch! No, I will not have the Spanish diva holding that one over my head. I do not care if you lose but just do so with effort. If you ask me, it was a definite tank out there and you should be fined for lack of effort.

Haappy Birthday to me! And I send out 2 Love and Love to my Juanny M

It was like Easter all over again. He got crucified only this time, he did not rise again!

And this red sea for parted!

Gasquet vs Lochness Monster promised to be an epic match but I know the French and I do not trust the French in sports to say the least. Several years ago, Gasquet had a 2 set and a break lead over the Scot at Wimbledon, only to relinquish it. So when he won the 1st set 6-1 and looked like he was the better player, I knew not to get my hopes up. He was 4-4 in the 2nd set when the Frenchman saw it fit to lose the next 7 games in a row. He only won three more games for the match. Lochness Monster comes through 1-6 6-4 6-1 6-2! It is times like this that I really appreciate Baby Ali because though he might not be the most talented Frenchman out there, he will continue to be the most successful because of his mental fortitude and knowing that you always bring your A game to the big matches and NEVER EVER be afraid of the Big 4!

Gotcha! Think you were going to walk all over me! I’m a motherfcuking monster!!!

So on Day 10 the match ups are on the ladies: Cilbuttkova vs D’Stove and Sara Errani (aka Alien vs Predator head) taking on Carebear Kerber. I see Kerber moving on but a tough match up between Cibuttkova and D’Stove. If Dominika plays her game, she wins but D’Stove is a very dangerous opponent and she is now becoming a regular feature in the latter parts of majors. She was suppose to win in 2010 so perhaps she is coming to claim what was suppose to be hers ages ago.

On the men’s side. D’Joker Harlequeen vs Baby Ali: D’Joker without a doubt and its Mr. Federer vs Beast Boy. Mr. Federer has beaten the Argentine like 4-5 times this year already. However, Mr. Federer is looking as sloppy as Andy Roddick so I would not be surprise if there is an upset here! This will clearly be the match up of the day!

Beast Boy vs Mr. Federer in a major part trois. (I might be wrong about this)

So we are on schedule back again! Look out later on for a special posting from a guest contributor about the extracurricular of the one and only Serenanator!