2015 Australian Open: Day 1 of Horrors!

Hey y’all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open. I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don’t get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

So the 2015 Australian Open has officially begun! And boy or gurl or lady depending on who you are, was it an explosive first day, particularly on the women’s side. It was as though a cyclone or something ripped through the draw as the top seeds were being scattered left, right and center. These female underlings were gunning for the top seeds and trying to get that 2^nd round money because it is definitely more than the cheque for the 1^st round. Things were so massive that we do not even have time to chit chat, we have to go right to main story! 

Of the 16 seeded players from the bottom half who took to court to play their 1^st round matches, EIGHT of them lost. That’s right, 8/16, half of them, 50% of them were sent packing; dismissed; bid adieu; arrivederci or as they say in Australia, goodbye! It was amazing and shocking to a certain extent and I have seen a lot of tennis. I mean granted that several of them were not really surprises or upsets in my book. However, the sheer magnitude of the fallout was too epic to go unnoticed.

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN’S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

So let’s look at the damage done. The highest seed to fall was Ana Ivanovic (5) aka Ivanovic the Terrible. Now Ana took on Lucie Hradecka (pronounced Herdeskka, I know but it is Czech if I am not mistaken) Anyway, Ana was cruising 6-1 in the 1^st set and I swore she was going to sail through this match. However, we all know how Ivanovic the Terrible be showing up and wrecking Ana’s life and sure enough out came doppelganger. Ana’s ball toss was all over the place for the serve. She was stretching like it was Pilates class out there and Hradecka was enjoying the free points and nice cracks at the silly serves. Hradecka then wrapped up the match 1-6 6-3 6-2! Needless to say that Ana tried to stall things by going up to the chair umpire several times mid-game. She can never lose gracefully #checkyourpressuregurl

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please! Get out of my head!

After Ana was sent home, then came Carebear Kerber (9) who was off kilter from the beginning of the match v Irina-Camelia Begu. Begu was serious about the upset from the very start. She got the early breaks and though Kerber broke back, Begu was undeterred as she took the 1^st set 6-4. Begu got broken early in the 2^nd set and decided smartly I guess to tank the set altogether. She did enough to make Angie work for it and gave away the set at love. However, in the 3^rd set, she unleashed her reserves and Angie was left scrambling at the back of the court. She returned the kindness of the bagel from Angie with a breadstick for the German. Begu bagged the upset win 6-4 0-6 6-1.

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Two other big upsets were Lucie Safarova (16) aka Lady Gollum and Carla Suarez-Navarro (17). Safarova can be a dangerous floater but it seemed that she drew another dangerous floater in the form of Yaroslava Shvedova for a 1st round match. Shevedova came out inspired to score the upset on the 1^st day and succeeded as she dismissed the Czech 6-4 2-6 8-6. Carla was just disappointing all around. She did not even put up much of a fight as some Carina Witthoeft took her out 3-6 1-6. To be honest I am not even going to shed any tears for Carla because I will never forget that Aussie Open 2009 when she took out Granny Vee in the 2^nd round.

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Two veteran players, Svetlana Kuznetsova (27) aka Kuzi-Rex and Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki, got outplayed by two French women, Caroline Garcia and Kristina Mladenovic respectively. Kuzi-Rex was just not in the game at all. She allowed Garcia to take the upperhand in the match from the jump and only broke her in order to save face. Garcia nonetheless got the win 6-4 6-2. Mladenovic had a tougher time against Lose-sicki as she dropped the opening set 4-6. However, after trading breaks early in the 2^nd set, Mladenovic consolidated finally and kept on holding to take the match 4-6 6-4 6-2.

I don’t know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

The final two of the top seeds to get bounced are not really upsets in my book but by virtue of the rankings, they do register as “upsets”. Julia Goerges played a great match from start to finish to take out Belinda Bencic (32) in straight sets 6-2 6-1 and Yanina Wickmayer steadied herself after losing the opening set 4-6 to knock out Anastasia Fattychunkova (23) 4-6 6-3 6-3. And like I said, although we have to call these upsets because of the rankings, it is really not that serious. Bencic and Fattychunkova were not going to do anything anyway.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey (head of the WTA) I don’t lose to scrubs in early round of majors. That’s Serena. Don’t get it twisted!

Well not that we took care of the “big losers” we can talk about the “big winners”. Martha Shriekapova (2) and Simona Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide were both looking rusty as hell in their opening round matches. Neither was in danger of losing the match. However, perhaps if they were playing a more seasoned opponent, things could have been interesting. Nonetheless, they both won their matches in straight sets and through to the 2^nd round. Martha 6-4 6-1 over Petra Martic and Halep 6-3 6-2 over Karin Knapp.

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Genie Bouchard (7) who has to defend her semifinal points from last year, is one step closer as she took out Anna-Lena Friedsam 6-2 6-4. I am not sure she will get back to the semis but she as hell did not lose in the 1^st round so good of her. Another winner is Ekaterina Makarova (10) [I do not even realize she was ranked so high on the charts]. Anyway Makarova took out An-Sophie (I mean seriously that is her name) Mestach 6-2 6-2. Sara Errani (14) dismantled American Grace Min 6-1 6-0 in less than an hour.

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn’t fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life! And congrats on the win!

Other notable winners include 2014 US Open semifinalist Shuai Peng (21) and Pliskova (22) both won in straight sets. Zarina Diyas (31) took out Aga Lite aka Urszula Radwanska in 3 sets. Roberta Vinci beat Bojana Jovanovski in straight sets as Bethanie Mattek-Sands overcame her opponent Ying-Ying Duan in 3 sets. American Christina McFail was near the exit when she had an opportune bout of nausea resulting in a Medical Time Out. Of course she recovered in time to hold serve like a boss against Frenchwoman Stephanie Foretz. McFail got her act together to win the match 12-10 in the final set. Again these ladies resorting to tricks whenever their backs are up against the wall! These trainers should have to give a full report upon each visit to the court and if the illness is not “real and/or possible” the player has to pay a fine. They are getting too ridiculous with these MTOs now.

That was a great read Realz

On the men’s side, things were far more copacetic than it was on the women’s side. In fact, I think there was only 1 major casualty and again if we look at the big picture, it was no real surprise. However, let’s deal with the usual suspects first.

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair .. or at least whatever is left of it

Divadal may try telling the world that he is not a favourite for this Aussie Open title, but like all things coming out of Divadal’s mouth regarding his health and fitness, it is a lie straight from the pit of tennis hell. Divadal (3) came out against Mikhail Youzhny on fire. Youzhny who is no real slouch most of the times, really had no answer against the Spaniard. Divadal was hitting winners from all over the court in the most impossible and improbable positions. The commentators from both ESPN and EuroSport were beside themselves. It was a circle jerk at times how they were fawning over Divadal. They talked about how his shorts were “the shortest ever”, they talked about how they “missed him so much” and even about this look and body. It was too much. Anyway, Divadal is through 6-3 6-2 6-2.

I am back to full force and don’t none of you bitches forget that!

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer (2) again appears on target to extend his 11-year run to the Aussie Open semifinal or better stage. He took out Yen-Hsun Lu in straight sets 6-4 6-2 7-5. Lochness Murray (6) made a meal of his match against Yuki Bhambri but in the end he won in straight sets 6-3 6-4 7-6(3). Berdshite (7) also made life a bit difficult for himself against Alejandro Falla but he still got the job done in 3 sets, 6-3 7-6(1) 6-3. Grigor Dimitrov (10) aka Martha’s Bulgarian handbag had an easy day at the office when he took out German-Jamaican Dusty Brown 6-2 6-3 6-2. The worst part of the matter was that Dusty Brown thought he was going to factor in this match. He at one point appeared as though he was trying to do something of interest on the court. Thankfully Dimitrov got his clutch together and snapped those foolish desires away.

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Other winners included Kevin Anderson (14) who at 6’8” (2.03m) took on an opponent more than a foot beneath him, Diego Schwartzman who is 5’7” (1.7m). Anderson still had to fight for his life as Schwartzman was digging at his heels. Anderson took the match in 4 sets. David Goffin (20) aka the Hobbit also won in 4 sets over American Mike Russell. Most of the top seeds won their matches in straight sets including Philipp Kohlschreiber (22), Ivo Karlovic (23), Richard Gasquet (24), Leonardo Mayer (26) and Martin Klizan (32). Lukas Rosol (28) who at 6’5” (1.96m) had the rare opponent whose face he had to look up to see, Kenny DeScheppers, 6’8” (2.03m). It was a virtual battle of the giants. However, Rosol eked out the win in 5 sets to advance to the 2^nd round. A possible 3^rd round encounter with Divadal looms in the draw if both players can win their next match.

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

There were several matches with winners that should be of some interests to some people. Lukas Lacko, Jurgen Melzer and Viktor Troicki were all winners on Day 1. Melzer came through from qualification showing  some Q3 (final round) heroics on the court. So good of him to come back from the brink of defeat in the qualies  and win a maindraw match to make some 2^nd round money. Troicki who won Sydney this past weekend faced the winner from Auckland, Jiri Vesely. Unfortunately, someone had to go home and it was Vesely in 4 sets. Jeremy Chardy (29) escaped a youthful Borna Coric who seemed to have thought that enthusiasm made up for experience. Coric took the 1^st set but then played the big points poorly for the rest of the match. Chardy thus capitalized on his inexperience to take the match in 4 sets.

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major. He made life very easy for Chardy. Nonetheless, the 18-year is still HOT

Another interesting result is that of Andreas Seppi v Denis Istomin. This first round encounter was their 5^th meeting at a major and in each of the 4 previous matches, they all went the distance. They both won 2 matches a piece. This 5^th match was no different as it again went to a decisive 5^th set. Seppi won it this time around and moved through to the 2^nd round. In other news and more so from the rumour mill, Divadal’s boo, Juan Monaco, Pico, lost to Italian Simone Bollelli. Please note that the rumour is not that Monaco lost but the fact that he is Divadal’s boo.

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic? I thought you said I shouldn’t go after stupid boys

As we are in Australia at the Australian Open, I think it prudent that we note the achievements of the Aussie men because we all know that the Aussie ladies be a mess in Melbourne. Several of the local favourites extended their stay in Melbourne including the hotness that is Sam Groth. So happy he is sticking around some more. Marinko Matosevic and James Duckworth also won and will play in the 2^nd round. Bernard Tomic aka Tampomic was in a bit of trouble against Tobias Kamke of Germany but it seems that Kamke was merely wasting time. He had difficulty holding onto any of the leads that he had and eventually got sweeped aside in 4 sets.

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st “major” seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Now there were two other matches which produced a lot of joy and excitement for the local crowd. Thanasi Kokkinakis and fellow Greek-Aussie Nick Kyrgios aka St. Nicky Kripsy Kringles both won tough 5-set matches. Kokkinakis took out Ernests Gulbis (11). I know Gulbis would not disappoint me by being disappointing in this opening round match. I have no idea why Gulbis lost this match other than to say that it was his entire entire fault. Kokkinaskis took it 5-7 6-0 1-6 7-6(2) 8-6. Krispy Kringles had his own dramatics calling out the trainer to deal with his “back”. He was struggling against Frederico Delbonis (the name sounds familiar but I do not know who he is either). Anyway, Kringles won 7-6(2) 3-6 6-3 6-7 6-3.

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

Anyway, that is enough about the matches! We look forward to Day 2. I hope it is nowhere near as crazy as this first day. That is to say, I hope the Williams Sisters do not lose. They have signed up for doubles and I have no idea why Granny Vee is adding more work to her schedule considering that she has Sjogren but you know I am not even going to touch this right now. Don’t forget that Slowe Stephens v Vickie is slated! Should be a very interesting match to say the least! Anyway fanz enjoy the posting and DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT!!

BIG PICTURE MIXED BAG IS BACK

I am so excited that this is back!!

 #TeamHotties

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Grigor’s stock have gone down as of late especially since he’s playing “house” with Martha but he can still get it.

Andreas Seppi isn’t looking at his best but he cannot get any worst! This Italian sausage is a sure bet on #teamcandefinitelygetit

We are not here for Divadal. He is just giving Fake Fire Ferrer more shine!

Tabasco Verdasco has definitely sen better days but he is still able to make the rounds as a resident hottie in these parts

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

#TeamCutie

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

#TeamNottie

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you’re a grown man

See he could be on #teamhottie

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

I don’t know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she’s definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

Am I wrong?

MIXED BAG PHOTOS

There is nothing I love more than when Tennis Players meet for an event. Here we have the IMG Agency party and so much goodies here for Realz to get it. 

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He’s a nightmare right about now! He has definitely been traded

Look at Heather. I don’t get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain’t cute! And let’s talk about that dress. That’s some avant garde upholstery fabric sewed together with some old pleather jacket and you trying to pass it off as fashion. #Gurlbye

I can’t even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. The clothes are cute but she is not making them work. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better. Meanwhile, I don’t know why the front of the jeans are bunching up like there is extra junk in that compartment. That was not a read, just being realz! #truthdotcom

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can’t get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that. 

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend (cause no way in hell a good friend let this happen) said, gurl let’s go to this party down the block, just put on some shoes and let’s go. So Genie just stuck her nightgown top into this pajama bottom shorts and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. Guess Again! The gurl on the right, Tomlijanovic, killed it!

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a style team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she’s wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. But I can’t even be mad at the kitten heels because everything else is so RIGHT!!Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she’s 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there’s no baby.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don’t need those fake ones anymore that I have at home.

Weather Problem? 

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne or so I thought …

So why are these people wearing this? That’s a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

It’s just a gay ole time in Melbourne 

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Then we have the “Genie Army” but what I don’t get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He’s relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that’s his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don’t think Uncle Toné approves of this message

 

2015 Australian Open: Menz Preview

So here we are at the Australian Open 2015, January 19-February 1! I feel like we always start out each new major posting with the same tired line. However, really and truly I am not sure how else to begin! I mean we all know why we are here and what we are about. So why complicate matters? Wait, I could have started out by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR to my old fanz and the new fanz we hope to get this coming year! I am hoping that 2015 bring RealzTenisFanz into more homes, screens, mobile devices and tennis fans’ consciousness. We are not seeking legitimacy here because RealzTenisFanz is and has always been a “prestigious publication”. RealzTenisFanz is however seeking more recognition, more publicity because let us be real about the matter, RealzTenisFanz does not really have much us an audience! We are going to change that for 2015. We are also going to change the fact that FANZ NEED TO COMMENT BELOW!

COMMENT BELOW

In case you are new to RealzTenisFanz and I hope that many of you are new, we keep it realz and controversial in these parts. We do not hold back and we have no/nil/nilch/zero fcuks and/or cares to give! You will love it here because we allow everyone to have a say (PLEASE COMMENT BELOW) and also even if you are a casual fan of tennis or know nothing at all about the sport, RealzTenisFanz has something for you! So stick around and again Happy New Year to all my peeps and haters too! Trust and believe, Realz got nothing but admiration for my haters who can stay so bitter and keep on giving me shine! Bless your evil hearts!

Anyway, let us not digress too much! We are here for another year of tennis courtesy the many players on both the ATP and WTA! We all have ones we love (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), those we hate (Serena, Mr. Federer, Granny Vee, Divadal, Shriekapova, Djoker, Lochness Monster, Ivanovic the Terrible etc), some we pretend do not exist (Fake Fire Ferrer, St. Nick Krispy Kringle, Berdshite, Ernests Gulbis, Lordlize Cornemort, Garbine Muguruza, Tsvetana Pironkova) and those we do not even know exist (Michael Berrer, Zarina Diyas, Pablo Cuevas, Santiago Gulbis). Nonetheless, Realz is here to make all this simple and easy. Realz take away all the fluff, pomp and circumstances of “traditional and/or mainstream sports media” and give it to you straight, stiff and strong … Who am I kidding, ain’t nothing straight in these parts unless we mean “Spaghetti Straight”; it is straight until you cook it.

Enough grandstanding, so we are at the Australian Open in Melbourne and we have to do the traditional bit of “Picks of the Tournaments”! However, I often find this all very boring, dull and merely a lot of hot air talk mixed with bullshit analysis. I am not one to favour picking a winner because as you all know, Realz subscribes to the maxim, “The game is won and lost on the field not on paper!” Nonetheless, we can do some talking about the draw and checking out how things are stacked and who might get where or who might get nowhere or even who just not anywhere at all. Of course, we will have the obligatory photos to shade and shadow the players!

So let us begin with the MENZ (Do note that the WOMENZ’s breakdown will be issued in a separate post. The next post after this in fact!)

As have been the case as of late, I break the draw down into halves, then quarters and then further still into eighths. I find this way easier to deal and manage. I also wish I can come up with a cool graphic to display it all but Realz ain’t got money for all that so it will be down the good ole fashioned bootleg way! That is to say, it will be mostly words.

BELOW IS THE BREAKDOWN OF THE TOP 32 SEEDS!

2015 Australian Open Top Menz Seeds
Top Half	Bottom Half
1. Novak Djokovic (Djoker Harlequeen)	2. Roger Federer (Mr. Federer/Mr. Federror)
4. Stan Wawrinka (Stanley)	3. Rafael Nadal (Divadal)
5. Kei Nishikori (Horsikori)	6. Andy Murray (Lochness Monster)
8. Milos Raonic (Dennis the Menace)	7. Tomas Berdych (Berdshite)
9. David Ferrer (Fake Fire Ferrer)	10. Grigor Dimitrov (Maria’s Bulgarian handbag)
12. Feliciano Lopez (FeFe Lopez)	11. Ernests Gulbis (Nothing has stick yet)
13. Roberto Bautista-Agut (Not Worthy)	14. Kevin Anderson (Not Worthy)
16. Fabio Fognini (Pignini)	15. Tommy Robredo (Not Worthy)
17. Gael Monfils (Beetlejuice)	20. David Goffin (Hobbit)
18. Gilles Simon (Chicken Legs/Drumsticks)	22. Philipp Kohlschreiber (Nothing has stick yet)
19. John Isner (Big Friend Giant Mountain Troll)	23. Ivo Karlovic (Nothing has stick yet)
21. Alexandr Dolgopolov (BWLLAGWLLAB)	24. Richard Gasquet (Nothing has stick yet)
25. Julien Benneteau (Julie B)	26. Leonardo Mayer (Mulling over a name for him)
27. Pablo Cuevas (Have no idea who he is)	28. Lukas Rosol (Ended Divadal’s 2012 life)
30. Santiago Giraldo (Who he?)	29. Jeremy Chardy (Not Worthy)
31. Fernando Verdasco (Tabasco Verdasco)	32. Martin Klizan (Not Worthy)

*Please note (Not worthy) means the player has not done much yet to earn a suitable moniker! It does not mean she is not worthy as a person! 
** Please note (Nothing has stick yet) means there has been several attempts to give the player a moniker but nothing has really stood through the test of times. 

So let us begin:

Djoker (1) v Stanley (4) Top Half

Bae, why does your face feel like it got attacked by a meat tenderizer?

Djoker (1) v Raonic (8) Quarter

You all know I am here to pick up my 5th Aussie Open title

Djoker’s Section Eighth: The 4-time Aussie Open Champion, Djoker, opens his bid for a 5^th title with a qualifier. He has no one of real quality until a possible 3^rd round showing against Tabasco Verdasco (31) a previous semifinalist here if I am not mistaken. However, if we are going to be serious here, Tabasco Verdasco has long since failed to be a hot consistent player on tour unless we are talking body hot and even there he is lacking as of late. Truth be told, he is playing more like mayonnaise than hot sauce these days. I am actually surprised that he is seeded here at all. Therefore, Djoker should have no trouble at all getting to the 4^th Round where he could meet either John Isner (19) aka BFG Mountain Troll or Roberto Bautista-Agut (13) who has a different Spanish style of game. He hits a flat ball compared to his other compatriots. Djoker should get to quarters no problemo to face a real threat of sorts Milos Raonic!

Don’t forget about me! I might be spoiling some people’s plans!

Raonic’s Section Eighth: In the quarters for the Serbian, looms another big server in the form of Raonic (8). The Canadian should also get to the quarters but he has to be very very smart about his tennis. There are several well-experienced players in his eighth of the draw and they can be rather problematic. There are also a lot of tall players in this section. No doubt Raonic should move past the first two rounds. However, waiting for him in the 3^rd round could be Julie B (25) or Lleyton Hewitt who even though is old and broken, does tend to like to stir things up when the big lights are on him. The organizers will definitely schedule this matchup on primetime and on Rod Laver Arena. However, Raonic should be able to handle this pressure by now. A 4^th round possibility for the Canadian is Fefe Lopez (12) or Monfils aka Beetlejuice (17) and if he gets Beetlejuice, he might be in serious trouble. There are several matches in this section which should be rightly entertaining: A possible Juan Martin Del Potro (back from long term wrist injury) verses another giant in Jerzy Janowicz in the 1^st round, then the winner of this faces Beetlejuice and the winner of that match play a possible Lopez (12) in the 3^rd round and then that winner play Raonic. It is like the “Battle of the Giants”

*Juan Martin Del Potro aka Beast Boy has just pulled out of the Aussie Open citing precaution of a possible wrist injury! SUCH A SHAME. He will be replaced by Hiroki Moriya from Japan. I have NO IDEA who he is. As we are talking about those who will not be here, we should mention that Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Marin Cilic have both pulled out of the tournament citing injuries. Tsonga would be missed but I think Cilic pulled out because of the pressure of living up to his US Open win at the next major! It would be less pressure at the French Open where he is hardly favoured to win. 

Stanley (4) v Horsikori (5) Quarter

Don’t get it twisted folks, I am defending champion so I got street creds for this here title!

Stanley’s Section Eighth: Stanley (4) should get to the Round of 16 without any hiccups whatsoever. I do not believe he will retain his surprise title from last year. No Shade No T here, Stanley took out Djoker, Berdshite and Divadal en route to the title. That was a real Herculean effort, unlikely to be repeated ever again but he still deserves praise for that accomplishment. However, he has the potential of at least getting to the semis which considering his usual pedigree would be a major achievement in and of itself. He could face in the 4^th round (Round of 16), Fabio Fognini aka Pignini (16) and this I doubt because Pignini with slaughter himself along the way.

The teeth though!

Horsikori’s Section Eighth: Horsikori (5) might have a tougher time getting to the quarterfinals. Gilles Simons (18) aka Chicken Legs or Drumsticks is capable of being a tough opponent if he plays to his true potential and not his shoe size. Kei will however, start off his Melbourne campaign against Nicolas Almagro who is returning to tour from long term injury. It is nice to see him back on tour, in fact, I love to see his back on tour because his behind is muy caliente. Horsikori should get to the Round of 16 where he can potentially face Fake Fire Ferrer (9) who is desperate to get back in top 5 ranking. Ferrer loves nothing better than to occupy that 5^th place spot! He will be coming for Horsikori’s mane.

I mean look at this booty of Almagro! #icant

And this bodé! I mean he is not going to be around long so we have to soak up as much as we can while we can! 

Fake Fire Ferrer doesn’t like being so close to bottom of the top 10! For him, being 5 in the world is Number 1 in his book, so best believe, he is looking to get back up there in 2015

Mr. Federer (2) v Divadal (3) Bottom Half

Mr. Federer giving Divadal the sideeye having had his wig snatched by the Spaniard in Melbourne so many times now

Divadal (3) v Berdshite (7) Quarter

Berdshite is still around … however, the tournament haven’t started yet

Berdshite’s Section Eighth: Berdshite should get to the Round of 16 at the very least. However, knowing how this Czech can go well off the rails, he is capable of losing in the 1^st round as well as getting to the semifinals with some luck. He might face some stiff competition in the 3^rd round if Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) is also playing up to his true potential. The same can also be said for Ernests Gulbis (11) who might face Berdshite in the 4^th Round. Also lurking in these parts are Kevin Anderson (14) who has yet to get a win over Berdshite (one of the few sure things in Berdshite’s life) and also Gasquet (24). This section of the draw has the potential of a surprise quarterfinalist and/or some “upsets”.

Divadal is here people! Don’t get it twisted, he might have been “sick” for months now but he is dangerous in Melbourne

Divadal’s Section Eighth: Divadal has an easy ride into the semifinals. The former champion here in 2009 and last year’s finalist is looking to prove his worth after disappearing yet again from the tour with an “abnormal case of appendicitis”. He looked rusty in Doha losing to Michael Berrer (I don’t know who he is either) but there is virtually no one in these parts that Divadal cannot handle. However, I would have thought he could have handled the scrub Berrer. Nonetheless, this is a major and Divadal usually gets his life together for these big occasions. He opens against Mikhail Youzhny who is a former top 20 player but somehow found himself lurking in the far depth of the ranking. Youzhny if I am not mistaken has a win against Divadal at a major but I doubt it very much if he will be so lucky again. While we are on the subject of surprise win over Divadal at a major, in this section lurks the mercurial Lukas Rosol (28) who might be Divadal’s 3^rd round opponent. However, I am not even sure if Rosol would get that far in the draw but I thought it only fair to point out that there was a potential of it happening.

Mr. Federer (2) v Lochness Monster Murray (6) Quarter

You know if I don’t at least get to the finals, you’re fired right Amelie?

Lochness Monster’s Section Eighth: Now the end of last year did not bode well for the Scotsman who is a 3-time finalist here in Melbourne. He got his ass whipped by Mr. Federer at the Year Ending Championships; 0-6 1-6. After this result, Nessie fired his entire team with the lone exception of Amelie Mauresmo. He also decided to make it official with his long term girlfriend Kim Sears (I think that is how her name is pronounced but I hardly care one way or the other) Anyway, he too should have an easy time getting to the 2^nd week of the tournament. He will potentially face Dimitrov (10) who I am not sure about as of late.

Dimitrov is looking to get his bag straps together!

I have no clue which version of Martha’s Bulgarian handbag will show up in Melbourne. This clutch could play tennis like the real deal from the luxury shop or show up here like a knockoff from Chinatown. He should have no trouble getting past German Jamaican Dustin Brown in the 1^st round. Brown I am sure will be spending the match thinking about all the tweets about him because after the match he will spend all his time retweeting. This fool spends more time retweeting on Twitter than on the actual tennis court. He swears he is the shite. Meanwhile, he cannot make the German Davis Cup team. #gurlbye Anyway, if Dimitrov is not up to the task, lil Hobbit David Goffin (20) might be there ready to take his spot in the 4^th Round.

Mr. Federer is ready to claim his 5th Aussie Open title!

Mr. Federer’s Section Eighth: Mr. Federer also has an easy time to quarters. Hopefully the teenager, Borna Coric can get his life together and win a couple of rounds to meet Mr. Federer in the 3^rd round. Otherwise, Jeremy Chardy (29) might be Mr. Federer’s opponent. Not much to fear still unless one counts Tommy Robredo (15) who took out Mr. Federer at the 2013 US Open. Mr. Federer looked good coming into Melbourne having won the Brisbane title. He looked in great form as he dispatched both Dimitrov and Raonic. However, despite the immense talents that both Dimitrov and Raonic possess, they are hardly the real problem for Mr. Federer. If Mr. Federer wants to win this title, he has to beat Divadal and Djokovic back to back in a major. This is a HUGE ORDER especially at 33 years old. However, if anyone can get it done, it is Mr. Federer. Hopefully luck is on his side as well. 

Youngster Borna Coric is looking to make a splash on the tour this year

OVERALL IMPRESSION OF THE MENZ DRAW

There is not really much else to say. The draw is evenly distributed. I really do not think that the bottom half is stacked more so than the top. However, the Melbourne organizers see it fit to place Mr. Federer and Divadal on the same side of the draw AGAIN. Mr. Federer who has made it to the Aussie Open semis or better (4-time Champion here) since 2004 (AMAZING RECORD), always seem to bump into Divadal a lot. Anyway, I think Djoker is the favourite no matter how you slice it. Whether he would win is another matter altogether but he is the one trending in my book. Supposedly, the weather in Melbourne will be cooler over the next two weeks and the courts are playing faster … allegedly. Now this might give Mr. Federer is good chance to claim his 18^th major title but that is still is BIG ASK!

Never count out Divadal. He is on 14 majors and he is looking for number 15 to edge even closer to Mr. Federer in the top major winner category. A win here at the Aussie Open would make him the 2nd man in the Open-Era (open meaning that the sport is open to both tennis professionals and amateurs) to win each major at least twice! Meanwhile, Lochness Murray is desperate to keep his name in the “Honourable Mention” section in light of the top 3 players listed above. He can definitely make the necessary noise here to do so by winning this elusive title. However, for him to get to the final and win this title will require a Herculean effort. I am not sure he has that power.

Mr. Nicky Kripsy Kringles Kyrgios is confused as to what the deal is. He looks like he’s ready for some ratchet fashion shoot in some back alley

I don’t know why Hewitt’s son Cruz is on the court. Seems like daddy has babysitting issues. It is my feelings that Hewitt is not retiring because Becky doesn’t want him home and he needs the money because his old broken body should be home by now

Anyway, I think we can wrap up the menz here for now. I look forward to giving you the “in-depth” coverage from Melbourne!  

Wimbledon 2014: Day 1

What do you mean we can’t get in? WTF??

Well Wimbledon 2014 started without any major news aka gossip to spread beforehand. Everything seemed to be perfect other than the fact that there were more tickets for Day 1 than there were places available. People had to be turned away from the grounds. Or so they said. Anyway, let us get right to the results because I am pressed for time. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO CHECK OUT http://www.ubitennis.com/english/?refresh_ce AND http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/  for a more realistic coverage. However, never forget to stay tuned to RealzTenisFanz for your coverage. We’re on TWITTER and FACEBOOK too. PLEASE COMMENT BELOW and provide feedback.

So the men’s

Lochness Monster is looking to continue his winning ways at Wimbledon

Lochness Monster (3) who was first up on Centre Court, won his opening round match against the lil Goblin David Goffin 6-1 6-4 7-5. The Goblin can be a lil tricky but Nessie handled him efficiently. Clearly Nessie is under a lot of pressure to do well in his home tournament since he hired a Frenchwoman, Amelie Mauresmo to help him deal with his lack of major major success. You do realize that Nessie has been the last 3 “Wimbledon” finals (2 majors and 1 Olympic) So homegurl is really looking to extend this trend. Anyway, Djoker Harlequeen (1) was feeling himself as he totally dismantled Andrey Golubev 6-0 6-1 6-4. Golubev nearly went down 6-0 6-0 but spurred on by the crowds was able to win himself 5 games to make it a respectable scoreline.

Djoker isn’t trying to muck around. He has not won a major since 2013 Aussie Open and lost 4 of the last 4 major finals. NO BUENO. He is coming for this Wimbledon crown

Berdshite (6) overcame a slow start against Victor Hanescu to move through to the 2^nd round 6-7 6-1 6-3 6-2. Of the 153 total points Berdshite won in the match, 75 of them were winners. That’s staggering as that is nearly 50% of his points. Excellent job. Will be interesting to see if the bird brain can keep this up. Anyway, Fake Fire Ferrer (7) also won in 4 sets over fellow Spaniard Pable Carreno-Busta 6-0 6-7 6-1 6-1. Sharapova’s clutch Dimitrov (11) won in straight sets over American Ryan Harrison 7-6 6-3 6-2. A pair of Russians, Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Andrey Kuznetsov, former Wimbledon Junior champion, took out a pair of young British hopefuls, Jamie Ward and Daniel Evans respectively. Youzhny won in straights 6-2 6-2 6-1 and Kuznetsov in 4 sets 6-1 7-5 3-6 7-6.

Are you calling me a douche? No I am calling you Goonie Gulbis

Other seeded players who won include Ernest Goonie Gulbis (12) in 3 tough sets over Jurgen Zopp, Fabio “Mr. Pignini” Fognini (16) over American Alex Kuznetsov in 5 sets, Kevin Anderson (20), BWLLAGWLLAB Dolgopolov (21) and Chin Cilic (26). Baby Ali Tsonga (14) has to complete his match against Jurgen Meltdown. They are locked in the 5^th set. Tsonga looked to have this match on lockdown as he won the 1^st set 6-1 and had early break points in the 2^nd set. However, he lost his way and soon found himself down 1-2 sets. He found his way and took the 4^th set and now they are in a 5^th set. Tsonga up 5-4 and will serve for the match when play resumes.

I need to come back tomorrow?? WTF??

Other notable winners were Roberto Bautista-Agut who won last week’s grass court warmup in Holland, Benjamin Becker who took out American hopeful Donald Young in straight sets 6-4 6-3 6-4, Shark Boy Stepanek who will take on Djoker in the 2^nd round, Marcos Fatdatis who dismissed Dustin Brown aka Dreddy Tennis aka the man who beat Divadal at Halle two weeks ago. Hottie Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem fizzled out as he was knocked by another youngster, Austrialian qualifier Luke Saville in 4 sets. Fellow Aussie Bernard Tampomic is also through to the 2^nd round. The man who beat Mr. Federer last year in the 2^nd round, Ukrainian Sergei Stakhovsky won in straight sets over Carlos Berloq 6-3 6-3 6-3. Not to worry Mr. Federer’s fanz, Stakhovsky is on the other side of the draw far far far away from Mr. Federer. They can only meet in the final and we all know that is very unlikely to happen. Frenchmen Gilles Simon and Jeremy Chardy are also through to the 2^nd round.

Tabasco Verdasco played like ketchup today

By way of upsets, we have Tabasco Verdasco (18) going out to the likes of Marinko Matosevic 4-6 6-4 4-6 2-6. Matosevic is the douche who had this to say about Lochness Monster hiring Mauresmo as his coach “It’s all equal rights these days. Got to be politically correct. So, yeah, someone has to give it a go. I couldn’t do it, though, since I don’t think that highly of the women’s game.” I really expected Verdasco to shut this fool up with a straight sets beatdown but I guess way too much gel in his hair addled his brains or something. Andreas Seppi (25) also went out in 5 sets to Leonardo Mayer 3-6 6-2 6-4 6-7 4-6. Vasek Pospisil (31) was sent packing by Robin Haase in 4 sets. Well these are not real upsets… I guess I should really say, seeded players got “dispersed” and no one really cares.

I wasn’t ready!!!

The Ladies,

Kvitova giving me Grand High Witch face

Things were far more routine on the ladies’s side. LiNaLi (2) of course complicated her life against a qualifier but she pulled through in the end in straight sets 7-5 6-2 over Paula Kania. GHW Kvitova (6) also came through in straight sets over Andrea Hlavakova 6-3 6-0. Other straight sets winners included Vickie (8) 6-3 7-5 over Marijana Lucic-Baroni, Dominika Cibuttkova (10), Flavia Penne Pasta Pennetta (12), Lady Gollum Safarova (23) over Julia Georges 7-6 7-6, Elena Vesnina (32), Moaning Mona Barthel and Bjona Jovanovski. I have to say again that I am happy at Vickie is back. However, that serve of hers will be the death of her. She was a mess out there today against Lucic-Baroni. She is lucky that girl…well woman since Lucic-Baroni is 32 was not someone of a higher ranking because they would have been all over those measly serves.

Vickie is back in her pum pum shorts

Granny Vee who just turned 34 last week won her match in 3 sets and before people get on her case saying that she was being messy, I have to say that she was actually playing some decent tennis. Her stats were on point: she got 65% of her 1^st serves in, winning 89% of the points (41/46) and 64% on the 2^nd serve. She was up at net 20 times and won the point 18 of those times. She was 3/3 on break points with 41 winners including 11 aces and 16 errors. I mean those are some healthy numbers. Usually those are some ridiculous numbers like 1/8 on break points etc etc. Hopefully she keeps this up. And speaking of grandmothers, Granny Goodness Date Krumm was coasting against Ekaterina Makarova (22) but then got lost. She was up 5-0 in the 1^st set but could not close it out initially. She won the set 6-3. She dropped the 2^nd 4-6 and was up 2-0 in the 3^rd but unable to maintain the lead. Makarove took the match 3-6 6-4 7-5 and sent Granny Goodness home.

This ugly Spanish itch was trying to come for me!!

I mean seriously Granny Goodness is looking sexy out here… but that knee needs to be replaced

By way of upsets, we have Sam D’Stove Stosur (17) and Slowe Stephens (18). They were both ousted today to provide the tournament’s first upsets. D’Stove has yet to figure out the courts of Wimbledon despite nearly all pundits saying that her game is suited for the grass. She was knocked out in straight sets but Yanina Wickmayer 6-3 6-4. Slowe Stephens who has made decent runs in the draw at the last 6 majors was dismissed by Maria Kirilenko 6-2 7-6. This should not be of no real surprise since Stephens plays pretty poorly on tour. She was expecting her luck to carry her through to the latter stages but it was not to be the case this yr. Another upset came in the form of Coco Vandeweghe who recently won the grass court warm up tournament in Holland. She took out Garbine Muguruza (27) Serena Slayer at the French Open. Muguruza was dismissed from Wimbledon 3-6 6-3 5-7. And speaking of upsets… well more so upset stomach, Vania King aka Sailor Moon aka Saw Clown. This gurl was up 5-0 in the 1^st set only to lose then next….wait for it… the next 12 games to be down 5-7 0-5. She by the grace of God no less took the next three games but unable to deny her opponent Yvonne Meusburger the win 7-5 6-3.

You best take off those sunglasses and try to find yourself a backhand gurl

WTF is happening? This is a major. I don’t lose in the 1st round…

Well that is it for the notable winners on Day 1. Do note that four women’s matches scheduled for today were not completed: Bratzwanska (4), Danish Biscuit (16), Alien v Predator Errani (14) and Kuzi-Rex (28) all have to finish up tomorrow. Tomorrow will also see Divadal, Serenanator, Mr. Federer, the conclusion of Baby Ali’s match, Radwanska matches etc etc.. Hope you enjoyed this posting…

BIG PICTURE SHOW

Definitely some of the Hottest pictures we have had on RealzTenisFanz ever..

Even Berdshite is surprised he looks so good

Wait Realz you were talking about my hair…
No I was talking about the weave not your hair..

Venus giving us Ebony Starr Goddess here!

Look at this Ginger cookie.. I want to eat every crumb

And his name is Cox I swear!!

His name is Pospisil but I like to call him Popsicle.. and we know why..

Firey Ferrer at his best

In a certain light and made pliable with some liquor.. Jurgen Meltdown could definitely get it

Andreas Seppi… would love a sip of this fine Italian win

Pablo Carrena-Busta… I mean the nose aside… he could definitely get it

Robin Haase is a YES

Russian Evgeny Donskoy I mean come on… how can we not say DA to this

He’s a lil frustrated man but definitely a hottie

I don’t know what that finger is for but it is certainly not for number 1 ranked tennis player. Anyway, as always Vickie is a HOTTIE and a lil tongue action, what more can a boy who is into girls want

Kirilenko is serving up fish!! AMAZING

Look at Granny Goodness.. she looks really amazing

Moaning Mona, what is your excuse

She looks like a carrot that has been eaten by a horse..

I must end on Mr. Federer of course

Meanwhile Shaq is as lost as ever..

 

Wimbledon 2014 Preview I: The Men’s Draw

You know Realz always ignore the rules

So RealzTenisFanz is finally back on the blogosphere. Currently I am “enjoying” this unemployment status. (Won’t someone hire me and pay me good money?) It is just a brutal affair right now. I might have to start turning tricks and sad to say, I am not a kid. Anyway, let me apologize for not making a single entry for the French Open 2014. I had intentions to do so the entire time. However, I ended up being extremely busy with another gig http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/ Feel free to comment there also as well as here. Now this Hackshaw dude is a lot different from Realz in that he is not as haterrific but I guess one has to be versatile in order to make it to the top or in my case, stay at the bottom.

There not one thing about this picture that makes me happy! Nada! Rien! Nyet! “Hey gurl ReRe, we miss you!” Meanwhile, man in the middle: “That look when you trying to touch the pretty lady’s ass and the man on the other side reaching for yours”

Anywho I am digressing. What can I say about the 2014 French Open? I mean Divadal won his 9^th title and 5^th in a row and Shriekapova won her 2^nd. Now you think I was a happy camper? Nope not in the least! It was as horrid as back in 2012 when there was a similar result.  So here we are 3 weeks later at Wimbledon. By the way, there is talk that next year, there would be a longer grass court season. That would be interesting because as it stands now, there are about 7 tournaments between the men and women (4 for men and 3 for women) and they are mostly going on simultaneously. I think they can do better than this for sure. Most of the top players skipped them and those who showed up with the exception of Mr. Federer, they all lost early.

The Wimbledon Trophies

So let us discuss the draw. On the men’s side, Wimbledon committee chose to this year play around with the seedings for the men. Presumably this was to deal with Andy Murray’s 5^th place ranking. He is the defending champion so the Wimbledon feels that if he is outside of the top 4, he is likely to get into trouble. I mean he lost to Radek Stepanek at Queen’s Club in the 3^rd round. I don’t know who they think they’re protecting because at Wimbledon, the trouble comes not from the “big boys” but from the scrubs lurking about the place. Anyway, Wimbledon did some hocus pocus Hogwarthian magic with the ranking not just for Lochness Monster but for some other players. I have highlighted the crazy “fixing” by the All-England Club. Do note that Juan Martin Del-Potro aka Beast Boy who is ranked 8^th in the world and 27th ranked Nicolas Almagro are not playing so that means everyone below them should only move up one spot. However, Wimbledon School of Magical Farts and Wigotry worked with a “New Math” principles in mind. There are so much to say on the subject but I can’t right now… I am trying to finish this and go for a run…I have to tell you people that the two weeks of major tournament be messing up my gym/run/sleep schedule. I cannot deal. This is summer time and I cannot be gaining weight…. No one is checking for bears these days and Bears are only the interest of Goldilocks if you know what I mean. Anyway, though this seeding business is bullshit, it hardly matters. It is very unlikely that someone other than Djoker, Divadal, Mr. Federer or Lochness Monster will be in the final to take the crown. However, on a matter of principle, it is not okay. Those players who got shafted worked really hard for their rankings and then Wimbledon decides that they are not worthy of it. Meanwhile, the women stayed the same!

Professor Wiggle Wimbledon mucking around with the men’s seeds. Changopresto!

Player	Wimbledon Seed	Actual Ranking
Djoker (Novak Djokovic)	1	2
Divadal (Rafael Nadal)	2	1
Lochness Monster (Andy Murray)	3	5
Mr. Federer (Roger Federer)	4	4
Stan the Man (Stan Wawrinka)	5	3
Berdshite/Lurch (Tomas Berdych)	6	6
Fake Fire Ferrer (David Ferrer)	7	7
Dennis the Menace (Milos Raonic)	8	9
Big Friendly Giant aka BFG (John Isner)	9	11
Kei Nishikori	10	12
Sharapova’s Bulgarian clutch (Grigor Dimitrov)	11	13
Ernests Gulbis	12	10
Richard Gasquet	13	14
Baby Ali (Jo-Wilfried Tsonga)	14	17
Jerzy Janowicz	15	24
Mr. Piggy (Fabio Fognini)	16	15
Mikhail Youzhny	17	16
Tabasco Verdasco (Fernando Verdasco)	18	23
FeFe Lopez (Feliciano Lopez)	19	25
Kevin Anderson	20	18
BWLLAGWLLAB (Alexandr Dolgopolov)	21	19
Philipp Kohlschreiber	22	27
Tommy Robredo	23	22
Beetlejuice (Gael Monfils)	24	21
Andreas Seppi	25	34
Chin Cilic (Marin Cilic)	26	29
Roberto Bautista Agut	27	28
Guillermo Garcia-Lopez	28	31
Ivo Karlovic	29	33
Marcel Granollers	30	30
Vasek Pospisil	31	35
Dmitry Tursunov	32	32

I am going to divide the men’s draw into halves and then quarters. I will discuss the players in each section, labelling each section based on the top seeds. I will highlight the various potential matchups and key matches to watch. I am not making predictions because you know how that goes. All I can say as always, I want Mr. Federer to win. That will never change.

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Djoker (1) v Berdshite (6)

Djoker is looking for another Wimbledon crown

Djoker (2011 Champion) opens his campaign for a 2^nd Wimbledon crown against Andrey Golubev. He has a potential 2^nd round match up against Shark Boy Stepanek. However, knowing how Shark Boy loves to play 5 set matches in majors, Djoker will be fresh and ready to crush him.  There is also a potential class between Djoker and Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Baby Ali (14) in the Round of 16. Now we all remember that beat down Baby Ali got recently in Paris by the hands of Djoker. I am sure Baby Ali would be looking for revenge. I am not sure how much he would be able to exact because Djoker is hungry to win a major this year. He has come up short twice already and he is not feeling that at all.

Baby Ali has a winning smile but that will not help him at the All-England Club

On the other side of this quarter lies Berdshite who has made the final here in 2010. He has all the attributes to be an excellent grass court player other than the fact that he is a Neanderthal’s brain. Berdshite has to get pass Marin Chin Cilic (26) in the 3^rd round and then face in the Round of 16 the winner of the Ernests Gulbis (12) v Tabasco Verdasco (18) 3^rd round match. There was some HUGE HITTERS in this section of the draw. Would be very interesting to see what happens here.

Quarter 2: Lochness Monster (3) v Fake Fiery Ferrer (7)
Lochness Monster is the defending champion and he comes into this Wimbledon with a female coach, 2006 champion Amelie Mauresmo. This is a huge headline in and of itself. I must admit that initial when this talk of their partnership was a rumour, I did not think it would happen. However, when it was in fact finalized, I really have no issue with it. I mean a coach is someone telling you what to do. It is not like the coach needs to be of a specific gender or of a certain calibre former player. I know a lot of guys have a lot of bullshit to say. However, I think this is a good partnership and more than likely Amelie will stop Lochness Monster from giving those monster faces all the time on court. He will be force to act more like an adult than a sullen child. Anyway, he has a really easy draw. He got a scrub, David Goffin in the 1^st round and then possible a Spaniard clay court specialist though he just won a grass court tournament in Holland, Roberto Bautista-Agut (27) in the 3^rd round or Mr. Piggy, Fabio Fognini (16) or Kevin Anderson (20) in the 4^th round. I do not know when is Lochness Monster’s birthday but he can consider this a birthday/Christmas gift all rolled up in one.

Lochness Monster is giving me FACE!!

Now listen to me, you have to play the one-handed slice backhand… Can you do that for me? It worked against Henin.

On the other end is Grigor Dimitrov (11) aka Shriekapova’s Bulgarian handbag who opens against American Ryan Harrison. Rising star, Austria’s Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem is a potential 2^nd round opponent for the clutch purse. This should be a good match up but I think Grigor will come through. It would be a very good looking match nonetheless. I think Ferrer who is on the bottom of this section should come through for at least the Round of 16. There is a matchup of some interest here when Dustin Brown who inexplicably defeated Divadal in Halle couple of weeks ago. “Dreddy Tennis” as he calls himself, will play against Marcos Fatdatis in the 1^st round. I would like to see how this one turns out.

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Mr. Federer (4) v Stan the Man (5)

Live Fast? Just don’t die quick out there. Last year you punked out in the 2nd round much to my horror. I can’t deal with these kinda dismal results at all this year

Hopefully that is a rising sun and not a setting one… Because your career seems to be near dusk right about now

Mr. Federer (4) the 7^th time champion is looking for his 8^th title here. He faces a bothersome Frenchman Julien Benneteau in the 2^nd round and then possibly Dingo Dog Hewitt or 2013 semifinalist Jerzy Janowicz (15) or Tommy Robredo (23) in the 4^th round. Stan the Man (5) has not done well on grass here but still he deserves his ranking of 3 in the world. Anyway, he will have a tough time getting out of this part of the draw. Not only is Mr. Federer a possible quarterfinal opponent but he could face either Denis Istomin or Dmitry Tursunov (32) in the 3^rd round and then Alejandro Falla and FeFe Lopez (19) in the 4^th round. A good match that might be featured is FeFe Lopez v BFG Isner (9). However, Isner is not known for his grass court prowess. I mean he has never got past the 2^nd round EVER here at Wimbledon. So Lopez might be able to sneak into the quarters.

Stan the Man at least the back of him gossiping with Maria’s clutch, Grigor

Quarter 4: Divadal (2) v Dennis the Menace Raonic (8)
Dennis the Menace should make the quarters here though it would be a nice matchup between him and Kei Nishikori (10) in the Round of 16. There is also the match of Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) v Nishikori in the 3^rd round that should be worthy of attention.

Kei gurl… oh no… this is not acceptable. Here I thought you were cute until you smiled. No no no… I’m gonna need you to do better! Definitely, you looking like Charley Horse with that smile

Dennis the Menace is thinking about doing some damage here at Wimbledon with that lethal 1st serve!

Now a lot of people have picked Divadal to win the title. I am not sure why considering his recent record on grass. However, this is Divadal and you know how he and his “magical body” do operate. So he really stands a good chance to win. Anyway, he may have to deal with Lukas Rosol again in the 2^nd round and possibly Ivo Karlovic (29) in the 3^rd round. If he can get past that, there is the fickle Frenchmen of Richard Gasquet (13) and Beetlejuice (24) in the Round of 16. A lot of people feel that this is a “Draw of Death” of Divadal but seriously, this is Divadal we are talking about. I hope he loses but I do not expect that to happen at all. He has the potential of really extending his lead as the number one player since he won no points here last year when he was defeated in the 1^st round by Steve Darcis. Djoker on the other hand got to the final.

Divadal getting his Wimbledon practice in

However, before he got to Wimbledon on his boat relaxing with “friend”. I don’t see Xisca there about. My eyes aren’t that good. Let me know if you see her. “Realz I know you send these paparazzi for me! Leave me alone!!”

This is from last year around this time

Another recent vacay… Gurl let me rub some oil on your back.

Who knew Divadal like them “thickems” Apparently not only Goldilocks checking for bears and cubs

Mr. Federer getting a nice send off from being the President of the Player’s Council! He got babies at home to take care oh. He ain’t got no time for politics. Those shoes Mr. Federer is wearing, Loro Piana. And those “simple loafers” cost at least $800USD. I wonder if he wants to adopt me

I mean look at this line up.. I mean where do I begin… or should I say who do I begin with? We can leave off Anderson (in the flip flops). Have to be a very drunk night.

I think I am hurt myself

Yeah I can see that right there on your ankle. You might want to get up and get some help. We’re busy out here right now..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

US Open 2013: Day 3

The rains ruled the day on Day 3 of the US Open 2013

So it’s raining… what to do? Get a drink

 

Oh what a day! My head is still reeling from yesterday’s events. I am not even sure how to deal fully. Venus Ebony Starr Williams, you have done it yet again. You have inexplicably pulled me into your matches and have my emotions run high. Every single time I promise myself that I would get wrapped up into your matches because I know how much I get worked up afterwards. Yet I still go all in. You know, truth be told, Venus, you are not the crackhead, it is I. I am an addict and I am addicted to you and the pain/torture of watching your matches. Needless to say fanz that Venus lost yesterday to the likes of Jie Zheng 3-6 6-2 6-7 (7). I do not care what people want to say about how Jie Zheng got to two major semifinals (Australian Open 2009 and Wimbledon 2010 if I am not mistaken) The thing is that Zheng barely makes a squeak on the WTA tour and then all of sudden she is always trying to muck up the Serenanator and Venus Williams’ plans. I think what made yesterday’s loss even more difficult was the fact that Venus kept trying to stay alive  but in the end gave away the match with two careless errors. It was bad…real bad.

 

Oh Venus… you slay me every time

 

Anyone who has followed this blog knows how much drama Venus Williams has caused Realz. On this blog forum, she has been buried, resurrected, renamed, I think shunned and at some point redeemed. It is tough being a Venus Williams fan. Very very tough. She never makes anything easy. I understand about the disease and everything, however, for her fans, what we see out on court is really a lack of effort. Maybe things might be hurting but we do not care. We want Venus to do well and to do doing well, very well. Honestly, I cannot be too mad at Venus. Actually, as I am writing this now, I am already over her lost. This is sports. Venus is a wounded animal and all her opponents know this. They already feel that they have a 65% shot of winning the match anyway and with Venus’s ability to hit errors/double faults/wayward shots in quick and repeated succession, their winning chances increase to almost 80%.

With that 6 heads of yours, you couldn’t come up with a way to win that match? SMH

However, when I get into these dark places (and I mean dark dark places in my mind. You do not know how I was going in on Venus last night in my head. I was ripping her new one; the hair, the nails, the clothes. I didn’t hold back) with Venus Williams, I go back to time when I was calmer and more rational. I remember when in 2010, she lost to Kim in the semis and my ensuing reaction to write the following. This was a year before it was announced that she had Sjogren’s Syndrome. I think much of what is being said below here still applies. And since 2010, Venus has done a lot to be proud of.

A pixie took out a giant

In Act 4, Scene 1 of the opera Aida by Giuseppe Verdi, Amneris, the Egyptian princess, is at world’s end. She has just lost her best friend Aida whose whereabouts are unknown and the man that she loves, Radames, former head of the Egyptian guards, awaits death for committing treason. Radames adamantly rejects Amneris’s offer for clemency as he refuses to renounce his love for Aida and marry Amneris. As Radames walks away in the clutches of priests to his pending execution, Amneris realized that all is lost and sinks to the ground…..She laments “Ohimè! Morir mi sento” (Oh how I feel like dying)  By Saturday evening, I almost sank to the floor of my apartment and felt very much the same way as Amneris. My pain was so great; my thoughts reverted to Italian opera verse. Roger Federer and Venus Williams, my picks to win the single titles, did not make it out of the semifinals. They both went the distance but came up short.

Venus Ebony Starr Williams has done me in once more. Yes, I have referred to her by her given name. I know not what else to do. After winning the first set 6-4, Venus was down in the second set 3-5. Mommie Dearest served for the set but was broken by the ever-resilient Venus. For those who are familiar with the Williams sisters, they know that they are made of Teflon and are the type of fighters you want on your side during a battle. They seemingly never gave up. There was joy in my heart. Venus leveled the set at 5-5 and held serve again whilst Mommie Dearest did so as well. They moved to a tiebreaker. My heart caught a fire for I know Venus is often fabulous in tiebreakers. She would never let this opportunity to close out the match in straight sets be wasted. I almost fell off the treadmill, as Venus did not win a single point on her serve. How could this be? The woman with the fastest serves on tour, double faults as if it were the object of the game.

She lost the second set. I figured that she would make it back. There was no way she would give up this opportunity easily but alas, I was wrong, as I have been all year long about Venus Williams. She lost the third set 4-6 after getting broken early in the set, breaking back to even things at 4-4 games and getting broken again. It was not so much so that she lost the match that nearly killed me but it is the fact that Venus failed to show any of the tools she had employed in her winning the previous 11 sets of tennis she played. Her serve was on, the forehand was on, she was coming to net, her second serve was not vulnerable and her deadly backhand was as solid as ever. Her killer instinct was on full displayed as she was not being rattled by the crowd or an inexplicable loose service game. Yet in the last two sets against Kim on Friday, she simply went away.  

Where is the resilience and strength of the Venus of old who saved 11 match points against Jennifer Capriati? Where is she? It was heart breaking to see Mommie Dearest be on her way for a third US Open title at the expense of Venus. EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE HAS WON THIS TITLE, VENUS HAS HAD KIM ON THE ROPES ONLY TO RELINQUISH HER HOLD. It is simply devastating to continue to watch. I tried to be brave in the end and watch the match but I almost had my chest cracked open as the 110 barbell nearly slipped out of my hand as I was bench pressing. I do not know what else to say about Venus.

This lost caused sheer panic and hysteria for Venus Williams Fans. One fan, Mr. Brown, a faithful subscriber to this publication went onto Venus Williams’ facebook page and lambasted her. He stated that she should retire, go play doubles and get a sports psychiatrist to deal with her mental crackish ways. However, I have had much time and trauma to think about the enigma that is Venus Williams and I have to say that I am now at peace with the situation. The problem is that fans of Venus Williams live vicariously through her more so than they do other tennis players. See, backing Venus Williams is not some trivial gesture or some effort to always be on the winning side but it is a wholehearted commitment. Venus Williams represents the awkwardness and triumphs of all her fans.

Here you have a 6’1” skinny black girl from the “projects” making it big. Now, this Cinderella story is hardly one that I decry but understand that the attraction to Venus Williams is not a mere love for rags to riches. See Venus is that awkward stage all of us experienced throughout school…always being teased for standing out because of physical attributes…always being told you do not measure up to the accepted standard….never fitting in…never being allowed to fit in or be included. Yet, she rose above all of that to become top tennis player, triple Olympic gold medalist, 7 time major champion, entrepreneur, fashionista, activist, and philanthropist. Venus Williams makes the case for dancing to a different beat even though others think you look stupid. And where are the boys and girls who were hating on her in the past…who knows and who cares, unless they are the one serving at the local DMV. Fans adore the manner in which Venus carries herself across the court….there is a certain strut, poise, elegance, command of attention as if to say, “I am here now…deal with it.”

For her fanz, Venus Williams is not the ultimate rags to riches story but the ultimate ugly duckling turning to the beautiful swan. (Now don’t get all technical on me saying that an ugly duckling cannot grow up to be a swan as they are two different species. I bet many of you never thought of that) This comparison can easily be applicable to Serena but somehow, one can never see Serena as ever being shy. No it is Venus who appears more vulnerable, requiring more care and thus elicits more sympathy and admiration from her fanz. In the story of the Ugly Duckling, the narrator never tells us what happens after this wonderful transfiguration (a duckling to swan is no mere transformation, it has to be a transfiguration and Professor McGonagal is in on it [Harry Potter reference])but we are left to assume that everything is happily ever after.

However, we know too well that in real life that no such thing exists. The fans of Venus Williams are experiencing the life after the transfiguration. They have come to expect sheer brilliance from the Swan each and every time she takes to the “pond.” They would accept nothing short of this for her triumphs are their triumphs and conversely, her failures are their failures. What is more devastating for her fans is the fact that Venus is apparently very complacent with her “poor performances” For the fans this is the ultimate slap in the face for they feel almost personally insulted. People lose matches everyday and it not possible for her to win every time she plays, but her fans expect nothing but victory. Never has Venus lost a match and her fans accept it as a mere lost. For them her losses are epic, disastrous and should not have happened in the first place.

Leontyne Price, the great and glorious American opera singer, once commented about her fans. She said (I am paraphrasing here) that the voice is such a unique thing, individualized to us all. It is such a wonderful thing as well that it causes certain emotions and reactions unique to each person and as such, people may claim “ownership” of sorts to another voice. So strong is this sense of ownership that people are personally affronted if “the voice” that they hold in high regard does anything which is not to their liking. It is this same sense of proprietorship that Venus Williams fanz has and it is what has driven us to sheer madness and emotional lows.

However, in retrospect, there is much to be proud about with Venus. She has been on the tour since 1994/1995 and still at the top of her game. She made it to the US Open semifinals and was very much in the thick of things without any match play since early July at Wimbledon. She has kept  her nose clean…there are no scandalous photos or tapes of Ms. Williams around…she has not been involved in any sort of drugs and despite all the injuries she has suffered, she is soldiers on for the sport of tennis. Yet we are disappointed when she does not win. She made it to the Round of 16 or better in every tournament she played this year….as a matter of fact, other than the French Open where she lost in the Round of 16, she has made the quarterfinals or better and she did it all being an old gal at 29/30. Serena, Kim, Maria, Justine, Carolina cannot make this boast. So perhaps we should not be so harsh on Venus anymore. Perhaps we need to make her life not our perspiration but our inspiration. We should not act as if it is us who is out on court working each point (I assure you watching her matches, I feel every single stroke, points won and/or lost) but use it to fuel us towards our own pursuit of excellence.

I know people talk about the fact that she has not won a major outside of Wimbledon since 2001…but Nadal has 9 majors, five of which are from the French….NO ONE GETS IN HIS FACE about that. As for Kim, all the potential she has, she has only won at the US Open and she has choked at so many majors, they are too numerous to count. Therefore, we here at RTFN would like to resurrect Venus Williams…bring her back from the dead…reinstate her true name and wish her continued success on the tour as long as she wishes to play. (I know it is mighty big of me but I tell you, I have ran out of hateration for her so I might as well show some love.)

 

Anyway, we shall move on to other news. The rain seriously affected play and this is why I think the US Open should really adopt the French Open policy of play on the 1st Sunday. This way, all 1st round matches would be wrapped up by the end of Tuesday’s play. Now today is the 4th day and ladies’ 2nd round matches yet to be completed and Men’s matches have not started. Andy Murray was slated on Ashe to play is 1st round match on Wednesday night. WTF?? Anywho, I guess we might as well deal with the other ladies matches. Of course because of the rain, most of the matches were not completed. Aga Radwanska made easy work of her opponent as did LiNaLi. The results were as followed:

Slaone Stephens was just sticking… as in breadsticking it to Urszula Radwanska… she could barely see straight

Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova (32) def. Ashleigh Barty 6-4, 6-0;
Li Na (5) def. Sofia Arvidsson 6-1, 6-1;
Carla Suarez Navarro (18) def. CoCo Vandeweghe 6-3, 6-4;
Agnieszka Radwanska (3) def. Maria-Teresa Torro-Flor 6-0, 7-5;
Laura Robson (30) def. Caroline Garcia 6-4, 7-6 (5);
Zheng Jie def. Venus Williams 6-3, 2-6, 7-6 (5).
Sloane Stephens (15) def. Urszula Radwanska 6-1 6-1

LiNaLi is looking quite confident at these championships

On the men’s side, I think all of the 1st round matches were completed. There were no real surprises were for that matter expect I guess from two Americans. That Rajeev Ram (who I think is perhaps one of the most unprettiest man on tour….I am not being a real hater here) beat Fabio Fognini, the 16th seed, in straight sets and in such a convincing manner was totally unexpected. It was a breadstick and two two-piece meals. The other American was James Blake. Now James Blake is set to retire after this US Open. To be honest, I have not always been a great fan of his. I met him once and thought he was kinda cocky and rather cold. That is okay. However, the thing was that his on court antics were very much brattish at times. I know he has been plagued with injuries but for the most part, he, I felt, was very lazy. He became that typical American male player with that sense of unjustified entitlement. He had a lot to learn if he wanted to really succeed and he learnt very little. Also he grew up in a tennis era when the likes of Mr. Federer, Divadal, Djoker and Lochness Monster are/were at their peak.  So he is not the only player who has not had major success. Anyway, James was up 2 sets on Ivo Karlovic and then lost the match. WTF? WTMFF?? In the final two sets, they played tiebreakers and James only won 4 points altogether. Come on James!!

Goodbye James, I am not sure if you would be missed. Meanwhile, Mary-Jo what the hell are you wearing?

Meanwhile, 3rd seed Lochness Monster knocked out Michael Llodra 6-2 6-4 6-3 and begins his title defense. In other results:

Marcos Baghdatis def. Go Soeda 6-4, 6-3, 6-1;
Alexandr Dolgopolov def. David Goffin 6-2, 6-4, 6-4;
Kevin Anderson (17) def. Daniel Brands 7-5, 4-6, 6-2, 6-3;
Mikhail Youzhny (21) def. Nicolas Mahut 6-4, 6-4, 7-6 (4);
Somdev Devvarman def. Lukas Lacko 4-6, 6-1, 6-2, 4-6, 6-4;
Tim Smyczek def. James Duckworth 3-6, 6-2, 6-4, 6-1;
Andreas Seppi (20) def. Xavier Malisse 6-3, 3-6, 7-5, 7-5;
Peter Gojowczyk def. Igor Sijsling 7-6 (7), 2-6, 6-4, 6-1;
Juan Martin del Potro (6) def. Guillermo Garcia-Lopez 6-3, 6-7 (5), 6-4, 7-6 (7);
Lleyton Hewitt def. Brian Baker 6-3, 4-6, 6-3, 6-4;
Stanislas Wawrinka (9) def. Radek Stepanek 7-6 (2), 6-3, 6-2;
Evgeny Donskoy def. Jurgen Melzer (29) 7-5, 6-3, 7-6 (3);
Leonardo Mayer def. Victor Hanescu 7-6 (4), 6-4, 3-6, 7-6 (4);
Marcel Granollers def. Jurgen Zopp 6-1, 3-6, 1-6, 6-3, 6-4;
Rajeev Ram def. Fabio Fognini (16) 6-1, 6-2, 6-2.

Juan Martin Del Potro is my dark horse to win this if Mr. Federer cannot

Look who is back and lurking around in these parts… Marcos Fatdatis

As I look out the window right now, the sky is overcasted with those grey smoggy looking clouds so I am not sure how much play might get on its way today. Anyway, I hope you all have enjoyed this entry. Do not forget to COMMENT PLEASE (Good, bad and ugly. Just not offensive/racist/illogical) and SPREAD the word.

Utter nonsense!

I do not understand why the USTA do not invest in tarp to cover the courts when it rains. I mean this is ridiculous. It will cut down the drying time significantly and get play on its way quicker

Oh lookie, it’s Lochness Monster. The tennis bag looks cool. (I am trying to accentuate his positives)

What did you say Judy? I said stop hogging the camera you gold digging trifling tart.

I think Dani’ Lochness Monster’s hitting partner is kinda cute and he can definitely get it BUT it won’t work out because I do not like his employer

Can we just look at this one more time? I mean I swear this skirt is a one of Red Foo’s boxers that she removed the crotch.

Yes, go up further…the cramp is definitely further up…. yeahhhhhh that feels real nice.

 

French Open 2013: Jour 3

The rains were most definitely not in Spain today!

Day 3 of the 2013 French Open was seriously hampered by the rains. The heavens poured out its tears and delayed the start of play by nearly 3 hours and then later lead to another suspension of play for a time being. This led to a serious hampering of play for the day. Of the 40 slated singles matches, only 26 were completed. Three additional matches were suspended after poor lighting. Officials out right cancelled several matches so that players avoid hanging around the courts in vain. Maria Krazilenko asked via Twitter, whether she was Wimbledon after her match was cancelled. See it definitely makes sense to play on the 1^st Sunday. Nonetheless, it means that on Day 4, there will 42 singles matches to be played of which 14 will be 1^st round encounters to be completed plus doubles actions. Hopefully most of these are all completed by the end of the day.

It’s like at every major, there is a contest to see who can be the most ridiculous at drying the courts!

Of the matches that were completed, there were dramatics that could only be produced at majors.

On the ladies’ side

Marion Bartoli (13) found herself up against Belarussian (I think) Olga Govortsova and for much of the match, Bartoli’s play was being outmatched by her opponent. In fact, in all three sets that were played, Olga served for each set. However, experience at this level at the sport counts for much. Thus Bartoli came through in the end 7-6 4-6 7-5. Bartoli as always did not look pretty doing it and at the end, she was up against the rope to close out the match but she held strong to give her country yet another dramatic match to cheer about. I have to say though that there was more choking in this match than some bad snuff porn film. It was as though neither player wanted to win and serving for a true advantage led to the server forgetting how to play.

Look at this, and black is suppose to be slimming

While we are on the subject of Bartoli aka Fatoli aka La petite grosse, I am going to say it, she looks fat ie fatter than usual or perhaps whatever weight she had lost recently, she gained back with a vengeance. There was a rumour that she is not working with her father anymore but I am sure he is still the master of this design. A fanz recently posted a video of Bartoli training at the US Open last year. Words fail to accurately describe what is going on in the video. It is like you are watching some spoof for training only that you know it is real….it is very real. I do not understand what the game plan is for Dr. Bartoli and Marion but I am going to say that it is not working. There is a reason why Marion has not really made it big on tour and fails to be consistent and that is her physical fitness.

I do not know whether her status as the top French woman is due to her “talent” or the lack of true talent amongst the other French ladies. Do not mistake me, Marion can play tennis and from her results, she can play at the top level. However, I have said this before, looking at Marion play tennis, is like watching Bizarro in action against Superman. Added to that, there always seem to be some crazy internal struggle going on in her head and not just the normal tennis demons. Marion never looks comfortable on court. As a matter of fact, she just never looks comfortable at all in any arena I have seen her. Truth be told she reminds me so much of Tina Belcher of Bob’s Burger; that awkward adolescent girl still trying to come to terms with her body, mind and the world. Anyway, I have spent too much time on this subject. However, I welcome feedback on the intriguing subject that is Marion Bartoli.

Tina Belcher aka Marion Bartoli

D’Stove is going hard today! Look at those biceps!!

Speaking of French ladies, Alize Cornet (31) won a match and did so convincingly too at that; 7-5 6-2. I very much expected her to fold like a cheap tent but she held strong. Congrats Alize! Sam D’Stove Stosur came out strong and hard against Granny Goodness Date-Krumm, beating her 6-0 6-2. It almost looked at one point that the Aussie was going to knock her Japanese opponent out of the tournament love and love but Granny had to pee and returned to court light enough to win those two games. Good of her to save face like that. There is much to admire about Krumm out here on tour doing it at 40+, which makes it impossible for me to understand, what hell is going on with many of these younger players who are just struggling for dear life.

Fivehead Jungle Witch Jankovic

The Fivehead Jungle Witch match up against Daniela Hantuchova was pitiful. I wish I knew what was going on in Daniela’s life because she can be constant source of disappointment. She dropped the 1^st set 4-6 but homegurl was up 5-0 in the 2^nd and then blew that lead like a $5 hooker at the point. It was ridiculous. I mean granted that Fivehead is no slouch but I mean seriously, Daniela gurl WTF? You served for it like twice and got broken and in the tiebreaker, you failed to understand the urgency of the matter. It would have been so much better if you lost the match in 3 sets and do not dare blame the rain for your suckiness. You really need to get your life together. Fivehead JW 6-4 7-6

Such a pretty face but at times I wonder if it is not just space in all your grace

16^th seed Dominika Cibuttkova won her match quite comfortably 6-1 6-4 but the two Americans ladies who got to play, Coco Vendeweghe and Laura/Lauren Davis both lost respectively to Yaroslava Shvedova and Kristina Mladenovic of France.

Jelena watching her man play.

On the men’s side: Djoker Harlequeen (1) had a not so easy time against David Goffin of Belgium 7-6 6-4 7-5. Djoker seem to be in conserving energy kinda more. He is the type of player who extends only the amount of energy necessary to get the job done. He does not have to blitz a guy to prove a point and his apparent weakness or aliment is usually not a true indicator of how well he can play at that moment. I mean after all, he comes from the Serbian School of On Court Trickery and HighJinx. (No disrespect to Serbia/Serbians but you all know that your players can fake an injury in 2 seconds flat. I am sure Serbian players hold the record for calling trainers on court.) Anyway, he is through as is 12^th seed Tommy Haas who ended Guillaume Rufin’s hopes of some magical run at home. It is Haas who is actually having a magical run this year. The German is 34/35 and still very competitive on tour. 9^th seed Stan Wawrinka is also through to the 2^nd round as are Nikolay Davydenko, Tabasco Verdasco, 26^th seed Mr. Shriekapova Dimitrov (26), 29^th seed Mikhail Youhzny, 16^th seed Philip Kohlschreiber and Jack Sock (the lone American to win today).

You’re not going to have me out here wasting my time like you did Mr. Federer last year. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

By way of upset, Bernard Tomic lost to Victor Hanescu by virtue of his retirement but truth be told, he was losing. I do not think I have mentioned this before but Tampomic’s father has been banned from the tour (can’t even be a spectator) after he was charged with assaulting Bernardo’s hitting partner. Like seriously Daddy Douche, WTF? 22^nd seed Alexandr Dolgopolov aka Boywholookslikeagirlwholookslikeaboy (BWLLAGWLLAB) lost to Dmitri Tursunov. This match surprised me in the fact that Dolgopolov folded so easily. Make no mistake, I knew he was going to lose this match but I figured he would have delayed the inevitable by doing so in 5 sets but I guess Tursunov had better things to do with myself. Good of him. I think we can safely say now that Dolgopolov is not going to turn into that massive force on tour despite the huge well of potential that he has. He is just going to be a body in the corps de ballet waving that bush around in the background. Meanwhile, our attention is focused on the display of brilliance from other more mentally fortified players. He really needs to get his shite together. The 28^th seed, Florian Mayer got bounced by Denis Istomin in straight sets.

Yes Mr. Goffin aka Frodo Baggins, even I too am perplexed as to why you are only capable of showing your tennis prowess at the French Open but suck all year long

Well folks, Day 4 promises to be action packed as nearly everyone and their grandmother will be playing for a spot in the next round. See y’all tomorrow. Don’t forget to spread word around about RealzTenisFanz. I would really appreciate more followers on Twitter, likes on Facebooks and readership and comments on the Blog. THANKS. You know all of this is for you my fanz.

REALZ PHOTO BAG

The Hotties

Maxime Teixeira of France… HOTNESS

Tabasco Verdasco though a douche, is always worth a taste

Beautiful Benoit Paire… I mean he is even part of the food group. Nothing better than starting off your morning with some paire.

What a lovely juicy Paire!!

Delicious Dimitrov, although he is allegedly taken… we can still admire

Well well well.. Marcos Baghdatis ain’t Fatdatis anymore… showing off that nice flat stomach with a treasure trail to gold

Oh Mon Cher Brands is always worth a second look….

The Notties

I am not sure which is uglier, the outfit or him?

Bartoli, you need to get your life together as well as get in shape

Seriously, he’s pregnant!

MIXED BAG

Sweetie, we don’t that in mixed company

Umpire let!! Some fcuker just farted! Folks lay off the cheese

There is a disturbing fashion trend amongst the ladies these days: Long tights under mini skirts! I have seen Vickie in this get up and even tennis fashion icon, Venus Williams sports this attire from time to time. Ladies STOP IT!! It’s not cute. Either you wear the skirt and a short tight or just the tights. I mean just look at these messes below.

Okay listen Tampomic, we about to remove your brain and your mouth from your @$$. Hopefully, this procedure stops you from becoming an even bigger douche in life

Miss, I do not know who you are but you have achieved the near impossible of looking like a girl creep

I don’t care what you say about it being some logo for high-end brand, that’s a frigging crocodile and birds don’t fcuk with crocodiles.

I am just going to take a picture with my iphone and tweet how the ump is just crazy with these line calls. Retweet if you see that it’s in

French Open 2013: Jour 2

On Day 2 of action at the French Open, no real huge upset took place amongst the ladies in contention.
6th seed LiNaLi took out Spanish Anabel Medina-Garrigues in straight sets 6-3 6-4. The Spaniard could have been a tough customer as she took a bagel set off the Serenanator several weeks ago in Madrid. However, clearly that was due to a drop in form from the American more so than the Spaniard being that good.

Trying to find her 2011 French Open form again is LiNaLi

4th seed Bratzwanska will join her sister in the 2nd round as she quite quickly destroyed Shahar Peer of Israel with 2 breadsticks 6-1 6-1. Peer has most definitely lost her way in this sport of tennis and it would do well for her to find her form again and find it real soon. Meanwhile, Bratzwanska, no stranger to fashion faux-pas decided that blondes have more fun and coloured her hair. I do not know what inspired this change but I wish she will soon be inspired to change it back. It is not a cute look. Accept that you are not the prettier sister and just work on your game.

It was definitely a dumb move to be blond Bratzwanska

10th seed Wozniacki aka Danish Biscuit aka Mrs. Mcilroy came into the French Open riding high on a 6 match losing streak. She has not won a single match all clay court season. By right, she can take the retirement from Andreas Petkovic in Charleston as a win though no actual point was played. Petkovic pulled out before the start of the match. Nonetheless she has not been her usual self as of late and to add more fuel to the fire, she has finally decided yet again to part ways with daddy Piotr as coach. Let us see how long this will last. However, in the immediacy, she finally won a match. So there might be hope for her after all. Anyway, Woz was playing a very dangerous player in the form of Laura Robson of Great Britain. However, Danish Biscuit had something to prove and she simply crushed Robson 6-3 6-2. No place like the present at a major to find your form and win matches.

Considering a lot of the nonsense Danish Biscuit has worn throughout the ages, it is really tough for me to say that this outfit is the ugliest. Why is Stella still designing??

Gosh to be sucking more than Danish Biscuit must really sucks!

2nd seed Shriekapova was her usual early-in-a-major-dominant-self, surrendering only 3 games to her opponent. We are never worried about Shriekapova getting to the 2nd week of a major. The issue is always her ability to come up with an effective game plan against a quality opponent whilst in the latter rounds. Nonetheless, for now, she will move on comfortably. Other notable players through to the 2nd round are 15th seed Roberta Vinci, 8th seed Carebear Kerber who dispatched her compatriot Moaning Mona Barthel, 2010 French Open winner Francesco Schiabone, 20th seed Carlo Suarez-Navarro, Serbian Bojana Jovanovski (I heart her) and Kuzi-Rex knocked out the 22nd seed and fellow Russian Makarova. This does not really count as an upset since Kuzi is the far more talented of the two and 2009 French Open champ.

Thanks for coming gurl. The exit is left and you can pick up the loser cheque on your way out!

17th seed Sloane Stephens is also through to the 2nd round and will be joined fellow Americans 29th seed Varvarne Lepchenko, Vania King (Saw Clown) Melanie Oudin (yes that Melanie), Bethanie Mattek-Sands and Madison Keys. Christina McHale lost to some girl I do not even know. She was the only American playing that did not go through today. Pretty impressive from the American girls. The lone upset on the ladies side had to come from Julia Georges, the 24th seed. She got bounced in straight sets 6-7 0-6 by a qualifier, Zuzana Kucova. I do not know what to say about Georges. Others will say it is physical injuries hampering her game but I would say, it is more likely brain damage. She is just another case of those young guns on tour just shooting blanks.

Sloane is being more tight lipped these days after her verbal diarrhea attack against the Serenanator

Divadal almost got pegged in the 1st round

Things were far more interesting on the men’s side today than on the ladies. I have to say that so far after 2 days of play at the French, I have enjoyed quite a number of matches far more so than usual. Anyway, I digress. Divadal found himself facing a possible 2 set to love deficit at the hands of my baby Daniel Brands of Germany. Brands is not a particularly super talented player. However, he can be quite spectacular if he plays his game and did he ever today. That forehand of his was absolutely SEXY and he was beating Divadal for pace and down the line with that shot. Brands took the 1st set 6-4 and was up 3-1 in the 2nd set tiebreaker. However, he got a bit ahead of himself and Divadal finally decided to hit the panic/escape button in this nightmare of a match he was having. He wrested control of the match, snatching the tiebreaker then breaking Brands at the beginning of both 3rd and 4th sets to claim victory and begin his walk home to his 8th French Open crown. Lord Clay Divadal 4-6 7-6 6-4 6-3.

You’re so beautiful Daniel! I know but we’re not a match

Wildcard entrant Gael Monfils upset Tomas Berdych 5th seed in 5 sets. I mean seriously this is not really an upset of sorts but Monfils is coming off a long layoff from the game. However, he was really magnificent against the Czech. Monfils aka Beetlejuice in these parts has been known to be a regular wild card on the court. He was an impressive junior (almost won the grand slam of junior titles but injury finished him off at the US Open). Beetlejuice has been one of the few junior players as of late to transition from boys to men quite seamlessly. The issue with him though is that he always seemed to be about theatrics and actual tactic on the court. However, some time ago at the Australian Open if I am not mistaken when he was injured and played against Mikhail Kukushkin, Beetle showed a level of maturity I thought I would never see from him. He fought so bravely in that match and despite losing it, he gave it his all. He impressed me on that day and today, he went even further. It was a quality match between the two with some spectacular shots and wonderful plays.

Beetlejuice showing heart. However, we have no idea WTF he’s wearing. I don’t know if it is an ugly sweater or a hideous shirt. But for once we can say, his hair is looking really nice!! BTW, you got dropped by NewBalance? Really? Things were that bad out there in the wilderness of injury?

Nonetheless, Berdych acted as though Monfils owed him the match and refused to seize the money. He got ahead of himself and got broken in the 5th set to have Monfils serve out the match. Monfils served extremely well, being broken once. I know the French are all ecstatic with win because no one energizes them like Monfils. But the French need to be checked because Monfils is not winning this thing. It was a good/excellent win but let us not get crazy now. He just beat Berdych okay and to be quite frank, knowing Berdshite like I do, he can lose to anyone like that; not to take anything away from the Frenchman. Monfils 7-6 6-4 6-7 6-7 7-5

H&M is your endorsement deal? WTF is going on in the world today? Is this a sign of the harsh economic times. You are working with European K-Mart. The ATP should have some kinda quality control about these kinda things.

6th seed Tsonga won his match quite easily as did his countryman Richard Gasquet (7). They went through to the 2nd round as did Julian Benneteau (30) who looked to have lost the plot at one point after being up 2 sets to love and 5-1 I think in the 3rd but he got it together late in the 4th set, taking it in the breaker. Jarko Nieminen of Finland halted the French wave by knocking out Paul-Henri Mathieu in 5 sets. 11th seed Nicolas Almagro won his match in 4 sets (This Spaniard might need an intervention soon because I think he is hanging out with Tabasco Verdasco too much as of late). Ernest Gulbis also won and will face Monfils in the 2nd round. Up and coming Jerszy Janowicz (21) also won as did Lukas Rosol (last man to beat Divadal at a major). Other winners include 32nd seed Tommy Robredo (on the comeback tour) and 27th seed Fabio Fognini (that hot Italian sausage). Marin Chin Cilic (10) and Kei Nishikori (13) will be in the 2nd round as will John Isner aka BFG and fellow American Ryan Harrison.

Is Tsonga also working as a ball boy at these championships?

By way of upsets we have Juan Monaco, the 17th seed who cannot seem to get his tennis life together much these days. Mr. Divadal Ex was up 2 sets to love but then decided that winning the match might not be what he wanted to do right that instance. I guess as his opponent was Spaniard, Daniel Gimeno-Traver, he was having some kinda of Divadal flashback because he clearly checked out. Spanish boys seem to be his kryptonite. Juanito boo, get your shite together! It is over between you and Divadal. You knew that he was not going to commit to you and shave his beard. It hurts but let that go and move on. Let me tell you, the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else. And my name is Someone Else okay! I can deal with leftovers if you are what is being microwaved. I’m just saying okay.

Daniel Gimeno-Traver got Monaco’s head all wrapped up. I mean he is not an ugly guy, albeit better looking than Divadal but there are certainly hotter Spanish men out there.

In other news, an Aussie youngster Nick Kyrgios took out Shark Boy Radek Stepanek in straight sets all in tiebreaker. Now that is remarkable from the 18-year-old especially against a veteran solid player like Stepanek. American Rhyne Williams lost in the 3rd and final stage of qualifying to get into the main draw of the French Open. However, due to a late withdrawal, he was entered as a “Lucky Loser” into the draw. Funny thing was that he was not so lucky as he would be facing the same guy who beat in the qualies and he would lose to him again. I am sorry Rhyne but the upside is that you still get a decent cheque for losing in the 1st round of main draw but get jack shite for losing in the qualies at any stage.

Djoker vs Goffin

Anyway, that is about it for major happenings on Day 2 at the French Open. Day 3 will see the conclusion of all the 1st round matches. Djoker Harlequeen (1) will begin his assault for claiming his 1st French Open title as does Vickie. Both may have tough customers on their hands by way of David Goffin of Belgium (almost stretched Mr. Federer to the limit last year at the French) and the Russian Elena Vesnina (knocked Venus out of 1st round of Wimbledon). However, I am not worried about either player. Petra Kvitova aka GHW (Grand High Witch) that enigma of anomalies will also play. No one is entirely sure which Petra will show up on court tomorrow, not even Petra. So watch out for that match against Rezai, there might be an upset there. The only comfort Petra can have is that Rezai is capable of playing worse even when her opponent is clearly struggling. Sam D’Stove Stosur (9), 2010 French Open finalist will also open her campaign tomorrow as do Delicious Dimitrov, Stan Wawrinka (9) who is battling injury, Tabasco Verdasco, Fatoli Bartoli (13) and Tommy Haas (12). I do not see much of an upset happening tomorrow though I do think that Nicolas Mahut will beat Douchsarevic in 4-5 sets. Also one has to wonder about the rains in Paris as we have had two lovely days of play so far.

REALZ MIXED BAG PHOTOS

The Hotties

Jerzy Hotness in full effect

Ah mon Cher Brandy. Poetry in Motion

Petzschner is definitely trending in my mind right

Oh Robin Haase…the hot flying Dutchman. I’ll set sail with you any day…

Fognini got me seeing all cloudy right now and I am close to precipitating all over the place. Way too much condensation for one man!

The Notties

Beetlejuice was playing so beautiful yesterday that I forgot how unpretty he is. But then I saw this and it’s All coming back to me now!

Melanie Oudin what’s going on gurl? You are dressed like a butternut squash while looking like a cabbage patch doll!

The Feminine Mystique? Someone get this girl some ribbons or something quick. I mean seriously, why does Carlo look like this? Though I have to say that the colour looks really nice on her.

Kuzi-Rex WTF is this shite? I would have said it was impossible before but you are wearing a nursery rhyme.

I saw this picture of Kuzi-Rex at Elena Dementieva’s wedding and I had to share it. I do not even know where to begin but Kuzi is really giving Big Gurl Butch/Fem Queen Realness all in one! The SHOES! The DRESS! The HAIR! SMH

Other Realz Shots

I think hers is bigger than yours Divadal

Carebear Kerber is so pumped up and so is her —-!!!

French Open 2013: Le Prévu

The French Open is set to begin tomorrow or today depending on when I post this entry. The French is the only major tournament that sees the wisdom of starting the major on a Sunday instead of the Monday considering the frequency of “epicness” of the men’s. Anyway, another major is upon us and all the usual suspects are involved with the lone exception of Lochness Monster aka Andy Murray. I know for my part, he will not really be missed and truth be told, he was not a factor here.

You know, every major I get very excited thinking about the event and how it will be so epic but as I sit to write the preview posts, I always feel less enthusiastic about the matter. It is like being in the club and seeing that hot specimen across the dance floor and then the bright light hits and you realize that you have been sweating after a troll. No bueno! Look I am not saying that the majors are a buzz kill but we know that on the men’s side, it would be same people in the final with an almost guaranteed Divadal victory much to my chagrin and on the ladies well… I am not sure what to say about the ladies but it is usually a chokefest. To be honest, I was not feeling last year’s final and not because I am not a Shriekapova fan. It was really and truly very dull and not to mention that the red hot Serenanator went up in flames in the 1^st round. Anyway let us not forecast bad weather for this one because nothing is guaranteed especially in the world of sports.

Anyway the draw came out on Friday and the most noticeable thing is that the French Federation stuck to the current ATP/WTA rankings instead of fiddling around with it to place players above their current status. On the ladies side this does not matter much but on the men’s side, the real issue is that Divadal was ranked 3rd not that it matters to any real significant degree. I mean he is a clay god and gods prove themselves through action not words nor rankings. There is absolutely no use denying it. The man simply resonates power on the stuff. There is a sense of pending destruction when he comes on the clay court because really and truly, he can destroy the entire field. He determines the score line and there is very little his opponents can do other than work hard to avoid the bagel or breadstick. His only challenge is Djoker Harlequeen and unfortunately for some, they are on the same side of the draw, projected to meet in the semi-finals. In other words it will be no repeat of last year’s final. Good because even that too was anticlimatic. So we are promised a good final.

Men’s Draw

–          In Djoker’s quarter, he could face his countryman Douchserivic in the quarterfinals if seeds hold true to form but I doubt Douchy is getting that far. Interestingly enough, Djoker starts off his campaign for his career slam and possibly true grand slam as he is the 2013 Aussie Open champ, against David Goffin that Frodo looking Belgian who gave Mr. Federer so much trouble in the 4^th round I think in last year’s French. Djoker could face Delicious Dimitrov, allegedly Maria’s boyfriend in the 3^rd round. Dimitrov knocked Djoker out of Madrid this season. Also lurking in this quarter are BFG Isner, Tabasco Verdasco and Mikhail Youzhny. However, none of these players are in anywhere near fit to take on the Djuggernaut that is Djoker Harlequeen. He is hungry for this title and is very tight lipped and focused about his game. He refuses to talk about the draw and is taking a Serenanator approach to the major; you look only at your current match and forget who is still in the draw. Djoker is ready like Freddy for this and he is going all out.

–          In Divadal’s quarter, he starts off his campaign against my hubby Daniel Brands. I mean seriously,  the tennis gods can be so unkind. Brands would be slaughtered like a kitten caged with a tigress but I will be there for the récupération avec mon amour. Divadal could face Gasquet in the quarters if both play to form and quite possibly, Divadal will have to take on the last man to beat him at a major, Lukas Rosol in the 3^rd round. I think the ATP better put the mercy rule in effect for this match because I know Divadal will be brutality mood if this match up comes to fruition. He will be going for a golden set (not dropping a single point in the set, 24 consecutive points).

–          This is Ferrer’s quarter and not much going on in here other than it is basically the land of the Giants. Monfils aka Beetlejuice, Ernest Gulbis who almost took out Divadal in Rome, Berdshite and Raonic all running around in this section. They are all tremendous athletic specimen but none of them has actually done the improbable and truly find their game when it really counts. Ferrer knows the clay courts better than all of them combined and though he cannot overpower them, he can out maneuver them, which on clay is the name of the game.  

I gotta stretch more in my old age

–          Mr. Federer is in the bottom half of the draw and could be facing a lot of Frenchmen who have all been problematic for him in the past and recent times. Simon, Benneteau and Tsonga. Divadal’s ex Juan Monaco is also around but truth be told none of these players including Mr. Federer himself has shown much of much this season. Juan Monaco is still recovering from the fact that Divadal decided to grow back his beard. Almost destroyed the man since things looked so good during the off season. Anyway I digress. Nonetheless, we cannot discount Mr. Federer as he is a major player and he should be good enough to get to the quarters/semis at the very least if all goes well. –     

Gurlfriend it’s fine. You can come here anytime you want. I own this place.

 

   Interesting 1^st round match ups

o   Benoit vs Bagdatis

o   Beetlejuice vs Berdshite

o   Blake vs Troicki (where the winner will still be a loser)

o   Simon vs Hewitt

Could you stop looking at my bald spot? I am working on it and so is Rogaine. Now mind your business.

–          My pick for the winner: Smart money will always be Divadal. He is 6 for 7 at these championships and has made all 7 finals of the 7 tournaments he has played losing 2 titles since his return this year. If there is an upset brewing, it will be Djoker. Mr. Federer 2013 French Open champ? Unlikely but you know I will be all for this. I will always be on the Mr. Federer’s bandwagon. But the real truth of the matter is that he has to hope for a Divadal defeat to stand a chance. I watched that Roma final couple of weeks ago and I am telling you, Rome hasn’t seen that kinda massacre since the assassination of Julius Ceasar. It was brutal. Roger barely escaped with his life. I’m keeping it real here, he does not stand a chance especially since he doesn’t employ my strategy see previous post. But I will support him to the end.

Mr. Federer, what happened in the Roma final? Well what had happen was….I have no recollection of this incident you speak of.

LADIES’ DRAW

And that’s why I am the only itch!!

–  Well this clay court season, it has been all about the Serenanator as it was last year. Ho, this year, the American went even further. She has not lost a match since January in Aussie Open quarter-finals. Wait, she lost the Doha final to Vickie in 3 sets. But she picked up Miami, Charleston, Madrid and Rome to find herself the overwhelming favourite for this major clay court title. Whether it be green, red or use to be blue clay, the American is a hurricane on the court, blowing away all opponents in convincing fashion. She was in similar form last year only to be bounced out of Paris by the unlikely Virginie Razzano. She didn’t even win her mixed doubles match. However, something tells me that history is not likely to repeat itself this year. Carebear Kerber is in this section of the draw but really and truly, I think the Kerber star is fading. She is a good player but that serve is huge liability especially on clay. The Germany will face her compatriot Moaning Mona Barthel in the 1st round and that might be her undoing if Mona plays to potential. Kuzi-Rex is floating around here and can be a dangerous opponent but she is just so inconsistent and injured these days. Vinci is also around and she might just prove to be the Italiana to find herself in a 4th consecutive French Open ladies final. Danish Biscuit is also mucking about the place but this cookie has not won a single match on clay this season I think. She is 0-5.

If tennis does not work out for me, I’ll be Rory’s bag lady. Plus I get to keep an eye on my man…Ain’t none of those leftover Tiger itches be getting at my man.

–          Bratzwanska is in bottom quarter of the top half section and starts off against Shahar Peer who has most certainly lost her way in tennis. Venus Williams is also in this section but with an ailing back plus her syndrome and horrid serve, I think she might get bounced in the 2nd round. I say she takes out Urszula Radwanska in the 1st round. Errani will face Bratzwanska if seeds hold true to form but neither of these players has looked in top form as of late.  Ivanovic the Terrible, Losicki, Lady Hobbit Navarro and Julia Georges are also in this section.

–          Vickie is in the bottom half and may have to face LiNaLi in the quarters if they play well. Vickie is not the best clay court player but she is not the worst and should make it through to the quarters. However, Fatoli and Krazilenko might have something to say to this. Young British hopeful Heather Watson is in this part of the draw and could win a couple of rounds if she is smart about it.

–          Kvitova aka Grand High Witch aka GHW is in the bottom quarter along with Shriekapova. Kvitova faces Rezai in the 1st round and knowing how crazy the Czech can be, she might very well lose to the Frenchwoman in spectacular fashion. Fivehead Jankovic will take on Daniella Hantuchova in the 1st round and I am sure it will be a mess of a match. That should be interesting though. Nonetheless, I see Shriekapova screaming her way to the quarters at the very least. She intends to defend her improbable 2012 French Open title and truly she has been the 2nd best clay court player of this season. Chances are if she gets to the final and meet the Serenanator, she will be destroyed but the Russian is not one to waste a golden opportunity. Last year, all her greatest threats were out before the semis and she easily snagged herself the French crown. So the other ladies with designs on this crowd in mind best beware that Shriekapova came here to fight and she will cut a itch.

Let me put my hair in a ponytail. Where’s my Vaseline? I’m ready for these itches not named Serenanator

–          My pick is definitely the Serenanator who if she can battle her demons and put the madness of her being some kinda dropshot specialist out of her mind, she will have her 2nd French title; 11 years since her 1st one in 2002. Of course in my dreams, I see Ebony Starr winning this title. I can deal with a semi-finals appearance but losing to the Serenanator. The Serenanator worked very hard this year for this title and truly deserves it. However, majors are not charities. You want one, you have to win one and there is nothing the Serenanator loves doing but winning.

HOTNESS

I think he is finally over Divadal

So this concludes our first edition for the 2013 French Open coverage. Play begins on Sunday and not Monday and the French Tennis Federation has packed the day with the William sisters, Simon, Hewitt, Mr. Federer, Ivanovic the Terrible and Ferrer are all slated to play on the 1st Sunday.

Wimbledon 2012: The epic 4th Day

Gurl, Centre Court was on fire! I was having volcano flashes up in there

Had they told me before the match begun, I would have called them a liar, a fool and a down right tennis dunce. However, like we always say here at RealzTenisFanz, the game is won and lost on the field and not on paper. That Lukas Rosol had even a sliver of a chance to beat Lord Clay Divadal (I think I rather call him Lord Clay Divadal instead of Lord Dirt Divadal) was improbable if not impossible. Nonetheless, anyone who bet on Rosol yesterday, though initially seen as a mad man, he left the evening a very rich man. This was the 2^nd round of Wimbledon and Divadal is not going to be in the 3^rd round as Lukas Rosol simply dismantled him on the court 6-7 6-4 6-4 2-6 6-4. Yes it was 5 sets but nothing about that match was a contest for Divadal. Rosol had a game plan and he executed it to perfection. This is monumental, this was an epic match and instantly will become a classic for the ages. Hard to imagine that one of the top 4 and even more surprising, the top 2 will not be in the 2^nd week of a major. Rosol, ranked 100^th, came onto Centre Court to face a tennis god but showed that he was a titan. His nerves were steely, his forehand rock solid and that serve, it was simply a precious gem. Divadal had never been treated with such disrespect in his life. At no point in the match did it occur to Rosol to lay down and die as so many men on tour are apt to do when facing one of the Fourhorse Men of Apocalypse. To be fair though, the top 4 are really that good.

This is not happening right now! When I count to 3, I am going to disappear!

In the 1^st set, Divadal broke early to go up 3-2 but Rosol broke back immediately and perhaps then, we knew the Czech meant business. They held serve to go into a tiebreaker, which in and of itself was epic but Divadal was able to close it out 11-9 and bag the 1^st set. One felt like this was going to turn into another Thomaz Bellucci match where the player has a good start but cannot sustain the momentum and then gets whitewashed.

In your face mofo!!

However, Rosol broke Divadal at love in the very first game back as Divadal double faulted on break point. Rosol would hold serve for the rest of the set NEVER facing break point taking it 6-4. What is remarkable is the fact that he did a similar thing in the 3^rd set; break early and hold serve  to close out the set 6-4. Divadal never had a break point…I doubt he even got any games to deuce. Fans at home watching or following on twitter or even following on RealzTenisFanz facebook page were at a standstill. I mean the Lochness Monster vs Ivo the Giant provided a lot of tension and drama already added to that that there were several other men’s matches that were proving to be watch worthy because NO ONE imagined that Rosol could really pull this off. Beat Lord Clay Divadal, 2 time Wimbledon champ in the 2^nd round? NEVER. Divadal was mad, she was angry, she damn near had a BF (bitch fit) on court. Who the fcuk do you think you are Rosol? She rolled on the ground, she complained to the chair umpire that Rosol was being noisy and making distracting movements.

She was a hot mess out there. Divadal you flexible! Gurl, we do not carry on like this on Centre Court. Look at that face….you know them legs be up like antennas when Mrs. Monadal comes around!

There is a pain, in my brain…why won’t it rain because I am going down the drain

She gritted and grunted…she even bumped into Rosol a la Irina Spirlea at the 97 US Open versus our own Russ Troll Venus Williams and we all know how that ended. Ebony Starr crushed that skank and moved on to her 1^st US Open final. Divadal was losing dirty. No bueno for a Lady of your standing Divadal. No muy bueno. Nevertheless, in the end, Divadal was down 2-1 sets and she had to get it to a 5 setters in order to move on. I think what was even more disastrous in her mind was the fact that she almost lost in straight sets. But Divadal is a Dragon and is not easily slayed.

I’m sorry…Bitch!
Spanish Skank!

In the 4^th set, Divadal was on fire. Snapped popped and crackled her way to break Rosol 2 times, something he had not done since the 1^st set. She had the 4^th 6-2 and they play in the 5^th. And then, the organizers decided to close the roof and put the Diva in a box. Oh no…no no no no no….. the diva got mad but she dared not get bad because men are walking a very thin line right about now because of silly Nalbandian’s crazy behaviour couple of weeks ago. She had to simmer and stew out there as there was a near half an hour delay to close the roof and get the AC on…you know how Europeans are kinda anti anti-perspirant. I jest! I jest! Anyway, it would have been hotter than a mofo up in there so they had to get the air on. Divadal was not liking that. Anyway, they got things on the way again. I sat with bated breath because I thought for sure, the Divadal Dragon was going to take the nuclear option and just blaze his way through to the end.

Divadal the Dragon rose up

However, it was not to be. Rosol went back to the original scripts of the 2^nd and 3^rd set; break Divadal early and hold serve. And that he did. In the very 1^st game, Divadal was broke and she was fuming. She had committed no errors in the 4^th and now things were back where they were early in the match; Rosol was dictating play. Divadal got things to 4-5 and one though…NO WAY that Rosol can close this one out… the Choker express will soon be boarding and Rosol will be chief engineer but at 5-4! Rosol got things underway with a BOMB of an Ace in Divadal’s face. 15-0. He missed his 1^st serve but found his 2^nd serve and went with a ferocious forehand to go 30-0. The crowd was out of control and commentators were at a lost to find words to describe this moment. It was near pandemonium when Rosol aced Divadal again and was at 40-0; triple match point! Then Rosol ACED Divadal for the 22^nd time and take the match. All hell broke loose! This was good… this was very very good.

This is not happening!

i am FABULOUS bitches!!!

Take your handbag and get outta here! A Diva Dejected

Now understand I am not excited because Divadal lost and I am not his greatest fan. I am happy because it broke up the monotony of the same players coming into the semifinals. It may be that one of the other three might win this thing but at least, the chances of the other players winning a major has increased. Adios Divadal. Now you can go back home and watch Spain take on Italy in Euro final. Also you have a 2^nd chance as the Olympics are coming to Wimbledon in three weeks’ time. You will be all right. Humble pie can be delicious with a nice cup of calming tea and you would be all right.

Lochness Monster clawed his way into the 3rd

Anyway, this is not even the only match that was played. Things are very hot and heated right now between Ivo the Giant aka Ivo Karlovic of Croatia and Wimbledon. He played their favoured son Lochness Monster and got called for 11 double faults. Now, Ivo is a serving monster. This mofo can serve for his motherfcuking life. He pays his rent with the number of aces he get per match/per tournament. Now, Ivo claims that whenever he held the advantage, they would call a foot fault and many, the calls were very suspect. Ivo lost 5-7 7-6 2-6 6-7 and Lochness Monster moves on and is heavily favoured to make it to the finals since Divadal got bounced out of the tournament. Now, I want to say this and I have been saying this since US Open 2009. The tennis organizers need to have cameras on court so that players can challenge foot faults. It is ridiculous to think that you can have the balls being questioned and not whether your foot crossed the line. The umpire is hardly looking at their feet and once that foot fault call has been made, the players are screwed. It cannot be challenged and you are at a disadvantage.

WTF?? WTMFF?? Do I need to bring my club to these matches

When the Serenanator when into her court rage at the linesjudge, she was right. She did not foot fault and what is even worse, the linesjudge did not lose their job. In FIFA (football or soccer head body) if the officials are fcuking up, they are sent home. No questions asked. It is high time tennis gets it act together. The same chair umpires are circulating and they have been many many many egregious officiating and nothing is done about the matter. People ignore them and claim that the bad calls even out throughout the match…BULLSHIT in the highest degree. The game should be played fairly and squarely. You win what you earned. The winner is decided by a point…the match point and tennis is a high mental sport. Bad calls change the players’ attitude on court. They feel slightest and stop relying on muscle memory to focus on every aspect of their game which often times, severely throw them off their original game play. ITF/WTA/ATP, cameras for freaking cheap. Stop this shite show. Get the challenge system on every court that is being used for the tournament and also get challenge system for foot fault. STOP with this guidelines bullshit and get actual rules including for time violations.

Prince Ali, fabulous he…

All for you babe

Anyway, other winners include Jo-Willi Tsonga aka Baby Ali who had to get it done in 4 sets as did Del Potro who apparently took a mental stroll in the 3^rd set but closed it out against Go Soeda of Japan. Fiery Ferrer also won his match as did Kei Nishikori, American Brian Baker who is showing himself to be a reliable American male player, Frodo Goffin, Mardy former Whale Fish who dropped the ball big time in the 4^th set but was able to pull it out in the 5^th against British hopeful James Ward 6-3. Malisse did the world a favour by knocking out Gilles Simon in straight sets 6-4 6-4 7-6. Simon has made himself a target with his recent comments about men should be paid higher than women. I have an interesting take on this subject but right now, I cannot discuss as I am way behind again. Tabasco Verdasco is finding success here on grass unlike his recent clay court season. He moves onto the 3^rd round as is Marin Cilic, Philipp Kohlschreiber who will play Rosol in the 3^rd round and Alejandro Fall who again played another 5^th set to move to the 3^rd round. American Andy Roddick aka Mr. Brooklyn Decker 3 time Wimbledon finalist (2004-2005, 2009) also won in straight sets. He is a very dangerous floater. This might be his last Wimbledon in case you did not know and he would love to go out with a Wimbledon trophy. Unfortunately, my boo Delicitrov pulled out yet again of a tournament giving former Wimbledon semifinalist in 2006 if I am not mistaken, Fatdatis a chance to equal that performance.

You poor sweet thing… I will give you a rub down and you’ll be happy in the end

Undoubtedly, the ladies could not provide anywhere near this sort of excitement that the men produced. Shriekapova who had to finish up her 2^nd round match, dropped the 2^nd set 6-7 and you thought that Pironkova was going to make things interesting in the 3^rd. However, the only thing that was interesting was what she was going to have on her bagel. Shriekapova moved on 7-6 6-7 6-0. I do not know why she even bothered to waste the Russian’s time by taking the 2^nd set. Anyway, Kvitova won her match knocking out Elena Baltacha of England 6-0 6-4.

GWH is lurking in the dark ready to cast a spell on anyone in her path

Heather Watson remains the only British gal in the draw by making the 3^rd round and she is not going to the Olympics. The Serenanator sunk Melanie Czink as did Lucic who took out Fatoli in straight sets. Carebear Kerber and fellow German Julia Goerges also won. Vickie who has been relatively quiet this tournament also won her match. Shvedova, Wickmayer, Zakopalova, Ivanovic the Terrible, Sara Alien v Predator Head, Schiabone, Fatrova and Paszek also moved on. Former Wimbledon semifinalist Zheng Jie also moves on as did Roberta Vinci and Christina McHale and fellow American Varvara Lepchenko.

Gurl your make up is fabulous! Who put it on, Bozo the clown?

Some very interesting matches coming up…The conclusion of the Raonic vs Querry match…ACES GALORE! Mommie Dearest vs Vera Zvonareva, Bratzwanska vs Heather Watson, Almagro vs Gasquet (battle of the one handed backhand) Carebear vs McHale, Stephens vs Lisicki and Troicki vs Mrs. Monadal.  DON’T FORGET TO SPREAD THE WORLD ABOUT REALZ!!!

WTF??

Hey gurl meet my boy toy! Rrrrrrr

Next time I have to bring my clutch…I can’t handle these handles on this murse!

This went from this…

To this… hmmmm how you doing?

To this… and we all know what’s going to happen next… gaynesia

Wimbledon 2012: Day 2

Realz coming at your from the grass courts of Wimbledon

There was a contest on Centre Court yesterday between GHW (Grand High Witch) aka Petra Kvitova, reigning Wimbledon ladies champ and Argul Amanmuradova. It was not a beauty contest by any stretch of the imagination but we are not here in England to settle superficial disputes; we are here to play sports. GHW started off badly enough down 1-4. However, she got her life together and won the match 6-4 6-4! Title defense in full effect…and we are back on the broom. Kvitova has not played well on regular tour level events but she has made it to the semis of the last two majors. So she will not be one to slight over at these championships.

Grand High Witch Kvitova

Amanmuradova looking like a dementor with her huge self or perhaps Madame Maxime

Mere happenstance that this famous author is on hand to watch GHW match?…Hmmm

Vera Zvonareva who had to complete her 1^st round match today and took out Moaning Mona Barthel 6-4 in the 3^rd set. The 2010 Wimbledon finalist is struggling to regain the sort of form that saw her as a regular fixture in the 2^nd week at majors. The Serenanator and Vickie also had their 1^st round matches today and they both made it look like work. They won the 1^st comfortably but in the 2^nd they were struggling though they both won it 6-4. I for one think Vickie should go back to her shorts and the Serenanator, hopefully she saw a shrink or some exorcist to help deal with the demons that run amok in her life as of late.

The Serenanator trying to find her way back to major winning form

Other winners include, Schiabone who found herself in a tough battle against British youngster, Laura Robson. And speaking of British ladies, Anne Keaothavong won another match 6-3 6-3. Finally! Apparently, my lil rant during the French Open help or perhaps, it is the Olympics coming to town that has these British gals trying to give the home crowd something to cheer about as Elena Baltacha also won. Both Baltacha and Keaothavong got wild card entrants into the Olympics games. Personally, I would have given one of those wild cards to Heather Watson and the other perhaps to Robson. I think Watson is the only one of the British gals who appear as though their main interest is tennis.

Yeah I finally won a match at a major this year

Aleksandra Wozniak aka Cookie Monster’s lil sister won as did Fattychunkova, Fatoli who is definitely losing weight, American Christina McHale who is never trustworthy with a lead but found a way to win today. She will join fellow American Lepchenko and Wickmayer who beat Kuzi-Rex. Now, you know I am not a huge fan of Kuzi-Rex but I do not hate her. However, she really gets me mad. I do not understand why it is that she is playing so poorly as of late. There is no effort on her part these days and it is really disgusting to see a two time major winner who is not suffering from any known aliments, act as though she just got on the tour. Really disappointing.

Hmmm I change my mind… he looks more like an ostrich and they got small brains but he might do in a pinch. It looks like something milky is leaking out of your mouth…hmmm

On the men’s side, well things started to get interesting when Thomaz Bellucci raced off to a 4-0 lead over Lord Dirt Divadal. The Brazilian is a brilliant young talent but you know how these young guns often times shoot blanks. No sooner did Beaulucci (I saw recent pictures of him and I am not so sure I am feeling him much anymore. I will pass!) anyway… no sooner did Bellucci get the double break than he gifted them right back to Divadal. He was able to push to a tiebreaker where the shite show continued. Bellucci did not win a single point in the tiebreaker and only won 5 more games for the rest of the match. Divadal 7-6 6-2 6-3. Now it might seem that Divadal has fashioned himself Bjorg hier apparent and takes Wimbledon very seriously. He has made it to the finals 5 times, winning the title twice. He is not here foro shits and giggles and he intends to lay waste to all who comes in his way. D’Joker Harlequeen is no longer the threat that he was last year. In their last 4 meetings, Divadal won 3 of them albeit they were all on clay. Nonetheless, he is looking for his 12^th major title and perhaps closing in on Mr. Federer’s record 16.

Lord Dirt Divadal with his face all contorted as though he has muscular dystrophy.

Lochness Monster had his 1^st round match against the one time top player Nikolay Davydenko. Not so long ago, Davydenko was a feared individual capable of silencing any and all of the top men. Now, he is a mere white shadow of himself, struggling to win tour level matches much more those at majors. Lochness Monster chewed him up 6-1 6-1 6-4. Baby Ali aka Tsonga faced the 2002 Wimbledon champion in Hewitt. However, on the 10^th year anniversary of his victory, Baby Ali gave the Australian a gift of time but sending him off in the 1^st round for celebrations 6-3 6-4 6-4. And speaking up 2002, Hewitt is currently ranked 202 and I believe, with lost, he might be playing challengers next week. Perhaps he might consider retiring and helping Beth with the kids. In any case, most fanz would not miss him…I know I won’t. He could also mentor that hog of a child in Bernard Tomic. Someone needs to reign in that douchebag before he spills all over the place.

Lochness Monster thinks this might be the year for him!

And speaking of the idiot, he played David Goffin, the very same one who gave Mr. Federer all sorts of trouble at the French. Tomic won the 1^st set 6-3 but from then all, the Hobbit worked his magic and claimed the next three 6-3 6-4 6-4. With these Aussie losses, it means no Australian man is in the 2^nd round of a major. I believe that may not have ever happened… LOL actually, it has not happened in a long long time. However, before I got on a rampage on Australian tennis, consider that the US hardly has any strong male contenders these days and Switzerland only in essence have Mr. Federer and Fatanka. I think Australia is struggling with its own history and they should consider addressing this problem more proactively instead of hoping for the next Laver or Rafter to rise up out of the rashes of their once former tennis empire.

B gurl, might I suggest a cup because you surely need to tuck. I can offer you a thimble because from the looks of things, we all know you are not nimble. At first I thought it was a tick then I realise, boy it’s your dick. It won’t take long because gurl…you sure ain’t hung..looks more like you got stung! So put your dong in a thong because we don’t want to see it around.

Beast Boy Del Potro won his match as did Delicious Dmitriov. Marin Cilic, Fatdatis, Dolgopolov aka BWLLAGWLLAB, Nieminen who took out the hotness in FeFe Lopez, Mardy Fish, Kei Nishikori, Nicolas Almagro and Philipp Kohlschreiber who took out Tommy Haas, 2012 Halle winner over Mr. Federer, in 5 sets. So all in all, this day did not really see any major upsets like the 1^st day did. The usual suspects are through to the 2^nd round and still the 3^rd day is set to start and all the 1^st round matches have not been completed.

Oh delish Dimi

My word… I need to learn Spanish… FeFe Lopez is definitely incentive enough… Muy muy bueno y caliente

You just want one night with me? For realz, I would turn your world upside down!

When will Wimbledon learn about scheduling in light of the fact that matches are getting longer and the slightest bit of rain halt matches completely? These majors are overdoing a good joke but we do not have time for this right about now. Do not forget to comment and spread the word about us.

Is this Mirka with another man? Scandal! Scandal! While Mr. Federer is off on the practice courts, you shacking up with some man who reeks of poverty. Skank!

What do you mean I can’t change my bra on court? I am motherfcuking Lord Dirt Divadal. I can do whatever I want.

Look at that beautiful uncomfortable smile. D’Stove as always looking like she’s about to take a shite…

I’m sorry I can’t hear you. Some man is cursing me out…

Yes I am talking to you, you stinking motherfcuker with the purse. Turn off your fcuking phone when I am playing. I’ll whip my dcik out and bitch slap you with it.