2015 Australian Open: Day 1 of Horrors!

Hey y’all I am Simona Halep and I am as flat as koolaide but welcome to the Aussie Open. I am suppose to be a dark horse pick to win this title but I am confused by all this. I am a white girl from Romania so I don’t get how I can be a dark horse for anything.

So the 2015 Australian Open has officially begun! And boy or gurl or lady depending on who you are, was it an explosive first day, particularly on the women’s side. It was as though a cyclone or something ripped through the draw as the top seeds were being scattered left, right and center. These female underlings were gunning for the top seeds and trying to get that 2^nd round money because it is definitely more than the cheque for the 1^st round. Things were so massive that we do not even have time to chit chat, we have to go right to main story! 

Of the 16 seeded players from the bottom half who took to court to play their 1^st round matches, EIGHT of them lost. That’s right, 8/16, half of them, 50% of them were sent packing; dismissed; bid adieu; arrivederci or as they say in Australia, goodbye! It was amazing and shocking to a certain extent and I have seen a lot of tennis. I mean granted that several of them were not really surprises or upsets in my book. However, the sheer magnitude of the fallout was too epic to go unnoticed.

CYCLONE WARNING FOR THE WOMEN’S DRAW! High winds are ripping through the top seeds

So let’s look at the damage done. The highest seed to fall was Ana Ivanovic (5) aka Ivanovic the Terrible. Now Ana took on Lucie Hradecka (pronounced Herdeskka, I know but it is Czech if I am not mistaken) Anyway, Ana was cruising 6-1 in the 1^st set and I swore she was going to sail through this match. However, we all know how Ivanovic the Terrible be showing up and wrecking Ana’s life and sure enough out came doppelganger. Ana’s ball toss was all over the place for the serve. She was stretching like it was Pilates class out there and Hradecka was enjoying the free points and nice cracks at the silly serves. Hradecka then wrapped up the match 1-6 6-3 6-2! Needless to say that Ana tried to stall things by going up to the chair umpire several times mid-game. She can never lose gracefully #checkyourpressuregurl

Ivanovic the Terrible go away please! Get out of my head!

After Ana was sent home, then came Carebear Kerber (9) who was off kilter from the beginning of the match v Irina-Camelia Begu. Begu was serious about the upset from the very start. She got the early breaks and though Kerber broke back, Begu was undeterred as she took the 1^st set 6-4. Begu got broken early in the 2^nd set and decided smartly I guess to tank the set altogether. She did enough to make Angie work for it and gave away the set at love. However, in the 3^rd set, she unleashed her reserves and Angie was left scrambling at the back of the court. She returned the kindness of the bagel from Angie with a breadstick for the German. Begu bagged the upset win 6-4 0-6 6-1.

Lady Gollum! #icant with that eye liner accentuating already big eyes

Two other big upsets were Lucie Safarova (16) aka Lady Gollum and Carla Suarez-Navarro (17). Safarova can be a dangerous floater but it seemed that she drew another dangerous floater in the form of Yaroslava Shvedova for a 1st round match. Shevedova came out inspired to score the upset on the 1^st day and succeeded as she dismissed the Czech 6-4 2-6 8-6. Carla was just disappointing all around. She did not even put up much of a fight as some Carina Witthoeft took her out 3-6 1-6. To be honest I am not even going to shed any tears for Carla because I will never forget that Aussie Open 2009 when she took out Granny Vee in the 2^nd round.

Kuzi-Rex got extinct once again early in a major

Two veteran players, Svetlana Kuznetsova (27) aka Kuzi-Rex and Sabine Lisicki (28) aka Lose-sicki, got outplayed by two French women, Caroline Garcia and Kristina Mladenovic respectively. Kuzi-Rex was just not in the game at all. She allowed Garcia to take the upperhand in the match from the jump and only broke her in order to save face. Garcia nonetheless got the win 6-4 6-2. Mladenovic had a tougher time against Lose-sicki as she dropped the opening set 4-6. However, after trading breaks early in the 2^nd set, Mladenovic consolidated finally and kept on holding to take the match 4-6 6-4 6-2.

I don’t know if Lose-sickie has any fans left because they just cannot deal with the lack of success.

The final two of the top seeds to get bounced are not really upsets in my book but by virtue of the rankings, they do register as “upsets”. Julia Goerges played a great match from start to finish to take out Belinda Bencic (32) in straight sets 6-2 6-1 and Yanina Wickmayer steadied herself after losing the opening set 4-6 to knock out Anastasia Fattychunkova (23) 4-6 6-3 6-3. And like I said, although we have to call these upsets because of the rankings, it is really not that serious. Bencic and Fattychunkova were not going to do anything anyway.

Martha you cannot lose today. We have lost too many seeds during the day session. Look Stacey (head of the WTA) I don’t lose to scrubs in early round of majors. That’s Serena. Don’t get it twisted!

Well not that we took care of the “big losers” we can talk about the “big winners”. Martha Shriekapova (2) and Simona Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide were both looking rusty as hell in their opening round matches. Neither was in danger of losing the match. However, perhaps if they were playing a more seasoned opponent, things could have been interesting. Nonetheless, they both won their matches in straight sets and through to the 2^nd round. Martha 6-4 6-1 over Petra Martic and Halep 6-3 6-2 over Karin Knapp.

Is it just me or does it look like Genie has lost weight?

Genie Bouchard (7) who has to defend her semifinal points from last year, is one step closer as she took out Anna-Lena Friedsam 6-2 6-4. I am not sure she will get back to the semis but she as hell did not lose in the 1^st round so good of her. Another winner is Ekaterina Makarova (10) [I do not even realize she was ranked so high on the charts]. Anyway Makarova took out An-Sophie (I mean seriously that is her name) Mestach 6-2 6-2. Sara Errani (14) dismantled American Grace Min 6-1 6-0 in less than an hour.

Yes she is wearing EleVen by Venus but she is not crying because this really doesn’t fit her that well. The real issue is that Jarmila Gajdosova is crying because this is the 1st time in 10 straight tournaments that she has won a man! She is crying because she forgot how to be happy after a win!

Yeah gurl, print is not for you! You need solid colours in your life! And congrats on the win!

Other notable winners include 2014 US Open semifinalist Shuai Peng (21) and Pliskova (22) both won in straight sets. Zarina Diyas (31) took out Aga Lite aka Urszula Radwanska in 3 sets. Roberta Vinci beat Bojana Jovanovski in straight sets as Bethanie Mattek-Sands overcame her opponent Ying-Ying Duan in 3 sets. American Christina McFail was near the exit when she had an opportune bout of nausea resulting in a Medical Time Out. Of course she recovered in time to hold serve like a boss against Frenchwoman Stephanie Foretz. McFail got her act together to win the match 12-10 in the final set. Again these ladies resorting to tricks whenever their backs are up against the wall! These trainers should have to give a full report upon each visit to the court and if the illness is not “real and/or possible” the player has to pay a fine. They are getting too ridiculous with these MTOs now.

That was a great read Realz

On the men’s side, things were far more copacetic than it was on the women’s side. In fact, I think there was only 1 major casualty and again if we look at the big picture, it was no real surprise. However, let’s deal with the usual suspects first.

Things are so easy today on court, I even got time to fix my hair .. or at least whatever is left of it

Divadal may try telling the world that he is not a favourite for this Aussie Open title, but like all things coming out of Divadal’s mouth regarding his health and fitness, it is a lie straight from the pit of tennis hell. Divadal (3) came out against Mikhail Youzhny on fire. Youzhny who is no real slouch most of the times, really had no answer against the Spaniard. Divadal was hitting winners from all over the court in the most impossible and improbable positions. The commentators from both ESPN and EuroSport were beside themselves. It was a circle jerk at times how they were fawning over Divadal. They talked about how his shorts were “the shortest ever”, they talked about how they “missed him so much” and even about this look and body. It was too much. Anyway, Divadal is through 6-3 6-2 6-2.

I am back to full force and don’t none of you bitches forget that!

Nice and easy does it for Mr. Federer

Mr. Federer (2) again appears on target to extend his 11-year run to the Aussie Open semifinal or better stage. He took out Yen-Hsun Lu in straight sets 6-4 6-2 7-5. Lochness Murray (6) made a meal of his match against Yuki Bhambri but in the end he won in straight sets 6-3 6-4 7-6(3). Berdshite (7) also made life a bit difficult for himself against Alejandro Falla but he still got the job done in 3 sets, 6-3 7-6(1) 6-3. Grigor Dimitrov (10) aka Martha’s Bulgarian handbag had an easy day at the office when he took out German-Jamaican Dusty Brown 6-2 6-3 6-2. The worst part of the matter was that Dusty Brown thought he was going to factor in this match. He at one point appeared as though he was trying to do something of interest on the court. Thankfully Dimitrov got his clutch together and snapped those foolish desires away.

Dimitrov is looking determined. Meanwhile, Dusty Brown realized that he will be playing on a real court and not one of the practice courts he usually play on for the qualies

Other winners included Kevin Anderson (14) who at 6’8” (2.03m) took on an opponent more than a foot beneath him, Diego Schwartzman who is 5’7” (1.7m). Anderson still had to fight for his life as Schwartzman was digging at his heels. Anderson took the match in 4 sets. David Goffin (20) aka the Hobbit also won in 4 sets over American Mike Russell. Most of the top seeds won their matches in straight sets including Philipp Kohlschreiber (22), Ivo Karlovic (23), Richard Gasquet (24), Leonardo Mayer (26) and Martin Klizan (32). Lukas Rosol (28) who at 6’5” (1.96m) had the rare opponent whose face he had to look up to see, Kenny DeScheppers, 6’8” (2.03m). It was a virtual battle of the giants. However, Rosol eked out the win in 5 sets to advance to the 2^nd round. A possible 3^rd round encounter with Divadal looms in the draw if both players can win their next match.

Berdshite is through to the 2nd round!

There were several matches with winners that should be of some interests to some people. Lukas Lacko, Jurgen Melzer and Viktor Troicki were all winners on Day 1. Melzer came through from qualification showing  some Q3 (final round) heroics on the court. So good of him to come back from the brink of defeat in the qualies  and win a maindraw match to make some 2^nd round money. Troicki who won Sydney this past weekend faced the winner from Auckland, Jiri Vesely. Unfortunately, someone had to go home and it was Vesely in 4 sets. Jeremy Chardy (29) escaped a youthful Borna Coric who seemed to have thought that enthusiasm made up for experience. Coric took the 1^st set but then played the big points poorly for the rest of the match. Chardy thus capitalized on his inexperience to take the match in 4 sets.

Hottie Coric wasted a good opportunity to move through to the 2nd round of a major. He made life very easy for Chardy. Nonetheless, the 18-year is still HOT

Another interesting result is that of Andreas Seppi v Denis Istomin. This first round encounter was their 5^th meeting at a major and in each of the 4 previous matches, they all went the distance. They both won 2 matches a piece. This 5^th match was no different as it again went to a decisive 5^th set. Seppi won it this time around and moved through to the 2^nd round. In other news and more so from the rumour mill, Divadal’s boo, Juan Monaco, Pico, lost to Italian Simone Bollelli. Please note that the rumour is not that Monaco lost but the fact that he is Divadal’s boo.

Mother why am I clapping for the douche Tomic? I thought you said I shouldn’t go after stupid boys

As we are in Australia at the Australian Open, I think it prudent that we note the achievements of the Aussie men because we all know that the Aussie ladies be a mess in Melbourne. Several of the local favourites extended their stay in Melbourne including the hotness that is Sam Groth. So happy he is sticking around some more. Marinko Matosevic and James Duckworth also won and will play in the 2^nd round. Bernard Tomic aka Tampomic was in a bit of trouble against Tobias Kamke of Germany but it seems that Kamke was merely wasting time. He had difficulty holding onto any of the leads that he had and eventually got sweeped aside in 4 sets.

Leave it up to Gulbis to be the 1st “major” seed to get dismissed by a guy not even ranked in the top 100

Now there were two other matches which produced a lot of joy and excitement for the local crowd. Thanasi Kokkinakis and fellow Greek-Aussie Nick Kyrgios aka St. Nicky Kripsy Kringles both won tough 5-set matches. Kokkinakis took out Ernests Gulbis (11). I know Gulbis would not disappoint me by being disappointing in this opening round match. I have no idea why Gulbis lost this match other than to say that it was his entire entire fault. Kokkinaskis took it 5-7 6-0 1-6 7-6(2) 8-6. Krispy Kringles had his own dramatics calling out the trainer to deal with his “back”. He was struggling against Frederico Delbonis (the name sounds familiar but I do not know who he is either). Anyway, Kringles won 7-6(2) 3-6 6-3 6-7 6-3.

I cannot believe this idiot Gulbis let me win this match #dead

Anyway, that is enough about the matches! We look forward to Day 2. I hope it is nowhere near as crazy as this first day. That is to say, I hope the Williams Sisters do not lose. They have signed up for doubles and I have no idea why Granny Vee is adding more work to her schedule considering that she has Sjogren but you know I am not even going to touch this right now. Don’t forget that Slowe Stephens v Vickie is slated! Should be a very interesting match to say the least! Anyway fanz enjoy the posting and DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT!!

BIG PICTURE MIXED BAG IS BACK

I am so excited that this is back!!

 #TeamHotties

Samuel Groth is worthy of being smothered in dipping sauce and be licked all over. Good of Jarmila for putting him back on the market by divorcing him. Not that that would have mattered. #sidepiecetrending

Grigor’s stock have gone down as of late especially since he’s playing “house” with Martha but he can still get it.

Andreas Seppi isn’t looking at his best but he cannot get any worst! This Italian sausage is a sure bet on #teamcandefinitelygetit

We are not here for Divadal. He is just giving Fake Fire Ferrer more shine!

Tabasco Verdasco has definitely sen better days but he is still able to make the rounds as a resident hottie in these parts

Tim Smyczek. He is get at major qualifications and winning his 1st round match but a mess thereafter. Meanwhile, what he lacks on court, he can definitely make up off court and hopefully in the boudoir

#TeamCutie

I mean you cannot beat this all. So adoroable

#TeamNottie

Definitely not a good look Gulbis

What do you mean I am not cute? I mean you look like you pissed your pants and you’re a grown man

See he could be on #teamhottie

But then he smiles and it is definitely #teamnottie for him

I don’t know how much more I can pound Carla talking about her presentation but she needs some expert help. These Spanish girls are always looking rough

I mean she is no looker and all but I mean she’s definitely doing charity work with this one right here

I am not trying to be mean here but he reminds me of someone

Am I wrong?

MIXED BAG PHOTOS

There is nothing I love more than when Tennis Players meet for an event. Here we have the IMG Agency party and so much goodies here for Realz to get it. 

Gosh look at Pat Rafter. He has let himself go. To think he use to be on my Fantasy Fcuk Team! He’s a nightmare right about now! He has definitely been traded

Look at Heather. I don’t get why she loves to show off her bra tan. Gurl it ain’t cute! And let’s talk about that dress. That’s some avant garde upholstery fabric sewed together with some old pleather jacket and you trying to pass it off as fashion. #Gurlbye

I can’t even with Madison Keys. She can barely hold it together on the tennis court and looking like a fish out of water at this party. The clothes are cute but she is not making them work. Kei looks like a 12-year-old boy in this outfit. He can do better. Meanwhile, I don’t know why the front of the jeans are bunching up like there is extra junk in that compartment. That was not a read, just being realz! #truthdotcom

Say what you want to about Lose-Sicki on the tennis court but Gurlfriend be killing it when it comes to dress up time! She is slaying right now. Martha on the other hand looks like television static. You know back in the days when you can’t get no broadcast signal for your tv, well Martha got her dress made from that. 

I cannot believe Genie did this. I am so mad right now. This looks like she was home getting ready for bed and a bad gurlfriend (cause no way in hell a good friend let this happen) said, gurl let’s go to this party down the block, just put on some shoes and let’s go. So Genie just stuck her nightgown top into this pajama bottom shorts and thought it might be cute. Umm NOO. Guess Again! The gurl on the right, Tomlijanovic, killed it!

I cannot believe this is Petra. IMG got her a style team! I mean WOW! just WOW. You know she’s wearing some heavy duty spanks for them muffin tops. But I can’t even be mad at the kitten heels because everything else is so RIGHT!!Meanwhile, LiNaLi is glowing in her pregnancy. Wait a minute, she is suppose to have the baby in September 2015 (I am sure I read that somewhere) but why she already look like she’s 6 months. You all sure she not just getting fat here and there’s no baby.

Thanks for the Rolex. I guess I don’t need those fake ones anymore that I have at home.

Weather Problem? 

I am confused by all this. See, there is this.

Clearly it is Summer in Melbourne or so I thought …

So why are these people wearing this? That’s a full on winter jacket that woman is wearing. This cannot be tourist mentality at work here. WTH people

It’s just a gay ole time in Melbourne 

Every year these queens come out of the woodworks for Lochness Murray. They are giving him the Sassy Gurl Finger Snap chorus

Then we have the “Genie Army” but what I don’t get is how so many men are ganging up over 1 woman? Straight men are not into knowingly sharing 1 woman.

These guys are fighting over the sweaty clothing of a male player

Now I know you are going to say that they are just being patriotic and all

But then you see this and you have to re-think that entire notion

Meanwhile, this is Divadal after his match. He’s relaxing with his peeps and they are tweeting. However, look at the man on the left besides Divadal. I am sure that’s his penis I am seeing there and he is sans shorts. I don’t think Uncle Toné approves of this message

 

Wimbledon 2014: Day 6

Like serious Wimbledon, WTMFF

Yet again, another day where I can hardly speak. I am near done with this Wimbledon. Well the big news of the weekend is that the Serenanator (1) went out to Alizé Cornet (25) aka Cornemort. Oh boy was this a disappointment. I mean the Serenanator looked deactivated. She was mess. She started off a bit messy but then after that she was en pointe. Then after taking the 1^st set 6-1, she went totally offline. Cornemort was the one dictating play throughout for the rest of the match. She used some unforgiveable curse on ReRe. Gurl was all over the Serenanator like white on rice. It was like ReRe flatlined or something. It was not looking too good. It is a real disappointment when ReRe is not around because madness ensues. Anyway good on Cornemort for taking this match. This is only the 2^nd time she has made it to the 2^nd week of a major in her career. This is also her 34^th major appearance. Congrats gurl, you’re moving up.

I can’t get my life together at all!!

YESSS GAWDDD I did it again!! Dark Lord Cornemort Rising

Just remember gurl, Revenge for beating my sister again. I got your number; I’m gonna go all postal on your @$$

Also I want to point out that Cornet was being blatantly coached from the sidelines. Her coach was making all kinds of hand gestures etc. It was ridiculous. Of course guess who was the chair umpire, Mariana Alves. Yes the same who “screwed” Serena in the 2005 US Open. Another interesting notorious figure present on court, the same lineswoman ReRe chewed out. It was just a bad day for the American. The rain was making that weave a mess and all. It was horrible. The world was stunned by this result. Please do not think I am bitter about this loss at all. I am only annoyed that Cornet might more than likely lose in the next round against Bouchard (13). Bouchard is not going to let an opportunity like this go astray. Bouchard took out Andrea Petkovic (20) 6-3 6-4

Genie Bouchard

Anyway on to other winners. So Martha aka Maria aka Shriekapova (5) just totally dragged Alison Riske across Centre Court like she tried to snatch her wig and exposed her lacefront. It was not cute. Riske broke Shriekapova was got a lead of 3-1. Then homegurl never won another game in the match! Shriekapova just beat that gurl down on court; it was like when animals attacked. Shriekapova won 11 straight games for 6-3 6-0 victory. She is into the 2^nd week of Wimbledon and from here on end to the rest of the year, homegurl is only adding points. She did not play for the rest of the year after Wimbledon last year.

YES!!! Serenanator is gone! Bye GURL!!

Mrs. Koolaide Jug (3) also won her match as she beat rising star Belinda Bencic of Switzerland. Bencic is allegedly the protégée of Martina Hingis. I wonder if these young girls realize that Martina loves the limelight … Martina is all about hogging the attention. She was working with Lisicki and then dropped her to go play doubles. Now she lost in the 1^st round of doubles. Martina gurl get a life. Either you trying to be a coach or you’re still an active player. You cannot do both particularly if people are putting their careers in your hands. Two other winners Carebear Kerber (9) who after dropping the opening set to Kirsten Flipkens (24) 3-6, roared back to take it 6-3 6-2. A surprise player in the 4^th round is a Zarina Diyas from Kazakhstan. Diyas beat 2010 finalist Vera Zvonareva in 3 sets also.

Rain interrupted much of the day’s play

The rest of the ladies 3^rd round matches would be played on Monday as would the remaining men’s 3^rd round. There are several 4^th round battles on the ladies side that would also be play most highly featured match being Bouchard (13) v Cornemort.

He was down but unfortunately not out!!

Divadal for the third successive match dropped the 1^st set. However, he came back in roaring fashion against Kukushkin. 6-7 6-1 6-1 6-1. Divadal baked up triple breadsticks. I swear these scrubs be looking for trouble. I do not know what’s the point of taking a set from Divadal if you have no intention of winning the match or at least another set? They be acting as though one is being paid by the number of sets they play. And straight that Divadal is lacking focus and concentration in the beginning of matches. Or perhaps this is all some crazy ploy to get attention for himself. Who knows or who cares? All I want to know is who is going to take three sets from him in this tournament?

Hello I’m still here

Anywho, Mr. Federer is showing great form through 3 rounds here at Wimbledon. He knocked out Santiago Giraldo 6-3 6-1 6-3. Now I am not made that Mr. Federer is showing great form thus far. My issue is that will this hold up against the big boys. He has Stan the Man possibly in the quarterfinals and then potentially Divadal. #trouble No Bueno. And now that he is through to the 4^th round, he will face none other than Tommy Robredo (23) who took out Mr. Federer at this stage last year at the US Open. Robredo beat Jerzy Janowicz (15) 6-2 6-4 6-7 4-6 6-3. Mr. Federer you best deal with this case. I can’t deal with another early round major lost. Also Dennis the Menace Raonic (8) took out last year’s quarterfinalist, Lukas Kubot in straight sets 7-6 7-6 6-2. There was also an interesting matchup of the two wildcard entrants who dashed nearly all of French hopes, Nick Kyrgios who beat Gasquet in 5 sets when on to beat Jiri Vesely who had beaten Beetlejuice. Kyrgios won in 4 sets 3-6 6-3 7-5 6-2 and through to this first Round of 16 in a major.

Yeah thanks for showing up now bye. I’m off to my 1st Round of 16 at a major

Isner aka Mountain Troll will play FeFe Lopez on Monday. Their match got suspended as did Stan the Man and Denis Istomin’s match. Kei Nishikori aka Horsikori and Simone Bolelli are 3-3 in the 5^th set. They will continue on Monday. So I have been getting some feedback from a fanz. He stated that I should re-rename John Isner. We all know that he was called BFG, Big Friendly Giant but after he decided to be all “ignant” and stuff I said I should call him Mountain Troll. However, a fanz as I said made another suggest; Notorious B.I.G aka Notorious Big Ignorant Giant. It sounds cool and everything I think. So let me know what you think.

John Isner aka Mountain Troll or John Isner aka Notorious B.I.G?

Kiss the grass and Serena can kiss my ass

No Laquanda do not come out! Let’s keep it team Jesus today.

So Serena how do you feel about this lost?

Mofo how do you think I feel? Gurl I gotta read you a bit…You know you’re my good gurlfriend but I have to tell you, the weave looking ratchet. You have to fix this. No Bueno!!!

So gurl what you doing later?

Wanna come with me to meet up with him?

Honey is his (gulp) really that big? YESSS GAWD!! I am coming

I mean seriously this golden blazer is just everything right now!!! EVERYTHING

No boo shit your ass down. You look like a clown.

I mean double scoops of chocoloate … the possibilities

Mofo, this face does not look like no fcuking Koolaide Jug

Gurl you blind?

Whatever mofo

We think we cute

#teamgay? or #teamgaynesia?

Kei Nishikori is all hotness

Until he shows his teeth and he becomes Horsikori

Wimbledon 2014: Day 4

That’s how I feel right now .. like I could collapse

Well again, I am working on very little sleep here … So Day 4 was all ablaze with the men’s match up of Divadal v Lukas Rosol. Rosol you would remember defeat Divadal in 5 sets back in 2012. However, Divadal beat Rosol earlier this year in Doha in straight sets. Nonetheless, you know how the media can be. Anyway, so for a minute, it looked like Rosol was going to score the upset again. He won the 1^st set 6-4 and was up a break in 2^nd set.

The crows were buzzing overhead to pick up the Divadal entrails

However, he got broken but was able to force it to a tiebreaker where he had the set on his racquet up 5-4. He lost one of those points but got set point at 6-5 but this time on Divadal’s serve. Divadal came up with the goods and took the set and in essence the match. Divadal broke Rosol early in sets 3 and 4 and though Rosol would get it back on serve in the 4^th set 4-4, he got broken immediately and Divadal served it out 4-6 7-6⁶ 6-4 6-4. Needless to say, the result was disappointing. I mean Rosol had a look at a 2-0 sets love lead but basically choked. I mean Divadal does this to players. For two sets, they have good looks at a huge advantage and he dares them to take it. But it seems these players, Klizan, Djoker, Fake Fire Ferrer and Rosol cannot get over that hurdle of really beating Divadal. I also feel like I jinxed Rosol as I was determined not to watch the match but I got curious when he was leading and took a peek. #Icant #Ijustcant

Suck on that Realz. I am coming for your main man Mr. Federer

Anyway onto other matches: Mr. Federer was in vintage form against Gilles Muller 6-3 7-5 6-3. Although rain interrupted play and they had to get off court to close the roof, Mr. Federer returned still in stellar form. The numbers were very impressive from Mr. Federer, along with the 25 aces, he had 1 double fault dropped only 9 points on serve with 44 winners and 5 errors. His biggest serve 127mph was even bigger than Muller’s at 125mph. Mr. Federer never faced a break point. It was like Mr. Federer was playing Andy Roddick all over again. Muller had that 2 dimensional game; try and get a huge 1^st serve in and then crack on the forehand. However, Muller is much more comfortable up at net than Roddick though but Mr. Federer was in target practice mood. In the presser, the journalists pointed out to Mr. Federer that every time he has beaten Muller, he went on to win the tournament.

Q.  Three times you have played Gilles before now and — you’ve gone on to win the tournament.
ROGER FEDERER:  Oh, really?  Ohh.  Are you sure?  (Laughter.) I’ll go check it out … I’m very happy to be
through and happy to hear the news.

Mr. Federer … that’s all

Contrastingly, fellow Swiss Stan the Man Wawrinka (5) was somewhat messy in his 2^nd round match. Yen-Hsun Lu had chances to really make something of this match. Grass is not Wawrinka’s favourite surface and added to this, Wawrinka gave him many looks to really take this match. Lu served for the 1^st set but got broken and was up 5-2 in the breaker only to let Stan back into the set to take it. Even in the 4^th set, after taking the 3^rd set, Lu had a chance to serve for it at 5-4 had he converted on the break point in the 8^th game. Nonetheless it was he who was on the defensive as Stan broke him and served it out for a 7-6 6-3 3-6 7-5 victory.

We’ll take whatever wins we can get. So lay off my case Realz

Both Dennis the Menace Raonic (8) and Kei Horseteethikori (10) made short work of two Americans to move through to the 3^rd round. Dennis the Menace took out Jock Sock 6-3 6-4 6-4 and Horseteethikori took out Denis Kudla 6-3 6-2 6-1. Mountain Troll beat Jarkko Nieminen 7-6 7-6 7-5. Tommy Robredo (23) also won his match in straight sets over France’s Adrian Mannarino 6-4 6-1 7-6. Other winners include last year’s quarterfinalist, Lukas Kubot as well as Denis Istomin and Mikhail Kukushkin. Baby Ali (14) who finally finished up his 2^nd round match against American Sam Querrey aka the Grinch 4-6 7-6 6-76-3 14-12. They were 9-9 at the end of the previous day’s play.

Baby Ali doing the happy dance

Nick Kyrgios sent Gasquet packing

Unfortunately, the other two top French men were not so lucky in their 2^nd round matches. Resident clown Beetlejuice (24) went out to Jiri Vesely of Czech Republic. Beetlejuice dropped the first two sets and then rallied to take the next two in breakers. Now you would think someone of Beetlejuice’s experience he would be able to find a way to win it in the 5^th. Nope, he mucked about the place and Vesely broke him in the 9^th game and served it out for a 7-6 6-3 6-7 6-7 6-4 victory. The other Frenchman, Gasquet (13) was facing a 19-year-old wild card entrant in the form of Nick Kyrgios of Australia. Gasquet was up 2-0 sets in the match and allowed Kyrgios to take the next two. He would have 9; that’s NINE match points and unable to convert any of them. Kyrgios took it 3-6 6-7 6-4 7-5 10-8. There was another upset, Philipp Khlschreiber (22) was also knocked out in 5 sets by Simone Bolelli.

Serenanator was very serene on court as she dismantled Scheepers … Wait is Martha saying shite about me

On the women side, Serenanator (1) and Shriekapova (5) are on a collision course with each other in the quarterfinals. They both dismantled their respective opponent. ReRe won 6-1 6-1 and Martha 6-2 6-1. Halep (3) aka Mrs. Koolaide was supposed to play yesterday but rain suspended play in the afternoon and it would be played today. Carebear Kerber (9) won over Heather Watson 6-2 5-7 6-1. Now I like Watson as she has a really fun personality or so it seems via Facebook etc. However, what bothers me about her and a lot of the young players on the tour is that they really are “opportunists.” They cannot win unless the top players are choking. They cannot create anything on their side to remotely hurt the “big girls;” they rely heavily on others mistakes and not them taking the offensive. Take Watson, she fought her way into the 2^nd set and closed it out 7-5. Come 3^rd set, NOTHING! NADA! NOUGHT! She almost went down 0-6. Consider Muguruza, Bouchard and Halep at the French against Shriekapova. They only got to the 3^rd set and again they were not able to do anything even though the momentum was in their favour.

What you going to do about it?

Not today Satan! Not today! Jehovah talk to her, please! I am trying to be a good girl at Wimbledon. She is trying to bring Laquanda on court. Laquanda is not allowed to come out. She’s on probation. She’s not nasty. She’s just real. Keeps it real. And you just definitely don’t want to cross her. Because you cross her, then she snaps. I don’t speak to her very often. I try never to see her. She’s nuts. Spare her Jehovah in these words I pray. Amen

Meanwhile, Eva had this to say on the matter, Martha best to chill. I won’t be able to protect you if Laquanda comes on court. I can barely protect myself.

Adje!!! Ana is on court and not Ivanovic the Terrible

Anyway, speaking of Bouchard (13) she won her match in straight sets. She could potentially meet Serenanator in the Round of 16. Ana Ivanovic (11) so far is on court in her first two matches as she too moved through to the 3^rd round. No sign so far of Ivanovic the Terrible. Last year’s semifinalist and finalist Kristin Flipkens (24) and Sabine Losicki (19) both won their 2^nd round matches in straight sets. Andreas Petkovic (20) and Lady Cornemort (25) aka Alize Cornet of France are also through to the 3^rd round both winning in 3 sets. Cornemort will face the Serenanator in the 3^rd round. Cornemort beat the Serenanator earlier this year, so it is a re-match with ReRe looking for the revenge kill. Other winners of interest who also made it to the 3^rd round include Yaraslova Shvedova who took out last year’s quarterfinalist Kaia Kanepi in 3 sets, American Madison Keys also won in 3 sets as well as fellow American Alison Riske who took out Camila Giorgi 7-5 6-2. Carlo Suarez-Navarro (15) got dismissed in three sets by Zarina Diyas.

 The Divadal’s hair raising problem

First it looks like this

Then this

midway it start looking like wet feathers

And then even he can’t deal with the mess

ARGHHH I’ve thinning hair… Why can’t I get Roger’s locks

Well good thing I have a decent body to compensate

Don’t even know what to say about this hair

WTF indeed Carlo? We are all wondering why you look like this

What a handsome lady

Anyone else noticing how much happier Lochness Monster seem. I mean I’ve never seen him smile so often. If this continues, I might have to call him Puff the Magic Dragon

Just hanging with the boys

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?

Sometimes ….

Now to worry, you’re not alone.

Yeah I had to cover it up because gurl, it is like the Amazon down there.

Do you think we look foolish? No. I think we might just look ridiculous

Hey gurl

Well how you doing?

 

 

 

Wimbledon 2014 Preview I: The Men’s Draw

You know Realz always ignore the rules

So RealzTenisFanz is finally back on the blogosphere. Currently I am “enjoying” this unemployment status. (Won’t someone hire me and pay me good money?) It is just a brutal affair right now. I might have to start turning tricks and sad to say, I am not a kid. Anyway, let me apologize for not making a single entry for the French Open 2014. I had intentions to do so the entire time. However, I ended up being extremely busy with another gig http://www.ubitennis.com/english/author/hackshaw/ Feel free to comment there also as well as here. Now this Hackshaw dude is a lot different from Realz in that he is not as haterrific but I guess one has to be versatile in order to make it to the top or in my case, stay at the bottom.

There not one thing about this picture that makes me happy! Nada! Rien! Nyet! “Hey gurl ReRe, we miss you!” Meanwhile, man in the middle: “That look when you trying to touch the pretty lady’s ass and the man on the other side reaching for yours”

Anywho I am digressing. What can I say about the 2014 French Open? I mean Divadal won his 9^th title and 5^th in a row and Shriekapova won her 2^nd. Now you think I was a happy camper? Nope not in the least! It was as horrid as back in 2012 when there was a similar result.  So here we are 3 weeks later at Wimbledon. By the way, there is talk that next year, there would be a longer grass court season. That would be interesting because as it stands now, there are about 7 tournaments between the men and women (4 for men and 3 for women) and they are mostly going on simultaneously. I think they can do better than this for sure. Most of the top players skipped them and those who showed up with the exception of Mr. Federer, they all lost early.

The Wimbledon Trophies

So let us discuss the draw. On the men’s side, Wimbledon committee chose to this year play around with the seedings for the men. Presumably this was to deal with Andy Murray’s 5^th place ranking. He is the defending champion so the Wimbledon feels that if he is outside of the top 4, he is likely to get into trouble. I mean he lost to Radek Stepanek at Queen’s Club in the 3^rd round. I don’t know who they think they’re protecting because at Wimbledon, the trouble comes not from the “big boys” but from the scrubs lurking about the place. Anyway, Wimbledon did some hocus pocus Hogwarthian magic with the ranking not just for Lochness Monster but for some other players. I have highlighted the crazy “fixing” by the All-England Club. Do note that Juan Martin Del-Potro aka Beast Boy who is ranked 8^th in the world and 27th ranked Nicolas Almagro are not playing so that means everyone below them should only move up one spot. However, Wimbledon School of Magical Farts and Wigotry worked with a “New Math” principles in mind. There are so much to say on the subject but I can’t right now… I am trying to finish this and go for a run…I have to tell you people that the two weeks of major tournament be messing up my gym/run/sleep schedule. I cannot deal. This is summer time and I cannot be gaining weight…. No one is checking for bears these days and Bears are only the interest of Goldilocks if you know what I mean. Anyway, though this seeding business is bullshit, it hardly matters. It is very unlikely that someone other than Djoker, Divadal, Mr. Federer or Lochness Monster will be in the final to take the crown. However, on a matter of principle, it is not okay. Those players who got shafted worked really hard for their rankings and then Wimbledon decides that they are not worthy of it. Meanwhile, the women stayed the same!

Professor Wiggle Wimbledon mucking around with the men’s seeds. Changopresto!

Player	Wimbledon Seed	Actual Ranking
Djoker (Novak Djokovic)	1	2
Divadal (Rafael Nadal)	2	1
Lochness Monster (Andy Murray)	3	5
Mr. Federer (Roger Federer)	4	4
Stan the Man (Stan Wawrinka)	5	3
Berdshite/Lurch (Tomas Berdych)	6	6
Fake Fire Ferrer (David Ferrer)	7	7
Dennis the Menace (Milos Raonic)	8	9
Big Friendly Giant aka BFG (John Isner)	9	11
Kei Nishikori	10	12
Sharapova’s Bulgarian clutch (Grigor Dimitrov)	11	13
Ernests Gulbis	12	10
Richard Gasquet	13	14
Baby Ali (Jo-Wilfried Tsonga)	14	17
Jerzy Janowicz	15	24
Mr. Piggy (Fabio Fognini)	16	15
Mikhail Youzhny	17	16
Tabasco Verdasco (Fernando Verdasco)	18	23
FeFe Lopez (Feliciano Lopez)	19	25
Kevin Anderson	20	18
BWLLAGWLLAB (Alexandr Dolgopolov)	21	19
Philipp Kohlschreiber	22	27
Tommy Robredo	23	22
Beetlejuice (Gael Monfils)	24	21
Andreas Seppi	25	34
Chin Cilic (Marin Cilic)	26	29
Roberto Bautista Agut	27	28
Guillermo Garcia-Lopez	28	31
Ivo Karlovic	29	33
Marcel Granollers	30	30
Vasek Pospisil	31	35
Dmitry Tursunov	32	32

I am going to divide the men’s draw into halves and then quarters. I will discuss the players in each section, labelling each section based on the top seeds. I will highlight the various potential matchups and key matches to watch. I am not making predictions because you know how that goes. All I can say as always, I want Mr. Federer to win. That will never change.

TOP HALF

Quarter 1: Djoker (1) v Berdshite (6)

Djoker is looking for another Wimbledon crown

Djoker (2011 Champion) opens his campaign for a 2^nd Wimbledon crown against Andrey Golubev. He has a potential 2^nd round match up against Shark Boy Stepanek. However, knowing how Shark Boy loves to play 5 set matches in majors, Djoker will be fresh and ready to crush him.  There is also a potential class between Djoker and Mikhail Youzhny (17) and Baby Ali (14) in the Round of 16. Now we all remember that beat down Baby Ali got recently in Paris by the hands of Djoker. I am sure Baby Ali would be looking for revenge. I am not sure how much he would be able to exact because Djoker is hungry to win a major this year. He has come up short twice already and he is not feeling that at all.

Baby Ali has a winning smile but that will not help him at the All-England Club

On the other side of this quarter lies Berdshite who has made the final here in 2010. He has all the attributes to be an excellent grass court player other than the fact that he is a Neanderthal’s brain. Berdshite has to get pass Marin Chin Cilic (26) in the 3^rd round and then face in the Round of 16 the winner of the Ernests Gulbis (12) v Tabasco Verdasco (18) 3^rd round match. There was some HUGE HITTERS in this section of the draw. Would be very interesting to see what happens here.

Quarter 2: Lochness Monster (3) v Fake Fiery Ferrer (7)
Lochness Monster is the defending champion and he comes into this Wimbledon with a female coach, 2006 champion Amelie Mauresmo. This is a huge headline in and of itself. I must admit that initial when this talk of their partnership was a rumour, I did not think it would happen. However, when it was in fact finalized, I really have no issue with it. I mean a coach is someone telling you what to do. It is not like the coach needs to be of a specific gender or of a certain calibre former player. I know a lot of guys have a lot of bullshit to say. However, I think this is a good partnership and more than likely Amelie will stop Lochness Monster from giving those monster faces all the time on court. He will be force to act more like an adult than a sullen child. Anyway, he has a really easy draw. He got a scrub, David Goffin in the 1^st round and then possible a Spaniard clay court specialist though he just won a grass court tournament in Holland, Roberto Bautista-Agut (27) in the 3^rd round or Mr. Piggy, Fabio Fognini (16) or Kevin Anderson (20) in the 4^th round. I do not know when is Lochness Monster’s birthday but he can consider this a birthday/Christmas gift all rolled up in one.

Lochness Monster is giving me FACE!!

Now listen to me, you have to play the one-handed slice backhand… Can you do that for me? It worked against Henin.

On the other end is Grigor Dimitrov (11) aka Shriekapova’s Bulgarian handbag who opens against American Ryan Harrison. Rising star, Austria’s Dominic Thiem aka Steam Thiem is a potential 2^nd round opponent for the clutch purse. This should be a good match up but I think Grigor will come through. It would be a very good looking match nonetheless. I think Ferrer who is on the bottom of this section should come through for at least the Round of 16. There is a matchup of some interest here when Dustin Brown who inexplicably defeated Divadal in Halle couple of weeks ago. “Dreddy Tennis” as he calls himself, will play against Marcos Fatdatis in the 1^st round. I would like to see how this one turns out.

BOTTOM HALF

Quarter 3: Mr. Federer (4) v Stan the Man (5)

Live Fast? Just don’t die quick out there. Last year you punked out in the 2nd round much to my horror. I can’t deal with these kinda dismal results at all this year

Hopefully that is a rising sun and not a setting one… Because your career seems to be near dusk right about now

Mr. Federer (4) the 7^th time champion is looking for his 8^th title here. He faces a bothersome Frenchman Julien Benneteau in the 2^nd round and then possibly Dingo Dog Hewitt or 2013 semifinalist Jerzy Janowicz (15) or Tommy Robredo (23) in the 4^th round. Stan the Man (5) has not done well on grass here but still he deserves his ranking of 3 in the world. Anyway, he will have a tough time getting out of this part of the draw. Not only is Mr. Federer a possible quarterfinal opponent but he could face either Denis Istomin or Dmitry Tursunov (32) in the 3^rd round and then Alejandro Falla and FeFe Lopez (19) in the 4^th round. A good match that might be featured is FeFe Lopez v BFG Isner (9). However, Isner is not known for his grass court prowess. I mean he has never got past the 2^nd round EVER here at Wimbledon. So Lopez might be able to sneak into the quarters.

Stan the Man at least the back of him gossiping with Maria’s clutch, Grigor

Quarter 4: Divadal (2) v Dennis the Menace Raonic (8)
Dennis the Menace should make the quarters here though it would be a nice matchup between him and Kei Nishikori (10) in the Round of 16. There is also the match of Philipp Kohlschreiber (22) v Nishikori in the 3^rd round that should be worthy of attention.

Kei gurl… oh no… this is not acceptable. Here I thought you were cute until you smiled. No no no… I’m gonna need you to do better! Definitely, you looking like Charley Horse with that smile

Dennis the Menace is thinking about doing some damage here at Wimbledon with that lethal 1st serve!

Now a lot of people have picked Divadal to win the title. I am not sure why considering his recent record on grass. However, this is Divadal and you know how he and his “magical body” do operate. So he really stands a good chance to win. Anyway, he may have to deal with Lukas Rosol again in the 2^nd round and possibly Ivo Karlovic (29) in the 3^rd round. If he can get past that, there is the fickle Frenchmen of Richard Gasquet (13) and Beetlejuice (24) in the Round of 16. A lot of people feel that this is a “Draw of Death” of Divadal but seriously, this is Divadal we are talking about. I hope he loses but I do not expect that to happen at all. He has the potential of really extending his lead as the number one player since he won no points here last year when he was defeated in the 1^st round by Steve Darcis. Djoker on the other hand got to the final.

Divadal getting his Wimbledon practice in

However, before he got to Wimbledon on his boat relaxing with “friend”. I don’t see Xisca there about. My eyes aren’t that good. Let me know if you see her. “Realz I know you send these paparazzi for me! Leave me alone!!”

This is from last year around this time

Another recent vacay… Gurl let me rub some oil on your back.

Who knew Divadal like them “thickems” Apparently not only Goldilocks checking for bears and cubs

Mr. Federer getting a nice send off from being the President of the Player’s Council! He got babies at home to take care oh. He ain’t got no time for politics. Those shoes Mr. Federer is wearing, Loro Piana. And those “simple loafers” cost at least $800USD. I wonder if he wants to adopt me

I mean look at this line up.. I mean where do I begin… or should I say who do I begin with? We can leave off Anderson (in the flip flops). Have to be a very drunk night.

I think I am hurt myself

Yeah I can see that right there on your ankle. You might want to get up and get some help. We’re busy out here right now..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Australian Open 2014: Day 1

Let me in!! Let me in!!

Now that Day 1 is over, I do not think that any of the results came as a HUGE surprise. I mean there were upsets and of course disappointments but all in all, the results mostly reflected what has been trending for a while.

On the ladies, side, the Serenanator (1) wasted little time dispatching her Aussie opponent as she in barely an hour, took the match 6-2 6-1. Ashleigh Barty had some good shots here and there but it was not enough to stop the American.

I know you are ready for your opponents ReRe but I am not ready for this outfit! BURN IT!!!

LiNaLi (4) also looked impressive as she dumped her opponent 6-2 6-0. The 9th seed, Kerber had a lil problem with Jarmila Gajdosova but came through in 3 sets 6-3 0-6 6-2. Ivanovic the Terrible (14) came through comfortably in straight sets as did Sabine Lisicki (15) Monica Niculescu, Tsetvana Pironkova, Moaning Mona Barthel, Yanina Wickmayer and Monica Puig. 18th seed Kristen Flipkens took out British Laura Robson 6-3 6-0. Robson needs to get her life together if she wants to make a decent living on the tour and not be another Anne Keothavong. Meanwhile, Robson’s countrywoman Heather Watson also lost though she made her match a bit more competitive v Daniela Hanthucova (31) 5-7 6-3 3-6.

LiNaLi showing off that sliced backhand

Some interesting results on the ladies side…. Well first off you know I am smarting because Venus Williams set me up again!! I can’t with this woman. She was bossing Ekaterina Makarova (22) around for a set and a half 6-2 4-4 but all of sudden, Venus double faulted 3 times in a row to hand the game and basically the set to Makarova. In the 3rd set, Venus was up 3-0! Then she lost the next 6 of 7 games. I was beside myself. She was playing so well. The groundstrokes were popping and she was moving forward. However, she just decided to hurt my feelings and mess up my entire evening. Makarova moves to the 2nd round having taken out another Williams Sister 2-6 6-4 6-4.

Venus angst!!!

Makarova is making it a habit of taking out Williamses in Australia

There were several other interesting results: Like I said of Petra Kvitova, she is going into fast decline and that showed up in her lost to Luksika Kimkhum (I wish I were making up this name). Kvitova (6) got bounced 2-6 6-1 6-4 to some unknown Thai player. She was not the only top seed to said bye bye to Melbourne, the doubles team of Roberta Vinci (12) and Sara Errani (7) were both dismissed from the singles event. Vinci going down in straights to former semifinalist Jie Zheng and Errani leaving thanks to Julia Goerges.

Wearing pepto bismal pink, playing like diarrhea, game and ranking slipping and dating Stepanek. Yes, Stepanek curse in full effect

I see boobs but I am not sure… this is very feMALE indeed

Of course I was very excited when I saw the draw and it was Kvitova I was playing. She is still dating Stepanek right? So I knew I had more than a shot! I had a winning shot

I should also mention that Stosur avenged her recent lost to Klara Zakopalova by beating her in straight sets 6-3 6-4. Also Granny Goodness Date-Krumm lost to perhaps the youngest girl in the field Belinda Bencic of Switzerland in straight sets.

Thank you very much for coming. Nice warm up

On the men’s side, things were more routine. Ferrer (3) and Djoker Harlequeen (2) wasted no time getting rid of their opponents in straight sets. There is no point in sticking around on court for more time than you need to. Stan Wawrinka (8) got even less time when his opponent reitred in the 2nd set. Fabio Fognini (15) also benefitted from a retirement when Alex Bogomolov went out injured. Bershite (7) also is through in straight sets as well as Richard Gasquet (9), Mikhail Youzhny (14), Jeremy Chardy (29) and Dmitri Tursanov (30).

Oh wait she is not one of the guys…

Jerzy Janowicz (20) perhaps love work because he was out there for 5 sets for no apparent reason but he is through to the 2nd round. Other 5 set winners include Tommy Robredo (17), Kevin Anderson (19) Julian Benneteau and Nikolay Davydenko.

Glittering Gulbis

Munchable Monaco

23rd seed Ernest Gulbis beat Juan Monaco in 4 sets. This is a sad result because they are both such PHYNE specimen but Monaco has not been so well since the break up with a certain top Diva. That Gulbis is even seeded and Monaco is not, shows how much the Argentine is hurting from that dismissal. Marcos Baghdatis, known for his on court heroics, had a major fail in front of this very Cypriot crowd when Uzbekistani Denis Istomin knocked him out in straight sets and did so in fine style. Ivan Dodig (32) knocked out monster server Ivo Karlovic in straight sets also.

Divadal was only fcuking with your head. You know that. Realz loves you not Divadal!

Tomorrow, both bottom halves will be playing and we are set to see Divadal, Mr. Federer, Lochness Monster, Baby Ali, Beetlejuice, Vickie, Fivehead Jungle Witch, Bratzwanska and Shriekapova all on court.

Let us take a break and just watch

Don’t forget to spread the word about REALZTENISFANZ!!!

Venus I do not even know what to say about this head!!! ratchet!!

Robson you look like someone’s runaway bridesmaid. WTF is this dress about??

I need to get me a sip of Andreas Seppi indeed

Oh Patty Rafter… you’re turning into Fatty Rafter these days

Spanish Armada!!… At least part of the fleet

I am best amongst my fellow menz

Did someone fart?? I am smelling shite….Oh Hey Tomic…..

So you gonna come by my room later right. I will leave the door open

Mister, I can see your penis and that’s not okay at this time

They say I was going to get groupies but I didn’t want these old bitches..

US Open 2013: Day 10

Flavia Pennetta is having a most wonderful US Open

So I am finally at Day 10 which only had 4 singles matches. Much of it were easy contests as Flavia Pennetta took out her countrywoman Roberta Vinci in straight sets 6-4 6-1. This was a rather surprising result as I really expected more from Vinci. She tried out there to be fair but everything she tried just was not working and was unable to come up with something more tactical to deal with the game of Pennetta. Pennetta is currently ranked 83^rd in the world but is definitely a seasoned player. She was not about to let an opportunity like this go to waste. This is her 1^st major semis but has had good results here. She will face Vickie, which is HUGE obstacle to get by.

I am getting frostbite from this hug

Yes I didn’t get bagelled out here

The Belarusian had a light workout against Daniela Hantuchova who was as always missing in action. The Slovak was able to break Vickie a couple of times but the problem was that she was having great difficulty holding her own serve. She was dismissed in straight sets 2-6 2-6. Vickie is not looking at her best but she is getting the job done. On the other side of the draw is either the Serenanator or LiNaLi. Both those players I am sure will be able to take out Vickie plus they both have that revenge factor going for them. They both lost to Vickie this year on hardcourt. They most certainly will not be entertaining any notion of Vickie leaving NYC with pep in her step. They want to maim her and have her limp off the court.

I am ready for a fight itches! BRING IT ON!

On the men’s side, Divadal was expected just ripped apart Tommy Robredo and his game 6-0 6-2 6-2. I suspect the scoreline could have easily been triple bagel but Divadal thought about how it would look bad in the press and gifted his countryman 4 games. Needless to say, we all knew this would be the result.

Thanks for rolling over and dying

However, I am happy to say that we are spared a 2^nd helping of this fools’ meal when Richard Gasquet took out David Ferrer in 5 sets. I am most happy about this result. Not only because we avoid the whole Divadal/Ferrer mess match but because I actually do like Gasquet. Unfortunately, he has no real shot of beating Divadal but one can always hope and you never know. Anyway, Gasquet played an exceptional match in sets 1, 2 and 5. Where the hell he went to in sets 3 and 4 is still a mystery. That beautiful backhand of his was on pointe like a ballerina. It was hitting all corners of the court and the timing of it was magnificent to behold. It is an impressive stroke. It can do no wrong with it is working for the Frenchman. Thus, he found himself up 6-3 6-1.

Yeah I am about to blow a gasquet out here

However, in the 3^rd and 4^th sets, he became that unstable Frenchman we have known over the years. This was the same Frenchman who blew several 2 sets to love leads in his career. So many of us were already anticipating the beginning of the end for him. Fiery Ferrer is a fighter against everyone save Divadal. He will not give up until the umpire calls Game, Set and Match. He is on it and boy did he come back roaring. He just gave the Frenchman everything he had to take the 3^rd and 4^th sets 6-4 6-2.

Fiery Ferrer was unstoppable out there in the 3rd and 4th sets

We all expected him to snatch the 5^th set and the match. However, Gasquet proved me wrong and I am most happy for this. He seized his 1^st break chance opportunities at 3-2 to go up 4-2. He then held his serve to be ahead comfortably 5-2. Ferrer held his serve at 3-5 and forced the Frenchman to serve for the match and his 1^st US Open semis. The pressure was squarely on Gasquet’s shoulder but he did not succumb to the pressure. He served it out to take the set 6-3 and thus the match 6-3 6-1 4-6 2-6 6-3. This should be a wonderful confidence booster for him. Hopefully, he can keep the upset streak going and take out Divadal. But alas, I might be asking for too much here. Last time he beat the Spaniard, Gasquet noted was back when they were teenagers in Under 14 tournament. Here’s is to a Gasquet victory!

I am losing to Gasquet. Why won’t he choke? Incroyable!

I just had to beat you! I had to save the world from another Spanish match up with Divadal in the mix… NO BUENO

2	R. Nadal	6	6	6
19	T. Robredo	0	2	2
4	D. Ferrer	3	1	6	6	3
8	R. Gasquet	6	6	4	2	6

And in other news, the Williams Sisters are in still in the Doubles draw

I bet you Realz gonna say shite about my handbag… He’s such a hater

I am not gonna lie.. Divadal got some nice legs

This is what happens when the ATP knows that you are never going to win a major. They give you consolation prizes (aka Sportsmanship Award) presented by another non-major winner.

The best I have ever seen Murray look

There is a cold front coming from Anna Wintour as always (Gurl time to change up that look…)

The was suppose to be all about Dakota Fanning and her man…but I can’t help but look at the woman behind who looks like she just jumped out of a Hitchcock film

Michael Strahan and his…. friend….hmmmm

Ain’t that his boyf….. Shut your mouth. I told you that in confidence

asdsdsadas

US Open 2013: Day 8

It never seems to fail that I always run into trouble with my favourites on the 2^nd Monday of a major. And this Monday was no different. First off, the rains came. It was near Monsoon at Flushing Meadows. It was though the rain was making up for the days that it was supposed to come but did not. It delayed play for about 4 -5 hours. As a matter of fact, only one match was completed before it poured buckets.

Finally after the delay, Mr. Federer took to the court against one of his pigeons, Tommy Robredo. Now Mr. Federer has dismantled Robredo in their 10 previous meetings. Robredo was barely able to win a set. However, from the jump of their 11^th meeting, Mr. Federer was well off the plot. He got broken and Robredo was up 2-0. Mr. Federer was able to break back and get ahead 3-2. However, his entire style of play was baffling. Mr. Federer had a terrible Spring/Summer. He was only able to win 1 title for the year and then switched racquets but quickly went back to his old stick having lost to two players who were ranked in the 100s. Now against one of his favourite whipping boy he was struggling and struggling mightily.

Nobody beats Robredo 11 times in a row

It was beyond belief. Mr. Federer lost the match in straight sets 6-7 3-6 4-6. It was not as if he got blown off the court by a younger harder hitting opponent. Robredo is only 31 to Mr. Federer’s 32 years on this earth. Mr. Federer had 16 break point chances and only converted 2. He was 0-12 in sets 2 and 3. It was ridiculous. It was though he was working to lose. He constantly made the wrong shot, very uncharacteristic errors and not once did he impose himself on Robredo. It was as though Robredo was Mr. Federer and Mr. Federer was Robredo. I knew very early on that Mr. Federer was going to be bounced and for the first time since 2002 if I am not mistaken, Mr. Federer was dumped out of the US Open before the quarters. There is a lot more to say of Mr. Federer but I think it is best if I make a special post for Mr. Federer. He deserves that.

The hair was an uncharacteristic mess. Looking like Divadal’s head

Interestingly enough, of all the men’s matches played on that day, Robredo had the easiest time. Divadal was up against Philipp Kohlschreiber of Germany who can be a dangerous floater at times. He has taken out Djoker and Lochness Monster out of majors before if I am not mistaken. Anyway, he took the 1^st set against Divadal but succumbed to an early break in the 2^nd set and that was all it took for Divadal to impose his physical prowess on the German. Any notion of a possible upset were dismissed with disdain as Divadal took the next three sets 6-4 6-3 6-1 to continue his unbelievable run on hardcourt this year. He has not lost a single match on hardcourt if I am not mistaken. Hopefully that would change at this tournament.

Divadal has been a demon on hardcourt this year

Nadal’s countryman David Ferrer also found it difficult to get past Janko Tipsarevic. Janko was leading in all the sets if I am not mistaken but could not pull it off when it mattered losing it 6-7 6-3 5-7 6-7. Ferrer has done well at this tournament in the past, if I am not mistaken getting to 2 semifinals. However, his particular style does not lend itself to getting cheap ones. He always has to be on the defensive. Nonetheless, he is the quarterfinals of yet another major. Richard Gasquet had battle on his hand against the young Canadian Milos Raonic. Every set was competitive and it was a nice change up to see these two battle but in the end, Gasquet came through in 5 sets to make another quarters at a major. If I am not mistaken, his record in Round of 16 sucks big time. However, I am happy to see him through. He has always been a player whose talent I have long admired.

Gasquet through to the quarters

2	R. Nadal	6	6	6	6
22	P. Kohlschreiber	7	4	3	1
8	R. Gasquet	6	7	2	7	7
10	M. Raonic	7	6	6	6	5
7	R. Federer	6	3	4
19	T. Robredo	7	6	6
4	D. Ferrer	7	3	7	7
18	J. Tipsarevic	6	6	5	6

Allison Riske looked to make a comeback in her match

The rain seriously hampered the ladies schedule as when it came down, only Roberta Vinci was able to complete her match and the Vickie v Ivanovic match was reschedule for the next day. Vinci took out her countrywoman Camilla Giorgi in straight sets 6-4 6-2. At this time the rain began pouring just as Simona Halep had set point to try and force her match against Pennetta to a 3^rd set and Alison Riske had just broken Daniela Huntuchova in the 2^nd set thus keeping her chances alive to get to the next round. However, when play was resumed, Halep found that she could not close things out and the more experience Pennetta took the 2^nd set and the match in the tiebreaker 6-2 7-6. Hantuchova dropped the 2^nd set and for many of us, we saw signs that the old Daniela was going to come back out on court. However, she kept her mind together and showed that experience can win out over youth. She took apart Riske who had the crowd firmly behind her 6-3 5-7 6-3.

I am playing so well at this tournament that it scares me

10	R. Vinci	6	6
	C. Giorgi	4	2
	A. Riske	3	7	2
	D. Hantuchova	6	5	6
21	S. Halep	2	6
	F. Pennetta	6	7

Flooding at the US Open

The USTA talking about building a roof when they can’t get proper drains installed

This is one of the more comical scenes in all of tennis. Why don’t they just cover the courts when it rains?

I bet it is some contractual obligation or nepotism at work here why this scene plays out

No Federer v Nadal at the US Open… ah well I guess I have to try and carry on without him

US Open 2013: Day 1

US Open 2013 Arthur Ashe Stadium

So the US Open 2013 has started and of course, RealzTenisFanz is behind the times. I am not even going to offer up any sort of excuses as to why this blog is not more regularly updated. The truth is that I am not really committed to the cause. As time consuming as this is, if I really want it to go somewhere, I really have to put in the effort and work at it. I should have been working on this ages ago and have it down to a science. There is no doubt that I love tennis and even more so love discussing its issues. However, writing about tennis, even salacious commentary, is very time consuming. I am thinking perhaps I should just have a daily live show. However, you would be able to see my face and that would make me an easy target for these players and we cannot have now, can we? Perhaps I can do puppetry or something like that. All in due time.

Maria Shriekapova Sugapova Sharapova

So the US Open begun and I guess the biggest news was that Shriekapova was not going to be at this year’s Open. She pulled out citing the ever reliable excuse “shoulder injury.” She has had a most horrible year if one were looking at this year in terms of mental strength. She got torn apart in the Aussie Open semis by LiNaLi then won Indian Wells I think. However, she got dismantled by the Serenanator in Miami and the hits kept on coming. She has yet to beat the Serenanator since 2004 or even come close to beating her and that Miami final was crushing. She lost 10 straight games after being up 6-4 and serving for a 4-2 lead. She made her way back to the French Open final and was merely at the mercy of the Serenanator. At Wimbledon, she showed herself to be a gossip monger and all that backfired when she lost in the 2^nd round to some virtual no name Portuguese player.

So what had happened was that I was up in the match and then I woke up eating a bagel in the 3rd set. I completely blacked out. So no I do not remember the Miami incident

The summer thereafter was not so kind. Talk of her being “mentally unstable” ensued in the tennis blogosphere (I for one do not question her sanity. I just question her life choices) and she parted with her coach. She picked up a new one, Jimmy Connors….yeah that Jimmy Connors. Now I heard one BBC commentator put it something like this, “I didn’t think Jimmy knew anything about the women’s game other than perhaps dating Chrissie [Chris Evert].” This partnership did not last longer than “Ms. Janey’s fire” (My mother always say this. I don’t know who Ms. Janey is but apparently, her fires never stay lit.) Maria and Jimmy parted ways after she lost in 3 sets to Sloane Stephens in the 2^nd round of Cincinnati. Yep, she won one match this summer. Poor Maria! And on top of all this, she wanted to change her name to Sugapova for the Open. Maria, in the words of the Sassy Gay Friend, “Look at your life! Look at your choices!”

2013 Wimbledon Champ Marian Bartoli

Anyway, Shriekapova is not here (the ESPN tea is beside themselves because who are they going to talk about) and then before all this, Marian Bartoli 28 years old, 2013 Wimbledon champion claimed to have retired from tennis after being bounced early in Montreal I think it was. She said that her body hurt. I mean, I am not trying to be mean here but are we really surprised by this announcement? Look at Bartoli’s body coupled with those insane training regiments that Walter had her doing; I am surprised that she has not had far more serious injuries. However, not the take is that she might not have actually retired because she has not asked the WTA/ITF (International Tennis Federation) to remove her from the rankings. I think she is trying to avoid the pressure one gets having won their maiden major a la Petra Kvitova, Francesca Schiavone, Ana Ivanovic, LiNaLi and others. Anyway, we are not really checking for Marian and whether she is present or not, it does not change the price of eggs because the major will play on.

This is Bartoli at her athletic peak.

I am not going to take a pick and say who will because things can be very topsy-turvy in the women’s game. I mean, Marian Bartoli won Wimbledon convincingly. Nonetheless, all of the other players are here, Venus and Serena, Vickie Azarenka, Aga Radwanska, Sam Stosur, Petra Kvitova (in body, big as it is, though we question if her spirit is still around) and the other lot of ladies trying to win this million dollar plus purse.

The Serenanator is all dressed for business out here

The Serenanator is again looking in fine form. Since 2011, she has been coming into the Open in tip top shape and she has an amazing record for the year, 50 and 4 losses. Since working with Patrick M (I cannot spell his last name and I am too lazy to copy and paste it right now), She has had 99 wins and 5 losses in just over a year. Now forgive me for sounding rather crude here but if the rumours are true and they are in fact a couple, Serena gurl, give this man whatever he wants in the bedroom…front and back. The price of your “P” off court is small compared to the payout you have been getting on court.  And I have to say that the Serenanator’s game has really matured. She has better court coverage, MORE patient, better groundstrokes including that forehand wing and just overall a more effective game. Patrick M has yet to teach her how to do a drop shot but that is okay, we cannot have it all.

The Serenanator is ready for these championships

Coming off a disappointing Wimbledon, she lost once and to Vickie. This is her 2^nd lost to the Belarusian on hardcourt this season and the last one came after she dominated the 1^st set and also served for the match in the 3^rd. It was a repeat of the 2012 US Open final but only this time, Vickie came out on top. However, this takes the pressure off the American and hopefully “Laquanda” does not show up. Interestingly enough, the Serenanator has not really found her stride with her serving this summer. It is very alarming because she is still dominating but she will need it for this championship. The hardcourts of New York can be very brutal and cheap points are needed.

My perennial fav Venus Ebony Starr Williams giving you grandmother upholstery realness

So enough with all this silly talk: What went on yesterday? Well you know my perennial favourite, Venus Williams was in action against the 12^th seed Kirsten Flipkens, 2012 Wimbledon semi-finalist. Flipkens beat Venus several weeks ago in Montreal in what basically ruined my birthday. However, yesterday, there was no mucking about from the American over the Belgian. 6-1 6-2. She was on her like white on rice. Aga Radwanska also had a similar scoreline against her opponent. The Serenanator was beyond clinical yesterday, she was surgical. She was really going after Schiavone, 2010 French Open champ, in an attempt at a double bagel. In the first point of the match, the American just flicked her racquet and that ball was arrivederci. She is not mucking about here because Schiavone can be a very tricky player especially when given an inch and she has the stamina of a racehorse. However, yesterday, she was decimated on the court. She had to solicit a hug from one of the ballpeople. Fanz, it was a brutal beatdown for the Italian, one she is unlikely to forget.

Say a lil prayer me! I need love love…

Thanks Frankie for the nice evening warm up. Gurl you know I had to finish you off quickly because this hair cannot get wet

Sloane Stephens came through a tough 3 setter with a final set tiebreak. She has already put it out there that she does not have much faith in her doing well at the open. 8^th seed Angelique Kerber won as did 9^th seed Jankovic. Check out the ladies results below to see whether your favourites are through to the next round. The US Open is having 3 days of 1^st round matches with a couple of 2^nd round match ups being played on Wednesday. Do not ask me the logic for this madness. I do not know why they just do not play on the 1^st Sunday.

		E.   Makarova		6		6
		P.   Hercog		2		4
8		A.   Kerber		6		6
		L.   Hradecka		1		1
		M.   Johansson		3		1
		B.   Mattek-Sands		6		6
1		S.   Williams		6		6
		F.   Schiavone		0		1
		K.   Pliskova		6		4	5
		E.   Bouchard		4		6	7
		G.   Voskoboeva		6		6
		M.   Niculescu		4		3
9		J.   Jankovic		6		6
		M. Keys		3		4
		E.   Cabeza Candela		1		4
		A.   Barty		6		6
		K. Nara		6		6
		A.   Cadantu		2		2
		P.   Ormaechea		6		79
		K.   Date-Krumm		3		67
		M. Puig		4		6	5
		A.   Kleybanova		6		3	7
		K.   Mladenovic		6		1	6
		A.   Medina Garrigues		1		6	1
15		S.   Stephens		4		6	77
		M.   Minella		6		3	65
		I. Begu		1		3
		U.   Radwanska		6		6
		K.   Bertens		1		3
		J.   Zheng		6		6
32		A. Pavlyuchenkova		7		6
		V.   Razzano		5		0

You are gone Nishikori and yeah you have been forgotten. Ain’t nobody was checking for you

On the men’s side, things were also pretty routine with the only upset of Kei Nishikori, the 11^th seed, to British Dan Evans. But truth of the matter, we were not even checking on Nishikori though a 1^st round exit was totally unexpected. I guess we can also call the 27^th seed, Fernando Verdasco’s loss to Ivan Dodig another upset. However, considering how he has been playing for the past couple of years, we are gonna withhold the use of that word. It goes without saying that Divadal has been unstoppable at the hardcourt tournaments this year. He has risen back up to No 2 and the knee is still going strong. Other than that inexplicable 1^st round exit at Wimbledon, he has made it to all of his tournament finals and only lost two of them. He has 9 titles already this year including a historic 8^th French Open title. As always, he comes back from “injury” and just goes on a tear. No one is questioning these remarkable “comebacks” It is all being put down to great genetics etc. Divadal has not had any kinda surgery for this “tender knee” yet he goes back on court and does the same exact thing that allegedly got him and his knee in trouble. It is not my implication that the Spaniard is on drugs. It is just my assertion that the information provided from the Nadal camp does not add up in the least. Nonetheless, the Spaniard is coasting right now because he has no points to defend from last year. He is merely collecting free points at this stage of the game. Anyhow, he totally dominated Ryan Harrison today making that boy look like amateur hour. There will be a couple of those shots that I am sure made it into the highlight reel on ESPN today.

There is “Kneedal” at it again

Other winners include Fiery Ferrer, Tommy Robredo, Tipsarevic and Davydenko. Mr. Federer’s match was postponed because of rain and the USTA decided to have an hour long pageantry in lieu of playing tennis. These people are the worst organizers ever. They pay more attention to the huge sponsors than to the needs of the players. Anyway, check out the men’s scoreline below. I do apologize for the late affair but PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO SUPPORT RealzTenisFanz

So before we had any tennis on Monday night, we had to do this…

Then this… He’s still making music?? Why??

And all this too

And then finally this… WAY WAY WAY TOO MUCH USTA… How about we have this on Saturday night.. Before the open starts

		S. Giraldo	3	6	78
		C. Berlocq	6	3	66
19		T. Robredo	6	66	6
		M. Matosevic	3	78	3
		R. Dutra Silva	4	3	711
		V. Pospisil	6	6	69
4		D. Ferrer	7	6	6
		N. Kyrgios	5	3	2
		R. Haase	65	6	5
		F. Dancevic	77	3	7
		R. Bautista Agut	6	6	6
		T. Bellucci	3	2	2
		A. Kuznetsov	62	3	77	4
		D. Sela	77	6	62	6
18		J. Tipsarevic	6	65	6
		P. Cuevas	3	77	3
2		R. Nadal	6	6	6
		R. Harrison	4	2	2
27		F. Verdasco	3	5	6	3
		I. Dodig	6	7	1	6
		R. Williams	3	6	6	0
		N. Davydenko	6	4	1	6
30		E. Gulbis	6	2	6	4
		A. Haider-Maurer	3	6	1	6
		K. De Schepper	77	2	60
		B. Klahn	65	6	77
		M. Kukushkin	6	77	7
		A. Martin	4	62	5
		S. Robert	6	6	6
		A. Olivetti	3	3	4

THE BIG PICTURE SHOW

From a nottie…

To a hottie.. I cannot get over how much wonders make up can achieve!!!

How this concept

Turned into this tragedy is beyond me… Venus take this crap out pronto!!!

What the hell is this??

And you went all out with these nails too?? Is this your version of a lady’s mid life crisis?

Sloane is giving you Stepford Wives face right now

Yes Jesus you continue to guide Dan Evans at these championships… guide him to my home as well Lord.

And FeFe Lopez you can bend over for me any time you want

Is the fashion world going to convict Stella McCartney for fashion atrocities or do I have to get the World Fashion Court involved? What the flying fercuque is this getup? Why is the Danish Biscuit allowing herself to be dressed like a girl clown?

Wimbledon 2013: Day 5

For Day 5 of Wimbledon, the rains wreaked havoc on the schedule, hampering much of the day’s play. With the weather being so unpredictable, only 1 of the 18 courts were in operation; Centre Court where play begins at 1:00 p.m. Meanwhile, regular scheduled play starts at 11:30 p.m. Added to all of this is the fact that men’s doubles matches are best of 5 sets. Did I mention that Wimbledon does not play tennis on the middle Sunday? And they wonder why things are always so backed up each year. Utter madness if you ask me. The English hold onto traditions despite the overwhelming evidence that not only are they archaic but also inefficient.  Anyway, when the rains did let up, they were able to complete all of the suspended and postponed matches that were carrying over from yesterday.

Oh all rightey then… I am not sure how to even approach this one. It’s June/July in England right? Just checking

There were only three ladies 2^nd round matches to be completed and 2 of them were fought amongst unseeded players. Young British hopeful, Laura Robson is through to the 3^rd round with a convincing victory over her Venezuelan opponent, 6-4 6-1. This was her 1^st win on Centre Court according to the pundits. I am sure she has not had that much visits to the arena in the 1^st place for it to be a mentionable stat but I am not even gonna check them on that. Bratzwanska’s sister Urszula Radwanska looked poised to get to the 2^nd week on Wimbledon but she as per the norm lost her mind on court and went down in 3 sets to American Alison Riske 6-4 3-6 4-6. In the lone upset of the day, Kaia Kanepi knocked out 7^th seed Angelina Carebear Kerber in 3 sets. Kanepi always makes a good showing of herself at both the French Open and Wimbledon and yesterday was no different. Kanepi looked to be down and out in the 1set set but she came back in the tiebreaker and totally dominated the 3^rd set. Kanepi is through to the 3^rd round 3-6 7-6 6-3.

Laura Robson: Have you seen the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man? Have you seen the muffin man who lives on Centre Court Lane?

Carebear Kerber was feeling no love yesterday from Kanepi

I am not about niceness…I’m a gonna punch you in the face itch!

On the men’s side, five 2^nd round matches were to be completed. 29^th seed Grigor Dimitrov was facing sudden death against his opponent Greg Zemlja being down 8-9. Dimitrov had to stave off 4/5 match points in his opening serving game for the day and though he was able to save himself then. His erratic/inconsistent style of play let him down and he was sent bouncing 9-11 in the 5^th set. With this 2^nd round loss, it proves how perfect coupling he and Shriekapova are; a matching pair of 2^nd round losers. Anyway, 13^th seed Tommy Haas won his match against Taipei’s Wang 6-3 6-2 7-5. 26^th seed Dolgopolov aka BWLLAGWLLAB finished off his Colombian opponent Giraldo 6-4 7-5 6-3. Fiery Ferrer (4) and Jeremy Chardy (28) had to get through their matches in 4 sets. All these players were had to complete their 2^nd round matches yesterday will play again today for a place in the Round of 16 matches on Monday.

Au revoir Grigor

I got all dolled up for an epic 5th set match up and this mofo lost it in 3 games. WTF? Let me get out of here before someone notices me.

Of the 8 scheduled men’s matches, only 4 were completed and the trend of upsetter getting knocked out in the next round continued as both Dustin Brown who took out Hewitt and Sergiy Stakhovsky who took out Mr. Federer, were sent packing by their opponents. Brown lost in straight sets to Adrian Mannarino 4-6 2-6 5-7 and Stakhovsky lost in 4 to Jurgen Meltdown 2-6 6-2 5-7 3-6. The felix felicis potion that both Brown and Stakhovsky took in their previous round most definitely wore off and they looked their usual mediocre selves on court.

WTF? The magic potion wore off already?? SHITE

I beat Mr. Federer and I am still a loser…I can’t take this anymore

Andy Murray the 2^nd seed had to face 32^nd seed Tommy Robredo which potentially could have been a tricky match for the Scotsman. However, he dealt with it quite decisively as he dominated nearly all areas of the match 6-2 6-4 7-5. He has a very easy draw with Divadal, Tsonga and Mr. Federer being out already from the tournament. The stars could not have aligned themselves more perfectly for Lochness Monster to get to his 2^nd consecutive Wimbledon final. Jerzy Janowicz (24) who is fast becoming a fan favourite is through to this 1^st Round of 16 at a major if I am not mistaken. He took on Nicolas Almagro (15) who was unable to win a set as the Pole showed consistent and brilliant plays to win the match 7-6 6-3 6-4. The other 4 matches were postponed for today’s schedule. I guess now it makes sense for the players to have this middle Sunday off. The most interesting matchup of the quartet is Gulbis v Verdasco.

Lochness Monster as always looking unpretty

Janowicz is let’s say very very strong in the face. He looks like Iron Man while in the suit

I think this might Jerzy’s daddy

On the ladies’ side, only 5 of the 8 matches were completed with the other three being suspended. Flavia Pennetta knocked out the 29^th seed Alize Cornet 0-6 7-6 6-2. Michelle Larcher d Brito who took out Maria Sharapova was knocked out herself when her Italian opponent Knapp snapped her in two 7-5 6-2. Marian Bartoli (15) aka la petite grosse is still hanging around and can prove to be a dangerous floating as this half of the draw is now wide open. Bartoli exacted revenge of sorts for Cornet by beating another Italian Giorgi 6-4 7-5. The 19^th and 20^th seeds, Carlo Suarez-Navarro and Kris Flipkens both won their matches in straight sets to progress to the 2^nd week.

Oh Carlo

Oh Martian Bartoli

Stephens (17) and Cetkovska will begin the 3^rd set today after splitting the first two. Stephens got bagelled in the 2^nd set. Monica Puig who upset Errani on the 1^st day of the Championships dropped the 1^st set against her opponent and will resume play down 1-2 in the 2^nd. Petra Kvitova aka Grand High Witch, 2011 Wimbledon champion needs to get GPS on her broom or something because she is always losing her way in matches. The 8^th seed is the highest remaining seed in the bottom half of the draw and face the ever dangerous floater Ekaterina Makarova (25). You would remember that Makarova in 2012 knocked out the Serenanator out of the Aussie Open. Anyway, GHW won the 1^st set 6-3 then dropped the 2^nd 2-6. She is currently down 1-2 in the 3^rd set. I really do not know what to say about Kvitova anymore. I mean there is potential there but certainly is neither fitness nor mental fortitude there.

Petra is petrified to win these days

I don’t know where I put my book of spells

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The Serenanator and Lochness Monster have allegedly agreed to a Battle of the Sexes exhibition match up

I for one do not agree to this sorta thing because clearly the Serenantor outclasses Nessie

No m’am you are not going to find a real sense of style there either.

I guess there are two muffin men running around Wimbledon

Motherfcuker that’s just uncouth. You’re fixing your freaking dentures in the royal box on Centre Court. I can’t take your @$$ anywhere

Front: Grigor’s “girlfriend” Behind Zemlja’s “boyfriend” Sweetheart, you couldn’t do something about that mug… Really? It’s like someone dragged you away from the home depot to watch the match. It would need more than a little makeup to do you wonders

What is she doing here? I thought you said she does not come to your matches. I didn’t know she was going to be here. She lost early so she said she’ll pop in as she had all this free time. But this was suppose to be out time… I know… I’m sorry

 

And here we have Divadal in the Swimsuit category: He has chosen to accessorize the true blue trunks with some crime scene tape on the left knee. The irony: We all know it is criminal how Divadal be using that “knee” as an excuse for all his failures in life.

First off gurl, this is tennis court not Night court so you can’t wear negligee on this court and second, you’re making me hard and that’s very distracting right now to call this match.

French Open 2013: The Quarterfinals

I believe that I am now in a better place to talk about the quarterfinals match-up today.

He got punched in the face! It was a tough day for everyone

By way of the ladies, it was a combination of 2 dog fights; Serenanator v Kuzi-Rex and Shriekapova v Fivehead JungleWitch and 2 tough 2 setters; Errani v Bratzwanska and Vickie v Krazilenko. I think all around, the women’s quarterfinals saw better tennis than the men’s. Just my opinion. Nonetheless, the ladies’ matches would not get the praise it deserves.

Kuzi-Rex is really trying to come for me

I did not get to see much of the Errani v Bratzwanska match but I am really proud of Errani because this is about the 1st time she has been a top 4/5 player I think and she did so in straight sets. She held her nerves. I think she is becoming a player who is reliable and not about to be beaten by a player unless you have uncommon skills. She is not a power player and not necessarily the most crafty but she has a really nice combination and always willing to be “Ms. 1st Runner-Up” That is, if any of the other ladies get knocks out/injured/disappears/self destructs etc, she is ready and able to snag a major or two. She is out here to defend her points from last year and Aga was not going to stop that from happening 6-4 7-6.

It will be a repeat of the US Open semis 2012

Serena v Sveta was interesting in that in the 1st set, it was all Serenanator 6-1. Kuzi took a break before the 2nd set and then she came out firing. She directed everything to the Serenanator’s forehand and the Russian’s forehand was beating it like a horse. Kuzi is an athlete and she was just all over the place getting in the Serenanator’s face. It was all the American could do to have won 3 games in that 2nd set 6-3 Kuzi. In the 3rd set, the demons the Serenanator was fighting were finally vanquished and she got her life together. After being down 0-2 at the start of the 3rd set, she just snatched the next 5 games. Kuzi served to stay in the match but could not break ReRe to delay her defeat. Serenanator 6-1 3-6 6-3

Who does this itch think she is bageling me? WTF? WTMFF?

Anyway, the semifinal match up with see Shriekapova v Vickie. Shriekapova lost the 1st set to Fivehead 0-6. It was incredible because Shriekapova does not eat bagel from just about anyone. Anyway, she fought her way back into the match to take the next 2 sets 6-4 6-3. Shriekapova 0-6 6-4 6-3. I have to say that Maria is a very very tough customer. I really do admire her fight more than her tennis ability. She works extremely hard out there and no one is going to beat her unless you come up with your absolute best. So she is in the semis for a 3rd time. This is perhaps her best major yet LOL. Vickie also had a tough time against Krazilenko but was able to close it out 7-5 6-2. In the end, Krazilenko proved to be too inconsistent/unsteady of the two.

Impressive but this isn’t gymnastics; this is tennis

And down she goes

That scream is giving me a monster headache

Au revoir gurl!! I have a date with another Maria

Who will win the semis for the ladies… Hmmm the Serenanator is strongly favoured over Errani but it is definitely a toss up between Shriekapova v Vickie. It is hard to say who has the edge. Although it would be a far more competitive final if it is the Serenanator v Vickie. Any other combination would be a romping shack!.

It was all about Tsonga on that day

Not even… perhaps you need to pull down the shorts as well to see if anything changes

This doesn’t impress me much as it use to

Not impressed at all

As for the men’s quarterfinals, what can I really say. Mr. Federer lost to Tsonga again. I could not believe in and in straight sets at that. As a matter of fact, all of the men’s quarterfinals matches were decided in straight sets and of the 12 sets played, only 1 was a tirebreaker. Very interesting. Anyway, I left Mr. Federer up 4-2 before I was called away at work to talk about a stapler. I kid you not, a bloody stapler. I sat in a meeting with two managers for over an hour for a frigging stapler. No I did not steal one, or throw one or destroy one or even lose one. I simply told someone, they could not have one. Apparently that was not being “supportive” My work place is worthy of a Realz blog. However, I digress. What really got to me was as they were going on about this freaking stapler, my main man, Mr. Federer was being pummeled by Baby Ali. When I came out of this ridiculous meeting, I checked the score to find out that Mr. Federer was already sent home packing. You know I wanted to do something crazy with a stapler right then and there. I could not deal! Anyway, I have to take this lost like every other lost of Mr. Federer. I have to take it in stride and look at the big picture. I am happy for Tsonga; as happy as I could be when his victory means my defeat. He is a hard worker and he deserves to win some big matches. However, it should not always be at my Mr. Federer’s expense. Therefore, they have to put this frigger in another part of the draw. He is really mucking up plans for Mr. Federer. Tsonga 7-5 6-3 6-3

Thanks for coming to my early morning practice Tommy. I really appreciate it

In the other quarters on that day, Fiery Ferrer v Robredo and no surprise there that Robredo did not have a leg to stand on.  Ferrer just dismantled him 6-2 6-1 6-1; a two piece with 2 breadsticks. So it will be Tsonga v Ferrer and the interesting thing is that neither of them really stand a chance of winning the title. It is crazy to think that but it is the near truth of the matter because looming in the final would either be Divadal or Djoker. Divadal just crushed Stan in his quarterfinals match up 6-2 6-3 6-1. I mean what I found ridiculous was that Wawrinka had the audacity to be upset at his struggles in the match. Really Stan the man? I mean you are planning freaking Rafael Nadal who eats Roger Federer for breakfast on clay and toys with the one-handed back hand like it is playdoh and you expected to get a leg up in this match? You should have had smaller goals and maybe, just maybe luck would have gone your way. I had some advice for Mr. Federer couple of weeks ago when he played Divadal in Rome. Mr. Federer did not heed my warnings/suggestions and he paid for it miserably. You would have done well to take my stance. Anyway, I really did not want you upsetting the match up I took off work for. Stan v Djoker is not worth dealing with the devil to get Friday off. However, Divadal v Djoker….now that is something working calling out of work for etc.

I am dejected

You did not have to treat me this badly. I am not Mr. Federer. I could have at least won a set!

Djoker v Haas was not particularly remarkable but it was the most competitive of all the men’s quarterfinals. Haas won more games than the other losers but in the end Haas still lost the match. Djoker 6-3 7-6 7-5.

Diva on the floor! Diva on the floor! Diva on the floor! Now werq! WERQ!!

WOW, I won the most games for losers in the quarters?? Really?? Moi, the oldest man!

I got a date with destiny and his name is Divadal

Thanks for coming.